Creative Writing – Page 14

Another Day Down At The Old CNB Bar & Pawn

Bud Wiser was running an Hour Behind in His Daily Schedule since He had been up half the Night. Bud had the unpleasant Pleasure of being Sleep Deprived this Morning because His Dog had eaten a piece of Rotten Garbage out of the Kitchen Trash Can. The Rotten whatever the hell it was had given Bud’s Dear Dog a Violent Case of Projectile Diarrhea that had wrecked Havoc for most of the Night.

Fuck Me This is NO GOOD Bud thought Over and Over while Walking as fast as His Limp would allow Him to. Bud had a Very Distinctive Limp after an Alleged Accident at Work when a Kegerator Exploded (after being Sabotaged mind You) in an Assassination Attempt against Him that Never was Resolved nor Explained.

You see Bud was the Owner and Proprietor of the Local Favorite Water Hole The Cock’n Balls Pawnshop and Bar. Bud had inherited the Establishment from His Father Miller who had Opened The Cock’n Balls with a Unique Vision of Combining a Bar and Pawnshop All in One. His Father had Opened The Cock’n Balls in the Fall of 1966 on the Outskirts of the Small City of Nowhere Special. Bud’s Father opened the Doors of His Life Long Vision after Retiring from a Lengthy Career at The Handy Leg Up Artificial Limb Factory.

Bud’s Father had chosen the Name because the Rooster (aka a Cock) was on the Wiser Family Crest. This was sue to The Wiser Family having been the Most Predominate and Wealthy Lithuanian Chicken Farmers in all the Land. Since Pawnshops have been around for Thousands of Years when the Average Person couldn’t Read or Write the 3 Hanging Balls that had come to Symbolized Pawn Shops had been adapted to combat the Wide Spread Illiteracy of the General Public. So when You add them together Your left with the Simple and Explanatory Name The Cock’n Balls (and since the Bar Sign Company charged by the individual letter Bud’s Father opted to save the Cash and just Add Lib the ‘N instead).

The Day Bud’s Father Died His Body was Liquified, and Mixed into the Barfly’s Bloody Mary Mix. Then at the Memorial Service the Following Afternoon the Attendees were all given a Complimentary Bloody Mary to Celebrate the Life of (instead of Mourning the Death) of Miller Tyme.

Bud had preserved the exactly same Operational Proceeders that had been set out by His Father which included a Strict Adherence to Time to keep the Cock’n Balls running on Schedule. This meant Bud had to arrive at the Business No Later than 6 am in order to get the CNT (As it was referred to by its Loyal Regulars) Ready to Open at 7 am Sharp for the Upcoming Day’s Drama. Today though Bud was an Hour behind due to the damn Dog, and He knew the Booze Loving Barbarians would already be Standing about on the Corner waiting for Him to arrive. And He wasn’t wrong not by a Long Shot.

The Gang of Usual Suspects were Standing about Lingering on the Corner outside of the CNB Chain Smoking like Fiends, and pacing Impatiently while compulsively checking Their watches as if Their Lives fucking depended on it. The Group was Split between the CNB Regulars, and The Night Shift Crew who just got off the Assembly Line of one of the Near By Factories, and were just looking to Relax after Work even if They did get Off work at 7 am.

Some of the Regulars that had already arrived included Shitty Nickels the Local Blues Musician who had just Finished a Long Night of Playing at Numerous Local Night Clubs and Cocktail Lounges. There was “Bloody” Sod Bollocks a Self Proclaimed Intellectual who’s Family had immigrated from England back in 1495 just 3 years after the Pilgrims found Plymouth and its Famous Rock. The funny thing about the Bollock Family was even though They had immigrated over 500 years ago None of Them had Lost Their Thick English Accents.

There was The Local Bum Bawbag Cockwomble who spent His Days Panhandling and His Nights at The CNB Drinking away the Days Profits. There was also Mickey Drongo who Spent His Nights running an Illegal Chop Shop around the Corner from The CNB. Also there was Pissy Wristy the Neighborhood Hooker, and Jimmy Tosser the Local Small Time Drug Dealer. As Bud Approached the Corner Harry Twat who Spent His Days down at the Dog Track Gambling on Anything He possibly Could (the Only issue was Harry had truly shitty Luck) walked up. The Last to Show up was Dicky Dullard a Low Level Criminal, and Adamant Heroin Junkie who Lived to Chase the Dragon with Pride.

As Bud Walked Up He could hear Mickey Drongo and Bawbag Cockwomble arguing over Some asinine thing or an Other. Jesus They’re starting Early Today Bud thought while sighing under His Breath. All of a Sudden Bud’s presence was Announced aloud by Mickey Drongo the ChopShop Mechanic, and Immediately Bud was subjected to a Verbal Tidal Wave of Complaints, Criticisms, and just plain Bitching from the Small Group assembled on the Corner in front of CNB.

“Hold Yer goddamn Horses Already! God forbid You all have to Wait one minute more than Necessary without Whining like Ally Cats for a Tin of Tuna.” Bud Barked Angrily.

“Pardon Dear Proprietor while We do love You establishment it is rather unprofessional to keep your Clientele waiting for up to an Hour after the Posted Opening Time.” chimed in Sod Bollocks who had already collected the Days Papers in Hopeful Preparation for a Payday. Sod had been in a rather large Rut recently, and was running up Tabs all over Town as it were while He struggled to Win a Single Wager down at the Track.

“Well Hold Yer Horses a bit Longer, You may be ready but the Cock’n Balls isn’t. I have done any of the Prep needed for dealing with the like of Your Lot.” snapped Bud growing weary of the Barrage of on Complaints from the Barking Boozehounds standing at His Door Step.

Bud pushed His way through the Customers perched like Alcoholic Buzzards waiting for the Doors to Open so They could Feast on the Fluids of Fermentation. Bud fiddled with the finicky lock until it finally gave way and let Bud stagger inside abruptly closing the Door behind Him under the Crescendo of Cursing from His Customers as They would have to continue to wait.

Bud flicked on the Lights, checked to make sure the Toilet was still functional, inspected the Pool Cues to insure they weren’t broken or Warped, He doubled checked to make sure the Display Cases were Securely Locked, Wiped down the Bar, made Sure He had the Stock He needed, Unlocked the Door to the Basement which acted as a Make Shift Poor Man’s Drunk Tank for Overly Intoxicated and Uppity Patrons, and Cleaned off the Table Tops. Then after He was fully satisfied Bud Opened the Doors at Last to the Great Relief of His Awaiting Patrons.

The Customers came pouring in like the Booze They poured down Their Throats. At this time of Morning all the Customers Gravitated to the Bar as Pawn Shop Customers general started showing up in the Early Afternoon. The CNT was split in Half by a Row of Rickety Tables, and a Motley Crew of Mis Matched Bar Stools that looked like each had been Salvaged from the Garbage on the Curb.

Once You entered the CNB the L shaped Old Oak Bar was directly to the Left along the Wall, and Directly to the Right was the Designated Pawn Shop Area. The Pawn Shop consisted of Display Cases housing Power Tools, Various Electronics, and Most Expensive Inventory (such Designer Watches or High End Pieces of Jewelry) lined the Wall with a almost equally as Long Display Counter filled with a Slew of Different Merchandise (Knives, Antique Coins, Lower end Jewelry, and Other Curiosities.

Each of the awaiting Patrons slid up to the Bar ready to start killing Their Livers as Quickly as Humanly Possible. Now because Bud Opened the CNB at 7am He served a what His Father had Dubbed “The Barfly Breakfast Special” which consisted of a Hot Dog, Pickled Egg, and a Draft Beer for $1.99. The Breakfast option provided Fuel for the Factory Workers after a Long Shift Toiling away performing Manual Labor, and it provided Fuel for the Regulars fora Long and Lingering Day of Drinking.

Mickey Drong The Owner of a Neighborhood Chop Shop picked the Spot at the Bar that was directly across from the Shitty and Barely functioning TV that was Hung on the Back of the Bar reminiscent of the way Motels did back in the Day when Mounted TV’s were what everyone was into. Sitting Next to Mickey was Bawbag Cockwomble the Pan Handling Alcoholic Bum who was still Babbling a Mile a Minute in Mickey’s Ear.

“Just BUY a Goddamn Egg it’s Only .25 Cents for Fuck’s Sake, and I damn well know even YOU have a crummy Quarter.” Mickey said exacerbated and trying His best to remain Civil.

“Yeah Yeah I do have a Quarter, but its designated for My Morning Shot of Grain Alcohol that Perks Me up and gets My Day off to a Good Start. I mean I need it, it’s fucking medicinal. I wonder around the Block for 12-14 hours a Day and My feet get all fucked up, Swollen and Sore shit like that.” whined Bawbag like a Cranky Child who wanted a Toy but Who’s Parents wouldn’t buy it for Them.

“That’s not My Problem it sounds like Yours to Me.” Snapped Mickey Sharply as His growing agitation started to get the Best of Him.

“All I’m saying Mickey is if Your going to Buy the Breakfast Deal Meal then You could just GIVE Me the Pickled Egg that comes with it. I could use the fucking Protien to help Me keep on Keeping On.” replied Bawbag indignantly as He too was getting rather Agitated at Mickey for not Forking Over the Pickled Egg Portion of His Breakfast.

“I have a great idea that will Settle this Little issue You Two are in the Mist Of.”, said Harry Twat the Neighborhood Deaerate Gambler with a Sly Smile stretched across His Face.

“And Whats That?!” ask Mickey unenthusiastically as the Whole Ordeal was wearing on Him at this Point He just wanted to be Rid of Bawbag and enjoy His Breakfast.

“A Wager, a Simple Bet will Fix it. The Bet shall be Whoever Eats the most Vomit Enducing Pickled Product Wins. Either Bawbag wins and Gets Mickey’s Pickled Egg or Mickey Wins and Bawbag has to leave Him Alone for the Entire Week.” proclaimed Harry Happily as if He had just Cured Cancer.

” I’M IN!!”blurted Out Bawbag fingering Win or Loose He was Going to Get Something to Eat out of it so fuck it Why Not?!

“Fine, I’m in Too. Whatever get this Pain in My Ass to Shut Up and go the fuck away so I can Enjoy My Morning with some fucking Peace and fucking Quit.” said Mickey having become absolutely exhausted by Now.

The Commotion had gotten the Attention of the Entire Bar Who’s Interest was Growing by the Minute. Bud went to fetch His Pressure Pickler (which is basically a Pressure Cooker modified for Speeding up the Pickling Process) that He had bought on impulse late one Night while He was watching Infomercials to combat His Insomnia. Once Bud returned to the Bar within Seconds after the Bet was made the Suggestions came Flying Fast and Furious. Among the first set of Suggestions were:

Pickled Pigs Feet which Everyone Agreed were to Cliche to Count.

Pickled Pig Knuckles which Everyone thought was Better than Pig’s Feet but Still Not Impressive Enough.

Pickled Sausages Which actual turned into a Suggestion as an Addition to the Barfly Breakfast which Bud Agreed to do starting the Following Day.

Then the Suggestions began to get Uniquer and Stranger than the One before it. Shitty Nickels suggested Pickling a Cockroach, but Bud vetoed it because there were No Roaches in His Establishment and Didn’t See the point in Introducing Them Now.

Then Pissy Wristy suggested Pickling up some Tripe (Animal Stomach Lining) Next Dickey Dullard The Passionately Romantic Junkie suggested Pickling a Container of Head Cheese.

This was followed by Jimmy Tosser the Local Dope Dealer’s suggestion that instead of Head Cheese upping the Ante by using Chitterlings (Animal Intentions, Organs, Eye Balls Etc.all thrown together in a 5 Gallon Bucket) instead.

Then it was Harry Twat’s turn Who’s suggestion was to Pickle a Whole Haggis. After almost an Hour of Debate it was Bawbag who finally came up with the winning Suggestion.

“I Got it, I know what to Pickle! My Toe!” exclaimed Bawbag way more excited than He should have been.

“What are You saying exactly Bawbag?” ask Bud who was now becoming concerned that this Bar Bet had gotten completely Out of Hand.

“You see I have an Ingrown Toe Nail on My Big Toe that got Horribly Infected, But I didn’t have the Cash for the Clinic so I just banged it up as best I could and went about My Business.” explained Bawbag to the more than Attentive Bar Patrons.

“You could have gone to the fucking Free Clinic Bawbag You dumbfuck.” snarled Mickey who had become thoroughly Disgusted by the ongoing issue.

“No Way it got shut down last month due to Budget Cuts by the State and all that Red Tape Bullfuckery.” Bawbag retorted confidently.

“So what about Your Infected Toe again?!” asked Jimmy Tosser eager to return the topic of the Conversation to the Bet at Hand.

“Oh Yeah So it was all Infected and Shit so as time went on it Contracted Gangrene something fucking Ferocious too I tell Ya. It turned all Black from lack of Blood Flow and its already beginning to Rot Off so Why not kill 2 Birds with one Stone?! Win the Bet and get My Diseased Toe Amputated for Free I literally can’t fucking Loose.” bragged Bawbag growing quite Cocky.

“Fine Agreed The Bet is You have to Eat The Entire Severed Toe.” growled Mickey angrily.

“How the Hell are We going to Amputate it?!” wondered Pissy aloud.

“This is How We can use My Cigar Cutter to Lop it Off, and then all We have to do is Cauterize it. After that We apply some Triple Antibiotic Ointment, Wrap it up, and Thats It We’re Done.” said Shitty Nickels, “We did this kind of shit all the Time in Nam it’s easy if You know what the fuck You’re doing.”

The Bar Patrons along with Mickey and Bawbag made Their way over to the Nearest Table. Bawbag say down gingerly on one of the Wayward Stool and Then Took Off His Older than Old Beaten Up Boot. The Smell was so Pungently Rank it caused Pissy Wristy to instantly Vomit before Fainting. Bud picked Pissy Up off the Floor, set Her on the Bar, and revived Her by placing a Bottle of Cheap Gin under Her Nose like a Alcoholic Smelling Salts.

Bawbag paused to watch Bud take care of Pissy before He pealed off His rank Sock which made a Wet Sucking sound as Bawbag slowly removed it. The Smell which was already Over Powering the Bar immediately intensified to the Point Everyone’s Eyes started to Water, and Dickey Dullard shit Himself on the Spot.

Once Bawbag’s foot was Bare Shitty handed Him His Cigar Cutter which He crammed onto His Sickly Swollen Toe taking several minutes to Force it down to the Base of said Toe. Once the Cigar Cutter was in Place at Last Shitty Nickels instructed Bud to fetch the Ointment and Bandages from the Bar’s First Aid Kit. Shitty Nickels then had Harry retrieve a Large Butcher Knife that Bud used to Slice Lemons and Limes from behind the Bar. He then told Harry to start a Fire in the Tiny Metal Trash Can from the Bathroom. Then Shitty Nickels had Harry place the Blade of the Knife across the Top of the Trash Can so the Fire could Heat up the Knife until it was a Deep Glowing Orange.

Then Shitty Nickels had Bawbag place His foot flat on the Floor, Told Him He was going to count to 3, and on2 Shitty Stomped down with all His weight onto the Cigar Cutter. There was a brittle crunch and Bawbag’s Gangrenous Toe popped off and slid across the Bar floor coming to a stop under the Dilapidated Pool Table nestled in the Back of the Bar adjacent to the Restroom. Shitty pounced like a Cat of Coke snatching the Glowing Red Hot Knife and shoved it up against the Base of Bawbag’s recently Severed Toe . The Smell of Sizzling and partially Rotten Flesh drowned the Repulsive Smell of Bawbag’s Feet which most in Attendance appreciated especially Dickie and Pissy.

After 30 seconds or so Shitty removed the Knife tossing it carelessly onto the Bar causing Bud to lose His Shit. The Group returned to the Bar where Jimmy Tosser handed over Bawbag’s Diseased Digit over to Bud who plopped it unceremoniously into the Pressure Pickler and Turned it on. It seemed like an Eternity to the Eagerly Waiting Rag Tag Group of Drunks, but in Reality it was only 17 minutes before Bawbag’s Toe was completely Pickled.

Bud Opened the Pressure Pickler and Removed the Toe with a pair of Metal Salad Tongs, Placed it on a Cocktail Napkin, and handed it to Bawbag who seemed utterly unfazed by the whole Ordeal. Bawbag picked up His Toe examining it for a moment before tossing it into His Mouth. Bawbag chewed away until finally He Strained to Swallow. After some finagling Bawbag managed to get the Toe down, and then He opened His Mouth like Mental Patient to Visual Confirm He had in fact Swallowed the Toe. Bud stared blankly into Bawbag’s gaping Gullet before announcing Bawbag had completed the His Task thus making Him the Winner. Bawbag then turned to Mickey Drongo, Chuckled to Himself and the He said:

“I’ll be taking that Egg Now Mickey.”

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (39/365)

In All due Favor Lee had literally been the Last Person He Knew to Buy a Cell Phone because in the Beginning All He had to do was Borrow a Friends or Families Members or Even just Some Stranger on the Street. Eventually Lee Realized Cell Phones had integrated Themselves so Deep into American Society They had become an Actual fucking Necessity of Modern Life.

Unfortunately for Lee once He took His First Sip of the Cell Phone Kool Aid He couldn’t Stop Drinking it to save His fucking Life. Lee couldn’t help feeling like a Struggling Drug Addict Who wants Nothing more than to Finally Get Clean, BUT Who couldn’t Stop Using No matter How hard They try. Lee felt the same way about His Cell Phone He hated it, it fucked up His Daily Life with CONSTANT Interruptions and Annoyances, Yet on the Other Hand He believed He couldn’t Survive without it.

“GODDAMN IT!”exclaimed Dizzy with intense Annoyance that was Bordering on Anger, “I threw all My fucking Change at goddamn Dancing Dave.”

Dizzy the became Rifling through His pockets with the Speed and Coordination of a Drunken Pick Pocket. Dizzy kept Stabbing His hands haphazardly into His pockets like a Japanese Fisherman Harpooning a Whale while simultaneously going Insane. Lee watched for a while as Dizzy teetered on the Verge of Losing all Self Control before handing Him a Quarter.

“Jesus all this bullshit for a Quarter.” complained Dizzy with a great deal of contempt for the Situation. Dizzy jammed the Quarter into the Pay Phone Coin Slot like He was fucking Force Feeding it Spare Change Solely out of Spite.

As Lee’s eyes adjusted to the overbearing Gloom in the Minimal Lighting of the Slum of a Hotel He noticed the Entire Wall that the Pay Phone was Mounted on was tagged up with so much Graffiti You could see the Overlapping Layers. It appeared to Lee that the Medium of Choice for the Small Army of More Vandal then Graffiti Artists was Sharpe Markers. This seemed more of a Pastime for People Standing in the Lobby fucking around While Using the Pay Phone that was so Old the Numbers had almost been completely worn off with Countless Years of Use.

The Collection of Graffiti that Lined the Lobby Walls was Truly Exquisite not Just in Sheer Volume, but in Content as Well. There were the Standard Dirty Limericks, Crude Illustrations of Genitalia, Personal Insults, Obscene Comments, Angry Exclamations, Anti Authority Statements, Proclamations of Love and Hate, Street Artists Tags, Daily Observations, Bragging, Boasting, Shit Talking, Adult Humor, Replies written in Response to one Person by Another, Self Promotion, Violent Imagery, and Social Statements this Wall had it All and Then Some for Sure.

Be Sure to Tune in for Next Weeks Hair Raising Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (40/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober (12:45 am)

Beware of The Extended Warranty Scam (And A World’s Worst Scammer Award Nominee)

There is a Saying that Goes “You know how Once in a While You come across Someone You SHOULDN’T fuck with? That Person is ME.”

Just like Many of You out there I get My fair share of Scummy Phone Scammers calling Me for Time to Time. I’ve heard them ALL the SCAMS the IRS, Government Grant, Merriot Vacation, Tech Support, Tech Service Refund (there are Several Refund Scams), The Accidental Transferring of Money into My Bank Account that I’m told I need to “Repay”, and Now the Extended Warranty Scam.

This is by Far the Stupidest Scam conducted by The World’s Shittiest Scammer I have yet to Encounter. To say They were Amateur would be the fucking Understatement of the Century to say the Least. This Scammer was so Shitty it sounded as if this was Their First Day Scamming, and The Scam Itself was full of Holes. This wasn’t so much a Scam as it was a PATHETIC JOKE.

When this Warranty Scammer called Me I had a Free Minute and rather Bored (that combined with My UTTER CONTEMPT and HATE for Scammer Scumfucks, and Love of Several Youtube Scam Baiters) I figured why Not take a moment to fuck this Scammer’s Day Up as Much as Possible.

Here is the Conversation Virtually Verbatim Along with My Notations. Enjoy.

*My Phone Rings, I look at the Number and Realize its more likely than Not a Scam because if I know You then Your name or Company Name comes up on the Caller ID Deal. I decide to Answer Anyway.*

Les: “Hello?!”

Robo Call Automated Message: “Your Car Warranty has expired or is expiring soon. If You’re interested in the Purchase Extended Warranty Coverage Press 1, If You’re are Not Interested Press 2 to be put on Our Do Not Call List.”

*First off NEVER fall for the Do Not Call List Option as in this Case it COMPLETE BULLSHIT. Your number will simply be Recycled through Their Auto Dialing System. This message sounded like it was slapped together in a 3 Minute editing Session. The Voice was from Outdated Messages that Sounds like/Enunciates like a fucking Robot/Speak and Spell.

The Sentences were short and choppy it was obviously a compilation of sorts constructed out of Several Older Automated Messages (just like Dr. Frankenstein pieced His Monster together Haphazardly). It was Sloppy and Shady as all get Out.

Since I had the Time and needed something to Entertain Myself with I pressed 2. The Other Tip Off it was a Scam was the Interim Hold Music went Bum-De Bum- Bum on a Loop which is a CLASSIC Scammer Give Away.

Scammer: Hello?

Les: “Hello what can I do for You Today?”

*”Step into My Web” said the Spider to the Fly.*

Scammer: “Hi Yes We were calling You today because according to the Information We received You Car Warranty is Almost Expired and You will no longer have the Security a Warranty Provides. Would You like to Buy Extended Warranty coverage?”

*She never gave Me a Name Not even a Blatantly Fake one. She also Never Addressed Me by Name or as Mr. Sober, and Lastly She NEVER said WHAT COMPANY She was calling For/On behalf of. This Vagueness with Lack of ANY Pertinent Information is Also a DEAD GIVE AWAY. A lot of the Time these Sacks of Shit are simply Cold Calling People at Random, and Lack Any and All Vital Standard Details/Information.*

Les: “Warranties are useful its good to have Insurance so to Speak, Safety First is what I Say.”

Scammer” “Ok Good. We have a Few Different Options…..”

*I cut Her Off*

Les: “What do I Drive?”

*The Easiest Question I could Ask.*

Scammer:” What?”

Les: “WHAT do I DRIVE?!”

*If They in fact Knew My Warranty was Up then They would know the Basic details such as Make, Model, and Year of My Car. Obviously these Details are Needed for Verification Purposes. Without these Basic Details People could claim Any Car Old, New or Someone Else’s was the One Under Warranty thus causing the Issuing Company to Go Bankrupt faster than a Ferret Fart.*

Scammer: “I get My information from our Main Offices’s Official Head Quarters.”

*This wasn’t the Question I asked. I asked what Do I Drive, NOT where do you get Your Information From. Classic Scammer Avoidance Tactic. Also The Fake Companies, Departments, Agencies sound good until You stop for a fucking Split Second, and Realize that The Name makes No Sense whatsoever since its obviously Made Up. *

Les: “So Your Boss at Head Quarters knows My Warranty is about to Expire for My Car, But Has NO IDEA what I Drive? Thats rather Odd sounding.”

Scammer:”The Information We receive is……”

*Again I cut Her off*

Les: “I’m beginning to wonder if this call is Legitimate.”

*Statement like the One above make Scammers Nervous since what They are doing is COMPLETELY ILLEGAL. The fucking Irony is How fucking Defensive these Shitfuckers get When You call them out on Their bullshit Scam. It more than likely has to do with People being made More Aware, Educated, and Conscious of/on the Different Types of Scams (which is Generally Extremely Easy To Do. Example THE IRS DOESN’T TAKE GIFT CARDS AS PAYMENT.), and with the Popularity of Scam Baiters on Youtube increases the Exposure of the Scammer’s current Scams. Its all Very Bad for Their “Business”*

Scammer: “Sir, Sir What are You Talking About? What do You Mean?”

Les: “You call Me selling Warranty Coverage for My Car, BUT you have ZERO Details and Haven’t answered My Question which is Shady as Shady Gets You ask Me.”

Scammer: “Sir You have to Understand I’m in a Call Center, sitting in My Cubical I don’t have Access to such Information.”

*Chances are in Fact these Scammers where sitting around somewhere Using Their fucking Laptops which is Far more common these Days. 95% of the Call Center or Office Background Noise You Typically hear is a Generic Recording that They Play in the Back round in an Attempt to appear more Official. Being able to Operate Outside of the Traditional Call Center reduces the Risk of Being Caught in a Police Raid as Well which is convenient if You’re a Sleazy Scammer Scumbag. I didn’t want to Scare Her off since I still had some time to Kill so I glazed over My Last Statement like I never said it to begin with.*

Les: “So which Vehicle of Mine has a Warranty thats about to Expire? I have My Car, I bought My Wife’s Car, I bought My Kids Cars when They got Their Driver’s License, and I have Several Work Trucks because I own My Own Construction Business. So Which One Do I need an to Buy Extended Coverage For because as I said Safety First so Best to have a Warranty before Your Car Breaks down, and You have to Pay out of Pocket.”

*Yes this is a Longer rephrasing of My original Question being “What DO I Drive.*

Scammer: “Your Primary Vehicle.”

*Now she meant My Car, BUT I told Her I have My Own Company so How does She know My Work Truck is in fact My Primary Vehicle (Primary Vehicle equates to The Car You Drive the Most. Also that Entire Statement is FALSE, I Bought My Car, My Wife Bought Hers, We don’t have Kids more or Less Driving Age, and No I do NOT Own My Own Construction Company.*

Les: “My Primary Vehicle You Say? Thats Strange.”

Scammer: “Sir Warranties are for a Limited Time Period after that the Coverage You have with it Expires, and You have to by Extended Warranty to sure You remain covered in case something goes wrong with Your Vehicle.”

*So She just gave Me the Definition of a Vehicle Warranty and How it Works which is Ridiculous Since She supposed to Be Selling Me Extended Coverage for an Almost Expired Warranty, BUT doesn’t seem to Think I have a fucking Clue What a Warranty is or How it Works.*

Les: “SO My Warranty is on the verge of Expiring for My Primary Vehicle and You can Sell Me Extended Coverage is that Right?”

Scammer: “Yes Sir You are Correct.”

Les: “Well That doesn’t make Sense to Me, It’s all Very Strange as Far as I’m Concerned.”

*Now She’s afraid She is going to Lose Her Scam Target, and Ramps Up the Sales Pitch.*

Scammer: “There is nothing Strange Sir, this is How Car Warranties Work You see, When Your Current Warranty runs out You need to purchase Additional Coverage, and Thats what My Company Does.”

*Again Notice She Never Identified WHAT COMPANY it is She supposedly is working for.*

Les: “Well Alright Then I just have One Question for You.”

Scammer: “Yes Sir what is the Question You want to ask Me?”

Les: “If I Bought My Car from a Private Seller, NOT a Dealership, and The Car was 8 years Old and change when I acquired it if there had been a Warranty it ran out long before I got there. So if I NEVER had a Warranty in the first fucking Place then How the Hell is it Going to Expire?! Not to mention the Vehicle is so Old at this Point NO ONE in Their right Mind would even Entertain the Idea of Offering Me an Extended Warranty. So.”

Scammer:”Sir the Information I was given…..”

*Yep I cut Her off Again.*

Les: “You know what I think?! I think this is a SCAM and Your a Shitty Scammer thing to Sell Me a FAKE Extended Warranty for My Car, and all You’d do is Disappear with My fucking Money since there OBVIOUSLY is NO ACTUAL EXTENDED WARRANTY. This is a Pathetic Bullshit Scam thats All.”

Scammer:”SIR We are Not a Scam, We are a Legitimate Company dealing with Extended Vehicle Warranty Coverage. I don’t know how or why You think this is a Scam when its Not a Scam at All.”

*This is the Classic Defensive Denial I was talking about earlier on in this Post. OF COURSE if You’re a Piece of Shit Scammer You’re Not going to Admit it I mean thats just Painfully Obvious. *

Les:” Well I’m going to Report You, and Post Your Number all Over Social Media Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter You name it. I am also going to Post Your number and the Details of this Scam in the Online Anti-Scam/Anti-Scammer Consumer Sites as well as Post it On YouTube for all the Scam Baiters out There. Then We will see if You’re a Lying sack of Scammer Shit or Not Right?!”

Scammer: !Immediately Hung Up! Again She was afraid of Being Exposed as an Illegal Fraudulent Scammer Shithead.

After I Posted and Reported this Scammers Scam it was confirmed beyond a Reason of Doubt A COMPLETE SCAM. Scammers are trying hard as Hell to Scam anyone left that They can because Public Awareness/Education combined with Advancements in Law Enforcement Technologies is making Increasingly hard for these Shit Sacks to Keep Their Scams Going.

REPORT ALL SCAM PHONE CALLS so More People will become Aware of the Scam, and Can/Will Protect Themselves from these Peckerheaded Parasitic Scammers. You can Google How to Report a Scam and Who to Report it, There is simply TOO MUCH contact Info for Me to Post Here. FUCK SCAMMERS FUCK’EM ALL.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watched (38/365)

I Apologize that I wasn’t Able to get this Posted Yesterday when it was Supposed to Be. I had one Last Fight I had to Finish Last Night, and Unfortunately it was in a Different Time Zone. Sorry for the Inconvenience.

It was then that Lee’s Attention was drawn to the Wall to His Left where there was a Window in the Wall covered with a Thick Pane of Bullet Proof Glass. The Window had the Classic Narrow Opening at the Very Bottom to allow for Money or Messages to be passed Between the Desk Clerk and The Customer. It reminded Lee exactly of the Type of Window You see at Gas Stations, Connivence Stores, and Liquor Stores in really shitty Neighborhoods. This reasserted Lee’s belief that this was Not Your Typical Holiday Inn.

“Grisly, HEY GRISLY! Where You at? Hurry Your Old Ass Up Here Guy.” Blurted Dizzy rather Rudely as apparently since walking in the Door Dizzy had become instantly Annoyed.

Lee stood patiently not sure what exactly was going on, but was satisfied watching it Unfold. There was a Long Prolonged Creaking straight out of a Halloween Sound Effects CD. The Creak was followed by a great deal of Shuffling, Wheezing, and the sound of Someone talking to Themselves under Their Breath. An Ancient looking Old Man finally came into view and Lee couldn’t help thinking to Himself that the Elderly Man could have been Danny Devito’s Older UnKnown Brother. This was due to the fact the Old Man stood hovering just under 5 feet tall, was quite Portly, and had Classic Male Pattern Baldness on top of it all.

“What? What do You want Now? God Almighty You’re all Pains in My wrinkled Old Ass.” griped Grisly sounding as if He was speaking with a Throat encased in Flem which gave His voice a Wet Gargling Tone.

“Listen You Old Cantankerous Coot I just want to see if I got any Mail today that’s all Don’t go Dying over it.” replied Dizzy who upon seeing Grisly had relaxed back to Normality. Dizzy seemed to be getting a Legitimate kick out of His interaction with Grumpy Old Grisly.

Grisly took His sweet as Time looking under the Counter looking for any Possible Mail that there was for Dizzy. After a excessive amount of Fumbling around Grisly stood up and announced that there was in fact No Mail for Dizzy, and then went on to Complain about being Disturbed over Nothing.

“You got a Quarter?” asked Dizzy matter of factly holding out His hand like a Panhandler.

“For What?” Lee said Questioningly as He wondered what a Quarter was even good for Now A Days.

“A fucking Phone Call, I have to Call for Our Ride remember???” replied Dizzy dumbfounded by the Question.

“Use Your fucking Cell Phone like everybody else then.” said Lee growing agitated by it all.

“I don’t have One. I refuse to buy a fucking Cell Phone, and will NEVER own one of those fuckers as Long as I live thats for Sure.” said Dizzy Emphatically, “You see when You buy a fucking Cell Phone You automatically Forfeit Your fucking Privacy. I don’t want every asshole under the fucking Sun to be able to Reach Me or at least Annoy the shit outta Me whenever They wish regardless of Where I am. And thats not all either because with goddamn Cell Phones everyday assholes can also Text You, E-mail You or Skype You in addition to just Calling You. Fuck and That I want NON of it, and Why Should I? The Last thing this World needs is another Cell Phone Dependent Zombie stumbling around Obliviously with Their heads in Their fucking Phones all damn Day.”

In Spite of how absolutely Odd and Insane Dizzy’s Anti-Cell Phone Position was Lee understood perfectly. In fact He wished He had the Balls the Throw His Cell Phone in the fucking Toilet to Drown the Damnable Thing Once and for All.

Be Sure To Tune in for Next Weeks Amazing Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (39/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

My Dad is Dead and My Uncle Donny is a DICK.

It’s No Secret that The 2 Sides of My Family are as Opposite as Night and fucking Day Believe You Me. While My Mother’s Side of the Family is Close, Supportive, and Loving My Father’s Family were/are Cold, Closed Off, and Insanely Self fucking Centered.

I have never Visited My Uncle Donny and His Family (Wife and 2 Kids) at His House not Once Not Ever. To be fair My Uncle and His Family only Visited My Family’s House for a Total of Twice. My Grandmother You see lived in The Big City that just so happened to be right around the Half Way between Our Family and My Uncles. Needless to say We utilized My Grandmother’s location to No End.

Every 5-6 Months We would all load up in the Car and Drive the 90 Minutes to My Grandmothers where We would meet Up with My Uncle and His Family. We’d sit around in Virtual Silence just Staring at the fucking Walls like Our Own Personal Waiting Room in Purgatory. The whole thing was Horribly Mind Numbing to say the Least.

Finally either My Father or My Uncle would decide it had been Long Enough sitting Idly around My Grandmothers Small 1 Bed Room Apartment, and We would head out to a Chinese Restaurant, but usually We just Frequented a Near By Italian Restaurant. The Meal would be almost exactly the same as Sitting Around My Grandmother’s Apartment like a bunch of Irrational Assholes. The only difference was the Setting and The Food other than That the Social Dynamic NEVER CHANGED.

My Uncle Donny spent a Majority of His time during these Estranged Visits catering to His Demanding High Maintenance Wife who I will refer to as Picky which She was in Spades. Picky was a OG Drama Queen who not only was a Legend in Her own fucking feeble Mind She was the most Self Centered Person I have ever Encountered.

My Brother and I hung out with Each other to help Pass the Tension of Time since My Uncles Kids were as Socially Outgoing as Their Shitty Parents. The Daughter who was the Eldest of the Two I believe truly meant well She just didn’t have a fucking Clue how to Navigate through this Certain Shit Show. She ended up getting Married and has a couple Kids I think, but We have NEVER Communicated outside or since the Joint Visits to My Grandmother’s, and that goes for the ENTIRE fucking Family for that Matter.

My Uncle Donny’s Son was a Silent as They come which People wrote off to Him being Seriously Introverted and thus rather Socially Awkward. I’m still waiting to See Him on the News for being Arrested as a Prolific Serial Killer. Socially Awkward My Ass He’s a fucking Sociopath. I heard years ago He was working in the City and Shit got out of Control, and He returned Home all fucked up in the Head. The Last I Heard He works in fucking Thai Land where He has some Day Job and at Night He Kills Prostitutes which would be far easier to do in a SMALL 3rd WORLD COUNTRY (Just Saying).

My Uncle was (He is Retired Now though I don’t know for How Long since I have No Idea when He actually Retired) a Lawyer’s Lawyer. Self Involved, Money Worshipping, Reputation Driven, Success Obsessed Egotistical Son of a Bitch. He lived for His Work and seems to care NOTHING about Anyone Else or Anything that doesn’t directly relate to Him. I’m not kidding.

He NEVER contacted My Father, My Father always had to reach out to Him. Once My Father finally caught Up with His Brother all My Uncle Donny would do is Talk about whatever the fuck was going on Currently in His Life. It was all about Him, His Job, His Friends, His Family, His Wife Etc. HE NEVER ASKED MY FATHER HOW HE OR WE WERE because My asshole Uncle could have Cared Less. My Father over time began to reach out less and less until He came to the Conclusion trying to Maintain a relationship (even if its just VIA the Phone/Email) simply WASN’T WORTH IT. His Brother was a Life Long Douchebag, and Had No Intention of Ever Trying to Change. Once a DICK Always a DICK as Some Say.

Now I know this sounds like just some Run of the Mill fucked Up Family Issues, (Let’s face it where there’s Family there’s going to be Issues), BUT as a Rule of Thumb Family sticks Together. The Point Being You have to Love Your Family, YET You Don’t have to Like Them.

My Father was Diagnosed with Terminal Liver Cancer and Fought it for the Better Part of a Year before Finally Succumbing. When My Father Died it fell on His Second Wife’s Shoulders to be the preverbal Bearer of Bad News. Of course the First People She contacted were Family Members and that included My Asshole Uncle who had Done little to Nothing even after Learning His only Brother was Terminally Ill.

My Father’s Second Wife called My Asshole of an Uncle to inform Him of HIs Brother’s Passing, BUT first and foremost She spent 15 fucking Minutes waiting for mY Uncle to remember Who the Hell She was. Once the My Idiot Uncle remembers Who She is She tells Him My Father Died, and the First fucking thing out of His fucking Mouth is and I fucking Quote “Well We Can’t Make It To The Funeral.”

Now Mind You My FAther’s Second Wife NEVER SAID If there was Going to be a Traditional Funeral (which it wasn’t as mY Father wasn’t Religious, fuck He didn’t want an Obituary either), Where it Would Be, or What the Time and Date would be. He just immediately Stated He (and His fucked up Family) WOULDN’T be There. None of My Family Member nor Myself ever Heard any Condolences of Any Sort from My Uncle, No Letter, No Email, No Phone We received a whole shit ton of Absolutely NOTHING.

Who the fuck Wouldn’t be Upset by Their Only Brother’s Untimely Demise, and more over WHO THE FUCK WOULN’T ATTEND THE FUCKING FUNERAL OR TALK WITH FELLOW GRIEVING FAMILY MEMBERS??!

My Asshole Uncle Donny Thats fuck Who Apparently. I have vowed that if I ever have the Misfortune of Laying Eyes on the Miserable Sack of Shit again in My Life I’m going to Punch the Fucker right in His fucking Face. The ironic thing is the Asshole moved not Only to The Great Southern Swamp when I resided there, BUT He moved to a Town that was 20 minutes from My fucking House.

One part of Me was Thankful I didn’t know when I was Living there because I didn’t get in Trouble because You better believe if I hit the Filthy Fuck He’d call the Piece of Shit Police. The Other Part of Me thought “WHO the fuck Moves 20 minutes away from a Fellow Family Member and DOESN’T Mention it to Them?!”

MY ASSHOLE UNCLE DONNY THAT’S WHO.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Application, But I Don’t Want to Work Here?!

It’s been a While since I Railed Against The fucked up Healthcare System, and after this Post I will put that Beast Back to Bed. The thing is I have NEVER Encountered this Situation before, and find the Whole thing to be Pretentious Bullshit.

I’m looking for a General Practitioner because I need another fucking Doctor like a need a fucking Hole in My Head, BUT My Cardiologist has opted to be a Whiny Little Bitch about filling One of My Medications After almost 2 fucking Years. The Medication is NOT an OPIOD, NOR IS IT XANAX, VALIUM, OR Any Other of the Over Prescribed Horseshit in Fact it’s SO Benign it could Almost Be an Over The Counter Medication like fucking Tylenol for Crying Out Loud.

Now granted I am frustrated and Angered by this Development, and Rather simply just Not Bother I’m not a fucking Idiot. I know I benefit a Great Deal from the Medications I take. I’m not Debating that in the Least. All I’m saying is the Entire Process is a MASSIVELY HUGE PAIN IN MY ASS, and No One likes Those unless You’re a Masochist.

You know what I mean You have to Find the Doctor, Yet You’re NOT Supposed to just Hop the Hell online and Pick One at Random and I fully Agree that Thats Foolish a Fuck. On the Other Hand what if You recently moved into the Area and the Issue is You don’t Know anyone well Enough to Trust Them for a Recommendation?! Then You need to somehow someway Locate a Doctor who is currently at the Time taking/Seeing New Patients.

If The Doctor is accepting New Patients You schedule an Appointment that’s Typically not Quite awhile Away (Couple Weeks to Several Months). Once the Day of the Appointment comes You go in fucking Early as Shit because You damn well know as a New Patient there will be EXTENSIVE fucking Paperwork (example Medical History) Tied Up in Bureaucratic Red Tape. Then Once the Pile of Paperwork is Complete You get to wait 30-40-60 Minutes bored out of Your fucking Mind in the Bland and Mind Numbing Waiting Room.

Just as Your Sanity is about to Crack You get ushered into an Exam Room where a Nurse takes Your Vitals, and May ask a few Questions before telling You that the Doctor will be in Shortly which is a fucking Joke. After Another 20-30 Minutes the Doctor Comes in and Finally You’ve Surpassed the Shitty System so Congratulations are in Order.

I managed to get a Referral from one of My Wife’s Co-workers who is also a Nurse so I figured I had an Advantage so to Speak. So Today I called Them Up to Try and Schedule an Appointment if at all Possible. A Woman answered and this is where shit started to take a VERY STRANGE TURN.

The First really Odd thing was She never bothered to even ask My Name more or less My Last Name. Second She NEVER actually said Yes or NO to the questions of The Doctor there Accepting New Patients which again seems unusually Odd. The Woman informs Me of the Following Procedure of Theirs which Totally confused the ever Living fuck Out of Me to be Brutally Honest.

Their New Patient Procedure for lack of a better Name/Term was as Follows. The New Patient must Personally come into the Office (and its worse for Me since I live in the Middle of the Woods so Everything I need is 45-60 minutes away), and I’m not kidding FILL OUT AN APPLICATION. Yes I said Application. Then The New Patients turns in the filled out Form(s), Goes Home, AND Waits 2-3 WEEKS to See if They get a Call informing Them They have been accepted as a Patient. Its reminded Me of the fucking Collage Application Process where They make You jump through God knows How many Hoops, make You kiss Their Ass, and Then String You along before letting You know Their Decision.

I didn’t let this Bizarre bullshit phase Me because I figured Well Hell it’s 2019 and the Internet Rules the fucking World so chances were I could fill out Their Form(s) Online. Immediately The Woman said that was NOT an Option. I asked Her puzzled as all get out then what were the Way or Ways I could do it Avoiding driving 2 hours round trip just to fill out a fucking Form(s). She paused and then Told Me I could have the Form(s) FAXED to ME and Then Fax them back when completed. That or She could SNAIL MAIL them to Me, and I’d then fill them out and send SNAIL MAIL them back.

This was so fucking Off Track I told the Woman I’d have to call My Wife because in 2019 I don’t Own a Outdated Dinosaur of a Communication System, BUT My Wife has Access to one at Work. I of course had No Clue what the Number was so I told the Woman I’d find out and call Her back in a minute with the Fax Number. She said Alright and We hung Up.

I contacted My Wife and She gave Me Her Work’s Fax Number and I called The Doctor’s Office back literally 3 minutes Later. This Time a Young Man who sounded like He just woke the fuck up after a Rip Van Winkle Length Nap. He also didn’t seem to have a Grasp of His Job or the Policies of the Office in which He is currently Working.

Automatically I explained I was a New Patient who was Referred to Them by a Current Patient. He then gives Me the Song and Dance about Coming In and Filling Out the Form(s) bullshit, So I ask Him can I Fax or Mail it (I remember the Previous Lady I had said Yes in Spite of the Fact there was NO Internet Option) still a Bit Bewildered.

He turns around and Tells ME there is NO OPTION but to Come in and Fill shit out. I then told Him I had Already Talked to a Lady who said I could use either Option so Now I don’t know Which One of Them is Correct and which is Full of Shit. I ask for the Woman (Who didn’t give Me her Name I realized then) to be put back on the Phone since this Guy was a fucking Tool. He put Me on hold for 15 fucking Minutes before Returning to the Line to let Me know He talked to the Office Manager and They had said Yes to Both Options.

I gave Him the Fax Number which I repeated 3 times, and made Him recite back to ME as I had NO fucking Faith in this All Star Asshole. He got it Correct and I Instructed Him to Write “Attention Les’s Wife” (of fucking course I didn’t actually say that, BUT I never Use Real Names. And in the RARE instances I do I make the Readers Well Aware.) and He doubled checked the Name and Spelling which Surprised the shit out of Me.

I Hung up still pondering what the hell was all This Happy Horseshit. Application?! What I got out of that was/is They are getting Your Info and Medical History and then like a fucking Draft Pick are choosing Who to Treat. I don’t know why the Douchebags just don’t say that They aren’t Currently seeing New Patients, BUT I can get My shit on File and Be all set if and When They Do.

Anyway My Wife got Home in the Evening and I retold Her the Seriously Insane shit I had felt with concerning this Doctor Referral/Recommendation. I then Inquired to exactly what in God’s Name the Form(s) actually were, AND THE DIPSHIT NEVER SENT THEM. Oh So Fucking Well, They can….SUCK A GIANT KING KONG COCK.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober (Posted 12:23 AM)

Racists are Revolting

Warning: The Following Post Contains a Great Deal of Foul Language, and Violent Imagery that Some People May find Offensive or Disturbing. There are Pictures of ACTUAL DEAD NAZI WAR CRIMINALS with The Noose Still Around Their Next From Being EXECUTED FOR SAID WAR CRIMES AND OTHER WAR TIME ATROCITIES. During the NUREMBERG TRIAL (1945-1948) Enjoy.

I’m Sick and fucking Tired of all this Racist fucking Bullshit going on Currently in America. These Hateful Pieces of Shit running around Beating People, Shooting People, and Generally being complete fucking Assholes to Anyone who ISN’T a Racist.

ITS TIME TO MAKE RACISTS AFRAID AGAIN. Its time to Drive these White Trash, Inbred, Uneducated, and Ignorant Assholes back under the fucking Rock They Slithered Out from Under. Theres No Room in America for fucking Racists.

We should Round Up all the Racist Fuckers and DEPORT THEM TO ANTARCTICA the fucking Whitest Place on Earth since Their such Fans of the Color. Let Them take Their Own fucking Advice which They are TOO FUCKING STUPID to Understand.

If THEY Don’t Like It LEAVE YOU HYPOCRITICAL COCKSUCKERS.

All this Violent Racist shit is Being Propagated by The Obese Orange Rapist Traitor in The White House because Only Scumfuck Racist Ratfucks support His egotistical Crimes against AMERICA and AMERICANS.

So Here’s What I Think, Brace Yourself its Going to Get FUGLY AS FUCK.

White Nationalists: White Collar Political Elitists, The Wealthy Old White Man Racists from Way Back. White Nationalists are just as fucking Pathetically Fucked as every other Racist Hate Group, the only Different is They are far better dressed in Expensive Suits. They are the “Serial Killer Racist” named so for Their ability (just like a Sociopath) to hide in Plain Sight without Anyone Knowing Their Secret.

They like Lynching so Much than HANG YOUR FUCKING SELVES YOU SCUMFUCKERS Make America Great, KILL YOURSELVES. These are the Old School Racist Fucktards that have Paved the Way for Every Other Racist Son of a Bitch.

KKK: Klu Klux Kunis is more like it. These Historical Throwback Redneck Racist Backwood Sister Fuckers run around in Sheets like Assholes Burning Crosses which to ME makes No fucking Sense Whatsoever since the KKK only Allows Christian Racists to become Members.

The KKK is a fucking Joke even in Todays Racist Climate. These are the Dumbfucks that run around spouting Stupid Racist Shit like ‘The South with RISE AGAIN.” Umm No its fucking Won’t. GET THE FUCK OVER IT ASSHOLES YOU GOT YOUR RACIST SLAVERY LOVING ASS HANDED TO YOU BY THE NORTH, YOU LOST THE CIVIL FUCKING WAR NOW GET THE FUCK OVER IT ALREADY PUNK ASS BITCHES. They shouldn’t be Pro Racist They should be PRO DENTIST the Toothless Hillbilly Bastards.

The Proud Boys: Proof You can take the Date Raping, Homophobic, Binge Drinking College Fuck Up Out of the Frat House, But You can’t take it the Date Raping, Binge Drinking, Homophobic, College Fuck Up Out of the Frat Boy. These Stupid Cowards are such fucking PUSSIES that Like Nazis They travel in Groups to Avoid getting Their Teeth Kicked in. Thats because 1 on 1 They’re SCARED LITTLE PUNK ASS SACKS OF SHIT. Their Leader whatever that Hispter fucks Name is is even a BIGGER PUSSY.

He got all Butt Hurt and called the fucking Local News because His Neighbor put up a Yard Sign Condemning his Racism and the little big talking bitch CRIED ABOUT IT LIKE A FUCKING BABY. The Ground Boys are Cowardly Pussies who can Talk Mad SHit, But Can’t take it without running to the Media to Whine and Bitch like the Spineless, Sniviling, Scummy Bitch Boys.

Neo Nazis: How fucking Stupid are These Self Righteous Assholes? I mean They Stole Their groups Ideology and Token Symbol the Swastika from THE MOTHERFUCKING RACIST GERMAN NAZIS OF WW2. So how the fuck can these Bald Headed Bitches talk about “America this, America That” when Their whole Schtick is GERMAN.

Again Nazis are True Cowards who fight in Gangs and Pick on the Most Helpless because They are afraid off getting seriously fucked Up on the Street by NAZI HATING AMERICAN PATRIOTS. If a Nazi wants to prove How tough He is (which is a fucking Joke to begin with since Nazis are SPINELESS Yellow Bellied COWARDS) then He or She should take Their Steel Toed Combat Boots, and KICK IN THEIR OWN SHIT FILLED SKULLS.

Steven Miller: Sleazy Fuck should be Lowered SLOWLY feet First into a fucking Wood Chipper that has Dull and Rusty Blades. This Should be Done LIVE ON TV and STREAMED ALL OVER THE INTERNET/SOCIAL MEDIA.

Steve Bannon: This Fat, Alcoholic, Wife Beating Racist should be Force Fed Rot Gut Fortified Wine until His Belly is Swollen at Max Capacity. Then He should be Thrown to the Fucking Floor like the Maggot He is, and Kicked Repeatedly until His Stomach Explodes. And this too should be done in FULL VIEW OF THE PUBLIC/ LIVE AUDIENCE.

Moscow Mitch “The Bitch” McConnell: This Deformed looking Turtle Motherfucker should be Skinned Alive, Rolled in Salt, and Then have the Salt washed Off with Pure Lemon Juice Extract, and Repeat until the Vile Racist Traitor is fucking DEAD. Then His Corpse should be Hung Upside Down from the White House Flag Pole for all to See until it ROTS AWAY.

ICE: ICE Agents are nothing more than Government Paid Racist Gustapo Thugs. These Brain Dead Douchebags run around doing whatever the fuck They want because They’re the GOP’s Racist Lap Dogs. ICE should be fucking Abolished, ICE Agents Arrested, and Executed in a NON STOP PUBLIC TRIAL and EXECUTION.

I could spend Days watching an Endless Line of ICE asshole racist Agents getting Convicted and Immediately Killed with some MEDIEVAL TORTURE DEVICES (so It’s SLOW AND AS PAINFUL AS POSSIBLE). Perhaps Hanging Them Upside Down Naked with Their Legs Spread, and Then SAWN IN HALF by HAND No Chainsaws Here just Antique Lumberjack Saws for These VILE RACIST FUCKS.

The Boarder Patrol: These Racist Fuckwits ae essentially ICE’s little Inbred Racist Brother. They are Moronic, Uneducated Racist Wannabe Prison Guards. These Low Level Racist fucks are more than Likely too fucking Ignorant to even Realize what Racist Shitfucks They actually are. They Like ICE should be Arrested, Tried, Convicted, and EXECUTED for Hate Crimes and Crimes Against Humanity.

Kirstjen Michele Nielsen: This Racist Fuck Bucket is the Filthy Fucker that Allowed Kids to be Caged like fucking Animals, and then DENIED BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS (Not to Mention MULTIPLE DEATHS AND SEVERAL DETENTION CAMPS.) She created CONCENTRATION CAMPS FOR FUCKING CHILDREN. Now here’s the kicker This Sleazy Whorebag is a Top Their Racist Asshole, Not only did She orchestrate Brutal and Inhumane Immigration Concentration Camps (For Adults to Not Just Children) THEN THIS FUCKING SHITFUCKER GOES OUT TO EAT AT A MOTHERFUCKING MEXICAN RESTURANT! WHAT A CUNT.

THE GOP: All I have to say is these Hypocritical Racist Scumfuckers is They Love Demonizing Immigrants, BUT THEY SURE LOVE HIRING THEM JUST ASK THE KING COCKSUCKER, THE SUPREME ASSHOLE IN THE OVAL OFFICE. GOP MOTTO IS “DO AS WE SAY, NOT AS WE DO.” bunch of Vile Racist, Serial Rapist, Child Molesting, Sex Trafficking Elitist ASSFUCKS. ELIMINATE THE ELITE. BANKRUPT THE RICH.

MAGA MAGGOTS: These Stupid Fuckfaced Racist are simply TOO FUCKING STUPID TO LIVE. They Regurgitate GOP PROPAGANDA about the Evils of Socialism while They HAPPILY take FOOD STAMPS, DISABILITY, WELFARE, and SOCIAL FUCKING SECURITY which by fucking DEFINITION OF THE FUCKING WORD MAKES THEM SOCIALISTS (Not to mention other reasons as Well Like PUBLIC SCHOOLS, PUBLIC PARKS Etc.).These BOTTOM FEEDING, INBRED, TRAILER PARK DWELLING, IGNORANT, UNEDUCATED WHITE TRASH SCUM OF THE EARTH. Every Asshole with a Red Hat should be Rounded Up, Put on Space Shuttles, and SENT ON A ONE WAY TICKET INTO THE DEPTHS OF FUCKING SPACE.

Eliminate, Eradicate, and Erase Racism From America ONCE AND FOR FUCKING ALL. All White People are fucking IMMIGRANTS just ask the NATIVE AMERICANS.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (37/365)

“Filthy, come On Bud You’re blocking the fucking Doorway.” said Dizzy with a Hint of Frustration and Concern.

“Must have been Rotated by The Serpents in My Sleep is all.” replied the Bum in a Gravely Growl like Bear Yawning after Rising from Hibernation.

“Sure Thing Filthy I’m sure it was the Sleep Serpents and What have You just Please get the fuck out of the Way.” said Dizzy growing more Demanding by the Minute.

The Bum strained and sighed as He dragged Himself to His feet. He then peered around on the Ground collecting His various Belongings into a Pile after which He then Inspected with Great Concern that Each and Every Item was accounted For. Once the Bum had completed His process He inquired about a Possible Green Assistance Program Payment.

Lee had absolutely No Clue what the Man was referring too, that was before Dizzy smacked His arm to get His attention. Lee watched as Dizzy pulled a Couple of crinkled Up Dollar Bills from his Wallet, and a Joint from behind His Ear which He then promptly handed to the Man. Lee looked at Dizzy who Nodded His Head Slightly and motioned towards the Man by Rolling His Eyes with the Classic “I’ll Explain this shit Later, Now JUST DO IT.” Expression Plastered across His face. So still trying to process the whole situation Lee forked over Five Dollars adding He wasn’t Holding.

“Thank You Sires for Your Divine Tribute to this truly Down Trodden Old Soul. Go Be on Your Way Now Royals the Court will not Wait as The War Tribunal is Chomping They are Chomping at the Bit. They want to Cry Havoc and Release Their Dogs of War Upon the World, and Revel in the Retribution!!,” Hollered the Homeless Man in a Grand Fashion while Bowing Ceremoniously Ushering Lee and Dizzy into the Apartment Building.

Dizzy followed closely Behind Dizzy as They entered the Cramped Little Lobby which must have Measured a mere 10 feet by 10 feet and Not a Hair more. There was a Bare Light Bulb suspended from the Low Lying Lobby Ceiling that Swung ever so Slowly back and Forth flickering every so Often which Lee found to be a Bit Unsettling to say the Least.

The Floor was so Gritty from the Layer Upon Layer of Compounded Dirt and Grim it felt like walking on fucking Sandpaper. The Walls were Painted in a Shade of Sickly Olive Green that reminded Lee of a Defunct Prison, a Mental Hospital Throw Back from the fucking 60’s, or perhaps an Abandoned Military Facility.

The Paint was Not Only Faded and caked with Filth it was Cracked and Chipping off all over the fucking Place. For all Intents and Purposes the Lobby Didn’t resemble that of an Legitimate Apartment Building, but that of a fucking Abandoned and Decaying State Run Institution that had been fucking Shut Down and Forgotten About all those Many, Many Years Ago.

Lee was beginning to Suspect that This Apartment Building as Dizzy claimed was in Fact a Shady Run Down Fleabag Hotel where You can Rent Rooms by The Hour, and Who’s Residents consisted of Late Stage Alcoholics Drinking Themselves to Death, Junkies of All Kinds, Mentally Ill People whose Family as well as Society had Left Behind, Petty Low Level Criminals and Thugs, and Wards of The State.

Be Sure to Catch Next Weeks Riveting Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (38/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober (Posted 1:33 AM)

So It All Started When………

So it all Started when I was Driving to the Gadget Store to pick Up a New Tomato Polisher to give to My Wife for Our 57th Wedding Anniversary. Out of fucking No Where a Naked Guy Higher than God on BathSalts Leapt into the Middle of the Road trying to Eat His Own Face. He had already Consumed His Lips and was Futilely trying to Shove the Rest of His Face into His Mouth.

I sweared like a son of a bitch and Accidentally Drove of the Road to Avoid turning the Man into a Human Meat Sack. As My Car charged Head First Down a the Stereo embankment Zigging and Zagging through the Bumper Car Course from Hell. At Last My Car came to a Abrupt Stop after the Wheels got Entangled in Under Brush.

I exited My Car and Started to Treck through the Dense Woods in Search of Civilization. As I strolled along I heard a particularly Strange and some what Disturbing Sound. It sounded Like a Rabid Wounded Grizzly Bear, and its Prey had fallen Head First into a Giant ass Blender. Curious I wondered towards the Unknown Noise until I reached a Near by Clearing in the Woods. There I laid Eyes on One of the Greatest Abominations I have ever born Witness too.

There is that Clearing was Only what I can Assume was Bigfoot who looked Nothing really like the Stereotypically Depiction of what Bigfoot is thought to look like. This Humanoid Creature was in deed HUGH standing around 8 Feet Tall, weighted approximately 400 plus Pounds, and was in need of some Serious Industrial Manscaping (Due to the fact this Creature had Excessive amounts of Body Hair I could see Why Some People Mistook the Body Hair for actual Fur). The Bigfoot though had the Physical Characteristics not of an Ape, but much more like that of a Neanderthal Caveman with a Sloped Head with a Pronounced Brow.

The Bigfoot like Creature was engaged in a Rowdily fucking a Large Brown Bear, or Perhaps It was Raping It I’m not too sure. I’m not sure because I have No fucking Clue what a Fully Grown Adult Brown Bear or a Suspected Bigfoot sound like while having Sex. All I’m saying is when Cats Fight or Fuck it sounds the Same which is as if They were being Skinned Alive.

Not wanting to be Spotted and running the Risk of Being Killed or Worse Dragged into This Interspecial Clusterfuck. So I took off as Fast as My Legs could carry Me. After a Few Minutes of Running through the Woods I came across a Small Zoo on the Boarder of the Woods and a Rather Large Looking Town. I made my way to the Front Gate only to find it Chained Shut with a sign hanging on it that read “Closed for Mating Season”.

I figured even if the Zoo wasn’t currently Open to the Public there still has to be a handful of Staff on the Premises to Clean, Feed, and Tend to the Care of the Zoo;s Animal Population. I scaled the Fence and let Myself In. As I explored the Zoo I gravitated over to the Penguin Enclosure since I personally think Penguins are Dope as Fuck. I still had yet to locate a Staff Member and decided since I was already in the Zoo I may as well Treat Myself to a Round of Penguin Spotting.

I entered the Building that Housed the Penguin Enclosure and started to Look Around. As I was staring at a Colony of Emperor Penguins I became aware that for a Building Housing Penguins this One was Rather Warm, Yet the Snow/Ice in the Enclosure(s) was Melting in spite of the Above Average South Pole/North Pole / Arctic Temperatures. I simply Couldn’t get My head around it defied Science. I figured something had gone wrong technically maybe the Cooling System had Broken Down or was About or To something to that effect.

I searched around until I located the Access Door that lead Directly into the Actual Penguin Enclosure and once again let Myself in. As soon as I set foot into the Enclosure a Malicious Penguin Slide Tackled Me, and in Response I fell flat on My face in a Big Old Snow Bank. Just then a Second Penguin landed on My back knocking the Wind Out of Me. As I tried to Stand Breathing in Heavily in an attempt to Catch My Breath I inhaled a large Portion of the Snow Bank. Once I got to My Feet I realized this Snow was gritty like Sand, and no where Near Cold as it seemed to be Room Temperature.

A Second or Two later I felt a Rush of Energy that felt like NASA had Launched a Rocket up My Ass. I could hear My Hair Growing and there was a Low constant Humming in My Ears. I then became insanely aware of My Surroundings and started to become intensely Paranoid. I thought to Myself that perhaps this is what it was like to Loose One’s Mind as My Heart was Booming a Death Metal Band’s Bass Drum. I scrambled Frantically out of the Enclosure and bolted out of The Penguin House in Haste.

Once outside again I freaked the fuck Out as I became Overwhelmed by the Situation and remembered I was in fact Trespassing after Breaking an Entering. I knew I had to get the hell out of the Zoo no matter what before I got Arrested for My Illegal Shenanigans. I started sprinting from Building to Building, Enclosure to Enclosure trying to find a Posted Map of the Zoo’s Layout.

Before I found One The Zoo was inundated with Militant DEA Agents wearing Bullet Proof Vests, Guns Drawn, and Their Badges swinging wildly around Their Necks from cheap Chains. I was apprehended immediately and taken into Custody. Luckily I managed to inform the Agents I wasn’t a Zoo Employee which They then Verified. They uncured Me and told Me to Remain where I was until instructed Further as I had already gotten in the Way of Their Drug Raid.

It turned out that the Zoo wasn’t closed for Mating Season as the sign stated, but it was Closed for Drug Smuggling. As it turned Out the Employees of the Zoo had a MASSIVE Meth Lab in the Basement of the Penguin House. As They Manufactured Kilo after Kilo of High Grade Crystal Meth the Hid it in Plain Sight by Masking Their Meth as Actual Snow.

In the End 37 Zoo Employees were Arrested in the Raid and the DEA Confiscated over 2 Tons of Amassed Crystal Meth making it the Biggest Meth Bust bu the DEA in Meth History.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (36/365)

Note To Readers: I apologize for This Installment of LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER being a Day Late as Time got Away from Me. Again I Apologize for the Delay.

As soon as The Quarter came to Rest Dancing Dave bent over Painfully Slow, and Picked it Up. He then all of a Sudden Came Alive like Frankenstein’s Monster with 150,000 Volts of Electricity running through it. Dancing Dave flashed a Robotic Grin and Started to Dance right there on the Corner. This however wasn’t a Dance per Say as it Resembled An Irish Riverdance Style Jig as it were.

Dancing Dave kept Both arms rigidly Locked at His Sides while His Legs and Feet pranced about Like a Tap Dancer on a Cocaine Bender. It reminded Lee of the Crazy Kung Fu Films He watched as a Kid on Sunday Afternoons Growing Up. Dancing Dave’s Entire Routine lasted Only about a Minute before Dancing Dave Stopped and Returned to His Statuesque State.

Dizzy promptly Lobbed another Quarter at Dancing Dave You then preformed the Same sort of Short and Furious Foot Work.

“I could fucking do this All Day. Some People might say its a waste of Money or some similarly Lame shit, BUT I rather spend My Change here on the Corner with Dancing Dave then dumping My Spare Change into a fucking Coin Star like all the Other Lemmings.” said Dizzy rather Triumphantly as If He had just made the Final Argument that Won some Prestigious Debate.

They watched Dancing Dan until He was Done, and presided to Their Final Destination being Dizzy’s Apartment. It was several more Blocks until They arrived leaving Lee to contemplate How Different Peoples Definitions of Everyday Words Differed Greatly. If the Roles had been reversed Lee would have Invited Dizzy, and then informed Him it was a rather long Walk or pErhaps He’d used the Word Hike instead of Walk. Apparently Dizzy on the Other Hand thought this Lengthy Treck was Nothing more than an average Walk.

“Ah Here We are Home Shitty Home.” Announced Dizzy as the Pair stopped in Front of a Old 6 Story Brick Apartment Building. There was a Homeless Man who reeked of Stale Beer and Staler Urine fast asleep in the Doorway blocking the Actual Door. Dizzy unceremoniously kicked at the Bum several times to No Avail as the Bum Slumbered on Undeterred by the Kicking.

“Fuck All.” sighed Dizzy under His Breath looking around in Frustration. Dizzy tossed about a Bunch of Old Newspapers, Empty Beer Cans, Discarded Cigarette Butts, and other assorted Litter laying around the Still Sleeping Bum. Dizzy Located at Last what He was so Desperately Searching for with Great and Obvious Annoyance. It was a Half Empty Pint Bottle of Maddog 20/20 Grape Flavored Fortified Wine.

Dizzy using His bottom of His T-shirt to Unscrew the Bottle Cap and Then Lowered the Bottle until it was Directly under the Slumbering Bum’s Nostrils. The perviously comatose Bum began to Return to Reality emerging from the Depths of His Drunken Oblivion.

Tune In Next Week For The Next Pulse Racing Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (37/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

(*Note: Clay, Happy Anniversary of Your Birth Bud.)