Month: May 2021

Lloyd came Stumbling through the Door of the Greasy Spoon Diner like a Drunken Silver Back Gorilla causing the Customers Waiting to be Seated to Part like the Red Sea. Lloyd was Unusually Disheveled His Shirt Half Untucked, Tie Loose and Askew, His hair looked like Someone’s Grandfather had just Ruffled it in Passing, and He was Sweating like a Jehovah Witness at a Birthday Party at a Porn Theater.  After Scanning the Diner from One End to the Other Lloyd finally Saw His Colleague Stoically waiting with the Patience of a Saint for Lloyd to Turn Up. Lloyd Mumbled a Slew of Pardon/Excuse Me’s as He shuffled Through the Crowded and Narrow Diner Towards His Co-Worker.

“Hey You been Waiting Long?” asked Lloyd Out of Habit and Not Concern for the Fact He had Yet Once Again Kept a Fellow Employee Needlessly Waiting for Him.

“I have but I have come to Realize Time Management is an Utterly Alien Concept to You,” Replied Emmet Starkly, “It wouldn’t be such an Inconvenience accept for the fact Your Preferred Lunch Spot just so happens to have Third World Interest Service at Best. I have a Sneaking Suspicion that the Owner’s of this Establishment are Also the Last People on the fucking Planet Using AOL Dial Up. It’s like Eating in the Technological Stone Age around Here.”

           

“Look I know I have a Bad Habit of Chronically Running Late, BUT I swear to God After the Motherfucker of a Morning I just Had You’d be fucking Flabbergasted,” Snapped Lloyd Defensively, “When did the Entire World Up and Go Retarded on itself?”

“Well then You’ll be Glad to Hear that You’re Not the Only Person on the Planet that’s have a Shitty Day at the Office as it were.” replied Emmet His words Dripping with Angst.

“Who Crapped in Your Cornflakes?” Lloyd Inquired with Genuine Interest and a Good Degree of Disgust as Misery Loves Company, and the More Miserable the fucking Better.

“I had a Younger Couple as Clients that were Your Classic 50/50 when it comes to Buying a House. The Guy couldn’t have cared Less about a goddamn thing, and was Obviously just Along for the Ride as They Say,” Explained Emmet, “The Lady on the Other Hand Hates the Hell Out of Everything Under the goddamn Sun. I Mean She just went Over the Entire Properties with a Fine Tooth Comb Knit Picking the Holy Hell Out of Every Single Detail. There simply was No Satisfying Her.”

“So When You got Hired at House&Home Reality and They Added You to My Sales Team I told You straight up about Days with Difficult Clients. I distinctly told You that Indecisive and Difficult Clients would be Hell. Not Only that but it be a Hell You’d have to Learn to Deal with.” said Lloyd in His Best I Told You So Tone of Voice.

                    

“I remember and for the Record I requested to be put on Your Team. I didn’t want to be Assigned to a Younger Team Leader with Only Limited Experience. I have Nothing to Learn from a Team Leader who has Only been in the Game for a Couple Years They lack the Connections, Resources, and Knowledge of the Older Agents,” explained Emmet, “Thats Why I chose You even though You’re 16 Years My Senior, and In Spite of What I had been told about Your Personality Quirks.”

“Quirks? What fucking Quirks? Stop talking like some Asshole on a Reality TV Show and just Tell Me what the Hell You’re Going on About.” demanded Lloyd Gruffly as He downed half of His Glass of Water in One Giant Gulp.

“The best way I can sum it up is that You are generally a Disagreeable Person who Doesn’t Cross the Line, But is Willing to Walk Up to said Line and Scream Bloody Murder in its Face. You can be cantankerous as You want because Regardless You’re one of the Biggest Agents Out There.” Emmet said as He Stared at the Waitress to See If He could get Her Attention by Sheer Will Alone.

“Enough of the Bullshit and Flattery if there was a Point to Your Story then What the fuck is it Exactly?” asked Lloyd finding Himself getting rather Irritated with the Perceived Indecisiveness of Emmet.

                

“I met up with the Couple First thing this Morning at the Office and Spent Hour after Hour looking at Numerous Properties that as I said earlier are all Unsatisfactory as Far as the Lady is Concerned,” continued Emmet, ” The Low and fucking Behold right as We were about to Call it a Day I remembered that Slick Starter House located on Viver Street in that little Neighborhood by the High School. So I figure between being First Time Home Owners and being a Young Couple They’d likely be looking to have Kids relatively Soon. So Putting Two and Two Together I thought that it be the Perfect Property for Them hands Down.”

“So what are You complaining About Sounds like You made the Sale granted it was by the kin of Your Teeth.” Quipped Lloyd who’s irritation was Growing as He wished Emmet would hurry the hell up and get to the Point.

“Ok The Lady fell in Love almost Instantly I mean She just started Gushing with Glee She absolutely loved every Aspect of the Property Lawn and All. She even spent 15 fucking Minutes Babbling On about the fucking Light Switch Covers, that’s right the fucking Light Switch Covers.” answered Emmet who found His Own Irritability rising as He recounted the Tale of His Miserable Morning.

“You hit the Jackpot.” said Lloyd in His Typical Sarcastic Tone.

“Not Quite,” griped Emmet through Clenched Teeth, “While the Impossible to Please Lady is Acting like She just Won the fucking Home Buyer Lottery I notice the Guy isn’t saying Shit, and He’s looking around on the Tour like a Casual Shopper at a Big Box Store. So I decided to lean on the Kid probability by Mentioning that the District Schools all have an A Ranking, and the High School was right around the Corner adjacent to the Middle School,” said Emmet pausing to Again glare at the Waitress with a Great Deal of Contempt,”Finally We finish the Tour and I figure with the Lady being more than Delighted the Sale was a Virtually Done Deal. That’s when the Guy asks a Unusual Question inquiring if the Schools or at Least One of Them 1,000 Feet from the House.”

“Huh that’s a New one to Me and I’ve spent the Last 22 years of My Life Peddling Properties to all kinds of fucking Characters,” recounted Lloyd with an Odd air of Nostalgia,”I have Heard more than My fair share of Questions from the Asinine to Outrageous along the Way, But yeah that Question takes the Cake.”

“The funny thing about it is I know exactly Why He asked the Precise and Specific Question,” Emmet said with Great Confidence,”I also know that the Sale was Deader than the Dinosaurs.”

“What? Why would that be the Case?” Lloyd asked Honestly Perplexed by this unexpected Twist to Emmet’s previously Boring Story.

“He’s a fucking Drug Dealer that’s How I knew the Deal was a Definite Bust,” proclaimed Emmet so Loudly that it Turned several Heads and garnered several Disgusted Stares, “Granted there some Ethical and Moral issues, Yet I pretty sure I don’t feel very fucking comfortable Knowing I’m selling a House to a fucking Drug Dealer. Ignorance is Truly Bliss as They Say.”

“How can You be so fucking Sure the Guy was in reality a Drug Dealer by Profession?” asked Lloyd though it was more of a Demand than a Question.

“The Criminal Penalties for Drug Dealing are Tripled as Per the Drug Free School Zone Laws that are Ironically aimed at Keeping Drugs as Far away from School Property as fucking possible,” said Emmet, “So if You’re a Dug Dealer You run the Risk of getting Caught. Thus it would be in the Drug Dealers interest to Avoid such things as Drug Free School Zones which only Serve to Increase the Severity of possible Punishment in Court.”

” I dunno about all that,”Lloyd announced in what was Painfully Obvious to Emmet as Complete Dismissal,”I used to live in a small Neighborhood with My Second Wife in Illinois, and Our street was Directly Next to the School I could see it from My Front fucking Lawn. I can say in all confidence it was the shittiest place I have ever Lived by a long Shot. The High School Kids would Flood Our Neighborhood at 3 pm Five Days a fucking week, and let Me tell You they were fucking Savages. They Stole Our Mail, fucked up Our Flower Beds, and Pissed in Our Bushes for starters. Maybe this Guy could see the inevitable writing on the Wall, and made the Smart Call Not Live in close Proximity to a School because Kids are Assholes Who You Can’t Hit.”

It was at this moment the Haggard Looking Waitress made Her way over to the Table with the Speed of a Galapagos Tortoise. The Waitress looked just Shy of 100 years Old with the Bent Knees, Back Back, and Hunched Shoulders of a Lifetime in the Service Industry. As She reached for Her Pad to Write Down Their Order She nonchalantly took Her withered Liver Spotted Hand, and Moved one of Her Pendulous Breasts out of Her Way. Emmet shifted His weight from one Butt Cheek to the Other in Exasperation as Lloyd took Forever and a Day placing His Order. Lloyd was a Creature of Habit if there ever was one.  He would  predictably Order the same thing He had been Ordering since He first set Foot in the Greasy over a Decade Ago. What chapped Emmet’s ass was Instead of just saying that He’d have His Usual Lloyd felt compelled to Place His Full Order in its Entirety. Lloyd Ordered His Usual Lunch consisting of a Cup of Black Coffee, Rare Steak, 6 Sunny Side Up Eggs, Two Sides of Bacon, and Three Fingers of Johny Walker Red Label Neat. Emmet then promptly ordered a Hamburger and a Beer which was His go to Order when He found Himself at what He considered a Less than Desirable Eatery. The Waitress paused long enough to let out an Exhausted Sigh before plodding off to Place Their Order Only Infuriating Emmet even more.

                 

“That was My most Shitty of a Mornings so Pray Tell What Happened to You?” Emmet inquired wondering if Lloyd’s Morning could have Possible been any worse than His but Doubted it.

“My Morning started as it Normally does with a Quick Shit, Shower, and a Shave before Heading Out for the Office,” barked Lloyd Angrily as if Emmet had just called His Mother a Silly Little Slut,”Then during My Commute is when Everything went straight to Hell. I was stuck in a serious bumper fucker of a Slow Down on I-96 like I usually Do, and as I’m trying to Kill the Time without going fucking Insane I started checking out the Cars and shit around me.”

“I’m sorry but a Sue-do Traffic Jam is Nothing Compared to Chauffeuring around a Spoiled Brat of a Woman and Her scumbag Drug Dealing Boyfriend.” proclaimed Emmet Coldly as He watched the Waitress Intently as She returned with Their Food.

“I didn’t say it was, and that was just the fucking beginning of the Story so You don’t even know what the hell happened yet! Hold the Hell On and Let ME FINISH for Christ’s Sake will You?!” blurted Lloyd His agitation reaching New Heights, “So I look over in the Next Lane over to My Left and I notice the Team Bus for the Chupacabras You know the Community Collage Baseball Team and Shit. All a sudden one of the Bus Windows Slides down and Some Young Punk Sticks His Bare Ass Out the goddamn Window to Moon a Car Next to Them.”

                   

“A Baseball Players Bare Ass is Nothing Noteworthy I mean You went to Collage People do the stupidest shit of Their Lives in fucking Collage,” quipped Emmet matter of factly,” God only knows what the Little Shits are Up to Shenanigans Wise so You probably got lucky it was just an old school Mooning.”

“It wasn’t the Bare ass Bullshit that was the fucking Problem its what Happened Next that’s the fucked up Part,” said Lloyd glancing up from His Plate to see if Emmet was going to add His Two Cents Worth which He Didn’t,”Now I’m curious because I’m wondering who the hell the Kid is Mooning and Why You Know. You see if you stick Your Naked Ass Out of a Window of a Moving Bus there Must be a Reason for such Jackassery. So I turn My Attention to the Car that’s the subject of said Mooning, and low and behold it’s Dickie Doo the Head Coach of the Wankers the Chupacabra’s Ultimate Rival.”

Lloyd took a moment to shovel a whopping Fork Full of Eggs into his Mouth before Downing the Johny Walker Red in one single Swallow. Emmet sat Sipping on His Beer while poking at His Hamburger disapprovingly. Lloyd signaled the Waitress and Ordered a Refill of Johny Walker before continuing His Story. It took Him a moment to collect His thoughts since the Disgruntled Waitress had apparently unknowingly farted prior to Shuffling Off to fetch Lloyd’s Refill. It was so pungent that it reminded Lloyd of working on His Uncle’s Cattle Ranch in the Middle of a Texas Summer Heat Spell. The Stench Lingered in the Air Stinging His Nose and Making His Eyes Tear Up. Dear God Lloyd thought to Himself Not only does She look like Death She smells like it too if the Fart was Indicative of anything it was the Waitress was Rotting from the Inside Out.

“Well As We start Creeping down the fucking Highway The Chupacabra’s Bus remains almost side by side with Dickie’s Car, and He is fucking Livid He’s yelling, cursing, and waving His arms around Enraged as Enraged can be. So I watching this ordeal unfold Delighted that I’m not bored damn near to Death since I’m stuck in this god awful Traffic,” recounted Lloyd in a Low and Aggressive tone of Voice,”Then it Happened.”

                   

“What Happened? For Someone who is perpetually impatient You take a while to get to the Point too.” commented Emmet as He debated if He should Order a Second Beer.

“You interrupt My Story to make that Sorry and Unnecessary Statement?” Growled Lloyd gruffly as He light Up a Smoke to the Great Displeasure of Emmet who thought Smoking was an Antiquated Vice.

“I just wanted to make sure You were aware of the Fact since You’re overtly critical of Other People’s Story Telling.” said Emmet the way a Parent would explain the situation to a Child.

“ANYWAY back to My story before I was so rudely interrupted,” griped Lloyd, “All a Sudden the Little Snot Nosed Punk Mooning Dickie Decides to take it Up a Notch to send Dickie Over the fucking Edge, AND what the fuck does He do? He takes a goddamn bonafide Shit. That’s right the little son of a bitch just unloaded like a fucking Dump Truck, I swear to God the Kid shit like a Grizzly Bear. Then right as this Little Bastard Unleashes His Shit Bomb the Traffic Starts to make some actual progress which would have been a fucking relief. Unfortunately for Me Dickie Drives up to the Head of the Bus, and the Shit Missile completely misses its intended Target. Instead of Landing on the Hood of Dickie’s Car as Initial Intended it Soars Backwards and Splatters across MY GODDAMN WINDSHIELD!!!”

“Like You I didn’t see that coming. When you said You had a Crappy Morning I didn’t think You meant Metaphorically Not Literally.” said Emmet Coyly, “At least My Clients didn’t cop a squat and shit on the Kitchen Floor. What the hell did You do after Your Windshield became covered in Shit?”

“I’ll fucking tell You what I did I got fucking Even with the Punks Kid thats what the fuck I did,” announced Lloyd almost Triumphantly, “I muscled My way up towards the front of the Bus which wasn’t easy due to the Fact Dickie was still in the middle of His fucking Tirade even though He didn’t get shit on. Finally I managed to work My way Up to the Front of the Bus and I start wildly Signaling the goddamn Bus Driver to Pull the Hell Over Immediately,” Lloyd said getting caught up in His Retelling, “The Bus Driver was stubborn as shit and I had to damn near side Swipe the Bus to get Him to do so. Once the Asshole of a Bus Driver pulled the goddamn Bus over into the Shoulder of the Road I pulled up and jump out of My Car with a Quickness. I marched right over to that fucker and wrenched the Door Open with such Force the Bus Driver Flinched when I did. Once the goddamn Door was Open I barged into the Bus and started looking for the guilty little fucker.”

Lloyd wolfed down the Remainder of His Lunch and Once again Drained His Drink in one Giant Gulp like a Blue Whale swallowing a School of Plankton. Emmet for His Part decided another Beer would be a Necessity and went to work trying to Flag Down the Wayward Waitress to No Avail. The Diner was beginning to clear out as the Customers filed out in small groups to return to work. This fact riled Emmet since even with the Decreased Customer Base  the Waitress was still operating maddeningly Slow. Emmet began to think  the Waitress had actually Died Standing on Her feet and Simply No One had Noticed. Emmet raised His Empty Beer and Waved it back and Forth as if His Liver was Surrendering. At Last the Waitress took Notice and Nodded Slightly at Emmet before slowly pacing behind the Diner Counter to retrieve Emmet’s Beer from the Cooler. At last Lloyd launched into the remainder of His Story.

                      

“So I Eyeball the Shit out of the Entire Bus Until I find the Guilty Little Shit because He’s the One that Looks the Most Scared by My Presence. When I spot the Little Ratfuck I march right over to Him and Order Him to fork Over His Backpack which He Nervously Did. When He Handed it to Me I opened it to see what the Little Dickhead had inside. He had a bunch of Books and School Supplies along with His Laptop and one of those Go Pro Camera Deals,” Said Lloyd Feverishly, “So I told the Little Shit Stain to pt His Cell Phone, Wallet, and His fancy fucking Fitness Watch into the Backpack to boot. The I set it down on the Floor of the Bus Upright and Wide Open, and I drop Trow right then and there and Shit in His Backpack like My ass was a Malfunctioning Soft Serve Ice Cream Machine. During the Whole fucking thing I never Broke Eye Contact with the Little Bitch to let Him Know Its Not Smart Fucking Around with People He Doesn’t Know. Engaging in That kind of Behavior will only Achieve on Thing and That’s a Guy like Me Shitting in Your Backpack and all Over Your Personal fucking Property.”

“Holy Shit No Pun Intended,” sputtered Emmet through a Flurry of Hysterical Manic Laughter, “That’s one for the fucking History Books I kid You Not That’s nothing short of Legendary.”

“I suppose the Moral of the Story is Shit Happens,” added Lloyd Dryly, “Well I don’t know about You, but I’m about ready to get the Hell Out of this Dive.”

“Fine by Me,” responded Emmet only Half paying Attention as Hs mind Drifted back to Work and He found Himself Wondering if His Afternoon would be anything as Egregious as His Morning had Been.

Thanks For Reading,

   By Les Sober