Creative Writing – Page 8

Saying “Let Me Let You Go” Is Fucking Lame

One of My Best Friends from High School, and only one of a few People I kept in Touch Sporadically through out the Years was Bluejetski (Sad to Say Bluejetski Passed Fairly Recently). Something We had in common was We both were in Agreement People do Absurd Shit without even thinking, or at Least Thinking it Through. A Prime Example was that on of the Most Common Absurd things that People do is End Phone Conversations by Saying “Well Let Me Let You Go…..” which is Utterly Ridiculous.

If I’m the one Ending the fucking Phone Call then Why am I acting like the Person I’m talking to said They had to Go?! Also whenever Someone says “Let Me Let You Go…..” They explain what it is They have to Do Now, and that’s the Reason They’re Ending the Call. If You think about it for a Second it makes Much more Sense to say the Alternative “I Have To Go…..” since it’s Far more Accurate a Statement.

Luckily on of the Reasons Bluejetski and I were Friends in the First Place was We shared the same Absurdly Bizarre and Extremely Dark sense of Humor. So in this Case We decided as Far as We were Concerned We would always Opt for “I have to Go” over “Let Me Let You Go”, but that wasn’t all Not by a Long Shot. Next We Launch an Unofficially Official Who can Top Who with the Reason We had to Go. Since Blujetski’s Untimely Demise I’ve reflected on Our Unique Friendship to say the Least. Thus I decided to Type up a Mock List as an Example(s) of the Weird Shit We Said to Each other over Our 27 Year Friendship.

Here We Go: “I Have To Go…..”

I Just Farted Blood.
I shit so hard I Prolapsed My Rectum.
My Grandfather just Spontaneously Combusted.
My Cat Just Ate My Dog.
I got my Dick stuck in My Bong.
My Grandmother just Transformed into My Grandfather.
The Aliens are Here and want to get on with the Probing.
I was holding a Seance and Now all My Dead Relatives are here.
I just made Jam out of a Jellyfish.
A Bear is raping a Rabbit in My back Yard.

I accidentally Disemboweled Myself.
The Acid I took just Kicked and I being chased by French Fries.
A Dingo Ate My Baby. (Hats off to You if You get That Reference)
Satan is Calling.
Just started a New Crack Addiction.
I have to Pawn My Great Grandfather’s Gold Teeth.
I have to call 911 I was Masturbating and the Cock Ring is Stuck.
I was reading a Porn Magazine and got a Paper cut on My Cock.
I have to put a VooDoo curse on My Neighbors thats gives them all Herpies.
Jesus is calling Me Home I’m running Late.

I have to go watch Debbie does Nova Scotia (Hats Off if You get that Reference.
Stepped on a Needle at the Jersey Shore and Now am Addicted to Heroin.
I have to Jump Up My own Butt and Die.
I’m having a Way to Near Near Death Experience.
My Pet Hamster got Aids.
I have to Lobotomize a Stray Cat.
Drive the Sheep to the Sheep Fuckers Union Meeting.
I’m going to a Circle Jerk Hosted by an Octopus.
I have to Call Cthulhu (Hots off again if You get That Reference)
I have to find a Hooker with Grabs because I want Seafood, but I’m Broke.

I have to Impale My Boss.
I just Passed Go and Didn’t Collect $200.
Because a Riot Doesn’t start on its own.
A chicken thinks My Balls are Eggs and Won’t get off My Lap.
Have to Eat Pork’n Beans in Hell.
To Prove I’m a Real Man by Wiping My Ass with Barbwire.
I’m gonna try jerking off with Sandpaper.
I didn’t look both ways before crossing the Street.
A Bus Full of Nuns just Exploded Outside My House.
Forgot to Buy Fertilizer for My Mom’s Garden so I have to go Shit in It.

Going to Populate Antartica.
I fucked My Girlfriends brains Out and Now I have to figure out how to put them back in.
I have to figure out what to do with all these Dead Ninjas.
I have to Wax on Wax Off.
Join a Boy Band and Kill Myself.
I have to Eat Shit.
I have to get My Fuck Flying because I don’t give One.
I was scratching My ass and Accidentally Fisted Myself.
Have to Gargle with Broken Glass.
See about Aborting My Uncle.

I just went completely Deaf.
I give a Shit, But I don’t give a fuck.
Chuck Norris is here and wants to throw down.
Need to hold onto a blade of Grass to keep from falling off the Planet.
I have to go throw Airplane Liquor Bottles at My Alcoholic Aunt.
Have to get going on a Old Fashioned Bender.
I just turned inside Out.
ME, Myself, and I are in a Fight.
Swallow a Sword and shit a Dagger.
My head wasn’t fastened On so I Lost it.

My Brain fell out of My Ear and Rolled under the Refrigerator.
I have to train My Flea Circus because We’re going on a Tour.
Breed My Captive Platypuses.
I bought Guam so I have to Fill out a shit ton of Paperwork.
My Tapeworm is Hungry.
I got so High (aka Stoned) I can see My House from Here.
My brother is on PCP in the Backyard Kicking the shit out of a Squirrel.
I have to Try Bud Dry. (Hots off if You get that Reference)
Get in a Shouting Match with a Mute.
There Nazis on the Moon and Someone has to Stop them.

Moving to Chernobyl to see if I gain any Super Powers.
I have an Appointment to Pierce and Tattoo My Taint.
My 4th Cousin Removed needs an Exorcism.
I ate Shit and will Now Die.
Hack My Robots Brain to see what it’s Thinking.
Spear Fish in the Pond at the Local Golf Course.
Go to the Community Pool and Throw Rocks at People.
About to get into a Knife Fight with a Homicidal Hobo.
I’m converting to Cannibalism and a Tasty looking Jogger just went by.
I have to Just Say No. (Yup Hats Off if You got that Reference)

I have to go fuck Myself.
I got to start cooking a Rack of Spam.
I’ve gone Temporarily Insane, But I’ll Be Ok by Monday.
I got High on My own Supply.
I’m going to Start Some Anarchy in the UK (Hots off Reference)
Because I have something I need to do The Day After Yesterday.
I lost My fucking Marbles so I replaced them with Tiddly Winks and its not working out well.
I Assumed and made an Ass out of You and Me.
Disgraced My Family and am going to Commit Ritual Suicide as Penance.
I have to go See a Man about a Widget.

I just got Confirmation I’m going to be on Jerry Springer.
My Trailer Park is on Fire.
I’m upgrading from Double to Triple Wide.
My Government Cheese Just Arrived.
I’m throwing a Red Roof Party.
I just went on the Deep Web and Drowned.
I have to Pick My Teeth with a Razor Blade.
I’m not going Grave Robbing I’m Grave Spelunking.
Death comes to those who Wait and I’ve been on Hold Forever.
I just Projectile Vomited so I need to make sure I’m not Possessed.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

The Deviant Detective #7 Von Dire or Be Damned

“Like You Detective,” Otto continued,”I have little time to spare so Time is of the Essence in this matter You see. I will leave You with all the Intel You will need to Start Your Hunt, and Detective Please remember above all Discretion is Vitally Important while Dealing with as well as Resolving this Issue at Hand.”

With that said Otto drained His Drink in one Large Sip, Stood Up Quickly, and Handed Rock a Manilla Envelope He had retrieved from His Coat Pocket before Abruptly Leaving. Although Rock appreciated Ott’s Candor He still was a Little Taken a back about How suddenly the Conversation Ended. Rock Tossed the Envelope onto the Bar in front of Him with the enthusiasm of a Man who was just Served Divorce Papers. He flagged Manny down for another refill before lighting a Cigarette, and Exhaling Deeply a Token Sign of a Tired Soul. As Rock was leisurely putting out His Cigarette He noticed in His Peripheral Vision someone sitting down next to Him. Exhausted but still curious Rock slowly and deliberately turned to face the Person who had taken up Residence on the neighboring Bar Stool.

There sitting Next to Rock was a Petite Young Girl with Shiny Jet Black Hair and Piercingly Green Eyes who looked to be 20 years Rock’s Junior. Rock couldn’t Help noticing the Girl given the Circumstances in a Old Man Dive Bar She stuck out like a sore fucking Thumb that’s was for sure. Even Manny who usually was infallible seemed enamored by the Young Girl He was fumbling and bubbling the Bottles of Booze He was inventorying. Rock found Himself wondering How this Girl ended up at Old McCoy’s when She should be at some Generic Sports Bar with a bunch of Annoyingly Loud Girlfriends and Their Dumbfuck Frat Loving Jock Boyfriends.

The Girl picked a Pretzel from the Bowl that was sitting next to Rock’s empty Shot Glass and Mulled it over in Her fingers as if in Deep Contemplation. Rock started to think of various reasons the Girl might have picked such an Out of the Way Hole in the Wall Like Old McCoy’s. More than likely Rock thought She was simply hiding from Someone like an Asshole Ex-Boyfriend or Perhaps She was hiding from the World in General. Before Rock had time to consider another possibilities the Young Girl became to Speak.

” Don’t think I was being Rude or that I’m a inconsiderate Asshole, but I couldn’t Help over Hearing Your conversation earlier with that Stiff and Stern looking Investment Banker looking motherfucker.” said the Girl without looking up from the Pretzel in Her Hand.

“COuldn’t Help? What the fuck does that even mean, it’s just a bullshit excuse People use so hopefully the Person They were ease dropping on Doesn’t haul off and Hit Them,” criticized Rock with Angry Frustration, “You eased dropped on My conversation because Your Nosey and wanted to Hear what We were saying. My Point is is wasn’t a fucking accident or freak fucking occurrence. You deliberately decided to Listen in plain and fucking simple that’s the way I See it.”

“That aside if You’re going Hunting for Someone on The Dark Web The Old Fart was right Your going to need somebody with some serious Tech Skills. Anyone can use the Dark Web, but finding someone takes a shit ton more Know How than the Basics.,” the Girl said completely ignoring Rock’s harsh criticism, “Like You said Anonymity is Key and lets face it the Dark Web is the New fucking Alaska for motherfuckers who Do Not want to be Found.”

“Look I’ve had one hell of a fucking Day so I assume this is where You tell Me why You’re That Person.” muttered Rock into His Beer Glass.

“Have You ever Heard of the Hacker Known as VonDire?” asked The yOung Girl Slightly with a smirk.

Now Rock may not have been the most Technically inept person on the Planet but that didn’t mean He was in the Dark by any Means. Rock had in fact heard of VonDire who had been the Center of Several Big Tech Hacking News Stories over the last Year or So. Aside from the List of Litanies the Media like everyone else had No Idea or Actual Information pertaining to Who VonDire was. The News had Reported a Variety of Allegations such as VonDire was a Member of the Hacktivist Group Anonymous until getting Kicked Out of the Organization for Conflict of Ideology. They had Reported VonDire was an Ex-Military Anti-Government Radical, a Anarchistic Tech Terrorist who Lived Only to create Chaos through Destruction. There were News Stories Alleging VonDire was the Illegitimate Love Child of Dark Web’s Silk Road Founder Ross Ulbricht (aka Dread Pirate Roberts) and an Infamous Drug Cartel’s Mistress, and that VonDire was a Hackers Version of Robin Hood targeting Corrupt Corporations and Billionaire Bastards.

It was all Here say because if Any One Knew who VonDire was or How to Track Him/Her Down it would have already happened, and been blasted across the Media Platforms like wild fucking fire. This Meant VonDire is as much of a Mystery as They were From Day One. Not to mention Rock wasn’t a Blithering Idiot or a Drunken Fool so He was well aware that the Shit People Say in Bar’s is simply that Shit People Say in Bars. Rock wasn’t impressed by the Name Drop and He sure as Hell didn’t have a single reason whatsoever to believe that this Attractive and Petite Thing sitting Neck to Him was a Wanted International Hacker. Seriously Rock thought to Himself was He supposed to Believe this Pretty Little Thing sitting Next to Him was the One who had been wreaking Havoc on a Global Level that’s fucking Certain.

“Look You don’t have to believe Me its doesn’t Chap My Ass in the Least,” replied the Young Lady,”It’s obvious by the Scowl plastered across Your well worn face You Don’t, but not only that You Don’t care either. What You Should Care about is the Man Your considering Working For Mr. Otto Van de Berg.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” demanded Rock gruffly as He grew tired of Talking to People when He had come to the Bar to Drink Alone.

“Well I’ll keep it sort at least for now since I’m aware Your Time is Precious,” countered The Young Lady, “The Van de Bergs Aren’t Angels They’re Devils. In Reality The Van de Berg’s are some of the Evilest, and most Revoltingly Vile Pieces of Shit to have ever been Regurgitated up from The Bowels of Hell.The Van de Bergs have amassed a Fortune since the Early 20th Century in Oil and Railroads. In the Beginning The Van de Bergs indulged in White Collar Crimes like Fraud, Tax Evasion, Insider Trading, Ponzi Schemes, Embezzlement, Wage Theft, Bribery, Labor Racketeering, Forgery, Copyright Infringement, Cybercrime, Identity Theft, and Money Laundering. The Whole Nine Illegal Yards as it were You see Greed is One of the Biggest and Dangerous Motivators of Man.”

“So They’re Wealthy Elitist Assholes, The Sons of Bitches of Bureaucracy Out to Finically Rape the World’s Riches on the Broken Backs of the Common Man.”commented Rock almost under His Breath.

“The Story Doesn’t Stop There Oh No the Van de Bergs started to Expand Their Criminal Repertoire first with Gambling and Loan Sharking. Next the Van de Berg’s branched Out into Arms Dealing followed by Them Entering the Drug Game. Then it was Prostitution, Human Trafficking, and Murder on a Massive Scale. At this Point if it’s Illegal and there’s money to be made the Van de Bergs are involved in it to some degree.” said the Young Girl with the Honesty of a Nun.

Stay Tuned for THE DEVIANT DETECTIVE #8 Coming Soon

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober (12:31am)

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (58/365)

“We at least it doesn’t smell half bad just kind of sweet musty Smell.” commented Lee before taking a Huge Swig of His Beer.

It just so happened that right then All Hell Broke Loose on the Bus and Spiraled Out of Control Quickly. It all Started with the Businessman Meth Head, and the Bus Bunny who was Bouncing Up and Down on His Lap like His dick was a Pogo Stick. They were banging away as They had been for the last 15 minutes or so when all of a Sudden the Businessman’s Eye’s (which had previously been Bulging out of His fucking Skull) Returned to Their Sockets, and then Promptly Rolled back into His Head so all You could see was the White of HIs Eyes. He then began Convulsing as if He was being Electrocuted by a High Power Line as His Mouth fell Open and His Body then went Ridged as a Steel Beam.

At this point the Bus Bunny realized something seriously fucked up was Happening as by now half the Bus was looking in Her Direction. Just as She started to turn Her head to Peer at the Horror Show behind Her She was Launched into the Standing Position Massive Torrent of Jizz. The Comatose Businessman’s Muscles had tightened to the Point of Cramping, and Jizz was Gushing like a inverted Waterfall from the Eye of His Cock. The Bus Bunny was only on her Feet for a Split Second before being Catapulted (with a Great Force) Up and Over the Seat Back in front of Her. The Poor Woman went tumbling through the Air Flailing like Mad as She went Upside Down Ass over Elbows, and finally She came Crashing Down into the Seat in Front of Her.

The Middle Aged Lady who was sitting in front of the Businessman and the Bus Bunny had enough common sense (combined with a Heavy Dose of Shock and Awe) to get the fuck out of the Way before it was too late. She was a Rather Tall and Thin Lady who Lee thought was a bit Over Dressed for the Bus was Standing in the Bus Isle looking utterly Revolted. Unfortunately for Her the Day was about to get any fucking Better that was for sure. As She stood scowling like an Enraged Buzzard at the Sloppy Homeless Drunk Power Vomited on the Floor Point Blank. The Sheer Puking Power sent a Large Collateral Spray as it Slammed against the Bus Floor. Some of the Extraneous Vomitus splashed onto the Dignified Lady’s Pair of New Heal Breaking Six Inch Heels. This sent the Lady who could barely handle the Various Bodily Fluids She found Herself being Bombarded with into a Homicidal Bling Rage.

The Lady whipped off Her Vomit Soaked High Heel and swung it like a Professional Baseball Player into the Side of the Drunks Head. The Six Inch Spike of a High Heel lodged Solidly Five Inches into the Drunk’s Ear Canal obliterating His Ear Drum and Piercing His Alcohol Soaked Occipital Lobe. She then Tore Her High Heel free from the Drunk Man’s Head sending a Stream of Dark Red Blood to Cascading Down onto the Priest Sitting Next to the Drunk. The Poor Priest had been attempting to counsel the Intoxicated Man about the Evils of Alcohol and the Teachings of the Bible before being Bathed in The Man’s Blood.

The Priest left to His Feet and immediately threw one Hell of a Hay Maker punching the Well Dressed Lady square in Her Right breast. This sent the Lady stumbling Backward until She collided with the Asian Gamblers sitting in the Back of the Bus which sent them into s Cursing Frenzy in some sort of Asian Dialect. The Priest Then Out Stretched His Arms into Christ on the Cross Pose, and began Ranting and Raving about The End of Days while Randomly Quoting Revelations. Lee had No Idea What about the Priest pissed Dizzy Off so Severely, But Dizzy Lunged up and out of His Seat, charged the Priest like a fucking Linebacker and Broke His Forty Ounce Beer Bottle over the Priest Holy Head. As Dizzy Physically Assaulted the Priest he Yelled “Eat Shit You Apocalyptic Asshole”. The Priest collapsed crumpling to the Floor like a Blood Covered Rag Doll. Dizzy’s Beer Bottle had Busted the Priest Wide Who was Bleeding Profusely, and Sporting what is Referred to in Hardcore Wrestling as “The Crimson Mask”.

The Screaming Gang of Asian Gamblers Upset a Young Man sitting Near by who was Huddled Over His Fiancee to Protect and Shield Her from the Increasing Violence. It didn’t take long before the Young Man got so Angry He felt the Need to Retaliate, and He did so by Releasing several Fighting Roosters He had Stashed in a Small Chicken Wire Makeshift Cage by His Feet. The Roosters came fluttering out in an Agitated Storm of Feathers, Beaks, and Talons ready to do what They Do which is Fight to the Death. The only issue was the Rooster weren’t in a Ring so instead of Attacking Each other They Attacked anyone they came in Contact with on the Bus. The Bus at this Point had Evolved from a Bar Room Bus Brawl into a Raging Riot as the Passengers kept escalating the Violence as They fought Tooth and Nail.

The Bus Driver desperately searched for any place He could pull the Bus Over and Escape the Confined Brutality that had Broken out on His Bus. The Driver frantically changed Lanes causing the Fighting Passengers sliding from one side of the Bus to the Other like an Out of Control Cattle Car. At Last the Terrified Bus Driver saw His Opportunity, and banked a Hard Right that damn well could have caused the Bus to Tip Over onto its Side into a Abandoned Strip Mall Parking Lot.

Stay Tuned for the Next Mentally Unbalanced Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (59/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Movies On My Mind: Us Is Not For Me

I think it’s Safe to Say We’ve all seen a Movie and be it Good, Bad or Indifferent We have thought to Ourselves that We if We had had the Chance We Could or Would have Done a Better Job. Regardless of the Fact I’m a Cinaphile I think We have all experienced this Phenomenon First Hand. Normally the Thoughts or Feelings One has about such a Movie no matter what they may be at the Immediately Following the Film They Simply Fade Away in No Time and Life Goes On. This is the same for Me, but with One Exception and the Exception is the Horror Movie US that was Written, Produced, and Directed by Jordan Peele.

This Movie has some how Lodged itself inside of My Skull due to the fact I have so Many fucking Issues with the Movie’s Plot/Script it’s not even fucking Funny. Its not just the Fact the Movie could have been something quite accessional if it was for all of the Problems with the Plot its also that some how in spite of all of the Issues Us was legitimately a Critical and Commercial Success above all. For the Record fuck the Critics who are all Fickle as Fuck, and Pretentious as Hell so I could give a Rat’s Ass what the So-Called Self Proclaimed Critics Think. On that Note as for Commercial Success well that one is Easy People are Sheep and Most will just Fall in Line with the Critics, and as for the Rest well there’s No Accounting for Taste as They Say.

The Set Up is Decent enough if Not Cliche for the Horror Genre with a Mother Adelaide who is Haunted by a Childhood Trauma when She was confronted in a Seaside Funhouse by Her Twin. Adelaide’s Family consisting of her Husband Gabe, Daughter Zora, and Son Jason) headed out on Vacation to Their House in Santa Cruz. The Family is Upbeat upon arrival and set out Settling in for Their Family Vacation. Then Four Masked Strangers Show up Lurking int he Shadows while Standing at the end of the Drive Way. Gabe verbally confronts the Ominous Strangers who seem totally oblivious to Gabe and His Threats. The Strangers then Attack the Family and Manage to Break in and Take the Family Hostage. It is then Revealed the Masked Strangers are in fact the Family’s Evil Doppelgängers (Twins).

A Reveal this Big would Normally be saved for the End of the Movie as Apposed to the Beginning so if You’re gonna pull a Major Reveal that Soon You better damn well Believe You can Back the Rest of the Film. Unfortunately for US this couldn’t be Farther from the Case as the Movie starts to Shit the Bed right after the Doppelgänger Reveal. I have summarized My Issues with the Movie US into a List if You Will which is as Follows.

If the Evil Doppelgängers are Supposed to be EXACTLY IDENTICAL in Every Way to Their Counterpart then why the fuck does Jason’s Doppelgänger Act like a Feral Animal scurrying around on all Fours when None of the Other Doppelgängers behave in such a Manner?!
Again if the Evil Doppelgängers are Truly Identical to Their Counterparts why does Jason’s Doppelgänger Pluto continue wearing a Mask once all the Other Doppelgänger Remove Theirs. The Audience finds out from Adelaide’s Doppelgänger Red that Pluto was “Born of the Fire” whatever the fuck that means and has been Horribly Disfigured by Burns.
Its all fine and fucking Dandy that Red is the Only Doppelgänger that is capable of Speech in Raspy Voice speaking in a Stunted Manner, BUT why the hell do all the Other Doppelgänger Grunt, Screech, Hoot, Howl, Growl, and make use of Other Guttural Sounds I mean what the fuck is the Point?! Traditionally in Horror if Your going to Kick Up The Creepy Factor You’d have the Other Doppelgängers remain Completely Silent. So it’s an Odd choice all in all.

Red tells a Tale of a Happy Girl who was Loved while Her “Shadow” remained Suffering in the Dark. Red then Explains the Doppelgängers refer to Themselves as The Tethered who Share a Soul with Their Counterparts. Then it could also be the Tethered Possibly Don’t have a Soul at All, but its Not made Abundantly Clear as to which.
Later towards the End of the Movie in a Secret Tunnel Red explains further that Tethered are Clones created by The Government, The Military, or Evil Corporation (Again its Not made Clear as to which it was) to Control Their Counterparts on the Surface. The Experiment Failed and the Tethered were Abandoned by Their Creators/Handlers to Fend for Themselves for Generations. The Tethered existence was Mindlessly Imitating Their Counterparts like something out of Jacob’s Ladder until Red unified Them and They Escaped to Seek Revenge. Now thats all Fine and Dandy accept WHY DIDN’T RED EXPLAIN ALL THIS IN THE BEGINNING after the Girl and Her “Shadow” Story as it would have helped the Continuity of the Film more Fluid.
What the Fuck are the Rabbits About?! Why the fuck Where Illegal Human Clone Creators Breeding or Housing an Army of Rabbits in Scientific Laboratory Cages/Conditions?! The Rabbits are used for some sort of Shock Tactic that Falls Far Short of its Intention.

The Fact the Tethered Look Identical to Their Counterparts and Act Independently in the Movie then Why is it Once or Twice in the Movie the Tethered would Mimic Their Counterparts Movements precisely , but most of the time They act Totally Independent from Their Counterparts?! It’s an All or Nothing Type Situation in Either the Tethered Mimic Their Counterparts or They Don’t Scenario. Not to Mention it’s Only Pluto Jason’s Doppelgänger who Exhibits this type of Behavior while the Other Tethered Do Not.
The Family should have Fought and Definitively Killed Their Tethered Doppelgängers at Their House instead of Running around Aimlessly towards the Neighbor’s House. Gabe Kills His Doppelgänger Abraham while crossing a Lake or Pond in a Recreational Boat. The Kill was fucking Lame, in Fact it was so fucking Lame it took the Audience a While Before Realizing Abraham is actually Dead as opposed to Injured, Unconscious, or in some Other way Inhibited. I mean have We learned Nothing from Horror Movies? If Your fighting on the Boat and You fall off the Back You Utilize the Motor to Mangle and Mutilate the Bad Guy.
As Far as the Neighbors there was No Need for Them in the Film. The Family could have Killed Their Doppelgängers and Turned on Their own fucking TV they didn’t need all that Time Wasting Bullshit running to the Neighbor’s House. The Neighbors are Nothing but Excessive to the Plot. Also the Kills were LAME in the Fact this Time They are Filmed Far Back form the Actual Action.

The Final fucking Issue I have with this Talented Turd of a Movie is the Totally Botched Final Twist right before the Credits. It’s when Adelaide remembers and realizes She is Her Own Doppelgänger which seems like thats the sort of Reveal I was talking about earlier, BUT this one sounds cool Yet it makes No fucking Sense I mean is She on a 20 year fucking Delay or something?! She can Remember every fucking disturbing Detail of that Traumatic Childhood Run in accept for the Fact She’s the Evil Twin. Thats the Evil Doppelgänger who knowingly Switched Places with Her Counterpart?! Also if Adelaide is Her Doppelgänger then Who the Fuck is Red supposed to be a Third Clone?!

All in All Like I said it could have been a Really Good Movie if the Time had been Taken to Smooth Out all the Inconsistencies as it were, But in the End it was just a fucking Waste of Film.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

The Upside of SARS

Before there was the Corona Virus and CORVID-19 the World had to Worry about it was SARS. For those who may Not Know nor Remember Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome or SARS is a Contagious and Sometimes Fatal Illness Caused by a Coronavirus. SARS appeared in China in 2002 and it Spread Worldwide within a Matter of Months though it was Quickly Contained. There has been No Known Transmission of SARS has occurred since 2004.

Now that in 2020 the Entire World is Faced with the Coronavirus COVID-19 which like SARS Originated in China. This time the Chinese were Well Prepared to handle the Outbreak and Spread of COVID-19 because of Their previously having dealt with SARS. Armed with Their Prior Knowledge on How to Prevent or Slow the Spread of a New Super Virus the Chinese have set the Standard for how to Deal with the Current COVID-19 Pandemic (or Any Future Epidemic or God Forbid a Future Pandemic as Well).

The System the Chinese have is Simple and Straight forward in its Execution. Every Person who enter ANY and All Buildings are Screened and Their Temperature is Taken, and if Someone has a Fever They are Immediately sent to what is referred to as a Fever Clinic. Once Someone arrives at a Fever Clinic They are Quarantined and Tested right away. Unlike in America where Tests take 1 or 2 Days to get the Results the Chinese Fever Clinic get Their results in just 4 Hours. If a Person at a Fever Clinic Tests Positive They are again Immediately transported to an Isolated Quarantine away from the Populous. Once at said Location the Patients are Treated while in Quarantine, and once They Test Negative and with a Doctor’s Clearance are Released. This severely inhibits the said Viruses Spread keeping Casualties to a Bare Minimum as a Vaccine is Developed.

Meanwhile in America due to Trump being the Fat, Greedy, and Utterly Ignorant Cunt are 8 Weeks behind the Rest of the World in Dealing with CORVID-19. We don’t have nearly enough Tests, and the Results take up to 2 Days, We have a shortage of Medical Supplies that are Needed to Combat a Viral Outbreak at a Pandemic Level, and a State of Emergency was only called for 72 hours ago. Not to mention Trump the Vile Orange Cunt cut funding to the Center for Disease Control (CDC) and Fired the Pandemic Specialist at the CDC, HE FUCKING LIED HIS FAT FUCKING ASS OFF. He knowingly spread Misinformation, Propaganda, Conspiracy Theories, Denial, and Countless fucking Lies. Trump’s Asshole Actions Resulted in the American CORVID-19 Pandemic Crisis We are currently facing, and CAUSED THE UNNECESSARY SPREAD OF COVID-19 that KILLED AMERICAN CITIZENS .

Why You might wonder well Trump is a Fat Greedy Fucker who was willing to put Personal Profits over the American People. Cocksucker Trump didn’t want to Lose Money so He Sacrificed American’s Safety and Lives to do so. THIS IS PROOF TRUMP THE CORRUPT CUNT AND THE TRUMP ASS KISSING REPUBLICAN SCUMBAG SYCOPHANTS care more about Their Bank Account and Stock Portfolios more than America or Americans. The Punishment of Execution should be a simple and Straight Forward as the Chinese Method of Viral Outbreak Containment.

Trump The Obese Piece of Shit, His Asshole Administration, and Any/All of His GOP Supporters should be Removed from Office. Once Removed They should all be Tried for Crimes Against Humanity, Convicted, and SENTENCED TO DEATH. The Death Sentence would be Carried Out in Public (and Streamed Live) Immediately following the Verdict without a Single Appeal Provided. The Guilty are sentenced to Death by being HUNG, DRAWN, AND QUARTERED since a Quick Demise is far to Good for These Greedy Shitfucks They should Suffer First.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

The 13th Floor Doesn’t Exist

A Superstition is by Definition an Excessively Credulous Belief In and For Supernatural Beings. Over the Thousands of Years as Humanity and Society Evolved into what We know Today People Developed a Particular Set of Superstitions. Some of those Token Superstitions include Don’t Let a Black Cat Cross Your Path, If You Break a Mirror You’ll have 7 Years Bad Luck, Don’t walk Under a Ladder, and Don’t Open an Umbrella Inside. One of the Best know Classic Superstition is Triskaidekaphobia, the Most Wide Spread Example of Triskaidekaphobia (or Arguable Any Superstition) is found in Buildings with Fifteen or More Floors.

This is one of those Oddities in One’s Life that though You have more than likely ridden in Your fair share of Elevators have probably Never even been Consciously were Aware of. All You have to do is the Next time You find Yourself in a Building consisting of 15 or More Floors watch the Numbers as the Elevator. You’ll see quite Simply that as the Numbers go up they Skip from the 12th Floor to the 14th Floor. The Point is Obviously that the Owner or Architect is Claiming that Allegedly the Building in fact Does Not have a Thirteenth Floor.

While this of Course is an Totally Outrageous and Physically Impossible Statement, BUT the Basic Psychiatry is There in the Out of Sight Out of Mind Principle. I for one feel that ts more of a Pavlov’s Dog type Deal. A Building Literally can Not Exist with a Missing Floor No matter the fucking Number. Its Not as if the Building Ascends to the 12th Floor and theres a Space Equivalent to an Entire Floor Missing, and The 14th Floor (and those above it) are Floating Inexplicable over the First 12. Thats what Sci Fi is for Completely Crazy and Absolutely Unrealistic Concepts Proving Life can be Stranger than Fiction.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

How Is That Dog Not Dead?!

Back when I was a Kid about once a Year or So My Family would load up in the Car and Head to Maine for a Week Long Get a Way. My Parents would rent a House along with Their Friends The Higgins (who had Two Kids yet They were Much Older than Me so They weren’t around A lot), and We would all meet up at the Rental House on the designated Date of Arrival. We wouldn’t do any type of Touristy Cliche Family Oriented bullshit We just enjoyed Nature and Each others Company. It was a Simpler Time for Sure.

This was back in the Day before Dog Boarding became a Trend so My Family would take Our Golden Retriever Tasha along for the Trip with Us. The only issue with having the Tasha with Us on these Trips was She suffered from Extreme Separation Anxiety. Again this was back when People didn’t know what Separation Anxiety even was and, People were Baffled to why They’re Dog’s were being so Neurotic and Destructive. The problem at hand caused Tasha to flip the fuck out when We left the House without Her and She’d bolt around the House knocking over furniture, Breaking Shit, and Chewing the Front Door Frame like a Starving Piranha.

Thats wasn’t all it didn’t end with just the Typical Separation Anxiety Behavior like I said earlier Tasha was afflicted with a Extreme Case of Separation Anxiety which caused Her insane Behavior to Escalate beyond belief. Once Tasha had gotten Her self completely Frantic She would actually JUMP THROUGH A WINDOW like some sort of Action Movie. Thus during one of Our later Trips to Maine My Parents and Their Friends went around the Entire House Barricading the Windows like something out of a fucking Zombie Movie. They Blocked Windows with Bookcases and Over Turned Tables among other things until the House felt more like fucking Fort Knox. Satisfied the Dog and House were Safe and Secure We all went out for Dinner at a Local Restaurant without a second thought.

After having Stuffed Ourselves on Lobster and Other types of Maine’s wonderfully Fresh Seafood We headed directly back to the Rental House. When We arrived My Parents were thrilled to see the House hadn’t been Trashed (just minority discombobulated), and there was No Sign of Damage to the Door due to Frenzied Chewing. Everyone was so elated by the fact the House and all its windows were in Tact No One Noticed that Tasha who normally would bum rush Us upon Our return was No Where to be Found. Slowly the Our Group spread Out to investigate, and as the search continued there still was not a single sign of the Dog. My Father then speculated that Tasha being unable to escape by jumping through a fucking Window as Per Usual had retreated Upstairs to hide under a Bed or in a Closet instead.

My Father promptly went up stairs to see if His Hypothesis was indeed correct, but the Dog still remained Illusive as Ever. In a matter of no time at all Everyone was upstairs searching under beds, in Closets, under/in piles of discarded Clothes, Bath Tube, and anywhere They could think of that the Dog possibly could be. Again the Search turned up nothing at all and now Everyone felt as if They were losing Their fucking Minds. Everyone split up after the Upstairs Search Party to continue to Search for the Missing Dog. It wasn’t soon before everyone was strolling around the House utterly Befuddled by it all. Everyone of Us ended up pacing around asking questions out loud like “Did We Lock the Back Door?”, “Where could Tasha Be?”, “Where did the Dog disappear to?”, “This doesn’t make sense!” and other such questions.

We were so Confused We unofficially ended Our Search to stand around to staring at one another in a Haze Dumbfounded as Fuck. Now Unfortunately it was son many Moons ago I don’t remember exactly Who Discovered what had Happened to the Mysteriously Missing Canine. All I remember is some one Shouting that they had found out what Happened so the rest of Us once again ran up stairs to see what was going on. The second story of the House had a pretty Basic You went up a stare case and once at the top of the Stairs if You looked directly in front of You there was a Long Narrow Hallway with a Natural Wood Floor that reminded Me of looking down a Bowling Ally Lane. On each side of the Hallway there were Two Bedrooms, and if You looked behind You when You were standing in said Hallway You’d see the Bathroom at one End and a Single Window at the Other.

When We all clamored upstairs We were informed that the Dog Tasha had in fact Jumped out of the SECOND STORY Hallway Window. We all instantly looked in the Direction of the Window, and it was indeed Broken like a motherfucker. To make things even more Grim below the Hallway Window was the Front Door where the Owner had installed a rather Large Cement Slab to serve as a Rudimentary Porch/Sitting Area. At that point We had to come to grips with the Sad Fact that Tasha had Jumped out of the Second Story Window (with No Way of Clearing the Cement Slab), and Limped or Crawled Off into the Woods to Die as Dogs are apt to do. The rest of the Night We all sat around forlorn as fuck, and in total disbelief at the situation We had returned to after a Nice Dinner Out. Finally We all concluded it was a freak accident, We were all upset by the series of Events that occurred, and that tomorrow would be a New Day and so We went to Sleep.

My Father had a Life Long Habit of waking up Before the Crack of Dawn Typically around 4:30am while the Rest of Us continued to Slumber for Several more Hours. Once My Father had made His mandatory Cup of Coffee He went to retrieve the Morning Paper, and when He opened the Door the Dog was Sitting there waiting. Not only was Tasha Alive and waiting for My Father to get the Paper She didn’t have a single scratch, Bruise, Not even a Limp after Jumping out the Second Story Window onto a Concrete fucking Slab. When the Rest of Us arose at Last We were treated to this splendid tale of Tasha’s miraculous (and equally unreal) Return.

Tasha lived out the Rest of Her life without issue and passed at the Ripe Old Age of 14, and until the Day I Die I will never forget Tasha the Luckiest Dog to have Lived in My mind. A Few Years after this volatile vacation We had phased out Our Periodic Trips to Maine but not due to this Incident. It was more than likely due to My Parents Dear Friend Don (who had Moved to Maine with His Wife after He retired from Teaching), and previous Colleeg Pasted of Natural Causes aka Old Age. Thus Maine has a Special place in My Fondest Memories because Alls Well That Ends Well as They Say.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

My Wife Took Me To Dinner In Hell

As I have mentioned several times before I’m not a Social Person and I generally find People to be Disappointing Overall. Thats why I detest Crowds be they Smaller or Larger, Sports Bars, Waiting on/in Line, Waiting Rooms, Traffic of Any Kind, Other Driver’s (I think most People don’t know dick about Driving), Movie Theaters, House or Large Parties, Festivals, County Fairs, Clubs, Restaurants, and All that Other Out and About Bullshit People are Into.

So when My Wife gets an Opportunity to Drag Me Away from My Extreme Reclusive Tendencies She takes it in a fucking Heart Beat. This was the Case Not too Long ago when Our Brother in Arms N@P Stopped by to Visit in route to the Great White North My Wife was presented such an Opportunity. My Wife who is Out Going and Much More Social than I am Exploited the fact N@P is just as Out going as She to Stack the Odds in Her Favor. The easiest way to get Me to agree to something is to make it Food Related. It’s the most Admittedly Easiest way to Manipulate Me into Participating in any Act of Social Conformity. Access to Alcohol (especially Beer) is an Equally Effective form of Manipulation because I like Beer so when Someone says Something like “Let’s get a Beer” or “Let Me Buy you a Beer” or “Let’s go to the Bar” how can I Ultimately complain?! I just think to Myself sure why not at least if it Sucks I can have a fucking Beer and feel better about the Bullshit Situation.

Knowing My Achilles Heel suggested We go out and get a Bite to Eat, and Low and behold She had a Restaurant already in Mind. Since N@P and I had downed a couple of Beers I was more susceptible to the Power of Suggestion so I asked what kind of fucking Restaurant was it that She had in Mind? My Wife Replied that it was a Mexican Restaurant that She had never been to, BUT Once in a While at Work My Wife and Her Co-Works will Order Lunch and Picked it Up (aka Fancy Man’s Take Out). I thought it be pretty fucking cool to have a chance to Eat some actual Authentic Mexico Food instead of the Americanized Taco Bell Version for a change so off We went. You see N@P is so goddamn Fluidly Zen on All Levels that He was up for Anything. We could have the World’s Most Expensive Caviar at a Michelin Star Restaurant or Eating $1 Hotdogs from a Cart standing on the Street N@P would be equally as Happy.

When We pulled up to the Rather Large Restaurant the first fucking thing I noticed was the Parking Lot was full as fuck. In fact it looked as if it was so fucking full the Overflow was parking along a Vacant Lot which currently was a plain grass Field. This immediately made Me Unamused as now not only was it a Restaurant it was a Packed as Hell Restaurant thus inevitably be Crowded as it possible could be. This meant there could be a long wait which in My mind was just just Insult to Injury really. Not only that but with a Crowded Restaurant its Loud so Back Round Noise is a Big Old Bitch, and wherever I sit be it at a Table or Booth or at the Bar I feel fucking Surrounded like I’m fucking Boxed in. Lastly I also seriously prefer to be sitting with My back to the Wall where I can see the the Door in particular as well as the rest of the Restaurant.

My assumptions in the parking lot were Dead on Accurate yet that wasn’t all there was an Extra Asshole Bonus awaiting Us lurking just inside the Front fucking Doors. The waiting room was Impressively Large and filled with fucking Customer’s standing essentially shoulder to shoulder like Human Cattle. The problem as it turned out was there wasn’t an Ounce of Organization in the Place at least We sure as Hell didn’t see it.

Not only were People entering and Exiting the Restaurant in Significant Numbers there was also the Current Customers trying to Navigate through in Search of their Table or perhaps the Restroom. In addition to all that crap there was No designated System for Customer to check out efficiently as the Cash Registers where crammed into the Farthest corner of the Room. That and apparently form any sort of Line was out of the fucking Question as People looking to Pay just lingered around like a School of Confused fucking Fish.

To make things more Chaotic the Restaurant apparently didn’t have a Bar so there wasn’t an Option to wait to be seated in the Bar which is an insanely great idea in General. Luckily they did serve Beer so that was a kind of crappy consolation prize in My opinion since I’d have to wait to be seated before I could order a Beer. Lastly the WaitingArea/ Lobby has a Very High Ceiling and Bare Walls (which were painted a lovely shade Of Refried Bean Baby Shit) so all the annoying noise was amplified by 2. As I was about to hit My breaking Point and was about to come completely unhinged I noticed My Wife had a rather confused look on Her face. Apparently the Hostess had shoved Her way through the Horde of Dinners to let Us know Our table was ready and to Follow Her, BUT in the Middle of all the Bullshit My Wife was the only one who heard her. It didn’t help that the Hostess did a walk by and kept walking and disappeared back into the Hungry Horde of Customers.

Now from the Outside the Restaurant looked like Your Typical Open Floor Plan, but once You entered the Building You realize that is comprised of a Maze of Small Dinning Rooms that twists and Turns like Mating Snakes. Once We were seated I looked around the Room looking at the Decor which was Insane it looked like the most Generic and Mildly Racist Interior Design I have ever fucking witnessed. I felt like I was eating in the World’s Shittiest Amusement Park or Perhaps a fucked up County Fair. There were Fake Windows and Aesthetic Awning complete with a Door (as well as windows on each side)I suppose to imitate Mexico Architecture, yet it just made it feel like a Second Rate Fun House. At one Point My Wife pointed the Door Out and jokingly asked “Who Lives There?” to which I answered “The Devil since You brought Me to Hell” causing N@P to Laugh like a Hyena on Laughing Gas.

The Only other Decorative component of the Cramped little Dinning Room was a Rather Racist Depiction of a Mexican Man sitting on a Stool outside in a Farm Yard. The Man was sitting directly behind the a Saddle while holding the Reigns so for all intents and purposes made it look like the Man in the Picture was about to have Sex with the Saddle. This caused Me to Immediately dubbed the Picture/Depiction “The Saddle Fucker” again to the Great Delight of N@P.

The last Oddity I observed was a Decently sized Flat Screen with the Sound turned off without the Closed Caption turned on. Without the Subtitles on the bottom of the Screen there was No Way of Knowing what the hell anyone on the TV was saying. Not only that it was installed above any reasonable Sight Level so 90 plus Percent of the Small Dinning Room could even fucking See it to begin with. The Only Customers who could see the TV for all it was worth (which was Nothing) was Our Table and The One in front of it as well as the one behind it. It was also located in an Unusual Spot sitting to the Right of a Corner in the Room and was also slightly but noticeably Tilted.

A Extremely Pleasant Surprise after having to endure the Horrid Decor and Abominable Waiting Area was the Fact Our Waitress was Accessional. She wasn’t just attentive to Or Table, but She was Intuitive as well. What I mean by that is for example if Your Beer was almost done before You could even complete the Though “Oh Man I need a Beer so Time to do the Whole Wheres My Waitress?!” She had a Fresh Beer already on the Table. That attention to Detail is not only Admirable but far beyond rare in this Age of Shitty Customer Service Assholes.

The Other pleasant Surprise was the Food, it was Utterly Awesome to say the fucking least. The most interesting thing was something I have never experiences I have had the Pleasure of Having. I memory is shit but I ordered aSteak Burrito of some sort and when it arrived I was Genuinely Surprised. The Burrito was just that No Bullshit Garnish or Bells and Whistles pompous bullshit. What I mean is it wasn’t topped with Salsa and Guacamole and all the shit you see at Apple Bee’s or Chili’s. It was EXACTLY what I fucking ordered a Burrito. The Intriguing thing was instead of the bullshit stereotypical Burrito it was served in a Brown Gravy for lack of a better word. It was Truly Exquisite.

So in the End I who am NOT easily impressed in lou of all the shit I hated about it was glad I went. Ultimately the Kick Ass Customer Service, Awesome Food, and 33 Ounce Beers Won Me over Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Pressure Sales Are For Idiots, Imbeciles, and Assholes

I don’t know about You up I for One absolutely fucking Hate Pressure Sales made most Popular by Car Salesmen. I swear to God I have no fucking Idea WHY any Salesperson would think that a Good Sales Strategy to get in a Customer’s Face and Badger Them, Bullshit Them, Hassle Them, and Ignore what the Customer is Saying (Especially when the Customer pushes back or resisted the Salesperson’s Pitch). If I walk into any Place of Business and a Salesman runs up on Me with that fucking Smarmy Fake “I’m Your Friend, I’m here For You” Routine I immediately Walk Out. And to be utterly Honest Not only would I leave instantly at this point in My Life, but I’d Curse them out for being an Asshole just for being an Asshole at that Point.

Now recently though I honestly have No fucking Why because I have Great fucking Health Insurance and Thank fucking God for That. That Aside I have been getting way too Many Sales Calls from a Variety of Assholes trying to Sell Me fucking Health Insurance. I finally had enough and Cursed the Last Health Insurance Salesman to Hell and Back I assure You.

I then Started getting fucking Robo Calls Asking if I was interested in a Health Insurance Quote. I quite obviously selected Choice #2 The Opt Out Option, but I still received several additional Robo calls before They finally fucking Stopped. Needless to Say I was far from fucking Thrilled about the First Robo Calls continuing the Attempt for Some Shady Insurance Salesman Scumbag to Sell Me Health Insurance.

Then just a Couple of Days ago the Insurance Shits decided to Text Me Now which again is fucking Ridiculous as far as I’m concerned. I mean I didn’t want to Talk to Them, I Didn’t Opt to Talk to Them, so Why the fuck did They think Texting ME would Work?! Now obviously NOT an Actual Person I was exchanging the Following Texts with thats a Given. With that Said the Fact of the Matter is Someone (A Person) had to Program the Tech to Respond in the manner in which it did. That in My mind is Equally as Insane as a Real Person Texting Me this Happy Horseshit.

Anyways Heres the Text Exchange Verbatim:

Sales Bot: Hey Les! Hey this is the insurance enrollment center. Want to see if we can save you money on your current health insurance plan? Reply Stop if you do not need a Quote.

Les: STOP!

*3 Minutes Later and Guess Who Texting Me Yep You Got it, and while I’m at it I’d like to Point Out that the Alleged Company Name is/was The Insurance Enrollment Center at First may sound find First, BUT when You think about it for a minute it’s a Totally Bullshit Name. It’s the kind of Generically Vague yet somewhat smiler sounding names Indian Phone Scammers come up with to Use. Any which way I digress for Now.*

Sales Bot: Hey Les! Hey this is the insurance enrollment center. want to see if we can save you money on your current health insurance plan? Reply Stop if you do not need a quote.

Les: STOP! STOP! STOP! This is the fucking second fucking time I have replied fucking STOP so STOP ASSHOLES.

Sales Bot: I understand, but a few minutes of your time could save you over $100 per month in healthcare costs. Is now a good time to call?

Les: FUCK OFF CUNTS!

Sales Bot: Thank you for your time. If you would like a healthcare quote, give us a call at this number and we go over your options. You will receive no further communication from us.

Les: Fuck You.

Again I have No fucking Clue Why someone would Program a Bot or Algorithm bullshit to ignore the Potential Customer even when Verbally Assaulted with virtually anything more than The Foulest of Words. Also if You noticed They kept trying to Sell Me on Their So Called Services all the way to the Absolute End. They leave off reminding Me first and Foremost that if I need Health Insurance to Give Them a Call. What the Fuck.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis:Professional People Watcher (57/365)

Lee diverted His gaze towards the Front of the Bus were a Small Old Man who looked sickly thin almost skeletal. It reminded Lee of a Late Stage Alcoholic who has given up food to Ingest just Alcohol like His deceased Uncle Wilber. The Man was so thin His clothes though the Right size when the Man was Healthier now hung on His Feeble Frame like a Child trying on His Father’s Suit. The Oldman’s long mostly white and greasy hair was slicked back, and along with His scraggly beard both seemed only to exaggerate His Disheveled Appearance. The Old man Shuffled Heel-Toe past the Driver and sat down in the Seat directly behind the Driver.

As soon as the Old Man sat down He slumped forward so far Lee thought He might tumble head first onto the Bus Floor at the slightest bump or jiggle. The next thing Lee knew the Old Man started to Vomit though since He apparently hadn’t eaten in a Long While He was puking up a Vile combination of Bile, Stomach Acid, Cheap Booze, and an excessive amount of Saliva. The Man just continued to periodically vomit over and over again until His Lap was a Pool of Putrid Smelling Puke. The Vomit that had Pooled in the Old MAn’s Lap began to soak into His pants and the Over flow started to creep down the Man’s Trouser Leg like a Waterfall in Slow Motion. The Smell permitted the Bus from end to End as Passengers fumbled frantically to Open as Many of the Bus window’s as Possible. All the while the Driver acted absolutely Oblivious to the Human Vomit Fountain sitting behind Him only Inches away. Lee felt his gag reflex about to go Full Tilt on Him and He at last looked away from the Old Man and His Veracious Public Vomiting Episode.

“HEY! HEY! HEY!,” whispered Dizzy like an Excited Child, “Look over there the Bus Bunny is making Her Move. I fucking told you, I fucking so told You So!”

Lee shot a quick glance in the Direction of the Bus Bunny who had remained standing in the aisle next to the Tweeked Out Businessman idol chatting away. Now She moved so she was now standing in Front of the Businessman as if She was simply passing by Him to the reach Window Seat. Then in the blink of an Eye the Bus Bunny transformed momentarily into some sort of Sex Ninja. In an Instant the Bus Bunny had Her Panties off and in Her purse, Mini Skirt Hiked Up, and was bouncing up and down on the Businessman’s Meth induced Boner all in one Foul Swoop. Lee’s turned His attention to the second set of Bus Door at the Back of the Bus as it pulled up to a Stop.

A Small group of perhaps 7-8 Very Stern looking Asian Men boarded the Bus, and moved immediately to the Back of the Bus occupying the Last several rows. As Lee looked on The Group of rather Grim looking Asian Men pulled out Large Rolls of Money, started counting out Different Amounts, and Handing them Back and Forth. The Eldest Member of the Group reached into a Bag had slung over His right Shoulder to retrieve a Bottle of Saki and what appeared to be Several Saki Cups. The Elderly Man placed the Bottle on the Floor of the Bus while he handed out the Saki Cups one by one to each member of the Group.

“What in the name of all things Strange is that all about?” asked Lee hoping Dizzy would have some sort of Insight into the Subject, and luckily Lee wasn’t Disappointed.

“Oh yeah that,” said Dizzy casually, “They’re coming from a Beta Fish Fight down in China Town.”

“What in the hell is a Beta Fish Fight?” Lee wondered aloud disregarding His surroundings.

“Well You know how We have Dog Fighting here in America Right? Well in Asia especially Thailand and Vietnam the Locals host Beta Fish Fights where People can Gamble on the Outcome,” replied Dizzy completely at ease, “Beta Fish are Cool looking, BUT they are Aggressive as a Motherfucker thats why in the Pet Stores they are Housed Solely by Themselves. If you put a Beta Fish in Your Tank they will not stop until they have killed every other fish in the Tank including Other Beta’s. Thats why Beta Fish Fights found a Home in Overseas Gambling.”

“Alright thats insanely nitrating, but that doesn’t explain the Slightly sweet smell wafting off of the Entire Group? Mind you its not a bad Smell just one I’m not Familiar with is all.” said Lee with a good deal of conviction.

“Opium. What Your smelling is Opium.” answered Dizzy without pause.

“They smoke Opium at Beta Fish Fights to?!” asked Lee in disbelief at what Dizzy had just told Him.

“No, No They don’t smoke it Nowadays, BUT all the basements and backrooms where the Beta Fish Fights are held used to be Opium Dens back in the Day,” Dizzy said with a Scholarly Air, “You see just like with Cigar Smoke Opium smoke lingered in the Rooms and slowly but surely permitted into the Wood Furniture, Wood Accents all that kind of Shit. Apparently they smoked so much fucking Opium that the Smell is not just noticeable at the Fish Fights but it can stick to the Attendees clothing and hair as well.”

Stay Tuned for the Next Pulse Racing Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (58/365)

Thank for Reading,

By Les Sober