Once Upon a Time in the Small Village of Fuckery in the Province of Whorebitch lived a truly lovely Couple Kunt & Kunty Twat or The Twats as They were known in the Village.
Today was a Dark Day in the Twat Household as Their beloved and bit of an asshole Cat Mrs. Pickle Tits had in fact gone Tits Up during the Night. The Twats took the passing of Their cherished Feline especially hard since The Twats had always wanted to have Kids. Mrs. Twat had in deed gotten Pregnant Once.
The Night that She gave Birth having Eaten an Exorbitant amount of Canned Curry She thought Her Labor Pains were just a wicked case of Gaseous Indigestion and paid it No Mind.
After a Serious Bout of Busting Ass Mrs. Twat staggered to the near by Bathroom to Vacate Her batshit Bowels. In all the confusion of Mrs. Twat transforming into a one Woman Curry Fueled Shitnado had failed to realize She had in fact given Birth at all. Mrs. Twat never having given Birth before simply Didn’t Know what it felt like. Once Mrs. Twat had Flushed the Toilet, and stood up She turned around (to take a sneak peek of Poop) just in time to see a Tiny Pair of Flailing Legs get Sucked Down the Drain.
(DO NOT FEAR DEAR READERS The Baby LIVED!!! We will See The Baby AGAIN SOON!!! It’s Called Foreshadowing for Fuck’s Sake.)
So instead of trying to Bang Out another Baby The Twats decided to just get a Cat, and named it Mrs. Pickle Tits in Honor of Mr. Twats’s Dead Mother. Any Way Mrs. Pickle Tits had a Very Long and Illustrious Life of 27 Years, 27 Days to be exact with the Twats.
Mr. Twat as Per Mrs. Pickle Tit’s Last Will and Testament had Her Cremated, but having No Local Vet to help arrange the Cremation Mr. Twat preformed the Cremation by Himself in the Back Yard. Mr. Twat Removed the Grill from the BBQ, stacked a series of Logs in said BBQ, Placed Mrs. Pickle Tits on Top, Doused the entire thing in Highly Flammable Fluid, and Lit the son of a bitch up like the fucking Hindenburg. After 12 hours at a steady 2,700 Degrees Mrs. Pickle Tits was reduced to nothing but Ashes which Mr. Twat collected and placed in a Zip Lock Sandwich Baggie.
All that was Left now was for the Forlorn Twats to take the Long walk on the Cockstone Cobbled Medieval Road that ran through the Town that Ended when it reached Mrs. Pickle Tit’s Beloved Open Bluffs. The Twats had a feeble Breakfast since They were in Morning before Mr. Twat put Mrs. Pickle Tits’s Ashes in His Pocket, and the Couple Headed Out to the Bluffs.
As The Couple Walked They passed by Many of the Villages Businesses and Shops that lined either side of the Ancient Village Lanes. There was Highball Haberdashery run by long time Friend of the Family Harry Balls, and there was Crotch Meats the Villages Butcher.
As The Twats walked farther On They Passed the Volunteer Non Profit “Mammograms for My Mammy!” Van parked on the Street giving Free Mammograms to any Villager who wanted One. Its true Once Village Resident Dick Fart had had one two many Pints down at the Villages finest (and only) Drinking Establishment The Rigorous Pig. Proprietor and Sole Bartender of the Rigorous Pig Leland Lush’s family had been running for 17 Generations.
Well After Wild Night of Binge Drinking at The Pig (as The Locals Referred to the Pub) Dick Fart had really got a hell of a Drunk On as He really tied His Tits in Two that Particular Evening. Finally Leland cut Dick Off once and For all that Night He wondered onto the MMM Van and Drunkenly Demanded a Mammogram. So to Oblige The Drunk and Confused Mr. Fart the Technicians preformed a Mammogram using Mr. Phart’s Testicles in Lou of Breasts.
A few minutes into Their walk the Twats reached the Village’s Central Town Square where the Elderly Women of the Village spent Their Days sitting in the Sun Gossiping and Airing Out Their Crotches with the assistance of a Hand Fans. Mrs. Twat just so happened to see Her dearest Friend Clitoris Coitus or Clitty as She was known in the Village sitting on in the Square Lazily fanning Her Crotch and bitching about Baking.
“Hello Clitty How are You Today?” Asked Mrs. Twat Politely in Passing.
“Oh Tis’ a dick of a Day so may as well fuck it.” responded Clitty crankily as the intensifying Heat of Summer had left Her Stink Ditch especially Sweaty.
“Ah Yes, Yes. Well We are off to Sprinkle Mrs. Pickle Tits’s Ashes over the Ocean from the Bluffs.” said Mrs. Twat who had become custom to ignoring Clitty’s obscene Life Lessons as the Couple resumed Their Walk to the Bluffs with Mrs. Pickle Tits’s Ashes in Tow.
The Twats had reached the Outskirts of the Village where the Octopus Processing Plant was located. You see Fuckery is the Number One Suppler of the World’s Octopus Spreed which was a delight among Fans of Appetizers. Outside of the Processing Plant stood Jarvis Jerkoff (real last name Jeroff, but because He was know to be an asshole of a Human Being The Villager’s reverted to calling Him Jerkoff instead) apparently pulling Crabs out of His ample Forrest of Pubic Hair. As The Twats passed by never taking Their eyes off the Odd Sexual Grooming underway by Jerkoff.
At one Point Jerkoff took notice of the Couple strolling by, and Glared with utter contempt at Them.
“You wanna save some Crabs for Your Dastardly Dinner You Pickled Pair of Pricks?!” Snarled Jerkoff seething with Disgust.
It was bad enough The Twats had just lost Their Precious Pet, but now having to take shit from Jerkoff the Village Jerk Off was too much for Mr. Twat to bare. What Jerkoff didn’t know was Mr. Twat was ExMilitary having Served 17 Years in the Queen’s Army, and so He was trained in all varieties of Combat. Mr. Twat without saying a thing, without uttering a single Syllable kicked Jerkoff squarely in His crooked cock which Mr. Twat followed up with then pulling Jerkoff’s pimply Scrotum up over His head.
Jerkoff completely blinded by His severely stretched out ball bag, and in a good amount of Pain from the Kick putting a King Sized Kink in His cock as well staggered around like a Drunken Zombie. Mr. Twat then proceeded to Grab Jerkoff and flip Him Ass over Elbows while holding Him around the waist, and before Poor Old Jerkoff knew what Hit Him Mr. Twat executed a flawless Text Book Pile Driver upon the already Hurt and Humiliated Jerkoff.
The incredible impact from the Pile Driver sent a Geyser of Violent Diarrhea Pungent Smelling Piss, and a fucked up Fountain of Jizz to explode forth from Mr. Jerkoff up to Eight Feet in the Air. The Twats continued on leaving the Unconscious Jarvis Jerkoff lying in a Pool of His own assorted Bodily Fluids.
Once the Twats had arrived at Their destination Mr. Twat removed the plastic sandwich Baggie containing Mrs. Pickle Tits’s Ashes as the Two prepared for the Final Farewell. Just as the Twats were almost finished Praying and were about to cast Mrs. Pickle Tits’s Ashes out over the Ocean They heard a noise. The noise was coming from the Cliff that rose a staggering 1,200 feet above the Ocean to form the exact Bluff They were standing on.
All of a sudden a Large, Webbed hand appeared over the Cliff Line followed by yet Another. The Two webbed Hands took hold of the Earth and with great effort and skill hoisted the rest of the Individual’s body up from the Cliff Face onto the Bluff itself. The Twats found Themselves staring in totally disbelief directly at a Real Life Merman sitting now before Them.
“It is I Otto AquaPoon Your Long Lost Son that was accidentally flushed down the Toilet into the Open Ocean. There a Clan of Merpeople found Me Floating Aimlessly on the Waves, and took Me in as One of Their Own.” announced The Merman with Gusto.
“Well it’s nice to see aside from the Dreadful Accident things worked out well for You Son.” said Mrs. Twat still in the Throws of Shock and Awe.
“You look to be a Fine Strapping Young Man outside of being Half Fish.” pointed out Mr. Twat doing the best He could to keep His shit together.
“IT IS NO ACCIDENT that TODAY I have returned to find You here. I’ve been watching You from the Wake and I Know Your here because your Dear Kitty Mrs. Pickle Tits has met Her demise. I am here to give Her the one thing You never gave me a Happy Existence.” said Otto Aquapoon confidently in a somewhat Ominous Tone.
Aquapoon snatched Mrs. Pickle Tits’s Ashes from His Father and regurgitated a healthy amount of Ocean Water into the Sandwich Baggie containing the Dead Cat’s Ashes. He took a minute to insure the ashes and Open water had thoroughly mixed before removing the Now Clay life Contents and sculpting an exact replica of Mrs. Pickle Tits. Once the Sculpture was complete Poontangler forcefully removed one of His Merman Scales, ground it up in His hands, and using a Reed like a Straw Blew the ground Up Merscale directly up Mrs. Pickle Tits’s ass.
Mrs. Pickle Tits immediately sprung back to Life completely Healthy and Happy. The Twats couldn’t believe the Resurrection of Their moments ago Deceased Cat. Before the Twats could even begin to comprehend what the hell had just taken place Poontangler dressed Them once again.
“Your Cat had Returned to You as I Promised. Now Father got Home and Shit Yourself Sane. Mother I want You to go Home as well Before I have to Slap You Sane.” summarized Poontangler who at the end of His sentence dove Back into the Briny Deep Never to be Seen Again.
The Befuddled Twats took Mrs. Pickle Tits Home with Them where They had a Cup of Tea, a Shot of Brandy, and then Went to Bed.
(What I told You the Kid DIDN’T DIE, and that We’d SEE HIM AGAIN SOOn. I didn’t say it be a Happy ass Hallmark Ending did I?! No I Didn’t.)
Thanks for Reading,
By Les Sober