Creative Writing – Page 9

One of the Strangest Things I’ve Ever Been Part Of

I was on the Phone the Other Day catching up the Other Day with None Other than the Infamously Infamous SpaceDog who I hadn’t Talked with in Quite Awhile. SpaceDog and I were doing what We always do Talk Shit, Mock Shit We Dislike, Swapping Stories, Sharing Ideas, Collaborating on Projects, Laughing Our Asses Off, Scouring the World with Sarcasm, Catching Up on Current Events, and General Venting.

All of a Sudden Someone using the Name John Drummond called Me which is already odd because I don’t know any asshole by the name of John Drummond. I mentioned the Name to Spacedog who cracked on the Guy’s Name using a Different Strokes TV Show Reference and that was the End of that. Not a minute Later I get a Text from John Drummond who apparently got My Voice Mail, Hung the hell up, and then Texted Me in lieu of Leaving a simple fucking Voicemail. Now it’s important to note I don’t use My Name on My Outgoing Voicemail, but We’ll circle around back to this a little later on. I Scanned the Text and updated Spacedog on the New Text Twist. The Text was pretty straightforward it said:

“I’m looking for The Owner of the Apartment Building in Camden SC” (SC the Abbreviation for South Carolina)

Now at a second glance this Mundane Message appears to be a Bit Bizarre starting with the Fact He Never Used His Name as in “Hi I’m John Drummond….” which You would definitely expect from a Business Call. Second He never used (or asked for that matter) what the fuck My Name was this was the Vaguest Communication I have come across. I informed Spacedog that this was just to fucking weird to Let Go, and that I was going to Set up a Conference Call with Spacedog and then Call this Mr. John Drummond.

Unfortunately I fucked the Conference Call deal up, but I didn’t want to hang up on the John Drummond Number just Yet. As the phone is ringing John septs Me a Second Text stating: “Sorry I can’t Talk Right Now.” which was Weird because He had just tried to reach Me twice via the Phone and then Immediately with the follow up Text moments after hanging up on My Voicemail. I decided to stay on the Phone a minute longer to see if John had an actual Voicemail of some sort or was it a Dummy Number that would Ring from here to Eternity with No Answer. I was surprised when I heard an Actual Message from Someone claiming He is John Drummond and I stopped listening and hung the fuck up.

So after conferring with Spacedog for a few Minutes We started to Brain Storm what could/would be the Creepiest and Unnerving Response to Text back (since I wasn’t done with this John Guy not as of Yet anyway). We came up with a Myriad of Ideas involving the Dark Web, Fraudulent Government Type Messages from places like Area 51, Fake Sales Calls for Pudd Puller Ince, and More. I was worried We were wasting too much time fucking around so I wrote back the most Basic Text as Humanly Possible “Can You Text?”. Again I never gave My Name nor did I usedHis I just texted back just those Three Words. Spacedog and I continued Our previous conversation before being interrupted by this John Character.

According to the Time Linked with the Individual Text John returned/responded to My Text exactly One Minute Later with a Text that read “On the phone will call back in a Minute.” Spacedog and I were still trying to figure out what the fuck this was all about. You see My Phone has an Out of State Number I haven’t changed on Purpose. Like I’ve said before I’m a Very Private fucking Person so Anonymity is a Key Component of My Personal Privacy Plan. I had checked the Area Code from which John was attempting to reach Me and it was indeed a South Carolina Number, BUT it wasn’t a Camden SC Area Code.

This Meant apparently John was in South Carolina which is where He said He was looking for some Apartment Building Owner, BUT He was in calling from a Area Code just over 3 Hours away from Camden. That placed John in a Completely Different County in a Completely Different part of the State. This Too Seemed more than a little fucking Fishy to Me (as Well as Spacedog) though I couldn’t put My finger on it wasn’t sitting right with Me. And lets face it I was bringing to get a real fucking Kick out of this John-Apartment Owner Bullshit.

About 10-15 Minutes Pasted as Spacedog and I chatted Idly before low and behold John is back on the Line. I again try to Merge the two Phone Calls but being Hyper Focused on the Situation at Hand along with being Impatient (especially with Technology) I failed again to connect all Three of Us as it were. All I was concentrating on was being able to Talk to this Mysterious Fuckwit No Matter What happened along the fucking way. I answered the Phone without Formerly Introducing Myself as I didn’t say anything like “This is Les Sober..” or “Hello I’m Les Sober…” I just launched right into His inquiry .

Les: Hello.

John: I’m looking for the Owner of the Apartments in Camden Sc

(First John never said Hello and Second What was the Name of these Apartments? They should at least Go by their Address, but John wasn’t obviously one for Names nor Addresses).

Les: Thats Not Me.

John Repeating Himself: Oh I’m looking for the Owner of the Apartments in Camden Sc.

Les: Thats Not Me. I not who you’re looking for.

(Since he asked the same Question Twice in a fucking Row as if He was looking for some kind of Verification that I was not in fact the Owner of said Apartments. I saw an opening to continue this Adventure in the Absurd and took it.)

Les: Why are You asking

John: I’m a Multi Family Reality Management Investor. I’m looking into Future Investment Property Prospects and Possibilities in the Camden Area.

(I’m pretty damn certain He made up the fucking Job title as its insanely Pretentious, Long Winded, and when You stop to think about it a second You realize how fucking nonsensical the Title is. Not to mention John was trying WAY TOO FUCKING HARD to sound like an Educated and Authentic Businessman. Can You say Overkill?!)

Les: Well that doesn’t mean a Damn thing to Me.

John: Thanks for at least calling Back.

Les: *Hangs Up without saying Anything*

Now for the Life of Me even with Spacedog’s vital assistance We still haven’t been able to figure out the Facts be They Legit or Fraudulent. I fully believe that this was some sort of Shady fucking Scam call, and wasn’t real in Any way Whatsoever. Spcaedog is sticking with His Hypothesis that John is a Real Deal Realtor of some kind Who is interested in Buying these Apartments, and that the current Owner had Died. Now if this was the case then John was cold calling People with the name Last Name, BUT My phone is Registered in another State, and I sure as Hell don’t live anywhere Near this Camden South Carolina that’s for fucking Sure. So again Why would John have contacted Me? Again I’m certain it was a Scam and that the Scammer was New or just plain sucked at His fucking Shitty “Job”. I believe the Apartment and Fake Job Title were meant to Peak My Interest into asking questions about such Reality Investments because everyone is looking for a an Easy Money Scheme.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Theres’s a Reason Monday’s have a Shitty Rep.

They say “Mondays are Mondays for a Reason”, and I’m pretty sure the Reason is that the People who Say that are Assholes. That aside what a hell of a Monday this one was and I’m not Joking. It all started When Our Cat ate Our Dog and I had to rush it to the Vet post haste. I hoped the Vet could give the Cat an injection of some Super Laxative allowing the Cat to shit out the Dog thus saving Both Their Lives. As I’m wheeling the Cat to the Car My since the Cat is Your average 8 pound House Cat, and the Dog was a Full Blooded Rottweiler thus creating a serious Spacial Issue for said Cat. The next thing I know My Sister blindsides Me out No Where with My Nephew in tow who looks like He’s had too much Sugar and not enough Sleep.

I agreed to what My Nephew but since My car was in the Shop I had to Borrow My Wife’s Miata which only seats 2. I tossed the Cat into the Passengers seat, grabbed My Nephew and Some Old School Bungie Cords (the kind they made so you could strap Excess Luggage to the Roof of Your Vehicle) without breaking stride. I then proceeded to Tie My Nephew to the Hood of the Car like Hunters do with Deer they’ve Killed with a quickness. My Nephew began to pitch a fucking fit so I simply told Him “You always wanted to go to Disney World so THUNDER MOUNTAIN UP BITCH!”, and with that We were off and running.

I called the Vet from the Car and asked if a Vet Tech could meet Me outside to assist Me and the Vet Office assured Me it be No Problem. So once I got to the Vet Clinic I slowed Down, leaned over and opened the Passenger Side Door, Yelled “TUCK AND ROLL MR. FRITZ!”, and shoved the Cat out of the Car. Luckily cats always land on their Feet so Mr. Fritz was fine. The next stop was My mechanic’s Shop to check on the Progress of My Car Repair. My Mechanic said He was waiting on a part so it might be another day or two, and so I asked Him if in the meantime if he could do Me a favor and Rotate My Back Molars for Me. He promptly declined right there on the spot claiming He couldn’t because He wasn’t a Dentist to which I said I didn’t care as I’m not a Dentist Either so?! Before My Mechanic could counter My Point He spontaneously Combusted which I am convinced was not Spontaneous in the Least. I believe He “Spontaneously” Combusted because He damn well knew He was going to loose the Argument.

As I was leaving My Mechanic My Nephew still mad about being strapped to the Hood like a Dead Deer had Himself a good Old Tantrum, and turned Himself inside out. Obviously I can’t take Him anywhere in that condition, but the little Brat that He is down right Refused to turn Himself Outside In. I don’t negotiate with Terrorists or Children so I put Him in a Duffle Bag because lets face it if your inside out there is a High Risk of Potential Staining, and Blood/Bodily Fluids are a real motherfucker to get out.

While on My way to My car I ended up walking behind to very Stern Looking Men in Expensive Three Piece Suits, and I happened to overhear some of Their Conversation. The Two Men were lamenting How Louie’s Mother made the Best Sauce (Marinara) either of the had ever Tasted, but since Louie fucked up They had to kill Him and His Mother. The fact that They were sent to Kill Louie didn’t seem to bother them in the Least. It was the Inevitable Murder of the Mother who made such a Legendary Sauce that was what They felt was the True Tragedy at Hand.

Along the Way I also saw a Drunk Homeless Man Cannibalizing Himself like a Deranged Snake. Thats to say He was attempting to swallow Himself Whole and had managed to ingest Both Legs up to the Knee. I was absolutely fascinated by the Homeless Man bizarrely abnormal Behavior so I stopped to watch for a while. Half an Hour later He had swallowed Himself Half way and was struggling to get past His Waist, BUT if there is a will there is a way as they say. Eventually the Homeless Man made it all the way up to His Neck and then He asked Me to Pull his Lower lip over His head. Seeing no reason not to I assisted the Man with His Request. Once His lower Lip was fully engulfing His head the Homeless Man took a deep breath and swallowed Himself out of Existence. It was was like watching a Manual Implosion it was fucking Crazy.

My Phone rang and it was the Vet’s Office informing Me they had Successfully induced Vomiting, and Mr Fritz had puked the Dog up and Out Safely. Both the Mr. Fritz and the Dog were exhausted by the whole ordeal and were currently asleep. I said that’s great to hear and that when They’re all good to go to call them a Uber for Me because I was too busy to double back to that side of town Now. Especially when My Nephew was still inside out and all. I pulled up to a light and while waiting for it to change I little Old lady who looked to be in her 90’s started to cross the street.

The Person in front of Me at the light accidentally elbowed Their Horn while reaching around behind them in the backseat. The Little Old Lady who thought the Driver was being Rude or an Asshole stopped Dead in Her tracks and stared motionless at the Driver for a few Uneasy Moments. She then Loudly announced to the World “I don’t have to take THAT shit, when I can Take THIS shit!” and then jumped up on to the Hood of the Offending Driver’s Car. Once She was perched on the Hood She took a Clydesdale Sized Rage Shit. The Driver started to angrily get out of their Car when the Little Old Lady when the Little Old Lady blurted out “Your an Asshole and I’m the Shit!” It looked liken actual Shit Guesser erupted from Her withered Old Ass as She shit Herself into Space.

After seeing something as Appallingly both Revolting and Awe Inspiring event as a Little Old Lady Shitting Herself (well Sharting would be more like it) into the Deepest and Darkest Depths of Space I went directly Home. Once I arrived Home I slapped a shipping Label on the Duffle Bag containing My Inside Out Nephew that said “Please Return to Owner.” See the thing is I had taken the Duffle Bag out of the Lost and Found at the Airport when I was in a pinch. I figured since there was a Tag on it I would just return it directly to the Owner once I need for it was done. I then called an Uber to take the Duffle Bag to the Airport on My Behalf, and spent the remainder of the Day wondering where the Little Pain in My Ass would End Up.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

If You Fuck Up AT Least Be A Man About It.

I mentioned in a Recent Post that We had a New Septic Tank Installed, and Why the Installation went just Fine Everything Else wasn’t. I’m going to be a bit unorthodox here and Tell You the Moral to the Story Up Front. The Moral of this Story is: NEVER SECOND GUESS YOURSELF.

You see I have a Contractor Who is Absolutely fucking Awesome and I Trust (which for Me is Saying a Shit Load) so I asked Him for a Referral. He gladly gave Me the Contact Info for the “Only I Guy I Trust for these Things…” as He put it and All was Well. Now right Before I called My contractor’s Guy a Family Friends it turned out had just had a New Septic Tank Installed too. This Family Friend went on and on and fucking on about how goddamn great the Experience was like it was the Second coming of Christ Himself. So after consulting some key Family Members Opted to Use Her Guy since He was apparently fucking Fantastic.

I got in Touch with the Family Friend’s Guy and everything at that point was in fact fine. The Guy Who’s name is, and I swear I’m not bullshitting is Tripp (Yes with to P’s because that makes it Classier or whatever). He showed up on Time and Left before the Job was Done saying Everything was alright and He was off to another fucking Service Call. Again He reassured Me the 2 man work crew He left Behind had everything on lock, BUT it was in the Last 30 Minutes of the Job that shit went South.

I was on the Internet No surprise there when all of a sudden in the preverbal Blink of an Eye My Service Went completely Dead nothing Internet related wasn’t working.I immediately knew what the fuck happened the Work Men had Hit Our Internet Hook up, and I ran the fuck outside to inquire. The first Work Idiot ignored Me when I tried to get His Attention until I got Loud and He couldn’t pretend not to hear me. I demanded to know if one of them had accidentally banged into My Shit because all of a sudden coincidentally Dead in the fucking Water as it were.

The Work Idiot I addressed Never actually said a single fucking word obviously not wanting to answer the Question like a guilty fucking child. What I mean by that is He acted like a Child who damaged something, put it back, and hoped no one would notice only to inevitably end up being Caught. So while Work Nitwit number one was Playing Dumb for all it was fucking worth they other Work Stooge asked Me if I had tried resetting the Wifi. I suppose the Question was meant to distract Me but what the fuckwit hadn’t considered was I anticipated such stupidity and already had preformed all the Standard Tricks and Trouble Shooting to No Avail.

I informed the Backhoe Driving Fuck Stick I had and it Obviously was due to the Fact that they accidentally damaged My outside Internet hook up and Shit. I then proceeded to jump onto My phone to keep from going Completely Insane on the Two dumbfucks milling around in My front Yard. I am well aware I have fucking anger management issue and I try not to be a utter fucking Asshole,, BUT I have no fucking problem being a Really Nasty Fuck if need Be. As I do my damndest to not go Batshit Crazy on these Two fucking Fools They shuffle around for a few Minutes, and then up and Left without saying jack diddly shit. Of course that Pissed Me off more, BUT I figured why pick a fight with 2 piece of shit Pions its the Boss I wanted to talk to.

I then spent 2 fucking Hours on the goddamn phone with My Internet Provider check EVERY FUCKING SINGLE THING until the First Customer Service Tech had to transfer Me to an Advanced Technician. I did another round of Diagnostic tests and Shit, but the Advanced Guy couldn’t fix anything though He really was trying like a motherfucker to Help God Bless Him. I told Him a Work Crew fucked up the Exterior Transmitter, and I wanted to do all this torturously mind bending bullshit to Prove it in case it was disputed by Tripp. The Next Day a Technician came out and INSTANTLY verified I was Correct that the Transmitter Deal had been smacked way out of whack. The Tech did what He had to and fixed the Problem in timely and Professional Manner. Luckily We have a Maintenance Plan so We avoided the $125 Service Call Charge so at least that was fucking cool.

By the time I calmed down it was the Next Day and first thing I did that Morning was call Tripp who Didn’t pick Up. I waited several hors and tried calling again and again Tripp didn’t answer. Finally I gave up trying to get Tripp’s useless ass on the fucking phone, and left a voicemail. The voicemail was civil as Hell I didn’t yell, Scream, curse, Insult or Threaten Tripp in anyway which is My Modus Operandi. I was told to give Tripp the benefit of the doubt because He could very well just be Busy and that I should give it one more Day. Against My best Judgment I agreed to Hang Back for a little while Longer.

Needless to say come the following Day the same shit happens I call and Tripp (who I now assume is ducking My phone calls) doesn’t answer His fucking Phone like a Real fucking Unprofessional and Immature fucking Asshole. By 4:30 as Popeye would Say “I’ve had all I can Stands and I can Stands NO MORE!” and this Time around I left a Second Message. This time I let Tripp know exactly how the fuck I felt. I first informed Tripp that through all of His Childish, Immature, and Unprofessional handling of the Entire fucking Situation that I wasn’t even making it about Money. I never once mentioned the fact that it would Cost Me fucking Money to fix His work Clowns fuck up. It had always been about how the Situation was handled that chapped my ass like nothing else. Thats not to fucking much to fucking ask is it?! I Hire and pay some Asshole to do a fucking Job They should be Professional since it’s Their fucking Job.

I went on to say I didn’t see how it was fucking possible to Own your own fucking Company and act like such an Immature Asshole when accidents Happen. I said I’m well fucking aware that Shit Happens as do Accidents and if He had just admitted to the mistake, Owned up to It, and Apologized that would have been the fucking end of it. I summed up with reminding Him what a fucking Spineless Coward He had acted like, and that I obviously won’t be recommending Him to fucking anyone Myself. On top of that I also informed Tripp that I would be writing a Negative Review Anywhere and Everywhere I could on Line and on Social Media.

And with That that was That.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

FYB’s Shitty Celebration

What happens when You get a New Septic Tank and while it’s being Installed You Fall Down a Serious Reddit Rabbit Hole?! You find a Reddit Room called “Any Reason To Party” where You start reading about something called a “Septic Tank Celebration of Shit Party”. You throw this type of Party in the Event You have just had a New Septic Tank, OR if Your about to get a New one since the Old one is Literally Crapping Out.

Ironically having a New Septic Tank Installed is a Real Pain in the Ass, but it is also an Unfortunate Evil of Life. So as Odd as it Sounded We decided after a Short Period of Discussion/Debate to throw the Shit to the Wind and Go For it. Now You may be wondering as We were at First what Exactly the hell a STCS Party Consists of. Well Good News We are here to Personally Let You Know First Hand What Its all About.

Septic Tank Celebration of Shit Parties are pretty fucking Straight Forward. First and Foremost there is No Decorations Required although People love to Toilet Paper Shit, and the Famous Smiling Feces Emoji (which has led to a Bizarre Branding Overkill, They have a Shit Emoji for Everything from Stickers to Halloween fucking Costumes for Fuck’s Sake. Also People are found of Attending these Type of Parties sporting a Variety of Shit themed T-Shirt like Shit Happens, Who Gives a Shit, No Bullshit etc. (Some more unoriginal People stick to the Traditional Theme of Wearing Brown T-Shirts).

The Focus actually being Feces the Party is a Literally a Homemade Make Shit Crap Inducing Cuisine. The point is to Serve Food that will intentionally induce Your Guests to Shit Their Brains Out thus Helping to Break in the New Septic System or Assisting in Bidding Farewell to an Old Outdated System thats about to take a Shit of its Own so to speak. We Opted for a fucking Buffet since We believe in the Go Big or Go Home Motto, and We set out a Shit Inducing Spread that could have Led to a Guest Shitting Themselves Unconscious.

Luckily We have 3 Bathrooms so even if a Guest Craps so Hard they Pass the fuck Out We still have the other Two Bathrooms accessible. This way We could keep the Party Pooping going due to the Constant Non Stop Shitting of Our Guests as They run the Risk of Prolapsing Their Rectum. We DO NOT SUGGEST throwing on of these Parties if You have Only One singular Toilet as this will lead to Fecal Overflow and Your Guests end up Shitting in Your Bushes, Flowerbeds, Garbage Cans, Pool Filters, and Other disgustingly Inappropriate Crapping (No One likes it when the Shit actually Hits the Fan).

We researched so Many Health Sites, Medical Sites, and Diet Sites We lost count, but We wanted to insure We had concocted the Most Effective Menu of Shit Inducing Foods ever Assembled by Man (We are currently waiting to hear back from The Guinness Book of World Records) to get the Shitty Job Done. We are confident this should Never Be Attempted Again by Anyone Anywhere at Anytime, and with that said this is what We came up With.

We thought that Finding a Variety of Effective Drinks would be the Most Difficult part of the Task. The Last fucking thing We wanted was to be Stuck serving Only Coffee as Our Only Beverage. Luckily We found out rather quickly that We were in Fact Wrong. Our Drink Options were:

Coffee
Coconut Water
Kale Smoothies
Peppermint Tea, Orange Juice
Full Fat Milk
Aloe Vera Juice
Kefir (a Fermented Milk Drink)
Chamomile Tea
64 ounce Bottles of Water (More Water More Crapping)
Metamucil mixed with Your Choice of Liquor

Then We Provided Some Casual Appetizers:

Veggie Plate (Raw Green Beans, Broccoli, and Tomatoes)
Plain Popcorn (No Seasoning or Butter)
Pistachios
Almonds
Whole Grain and Oat Bran Breads (Example: Rye)
Special Farro Bread (made w/ Ancient Strain of Wheat Popular in Italy)
Olive Oil to Dip The Different Breads into
Almond, Cashew, and Peanut Butter (for spreading on the Breads)
a Fruit Salad (Rasberries, Grapes, Papaya, Blackberries, Pears, Kiwi, Guava Fruit, Banana, Apples Slices, and Mandarin Fruit)

Then for the Main Course We had a Buffet that Featured:

Traditional Salad (Turnip Greens, Spinach, Swiss Chard, Kale, and Arugula)
Curry (Types Available: Dhansak, Tikka Masala, Saag, Korma, Jalfrezi, Vindaloo
Hot Sauce Soup (Pinto Bean or Clear Soup with Hot Sauce Added)
Lentils
Baked Beans
Potato Salad
Sweet Potato Fries
Clear Soup (Chicken and Dill or Plain Chicken Broth)
Brown Rice and Black Beans
Brussel Sprouts
Green Peas
Artichokes
Chick Pea Salad
Sauerkraut
Pinto Bean Soup
Refried Bean Burritos/Fajitas

Then for Dessert We Served:

Watermelon (Slices or Chunks)
Berry Chia Pudding
Pumpkin Pie,
Rice Pudding
Chocolate Laxative Full Fat Milkshakes
Plum Pudding
Activia Yogurt with Your Choice of Peaches, Strawberries, Raisins, Dates, or Prunes
Figgy Pudding

The Party was an Unmitigated Success and by the End of the Night Everyone had a Very, Very Shitty Time.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watch Watcher (56/365)

Lee watched the Businessman trapped somewhere between being Entranced and Horrified. The Businessman’s Eyes started to Bulge out of His Head as His face became Flushed, and He began to sweat Profusely frantically wiping His Forehead every 3 seconds. Lee couldn’t help but to compare what He was seeing to Witnessing a 12 Foot Giant Choking the shit out of Someone with all its Might. Lee was rendered useless by Indecision almost instinctively nudged Dizzy’s Knee with His 40 oz to get His Attention.

Dizzy lazily turned to look at Lee to find Lee staring at Him Wide Eyed like had just seen Hitler fucking an Electric Eel or some Crazy Shit like that. Lee motioned with His eyes in the Direction of the Businessman, and Dizzy having a Phd in Street Smarts from The FUCK YOU University of Life picked up on the question instantly. He took a second before casting a sly glance in the Direction of where the Businessman before quickly turning back to face Lee.

“What? What the fuck has You so Shook for fucks sake I know the Bus is a Bitch, but You’re being a fucking Drama Queen about it aren’t You,” said Dizzy with thorough Lack of Interest or Enthusiasm., “Just spit it Out what is Going On with You already.”

“I just saw the craziest most fucked up thing I think I have ever seen.” replied Lee still in a minor state of Shock and Awe.

“So what was it I’m not fucking Sherlock Holmes here so You’re going to have to Spell it Out for Me.” said Dizzy in the Tone of a Parent who is growing frustrated with a Child who can’t seem to Communicate properly what was going on.

“The fucking Businessman over there that motherfucker just Shot Up something in a Syringe directly into His fucking Neck, and Now He looks like His Head is Literally going to fucking Explode like the Guy in the Movie Scanners,”Lee explained while getting Himself even more worked up, “Seriously who does shit like That and in Public none the less?!”

“He’s Tweeting Hard as Fuck,” Dizzy Answered, “He’s a fucking whacked Out on Crystal Meth. My Guess is since He was Cooking up the Shot secretly without looking He probably just put to Much in by Accident, and Now He’s becoming well aware of His Mistake.”

“So what the fuck do You do in this situation I mean do We Alert the Bus Driver or Call the Cops?” Lee asked as His Mind Became to Race a Mile a Minute.

“NEVER CALL THE COPS EVER,” Dizzy Yelled Loud enough for the Entire Bus to Hear, “And what the fuck do You think the Bus Driver is going to do with this Information? I’ll tell You She will pull the fucking Bus over, call 911, and The Police with Show up with the fucking Medics. The Best thing to do is fucking Ignore it because it’s simply NOT YOUR PROBLEM!”

“Jesus thats fucking Brutal,” Lee said in utter disbelief, “The fucking Guy very well may Die right where He’s sitting on this crappy Bus. What a shitty way to go I mean imagine the obituary So and So Overdosed and Died on the Number something Bus today.”

“Fuck that Guy We don’t know Him, and We sure as Hell had Nothing to do with Him injecting Drugs into His Neck,” replied Dizzy Dryly, “If He dies He Dies.”

It was then that Lee noticed a Trashily Dress Woman with far too much make up on who had been sitting in the front of the Bus get up out of Her seat, walk over to the Businessman and handed Him a Bottle of Water. The Businessman snatched the Bottle of Water from The Trashy Woman’s Hands and downed it in One massive prolonged Sip. The Bottle drained and Empty He promptly handed it back to the Trashy Woman who then tossed it nonchalantly on the Floor without a care in the World.

“Look, Look right fucking there,” Lee blurted Out emphatically, “That Woman a fucking Stranger just helped out the Tweeked Out Businessman. See at least someone fucking Cares about Their fellow Man.”

“Don’t be Fooled that had nothing to do with a Helping Hand I assure you of That,” responded Dizzy condescendingly, “It wasn’t personal it was all business Brother All fucking Business.”

“What fucking Business the Free Bottled Water Business seriously what the fuck,” said Lee growing rather exasperated with Dizzy’s carefree attitude, “I think You’re the fucking One being Dramatic.”

“Bullshit It was Business and You want to Know How I know this its because SHE isn’t a good samaritan She’s a Bus Bunny.” responded Dizzy with an Air of Arrogance.

“Bus Bunny what the fuck is that exactly because it sounds like You mad it Up to be Honest,” said Lee confusedly, “Now its Your fucking turn to tell Me what the fuck is going on Exactly.”

“She’s a Bus Bunny. You know How there Hookers that tool the Truck Stops called Lot Lizards Right,” explained Dizzy confidently, “Well this is the equivalent of a Lot Lizard but Bus Bunny’s a Hookers who ride the Buses all damn Day it’s called Dicks for Dollars.”

“I find that extremely fucking hard to believe, But I have No definitive Proof that You bullshitting Me,” replied Lee sounding Defeated, “Stranger things have happen I suppose.”

“You Don’t need to take My word for it,” snapped Dizzy defensively, “Just keep You eye on Those Two and watch what Happens.”

Stay Tuned for the Next Extroverted Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (57/365) Coming Soon!

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Another Good Man Is Dead

It’s a Truly Sad Day here at FYB as I found out Earlier Today that My Oldest and Dearest Friends Mike BlueJetSki Dies to Soon Last Night of Congestive Heart Failure. Ever Since I found Out the World Seems to Be Somewhat Off as if Reality has Suddenly gone Askew. Another Fallen Friend to Bid Farewell to Another Death, Another Celebration of Deceased’s Life, Another Grave Needs Filling.

I’m not what You would call a Sentimental sort of Person so This is Far, Far, Far from any Biographical Memoire, but Alas I still have Shit to Say. I met Mike when I switched Schools right Before 9th Grade. It’s needless to say High School fucking Sucks, and Teenagers are Assholes so being an Interloper in a Group of fellow Students who have been fucking Classmates since fucking Elementary School. Mike was the First Person to approach Me and extend His Hand in Friendship.

Mike was an extremely Talented Self Taught Guitarist who I had the distinct Pleasure of Playing with in Several High School Bands with such as Burnt Toast, The Severed Heads, Rules of a Riot, The Satanic MC Collective, Shit Out of Luck, Far From Sober, and most Notably Stank Breath. Mike and I were part of the Motley Crew of Heavy Metal Loving, Pot Smoking, Underage Drinking Head Banger Slackers who’s only real accomplishment was Not Dropping Out or Flunking out of High School. For some in Our Circle of Friends that was a Tall Order I assure You.

Mike was also an Amazing Mechanic who was Born with a Natural Talent for Working with His Hands. I stopped by Mike’s Grandmothers House where Mike was Helping Her Clean Out Her Cluttered Attic. While Rummaging Through the Contents of the Attic Mike had come across His Grandfather’s Korean War Rifle. Now Mike had Obviously never seen a Korean War Rifle since He was Born After the Korean War Itself. It took Mike Meer Minutes to Completely Disassemble the Rifle, Clean it, and Reassemble it Flawlessly in Perfect Working Order .

During Our Junior Year of High School Mike’s Mother Started Dating since Sad to Say Mike’s Father had Died at an Early Age as Well of Heart Related Issues (The Kicker was He was on Medication that would have kept Him alive Accept for a Short Period He couldn’t Afford it and Paying the Bills. Talk about putting Family First and True Sacrifice.) a few Years before I met Him. Mike’s Mom was a Unconventional Character who was Honestly Quite Lonely and wanted Someone, Anyone really to Live out the Rest of Her Days With. After a long line of fucking Loser’s She impulsively Married a Southern Religious Fanatic and Old School Racist Asshole Don without Ever meeting Him in Person Prior to the Wedding (this was Pre Internet so They had to write actual Letters and Use Landlines to Communicate.)

Mike’s Mom suddenly announced one Day soon after Marrying Don the Dick to Dothan Alabama of all fucking Shitholes because thats were Don and His Family Lived, and They (Mike and His Siblings) had just under 2 weeks to get Their Shit Together before the Actual Moving Day. Again back in those Days there Weren’t wasn’t the Internet or Social Media or Skype so as I said communication could be Slow and for that matter inconsistent. The Only other Option outside of Snail Mail was Land Lines that Charged a small fucking fortune for Long Distance Calls. Being Teenagers Niether Mike nor I had any Money or source of Income so I could Move with Mike, and Mike couldn’t Move Back.

I did manage to Sell Enough Pot to Visit Mike During Spring Break to Don’s Dismay in Fact Don Claimed that if I came to Visit I’d “Bring the Devil to Alabama.” which being a Heavy Metal Fan and Teenager I thought was pretty fucking bad ass. In the End Mike’s Mom Divorced Don who became Mentally Unstable increasingly more and more as Time Passed. One Day Mike found Don sitting in the Kitchen with a Loaded Shotgun ranting about Murdering Mike. Mike tackled Don who was out of Shape and Obese and Wrenched the Shotgun from Him which He then locked in the Trunk of His car for Safe Keeping.

Mike was seriously one of the Most Artistically creative People I have EVER had the Sincere Pleasure of Knowing. Mike could Improvise like a Motherfucker No Matter what was Going On Mike could whip up a Song, Fictional Character, Short Story, or Movie Plot just to name a Few of Mike’s Natural Born Talents. Mike was the Ultimate Creative Collaborator the Synergy was fucking Insane like Two People living as One. Mike was the kind of Friend that We didn’t even Need to Talk, No verbalization Necessary to Communicate through just a series of Looks You’d know exactly what either of Us was Thinking/Feeling. It was Uncanny it Really fucking was. I image that being Friends with Mike equated to the Unexplained Link between sets of Twins.

Mike was also one of the Friendliest, Most Open Minded, Loyal, Caring, and Zen like People to ever walk the fucking Planet. I appreciated that being an Introvert who Spends Far too much Time in My own Head (sometimes to My Detriment) being Motivated by My Emotions. One of if not the Best piece of fucking Advice that has served Me well Over a Vast number of Years I got From Mike. I forget the exact Details other than We were Hanging Out in some Public Place, and I started to get Paranoid as a Motherfucker for some reason I can’t Remember. Mike Stared Me Dead in the Eye and in all seriousness said “Maybe what You think is going on ISN’T Going on because its all in Your Head??!”

Sad to Say that for Several Years Mike and I lost Touch until Our fucking Cliche finding One Another on (and it Pains Me so to Admit) Facebook back before Zuckerberg and I got into Our Battle of Wills. I will say this One of the first fucking things I did when the Bullshit FB shit happened I almost immediately exchanged Phone Numbers to Keep FB communications to a minimum. Unfortunately I ended up Abandoning Facebook which inadvertently lead to another Period of Separation if You will. Time went by and We ironically reconnected again on FaceBook, but it was Through My Wife who acted as My FB Middle Woman. From then on We talked several times a Month, but the Coolest Part was no matter how long it had been once We were reunited it wasn’t awkward or Weird in Any way whatsoever. Mike and I would simply Pick Up exactly whereWe left Off like No Time had passed at all.

My One and Only Regret is Not Seeing Mike in Person Face to Face since the Trip I took Junior Year to Visit Him. Technology has the Power to Connect, But it has No Personality. Some things can Only be done in Person there is absolutely No Technical Equivalent and Never fucking will be.

In Closing : I will Never Forget or Stop Missing My Dearly Departed Friend who I am sure is Giving Them Hell in Heaven.

Thanks for Giving a Shit & Reading,

By Les Sober

The Deviant Detective #6: Dark Web Desire

Revenge was a Concept that Rock was more than Familiar with as Rock had sought Plenty of Revenge in His Life thats for sure. Thats How Rock got into the Detective Game to begin with in Fact. Rock had always had a Special Affinity for UnderDogs of all Kinds His entire Life starting with Defending Fellow Classmates from Bullies when He was growing Up. In Adulthood Rock had felt the need to Protect People from the Bullies that had grown up to The Predators Preying on Innocent Civilians. People fucking over Other People Never sat right with Rock. Rock also harbored an Intense Hatred for all the Things He perceived to be Unjust in the World, and had No Problem resorting to Violence to Achieve His Goal No Matter What.

Rock also possessed a Volatile mix of Impulse Control and Anger Management Issues had made Rock’s Employment Record was Sporadic as Rock jumped from Job to Job. Rock would get a Job until He was either Fired for Acting Out in some Fashion, or He got board and Simple Up and Quit. Thus Rock’s inability to Hold Down a Job along with prolonged periods of Time between said Jobs made Him a less than desirable Job Applicant. The Time in-between were a Pause in what Rock considered long and extensive succession of shitty Jobs He had the displeasure of Doing just to Pay the Bills.

Rock had Never seen the Point in having a Job if You weren’t Your own Boss since Bosses tended to be Domineering Dicks or Greedy Ego Driven Assholes. The sum total of these Personal Components that Made Up Rock’s Personality had virtually Drawn Him to Detective work. He got to be His Own Boss so No Cowing Down to a Douchbag Office Dictator, He wasn’t physically constrained by being Trapped in a Mundane Office Building Manning one of Hundreds of Crappy Cubicles. With Detective Work Rock also could Champion Underdogs, Persecute Predators, Beat Bad Guys Bloody, and Pretty much Behave as He saw Fit. Rock wanted to remain Free from the Shackles of Corporate Life serving the God’s of Capitalism making Them obscenely Wealthy while the Works Struggled to make Ends Meat.

“I understand Revenge is a wonderful Motivator there is truly Nothing like It,” replied Rock Dryly as He was only mildly interested in what Otto was Talking about, “The Problem is the more Money someone Steals the Harder it is to Find them. More Money equates to More Options since You can Buy Anything as Long as You have the Financial Backing to Pay the Bill.”

“Well then it’s Lucky I know where My Nefarious Business Partner is currently Operating His Shady Business Dealings from,” said Otto in a slow and steady tone,”That Alone is a rather Large Lead as it will make Tracking His Movements, Location, Business Dealings, and Known Associates that much Easier. If Knowledge is Power then Technology Provides the Tools to Obtain such Power.”

“Alright Buddy Time is Money and My Patience is Short so You can stop talking like some fucking James Bond Character,” sighed Rock growing exasperated by the Ordeal,”Get to the Goddamn Point if You Please.”

“Alright as You wish I have No issue with being Direct,” answered Otto politely, “My Unscrupulous Business Partner has set Up Shop on the Dark Web Running a Red Room called “Do Unto Others” which is gaining Popularity among the Users of the Dark Web.”

“I know the Basics,” said Rock who’s interest was beginning to perk up at this point, “You need the Thor also know as The Onion Software to Access the Dark Web. That and You need to protect Yourself if You venture onto the Dark Web since there Undesirables of all Kinds so You need to Hide Your IP Address and VPN. From there You can access Hidden Wiki to see what sites are out there Lurking in the Abyss of the Dark Web.”

“Not to Shabby but You’ll need someone with Far better Technical skills but I’m more than confident You can Locate such a Person considering Your Line of work You must Cross Paths with Dubious Characters of all Kinds.” said Otto being as Frank as Possible.

“If and I do mean if I take the Job it won’t be a Hunt it will be a Fishing Expedition,” Rock said matter of factly, “I don’t have the Time, Energy, Manpower, or Resources to Scour the Entirety of the Dark Web and it’s insanely easy to Hide in the Shadows. I’ll need to Set some Bait and Lure The Target out of whatever cyber hole He is Hiding and lead Him directly to Me. How the fuck did You even find Out Your ex-business partner was on the Dark Web to begin with I mean that in itself is rather Impressive since anonymity is the Key element because for the Users of the Dark Web Privacy is Number One Principle.”

“Thats an Excellent Question indeed,” the Otto said in a Complimentary tone, “It made the Most Sense since My Partner didn’t have the Foresight to Keep His devious Plans a Secret. What I mean by that is He frequently would talk about the Dark Web which I believed to be a Sinister Obsession with Him. He was particularly fond of discussing how if He in fact committed a Major Financial Crime how He would Utilize the Dark Web to Help Him get away consequence Free.”

“Well it makes sense now that You mention it. He could instantly Hide the Money by converting it into the Crypto Currency Bitcoin thus erasing any way of Tracking the Cash through the Banking System, He wouldn’t have to pay the fee to Launder it, Theres No Way to track the Bills through Their Serial Numbers, and there No Banks to worry about poking around in Your Business.” commented Rock having become very Intrigued by this Possible up coming Case, “No to mention the Dark Web is ground goddamn Zero for Buying Fake Passports, ID Cards, Birth Certificates, and Driver’s Licenses basically if You can Counterfeit it You can Buy it on the Dark Web. One stop shopping for The Criminal Element. Also Operating on the Dark Web means all You need is a Computer and Your good to go it allows You to Stay hidden in a chosen Location without having to Risk the Exposure of Traveling in the Real World. Lastly like I said Anonymity on the Dark Web is the Most Important thing to It’s Users so No One will come nosing around asking questions or anything like that.”

“So there is No reason for Me to Explain as Your intelligent Man and have figured it out for Yourself which is one of the Reasons I wanted to Hire You in particular was for Your Deductive Reasoning.” stated Otto with an air of Satisfaction.

“The Only question I have left is How did You find out about Your Ex Partner had set up a Red Room,” asked Rock with Genuine Curiosity, “I’m additionally curious since I was under the impression that Red Rooms were just an Internet Urban Legend just another helping of Creepy Pasta and all that foolish shit.”

“I assure You Detective Red Rooms are Very Real,” answered Otto Ominously, “Very Real Indeed.”

STAY TUNED for the Next Installment of………

THE DEVIANT DETECTIVE #7 COMING SOON!

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (55/365)

The Bus Pulled up and came to an Abrupt Stop the Breaks Screeching like a Robotic Banshee, and the Smell of Exhaust was Overwhelming. Slowly and Uniformly Lee, Dizzy, and the Few Others at the Bus Stop got to They’re feet and shuffled Their Feet as They made They’re was towards Front Door of the Bus. As They approached everyone awkwardly funneled Themselves into a Single File line in order to Board the Bus. Dizzy went ahead of Lee and pumped a hefty handful of Change into Bus’s Ticket Toll Machine before making His way into the Belly of The Beast. Lee followed closely as He still had no Earthly Idea what the fuck to Expect.

Dizzy was Shuffling Heal-Toe down the Center Isle of the Bus like an Decrepit Old Man. Dizzy was doing so to Help insure His Stability as the Alcohol was beinging to Overwhelm His Motor Functions a Alcohol apt to do. Finally to Lee’s relief Dizzy Stumbled and Lurched Forward half falling into a Seat Somewhere around the Middle of the Bus. Dizzy dropped into the Seat only to Pop back up immediately like a Cracked Out Jack-In-The-Box bullshit staring at Lee His eyes Glassy and Bloodshot.

“Hold Up a Second I should take the Isle seat just to be Safe,” said Dizzy Pausing Briefly to collect his Muddled Thoughts, “You never can tell with this kind of shit so best We be prepared for anything and fucking Everything.”

“Safety First.” replied Lee having not a clue what the fuck Dizzy was going on About and Wrote it off to Dizzy’s State of Drunkenness. All Lee wanted at this point was for this fucking Bus ride to be Over as fast as fucking possible, and to be relaxing in the Corner of the Crystal Diner with a Beer and a Burger. Lee didn’t think that was to much to ask considering how this Day had Started. Lee squeezed past Dizzy who did nothing to get out of Lee’s way and Plopped Down in the Window Seat.

The Bus motor Groaned and Growled as the Bus pulled away from the Curb and started down the Street. Lee sat for a while Sipping His Beer and Staring out the Bus Window at the Epidemic of Urban Sprawl that was constantly spreading outward devouring everything in its Path. Soon Lee though the Entire Land will be Swallowed by The Sprawl until all would be were Strip Malls, Massive Apartment (or Worse Condo) Complexes, Big Box Stores, Expansive Parking Lots, 6 Lane Roads, Trendy Grocery Stores, and Generic Family Restaurants and the Like. The Quiet Small Towns would be Destroyed by Asphalt Avalanches, Cascades of Concrete, and Saturated with Cement. Buildings Begetting Building Begetting Buildings in an Endless Capitalist Assembly Line from Horizon to Horizon as Far as the Eye can see in All Directions. It was fucking Revolting to Lee who felt seriously sickened by The Non Stop Demands of Humanity that were Laying waste to a Far Simpler and More Pleasant Time. It was Simply Society Recycling Itself.

Lee found looking out the Window was starting to fuck up the Solid Beer Buzz He had going on. Lee screwed the Cap back onto His 40 oz. and desperately began to peer around the Bus gaiting a Lay of the Land as it were. The Bus wasn’t packed but there was a Fare Number of People riding the Bus none the Less. Lee first spotted a Young Generic Looking Business Man sitting a few rows in front of Him on the opposite side of the Bus. The Young Businessman Sat Rigidly the Perfect Picture of Posture which gave of an Anxious Vibe.

The Businessman Looked to be in His Late Twenties to Early Thirties and was wearing a nondescript Slate Gray Suit, White Dress Shirt, Plain Dark Red Tie, and a Decent Pair of Dress Shoes. Everything about the Businessman was Immaculate, His suit was an exact fit without a Wrinkle or stray piece of Lint or Animal Hair on it. His Shoes were in Excellent condition and were so Polished They could have passed for New, But Lee had seen the Soles of the Man’s Shoes which were Worn from a good bit of Walking. The Man Sat with a Brown Leather Looking Brief Case laying across His lap with His Hands Folded politely on Top of it. The Man had Short Black Hair that He had Slicked straight Back using a fare amount Product which mad Him look like a Wall Street Stock Broker from the 1980’s. Lee couldn’t Help but Notice that though the Businessman Sat a still as a fucking statue His eyes were Frantically Dart around the Bus as if We was keeping Tabs on Every Other Passenger, and He was beginning to Sweat Slightly while He sat Utterly Still in Silance.

Lee turned to face Dizzy who was staring to the point of Glaring at Something or Someone while taking long drawls off of His 40 like a Psychopath which was fitting considering they were on the Bus. Lee followed suit, uncapped His Beer, took several Prolonged Sips, and as He went to put the cap back on His Beer He Dropped it by Accident. Lee sat Forward as He went to Retrieve His lost Cap from where it Fell Dizzy grabbed His arm forcefully.

“DO NOT PICK THAT UP. The Cap touched the Bus Floor and there’s NO fucking 5 second anything on a Bus so That Cap is Contaminated as a $2 Crackwhore on Payday,” Snarled Dizzy not taking His Eyes off of whatever He was looking at, “Besides there’s no Antibiotics or anything else that could combat the Toxic Crap found on Bus floors, I mean Really their Pissed on, Puked On, Bled On, Spit On, Jizzed, and Shellacked in Shit for starters. Not to mention all the fucking Filth and Goddamn Grime that People track the fuck on the Bus via Their shitty Shoes. You want to Die, pick up that cap and Use it if Not leave the fucking thing were it lies.”

“Alright I’ll leave it obviously.” replied Lee annoyed at Dizzy’s perceived Over reaction to the Situation. Lee Sat back in His Seat and Signed before deciding to see what if anything the Young Businessman was up too. Lee Looked up just in time to See the Young Businessman slyly slip His right hand under his Briefcase, pull out a Syringe filled with a Very Dark Drown Fluid, Tilt His head to One Side, Vigorously rub His Neck, and Inject the Contents of the Syringe Via His Jugular Vein. Shocked as Shit Lee smacked Dizzy to get His Attention since Lee couldn’t fathom what the fuck He had just witnessed.

STAY TUNED for the Next Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (56/365) COMING SOON!

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober (12:26am)

Another Day at The Cock’n Balls Bar and Pawn: Afternoon

Once the Hubbub from the Morning’s Pickled Toe Incident Owner Bud Wiser went back to lazily wiping down the Bar as His wicked Smokers Cough was getting the Better of Him. Bud Coughed, Wheezed, and Repeatedly Cleared His Throat while muttering about whatever was Annoying Him at the Time. Bud took a moment to Scan the Bar since there wasn’t anyone in the Pawnshop since it was Friday aka PayDay so the Need for People to Pawn their Possessions was greatly Diminished. As Bud Surveyed the Bar the Dust that Hung in the Air Mingling with the Smoke of Countless Cigarettes reminded Him of Sea Monkeys though He had No Idea Why.

Shitty Nickels was sitting in the Corner Strumming a Old Guitar that was Beat to Hell that He had found in the Trash Last Week. Shitty had been joined by His Dear Friends and fellow Musician Sexx Fuckin who was considered by Those in the Know as the Best Slide Guitarist Both Sides of the Mississippi. The Gruesome Twosome were Swapping Stories and Reminiscing about Days Long Gone By over some Seriously Strong Singapore Slings.

Mikey Drongo the Leader of a Near By Chop Shop was still sitting at the Bar sipping Beer and Downing Shots like there was No Tomorrow. Bud figured that Drinking like there was No Tomorrow made Perfect Sense considering Mickey’s Line Of Work. Considering He was in Fact a Criminal (regardless of How Nice a Guy He actually was). And Being a Criminal Meant Mickey could easily be Killed by Rivals or Locked Up in a Tiny Cell for the Rest of His Life. Both were Valid Reasons to Drink in Bud’s Mind.

Harry Twatter the Neighborhood’s Degenerate Gambler had taken off as soon as the Pickled Toe bet was Settled opting to Spend His Day down at the Dog Track. Harry would spend His Day Tossing Cups of Beer, Tearing Up Losing Tickets, and Having His Wallet Emptied as He Dreamed of Getting Rich Quick Schemes into between Races. After a Good 8-9 Hours at the Track Harry would show Up at The Cock’n Balls convinced He had come up with a Winning System based on His Mistakes from that Day.

Harry would inevitably end up Pawning God Knew What to Secure His Gambling Money for the Next Day’s Venture be it at The Track, Backroom Poker Games, or Illegal Casinos. Harry had always been a Truly Tragic Hero who Dreamed of Scoring a Small Fortune (through any means Possible outside of a Legitimate Job) and was Going Broke all the While.

Bawbag Cockwomble had Shuffled Off soon after winning the Pickled Toe Bet and claiming His prize of One Pickled Egg. Bawbag spent His Days Panhandling as He wondered The Streets until Sundown collecting that Night’s Drinking Money. Bawbag called it a Day at Sundown since walking up to a Car looking Filthy and Disheveled in the Dark with Your hand Outstretched was Likely to get You Killed. Bawbag made a pretty fucking Penny Panhandling have No Doubt about since Bawbag knew how to Play the “Spare Change” Game.

Bawbag had found a particularly Busy Intersection that was CONSTANTLY Jammed up with Commuters All Day Long as Opposed to just Rush Hour. Bawbag had learned the subtle art of Looking Pathetically Submissive enough to Get a Donation without looking Desperate. Bawbag knew Desperate People can be Extremely Unpredictable, and that makes Them Intimidating to the General Public which greatly Diminishes Daily Profits.

Pissy Wristy and Her Petty Drug Dealing Boyfriend Jimmy Tosser with the Lofty Ambition of Becoming a Full Blown Pimp had adjured to the Bathroom for a Quickie. Bud Waited a Receptive amount of Time before He went into the Bathroom and Evicted the Copulating Couple back to the Bar. Once The Disheveled Twosome had exited the Bathroom Pissy passed the fuck out from the Previous Nights Drinking, Drugging, and Fucking and Jimmy sat staring at His phone like an Intoxicated Caveman.

Dickey Dullard the Romantic and Animate Junkie had just recently Shot Up a Heavy Dose of Dope, and was attempting to Play Pool. Unfortunately Dickey was so High He just stood at the End of the Pool Table struggling to keep His fucking Eyes Open swaying unsteadily on His Feet. For all intents and Purposes looked Dickey looked so Comatose that Bud half expected Dickey to Suddenly Sink Unconscious to the Floor Collapsing into a Pitiful Heap.

Just Then “Bloody” Sod Bollocks burst through the Front Door with a Great Deal of Force sending the Door slamming against the Ball. Sod had entered this way since the First Time He entered the Bar 8 years ago, and as a Result from the Door Knob colliding violently with the Wall the Knob had Left a Deep Circular Indent at the Point of Impact. Sob strode over to the Bar and Hopped gingerly onto a Bar Stool and snatched up one of the Bowls of Peanuts from its Resting Place. Sod snatched up the Peanuts for the Sole Purpose of Throwing them at Dickey in an attempt to illicit a Response. For His part Dickey remained completely Oblivious to the Legume Assault being Launched at Him.

Sod quickly grew tired of Pelting Dickey with Peanuts and turned around to face the Bar. The Funny thing about Sod was He considered Himself an Intellectual, Yet Sod was also Self Admittedly Uneducated. Sod had dropped out of School after the 8th grade to go Work in a Haggis Manufacturing Plant. He had figured School was shit and Work was shit as Well, BUT at least Work Paid, and that was good enough for Sod. So with that He said So Long to School and Hello to the Blue Collar Factory Workforce. By the Age of 16 Sod had Left the Work Force since He didn’t Appreciate His Boss telling Him What to Do all damn Day.

With Little to No Prospects Sod gravitated to the Illegal World of Bare Knuckle Boxing where He earned the Moniker “Bloody” since thats the Condition His defeated Opponents Left the Ring in. Sod had made His way up through the Ranks and even had been the Reigning Bare Knuckle Boxing Champion for a Short While. Sadly for Sod He was forced to Vacate the Title when He immigrated to the United States to avoid a rather serious Legal Problem. Sod’s Legal Problem was while He was attending a Soccer Match to Cheer on His Team the Manchester United on to Victory. At some point during the Game Sod got Himself into an Altercation with a Drunken Soccer Hooligan. The Incident Ended with Sod Punching the Drunk Hooligan Dead in the Face so fucking Hard it Ironically Killed the Drunk Bastard Who Died where He Fell.

Sod stained at the Graffiti that Patrons had Carved into the Antique Oak Bar over its Many Years in Service. Again it didn’t take but mere moments before Sod became Board and Fidgety as He wasn’t a Very Proficient Reader, and was begging to Wonder why He been in a Bar for 10 minutes and Didn’t have a Beer in His hand as of Yet. Annoyed Sod peered through the Gloom of the Low Lighting until He saw Bud over in the Pawnshop messing around with a stubborn Display Case.

This made Sod Irate as fuck since He never saw the Point in converting Half of a perfect Decent Neighborhood Old Man Bar into a Pawnshop of all fucking things. Gambling Machines Now thats where the fucking Money was at so if Bud wanted to increase His Profits He should invest in a few Video Gambling Machines thats how it should have been Done in Sod’s opinionated Opinion. Everyone fucking Knows No One spends Money quite like a Drunken Gambler mused Sod to himself Las fucking Vegas was Built on that Principle Alone.

Sod waved His hand back and forth perturbed by Bud’s lack of Acknowledgement so He decided He’d call Out to Bud to get His attention. Also being the Dick that He was would use Buddy in place of Bud. Sod knew this Presumably Minor Indiscretion would Piss Bud off in a Big fucking Way because Bud had an extreme aversion to being called Buddy. No one knew why this was such a sensitive issue for Bud and judging by His reaction when it did happen No One was about to Ask.

“HEY BUDDY what the fuck Do I have to do to get a Fucking Beer around Here I’m about Dead of Dehydration for fucks sake!” bellowed Sod boorishly as He was apt to do.

Bud had been bent over a Display case tinkering with the Cantankerous lock due to it Being a Bit Rusted when He Heard Sod from across the Room. Bud snapped to Attention standing rigidly as if He was using every fiber of His being to Restrain Himself from running over and punching Sod in the fucking Throat. Bud’s eyes narrowed to the point One couldn’t tell if they were even Open as the Corners of His mouth sagged in Disapproval and Distain. Bud walked out from behind the display case in a Creepily Slow manner Reenforcing the feeling that He was straining with all His might to keep from going Completely Apeshit all over the place. As Bud walked with Purpose towards Sod He had His Shoulders back, and His Fists Clenched so Tight His Knuckles where turning White.

Stay Tuned for Another Installment of………

Another Day at The Cock’n Balls:Evening

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

An FYB PSA: When Confronted By Cops

It’s No Secret that I have NO Love for the Police Just Endless Seething Contempt and Disgust. Now True I Hate Authority Figures, But I’m also Not an Ignorant Asshole. Thats to Say I have had PLENTY of Interaction with Police over the Years enough to Know that Cops are Crooks with Badges. The Police Abuse Their Power CONSTANTLY to the Point the Police are the Biggest Criminal Organization in America Today.

BOTTOMLINE: If there are such things as So Called “Good Cops” why then Don’t They Stop the Bad Cops? Thats because while these alleged “Good Cops” aren’t corrupt or abuse their Power THEY DON’T REPORT THE BAD ONES. That’s because even these “Good Cops” adhere to the Code of Silence which is UTTERLY FUCKED. The Rule of Silence is You Don’t Narc Out Your Fellow Police Officers NO MATTER WHAT even if They’re more Crooked than the Criminals just because You’re a Cop Too. And these professedly “Good Cops” still abide by the Code of Silence that Allows Corrupt Cops to Run Rampant in the Street. It’s the World’s Biggest DOUBLE STANDARD. How the Hell can You Be a So Called “Good Cop” if You Allow and Enable the Corrupt Cops to Continue Abusing Their Position by keeping Your Mouth Shut?!!!

With that Said Here are 5 Tips on How to Deal with The Police:

You are NOT Under ANY Obligation to Exit Your Vehicle. Doing so Enables The Police to UNLAWFULLY do a Precursory Visual Search of Your Vehicle. To Circumvent this, Keep ALL Your Doors LOCKED, Crack Your Window enough for a Fist to Snugly fit Through the Opening. ASK WHY You were being Stopped, and Hand the Officer the Identification He/She Requested ONCE THEY ANSWER, Then ROLL THE WINDOW BACK UP.

2. If the Officer asks You for Permission to Search Your Vehicle, Ver Politely and Calmly say the Following: “In Accordance with My 4th United States Constitutional Amendment Rights DECLINE YOUR REQUEST until You Provide Me with a SEARCH WARRANT issued by a MAGISTRATE”, then say NOTHING MORE to The Officers NO MATTER what They Say and/or Threaten to Do. Police DO NOT have the right to Open Your Car Door, Some MAY TRY to do this, this is Why You MUST KEEP Your Door Shut and Locked During a Traffic Stop.

3. Contrary to what the Police might TRY to tell You, it is NOT ILLEGAL TO RECORD THEM during the Performance of Their Duties as Long as You maintain a Distance from Them that DOES NOT give Them Justifiable Reason to Claim You Impeaded upon Them Preforming Their SWORN DUTIES. In Criminal Statutes, impeding upon the Sworn Duties of a Law Enforcement Officer is called “Obstruction of Justice”. If You maintain a Distance of 12 to 15 feet from the Officer You are Recording if You are NOT the Person of Interest then They will have NO JUSTIFIABLE REASON to claim Onstruction of Justice, and Arrest You. IF You are the Officer’s Person of Interest, a CLOSER Distance of 4 to 5 Feet is Suitable for Filming.

AGAIN, IT IS NOT ILLEGAL TO RECORD THE POLICE AT ANY TIME. If the Officer says Differently He/She is Straight up LYING which Cops do all the Time because They Know People are Scared and Intimidated by Them and Have No Clue About the Law or Their Actual Legal Rights. The Police Exploit the Public’s Ignorance and Fear to Literally throw the Rule Book out the Window, and Conduct Themselves anyway They fucking Want even if it VIOLATES YOUR RIGHTS.

4. On March 23, 2015 The United States Supreme Court Rules that Law Enforcement can NOT DETAIN DRIVERS While Waiting for a POLICE K-9 Unit. If a Police Officer THREATENS YOU with a K-9 when You Decline His/Her Request to Search You and/or Your Vehicle, You May Politely Remind the Officer of this Ruling. Ask if You are in Fact Under Arrest for Anything then again Politely ASK TO GO since the Officer has NO PROBABLE CAUSE to Detain You any Longer. If the Officer says “No” to Your Request, The Officer has VIOLATED Their OATH to Uphold the Law, BUT Your 4th Constitutional Amendment Right against UNLAWFUL DETENTION as well as CRIMINAL LAW FOR FALSE IMPRISONMENT.

5. Lastly but Not Least REMEMBER TO ALWAYS RECORD ALL INTERACTIONS WITH THE POLICE!!! Video Evidence of Police Misconduct is a Valuable Thing to Insure Bad Cops get fucking Fired. IT IS NOT ILLEGAL TO RECORD THE POLICE!!!

The Old Police Motto of Protect and Serve has Evolved into a Comply or DIE Mentality as Cops begin to forget Their Job is to UPHOLD the Law while in fact THEY ARE NOT THE LAW. Cops have a SERIOUS POWER TRIP Mentality that reduces them to NOTHING but Bullies with Badges. And then the PUSSIES cry like BITCHES when People criticize Them or Flip them the Bird meanwhile They are Robbing, Raping and Murdering at Will. THE COPS ARE CRIMINALS TOO Don’t Be Fooled, Don’t Allow Yourself to be Bullshitted by The Thugs in Blue.

BLUE LIVES MATTER MY ASS.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober