Creative Writing – Page 51

The Coolest Cake I Ever Encountered

I’ve never really liked sweets as I have always preferred salty over sweet. Don’t get me wrong now I am in the end just a human ,and once in a blue moon even I need to score a Snickers. But just like you I’m part of the birthday party propaganda machine so on my birthday I would always get the traditional cake and so be it.

Now back quite a few years at this point my wife and championship tag team partner’s cousin Jameson (please drink responsibly, what? if your changing names have some fun with it for christ’s sake.) and his first wife Opal threw me a 30 something (don’t recollect which 30 though) birthday party at their house. After quite a few rather strong beers and pot smoking it was time for the whole cake fiasco. The first cool thing about it was no one said some stupid shit like ” OK guys its time for the cake!” or everyone up and disappears into the kitchen all of a sudden. Basically we were hanging out on their back porch when a tray comes down in front of me from behind me. Once the tray hit the table I saw it was entirely covered with various colored Jello Shots. Heres the kicker and coolest part my wife along with Opal had taken those cheap candy letters you can buy at the supermarket and spelled Happy Birthday Less by placing the letters on top of the appropriate jello shot.

See plenty of people know my aversion too sweets but don’t take it into consideration where as my wife and Opal did ,and as a result came up with the kick ass Jello Shot “Cake” concept.

I Don’t Repeat Myself, You Should Have Been Listening

DISCLAIMER ONCE AND FOR ALL: Just like any tv or movie bullshit, all names and places have been changed because I don’t want to get fucking sued for slander or defamation of character or some shit.

Another reason I change Names and Places is due to the fact I don’t want people to know shit about me as far as the off line world is concerned.

BUT I assure you these people are real living, breathing people, and why the hell should you believe me? Good question, the answer is YOU CAN’T MAKE THESE PEOPLE UP. Reality always trumps Hollywood, thats why I believe its Art Imitates Life and not the other way around.

Peddling Death Door To Door

I was sitting in my apartment one summer afternoon enjoying a craft beer or two when the door bell suddenly rang. Now I’m the type of person who knows who and when people are coming ,but no one was supposed to stop by on that particular day. I weighed the options and decided to for once to answer the door instead of ignoring it due to the fact I didn’t know who was ringing my door bell (and I utterly hate to be bothered)

So I exited my apartment on the 2nd floor, walked down the stair case to the 1st story exterior door and opened away. To my surprise it wasn’t any asshole asking if I found Jesus/accept christ or little kids going door to door selling candy as part of a school fundraiser. It was in fact a little old lady about 60-65 years old, hair white as snow with a cliche grandmother vibe. I said hello and asked what I could do for her today to which she replied she worked for a local funeral home with a neighboring cemetery. So she was going door to door talking with (and hopefully selling funeral home services) people about their or a loved one’s final preparations. More ironic then sending a senior citizen representative to sell funeral services (coffins,flowers,earns,cremation etc.) but I had amassed a short list of 3 personal questions on the matter of post death options for myself when I too die. I invited the little old lady in and took her up to my apartment where she set up shop so to speak in my living room. I informed her that yes I did have some questions about said funeral services and she very politely told me to ask her what they were.

In the time of efficiency and time management here (in no certain order) are the 3 questions I asked her alone with her answers.

Can I have my skeleton bronzed and placed in a certain pose?

No due to laws pertaining to the desecration of a corpse where there ABSOLUTELY NO acceptations.

2. If I chose to be cremated could I have my skull bronzed and placed on top of the earn’s led?

No something similar too the answer for question 1 ,but dealing moreover with the issue of handling dead bodies or some shit.

NOW THIS IS WHERE SHIT GETS DARK FAST AND MAKES NO SENSE: I SWEAR TO THE STARS ABOVE HOW THE FUCK THIS OTION IS POSSIBLE (CONSIDERING THE ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS 1 AND ) AND MOREOVER HOW THE FUCK ITS LEGAL AS THERE LAWS OUTLAWING CANNIBALISM.

3. Can I have my corpse (and possibly certain organs i.e. liver) cooked and served to the funeral party quests?

Yes if you can find someone willing to butcher and cook a corpse.

( There has to be some bizarre loophole because I can’t get my head around the yes to Necro Cannibalism.)

Ladies and Gentleman thank you, that is all.

Befuddled By The Bartender

Last night I went to my favorite dive bar which is a dark, smoke filled,tiny hole in the wall filled with all kinds of characters. This makes it my favorite place not only to drink with friends but to people watch as well. The bartender working last night is far from my favorite because she is too fucking odd to live (so you never know wtf your walking into) so best to stay off the radar as they say. Last night she was aggravated because for once it was almost a busy night. The first bizarre interaction was when I went up to the bar to get another beer at which point the bartender said and I quote “You drink too fast.” First off I wasn’t drinking any sort of cocktail as I said I was drinking bottled beer so all the bartender had to do was reach in a cooler, grab a beer, open it and serve it (how fucking easy is that?!) Also I couldn’t help thinking well if I drink fast then I drink a good bit before I leave and I tip putting money in the bartenders pocket. Let me take a second to explain the tip deal. This dive bar is also a private club were the patrons pay annul dues of a whole whopping $20 (sarcasm abounds) thusly they believe that they’re absolved from tipping ever. I’ve frequented this bar for 7 plus years and only saw 2 other people in all that time actually tip and they were newbies.

Fast forward a few hours during which time the people who had to work the next day leave followed by the elderly patrons and then by the heavy drinkers/alcoholics leaving only a handful of lingering local barflies. Now at this point in the evening I had switched from beer to Rum&Coke of which I drank 3 before ordering my final drink of the evening (which is a double Rum&Coke) and this led to an even more absurd interaction between the bartender and myself. I went ahead and ordered my double Rum&Coke. What happen next I don’t understand at all as not only do I tip but I wasn’t bitching about her drinks being weak nor in anyway talking shit to the bartender (i.e. giving her a hard time) With that said the bartender walks over to the bar, grabs a 8oz glass and proceeded to leisurely pour 7oz of rum into the glass and then stopped. She then turns her head to look at me and asked angrily “Is this OK?!” as if we were having some sort of altercation and now I’m stuck with a pissed off belligerent bartender. The bartender then tops of the glass with a slash of coke, walks it over to where I was sitting at the bar and again gets in my face like we’re involved in a non existent disagreement. This time she places the drink in front of me then leans over the bar and asks me snidely “Does THAT make you happy?” and I simply said “Yes” and that was that.

Somethings Smells Fishy In Bejing

Ever wonder why it is that our electronic loves like smart phones, laptops,tablets etc. all come from China, but the Chinese government established insanely high prices for such devices (to the point unless your the asian equivalent of Bill Gates your shit out of luck)) insuring the general population will never own any of them. Doesn’t that seem oddly hypocritical? China exports an endless stream of electronics T.V.s, PCs etc. to America while at the same time making sure their citizens can’t access any of it?

The answer to me seems utterly obvious the Chinese know that electronic devices are extremely detrimental to the all over well being of their populous. The combination of social media, games and apps represent a very real threat, they are all key components in a technology that can quickly rise to epidemic levels and lay waste to a entire society. These devices provide a symbiotic system all of which has detrimental effects upon the people who indulge in them. We all have at this point heard the negative side effects on health and how users isolate so I’m not going to beat that dead horse, but I will take a second to say that its so modern American to acknowledge a problem and then do fuck all about it (accept perhaps to complain about it hoping some one will fix it) The big pictures bottom line is these devices affect the user so profoundly that they believe they can’t live without them or being on them constantly like a crackhead on a bender. They also distract people from the real world and real world issues as they suck the user into an abyss of escapism 24/7 365 non stop. The worst consequence of Americas addiction to all electronic devices and the social media they provide is IT MAKES YOU A FUCKING MORON. People just up and stop learning, thinking and questioning the world for themselves and devolve into a passive,mindless, vacant people devoid of individual personality and independent thought. The American public has been reduced to human cattle which the government loves, cattle doesn’t think doesn’t question they just do as their told. If this isn’t true explain how the hell Donald Trump managed to enter the presidential election?

Enough With The Great Gun Debate

Lets fucking face it there people that have a million reasons to ban all fire arms and other people who have a million reasons to keep the gun game going. As we hopefully are all aware there pros and cons to every fucking thing on Earth so this argument has always gone around and around in an endless circle( as it will till the end of time), and I for one am sick of fucking hearing all the hoopla.

Allow me play devil’s advocate to show the true reality of the situation. Lets say the anti gun people some how pull an ace out of their sleeve and win so all guns are illegal BUT SO FUCKING WHAT? The anti gun groups believe as part of their argument that if the guns were gone violent crime (especially murders) would drop to an all time historic low. I call bullshit on the grounds of basic human behavior which never fails mankind. Once the guns are gone people will shoot each other with fucking bow and arrows until they are banned too. Then you’d inevitably have to ban swords/knives/razors/machetes as they would be the next things people would revert to to kill each other. After all that absurdity there would need to be yet another ban this time on blunt objects because at that point people would simply beat each other to death. Now once all of those items are removed through banning your still fucked. Your fucked because people still have hands with which they can beat,torture and kill others so wtf do you do then? Cut every ones fucking hands off? Yet thats the only true way to end violence in society.

The Conflict of Crucifixion

Admittedly I’m not the most religious person but I know enough of christianity to be a bit curious. Heres the issue at hand Jesus was crucified as depicted in the bible and their were 2 criminals who were also crucified at the same time. Its the 2 convicts that caught my interest because of the factual history of crucifixion and its relation to christianity. People have crucified people through out the annals of time be it for such reasons as politics, religion, money or war. Granted there were who only knows how many innocent people who became collateral damage, but with that said in spite of the brutality of humanity there were legitimately tons of criminals of all types murderers,rapists,thieves etc. who were caught and crucified. So considering that innocent victims as well as convicted criminals were executed by crucifixion as was Jesus isn’t using the sign of the cross as a christian icon a conflict of interest per say?!

Time to Criticize the Critics

Heres my question if they say art is subjective then why in the name of all things absurd do we need critics, and moreover why do people listen to these parasitical morons? Now ALL art is subjective its not limited to just painting/drawing its all inclusive painting,sculpture,writing,drawing,performance art etc. Now subjective means its up to the viewer/reader to determine for themselves what the said meaning of the piece is or was which means people may or may not agree. The question then becomes why do people believe what critics say, its just their fucking idea(s) so why not just formulate your own idea(s) Just because some critic thinks its good or bad is utterly indifferent because unless your thoughts are previously tainted by the influence of a review(s) chances are you wouldn’t agree. Thats what a critic really is just an over opinionated and some what egotistical person who believes their ideas/opinions are absolutely the end all be all on a said subject. To blindly comply to the point you think the critic is so invaluable that you believe what they say instead of finding out what you really think on your own.

The Damnedest Thing When It Comes To Doctors

Here is a short list of 3 things I have noticed about doctors that are rather fucked up to say the least.

Doctors never admit money was part of the decision to become a doctor. I’m not saying by any means that it was the only or main reason but undoubtedly money, a lot of money, played a big role. No doctor I have asked (its been approximately 6 doctors including specialists) have had the balls to admit the money factor. Instead they ramble fumbling and bumbling about they were interested in medicine, their father/mother are doctors or wanting to help patients. If doctors weren’t serious about their salaries and truly believed in benefiting humanity through medicine they wouldn’t refuse service to patients without insurance or donate a large chunk of their time to support free health services. But instead they hide behind the Hippocratic Oath which they took after passing the board exams and means as much as learning parallel parking for the drivers test, once you pass you never do it again.
I fully understand that collage and medical school cost an ungodly fortune which is unfortunate. With that said I object to doctors padding their bill if you will in order to pay off their student loans which average around $100,000 plus. So while I am empathetic to doctors having to endure such heavy financial student loan debt ITS NOT MY JOB TO REPAY THEIR STUDENT LOANS.
If you want to chap a doctors ass in a big way call them by their first name . Now your totally entitled to do so yet people become subservient when it comes to doctors. The fact people fear illness and more over death that they wouldn’t even imagine calling their doctor by their first name. The was I see it if I’m paying you for your services then essentially I’m your fucking boss plain and simple.
Lastly why is it Doctors damn near demand to be addressed as doctor. I don’t call any one else by their profession . I don’t call people mechanic Bukowski, Banker Lawson, lawyer Johnson or Cashier Newman. The sole reason I endorse is doctors are insanely egotistical to the point of narcissism, their so high and mighty because they can fix the injured and heal the sick they develop a borderline god complex.

Thats all for now Ladies and Gentlemen.

“Hack My Network and Die” the T-shirt incident

There was a period of time in my life where I relished randomness. One way I indulged was going to thrift stores and buying t-shirts that ranged from mundane to what the fuck? One such shirt was for a tech security company whose slogan “hack my network and die” across the chest. I was wearing said shirt yesterday when I went to pick up some grocery odds and ends and as I was getting into my car some random ass stranger woman asked my “If I hack your network you’ll murder me?” to which I replied “I believe I would be obligated to murder you, but I would sincerely apologize before I did.” then I shut the door and drove off leaving this woman standing even more confused then before in the parking lot. I live for shit like this.