August 2016 – f-your blog

Socrates, The Oracle of Delphi and a Stranger Named Phil

One cool fall night in ancient Greece Socrates was sitting in the kitchen of his new luxury condo sipping wine. Socrates was thinking to himself how egotistical Pluto had become since they named a planet after him when a unknown peasant came barreling through his front door. The peasant was in the middle of a righteous panic attack without his Xanax so Socrates helped the peasant calm down using philosophical controlled breathing techniques. Once the man had regained his composure Socrates asked him what the hell barging into his home was all about.

Socrates: Whats your name bud and how can I help you this lovely evening in ancient Greece?

Peasant: My name is Phil and I implore you PLEASE HELP ME! I don’t know SHOULD I SHIT OR GO BLIND?!

Socrates: What seems to be the issue at hand Phil my man???

Peasant: I have a question, the most vitally important question, I can’t afford to be wrong! I went to the Oracle of Delphi to find out who the smartest man in the WORLD is and she said it was you Socrates.

Socrates: I’m a bit confused as to why the Oracle told you it was me, but being a philosopher I’m pretty laid back. So heres whats gonna go down Phil. First I going to whip up a pot of chamomile Tea and then I’m going to go see what is the Oracle’s major malfunction . Phil my friend while I’m away you can just hangout and chill here at my condo. The WiFi is shit since it hasn’t been invented yet BUT my High Def television is insane so check out the olympics and shit.

Phil thanked Socrates for his time and attention in this matter as well as his kick ass hospitality. Socrates then put the ankle express in action and headed off to converse with the Oracle about what in the name of Zeus what was going on. It took Socrates quite a long while to reach the Oracle’s Studio apartment located at the top of a mountain, and the subway was closed due to being flooded by the underlying river Styx. Finally Socrates made it and politely knocked on the Oracle’s door because unlike Phil the peasant he had manners.

Oracle: Come on in its open, just take a seat on the couch and I’ll be right with you as soon as I’m done this conference call with the Gods!

Socrates: Z’up Oracle its just me Socrates.

Oracle: Socrates good to see you as Leonardo da Vinci hasn’t invented social media yet. Tell me what can I do for you as I’m an Oracle with a direct line to the Gods.

Socrates: Well I was relaxing at home a few days ago when this crazed guy named Phil came crashing through my door babbling incessantly about having a HUGE problem, and I’m the smartest man in the fucking world so I’m obligated to provide Phil with the answer. I mean I’m lost on this one.

Oracle: Oh hell yeah I remember Phil he was a anxious and fidgety fellow he was. Yeah he came to me to find out who the smartest man in the world was because Phil had an extremely important question. It was an easy answer to the question for me its you Socrates, your the smartest man in the world.

Socrates: WHAT THE FUCK! Oracle what the fuck is wrong with you man? Why you telling people I’m the smartest fucker in the world as we fucking know it here in ancient Greece?! Oracle no disrespect motherfucker but your WRONG, I’m NOT the smartest man in the world or any fucking where for that matter! I DON’T KNOW SHIT! I Socrates DON’T KNOW ANYTHING, ANYTHING AT ALL! I KNOW NADA! So why, why are you telling people that smartest man shit, I really don’t dig the idea of frantic people crashing through my front door! You know how much that shit would end up costing me? I don’t as I don’t have any idea how our ancient Greek monetary system works!

Oracle: Socrates take a deep breath and count to ten, and I’ll explain things for you. See Socrates the fact is by ADMITTING you KNOW NOTHING that makes you the smartest man in the entire world.

Theres a fucking twist for you. Think about it for a minute.

The PCP Party and The Pizza Delivery Prank

For a period time when I was 21 I was living at my moms house spending my free time sitting on my mom’s backyard porch drinking beer with friends. One evening it was myself and three friends Drivel, Cult and Ms. Razor. In addition to a 30 pack of Red Dog they had also brought a couple of dime bags of PCP which we preceded to roll up and smoke both bags. For our millennial readers PCP was a street drug that had its 15 minutes of fame hay day in the 1970s. The Irony is PCP is a veterinary drug (can you say foreshadowing? Special K.) that was/is a horse tranquilizer ,but in humans it can cause violent, unpredictable and aggressive behavior lets just say PCP was the Bath Salts of the 70’s.

Well the night finally ended as they always do with Ms. Razor, Drivel and Cult stumbling off into the night to raise more hell by morning. I was sitting in the kitchen after turning off every single light in the house off when their was a knocking at the front door. I stood up, grabbed a 12″ butchers knife and went to answer the door. I flipped the porch light on and whipped open the door to find some teenage pizza delivery guy holding a pizza of course. When I opened the door the delivery guy jumped back a few feet and was looking as nervous as a chihuahua in a thunderstorm. I glared at him with such intensity I’m sure that between the look and large butcher’s knife he thought he was going to end up dead, devoured and have his skin worn as a smoking jacket. I demanded to know what the fuck he wanted and he replied someone ordered the pizza so obviously he’s delivering it. I informed the delivery guy that I was the only person here and I didn’t order any goddamn pizza. He replied in a shaky voice that he was wondering what the knife was for ,apologized and high tailed it the hell out of there.

Interesting prolog:

I went to the pizza place where the delivery guy worked to apologize ,but he didn’t want to come up front to get it stilling being a tad bit frazzled.
I found out over a decade later that this rancid twat of an ex girlfriend who intellectually reverted to 12 years old and decided to play the call in a fake pizza order gag.

The Coolest Cake I Ever Encountered

I’ve never really liked sweets as I have always preferred salty over sweet. Don’t get me wrong now I am in the end just a human ,and once in a blue moon even I need to score a Snickers. But just like you I’m part of the birthday party propaganda machine so on my birthday I would always get the traditional cake and so be it.

Now back quite a few years at this point my wife and championship tag team partner’s cousin Jameson (please drink responsibly, what? if your changing names have some fun with it for christ’s sake.) and his first wife Opal threw me a 30 something (don’t recollect which 30 though) birthday party at their house. After quite a few rather strong beers and pot smoking it was time for the whole cake fiasco. The first cool thing about it was no one said some stupid shit like ” OK guys its time for the cake!” or everyone up and disappears into the kitchen all of a sudden. Basically we were hanging out on their back porch when a tray comes down in front of me from behind me. Once the tray hit the table I saw it was entirely covered with various colored Jello Shots. Heres the kicker and coolest part my wife along with Opal had taken those cheap candy letters you can buy at the supermarket and spelled Happy Birthday Less by placing the letters on top of the appropriate jello shot.

See plenty of people know my aversion too sweets but don’t take it into consideration where as my wife and Opal did ,and as a result came up with the kick ass Jello Shot “Cake” concept.

I Don’t Repeat Myself, You Should Have Been Listening

DISCLAIMER ONCE AND FOR ALL: Just like any tv or movie bullshit, all names and places have been changed because I don’t want to get fucking sued for slander or defamation of character or some shit.

Another reason I change Names and Places is due to the fact I don’t want people to know shit about me as far as the off line world is concerned.

BUT I assure you these people are real living, breathing people, and why the hell should you believe me? Good question, the answer is YOU CAN’T MAKE THESE PEOPLE UP. Reality always trumps Hollywood, thats why I believe its Art Imitates Life and not the other way around.

Peddling Death Door To Door

I was sitting in my apartment one summer afternoon enjoying a craft beer or two when the door bell suddenly rang. Now I’m the type of person who knows who and when people are coming ,but no one was supposed to stop by on that particular day. I weighed the options and decided to for once to answer the door instead of ignoring it due to the fact I didn’t know who was ringing my door bell (and I utterly hate to be bothered)

So I exited my apartment on the 2nd floor, walked down the stair case to the 1st story exterior door and opened away. To my surprise it wasn’t any asshole asking if I found Jesus/accept christ or little kids going door to door selling candy as part of a school fundraiser. It was in fact a little old lady about 60-65 years old, hair white as snow with a cliche grandmother vibe. I said hello and asked what I could do for her today to which she replied she worked for a local funeral home with a neighboring cemetery. So she was going door to door talking with (and hopefully selling funeral home services) people about their or a loved one’s final preparations. More ironic then sending a senior citizen representative to sell funeral services (coffins,flowers,earns,cremation etc.) but I had amassed a short list of 3 personal questions on the matter of post death options for myself when I too die. I invited the little old lady in and took her up to my apartment where she set up shop so to speak in my living room. I informed her that yes I did have some questions about said funeral services and she very politely told me to ask her what they were.

In the time of efficiency and time management here (in no certain order) are the 3 questions I asked her alone with her answers.

Can I have my skeleton bronzed and placed in a certain pose?

No due to laws pertaining to the desecration of a corpse where there ABSOLUTELY NO acceptations.

2. If I chose to be cremated could I have my skull bronzed and placed on top of the earn’s led?

No something similar too the answer for question 1 ,but dealing moreover with the issue of handling dead bodies or some shit.

NOW THIS IS WHERE SHIT GETS DARK FAST AND MAKES NO SENSE: I SWEAR TO THE STARS ABOVE HOW THE FUCK THIS OTION IS POSSIBLE (CONSIDERING THE ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS 1 AND ) AND MOREOVER HOW THE FUCK ITS LEGAL AS THERE LAWS OUTLAWING CANNIBALISM.

3. Can I have my corpse (and possibly certain organs i.e. liver) cooked and served to the funeral party quests?

Yes if you can find someone willing to butcher and cook a corpse.

( There has to be some bizarre loophole because I can’t get my head around the yes to Necro Cannibalism.)

Ladies and Gentleman thank you, that is all.

Reticulated Python Propaganda & Mathematical Biology

Floridans blame their new wild reticulated python population problem on irresponsible reptile (in this case snake) owners. This shared belief has even led to the ownership and sale of reticulated pythons becoming illegal in the state of Florida. This hypothesis is based on nothing more than amateur speculation with no actual truth.

DON’T GET ME WRONG HERE there shitty snake owners for sure (as in any group their always a few fuck ups) who are irresponsible and when the snake becomes to big or unwanted they release their pets into the wild.

But heres the reality of the situation based on both basic mathematics and simple science. See even with decades of asshole owners releasing their pets into the wild it can’t account for the booming breeding population Florida faces today, simply too few and far between (not to mention the unknown ratio of males to females released) So the question still remains how did these snakes get into the wilds of Florida and become a epidemic of sorts? Essentially where did the come from because obviously Medusa didn’t shave her head recently.

The summation of the situation can be said in just one word HURRICANES. Hurricanes have plagued Florida since Florida was born ,but its the coasts in particular I’d like to draw your attention to. As one can imagine being surrounded on 3 sides by water there quite a few port of calls which are miles of stacked shipping containers, giant cranes and massive cargo ships( the size of a small city) in Florida to say the least. Over the years in the world of exotic pets the demand for reticulated pythons as pets grew and since reticulated pythons are not native to Florida (or America) they had to be shipped in on cargo ships. Figured it out yet?

Over decades of hurricanes ports of call have not only been hit but suffered millions of dollars in damages. So now it all comes down to simple math, hurricanes hit a port of call(s) where there shipping containers filled with who knows how many thousands of reticulated pythons being imported as pets. Now due to the hurricane(s) those containers opened allowing their contents to escape. Unfortunately with the huge amount of snakes that escaped combined with the fact that Florida is a semi tropical state it happened to be a perfect environment for not only the snakes to survive but thrive ,and that means an established adult breeding population.

Bottom Line: Hurricanes fucked up imported shipping containers in a semi tropical state, allowing reticulated pythons to escape unknown thousands at a time. Thats what fucked Florida up plain and simple.

IT WASN’T THE COMBINED RESULT OF INEPT SNAKE OWNERS RELEASING THEIR UNWANTED PETS SO GET OFF OUR (SNAKE OWNERS) COLLECTIVE COCKS ONCE AND FOR FUCKING ALL.

Thanks for your time and thats it.

Befuddled By The Bartender

Last night I went to my favorite dive bar which is a dark, smoke filled,tiny hole in the wall filled with all kinds of characters. This makes it my favorite place not only to drink with friends but to people watch as well. The bartender working last night is far from my favorite because she is too fucking odd to live (so you never know wtf your walking into) so best to stay off the radar as they say. Last night she was aggravated because for once it was almost a busy night. The first bizarre interaction was when I went up to the bar to get another beer at which point the bartender said and I quote “You drink too fast.” First off I wasn’t drinking any sort of cocktail as I said I was drinking bottled beer so all the bartender had to do was reach in a cooler, grab a beer, open it and serve it (how fucking easy is that?!) Also I couldn’t help thinking well if I drink fast then I drink a good bit before I leave and I tip putting money in the bartenders pocket. Let me take a second to explain the tip deal. This dive bar is also a private club were the patrons pay annul dues of a whole whopping $20 (sarcasm abounds) thusly they believe that they’re absolved from tipping ever. I’ve frequented this bar for 7 plus years and only saw 2 other people in all that time actually tip and they were newbies.

Fast forward a few hours during which time the people who had to work the next day leave followed by the elderly patrons and then by the heavy drinkers/alcoholics leaving only a handful of lingering local barflies. Now at this point in the evening I had switched from beer to Rum&Coke of which I drank 3 before ordering my final drink of the evening (which is a double Rum&Coke) and this led to an even more absurd interaction between the bartender and myself. I went ahead and ordered my double Rum&Coke. What happen next I don’t understand at all as not only do I tip but I wasn’t bitching about her drinks being weak nor in anyway talking shit to the bartender (i.e. giving her a hard time) With that said the bartender walks over to the bar, grabs a 8oz glass and proceeded to leisurely pour 7oz of rum into the glass and then stopped. She then turns her head to look at me and asked angrily “Is this OK?!” as if we were having some sort of altercation and now I’m stuck with a pissed off belligerent bartender. The bartender then tops of the glass with a slash of coke, walks it over to where I was sitting at the bar and again gets in my face like we’re involved in a non existent disagreement. This time she places the drink in front of me then leans over the bar and asks me snidely “Does THAT make you happy?” and I simply said “Yes” and that was that.

Somethings Smells Fishy In Bejing

Ever wonder why it is that our electronic loves like smart phones, laptops,tablets etc. all come from China, but the Chinese government established insanely high prices for such devices (to the point unless your the asian equivalent of Bill Gates your shit out of luck)) insuring the general population will never own any of them. Doesn’t that seem oddly hypocritical? China exports an endless stream of electronics T.V.s, PCs etc. to America while at the same time making sure their citizens can’t access any of it?

The answer to me seems utterly obvious the Chinese know that electronic devices are extremely detrimental to the all over well being of their populous. The combination of social media, games and apps represent a very real threat, they are all key components in a technology that can quickly rise to epidemic levels and lay waste to a entire society. These devices provide a symbiotic system all of which has detrimental effects upon the people who indulge in them. We all have at this point heard the negative side effects on health and how users isolate so I’m not going to beat that dead horse, but I will take a second to say that its so modern American to acknowledge a problem and then do fuck all about it (accept perhaps to complain about it hoping some one will fix it) The big pictures bottom line is these devices affect the user so profoundly that they believe they can’t live without them or being on them constantly like a crackhead on a bender. They also distract people from the real world and real world issues as they suck the user into an abyss of escapism 24/7 365 non stop. The worst consequence of Americas addiction to all electronic devices and the social media they provide is IT MAKES YOU A FUCKING MORON. People just up and stop learning, thinking and questioning the world for themselves and devolve into a passive,mindless, vacant people devoid of individual personality and independent thought. The American public has been reduced to human cattle which the government loves, cattle doesn’t think doesn’t question they just do as their told. If this isn’t true explain how the hell Donald Trump managed to enter the presidential election?

Enough With The Great Gun Debate

Lets fucking face it there people that have a million reasons to ban all fire arms and other people who have a million reasons to keep the gun game going. As we hopefully are all aware there pros and cons to every fucking thing on Earth so this argument has always gone around and around in an endless circle( as it will till the end of time), and I for one am sick of fucking hearing all the hoopla.

Allow me play devil’s advocate to show the true reality of the situation. Lets say the anti gun people some how pull an ace out of their sleeve and win so all guns are illegal BUT SO FUCKING WHAT? The anti gun groups believe as part of their argument that if the guns were gone violent crime (especially murders) would drop to an all time historic low. I call bullshit on the grounds of basic human behavior which never fails mankind. Once the guns are gone people will shoot each other with fucking bow and arrows until they are banned too. Then you’d inevitably have to ban swords/knives/razors/machetes as they would be the next things people would revert to to kill each other. After all that absurdity there would need to be yet another ban this time on blunt objects because at that point people would simply beat each other to death. Now once all of those items are removed through banning your still fucked. Your fucked because people still have hands with which they can beat,torture and kill others so wtf do you do then? Cut every ones fucking hands off? Yet thats the only true way to end violence in society.

The Conflict of Crucifixion

Admittedly I’m not the most religious person but I know enough of christianity to be a bit curious. Heres the issue at hand Jesus was crucified as depicted in the bible and their were 2 criminals who were also crucified at the same time. Its the 2 convicts that caught my interest because of the factual history of crucifixion and its relation to christianity. People have crucified people through out the annals of time be it for such reasons as politics, religion, money or war. Granted there were who only knows how many innocent people who became collateral damage, but with that said in spite of the brutality of humanity there were legitimately tons of criminals of all types murderers,rapists,thieves etc. who were caught and crucified. So considering that innocent victims as well as convicted criminals were executed by crucifixion as was Jesus isn’t using the sign of the cross as a christian icon a conflict of interest per say?!