Month: September 2017

The Canned Meat & Alcohol Only Diet

A Friend of f-yourblog.com was kind enough to honor a previous request of Mine. The request was simply if your aimlessly surfing the Internet, and perhaps stumble upon some seriously weird shit please let me know. The Link the Reader forwarded me was to a Lithuanian website promoting one of the most bizarre Diets ever to be conceived.

It was called the Mesos Konserai ir Alkoholis Dieta which translates to The Canned Meat and Alcohol diet. Obviously the first part is a no brainer the dietary requirements where that you only eat canned meat. It does not restrict you to the type of canned meat it can be ANY and ALL canned meats  currently available to the public were fair game. You could only drink Alcohol while on the diet, and again it did not restrict your type of Alcohol. Any and ALL Alcohols again available to the public were fair game. There is no timeline or duration for this diet as it seems to be more of an endurance contest than it is a legitimate diet.

I decided to try it and in the name of Sociology. Not only would I try it but I’d document it through pictures of what I ate/drank each day 4 times a day for 26 days strait.

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After 26 days on the Canned Meat and Alcohol Diet I lost 31 pounds due to the fact I vomited almost half or all of what I ate 30 minutes after eating. Also I have never shit nearly as much as I did on this diet it was like a diarrhea Niagara fucking Falls pouring relentlessly out of my ass. Another side effect was all the alcohol totally disrupted my sleep schedule and after 10 days sleep deprivation became a very real issue. Last but not least again due to the excessive alcohol intake am now border line diabetic.

People ask was it worth it?

Honestly I don’t have a goddamn clue if it was.

Would You do it again?

In a word Yes. Life is a web of interlinked experiences, and this one was one for the history books.

Do You regret trying this diet?

No Not at All, I have NO regrets.

What about the Negative effects on your general health?

Everything has fucking side effects, go read the warning on the side of a bottle of Aspirin.

Thanks For The Read as Always,

Les Sober

A Fire Under My Arse

As I woke up feeling completely refreshed for the day at the everlastingly early hour of 9pm, I decided to do things different. This whole equinoxial load of crap had been taking its toll on me. Science says it has to happen but the far trappings of my mind are pure fire and brimstone.

Half and half? Half and half, you say? Well fuck that. Would you really want half and half in your daily life? I mean sure if you are my father you can put it in your coffee. The real world outside of your morning joe says oh the fuck no. Your wife is pregnant, so that is good. But the other half of you is on Maury being told emphatically, “You are NOT the father!!!!”.

You could have only gotten half the answers right on a test. You work at a bank and randomly decided to give half the people the right amount of money. You get halfway to an orgasm. So yeah the general principal does suck a hell of a fucking lot. I want things to be whole. I want myself to be whole.

Truth is when it comes down to it, we are all just a bunch of fragments bunched up into the frame that we were given. Molded together however we so choose to be.

Enough of the crap though this is not why I am really here. I am ready to have a bowel movement. The good kind. The kind a doctor would loom over the toilet bowl peer down at and say, “Why that is a healthy shit sir!”

Don’t you worry though my friend. I am not taking it on you, you or you (yes you, you lazy fuck you know who you are). My sphincter has its eye set on one person and one person alone. That is you Ms. Tori Amos. (thank you Less for getting me all riled up)

The thing is though I haven’t really always hated Tori Amos. In fact, I was one of her biggest fans. I bought all her albums, her b-sides, went to the shows. I even planned to follow her cross country, but alas that is an ill-fated tale for a blog never to be written.

I will say one nice thing about her though and a bit of a counterpoint to Less. Yes, her lyrics are extraordinarily vague but half of artists out there are vague as fuck and then the other half are Justin Bieber and friends. This is actually one of her stronger points. If it’s all spelled out in black and white sure more people might relate. Vagueness does inspire a certain group of haters. I should know I prefer to be vague as it is much better to maneuver around half truths, unspoken words, and the like.

Still though for years and years, I had this deep admiration for this woman. Call it youthful ignorance, call it what you may. I met some of the best friends I had ever had because of the love shared for her. It was a bit Me and A Gun.  Other times it was a Sorta Fairytale and A Cloud on My Tongue.

That all changed on one fateful night. Ten years ago. I still remember it like it was yesterday. I got to meet my hero or well anti-hero. I did not know what to expect.  Someone who was charming and wanted to meet her fans was a good start in my head. I did not want to come across as too cheery but who am I kidding? There is only person in the world who can make me that cheery. Thank you Molly.

This waif of a woman walked over. She was a hell of a lot fucking smaller then I had ever imagined. I mean she is a woman and I did not expect her to be Brienne of Tarth. She just looked like someone who I would walk up to on the street and be compelled to pull a cookie out of my pocket and feed to her. That cookie, you know, I may even have to chew it for her. I instantly knew what the song Girl Disappearing was about it. It was about this cokehead chick.

So you know the celebrity jitters like instantly wore off and my mom’s voice saying, “If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything” came rushing through my head. My friend Taylor spouted off some kind of soapy bullshit and had me take a selfie. Then it was my turn. I may have said something nice or how my other friend plays her by ear I’m not really sure. She was just so uninterested that I kinda soaked in the same general vibe. Maybe she caught my aghast scowl.

That night changed me. It was like the last bit of childhood naivety being ripped from my chest. It started the moment I was 10 and found out on the news that the Tooth Fairy was a fraud. It ended with you Tori Amos.

I must say as uninterested as you were meeting the fans with your generalized look of Feed Me, I’m A Professional Widow on your face you did put on one hell of a show. In fact the best I had seen until I had the chance to witness Pearl Jam several years back. It was a cold rainy autumn evening and the playlist was reflective of the sort. Then the song that changed it all played. Famous Blue Raincoat. It was the song that played my innocence off the stage, out of the building, into the ether.

I cannot blame you for all this directly so maybe this blog is more of a Hershey squirt and less of a dirty Sanchez for you. I probably should be thanking Leonard Cohen just as much for that song, but it was you who took me there.  I guess that song playing itself out with my one of my greatest loves I will ever have taking his life and the other love in my life rapidly becoming dead to me.

I could not relate as much to your music, mostly the new albums you dropped. In just that one moment, something shut off inside of me. It may be a good thing, there’s been more calculation and clarity since that moment. I guess opinions vary on the end of innocence.

Everything though about that night. I had to wear sunglasses at the show because of the lighting, I realized that my epilepsy was real and would have to live with it. Just so much of a flood of horseshit that at the time I could not even recognize. So Tori Amos… I have a few choice words for you. Fuck you. Thank you. I’ll Make Sure to Wipe.

 

By Spacedog

Our Animal Farm

I’m definitely what people would call an Animal Lover, and yes the cliche is true I love Animals and Despise People. I started to think about all the different pets I have had the pleasure of sharing my chaotic life with over the years, and for prosperity (Mine) decided to do what I do and make a list. I decided to use a timeline format to help grouping and increase clarity. First is the species followed by the pets name.

Growing Up Age: 3 Days Old to 18

A Golden Retriever: Tasha (My Dad’s 1st Dog)

DSH Cat: Little Bit (My Mom’s Cat)

Lhasa Apso: Chuzzle (Suffered chronic ear infections that led to an aggressive and undesirable behavioral problems, but we stuck by him just the same until his natural demise.)

Age 19 years old to 27 years old:

Maincoon Mix: Al (Alize) (was a 5 week old kitten rescued from a dumpster and deflated by hand by a neighbor of mine)

PitBull: VooDoo (Was the last puppy of a litter my co-worker was selling, but her landlord found out and demanded she rid the residence of all Puppies)

Lhasa Apso Mix: Jimbo (I became Jimbo’s Owner abandoned him at the kennel I was working at.)

Iguana: Tribe (A rescue, his previous owner was some kid who ended up going to collage and stuck the unwilling parents with the Iguana)

Bearded Dragon: Drivil (was re-homed to me again due to the fact the child wanted it and the parents ended up taking care of it though they obviously didn’t want to>)

 

Ages 27 years old to Current Age:

Iguana: Gizmo (was captured in the wild by a co-worker who asked me to iguana sit and then ditched him with me)

Pug/Boston Terrier Mix: Rascal (Adopted from Animal Shelter)

Maine Coon (cat): Big Kitty (Was a rescue from an Animal Shelter)

African Chameleon: Not Sure if he/she came with a name. (It was a re-homing as the previous owner bought it as an impulse buy and had decided perhaps that wasn’t the best idea he had ever had.)

Blue Tongue Skink (Lizard): Hook (Hook got his name due to a previous owners neglect that led Hook to self cannibalize, he ate all 4 of his legs, which over the following years became to regenerate. He was re-homed because his owner was suffered a severe head injury while serving in the Military)

Rat: Snafoo (Snafoo spelled this way is short for Snake Food which is what it was intended to be yet the snake gave it a get out of jail card if you will.)

Adabeece: Colombian Rainbow Boa Constrictor (Re-Homed because the owner had to move back home and her parents wouldn’t allow the snake sanctuary)

Monty: Ball Python (Again Re-Homed to me when I worked in a Veterinarians Office because the owner couldn’t treat the snakes chronic dry skin issue. Monty had made a full and significant recovery and if currently fat and happy.)

Love Birds (2): Frick and Frack (I received the love birds from an owner who had accumulated too many to handle appropriately.)

Mollies (fish): Too Many Too Name Individually (Were given to me when a friend of mines shitty girlfriend made him get rid of them.)

Ferrets: Judas (found wondering the streets by a dumpster by some kid who brought him into the Vet’s office I was working at.)

Kabuki: My Wife Bought Him for Me and to give Judas a playmate.

Frankenstien: Came from a co-worker at the Vets office My wife worked at

BooBoo: Re-homed by a friend/co-worker at the Vet office my wife worked in.

Scarlet: Re-homed when her companion died.

English Bulldog:Bubba (We got Bubba when his owner decided he didn’t give a flying fuck about the Dog because he was old and had old man issues, and the Vet I worked for took custody of Bubba from the owner to prevent further neglect, and I ended up bring him home the end.)

DSH Cat: Inky (Was my Wife’s Cat, a package deal who was a stray from the mean streets of NJ)

DSH Cat: Bradshaw (we ended up re-homing Bradshaw to a dear friend because he and Inky actually tried to kill one another, proof animals are capable of hate.)

Hermit Crabs: Various Absurd Names like “The Monster Clint”(I got obsessed with hermit crabs and had a 300 gallon tank that was empty so I decided to convert it into a Hermit Crab “City”)

2 Snapping Turtles: Mrs. Snaps and Mr. Chomps (I ended up rehoming the turtles to a neighborhood acquaintance who had vast experience and love working with wild animals. Last I heard she was feeding them raw Chicken.)

French Bulldog: Dozy (was re-homed to us by a breeder and dogs how pro who decided that she wanted to back to breeding and showing Boxers so she retired all her French Bulldogs, Dozy was a prolific champion who I heard many other dog show people were happy to see go.)

English BullDog: Wally (Re-homed to us when his owner realized he was working more and more which left less and less time for Wally who was stuck in his crate too much for too long.)

DLH Cat: KiKi (Was re-homed to use by an owner who could no longer keep her)

DSH Cat: Mouse (We got Mouse when a dear friend died, Mouse had both her eyes removed at 6 weeks of age due to brutal ulcers that were destroying her eyes.)

DSH Cat: Scooter (Belonged to the same dear friend, BUT was snuck into our house while we were away by our friend. Scooter spent the first part of his life with us holed up in a bedroom closet. He since has broken out of his shell to the point I wish sometimes I could put him back in.)

Miniature Dachshund: Lolly (Lolly came to us from a breeder, see Lolly is white which is synonymous with birth defects. Lolly is completely Deaf and 1/2 blind, but the happiest little fucker I have ever seen.)

DSH Cat: Schmoo (Named for the constant meow meets scream that she made as a kitten. My wife found Schmoo crying under a bush outside our house while hanging Christmas Lights.)

2 Lab/Rottweiler Mixes: Dingus (Gus for Short) and Nymh (Dingus and Nymh are brother and sister puppies we found sitting on the side of a dirt road notorious for illegal Dog Dumping. After we drove past them my Wife called my attention to the review mirror where I saw the Pups chasing after our car for all it was worth.)

 

Thats That for now until another Misfit falls into our laps.

Thanks for the Read as Always,

Les Sober

 

Tori Amos: A Quick Clarification

It’s no secret that I’m about the farthest fucking thing from a Tori Amos fan, not by a long shot. I find her music extremely melodramatic with  Heavy Piano, it the only music  that makes Emo look like it has balls. Amos’s Lyrics are Vague and as for “singing” Amos opts to howl, wail, and Yodel her way through every damn song like she’s America’s answer to Iceland’s Bjork.

Its also no secret that Tori Amos has had a long torrid love affaire with cocaine. Tori Amos is essentially a life long cokehead and it shows in her so called music.

There is a popular Tori Amos song (who’s title surprise, surprise I don’t know) BUT the Chorus is;

“God sometimes you don’t come through…”

To be crystal clear Amos’s is not making a profound statement about a religious deity. She is making a exclamation about her Coke Dealer.

Now I’m no Saint or anything resembling one and I’ve been in the situation Tori Amos finds herself in as far as the subject matter pertaining to this song. Its definitely one of the shittiest feelings know to all mankind to be Coked out of your mind tweaking like a Son-Of-A-Bitch and you can’t get a hold of your Drug Dealer.

The intense feeling of utter desperation taxed heavily with anxiety and uncontrollable racing thoughts/pulse, pounding heartbeat, Paranoia, and the intense craving is one of the reasons drug addicts question why they do the drugs they do when their Sober.

The most fucked up thing is I really hate Cocaine, I was never into stimulants, Depressants were my favorite drugs. What I mean by that is Coke made me feel more not less. So I haven’t done Cocaine in 14 years and have no plan to indulge in it ever again.

Thanks For The Read,

Les Sober    

 

GG Allin In His Own Words

Song: “Bite It You Scum”

Written By: GG Allin

Preformed By GG ALLIN & The Murder Junkies

Lyrics:

” You want me to Kiss Your Ass?

Well Bend over Buddy here comes my Foot!

I don’t need your crying ass Shit,

Temper rising pitch a fit”

Chorus: Bite It You Scum!

Bite It You Scum!

Bite It You Scum, Here I come!

Bite It You Scum!

Well you want me to contribute,

All I got is blood for you!

All you want is more and more,

Gluttony You Pig! You WHORE!

Chorus: Bite It You Scum!

Bite It You Scum!

Here I Come,

Bite It You Scum I want your cum

Bite It You Scum!

One day when your end is near,

I’ll be laughing at your fear,

When I’m done there be no one,

then who will be fucking up my fun? NO ONE!

Chorus: Bite It You Scum!

Bite It You Scum!

Bite it! Bite It! Bite It! Bite It You Scum!

Bite It You Scum I’ll never run,

Bite It You Scum!

Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggghhhhh!

Bite It You Scum!

Bite, Bite, Bite, Bite It, It, IT, IT

Bite It You Scum!

Bite It You Scum Sucking Fucking Whore!’


 

 

 

The Righteous Return of SpaceDog: She’s Having My Baby?!!

So I heard from her yesterday. I never expected the call in a million years. I’ve kept her a very well kept secret for a very long time.

Well yeah so…. this is what I have been hiding. I have been leading a double life of sorts. Only just this winter though. I mean I have a habit of enjoying living a double life, moreso it’s like isolation, then secret playtime.

So I tried to be different….

I tried it out with a girl. You know, it. I know I could use a nicer term for “it” but it was really my thing and i puked during is a bit too long.

So yeah she was pretty. I had been practicing vocal lessons….. To make my voice deeper to take out the gay or at least take out enough gay to be metrosexual in new york. Apparantly I suceeded.

WHAT THE DILLY YO???????
So those of you who personally know me, you know my phone has been off for periods ranging from anywhere from 2 days to as long as 2 weeks at a time if I get too lazy to find the damn thing. Well I kinda have a errrrrrr other phone that y’all don’t know about.

Anyway so I go one time for a few days and am in New York City. I went up originally to go out with my sister and her husband but alas there is never a normal night out for me. The less I try for sparks to fly, sexually and otherwise, the more my big mouth gets me into trouble.

Sooooo….my sister and I get Chinese. Then I go out on my own to the closest bar. My sister thinks I’m a lush so she doesn’t like when I drink around her. I wanted green liquor. I wanted to be the Hulk and have pretty green eyes but preferrably not gangrene. I prefer yellow fever.

So yeah I picked the wrong fortune cookie. I never had bought a woman a drink in my life before. (sorry ladies…. :(………

So I thought why not buy a drink for this little China woman down the bar. I got her something girly with Malibu in it or an alien secretion (which is green of course 🙂 …. So not only does she take the drink, she comes over and starts talking to me. I must have been straight in my past life or something because my bullshit lines came very naturally to me. I told her, her name was Lisa (but really it was like Ming Wong or Xiana Zu or some shit….like I remember!!!), that she looked lonely and I wanted to take her out for the evening.

She actually agreed. I was like what the hell. I wasn’t expecting this. I could have just ran…. Well then she was like let’s drink something more manly. I’m not as innocent as I look.

So we do shots of jack.
And more jack.
And more.

Then I said lets do some southern comfort.

Everything proceeded to fade to black after that.

I woke up in a hotel. I had no clue where I was. I had to look outside to see okay I’m still in an urban area, which I assumed was New York. I went to go check the mail (best way to find out where you are) and there was no mail. I looked and looked. Oh wait a bible. I’m at a hotel.

So I was in the Bronx. How the fuck I got there I have no idea. I thought to call my sister but no I’ll just find a subway, take a subway, and get the hell home.

So I did.

TODAY IS THE GREATEST DAY I’VE EVER KNOWN?????
So today I did something I normally never do. I actually answered one of those private numbers on my phone. My friends from the land of Glass Dickia have no phone anymore so I was mildly curious. It was her. I didn’t even know she had my number!!! So after going through the whole Hi Do You Know Who This Is? bullshit she drops the bomb.

I’m pregnant.

I drop my bomb.

I’m gay.

She drops the next bomb.

I know it’s yours.

Having no more bombs, I say well maybe it was a thing like you know Mary had. Maybe God came by in the night and stuck you with a turkey baster???

She was not amused.

Anyway the awkward convo went on for 5 minutes. I got off the phone. And after that I got piss drunk. And here I am……

Anyway…..I’m not even sure if I should believe this girl. I don’t know. She just seems like drama. I think I might be drama too. She mentioned if I don’t believe her to go with her on Maury. I felt like saying bitch maybe it’s his. He got that yellow fever way more then me.

So yeah I don’t know if I have been wrongly accused or not. I used to brag about getting out of sticky situations. So ummmm I suppose this is my birthday “gift”. I don’t know if I should just forget about my other phone or what the hell i should do……

I mean ladies….have you ever been wrong before about your baby daddy???? If only I smoked pot like I used to and had seed that would rather float around in the wind. My seed isn’t supposed to plant itself!!!! I’m gay!!!!!

I don’t know anymore. Life used to be so simple. I used to know who I was and what I was and what I wanted. All I know is I do not want this. OMFG!!!! I’m speechless.

By

SpaceDog

For Shits & Giggles: The Low Country List

Here is a list of a few things I personally find endearing and welcome as part of a simpler way of living. Yet most people it is safe to say would have a rough time adjusting to.

  1. No Night Life by 10:00pm EVERYTHING is closed including Gas Stations.
  2. Its a little more half hour drive to find a Fast Food Restaurant.
  3. Having direct access to Killer BBQ thats only Available 2 days a week (Friday and Saturday 11am to 9pm)

4. There is No Trash Pick Up. You have to load your trash up in your car/truck and drive it to the Local Dump (Closed on Sundays and Wednesdays)

5. You can drive 60 mph where ever you need to possibly go.

6. There is not a single Traffic Light in the tiny town I live in, 1 Street Light in a near by neighboring town, and the town directly next to us holds the record for Traffic Lights at a grand total of 2.

7. There is No Food Deliveries. Not even the token Pizza Place or Chinese Restaurant will deliver so whatever you order you have to pick up so you need to keep your eye on the clock like I said shit closes here early.

8. There No Street Lights. When your driving its PITCH BLACK the only things you can see are the stars and your head lights.

9. Hospitals are not local nor near by. The Hospital ER I had to visit while down here getting married was an hour and a half away from town.Luckily for me my Wife is an Insanely Smart and wildly Intelligent RN.

10. There is only a single Veterinarian there are No other Veterinary options as there are no Animal Emergency Hospitals either. Our Local Vet is a tough as nails 82 year old man who’s mind is as sharp as his wit, but just like the Wild West once he is no longer practicing then the question is Who Will?

11.There is a VERY SMALL Police Presence so Owning (and knowing how to use) a gun or several Guns is considered the logical thing to due in these parts. When We first moved here our extremely rural town of 344 residents spread out through the Southern Country had on 1 Police Officer. Think about that for a minute its mind bending. Our town now as of 3 months ago hired a second Police Officer. That math means only one Police Officer is on duty at a time. Again take a minute to wrap your mind around that little ditty. There are surprisingly more Cancelled Weapons Permits issued here as there are in The Great Souther Swamp, but the attitude here on the subject are in direct contrast to one another. Here people keep Gun Ownership (including Shot Guns and Rifles not just Handguns) to themselves they don’t broadcast it to the fucking world. In The Swamp its a bunch of moronically macho cowboys running around with assault Rifles and shit bragging none stop trying to trick the world into not finding out how small his dick actually is.

12. Everyone has Well Water as the Public Water Works won’t extend their services to remoter areas.

13. People talk and interact with each other, when your out you won’t see a single Lap Top or Tablet. You won’t find people stumbling around with their heads buried in the Smart Phones, in fact its hard to find someone just making a phone call on a Smart Phone.

14. Here Cash is still King, Paying with Plastic is not the norm by far.

There are no Fire Hydrants. This is something you wouldn’t even actually notice until it was pointed out to you by your Insurance Company. Its an Insurance issue because if your house is remotely located (the County doesn’t extend their Fire Hydrant services that far),and the small Fire Station is going to take quite awhile its safe to assume if your house catch on fire theres a HUGE RISK of it burning to the ground.

15. If you need other certain services such as say an Exterminator you ay have to wait a bit because if you live in a remoter location they don’t want to come all the way out for just one call so they bundle them if you will.

16. Lastly, and this I have come to HATE is due to our remote rural geography the Major Internet Providers like Verizon, Adelphi, Comcast, At&t etc. don’t provide service because they aren’t enough people to cover costs and make what they deem as a good profit margin. So what the hell does that mean, well I’ll tell you. It means you have to take a technology specific time machine back to fucking 1982 by which I mean SATELLITE SERVICE. Its pretty fucking safe to say that since 1982 there have been few to none improvements in technology and thus service. Its the same bullshit now as it was then if it rains the service gets sketchy or just cuts out. Now back in the day it was just your cable that went out but with the greedy bundling bastards of today now you Land Line (cell phone service is shady at best, here calls get dropped on a daily basis) Cable AND INTERNET go out. The part that irritates me the most is not only do I have to rely on OUT DATED Technology with Sub Par Service(s) because there is only one Satellite Provider is costing me 3 fucking times more than it did in The Great Southern Swamp.

Thats All For Now Folks, Thanks For The Read

Les Sober

A Jokes Who’s Social Commentary Went From Funny To Just Plain Disturbing

I feel the following sums up the state of affairs in American under Trump The Traitor. America We Need To Unite As A Nation and Prepare For A 2nd Revolutionary War: The Politicians & The Rich Vs. The Citizens & The Poor.

A World Wide survey was conducted by The United Nations (UN).

The Question asked was: “Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of The World?”

The Suravy was a Huge Failure.

In Africa They didn’t know what “Food” Meant.

In Eastern Europe They didn’t know what “Honest” Meant.

In Western Europe They didn’t know what “Shortage” Meant.

In China They didn’t know what “Solution” Meant.

In South America They didn’t know what “Please” Meant.

AND IN AMERICA They didn’t know what “The Rest Of The World” Meant.

Thanks For The Read,

Les Sober

 

SpaceDog Sobers Up

Spacedog has finally come back to Earth from his Hallucinatory High Holiday and managed to retain what was left of his sanity.

Les Sober

Hey Les,

So recently I decided as an experiment to put down the beer for 2 weeks. I put down the hard liquor and all that other stuff and drugs, but couldn’t help myself to a few whipits, I mean the jackassed government only gives me $14 of food stamps a month and I can’t use this on smokes or beer so what better.

So I did this experiment, still felt like shit and got drunk. I went overboard but whatelse is new. Hard liquor, control, and my presence usually equal drama. For as little drama as I supply sober, I more then make up a few shots, no wait it really only takes one drink to get the drama train started.

Yeah blah blah blah. So I went back to beer. Drama really doesn’t happen with beer unless I’m drinking because I’m sad and well I’ve only done that drink beer sad thing twice in the past year. First time ended with a broken emergency supply kit in my vehicle (and a very angry friend’s grandmother who wants to crucify me) and the second time ended with a seven hour phone call. Maybe longer. Not sure, was worshipping the porcelin god in my bathroom.

So twice in a year isn’t so bad. It’s far worse with hard.

Long story short. I think I have a gluten allergy. Which means no beer!!!! I can get over the lack of chips and pretzels and processed crap and bread but no beer!!!!

All I know is I am A LOT happier the past week and certain ailments (most notably dry skin and random happy 31st birthday acne) have mystically cleared up.

Right now, I feel like Courtney Love probably felt when she was becoming an actress like, “Oh shit I need to put on a dress AND underwear??? And pose like a lady ??? And not get drunk that bad!!!!???? WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!”.

Well she only lasted well maybe a year or two before she was drunk and screaming at Madonna on MTV.

Anyway that’s how I feel. I am not ready to put on professional people clothes and wear ties and drink glasses on wine with equally stuffy people sipping on cosmos. NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!

I mean I’m more a box of wine type, but there’s no good place to put that in my car. It’s like when I used to travel with my hooka, it was great company for trips by oneself but I like red wine and I’m a bit of a mess.

So does anyone have ideas of either A) What I should drink? B) Where I should drink? OR C) The next establishment they would like to see me banned from.

and YES I have not been bannished from anywhere since “ASSGATE” in Philly. Almost 3 years ago!!!

Catch up later, Spacedog