Month: April 2019

Chances

My phone rang one desolate, dank, and cold evening.

She asked for Carlos.

I told her she had the wrong number.

She called back.

She called back a third time.

   

My jack and coke told me that I was bored.

So we talked.

For thirty minutes.

A strange girl and myself.

I don’t talk to strange women.

Women have cooties.

       

So we went on a date. It was rather bizarre. A date with a woman. We met. She was a pretty girl, but I think I was just being nice when I told her this. She liked pixie sticks and newports. I had both of these in my pocket at the time as well. We hit it off somewhat. We saw a movie. Then sanity kicked in and I  never saw her again.

This was the ultimate chance meeting. I wanted to say I went out with my wrong number girl. If I was bi, I would have gotten in her pants so I could say I have sex with people that dial the wrong number. But I had already pilfered my friends phone line one day and made dates with six different guys who were actually calling him. My phone booth whore days have long since vanished.

       

GOOD VS. EVIL

Some chances we take have results not always visible to the naked eye. We take a chance on lending a friend money. Let say $500. That person promises to pay us back but everytime we ask them for our money the subject is changed. We hear about their abusive boyfriend, we hear about how expensive gas is, we hear about their drunken sister.

Then we suddenly remember this person is single. Then we remember gas is like a buck fifty a gallon. Then we recall they don’t have a sister.

So we stop asking.

         

We try not to harm the friendship in this person’s mind even though they might be harming it in ours but not making any attempts to pay us back. They don’t seem to have much of a consciousness or a soul when it comes to these things. Then you think for a second that you are being too harsh. Then you find out another friend of yours lent this person money and never saw a dime of it either.

Several weeks pass by. You have a few drinks at your friend’s house and fall asleep on the couch. In the morning you part ways and find your wallet to be short a few bills. You go home. You wonder what to say. Whether to say anything. What you say is ignored. So you keep silent.

     

Then we go off into the night.

Then we try and forget this person existed.

We hear rumors about their plight.

We hear sordid fairy tales, most likely a melody of facts and fables, everywhere we turn.

We wonder what went wrong, why we took such a chance on them.

Why couldn’t he have been honest? Why can’t we tell the truth and be honest for once?

 

BLACKMAIL

I like the way you look at me.

I like the way you brush your hair.

I think your eyes are a glimpse into heaven.

I know you had sex in your car last night. I am going to rat your ass out.

 Yup sometimes we are lucky little ones and aren’t always the ones with our hand caught in the cookie jar. We catch other people’s hands in the cookie jar quite often too. I was involved in one of these situations before. Well shit I seem to have been involved in many of these situations, who am i kidding?.

Sometimes all we have to do is shut up and listen. You can hear drama from quite a distance.

        

All of the thoughts in my head told me to go for the money. Extort! Extort! Extortitionaaayyyy! I need a vacation I thought to myself. I chose to have a conscience. I laughed about it with the dude, who was the “other woman”. The months worth of laughter provided much more valuable than any payment plans.Chance provided a good chuckle.

CONCLUSIONAIRE

We all take chances. Sometimes they take us.

We have the power in ourselves to determine the final outcome.

Time may have had its way with you.

Time may be your best friend.

        

But when the time comes to make your mark.

Will you actually take that chance you have been dying to take your whole life?

Or will you let time have its way with you and regret those leaps of faith?

Those chances you can’t take back.

Those choices that beckon forth your reaper. 

I simply call him Dismay.

  By SpaceDog

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (19/365)

Lee waited till He heard the solid plunk of the Dart lodging in the Dry Wall before opening His Eyes. Lee slowly crept towards the Post It that Destiny had guided the Dart to in an almost Ritualistic manner.  When Lee was face to face with the Wall He plucked the Post It off and read His Fate. The Post It had the words Gas Station Attendant. Huh Lee though to Himself this was indeed an intriguing new Venture.

Lee found the idea of working as a Gas Station Attendant on several different Levels. There was that on the Historical Level Gas Stations and America’s Golden Age of Car Manufacturing when The Road was King went hand in hand. Gas Station Attendants played a much bigger role back in the Old Days where They wouldn’t just refuel Your Vehicle.

They would also wash the front and rear windshields, and if You wanted check Your Oil and other small routine Maintenance  like Putting Air in Your Tire. This fostered a relationship based on reliance where both the Customer and The Attendant shared a mutual respect for one Another.

                  

Now a Days the Attendant and Customer interact as little as Possible while trying to virtually ignore one another. Lee couldn’t help but think that the 1980’s had facilitated the Beginning of the End for the Gas Station Attendant Job. The pivotal point Lee was trying to pinpoint in His mind was when Gas Stations went from Full Service to just Some Guy Pumping Gas.

On a Secondary Historical Level Pumping Gas is/was an Iconic Piece of Americana when it came to Teenagers. Countless Hordes of High Schoolers throughout the Decades have Manned the Pumps be it either as a Summer Job or as a First (Part Time) Job. It was almost a fucking right of Passage type scenario Some would Say (especially if They grew up in the 1960’s to Mid 1990’s)

Lee also held the belief that this very well could actually be His Last Chance to Work a Job Pumping Gas before the Job Itself unfortunately, but inevitable transitioned from Decline to Extinction. The way Lee saw it with More and More Companies Utilizing Technology as well as Mass Incorporation of Robots some Jobs like certain Species would one day soon be completely Non Existent.

          

Some examples where The Post Office which was Doomed to Death the Day E-Mail hit the Mainstream. Robots replaced Auto Mechanics on the Assembly Lines at the Big American Auto Plants causing Mass and Widespread Layoffs as the actual number of Human Employees dwindled to just a handful. Traffic Camera’s are currently killing off the Mass Majority of Toll Booth Attendants who’s last salvation Lies in Large Cities with Multiple Forms of Public Transportation like Subways for Example.

The so-called Big Box Store Giants like Walmart and Home Depot have already been cutting Cashier Jobs using Self Check Outs. In fact the Number of Self Checkouts is on a steady and consistent rise. It’s gotten to the point that some Major Companies like Apple are looking to Fully Automate Their Stores thus requiring NO HIRING OF HUMANS.

        

Lee chuckled to Himself since the Idea of the Condescending assholes over at the Apple Genius Bar being out of a Job due to the Technology of the Company they serve so fucking Proudly puts Them out of Their Asses jobless. to be utterly Hilarious.

Stay Tuned Kiddies for Tomorrow’s Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (20/365)

Thanks for Reading,

 By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (18/365)

Lee awake around 7:00am and remembered He needed to get a New Job. SO Lee started His morning routine starting with a Lengthy Shower. After His shower Lee headed downstairs, turned on the Coffee Maker, Packed His Bong, and sat down with the Want Ads.

Lee wasn’t too concerned about the prospect of landing a new job as Lee had done His homework. You see with Lee’s Personal People Watching Employment Plan He had to keep one Eye on the immediate future since He only allowed 90 days per Job. So Lee had gotten in the habit of par-oozing the Want Ads on a Daily Basis to see what was currently available, and might be a Future Employment Prospect (aka a Job He’s get a kick out of having).

        

Some of the Jobs Lee had scouted Possible Prospects especially in the last couple of weeks which had yielded a Plethora of Potential. Some such Jobs were for example A Trailer Park Supervisor, A Parking Lot Attendant, and Rest Stop Night Time Security Guard. he had also contemplated working at An Exotic Pet Shop, Cigar Shop, Tattoo Parlor, Brewery, and perhaps in a Pawn Shop too.

Lee took some time to mull things over in His mind as He drank His Coffee while intermittently Hitting His Bong. When all was said and done Lee who had always been bad at making designs was No Closer to His answer than He had before. Since Lee found Himself in this hapless situation decided to copout, and use the Shitty Cliche Romcom meets Dipshit Disney Method.

       

Feeling like a suckass Sellout Lee wrote out His options on Post It Notes, and then stuck them in no particular order to the wall of His Living Room. Lee made all His Life decisions in His Living Room. Lee thought it appropriate considering the Historical Rebranding of the Living Room.

To keep it simple the History of the Living Room is as follows in a condensed version. Originally what are now Living Rooms were called Parlors as in Funeral Parlor. Times and Society changed when Undertakers Opened Mortuaries, and the Science of Embalming was Discovered. Thus Families didn’t have to Display Their dead Family Members in the From Room of Their House for Several Days before Burial (basically at Home Wake that lasted typically 3 Days).

       

It was at this time in History that The Parlor which was associated with Sorrow and Death was simply and brilliantly renamed The Living Room. The reason is simple the Room Associated with Dying would now be the exact opposite a Room for Living. Thats why Lee thought it just made sense to make major Life Decision and the like in His Living Room.

Lee had all the Post Its up on the wall at last. He then Took a Huge Hit from The Bong, Closed His Eyes, and Exhaled Slowly He threw the Dart to decide the Next Step in His Destiny.

      

Stay Tuned Kiddies for Tomorrows Thrilling Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (19/365)

Thank for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (17/365)

Goddamnit! Lee thought not because He was moments away from being seriously fucking Fired by a Furious Fran or anything like that. Lee was annoyed because Fran was going interfere with Him getting to see the Conclusion of the Parking Lot Lunacy.

“LEE WHAT THE HOLY FUCK IS GOING ON?! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS WHAT THE FUCK AM I LOOKING AT?!!” Screamed Fran like a goddamn Airhorn. It wasn’t so much because He was infuriated, but mainly to be heard over the Sea of Sound in the Parking Lot.

      

“What the Hell Fran this shit is some act of God shit I didn’t fucking plan for this shit to happen for fuck’s sake.” said Lee indignantly even though He knew His firing would play out this way. Lee knew He would be unfairly held accountable for the insane shit that was far beyond His control in the first fucking place, but He’d be damned if He didn’t Go Out Swinging.

“How did you let this happen, and why did you let it get totally out of fucking control?” Demanded Fran who’s Blood Pressure was so high His face was flushed making Him look like He had a fucking 3rd degree Sunburn.

          

“They just showed up and jumped the shit out of Me. I was concerned that perhaps the Little Old Lady at the Door was perhaps a tad senile and might be lost. I unlocked the Door to see if She need assistance, and Her Anti-Porn Posse shoved Their way in. Next fucking thing I know Their fucking rioting and wrecking the Joint.”Lee replied matter of factly as He stood His ground.

“Well goes without saying that as of this moment You’re fucking Fired. Give Me Your Key.”said Fran through clenched Teeth now on the verge of having a Full Blown Stroke.

        

Lee figured fuck it there wasn’t any point in arguing since He didn’t actually give a shit about the Job, and has thoroughly enjoyed the Events of the Day. Lee took the Shop Key off His Keyring and tossed it lamely in Frans direction before getting in His Car. As Lee drove off (down Route 22 to the Prospects of a Better Job to come) He shot a quick glance in His review mirror to get a final look at the Spectacular Sex Shop Showdown, and Smiled with Satisfaction.

Stay Tuned Kids for Tomorrows Enticing Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (18/365)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

The 3 Tiers of The Flea Market

Over the last few Months I (along with My Wife and a Few Select Friends of f-yourblog) have been hitting up the Local Weekend Flea Market. The Weekend part is due to the fact that this particular Flea Market is only Open Saturday & Sunday. Also when I say Local I mean an Hour long Drive Away from Our Home Office in the Sticks.

During Our time Scouring The Flea Market for Cool Shit that We like or Appealed to Us We learned the Lay of the Land, Scored some really Good Deals, picked up some kick ass Cool Pieces, got to Know Our favorite Vendors, and started to build a more Personal Relationship with Them.

We observed that the Quality (and Coolness of the various Merchandise) along with the People Selling it relied on a very simple Geographical Geometry. It consisted of Three Principle Parts or Territories as I prefer to refer to it as.

     

At the Center of the Flea Market is the Big Building or Heart if You will because like a Heart without it the Entire System Dies. Next as You work Your way Outward from The Big Building You find The Vendors of the Cement Circle that Surrounds the Encompassing the Entire Exterior Perimeter of the Big Building.

And Lastly there is the Sketchy Outer Circle frequented by “Vendors”that I have dubbed The Gravel People. Their feeble Circle separates the very Fringe of the Flea Market from The Dirt Parking Lot (that at one point was Gravel but obviously there hasn’t been any attempt at upkeep since it was installed).

Don’t worry Dear Reader I will elaborate further on the Three Tiers in Detail as I describe The Who’s & What’s of the Three Very Different Tiers of said Flea Market. I know right know it may seem rather confusing if You haven’t either been there or at least seen Pictures. Well Lets get started in that case.

      

The Big Building is a rather interesting structure. There is a Main Hallway that runs around half a mile from one end to the other. Along this long corridor are intersecting Hallways that are Alphabetically Labeled, and designated with a Directions such as C North. To Me it would look like a set of Cartoon Stitches if You could get an Arial Photo of it, please feel free to refer to the Diagram (Diagram: +++++).

The only Downside outside of Restrooms that make the Restrooms at Bus Stations look Sterile is the Building Lacks Heating and Air Conditioning. Needless to say Spring and Fall are the Prime Seasons due to Their temperate climate and Milder Weather. I have personally gone in July, and holy shit I can’t even describe how God Awful Hot it was. Within 5 minutes of Entering the Building I was Sweating like I was on an African Safari and shit.

      

The Stalls that line the Walls of the Big Building Aesthetic is reminiscent of Third World Markets. It all starts with the fact the Big Building is in all actuality a Massive Prefabricated Structure comprised of a Wood Frame and Corrugated Metal Siding. It gives it the feel as if You’re wandering around in some Giant Garden Shed Display Model and shit. The Booths are Open in the Front located between Two Make Shift Walls slapped together with random Pieces of Ply Wood in a Clapboard Architecture Style.

There are some more Grandiose Vendors Who have build Faux Store Fronts complete with Plexiglass Windows, Exterior Doors, and Wood Frame with Painted Ply Wood walls. And they’re all types of Businesses You can Find Besides the Usual Vender Peddling a Schmorgesborg of Assorted Wares such as Lamps, Glassware, Antique Furniture, Vintage Video Games/Toys, Clothes etc.

       

Some of the Exceptions are an Exotic Animal Vendor, A Krantom Dealer, a Palm Reader, Knife/Sword Dealer, a Crappy Dairy Queen Knock Off, Hemp Product Hawker, Computer Repairs, a T-Shirt Screener, a Head Shop, an exclusively Hot Sauce Salesman, a Boiled Peanut Vendor, A Leather Dealer, A Pair of Old Men that Sell Pet Fish, an Ice Cream Joint and a Couple of Christian Ministries holding Court and general talking about God/Bible/Jesus.

The Vendors that Operate in the Big Building are the most Personable as well as Knowledgeable (Perspectively) when it comes to Their Merchandise. They also have the Vast Majority of Quality and Interesting Pieces. The Inside Vendors are by far more Friendly, Welcoming, and Engaging than Their Counterparts that occupy the Subsequent Additional Two Outer Circles. These Vendors seem to have a serious Carnie Vibe to say the Least. It’s a VERY tight knit Community. They all know each other and all get along, and They take care of One Another. Be it Watching a fellow Seller’s Booth while They take a Bathroom Break to Running into Town to Get A Fellow Vender Lunch.

     

Speaking of the Outer Circles lets address the Vendors of the Concrete Tables now. These Vendors set up is far more simplistic than the Big Building’s Booths. The Vendor rents a Large Stationary Table constructed of Concrete thats lined with a shabby sidewalk that laps the Big Building. Now the Concrete Table Crew have the Option of Providing Their own Tent to protect Their Merchandise and Customers from the Blistering Sun of Summer or for the Gloomy Overcast Slightly Rainy Days.

The Concrete Table Vendors wares are less distinguished, and more Generic than the Collection of Cool Antiquities located Inside. Here You can find People Peddling more common wares such as Clothing, Bargain Jewelry, DVDS/CD’s, Old Yard Equipment, Perfume/Calone   and Fresh Produce such as Fruits and Vegetables. This strike Me as the kind of Shit You more Typically see Someone Selling on the Corner Sidewalk in Any City USA.

      

The Vendors like Their Merchandise are Unassuming, don’t get Me wrong They aren’t rude or assholes They just act the same as any Retail Employee in They hang back and wait for a Purchase without really even acknowledging Their Customers. Their quite and Reserved in Their own right.

There are certain advantages if You can find them as Well. I mentioned that inside the Big Building there was a Overpriced Knife/Sword Dealer, and I’ve been collecting Knife/Swords and such for 15 Years from Retail to Pawnshop. The point is I’m not blowing smoke outta My ass and Up Yours, I actually due know what the fuck I’m talking about here.

Well not too long ago while walking The Cement Circle I found a Boisterous and EXTREMELY Friendly Man who was also there to solely sell Knife/Swords. The difference in the Vendor was He was Happy and Humble where as the Knife Guy in the Big Building Thinks WAY TOO HIGHLY of Himself to the point He comes off rather rough and bit condescending. Let’s just say He doesn’t know as much as He thinks He does. He just got lucky and has a good customer base which is Why I assume He has such a Pretentious Attitude.

     

The difference in Merchandise was also notable. The Indoor Knife Guys had Display Cases, Shelving, Shit Hanging suspended over the Counter, and a The Back wall adorned with all types of Weapons hanging on it (it’s Overkill You ask Me). Now the Gentlemen selling Outside had His Knifes in Recycled Produce Bins with Price and sometimes a Unique Description like “CONFISCATED AT AIRPORT” for Example. The Outside Vendor also had a much more accurate Price Point though some of the Knifes needed sharpening or a hinge tightened (But thats Shopping the Flea Market for You. You want pretty packaging in a Tranquil Retail surroundings go PAY RETAIL)

       

Now as for the Last Group of Flea Market Vendors are the aforementioned Gravel People. These are the so called “Vendors” who display Their wares either by Setting them on the Ground, Thrown haphazardly into Extra Large Plastic Bins, and in some bizarre cases They have the Goods in an Actual Pile. It’s as if  They drove up in a Dump Truck packed to the Gills with Glorified Garbage, and Unloaded on the Spot. They kind of shit the Gravel People Sell is Your Typical Garden Variety Yard Sale bullshit. It’s the definition of USELESS CRAP. Seriously No One’s Grandmother would even bother looking at Their junk.

      

The Gravel People are also hard on the Eye as They look like They’ve been living under a fucking Bridge or in a Homeless Shelter. They’re sweaty, dirty, and run down by the trials of living a Hard (and usually unpleasant) Live. Their attitude matches Their Merchandise its quite unattractive. The last time I and My Wife were there We decided to check out the Gravlers for the first time ever since We started frequenting the Flea Market.

While We were overlooking this particular card tabled with Cheap and Broken items on it We overheard some of The Gravelers conversation They were having amongst Themselves. The conversation was One White Trash Meth Addict bitching that He only made $40 in the last 3 weeks, and He hated Thieves to the point He’d Stab/Cut anyone he caught Stealing From Him. The Skinny Old Guy who looked like a late stage Alcoholic nodded His head and mumbled in agreement.

   

I couldn’t help but to look around at this Guys Goods, and Though Who the fuck would even bother to Steal this shit to begin with?! It was the kind of crap You couldn’t even give away for the low low Price Free at Yard Sales half the time. I swear 80% of the Gravlers are there to sell Their sub par shit to fund Their Drinking or Drug Habit.

The other 20% are just a bunch of Poor Bastards just trying to scrape by anyway They Can. It’s those Poor Souls be it a Grandmother who lives in a Single Wide Mobile Home trying to supplement Her Shitty Social Security Check, or Immigrants who came to this Country in Hopes of a Better life for Them and Their Families only to find None. Whatever the Misfortune I try to buy a couple of Trinkets (I honestly end up donating them to Goodwill) from The Poor 20% of the Gravlers now each time I go. I do it because its one of those situations where the Money doesn’t matter to Me, but that couple of Bucks is a much bigger Deal to say Someone fighting to avoid being Homeless or someone Who Needs a decent fucking Meal.

=       

In the End the Flea Market is entirely a World in itself full of Colorful Characters, One of a Kind Pieces, and Stories to Tell. And just like Tattoos or Potato Chips it’s Addictive as all get out. Once You’ve gone and experienced The Flea Market in all its Oddity You’ll find Yourself walking to Your Car while simultaneously Planning Your Next Trip back.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

I hate Oprah Winfrey

First of all, I must say I do not entirely hate Oprah Winfrey. The success she has achieved as a talk show host and business entrepreneur is indeed absolutely remarkable.

So why exactly do I hate Oprah Winfrey??? It apparently is today’s million dollar question. Well I happened to watch yesterday’s show with her mentioning some mumbo jumbo about never having to be overweight or unhappy ever again.

So anyway……she had some talking head middle aged woman on with her blabbing about her new book or some grandiose bullshit like that. Then she had different assorted women talking about their weight loss struggles or something like that. I don’t even really know I was really not even paying that much attention.

   

However there were several things that greatly disturbed me. This talking head blabbing woman on there with her, maybe she was a doctor or some accredited something or another, talked about how in order to lose weight you cannot deprive yourself and shouldn’t count calories and all that.

People like this are exactly the problem that we have with obesity in this country. For Oprah Winfrey (who so many women understandable look up to her) to allow this woman to say something like this is a complete mockery.

First of all in order to lose weight one must create a calorie deficiency. You have to burn more calories then take in order to lose weight. I highly doubt Oprah’s legion of follows is going to burn more calories then take in if they do not deprive themselves of food somewhat. No one really wants to do two hours of cardio (or an hour of high intensity interval training) on a daily basis in order to keep consuming their fried chicken or their sugary treats or their ice cream or their cheesesteaks or their biscuits and gravy.

    

Then she goes on about how the most important thing is to be happy with your creator and you will be happy. OK that is fine and all. Now we get to have a bunch of fat women sitting in church not depriving themselves and celebrating with their 3500 calorie chompdown at the Old Country Buffet. While God is an important figure in many people’s lives it is not the above all and end all of happiness. Well if there is a God when you die I am sure it is, unless you are a naughty Catholic and thus damned to hell.

      

The craziest thing about Oprah’s struggles is that she is so rich that she should not need to worry about what she is consuming and how much is exercising. She could easily have people figure this out for her. She could easily have wonderful meals made for her that are delicious and low calories. She could easily find something to graze on like lettuce or carrots or hoodia. Yes I said hoodia.

Hoodia is found in South Africa or other parts of Africa. Oprah is a racist. It is quite funny how we can allow black people to be racists in this country but not white people. Oh wait, I forgot about the small but vocal minority of people in this country that consider themselves birthers. People that believe are president is not from this country. But this is not about Obama. This is about Oprah.

I’m really not all that frazzled by Oprah’s comments on the web talking about the white people that work for her. I might say the same about black people I worked with who were kind, decent people due to the fact that most of my contacts with black people have been with gangsters, criminals, and black men who have some kind of horrible fever for my flesh.

       

I’m really most appalled by Oprah not allowing whites into her school in South Africa. If someone white did this it would be all over the place. It would be protested and it would be stopped. I suppose because this is in a foreign country that only recently ended apartheid the people there are more then happy about having the blacks away from their white kids. Oprah is only adding to the problem. She is not helping that country progress. All the money in the world she has does not make this right.

So in closing I must say this. Oprah should really inspire our country’s women (and possibly men) to lose weight by setting an example. So many people admire her and this would mean a lot to so many people. On this one regard I have to say that Oprah is a quitter and a major disappointment to me.

Mind, body, and soul Oprah. Show me some gusto. Until then enjoy being overweight. Enjoy your shortened life span. Enjoy your rolls, both at the table and under your clothing. Inspire. You’ve lived, you’ve dreamed. Your generous. I know I’m all over the place here but in closing all I can say is I am very disappointed.

  By SpaceDog

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (16/365)

Lee took a minute to regain His whereabouts, and absorb what the hell was happening. Thats when things escalated once again with the Arrival of none other than The Seniors For Sex Association the arch enemy of Grandparents Against Porn.  As soon as the first mini van pulled up, (and the first wave of Senior’s For Sex came piling out) the Grandparent Against Porn Members rallied together to form a Human Wall between The Porn Shop and Their newly arrived Nemesis’s.

Lee looked on with an absurd excitement as the Senior Citizen’s from both waring factions lined up like Medieval Armies awaiting the Signal to charge head long into Battle. The Psychotic Screams of Anti-Porn Propaganda had given way to a Sinister Silence as Both sides eyed one another up anxiously.

       

Then the standoff was over and all her broke out. There were Walkers waving wildly, Damaged Dentures Littered the Parking Lot, Prescription Pill Bottles flew threw the air like tiny Orange Pharmaceutical Birds, Canes Clashed, and Wheel Chairs collided.

Lee at this point wasn’t sure what the fuck to do. Should He try and break it up? No that be futile and there was no need to suffer another humiliating hit like with the Old Ladies armed with the Dildo. Should He run? No that just plain didn’t make sense. Lee had at least to remain put, and protect the shops interests (even though He thought it safe to assume at this point He was fired as fuck) until the Authorities arrived to Handle the Rioting Retirees. That and He’d be required to relay the lead up to the Parking Lot Porno Fight in a Police Report.

   

Just then the Boys in Blue can speeding down the street sirens screaming and lights ablaze. The Officers scrambled out of Their Patrol Cars, and immediately started to defuse the Feuding Fanatics. Now this proved to be extremely difficult for several reasons. Older People can be Stubborn and Uppity to begin with, and now They were PISSED.

Not to mention the Police couldn’t actually really Physically restrain the Seniors due to Their fragile Physical Nature as well as Medical Conditions (such as Blood Pressure or Heart Ailments) The Police also couldn’t use Mace or Tear Gas for the same reasons plus the backlash from the Public to the Officers Macing and Manhandling the Elderly would be Furious.

       

Thats when Lee saw His asshole of a Boss pull up and park His shitty 1976 Station Wagon with the fucking artificial wood paneling on the sides. His Boss who went by the Nickname Fran (how the hell Fran was a better option than by going by Francis or Franklin bewildered Lee to no end) heaved His large frame to His feet. He peered around at the absolute Anarchy that had become His Parking Lot before spotting Lee standing to the side by the Tree.

Stay Tuned Kiddies for Tomorrows Delightful Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (17/365)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (15/365)

Lee instinctively flipped over onto His Belly (still using the Inflatable Sex Doll as a Shield) figured His best course of action was too literally keep His head down, and army crawl His way to the Door. Luckily for Lee at His lower Level managed to blend into the insuring chaos as He suffered a serious series of pokes and jabs from the Merchandise that coated the floor like a freshly fallen snow.

After a very slow going Lee made it to the Door at last, and stood up before barging His way out to the perceived safety of the Parking Lot. Unfortunately for Lee the Porn Shop was under full blow fucking siege by the incensed Seniors. They were everywhere as far as Lee could see it was just one continuous Sea of Senior Citizens.

      

There was a large and boisterous Picket Line, as well as several People Preaching through Bullhorns from Milk Crate Pulpits. Lee could help but think that the Self Proclaimed Preacher present were all talking over one another so none of Their messages could actually be heard by anyone there.

Also the Senior’s inside had decided it was best to Purge the Porn Shop by not just plundering the Stores Merchandise, But where now actively throwing it into the Parking Lot as the Little Old Ladies outside cheered Them on with chants of “Salvation Over Sin!”, and “Pornography  is Blasphemy!”

        

This Lee thought was the biggest Irony of them all as Vandalizing and trashing the Porn Shop made perfect sense to Lee considering the situation. The thing Lee found so amusing was the Shop while being set back from the Highly Trafficked Route 22 the Parking Lot was completely visible to all the Motorists as well as Bicyclists, Joggers, Dog Walkers, and walking Locals.

So if the Senior Citizens Brigade of God Fearing Soldiers (here to restore Society’s Moral Compass from the Vile Scourges of Sexploitation) were here  to  Truthfully Protect Humanity then why the fuck would They subject the World to the Twisted Perversions They were so Heartily Fighting Against?

      

The point was The Sinful Sex Toys were now littering the ground for not just the Public to see, but since it was 3:00pm School was out. And with the combination of The Local Middle School being in the immediate area, and that the end of Route 22 (where the Shop was Located) turned from Commercial to Residential so there were also School Bus Stops near by. It was by far the Worst Strategy at the Wrong time and Place as an Anti-Porno Pro Christian Righteous Rally could have possibly occurred.

Lee got to His feet as fast as He could while bobbing and weaving through the enraged Mob to find some place anyplace where He could have a second to regroup. By the time Lee found shelter from the Porn Shop Shit Storm behind a tree (that was on the property line of the Porn Shop and the next Door Gas Station) He could hear the Police Sirens Screaming like Banshees in the back round.

        

Stay Tuned Kiddies for Tomorrow’s Insane Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (16/365)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (14/365)

One of the Elderly Ladies whipped Her head around, and decreed “BE GONE SAVAGE SELLER OF SMUT!” which seemed to Alert the rest of the Geriatric Group into Action. The next thing Lee knew He was being pelted with Porn Shop Products from ever direction of the Shop. Lee was ducking Dildo’s, Dodging X Rated DVD’s, Lotions and Lubricants, Edible Underwear, and Other Sex Toys/Novelty Mercilessly by the Mob.

Lee ran over to the Lingerie section and grabbed a hold of two already pre inflated Inflate-A-Date Sex Dolls one in each hand that the Owner used instead of spending money on proper Manniquienns. Lee used the Inflatable Fuck Dolls to shield Him from the continuing Torrent of Sex Toys being launched at Him by the increasingly maddening Mob. Lee knew the situation as amusing as it was had gotten completely out of His (or Any for that matter) Control, and need to escape the confinement of the Shop.

Lee jumped over the counter in one quick leap, and made a B Line towards the Front Door trying not to Knock any of the Angry Elderly over because the last thing Lee needed was a Broken fucking Hip on His watch. Lee made full use of His Inflatable Sex Doll Shield to not just Protect Himself from the Porn Themed Projectiles, but He also used it as an impromptu Bumper Car sort of Buffer to bounce off or around the Gaggle of God’s Geriatric Soldiers.

    

Lee had pulled of a pretty sick pivot to get around one Little Old Lady only to come Face to Face with another. The two locked eyes in an intense Stare of to Warriors before clashing on the Battlefield. It was as if Lee and His Little Old Lady Advisory were frozen in Time with Their eyes Locked for Eternity. Then out of no where Lee found Himself flat on His ass on the Floor.

Lee still stunned looked up at The Old Lady who was standing triumphantly with an insanely Large Rubber Novelty Dildos. Jesus Lee thought how fucking embarrassing it was going to be if for the next few days if the Dildo left a dick shaped Bruise across His cheek.

     

Lee had barely finished His thought before His Adversarial Elder spiked a “Fuck Her From Behind” Brand of fuckable Silicone Cast of The Popular PornStar Connie Lingus’s Crotch on His head like a fucking Football. This rendered Lee flat on His back seeing stars while hiding Himself with the pair Inflate-A-Dates He had grabbed a hold of initially to stave off the Onslaught of Weaponized Sex Toys.

Tune into Tomorrow Kiddies for the Next Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (15/365)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

The blog that almost never happened

I have been an albatross. I have stopped doing the routines which make me sane on a daily basis. And in the process turned into a megabitch.

But hmmmmm maybe I was like that to begin with. It really doesn’t matter.
At the beginning of this year I set about with one far fetched rather self amusing goal. Which was for every year of my 30s (from 31 on), I was going to act the inverse age of what I actually was.

      

I did a pretty good job at it. For the last several months I have been literally addicted to playing online games. To the point it cut me off completely from the outside world. For a period of about one month, I did not listen to music more then several songs (down from about 100 or so songs per day roughly), did not go to the gym (down from 5-6 days per week), nor did I really leave the house for a whole hell of a lot of anything.

It has been about 3 days since the major part of this gaming addiction has been over. My gameadorkathon continues though because I have the chance to win another $350-$400, so I have been waiting and every two hours I am home I run off to check the Website and click to see if I won or lost the tournament I am in to see if this finally all can end.

   

It would be really nice to come out on top and really would be quite a thrill. Hopefully it doesn’t occur when I am drunk for my birthday that would really suck horribly. I want the whole ordeal to just end.

I finally made it to the gym again today and I have so far to go but this is primarily my doing. It is strange I have been through so many different addictions…..I wish I could figure out how to get addicted to sex I think that’s literally the final frontier but I’m sure if I met the right person who had enough booze and random cock floating by my face I could manage that one as well.

      

This is depressing. lmao. But ehhhhh this is where I have been literally. Cabo or Madrid or Tahiti would have made for a much more interesting tale but life is not interesting and well I apologize for my 13 year oldedness.

  By SpaceDog