After the Hubbub from the Pickled Toe Incident Owner Bud Wiser went back to Lazily wiping down the Bar as His wicked Smokers Cough was getting the Better of Him. Bud Coughed, Wheezed, and Cleared His Throat as He trudged back and forth behind the Bar muttering to Himself about whatever was irking Him at the Time. The great deal of Dust that Hung in the Air lingering throughout the day reminded Bud of Sea Monkey’s though He didn’t consciously know why. Bud took a moment to Survey the Bar as there wasn’t Anyone lurking in the Pawnshop.
Shitty Nickels was sitting in the far Corner strumming on a beat up piece of shit Guitar He had found discarded in the Trash last Week. Shitty Nickels had been joined by His friend and fellow musician Sexx Fuckin. Sexx Fuckin according to Anyone You asked who was in the know wa Considered to be the Premier Slide Guitar Player Either side of the Mississippi. The two Friends reminisced about Days Long Gone by over a Couple of Stiff Drinks as a cloud of Cigarette Smoke enveloped Their Heads.
Degenerate Gambler Harry Twat had taken off for the Dog Track the Instant the Pickled Toe Bet concluded to seek His Fortune in Winnings. Mickey Drongo was still sitting at the Bar Sipping Beer and Downing Shots of Cheap Rotgut Whiskey.
After winning the Pickled Toe bet and Collecting His prize of One Pickled Egg Bawbag Cockwomble had wondered out into the Streets to Panhandle for His Nightly Drinking Money. Bawbag in fact made a pretty fucking Penny Panhandling since He had a perfect Place to Post Up at a Busy Intersection that was Constantly Choked up with Commuters. The Commuters for Their part were to Impatient or Uncomfortable with a Filthy Half Insane looking Homeless Panhandler that They quickly handed Him Spare change (or a couple of Bills if He was Lucky) just to Not have to Deal with Him.
Pissy Wristy the Local Hooker and Her would be petty Drug Dealing Pimp Jimmy Tosser who always Dreamed Big and had Aspirations of Becoming a Full Blown Pimp were in the Bathroom for a Nooner. Bud waited a reasonable amount of time as to be respectful if You will before barging into the bAthroom like a Rabid Bull, and kicked the Two Degenerates Out back into the Bar. Bud wasn’t in the habit of Evicting His Clientele unless it was Absolutely the Only Option since Keeping His Customers Drinking was His Primary Goal. Once the Half Drunk and quite Disheveled Couple came Clamoring Out of the Bathroom and stumbled into the Back into the Bar took up Residence in a Booth where Pissy passed out from the Drinking, Drugging, and Hooking She had done the Previous Evening. Jimmy sat like a Bump on a Log fiddling with His New Burner Phone like an Intoxicated Caveman.
As for the Local Neighborhood Junkie Dickey Dullard was Shooting Pool by Himself accept for the Fact He was so fucking High He was Nodding Out while Lining Up His Shots. Bud started to Sweep the Floor which He did as part of His Daily Routine enjoying the Brief moment of Silence that allowed Him to Collect His Thoughts for once. It was Funny Bud thought after casting a Eye on Dickey how No Matter how fucking High a Junkie got, Even if They got so Wasted They were in fact Higher than God They Never fell over. Dickie was a perfect example of this principle as He was Doped Up out of His Skull and attempting to Shoot Pool. Dickey was like a Heroin Addicted Weeble Wobble that would Sway, Lean, Twist, Turn, and Contort in any number of Fashions WITHOUT ever Falling Down. Junkies seemed to possess a Insane Intoxicated sense of Balance Bud concluded as He put the Broom away in the Utility Closet.
“Bloody” Sod Bollocks strode into the Bar in an uncharacteristically Pleasant mood. Sod was a Bare Knuckles Boxing Champ (and Money Collected for Loan Sharks and Bookies alike) back in His home Country of England, but Sod had Immigrated to the U.S. after being Charged with Accidentally Killing a Drunken Soccer Hooligan. Apparently Sod had punched the Drunk Hooligan so hard in the fucking Face that He in fact Died right where He fell. In Spite of Being self Admittedly Uneducated as He left School after 8th Grade to Work in a Factory, and having spent just over 10 Years in the Bare Knuckle Boxing World being constantly Beaten in the Head considered Himself to be Rather an Intellectual. In reality Sod was No Where close to being Intelligent due to the Fact He was a fucking Idiot. Sod stood in the middle of the Bar for a moment before taking a eat at the Bar.
“Hey Bud let Me get a Pint of Guinness and the Clicker for the TV if You Please.” said Sob Boisterously. While Sod waited for Bud to bring Him his drink Sod dolly tossed Peanuts at Dickey while making Exploding sounds when they Hit. Dickey remained completely unfazed by the Assault of Legumes that was befalling Him as He was slurring His Speech while calling His shots to No One in particular and drooling on Himself a bit in the Process. Once Sod grew tired of fucking with Dickey and getting nothing in Response turned around to once again face the Bar and started to read the Graffiti that had been carved into the Antique Oak Wood Bar over the Many Years. It didn’t take Sod long to grow tired as well as irritated of reading the Graffiti especially since He had trouble reading and was looking to get good and Drunk as Fast as Humanly Possible.
“BUD! BUD OLD BOY?! How about that fucking Pint I’m fucking Dying of Dehydration over here I fucking swear I am,” questioned Sod angrily, “What the fuck is this Bud, fuck is going on? I mean I can’t get a Pint from a Bartender then there is a real fucking Problem yeah?!”
“Hold Your Alcoholic Horses,” Bud bitched back at Sod, “I have to get the Pawnshop shit in Order before the Customers show up and the like.”
“Why Don’t You go and Hire someone to man the Pawnshop while You man the Bar seeing as I said your the fucking Bartender Here. Customers don’t want to have to wait for their Drinks while You run over to Man the Pawnshop Customers or No Customers. All I’m saying is its Doesn’t pay to be a Cheap Old Bastard.”
“Thanks for Your input,” Bud said Sarcastically, “I simply don’t have enough disposable income around this place to Hire an Employee to work the Pawnshop.”
“Just get some sucker to do it, don’t You have a Kid or Nephew or some thing like that that you can Hire and pay next to Nothing because it’s the Family Business?! I mean Families do that sort of shit all the Time. I fully believe its the only fucking reason People have Kids its for the fuckingFree Labor.” retorted Sod defiantly.
“No My Kid is grown so He resents Me, and My Brother is a complete Asshole so His Kids are complete Assholes too. Believe Me I’d love a Helping Hand around Here especially as I’m getting on in Years, But like I said Who’d I Hire?” replied Bud with Brutal Honesty.
Stay Tuned for the Next Installment of Another Day at The Cock’n Balls: Evening
COMING SOON.
Thanks for Reading,
By Les Sober