The Other Night as it were I was doing what is Referred to in Certain Circles as a Little Drinking and Thinking while Mulling over My Life Past, Present, and Possible Future. At One point a Story I had Locked Away Many Years ago in the Library of Memories in My Mind made its way to the Forefront of My Thoughts. It was a Memory of a Best FriendI had in High School named Mike. Mike Shared the Same Sense of Absurdist Humor, Love of Extreme Music, and Lived just a Short Walking distance from My Parents House. Mike had moved Recently to the Area after the Unfortunate and Untimely Death of His Dad. Mike’s Father Sacrificed Everything (including His Life) to Help His Family when it was Imperative the Family Move. Due to the Expense of the More along with Arranging New Housing, and the Fact Mike’s Family didn’t have much Expendable Income the Man was Under Overwhelming Stress. To make things Worse to Afford the Move Mike’s Father had to forgo His Pricy Heart Medication which He needed for a Chronic Heart Condition and Subsequently Died because of the Lack of Medication. Since His Father’s Passing Mike, His Mom, Little Sister, and Little Brother had all Moved in with Mike’s Grandmother to Regroup and Plan the Next Phase of Their Lives.
For Starters as Far as Mike’s Mother was Concerned You see didn’t Conduct Herself like a Mother in the Traditional Sense as She seemed to Suffer from Some Asinine Arrested Development Issues. She was a rather Short Heavy Set Woman with a Loud Mouth with Little Regard for Anyone other than Herself, But that is Not All Not by a Long Shot. In all Due Favor Mike’s Mom was as Irresponsible as She was Immature which was a Great Deal. Mike’s Mom conducted Herself like a Spoiled, Bitchy, and Entitled High Schooler to Whom Responsibility wasn’t in Her Vocabulary. As a Result as You might Imagine Mike was the Member of the Family that Acted as the Glue keeping the Family in one fucking Piece as it were.
After a Couple of Years when Mike was Finishing His Sophomore Year of High School His Mother Started Dating Again. Now She didn’t Date Anyone in Her Area or Even making a fucking Effort to. Mike’s Mom wasn’t going through the Standard Dating Routine of the Time. She wasn’t Hitting Up Bars, Various Area Social Events, Grocery Stores, or even Bother Placing a Personal Ad in a Local Paper. To Clarify You see before there were Dating Sites like Cupid or Match.com even Existed People used to Place Personal Ads looking to Meet People/Someone Example Man Seeks Womanfollowed by things like Age Range, Religion, Hobbies, Activities and Shit like that) in Their Local Newspaper(s). Somehow Mike’s Mom Managed to Get the Phone Numbers or Mailing Address (Sometimes Both) of fucking Seriously Unusual Odd Balls, Basket Cases, and Assorted Losers of all Kinds. She treated these Men in Other States like Some kind of Hook Up Pen Pal. Mike’s Mom 99% of the Time Communicated Extensively but Never Actual Meet any of these Men in Person Sort of like the Internet Today. I have No Idea How or Where Mike’s Mom found out about These Fools or Acquired Their Phone Numbers but fuck me She did Time and Time Again. One of the Rare Times Mike’s Mom even went and Banged Some Random Guy She had been Writing to in Ohio. She referred to this Ohio Idiot as the Old Man, and not due to His Age.She referred to Him as Old Man because when They were Banging His Knee Went Out so that Earned Him the Nickname.
Finally Mike’s Mom started a Longer Ongoing “Relationship” with a Man Named Don who lived in a Tiny Town in Alabama No One has ever Heard of (and is even Difficult to Locate on a Map). The Town was Extremely Close to the Florida Boarder that I do remember still. I remember because Mike called Me One Day and Told Me that while Driving around that Part of Alabama He had made a Wrong Turn. All of a Sudden Mike had Noticed that His Particular Wrong Turn had landed Him Florida by Accident. Anyway Mike’s Mom and Don’s Relationship (if You could even call it a Relationship, More like Relationshit) Progressed and They Spent Hours on the Phone Talking Every Goddamn Day.
All the Incessant Phone Call Inevitably resulted in Don Flying up from the Alabama Sticks to Visit. Don was a Character to say the fucking Least. He had a Southern Accent that was so fucking Pronounced it made Him hard to Understand Most of the Time (Especially the Faster He talked). He too was on the Shorter Side and was Essentially Borderline Obese by the Time I met Him. He also had this fucking Stereotypical Habit of wearing Nothing but Overalls like He was living on a fucking Farm in the fucking 1920’s or some shit. Don also just so Happened to be a Fanatical Born Again Bible Thumping Born Again Christian. Not to Mention Don was Dumber than a Box of Goddamn Rocks that was for Sure. I honestly don’t know shit about Don’s Education or Apparent Lack of It but Whatever Schooling He had it Sure wasn’t Much. My First Impression of Don was that He was Straight Up White Trailor Trash which as it Turned Out He was through and through. All I’m saying is Don’s Parents lived in a Beat Up Old ass Mobile Home where His Dad still Raised Hogs on the Property. Not Only that but Don’s Dad’s Favorite Hog had Bitten a Piece Out of His Ear one day like it was Mike Tyson. Don’s Parents also had a Police Scanner that was Left on 27/7 so They would Know if Don’s Delinquent Scumbag Brother was in Trouble with the fucking Police Again.
Eventually as these things go Mike’s Mom and Dipshit Don decided to get Married, and Mike’s Mom agreed to Move in with Don in Alabama. The way She Broke the News to Mike was a fucking Dick Move that’s for Sure as She simply Blindsided Him. Mike came Home from Wherever We had been Killing Time, and His Mom Announced the Engagement out of the fucking Blue, and that the Family was Moving to Alabama to live with Dickhead Don. She then went on to Inform Him that He had 2 Weeks to get His shit together since that was when They were Moving. For the First fucking Time in Her Life Mike’s Mom made a Commitment and Moved Faster than a fucking Tortoise. Needless to Say the 2 Weeks fucking Flew by and then Mike was Gone just like that.
Mike and I as You may Imagine in Spite of there being No Social Media, Email, Text, Dms, Ims, or Even there fucking Internet We managed to Stay in Regular Contact Via the Phone (Landline because Yup No Smart Phones, No Cell Phones Either at this Time). As the Time Past Mike and I started to Toss around the Idea of Me coming Down during the Summer to Visit Him in Alabama. The Only Problem was I was a fucking High School Student so I had No fucking Funds to Arrange Travel or Pay for fucking Anything for that Matter. Lucky for Me My Parents at one Point felt Bad enough for ME that They said They would Bankroll the Trip.
So with the Financial Aspect taken care of Mike and I set Up a Date and My Parents Purchased the Plane Tickets I was all set. It was the First Time I flew Alone, Yet it really wasn’t that Big a Deal whatsoever everything went Smoothly according to Plan. Though I had to take a Connecting Flight and when I showed Up and All the Passengers were assembled were Escorted Out of the Terminal onto the fucking Tarmac. It was then I was told on the fucking Spot that the Tiny Ass Town I was Visiting was So goddamn Small it Didn’t even have a fucking Airport. Since the Town Lacked an Actual Airport I, Along with My Fellow Travelers, would have to Board some fucking Small Puddle Jumper of a Plane that had fucking Propellers and shit. Can’t and Won’t Lie that shit was fucking Intense because it just Didn’t feel Safe worth a Damn, But alls well that Ends Well and I arrived without incident.
Now there was Another Issue Mike and I had to Deal with outside of the Trip’s Finances which was Essentially Don’s Religious Beliefs. As I mentioned Don was a Perfect Example of a Born Again, Bible Thumping, Christian fucking Fanatic with an Unhealthy Obsession for Jesus. The Conflict came from the Fact I was a Anti-Religion Pro-Atheist Delinquent who Loved Heavy Metal Music (NOT Hair/Glam Metal so Fuck Poison and Fuck Kiss), Loved Horror Movies (and still Do), and being a Defiant Teenager had a Fascination with the Shock Value of Satan and Satanism. All these Factors Combined made Me the Embodiment of of Don’s Christian Fears of Evil and did Not Hide the Fact He didn’t like Me in the Least. Don Didn’t Preach to Me or Try to Persecute or Convert Me He wasn’t one of those Aggressive Overbearing Christians Don was just an Extremely Out Spoken Christ Lover.
So about a Week or Two I was on the Phone with Mike and We were Excited about the Me coming to Visit when Mike Started Laughing His Ass Off. I asked Mike what was so fucking Funny and was Totally Unprepared for the Answer. Once Mike managed to get His Laughter under Control he let Me know Don wasn’t at all amused about My coming to Visit. In Fact Don was so Upset about Me coming Down He Actually Told to Mike “He’s Going to bring The Devil to Alabama!” which made Me laugh My ass off Too.
Of Course being Teenagers We Not Only Ignored and Mocked Don for His Irrational Satanic Fear, but We came to the Conclusion that We HAD to fuck with Don as Much as Possible during My Visit. So the Day Finally came and I made My way Down to No Where Alabama where Mike picked Me up from the Poor Exuse of a Dinky fucking Airport. We headed Directly to Mike’s House so I could Unload My Luggage, and We could figure out what the fuck to Do in the Tiny, No micro, Town is Backwoods Alabama. Of Course Don was Home because I failed to Mention Earlier was a Chronically Unemployed Parasitic Bum who lived off the fucking Disability (Yet No One knew what the fuck it was, and I doubt that it was legit) and Government Cheese. As soon as We walked into the Kitchen Don was Sitting at the Kitchen Table Feasting on Junk Food while watching Some Talk Show Trash. As soon as He realized We were there He looked up and made a Weird fucking Face somewhere between Disgust and Panic. Needless to Say He got up and Cleared Out of the Kitchen in a matter of fucking Seconds.
Don’s Hasty Exit only served to Encourage Us to fuck with Him as Much as We possibly Could. One thing that Worked in Our Favor being Teens Mike and I tending to Stay up until 4 or 5 in the Morning. This Proved to be a Great Advantage for Mindfucking Don since He believed in The Witching Hour (12:00 am) AND The Devil’s Hour (3:00 am). Honestly is Almost Too fucking Easy to the Point where at One Point Almost called Off Our Tiraid because it was again EXTREMELY EASY to Harass Don. During the Early Hours of the Morning Mike and I would Walk Aimlessly around the House making Random Banging, Rattling, and Thumping Various things like a Haunted House come to Life. We also Started Mumbling Either Incoherently Under Our Breath or Whispering in Made Up Imitation Latin trying to be Creepy as fuck. And it Worked by Day 3 of My Visit Don went Out and Bought this Cheap Door Security Alarm which was a Device Someone could Hang on a Door Knob. Once the Alarm was in Place and Armed if Anyone fucked with said Door it would Trigger the Alarm to Activate.
We proceeded to Ramp things Up by Leaving Pieces of Paper Laying around with Pentagrams, 666 (The Number of the Beast), and Doodles of Devils or Demons for Don to Find like a Morbid Easter Egg Hunt. We also repeatedly Left an Ouija Board with a List of Occult Based Questions along with Bullshit Spells/Incantations on them as if We were Practicing Demonology or some other Dark Art. The Ouija Board Utterly Terrified Don who Assumed that We were Conjuring Evil Spirits Against Him or Perhaps Casting Curses upon Him. After just a Few Days Our Antics had Don on the Verge of a Full Blown fucking Panic Attack. If He saw Us He made it Painfully Obvious He was Desperately Trying to Avoid Us at All Costs and His Mental Health was Waining. By the End of My Trip to visit Mike We had Utterly Destroyed Don’s Concept of Reality having Brought most things He feared right to His Doorstep. Apparently according to Mike at a Later Date told Me that in His Opinion Don Never Fully recovered from My Visit which Delighted Me to No End.
A Couple Years after My Visit Mike Informed Me He had one Day come Home from Work to find Don sitting in the Kitchen with a Loaded Rifle resting on the Table. Don was Blatently having some sort of Mental Break Down and was Babbling about Murdering Mike, Mike’s Family, and the Evils of the World that Stood Against Him. Mike being Either Incredibly Brave or Insanely Stupid Managed to Wrestle the Rifle from Don and Lock it in His Truck to Keep it Out of Don’s Demented Hands. Many Years Past and the Last I ever Heard of Don was that He been Diagnosed with a Severer Case of Adult Diabetes Type 2. In the End Don designed His Own Demise because He Out Right Refused to Follow ANY and ALL Dietary Restrictions that come with Diabetes. As a Result of Don Disregarding His Doctor’s Order Don’s Health went Down Hill Quite Quickly. Eventually Don’s Disastrous Diet led to His Eventual Down Fall. I had Vowed as a Teen that I would Not Piss but Shit on Don’s Grave something I have Yet to Do.
It is What it Is,
By Les Sober
The FYB Collective