Month: April 2019

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (30/365)

“You see the Old Timer in the Tweet Hat with the Classic Wild West Mustache? Well He showed up first and went strait after the first Staff Member he Laid eyes on. That unfortunate Soul was the Hipster Vegan looking Guy with the fucking Clip Board.”reported the Stranger before indulging in another Long Sip of Fortified Wine.

“I’m calling that Old Dude Tweedy He reminds Me of Someone’s fucking Grandfather who also happened to an AlcoholicYou know He shows up at Family functions already half fucking lit. Then after a few additional Cocktails He’s off to the Races Ranting and Raving about anything and everything under the fucking Sun. Now You see the Two Old Biddies there flanking Tweedy? Those Two showed up 10 minutes into Tweedy’s Tirade about Crappy Customer Service, and the Death of The Service Industry as a Whole.” said The Stranger observingly as He leaned back on the Stool balancing precariously on the Verge of Falling flat on His ass.

        

“The Two Old Biddies are like Tweedy’s Calvary They just happened to be near by and decided to insert Themselves into the Scenario” continued the Stranger, ” They don’t have a point or argument of Their own like Sharks smelling Blood in the Water They heard the Chaos and Jumped on in. The Old Biddies are acting as Tweedy’s unoffical Cheer Leaders if You will back or agreeing with every word that comes out of His Mouth. I don’t think this is a money Issue I think its an Age Issue.”

“Age issue? What kind of Age issue is this then exactly I’m not sure I see what You’re saying.” Lee said with the Honesty of a Child.

      

“Yeah its an Age issue I’m telling You. Tweedy and His posse are actually Mad that They’re Old, and the World has Changed as Society Evolved. It’s gotten Overwhelming to Them at this point in Their Lives. They just want to vent Their frustration about Growing Old and to be Heard. People have a shitty habit of Generally ignoring Their Elders.” The Stranger said Sympathetically, ” Then when People do actual stop to talk to an Elder They talk to Them condescendingly like They’re a fucking 3 year Old. Its Revoltingly Disrespectful You ask me.They Show represents the Dawn of the New Day something Unknown and Scary to Them. Thus that makes the $3 a symbolic way of Reclaiming the Past Reclaiming Their Youth that They had Lost to Father Time.”

“Funny how I’ve often thought the same thing about how Our Society writes off the Elderly with total Disrespect. It’s a fucking Insult on so any Levels.” replied Lee as He found Himself feeling an acute Empathy for the Elderly all of a sudden.

       

“They Call Me Dizzy,” the Stranger said introducing Himself at last, “This Little Life Drama has about run its course, and They’re all just Jabbering away in Circles at this point. It’s a Classic fucking Stalemate so You want to get a Beer?”

Stay Tuned Kiddies for Tomorrow’s Breath Taking Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (31/365)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

My What a Shitty Little Restaurant You Have Here.

The Other Day My Mother Texted My Wife and I asking if We’d like to have Lunch at a New Little Marina Restaurant She’d found out about. You see there Several Marina/Campgrounds Out Our Way catering to the Outdoor People Crowd. If you want to Hike it, Bike It, Fish It, Hunt it, Sail It, Or Off Road with it You’d find it Heavenly.

Never being Ones to turn down a Free Meal We texted back Sure Thing. It only took about Half an Hour to get there which really isn’t so fucking Bad out Where We live (in the Middle of Absolutely No Where USA). Usually it takes a minimum of about 45 minutes to get  most Populated places around here, but the real Rule of thumb is if You Need or Want something it’s Generally an Hour away.

 

We pulled into the Campground and proceeded to drive down a long and rather winding White Gravel Makeshift Road pass Line after Line of Older Single Wide Mobile Homes. The Mobile Homes were Rented Out by the Campground as Cabins for Their Customers. While it’s true a Single Wide Trailer is ABSOLUTELY NOT A FUCKING CABIN ANYWHERE ELSE I’M AWARE OF, BUT HERE IT IS. We Drove on until the Road Dead Ended in a Tiny cramped Parking lot that could only accommodate 7-8 Cars tops.

We parked and hopped on out pausing a moment to took at the River Way for a Minute before heading Inside. It was Nothing Fancy that was for fucking sure, but I’m low as low maintenance can get so I was quite Entertained by it all. It’s Your Typical Garden Variety Marina Restaurant / Bait & Tackle Shop only it’s a Small Establishment with Limited Space to work with.

When You enter Your in the Dining Area with a Handful of Tables squeezed into one of the Building’s Corners. To Your left there was a long Non Descriptive Cashier’s Counter that had all kinds of Fishing Gear Like Hooks, Weights, Fillet Knifes, a expansive array of  Fishing Lures, Line, and signs Pertaining to the multiple kinds of Live Bait (Such as Crickets, Several Varieties of Worms and Feeder Fish) hanging on the wall behind it.

The Entire back Half of the Building housed the Bait & Tackle Store with all the usual fare like Baseball Hats, Bandanas, T-Shirts, Cheap Styrofoam Coolers, Beer/Soda Coozies, Fishing Poles, Tackle Boxes, Fishing Line, Boat Assorted Boat Supplies, a Variety of Pocket Knifes, Boots, Bug Spray, Bottle Openers, Camouflage Clothing of all Types, Ammunition, Gun Racks, American Flag Merch, Stupid Souvenir Shot Glasses, Cheesy Key Chains, and Everything else a Hunter, Fisher, Boater or Cookie Cutter Tourist would Need on any given Day.

        

So We took a Seat at One of the Tables and Started to pour over the Very Simple Menu (No Five Star Shit Here).  AT least Half the fucking Menu was basic Bar Food AKA Anything You can Drop into a fucking Fryer. There was one page of “Dinner Entrees” that gave off a Vibe to Avoid Them. The Waitress walked over like She a Night of The Living Dead Extra that didn’t make the Cut at Casting. There was no Hello or Smile about it She came over and asked Us our Drink Order in a Depressed Tone of Voice that seemed to say “Hey I’ve Given Up On Life.” before Shuffling off like She was Heavily Medicated with fucking Thorazine.

She took her sewer ass time getting back, and when She did She handed Us our Drinks which where just Bottles of Soda She had snagged from the Bait & Tackle Shop with No Glass or Straw option offered. The Disheveled Waitress with grey frizzy Hair thrown back into a haphazard Ponytail wearing the Faded Grateful Dead T-Shirt just sort of Stood at Our table  looking like fucking Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh and shit.

       

When The Lackluster Waitress finally spoke She asked for Our order. My Mother Bless Her fucking Soul has turned into one of those Little Old Ladies that ask so many fucking questions that People feel like They’re being Interrogated by a Ex-Member of Black Ops. So My Mother launches into her Version of 120 Questions inquiring about the Catfish Platter which she inevitably ended up Ordering, I had the Catfish Sandwich, and My Wife ordered the Country Fired Steak.

Now The Real Red fucking Flag here was during My Mother’s cross examination of the Sad Sack of a Waitress if the Catfish was indeed FRESH, and the Answer was Unequivocally NO. You see Out Here in the Woods by The Lake there is NO FUCKING LOGICAL REASON You can’t acquire and serve FRESH FUCKING CATFISH Especially if You Own and Operate A FUCKING MARINA ON THE FUCKING WATER. Danger be Damned My mother and I stuck to Our Original Order holding Our Ground.

   

For Such a Small establishment with only 3 fucking Customers in it at this Point and Time the food took fucking forever even though My Mother and I had Order Bar Food Fair (Fried Catfish Fillets and French Fries). Right as We were about to Riot the Waitress came creeping back like an Arthritic Tortoise with Our fucking Food. When She reached the Table She literally plopped the Food down unenthusiastically like serving Us was the fucking Bane of Her fucking Existence. She also failed to offer Us any Condiments, Drink Refills, or check if We needed anything Period.

She set My Food on the Table She announces that She actually fucked up a 1 of a 3 person Order by bringing out 2 Catfish Dinners when I Ordered the Catfish Sandwich. I got pissed at this point because the Dimwitted Waitress had picked up the fucking Order, Walked it Over, and set it Down AND THEN REALIZED She fucked up. I told her (on Principle here People) to fucking Fix it. A Couple minutes later the fucking Cook comes Out with the Food and heads over to Our table.

          

She then dumps this plate in front of Me like an insensitive asshole. I look down and damn near lost My shit. Apparently the Waitress and brought the food back where the Crappy Cook Took to of the Fillets from the Catfish Platter and placed them on a Plain Grocery Store Hamburger Bun and thats fucking it. No Mayo/Tartar Sauce, No tomato, No Pickle, No Lettuce not a fucking thing But this Generic Dry ass Hamburger Bun.

Before I could confront the Cook She leans past Me and gives Her the Other 2 Fillets from My incorrect Catfish Platter. Now I’m just fucking Dumbfounded the first thing I thought was I’m I being fucking Punished?! Why are they giving half my fucking food to My Mother instead of Me?!

        

They Simple DID NOT Give a single Rat’s Ass or Flying Fuck about Their Jobs, and Were constantly Battling Crippling and Chronic Depression. Suicidal Thoughts Abound.

The whole fucking Ordeal was so Bizarrely Surreal the Perfect way to sum this Sort up is This Quote: “When the Waitress left I didn’t know if I’d ever see Her again or if She was going to commit Suicide in the Restroom.”

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (29/365)

Lee stood up and stretched like a motherfucker. It been so damn long since His bathroom Break that just like on a long Road Trip Lee’s ass had gone numb. As Lee walked triumphantly out of the Theater with a Particular Kind of Pride at being the very fucking Last Person in the Audience by the End of the Show. It was like a Badge given out to People who’s God given Gift is being able to Survive Massive levels of bullshit without Breaking or Bailing.

When Lee reached the Lobby He walked right into a heated discussion between several of the Audience Members who had left the Show, and were still at the Theater arguing Tooth and fucking Nail with the Theater Manager. Of course They all were aggressively  demanding The Manager refund Their Money because the Show was complete shit.

       

Sitting on a Wobbly Old Stool behind the Vacant Concession Stand sat an Interesting looking Fellow who wasn’t actual involved in the Dispute, but apparently was getting a great kick of watching the Drama unfold with a Smile that was bordering on a Sarcastic Sneer splashed across His face.

Since the Show had been a Bust, and didn’t see the Point in fighting over a Few Bucks (the Tickets were $3) Lee figured  Why not stay and Watch too. At least He’d get some Real Entertainment instead of Pretentious, Lamenting Socially Objective, Over Indulgent Emo Artist Assholes plodding around the Stage thinking They’re all Provocative and Intellectually Deeply Symbolic Implements of Art. Lee strolled causally behind the concessions stand without a single person taking note all accept the Guy behind the Bar who watched Lee the entire way.

        

The Guy was wearing of Well Worn pair of Blue Jeans, Construction Boots that by Their Appearance were Older than Lee, and a Leather Biker’s Jacket adorned with a Collage of Patches and Pins. He had Long Dirty Blonde hair that hung half way down His back, and was sporting a AxCx (The Abbreviation used for the Band Anal Cunt) hat which Lee found very Cool. It was the Stranger’s Silencer T-Shirt that caught Lee’s Eye in particular because Silencer was an Obscure and Short Lived Experimental Black Metal Band Lee liked. This Rare T-shirt Earned Lee’s Initial Approval.

       

“This is fucking Beautiful Bud, This is the fucking Performance Art of Everyday Life. I’ve been here since the beginning and These People are gearing up to go to War over a piddly $3 Loss which is so not worth this Reality TV Show fucking Drama. I do have to admit though it’s one hell of a Show especially after that Buffett of Over the Top Exaggerated Bullshit.” said the Stranger in a matter of fact tone as if He was commenting on the Weather or some other banality.

“So what’s going on here exactly?” Lee asked inquisitively trying to get an Assessment of the Situation that was unfolding Before Him.

        

“Well the Dynamic here is this. As You can damn well tell the Theater Manager is the Angst Ridden Fellow with the Clip Board that looks like He’s about to have a Stress induced Aneurysm.” Said the Stranger who paused for a moment to take a Hearty Pull off a Pint of of Phil’s Fine Fortified Red Wine (that he had stashed in the Inner Breast Pocket of His Jacket) before continuing His tale.

Stay Tuned Kiddies for Tomorrow’s Insomnia Inducing Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (30/365)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Two Theoretical Perspectives

So Obviously We have a Foul Mouth, but We also have the Intelligent Mind to Back Up All Our average Absurdity. Since at Least Half of Us have a penchant for Sociology this seemed like the Logical way to Go. Enjoy.

     

One: The Functional Perspective- The Core of this Approach is to Identify conditions or Behaviors that Impede the fulfillment of Society’s Goals, that Interfere with the fluid Functioning of Society or that Throw Society into Disequilibrium. Social Problems either Fall Under the Category of SOCIAL DISORGANIZATION or DEVIANT BEHAVIOR.

PROBLEMS OF DEVIANT BEHAVIOR: Arise when Institutionalized Norms are Violated.

Assumptions of Functional Perspective:

  • Society has Collective Purpose
  • Social Problems are Objective
  • Consensus on Norms and Value

    

Two: Value-Conflict Perspective: At the Core of this Approach is the Belief that Value Judgements of Society Determine Whether something is a Social Problem. Different Groups with the most Power tend to have Their Values reflected in what is Deemed to be a Social Problem. Social Problems represent one of THREE Typologies. They include PHYSICAL, AMELIORATIVE, AND MORAL.

  • Physical Problem: A Condition that all People regard as a Threat to Their Welfare and Value Judgements can’t be said to cause the Condition Itself. Causation is Outside the Control of Man.
  • Ameliorative: Condition which People generally Agree is Undesirable, but for which They Can Not Agree on How to get Rid of It. This is a Man-Made Condition and Value Judgements prevent its Solution.
  • Moral Problem: Condition for Which there is NO Unanimity of Opinion that is Undesirable. There is NO Consensus in Values.

       

Assumptions of Value-Conflict Perspective:

  1. Social Problems are Subjective to Members of Society’s Values.
  2. Differences in Power Determine Recognition of Values.

Let’s Be Honest People are Utterly, Absolutely, Completely, and Totally Fucked Up 6 Days a Week and Twice on Sunday, BUT They are endlessly Fascinating.

Thanks for Reading,

  Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (28/365)

The Lights went out again as the Shell Shocked Performer was escorted off to seek Medical Attention no doubt, and for the Second Time the Poor Janitor had to come clean more Bodily Fluids off of the Stage in the Dark. During this Emergency Intermission Lee hear the stumbling sounds of yet more Members of the Audience had had Enough, and Stormed off to more than likely Demand a Refund.

By the time the Spot Light once again Illuminated the Tiny Theater Lee was extremely fucking happy that this was the Final fucking Act. For the Final Act an Obese Man who had to be pushing 400 and standing an unimpressive 5′ 2″ on a Good Day. He was wearing one of those humiliating Hospital Gowns with the fucking Ties in the back to keep the fucker closed.

        

Lee understood and could Fully Appreciate the Medical Reasons for Their Design, but still Lee considered Them to be more Insult to Injury than Medically Necessary. It was Indisputable that it was vital to the Patients well being to be Dressed in this mockery of a Gown as They call it in the Medical Community. Lee damn well knew it was so the Doctors can Grab whatever  Part of You that They need Access to (for Poking, Pounding, Prodding, Probing, or Puncturing) as Fast as Possible since in Medicine Time IS a Deciding Factor.

For Lee there were 3 questions about Hospital Gowns that had always lingered in Lee’s Mind. One was Why the hell couldn’t the fucking Material be made of something thicker or more substantial that the feeble glorified Toilet Paper?! The Doctors/Nurses aren’t ever going to fucking inject you Through the Gown regardless since doing so would contaminate the Needle.

      

Second Why the hell did the Ties have to be located at the fucking back which lets fucking face it is the most inconvenient spot to try and Tie so fucking thing. Why couldn’t the Ties be in Front or at least located on the Side anything would be better than on the fucking Back.

Three why the hell especially if They’re made out of Thin, Cheap, and Flimsy Material why the fuck does it have to be White AKA Almost fucking see through?! What the fuck do moronic Designs or what have You do, They don’t conceal shit very well if thats Their fucking Point.

Lee’s Fourth Question was why the hell couldn’t the Medical Gowns be fucking Longer. This thought always made Lee chuckle since there were so many Catholic High School Girls continuing the Ongoing Battle for Their Uniform Dresses being Shorter. Lee’s point was if shit goes down and the Doctors rush in to do Immediately Necessary Medical shit, and first would Open up the Gown. And since basically at that point They Medical Personnel have access to Your Fully Naked Body so why couldn’t They just be longer?! They weren’t fucking Cocktail Dresses for fuck’s sake.

       

Lee shook himself to Dispel the Daydream He was Diving into about Medical Gown Questions and Improvements. Once Lee’s faculties had righted themselves Lee saw That the Man in the Medical Gown had indeed unfastened the back of the gown, and it was now flying open. The Man had bent over at the waist and placed His hands on His Knees.

He then reached down to pick up a Small Lime Green Notebook that was laying in front of Him, and started to read aloud. It turned out He was reading Excerpts from “The Vagina Monologues” intermingled with Lyrical excerpts from various Songs by 2 Live Crew. The Man was reading the add mix of Literature and Lyrics with the Great Enthusiasm and An Unbridled Passion.

       

Lee looked around the Theater to see how many Audience members there in Fact were still remaining. Lee quickly counted 3 including Himself , but the Absence of a Viable Audience didn’t deter The Large Man on Stage in the least. The Man on Stage ended up reading for 45 minutes before standing upright, Closing the Note Book, and Staring strait into the Black Void of the Almost Empty Theater.

After 30 seconds or so the Man Lifted cast off His Hospital Gown, and Hoisted up His Belly to reveal a Monster Cock that was as thick as it was Long. He then lifted His Massive Member showing the Audience He was in Fact a Legit Eunuch, and where His Scrotum had been was a Intricately Detailed and quite Life like Tattoo of a Vagina. “I am The Recycled Sex a Homemade Hermaphrodite.” the Man proclaimed before walking off the Stage.

   

Lee now fully believed that Performance Art’s reputation for Weird Beyond the Fringe on The Fringe shit was Well Warranted, and that the Show He had just watched was all the Proof He needed. Accept for the Theremin Player Lee thought that Guy was fucking Awesome.

Stay Tuned Kiddies for Tomorrows Nail biting Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (29/365)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Happy Holidays errrrrr maybe not so happy???

Here’s a Lost Post From The Vault.

First off before I tear a bunch of people new assholes, I would like to extend a wish for everyone that reads this (and well those don’t too, I can’t really help if you have poor taste and haven’t read my blog yet) to have a very happy holiday season. Even if holidays are not your thing and you hate gatherings and you hate people and you hate egg nog and you hate presents and you hate jesus, please have a happy something. Even if it is your miserable death.

   

Now on to bigger and brighter things. Ahhhhh the spirit of the holidays. For me this means seeing a bunch of relatives which I like and dislike to varying degrees. I can handle this. Some years I hide. Some years I show up. Some years I show up and hide by the punch bowl. Blah blah blah. If there was no holiday I would live.

But this blog is not about me. I’m done serving up my life on a fuckin’ hot plate. This is about the flaws of others. If I wanted to see my own I would take my bike down by the lake and stare at myself in the deep dark waters until I thought I could see the bottom or until my blue eyes became one with the mucky goose shit.

       

Repentance?

Repentance can be simply defined as regret. We could throw big holy words like salvation, pennance, forgiveness from sin, rosary, holy holy polka, crucifix, and Tammy Faye Baker into it but I’m not in one of those moods. We shall stick we regret for this one but one thing before I vanquish goddish words.

I’d like to give a shout out to Jesus. Happy birthday. Although we don’t have much in common other then we both like growing beards and working with wood (oh wait that was your dad, oh wait wrong kind of wood) I would like to say Happy Birthday. I’m not quite a Christian but a lot of people really love you so you are okay with me.

Now back to the show……

       

There has been a disturbing trend going recently with people I know. Between oh about Halloween and Thanksgiving a lot of people I know got all fat and happy. Chocolate here, disappearance there, cranberry here, asshole there.

Well these unnamed people (no I’m not talking about anyone in my friends list or any of my friends for that matter, there are plenty of blogs to talk about you people) have decided to try and turn in their asshole card. Perhaps this is because they are good christians or atheists or jews or good people in general. No I really do not think so.

They are looking for handouts. They are looking for a cheap gift or a cheap lay or a cheap moment of zen for their past transgressions. I’ve seen it happen on more then one occasion this time of year. I have seen it on many.

     

The holiday most of us celebrate is Christmas people!!! It’s not confessional booth. It’s not lets make everyone rush to my good side so that I can get laid when the ball drops. Maybe that’s it. Maybe they want to get it hard in the confessional booth. I’m not really sure.

I just do not understand why people need to wait for an opportune time in order to stop being jackasses. Why do we need a holiday to be nice to someone? Why do we need specific days prescribed to us to give to others? All holidays have become corporate at least there is some religious backing to these. Well I don’t know about Kwanzaa much.

       

Point being. Don’t be bought for Christmas. Don’t be bought for New Years. You may go to bed with Rudolph and his red nose under the Christmas tree but you may wake up with Pinochio and his long, growing nose firmly planted inside your ass and growing. Nobody wants that kind of sex. Then Giapeto is gonna walk in and ask you to pay a dowry.

No no no.

When people stop being total douches could someone please send me a memo? Oh no wait you are sending me a text message with some bull about Santa. Happy Holidays!!!!!!

  By SpaceDog

Centrist

I am not a fuckin’ savior. I peel away at people like onions. We all do. Some of us are the peeled and we cry. Some of us are the instruments that scalp. Away. Away. Away.

We peel away the layers.

We peel away the sunshine.

We prefer it this way. Peeling away until there is nothing but barren terrain. Nakedness of the soul.

I see that barren flesh. I run. I hide. I capture but I do not seize. I growl at myself. I cannot kill the already dead. I cannot usurp what is already fallen at my feet. I plot. I ponder. I smile, I beckon them forth.

       

Centralist

I have always stood in between time and reality. I have always liked my part in this pathway towards truth, towards honesty, towards good.

I have always hated my lack of proofreading, my lack of utter care over things that most writers would throw hissy-fits about. Is this proper grammar? Am I spelled this write? Yes I know right.

I play dumb for the prey to think I am as such. It is not a very nice thing to do, but do it I shall. It was how the wolves conditioned me. Maybe I’m still just a wolf.

        

Most likely though, I fall in between. I am a centralist or centrist. I care not to look up spellings in dictionary.com. Usually words flow in my head that don’t make sense. Nine out of ten times, they are real words and I do a little spellcheck and poof they become what they were intended to be. Microcosms of my head spewed out to the masses herky-jerkedly like a disenfranchised orgasm at a self-righteous porno store.

Yes. yes. YES. !!! I would think if I had a bigger ego, that yes I am the fuckin’ Dr. Phil of the next generation. I have been in the middle of many things. I somehow italicized my shit and have no clue how. I havent been in the middle of any bi relationships but if I could have would have just so I could enlighten you all further. But that is not the point of this blog. The point is this………………………………………

        

There comes a time…….. when we as people need something more. I need more. I hear my friends call me after many a beer and I hear my friends after many a sober evening. I do not hear stability call. I hear everything but.

I write and write and write some more. There is no sense to the melody. There is no reason to the rhyme. Perhpas if I could hear the music. I could tell the tale better. But I have equal melodies of those captured by the waves of the substances and I hear equal melodies of those not captured by such.

What road should I travel? What road will hurt me less? I care not. I care to live.

  By SpaceDog

Internet Challenges For The Asinine to The Insane

Let’s fucking face it Internet Challenges are absolutely Stupid. Back in My younger days we did dumb shit, but it was Vandalizing shit with Spray Paint, Smoking a little Pot, Drinking a few Underage Beers, or some outlandish SkateBoard Trick Stunt.

We didn’t sit in front of a screen filming Ourselves Eating fucking Tide Pods, Dousing Ourselves in Flammable Fluid, Jumping out of Moving Cars to Dance next to Them, or any of the moronic shit that Kids are doing these days to Go Viral (the Overnight Ticket to Fame and Fortune that requires No Actual Work, Effort, Intelligence or Skill to Accomplish. Just act like an Idiot and get other Idiots to watch that’s all there is to it.

        

Internet Challenges are Providing the Path to the De-evolution of the Human fucking Race. These Challenges aren’t just ridiculously Dumb they are in reality making Your Children DUMBER by the Day. If a  Teen is watching these Viral YouTurd Videos, and decides to participate in one (with No  Sense of Self Preservation or Personal Safety) than Your Child has Officially become a Social Media Lemming. Congratulations Kill Yourself.

So After reading about Viral Videos of Internet Challenges and all the Assholes and Idiots who blindly follow this insanely Ignorant Trend wrote some of My Own Sarcastically out of growing Frustration. Society is Sliding Headlong into the Shitter.

       

WARNING:  IF YOUR NOT READING THIS THEN ITS DEFINITELY WRITTEN FOR YOU!!!

DO NOT TRY OR ATTEMPT TO RECREATE ANY OF THE FOLLOWING FAKE CHALLENGES!!!

       

YOU WILL GET HURT!!!

YOU COULD END UP PERMANENTLY DISABLED/DISFIGURED!!!

YOU COULD FUCKING DIE!!!

       

AND SINCE THE PEOPLE WHO TAKE THESE CHALLENGES DISREGARD THEIR OWN SAFETY TO BEGIN WITH AT LEAST CONSIDER THIS BEFORE DOING OR TRYING ANYTHING:

IT WON’T GO VIRAL, NONE OF THESE ARE REAL CHALLENGES, YOU WILL NOT GET CREDIT, ACKNOWLEDGEMENT, OR ATTENTION. YOU WILL JUST FUCK YOURSELF OVER.

AGAIN FOR THOSE NOT PAYING ATTENTION WHEN THEY DAMN WELL SHOULD, DO NOT TRY OR ATTEMPT ANY OF THIS DANGEROUS/DEADLY FAKE CHALLENGE BULLSHIT POSTED HERE.

THE POINT IS SHIT LIKE INTERNET CHALLENGES ARE DANGEROUS AND FUCKING DUMB, JUST DON’T TRY ANY PERIOD.

       

Internet Challenges for The Asinine to The Insane:

The Vlad Challenge: Named after Vlad The Impaler. Get a 9′-12′ (foot ) Large Wooden Pole with a Circumference of 10″-12″(Inches). Then fashion on end of Pole into a Sharp Point. Now have Several of Your good Friends grab the Blunt end of the Pole. Position the Point directly at the center of asshole. Have Friends ram Pole as far as They can up Your ass. Once that is done have Your Friends Hoist You up into a 90 degree angle while securing the base of the Pole in a Freshly dug Post Hole. Once everything is done and in place have Your Friends Take and Circulate (on Social Media) a Photo with the Hashtag #Dracula.

The Shitway Sandwich Challenge: Get a Foot Long Sandwich Bun. Slice and hold Open. Place a 12 Inch Turd on/in Sandwich Roll. See How Much You can Eat before realizing Your Eating a SHIT SANDWICH!        

Boozy Butt Chug Challenge: Get 1 Beer Funnel, 1 750ml Bottle of the Liquor of Your choice, and Lube which is Optional. Assume Your Butt Chug stance and insert End of Funnel into Rectum. Slowly Pour Liquor into Funnel. Extremest Credit for “Making It a Double” which is Butt Chugging Two 750ml Liquor Bottles worth of Alcohol with Your Ass.

The Golden Shower Challenge: Locate Someone. Pee on Them. Bonus Points for Peeing Beginning to End.

The Fisting Your FartBox Challenge: Get a Your choice of Lube. Make a Fist. Heavily Coat Fist and Forearm down to the Elbow. Insert Fist into Your own Ass. Double Points for Double Fisting.  Extremely Credit for preforming Said Challenge Dry (Lose The Lube).

        

I Eat Cock Challenge: Buy a Dildo and decorate by glueing Chicken Feathers, Fake Feet, Beak, Googly Eye, and Cock’s Comb (The fleshing strip of skin on a Rooster’s Head) to the Dildo. Now Eat from Tip to Testis (Testicles)  or as Much as You possibly can. WARNING EATING A DILDO DRESSED AS A ROOSTER PRESENTS A VERY SERIOUS AND REAL GAGGING ISSUE.

The Thumbtack Challenge: Acquire Standard Size Trampoline and Cover with Thumb Tacks until You can’t see the top of the Trampoline. Bounce on Trampoline for 15 minutes non stop. Count Number of Thumbtacks You pull Out of Your Body. Video with Highest Number Wins!

The 101 Challenge: This one is Simple. Film Yourself punching Yourself as Hard as You can in the Crotch 101 times. This Challenge is applicable to BOTH Men & Women. Don’t want to be Sexist.

       

The MUNG Challenge: This one Takes BALLS and is only for the most HARDCORE Challenge Taker. At Midnight go to Grave Yard with Shovel, a Pocket Knife, and a Friend. Dig Up a Corpse thats at Least 6 months to a Year Old.  Place Your mouth over the Corpse’s Mouth (You may have to cut some Stitching holding the Corpses’s Mouth Shut) like Your performing CPR. Now have Friend back up from the Bodie about 20-25 yards or so. Next have Your Friends run as fast as They can towards the Corpse, and then once They have reached it Jump directly onto its Abdomen. Eat/Swallow/Ingest the Contents that are expelled from the Corpse’s Mouth. Then Say “MMM Tastes like Chicken!”

        

The Purple Nurple Zoo Challenge: Go to Nearest Zoo. Select Animal and enter its Enclosure. Once inside locate said Animal give it a Two Handed Purple Nurple. More Points the Bigger and More Dangerous the Animal.

The Fire Crotch Challenge: Using any method You like entirely Shave You Genitals using ONLY FIRE. You can use a Lighter, Match, Blowtorch, Hovering over a Camp Fire whatever works.

The CooCoo’s Nest Challenge: Get Yourself committed to a Mental Institution for the Criminally Insane (WITHOUT HURTING ANYONE OR YOURSELF IN ANY WAY & WITHOUT BREAKING THE LAW!), and then Get Yourself Released by being Certified “Sane”.

        

Don’t Drop The Soap Challenge: Get Arrested for either Public Drunkenness, Public Urination, or Disturbing the Peace (NOTHING VIOLENT & NO FELONIES BOTH ARE GROUNDS FOR DISQUALIFICATION) Then go take a Shower in the Jail’s Communal Shower. Once there are at least 3-5 Other inmates in the Shower with You drop the Soap, and Bend Over to pick It Up. Whoever avoids being Raped Wins.

Montezuma’s Revenge Challenge: Get The Hottest Hot Sauce You can Find Legally. Buy Enema Kit. Go Home and Load Enema with HotSauce and Administer. Points Graded upon Hot Sauce’s Scoville Scale  (used to Gauge Potency of Peppers based on concentration of Capsaicin)

The Cheek to Cheek Challenge: Twerk with a Willing Person’s Face planted firmly between Your Ass Cheeks. The Longest Twerk Routine Wins. Extra Points if You Leave Skid Marks on The Persons Face.

       

Brushing Your Teeth Challenge: Use Any and All Abrasive Item(s) to Brush Your Teeth like a Wire Brush, Grill Scraper, Flat Cheese Grater, Belt Sander etc. Additional Score for Flossing the Same Way say with Piano Wire, Razor Wire, Barbed Wire, Piece of a Shredded Beer Can etc. THE BLOODIER THE BETTER.

The Bear Hug Challenge: Buy 15-20 Steaks from Grocery Store, 15-20 Carabiners, and a Length of Chain long enough to fashion a large necklace style Loop (Think Flavor Flav). Next stick a a Steak onto each Carabiner and then attached Carabiner to Chain Necklace. Go Out into the Wild (NO CHEATING BY GOING TO ZOO OR CIRCUS) and find the Biggest Bear You can. Once You have Spotted the Bear run up to it and give it the Biggest Bear Hug You Can. Whoever of those who don’t DIE the winner will be decided based on the number of remaining Steaks attached to the Participants Chain Necklace.

        

The Guiser Challenge: First find an actual functioning Guiser. Then sit down on top of said Guiser, and wait for it to Erupt. When it Erupts as You going flying 100’s of feet through the Air Say “I Can See My House From Here!” Grand Champion Crown for Anyone who pulls this Challenge off using Old Faithful.

The Toxic Shock Challenge: Buy a Box of Assorted Tampons(Women AND MEN again No Sexism Here all Punters can Play). Select the Heavy Flow Tampons from the Pack. Insert Tampon in Vagina or Ass if You’re a Man then Add One (without removing any previously inserted Tampons) each following Day for a Month. If You can without getting Sick You Win.

Roadkill Tartare Challenge: Find a FRESH piece of Roadkill Animal Carcass of Your Choice. Cut a Big Enough Piece to Be fashioned into a Large Hamburger Patty. Go Home, form Roadkill Meat into Burger (best way is to Grind It or just take it for a spin in the Blender), and Film Yourself Eating It. Whoever has the HIGHEST PARASITE COUNT AT THE END OF THE CHALLENGE IS THE CHAMP.

        

So thats all I have for Now, but You’ll more than likely see Another Similar Post with more STUPID FUCKING SOCIAL MEDIA STUNTS VERY SOON.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (27/365)

The Performer Guy  held the Christ like Pose for a few seconds before breaking into a full blown Gregorian Chant. Lee found it admirable that the Performer knew Latin since who the fuck spoke Latin as it had already been  declared a Dead Language?! Once the Performer was finished singing He placed the Hammer down laying along the 2 by 4 with a Bizarre Ritualistic sense of Reverence.

Next the Guy retrieved an Old Beaten Up Bible, and a Rickety Music Stand from behind the wings. He opened the Bible to a Pre Marked Page, and started to Read the part of the Bible about The Last Supper  in a Booming (almost Sing Song like) Baritone. Just as Lee was entertaining the idea of a second Bathroom break things started to pick up.

        

The Preformer started to speak Faster, and Faster like an Auctioneer on Crack Bender as His words began to Blur together Indecipherably. As He was reading at this point the Performer reached down and extended the bottom part of His Foreskin. He then held the section of His Foreskin in place using the insanely sharp looking Tip of the Massive Looking Nail.

Suddenly the Performer screamed out “THE BODY OF CHRIST!!!” like His fucking Life depended on it. This Snapped the Meager Audience back to Reality. As soon as He finished the word Christ the Performer picked up the 5 pound Hand Held Sledgehammer in His right Hand, Raised it High over His head, and then He brought it down (with all the might He could Muster) onto the Head of the Nail in one swift Blow. The Hammer struck the Nail with the loud Metallic Twang of Metal meeting Metal head on. The Nail Plunged almost all the way through the fucking 2 by 4 .

        

It was then that 3 of the 11 Audience Members present got up and left looking repulsed and pissed at the same time. Lee figured this Performance was like the others designed as an over the top Circus of Shock and Awe. And Lee would be damned if He was going to be the so called first on to flinch. This was an Abrasive Performance Art Showdown, and Lee was about to fucking loose.

The Performer returned to Reading about the Last Super from the Old Beaten Up Bible. This time His speech sped up much faster than the last time around, and Lee figured thats the way it is when you just impaled your Penis in front of a fucking Live Audience. As the Performer was building up Steam a Stage Hand in a Slayer T-shirt not so subtly snuck out and handed the Performer a Regular Standard Household Hammer.

        

This time the Performer Screamed Out “THE BLOOD OF CHRIST!” before taking the Claw of the New Hammer, and Violently Pried  the Nail out of the Board and His Foreskin. As soon as the Nail exited His Flesh a fucking torrent of blood came gushing forth like somehow His dick had been transformed into a fucking Fire Hose it was truly unreal.

The Performer jumped back from the 2 by 4, and took His fucked up Foreskin and tried to pull it over the head of His cock. This looked to Lee like  a strange attempt to stop the Profuse Amount Bleeding by turning His cock into an impromptu Water Ballon of sorts. Maybe the first thing the Performer (being uncircumcised) though of when looked down at His Bloody Bellend the first thing that popped into His head was Sausage. And thusly He was trying to use His Foreskin to create a kind of Casing if You will. Aside from the Odd Reasoning behind the Weiner wrapping idea it also was failing to work as copious amounts of Blood was being Splattered all over the fucking Stage at this point.

        

Stay Tuned Kiddies for the Next Stellar Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (28/365)

Thanks for Reading,

   By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (26/365)

As it turned out The Dueling Ted Nugents clashing in a Inflatable Kiddie Pool filled with Spam turned out to be quite Anticlimactic. As instead of flat out Brawling the Two Teds were having a choreographed Fight which looked to be a Hybrid of Professional Wrestling and Kung Fu. To make it suck even worse They were fighting in a Slow Motion Matrix Style Rip Off.

Lee couldn’t tolerate the Slow Motion Slaughterfest in Spam a moment longer so He opted to take a leak. Lee descended the Stair case back into the Dismal Lobby where He searched for the Restroom Door. Lee located it at last over on the Far Wall past the crappy Concession Stand.

        

Once Lee reached the Restroom Door He pushed it open only to discover it didn’t lead to an actual Bathroom, But to the Cramped Trash Packed Ally  next to the Theater. Lee figured when in Rome (or an Ally in Rome in this Case), and walked over to the nearest Dumpster. Lee was being extremely cautious no to step on any of the Garbage that was strewn about the Ally. The last fucking thing Lee needed was to catch Hepatitis or Herpies in addition to witnessing this ridiculous Performance Art absurdity.

Lee went back into the Theater and returned to His seat. Once seated Lee noticed the Two Teds had vacated the Stage, and the Next Act was now on Stage. Thank fuck thought Lee taking a piss had been the perfect way to avoid anymore Spam induced Shit. On Stage there was a Man who looked to be in His fifties suffering from a classic case of Male Pattern Baldness leaving His remaining hair looking like a Common Clown Wig.

        

He was Shirtless and Lee was truly dumbfounded by how much fucking Body Hair this Guy had. There was so much hair that it looked to Lee like this Guy had missed a step or two in the Evolutionary Process. Serious Lee thought this Guy must be the Subject of a ton of Bigfoot Sightings, and the Unknowing Star of hundreds of Sensational Bigfoot Captured on Film Videos. Lee figured that a real live Specimen of a Bigfoot is essentially a Cryptozoologist’s Wet Dream come True.

The Man who too Lee’s disappointment was wearing a pair of Kaki Slacks instead of say Shorts or possibly a swim suit who fucking knew in a Venue like this One Lee found Himself in currently. The Man on Stage also had on a Pair of Black Dress Shoes so Lee couldn’t see how Big win fact this dudes feet were, and couldn’t help wondering if the Black Shoes were intentional to hide perhaps this Guys Big Feet?!

      

The an went over to the Side of the Stage to retrieve a couple of Saw Horses, a 2 by 4, a 5 pound Hand Held Sledge Hammer, and a Nail that honestly could have been a fucking Railroad Tie. The Man set up the Saw Horses about 4 feet apart and then He places the 2 by 4 across them like a Balance Beam. The Man then took the Nail and Put it in His mouth Sideways Biting  Down on it Gingerly. He perched the Hammer balancing it precariously at the far right end of the 2 by 4.

Once the Performer Guy had his Set Up as situated He nonchalantly took His pants off folding them delicately before placing them at His feet. Again to Lee’s dismay The Guy managed to remove His pants OVER his Shoes depriving Lee of yet another curious glance at the size of His feet.

        

The Man then pulled His Boxer Shorts down to His ankles in one fluid motion, Stood Up, Plopped His Flaccid Penis onto the 2 by 4 in front of Him, Took the Nail out of His Mouth with His left Hand, Picked up the Hammer with the Right, and the Blurted out “I GIVE YOU…THE CIRCUMCISION OF CHRIST.” before holding up both the Hammer and Nail in outstretched Arms in a Crucifix Pose.

Stay Tuned Kiddies for Tomorrows Harrowing Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (27/365)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober