Month: January 2020

Rock pulled into His Classic 1976 Cadillac into a Parking Spot directly in front of His Favorite Drinking Hole Old McCoy’s Pub. As He Parked Rock couldn’t for the Life of Himself shake Himself free from the Haunting Images He had witnessed just moments ago. The Mental Image of Ivy Savage going to Town on Her then Boy Friend Justin Sane’s Man Meat like a Starving Hobo chowing Down on a Hoagie. The Chunks of Bloody Genital Flesh flying through the Air as Blood Coated the Entire Room as Justin Screamed like a Banshee that had been Kicked in the Balls.

Well Rock thought to Himself as He exited His Caddie the Ivy Case was a complete Financial Loss because Not only did the Job last a Whopping 3 Hours, But His Client Ivy was clearly Mentally Deranged. Lunatics Don’t have any Money to Speak of so Rock’s Pay Day was a Big Bust. Goddamnit Rock that as He was already living in His Office Sleeping on an Old Military Cot He kept folded up in the Closet during Business Hours. Rock had to make some Quick Cash before He Ended up Homeless and living in a Refrigerator Box in some Dank Back Alley.

Rock entered Old McCoy’s which was a Close Knit Blue Collar Neighborhood Bar where Everyone Body Knew Each other and Looked Out for One Another. Their surrounding Neighborhood was More like an Extended Family than a Neighborhood. Rock liked that because it kept out the Frat Boys, Annoyingly Vocal Sports Fans, and Sloppy Drunkards.

           

Rock sauntered up to the Seat at the Bar that was directly between The Small black and White TV and The Bar Tender so that way He could easily keep an Eye on Both. Today The Old McCoy was being Tended to by Manny McCoy the Great Grandson of the Original Founder and Owner of Mccoy’s His Grandfather Bartholomew K.  McCoy. Manny’s Father Mick’s health had been Failing as of Recent had taken a Back Seat as far as the Bar was Concerned. Mick was a well respected and revered Member of the Community who had been Slinging Drinks since he was 16. Unfortunately Mick being the Tragic Hero that He was had been a Big Time Drinker and now His Liver was Paying the Price.

Manny was the Next Generation in the Family’s Bar Business, and was preparing for the Transition from Bar Tender to Bar Owner. Manny was a cheerful young Man in His Mid Twenties with a Long and Lanky Build with a Smile that Could cheer up even a Suicidally Drunk Sailor. Manny had practically grown up in Old McCoy’s as His Parents had brought Him to Work starting when Manny was 2 years Old. Manny tended to Dress like James Dean in Blue Jeans and a plain white t-shirt. Manny’s attire was a direct reflection of His laid back attitude towards Life’s Trial and Tribulations.

“Hey Rock what are You Having?” asked Manny in His usual up beat tone.

           

“It’s been one of those Day’s Manny just one of those Day’s where Life seems Hell Bent of Kicking You in the Ribs while You’re Down,” replied Rock sounding Beaten Down and Exhausted, “What do You recommend for a Day like This?”

“Hmm Well I think if I had to Match the Drink to the Day, and that Day is Today I’d say O’Vladdy’s Vodka the Finest Irish Vodka in the Entire World I assure You.” answered Manny earnestly not making light of the Question.

“Alright then Let Me get 4 fingers of O’Vladdy straight.” said Rock unenthusiastically as He opened His Vintage 1920’s Cigarette (or Coffin Nails as Rock preferred to refer to them as) case, removed one of the Camel Unfiltered Cigarettes that where lined up like Soldiers at Attention. Rock ran the Cigarette under His nose Inhaling Deeply. Rock thoroughly enjoyed the Sweet Smell of the Tobacco Savoring it before Finally Lighting it. Rock took a long slow drag of His cigarette before Exhaling a billowing Cloud Of Smoke with a prolonged exasperated sigh. Manny brought Rock his Drink leaving the Bottle sitting on the Bar next to Rock’s Cigarette case.

After a while of sitting in Silence drinking and thinking a Tall Lean Man who appeared to be somewhere near 60 entered the Bar. He was extremely well dressed in an expensive designer 3 piece grey pin stripped Suit, a full length dark blue trench coat, and a Grey Fedora giving Him a Very European vibe. The Man’s hair was as White as a Polar Bears Fur, and the deep Lines in His face Didn’t make Him look Old, but Rather Distinguished instead. He stood just inside of the Door motionless for a minute before approaching the Bar. Once the Man reached the Bar He flagged down Manny immediately.

           

“I’m here to see  if a Mr. Rock Hard is currently here in Your Drinking Establishment.” inquired the Man in a Low and controlled tone.

Manny shot Rock a quick glance on the Sly before he answered the Man’s question to see if Rock gave a Nod of Consent which He did. “Yeah He’s Here,” replied Manny gesturing towards Rock, “I’d be careful though He’s not in the Mood to be Trifled with.”

The Man approached Rock walking stiffly and with Purpose utterly oblivious as to the Rest of the Bar. He stood next to Rock without saying a word, pulled out a Bar Stool, and Sat Down looking Stoically Profound. The Man moved the bowl of Peanuts resting on the Bar in front of Him out of His way before placing His elbows on the Bar with His Fingers locked together. It was only then that the Man spoke.

“You are indeed Rock Hard,” questioned the Man in a Auoritative tone of voice,”You’re not an Easy Man to Find, but I assume thats because You want it that way.”

           

“I don’t have time for bullshit so let’s skip the pleasantries and get to the Point.” gripped Rock without looking at the Man seated beside him.

“Direct and to the Point I can appreciate that,” stated the Man in return, “I have been actively searching for a Unconventional Detective to help Me resolve a particular Problem,” said the Man cryptically not batting an eyelash.

“Alright what the fuck did I just say? Cut the Crap and get on with it already so I can go back to Drinking Myself into a Stupor,” snapped Rock agitatedly as He poured Himself another 4 Fingers of O’Vladdy, “What prey tell is Your problem just tell Me so We can end this conversation quickly.”

“Right so be it. My Name is Otto Van de Berg, and I’m an International Venture Capitalist of Moderate Fame and Vast Fortune,” said the Man as He waved Rock’s cigarette smoke out of His face,”I recently entered into a joint venture with a Man named Cyrus Bogdan who I had know for quite some time. We started the Investment Banking Firm Berg&Bogdan.”

           

“Doesn’t sound like must of a goddamn problem to Me.” said Rock rudely interrupting the Man as His Impatience was growing in Leaps and Bounds.

“AS I was Saying,” Otto retorted snidely, “Our Business was a Bonified Success and We were expanding the Business at an Incredible Rate. The problem arose when I returned from My Vacation in Malaysia you see. Upon My return I was informed Cyrus in fact Bankrupted the Company in a Fly By Night scenario. He emptied all 5 of the Firm’s Bank Account to the Tune of $76 Million, Drained the Employee Retirement Fund stealing $7.6 Million, and had proceeded to Robbed Our Top Their Clients for $176 Million. Thats aGrand Total of $259.6 Million which as I said Utterly Bankrupted the Firm not to mention landing Me in a great deal of Legal Trouble due to Cyrus’s  Indiscretions.”

          

“I’m not going to Pull Your leg here Otto Old Boy a Man with $260 million in His Pocket has virtually No Chance in Ever being Found more or less be held accountable for Their Crimes,” said Rock in all sincerity not wanting to waste anymore of His Drinking time “So the Bottom line here is this Otto what the fuck do You want? You want Me to tracked this scumbag Cyrus down and bring Him back for Legal Prosecution because it sounds like He can Afford the Sleaziest Criminal Defense Attorneys there are. Also if your trying to Recoup Your cash good fucking luck as it’s more than likely already been spent, and a Convict making $.76 cents a Day making License Plates is paying Anyone Back worth a Damn. So I ask You Otto what the fuck do You Need Me For?!”

“In a Word,” said Otto in a Malevolent Whisper, “Revenge.”

Stay Tuned for the Next Installment of The Deviant Detective #6: The Plot Thickens COMING SOON.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober