Category: Creative Writing

This is all the Insanity that has Escaped The Confines of My Cranium. Includes (but not limited to) Fiction, Non Fiction, Personal Shit, Short Stories, Poems, Pictorials (for Now), Ongoing Stories, Sociology, History, Cannibalism, Song Lyrics, and More.

Stupid shit I do when I get bored

What sucks so fucking bad about boredom is its boring and is know so by all who have ever existed. The best weapon in the arsenal of entertainment is to just make your own when all else falls flat on its face like your drunk uncle. I like to believe that I have redefined the concept of self entertainment when it comes to the stupid shit I do when I have to combat bored. I’ll let you be the judge. Bring on the list lets see that motherfucker!

The stupid shit I do when I get bored list:

  • Just the other day I had bought a rubber band gun to dissuade our upiity ass new kitten from misbehaving (main offense antagonizing the fuck out of the older house cat). I decided to load the gun with as many rubber bands as I fucking possibly could so I sat there adding one after the other until I had reached maximum capacity. That night as per usual the kitten started acting like a insane idiot and I was engaged in hunting her down to adviser her to cease and desist. Well if you have ever looked for a cat you already know that cats can be elusive motherfuckers when they want to be. Ninjas don’t have shit on cats its a fact so look it up. Anyway I colluded locate her and I have no idea why (it wasn’t fucking premeditated is all) when I passed my wife laying on the couch I yelled “SNATCH SHOT!” and unloaded ever last one of the rubber bands into my wife’s crotch. She had been engrossed in some YouRube video so she was startled as fuck and none too happy.

      

  • This week while keeping my wife company while grocery shopping a boring activity if there ever fucking was one am I right? Yeah I am. Anyways as my wife was selecting a piece of cow meat we would be dinning on that evening I saw a price tag. I don’t even remember what kind of meat it was but if I had to guess it was some pork tenderloin or something similar I suppose. The price was $6.96 and agin for no rhyme or reason I suddenly hauled the hell off and punched the shit out of that pork tenderloin thing. I then picked it up and loudly announced to my fellow shoppers “696 OFFEND MY FAMILY AND INSULTS OUR HONOR!”
  • A Frequent habit I have had for a  extremely long ass time is when I’m out shopping with any doesn’t matter who the hell it is I start sneaking the most fucking random items into the cart when they aren’t looking (like a fucking cat). Then at check out I watch as they unload their shit at check out and discover my additions to their carts one by one intermediately through out the checking out process. You see you have to make sure as shit you dispense the various ass items in at different times and in different parts of the cart to fully drag the awkward confusion out.
  • Once in a while I’ll go to Dick’s sporting goods acting like an unhappy and irate customer with an ax to grind. I then when I encounter the first fucking employee I can demand that I talk to someone with authority. That means I want to talk to the biggest dick there.

   

  • I enjoy tracking down owners of Badcock Furniture Stores and inquiring why they haven’t legally changed their name from Badcock to something more flattering and advantageous. I then give examples such as Bigcock, Hugecock, Monstercock, Giantcock, Bigoldcock, or Giantcock.
  • I once in a blue moon if I’m in a store such as HomeDepot I like to wander over to the appliance section and find dishwashers, refrigerators , washing machines etc. Once I’m there I wait milling around aimlessly until no one is around and then I fart into the particular appliance.  That way hopefully when the next person opens it to check it out it smells like ass inside.
  • When it comes to farting I also enjoy walking down the aisle of a store, stopping momentarily, farting, and walking away to an observation point. So then all I have to do is watch different shopper’s reactions when they walk through it. If they’re alone they’re all “what’s that pungent stench?”or if their with other people “Which one of these people I’m with is farting the place up?”
  • I have the juvenile habit of walking past friends who are sitting so I can fart in their face and ask “So what I have for lunch?!”
  • I tell people from time to time that I’m a doctor and when they ask what kind of doctor I am I tell them I’m a doctor of doctoring. You’d be fucking surprised how many people never question that statement as it sounds like some odd ass medical shit (and we all know how odd medical shit so lets just fucking admit it).
  • I have over the years also added a second version of the being a doctor of doctoring or more like a definition as it were. I explain that a doctor of doctoring is an extremely elite specialist who only treats other doctors.

  • I have been know to call church’s in the area and ask them why they seem to be having such a hard time finding Jesus.
  • Having some telemarketing experience I will cold call people and ask then to participate in a market research survey. The survey then turns out to be some ridiculous shit like with equally stupid questions. Examples of some such questions: “Have you ever taken part in any kind of spaghetti wrestling, and if yes were the noodles Ramen noodles?!” or “If one in the hand is better than two in the bush how do you feel about this exchange rate?”
  • I am a fan of hassling pescatarians about eating fish. Pescatarians are and I quote “People who do not eat meat, but they do eat fish.” So what the fuck are they classifying fish as? Fish isn’t a fruit, it isn’t a vegetable or dairy product so what the fuck do they mean?! Fish are living, breathing, breeding creatures with a natural life cycle so if they aren’t meat WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY THEN?!!
  • I get a kick out of sending take out food from one restaurant and have it delivered to another restaurant. There’s no purpose here other than for fucking laughs. The idea of the confusion and befuddling of staff by sending a Sushi platter to a Mexican restaurant or Indian food to a Italian restaurant is the motivator.

  • I have shit in inappropriate areas like parking lots, public fountains, people’s front lawns or some other common space area. When I’m confronted for my righteous public pooping I explain I was raised by Wild Animals (the animal changes regularly) and that’s how I learned to shit. That or I explain I’m from a poor ass family in Appalachia who lived in a one room shack so we were raised to just shit outside.
  • I used to call 411 and ask irrelevant questions like “Why does my dick look like a pickle its all green and bumpy?!”
  • I have on occasion called PetSmart or PetCo’s grooming department as a possible new client inquiring about their shrives and prices. I then ask them how much would it cost for my Bearded Dragon a haircut.
  • I’ve called random New Yorkers and asked why so they such bad insomnia in Ny since NY is the city that never sleeps?!
  • Occasionally I will go into fast food restaurant restrooms, go into one of the stalls, kneel down (have to make it realistic people!), and start making horribly violent vomiting sounds.
  • A couple of times I called Catholic churches pretending to be a Child Abuse/Anti-Pedophilia Charity soliciting donations.
  • I frequently punch packaged meat in grocery stores while yelling “ADRIAN!!”
  • I once called an abortion clinic to inquire about aborting my older brother.
  • I have told (and tried to convince) people I was born I believed myself into existence.

      

  • I like to call Law Firms/ Lawyers and to inquire about filing a restraining order on the grounds of sexual harassment against myself since I’m self employed.
  • I take one of those DNA or Ancestry tests and when the results finally arrive I harass customer service over the fact the test failed to prove my relation to Bigfoot.
  • I enjoy insisting to people that if latin is a dead language than anyone who still uses it (like doctors or lawyers for example) is in fact dead.
  • Several times I have gone to the zoo for the sole purpose of flinging my feces at the monkeys.
  • When bored I indulge in my favorite hobby: Douche Spotting.
  • I have demanded to know from soccer moms why there aren’t any other sports moms like Baseball moms and all that shit?!
  • I once stood outside of a sperm bank offering people going in free samples of my sperm.
  • A few times I have gone to sex anonymous meeting and handed out condoms, lube, and Lithuanian Viagra.

    

  • One of my personal favorite things to do when I get bored is probably the easiest (and shall well say “less objectionable” selections on this list). Step One  I briskly walk up to strangers with my hand up with pointer finger fully extended. Step 2 When I reach then I look in their eyes and squint as if I recognize them, but can’t remember their name. Step 3 I open my mouth as if I’m about to say something. Step 4 abruptly I close my mouth, look away, lower my hand, and briskly walk off. Now some people may be tempted to add an addition intro phrase such as “Excuse Me….” or “I just noticed….” this is fucking stupid because the point is too leave the person confused as fuck. Once you have walked off you want the said person to wonder who you were and more over what the hell were you about to say to them. The addition of words defeats the point so yeah there’s that.
  • I tend to when I get bored go to a local food store or grocery and create a godawful fucking scene by openly debating (to the point of rage) what the difference is between a Burrito and a Chimichanga is.
  • I get a kick out of telling fellow bar patrons that my favorite specialty drink I ever had was The Pale of Champale at_____ (Insert fictional place of choice), and then explain it’s a pale like you’d see at your garden variety hardware store filled to the brim with Champale.
  • Once in a while when I get bored I make a scene in public trying to literally kiss my own ass goodbye after just receiving some serious bad news from my doctor.

  • Quite often I go to my local gym and sit around eating the most unhealthy fatty food that couldn’t possible have another calorie added to it. When the gym rats and regulars get all bent out of shape about it. When they approach me about why I’m there I can tell them I’m an amateur sumo wrestler, and that I’m in training for the next Olympics because if I win a medal I can go pro.
  • Once many moons ago when I got bored I poured a shot of some rank cheap as bottom barrel bourbon, gargled with it, and then spit it out. I them poured beer into my hand and rubbed it through my hair and beard. Then for good measure I dribbled some beer down the front of my shirt. Next I drove around town until I saw a cop at which point I start to drive erratically until they pull me over. They get one wife of the booze and yank my ass out of the car for a sobriety test which I pass with flying fucking colors mind you. The cop will gets twisted because he/she can’t understand what the hell is happening. They will inevitable ask why you wreck of alcohol but are as sober as a goddamn judge. That when I replied “Well I’m tonight’s designated distraction.” WARNING: if the cop is an unforgiving prick you can be ticked or even taken into custody for this SO DO NOT TRY THIS ANYWHERE AT ANYTIME. THERE I LEGALLY COVERED MY ASS!

 

  • I call an import/export company and export some random shit. Then I call back the next day and hire them to specifically import everyone of the exports I sent out the pervious day.
  • I have been known when I get bored to call local businesses (especially malls) who have signs stating that pets aren’t allowed accept for seeing eye dogs, and ask them who the signs are for?! I then point out that the blind person in question can’t see nor read the sign because they are fucking blind. Meanwhile the seeing eye dog can’t read the sign so maybe a fucking sign falls a little fucking short of effective.
  • I make up absurd historical facts and attempt to convince them its true. For example the crock pot was derived from the ancient crotch pot. The crotch pot was a small clay jar that people kept between their legs for 12 -16 hours to heat the food contained within. To sell this one you can site the fact that Ancient Mongolian Warriors would take a piece of raw meat, stick it between the horse and the saddle to “cook” it. Then just google it and use it as an example of primitive cooking methods.
  • I hangout at local dog parks posing as a parks department employee who has been hired by the city to scoop the dog poop at the dog park. The reason the position was created was due to the increasing incidents of people getting in fist fights with other dog owners who use the park, but don’t pick up after their fucking dog. After I explain the position I then inform whomever I’m speaking with that while I’m a official  parks employee I work for tips due to department budget cuts.

 

  • If I get bored on vacation I just load up a bunch of scuba diving gear and other aquatic gadgets and head to the nearest lake. I then get in the water and start to act like a bonafide lunatic setting ups ll kinds of weird camera apparatus and drawing a lot of attention. That way when the people around me work up the courage/nerve to inquire as to what the hell I’m up to I tell them I’m hunting the Lock Ness Monster. When they point out that I’m not at Loch Ness the lake where the Loch Ness monster is alleged to reside I claim that the Loch Ness Monster has a distinct migratory pattern. It uses this unique migration  pattern to migrate from lake to lake around the world to avoid detection. This is why no one has been able to find or present any evidence of the Loch Ness monster’s existence.
  • I am found of logging onto dating websites so I can brag that I’m depended from a long historical line of bathroom attendants.

I think that’s enough for now so…

See you later,

by Justine Sane  

To whom it may concern: status update for FYB 2021

Hello Everyone and Everybody,

My name is Justin Sane and I am excited to finally address everyone out there in FYB land, and i’m not sure where to start. This is one of those things you plan out in your head, and when the moment comes at last your brain goes blank so your left just standing there with your genitals in your hand. To get started here’s a basic run down of FYB for you.

The creative team: the who’s who of FYB

  • Les Sober Founder FYB Inc. and Creative Director
  • Justin Sane  Les’s righthand, long time friend, and Director of Content
  • Otto Rageous  Les’ lefthand man, long time  and Project Director
  • Lady Les’ wife, better half, handler, guardian angel, confidant, best friend soulmate, consultant, advisor, and unofficial 4th member of the FYB Team.
  • SpaceDog Les’s partner in crime, long time friend, and Content Contributor.
  • N@P Les’s close friend, content contributor, and Creative consult.
  • Coming soon!!! C-Nobody Les’s good friend, musician, creative consultant, and future content contributor.

What’s in a name?

The name thing actually started. Les, Otto,and I had a hardcore punk band called Stank breath. I can’t remember why exactly the reason we chose the name Stank Breath, but that’s high school freshmen boys for you. Since we were a punk band we all assumed stage names, and we have keep them for  every artistic project since. The point is we want people to know our work  not who we are. The point is Les isn’t the only paranoid introvert around these parts though he currently the local heavy weight champion, and will be defending the quad county championship belt next month in Muncie Indiana. Tickets on sale now $15 in advance $20 at the door. Doors open at 7 pm and the show starts at 8 pm Must be 21+ with valid proof of age for admittance is strictly enforced. Event is being held at the town’s local senior center use google maps for directions.

My 2 cents worth

The question of why I’m writing this now or why the hell am I here all of a sudden which is fare enough. FYB has been on an unplanned break due to circumstances mainly beyond our control. Some might say we are in some sort of “control”of situations when it comes to Les. Thats why I specifically stated for the record “mainly beyond our control” because have you ever tried to wrangle a fucking category 5 shitnado before?! It ain’t easy and damned near impossible.

To briefly recap Les is an extremely intense and some what emotionally unstable which makes him both a creative force to be reckoned with and an out of control asshole. Les has spent most of his life looking to master moderation so he could achieve some sort of balance in his chaotic existence. Les is a lot like moonshine in that as it ages Moonshine mellows as it becomes less abrasive and stronger with the passing of time. So if you meet Les and think he’s a motherfucking madman you can only imagine what dealing with him was like in the early days.

                 

We collectively and in total agreement decided Les needed to try and take a break from everything in an attempt to keep him on the safer side of insanity. First off there was the hellishly busy and corrosively commercial holidays. What people including Les learned in 2020 is that getting a family together for a Zoom call in reality is actually harder to pull off than just gathering everyone in a group someplace. When you enter the Zoom universe you enter a suspended space and time continuum that is far more abstract is structure than that of the Physical realm or reality.

Unfortunately aside from the hell of the holidays a perfect fucking shitstorm has been brewing for several weeks in the land of Les recently. So it stay focused and on topic I’m going to paraphrase and use plenty of actual quotes from Les to give you a closer first hand view. The thing that you most likely notice is these are all things that SERIOUSLY Piss Les Off hence the perfect shitstorm scenario.

        

The Security Situation

Les has such high standards that the Lunatic can’t even live up to them. Thats right Les’s standards for People himself included are so High they are virtually unreachable. Its like dangling a carrot infant of a stubborn donkey to get it to walk. The donkey will never get the carrot but as long as it sees it hanging in mid air right in front of its face it remains obtainable as far as the donkey is concerned anyway. Customer service is a huge issue with Les who has gone on record making statements like :

  • “Is it too goddamn much to ask some fucking idiot to do their fucking job?!”
  • “They act like I’m bothering them, oh so fucking sorry for making you do the job you’re getting pain to fucking do in the first fucking place.”
  • “Incompetent or Uncaring either fucking way they’re all a bunch of motherfucking fuckers.”
  • “Apparently customer service is a dead industry and now asshole rule the fucking world.”

There was an issue with the FYB security system which I will not get into here as Les is already working feverishly on a Post about it with all the gritty details. Anyway the System was fucking up, Les spent 5 plus hours on the phone trying to remedy the problem with the alarm company, got so pissed that he switched alarm companies, and got a better deal. Even though Les is fond of saying “Alls well that ends well” he forgets to mention that in spite of the newer and far superior alarm system he will hold a grudge concerning how shitty the customer service of the original alarm company was. Les may not be able to carry a tune but he can carry a grudge for fucking YEARS.

Dealing with Les I am constantly reminded of my favorite scene from the movie From Dusk To Dawn. It’s the scene where the main characters have gained access to the Biker Bar and Harvey Keitel asks George Clooney’s character. Keitel’s character asks Clooney’s character if he is so stupid that he doesn’t know when he won. This is alluding to the fact while Clooney’s character’s plan is working and he’s hours away from being rich having escaped the authorities, but he’s willing to blow it all because he’s pissed at a Bar Patron for getting in his face. Thats Les in a nutshell. Sure the ordeal sucked like a $2 crack whore on a week long bender, yet as Les pointed out in the end he actually came out on top, but he rather focus on still being pissed about how it all went down even now that its over. Les I love you buddy but for Christ’s Sake LET IT GO LES JUST LET IT FUCKING GO BROTHER!!!

An apple a day keeps the doctors away….

Les is also been increasingly shitty due to his annual yearly doctor’s visit, and Les has let his contempt, disgust, and flat out hatred for all doctors (dentists included the sadistic fuckers) so no surprise he’s not a happy camper about having to see the doctor even if it is his. As Les has summed it up “Fuck doctors every fucking medical procedure is Painful or Uncomfortable, Costly, and usually rather embarrassing bordering on humiliating. Then all the greedy cocksuckers have to tell you is bad news followed by worse fucking news.”

See we all know doctors and all that shit sucks and the system sucks even worse, but we deal with it the best we can and life goes on. Not Les though he runs into a bump in the road and wants to fucking declare full blown fucking war on it. He becomes hyper focused to the point of obsession with destroying whatever is in his way or upset him. Les’s unofficial motto is “You fuck with me and I’ll fucking fuck you back 10 times over.” Les can be a truly vengeful son of a bitch. Its not good for his fucking health it fucking can’t be. I mean getting so stressed out or frustrated that you turn such a deep shade of red you look like the top of your fucking head is going to explode like a volcano. So at that point  I mean your blood pressure has to be totally fucked up.

         

YouTube lands on Les’s shit list

As You are more than likely aware Les has been fucking Livid because Youtube recently changed their policies concerning age restricted content playing on 3rd party sites. Ever since it first took effect (Les was caught off guard because he doesn’t keep up on current tech shit or what big tech is up to) Les went APE SHIT. Once he “Calmed down” he was spitting venom like crazy about how big tech are greedy capitalism driven corporate whores who look at people as walking talking ATM machines. Les SHIT HAPPENS BROTHER. All Les wanted to do was find away to thwart YouTubes Policies, but Youtube just implemented these policies so if there is a way around them no one has figured it out yet. In the mean time all that we need to do is research other similar platforms until we find one that we can use or use to replace Youtube all together.

I mean I don’t get how the hell Les didn’t see this coming, and I’m sure he did he just wasn’t giving the situation his full undivided attention. Les knew things were changing because things always change, and it was when he was doing our most in-depth piece on GG Allin that Les discovered YouTube was pushing for more of their content to be on a buy or rent basis instead of free. Then Les was aware of YouTube going ballistic with the whole fucking monetization thing from increased advertising to YouTube taking a hefty cut of YouTuber’s profits. Then came the age restricted content deal which simply funnels more traffic to their site to the detriment of smaller 3rd party sites. It’s the usual case of the big dogs throwing their weight around to subjugate the little guy.

I mean this age restricted bullshit happened at the same time YouTube made its first major move into the streaming market with the ironically named YouTube TV. I get everyone wants a piece of the streaming pie, but YouTube streaming tv shows and shit just seems like a conflict of interest to me anyway. AGAIN LES IT IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD FUCK YOUTUBE AND LETS BE PROACTIVE INSTEAD OF REACTIVE!!!

Health insurance is hell

Lastly Les has been dealing with several different health insurance companies pertaining to prescription drug programs (we have no idea why though as of yet) and its not goin well. “Its going from the frying pan into the fire back into the frying pan and then back into the fire once again” as Les has put it. Apparently things with his health insurance weren’t to his liking so he’s been shopping around. To make things worse Les’s wife got shitty information and subpar assistance from a healthcare professional who helped her select her and Les’s new plan.

Due to the poor advice she signed up to a plan that turns out she wasn’t even happy with. There was all this fine print bullshit and they failed to send Les’s wife the proper paperwork in time for them to review it and use the opt out clause. Les is fucking furious and had repeatedly yelled “This is by far the shittiest fucking bullshit plan I have ever heard of it’s fucking pointless. You pay out your ass and get nothing in return its a fucking racket, a goddamn fucking scam.”

Les does have a point though in that the health insurance company your paying to protect you incase of illness or injury EMPLOY AN ENTIRE DEPARTMENT who’s job it is to thoroughly direct each and every customer claim ti find a way NOT TO PAY THE CLAIM. So when you see those fucking bullshit health insurance ads on tv remember they’ll gladly take your money while simultaneously trying to fuck you over.

So all in all Les will be returning shortly and has agreed to accept the help he know he could use, but refuses to ask for. As far as the future is concerned you’ll be hearing more from me along with Otto and some new Content Providers such as C-Nobody in 2021.

Sincerely,

Justin Sane  

I’ve Seen Some Stupid Shit But This Is A New One

This Story Starts a Short While before the 2020 Election when it was Revving Up to be the Total Post Election Shit Show it is Currently. One Day I had to Run a Mundane Errand that required that I Drive over to a Near by Neighboring Town. This is a frequent Side Effect of Living in a Town So Small it Only has one Single Traffic Light is it Requires that You Travel for a wide Variety of Reasons. The Main Reason being in a Small Town You have Limited Choices (and Certain Product Availability) so Traveling to a More Populated Area becomes Part of the Chore.

This Particular Drive is Quite Scenic as it Runs Through a Mix of Pine Forrests and Farming Fields with the Odd Small House/ Mobile Home sprinkled in Here and There. The Road as one might Imagine Qualifies as the Road Less Taken since You can Drive Miles before seeing Even One Other Car on the Road. Around the Midway Point of the Journey on the right side of the Road Across from a Empty Farmer’s Field is what appears at first to be a Viable Side Street or Road if You will. It is in fact The Top of someone’s Driveway You Can’t actually see the House from the Road because it’s Hidden in a You Guessed it One Forrest. What You can See is that approximately a Quarter Mile down this Long ass Driveway is a Large Cast Iron Gate Blocking. There’s 10 Foot Brown Stone Walls on Either Side of the Gate that Start about Ten Feet High and Taper off toward the Ground. I have No Idea what the Aesthetic Brown Stones are because I’m not a fucking Geologist, but They Look Halfway Decent.

         

Now as I Mentioned this was in the Pre 2020 Election and America was in a Chaotic Frenzy. Well on this particular Day as I drove by I Noticed the Residents had Placed 25-30 Elect Trump Yard Signs about Four Feet Apart Down both sides of their Driveway.  It was Overkill in Every Sense of the Word. Now We Fast Forward the Election is Over, Biden has Been Certified by the Electoral Collage, and its been a Month and a Half Past Election Night. So the Next Time I had to had to Run an Errand Out that Way it was No Real Surprise that the Elect Trump 2020 Yard Signs had been Removed. Now on the Way into Town I Noticed a Excessively Large Banner Displayed at the Top of the Same Property where the Elect Trump 2020 signs had Previously been. I noticed it too Late to see what it Said, but I decided that right then and there that on the Way Back I would Most Definitely Find out what this Banner was all About.

On the Way Back I made sure to Slow Down (which is Easy to do on a Road with Virtually no Traffic as I mention Earlier) so I could take in the Banner in its Entirety and What I saw I found Absolutely Dumbfounding. At the Top Half of the Banner on a Dark Navy Background it Said in Big Block Letter in all Caps “TRUMP SIGN THIEVES” and there was a Phone Number displayed Under it also in Big Ass Font. The Bottom Half consisted of 3 Pictures of Three Different Cars of the Suspected Sign Thieves Vehicles, but We’ll get back to that in a Minute. It was Painfully and Blatantly Obvious that the Home Owner was 1. Die Hard Trump Supporter 2. Was Pissed as Hell about Their Elect Trump 2020 Yard Signs being Stolen. What I want to Know is What the fuck do Does the Home Owner Expect to Happen pertaining to The Stolen Yard Sign Banner?

                  

I First thought to Myself Seriously How fucking Stupid since Yard Signs Run an Average of 97 Cents to Custom Make so This Person was Out a Whopping $48.50. This is Horribly Ironic since this Banner They had made cost Them a Couple Hundred Dollars so that 3-4 times as Much as the Cost of the Yard Signs. I just figure Out if You’re Pissed about being Out $50 Why the Hell would You then Invest a Couple Hundred in an Additional Banner? I may be Shitty at Math but Even I can tell You That Doesn’t Add Up. The Only Possibly Reason I could Muster was The Home Owner Truly Believed that the Stolen Yard Sign Banner would in deed Pay Off in the End. Still the Question Remained What was the Intention of the Home Owner since They are having a rather Extreme Reaction to the Theft of Their Shitty Elect Trump 2020 Year Signs?

This is My Hypothesis on this Oddly Absurd Situation. Once the Home Owner Saw the Signs were Stolen the Enraged Idiot(s) called the fucking Local Police and Reported it. The Cops basically Blew the Hoe Owner Off due to the Ridiculous Nature of the So Called Offense. Then the Pissed Off Assholes decided They would have to take Matter into Their Own Hands with Their Bizarre Brand of Vigilante Justice. They then had to Spend some Time coming up with a Course of Action and in The End They settled on Big Ass Bullshit Banner. Next They had to go to a Graphics Shop and have the Banner made and again Pay a Few Hundred Dollars for it. After that They returned Home and Erected the Batshit Banner at the Top of Their Driveway, and I assume are Still Waiting for the Banner to yield Results.

At this Point I’d like to Readdress the 3 Large Blown Up Pictures of the Alleged Sign Thieves Vehicles. The First Thing I’d like to Address is the Fact that These Pictures are so Shitty and Off Point its fucking Mind Boggling. What I mean is all Three Picture are Utterly Useless since NO INFORMATION can be deduced from Them. You See Each Picture Failed to Catch the Car’s License Plate which is in the Second Chapter of “The Big Book of Duh”.  Since all the Photos are Shot at Insanely Strange Angles You also have No Chance to possible See the Driver or Anyone Else Who Might be in the Car. For all Intents and Purposes the Pics look like they were taken by a Drone that was being Operated by The Clueless Village Idiot. I say this because Not Only  all the Car Photos Void of Any Pertinent Information Whatsoever the Picture seem to have been taken From Above at Random Angles. It’s Almost as if the Camera was Basically Shooting Down from Above the Cars.

Not to Mention the Fact The Home Owner had Photos (as Shitty as They Were) actually had Photos since where the fuck was the Camera Located in the First Place? With a Vast and Empty FArmer’s Field across the Road from the Property there is No Where to Attach any Type of Camera since Theres Literally Nothing to Attach it too. This Must Mean the Camera would have to have Been Mounted on the Same side of the Street as the Home Owner’s Property. The Issue there is again Where was the Camera Located? My Wife Theorized the Pictures were Caught by a Security Camera at the Gate. The Problem with that is as I said the Gate is a Quarter Mile Down from the Road, and since the Yard Signs were running down the Sides of the Main Road the Camera couldn’t see Shit to take a Picture.

                  

The Next Option would have been the Most Likely in Most Cases. We live in a Rural ass Area where Hunting and Fishing are as Big as Professional Sports, and Most Hunters Use Motion Activated Trail Cameras to Surveil Perspective Hunting Territory for Game. Thus it would make the Most Sense if Someone mounted a Trail Camera or Perhaps Several to the Pine Trees that Comprise the Forrest on the Home Owner’s Property. The Only Problem with the Stolen Sign Situation is a Trail Camera Would Have to be Mounted at the Same Hight as the Cars, and Not 15 feet up the Trunk of the Tree since its Motion Activated (and You’d want to Photograph Cars Not Birds Flying in the Distance). Thats How I came to the Only Reason I could Think of which is it was a Drone Camera but Who fucking Knows.

As for the Intent of the Banner I am Equally as Clueless as I still can’t Deduct what the fuck the Home Owner thinks is going to Happen as a Result of Their Banner? The Police aren’t going to be of any Assistance due to it being No Where Near a Priority, and The Only Evidence is the Three aforementioned Crappy Photos a 3 Cars that contain Nothing of Value as far as Information. So is the Home Owner Honestly expecting that some Stranger Driving down the Main Road Outside of their Property, See the Banner, and Somehow be Able to Identify One of the Cars. This is Already a Never Going to Happen Hell or High Water Situation, but I’ll Play Devil’s Advocate for the Sake of Argument.

                

Let’s Say Someone did see the Banner and All That the Home Owner is Banking on that Person Giving as Big as a Shit about the Stolen Signs as the Owner. The Stranger would have to be Equally as Enraged over a Case of Stolen Yard Signs to even Give a Shit. If it were Me and I saw the Banner and Actually Knew One of the Cars (“Oh Shit Thats Phil’s Car!”) the Next time I saw the Car Owner I’d tell Him how Hilarious I find the Whole thing and Way to Go. Point Being the Last damn thing I’d do is call the Number on the Sign I simply wouldn’t Say Shit. Lastly even if the Home Owner found Out Who the Cars Belong To fuck are They Going to Do? There’s really No Legal Recourse (just ask the Cops who were annoyed by the Reporting of this Piddly Shit) so They could Only do One of Two Things.

Option One is to Tell Everyone around since Word Travels fast in a Small Town where Everybody Knows Everybody. This would be to Call the Culprit Out and Publicly Shame Them in the Eyes of Their Friends, Family, and Community (Most of Which are Avid Church Goers so “Thou Shall Not Steal’). I also Suppose in this Day and Age They could do the Same by Talking Shit on Social Media to Vent as well as Call Out the Guilty Party. If the Home Owner is a real Dicks They could Go Over to the Alleged Guilty Person’s Residence and Address the Matter Face to Face. This would Not be a Safe Decision since the Home Owner Would Either End Up In Jail for Showing Up and Acting like a World Class Asshole or For Killing the Supposedly Guilty Person. That or They End up Getting Shot, Beaten to a Bloody Pulp  or Killed Themselves. Anyway You Slice it it Always Ends Badly for the Idiotic Home Owner. So the Question Remains the Same: What the Fuck is the Point?

Besides it being an Utter Absurdity of the Situation I’m just Relieved it s something Entertaining instead of Asinine. I mean at Least it wasn’t a Situation like This Old Cranky Bastard that Lives in My Neighborhood Who is Still Flying His Elect Trump Flag like an Absolute Asshole.

Thanks For Reading,

By Les Sober  

Criminals OR Cowards Which One Are The Police?!

The Police as Started as an Racist Anti-African American Organization and has Evolved over the Decades into a Full Blown fucking Criminal Organization. There are Far too many Problems to Address all at Once as it Would Take Forever and a Day to Cover them All. The True Root of the Issue is while Citizens are Trained Basically from Birth to Inherently Trust the Police No Matter what, and Meanwhile the Police are Trained from Day One at the Academy NOT to Trust You in the Least. If You listen to any Recording of a Police Academy Class the Common Theme is The Instructor paints America as some Lawless Post Apocalyptic Max Max Wild West Wasteland. Not Only that but They Instill a Permanent and Lasting Fear in the Police Officers in Training that Everyone is a Killer, You can Be Killed at Any Point, and Everyone is Armed to the Teeth (One of the Downsides of the Second Amendment).

The Other Chief contributing Factor to Shitty Relations between Cops and Citizens happen Many Year Ago. Back then the Police had a Supply and Demand Problem as there was an Increasing Demand for Police Officers, but  the Number of New Cadets at the Police Academies was Minimal. Simple at that point in Time the Number of People interested in Becoming Cops was Severely Lacking. Stuck between the Preverbal Rock and a Hard Place the Police had Only one Real Viable Option, and that was to Significantly Lower the Police Entrance Tests. They basically Lowered Their Standards to get More Cops on the Street in Spite of the Fact They were Recruiting and Training Individuals that They Normally would NEVER Allow to be Cops. The Main Problem was the again Significant Lowering of the Entrance Psychological Evolution (I think We can all Agree an Insane Sadistic Fuck shouldn’t have a fucking Gun).

                   

Now Among the Endless Myriad of Issues between the Police and the Public that I am going to Elaborate on is the Hypocrisy of How the Police Deal with Peaceful Protesters. This Problem Dates back to the 50’s and 60’s with the Civil Rights Movement and The Anti-Vietnam War Groups. It didn’t matter if You were and African American or an Idealistic Hippy the Police Treated every Protester the same Brutally. Thats Right the same fucking People that Cops are SWORN to Protect and Serve where the same fucking People They were Abusing, Beating, and Arresting. And for what I ask You? For utilizing Their Right to Peaceful Assembly to Protest the Ills of a Sick Society. It’s a Slap in the fucking Face to The First Amendment The Freedom of Speech. Never has this Hypocrisy been made More Abundantly Clear then with the Black Lives Matter Movement in 2020.

Black Lives Matter were Wide Spread Peaceful Protests against Police Brutality and Systemic Racism that Spread from Country to Country. taking it to a Global Level.Unfortunately it’s No Secret that Police Abuse, Exploit, and Kill African Americans at a More than Alarming Rate, and its been that Way ever since the Earliest Days of The Police. It has gotten so fuckng Bad that at this Point in 2020 Police aren’t just Shooting African Americans at an Insanely Increasing Rate, But in Today’s Times They’re Straight Up Murdering Them seemingly at Will. An Accompanying Issue is that it’s also No Secret that the Laws Don’t Apply to the Police the Same as for Your Average Citizen. The Police Badge is Essentially a License to Kill to Begin with Then the Police have Ultimate Immunity with the phrase “I was afraid for My Life.” This enabled a Police Officer to Shoot and Kill Someone, and then Get Off Scot Free just by Simply Saying “I was Afraid for My Life.” and on those grounds No Court would Ever Really Convict a Cop. Anyway back to the Point.

                   

So to Recap right Quick Black Lives Matter Protests went Global as the World United behind a Common Cause in an Attempt to make a Change. These Protests were held in all 50 States, and Received a Phenomenal amount of News Coverage both through the Traditional Media as well as Social Media. Aside from the Odd Man Out Assholes the BLM Protests where in Large Completely Peaceful that was until the Police Arrived. Then All Hell Broke Loose as Chaos Erupted in the Streets. If You want to know Who Came looking for a Riot Look at Who Came Prepared for One. The Scene always Played Out the Same fucking Way like fucking Clockwork. The Protesters would Assemble, the Protest would Begin, and then The Police would Arrive in Full Blown Riot/SWAT Gear in Armored Vehicles Armed to the fucking Teeth. The Police Dressed in Paramilitary Gear would Form a Human Barricade to Block the Protesters from Advancing, and would Remain in this Formation for a Time.

Inevitably Though the Police would at Some Point start to Advance on the Protesters slowly walking towards Them Shields Up and Night Sticks at the Ready. Then in a Split Second (if that) the Police would Launch Their Utterly Unprovoked Offensive Literally Attacking the Protesters, and Escalating The Level of Their Extremely Violent Response to a Peaceful Protest Situation. The Next thing Anyone Knew The Cops were Beating Protesters with Night Sticks, Throwing People to the Ground (and then Beating them), Bombing the Protesters with Canisters of Tear Gassing, Firing Rubber Bullets at Protesters, and Tasering Protesters again TOTALLY UNPROVOKED. It got so Intensely fucked up that at One Point You had Men in Military Uniforms without Identification Grabbing Protesters at Random. They then would Toss the Protester(s) into an Unmarked Black SUV that would then Speed Off Somewhere and God Knows what the fuck happened AFter that or What the Hell became of those Detained Protesters in the End.

                   

The Scene that summed it up for Me personally was the Footage of a Old Man in His Early 70’s Started to Approach a Police Officer as a Sizeable Group of Cops Marched down the Street. The Old Man had an Innocent Enough Question He wanted to ask the Cop but the Cop Strong Arms the Old Man Knocking Him Flat on His Back. When the Old Man was Shoved Over He was Standing on the Sidewalk so when He fell the Back of His Head Slammed into the Concrete and Busted Open. As the Old Man Lay on His back Bleeding from the Head Totally Helpless and in Need of  Immediate Medical Care EVER SINGLE COP in the Group of Approximately 25-30 Police Officers walked Past Him and DIDN’T DO A GODDAMN THING. They just Left Him Lying there without a fucking Care in the World. Now I ask You How/Why the fuck would or Should Anyone  ever Trust a fucking Cop when in Fact They should be fucking afraid of Them. I’m Sorry to say but it’s Beginning to Look like All My Heroes are Cop Killers, and That’s Ultimately Tragic Unto Itself.

Meanwhile it was a Completely Different fucking Story when MAGA Extremists, Diehard Trump Supporters, Racist Groups/Organizations, or Pro Trump Militias came to Town. Whenever these Either Racist Thugs like the Proud Boys (Pissy Bitches is More like It) or The Wannabe Tough Guy MAGAs/Trump Supporters it’s Always the Same Old Song. MAGA/Trump Supporters Dressed HEad to Toe in Camo and Sporting Combat Boots (as Well as whatever else They can Pick Up at Their Local Army Surplus Store) like Larping GI Joes wondering the Streets while Brandishing a Wide Variety of Guns. When these Motherfuckers show up somewhere to Start Fights/ Physically Attack People like the Racist Cowards or Stroll Around Town Even without Open Carry Laws carrying Assault Weapons and Shit.

The Most Outrageous Example of This is When a Bunch of these Play Soldiers Stormed a Government Building and Heavily Armed (and that would be an Understatement) completely Unobstructed. No One Tried to Stop Them even though Bringing Any Weapon into a fucking Federal Building is fucking Federal Crime. Right There is My Point during all the Illegal and Violent Shit Perpetrated by The Racist Scumfuckers or MAGA/Trump Supporter Pieces of Shit THERE WAS NEVER A SINGLE COP TO BE FOUND. I Never Saw a single Cop Not a One in ANY of the Footage from these Type of Events. No Armored Vehicles, Tear Gas, Rubber Bullets, Night Sticks, or Tasers Anywhere. The SWAT Team Never Came Storming In Nor the Droves of Cops in Riot Gear that Blocked Streets and Attacked the Peaceful Protesters. Forget Protect and Serve these Police Officers didn’t even Show the fuck Up.

So Where Exactly were all the Cops when all this bullshit went Down ? Well there Three Possible Answers to that Question. The First Answer is the Cops are fucking Violent, Rage Filled, Mental Unfit, Corrupt, Racist, Abusive, Anti-Semetic, Homophobic, Mindless Thugs who get Off on Abusing Their Power. The Bottomline is this means that The Cops are The Criminals Plain and Simple. The Second is that the Police are Lowly Cowards who in the Face of Actual Real Danger Run and Hide down at the Police Station like a Bunch of Scarred Little Bitches. This Means the Cops are Spineless and Gutless Cowards that make Themselves feel like Macho Men by Brutalizing Peaceful Protesters, But in Reality are Terrified of Anyone Posing Real Danger so They Piss Their Pants and make Themselves Scarious. Lastly is the Third Answer which I believe to be the Correct One which is the Answer is BOTH. I believe that Cops are Both Sleazy fucking Criminals and are World Class Cowards, but you can make up Your Own Mind.

Thanks For Reading,

By Les Sober  (Pt2:23Am)

A Drunken Case Of Mistaken Identity

For those of Us that Drink Alcoholic Beverages like Myself We all have had Drunken Mishaps Along the Way. Everything from Drunken Phone Calls professing Undying Love to an Irritated Ex to Vomiting to a Full Blown Bar Room Brawl We’ve all been there at Least Once when Alcohol is Involved. This is one of those Not so Proud Moments during a Night Out Drinking like there was No Tomorrow a Few Years Back.

It all Started with a New Job, New Office, and of course New Co-Workers. I’m not what one would call a Social Butterfly by Any Means, but over the First Few Weeks I slowly became Friends with a Coworker Named Zander. Zander and I worked in the Same Small Department which made it Easier for ME to Socialize Comfortably. So as Time Rolled On I reached that Pivotal Point in a Work Friendship where You ask said Friend if They in fact would like to Hangout Outside of Work. Now I new Zander had Three Young Kids all Under the Age of Ten so Free Time was Something He had in Extremely Short Supply. Thats One Life Lesson We all Eventually Learn, and that is When Your Friends have Kids They Disappear. It’s like They go into some Parenting Witness Protection Program.

                   

What even First Time Parents Don’t Fully fucking Realize is that When You have a Kid Your Entire Life becomes dedicated to one Sole Purpose and that’s Raising the Child/Children. Also it’s Not its Not just in the Physical World that Their Absence is Notable either. They Stop returning Texts, Answering Emails, Taking Phone Calls, and They Abandon Their Social Media Accounts. If By Chance Do Keep a Social Media Account Active it turns into the “HEY LOOK AT MY KID EVERYBODY” as if the Entire Rest of the World has a fucking Vested Interest in the Daily Life of Your Child. Anyway back to the Story.

One Day I finally asked Zander if He wanted to go get a Beer or Something After Work since it was Friday, and the beginning of the Weekend Plus it was Pay Day. Zander thought about it the Way Parents Do by Pausing, Getting Quit, and Starring off like They’re going into a Trance. I mean its Not like You asked Them an Advanced Calculous Question, but again a Child is a Dominating Force to be Reckoned with. I waited patiently watching the Gears in Danders Head start Spinning as He did a Mental Checklist of Kid Shit He may or may Not have to Do (as Well as Responsibilities like Feeding the Kids and all that Maintenance Shit). At Last Zander returned to the Adult World Outside of His Head, and Said He was pretty sure He could come Out, BUT He had to Run Home Directly afterwork to Clear it with His Wife. It made sense to Me since No One like getting Shafted with having to Handle the Kids/Kid Shit by One’s Self as Raising a Child is a Tag Team Activity. The way We left it was Once I got to the Bar I would call Zander at Home and He would come on Down.

                   

I decided on a Local Old Man Dive Bar in the Area since called Maloney’s because I hate Sports Bars or Any Loud, Packed, and Obnoxious Bar for that matter. I also figured it was an Ideal Spot because the Drinks Were Strong and Cheap since being a Parent of Three Money as well as Time always seems to be an Issue. Now You must Understand a Few Things about Maloney’s to Understand some of the Reasons for the Confusion. First Off this was Back in the when People could Smoke in Bars allowing Them to get Cancer while becoming an Alcoholic. Maloney’s being a Old Man Dive Bar was full of Not Just Smokers, But Old School Smokers from Back in the Days when Doctor’s Did TV Ads for Cigarette Companies.

These were the Hardcore Smokers Who Woke Up ever Morning and the First thing They did was Light up a Smoke, and Use it to light the Next Smoke, and The Next, and the Next. They’d Chain-smoke all Day and Night Long just Lighting One Smoke off of the Previous One No Need for a Lighter or Match. Considering Maloney’s is/was a Small Hole in the Wall that at Most was around 500 Square Feet the Cloud of Smoke inside was Constant and Thick. Another thing about Maloney’s is the Lighting is Virtually Non Existent. It was so goddamn Dark that when You entered You had to Stand in the Door for Several Minutes while Your eyes did Their Best to Adjust to the Bare Minimum Lighting.

                   

When I got there with My Wife We Noticed a Handful of Regulars that We were Friendly with were Sitting at the Bar. We said Hey to the People We Knew and I started Drinking. It wasn’t until the 4th beer or So that I remembered I was supposed to call Zander. Well after 2-3 more Beers I actually called Him. Zander said His Wife was Cool with taking care of  the Kid Shit for the Evening. Zander then said  He’d be Down in about Half an Hour since He was Driving from His In-Laws Who lived a Town or Two Over. Since I had honored My Obligations I simply went back to Drinking. I had lost Track of Time and the Number of Beer/Shots I was consuming when My Wife Leaned Over and asked Me if That Was My Friend Who had Just Walked In. We Were in a Far Corner table Since I have to Sit where I can See Everything and Everyone due to being rather Paranoid. I strained My Eyes battling the Lower than Low Lighting, and Peering intently through the Heavy Cloud of Smoking hanging in the Room. The Man who had just Arrived was approximately the same age and Height as Zander so based on those Observations alone decided it was in deed Zander.

                    

As I walked across the Room the Man walked over and took a Seat at the Bar where He immediately started fucking with His Phone. I get one to the Bar and take a Seat on the Empty Stool Next to the Man still under the Assumption that I He’s My New Friend Zander. The Man doesn’t Acknowledge My Presence, in fact He didn’t bat single fucking Eye Lash He remained Face Down in His Phone utterly Oblivious. While I was approached the Bar I had heard the Man order a Vodka and Cranberry, and Not Knowing Zander’s Drink of Choice I used this to Break the Ice. I said “Vodka and Cranberry Huh?” to which the Man Ever so Slightly and I mean almost imperceivable to the Human Eye turned His Head in My Direction and Grunted something Obviously Not giving a Flying fuck about what I had to Say. I Sat there in a Confused Drunken Stupor trying to Figure Out what the fuck was going on with Zander. Had He had a Fight with His Wife on the way out the Door, Gotten a phone call with some Bad News on the Way Over, Or Perhaps He was just an Introverted Dick when He was Off The Clock.

                   

Before I can contemplate what to do in this Bizarre Situation My Wife comes Up Behind Me and Leans Over to Talk to Me. Ironically My Wife (the One Who had Pointed the Man to Me in the First fucking Place) informs Me that I am have Mistaken a Complete fucking Stranger for My Friend Zander, and She knew this since while I was Sitting at the Bar the Real Zander had Arrived. Luckily Zander had been able to Identify My Wife and had come over to the Table to say Hello and Properly Introduce Himself. Granted due to being Overtly Intoxicated (aka Drunk as Drunk can Be) I was Not at all Subtle in My Processing of this New Information courtesy of My Wife. I Jumped Off the Stool and Demanded to know, even though I was the Confused One, to know Who the Fuck was I Sitting Next Too, and What the fuck was He doing Here Exactly. I treated the Situation as if This Unknown Asshole was at Fault for the Mistake, as if He had Purposefully planned to Confuse the Hell Out of Me. This Obviously of Course was Not the Case at All.

My Wife Escorted Me back to Our Table where I greeted Zander and Proceeded to have an Extremely Enjoyable Night. In Fact God knows How Long its been Since I left that Job, but Zander and I still get out once in a while for a couple of Beers.

Thanks For Reading,

By Les Sober   

November 7th, 2020 The Day America Saved Its Own Ass

I don’t Comment on Much or Really Anything about the World Outside of FYB on FYB and there’s a Couple Good Reasons Why. First Off FYB is a World Unto Itself, and Should Not be fucked over by the Bullshit in Real Life as FYB Provides well needed Escapism. The Second is one of the Wisest things Anyone Ever fucking Told Me which is “Three things You should’t discuss with Other People about Money, Politics, or Religion.”, and I will never forget it to the Day I Depart this Planet. Money is a relatively New Addition to the List of Topics, but as for the Latter Two it’s Old News. The Reason for Avoiding said Topics is They Both can Turn a Relaxed and Pleasant Conversation into a UnHoly Shitshow in a Matter of a few Seconds.

                   

With that Said I Honestly Feel at this Particular Point in American History I Want to, Need to, and Must go on the Record. Four Years Ago in 2016 when a Certain Orange Shit Gibbon Stole the American Election the Country and the Entire World knew things were going to Get Really fucked up, But No One Knew to what Extent. Well its pretty fucking Safe to Say that the Increasing Nightmare in America was Far More Fucked Up than even the Most Pessimistic Pessimist could have Predicted. The World watched On in Shock and Awe as They watched a Once Proud Nation Slip Further and Further into a Fascist Ruled Poverty Ridden Police State. I’ll say it America was Headed Straight Towards the First American Dictator with The Orange Asshole in Office. America Long Standing Issues of Wealth Inequality, Party over Country, Racism, Oppression of Women Rights, Homophobia, Anti-Semitism, and an Unchecked Level of Ignorant and Uneducated People Rise to a Unthought Level of Pure Hate Driven Destruction.

                   

The Orange Anti-Christ was Only Out for Himself, and the Pay Day of Being President, from Day One He Only Served Himself. As far as Everyone Else as Far as His Fat Orange Ass was Concerned Fuck Them All. He Lied over 20, 000 Documented Times, He Uses Social Media to Lie and Spread Propaganda/Misinformation/Conspiracy Theories, He was IMPEACHED for Attempting to Commit Treason by using a Foreign Country to Interfere in a American Election, He Alone (Not Including His Administration of Assembled World Class Abominable Assholes, and His Ass Kissing Associates)  has had over 100 Scandals Ranging from Pedophilia to 27 Charges of Rape to Promoting Racism/Racist Organizations or Groups to Tax Fraud to Committing Treason in 2016 and trying again in 2020.

The Orange Asshat did Everything He could to Divide Americans turning The People Against Themselves. Meanwhile He and His Corrupt Party of Complict Traitors and Army of Ass Kissing Sycophants could Grab Fist Fulls s of Dirty Dollars and Lust for More and More Power. The Orange Assclown was the Actual Human Equivalent to fucking Cancer. Everything He touched or Associated with turned to Total Unadulterated Shit. He Personifies what is referred to as a “Shit Person”.

                   

Then After Four Long and Insanely Dark Years the Orange Emperor of Assholes Illegitimate Presidency was Threatened with Termination of a Second Term by the 2020 Presidential Election. Now the Orange Anal Fisher had a Particular Problem being the “Boy Who Cried Wolf” Syndrome. The Obese Orange Bastard had been Caught Habitually Lying to the Point it His Lies were Loosing Their Power to Manipulate the Masses. So the Evil Orange Asshole amped up His Cult Base of The Shittiest People on the fucking Planet (Racists, Evangelicals, Pedophiles, Crooks, Liars, Thieves, Sex Offenders, Drunken Wife Beaters, Uneducated White Trash, Homophobes, AntiSemites etc.) to New Heights of Hellacious Havoc. He became so Desperate He and His Piece of Shit Party tried and Spouted all the fucking bullshit They could come up with. Not to Mention as They made Allegation after Allegation to Date all have been TOTALLY UNFOUNDED and Utterly fucking FALSE. The Shit They Babbled on about became Increasingly Bizarre and Absurd to the Point it was a fucking Joke even Alienating His Own Supporters. The Orange Anus’s Legacy (like His Entire Life is One) is One Ongoing Full Blown FAILURE.

                    

Inevitably the Outrageous Orange Assface Ranted, Raved and Raged to No Avail, and Lost His Re-Election Campaign to a True Leader. Unfortunately since We are Dealing with The Orange Ass Implant We are still having to Tolerate a Tremendous Amount of Sore Loser Bullshit and Complete Conspiracies along again with ENDLESS LIES. The Orange Idiotic Asshole is a Minuscule Minded 74 year Old Toddler Who Lied and Lost the Election and now is having a Full On Temper Tantrum like an Enraged Tween. Along with the Asinine Antics of the Orange Rectal Tumor We also have to Endure the same Line of Shit from the Few Remaining Political Cronies Towing the Line of Elections Lies trying to Overturn the Entire Election the Traitorous Titfucks. They all should be Fired, Arrested, Tried for Treason for Their Revolting Perversions of/in Politics and Fucking Over the People They were Meant to Serve, and Locked Up for the Rest of Their Shit Eating Lives.

                    

Now if that wasn’t Enough fucking Insult to Injury after the Last Four Years of Hellishness We also have to Account for the Orange Assbag’s Shitty Supporter Cult Base. They like Their Lame ass Loser Leader are Pitching Fits like Theres No fucking Tomorrow especially Thanks to Social Media among other things. These are the Same Sacks of Shit that in 2016 Gloated to the Ends of the fucking Earth when the Orange Anus Itch Stole the Election (Thanks to Russian Interference Lead by Vlady Putin), AND Talked Mad Shit to Anyone Who didn’t Support Their Detrimental Dipshit of a So called Leader. They ran around Starting Shit as Much as They Possibly Could because They Felt Empowered by the Orange Assfuck to be the Actual Scumbag Shitfuckers They are. So to all those Orange Asshole Supporters still out there tell Me if this Sounds Familiar “FUCK YOUR FEELINGS!”

                   

To All the Orange Asshole’s Supporters who said if He lost They’d Leave America then GET THE FUCK OUT ALREADY YOUR FUCKING SORE LOSERS. To the Shitty Supporters who said They’d take to the Streets and Incite all kinds of Violence WHERE YOU HIDING YOU FAKE TOUGH GUYS? To The Racist Groups who backed the Orange Ass Suck WHERE ARE YOU NOW that Your Leader has FALLEN. To all the Evangelicals that said if the Orange Asshole Lost God would Abandon Humanity and all that Bible Beating Bullshit LOOKS LIKE GOD DOESN’T AGREE WITH OR LIKE YOUR FAKE CHRISTIAN ASSES. To all the Orange Asshole Militia Motherfuckers who Claimed They’d take Back America if He Lost WE HAVE THE ACTUAL MILITARY WITH REAL SOLDIERS YOU WANNBE GI JOE JOKERS. We all now have The Proof of what We knew All Along just like the Orange Anal Abortion His Shitty Supporters are All Bark and No Bite, They’re all Talk because in Actuality They are Scared little Punkass Cowards. My Advice to the Orange Asshat’s Supporters Grow a Spine and Shove it Up Your Ass.

                   

Thank Fuck those Dark Days are Slowly Dying Away as America does What America Does. We get Complacent and Forget the Events from the Past/History that We have had to Endure then All Hell Breaks Loose, and America has to Suffer until The Citizens put Their Personal Bullshit Aside, Unite, and Triumph over Adversity. America has a New Honest, Competent, Positive, Educated, Experienced, Compassionate NEW LEADER to Help America Rise like a Phenix Once Agin from the Ashes of Chaos, and to Return to Glory Stronger than Ever Before. In the End the Revolting Orange Asshole and His Administration of Assholes will Fall, They will be Removed by Force if Necessary, and They will Pay for all Their Sleazy Dealings/Crimes. Truth has Beaten Tyranny the Wannabe Dictator is Done, and Finally after Four Years American can begin down the Long Road to Recovery and Prosperity.

P.S. FUCK TRUMP.

Thanks For Reading,

By Les Sober  

Home Security Takes A Strange Turn Of Events

Now Before I Start this Story there a Few things I need to Clarify First. My Family Farm was Built in 1877 and While it looks Welcoming as hell During the Day when Night Falls things are Quite Different. At Night the Farm House takes on a Serious Norman Bates Horror Movie Vibe. This change in Aesthetic can be Attributed to a Few different Factors.  First The Farm is Located Outside of the Town Limits making it rather Isolated (the Farm House is Located on a Over 1,117 Acres of Pine Forrests). The Second is the Utter Lack of Exterior Light, and While there are Obviously Lights On In the House and Directly Outside there No Street Lamps. There is also Virtually No Traffic on the Lazy Country Road that Runs through the Property in Front of the Farm, and there is No Light from Urban Sprawl either.

This Total Lack of Additional Light means when the Sun goes Down it gets Darker then You’ve Ever Experienced. You Literally can’t see more than 5 Feet in Front of You and its incredibly Disorienting as Your Eyes Desperate Search for Something Recognizable to Orient Itself in Vain. I have witnessed a Handful of People Really Freak the Fuck Out over the Pitch Blackness to the Point They were Contemplating if They had in fact Gone Suddenly and Completely Blind. Also As You may have Guessed There are Absolutely No Neighbors Near By and the Emergency Responders (Fire Department, Cops, and Ambulances) Response Time is Hindered by the Remote Location. Due to the Slower than Average Response Times have Led People Here to Adopt the Ideology that They like the Wild West Days Gone By must Fend For Themselves.

                    

So the Bottomline is at Night You feel like Your Stranded on some Planet deep in the Depths of Space where You’re on Your Own, and Totally Alienated from Everything/Anything Familiar. I like to Describe it has Floating in a Vast Void that’s so damn Dark it Rivals a BlackHole (Black Holes Gravity is so Strong it even sucks in Light). It’s the Closest thing to Sensory Deprivation that I have ever Experienced in all My Years on Earth. The Other Unnerving issue is being so far from anything remotely Suburban it’s beside being Blacker than the Grave it’s Insanely Silent. This Ups the Creepy factor 10 fold in My Opinion, but there are some sounds just Not those Humans Make and thus are used to Hearing. You can Hear Unknown Animals Howling Occasionally, The Piercing Cry of Owls random cut through the Blackness, and You can Hear Things Moving throughout the Surrounding Woods. Since You can’t see any of these Anything Your Imagination starts going Apeshit with Crazy and Terrifying Thought of What is Lurking Around Cloaked in the Dark of Night.

Since the Farm House was Built well before Central Heating was Invented Every Single Room has a Still Fully Functioning Fireplace. I do mean EVERY Room be it the Bedrooms, Kitchen, Dinning Room, Living Room, and Den so basically the Only exception are the Bathrooms. Now having so many Fireplaces out in an extremely Rural Area sometimes Shit happens that wouldn’t in Populated Areas. In this Case I’m talking about Birds  Baby Birds that is. Once in a While when it’s Not Winter Parent Birds will occasionally Build there Nest on Top of the Chimney when its Not Winter, and once in a Blue Moon there Structural Integrity Issues. What I mean by that is that the Bottom of the Nest would Simply Buckle under the Weight of the Growing Chicks causing the Nest to Falter. When this happens the the Baby Chick unfortunately Plummet down the Chimney and into the Fireplace itself cover in Ash, Shocked as Shit, and Terrified by the Ordeal. Now if the Flu is Shut the Chicks will Land on the Top which Means to remedy the Situation You have to Open the Flu. Once the Flu is Opened  the Screaming Grime covered Chicks will fall into Your Fireplace hopefully avoiding Hitting You on the Way.

                  

At this Point in Time My Mother had a Second Residence (The House My Brother and I grew up In) up North and She would Head up there to Avoid the Stifling Summer Heat of the South. The Farm has an Alarm System which is Rather Elaborate, But like I said due to the Less than Desirable Police Response Time My Mom had Back up. My Mother had the Wherewithal to cut a Deal with one of Our Relatives in the Immediate Area to Assist with the Farm while She was Away. My Mother had enlisted the Help of a Second Cousin of Mine called Gary to do Walk Throughs of the Farm to make sure a Pipe didn’t break or an Animal of some sort got into the Farm House. He was also Responsible for Up keep of the Grounds as well such as Keeping the Trails in the Woods Clear for Example, and if the Alarm went off He would Immediately Head Over to See what the fuck was Going On.

During One of My Mother’s Summer Retreats up North and thanks to Murphy’s Law (Murphy’s lAw States what can go wrong will) the Farm Alarm went off in the Middle of the Fucking Night. Gary and His Eldest Son Jacob got out of Bed and Drove Over to the Farm to Investigate what had set off the Alarm. They pulled up in Their Pick Up Truck, got Out, and were Checking Their Guns (again People Out Here assume They’re on Their Own) when Low and Behold one of the Small Handful of Police from Town rolled up. Gary informed the Officer Who they were and why They were There in the Middle of the Woods at God Knows what Late Hour of the Night with an Alarm Blaring like a Band of Banshees. The Cop responded by stating He’d be Accompanying Gray and Jacob into the House to Check the Situation Out.

                    

With that Said all Three with Their Guns Drawn Slowly Entered the House, and Gary managed through Ungodly Sirens to Shut Off the Alarm so They could actual hear Themselves think. The Three of Them Stood in the Foyer of the Farm House with the Living Room Directly to Their Left and the Den Directly to Their Left. The Three of Them Inspected Both Rooms and Found Nothing of Concern and Returned to the Foyer to Regroup. They double Checked the Front Door and Windows in Each Room to See if Someone had Broken in that way. Since The Front Door and Front Windows hadn’t been tampered with They were Relieved at First but They had the Entire Farm to Clear.

There is a Long Hall that leads Directly from the Foyer to a Door that Opens onto a Middle Porch. Since Fire was a Serious fucking Concern back in the 1880’s (in fact the Original Farm House on the Property Burned Down) the Architects of the Time came up with the Concept of the Middle Porch. While most Fires originated in the Kitchen House Builders added a Middle Porch separating the Main part of the House from the Back Part where the Kitchen was Located (as well as the Dinning Room). The Theory was if a Fire broke Out in the Kitchen the Middle Porch would provide a Gap between the Fire and the Main House. This Way Hopefully the Firemen would Show up in enough Time to Save the Rest of the House from Burning Down. On either side of the Door is a Bedroom which was the Next logical Location for the The Crew to Inspect. The Staircase However is located on the Left Side of the Main Hallway facing away from the Crew as the Bottom is of the Staircase is approximately 6 feet or so from the Back Bedroom on the Left.

                    

They Slowly started inching Their way towards the back Bedrooms with Guns at the Ready. They only took a couple of cautious Steps before They Heard a Noise coming from the Second Floor. None of the Crew was able to identify what the sound actually was, and confusion set in. They stopped in Their Tracks to Listen to the UnKnown Sound to see if They could Assess what the fuck it was. As They remained Frozen with Their Ears Straining to make out what the Mystery Noise was as Their Minds Engaged Their Fight or Flight Instincts. On the Second Floor was the Master Bedroom, another Bedroom, a Bathroom, and a Second Story Porch so the Crew where trying to Figure Out where Upstairs the Noise was coming from. The Unidentified Sound moved into the Small Upstairs Hallway, and then it Started to come down the Stairs. It was a Frantic Sound of Something Scarred Shitless and looking for anyway to Escape. The Men Froze once again and Moved Their Index Fingers to the Trigger of Their Weapons in Anticipation of a the Confrontation making its way  Downstairs.

The Men Stood Side by side Shoulder to Shoulder with Gary on the Right, Jacob on the Left and the Cop in the Middle. They waited Anxiously Holding Their Collective Breath as if in some sort of sick Horror Movie Standoff waiting for the Unknown Noise to Show Itself. Then All of a Sudden to Everyone’s Surprise Something Large and Covered Head to Toe in Ash came Bounding Over the Banister from the Half way up the Staircase. The Creature Dropped the 7-8 feet to the Floor Below. Though Gary and Jacob were Stunned and Still Unsure of what the fuck They were looking at Exactly Held Their Ground. Instinctively Gary and Jacob looked over at One Another to See How They should Proceed They Noticed Something Odd. The Cop was Gone and all that remained between the Two Men was the Empty Floor Space once Occupied by the Cop.

                      

Both Men turned back to look at the Creature Raising Hell in the Hall Way. As the Creature Left Around Hoping like a Possessed Kangaroo Clouds of Soot came Billowing off of it Obscuring the Men’s View. Finally Enough Chimney Grim was Discarded and Settled that the Men could actually see what it the Crazy Creature was. It was a Full Grown Adult Crane that stood around 4 Feet High with an Impressive Wing Span that apparently (and God Knows How) had Fallen down one of the Upstairs Chimneys. Gary and Jacob holstered Their Firearms, grabbed a Blanket of the Living Room Couch, and Ushered the Bird Outside where it took off into the Night like a Bat out of Hell relieved to Be Free at Last.

As Gary and Jacob gathered Their thoughts on the Madness that has just ensued Their Attention was once again drawn to the Cop. When the Cop was Startled by the Large Filth Covered Crane jumped the Banister had freaked the fuck out and He ran Out of the House into the Front Yard. Now I know that Scenario had to be Unsettling as Hell for those who were there, BUT a Cop’s fucking Job is to Stand Up in the Face of Danger and Protect Civilians. They go to the Police Academy and are Trained to Handle Dangerous Situations I mean essentially Thats a Cop’s Job, but this Officer ran the hell away in the Face of Adversity leaving the Two Civilians to Ironically Fend for Themselves. The best word I can Use to describe it is Ludicrous.

               

To this Day it’s still a Mystery on How the fuck a Large Crane fell the fuck down the Chimney, and We will Rightfully Never Know as it appears it was just a Freak Occurrence. As for the Cop I hope He found a New and Less Stressful a Job as He doesn’t seem Cut Out to actually be an Effective Police Officer to say the fucking Least. Gary with the assistance of Jacob still Man the Fort whenever My Mother goes on Vacation Nowadays, and the Story of the Insane Crane lives on.

Thanks For Reading,

By Les Sober  (Pt1211am)

College Writing Class and The GG Allin Incident

It was the First Day of My Creative Writing Class My Freshman Year of College and the Professor Passed out one of those “Getting to Know You” Work Sheets. I understand the Point, but I have to wonder How Many Teachers/Professors Actually give a shit enough to Read Them. Since this was a Creative Writing Class this particular Questionnaire had all the Stereotypical Questions One might Expect for a Writing Class. All the Questions were Absolutely Cliche like “Why do You Like Writing?”, “Why Did You Choose to take this Class?, and “Who’s Your Favorite Writer?

                  

I was slowly and quite begrudgingly filling out the Questionnaire while thinking to myself what a fucking waste of Time it was, and then I noticed the Last Question. It stood out since it had Nothing to do with Creative Writing whatsoever. The Question was simply “What’s Your Favorite Song?” followed by the Instruction to Add the Musician or Band Who preformed the Song as Well. I couldn’t for the fucking Life of Me figure Out Why this Particular Question was on the Sheet since it seemed really quite Random. All I could come up with in the End was I assumed We were going to Study Lyrics as a Form of Creative writing which it is if You stop and Think about it. You know what They say about Assuming right it makes an Ass out of You and Me and its 100% True as I learned Once Again.

               

I have to Admit that Up until this Point whenever I was Asked to Fill Out one of these First Day Forms I pulled My Punches. Now before Anyone gets all uppity and Points Out that I frequently say that I DO NOT Pull My Punches I did have a Somewhat Valid Reason. Since I have Extreme Interests (be it Movies, Art, or Music for Example)  I was Always Concerned that if I answered Honestly that it would inevitably come back to Haunt Me. What I mean I didn’t want the Teacher to Read My Answers and think to Themselves “This Kid could be Problematic”or “I better Keep an Eye on That One He could be Trouble.”, or “Judging by these answers the Kid must be a Serious Slacker.” or Anything Remotely Negative.  Ironically I didn’t want Them to Assume Shit about Me especially Based on some Stupid First Day of Class Questionnaire.

                  

This Time though I decided that this wasn’t bullshit High School anymore this was fucking College, and for the First Time I’d answer the Questionnaire Honestly without Sugar Coating Shit. At that Point in My Life I was really into GG Allin (and I still am), and My Favorite Song by Him was “Bite It You Scum!” which is an Extremely Defiant Anti- Authority Anthem if there Ever was One. I figured it wouldn’t amount to shit anyway since I believed that at Best the Teacher/Professor skinned them quickly and then put them in some fucking Drawer where They wouldn’t see the Light of Day. Feeling Righteous as Humanly Possible I wrote My Answer, and that was that or so I thought.

               

As it Turned Out this Professor did in Fact Read the Answers written by Her Students, But that’s just the Beginning as I found out. Unbeknownst to the Class She not only Read the Answers She tracked Down Each Song, and before Class Once Everyone was Present and before Class actually Started She’d Play One. Now She would never disclose Who’s Favorite Song it was that was being Played that Day and I certainly Appreciated the Anonymity of it all. I also figured that once She read the Song Titled She’d decide to Skip Me altogether and Who Could Blame Her. GG Allin is Not what You’d call Family Friendly as its filled with Obscenities, Vulgarities, Delt with Sex and Drug Use, Anti-Authority, and a Healthy Dose of Violence. If by some chance of Divine Intervention She had decided to Hunt Down a Copy of the Song as Soon as She Heard it She’d throw My Questionnaire immediately into the fucking Garbage (Again I couldn’t Blame Her for thinking the Song was Highly Inappropriate). I took solace in the Fact that at least I answered Honestly and Bottomline was that’s all that Mattered to Me.

                    

The Class Progressed from there Uneventfully We came to Class, Listen to a Song, Had Class, and Went Home to do whatever Assignment We had been given. We Studied Diligently for Tests, did Our Best on Pop Quizzes, and Labored Endless Hours on Our Mandatory Presentations (The Presentations were 10-12 minutes Long and Chronicled the Life and Work of an Author of Our Choice). Then We hit the Halfway Point and We were faced with the Dreaded Midterms. The Midterms were a Serious Game Changer as the Professor would see How well We were handling the Class. I mean You can Bullshit Your way Through a Test/Quiz You may Not have properly prepared for if You have to, But the Midterms were No fucking Joke. I did My part and Studied My ass Off for the Midterm and it was a Thankless Grind of Author’s Names and Works, Subject of Multiple Books, and Pertinent Dates/Events in the Author’s Lives along with more Personal Biographical Information.

                    

Finally the Day of the Midterm was Here it was Now or fucking Never. I got to Class early since being Late for a Midterm was Frowned Upon and would get You into some Pretty Deep Shit with the Professor. I sat at My Desk and tried like hell to Calm My Racing Mind and Quell My Fears of Failing for what seemed like a fucking Lifetime and Then it Happened. I was in My Pre Midterm Meditation when all of a Sudden to My Great Surprise I heard the Opening Chords of GG Allin’s Song “Bite It You Scum” and Almost Fell on the fucking Floor Out of fucking Shock. I couldn’t believe the Professor had Found the Song, Listened to It, and then Deemed it Alright to Play before Class. I was also Impressed that She had managed to Locate a Earlier Recording before GG’s Voice was Destroyed By Booze, Drugs, and Non Stop Screaming/Yelling (in the Last Years of His Life GG sounded like He had just Gargled Broken Glass before Singing).

                    

I am just as Amazed Today as I was Then by these Series of Events, and have a Great Deal of Admiration and Respect for My Creative Writing Professor. To Her Credit at the End the Song being an Earlier Recording Ended in a Haze of Distorted Guitar while GG Ad-libbed with a Bunch of Profanity Laden Babble. The End line of this Rendition GG Blurts Out “You Fucking Pig! You Fucking Whore!” at which Point the Professor Quipped “Oh My” and Shut the Song Off. Again I couldn’t Blame Her and I was just Impressed She played it Period. As a Result of these Events I will Never Forget My College Freshman Creative Writing Class until the Day I Die.

Thanks For Reading,

By Les Sober   

Excerpts From “The Black Riders and Other Lines” By Stephen Crane

The Poems Below are by American Author Stephen Crane Published in 1895 (by Copeland & Day) as a Part of His Collection, The Black Riders and Other Lines. The Following Excerpts are from Fifty-Six Short Poems (all of Which Simply go by Number without actual Titles) that comprise ‘The Black Riders’. Crane is Most Recognized as the Author of the Famous American Novel The Red Badge of Courage.

When Crane’s Poems were Published, He was Harshly Criticized for the Unusual Form of His Poems, and that He had  Some Nerve in Presenting these “Disjointed Effusions” and Daring to call them Poetry. The First Brutal Reviews Denounced Crane’s The Black Riders as Nothing Short of “Artless and Barbaric.”

In His Correspondence with a Particular Editor of Leslie’s Weekly in 1895, Crane professed that He Preferred The Black Riders to His Iconic American Novel The Red Badge of Courage.  Crane Wrote “I, suppose I ought to be Thankful to ‘The Red Badge,’ but I am much Fonder of My little book of poems, ‘The Black Riders’. My Aim was to Comprehend in it the thoughts I have had about Life in General, while ‘The Red Badge’ is a mere Episode in Life, an Amplification.”

                  

Enjoy.

IV.

Yes, I have a thousand tongues,
And nine and ninety-nine lie.
Though I strive to use the one,
It will make no melody at my will,
But is dead in my mouth.

                  

V.

Once there came a man
Who said,
“Range me all men of the world in rows.”
And instantly
There was terrific clamour among the people
Against being ranged in rows.
There was a loud quarrel, world-wide.
It endured for ages;
And blood was shed
By those who would not stand in rows,
And by those who pined to stand in rows.
Eventually, the man went to death, weeping.
And those who staid in bloody scuffle
Knew not the great simplicity.

IX
I stood upon a high place,
And saw, below, many devils
Running, leaping,
and carousing in sin.
One looked up, grinning,
And said, “Comrade! Brother!”

                

XIII
If there is a witness to my little life,
To my tiny throes and struggles,
He sees a fool;
And it is not fine for gods to menace fools.

XVII
There were many who went in huddled procession,
They knew not whither;
But, at any rate, success or calamity
Would attend all in equality.
There was one who sought a new road.
He went into direful thickets,
And ultimately he died thus, alone;
But they said he had courage.

XIX
A god in wrath
Was beating a man;
He cuffed him loudly
With thunderous blows
That rang and rolled over the earth.
All people came running.
The man screamed and struggled,
And bit madly at the feet of the god.
The people cried,
“Ah, what a wicked man!”
And “Ah, what a redoubtable god!”

XXV
Behold, the grave of a wicked man,
And near it, a stern spirit.
There came a drooping maid with violets,
But the spirit grasped her arm.
“No flowers for him,” he said.
The maid wept:
“Ah, I loved him.”
But the spirit, grim and frowning:
“No flowers for him.”
Now, this is it-
If the spirit was just,
Why did the maid weep?

                  

XXIX
Behold, from the land of the farther suns I returned.
And I was in a reptile-swarming place,
Peopled, otherwise, with grimaces,
Shrouded above in black impenetrableness.
I shrank, loathing,
Sick with it.
And I said to him,
“What is this?”
He made answer slowly,
“Spirit, this is a world;
This was your home.”

XXXII
Two or three angels
Came near to the earth.
They saw a fat church.
Little black streams of people
Came and went in continually.
And the angels were puzzled
To know why the people went thus,
And why they stayed so long within.

                  

LXVII
God lay dead in heaven;
Angels sang the hymn of the end;
Purple winds went moaning,
Their wings drip-dripping
With blood
That fell upon the earth.
It, groaning thing,
Turned black and sank.
Then from the far caverns
Of dead sins
Came monsters, livid with desire.
They fought,
Wrangled over the world,
A morsel.
But of all sadness this was sad-
A woman’s arms tried to shield
The head of a sleeping man
From the jaws of the final beast.

                    

Thanks For Reading,

Presented By Les Sober    (Pt222AM)

I Know That’s An Insult But What The Hell Does It Mean?!

I recently had the Pleasure of Rewatching the Classic 1983 Horror Movie Christine which is Based on a Stephen King. Now one of the Unique things about the Movie that has Always stuck with Me as Being Odd as fuck it a Particular Insult that is Used in It. The Insult in Question is the Word Shitter when used to Describe People and Not Toilets.

Now for Those Who may Not be Aware or Remember here is a Very Brief Summary of the Movie.  Arnie Cunningham was a Nerdy Nobody until He is Compelled to Restore an American Classic Car named Christine . What Arnie is Unaware of is This Car is Cursed with a Will to Kill anyone Who gets Between Arnie and Her Unfortunately for Arnie Christine Transforms Him from Steve Urkel into a Hostile, Foul Mouthed Asshole with an Eat Shit Attitude. In Case You haven’t seen the Movie I won’t talk about the Ending.

The Main Character is the Primary User of the “Shitter” Insults in the Movie, and Here are the Insults Quoted from the Movie.

  • The Cranky Old Bastard Who Sells Arnie the Car (and WHo’s Brother Died in It) While talking to Arnie’s Best Friend Dennis: “No Shitter came Between Him and Christine.”
  • Arnie to Dennis while They are taking a Joy Ride in Christine: “A Toast, Death to the Shitters of the World in 1979.”
  • During the Same Joy ride Arnie also says to Dennis: “”… We’ll always be Friends as long as You Stick With Me You know what Happens to Shitters that Don’t.”
  • Dennis asks Arnie During the Joy Ride after His Previous Comment about Remaining Friends: “Who are the Shitters?” (Arnie answers with “All of Them”)
  • When Arnie finds Christine Totaled by the School Bully and His Girlfriend Leigh Cabot, and She try to Console Him: “DON’T TOUCH ME SHITTER!”
  • Arnie talking to Christine in the Mechanic Garage after She is Totaled: “We’ll show Those Shitters what We can Do.”
  •  Arnie talking with Dennis about Love: “What? Fuck No, I’m talking’ about Christine, Man No Shitter ever came Between Me and Christine…”

This is My Question What the fuck does calling Someone or Describing Someone as a Shitter mean Exactly?! The way I see it it’s one of Two Scenarios which I will Address Now.

  1. You take it at Face Value and by that I mean if I Drive an 18 Wheeler for a Living I’m a Trucker, and If I Farm the Land then I’m a Farmer Etc.  Following that Format I shit so that makes Me a Literal Shitter.
  2. The Insult is the Most Derogatory Term for a Toilet. I’m not Talking a Regular Household Bathroom I’m Talking about a Truck Stop Bathroom or a Gas Station Bathroom or Perhaps the Worst of all a Pro-A-Potty. Is It the same as Calling Someone an Asshole is a Crude way of Referring to a Rectum? Is the Insult that You’re  being called a Filthy, Nasty, Grimy, Disgusting, Nauseating, Sickening, Gross, Unsanitary, Disgusting, Puked On, Piss Covered, and Putrid Toilet with a Turd Floating in it.

If I had to make an Educated guess between the Two Options Listed Above I’d put My Money on Number 2 (OH THE IRONY!), and that says a lot Since I DON’T Gamble.

Thanks For Reading,

By Les Sober