Creative Writing – Page 11

The Hell In Holidays

So We at the Peak aka the Worst time of the Holiday Season being Post Thanksgiving Pre Christmas. Especially this Year since the Calendar Up and Decided to fuck Us out of a Week, and subsequently Additional Paycheck by Scheduling Christmas 3 (Not the Standard 4) Weeks from Thanksgiving. This took the Hellacious Holliday Rigamarole up a Serious Notch or Two I Didn’t Honestly think it would matter, but I was Wrong. Very Wrong.

We Apologize that New Content has been Sporadic as of Late due to The Hectic Holiday Season. We will do Our Best to Post what We can When We can between Now and The New Year. Holidays here Equal a good bit of Traveling which Only Adds to the Christmas Chaos. Posting will Resume it’s Consistency and an Increase in Content at The Beginning of the New Year on January 2nd (since We will all be Hungover like a Motherfucker New Years Day) Thank You for Baring with Us through the Horrific Holidays.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Stress Kills (0.01)

Smeldy pulled into the Last Parking Space in the entire Parking Lot Not by choice mind you, but because there simply wasn’t anywhere else He could have possibly Park. To say Smelly detested Shopping would be the understatement of the Millennium as Smedly HATED IT. He Hated it with every fucking fiber of His being. It was the actual act of Shopping that enraged Him so it was all the Other Shoppers that were the source of Smedly’s Anti-Shopping Hate.

This was a ongoing Theme in Smedly’s Life. Smedly for all intents and purposes Despised People and the Humanity in General. This was why Smedley didn’t Drive unless He had to He loved Driving itself, But again it was all the Other Drivers that sucked the fun out for Him. Also and for the same Reason Smedly avoided Sports Bars which tended to be Crowded, Loud, and Full of Personality Types He found despicable (The Sports Fanatic the one’s who refer to their favorite Team as “Our Team” or the Overly Macho Frat Boy Types that use Sports as a Reason to Binge Drink. Lastly Smedly hated Eat in Public as He had a serious and extreme aversion to People looking or Staring at Him especially when He was Eating.

The Trend of 24 Hour Big Box Stores such as Walmart for example were a Godsend for Smedly as it alleviated the Other Shoppers Issue. He could walk right in and move freely around the Store collecting His purchases in relative Peace. The Only other living Souls in the Entire Place where a COuple of Cashiers, and the Overnight Stocking Crew. Smedly found this pleasing as He could conduct His entire shopping trip without seeing a single other Human Being it was almost like He was the Last Man On Earth (the idea of which suited Smedly just fine).

Unfortunately Today Smedly was in Dire need of Assorted Odds and Ends, and it just so happened to be the Weekend which meant everyone and Their fucking Mothers were Off work and Running Errands all damn Day Long. Smedly sighed as He walked briskly towards the Glutton’s Grocery Store in anticipation of the Fresh Hell lying in wait for Him inside. Smedly was a Typical Commando Shopper. This in part was what made the act of Shopping during Normal Business Hours so Miserable for Smedly. A Commando Shopper has a short and concise list of a Handful of Purchases that They need to make, and They retrieve them quickly as humanly possible. Once the Purchase have been collected the Commando Shopper makes a Direct B-line towards the Nearest Cashier with Payment Method in Hand enabling them to Check out Quickly as They Can.

Smelly hit the Front Door like a fucking out of control Battering Ram and was immediately met with a Variable Sea of Shoppers. As Smedly scanned the Store just after entering in Contempt as The Shopping Scene He was about to Enter into was definitely as Big a Pain in the Ass as He had thought it would be. It appeared the Entire Population of the State was out doing Their Weekly Shopping Smedly thought to Himself angrily. Smedly set off delving into the Ocean of Consumers as He devised an optimal Shopping Strategy to Assist in making this Shopping Trip Less Hellish than it had to be.

Smedly decided to Start in the Dairy department since He needed some Milk and then He would work His way across the Store to the Other side picking up what He needed on the Way. Smedly was having trouble navigating through the Herd of Shoppers as They wondered aimlessly around the Store utterly oblivious to Their surroundings. The Principle for success was the same in Auto Racing Smedly thought to Himself Angrily. Like in Auto Racing the Key to getting a Head is locating an opening in-between Your Opponent that You can squeeze through to get ahead.

Smedly reached the Dairy case only to find the Part of the Dairy case that Housed the Milk was currently being blocked by a Self Absorbed Soccer Mom with a Full Cart and Several unruly Children Running amok as She idols chatted on Her Cell Phone. Patience was a Virtue that Smedly was sadly Born without so it took only a brief moment before Smedly lost His temper succumbing to His Growing Frustration. Smedly announced Loudly to No One in particular that it was truly Amazing how Self Centered People became when They were on Their goddamn Cell Phones. The Woman then annoyingly told whoever She was talking to to Hold on a minute, shot Smedly a Aggressive Stare that clearly read as “Eat Shit” before rounding up Her Children, and Finally getting the fuck out of the Way already.

Smedly snatched up a Gallon of Milk like a Hawk snatching it Prey right out of Thin Air. Next Smedly needed Eggs so He walked down to the Egg section of the Dairy Area where He was accosted by a Little Old Man who looked to be over a Hundred Years Old. As Smedly was inspecting Cartons of Eggs to insure none where cracked or in any other way Damaged The Little Old Man who was a complete Stranger moseyed over and stood right next to Smedly. The Old Man launched into a diatribe about how to properly select eggs, and that He grew up on a Farm, and that His father was a Farmer and His Father before Him. Smedly honestly didn’t want to be Rude as He felt guilty snapping at Senior Citizens inspect of Showing Them the Respect They Deserved. Smedly metaphorically almost Bit His Tongue in two Trying to keep His shit together. At last Smedly couldn’t stand the inane babbling of the Old Man and promptly told Him thank you for the helpful hints, and God Bless the Farmers before making a hasty exit.

Smedly circumvented the Store amassing His Purchases as best He could having to deal with Slow Old Ladys pushing over loaded Shopping carts full of canned Cat food, the Swarms of Aggitated Children Who’s Parents didn’t seem to give a fuck about how their kids acted especially in Public, the Idle Shoppers who stand periodically in front of the Selves staring intently at the Products as if They are expecting to Learn the meaning of Life, the Young Couples that wasted time and clogged up isles with Their over abundant displays of Affection, the Loners who walk down the isles like a Death Row Prisoner as They head to Execution, the cell phone shoppers that had to price compare every single item them purchase, the Cell Phone Zombies who come to complete standstill wherever They are and post up like a fucking a Volunteer Tree, and the Indecisive Shoppers that spend Their time taking items off the shelves only to look at it, and place it back on the shelf before removing yet another item over and over like their trapped in a fucking Loop.

The Line was occupationally long reminding Smedly of the Line at a Theme Park one of the Ones that You stand in for an Hour and a Half for a 3 minute ride. The Line inched along at a painfully slow pace which only served to irritate Smedly further. When Smedly felt He had reached full bullshit saturation (and was in real risk of creating a sense that would inevitable get Him banned for Life from the Store) He smartly asked the Young Man behind Him who was purchasing a 12 pack of PBR and a Frozen Pizza if He would hold His place in Line since He inconveniently had to Use the Bathroom which wasn’t an lie entirely. While Smedly didn’t actually need to Use the Bathroom He was headed there none the Less as the Bathroom was the only place Smedly could get a modicum of Silence and a small dose of Privacy.

As Smedly entered the Bathroom He became aware of some Hipster Business Man standing at the Urinal emptying His bladder while talking loudly on His Blue Tooth Ear Piece. Smedly had a special hate in His heart for Blue Tooth Ear Pieces which did serve a purpose when it came to Driver Safety outside of a Car though a Blue Tooth Ear Piece was Unnecessary and Asinine. Not only was this Guy jabbering away while using the Facilities He was waving His right arm around like a Air Traffic Controller with Wild abandon which almost lead to Him inadvertently smacking a few Shoppers as They made Their way to the Bathroom sinks. Smedly instantly judged then Man was an all around asshole, and Someone should fucking do something since this Guy obviously needed to be felt with. Smedly then accepted the fact that the person He was thinking of would have to be Him as No One else seemed to be Volunteering to do so.

Once the Bathroom was empty accept for the Two of Them Smedly slid up behind the Blue Tooth Guy and applied a chock hold that would make a Boa Constrictor Jealous. Smedly then dragged the shocked Blue Tooth Guy backwards into the Handicapped Stall. Once in the Stall Smedly frantically fidgeted with one hand to engage the Door Latch which He finally accomplished by almost breaking His wrist in the Process. Once the Door was Latched Smedly swung the Man around so He was facing the Toilet, and then pushed the Man down to His Knees still applying the Choke Hold like His life depended on it. Then Smedly released the Choke Hold and using all of His strength and with His full weight behind it Shoved The Man’s face directly into the Toilet. The Man attempted to use His arms to keep from being slammed face first into the toilet bowl, but Smedly used His feet to stomp on the Man’s hands forcing Him to let go of the Toilet Seat.

To add insult to injury the Toilet had been apparently been used several times without being flushed so Once the Man’s face was submerged and He was struggling with all His Might Smedly decided to keep the MAn’s head pinned in the Toilet with His Foot to avoid the disgusting Mess. As Smedly stood there with His foot firmly planted on the back of the Man’s Head Smedly thought to Himself that the Drowning was taking longer than Usual, and that this Guy must have the Lung capacity of an Olympic Swimmer or some shit. Smedly was aware that His window of opportunity was closing as the Guy was making a great deal of noise and it was just a matter of time before another Shopper came in to vacate Their Bowels.

Smedly who had always been able to think on His feet realized what He had to do and do it fast. Smedly took His foot off on the back of the Man’s head for a split millisecond before bringing it down like a Sledge Hammer down at the Base of the Man’s Skull. The Man’s neck snapped with a loud Pop as if a Giant was cracking its knuckles, and the Mans arms dropped like a bad transmission as His body went limp. At last the Job was done and there was one less asshole in the world, well that’s how Smedly felt about in anyways. Smedly calmly Hoisted the Dead Man’s Lifeless Body up into the Seated position on the Toilet. He then pulled down the Man’s pants to sell the look that He wasn’t Dead, but using the Bathroom like any living Person. Smedly peaked out of the Stall to insure that coast os clear before exiting swiftly without making a sound like a Demon’s Whisper.

Smedly made His way back to His Cashier in the nick of time as He was Next in line. Smedly Thanked the Young Man for being cool enough to save His place for Him while He went to the Bathroom. The Young Man said it was no problem since it happens to everyone at least once in Their Lives. Smedly happily agreed as He paid the Cashier. With His purchases bagged up and in His Cart Smedly calmly left the Grocery Store, loaded the Groceries into His car, carefully shut the Trunk of His Car, hopped in, and Drove Off with a Smile on His Face feeling completely Stress Free.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

The Serpentine Cemetery

Today fucking Sucks. Earlier this Year My 14 year Old Colombian Boa Constrictor Adabeese Died of Old Age leaving Me rather Devastated. The Silver Lining was I still had My Ball Python Named Monty (an Ode to The British Comedy Troupe Monty Python) to Focus My Time and Attention which Helped Me to deal with Adabeese’s Unfortunate but Unavoidable Demise.

Tragically enough I found Monty Dead in His Cage presumably also due to Old Age. And to Add Insult to Injury Monty looked Happy, Healthy, and Bright Eyed Yesterday, just to End Up Dead Today. That’s the One Problem with Owning Snakes (and Reptiles in General) is Being Utterly Undomesticated They have the Natural Instinct of the Wild which dictates One Hide all Illness. In the Wild a Sick Animal is an instant Bullseye on its back as far as Predators are concerned (Example Wolves in Alaska will Target the Feeble and Elderly or the Sick/Injured Members in a Herd of Elk)

This simply mean Bottom Line You Won’t Know There is Something Wrong Until it’s too Late if Disease is a Factor. In this case as I said earlier Monty’s demise was Age Related One would assume since Upon inspection Monty didn’t display any of the Usual Characteristics of Disease, but then again I have No Idea what was going on Inside of Monty. I can only do an exterior inspection and use only Visual Observations, But I know enough about Reptiles having Owned Quite a Few Through Out My Life time (A Couple of Iguana’s, Ball Python, Blue Tongued Skink, Anoles, Colombian Python, and Bearded Dragon. Plus working for Veterinarians who worked with treated Exotics was a BIG PLUS).

I Don’t expect Anyone but Other Snake/Reptile Owners to be able to Empathize with the Passing of a Pet Reptile such as My Snake(s). Reptile Owner’s are the Only Ones Who actually and Truly understand the Profound Bond that Forms between a Pet Reptile and Its Owner. I’m a Man of a Thousand words That has real trouble keeping His opinions to Himself and His Mouth Shut. And Still I Can’t Explain it, its hard to put Feelings into Words Sometimes (unless its one of the Major Ones like Love, Anger, Happy, Hateful)

Anyway I didn’t finish the Post I planned on Posting Today as I am at a Loss since Discovering Monty’s Passing Earlier Today, YET Life Goes on and So Do I. So Until Tomorrow I bid You A-due.

Thanks for Understanding,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (52/365)

“Relax it’s a Cliche Cop Tactic. While He runs Our names for outstanding Warrants and the Like He is also watching Us intently.” said Lee breaking His self imposed Silence.

“Why is He watching Us He already pulled Us over. What need would there be for Him to watch Us?” asked the Driver Nervously His voice wavering slightly with Anxiety and a little Angst.

“He’s watching Us and Intentionally taking His Time. He’s doing it to make Us Tense, I mean that’s the Point. If We get Nervous because say We have Something to Hide or Especially if We’re Guilty of Something We would undoubtedly Crack under the Pressure. And When We cracked We’d fuck up Some How You know like Give Something Away. We could Panic and make a Run for it, We could Nervously glance over at the Car or Something Similar. That’s the Guilty Mentality Our beloved Cop Friend is Currently Searching for.” chimed in Dizzy His Voice Flat and Monotone having been greatly Sobered by the Run in with the Law.

The Trio returned to quietly Sitting on the Curb as They waited for the Cop to Return with His Verdict on If/ Who could possible be in Legal Trouble as a Result of the Situation. As Lee sat He couldn’t help thinking to Himself this, THIS was the Part of being Pulled Over He Hated the Most of All. The Public Shaming that Occurs when You’re Pulled Over is what Lee found to be Utterly Embarrassing. Sitting in Your Car or Worse in this Case on the fucking Curb as an Onslaught of Other People as They Drive by Rubber Necking like the Motherfuckers They Are.

The fucking Hypocrisy of it struck a Nerve in Lee like a 12 Pound Sledge Hammer. All These People Driving by with look of Condemnation or Vague Disgust as if They had never been Pulled Over before at some fucking Point in Their Lives. How quickly They forgot the Humiliation of being Treated like a fucking Idiot by a Callous Uncaring Cop aside from the Parade of Pretentious Pricks Driving by Leering Away. People are Shit Lee summized once Again when The Cop Finally came Striding back Over walking Heavily so His Boots made a Deep, but Audible Thumping sound as He Clomped Across the Asphalt like an asshole.

“Alright Listen Up as I’m saying this Once and Once Only. Benny (which was the Driver’s Name if Dizzy or Lee had actually asked Him) if there is a Victim in this Scenario then it’s You. Obviously theses to Gentlemen are Obviously Intoxicated, and They’re Bigger than You so They just Bullied You into this Idiocy to begin with. My Point is I have No doubt You didn’t participate willingly.”said the Cop matter of Factly without Blinking an Eye.

The Cop then Dismissed Benny who got in His Car and drove off as Fast as He dared. The Cop then told Dizzy and Lee They could Stand if They wished. Lee was instantly Irritated by the Cop’s Statement. What the fuck was the Point OF COURSE They rather Stand like Men then be Assigned to Sit on the Curb like a Misbehaving Kid.

“As for You Two I’m going to Let You Off with a Stern Warning. I really don’t have the Time to Attend to Juvenile Bullshit when there is REAL Crimes being Committed. So I suggest You do One of Two things Gentlemen You either Go Home and Sleep it Off, Or if You insist on Going Out there is a Bus Stop right around the Corner. And let ME make this ABUNDANTLY CLEAR if I have to Deal with You Two Again I will Arrest You I Guarantee You That.” said The Cop in a seriously Authoritative Tone as He stared at Dizzy and Lee unflinchingly.

Stay Tuned For The Next Volatile Installment Of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (53/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober.

Millennials, a Bistro, and a Whole Lot of Bullshit.

This Weekend My Wife and I went to see Her Cousin Ave compete in that Weekend’s Auto Races since Ave had become an Adamant Racer several years ago, but this was the First time My Wife and I were able to Attend. After the Race We got the pleasure of meeting His Pit Crew so to Speak as They were Working Their Asses off at the Time, and We were Afforded an Up Close and Personal look at His Race Car. Ave’s Parents Kay and Jay along with Ave’s Wife Steph were there though They didn’t attend a great deal of Ave’s races. This was simply because Watching Ave Race was/is Nerve Wracking to Say the Least for His Mother and His Wife.

After Hanging out for awhile Behind The Scenes We left the Race Track and headed for Our Dinning Destination for the Evening just a short 15 minutes Away called Pompous Bistro and Beer Garden. Since Ave was the one who made the Reservation (and I trust Ave), AND with Beer Garden in the Name I was Highly Optimistic.

You see I rather Eat in than Eat Out honestly since Restaurants can be a Huge fucking Hassle especially if You’re Not a Trend Chasing Hipster Lemming or a fucking Foodie. In Addition I am NOT a Fine Dining Person fucking Period. I am Reviled by the so called Luxurious Fine Dinning Experience I find it Disgusting all Around and on All Levels. The Whole Arrogant Elitist Pomp and Circumstance feeling, nay believing They are Superior to Others based on Their fucking Bank Accounts. They can Administer Fas Gras Enema’s to Each other for all I fucking Care, but as For Now on the Subject of Alleged Fine Dining I Digress.

We pulled up outside and parked on the Street My Wife’s Family had already arrived, and We walked Through a Gate into a Maze like Garden that really was kind of cool. As We walked around a winding trail through the Garden making Our way to the Hostess there were Little outlets a few with Fire Pits, a Couple Lounge Areas, and several Tables Intertwined throughout. There was so much Vegetation along with an Abundant amount of Flora and Fauna that the Garden had an underlying Jungle feel to it.

At last We reached The Hostess station which was located Outside of the Main Building as it were. I say Building because it was a Mediterranean Style Outside Dinning area where there No Actual Walls there’s just Shades hanging in-between Pillars to Keep the Sun out of Dinners Eyes. I’ve seen this Concept in the Islands of The Great Southern Swamp, and what I have always wondered, and still do is How the hell Do You Keep People from Robbing/Vandalizing the Your Establishment if THERE NO FUCKING WALLS?!

Anyway We meet up with My Wife’s Family Who were Seated already when a Overtly Dramatic Millennial Euro Trash Waitress sauntered lazily up to Our Table. She was Wearing a Sun Dress with a Plunging Neck Line so there was plenty of Opportunities to Show Off Her Collection of Pretentious Tattoos. She had every fucking Cliche in the Book of Hipster Tattoos there was the Traditional Ying Yang, OM Sign, Buddha Statue, Lotus Flower, The Joshua Tree, A Japanese Coy Fish, a Fairy, The Symbol for the Female Sex, an Elaborately Done Peace Sign, and at Least 3 Asian Characters that Adorned Her Arms, Shoulders, and Neck.

She Talked as if She was Bored as Fuck and could care facing Less about Us or any Other Customers. As She stood at the head of Or Table with Her head Slightly Tilted to one side, and a Vacant Stare into the Horizon informed Us of the Following. Apparently the Bistro had recently Implemented a New Policy Our Food Would NOT be coming out all Together BUT rather randomly when ever it is or isn’t ready. This concept of Theirs goes against fucking Common Sense as it Utterly fucking Transforms the Dinning Experience into One Drawn Out 3 Ring Bullshit Culinary Circus.

Going Out to Eat is at the Heart about Spending time and converting with Friends and Family over Food. That is why Real Restaurants rely on Timing as one of the Key Principles/Factors of Service in The Food MUST GO OUT TOGETHER NEVER SEPARATELY. This Provides for the Meal and Social Gatherings Cohesiveness and Efficiency on All Fronts. Bottom Line: No One Likes or Wants to be The Person at the Table that Doesn’t have Their Food Point Blank.

We gave The Euro Trash Hipster Our drink Order and though the Sign claimed this was a Beer Garden it was unlike any fucking Beer Garden I’ve been to Before. Usually a Beer Garden is a Large Banquet Hall lined with Rows of Tables and Benches, and They have a Very Distinct Bavarian (German) Theme to It. There is also Large crowds of Happy Beer Loving Binge Drinkers Hooting and Howling with Laughter in Total Abandon. I say this because when I looked on the Menu There was No Beer List. There was a Wine List and a Cocktail Menu, but again Not a single piece of Literature on the Table pertained to Beer. As I was annoyingly glaring around I noticed a Floor to Ceiling Black Board with the Title “NO CRAP ON TAP” at the Top. Under the Header was a short list of 8 to 10 Craft Beers I was Unfamiliar with, and that was it that was Their Beer Garden Concept.

We got Our drinks and about 25 minutes or so a Stereotypical Portland/Seattle/Colorado Millennial Girl sporting a Bright Plad Flannel Shirt, Jeans, and Sneakers arrived at Our table. She gave Us the Specials which I didn’t pay attention to. She then goes into a LONGER DISCLAIMER that Due to the New Policy Our Food would NOT be coming out Together but rather whenever the fuck its ready. I ordered a Bowl of Lobster Mac and Cheese, My Wife Had one of those European Meat and Cheese Samplers, Ave and Steph ordered Tacos, and Kay Ordered the Lobster Mac and Cheese with an additional House Salad, and Jay ordered two Hot dishes I forget what they were.

40 minutes Later the First couple Dishes come out and, Ironically All the Dishes were Hot Dishes while the Salad and Cold Meat and Cheese Plate did Not. Again this makes No fucking sense since Obviously a fucking House Salad and Cold Meat and Cheese Plate should have been first since They were the Easiest to Fix. About half an Hour passes as the next few Items came in a On going Bizarre Fashion. My Wife’s Aunt Kay was Served Her Mac and Cheese 20 Minutes BEFORE Her House Salad was served. Also why the fuck You wouldn’t prepare the Two Orders of Mac and Cheese since I had order it as well at the same Time and serve them accordingly, But I was left in the Lurch as it were.

Finally everyone But My Wife and I had not only been Served They had completely finished. And since We had to kill so much fucking time waiting on Our Food that was slowly trickling out of the Kitchen We had exhausted virtually every topic of Conversation. Everyone was Tired from the Days Affairs and having Eaten where Now Succumbing to the Tiredness that comes with Digestion. Then My Wife’s food came to the Table directly followed by Mine. Now My Wife’s Family was being as cool as shit about it it was still apparent They were ready to Head on Home. It didn’t matter unfortunately even though They were being cool You can’t get Your food last and NOT feel fucking rushed, and that sucks since You go out to Enjoy your food and not feel like You have to Eat it fast as fuck since it came out so goddamn late.

The Worst Part was the Perky Flannel Millennial Girl kept popping by Our table periodically, and was trying to be all uplifting and positive TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS to the fact that the Entire Table was slowing becoming fed up with Their Food Service. Honestly if We weren’t having Dinner with My Wife’s Family I would have walked the fuck out as soon as the Euro Trash Millennial made the Initial New Service Policy Statement. And of course I’m trying like a Motherfucker to bite My Tongue and play it cool since I’m with My In laws and Not absolutely Loose My Shit since You couldn’t designed a Restaurant I could have Hated any More Than I fucking Hated Pompous Bistro I fucking assure You. I just kept envisioning snapping and Choke Slamming The Millennial Food Server wearing 1950’s Librarian Black Rim Glasses, and a Wool Knit Hat (so He looked like the Lost Member of Cold Play or some shit) through a fucking Table.

At last the Painfully Drawn Out Affair was done accept Now (and I don’t have a fucking clue WHY) Some People at Our Table wanted Dessert. Mind You had some unfinished Business that I had to attend to later that Evening, and it was a 90 minute Drive back to where I needed to be to do so. My Wife saw Me cringe with Contempt and the mention of Dessert reassured Me it was just Ice Cream with a Pastry or something similar So it should be that Bad. I responded by saying that We were dealing with complete culinary idiocy being felt out by a Cliche Cast of Mind Numbing Millennial Trendy Hipster Sons of Bitches.

Seriously it Took an HOUR before a House Salad that had been ordered actually made it to the Table not to Mention Her Cold Meat and Cheese Deal that essentially came out Dead Last. My Point being I had No Faith in these fucking Fools, and Any Possible Good Will had Faded Away Long, Long Ago. I wanted just One thing and one thing Only. I wanted to Leave Immediately at that Point in the Evening. Just under Half an Hour later The 3 Ice Cream Desserts Arrived, We ate Then quickly, Paid, and Left Never to Return.

I still Can’t wrap My head around such a Obviously Outrageously Idiotic Service, and No One I have asked Plenty of Whom Have Experience be it Past or Present in the Restaurant Service Industry. All I have come up with is Pompous Bistro was Built as a Monument to The Mundane Millennial Lifestyle where No One makes Plans, Shit Just Happens, and Where People can Lounge Around all Day with No Concerns or Responsibilities. Who cares when Their food comes When They have No Where To Be and Nothing To Do other than Obsess about Social Media, Play Moronic Games on Their Smart Phones, Stream Netflix for 12 Hours StraightBinge Watching Bullshit, Idly fucking around with Apps, and Sitting Around Working on Their Never Going to Happen Screen Play.

Thanks for Reading,

by Les Sober

A Tale of Two Dogs

My Wife and I were Driving Down a Desolate Road that runs through the Wooded Countryside about an Hour away. We saw the Car which was a ways down the Road in front of Us Pump its Brake Lights before pulling over and Parking on the side of the Road. Once the Car was parked what appeared to be a Soccer Mom Hopped out looking a bit Rattled. My Wife wondered Aloud what was going on with the Whole Soccer Mom thing was about. It was then I informed My Wife that I saw something Running around in the Road. It appeared to an Animal (that I safely assumed was a Dog considering our Location and Surrounding) about 40 Feet In Front of the Soccer Mom who was Now Standing on the Side of the Road watching Whatever was in the Road intently.

We pulled over and Parked to see what was Exactly going on, and to see if We might be of Service in some way which was the Case. We walked up to the Soccer Mom who was still standing motionless in the same spot on the Side of the Road. As We were walking up to the Woman We noticed that it was in fact a Dog that looked Friendly enough, but at the same Time a Bit Leary of Strangers. The Soccer Mom told US that the Reason She had stoped was She had seen the Dog wondering in the Road, and when She got nearer to the Dog it started Nervously Zig Zagging back and forth across the Road.

Now while this was a what most would call a “Back Road” there was virtually No traffic to Speak of. That didn’t mean the Dog was Safe from being Struck and more than likely Killed by a Car You see on These lone Roads People use Speed Limits as fucking Suggestions. Suggestions They promptly Ignore and Speed like Sons of Bitches sometimes Crashing Their Vehicles and Accidentally Killing Themselves. The point being if Someone came Speeding down the Road and the Dog was in the Road there Sadly wouldn’t be jack shit Anyone could have done about it.

My Wife and I both Worked in the Veterinary Field for over 10 Years, are Pet People, and Avid Animal Lovers (Yes I’m one those Cliche Anti Social Stereotypes that Prefers the Company of Animals over that of His fellow Man) which definitely worked in Our Favor here. The Dog looked to be a Tan Hound or Hound Mix of Some Sort which made Perfect Sense for the Area where almost Everyone Hunts, and that makes Hunting Dogs a Extremely Valuable Commodity in the Community.

We knelt down and The Dog came to Us with No Objection or Fear and then We could get a better look at it. It was a Light Tan Female Hound Mix that was Lean as could be with a Solid Gray Muzzle that showed off Her advanced Age. Luckily for Us in this Case the Dog had a Not Only a Collar, but It had a Tag with Pertinent Information like Name and Owner’s Phone Number. Now I say Luckily because out in the Woods People have a Very Old School Attitude when it comes to Pet Dogs/ Farm Dogs/Country Dogs, but I’ll circle around back to that a Little later on.

The Next Issue We had to Combat was the that We were on such a Lonely Stretch of Highway Not one of the Three of Us could get a fucking Signal worth a Damn. Not only that but None of Us was from the Area as We were just like everyone else Driving Through on Their way Somewhere else. At last the Soccer Mom prevailed and got a Sketchy Signal and Called the Number on the Dog’s Collar while trying hard as hell not to more a single inch as to Not lose the Shaky Cell Signal. After a couple of Rings a Gruff and Unfriendly Man answered who took damn near 5 fucking Minutes to be able to Figure Out why the Soccer Mom was bothering Him with the Phone Call. The Man sounded like one of those Miserable Bastards that hates His Life and Has given Up all Hope so They spend the Remainder of His Days being a Deliberate Dick about it.

The Douchebag on the Phone tells Us (since the Phone was on Speaker) He lives 2 Hours away somewhere, It’s actually His Dad’s Dog, and since His Dad lived “In the Area” He suggested We turn the Dog loose, and She’d use Her instincts to get back Home. The Soccer Mom though to Her credit DID NOT and WAS NOT going to Leave the Dog alone on the Side of the Road No Matter What since She thought the Dog was at Risk of Being Hit By a Car.

I couldn’t figure out if the Douchebag Son was being Difficult just for the sake of it (Though in all due fairness Out in those parts of the Woods People aren’t accustomed to Visitors, and are generally weary of Strangers/Outsiders) or if He simply couldn’t care less or What His deal was, BUT He simply ignored the Soccer Mom’s request for His Father’s Phone Number or Since He lived “In the Area” His address and She’d even drive the Dog back Home.

It was like I said all in vain as The Son just kept bitching about not Bothering to do shit, and just turning the Dog loose back on the Road where it was Found. Finally the Son begrudgingly told the Soccer Mom he’d Text Her His Father’s address, But His Father was currently at Work so Obviously He wouldn’t be Home. We waited trying to figure out if the Text was taking a while since reception was almost non existent out where We were OR if the Son being the Dickbag that He was had No Intention of sending said Text, and said so just to get the fuck off the Phone.

As We waited killing the Time by talking shit about what an asshole the Son was We suddenly noticed Not One but Two Other Additional Dogs wonder Out of the Woods and directly into the Road. They were a Pair of Labs One Yellow that seemed Skittish even from a far, and a Big Old Husky Chocolate Lab who turned out to be a Male crossed the Road to the side We were on, and lumbered on Down to see Us. As for His less than trusting Partner He/She opted to return into the Woods rather than come and see what We were about. And as Luck would have it the Chocolate Lab had a Collar and Tag too which in these parts was literally like Lighting Striking Twice I assure You. So again We proceeded to locate a Shady signal and call the Number on the Dog’s Collar and got Very Different Results to say the Least.

The Young Man on the Phone was Surprised His Dog had gotten out of the Yard, and even made the comment The Dog had never done so before. He said thank You for holding onto His Dog and Letting Him Know He was loose, and said He lived Near by and Was on His Way to Retrieve His Dog. About Ten Minutes Later or So a Large Jacked Up Pick Up Truck with Mud Caked Tires, and Hunting Dog Kennels/Cages in the occupying the Bed of the Truck came driving down the Road. The Chocolate Lab became more and more excited as the Truck Approached as He was well aware it was His Master Coming. The Truck pulled up and Stopped right next to Us before a Young Man looking to be in His Mid too Late Twenties climbed Out of the Cab dressed in Camouflage Pants, Neon Orange T-Shirt, John Dear Baseball Cap, and Beat Up Shit Kicker Boots.

He thanked Us again before letting US know That the Lab Named Pooh (I assume after Winnie-The-Pooh, but it could have been a Fecal Reference) was the Ripe Old Age of 10 though He didn’t seem to Know it, and had due to His age and Age oriented Hip Issues had recently been Retired from Hunting. The Young Man said it sucks because He honestly misses having Pooh with Him after a Decade Hunting together, but HE didn’t want to be the asshole who Runs His Dog all Day Hunting only to have the Dog’s Hips go to shit at the end of the Day. Unfortunately for Pooh He didn’t feel the same way about His Age because all Pooh Knew was the Thrill of the Hunt proving You can take the Dog out of the Hunt, But You can’t take the Hunt out of the Dog. The Young Man Attempted to get Pooh to load up into one of the Kennels/Cages in the Back of the Truck, which He did half assed being Pooh preferred to Ride in the Cab along with His Master. The Young Man joked that Pooh may not enjoy the Perks of Retirement as of Yet He has asserted that if He was in fact Retired then Why should He ride in the Back where the Current Hunting Dogs Rode. And with That the Young Man and Pooh Drove off towards Home.

While We were happy to get Pooh back where He belonged My Wife, Soccer Mom, Tan Dog, and Myself were still stuck in Our Original Dilemma. It Turned out that the Douchebag Son had texted His Father’s Address , and the Text had come in sometime while We were talking with Pooh’s Dad.As I said earlier None of Us knew where the hell We were, and We couldn’t GPS the Address since the Cell Reception was Abysmal. My Wife and I decided (due to the fact We had more Animal Experience along with a better Understanding of such things as Lost Pets) We would take the Dog Home thus relieving the Distressed Soccer Mom to Go on with Her Day. The Soccer Mom was quite thankful to be relieved of Duty at it were. The Soccer Mom thanked Us for stopping and Helping, and to have a Great Day before She drove off to wherever it was She was initially Headed.

Then We loaded Up the Dog who seemed comfortable with Cars into the Backseat, and proceeded to Drive for 6-7 minutes until We had decent Cell reception. Once We had reception We entered the Address into Google Maps and off We Went. It turned out The Tan Dog Lived a ways down a Dirt Road that if You didn’t know was there You’d miss it. After several minutes of getting the World’s Shittiest Message thanks to the uneven terrain arrived at the Dog’s House. The House was a Double Wide Mobile Home that was Set around 3 Blocks or so Back from the Dirt Road, and Had a Tall and Foreboding Fence Topped with Barbwire. There were signs plastered all over the Place From No Trespassing to Warning Cameras in Use making the Place seem even More Unwelcoming. It felt to Me like I was Standing On the Property line of some Mentally Ill, Severely Paranoid, Doomsday Preppier Conspiracy Theorist in a Tin Foil Hat holding a Shotgun.

We couldn’t hoist the Dog over the Fence so We located a Large Iron Cattle Gate that was being used to Block Access to the Driveway that had a Rusty Old Tow Chain wrapped around it to keep it closed. My Wife messed with the Chain and Realized there was No Pad Lock so all She had to do was uncoil the Chain and let the Dog back into the Yard. So We did just That accept as soon as We got the Dog back in the Yard it immediately Slipped Under the Cattle Gate since it was a Dirt Driveway the Dog had dug under it to get Free. This was a huge kick in the metaphorical Balls. We had at last gotten the Dog out of Harms way and Home only to be fucked over by a Shitty Gate Issue.

It was then I saw the Neighbor down the way arriving Home so I figured He might be useful in some manner. My Wife and I made the short trek down the Road to the Neighbors House, and walked up just as a Old Man was headed towards the Front Door. We called out and got His attention, and He came down the Drive to meet Us. He was a Very British Man who was a Nice as could possibly Be who informed Us He had seen the Dog running the Neighborhood several times before, but He hadn’t seen hide nor hair of The Dog in 6 weeks. Now I said I’d come back around to this and here We are as The British Gentlemen said there wasn’t a lot anyone could do in General since the “People around here have a very Country Attitude about Dogs”. This is why I said previously in this post that a Dog with a Collar was Uncommon and Tags are unheard of. In these Parts People put their Dogs out in the Morning, let them Run Amok, and Then the Dog(s) return Home for Dinner at Night. We chatted with the British Gentlemen a while longer and then started to make Our way back to Our car that was parked outside the Main Gate of The Dog’s House.

My Wife figured at least the Dog was back on familiar turf, and We had done al that We could have to Help, and I meanwhile was afraid as Soon as We started to Drive Off the Dog would Run After Us thus leaving the Issue Ultimately Unresolved. Thats when a Large White Pick Up Truck drove past us, Stopped, and Drove back to where We were in reverse. There was a pleasant Middle Aged Couple in the Truck that were the Neighbors that lived on the Opposite side of the Dog Owner’s Property, and were well acquainted with the Dog. We told them the Story and as We did the Dog hopped up into the Back of the Couple’s Pick Up. The Couple said they has seen Us and wanted to see if We needed Help because Our Car took a Shit on Us, and Not to Worry about the Dog. I felt a bit better that at least now there was someone else who could and was willing to keep an Eye on the Dog until Her idiotic owner returned Home from Work. As The Couple Drove Off the Dog gave Chase and I assume followed Them back to Their House which also made Me feel Better about things.

Now with BOTH Dogs back where They Belonged more or Less My Wife and I got into Our Car and went on Our Way.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (51/365)

The Smart Car began creeping down the Road at a Snails pace as the Driver was Teetering on the Edge of a Full Blown Panic Attack. The Driver’s Anxiety had shot up Astronomically having now Fully Realized the Consequences of the Situation He had gotten Himself Into. There was a Intoxicated Lunatic hanging onto the Back of His Car by the Rear Windshield Wiper which was both Dangerous and Illegal. Then again what could He possibly do about it in all reality? He had tried to Argue the Logic and Legalities as much as He could have, But Dizzy was Bigger, Intoxicated, and On the Verge of Becoming Who Knows How Violent?! It didn’t make sense to Run the Risk of getting Murdered by Dizzy on the Grimy Sidewalk Considering a Possible Run in with The Police whoHe was pretty Certain, unlike Dizzy, wouldn’t Kill Him. And in that Split instant is When the Driver Instinctually Decided Risking Arrest Triumphed Over Risking Death.

“My fucking Great Grandmother’s piece of shit Hover Round Motorized Chair goes faster than this Glorified Golf Cart, and I’d like to get where I’m going BEFORE I’m fucking Dead.” exclaimed Dizzy.

“Safety First.” responded the Driver trying hard as hell to sound confident while Praying Silently to Himself that His comment didn’t unlock another Level of Lunacy in Dizzy.

“We just got Lapped by DANCING DAVE which is fucking PHENOMENAL considering Dancing Dave DOESN’T MOVE! He’s STATIONARY AS SHIT! HE’S A STATUE OF LIVING FLESH for Christ’s Sake, and God ONLY knows How He just fucking Passed Us. So THAT’S a fucking Thing Now.” continued Dizzy Thoroughly Undeterred and Continuing His One Man Riot from the Rear of the Vehicle.

“You damn all know He’s Not going to Stop so You may as well at least go as Fast as You can Stand to right fucking Now and take it from there.” said Lee Knowingly.

“Look I don’t care if He kills Himself doing this ridiculous Juvenile bullshit, BUT I don’t want to fuck My Life up by going to Jail if He Does Die because I let Him do it.” stammered the Driver Uneasily as He could actually feel Himself slowly coming Undone as His Sanity Slipped further Away from Him.

The Smart Car arrived unceremoniously at the End of the Street where the Driver came to a gruelingly Cautious, and Complete Stop before turning Right onto a Main Street. The Driver’s Blinker hadn’t even have the time to Click Itself Off at the Completion of the Turn before the Blaring Police Lights filled the Driver’s Rear View Mirrors like the World’s Shittiest Circus You ever Saw in Your Life. The Driver breathed a Sigh of Relief because though He may be in some Legal Trouble He would soon be Free of the Madman that had Personally taken a Huge Stinking Shit on HIs Afternoon, and His basically Useless Side Kick Friend.

The Driver complied with the Police Officer and Immediately pulled over to the side of the road, pt the Car in Park, and turned off the Engine. He then proceeded to get His Documents in Order diligently collecting His License, Registration, and Proof of Insurance Ready and a Waiting for the Inevitable Police Officer’s Initial request. Thats when supposedly the Police Officer opted to Use the PA System in His Patrol Car as He barked out Orders. First He ordered Dizzy to Left go of the Wiper, get off the Skateboard, and take a Seat on the Curb. Once Dizzy was Seated the Officer Instructed The Driver to Slowly Exit the Vehicle with His Hands where He could See them. Once the Driver was out He too was Ordered to Sit on the Curb as well. Finally The Officer commanded Lee to do the same as the Driver had done. Now with all three sitting on the curb like a Group of Dejected Gargoyles the Officer finally got out of the Patrol Car.

The Officer stood stoically by His Cruiser pausing for full fucking Effect before taking His time walking over to the Guys Sitting Silently on the Curb. Once He was in front of The Driver, Dizzy, and Lee He took a few Moments to Pace Deliberately back and Forth trying to convey Authority, and Keep everyone on Edge.

“So Gentlemen Which One of You would like to Fill ME in on what Exactly is Going on Here?!” asked the Officer in a Low and Steady tone of Voice Devoid of any Emotion Whatsoever.

“Well I can.” said The Ride Driver volunteering Himself.

“No He can’t the Guy in spite of looking like a Reject from the Cats of The Big Bang Theory He’s an Absolute Idiot, The Guy doesn’t know how to Live Life Apparently.” quipped Dizzy Sarcastically while Leering Creepily at the Driver.

“Alright Enough Drama You Queens, Everyone lets see some Identification.” instructed the Officer Robotically having asked this Question countless times before that it had become Second Nature.

The Officer collected the Identifications and then Lazily flipped through them like they were Baseball Cards and He was assessing the Personal Statistics of Each of Them. The Officer then asked for the Driver’s Proof of Insurance and Registration before returning to His Patrol Car. Dizzy shifted His weight from one ass check to the Other as His ass started to go Numb from sitting on the Cement Curb. Lee tried to remain as Still as fucking Human possible for the Fear of doing Something that freaked the Officer Out resulting in Lee getting Mistakenly Shot and Killed on the Spot. The Driver sat hunched Over staring at His feet looking as Sad and Pathetic as Eeyore from Winnie-The-Pooh Children’s Books.

“What is He Doing He’s been sitting in His Patrol Car for over 11 minutes Almost already.” wondered the Driver Out Loud since He had never been pulled over before, and wasn’t sure what the fuck to Expect.

“He’s trying to figure out if He wants to Fill out the shit ton of Paperwork in the Case He does take Us into Custody Versus Simply Killing us and Disposing of Our Bodies at Some random Rural Dump Site in the Middle of No Man’s Land America.” Speculated Dizzy Snidely Deliberately trying to Agitate the Already Distraught Driver.

Stay Tuned for the Next Absurdity Based Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (52/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher ( 50/365)

“Well I do’t know about You, but I haven’t Eaten shit all goddamn day so I’d kill someone for a fucking Burger about now.” said Lee hoping the mention of Food would keep Dizzy’s Eyes on the Prize as it were.

Dizzy Who looked poised to Pounce on the Poor Misguided Ride Driver, and Gauge out the Driver’s Eye’s with His fucking thumbs. Then Dizzy sudden snapped back to Reality and darted into the Hotel Lobby like a Jack Rabbit with Its ass on Fire. Not a moment later Lee and the Driver who were left standing outside on the Sidewalk like a Bunch of assholes heard a commotion. It was loud enough for both of Them to hear, but it was still too distorted to make out what was being said. Whatever the Altercation was going on inside it was getting desernably Louder to the point Lee was beginning to wonder if He should see what was going on out of growing Concern.

Luckily before Lee had to take any sort of Action Dizzy reemerged carrying a Generic Toy Store Skateboard under His Arm and looking a bit Sweaty. Dizzy walked past Lee without saying a single word as He made His way to the back of the Smart Car. Once Dizzy reached the rear of the Car He stood there Transfixed in a Steely Stare glaring At the Rear Bumper. Dizzy appeared to be stuck in-between Deep Though and Overwhelming Anger as His face twisted and contorted while He was thinking silently to Himself.

“What are You doing Sir.” asked the Driver with a snide smile stretched across His face like Someone Who had One too Many fucking Facelifts.

“The fucking Bumper. I’m looking at the bumper OBVIOUSLY. The problem is this Outlandish excuse for a Car has a MINUSCULE fucking Bumper which I guess should be No fucking Surprise considering its Size is the Issue.” snarled Dizzy spitefully not even bothering to glance in the Driver’s Direct.

“What is the Skateboard for Exactly?” ask the Driver like a Cat playing with a Mouse before it Kills it.

“I was planning on fucking Riding the fucking thing while I hung on to the Bumper which apparently doesn’t fucking Exist.” replied Dizzy still half lost in Thought.

“I have to Inform You Both that Ride has a Strict No Bullshit Policy, and riding behind the Car on a Skateboard falls smack dab in the Middle of said Policy. That means I simply can not allow You or any Customer to engage in Illegal and Potentially Harmful or Fatal Activities that put Them, The Company, and Others in Harms Way.” chirped The Driver Triumphantly Grinning Ear to Ear as if He had somehow achieved a Checkmate situation.

“Well The Car is Far Beyond Insufficient it’s Thoroughly FUCKED! The Bumper is Fucked, This Situation is DEFINITELY fucked, and Most of All YOUR a Totally Fucked Human Being!!! So I’m declaring a Citizens Enactment of The Transportation Department Marshal Law Act motherfucker! This Empowers Me to set up Unconventional Answers to Unorthodox Issues, and with that said I’ll just hang the hell onto this Piece of Electric Uselessness’s rear Windshield Wiper. That’ll have to Work.” announced Dizzy defiantly with a Renewed Sense of Vigor.

“Absolutely Not didn’t You hear what I just Said regarding Company Policy?!!” demanded the Driver as He twitched with annoyance like a freshly crushed Insect.

“Yes I’m Not DEAF YOU ASSFACED DONKEY!! I have No Choice in the Matter and Neither DO YOU Dipshit. It is what it is so fuck it. Now let’s get fucking Going already We’ve wasted 45 fucking minutes of My Life already You belligerent Asshole.” answered Dizzy standing Toe to Toe Eye and Eye to Eye with the Driver though the Driver was significantly Smaller when it came to Physical Stature so Dizzy had a sort of Loomed over Him.

“Fine! Fine! You win I can’t stand here idly arguing with You any longer so let’s Go.” quipped the Driver exacerbated to the Umpteenth degree, and well aware that He would Most Definitely Lose in an any sort of Fight Scenario.

The Driver and Lee loaded Up into the Extremely cramped Confines of the Smart Car while Dizzy stood Stubbornly on the Cheap Children’s Skateboard grabbing onto the Rear Windshield Wiper like He was attempting to Strangle it to Death. Lee paused for a split second to thats fucking God that HE wasn’t Claustrophobic because He was pretty sure if He did He’d be back behind the Car with Dizzy for Crying Out Loud. The Car started with a Low and rather Pleasant Low Hum and They were Off.

Stay Tuned for the Next Invigorating Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (51/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (49/365)

The Driver walked around the Smart Car with Purpose, opened the Door, leaned in, checked the Charge Level for the Battery, and then walked Smugly back over to Dizzy.

“The Car has a Healthy 70% Charge Currently so We should be Fine.” said The Driver being a Passive Aggressive little shit.

“YOU DIDN’T ASK WHERE THE FUCK WE ARE GOING ASSHOLE!” Screamed Dizzy Now Fully Enraged with His Face turning Such a Deep Shade of Crimson. The Veins in His Neck stuck out like the Steel Cables of a Suspension Bridge as Sweat Started to trickle down Dizzy’s Face and into HIs Eyes.

“Sir You told the Dispatcher when You called for the Ride. The Dispatcher then Radioed Me, and Told Me where I could pick You up at, as well as where Your Destination so I could Determine if I wanted to take the Calls o to speak.” said the Guy smirking Triumphantly in full on Gloat Mode.

“FINE! I Digress on the Issue of Battery Life in that Glorified Bumper Car with Wheels You’r sporting there Sport.” respond Dizzy Vindictively fancily wiping the growing amount of sweat out of His eyes.

“I do have a Question though.” Lee said Speaking Up for the First time during the Ongoing War of the Smart Car, but He knew He needed Dizzy to chill the fuck out for Christ’s sake.

If Dizzy didn’t Relax He was bound to fucking have a Massive Embolism, Fall on His face Dead right there on the fucking Sidewalk. Lee didn’t have any real set Plans other than bumming around with Dizzy for Shits and Giggles, Yet He was pretty fucking sure HE didn’t have time to do with a Medical Emergency that Ended Promptly in a Fatality.

“Yes Sir how may I Best Address Your Question?” asked The Driver politely as He had no issue with Lee who again had been standing quietly in the Background. It wasn’t Lee’s fault His buddy was a being Completely Batshit Crazy for No real reason other than He apparently seemed to find issue with every fucking thing He came across. Ok well thought the Driver to Himself it did Say a little Something about Lee which was He had shitty taste in Friends. Still Bad Taste wasn’t a Crime.

“Well We are 3 grown Adults, and Your Smart Car can only accommodate 2 Adults at Best. So wouldn’t that result in You having to Drive each one of US to Our destination One at a fucking Time? That and if You have to Drive Us Separately then that will Tax Your Battery Double fucking Time which would Require You to Stop and Recharge between Trips?!” Lee questioned doing HIs best Not to come off like a Dick. He figured it was Safe to Assume at this point if The Driver had an Issue with Him Too He’d get bent and Bounce leaving the Two of Them Stranded with Their preverbal cocks in Their Hands.

“HOLY SHIT! I was so pissed that You had the absolute lack of common fucking sense since the Dispatcher called You with the Specifics of The Job! They had to have told You that You’d be picking up 2 Passengers right? Two Grown fucking Adults, Not a couple of Circus Midgets or a Pair of Quadruple Amputees?! NO THEY DIDN’T YOU GODDAMN DICK!” said Dizzy getting louder as He spoke apparently on the Verge of Launching The Second War of the Smart Car.

“The Dispatcher did inform Me that there would be 2 passengers that is True, but I figured You two could simply just sit on each others Laps I mean its not that long a Drive. According to My GPS it says the Crystal Diner is 17 minutes way.” respond The Driver cockily as if HE had just solved the World’s Most complex Brain Teaser.

“Sit on Each other’s Lap ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS YOU Snide Little Man Child Fuck, I’m Not paying My hard earned Cash to Ride around sitting on My Friends fucking Lap like a Little fucking Kid!” Snapped Dizzy Harshly nearly Hitting His Breaking Point.

“You could have Your Friend here sit on Your Lap if that Suits You Better Sir.” suggested the Driver jokingly trying to Lighten the Mood as Now He was getting nervous that Dizzy would simply Murder the Shit out of Him, Steal His Cash, and Drive off in His Smart Car regardless of His Loud Mouthed Bullshit Temper Tantrum on the Subject.

“DO YOU WANT TO DIE?! DO YOU? DO YOU WANT TO FUCKING DIE RIGHT HERE OUTSIDE THIS SHITTY OLD HOTEL/APPARTMENT BUILDING?! Obviously I’m not going to fucking Pay You to have My fucking Friend sit on MY LAP IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE Who sitting on Who COME THE FUCK ON!” seethed Dizzy through His teeth which were so Clenched they were beginning to Grind making a very Disturbing Sound like some object that has been pushed to it limit, and it was just a matter of Seconds before it Snapped Splintering into Fragments.

Stay Tuned For The Next Flabbergasting Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHERS

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Is There a Veterinarian in The House?!

I had been working in a Dog Kennel/ Boarding Facility when I decided to become a Veterinarian Technician or Vet Tech. It made sense since I liked working with Animals over People, and let’s face it Most People Suck a Bag of Dicks on the Daily. The problem was while I enjoyed working at the Dog Kennel but it wasn’t what one would call Intellectually Challenging in the Least, and the Day to Day routine had become mundanely Boring.

After looking for a while I landed a Job at a Near Veterinarian Clinic run by a Veterinarian named Dr. Yavid Yorn. I’m going to take a minute to clear up a quick question some Reader’s may be Wondering about so bare with Me. While there are Plenty of Schools that offer a Vet Tech Programs (which is fine by all means) in Reality Veterinarian’s prefer to Hire Someone with Experience, But being an Off the Street Newbie isn’t a deal breaker as Long as You are Reliable, Trainable, and a Hard Working Animal Lover with Initiative thats works just Fine.

There is an extremely simplistic reason for this. While having experience is obviously the Number One thing You can bring to the Table with a shit ton of Jobs not just Veterinary Medicine. The reason Vet’s are a Bit Leery of the School Educated Vet Tech because there is a HUGE fucking Difference between Restraining a Large Pissed off Dog in Real Life let’s say versus learning about Animal Restraint Techniques Strictly from a Book. Unfortunately School Educated Vet Tech’s tend to think They’re ready, but Veterinarian Medicine is all about Trial By Fire and They tend to Freeze Up.

Anyway back to Our story Already in Progress.

It was early in the Afternoon when a Woman called the to make a Rather Unusual Appointment. She told Me there had been an Illegal Chop Shop in Her Neighborhood that had a Big Ass Rottweiler Guarding the Property. Well the Chop Shop closed and when the assholes left they turned the fucking Dog loose onto the Streets. The Woman had seen the Dog roaming aimlessly around and had decided out of the Ignorance of Her heart to Feed it. Now that it been awhile the Woman wanted to bring in the Dog for an Exam to make sure everything is Kosher.

We made Her an Appointment as well as Informed Her this was NOT a Good/Smart idea as She knew absolutely NOTHING about the Dog like its Over All Temperament, Behaviors or Possible Triggers that could cause Sudden Aggression. We informed Her that just because She had been feeding the Dog Didn’t make this Situation a goddamn Disney motherfucking Movie not by a Long fucking Shot. We advised Her the Best thing to do was to Contact Animal Care and Control (ACC) which She declined to do. She didn’t have the Highest Opinion of ACC so She refused to even consider it as a viable and logical Answer, and Dr. Yorn Okayed the Appointment soWe made One for Her.

Looking back on it Now I can’t figure Out Why after telling Her all that WHY THE FUCK DR. YORN ALLOWED HER MAKE AN APPOINTMENT?! I mean can You say Red fucking Flag or WHAT?! After learning the so called History and relationship of the Woman and the Dog We didn’t just Hang the fuck Up DEFYS LOGIC as well as COMMON SENSE. It Literally was THE WORST FUCKING IDEA/OPTION We could have fucking Made Considering what We knew, BUT We Did because Dr. Yorn said to do so.

Time Passed uneventfully that was until The Woman with the Stray Chop Shop Rottweiler Showed Up. The Dog was a Prize Specimen looking to be 100 pounds or So of Pure fucking Muscle, and a Head as Big as a fucking Frozen Turkey. The Woman it turns out is 5 foot fucking Nothing and weighed no more than 90 fucking Pounds TOPS. The Dog comes barreling into the Waiting Room like a Bull in a China Shop dragging the Tiny Woman behind Him as She fought to hold on the the Leash. MORE AND MORE RED FLAGS. Dr. Yorn could have told Her Oh Hell No fuck that, but AGAIN HE DIDN’T.

Well needless to say the Clients in the Waiting Room were Less than Thrilled about this Development, and looked on the Verge of Panicking. Dr. Yorn directed US to escort the Woman and Dog directly into the Nearest Empty Exam Room which We Did. The fucked up thing is the Woman was Totally fucking Oblivious to what the fuck is really going on, and is actually Laughing like a Fucking Fool the entire fucking Time. I Know it’s Redundant, BUT STILL MORE RED FLAGS.

Dr. Yorn’s next decision was to Tell Me to go into the Exam Room with the Woman and have her Muzzle the Dog just so We could WEIGHT THE FUCKING THING (Red Fucking Flag!). I knew why He had chosen Me and I’m not being Sexist but the Other 3 Employees where 2 Petite Young Girls, and the Third was a Little Old Lady in her Mid 60’s. SO if You stop and think about it You could say based on the Other 3 Employees I was hired because I was obviously much Bigger, and desernably Stronger so isn’t that Sexist?!

Anyway I went in and handed the Muzzle to the Woman who is still giggling like a Drunk School Girl unaware that the Dog She is with is fully capable of KILLING HER, and Tossing HER MANGLED CORPSE around like a fucking Rag Doll. I then instruct Her on how to put the Muzzle on Correctly, BUT the Dog isn’t fucking having it. The Dog Keeps ducking, bobbing, and weaving to avoid the Muzzle put well on His Muzzle, and when the Woman did get the Muzzle in Place the Dog would rub against He leg and immediately dislodge it. Essentially We were getting absolutely fucking NO WHERE and the Dog was becoming More and More Agitated which was the Exact OPPOSITE of what We wanted to do all things Considered.

I was becoming EXTREMELY Uncomfortable as I saw this scenario going South REAL fucking Fast, and This was NOT the Dog to be fucking around with that was for Sure. I leaned forward slightly and pointed at the Loose Strap since the Woman was just Chuckling Her fucking head off, and really making things seriously Worse. Thats when the Dog Lunged at Me attempting to Lock onto My Left Forearm, BUT since I saw it coming so to Speak I had already begun to pull My Hand Back which prevented the Dog from being able to Bite it in which case I’d be Totally and Properly fucked. Instead of grabbing hold of My Forearm The Dog Bit… .how should I put this a “Chunk” of Flesh along with a little Muscle.

I remember clear as fucking Day being fucking Eye to Eye with the goddamn Dog and realized more likely than not the Dog was going to Release Me only so it could Attack again trying to Establish a Deadlier Hold on Me. Instinctively I Screamed “MOTHERFUCKER!” a loud a fuck right into the Dog’s fucking Face, and it worked as it effectively Startled the shit Out of the Dog confusing it enough to Let Go of My Arm while allowing Me to Escape out the Door like a Bolt of fucking Lightning. The Clients in the Waiting Room looked So Surprised it Looked as if They all had infant Shit Themselves Silly with Shock.

I made My way into the Medical Prep/ Pharmacy where My Co Workers cleaned the Wound, Disinfected it, and Bandaged it for Me. Now since the Dog was a Stray with No Known Vaccination Record or Rabies Tag meant I was Off to the Emergency Room for Rabies Treatment. Luckily for Me there had been Quite a few Advancements in Medicine including in the Treatment for the Prevention of Rabies in People Bitten by Wild Animal or Dogs and Cats without known Current (aka Valid) Rabies Vaccination. They used to Stab the Patient REPEATEDLY in the Abdomen with a SLEW OF INJECTIONS and was know it be EXTREMELY PLEASANT AKA PAINFUL.

Like I said though Luckily for Me I ended up getting an Entire Bag of IV Antibiotics, 4 Shots in My left Arm, 3 Shots in My Right Arm, One in My Left Ass Cheek, and One Shot at the Bite Sight. That means they give You SEVERAL INJECTIONS directly around the Wound which seems to be the Worst of Both Worlds. After the Shots and Intravenous Antibiotic regiment They released Me after Letting Me know I’d have to come Back periodically for subsequent follow up Injections to Finish the Entire Rabies Protocol. That was unless the Dog was Cleared as a Rabies Threat before the Treatment Shots were Done.

Now allow Me a moment to fill in any of Our Reader’s in on a Little fact. Until VERY recently there was only one Protocol for a Situation like this which is I go for Medical Treatment, and the Dog would be Surrendered (aka Turned Over) to Animal Care and Control. The Dog would remain Quarantined at Animal Care and Control until it was Promptly Euthanized after which its Head would be Severed, and its Brain Dissected for signs of Rabies. Though Morbid as a Motherfucker it was the Deemed the only effective way to handle the Situation.

A Few Years ago the Thinking on how to Handle said situation changed Dramatically. Those in the Know as it were had come to the Conclusion that since Rabies takes 10 Days before becoming Symptomatic so if a Dog per say with No Documented Rabies Vaccination Bit Someone it could be Kept in Quarantine for 10 Days. After 10 Days the Animal would start to become Systematic which is Impossible to Miss since it Involves such things as Staggering, Excessive Drooling, Irrational and Unusually Aggressive Behavior, and a Irrational Fear of Water as Rabies Rots and Erodes the Patients Brain and Nervous System. This way the Animal Didn’t have to be Killed Unnecessarily which Everyone Agreed was a Much Better than the Previous Method.

As Luck would have it the Dog was in the End Cleared and I didn’t have to finish out the Entire Regiment of Rabies Shots. I did though Have to go and get 2 Subsequent injections while the Dog was in Quarantine which sucked balls. I don’t mind getting Shots/Injections at this point in My Life, BUT I HATE WAITING LIKE MOTHERFUCKER. You see when You show up at the ER for a simple Shot You are obviously the LOWEST PRIORITY, and will Remain so Indefinitely. This means a SHIT TON of Waiting I’m talking fucking HOURS, But Alls Well That Ends Well.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober (2:21 am)