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Month: October 2017
I Never Titled It. I Hate Titles. They Should Die. By SpaceDog
I decided on the old spring cleaning today. More like my portable DVD player is gathering dust and I need to find its extension cord. So even though the ideas of what I want to write are running through my head at a blistering pace, like sperm pelting the floor at a bathhouse, I’ve taken the lazy way out and decided to throw up a few brooding poems from about five years ago. I think I wrote them in rehab, hence the plastic bed references casually strewn in there.
Disowned Why do I work to escape this very moment The hate in my soul drips forth with blood My chest collapses slowly ..I feel for my pulse but it’s not to be found You still plague my soul And I used to run, I used to fly And one day I’ll wake up I plot and I ponder. And I know this isn’t reality
——————————————————————————— and then there is this one. i never titled it. i hate titles. they should die. ———————————————————————————- All my Johnnys have gone away Then I sailed across the ocean I ate a sundae with marshmellows The boat then crashed ashore But I’ve lost your scent And one day I do know Yet maybe it’s my destiny The queen of hearts left my deck long ago
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Neighbors are a Nuisance
Its really no secret that I despise Neighbors and basically have spent a good deal of avoiding or ignoring them which has worked well for me. Neighbors are nosey, opinionated, annoying, time consuming obstacles. Neighbors serve no true purpose accept to bother you with these moronic social protocols (and social norms ) as much a humanly possible until you actually feel that your loosing your godforsaken mind.
Things unfortunately change in this case we made a geographical change moving out of the Great Southern Swamp to The Southern Country. One side effect of living here is the fact that the people here are insanely social and gossip is their bread and butter. I’m not social and I hate gossip. Lucky for me very few of our Neighbors actually live here year round so the benefit being that we only see them once in a blue moon for a few days and then their gone again for months. The house to our left is used as a family meeting/vacation spot which means their never around. The house on the right is the same story accept the people on the right their there even less which is wonderful.
Now with that said We did officially meet the couple that lives on the right of us once and I’m guessing We will never speak with them again. See heres the unfortunate events that doomed anything social between us and the Neighbors occurring ever again. We met them one afternoon when My Wife and I were hanging out on our home office’s massive front porch. The Neighbors happened to be out in their front yard doing mundanely routine lawn care crap at the same time. Eventually the Neighbors came over and introduced themselves and we introduced ourselves in return, and then proceeded to shoot the inanest of shit. After a few introductory minutes the Neighbors finally returned to their yard and life went on.
The next day I got an e-mail from our Realtor (We were selling our Great Southern Swamp vacated Offices) stating the bullshit shoppers were ready to make a real deal and I needed to contact him ASAP. Well I immediately e-mailed him, waited 4-5 minutes and then texted him followed directly with a phone call, but I couldn’t get a hold of him it was as if he just evaporated out of existence. This insane cycle goes on 8 hours or so and I still haven’t gotten a hold of him. A couple of minutes before My Wife came home I get a text from Our Realtor stating he had been called in for jury duty and had spent all day sitting down at the court house. While I was relieved to finally hear from the Realtor and to know what the hell was going on, BUT I was also pissed as a motherfucker because when he knew he had been called for jury duty he should I contacted me then and explained the situation properly.
My Wife gets home and I’m pacing the front porch like a rabid Lion at the Zoo. As soon as she sits down I erupt like a Nuclear explosion and launch into a full fledged Ranting and Raving Fit. I totally forgot where I was in reality as I ramp up more and more as I go getting a real adrenaline high from increasingly getting angrier. I spouted off all kinds of utterly screwed up statements and claims pertaining to our Realtor and the jury duty deal.
Here is an Example: (Note: When I hit lose my shit you know because every other word basically is fuck)
“E-Roc fucking e-mailed me 1st fucking thing and says we got a deal so I fucking have to fucking call him back but the son of a bitch doesn’t answer shit, not a goddamn thing! I texted the shit out of him, did no damn good, no fucking e-mails, no fucking phone calls so I’m fucking wondering what the fuck is going on since theres a sweet deal to get done quickly! Its fucking money, a good bit of fucking money and where the fuck is my Realtor, how the fuck can I get a fucking deal fucking done when I fucking can’t get a fucking hold of my motherfucking Realtor?!! When the fuck did E-Roc become an unbearable fucking asshole, he works for Us so he fucking doesn’t get a goddamn dime till we fucking sell the fucking shitty fucking old ass offices for fucks sake!!”
In the midst of this tirade I happen to suddenly realize where I am and as I turn to face my Wife I see both of our Neighbors milling around in their backyard. When our eyes met they both looked away quick as hell and then putzed around doing meaningless shit like moving the trash can from one side of the house to the other.
Thusly at this point I think its safe as safe to say we will never be speaking with them ever again as they seemed shell shocked enough by witnessing such a enraged rant laced heavily with profanity.
Oh well shit happens. I’m not losing any sleep over it I assure you my Fine Reader.
Thanks For Reading,
Les Sober 
Venison, Your Vehicle, and You
I am not at all sure why I feel the need to relate this little kid bit of information to our fine Readers, but hey what the Hell right?!
When it comes to Car Accidents involving Deer people assume that it happen one of two ways.
1st The startled Driver swerved to miss the Deer in the road and drove into a ditch or tree. The 2nd is the Panicked Driver couldn’t avoid hitting the deer which bounced off the vehicle’s bumper before the terrified Driver drove into a corn field or into a lake/pond. These are both valid and real scenario’s BUT there is a 3rd.
The 3rd is far more grousome, far more brutal than the first two thats for sure. The 3rd scenario the Driver freaks out and plows head on right into the Deer. The impact causes the Deer to roll up onto the hood of the vehicle where 1 of 2 things occurs. The Deer barrels rolls into the windshield shattering it into smithereens feet first in which case you have a fully grown, frantic, shocked, and flowing with adrenaline Deer’s legs kicking and flailing like mad. Now you are more than likely picturing sitting behind the wheel of a car and then adding the injured Deer concluding that the Deer will simply kick you in the head repeatedly until your dead, and you’d be right thats exactly what happens. Now there is a chance that the Driver hit a mature Male Deer or Buck who slams through the windshield and whips its head equipped with a decent (or better) set of Antlers those Antlers will stab and slash you to pieces like a group of enraged spears on Adderall.
Now then what was my point exactly?
Oh yeah theres a chance if You hit a Deer while on the road there is a 1 in 4 chance it will come through your windshield and kick you in the head until you are dead and your head has the consistency of a bashed rotten cantaloupe.
There is also a 1 in 4 chance you’ll hit a Male Deer and will be gored to death.
Fuck Bambi Right??!
Thanks For The Read,
Les Sober
A Difference in Directors : A Quick Character Comparison
There are two sistink ways a Movie Director signs off on their various Films. The First is “A So-and-So Film” and the second being the “A Film by So-and-So” Now in reality these are just a way to Brand their product to help get the Directors name and work out into the World.
Now here is what chaps my ass when it comes to these two types of Branding. Allow me to explain.
The First identifier the “A Film by So-and-So” in my opinion is just fine and absolutely appropriate. Its a more subtly humble way of addressing how a Director takes credit for their work. Its a way to help Viewers to recognize the Director’s past/present/future Films, and know what kind of fare they will be seeing splayed across the Silver Screen. Think of it like this for example (as well as comparison purposes) if you see Stephen King’s name you know what your getting, your getting some seriously sick ,twisted,violent, scary fucking shit. If you see Tom Clancy’s name you again know what your getting which is some crazy, detailed, expert account of the American Military, Government Agencies and Politicians.
Now the Second way for a Director to help the public identify their Films is to use the tag line “A Film by So-and-So” THIS IS SO GODDAMN STUPID. This claim goes far beyond egotistical and far into megalomania. Why is this? Its because when you state “A Film by So-and-So” its as if their saying “I did this, ME and only ME”, and thats so fucking ridiculous its insulting and offensive to all the other people/professionals that worked their asses off on the Film to help complete the Director’s vision of/for their particular Film. I mean really what the fuck is the Director thinking or perhaps its the fact that their not thinking about anything (or anyone) else, but themselves and their career. Seriously what am I the viewer supposed believe that the Director was responsible for the entire production as if they acted all the parts, ran cameras and sound, found locations to shoot, did wardrobe, special effects, stunts, catering, editing, producing, writing, promoting, the soundtrack, and funded the whole fucking Film themselves which as we all know is the farthest fucking thing from the actual truth.
In Summation if your going to Direct Movies thats awesome and I wish you all the luck in Hollyweird, BUT when the Film is wrapped, all said is and done DON’T BE A SELF CENTERED PRICK. Its your Film true but my point is you sure as hell didn’t do it all by your little self now did you?!
Thanks For the Read,
Les Sober
It Always Happens In 3’s by SpaceDog
So I’m supposed to have a lot of these aspiration type things. Or maybe just a few. However I cannot pay attention to any one thing in my life so far this year for more then three days at a time.
Why three days? I don’t know. Perhaps it is my premenstrual cycle of attention deficit asshole disorder kicking in but I’m not really sure. Yet low and behold. Three days of this, three days of that.
Three days of fuck the world I’m not charging my cell phone. Three days of oh shit call everyone back and act dumb as to why my phone is off.
Three days of drunken slob.
Three days of recovering Christian.
Three days of online gaming.
Three days of swearing off online gaming.
Well hopefully I can break this trend with a few of these great occupations that I can begin training for a.s.a.p. Right when I am done telling you about how brilliant I truly am for thinking of these jobs. Perhaps some of you can join me in these undertakings.
(These jobs are not in any special order. They are equally fabulously delicious)
#1- Somali Pirate!
I get to loot and pillage and plunder and live in a foreign land. Sure I don’t particularly look Somali and if caught will most likely reside in Guantanemo Bay but I get to wear an eye patch and get a tan and rediscover my African roots. That’s some hot shit!
#2- Jizz Mopper!
This isn’t a particularly glamorous job but the temp agency I went to last week told me that all the positions for fluffers had been taken. While I am not too keen on this one Ms. Hyman down at the agency told me if I collect enough jizz in a jar she knows a few places I could sell it for commission. So I will keep this one in mind.
#3-Cirque De Soliel!
Okay so I’m not particularly fond of French Canadiens for some reason but I get to swing around like a complete moron. I really will be able to lose a lot of weight doing this and well this definitely would get me in shape for pirating and jizz mopping. I can’t think of any talent for them I’ll just say I’m clairvoyant. They could always use another one of those.
#4- Lab Rat!
So I saw this ad in the paper. I don’t have testicular cancer or hemroids or pussy swelling of the nipples like they need me to have, however I am sure if I put a little research into this sort of thing I can get my nut to go in hiding for a while or fake a little pus. Oh wait it says estrogen enhancement needed. I can’t really go there. I like my man parts.
#5- Bible School Counselor!
Hmmm maybe. I can make up my own biblical stories and maybe I can even wear a habit. Nah then I’ll have to cover for priests and I may have to jizz mop the confessional booth.
Oh what the hell!
Hmmm maybe I can be a jizz moping somali pirate lab rat bible dipping circus freak. Yeah I like wearing a lot of hats.
Ummmmm can I borrow some money to get to Somalia anyone?
Whoever can help me I get you lots of strange booty.
Prologue To A New Project Piece
Lets get to the point I’m a huge GG Allin fan though even I can’t agree with all of his Rock’n Roll Rhetoric and a few of his Batshit Beliefs. Plenty of people over the decades have attempted to chronicle the life and music of GG Allin.
There are 2 documentaries (Live Fast Die and the more known Hated In The Nation) that are extremely different in how they cover the subject/subject matter. The first follows a Punk Music Fan as he learns about GG Allin after reading a short 75 word article in a Hardcore Music Mag. The second was directed by none other than Mr. Todd Phillips while attending NYU in his junior year, and actually followed GG Allin on Tour/On The Road. Both are exceptionally well done and deserve proper recognition in their own right.
GG Also appeared quite promptly in the early 1990’s (1990 after his release from prison to his death due to a drug overdose on Heroin combined with Alcohol in the summer of 1993) He is most notoriously known for his appearance(s) on the Geraldo Riviera Show where he was known for his furious ranting and raving (much of which was incoherent) and combative attitude especially towards the disapproving audience members.
GG was also covered predominately in print through countless Magazine articles on his life/music, and News Papers articles on his arrests/trials/outlandish antics or behavior (GG was arrested over 51 times during his life mainly for his extremely aggressive and raunchy stage antics.)
GG even wrote his own book (his prison-era memoirs) titled “My Prison Walls” containing letters, illustrations, prose, and GG’s personal account of his time spent in prison.
So I’ve decided if a picture is truly worth a thousand words, and that GG has already been immortalized in Film, the Media, and Television alike I will be posting a solely pictorial piece on GG Allin. It has take an extraordinarily long time to hunt down a sufficient number of pictures, but its not been an impossible.
Now with that said I feel it is important and pertinent to list the most prominent facts pertaining to GG Allin and because of that I am writing this Prologue Post.
- GG’s Father was an religious fanatic who was vehemently anti Social and more than likely suffered from Schizophrenia though that has remained unfounded. GG’s father didn’t have friends and hated most everybody and detested society. He was also know for flying into rages where he would go into the backyard and dig 3 graves (one for his wife, one for GG and one for his older brother Merle), and told them he’d kill them and bury them in the backyard if they didn’t obey him.
- The GG moniker came from the simple fact that his older brother Merle couldn’t pronounce Jesus so he would call his little brother GG.
3. When GG was born his father named him Jesus Christ Allin after having a conversation with God in which God told him his son would be coming of Christ.
4. GG grew up in a small cabin in the woods with no running water or electricity.
5.GG’s father demanded absolute silence after 9pm so after 9 no one was allowed to talk.
6. GG’s Mom finally ditched her abusive husband and renamed GG Kevin Micheal Allin.
6.GG Allin started his music career as a drummer and transitioned into singer when he formed the band The Jabbers.
7.GG Allin promoted excessive amounts of Alcohol, Drugs, Sex, and Violence against Authority, Society and Haters/critics/wannabes mainly.
8.Again GG was arrested over 51 times during his musical career and in 1990 was sentenced to 3 years in Prison after alleged allegations of abuse by a fan. GG served 18 months of his sentence before being paroled. GG broke parole almost immediately to go on Tour.
9.GG never completed a full Tour due to personal injury or being arrested/jailed.
10.GG believed Rock’n Roll had been watered down into a bullshit form of music and he wanted to return the “Edge” to Rock’n Roll returning it to its former deviant form.
11.GG worked with numerous bands such as The Aids Brigade, The Jabbers, The Texas Nazis (who kicked him out), The Murder Junkies, AntiSeen, The Toilet Rockers, and The Scumfucs just to name a few.
12.GG used to attend High School in Drag and attended his brother’s wedding as both The Maid of Honor and Best Man.
13.GG Allin stage acts consisted of: Nudity (stripping buck naked during his performance was a GG staple) or GG appearing in just combat boots and a jockstrap with the words “EAT ME” written on it. GG was also known for Pissing on his fellow band members, Self Mutilation (GG would cut and carve himself up with broken beer bottles or crushed beer cans), Fights with the audience, Smashing the microphone into his clenched teeth (he once knocked out 6 of his own teeth during a single show, Live sex acts (fans would preform dude sex acts on or with GG during the show), Drinking Excessively/Drugs, Vandalizing Clubs/Venues, and GG’s most famous act of shitting on stage. GG didn’t just shit on stage he rolled in it, smeared it on himself and audience members, threw it at the audience, and even eating it.
14.GG’s shows usually lasted only 10-15 minutes before the promoter, club owner or Police shut it down due to violence, obscenity, assault or destruction of personal property (The Venue/Club)
So with that I end this pre emptive prologue piece and hope you check out the forth coming GG ALLIN: The Man, The Myth, The Monster Pictorial.
Thanks For The Read as Always,
Les Sober
I Don’t Drink That: Beer Blues
I’m simply sick and tired of friends and family that know me best chronically forgetting what alcohol(s) I drink, they all should damn well know better by now. So I’m at the point where the only goddamn thing I can do (having exhausted all other options) is to actually put it in Black & White.
Wine: No, I don’t drink Wine. Now lets be clear I have drank a fair share of Wine before in my life and I enjoy the drunk, BUT Wine hates the hell out of me. The worst most hellacious hangovers I have ever had the misery of experiencing were all from drinking Wine. I drank only Red Wine, I detest the taste of White Wine, and I sure a hell never drank any god forsaken Pink Wine bullshit.
Shots: No Not Any More. I used to do shots of Vodka or Whiskey but gave them both up as shots seemed to excellerate bouts of drunken insanity or black outs.
Punches/Niche Drinks: Hell to the No. I don’t care about Ancient Alcohols, Medical Meads, Roman Receipts or BC Boozes. Save that shit for the fare fans of Renaissance Fairs.
Cocktails: No with the acceptation of a Captain & Coke once in a blue moon or perhaps a Mojito ever several blue moons. Especially now a days as cocktails are making a massive comeback, I have no need for artisan cocktails. In my opinion Bitters are Bullshit, Garnishes of pickled Jalapeño or Candied Bacon are drink drama, infusions (example wood smoke) are for Idiots and Muddling is for Morons. I don’t want to watch my Bartender spend 15 minutes making a drink like he’s a member of Circus Du Soleil.
Malt Liqueurs and Fortified Wines: I don’t drink Mad Dog 20/20, Old English, King Cobra, Crazy Horse, Thunderbird, Ripple, Red Rose or Boone’s Farm because I’M NOT IN FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL. That combined with the fact I’m also not WHITE TRASH or HOMELESS.
Hard Ciders/Sodas/Lemonades: No Way, No How. The concepts are cool but they don’t translate from paper to reality. Hard Ciders taste like fermented/spoiled Apple Juice thats been sitting in your grandmothers garage for several years.
Moonshine: Never Again. If you drink Moonshine you won’t be back to your self for at least 48 hours.
Beer: YES, WE HAVE A WINNER. I primarily drink Domestic Beers but I do like a few Imports as well as Craft Beers.
I like a couple Micro Brews, but their accessibility is restricted to geographical location.
I Hate IPA’s and other similar beers like Black And Tans, Bitter Beer is Bitch Beer in my mind.
I primarily drink Lagers and Ales, I hate Wheat Beers because after you drink a couple you feel like you fucking drank a huge loaf of bread.
I also HATE shit like seasonal beers like Pumpkin brews I mean Pumpkin WTF is wrong with you?
So thats I Official Alcohol Intake Mission Statement,
Thanks For Reading,
Les Sober.
Mistress Marijuana : Pot Porno 2
The Gallery of Ganja By Les Sober 
Intoxication or Insanity a Text Conversation with SpaceDog & Les Sober
LS: Ever feel the urge to ask a woman if her husband “wants to fuck her in the ass as the norm or REALLY into Pegging because he’s obviously gay and isn’t fooling anyone but you.
SD: What like a random ass woman? Like the cashier at ShopWrong I should just go up to and ask that? IDK I convinced some straight guy to finger himself once while rolling, but didn’t think he was all that gay. Sadly for me he did it in the bathroom and was not into exhibitionism.Idk don’t some straight guys prefer the ass? Isn’t that the preferred hole for all those evangelicals you got down there? Gotta save myself for jesus.
LS: Random or not. Lmfao Thats what Molly gets you fingering your own ass. The anti drug whores should put that in their Ads. Then what was the point? All bathroom, no exhibition?!Straight guy ass play is based on basic on a biological fact meets homophobia. The fact remains stimulating the prostate will make you cum hard.
SD: Idk I’m no Zac Efron I can’t get the whole world to get naked for me.
LS: Zac Efron can do that?
SD: Idk I’m just randomly throwing out a random guy on my top 10 list. I’m in a caffeine induced rage right now. The point of which to get so restless with everything I’m currently doing to be blown to smithereens.
LS: TOP 10 Casey Kasem. Oh shit that’s the top 40 Lmao. RIP HUGH HEFNER, RIP TOM PETTY, RIP CHUCK WOOLERY.
SD: Whose the last one the game show host?
LS: Yep game show guy way old school shit 70’s.
SD: I forget who was doing the top 40 now it was someone I thought you would find amusing. It wasn’t Ryan Seacrest it was a former celeb more along the lines of Screech. Bob Barker is the last of the game show glory days era and I guess you can count Betty White too, I remember seeing her a lot of reruns of shit.
LS: I heard Ryan Seacrest is producing high end fetish porno. Screech does gay porn he’s the power bottom geek chic. God Bless Betty Fucking White!!
SD: He seems the type that would have a super hairy asshole riddled with dingleberries. Also on a completely unrelated note if you don’t hear from me in a timely manner I’m likely dead. I just had a pork roll sandwich stuffed with bacon and mayo.
LS: 1970’s hairy buttcrack bush. Lmfao that sounds absolutely delicious. I think female ejaculation is a bullshit reason to piss on someone. Squirt in the dirt really.
SD: Is that what Wifey tells ya?
LS: Own observations, people watching is a hobby of mine. Sociology always interested me and shitty shit shit.
SD: Is it me or is there seriously like another 100 emojis more overtime my phone updates?!
LS: Its not you its true. Emojis are trending harder than a priests cock during Sunday School, no emoji for that yet.
SD: I love people watching. But only wild people in their natural habitat like bars. In the wild I more enjoy watching wild animals.
LS: WTF is up with ball bag bleaching??! Bars are prime people watching spots for sure.
SD: I never heard of that. I’m surprised they don’t have carbon dioxide shots in your dick if you want it more pink and aryan. Kinda like how they inject beef with that whizz.
LS: 3rd Reich Erection. Ground Beef Injections?!
SD: I would get my anal bleaching, but no one has ever ate my ass and said you have a pitch black asshole or nothing.
LS: I heard saline solution administered to the scrotum for fetish purposes.
SD: That sounds like dick torture.
LS: Actual asshole racist! LMFAO! I heard of using snake poison extraction suction cups to enlarge nipples.
SD: Some guys have multi colored dicks. I heard of mayo for that, nipple enlargement.
LS: Great name! Knock Knock. Who’s there? DETECTIVE DICK TORTURE SUCKER.
SD: It was on love phones though and it was like dr. Ruth it was some bitch calling in.
LS: I seen multi colored dicks in porn over the years and what the fuck is up with that shit?!
SD: My sister and I used to listen to that to learn about sex cuz its not like we were taught much in school.
LS: Alopecia of the Penis???
SD: Idk this Italian kid was friends with it was like half brown and half albino LOL.
LS: School was “Don’t touch each others crotches or you’ll get pregnant and contract every STD known to man.” How does that combo work exactly? Brown Vs. Albino in the War of the Weiner?!
Sd: Idk I didn’t sample the products just seen at nude beach. I was very proud of my body and blood of CHrist with a penis and xmas tree earlier.
LS: LMFAO! Brilliant!
SD: I think I’m gonna make a Twitter that uses only emojis if I get so bored after my game time runs out.
LS: I’m going to save this shit and consider posting it tomorrow. Not a shabby idea with time run out.
SD: No problem with me. As long as I don’t have to eat them mango hoagies I’m fresh.
LS: WAWA of the Damned, Hell’s Hoagies, Satan’s Sandwich, Demonic Deli Delights, Night of the Living Dead WAWA, Texas Chainsaw WAWA!!!!
SD: I’m gonna make a hoagie with prune spread for my enemies. Accept I’m gonna forget to buy the prunes and just spread my baker chocolate shit on them.
LS: Shit Sandwich! Enemies EAT SHIT! Rectal Revenge! Anal Apocalypse! Sphincter Slaughterama! Reconstructed Asshole 8?! It is what it is.
SD: The All Anal shopping network specializing in dildoes, laxatives, and small rodents.
LS: So if your a cannibal being told to eat a dick isn’t a bad thing? ASN Channel 976.
END TEXT TRANSMISSION.
This post is indicative of f-yourblog switching its format. We are going to be ourselves without pulling punches, biting tongues, beating around the bush or sugar coating shit.
We are by nature Obscene, Insane, offensive, insulting, Brutally Honest, In your face and up your ass, but most of all We don’t care about rules, limitations, regulations or codes of conduct, We embrace Anarchy not Assholes.
Thanks for The Read and Hope You Have the Balls To Come back.
Les Sober