Month: April 2019

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (7/365)

“Alright Lester told Me He’d text Me the exact specifics, but He wants us to Buy the Best medium range Dildo for now. Then on Our way back Lester wants Us to stop off at a Hardware Store and pick up some sort of Weather Proofing Spray. You know the kind Business Types use to Water Proof Their expensive Italian Leather Shoes and Shit.” reported Shane very matter of factly.

“Furthermore Lester said as for post Severing Scene Lester’s going to use a small Metal Bar to reconnect the 2 broken pieces. Next He’ll Super Glue the Broken pieces back together around the interior Metal Bar Support The all thats left is to Slap a Cock Ring over the repair, and then will be reusable in Lester’s next Outlandish Film.” Shane continued as Glen stared at Him Blank Faced and Motionless. Once Shane was finished relaying Lester’s instructions turned and walked out without saying another word.

    

Shane stood looking reminiscent of a Meerkat searching the Grass Lands for possible Predators as He watched in dismay as a Frustrated and Furious Glen marched to the Door, and threw it Open forcefully just in case Someone wasn’t aware that He was being an Angry Asshole. Shane then leaned over and grabbed one of the Dildos off the Rack, Glanced at it, and then Shrugged to Himself.

Lee’s observations so far were Shane was Voice of Reason or The Sensible Ying to Glen’s Emotionally Driven Combative Yang. It was Shane’s unofficial  job to stay Grounded and Rational when Glen flew off the hook in a Wild Whirlwind of  Extreme Emotions. This dynamic Lee found was more than common amongst the Members of Society.

     

Lee had decided that Opposites Do AND More Over MUST attract. One Person is The Calm to the significant Other’s Chaos which works as They 2 Personality Types nullify one another. When You put 2 identical Personalities together in one relationship it NEVER works, and is usually just one long clusterfuck from Beginning to End. People are just like fucking Magnets in Opposite Poles Connect to one another while if You try to connect 2 Magnets using Their SAME Poles They repell each other (The desired Connection is for all intensive purposes is Impossible.)

   

Shane approached the Check Out counter still trying to figure out if the particulate Dildo He was about to purchase for His Boss to use as in the (Castration & Masturbation with a Cheese Grater None The Less) Scenes His Gory  Splatter Movie was indeed the “Right” One for the Job.

Stay Tuned Kiddies for Tomorrow’s Installment of Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (8/365)

Thanks for Reading,

 By Les Sober

Swan Song

I’ve been sitting here for several hours now contemplating. What is it that you wish for the last blog of this decade to be???? And I thought to myself wow another decade gone by… I know I’ve been around for 5 as of midnight tomorrow, which makes me feel super old but I can’t help that I was born at the end of one decade and will into the infancy of the next.

But still…. really this really only feels like the 3rd decade, because well I sure don’t remember where I was for New Years in 1989, well my house I’m sure since at the age of 11 I was over protected by my parents like the pope in his golf cart bubble looking thing. Popemobile!!!! I’ve always wanted one of those.

    

Even in 2009, I really have absolutely no clue where I was for new years. I was old enough that I should remember as it was not all that long ago but I have no clue. I’m just sure that I screamed much louder, well at least until there came another year where I just happened to be that much drunken. Not that much more rowdy, I do rowdy with the best of them whether in an altered state of mind or not. That is not a particularly hard one for me to conjure.

And this year 2019 unless hell freezes over, I will be in the Big Apple, wet and soaked with way, way too many other people. I guess this is a good way of getting over my fear of crowds, I mean my central theme going on this year was do things you are afraid of and conquer them.

   

I mean so far there has been travelling dark Texas Chainsaw Massacre roads at night, driving 100 on the highway, going away with myself for a week (and being comfortable with it), and exercising my right to say fuck off to whoever needs to be told that. I am not afraid to let someone know that they are not right and this new and improved bluntness deluxe get me into more trouble then bluntness original but all things need to be upgraded. Even those that cause drama.

So anyway here is my swan song blog for the year and possibly for my sanity. I have a final 3 list as to where the hell I am going from here and am hoping to expand my readership beyond the 3.5 of you out there. But I love you guys, even the 0.5 dude. Big things do come in small packages!!!! Thank you!!!!!!

   

London was born in the kingdom of Ranchero, not so far away from the Wasteland of Frito, and the loins of his mother Queen May Belle Jo. He lived a truly charmer life from his first crib plated with gold to the baseball bat he used which had diamonds encrusted in the handles. The nouveau riche were told this would help also enhance their climbing fortunes but London liked things that sparkle. His mother obliged.

  By SpaceDog

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (6/365)

“Fine.Fine. I’m done there’s no dealing with You right now. I’m calling Lester and I’ll figure this out from the directly from the Director Himself.” said Shane indignantly before whipping out His Cell Phone with the speed of a Wild West Gunslinger.

Shane then left to Converse in Private in the Parking Lot. Glen now on His own loitered about wondering the Isle aimlessly talking shit under His Breath. It was blatantly obvious that Glen was Acting the Asshole Lee thought to Himself . Again it wasn’t hard to tell Glen was in the Shittiest of Moods it was Written all Over His Face in the form an seriously Sinister “Eat Shit” Scowl.

   

“Who the Hell buys all this Over Priced Perversion?!” inquired Glen in an Overly Demanding Tone to No One in particular as it seemed to be more of an actual Statement rather than an Honest Question.

“Everyone.” Lee quipped snidely as He was growing tired of Glen’s less than Stellar Asshole Attitude. Glen is Lee’s opinion was overthinking the living shit out of the Situation. Shane had the right fucking idea that when in Doubt (especially if Your job could possibly be on the Line) Suck It Up, say fuck it, and Go to the Source Itself.

   

“I don’t need Your two goddamn Cents worth You Cock Jockey.” Snarled Glen through His clenched Teeth looking Madder than ever.

Lee considered that comment was rather Homophobic Sounding, BUT He did get the reference to Him being a Porn Shop Employee. Lee also got a Laugh out of the Fact the Insult had a direct Correlation with Glen and Shane’s Purchase of a Dildo. At this point Lee opted begrudgingly to bite His tongue because there was no point arguing with an Asshole. Glen was Shane’s fucking problem let Him deal with the all of Glen’s pessimistic bullshittery.

   

Luckily for Lee it was then that Shane returned from His Parking Lot Conversation with Lester with His head hanging Low. Shane also seemed to now be in a real Rush it appeared to Lee since Shane was walking hurriedly in a very determined stride. He looked like a dejected Child to Lee like a mischievous Kid who just got Scolded for some Small Indiscretion.

” So I talked with Lester, well I talked while He was Yelling at Me like a motherfucker and a half.” lamented Shane before informing Glen that in spite of the in suing  Creative Chaos that was the making of a Lester Sane Movie He had managed to get an Answer.

“Thank fuck.” sighed Glen wearily,”What pray tell then is the Solution for Our Severed Schlong dilemma ?” Now that The Duo had a definitive answer this somehow stopped Glen’s Asshole Tirade in its tracks. Glen’s Hostile Attitude was suddenly replaced with an Exasperated Sarcasm as if He had run out of Shit Spewing Steam, and was finally Accepting the Situation.

   

Tune In Tomorrow for the Next Installment of Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (7/365)

Thank for Reading,

  By Les Sober