Creative Writing – Page 6

The French Fry Fiasco

While We were Living in the Great Southern Swamp We owned a French and an English Bulldog Both of Which Were Rehomes. Wally the Male English Bulldog’s Original Family realized while They Loved Him They simply Didn’t have Enough Time to Care for Him. The French Bulldog was a Recently Retired Show Dog and Champion, and Her Mom (who breed French Bulldogs in Addition to The Dog Show Shit) was getting Out of the French Bulldog Breeding Game to go Back to Breeding Boxers.

These Two Bulldogs just so Happened to be Two of the Coolest Dogs We have had the Pleasure of Sharing Our Lives With. I fucking Hate People who say “Owned” when it comes to an Animal because its fucking Demeaning. It’s a fucking Living Creature it is Not the Equivalent of a TV or some shit. The Situation behind Pet classification is fucking Stupid as Pets are in the Eyes of the Law Property exactly like a Sofa or Video Game System. That is Absolutely and Totally fucking Ridiculous on Every Level.

One Night in Particular I was Home Alone Drinking One Too Many Beers, and Bullshitting with Some Buddies on the Phone. When My Wife got Home from Work (around 10:30 pm or so) She had Missed Dinner, and I had been so Wrapped Up in Fucking Around I hadn’t Eaten Either. So My Wife went Out to Score Some Fast Food Bullshit for Us God Bless her because I would have been Pissed if I was Her. I mean She got off work Late after something like a 14 Hour Shift only to Find Her Husband Drunk, Giddy, and with Nothing whatsoever for Dinner. Not exactly the thing Anyone would be thrilled to come Home to After a Brutally Long Day on the Job. While My Wife was Out retrieving Our Dinner I finished My Last beer, and Decided to Roll Up a Joint for After Diner. I rolled up the Joint and Placed it Next to My Pack of Cigarettes (Yes I was a Smoker, Key Word being Was since I quite Several Years Ago) on Our Coffee Table and Played with the Dogs Until My Wife Returned.

Now I had a Bad Habit as a Pet Owner of Sharing Any French Fries I had with the Bulldogs Who Thought it was a Fabulous Thing for Me to Do. Also When I had Been Drinking (which I honestly did way too much of at that Point in My Life) I tended to Throw the French Fries on the Floor in Front of the Dogs. I opted for this Method because it was Much Easier to Throw the Fries on the Floor Rather than Handing The Dogs Every Single fucking Fry. I would tend to Get Overly Enthusiastic during what I referred to a Fry Feeding Frenzies and Would Toss Several Frys at one Time. That Night was No Acceptation by any means as I Happily Threw Virtual Handfuls of Frys to the Dogs. As the Fry Count diminished I resorted to Tossing a Single Fry each time to the Dogs instead of Blanketing the Entire Living Room Floor with a Bounty of Frys.

Once We had Finished Dinner My Wife went to take a Shower to Relax and Unwind after a Tough Day at Work. I threw the Fast Food Trash away and strolled back into the Living Room with a Full Stomach and an Alcohol Drenched Liver. I plopped Down on the Couch in My Usual Spot, Stretched, Sighed, and decided to Watch The Canadian Television Show Trailer Park Boys on Netflix (Heres a Tip: Watching The Trailer Park Boys Intoxicated is a fucking Fun Time if I ever had One). A Few Moments into the Show I remembered that I had Prepared a Joint for an After Dinner at which Point I was Very Happy with Myself. That was Until I went to get the Joint and Realized it Wasn’t Were I Left It. Now having racked up an Insane Amount of Hours Intoxication I had learned along the Way to Expect shit like this to Happen. I then began My search for the Wayward Weed by first Looking to See if I put in My Cigarette Pack to Keep it Safe during Dinner. Unfortunately for Me it wasn’t, But I knew that in these cases Whatever I may be trying to Locate it won’t be in the First Spot I look.

I then Proceeded to See if it had Rolled around and was Lost in the Chaotic Chaos of the Coffee Table. I sifted through Beer Caps, Ashtrays, Magazines, Game Controllers, and Other Debris that had Collected upon the Table during the Events of the Day. Still the Joint Eluded Me at Every Turn. I then I scanned the Floor Around where I was Sitting to See if it had just Rolled Off the Table onto the Floor. After assessing the Joint had not Rolled off the Table onto the Floor where I could have Spotted it with Ease I moved on to the Next Portion of My Search for the Missing Sativa. I got down on all Fours (Ironically like a Dog) on the Floor and ran My Hand Under the Edge of the Large L Shaped Couch. Again I came up Empty Handed as it was apparent that the Joint had not Rolled onto the Floor and then Under the Couch.

I then took a Moment to Collect My Scattered Thoughts and Again Scanned the Immediate Area trying to Figure Out where the Damned Joint had gotten off to. As I sat there I noticed That Wally was sitting on the floor directly to My left and Dozy Directly to My Right. The Gears of My Muddled Mind began to Turn as I started to Put the Pieces of the Puzzle Together at Last. All of a Sudden I had a Moment of Clarity and Instantly it became Crystal fucking Clear to Me what Had Transpired. In the Hectic Hubbub of Dinner I had Mistakenly Picked Up the Joint Thinking at the Time it was Just Another French Fry in the Mix. It had become Painfully Obvious that the Case of Mistaken Identity had Resulted in Me Tossing the Joint instead of a The Standard French Fry. I searched Everywhere once again to make Sure beyond a Reason of a Doubt that’s What I had Did, and thats Exactly what I had Done.

I wasn’t Upset about Losing the Joint, but I also wasn’t sure what Effect it might have on whichever Dog ate it. Once My Wife was out of the Shower and Dressed She returned to the Living Room, and Upon seeing the look on My Face (One of Guilt mixed with Drunken Disorientation) asked What Happened. I immediately launched into a Diatribe about the Mistaken Fry Deal which Ended up with Me Babbling in Circles like a Drunk Dog Chasing its Tail. My Wife didn’t freak out which I took as a Very fucking good Sign so I stopped Holding My Breath and Waited to Her what She had to Say on the Subject at Hand. My Wife Wasn’t Worried or Too Concerned, But Erring on the Side of Caution and Believing in Safety First instructed Me that We needed to Keep an Eye on the Dogs just in Case. Since My Wife and I were both Vet Tech for Over 10 Years Apiece We were Confident We could Handle this Mishap without Further Complication.

Now while this seems as Simple a Task as They Come there Certain Traits in Bulldogs that made it Impossible to Discern Who ate The Joint. First Off They are by Nature Lazy as Fuck to the Point People Joke that They tend to Look Stoned Normally. So Acting Slow and Dopey is just the way Your Average Bulldog’s Behaves in General. Secondly Bulldogs are Natural Born Gluttons so Using the Munchie Factor as an Indicator was also Null and Void. Bulldogs Think with Their Bellies, and Would Actually Eat Themselves to Death if given the Chance. The Bottomline here is there was No Accurate Way of Telling Who ate the Joint because Bulldogs Naturally Exhibit the Symptoms Associated with being Stoned. In the End the Dogs were Fine as if Nothing had Happened, and I made sure as Shit to Insure Nothing like that Happened Ever Again.

Thanks For Reading,

By Les Sober (Pt1234am)

Once Trump Is Shit Canned WTF DO We DO With All The #MAGAssholes?!!

When Trump gets His Fat Orange Ass Booted from the Whitehouse What will Happen to all His Shitbag Supporters? This is a Question I have been Mulling Over in My head for Quite some time Now. It’s like Germany at the End of World War II Once The War was Over, The Nazis Lost, and Hitler was Dead the German Public had to deal with the Left Over Nazi Soilders. The Nazis were such Pieces of fucking Shit that it didn’t seem right to just let them Reintegrate back into Society and call it a Day. People that are that fucked in the Head, and are the Scum of the Earth need Consequences for Their fucked up Actions. The World Dictates some sort of Retribution is Required in Extreme Cases such as These.

Let’s fucking face it MAGAs are Worse than fucking Nazi Scumbags. Nazi’s wanted to Use Genocide to Illuminate Jewish People from the Planet, and to Take over the Entire fucking Earth. MAGAs are Racist Ratfucks but They are also Sexist, Antisemitic, Homophobic, Ignorant, Hate filled, Mindless, Uneducated, Moronic, Inbred, Gullible, Child Molesting, Rapist White Trash Sheep the Absolute Worst Humanity has to Offer. These People bring Nothing Positive or Productive to the Table their Not Leaders Their Mindless Lemmings Born to Blindly Follow without Question. So when The Treasonous Orange Asshole and His Crooked Administration of Utter Assholes time in the Whitehouse is Inevitably Up They will be Subject to Arrest, Prosecution, Conviction, and Imprisonment for Their Crimes the Cowardly Traitors. The Fact Remains though We can’t lock up all the MAGAssholes (though We all want To) there simply too many of the Dumbfucks to Deal with.

So What do We do with all the Left Over MAGAssholes Then? Well I just so Happens to have the Perfect Solution for Handling these Pro Trump Dipshits. True We can’t Imprison Them all, and it’s Less than Likely that We would be Granted Permission to Kill the Sons Of Inbred Bitches on Sight which is a Shame as I think a MAGA Hunting Season would be Splendid. Now that We have established We can’t Lock them Up or Hunt Them for Sport what Option(s) do We have Left on the Table? The Answer My friends is DEPORTATION! That’s right Deporting MAGAs would be Hilarious as Hell since the Racist RatBastard Rejects want to Deport all the Immigrants so Deporting Them is Poetic Justice Personified.

Now thats just the beginning because once We have Decided to Outsource These MAGAssholes where do We Deport Them to Exactly? It is a Very Tricky and Rather Difficult Situation because Who in Their right fucking Mind would Allow Us to Deport MAGAs to Their Country. Absolutely No One I can fucking think of Thats for Sure and You Can’t Blame Them. The Rest of the World has Watched America Slide Down the Shitter (thanks to Fucktard Trump and the GOPieces of Shit) for the Past 4 Years. They have also witnessed How Shitty MAGAs are so Why would They want/allow the MAGAssholes coming to take up Residence in Their Beloved Homeland? MAGAs are Human Parasites that do Nothing but Take Up Space, Waste Air, and Shit All Over Everything while Providing Nothing Beneficial to Society or the World Around Them. They are Human TapeWorms and Should be Dealt with as Such in that Parasites should be Eradicated No Matter What.

So Thus We are stuck with the Geographical Dilemma facing the Deportation of Any and All MAGAssholes. Fear Not Friends for I have Figured out the Solution to the Geography Conundrum and its Quite Simply and Extremely Easy to Execute. We Deport the MAGAssholes to the Continent of ANTARCTICA! Yes thats goddamn right I said ANT-fucking-ARCTICA. I’m pretty positive that You’re wonder Why Antarctica which is a Valid Question so Allow Me to Answer. First of Size Wise it got more than Enough Room (5,500,000 Square Miles Antarctica is the 5th Largest Continent and Twice the Size of Australia) for the Millions of MAGAssholes to live with Plenty of Elbow room. Second Antartica is One of if Not the Whitest Places on the Entire Planet so the Racist Nazi White Nationalist MAGAs would fucking love that shit.

Also there is No actual Population already Living in Antarctica to Deny the Entrance of the MAGAsshole Mother Load. There Approximately 1,000 Scientific Researchers Stations in the Winter, and about 5,ooo in Summer, giving it a Population Density of between 70 and 350 inhabitants per Million Square Kilometers (180 and 900 per Million Square Miles). Point being there’s Plenty of Room where the MAGAsshole can hangout that wouldn’t be a Bother or Imposition to the Various Countries Scientific Researchers.

Also there is No Established Government, Infrastructure, Military, or Government Agencies to Contend with. It is True though that Several Countries (such as France, Russia, United Kingdom, Australia, Norway, Chile,Argentina, and New Zealand for Example) claim Sovereignty in Certain Regions. While Very Few of these Countries have Mutually Recognized Each Other’s Claims, the Validity of these Claims in Not Recognized Universally. Antartica’s Status is Regulated by the 1959 Antarctic Treaty and Other Related Agreements, collectively called the Antarctic Treaty System.

Many People at this Point would Ask about all the Insane and Expensive Resources that would be needed for People to Survive in the Brutal Antarctic Frozen Wasteland (I mean Antarctica is the Coldest Continent on Earth with Temperatures going as lows between negative 112 degrees Farenhight and Negative 128 degrees Farenhieght). Also there are Virtually No Resources for Shelter or Food be it Hunting, Gathering, or Farming) which makes it one of the Most Inhospitable Places on the Planet. The Largest fucking Animal in Antarctica is a Wingless Midge (Belgica Antarctica) which is Less than 1.3 cm Long for Fucks Sake, it’s a Minuscule Insect. All Other Larger Animals are Considered Marine Animals, meaning that They Feed and Lively Mainly in the Ocean and includes Seals and Penguins. There are No Trees or Shrubs in Antarctica, and only Two Species of Flowering Plants Antarctic Hair Grass and Antarctic Pearlwort. The Bottomline is Antarctica Doesn’t have a Permanent Population for a fucking Reasons.

As Far as Resources or Monetary Budget I Again have an Answer for that which is WHO FUCKING CARES?!!

These MAGAssholes Don’t Deserve Any Outside Help to Possible manage to Survive in the Desolate and Frigid Antarctic Climate. Remember I said Deport Them Not Support Them. We let Them Pack whatever the fuck They want and Then We deport Them without any Assistance Programs in Place whatsoever. I mean Why waste Money on Such fucking Shitty People when You can Deport Them and Let Antarctica Resolve the Problem so to Speak. Let Them Freeze, Let Them Starve, and Let Them Die of Sickness its what MAGAssholes Deserve. If We can’t Kill Them Off Let Mother Nature handle it For Us. Point Being the Only Good MAGAsshole is a DEAD MAGAsshole.

Thanks For Reading,

By Les Sober

(Pt100Am)

An FYB Favorite: Stephen Crane’s “In The Desert”

In The Desert I Saw a Creature, Naked, Beastial, Who, Squatting Upon the Ground Held His Heart in His Hands, And Ate of It. I said,”Is it Good, Friend?” “It is Bitter Bitter,” He Answered “But I like It Because it is Bitter, And Because it is My Heart.” By Stephen Crane (1871-1900)

“In the Desert” is the Name given to the Poem Above by American Author Stephen Crane Published in 1895 (by Copeland & Day) as a Part of His Collection, The Black Riders and Other Lines. “In The Desert” is the Third of Fifty-Six Short Poems (all of Which Simply go by Number without actual Titles) that comprise ‘The Black Riders’. Crane is Most Recognized as the Author of the Famous American Novel The Red Badge of Courage.

When Crane’s Poems were Published, He was Harshly Criticized for the Unusual Form of His Poems, and that He had Some Nerve in Presenting these “Disjointed Effusions” and Daring to call them Poetry. The First Brutal Reviews Denounced Crane’s The Black Riders as Nothing Short of “Artless and Barbaric.”

In His Correspondence with a Particular Editor of Leslie’s Weekly in 1895, Crane professed that He Preferred The Black Riders to His Iconic American Novel The Red Badge of Courage. Crane Wrote “I, suppose I ought to be Thankful to ‘The Red Badge,’ but I am much Fonder of My little book of poems, ‘The Black Riders’. My Aim was to Comprehend in it the thoughts I have had about Life in General, while ‘The Red Badge’ is a mere Episode in Life, an Amplification.”

Thanks for Reading,

Brought To You By Les Sober (Pt1245Am)

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (60/365)

The Bus Load of Passengers Panicked, Anxious, Traumatized, and some what Bloody were running amok in the Parking Lot as The Police and EMTS tried to make sense of the Increasingly Chaotic Situation. The Cops were running around trying to find out what the fuck happened and if They had due cause to Arrest Anyone. For Their part the EMTs were also running around in a Blind Frenzy Assessing Injuries and Dealing with the General Pandemonium created by the Freaked Out Cast of Characters from the Bus.

It was the Preverbal Three Ring Shit Show as Drama Reigned Supreme as all sense of Order had been Abandoned as the Strip Mall. Lee and Dizzy agreed that They didn’t feel the need to be around Cops since They both shared an Equal amount of Distain and Contempt for The Boys in Blue. Also Dizzy had stated that They had far better things to do with Their Time than Spending the Remainder of the Afternoon Sobering Up in the Police Station’s Drunk Tank. So in Onslaught of Insanity that Ensued from the Bus Fiasco Lee and Dizzy made an Easy Exit (as Fast as They Possibly Could without calling Attention to Themselves). They turned the first Corner They came to and then the Next before taking a short cut through the Park to avoid being seen on the Street. Once They exited the Park on the Opposite side They figured at that Point They had successfully made Their Getaway Unnoticed.

“Well Thank God We managed to avoided getting trapped in all that Craziness with the Cops there and all,” said Lee being Honestly Relieved at Not Being Detained, “What the fuck are We going to do Now?!”

“I’ll tell you this We need to Hit up a Liquor Store ASAP since all that Bullshit with the Bus seriously Killed My Buzz.Nothing Sobers You Up like when the Police Show the fuck Up” replied Dizzy rather Irritated.

“If We keep walking We’ll come across a Corner Liquor Store in No Time especially when We are headed into a Poorer Neighborhood. Not a Slum or Ghetto Mind You, but a Economically Depressed Neighborhood.” said Lee as He figured remaining Practical was the Best Strategy as Dizzy was Obviously Agitated.

“Yeah You got that Right,” signed Dizzy growing Weary of the Day’s Ordeals, “I don’t know about YouI need a Sincerely Strong Drink and a Big one at That. I can’t stand People and All the Stupid shit They do and the Cops fuck Cops.”

It occurred to Lee just then at that Moment that He was growing Tired of Dizzy’s company more by the Minute. First Off Dizzy was extremely emotionally volatile Who Feelings could change Drastically on a Dime. One Minute He was Witty, Sarcastic, and Easy Going without a single care in the World. Then Suddenly and without warning in the Middle of a Laugh He could become Pissed and Aggressive or Down right Deeply Depressed. There didn’t seem to be any Rhyme or Reason behind the Sudden Trading off of Emotions. It wasn’t all Bad mind You as Dizzy’s Unpredictability and Unorthodoxly Outlandish Behavior is what made Him Appealing as You never knew what to expect Next. Dizzy definitely kept Other People on Their Toes, and it was the Emotional Intensity provided the Sitting on the edge of Your Seat Feeling You got every time You were with Him. Although at the Same Time the Unpredictability Factor was too Draining even if He was in a Good Mood the Whole Time You hung out You still felt Exhausted just being around someone who’s Intensity can be Overwhelming to the Senses.

Lee thought to Himself as They Duo lazy strolled down the Sparsely Littered Street. Lee mulled over His relationship with Dizzy, and after a good bit of Deliberation He came a Conclusion. Lee Concluded that He had to Distance Himself from Dizzy for a Long While if They were to remain Friends. The Trick was Dizzy in Small Doses that way You could circumvent the Unpleasant Side Effects of Dizzy’s Intensity. Lee wasn’t upset with Dizzy it just seemed that aside from His Overpowering Personality Dizzy seemed to be a Magnet for Madness. Eccentrics of all Sorts The Mentally Unbalanced, The Damaged, The Defective Misfits and Outcast Naturally gravitated to Dizzy a Perfect Example being the Bus Scenario. Lee wanted a Break and Needed to Rid Himself of Dizzy even if again only temporarily.

Lee decided to to Temporarily Tune Out the World and Observe the Various types of Graffiti Plastered across Store Fronts, Lining the Walls of the Allies, and in less Traditional and more Random Places (such a Mailboxes or Public Garbage Cans for Example). The Contrast between the Eclectic Mix of Street Art as Lee liked to Refer to it as since Graffiti had a Negative Stigma attached to it. There were Basic Artist Tags scrawled Hastily in Passing to Full Sized Murals that Encompassed an Entire Side of a Building. Lee chalked up the Variations to the Artists Time (How Much Time Did They Have to Paint Their Piece), and of Course the Raw Talent of the Particular Artist. Graffiti Artists tended to be Self Taught since the Academics Don’t Teach Graffiti in Art School. Lee’s Train of Thought was quickly Derailed by Dizzy’s Shitty Demeanor.

“Can I borrow a couple buck for a Bottle?” Asked Dizzy Demandingly

“Wha Yeah Sure thing.” Lee answered a little caught off guard since he had been Day dreaming at the time.

Dizzy snatched the wadded up Bills from Lee’s hand like a Wild animal snatching Food from a Person’s Hand. This irritated the living shit out of Lee as He felt Dizzy was being a major dick since Lee was the one doing Him the Favor. Dizzy Barged into the Liquor Store like a Bull in a fucking China Shop Flinging the Door Open to the Point to Strained on it Hinges emitting a Sickly Squeaking Sound. Dizzy sorted up and down the Small Row of Isles whipping His he’d Back in Forth which reminded Lee of a Shark in a Feeding Frenzy. At Last Dizzy grabbed a Bottle of Winkler’s Whisky off the Shelf aggressively as if He was taking back some Stolen Property of His.

Dizzy proceeded to then March determinately up to the Store Counter and plained the Bottle down with a thud indicating His currently Abominable Attitude. The Lanky Store Clerk grimaced at Dizzy with a look of Disgust, and made a snide comment about how Dizzy didn’t need to be banging Bottles on His Counter. Dizzy totally disregarded the Clerk and Threw down the Handful of Crinkled Cash Unceremoniously onto the Counter as if making a point to the Clerk that He could be as Disagreeable as He fucking damn well Pleased. The Clerk picked up the Money and Started to unfold it as He counted it out, and after seeing the Money was Sufficient grumbled something about Dizzy Not Hurrying Back anytime soon. Dizzy Exited the Liquor Store in the Same Fashion as HE had Entered in another subtle fuck you to the Clerk.

Stay Tuned for the Next Life Confirming Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (61/365)

Thanks For Reading,

By Les Sober

The Struggle Is Real

So I planned on Posting the Next installment of Lee Joints: Professional People Watcher Today, but to be quite frank I’m fucking worn out. There is some good News, well For Me anyways that I am happy to Report. Now You may have seen Me Ranting and Raving about the Fucked Up System of Highway Robbery Know as the American Healthcare System. That and You might have seen Me Enraged Railing Against the Outrageous fucking Scam the Healthcare System Truly Is. Hospitals are By Far are the Worst fucking Offenders of them all I assure You.

To Recap I have Raged against How its utterly insane that People sign up for Surgery or a Medical Procedure, have it done, and then wait to see what They Owe. Then when the fucking Bills come People just Shrug and Blindly pay them Without Question. Thats fucking Retarded. Before You get Your Car Repaired or Sign up for say Internet/cable Service You know Before hand what You’re going to be Charged, and What You will be receiving for said Payment. This is the way business is conducted unless You’re a Hospital in which case You do Your Damndest to Prevent Patients from being able to receive/View Their Itemized Bill.

Again People blindly Pay Medical Bills WHICH ARE NOT ITEMIZED and My Point is for the Massive Amount of Money involved wouldn’t You want to know what the fuck You paid for? If Your Mechanic or A/C Repair Guy did a Job for You and then handed You a Bill that stated only “You Owe Me this Sum of Money.” would You say Alrighty and fork over Your hard earned Cash No Questions asked? Without an Itemized Bill You’re allowing Whoever You’re dealing with to Exploit the shit out of the Situation by taking You for all Your fucking worth.

Now since the Dawn of Hospitals They have been seriously going out of Their way to give Patients the Royal Runaround Routine until You get Too Tired, To Exhausted, Too Pissed Off, or Plain just give the fuck up. The Question is Why? You paid a Handsome amount of Money so why would Hospitals make it insanely Difficult to get an itemized Copy of the Services You have Already fucking Paid For? The Reason is its No Secret that Hospital Charges are Outrageous, but They are so fucking Outrageous They don’t want You to Know How Much They Ripped You Off for. I think its safe to say Most of Us have seen one of the Countless Stories online posted by Patients chronicling and exposing Unbelievably Expensive Charges on Their Hospital Bill (Example: A Patient in NJ finally received his itemized Hospital Bill and saw They Changed Him $230 for a fucking 25 centToothbrush).

In the Age of the Internet Where Social Media is King making the Power of Word of Mouth even more Pivotal No One likes Bad Press. Especially Big Businesses who rely heavily on the Public for Their Income and let’s NOT FORGET Hospitals are BIG BUSINESSES Owned by LARGE CORPORATIONS. They damn well fucking Know if You see Your Itemized Bill then You’ll actually be able to see How Excessive and Greed Driven Their Charges really are. Their solution then is to give any Patient who requests an Itemized Bill the Run Around as Long as it takes for them to finally fuck off at last without EVER receiving the Itemized Bill. They Bounce You around from Department to Department, Tell You a Supervisor will call You Back with Clarifications (Big Surprise They NEVER call You), They will Mail it to You (Again They hangup and Simply Don’t Mail a Damn fucking Thing. Basically if They can’t frustrate You into giving Up, They try and Placate the Shit Out of You knowing that They have Absolutely No fucking Intention of Actually Helping You. They Tell You what You want to hear, hang up, and immediately forget about You.

I’ve been locked in this Battle with My Local Hospital for and I kid You Not OVER A FUCKING YEAR trying relentlessly but in vain to get a fucking Itemized Copy of My Bill. I have been Run Around like a motherfucker, Bullshitted, Placated, Apologized to, and Assured I would in fact receive My Bill which for the Record was a BOLD FACED LIE. I made 7 requests to have My records mailed to me (Hospitals intentional do not use the Internet for Billing just everything fucking else but Conveniently for them Not Billing), and was told Numerous Times that a Supervisor would call me back in 10-14 fucking days. Thats right I had to wait 2 motherfucking weeks, and like I said earlier They never fucking called and never intended too.

The Only Other Option to receive a Bill is By Fax like its 1986 or some shit can You say Outdated Tech?!! I because its fucking 2020 do not own or have direct access to a Fax Machine (Honestly I was surprised They still made fucking Fax Machines since I figured No One Used Them Nowadays), but I refused to Give Up and Let These Greedy fucking Bastards Win by wearing Me Out into Submission. Usually the People You’re referred to in Your quest for an itemized Bill are in fact Suborn, Abrasive, Standoffish, Aggressive, and Down Right Total Assholes. This I’m sure is Part of the Hospital’s Ongoing Scam because who wants to deal with a total dick? No fucking One thats goddamn Who.

Today I hit the Preverbal One in a Million and had a Woman Who actually Attempted to Help Me though She couldn’t actually get Me My Bill. She said as I stated Earlier that Mailing Doesn’t Work and I told Her I was Well fucking aware and that the whole thing is a fucking Scam from the Get Go. She also Admitted Supervisors don’t do a goddamn thing as Far as Customer Service of Any Kind as they Spend Their Days Holed Up in their fucking Offices Cowering Behind Their fucking Desks like a Bunch of Bureaucratic Paper Pushing Sons of Bitches. She went on to inform Me if I wanted a chance in Hell of actually getting an Itemized Bill I’d have to use the Fax Option. I then informed Her I lack the Time Machine I’d need to travel back in time to 1986 to get a Fax Machine and transport it back 34 years into the fucking Present.

She said I could go to a Store like Office Max or fucking Staples OR I could go to the Physical Hospital Itself and use Their Fax Machine. I was confused by the Receiving a Fax of My Bill when if I am at the Hospital they have a fucking Billing Department and ask what the fuck that was about. Apparently the Actual Hospital’s Billing Department Doesn’t have My Bill an operate Billing Department in another fucking state are the ones who are in possession of My Bill. My Question then is what the fuck are the cocksuckers in the Hospital’s Billing Department do all fucking Day Long if They don’t seem to do any actual do anything Billing related?!

I told the Woman while I appreciated Her so called Help and Information pertaining to My Bill that I simply didn’t Trust a fucking word out of Anyone who Works Directly for or a Third Party Employed by said Hospital fucking said. I went on to explain that I had a sneaking suspicion that if I went to a Store like Office Max then The Hospital would suddenly come up with a reason why they aren’t allowed to send faxes to Public Places of Business. That or if I went to Directly to the Hospital that They would either Tell Me No right Out or Worse Have ME wait for Someone who isn’t coming until I get tired of sitting in the lobby and go the fuck Home. At that Point We had reached an Impass since I still had No Personal Fax Machine, No Faith in the Hospital what so fucking ever, and She couldn’t send Me a copy of My bill without a Fax Number.

I then spent the next several minutes pacing like a Caged Animal on the Verge of a Psychotic Break and talked the situation over with My Awesome Wife. Luckily 2020 Technology it turns out provided a Back Door Option, as I should have Guessed. You see its 2020 so if You need a Fax Machine for some reason Theres an App for that and I downloaded it. After I installed it and it was up and running I called the Hospital back repeated My Ongoing request for an Itemized Bill, and That I had a Private Fax Number to send it to. The Second Lady I talked to tried to end the call by telling Me that She would put in a Mailing Request (Yeah My Ass) and I stopped Her in Her Tracks. I informed Her I had a Fax Number and would be using the Fax My Bill Option, but Not only that I wanted to be on the Phone as She Faxed it. I wasn’t about to have Them Yes ME to Death and Like the Phone Calls or Mail where They promise They’ll take care of it only then to play the “What do you mean You didn’t get it, We totally sent it.” run around bullshit. I wanted Confirmation that She faxed My Bill on the fucking Spot as I wasn’t about to give these slippery sacks of shit a chance to fuck me over again.

So after 15 Months I received My Copy of My Itemized Bill, mind You I haven’t looked at it yet as I’ve had enough Blood Pressure Aggravating shit for one fucking Day. I wouldn’t’ be surprised that there is a “Look at this Bullshit” post in the Immediate Future once I actually Lay Eyes on the Information.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

WITHDRAWALS OF THE MISUNDERSTOOD PART 3

Today was really lame. I thought I would be accomplishing a good deal but it turns out that is not what fate had in the cards.

I mean I did happen to take a walk outside for the first time in about a year and did some HIIT for a full 8 minutes. However sadly both were cut short due to wardrobe malfunctions.

The first malfunction was 100% my fault. I did complete 80% of my planned walk. My pants only completed about 50%. Everything is too big. I’m a poor judge of clothing size everything looks elephant like but then it still falls off my fat hippo ass.

The other malfunction, while partially my fault, I can handle easily. Bad battery in heart rate monitor. It felt weird that my HR was 91 the entire workout and then I tried fixing things and it bungled up more than before. Thank god for amazon.l, battery probably just dead.

I ended up smoking again but have a plan for this weekend. Straight up leaving my car at my parents house, doing 3 days of a nicotine patch and then going cold turkey. The coffee while it sometimes makes me sick will be tapered down at that point.

There was going to be a story about a former therapist however after further review I will not get into it. Instant replay has confirmed that she is/was a Karen.

Ugh…. wasted day. It’s about to be the second night of buttered herbal tea. At least it tastes amazing.

By Spacedog

WITHDRAWALS OF THE MISUNDERSTOOD PART 2

So today September 1st was supposed to be day 2 or 3 or something of no cigarettes and coffee. Let me explain what happened. I got a heavy spurge of motivation after my cup of coffee yesterday. So I decided to clean like it was no one’s business. Now I knew for sure I was not going to find something like a bottle of booze or pills or illegal drugs. But what I did find was 5 different cigarettes (in 5 different places nonetheless). They were stale so then I needed coffee.

Now to be quite honest, the 2019 version of me would have seen all these circumstances as the most absolutely wonderful reason to have some alcohol. For a split second I thought about buying beer because that once helped my stomach but then I remember the last time I consumed it. Splitting headache, feeling of wanting to vomit after the first sip, chest tightness, stomach cramps. It was definitely one of the easiest voices to shut off in my head on record.

So I bought a pack. I only have one part of my bedroom left where anything dangerous could be lurking. The most I will possibly find is one cigarette or two, but I figured I might as well clean every last butt along with every last hidden can of beer (all long ago empty).

I figured out what was making me so ill feeling was ketoacidosis. I am so glad I bought this guy.

My non-fasting blood sugar was 70. I literally took 2 sips of Gatorade and felt instant relief. I then realized I’m going to have to consume a lot more carbs without the cigarettes. You see there is one funny thing that is contained in cigarette filters of all kinds. Sugar or a sugar substitute. Now I fully know that while I am not consuming a whole heck of a lot of sugar through this inhalation process there absolutely has to be some getting down there.

It’s weird when I did the Wendy’s cleanse (which is basically just 2 pounds of Wendy’s consumed over 2 days without bread, sauces,condiments. Just meat and cheese (optional.) last week it was the best I have felt in months. This time I guess I wasn’t all that deficient in what the beef has to offer and I just feel moderately good today, just feel heavy. I don’t know. Just know that tomorrow I’m going to hop onboard this quit show again. Maybe not the coffee this time. If I can stick to one or two, I think I am going to do that.

Yet for as nicotine-fitty and awful as I was feeling yesterday I did at least find something to potential explain my kale vomit extravaganza.

Health Dangers of Cruciferous Vegetables

So yeah goodbye broccoli, kale, and cauliflower. I really cannot say I will miss you very much. May my spirit guide give me strength that my sister not cuss me out when I send her the link. I just try to look out for her because of a recent kidney infection but she honestly will never listen to my health advice until it is too late. I am fully prepared for this and for her untimely death before mine. It is what it is.

The only person I can help is myself when it comes down to it. I really feel I should clean more but I’m not sure I really want another 15,000 steps around my house today. Need to slow my roll a bit with weight loss. Anyway I will be back tomorrow with more ominous health links and ramblings.

By Spacedog

Pick Up Artists Are Fucking Frauds

I’ve been meaning to write something on this subject for quite awhile but basically forgot about it. The other Day however I was rifling through countless Notebooks and Shit reviewing My Numerous Notes, and Low and Behold I saw a Note about doing a Pick Up Artist Piece. Since there is No Time like the Present as They say so Here We Go.

So what the fuck is a Pick Up Artist? Well Their a Bunch of Over Zealous Frat Boy Date Rapist Douchebags who run around like They Bleed Red Bull with this Fake Bravado claiming to have Fail Safe Techniques to get Guys Laid. They go as far as to create bullshit Persona’s for Themselves (based on the Alpha Male Mythology) like Their fucking Rappers or Comic Book Superheroes which is Pretty fucking Lame. They basically try Their damnedest to Emulate the Stereotypical Macho Assholes They think Woman want to Be with a Great Deal of Overkill (A Perfect Example is Tom Cruise’s Fictional Character in the Movie Magnolia). Point being They’re Fake as Fuck from the Get Go.

What do Pick Up Artists (Who I will now refer to as Pick Up Assholes since that’s a far more accurate description) Do? Well essentially They prey on Shy, Insecure, Introverted, and Socially Anxious Gullible Guys Who have legit issues when it comes to Relating to Women. They Promise if the Guys follow (aka Pay For) Their “Techniques” that They are guaranteed to be transformed into a Slick, Suave Ladies Man that Woman will Line Up to have Sex With. These Techniques to Trick Women into Sleeping with You are so fucking convoluted (Not to Mention Overly Complicated as well) they come off like so sort of Hybrid of Military Code crossed with Advanced Calculous.

The Pick Up Asshole recruits New Clients the same fucking way a Drug Dealer Does it’s the same fucking Method. The Process starts off Free via Youtube Video Suggestions that Lead the User down a Youtube Rabbit Hole of this Pick Up Asshole indoctrination. Next the Client is coherst into taking the Next Step which is Purchasing Several Hundreds of Dollars worth of Pick Up Asshole Books and so called Study Materials. Then once the Guy is Hooked their directed to take it up to the Next Level by attending a Paid Seminar which lets face it are Glorified Ted Talks. And These Scam Seminars aren’t cheap not by a fucking long shot as They Run $1,000 to $3000 depending on Who’s Charging. Scam Seminars can be Half a day up to 3 Days and Again the Longer the Seminar the Higher the Ticket Price.

NOW FOR MY REAL POINT. These Pick Up Assholes operate like a wannabe Secret Society with Heavily Guarded and Allegedly Flawless Techniques that also Assumes Women Don’t know Anything About Them. Thus like a Magician or Illusionist for the Techniques to Work You Don’t tell a Single Soul how the Trick(s) are Done. I mean it’s Far Easier to Win a Game if the Other Opponent doesn’t Know They’re Playing. Point Being that the Whole Pick Up Asshole Sub Culture is based on and Thrives on these Alleged Techniques to Manipulate Woman into Sleeping with You.

Here is the the Argument My Point is Based on which is How the fuck is a Secret Society Effective if Everyone Knows about it. You Don’t see the fucking Free Masons running around Explaining Themselves to the Outside World. You See in 2007 one of The Pick Up Asshole’s Major Players who goes by Nickname Mystery had a Reality TV Show Literally called “The Pick Up Artist”. The show was a moderate success and Lasted for Two Season from August 6, 2017 through November 30, 2008 that was Broadcast on National fucking Television. The entire Premise of the Shitty Show was Nine Male Contestants who are Unlucky in Love/With the Ladies get Pointers in the “Fine Art” of picking up Woman from Self Proclaimed Seduction Artist Mystery and His two Wingmen, Tara and Matador. The Show presented all the Tricks of the Trade again to a National Audience for Two fucking Years in a Row, and These Pick Up Assholes never realized WOMEN WATCH TV TOO WOMEN LIKE REALITY TV SHOWS/COMPETITIONS TOO. The Ultimate Result was instead of Boosting Cliental and Their Bank Accounts the Pick Up Artists taught Women that this Bullshit Exists, AND How it’s Done.

The Show had Exposed and Explained all of the Pick Up Bullshit to an Audience that included MILLIONS of Women thus rendering the Systems Useless. The Jig Was Up. Luckily for the Scumfuck Pick Up Artists Time Passes and People’s Memories Fade Away so the Industry went back Underground and regrouped from Pick Up Artist Show clusterfuck.

Fast Forward to 2020 and as I mentioned Earlier the Pick Up Artists have Gravitated to Youtube to Promote Their Ridiculous Horseshoe. Now it makes sense that in the Age of Social Media that Anyone with a Business would Use it as a Major PR Tool. How do You keep Your Techniques a Secret from Women when Your Posting Video after Video Advertising, Demonstrating, and Showcasing Your Brand of Techniques?! And Not to Beat a Dead Horse here, BUT WOMEN WATCH YOUTUBE TOO so again these Pick Up Assholes are Shooting Themselves in the fucking Foot. Secret Techniques DON’T WORK if Everyone Especially the Target Group KNOWS ALL ABOUT THEM for Fuck’s Sake. These Assholes need to Buy a fucking Dictionary and Look Up the Definition of Detrimental.

Thats the Equivalent of say During World War 2 America called up the Japanese Military and said “Oh Hey America here We just wanted to inform You wWe have invented the Biggest and Deadliest Bomb Known to Man. It’s called an Atom Bomb and We’re going to Drop one on Hiroshima on August 6th, and one on Nagasaki on August 9th. It will cause Mass Destruction and Death so Stay Tuned.” It’s also like America calling Osama Bin Ladin and saying “Hey There Bunny Old Boy we have a Elite Navy Seal Team in Route to Your Locations so Please Stay Put.” And the Simplest Metaphor would be a Bank Robber standing in front of a Bank in a Ski Mask waving His Gun Around and Screaming at the top of his Lungs “HEY EVERYBODY I’M ABOUT TO ROB THIS FUCKING BANK RIGHT HERE!!!! Its Utterly fucking Moronic Seriously Who does shit like that? No One Thats fucking Who.

You may be wondering at this point Why then would these Outrageous Assholes still be Doing what They’re Doing in spite of the Aforementioned Reasons that due to Over Exposure the Pick Up Artists Fieldi s an Increasingly Futile Venture? The Answer is Simple They do it for the Attention and the Money the two things these Over Rated Con Artists are Really Interested in. I Mean really Who cares if Everyone Knows Your full of fucking shit if there Still Poor Suckers out there Buying all Your Bullshit Merchandise and Tickets to Your Shitty Seminars.

The Saddest part of the Whole Pick Up Asshole Scams are when al is said and done the Client is Out Hundreds to Thousands of Dollars, have a bunch of Utterly Useless Materials and Techniques. The Worst part is on Top of all that They Still Can’t Score with the Ladies. Even if You Play Devil’s Advocate and let’s say all the bullshit Techniques actually worked it still Ends Badly. Hooking Up is Fun when You’re Young, but there comes that time when on Day You wake up and go “I’m tired of all this bullshit.” ,and then realize You want more out of Life than just Meaningless Sex. The Problem is if all You know is How to Hook Up with Women You’re left out in the Cold in the End. That’s because You don’t have a fucking Clue about having or maintaining an Actual Relationship be it Long Term or Otherwise. Essential it doesn’t matter which Path You choose to take They both end up in an Isolated and Alienated Existence Absolutely Alone.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

(P1:21amT)

The Tale Of The Lazy Boy Lucifer

I’ve lived out here in the Woods by the Lake for Ongoing 5 Years Now and I have seem some seriously Strange Shit Believe You Me. Now Living this Far Out in the Woods We don’t have certain things that Most People take for Granted such as Street Lights, Sidewalks, Fire Hydrants, City Water, and Trash Pick Up. The Last one is the Real Big Bitch of the Bunch since Not only do You have to Periodically haul Your Regular Household Garbage to the Dump, but Everything Else as Well Such as Old Furniture, Mattresses, Yard Debris and All Other Extraneous Shit.

You do have the Option of Paying for a Private Trash Removal Company to come Each Week and take Your Trash, But since They don’t work for the County You have to Pay Them Out of Pocket for the Service. And if You’re thinking that They might take advantage of the Situation and Exploit the hell out of People for Profit You’d be Absolutely Right. So Needless to say I know of Only one Household around My way that Pays for Trash Pick Up.

Since the Day We first Moved in I had Noticed one of Our Neighbors a few Blocks Down the Road from Us had a rather Odd ongoing Habit. Don’t get Me wrong these are Decent People They aren’tWhite Trash by Any Means They don’t have Cars Lying around Their Property Rusting into fucking Oblivion, There aren’t any Household Appliances on the Porch (like a Washing or Dryer Machine), The Yard is Mowed Regularly so it’s Not Overgrown or Plagued by Weeds, and the House is a Pleasant Looking One Story Brick Ranch with a Relatively New Roof. Thus for All Intents and Purposes it looks so Generic and Normal that on Any Given Day No One would give it a Second Thought. I would fall into this Category Myself if it weren’t for the Fact I noticed (and then became a bit obsessed over) the Chair Phenomenon.

These Particular Neighbors would Randomly without Rhyme or Reason Put a Living Room or Similar Type Chair Outside on Their Front Yard. This again isn’t a just Throw the fucker on the Front Lawn as there is Apparently a Method to this Madness. The Chairs are always placed in the EXACT same spot each and every time without Fail. If Your standing in the Street and Facing the House the Spot is the Lower Left Corner of the Front Yard as Far from the House as Humanly Possible. The Chairs sit just inches from the Actual Road, and in Front of a Natural Privacy Wall of Large Bushes that Separate the Property From the One Next Door.

The Chairs that have been Placed in that Designated Spot over the Years aren’t Junk by a Long Shot. All things Considered as Second Hand Chairs go These Chairs are in Decent to Good Condition they aren’t Beat to Hell, Torn or Ripped, Faded, or Missing Cushions or perhaps a Leg. In Fact they are in better condition than anything one might find at Goodwill or Habitat for Humanity’s Restores. Honestly there been a few Chairs that I actually in all Honesty thought to Myself “Damn if I needed a Chair or Knew someone who did I’d take this Fucker right here.”

There are Never a Sign like FREE, TRASH, or FOR TRASH PICKUP so I just came to assume that if Someone could use it They simply would take it. As time went on if the Chair continues to Sit out in the Sun, Wind, and Rain along with the Local Wildlife as well as Bugs/Insects collecting Dirt and Mildew I figured Someone in the Area would get fed up with Driving past and seeing the Particular Chair Rotting Away, and took it Upon themselves to Dispose of It (a sort of “Well if They aren’t going to do shit I don’t want to have to keep looking at this Eyesore.”).

Again the Different Chairs Sudden Appearance and Subsequent Disappearance Devoid of Any Reason that I can Tell of slowly began to Evolve from Mild Curiosity to Full Blown Full On Fascination. I couldn’t determine Why this Occurrence was Happening or Why it was Occurring. Who has so many Chairs to Discard in the First Place? Not to Mention Where the Hell where these Chairs Ending Up? And Most Important of all the Questions/Factors Who the Hell was Responsible for The Numerous Chairs Eventually Inevitable Disappearance?! So Many Questions and Not a Single Answer or Clue. Left to My Own Devices I slowly began Developing a Theory that Answered All the Questions I had or Possible could have, and here it is.

Generations Ago this Family was Faced with a Curse of Discomfort that was Placed Upon them by an Fellow Neighbor who was Pissed that They weren’t Invited to The Family’s Annual 4th of July Cookout. The Curse Stated that No Matter what a Cursed Family Member Sat Upon be it a Living Room Chair, Couch, Stool/Bar Stool, Loveseat, Bench, Recliner, Chaise Lounge, Hassock, Rocking Chair, Settee, Futon, Daybed, or Bean Bag Chair They Would Never be Able to Get Comfortable until They Day They Died. The Reality of Living Out Their lives with Their Asses in Constant Anguish was Utterly Unbearable to the Family so They started looking for a Way to Dispel the Curse once and for All.

The Family went from Town to Town, City to City, State to State, and Every Lead They managed to Scrounge Up ended up Amounting to Jack Diddly Shit. Dismayed and Deeply Depresses the Family was on the Verge of Abandoning Their Curse Breaking Cause when They came across the Mother Load of Tips. This One Tip Blew all the Other Tips Combined completely out of the fucking Water, and The Family’s Hope was Once again Restored. It happened while the Family was in A. Hole’s Home Decor Depot in God Knows Where New Mexico. Just as the Family was about to Leave the Store Empty Handed, which They had become accustomed to, They were Approached by a Shady Looking Salesman Sporting a Sinister Smile Named Asmodeus. Asmodeus empathized with the Family’s Plight and because He did He was willing to Give the Family the Key Piece of Information that They so Desired.

Asmodeus tipped the Family off to the Whereabouts of a Last Boy Retail Outlet Hidden so Deep in a Dark Corner of an Appellation Mountain Vally that The Locals Denied its Very Existence. There at the Mysterious Lazy Boy Outlet The Family would find the Man They had been Seeking for Decades, and this Particular Man possessed the Cure to the Uncomfortable Curse. The Family set out Immediately in Search of the Illusive Lazy Boy Outlet Post Haste Their Hearts Filled with Hope. The Family Drove for what Seemed like Eternity until They Reached the Secret Access Point in the Application Mountains that would lead Them to the Mythical Lazy Boy Outlet the Menacing Salesman Spoke Of. It took the Better half of the Day to Navigate the Increasing Rough Terrain of the Appalachian Mountains, especially for the Family of Amateurs who were Unaccustomed to such Physical Toil.

At Last as the Sun was Setting far off in the Eastern Horizon the Family Exhausted and Caked in Dirt and Filth Stumbled Upon the Peculiar Ominous Lazy Boy Outlet. The Family Tentatively Entered the Dank and Shadow Filled Store being extremely Cautious in Their New Surroundings so Far from Home. The Store was Illuminated by 18th Century Oil Lamps that were Scattered Around the Store making the Dense Shadows Dance Upon the Walls and the Ceiling itself. A Thick Layer of Dust Lay upon Each and Every Surface within the confines of the Store, and Cob Webs swayed back and forth like a Body from the Gallows.

All of a Sudden a Decrepit Old Woman came Slinking forward from the Shadows to Greet The Family. The Family told the Old Hag Their Tale of Woe as She Nodded Knowingly as if She Somehow had Heard it All Before. Once the Family had Finished Their Story the Old Hag informed Them that They could in deed Break the Curse, But just like so many things in Life there were Strings Attached as Nothing is Free.

The Family was so Overcome with Excitement at Finally being rid of The Curse that when the Old Hag handed them a Clipboard with a Unknown Document Pinned to it They Signed it with Gusto not bothering to Read a single fucking word of it. Once the Old Hag had the Signed Document She informed Them that it was a Life Long Multigenerational Contract that Guaranteed the Family that the Curse was Now Broken. Not Only that but as Part of the Contract the Family would be Given the Most Decadent, Luxurious, and Decadent Lazy Boy Recliners that Man has Ever Known.

The Family Rejoiced at the Old Hag’s News as They Cheered, Laughed, Danced Around, and High Fives One Another Smiling Ear to Ear like a Bunch of Jackasses. The Old Hag waited patiently until the Family’s Fanfare had Died Down and then Informed Them of the Previously Mentioned Attached Strings that also came with the Contract. To Uphold Their End of the Contract the Family as Long as Their Bloodline continued to Walk the Earth would Periodically Sacrifice a Chair to the Lazy Boy Lucifer. And if They Failed They would be Dragged Kicking and Screaming Straight to The Household Hell which was Governed by The Lucifer of Lazy Boys. There the Family would spend Eternity as Satanic Salesmen Selling Shitty Chairs to Demons who could Never be Satisfied, and would Return to Torture the Shit Out of Them since Household Hell has a No Refund No Exchange Policy.

So Thats Obviously what is Going on with My Oddball Neighbors since its the Only Scenario that makes any sort of Sense. And Thats That Plain and Simple.

Thanks For Reading,

By Les Sober

Where Ever You Go There You Are

It’s No Secret that I have a Extremely Low Opinion of the Human Race and People in General. I avoid People as much as fucking possible unless I absolutely have to Interact with Them. Recently a Friend of Mine had a Falling Out with one of Their Long Time Friends, and when I heard the Story I gave My Honest, Straight to the Point, No Holds Barred Opinion since I Don’t Pull My Punches. After We talked My Friend suggested I write a Post about it, and so here I am Doing just That.

The Backstory: My Buddy Who I will call “Bob” got a Text from His Long Time Friend I will call “Phil” who unbeknownst to Bob had totally fucked up His Life in Texas. So being one of those People that Blames Everything and Everybody for Their shitty Life, BUT THEMSELVES. That being so Phil decided to up and move to Florida. Phil believes that His moving would Magically Fix everything Wrong in His Life just by Relocating. The Problem is Phil hasn’t figured out the fact that Wherever You Go You There You Are. Point being You can’t out run Your Problems because You are the One creating the Perceived Problems, and until You work out Your issues They will stick with You no matter where the fuck You may Go.

The problem arose when after Impulsively agreeing to let Phil and His Girlfriend crash at His House Bob resized He had made a Mistake. In all due Favor Phil contacted Bob and informed Him of His Situation a mere 3 Hours before planning to arrive at Bob’s House. Phil also just fucking Assumed that Bob would Automatically let Him, His Girlfriend, and all Their Stay at His House. With COVID running amok across America, and a Wife with Pre Existing Medical Conditions Bob realized it be Far too Dangerous (not to mention Idiotic as all Hell) for Phil to Stay with Him. Bob felt bad and Offered to Pay for Phil’s Hotel Room, and Apologized Profusely for His Mistake/Lapse in Judgment, and here is the Final Text Phil sent Bob before Cutting Off all Further Communication.

“Never blamed the virus on you, but still can’t believe that we were turned away after 2 days of hell on the road. I’ve known you for almost 20 years and “Roberta”(Bob’s Wife) for almost 10 years, it’s not like I’m a total stranger. I know she (Roberta) has never met Amanda (Phil’s Girlfriend), but she is super cheerful and careful because I also have a weakened immune system. We don’t take this Virus Lightly. Can’t believe you couldn’t vouch for us after all we’ve been through and hate that you’re controlled all the time. I know the virus is scary but we were trusting you enough to stay over at your house. Evidently there was no trust in return.”

Well Holy Motherfucking Shit this Text is so Twisted and Ass Backwards I barely Know where the fuck to begin, so I’ll just Start at the Beginning.

Phil starts with the Statement that He doesn’t Blame the Virus on Bob well isn’t that fucking Nice of Him. Phil then bitches/Complains about He’s “Hellish” road trip from Texas to Florida. That has absolutely NOTHING to do with Bob at all as Bob didn’t tell You to move or to relocate to Florida that was all Phil’s doing. Phil just comes off like a whiny little Brat who gets angry if He can’t do whatever it is He wants to do which for a grown man is Utterly Pathetic to say the least.

The Next point of Phil’s about being friends with Bob for 20 years and shit is Ridiculous. If Phil was actually as Good a Friend as He apparently claims to be (not to mention for 20 fucking years) He’d understand why Bob had to change His Plan. I mean it’s just A GLOBAL PANDEMIC where America has become the Epicenter , and the Fact Phil was coming from one of the Worst COVID States in the Nation doesn’t Help His argument. That and He stopped over in Mississippi where a shit ton of People like Phil use as the Half Way Point it too is a Highly Infectious Area. The lastly Phil is traveling through Florida yet another Entire fucking State that’s a fucking Hotspot. SO to recap Phil went from Texas to a Well Used Half way stopping point for other COVIDIOTS, and then Travels through Half of Florida just to get to Bob’s House.

Talk about High fucking Risk, and as far as I know Phil nor His Girlfriend where following Coronavirus Protocol like Social Distancing or Wear a goddamn Mask. For All Anyone Knows Phil didn’t practice the recommended Safety Protocols at all, and could have encountered/Interacted/Hung Out with Who fucking knows how many People during his 48 hours on the Road. Not like Any of US was There.

Phil then makes the utterly Asinine comment that He “Isn’t a Stranger” as if that means that some how by Knowing Bob thats means Phil and His Girlfriend aren’t an High Risk Factor for Infection. The Fact Their Friends doesn’t even Factor into it, it was just a way of Phil trying to make Bob feel Guilty. Guilty for what exactly for Protecting His Wife and Himself from again A MOTHERFUCKING GLOBAL PANDEMIC that has KILLED over 138,ooo fucking Americans Alone?! Trying to manipulate Your Friend with Guilt to Me means They were Never a Real Friend to fucking begin with, I mean who the fuck does that Immature Childish Shit?!!

Then Phil talks about His Girlfriend who first and foremost is allegedly a Very Cheerful Person. Oh I’m fucking Sorry is being fucking Cheerful a Coronavirus Deterrent, NO IT FUCKING ISN’T. Phil’s Girlfriend’s cheerfulness is a COMPLETELY MOOT POINT as it means fuck all in this Situation. Then Phil say His Girlfriend is Careful, and I’m calling BULLSHIT BIGT IME on that Stupid Statement. If She was in Fact Careful then She would have stayed Self Quarantined in Texas, and Not Travel 2 Days across some of the Most Infected fucking Areas there are Currently. She would have realized the UNNECESSARY and Dangerous Risk a Trip like that would Pose. Traveling was the RISKIEST thing to do during a fucking Global Pandemic, and the Safest would to be to Stay Put and Self Quarantine. Careful My Ass.

Phil then adds to the Idiocy buy saying that He has a Weakened Immune System or Pre Exisiting Condition which make Him at the Highest Rick of Coronavirus Infection. Again with a weakened Immune system WHY THE FUCK would You take a 2 Day Road Trip? That makes ZERO SENSE and was an Incredible Stupid thing to do. Also if His Girlfriend was careful She would have NEVER allowed Him to Leave, BUT She didn’t She went with Him. Phil then has the balls to claim that He and His Girlfriend don’t take the Virus Lightly well Again We see Phil’s Actions are the EXACT OPPOSITE of what He’s Claiming. Not to Beat a Dead Horse, BUT taking a fucking Road Trip currently IS THE GODDAMN EPITOME of taking it Lightly.

The Phil mentions Bob not Vouching for Him, but Vouching for what Exactly?! Vouching that Phil is Trustworthy, a Good Employee, or that He’s COVID Free in spite of the Extenuating Circumstances?! There’s No fucking Context so the whole Vouching For deal is Nonsensical Horseshit. Then Phil claims that Bob is “Controlled all the Time” whatever the fuck that means. What Bob is being controlled by Aliens, Evil Spirits, The New World Order, The Military, The Government, CIA, or Some Evil Entity?! Serious what the fuck is Phil babbling about here I have No fucking Idea I just know its 100% Irrelevant to the Conversation.

Finally right at the very fucking end of His Lengthy Text Phil admits or Acknowledges that the Coronavirus is indeed Scary. Well thats News to Me since Phil’s Actions Speak FAR LOUDER than His Feeble Words. Then all of a Sudden Phil Says “We Were Trusting You to Stay at Your House” like Bob, His Wife or His House was the Safety Issue?! It’s Phil and His Girlfriend that Pose the Threat to Bob and His Wife, Yet Phil seems to be trying some Role Reversal Tactic which is a SERIOUS PUNKASS BITCH OF A MOVE. Then Phil goes back to attempting to Guilt Bob with the last line pertaining to Trust.

Phil has the fucking Nerve to bring up the Subject of Trust? If I was Friends with Someone for 20 fucking Years I’d Trust though They may be Disappointed They would TOTALLY UNDERSTAND Why. The Fact Phil is Bitching, Guilt Tripping, and All Out Arguing the Facts around the Pandemic thats Affecting goddamn Everything (Not just Phil although He seems to Feel He is the Only Asshole on the Planet. Hey Phil YOUR NOT ALONE) just make Phil look like a Really Shitty Friend. Phil is being so Shitty over the Situation most People would immediately reconsider Their Friendship with Phil. Who wants a So Called Friend that Acts like an ABSOLUTE AND UTTER SELFISH SELF CENTERED FUCKWIT??? Phil need to get the fuck Over Himself, Man Up, and Take Responsibility for His Life Not Running Around picking Fights with His Friends for Fuck’s Sake.

More Proof People are fucking Idiots. I seriously wonder Sometimes how the hell Humanity has made it this fucking Far without Going Extinct due to Our Own Mistakes, Behavior, and Overall Shitty Attitude. We Pollute the Water, Air and Land while Killing Off Entire Species, and Constantly Trying to Kill Each other its Amazing Humanity has somehow (I assume due to Dumb Luck) hasn’t Gone the Way of the Dinosaurs.

Thanks For Reading,

By Les Sober