Fiction – Page 2 – f-your blog

The Deviant Detective #5: The Dawn of Another Day

Rock pulled into His Classic 1976 Cadillac into a Parking Spot directly in front of His Favorite Drinking Hole Old McCoy’s Pub. As He Parked Rock couldn’t for the Life of Himself shake Himself free from the Haunting Images He had witnessed just moments ago. The Mental Image of Ivy Savage going to Town on Her then Boy Friend Justin Sane’s Man Meat like a Starving Hobo chowing Down on a Hoagie. The Chunks of Bloody Genital Flesh flying through the Air as Blood Coated the Entire Room as Justin Screamed like a Banshee that had been Kicked in the Balls.

Well Rock thought to Himself as He exited His Caddie the Ivy Case was a complete Financial Loss because Not only did the Job last a Whopping 3 Hours, But His Client Ivy was clearly Mentally Deranged. Lunatics Don’t have any Money to Speak of so Rock’s Pay Day was a Big Bust. Goddamnit Rock that as He was already living in His Office Sleeping on an Old Military Cot He kept folded up in the Closet during Business Hours. Rock had to make some Quick Cash before He Ended up Homeless and living in a Refrigerator Box in some Dank Back Alley.

Rock entered Old McCoy’s which was a Close Knit Blue Collar Neighborhood Bar where Everyone Body Knew Each other and Looked Out for One Another. Their surrounding Neighborhood was More like an Extended Family than a Neighborhood. Rock liked that because it kept out the Frat Boys, Annoyingly Vocal Sports Fans, and Sloppy Drunkards.

Rock sauntered up to the Seat at the Bar that was directly between The Small black and White TV and The Bar Tender so that way He could easily keep an Eye on Both. Today The Old McCoy was being Tended to by Manny McCoy the Great Grandson of the Original Founder and Owner of Mccoy’s His Grandfather Bartholomew K. McCoy. Manny’s Father Mick’s health had been Failing as of Recent had taken a Back Seat as far as the Bar was Concerned. Mick was a well respected and revered Member of the Community who had been Slinging Drinks since he was 16. Unfortunately Mick being the Tragic Hero that He was had been a Big Time Drinker and now His Liver was Paying the Price.

Manny was the Next Generation in the Family’s Bar Business, and was preparing for the Transition from Bar Tender to Bar Owner. Manny was a cheerful young Man in His Mid Twenties with a Long and Lanky Build with a Smile that Could cheer up even a Suicidally Drunk Sailor. Manny had practically grown up in Old McCoy’s as His Parents had brought Him to Work starting when Manny was 2 years Old. Manny tended to Dress like James Dean in Blue Jeans and a plain white t-shirt. Manny’s attire was a direct reflection of His laid back attitude towards Life’s Trial and Tribulations.

“Hey Rock what are You Having?” asked Manny in His usual up beat tone.

“It’s been one of those Day’s Manny just one of those Day’s where Life seems Hell Bent of Kicking You in the Ribs while You’re Down,” replied Rock sounding Beaten Down and Exhausted, “What do You recommend for a Day like This?”

“Hmm Well I think if I had to Match the Drink to the Day, and that Day is Today I’d say O’Vladdy’s Vodka the Finest Irish Vodka in the Entire World I assure You.” answered Manny earnestly not making light of the Question.

“Alright then Let Me get 4 fingers of O’Vladdy straight.” said Rock unenthusiastically as He opened His Vintage 1920’s Cigarette (or Coffin Nails as Rock preferred to refer to them as) case, removed one of the Camel Unfiltered Cigarettes that where lined up like Soldiers at Attention. Rock ran the Cigarette under His nose Inhaling Deeply. Rock thoroughly enjoyed the Sweet Smell of the Tobacco Savoring it before Finally Lighting it. Rock took a long slow drag of His cigarette before Exhaling a billowing Cloud Of Smoke with a prolonged exasperated sigh. Manny brought Rock his Drink leaving the Bottle sitting on the Bar next to Rock’s Cigarette case.

After a while of sitting in Silence drinking and thinking a Tall Lean Man who appeared to be somewhere near 60 entered the Bar. He was extremely well dressed in an expensive designer 3 piece grey pin stripped Suit, a full length dark blue trench coat, and a Grey Fedora giving Him a Very European vibe. The Man’s hair was as White as a Polar Bears Fur, and the deep Lines in His face Didn’t make Him look Old, but Rather Distinguished instead. He stood just inside of the Door motionless for a minute before approaching the Bar. Once the Man reached the Bar He flagged down Manny immediately.

“I’m here to see if a Mr. Rock Hard is currently here in Your Drinking Establishment.” inquired the Man in a Low and controlled tone.

Manny shot Rock a quick glance on the Sly before he answered the Man’s question to see if Rock gave a Nod of Consent which He did. “Yeah He’s Here,” replied Manny gesturing towards Rock, “I’d be careful though He’s not in the Mood to be Trifled with.”

The Man approached Rock walking stiffly and with Purpose utterly oblivious as to the Rest of the Bar. He stood next to Rock without saying a word, pulled out a Bar Stool, and Sat Down looking Stoically Profound. The Man moved the bowl of Peanuts resting on the Bar in front of Him out of His way before placing His elbows on the Bar with His Fingers locked together. It was only then that the Man spoke.

“You are indeed Rock Hard,” questioned the Man in a Auoritative tone of voice,”You’re not an Easy Man to Find, but I assume thats because You want it that way.”

“I don’t have time for bullshit so let’s skip the pleasantries and get to the Point.” gripped Rock without looking at the Man seated beside him.

“Direct and to the Point I can appreciate that,” stated the Man in return, “I have been actively searching for a Unconventional Detective to help Me resolve a particular Problem,” said the Man cryptically not batting an eyelash.

“Alright what the fuck did I just say? Cut the Crap and get on with it already so I can go back to Drinking Myself into a Stupor,” snapped Rock agitatedly as He poured Himself another 4 Fingers of O’Vladdy, “What prey tell is Your problem just tell Me so We can end this conversation quickly.”

“Right so be it. My Name is Otto Van de Berg, and I’m an International Venture Capitalist of Moderate Fame and Vast Fortune,” said the Man as He waved Rock’s cigarette smoke out of His face,”I recently entered into a joint venture with a Man named Cyrus Bogdan who I had know for quite some time. We started the Investment Banking Firm Berg&Bogdan.”

“Doesn’t sound like must of a goddamn problem to Me.” said Rock rudely interrupting the Man as His Impatience was growing in Leaps and Bounds.

“AS I was Saying,” Otto retorted snidely, “Our Business was a Bonified Success and We were expanding the Business at an Incredible Rate. The problem arose when I returned from My Vacation in Malaysia you see. Upon My return I was informed Cyrus in fact Bankrupted the Company in a Fly By Night scenario. He emptied all 5 of the Firm’s Bank Account to the Tune of $76 Million, Drained the Employee Retirement Fund stealing $7.6 Million, and had proceeded to Robbed Our Top Their Clients for $176 Million. Thats aGrand Total of $259.6 Million which as I said Utterly Bankrupted the Firm not to mention landing Me in a great deal of Legal Trouble due to Cyrus’s Indiscretions.”

“I’m not going to Pull Your leg here Otto Old Boy a Man with $260 million in His Pocket has virtually No Chance in Ever being Found more or less be held accountable for Their Crimes,” said Rock in all sincerity not wanting to waste anymore of His Drinking time “So the Bottom line here is this Otto what the fuck do You want? You want Me to tracked this scumbag Cyrus down and bring Him back for Legal Prosecution because it sounds like He can Afford the Sleaziest Criminal Defense Attorneys there are. Also if your trying to Recoup Your cash good fucking luck as it’s more than likely already been spent, and a Convict making $.76 cents a Day making License Plates is paying Anyone Back worth a Damn. So I ask You Otto what the fuck do You Need Me For?!”

“In a Word,” said Otto in a Malevolent Whisper, “Revenge.”

Stay Tuned for the Next Installment of The Deviant Detective #6: The Plot Thickens COMING SOON.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (52/365)

“Relax it’s a Cliche Cop Tactic. While He runs Our names for outstanding Warrants and the Like He is also watching Us intently.” said Lee breaking His self imposed Silence.

“Why is He watching Us He already pulled Us over. What need would there be for Him to watch Us?” asked the Driver Nervously His voice wavering slightly with Anxiety and a little Angst.

“He’s watching Us and Intentionally taking His Time. He’s doing it to make Us Tense, I mean that’s the Point. If We get Nervous because say We have Something to Hide or Especially if We’re Guilty of Something We would undoubtedly Crack under the Pressure. And When We cracked We’d fuck up Some How You know like Give Something Away. We could Panic and make a Run for it, We could Nervously glance over at the Car or Something Similar. That’s the Guilty Mentality Our beloved Cop Friend is Currently Searching for.” chimed in Dizzy His Voice Flat and Monotone having been greatly Sobered by the Run in with the Law.

The Trio returned to quietly Sitting on the Curb as They waited for the Cop to Return with His Verdict on If/ Who could possible be in Legal Trouble as a Result of the Situation. As Lee sat He couldn’t help thinking to Himself this, THIS was the Part of being Pulled Over He Hated the Most of All. The Public Shaming that Occurs when You’re Pulled Over is what Lee found to be Utterly Embarrassing. Sitting in Your Car or Worse in this Case on the fucking Curb as an Onslaught of Other People as They Drive by Rubber Necking like the Motherfuckers They Are.

The fucking Hypocrisy of it struck a Nerve in Lee like a 12 Pound Sledge Hammer. All These People Driving by with look of Condemnation or Vague Disgust as if They had never been Pulled Over before at some fucking Point in Their Lives. How quickly They forgot the Humiliation of being Treated like a fucking Idiot by a Callous Uncaring Cop aside from the Parade of Pretentious Pricks Driving by Leering Away. People are Shit Lee summized once Again when The Cop Finally came Striding back Over walking Heavily so His Boots made a Deep, but Audible Thumping sound as He Clomped Across the Asphalt like an asshole.

“Alright Listen Up as I’m saying this Once and Once Only. Benny (which was the Driver’s Name if Dizzy or Lee had actually asked Him) if there is a Victim in this Scenario then it’s You. Obviously theses to Gentlemen are Obviously Intoxicated, and They’re Bigger than You so They just Bullied You into this Idiocy to begin with. My Point is I have No doubt You didn’t participate willingly.”said the Cop matter of Factly without Blinking an Eye.

The Cop then Dismissed Benny who got in His Car and drove off as Fast as He dared. The Cop then told Dizzy and Lee They could Stand if They wished. Lee was instantly Irritated by the Cop’s Statement. What the fuck was the Point OF COURSE They rather Stand like Men then be Assigned to Sit on the Curb like a Misbehaving Kid.

“As for You Two I’m going to Let You Off with a Stern Warning. I really don’t have the Time to Attend to Juvenile Bullshit when there is REAL Crimes being Committed. So I suggest You do One of Two things Gentlemen You either Go Home and Sleep it Off, Or if You insist on Going Out there is a Bus Stop right around the Corner. And let ME make this ABUNDANTLY CLEAR if I have to Deal with You Two Again I will Arrest You I Guarantee You That.” said The Cop in a seriously Authoritative Tone as He stared at Dizzy and Lee unflinchingly.

Stay Tuned For The Next Volatile Installment Of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (53/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober.

FYB Presents a Thanksgiving Movie Terror: THANKSKILLING!

FYB is Ecstatic to Present The Black Comedy Horror Film “THANKSKILLING” Written and Directed by Jordan Downey, and Co-written by Brad Schulz, Tony Wilson, Grant Yaffee, and Kevin Stewart.

Plot Summery: Centuries after the Original Thanksgiving in 1621 Five Collage Students Kristen The Good Girl, Johnny The Jock, Ali the Ditz, Redneck Billy, and Nerdy Darren head Home to Spend Thanksgiving with Their Families. Unfortunately for the Students Their Car Overheats stranding Them for the Night so They decide to Camp Out till Morning. While Sitting Around the Camp Fire Darren tells the Historic Folktale of Feathercloud, A Native American SHAMAN who was Dishonored by HEDONISTIC PILGRIM Chuck Langton, One of Billy’s Ancestors. The Enraged Featherclaoud used NECROMANCY to Create TURKIE, Who is said to appear Very Five Hundred and Five Years to SLAUGHTER ALL CAUCASIANS He Encounters.

Meanwhile Oscar the Hermit’s Dog desecrates a Miniature Totem Pole by Urinating on it, and prematurely Releasing Turkie who He also Urinates On. An ENRAGED Turkie KILLS THE DOG which prompting Ocar to Seek REVENGE on Turkie No Matter What. By Nightfall The Students reach Their perspective Homes Johnny tries to reconnect with His Estranged Father when Turkey Attacks KILLING JOHNNY’S PARENTS, But luckily Johnny manages to Escape the SLAUGHTER. Johnny rejoins His fiends with the Exception of Ali who is off having Sex with Her Boyfriend Greg when Turkie Shows Up and MURDERS THEM IN COLD BLOOD.

After They find Ali’s Remains, the Students decide to high tale it to Kristen’s House to see if Her Father Has Any Books in His Library That Might Help Defeat Turkie. Unfortunately for Them Turkie beats them There and after Share an Awkward Snack before Turkie Slay’s Kristen’s Dad mistakes Him for a Duck. In the Library Darren finds a Book about Turkie , and it says He CAN BE KILLED if His Magic Talisman is Removed, Yet the Rest of the passage is Written in Code. The Students try in vane to Snatch Turkie’s Talisman from Him only to Have Turkie Escape into the Night.

Darren cracks the Code of The Book Discovering that Turkie must be BURNED AT THE STAKE after a DEMONIC PRAYER is said BACKWARDS! Billy is possessed By Turkie who enters Billy’s Body only to SHOOT HIS WAY OUT. Billy dies in Darrens Arms remembering all the Good Times They had. Then Darren, Kristen, and Johnny track Turkie back to His Tipi and Say Prayer, But as They Prepare to BURN TURKIE ALIVE Turkie comes bursting Out, and is Promptly SHOT IN THE HEAD by Oscar. Oscar leaves, and the Others go to Kristen’s House UNAWARE that the Dumpster Turkies Body is in contains RADIOACTIVE WASTE which REANIMATES TURKIE!

Believing that Turkie is DEAD, the Surviving Teens return to Kristen’s House. When Darren ventures into the Kitchen for a Bite to Eat He runs into Turkie who RIPS Darren’s TOUNGE AND HEART OUT, and STABS Johnny with an ELECTRIC KNIFE. A Paniced Kristen Slaps Turkie before running into a House like Shack. Turkie chases Them but Kristen sets Turkie ON FIRE with an AEROSOL FLAMETHROWER, and Oscar Congratulates Her as She EATS TURKIE’S LEGS. At The End , During a Family Thanksgiving Dinner, the Cooked Turkey Springs to Life, and in Turkie’s Voice Yells, “DO I SMELL SEQUEL, BIOTCH?!!!”

To Our Readers Have A Happy and Safe Thanksgiving.

Hope You Enjoyed This Turkey Filled Thanksgiving Terror THANKSKILLING as Much as We Did.

Thanks for Watching/Viewing,

Presented By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (51/365)

The Smart Car began creeping down the Road at a Snails pace as the Driver was Teetering on the Edge of a Full Blown Panic Attack. The Driver’s Anxiety had shot up Astronomically having now Fully Realized the Consequences of the Situation He had gotten Himself Into. There was a Intoxicated Lunatic hanging onto the Back of His Car by the Rear Windshield Wiper which was both Dangerous and Illegal. Then again what could He possibly do about it in all reality? He had tried to Argue the Logic and Legalities as much as He could have, But Dizzy was Bigger, Intoxicated, and On the Verge of Becoming Who Knows How Violent?! It didn’t make sense to Run the Risk of getting Murdered by Dizzy on the Grimy Sidewalk Considering a Possible Run in with The Police whoHe was pretty Certain, unlike Dizzy, wouldn’t Kill Him. And in that Split instant is When the Driver Instinctually Decided Risking Arrest Triumphed Over Risking Death.

“My fucking Great Grandmother’s piece of shit Hover Round Motorized Chair goes faster than this Glorified Golf Cart, and I’d like to get where I’m going BEFORE I’m fucking Dead.” exclaimed Dizzy.

“Safety First.” responded the Driver trying hard as hell to sound confident while Praying Silently to Himself that His comment didn’t unlock another Level of Lunacy in Dizzy.

“We just got Lapped by DANCING DAVE which is fucking PHENOMENAL considering Dancing Dave DOESN’T MOVE! He’s STATIONARY AS SHIT! HE’S A STATUE OF LIVING FLESH for Christ’s Sake, and God ONLY knows How He just fucking Passed Us. So THAT’S a fucking Thing Now.” continued Dizzy Thoroughly Undeterred and Continuing His One Man Riot from the Rear of the Vehicle.

“You damn all know He’s Not going to Stop so You may as well at least go as Fast as You can Stand to right fucking Now and take it from there.” said Lee Knowingly.

“Look I don’t care if He kills Himself doing this ridiculous Juvenile bullshit, BUT I don’t want to fuck My Life up by going to Jail if He Does Die because I let Him do it.” stammered the Driver Uneasily as He could actually feel Himself slowly coming Undone as His Sanity Slipped further Away from Him.

The Smart Car arrived unceremoniously at the End of the Street where the Driver came to a gruelingly Cautious, and Complete Stop before turning Right onto a Main Street. The Driver’s Blinker hadn’t even have the time to Click Itself Off at the Completion of the Turn before the Blaring Police Lights filled the Driver’s Rear View Mirrors like the World’s Shittiest Circus You ever Saw in Your Life. The Driver breathed a Sigh of Relief because though He may be in some Legal Trouble He would soon be Free of the Madman that had Personally taken a Huge Stinking Shit on HIs Afternoon, and His basically Useless Side Kick Friend.

The Driver complied with the Police Officer and Immediately pulled over to the side of the road, pt the Car in Park, and turned off the Engine. He then proceeded to get His Documents in Order diligently collecting His License, Registration, and Proof of Insurance Ready and a Waiting for the Inevitable Police Officer’s Initial request. Thats when supposedly the Police Officer opted to Use the PA System in His Patrol Car as He barked out Orders. First He ordered Dizzy to Left go of the Wiper, get off the Skateboard, and take a Seat on the Curb. Once Dizzy was Seated the Officer Instructed The Driver to Slowly Exit the Vehicle with His Hands where He could See them. Once the Driver was out He too was Ordered to Sit on the Curb as well. Finally The Officer commanded Lee to do the same as the Driver had done. Now with all three sitting on the curb like a Group of Dejected Gargoyles the Officer finally got out of the Patrol Car.

The Officer stood stoically by His Cruiser pausing for full fucking Effect before taking His time walking over to the Guys Sitting Silently on the Curb. Once He was in front of The Driver, Dizzy, and Lee He took a few Moments to Pace Deliberately back and Forth trying to convey Authority, and Keep everyone on Edge.

“So Gentlemen Which One of You would like to Fill ME in on what Exactly is Going on Here?!” asked the Officer in a Low and Steady tone of Voice Devoid of any Emotion Whatsoever.

“Well I can.” said The Ride Driver volunteering Himself.

“No He can’t the Guy in spite of looking like a Reject from the Cats of The Big Bang Theory He’s an Absolute Idiot, The Guy doesn’t know how to Live Life Apparently.” quipped Dizzy Sarcastically while Leering Creepily at the Driver.

“Alright Enough Drama You Queens, Everyone lets see some Identification.” instructed the Officer Robotically having asked this Question countless times before that it had become Second Nature.

The Officer collected the Identifications and then Lazily flipped through them like they were Baseball Cards and He was assessing the Personal Statistics of Each of Them. The Officer then asked for the Driver’s Proof of Insurance and Registration before returning to His Patrol Car. Dizzy shifted His weight from one ass check to the Other as His ass started to go Numb from sitting on the Cement Curb. Lee tried to remain as Still as fucking Human possible for the Fear of doing Something that freaked the Officer Out resulting in Lee getting Mistakenly Shot and Killed on the Spot. The Driver sat hunched Over staring at His feet looking as Sad and Pathetic as Eeyore from Winnie-The-Pooh Children’s Books.

“What is He Doing He’s been sitting in His Patrol Car for over 11 minutes Almost already.” wondered the Driver Out Loud since He had never been pulled over before, and wasn’t sure what the fuck to Expect.

“He’s trying to figure out if He wants to Fill out the shit ton of Paperwork in the Case He does take Us into Custody Versus Simply Killing us and Disposing of Our Bodies at Some random Rural Dump Site in the Middle of No Man’s Land America.” Speculated Dizzy Snidely Deliberately trying to Agitate the Already Distraught Driver.

Stay Tuned for the Next Absurdity Based Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (52/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher ( 50/365)

“Well I do’t know about You, but I haven’t Eaten shit all goddamn day so I’d kill someone for a fucking Burger about now.” said Lee hoping the mention of Food would keep Dizzy’s Eyes on the Prize as it were.

Dizzy Who looked poised to Pounce on the Poor Misguided Ride Driver, and Gauge out the Driver’s Eye’s with His fucking thumbs. Then Dizzy sudden snapped back to Reality and darted into the Hotel Lobby like a Jack Rabbit with Its ass on Fire. Not a moment later Lee and the Driver who were left standing outside on the Sidewalk like a Bunch of assholes heard a commotion. It was loud enough for both of Them to hear, but it was still too distorted to make out what was being said. Whatever the Altercation was going on inside it was getting desernably Louder to the point Lee was beginning to wonder if He should see what was going on out of growing Concern.

Luckily before Lee had to take any sort of Action Dizzy reemerged carrying a Generic Toy Store Skateboard under His Arm and looking a bit Sweaty. Dizzy walked past Lee without saying a single word as He made His way to the back of the Smart Car. Once Dizzy reached the rear of the Car He stood there Transfixed in a Steely Stare glaring At the Rear Bumper. Dizzy appeared to be stuck in-between Deep Though and Overwhelming Anger as His face twisted and contorted while He was thinking silently to Himself.

“What are You doing Sir.” asked the Driver with a snide smile stretched across His face like Someone Who had One too Many fucking Facelifts.

“The fucking Bumper. I’m looking at the bumper OBVIOUSLY. The problem is this Outlandish excuse for a Car has a MINUSCULE fucking Bumper which I guess should be No fucking Surprise considering its Size is the Issue.” snarled Dizzy spitefully not even bothering to glance in the Driver’s Direct.

“What is the Skateboard for Exactly?” ask the Driver like a Cat playing with a Mouse before it Kills it.

“I was planning on fucking Riding the fucking thing while I hung on to the Bumper which apparently doesn’t fucking Exist.” replied Dizzy still half lost in Thought.

“I have to Inform You Both that Ride has a Strict No Bullshit Policy, and riding behind the Car on a Skateboard falls smack dab in the Middle of said Policy. That means I simply can not allow You or any Customer to engage in Illegal and Potentially Harmful or Fatal Activities that put Them, The Company, and Others in Harms Way.” chirped The Driver Triumphantly Grinning Ear to Ear as if He had somehow achieved a Checkmate situation.

“Well The Car is Far Beyond Insufficient it’s Thoroughly FUCKED! The Bumper is Fucked, This Situation is DEFINITELY fucked, and Most of All YOUR a Totally Fucked Human Being!!! So I’m declaring a Citizens Enactment of The Transportation Department Marshal Law Act motherfucker! This Empowers Me to set up Unconventional Answers to Unorthodox Issues, and with that said I’ll just hang the hell onto this Piece of Electric Uselessness’s rear Windshield Wiper. That’ll have to Work.” announced Dizzy defiantly with a Renewed Sense of Vigor.

“Absolutely Not didn’t You hear what I just Said regarding Company Policy?!!” demanded the Driver as He twitched with annoyance like a freshly crushed Insect.

“Yes I’m Not DEAF YOU ASSFACED DONKEY!! I have No Choice in the Matter and Neither DO YOU Dipshit. It is what it is so fuck it. Now let’s get fucking Going already We’ve wasted 45 fucking minutes of My Life already You belligerent Asshole.” answered Dizzy standing Toe to Toe Eye and Eye to Eye with the Driver though the Driver was significantly Smaller when it came to Physical Stature so Dizzy had a sort of Loomed over Him.

“Fine! Fine! You win I can’t stand here idly arguing with You any longer so let’s Go.” quipped the Driver exacerbated to the Umpteenth degree, and well aware that He would Most Definitely Lose in an any sort of Fight Scenario.

The Driver and Lee loaded Up into the Extremely cramped Confines of the Smart Car while Dizzy stood Stubbornly on the Cheap Children’s Skateboard grabbing onto the Rear Windshield Wiper like He was attempting to Strangle it to Death. Lee paused for a split second to thats fucking God that HE wasn’t Claustrophobic because He was pretty sure if He did He’d be back behind the Car with Dizzy for Crying Out Loud. The Car started with a Low and rather Pleasant Low Hum and They were Off.

Stay Tuned for the Next Invigorating Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (51/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

FYB’s Friday Night Freakfest Film – The Good, The Bad, and the Subhumanoid: Class Of Nuke’Em High 3

Welcome to FYB’s Friday Night Freakfest Film Featuring Legendary Independent Film Company TROMA PICTURES with…….

THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE SUBHUMANOID: CLASS OF NUKE’EM HIGH 3!!!

In this Troma’s Third Installment in the Horror Comedy Classic Class of Nuke’Em High Film Series (which was followed by Return to Nuke’Em High Volume 1 in 2013, and Return to Return to Nuke’Em High Aka Volume 2 in 2017)

Plot Summery: Seconds after the End of Class of Nuke’Em High 2, The Giant Mutant Squirrel or Tromie is Finally Subdued, and Life in Tromaville reruns to Normal. Roger Smith who is Now the Mayor of Tromaville is Celibates the Birth of His Twin Sons Dick and Adlai. That is Until Dick is Kidnapped at the Hospital and Subsequently Raised to be Evil by The Group of Thugs that Took Him. Meanwhile Adlai is Raised by Roger to be Kind, Courteous, and Peaceful.

Flash Forwarding Several Years into the Future, when Dick and Adlai are Fully Grown Adults, Trouble Comes in the Form of The Infamous and Loathsome Dr.Slag, Ph.D Who uses Dick to Commit a Crime and Then Frame Adlai for It. Dr. Slag does so hoping to turn the Citizens of Tromaville against Adlai. If Dr. Slags Evil Plot Works, Dr. Slag will turn the Town into a TOXIC WASTELAND, and with Doom Looming over Tromaville it’s up to Adlai to Save The Day.

Hope You Enjoyed This Troma Classic as Much as We Did (and Still Do)

Presented By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (49/365)

The Driver walked around the Smart Car with Purpose, opened the Door, leaned in, checked the Charge Level for the Battery, and then walked Smugly back over to Dizzy.

“The Car has a Healthy 70% Charge Currently so We should be Fine.” said The Driver being a Passive Aggressive little shit.

“YOU DIDN’T ASK WHERE THE FUCK WE ARE GOING ASSHOLE!” Screamed Dizzy Now Fully Enraged with His Face turning Such a Deep Shade of Crimson. The Veins in His Neck stuck out like the Steel Cables of a Suspension Bridge as Sweat Started to trickle down Dizzy’s Face and into HIs Eyes.

“Sir You told the Dispatcher when You called for the Ride. The Dispatcher then Radioed Me, and Told Me where I could pick You up at, as well as where Your Destination so I could Determine if I wanted to take the Calls o to speak.” said the Guy smirking Triumphantly in full on Gloat Mode.

“FINE! I Digress on the Issue of Battery Life in that Glorified Bumper Car with Wheels You’r sporting there Sport.” respond Dizzy Vindictively fancily wiping the growing amount of sweat out of His eyes.

“I do have a Question though.” Lee said Speaking Up for the First time during the Ongoing War of the Smart Car, but He knew He needed Dizzy to chill the fuck out for Christ’s sake.

If Dizzy didn’t Relax He was bound to fucking have a Massive Embolism, Fall on His face Dead right there on the fucking Sidewalk. Lee didn’t have any real set Plans other than bumming around with Dizzy for Shits and Giggles, Yet He was pretty fucking sure HE didn’t have time to do with a Medical Emergency that Ended Promptly in a Fatality.

“Yes Sir how may I Best Address Your Question?” asked The Driver politely as He had no issue with Lee who again had been standing quietly in the Background. It wasn’t Lee’s fault His buddy was a being Completely Batshit Crazy for No real reason other than He apparently seemed to find issue with every fucking thing He came across. Ok well thought the Driver to Himself it did Say a little Something about Lee which was He had shitty taste in Friends. Still Bad Taste wasn’t a Crime.

“Well We are 3 grown Adults, and Your Smart Car can only accommodate 2 Adults at Best. So wouldn’t that result in You having to Drive each one of US to Our destination One at a fucking Time? That and if You have to Drive Us Separately then that will Tax Your Battery Double fucking Time which would Require You to Stop and Recharge between Trips?!” Lee questioned doing HIs best Not to come off like a Dick. He figured it was Safe to Assume at this point if The Driver had an Issue with Him Too He’d get bent and Bounce leaving the Two of Them Stranded with Their preverbal cocks in Their Hands.

“HOLY SHIT! I was so pissed that You had the absolute lack of common fucking sense since the Dispatcher called You with the Specifics of The Job! They had to have told You that You’d be picking up 2 Passengers right? Two Grown fucking Adults, Not a couple of Circus Midgets or a Pair of Quadruple Amputees?! NO THEY DIDN’T YOU GODDAMN DICK!” said Dizzy getting louder as He spoke apparently on the Verge of Launching The Second War of the Smart Car.

“The Dispatcher did inform Me that there would be 2 passengers that is True, but I figured You two could simply just sit on each others Laps I mean its not that long a Drive. According to My GPS it says the Crystal Diner is 17 minutes way.” respond The Driver cockily as if HE had just solved the World’s Most complex Brain Teaser.

“Sit on Each other’s Lap ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS YOU Snide Little Man Child Fuck, I’m Not paying My hard earned Cash to Ride around sitting on My Friends fucking Lap like a Little fucking Kid!” Snapped Dizzy Harshly nearly Hitting His Breaking Point.

“You could have Your Friend here sit on Your Lap if that Suits You Better Sir.” suggested the Driver jokingly trying to Lighten the Mood as Now He was getting nervous that Dizzy would simply Murder the Shit out of Him, Steal His Cash, and Drive off in His Smart Car regardless of His Loud Mouthed Bullshit Temper Tantrum on the Subject.

“DO YOU WANT TO DIE?! DO YOU? DO YOU WANT TO FUCKING DIE RIGHT HERE OUTSIDE THIS SHITTY OLD HOTEL/APPARTMENT BUILDING?! Obviously I’m not going to fucking Pay You to have My fucking Friend sit on MY LAP IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE Who sitting on Who COME THE FUCK ON!” seethed Dizzy through His teeth which were so Clenched they were beginning to Grind making a very Disturbing Sound like some object that has been pushed to it limit, and it was just a matter of Seconds before it Snapped Splintering into Fragments.

Stay Tuned For The Next Flabbergasting Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHERS

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (48/365)

Lee a bit startled by Dizzy’s sudden outburst looked up from the ground where He had been Looking to avoid stepping on shards of Broken Glass or a Used Syringe. Parked directly in front of Dizzy’s Apartment Building was a Vehicle that was so Small it was a wonder anyone referred to it as a Car in the First fucking Place. Standing next to the Smart Car was a Young man who looked to be in his Early to Mid Twenties wearing a Big Bang T-Shirt featuring the Character Sheldon on it, a Pair of Kaki Cargo Shorts, and a Pair of Pristine White Converse All Star Sneakers. Lee imagined The Driver resembled one of the Many Action Figures languishing in Perfect Condition Imprisoned in Their Original Packing/Box back at His Studio Apartment.

“A fucking Smart Car, Why even fucking bother to Show the fuck Up? Smart Cars aren’t a Car, nor a legitimate Vehicle as THEY ARE A GODDAMN JOKE. There Tiny Hippy Mobiles going all Green with No Carbon Footprint or what the fuck ever.” yelled Dizzy Aggressively as He waved His Arms in the Air like a Chicken trying to Fly, and continuously pointing at the Smart Car during His Tirade.

“Smart Cars are Safe as long as You don’t drive like a total dick, and it gets 60 Miles per Charge, and No fluctuating Gas Prices to deal with.” replied the Driver holding His Ground.

“60 Miles? 60 Motherfucking Miles? I PISS 60 MILES for fucks sake, and was it fully fucking charged before You drove the fuck over here in Your glorified Roller Skate?!” Dizzy demanded to know Seething with Equal Parts Contempt and Disgust.

“Well No Infant I charged it overnight, and I’ve had 2 calls before You today not thats its any of Your Business. I’m just telling You because Your being a Temperamentally Judgmental Tool if You must Know.” The Driver said Unwaveringly Without Batting an Eyelash.

“JESUS so its Not even fully charged, seriously WTF is wrong with You are You just hear to fuck with Me until I have a goddamn Stroke or some shit. How are We going to get anywhere without a Full fucking charge You Negligent asshole?!” growled Dizzy at the Driver giving Him the Classic 1,000 Yard Stare.

“The 2 previous calls like Yours were Rides around the City so it’s Not like I just drove cross country or finish a Nascar Race. We’ll be perfectly Fine I assure You.” said The Driver in Honesty.

“You assure Me, You fucking Assure Me?! FUCK YOU! You have No fucking idea if We will make it to Our Destination before We get stranded when Your Hot Wheels here Runs Out of Battery Charge?! You never asked Us where We were going so How the hell do You claim to know We’re going to be OK? Are You a Part Time Psychic, is that it You’re a Ride Driver by Day, and a Psychic by Night You ignorant Jackass.” asked Dizzy in the Low, Calm, and Steady tone of a Sociopath.

“Where is Your Destination Sir?” replied The Driver in a Sarcasticly Mocking Tone of Voice.

“To The Crystal Dinner over on 76th and 9764th which has to be at least 20 plus miles away You Geek Squad Wannabe.” snarled Dizzy who’s Body Language suggested He was struggling to keep from punching the Driver right in the Face.

“How far can We go then on the Current Charge?” interjected Lee who found the scene Delightfully Entertaining, BUT He didn’t want shit to get Violent. Violence Spoils a Good Time Every time that was Lee’s experience.

“Let Me Check for You Sir.” quipped The Driver Snidely giving Dizzy the Eat Shit and Die look plastered across His Face.

Stay Tuned For The Next Absurdist Installment of………

LEE JONITIS:PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (49/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (47/365)

The Conversation was abruptly interrupted by a Loud and constant Pounding on Dizzy’s Door. In the blink of a fucking Eye Dizzy strode over to the couch, dropped to His knees, reached underneath the Couch and pulled out a Large Meat Cleaver. Then Dizzy with Meat Cleaver at the ready strode over to the Door and threw it Wide Open like a B-Horror Movie Lunatic standing in the Door way brandishing a Meat Cleaver.

Standing in the Narrow dimly lit Hallway was a skinny almost emaciated looking Kid who looked to be around 11 or 12 years of age. The Kid didn’t flinch a single muscle as the Door flung open forcefully smacking into the Wall with a Solid Thug. The Boy didn’t blink at the sight of a Irritable Asshole standing in front of Him glaring angrily at Him holding a Meat Cleaver. Through all the insanity the Boy remained perfectly still, and appeared to be completely unfazed by the whole situation.

“What the hell do You want Kid? Well What?! What do You want?!” Demanded Dizzy now appearing to be Utterly Psychotic.

The Boy took a moment to brush His bangs out of His eyes with His hand before answering Dizzy. Meanwhile Dizzy looked like He was about to suffer a Rage induced Aneurysm waiting impatiently for the Kids reply. Jesus Christ Lee thought to Himself Dizzy is definitely a very Cool Guy but Hanging out with Him was getting a tad Exhausting trying to Keep up with Dizzy’s Manic and ever changing Moods.

Dizzy seemed to Deal solely in Extremes there was No Middle Ground, No Grey Area the World was governed by what He proceeded to be Right and Wrong. While Lee was coming to appreciate Dizzy’s Passionate Persona it left Him feeling increasingly Drained as the Day went on.

“You called for a Car right.” answered the Kid unassumingly while shifting His weight from foot to foot, and not due to feeling Uneasy but more out of Boredom than anything else.

“Oh fuck Me Running!”, Dizzy exclaimed Loudly his Voice echoing down the Hallway like it was a Medieval Crypt Tunnel, “I absolutely fucking forgot We called Ride for a fucking Ride like, shit 30 minutes or so Ago goddamnit it all to Hell!”

“Well We better hurry the fuck up and Decide what the fuck We are doing then.” said Lee trying carefully Not to Exacerbate the Issue anymore than Necessary.

“Ok here We go how about this,” Dizzy pondered out loud, “I told My Buddy Phil I’d do Him a Work Favor so We could head over to The Crystal Dinner for a couple Beers and Burgers. While We there I can do what I need to to help out My Buddy Phil, and then Drinks are on Me until We part Ways at Least?”

“Sure why the hell Not I could Eat.” Lee said since it was the Easiest Path Traveled at that Moment, and Honestly He was hungry as Hell having spent all Morning into the Afternoon Day Drinking like a Lush.

So the Lee and Dizzy grabbed Their gear and ran out of the Apartment not even pausing long enough to close the Door. Lee was going to say something about the open Door, but then He figured if Dizzy didn’t mind Why the fuck should He it was Dizzy shit anyway. The Gruesome Twosome barreled through the tight, dark and rather Dank hallway corridors, and then went sleeping down the Stairs as fast as Their feet would take them.

They Two busted out the Apartment buildings Front Door like They had been shot out of a fucking Cannon onto the Street. Lee stopped for a moment bent over trying to catch His Breath. Fucking Cigarettes Lee thought to Himself as He chest Heaved Up and Down like the Ocean Waves during a fucking Hurricane.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT BULLSHIT A FUCKING SMART CAR!!!” Screamed Dizzy in complete Disbelief and Total Disgust.

Stay Tuned For Next Weeks Insanely Baffling Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (48/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

‘Goodnight Moon’ Read By Oderous Urungus

This Little Gem is the American Classic Bedtime Story ‘Goodnight Moon’ by Margret Wise Brown read by Deceased Gwar Frontman Oderous Urungus.

WARNING: The Following Video Contains LANGUAGE That Some Viewers May Find OFFENSIVE. Enjoy

Thanks for Watching,

Brought to You By Les Sober