Category: Non Fiction

Does Life Imitate Art?!

Harvard And The Real Life Necronomicon

When it comes to the Saying “Art imitates Life and Life imitates Art” there couldn’t be a fucking better fucking Example than The Book Bound in Human Skin and the Prestigious Ivy League Harvard University. This Particular Story at the same time is also a Prime Example that Fact can indeed be Stranger than Fiction.

Now for Those who aren’t Familiar and are Pondering what the fuck The Necronomicon is Exactly allow Me to Explain. The Originator of the Myth of the Necronomicon, also Referred to as The Book Of The Dead, was Fiction Author Howard Phillips Lovecraft (H.P. Lovecraft) who was Known for Writing Surreal Fantasy, Horror, and Science Fiction Stories. The Necronomicon According to Lovecraft is/was a Cursed of Magic Textbook whose Works contain an Account of The Old Ones (Also known as Dark Gods Who are usually Depicted as Insanely Powerful, and Absolutely Indifferent when it comes to Humans), Their History, Forbidden Knowledge of Dark Gods, and the Perverted Incantations used to Summon Them. The Necronomicon First Appeared in Lovecraft’s Short Story The Hound Written in 1922 and Published in 1924 Two Year Later. Lastly as Lovecraft is Concerned Wrote a Short Pseudo History Of The Necronomicon in 1927 which was Published after Lovecraft’s Death in 1938. Lovecraft wrote the necronomicon was Originally called Al Azif  which He defined as “That Nocturnal Sound (made by Insects) Supposed to be the Howling of Demons.”

The Necronomicon made into Mainstream Conscience in the 1981 Horror Comedy Movie called “Evil Dead” by Director Sam Raimi the First in the Trilogy. In the Movie Version the Necronomicon is referred to as The Necronomicon Ex-Mortis which is also referred to as Natural Demonto and Book Of The Dead. The Necronomicon Ex-Mortis in “Evil Dead” is an Ominous Ancient Book of Prophecies, Funerary Incantations (aka Necromancy), and Demonology Resurrection Passages compiled by an Ancient Race of Beings known only as The Dark Ones. The Basic Plot of “Evil Dead” is the Main Character Ash visits an Isolated Cabin along with His Girlfriends and 3 Friends for a Night of Partying. They stumble across an Old Book that’s Written in Human Blood and Bound with Human Skin (the Necronomicon) that when Read Aloud Reawakens an Ancient Evil. Then Ash and Friends fight for Survival as They are Possessed by Malevolent Demons called Deaditees one by one Until Ash is the Lone Survivor after the Night of Terror.

Now that We have covered the Fiction let’s get back to the Facts at hand. The Book in Question is Not the Mythical Necronomicon but it’s Still pretty fucking Weird. The Book is Called Des Destinees de l’ame which Translates to Destinies Of The Soul and was Written by French Author Arsene Houssaye and Published in 1879. The Last known Owner of the Book was a Man named Ludovic Bouland who was a Close Personal Friend of Houssaye who Gifted Bouland Des Destinees de l’ame upon its Completion. It’s Imperative that You Understand that when Houssaye gave the Book to His Friend Bouland it WAS NOT BOUND IN HUMAN SKIN as of Yet. Once Bouland Acquired Des Destinees de l’ame He was the One who decided, and is Personally Responsible for, the Book being REBOUND in Human Skin.

Apparently Bouland truly believed that and I Quote “A Book about the Human Soul desevered to have a Human (Skin) Covering.” which Seems Oddly Appropriate. What I mean is the Victorian Period of American History is Grim, Dark, and Dwelled on Death from the Human Hair of the Deceased to save/preserve in a Piece of Jewelry (example A Locket), Posing and Photographing Loved Ones Corpses, and Having Funeral Wakes Hosted in a Family Member’s Home for Days on End to Name a Few. Bouland Acquired the Skin in Question from a Dead Female Patient at a French Mental Asylum were He was a Student. Once Bouland Up and Died in 1934 and Des Destinees de l’ame was Donated to the Stewardship of Harvard University. The Book was Entered in Harvard’s Literary Collection along side a Note that Detailed the Book’s Origin, AND INSTRUCTIONS FOR HOW T PRESERVE HUMAN SKIN (Talk about Foreshadowing I am Right or What).

As You might Imagine there were People from Day One that had at Least Suspicion that Something was Seriously Off about the Book’s Binding. Unfortunately it took Researches until 2014 to Develop a Diagnostic Test called PEPTIDE MASS FINGERPRINTING that was capable of Distinguish Human Skin from Other Skins used to Bind Books from the Time Period such as Sheepskin for Example. Harvard Released a Press Statement on the Subject of the Book Bound with Human Skin that Stated “Its Good News for Fans of Anthropodermic  Bibliography Bibliomaniacs and Cannibals Alike…”  (Seriously What the Fuck Harvard Cannibals? Really Fucking Modern Day Cannibals that Keep Tabs on Harvard’s Literary Collection? Fucking Right). In 2023 prompted by a Report from 2022 on the Subject of Human Remains in the University’s Possession Harvard conducted an Ethical Review of Items/Materials in its Collection. in Conclusion the 2022 Report found that Harvard had Failed in its Stewardship Responsibilities, and thus in 2024 Harvard Removed the Skin Placing it Temporarily in Storage (Due to Ethical Consideration) while Deciding a Method of Disposal.

Well that is where the Story is at Currently and there a Two things that Stick Out. Did Bouland in fact Steal the Skin of the Dead Female Mental Patient because even in 1879 it seems a bit Late in the Game for Creepy shit in spite of the Victorian Era. I mean how the fuck would or could Bouland have obtained the Skin Legitimately How would He justify it to His Professors or the Mental Asylum Administration?! The Second thing is Why the fuck did Harvard wait a fucking DECADE after learning the Binding WAS Human Skin to Actually Remedy the Situation? So Some Cliches are Cliches for a fucking Reason and that’s because They’re fucking True. Inevitably I’m afraid We will never really Know if Fact is in Fact Stranger than Fiction

It Is What It Is,

By Les Sober

Man Or Beast Both Have Nipples: A Tale Of The Stupidity Of Humanity

There Countless times a Day I wonder How the fuck some People can/are so fucking Stupid that They’re the reason the Saying “Too Stupid to Live” exists in the First fucking Place. This particular Saying Pertains to People so Horribly fucking Stupid it’s Amazing They haven’t inadvertently Done Themselves in by Simple Being so fucking Stupid. This is a Story about One of these Monumentally Moronic People and Sad to Say it’s Not only True, But the Client Depicted in the Story is an  Actual fucking Person.

Allow Me to Set the fucking Stage. I had been working as a Vet Tech (a Vet Tech is to a Veterinarian as a Nurse is to a Human Doctor) for 16 Years before I started working for a Notoriously Unconventional Vet. I should have known what the fuck I was getting into Since My Wife had worked for this Vet Previously. After Several Years along with some a SERIOUSLY Insane Situation (which is a Whole Different Story for another Day) My Wife Ended up Quitting, and taking a Job at a Local Animal Shelter’s Veterinary Clinic. Now being an Unconventional Person Myself I got along quite well with this Veterinarian Who We will call Dr. Rich for all intents and purposes. Basically I don’t want the Guy to find out about this Post and taking Legal Action Against Me. Trust Me Stranger shit has Happened in Life, and He is a Strange Guy.

    

Lastly the Shittiest Part of being a Vet Tech isn’t Dealing with Patients which is rather Complicated from the Get Go. What I mean is Animal Patients obviously Can’t Talk (Parrots Excluded of Course for Vets who Treat Exotic Animals as Most Don’t) so They can’t Explain What Hurst or Where it Hurts or Any Symptoms Period. In All Honesty the Worst fucking Part of Working in a Veterinary Clinic/Hospital like I said isn’t the 4 Legged Patients it’s Their 2 Legged Owners. In General Not only are Owners various Levels of Problematic They can also be Outright Assholes. Here is a Quick Example for You. A Man came in and Signed Off on His Dog’s Neutering as well as all the Bells and Whistles.

It’s Important to Point Out that Dr. Rich being Unconventional didn’t Require such things as Pre Surgical X-rays for Dentals for Example though He stated His Opinion that it could never Hurt to do Pre Surgical Shit such as Pre Surgical Bloodwork. After that He left it up to the Owner’s Digression Especially since Money is a Major Factor as is Anything fucking Medical. Now when the Time came for this Dumb Son of a Bitch to Pick Up His Dog and Pay His Bill He proceeded to have a Full Blown Shit Fit about it. The thing is the Client had NO REASON to Complain because the Dumbfuck never ASKED how Much it would Cost before He went ahead and Authorized  Everything. On Top of the Shithead arguing Over His goddamn Bill Dr. Rick worked in a VERY Wealthy Area which made things Even More Aggravating as fuck.

You see 90% of the Clients were Empty Headed, Day Drinking, Plastic Surgery Enhanced, Botox Junkie Trophy Wives Devoid of Intelligence and Personality alike.  I’m not fucking Joking when I say there was a Neighborhood where if You bought a House for $750,000 Your Neighbors would think/say shit like “Poor You, You can only afford to buy a House for $750,000.” behind Your back. That and I’ll NEVER forget this Bratty Wealth Flaunting for Clout Stupid Bitch Who came in to Pick Up Flea and Tick shit for Her Dog. After Paying She lingered around like a fucking Stank Ass Fart so She could Talk about How Rich She Was (which is a fucking Joke since Eery last goddamn Dollar She Spent wasn’t Earned by Her but Her Husband again These are Trophy Wives or Eye Candy for Cash). Anyway She’s Bitching that Her Husband wanted the Credit Card Company American Express to give Her one of Their Elitest of the Elite Black AmEx. If You Don’t know about the Mysterious AmEx Black Card You’re Not the Only one by Far. Simply put You can’t Apply for One AmEx has to give You One since to get One You have to Spend a MINIMUM of $250,000 a Year using it.

Lastly on the Subject of Exceptional Assholes was a Woman who was buying Dog Food who was standing behind another woman who was paying Her Bill. The Entire Time the Woman in front is Paying the Lady standing behind Her started gawking at the Woman’s Obscene Wedding Ring sporting a Grotesque Diamond. Long Story short the Two Women started a Heated Clout Debate over Who’s Ring was Better and what Their Rings were Worth. This was an utterly Pointless Situation started by One Rich Asshole just to Talk shit to Another Rich Asshole. Finally it’s worth Noting that the Sickeningly Extravagant Diamonds in those (and Other) Rings are Worth so Much that Rich Assholes have Them removed and Store Them in a Bank Safety Deposit Box. The Actual Real Diamonds are Replaced with Usually High End Crystal.

I think its Safe to Say that We all Know Wealthy People are Monumental Motherfuckers.They think because They have Money Everyone Else should give Them whatever the fuck They Want Whenever They want it. Money may be the Root of All Evil, but it Also the Great Stupefier of Humanity since as Soon as Someone gets Rich Their IQ’s Lower and They increasingly Act like Total Entitled Asshole that We have All come to Hate. These are the Kind of Assholes that Recoil at the word “No” because They’re so used to People kissing Their Asses enabling Them to act like They have No Idea that No is an Actual Word. Lastly I’ll add that when it comes to Difficult Clients the Veterinary Clinics/Hospitals have a Code  for them which is PIA. PIA is Reserved for Habitual Crappy Clients, and Stands for “Pain In The Ass” so if You happen to see this written on the inside of Your Pet’s File best to Reevaluate Your fucking Life.

     

On this Particular Day one of Our PIA Clients called Frantic about Her Dog. She wasn’t an Outright Asshole She was just so God Awful Stupid that it made Dealing with Her feel like Pulling fucking Teeth. I will simply Refer to Her as Moronic Mary for the Rest of this Post. I asked Her what the Problem with Her Dog was and She said the Following. “I was watching Talkshows while I was Petting My Dog. I rubbed His Belly and I felt a Bunch of Little Lumps, and I Don’t Know if Their Insect Bites or Tumors Do You think My Dog has Cancer?” At this Point I had to Remind Her that I wasn’t the Actual Vet and even if I was I can’t Diagnosis Her Dog over the fucking Phone. This only served to get Her more fucking manic then She already was. I informed Her that luckily We had a Cancelation for an Afternoon Appointment and I would gladly Pencil Her In. She then damn well Demanded to have Her Dog seen IMMEDIATELY! She Fully Expected Us to Drop whatever We were Doing, and Clear the Vet’s Schedule for the Day to Dedicate 100% of Everyone’s Attention on Her Dog and Her Dog Alone. Moronic Mary Tried Again and Again Futilely to Force Me Somehow giving Her what She wanted. It was just Another Rich Asshole Preaching from the The Billionaire’s Big Book of Bullshit.

Well Finally the Time came for Moronic Mary’s Afternoon Appointment which She was around 20-25 minutes late for. Now I’m going to take a Moment to Vent here so Hold On. You see I don’t fucking Understand how a Pet Owner can be SO Concerned about Their Pet that They Demand to be Seen IMMEDIATELY (in a Non Emergency Situations), and After the Nonsensical Drama They then Show the fuck Up Late. You just want to get in Their fucking Face and and Scream “SERIOUSLY YOU ASSHOLE I THOUGHT YOU WERE SO FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT YOUR PET EARLIER THAT YOU PITCHED A FULL ON FIT, AND NOW YOU STROLE IN HERE LATE LIKE IT’S NO BIG DEAL? FUCK YOU BUDDY.” Talk about being a Self Centered Self Serving Piece of Shit with Absolutely No regard for Anyone Else but Now I will Digress.

I escorted Moronic Mary and Her Dog into an Exam Room and let the Dr. Rick everything was Set. Dr. Rick entered the Exam room Dressed in in a Ugly Cliche Hawaiian Themed Scrub Top (without a Shirt underneath mind You as is the Practice) Worn Jeans, and clunky old brown Work Boots, and Trade Mark Sunglasses. He came in with a Smirk which was an Indicator He wasn’t looking forward to Dealing with this Particular Client, and 10 to 1 He was going to Talk a Little Shit/Malevolently Fuck with Them  to make it worth His While. Also in All Honestly  it was always Extremely Entertaining when He opted to fuck with Difficult or Dumbass Clients making the Whole Ordeal somewhat Tolerable.

I lifted the Dog which by the Way was a King Charles Spaniel which was one of the More Popular Breeds in the Area. I guess Someone/Something has to Keep the Drunken Trophy Wives Company since the Husbands were Workaholics and 99% of Them sure as Hell didn’t have Kids Either. So I do the Whole Restraining or Preemptive Restraining to be More Exact. The Preemptive Restraining is like a Hug where You Place one Arm Under the Dogs Belly in front of the Back Legs like a Seatbelt. Your Other Arm you put Around the Dogs Neck like a Canine Version of a Headlock, and the Reason for this is if the Dog Acts Out be it due to Pain/Discomfort or Aggression You again Act like a Seat Belt and Tighten Your Grip Accordingly (Just in case Anyone was fucking Wondering). Moronic Mary was all Flustered and was acting as if She was on the fucking Brink of a fucking Panic Attack, or in My Personal Opinion She was Acting like a Tweeked Out Meth Addict. Dr. Rich started His Physical Exam where He ran His hands Over the Dog from Head to Tail feeling For Injuries/Pain/Abnormalities/Joint and Spine Issues etc.

After letting Moronic Mary simmer in Her own Insanity for a minute or two Dr. Rich at last asked Her what the Reason was that She had brought Her Dog in. Well being fucking True to Form Moronic Mary starts to Retell the Story She Told Me Only this Version was Longer, More Detailed, More Dramatic than the Previous Telling. The Entire time Moronic Mary is ranting away like a Possessed Woman Dr. Rich just Stood There Examining the Dog with a Shit Eating Grim plastered across His Face. Once Moronic Mary literally ran out of Breath Dr. Rich informed Her that during His Cursory Exam had Not Felt any Abnormal Lumps. He then Asked Moronic Mary to Please Show Him exactly what the fuck She was Talking About.

We then Proceeded t get the Dog to Lay Down on its Side so Dr. Rich could Checkout these Mysteriously Non Present Lumps when Moronic Mary located Them to Show Him. This is when the STUPID SHIT HIT THE FUCKING FAN. Moronic Mary proceeded to Show Dr. Rich the Unknown Lumps which in Reality were the Dog’s Nipples, BUT That’s Not All! Dr. Rich with a look of Disbelief informs Moronic Mary that the Lumps She was concerned with are in fact just regular old Nipples. What Moronic Mary Said Next I will remember to the fucking Day I Die “But…He’s a Boy Dog???” at which Point Dr. Rich looking a little Unsure of How to Handle Someone so Painfully Ignorant. Lucky for Him Dr. Rich was Quick on His Feet and Calmly and as Politely as Possible all things Considered that Yes Her Boy Dog has Nipples just like Her Husband is a Boy and He Too has Nipples.

So in Summation an Adult Woman felt Lumps on Her Dog’s Belly, Freaked Out, Called The Vet in a Panic, Acts Demanding and Belligerent. She then precedes to Show the fuck Up around 20-25 Minutes Late Only to Diagnosis Her Boy Dog with Nipples. This Dumbfounded the Moronic Client Who for some fucking reason Though Men of the 2 or 4 Legged Didn’t have Nipples since They Don’t Nurse Babies. Then a Highly Educated Veterinarian had o Explain the whole fucking “Men have Nipples Too” impromptu Anatomy Lesson pertaining to Humans and Animals. Now after Reading this when I say the VAST MAJORITY of People Today are fucking Fucktarded Idiots I dare Someone to Argue with Me (Only Partially Joking).

It is What it Is,

  By les Sober

The Art Of Self Mummification

Welcome to Today’s FYB Post pertaining to the illegal Art Of Self Mummification. While the Practice of Mummification (made Famous by the Egyptians) has its Own Page in the Book of Demented History it like so many things gets Even More Extreme. And what could be more Extreme than Mummifying a Person’s Corpse? Well how about Mummifying Yourself while You’re still Alive. That was the Case in back in the Day with Certain Sects of Buddhist Monks in Japan until Emperor Meiji Outlawed the Practice along with any Forms of Suicide (even though those who Practiced Self Mummification did Not consider it Suicide) back in 1879. It’s important to Note that there was a Good Deal of Terminology So Much so that We decided (for Time and Length Purposes) to Comprise a Glossary. The Glossary is Located Below the Text for Your Connivence and Now back to the Interesting Shit. You might be Wondering What was the Practice of Someone Mummifying Themselves while Alive all about? Well let’s find out Shall We.

First off the Term used in for the Process of Self Mummification in Japan was called Sokushinbutsu which Translates to “Buddhas in Their Own Bodies.” Sokushinbutsu is referring to the practice of Buddhist Monks observing Asceticism to the Point of Death, and Preforming mummification upon Themselves while still Alive. Traditionally it was/is Believed that the Mummified Monks had entered a State of Deep Mediation rather than having Died, and that They were/are still able to Grant the Prayers of Their Partitioners. There are Cases of Other Buddhist Mummified Monks in Other Buddhist Countries especially in East Asia, but They were Mummified after Death from Natural Causes. It’s Believed that Shingon School founder Kukai was the One who introduced Sokushinbutsu to Japan as Part of Secret Tantric Practices that He had Learned while in Tang China. In Addition to that the Sokushinbutsu Ascetic Practices of Shengendo were likely Inspired by Kukai, Who was the Founder of Shingon Buddhism. Kukai ended His Life by Slowly Reducing His intake of Food and Water, Ingesting Natural Preservatives (to Aid in the Self Mummification Process), and then Stopping Food and Water intake all together while Continuing to Meditate and Chant Buddhist Mantras.

Ascetic Self Mummification Practices have also been Recorded in China, but are associated with Ch’an (Zen Buddhism) Tradition there. Alternate Ascetic Practices similar to Sokushinbutsu are also known to have Existed such as Public Self-Immolation practice in China. The Final Purpose of Shegendo is for the Practitioners to find Supernatural Power and Save Themselves (as well as the Masses) by Conducting Religious Training while Traveling through Steep Mountain Ranges to Achieve Buddha Nature. In the Mountain Dwelling Region of Japan Shugendo emerged as a Syncretism, and the Practice was Perfected Over Time Particularly in the Three Mountains of Dewa (Mount Haguro, Gassen, and Yudono).

Now We have touched on the History of Self Mummification, but as for Actual Process of Self Mummification We haven’t so Here We Go. The Practice of Self Mummification was Mainly Practiced in Yamagata in Northern Japan between the 11th and 19th Century by the Members of the Japanese Vajrayanc School of Buddhism called Shingon (which Translates to ‘True Word’). In Medieval Japan the Practice was Developed into a Specific Process for Sokushinbutsu which a Monk could Complete from Beginning to End in Approximately 3,000 Days. The Process involved a Strict Specialized Diet called Mokujiki which translates to “Eating a Tree” while Simultaneously Restricting Food. They also Slowly decreased Their Water Intake to Help Dehydrate Their Bodies and Shrink Their Internal Organs. At the End of the Process a Monk Abstained from All Food and Water relying on Pine Needles, Resins (example Tree Sap), as well as Seeds found in the Mountain Regions of Japan in Order to Eliminate All Fat in the Body. In Addition the Monks utilized Fasting and Meditation in order to Expedite the Process.

Once the Monk was Almost Diseased They were put into a Wooden Barrel and Lowered into the Ground before the Barrel was Covered with generous amount of Charcoal. The Monks would take a Small Hand Held Bell that They rang the Bell as the Chanted Buddhist Mantras until They Died. Once the Bell ceased ringing the Monks knew Their fellow Monk had indeed Died. The Body of the Now Diseased Monk was Left for in its Wooden Tomb for 1,000 Days before being Removed. Now here is the fucking Kicker out of the Hundreds of Monks Attempting Self Mummification ONLY 17 Actually Accomplished the Task. Imagine that Shit, Seriously how utterly fucked up is that We mean talk about shitty Odds. So after Enduring the Gruelingly Prolonged 3,000 Days of Continuing Agony Slowly Starving Yourself to the Brink of Death, Effectively then Buried Alive until You Die, and Once it was all Said and Done it fucking Didn’t Work.

By the End of the Process the Monks Died in a State of Jhana (Meditation) while They Chanted the Nenbutsu (a Mantra about Buddha), and Their Bodies would become Naturally Preserved from the Inside Out. The Mummified Monk’s Skin and Teeth remained intact without Decomposing with out the Use of Artificial Preservatives such as Embalming Fluid. It’s Important to Note that Many of the Existing Buddhist Mummies are Wearing Sunglass which does Seem fucking Odd. There is a Valid reason for this and the Reason is Human Eye Balls unlike Teeth/Skin Decay Away thus the Use of Sunglasses to Hide the Empty Hollow Eye Sockets. Many Buddhist Sokushinbutsu Mummies have been found in Northern Japan and are Estimated to be Several Centuries Old. Ancient Texts suggest Hundreds of Mummified Monks are Buried in the Stupas and in the Mountains of Japan (and are Revered by the Practitioners of Buddhism to this Very Day).

One of the Alters in the Honey-ji Temple of Yamagata Prefecture, which is a Prefecture of Japan Located in the Tohoku Region of Honshu, is the Home of one of the Oldest Mummies of the Sokushinbutst Ascetic named Honmyokai. There is at Least one Self Mummified Buddhist Monk  named Sangha Tenzin (who was more then likely a Practitioner of Tibetan Buddhism) from the Northern Himalayan Region of India that was Confirmed to be 550 year Old. Tenzin’s Mummy can be Viewed to this Day at a Temple in Gue Village, Spiti, Himachal Pradesh. As I stated before it is Important to Note the Practitioners of Sokushinbutsu DID NOT consider the Practice as an Act of Suicide, BUT rather as a Form of Enlightenment.

Glossary:

Asceticism: The Practice of Self Discipline and Abstinence from All Forms of Indulgence Typically for Religious Reasons Spiritual Goals.

Dzogpu-Chenpo: The Traditional Teaching in Indo-Tibetian Buddhism and Youngdrung Bon that is Aimed at Discovering/Continuing in the Ultimate.

Ground: is a Primordial State that is an Essential Component of the Both the Dzogpu Tradition and Bon Tradition from the Nyingma School of Tibetan Buddhism.

Syncretisym: Is the Combination of Different Religions, Cultures, Or Schools of Thought) between Vajrayana Buddhism, Shinto, and Taoism in the 7th Century which Stressed Ascetic Practices.

Stupas: A Mound like or Hemispherical Structure that contains Relics and are Used as a Place for Meditation.

Shut Endo: A Body of Ascetic Practices that Originated in the Nara Period in Japan that Evolved during 7th Century (710-794 bc) from a Combination of a Variety of Beliefs, Philosophies, Doctrine, Schools of Thought, Ans Ritual Systems found in Folk Religions.

Folk Religions: Japanese Folklore that encompasses the Informally learned Folk Traditions, Customs, and Material Culture.

Shingon Buddhism: Is One of the Major Schools of Buddhism in Japan, and one of Only a Few Surviving Vajrayana Lineages in East Asian Buddhism.

Shinto: A Religion Originating from Japan that is Classified as an East Asian Religion by Theologians, and regarded as Japan’s Indigenous Religion.

Tao: In Chinese Philosophy is the Absolute Principle Underlying the Universe, Combing within itself the Principals of Yin and Yang and Signifying the Way, or Code of Behavior, that is in Harmony with the Natural Order. The Interpretation of Tao in the Tao-te-Ching developed into a Philosophical Religion known as Taoism.

Taoism: Diverse Tradition Indigenous to China Characterized as Both a Philosophy and a Religion that Emphasizes Living in Harmony with Tao. Tao is generally understood as being the Impersonal Enigmatic Process of Transformation Ultimately Underlying Reality.

Buddha Nature: The Potential for all Sentient Beings to become a Buddha or the Fact that All Beings already have a Pure Buddha Essence Within.

Prefecture: An Administrative Jurisdiction Traditionally Governed by an Appointed Perfect which is a Magisterial Title of Varying Definition, But Essentially refers to the Leader of an Administrative Area.

Three Mountains of Dewa: Are 3 Sacred Mountains of Mount Haguro, Mount  Gassen, and Mount Yudono which are grouped together in the Ancient Province of Dewa. Haguro, Gassen, and Yudono Mountains remain Sacred in the Shugendo Traditional to this Day.

Vajrayana: Is often Translated to simply mean “The Diamond Vehicle”. Both Tibetan Buddhism and the Japanese Shingon Buddhism are Vajrayana Lineages. Tibetan Buddhism is Predominant in Tibet, Nepal, Bhutan, Sikkim, and Mongolia. It was Taught in and Continues to be Taught in China, Usually by Tibetan Masters.

Zen: is a School of Mahayana Buddhism that originated in China during the Tang Dynasty as the Chan School or the Buddha Mind School, and Later on Zen later developed into Various Sub-Schools as well as Branches. From China Chan spread South to Vietnam and became Vietnamese Thein, Northeast to Korea to become Soon Buddhism, and East Japan becoming Japanese Zen.

Self-Immolation: IS the Act of Setting Oneself on Fire and is Mostly done for Political or Religious Reasons, often as a Form of Protest or in Acts of Martyrdom. Due to its Disturbingly Violent Nature Self Immolation is Regarded as One of the Most Extreme Methods of Protest.

 

It is What It Is,

Presented By Les Sober

HOSPITALS ARE A BULLSHIT SCAM.

Today We will be Discussing Hospitals and all that it Entails. First Off We all know what the fuck a Hospital is it’s a Big fucking Building with Operating Rooms, an ER, Diagnostic Equipment out the Ass, and is Full of Doctors as well as Sick and Injured Patients. If You’ve ever had the Displeasure of having to be In or Deal with a Hospital You might remember that Hospitals are Grand Masters any Kissing Their own fucking asses. All We’re saying is Hospital Propaganda make the Nazi bullshit from WWII look like fucking Amateurs. What We are referring to are the TV Ads, Billboards, Print Ads, and the ENDLESS Posters that Line the Walls of the First Floor Your subjected to while there. What pisses Us Off the Most are the goddamn fucking Posters with Smiling Staff, Cheerful Patients, and bullshit Slogans/Claims “We care About Our Patients” or “We Love to Support Our Community” or even “Providing the Best Car in *Fill in the Blank*”. This is Of Course UTTER AND TOTAL FUCKING BULLSHIT.

Hospitals DO NOT give a actual fuck about People They care about Only One fucking thing and it ain’t Healthcare it’s motherfucking MONEY. Hospitals put Profit Over People and if You fucking think that’s Not True try getting Medical Attention after Telling the Hospital that You Don’t have Insurance aka Payment. This seriously fucking pisses Us Off since Doctors take the Hippocratic which is all about Healing the Injured and Curing the Sick We mean real Biblical type shit here. What the fuck it doesn’t say is a goddamn thing about “Only if You get Paid” or “Treat Those Who have Insurance Only.” BUT THAT IS THE FUCKING REALITY nowadays. What People fucking Forget is Hospitals are FOR FUCKING PROFIT COMPANIES just like Amazon or fucking Walmart. To Hospitals All that matters is MAKING MONEY amassing an Obscene Fortune in the at the Expense of the Actual Patient They claim to Love and Provide for.

Speaking of Doctors if You want to Piss Off ANY Doctor is to ask them Why Doctor’s REFUSE to Admit the fucking Obvious Truth, and that is ONE (perhaps the main one) of the Reasons They chose to be Doctors was They Knew it make Them fucking Rich. And wanting a High Paying Job is Totally fine, BUT Bullshitting, Avoiding, and Ignoring the Question/Subject THAT’S the Issue We have. Also Doctor’s WILL readily admit that the Healthcare System, Health Insurance, and Hospital Care is a BROKEN and SEVERLY FLAWED System that Financially Rapes People until They are Broke or Crippled by Medical Bills Then They fucking Abandon Them. Doctor’s are at the fucking Center of the American Pay to Play or in this Case Pay to Live. Doctors and Hospitals KNOW People Don’t want to be sick, in pain, or Die and They fucking Exploit the Situation to Grotesque Degree to get EVERY last flicking Cent from Their Patients. Case and Point Even Lawyers who lets face it are fucking Despised (Until People Need One) for Being Greedy Bastards do Pro Bono Work. Meanwhile Virtually NO Doctors do Pro Bono Work unless They’re Doctors Without Boarders and They Don’t Help Anyone in America They deal with 3rd World Countries.

And How can We be So fucking Sure? Well Allow US to Explain form Personal Experience. Les landed Himself in the Emergency Room in the First Week of January 2018 Literally Knocking on Death’s Door which sent the ER Staff Scrambling like a Motherfucker. Les had to be Admitted to the Hospital for Further Treatment which Included Surgery where He Spent Almost a Week. Now here’s the fucked Up Part Les’s Wife had been Paying for Insurance through Her Employer which is what it is. The fucking Problem was some Incompetent Asshole made a Mistake. Then this Ignorant Asshole instead of FIXING IT and Properly Filing it stuck it in a fucking Desk Drawer and fucking Forgot About it.

Now literally a Day or So before Landing in the Hospital His Wife became Aware of the Mistake and Immediately Addressed it with Her Employer. Since She had Payed into the Insurance Ultimately things would be Corrected and the Insurance would be Retroactive at that Point. This was Explained in fucking Full to EVERY MOTHERFUCKER Les and His Wife Dealt with Explaining the fuck Up, and that They did have Insurance it was just a dumbfuck Clerical Error and was in the Process of being Worked Out. Now on Day 3 of Les’s Hospital Stay 2 Stern and rather Grim looking Women from the fucking Hospital’s Billing Department Showed Up in His fucking Room. They talked to Les’s Wife (Though Les was the Actual Patient and Laying in Bed 4 fucking feet away) and Informed Her that We Owed Them $157,000 Plus So Far.

                             

Les’s Wife AGAIN for the BILLIONTH Time Explained the Situation and that They DID have Insurance and what had Happened. As for the 2 Cold Cunts from Billing was Concerned Didn’t Bat a fucking Eyelash. Instead They wanted to Know if Les and His Wife could put Down a fucking Deposit for $15,000. Also to make things MORE FUCKED the Piece of Shit Parasites from Billing instantly They showed up on FRIDAY AT 4:30. The Point is that left 30 minutes Before the Banks and all that Bullshit Closed and Wouldn’t be back Until Monday. To make a Long Story Short Les has a Really Bad Temper and Absolutely Despises the ENTIRE Medical Field so Simply at that Point Les Completely Lost His Shit. Les Cursed and Berated  the Billing Department Dipshits Mercilessly Pointing Out He was Still a Patient and what fuckwit would ask for Payment before All Services were Rendered. He also called them Out on Their Ridiculously Retarded Time Frame, and then Posed the Question could THEY come the fuck up with $15,000 in 30 Minutes. After being Verbally Assaulted The Pair of Parasitic Pissants finally fucked Off.

Next Let’s Chat about the fucking Insanity of a Hospital Bill. First Off one Reason Hospital Bills are fucking Outrageous starts with the Fact Patients are Charged Between $1,000 to $1,200 a Day JUST FOR THE FUCKING ROOM. That Fee DOESN’T include a fucking thing, No Doctors, Nurses, Diagnostics, Procedures, Surgeries, or Medication it’s Only for Occupying a Room. That would make Hospitals the Most Expensive and Shittiest Hotel Anyone will Ever Stay in. Second Hospitals have what They call a “Master List” which in Reality is a MASSIVE Price List. It has EVERY fucking thing that the Hospital Charges for and How much from Cotton Swabs to fucking Brain Surgery.

                            

The fucked Up thing is Hospitals are fucking NOTORIOUS for doing EVERYTHING in Their Power to make Sure NO ONE SEES THEM. If You ask US that’s just fucking Shady as Shit since Hospitals DO NOT send Itemized Bills so Patients Don’t Actually Know What They are Paying For or even How fucking Much the Things They are Paying for Cost. So Once Your out of the Fucking Hospital You just sit and Wait for the fucking Bill(s) to Start Rolling in. Then when the Hospital Bill comes You have NO fucking Clue if its $20 or $2000 or $20,000 until You actual Open the fucking Thing.

Now for Example Would You go into a Grocery Store and Have The Cashier Ring You Up only to had You c Receipt that Only Says GROCERIES $375? Fuck No You Wouldn’t. Nor would You drop Off Your Car at the fucking Mechanics only to Return to a Bill that Simply States AUTO REPAIR $750? Again fuck No You Wouldn’t. The Issue is that Hospitals damn well know if Patients/Public found Out how Bad Hospitals were Financially fucking Them Over There’d be Hell to Pay. People would Storm Hospitals and fucking full on Riot as the Mob Mentality takes Hold. Yet Another Reason that Corrupt Hospital Cunts don’t want the Public to Know what They Charge Outside of Public Rage Fueled Backlash is Patients could Shop Around instead on being TOTALLY DEPENDENT on Their Local Hospital. Itemized Bills are used to Help Prevent fucking Fraud its so You know what You’re being Charged For and How Much, BUT Hospitals will Never give You a Itemized Bill. Somewhat Good News is if You request/ask for an Itemized Bill They BY FUCKING LAW have to Provide You with One.

The Problem is good fucking Luck EVER receiving Your Itemized Bill NO MATTER How many fucking Times You request it. Les is Still Attempting to get an Itemized Bill for His Hospital Stay 4 fucking Years Later and still Not a fucking Thing. It’s the fucking bullshit Blame Game where Hospitals DON’T send You an Itemized Bill as Requested and when or If You call Back They claim They sent it and it must have “Gotten Lost in the Mail” which Provides Them with a Perfect Scape Goat. Now it gets even More fucked Up as the fucking GOVERNMENT had to Step in to Try and Sort Out this Shit Storm, and They Informed Hospitals that They HAD NO CHOICE and to make Their Price List Public. And Yup You Guessed it the Hospitals did NO such thing instead They selected Random Small shit or Elective Procedures (Example: Nose Job) in a Half Assed Effort to Conform with the Government and Still Not disclose Jack Shit about Their Prices/Charges.

Down the fucking Line the Government Circled back and found that Hospitals were Non Compliant and had Essential Ignored Them. So the Government ramped Up and Stated that Hospitals HAD TO DIVULGE EVERY FUCKING COST OR ELSE. As to the Time We Post this We aren’t aware of ANY fucking Hospital in the Entire Country that has Actually Complied, and the Scumfucks in Washington haven’t Done shit or Tried Once again to Force the Issue. So Once again the People/Patients Continue to get Financially Fucked Over again and again.

One Final Note before We fuck Off Once Again into the Abyss as it were. All Hospitals are Graded like Restaurants by the Joint Commission of Hospitals  based on Their Performance, and on an Alphabetical Scale ranging from A being the Best to F being well You Know. Anyway when We Relocated Our Home Office We Spent the First Couple Weeks getting to Know People in the Community and Shit. Now when You’re the New Kid on the Block People give You Advice and Local Tips and in this Case People Informed Us of the Closest Hospital (of 3 in the Area) that We will call Fuckardia Hospital to Avoid Any Possible Relation from Said Hospital. We were told Over and Over that and We Quote “Don’t go to Fucktardia Hospital Unless You want to Die.”, and a Few Months Later We learned Fucktardia is Referred to by Locals in the Know as “The Murder Hospital’. The fact of the Matter is Seriously Sick or Injured Patients wouldn’t Call the Ambulance since They HAVE to take You to the Closest Hospital. What They would do is DRIVE across County Lines before Dialing 911 so the Ambulance would then have to take Them to one of the other Two Hospitals in the Area. This was SO common place that a Guy started a Side Hustle where He drives You across County Lines, Calls 911 on Your Behalf, and Waits with You until the Ambulance Arrives.

Now One could Argue that Public Opinion No Matter Good or Bad is indeed Not Fact thus How could We be sure that Fucktardia was a Shitty Hospital? Les’s Wife is a Psych Nurse (RN) with over 12 Years of Experience in the Medical Field who was the One that Informed Us of the Hospital Rating System. It was Also Les’S Wife Who informed Us that Fucktardia Hospital had at the Time just Received an F. Unlike in the World of Restaurants where an F gets You shut the fuck Down and Out of fucking Business Hospitals are allowed to Continue to Operate (no Pun intended) even with a FUCKING F RATING. So Restaurants that get an F get at Least Temporarily Shut Down until Shit gets Fixed or Their fucked and put out of Business for Good. This is because the Health Department Doesn’t even want the Possibility of Someone getting Sick, BUT A FUCKING HOSPITAL who’s ONLY fucking Job is Helping to Sickest and Most Severely Injured People can Keep on Keeping On. Don’t take Our word for it GOOGLE IT and find out For Yourself We ain’t Lying or Exaggerating.

Moral of the Story Hospitals even the Best of the Best are in it to make Money Preying on the Sick/Injured and Vulnerable Patients. It’s fucking Vile and Those Involved Should BE Fired, Incarcerated, and FUCKING EXECUTED for Crimes against Humanity as far as We are fucking Concerned.

It is What it Is,

   By Les Sober  

A Road Trip Tip So You Don’t Get Screwed Over

A While Back My Wife and I had to go on a Road Trip to of all fucking Places fucking Florida. My Wife’s Family Predominately Live in Florida so We head Down there about 4 times a Year to Visit Them. Now to be fucking Clear I actually do Like My In-Laws, BUT for the Record FUCK FLORIDA. I fucking Can’t Stand Florida which was a Glorified Swamp filled with Moronic and Insane Assholes running around like the fucking Wild West. Over the Last 5-6 Years Florida went From a Shitty Swamp to an ABSOLUTE AND UNADULTERATED FUCKING SHITHOLE Populated by Scum of the Lowest fucking Order. And No I don’t give a Flying Fuck about Disney or fucking Universal or The Kennedy Space Museum since I’m Not a fucking Little Kid so Don’t Bother Mentioning Any of Them.

We always Leave on a Friday so My Wife Doesn’t get fucked out of P.T.O Hours (Paid Time Off) and We Usually We Drop Our Dog’s off at A Friend’s House in the Late Morning, Drive Home, Pack the Truck, and Hit the Road. This Particular Trip though all fucking Hell was Breaking Loose at My Wife’s Job so We had to Switch Up Our regular Routine. We Dropped the Dogs Off first fucking thing in the Morning and Them We headed Home so My Wife could get to Work. She didn’t get back Home Until 6:30pm and then We packed the Car and Hit the Road by 7:15pm. We finally reached Our Destination in Fucked Up Florida at about 3 am to find a Cold Front had rolled in and it was Non Stop Raining.

My Wife went in to the Hotel where We had made a Reservation fucking WEEKS BEFORE We were coming to Check In and all that bullshit. I waited for Her to Return to the Truck accept it was taking an Unprecedented Amount of Time and was getting Quite Pissed Off. I continued to Wait without doing dick because When I get Pissed Off I turn into a Raging Asshole which tends to make shit worse. After what seemed like for-fucking-ever My Wife came Walking back it to the Truck with a Extremely Displeased Look plastered across Her Normally Calm Face. I instantly knew by Her look Something Seriously fucked up had Happened and Now We were going to be Scrambling at 3 am in the fucking Rain to find a Solution to this Surprise Problem. And I was Right on Point with My Assumption.

When She hopped Back into the Truck She informed Me that the fucking Hotel decided to SELL OUR ROOM in spite of the Fact We had Paid for it in fucking Full when We made the motherfucking Reservation. The Issue was since They Sold Our Room to Some Asshole the Hotel affectively had ended up Double Booking the goddamn room. The Result of this was We were fucked out of Our Reservation, its was Cold and Rainy, and at 3 am We had No Where to Stay. We pulled into a Parking Spot at the Hotel since We didn’t have a Clue what the fuck to do about the Bullshit Situation and Sat in Our Truck Brainstorming. As I mentioned I was already Pissed because I was Worn Out from the Road so I was on the Verge of Totally Losing My Shit at this Point.

I asked My Wife what the fuck the Person Working had to Say about all this fucking Bullshit that had Ended Up fucking Us Over. She replied that there was Only One Employee who looked like She graduated from fucking High School Yesterday and that this was Her first Day on the Job. The Bottomline was the Employee was Inexperienced and Utterly Incapable of Dealing with the Problem and in all Due Favor had Called the On Call Manager for Help. Between it being 3:30am and the Manager being a Total Prick Didn’t’t answer Their fucking Phone leaving the Employee ass out to Defend for Herself. Since I knew if I walked into the Hotel Pissed as a motherfucker I most likely would End Up Walking Out in fucking Handcuffs (because Someone would inevitably call the Cops) decided to Conduct all Conversations with said Employee via the Phone.

First thing First I called and Demanded the Employee call Her Manager and Blow Their Phone Up until They fucking Answered. Well That Didn’t Accomplish a damn thing. Next I asked Her what the fuck about the Fact We had Pre Paid for the fucking Room and since We got screwed over We wanted Our fucking Money back incase We Located another Hotel with a Vacancy. The Employee then tells Me that the Hotel will definitely Refund Our Money BUT it Couldn’t be Done Until Tomorrow because She didn’t have the Authority to do Refunds. For the Record I knew that this Employee was the Lowest Person on the Totem Pole and as such had No Real Power or Authority to do much of Anything other than Apologize.

Keeping this in Mind when I have to Deal with Customer Service I try Not to Abuse the Customer Service Rep. I know They can’t really do Much if fucking Anything to Help Me so I make Sure to Say shit like “Your Employer”, “Your Boss”, and Call the Company Out by Name. I fully fucking Understand Why People get Angry in these types of Situations and Tend to Vent Their Displaced Anger on/at the Customer Service Rep. That is Why I make sure to Call the Company Out by Name or Say Shit like “I know its not you…” or “Your Employer…” or  “The People Running the Company…” because again Yelling and Cursing at Someone with No Actual Authority is Futile because They lack Any and All Power to Do Jack Diddly Shit. The Best Part is Customer Service Reps get Screamed at and Insulted Daily by Pissed Off Jackasses so When They Encounter a Customer Who Doesn’t Automatically Unleash Their Fury Upon Them are Very Appreciative. Their Appreciation translates into Them going above and Beyond, doing shit They Normally wouldn’t, to Try and Really Help You Out (Mind You Though even with the Best Intentions They have Little to No Authority) as Best They can instead of Sticking to the Script so to speak.

The Next Half Hour the Employee desperately called Other Hotels in the Area trying to Find One We could go to with just One Problem. As I mentioned We drop Our Big Dogs off at a Friends, Yet Our the Little Dog Travels with Us. I told the Employee that the ONLY fucking Condition We had was whatever the fucking Place was it had to be fucking Pet Friendly which seems simple enough. While the Employee did Find Several Places every time She called Me Back it turned Out She had fucking Forgot that the Place had to be Pet Friendly. Since this was Her fuck up and Her’s alone I began to get Far More Aggressive and asked Her why it was so fucking hard to remember one fucking thing because Now She was wasting My fucking Time as We sat in Our fucking Truck in the fucking Parking Lot in the Rain like Assholes.

Luckily While I was attempting to Deal with the Situation with the Employee My Wife was Calling Hotels as Well looking for an Alternative for Us. And Low and fucking Behold My Wife found a Place Near By, Pet Friendly, and had a Vacancy. At that Point I told the Employee that My Wife had figured something out since the Employee was fucking up time and time again. I then suggested the Employee find another fucking Job and One hopefully She’d be better at. I also took a moment to Shit Talk the Useless Manager and while doing so Asked if Said Manager would be working Tomorrow which They were. I did in fact call the Manger Jerk Off the Next Day and Ripped Him a New Asshole, and meanwhile all this pathetic fuck could say was that He didn’t appreciate My use of Foul Language. I reminded Him I’m legitimately Pissed the hell off at getting fucked Over and Offered to come Down to the Hotel so We could Discuss the Matter of the Room and My Language in Person which He Declined.

The Moral to this Story is a Simple One: ALWAYS Cover Your Ass. I had experienced My Parents and Others Over the Years calling Hotels to Verify that They are Coming which I always thought was well Retarded. I thought so because if You make a fucking Reservation then that takes care of it because that’s what the fucking purpose a Reservation serves. Needless to Say I fully understand that Calling to Confirm Your Reservation is Retarded BUT unfortunately fucking Necessary Bullshit. Thus I will be calling to verify My Hotel Reservations from Now until the End of My fucking Life because I swear to fucking God I’m NOT going through that Shit EVER Again.

It is What it Is,

 By Les Sober

MeatCanyon Vs. Nikocado Avocado

Welcome Today’s FYB post Featuring the Well….We’re Not entirely Sure. It isn’t the Typical YouTuber Beef We’re Used to Seeing (In Fact the So-Called Beef is Completely One Sided). So Here is the Tale of the Exchange between MeatCanyon and Nikocado Avocado so Let’s Get Started.

THE PLAYERS

MEATCANYON: MeatCanyon’s real name is Hunter August Hancock better know by His online user name MeatCanyon. Hancock is an American Youtuber, Animator, Voice Actor, Comedian, Writer, and Director who makes Parody Animations of Popular Characters (say Sponge Bob for instance). Some viewers of MeatCanyon’s Animations  have been Described them in just One Single Word “Horrifying”. A common on going gag in Hancock’s video’s is that Something Normal or Mundane gets You Killed or Possible Worse.

                   

NIKOCADO AVACADO: Here is Nikocado Avocado in a Nutshell. In the Beginning He was a Young, Health, Vegan, and Physically Fit Violin Prodigy, but the Youtube Audience was Small to say the least. When Nikocado Avocado discovered He got a Shit Ton more Views, Likes, and Subscribers for His Mukbang Videos. Over the Last Three Plus Years Nikocado Avocado has put out a PROLIFIC amount of Mukbang Content in fact it’s Become a Trade Mark of the Nikocado Avocado Brand. Now Nikocado is a Consummate Showman and the Time, Effort, and Dedication He has put into His YouTube Character’s Persona is Admirable.

With that Said Nikocado Avocado is Above All a MASTER OF MONETIZATION He Knows How to Play it Up for His Audience to get Views/Likes/Subscribers. Nikocado Avocado Utilizes Extremely Over the Top  Theatrics to His Personal Style of Mukbang. Instead of Sitting Silently Staring into the Camera and Eating Obscene Amount of Food Nikocado Openly Addresses the Camera/His Audience, Has on Volatile On Again Off Agin Relationship, Whatever is Going on in His Life Currently, and Complains about Shit or People He doesn’t like. Being a True Showman when Nikocado Avocado has Beef He always Punches Up. That means He doesn’t Argue with Channels Smaller than His only Larger Channels because those Fights Rack Up FAR MORE Views that Way. No one gives a Shit if He is Beefing with a Small Lesser Known Channel, but They Love it when Bigger YouTube Channels Go At it like a Cyber Jerry fucking Springer Show.

WHAT THE FUCK IS MUKBANG?

First Things First so what the Mukbang is Originated in 2011 in South Korea where Cooking Shows Air more Footage of the host EATING the food than the cooking of it. Mukbang is an Internet Fad that Evolved from the South Korean Cooking shows but with Mukbang  there NO cooking what so fucking ever its ALL about the consumption. This seriously fucking bizarre Fad allows People get Paid for BINGE EATING COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF FOOD so they can BUY MORE food for Future Videos/Livestreams. This insures further Donations from Their Members and Viewing Audience).          

SO WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? One of Our Favorite Content Creators MeatCanyon did an Animated Parody Video of Fellow YouTuber by the Name of Nikocado Avocado who has made His YouTube Fame doing a Prolific number of Mukbang Videos (It’s for this Reason MeatCanyon Chose the Title of the Parody Video “King of Mukbang” in the First Place). Anyway Nikocado Avocado found out about MeatCanyon’s Parody Animation of Him and in True NiKocado Avocado Fashion threw a Huge Hissy fucking Fit in a True Display of Fake Outrage in a Response Video. In Response to Nikocado Avocado’s Response Video MeatCanyon Released a His Response Video to Nikocado Avocado’s Response Video.

VIDEO PLAY LIST:

  • MeatCanyon’s “King of Mukbang”
  • Nikocado Avocado’s Response Video
  • MeatCanyon’s Response Video

Nikocado Avacado’s Response to MeatCanyon’s “King Of Mukbang”:

MeatCanyon’s Response To Nikocado Avocado:

Thanks For Watching,

Presented By Les Sober

Textpocalypse 2021: SQUATTERS

I’ve said it once and I shall say it again I am a Life Long Fan of Absurdity. I suppose that’s Why I love Shows like Trigger Happy T.V., The Eric Andre Show, Monty Python, Fawlty Towers, and Little Britton. I appreciate the Fact that not Only its Absurdity Wildly Entertaining in My Opinion but it’s Also Flexible. There is the More Commonly Embraced Out Right Absurdity, and as an Example I will Use a Text I sent on Our Family Text Chain on Friday September 17th at 3:02 pm:

“Fun Fact Friday: Neanderthals discovered Time Travel. It’s a Tragedy that They do Not receive the Immense Amount of Credit They Deserve for Their Amazing Discoveries in Time-Space Travel. The Root of Reason for this is Neanderthals were Considered to be “Primitive Man” by Archeologists when that couldn’t be Farther from the Truth. This lead to Their Dismissal of the Neanderthals’s Cave Paintings Chronicling Their Research as “Just more Cave Doodles”. Now a Consideration that One must take into Account is that in all Due Favor ironically the aforementioned Archeologists were a Tad Distracted. They were rather Preoccupied with Practicing Their Bullwhip Skills, and Not Being Crushed by Large Dislodged Boulders.”

                   

This by Anyone’s Standards is Quite Obviously Not even Close to being True and that Fact is Blatantly Obvious to All. Now Absurdity Doesn’t have to be Cartoonish, Over the Top Gonzo, In Your Face, or Manic in its Approach. Absurdity can be Subtle as Hell. The Best way I can Explain it is I Wholeheartedly Believe that You can Say Anything (I mean the Craziest Shit You can Possibly Think of to Say), and as Long as You can Say it with a Straight Face and Conviction You create a Reasonable Doubt. That’s to Say the Person will tell Themselves that You were so Obviously Joking because No Way could Anyone be Serious about such an Absurd Statement. That’s when the Reasonable Doubt Starts to set in, and They Start to Subtly Second Guess Themselves. The More They Doubt the More They can’t Write the Whole Conversation Off as a Joke or One’s Odd Sense of Humor.

         

A Real Life Example of this Type of Subtle Absurdity that Rails through the Halls of Reason happened to Me the Other Day. It was 10:20 pm and I had a Free moment and found Myself thinking of Weird, Yet Unoffensive Shit to Post on My Family’s Ongoing Text Chain, and Finally decided to go with an Absurd Meme. What Happened Next was a Humorously Confused Text Exchange between Myself, My Mom, and My Aunt. Now At First I assume My Aunt Knew I was Kidding Around, but once My Mom entered the Conversation My Aunt seemed to get Confused as to what is Actually going on. As You will See even though I kept the Whole thing Going I did Start Responding with Absurder Shit Each Time. I was thinking that at Some unseen Level of Absurdity They’d Understand I was just fucking around, and the Outcome was Not what I Expected.

Here is the Aforementioned  Text Exchange:

Me: 

My Aunt: Uh oh!

Me: Dang Squatters got in the Walls Again.

My Aunt: Oops!!

My Mother: Mice! But I am getting them with the Green Bait Balls!!

Me: Excellent what works on Wall Squatters living in One’s Walls? I called Terminex, but when it comes to Pests They don’t cover Wall Dwelling Squatters. I’m going to check Reddit for possible solutions.

  (8 Minutes Later)  

Me: Well Reddit is a Total Bust. All I found was Information Pertaining to One’s Walls being inhabited by Wayward Hobos.

My Mom: If you get rid of pests in the house, you  are likely you are likely to handle those in the walls, also at the same time. Also a good pest control company should be able to check your house over thoroughly and close any openings that might be allowing entrance to birds, mice, squirrels, or other varmints…

Me: That’s Good Advice the thing that Baffles me is I may Not be the Most Observant Person, I’d like to Think I could Spot an Opening the Size of an Devious Adult Squatter. I have a Sneaking suspicion the Specific Wall Squatters are in fact Tunneling in like Mole People. Does anyone know a Good Company that can check House Foundations since if the Conniving Squatters are in fact Tunneling in to Access the Walls the Foundation Integrity may be Compromised. Also on a similar Note I’m pretty sure My Home Insurance Doesn’t cover this sort of Thing.

                   

My Aunt: No, Les, I am sure that insurance will not cover it and you are correct, they will most definitely have an impact on the integrity of the foundation if not treated…We have that problem here in Atlanta…Let me see if I can find the thread from the area and see if I can tell you who they called and what they did.

My Mom: I use Terminex, Les. I have a contract with them. They treat all pests and insects, not just termites, but you might want to check if you call to make sure they cover exclusion of squirrels, mice, bats, etc. I have had good experience with the local one. In the meantime, Les, go to the Farm Center and get some of those green balls- Ramik baits. Put a couple in a bottle lid or something under the kitchen sink in a cabinet that stays shut so your pets don’t have access. If they disappear overnight that means mice are getting them- and they go out out of the house and died. I find them very effective.

My Aunt: Crocodile Dave seems to be the one that they love here, but it seems that most of the termite companies now treat wildlife intrusion also..and try what your mom suggested, too, because according to the thread, it can be expensive..Good luck!

                   

TEXTED THE FOLLOWING MORNING:

Me: To Whom It May Concern: Last Night I had a couple of Beers and was boded so I scrolled through My Pictures on my Phone. When I saw the Absurd Meme I thought it would be funny to post here. Then I decided it be far funnier if I claimed ACTUAL Homeless People were Squatting in the Walls, thus following the Theme of the Meme. Apparently Some became confused and under the impression and thought I was eloquently describing Mice. There are No Mice or Other Pests. We have been using Terminex for 4 years and still do.

My Aunt: Well, thank goodness. I just have real estate brain, so any mention of foundation issues and my antenna goes up..glad it’s not for real!!

My Mom: Yes, you did confuse us, LES! Good to get your reassurance!

 

Thanks For Reading,

 By Les Sober 

Why The Hell Would A Serial Killer WANT To Be Caught?!

There are people who are not interested in learning about serial killers, but that doesn’t stop them fro asking fucking questions. Now the most asked question I come across hands fucking down is “Why would a serial killer want to be caught???” It’s a valid question since getting caught would be counter fucking productive as one could get if they were in the serial killing business. Who the fuck would OPT to get arrested, prosecuted, convicted, and sentenced to life in prison or face the fucking death penalty?! Also wouldn’t a serial killer prefer to remain free to keep on killing since that’s their main fucking function of their lives being PREDATORS and predators main preoccupation is fucking HUNTING.

Ultimately getting caught is a serial killer’s the end game due to their EGO. I mean there’s no fucking point in going around murdering the shit out of people, and perhaps other fucked up shit (like cannibalism) if  no one knows it was you. It doesn’t matter if it’s directing a block buster movie, writing a best selling book, a hit song, viral video, or any other fucking thing no matter what people want credit for their accomplishments. That includes serial killers especially if the serial killer is one that has a specific M.O., agenda, cause/mission, or manifesto serving as a fucked up rational for their heinous acts of murder.

                   

The serial killer timeline is pretty fucking basic part 1 is torturing and killing animals then finally they kill a person. After their first murder their killing starts to accelerates increasing in frequency building to a crescendo of carnage and then the killer is caught at last. Part 2 is the serial killer is the defendant in a high profile and more than well publicized court cases while their picture and speculation as to why they did what they did are plastered all over the internet, social media, television, and on the front cover of magazines.

Lets fucking face it we make these sick fuckers famous to the point Oliver fucking Stone did a whole fucking movie on the subject in Natural Born Killers. The public being the third party find serial killers like any fucking thrill ride or adrenaline inducing activity that is terrifying but none the less exhilarating at the same fucking time. The public recoils at the details of the killers horrible acts of brutality and bloodshed, but morbid curiosity wins out in the end. Curiosity wins because as sickeningly nauseating the murderer’s malicious madness may be people have an insatiable thirst to know, find out, or discover why no the less. The public simply will not fucking be ignored like the Enquire’s motto “Enquiring minds want to know.”

                   

While serial killers are fucked up as they come there something even more terrifying and that’s the exceptions to the rule. Two honorable mentions (BUT NOT EXCEPTIONS) are the BTK killer and The Ice Man, and I am purposefully not using their actual fucking names to if you want to know more go hit up google.

The Ice Man is an honorable mention because he used his psychopathic tendencies to find employment as a profile mafia hitman. This is different in The Ice Man didn’t have an M.O. and he didn’t prey on the public instead he made murder his profession. Also the Ice Man was a true comilion who by day was a loving father and husband, upstanding member of the community, respected in his neighborhood, and even a member of the local church. At night though The Ice Man induced his dark and deadly desires on behalf of the mob.

The BTK killer diverted from the traditional serial killer in the fact he could when he felt he needed to he curb his desire to kill (which meant it took decades before he was caught). This is unusual since like any fucking addiction it starts off slow and then they build up speed until you can’t stop even if you want to. You have become consumed by whatever addiction it is you’re battling to the point that ever fiber of your being wants the insanity to stop, BUT you also want to keep getting high NO MATTER WHAT. The same can be said for serial killers/serial killing.

                   

The 2 most infamously notorious and yes famous traditional serial killer exceptions are Jack The Ripper and The Zodiac Killer. Jack The Ripper actually sent a single letter to the police along with a kidney from one of his alleged victims as proof confessing his crimes. He even included a 2 word return address which was: FROM HELL, and Yes that’s were the Hughes brothers got the title for their 2001 Jack The Ripper film staring Johny Depp. Now when it came to the issue of ego The Zodiac Killer set the bar and set it high as fuck. The Zodiac Killer sent a rather prolific amount of letters to both the police and the media even inventing his own cryptic code and symbols.

The Zodiac relished the fact he was able to taught and antagonize the authorities as well as the public, and he got a really enjoyed mocking the police. In summation the Zodiac’s letters stated that he was far more fucking intelligent than the police, the police wouldn’t or couldn’t ever catch him, and even with all his letters and clues contained within the police still weren’t able to arrest him. The scariest thing about the Zodiac is in the end he was right he like Jack The Ripper was NEVER caught he quit killing and walked off into the fucking sunset never to be heard from again.

Well on that happy note I’m going to end this post here.

See you when I see you,

 by Justin Sane

Crazy People, Campgrounds, and A Crappy Concert

Now I had mentioned in a Recent Post that My Wife and I are in the Habit of Frequenting Our Local Bar called Timeout Tavern. Over Time as One might Imagine We started to meet some of the Local Characters from Our Town as well as the Neighboring Town. One of those Characters is a Man of Few Words who goes by Dee Dee who’ve We seen at the Bar Numerous times before. Well on this particular Thursday (Normally We head to Timeout on Fridays, but this Thursday was My Wife’s Birthday) We just so Happened to Sit at an Open Spot at the Bar that was next to Dee Dee who had been there for some time already.

Dee Dee as far as Dee Dee is concerned was in His Version of a Talkative Mood. This meant We would sit Next to One Another drinking in Silence until periodically Dee Dee would Lean over slightly in Our direction, and then proceed to have talk about whatever topic was on His Mind. These Mini conversations lasted just a few Sentences before Dee Dee would fall Silent once again. At one Point later in the Evening Dee Dee had Invited Us to Join Him on Saturday for Some Event or What Not. Finally Dee Dee decided He was Drunk Enough (and I’m not Talking Shit since He was Visibly Intoxicated, and in all Due Favor so was My Wife and I) and Decided to Head Out. Not Long after Dee Dee’s Departure My Wife and I also Opted to Call it a Night and went Home to Hangout with Our Pack of Dogs.

                    

Friday came and went uneventfully and come Saturday Morning My Wife and I had a Bit of an Issue. The Issue was Due to the Fact all Three of Us (Dee Dee included) were so Drunk that My Wife and I couldn’t Remember what the fuck We had agreed to Thursday Night. So We started Playing the Drunken Memory Puzzle Game slowly Remembering Detail after Detail as We tried to Piece it all together. By 1:30 in the Afternoon We had managed though it was quite a Struggle to Assemble the Pieces of the Puzzle in a Coherent Narrative. What We Deduced was Dee Dee, who Actually lives in the Previously Mentioned Neighboring Town, had Rented a RV Site at Cooper’s Campground which was an Extremely Large local Campground. Dee Dee had invited Us to Stop by His Campsite around 4pm to Tailgate before a Local Band Played a Show at the Campground.

Even After We recounted Thursday Nights Conversation We still had a Number of Problems. First being the Most Obvious was Dee Dee never told Us what the Actual Number of His Campsite was. He Only mentioned that We should Enter the Camp Ground, make a Left, and keep Driving until We saw the Campground Laundry Building. Apparently His Campsite was in the Vicinity of said Laundry. Also Around Here its a Bit Old School because when I asked Dee Dee for His Cell Number so We could Orchestrate Saturday’s Plan He simple Replied “Why? If You come then I’ll just See You There.” which is about as Useful as a Car without an Engine. Also We had No Idea where in the Massive RV Park/Campground the Concert Venue was since We had Never been there Before. I decided the Best Idea was to say fuck 4 O’clock since the Concert was the Main Focus of the Nights Events, and again We had No Real Information on How to Locate Dee Dee or Call or Text Him either. I thought We should Head to the Campsite to get a Literals Lay of the Land so We’d know what the fuck We were getting Ourselves into.

                   

We headed over to the Campground around 5pm or so and Once We arrived We drove through a Small Neighborhoods Worth of RV’s, RV Parking Sites, and Actual Campers in Tents. Then We reached the Main Campground Gate where there were to Humongous Signs Posted Relaying the Basic Rules and Policies of the Park which were Extensive to say the Least. What Pissed ME off at that Moment was the Fact the Campground Charged People who weren’t Current Campers (aka Customers) $5 Per Person to Enter. I though how if I was a Friend or Family Member Visiting How I’d be even More Pissed Off I’d be about the Gate Toll. All I’m saying is You visit someone in a Hotel, Motel, or Air B&B You don’t have to Pay some Bizarre and Bullshit Cover Charge just for Visiting. Anyway We made a U Turn and went back Home considering We didn’t really want to Hangout in a fucking RV Park/ Campground for several Hours Before the Show.

Once We arrived Home My Wife Hit Up the Campground Website for Details since We had Not been able to Scout Out the Location. My Wife confirmed First and Foremost that there was indeed a Concert that Night, and pulled up Some Picture of Where the Show would be Held. The Picture was unassuming as fuck as it was just a Picture of a Large Field on the Water Front. My Wife and I figured that because the Venue was a Campground that They would Erect a Small Stage for the Band to Play on. We assumed then that People Who came Would Bring Blankets or Beach Chairs to Sit On while the Band was On Stage Preforming. We figured We would need some Show Supplies so We went Out and Bought a couple of Cheap Beach Chairs, 3 Bags of Ice, A Cooler, and of Course a Case of Budweiser. Outside the Store We Filled the Cooler with the Ice and Stocked it with the Budweiser before departing. We Drove on Over to the Campsite since it was Now Quarter to Seven and the Show was Billed to Start at 8pm.

                      

Once We Arrived We discovered the Gate Attendant had Left so We were Referred by a Shitty Handwritten Note (Scrawled on a Scrap Piece of Paper Taped to the Window of the Camp Connivence Store which Doubled as the Gate House) to the Two Monolithic Signs Posted on Either Side of the Gate. We ended up having to Fill Out this Basic Form with Our Name, Address, and Vehicle License Plate Number. We then Drove Through the Gate then there was a Beat Up Old Metal Lock Box on Passenger Side which We deposited the Form along with the $10 Entrance Fee. This Pissed ME off because its a fucking Campground so Why the fuck are They charging $5 per Person just to Enter? Who or What the fuck do They think They Are some Trendy fucking Nightclub or Some Shit? I dunno but I digress.

20 Feet into the Park and I’m already Stressed Out by the Absolute Clustfuck Labyrinth Arrangement of the RVs/Campsites. Instead of using the Traditional Tried and True Lay Out in a Grid Pattern with Neat Rows of RVs/Campsites with Adequate Streets running Between the Rows. This Campground looked as if the Owner had Squeezed every last Camper/RV/Campsite They could onto the Property to Maximize Their Profits. This created a Chaotically Disorganized Landscape of Oddly Angled Cramped RVs/Campsites that were packed so Close Together that if You stepped out Your Door You’d be a approximately 2 Feet From Your Neighbor. Privacy seemed to be Totally Non Existent, and that would Definitely Drive Me fucking Insane as I relish My Privacy.

                    

To make Shit even More Nerve Racking there was a Main Road and I use that word Loosely that ran Around the Entire Perimeter of the Park. If You actually wanted to Access Anything in the Park You had to Navigate a the Maze of Haphazardly Placed RVs/Campsites using a Cramped Network of Streets that in Reality were Glorified Dirt Paths wide Enough for a Single Golf Cart to Drive on. One Thing We noted was to further Aggravate Me and the Situation Itself was There was the Utter and Total Lack of Signage so We had No fucking Clue where We were or Where We were fucking going. Meanwhile as We drove at a Whopping 3 Miles an Hour since I Drive A Half Ton Dodge Ram 1500 Pick Up Truck, and since Whoever Designed the Campground had Miserable Concept of Spacial Recognition ever Where We went was the Definition of a Tight fucking Fit. The Campground Layout was Completely fucking Random, but there were Other Exacerbating Factors We had to Content with.

The First Issue was there was a Ton fuck of People there were Walkers, Joggers, Men, Women, Kids, Senior Citizens, and Pets Milling around. Now with all of the Randomly Placed RVs/Campsites all I could think was “Holy Shit this is a fucking reciepy for a fucking Disaster. The Whole Time at any Second I expected Someone or Something to Walkout into the Street without even considering They could be Hit/Run Over by My Big Ass Truck. Then there were the goddamn Golf Carts that were all over the Place, and Who’s Occupants were Annoyed They were Forced to Pull off to the Side of the “Road” to make Room for My Big Goddamn Truck. That and Every Golf Cart seemed to be Driven by an Oblivious Idiot (Most were Deep into a Day Drinking Drunk as at Least 1 of Every 3 People I saw were Holding Beers) who had the Attention Span of a fucking Goldfish. The Day Drinking Drunks weren’t just Idly Driving around in Golf Carts They seemed to make Up a Majority of the People Staying at the Campground. Again All I could think is that One of These Dipshit Drunks would Stumble or Fall Flat on Their Face in the Road and End Up being Run the fuck Over (and more than Likely Killed).

                    

There was one thing Though that I did find Fascinating and that was that the Campground was Over Run with Rabbits. I’m Not talking the Normal Wild American Rabbit Species You’re accustomed to seeing Oh No these were Some Breed of Domesticated Rabbits. They came in a Variety of Colors, Pure Black, Black and White, Tan, Brown, Tan with Brown Markings Etc., and these fuckers were so goddamn Big You could have Picked One Up and Cradled it like a fucking Baby. No One in the Park in the Campground even Acknowledged the Rabbits Presence Though They were Everywhere. The Rabbits were Laying in the Road, Running Between or Under RVs, Hanging Out in Small Groups on Spontaneous Grassy Plots located around the Park.

The Other Weird thing was I had never Heard about the Campground Rabbits and I’m a Local. Usually when Places have an Unusual Oddity such as these Rabbits the Business uses it as a Promotional Tool to Cash in on the Eccentricity, but Apparently Not in this Case. I even Hit Up Ye Old Internet the Next Day to see if I could find any Information on these Mysterious Rabbits. While there were Slews of Reviews that all Mentioned or at Least Alluded to the Rabbits but that was All. I posted on one of the sites asking if Anyone Knew the Origin Story behind the Rabbits, Yet Unfortunately I fucking Forgot the Specific Website (and was Unable to Locate it at a Later Date). I figure Especially being in the Country that these Rabbits had been Kept for as Show Rabbits, Raised as Farm Rabbits, Raised for Food, or Possible as Pets. As these things Go I believe some of the Rabbits Escaped and spawned a Full Blown Breeding Rabbit Population. I still am curious as fuck to Know the Exact Details and will Keep Seeking Out Any and All Information Pertaining to the Campground Rabbits.

                   

After Roaming around this Campsite Hellscape We rather quickly came to the Conclusion that We would just Head to the Show Venue (wherever the hell it was) because Meeting Up with Dee Dee was a Virtual Impossibility. We continued to Drive meandering to and fro until Thank fucking Christ We found the Venue sheerly by Chance. We pulled into the Grass Parking Lot, and I immediately Noticed things were Not as We had Anticipated Not in the Least. When We Pulled into the Lot We saw a Large Cinder Block Building Painted a Nauseating Shade of Pink. I assume the Building originally was a Garage for Maintenance/Groundkeepers Lawn Mowers and other Tools of the Trade. I thought this because there was a rather Large Garage Door that was wide Open and We could See (and Hear) the Band doing Their Soundcheck. Now it was 7:40 pm and the Show was set to Start at 8pm on the Dot, But the One thing We didn’t See was Anyone Else. The Parking Lot with the Acceptation of My Wife and I was Completely Empty there wasn’t a Single Person to be Seen.

Eventually a Small Handful of Campground Campers trickled in on Their Golf Carts. We Spoke with a Man familiar with the Campground and asked what the fuck was the Deal since We had Obviously made the wrong assumption with the whole Tail Gating thing. He informed Us that there wasn’t any Tail Gating and the Campground Owners would Toss You out and Ban You for Life if They Caught You. I’ll be fucking Damned if I get thrown out of a fucking Campground that’s for Sure. Then He informs Us that They do Sell Beer there accept its Cheap Shitty Beer in Clear Plastic BBQ Cups all White Trash and shit. I am a Beer Lover but after already Buying a Case of Good Beer sure as Hell didn’t want to have to Sell Out more Cash especially for Horse Piss Beer. Lastly the Man Mentioned there was a goddamn Cover Charge in Addition to the $10 Park Admittance Fee. This Seriously Chapped My Ass I mean I paid $10 already just to get into this Hellhole 3 Ring Shit Show of a Campground, and the Idea of having to Pay a Cover well Fuck and That.

                    

At 8:15 pm I decided it was time to Re-Evaluate the Situation. Since I tend to be Anti Social and Standoffish so I felt I had to Lawyer My Point. I pointed out that Perhaps making Plans Late at Night at the Bar while Drunk wasn’t the Optimal Scenario for making Plans. Also We didn’t have Dee Dee’s Phone Number or Campsite Number and We didn’t even have a Clue where the Laundry was (which if You remember was Our one and only Reference Point). I then Proceeded to Point Out the Fact it was a Lame Local Bar Band so it wasn’t Worth it Literally and Figuratively. I added to that its a really bad sign when You show up for a Concert Twenty Minutes before the Show Starts and there is No One There. I made sure to point out that the Few People who Finally Showed Were Campers Not Locals, and if We wanted to get to Know More People talking to Vacationing Campers was a Waste of fucking Time. My Wife being the Optimist suggested We wait a Little Longer before Leaving just to See if Things Picked Up and being the Pessimist I reluctantly Agreed. At 8:30 pm My Wife Agreed with Me that it was Time to Throw in the Towel and Call it Quits.

In the End We left the Campground and Drove over to Our Favorite Watering Whole Timeout Tavern and Proceeded to have a Ultimately Awesome Evening. I have yet to see Dee Dee again but I’m sure I will in Time, and When I do I can’t wait to ask Him What The Fuck the Whole Ordeal was About. Until then it was a Intensely Bizarre Adventure and at Least it makes for an Interesting fucking Story.

Thanks For Reading,

   By Les Sober  

Living In A Small Town: Friday Night Down At Timeout Tavern

There’s a Saying that “There is No Pace to Hide in a Small Town.”, and the Saying couldn’t be Truer. It’s Not the Geographical Confines that make Hiding Hard it’s the Fact that the cliche is True Everyone Knows Everyone Else. Not only that but They know all About Their extended Family, Achievements, Down Falls, The Good, The Bad, and all the Bullshit In-between. You see Gossip is the Social Currency of the South that the Majority of the Population Banks On. I’m Not necessarily bitching Here because I knew this before Ever Moving to the Souther Country, and as such Deemed it as Something that comes with the Territory.

Last Year Timeout Tavern Opened providing the Town with it’s First Actual Bar and Local Drinking Hole. Not only did Timeout Tavern Open in a Small Town it did so During the Pandemic, and it Thrived mainly due to the Locals  being to Stupid for Their Own Good (I guess it falls Under doing Something Good (supporting Your Local Businesses) for the Wrong Reason (IT’S CALLED QUARANTINE). Anyway I digress. Luckily Timeout Tavern and Most of the Locals Survived the Brunt of 2020, and is Doing Better than Ever in all Honesty. I attribute the Tavern’s Success to One Main Factor and that being that Before Opening the Owner did Her Homework. She got a Lay of the Land if You Will Seeing what the Market was like and Moreover what People where Looking for. In a Small Town a Bar is more than just Booze it’s the fucking Entertainment Center for the Entire fucking Town.

            

You have to Remember Small Towns literally Shut the fuck Down at 6pm and there is No Night Life to Speak Of. Thus Timeout Tavern provides Booze Obviously as well as Food (Up until there Opening all We fucking had as a Stellar Chinese Takeout Restaurant as Our Sole Option), There Pool Tables since the Locals love Killing Time at the Pool Table, Special Events like Ladies Night, Karaoke Thursday Nights, and Live Bands every Saturday as Far as providing a Variety of Entertainment Options. It should also be Noted  that in a Part of the Country still Languishing in its Love of Tobacco the Owner researched the Local Laws Pertaining to Smoking, and Established a way for Patrons to Smoke inside.

Finally After My Wife and I were Fully Vaccinated and it had been the Full 2 weeks Post Second Injection had an Opportunity to Check Out the Timeout Tavern for Ourselves. It’s a Nice Bar nothing fucking Special, but its definitely not some Shitty Hole in the Wall. The Owner and Bartenders are about the Nicest fucking People I have ever had the Pleasant Surprise of Meeting. The Patrons are made of Locals from Town as well as the Neighboring Town being that its only 8 Miles Down the Road. Everyone is friendly as fuck and Buying Shots for One another is a Very Popular thing to Do. So Since My Wife’s Work Schedule has Relaxed a bit We have gotten into the Habit of Hitting Up Timeout Tavern on Friday Nights, and this Friday was No Exception.

 

The thing that Stands Out as Odd as far as Timeout Tavern is Concerned is in a Small Town full of Blue Collar Laborers (and Avid Church Goers) is the it gets Busier the Later it Gets, and Timeout Tavern is Open till 2 am or Later if Business is Booming so to Speak. I figured the Peak Hours would be from 5pm the Time most People Around Here Clock Out for the Day and perhaps 10:30-11:00 pm Tops. The Truth of the Matter is Timeout Tavern Business Starts Picking Up around 9:30 or so. It Picks up to the Point where there’re Three times as Many People there When We Leave then when We Arrived.

This Works well Because There need to be Enough People for Me to People Watch and be Entertained, but Once it Starts getting Crowded (like Saturdays with the Live Bands and All) I get fucking Irritated and Leave. I Don’t like People though I can Tolerate Them for Shorter Periods of Time. I hate being Packed in a Loud and Noisy Bar like fucking Cattle with No Personal Space to Speak Of. Also the More People that come is Directly related to the Volume of the Music in the Bar so More People the Louder the Music. I am a music Lover No Doubt but I can’t fucking Stand it being so Loud I can’t Hear what the fuck People are Saying to Not being able to Think Straight. To Me that’s Not Fun thats fucking Irritating to No End.

                 

When We Arrived there was a Handful of People there as Per Usual and We sat down across the Bar from a Big Old Country Boy and Who I believe was His Father (all I know is it was Some Silver Haired Weathered Looking Biker who He seemed Quite Comfortable with). Time went by uneventfully for the Most Part until a Moronic Immature Man-Child came in and got Too Drunk for His Own Good. Then the Sloppy Drunk Juvenile Jackass insulted the Poor Bartender when He ordered a Round of what is called “The Fat Hooker”. This Feeble Minded Fool is so Intoxicated He kept calling the Shot a “Fat Whore”, and then Announced to Everyone Near by that He had Never bought Anyone a Fat Whore, and that the Skinny Whore (the Bartender) was going to get it. The Bartender wasn’t taking shit from Anyone especially this  Binge Drinking Dipshit so She went on the War Path while the Rest of the Bar got Her Back.  Once the Dumbfuck put His Tail between His Legs and made a Quick Exist it turned out An Older Man there was the Drunken Dick’s Boss who Informed Us all that the Guy was a Bratty Son of a Bitch who has been Leeching Off His Dad like a White Trash Trust Fund Baby.

                      

Once the Drunken Idiot Issue was resolved everything went back to a Normal Bar and all was Well. Then at One Point I noticed the Big Old Country Boy Stood Up and Started to Walk Towards Me with Purpose. Due to His rather Large Size it Didn’t take Him long to End up Standing Directly Next to Me on the Right. Now here was what was Going on in My Mind at this Point:

  • Did I do Something to Offend/Insult this Guy and Now He wants to fucking Fight Me?
  • If He does want to Fight So Be It, but I’ll need an Equalizer due to the Drastic Size Differential so I’d most likely Hit Him with My Beer Bottle at the First Sign of Trouble.
  • Did I meet this Guy before at the Bar and was So Drunk I simply Forgot and Now I’m going to have to Try and Bullshit My way Through this Encounter?
  • Is This Guy just Simply trying to be Friendly and Introduce Himself?
  • Is This Guy a Cop?
  • Is This Guy going to Try and Sell Me Weed?

                  

Luckily for Me the Big Old Country Boy stated His Purpose/Intent without an awkward Delay. He asked Me if “My Mom was Still Out at The Plantation?” which at First Confused Me. I then Realized He meant My Mom’s Family Farm that was (even though My Mother hates to Admit it) an Actual Plantation. So I replied that Yes She was, and He goes on to tell Us that He’s a General Contractor Who Four Years Ago My Mom had Called to Repair a Botched Job with Her Upstairs Shower that Occurred During Installation. Not just that but He had come over to say Hello because He remembered My Wife and I from Our Wedding Photos Hanging in My Mom’s Farmhouse. Apparently My Mom had made a Lasting Impression that She is a Nice Lady, but You sure as Hell wouldn’t want to make an Enemy of Her. I definitely couldn’t Argue since He was Absolutely right My Mom can be Your Biggest Ally or Your Biggest Enemy. Simply My Mother is a fucking Force of Nature Not to be Contented with. I couldn’t Help finding it Funny that My Mom has some Serious Country Style Street Credit.

The Part of the Conversation that I found More than Entertaining (and Equally Interesting to Learn) was when He said “Your Mother called Me in for a Tiling Job for Her upstairs Shower that the Original Guy(s) fucked up, She Didn’t Say that Mind You, but You knew thats what She Meant.” You know You’re a fucking Bad ass when You Don’t even have to Drop an F-Bomb, Yet People Still Fully Understand What Your Saying and That You’re Not to be Trifled with. It reminds Me of Actor Kevin Spacey’s unique Brand of Controlled Rage where He Doesn’t Yell or Lash Out, but You know He’s Dead fucking Serious. At this point I decided to properly Introduce Myself and found out the Man’s Name is Wade. The Funny thing is Wade also informed us “I know where You live Too.” because He apparently liked the House We bought and was even Considering Possibly Buying it Himself. That and Wade Literally Lives on My Street which is Why He extended an Open Invitation to Stop on By when I see Him working in His Garage.

                   

My Wife told Wade the Story of How one of the First things We did Prior to Moving in Full Time was We replaced the Upstairs Toilet. Since We Don’t have Trash Pick Up of Any Kind We had to load the Crapper into the Car and Drop it Off at the Local Trash Dump. The Dump is actually a Parking lot filled with Various Dumpsters for Various Things (like Yard Waste, Old Tires, Metal etc.) and Two Trash Compacters that sit Side By Side. The Reason I mention this is to Distinguishing Our Dump from the Usual Trash Dump People think of thats Archers of Trash Piled High as Mountains. Once My Brother’s Wife’s Father came to Visit and Thought the Dump was the Typical Giant Putrid Mountain Range of Garbage, and got excited about Going Down to the Dump to Shoot Rats like He did as a Kid. The fucking Bizarre thing is When I was carrying the Toilet to the Appropriate Dumpster a Man who was a Complete Stranger approached Me and said “So You’re the Ones that Bought the House on Such and Such Street.” which Blew My Mind because again I never seen this fucking Guy before in My Life. That was My First Real Lesson in What living in a Small Town is Actually like in Reality.

       

After Our Chat Wade Returned to His Side of the Bar, and My Wife and I spent a few Minutes discussing How fucking Uniquely Strange Living in a Small Town is because Shit like this happens Frequently. I’m from Up North where You don’t even Look at Your Neighbor more or Less Conversate with Them. Where I grew Up You just ignored the Hell out of Your Neighbors under the guise that Neighbors are Typically More Trouble than They’re Worth. I then glanced at My Phone to check the Text Messages, and when I looked up I Saw Wade Pointing at My Wife in the Classic “You want a Shot I’m Buying.” Stance. My Wife Doesn’t start Drinking Until She is Ready In Spite of Being at a Bar so She Replied that She wasn’t Currently Drinking but Thank You just the Same. Wade then immediately Turned His Attention to Me and Boisterously Announced “I Know His Mom, I Know He Needs a Shot!” Which is the Country Version of Respectfully Busting Your Balls so I didn’t get all Bent About it in the Least. In Fact it was just the Opposite I said He was definitely correct and received My Free Shot.

                    

Later on the Bartender Stopped by and Dropped Off a Beer and told Me that it was from Wade. I thanked Wade Who responded by Saying Loudly “He’s a Good Guy and a Good Guy to know since He’ll be Running Everything Someday.” which is Pretty Accurate. What Wade was alluding to is He is a Contractor, My Mom’s Farm always has Work that Needs to be Done, and when the Time Comes I will be in Charge of it all. This is Almost Totally accurate accept Wade seems to be Unaware I have a Younger Brother Who will be Running the Farm Jointly with Me. The Irony is My Mother’s current and Long Time Contractor is getting Close to Retiring especially since His Life of Physical Labor is taking a Heavy Toll on His Health (His Back is Shot to Shit). So crossing Paths with Wade at this Time was Perfect since We will be needing a New Contractor in the Near Future once the Current one Calls it Quits at Last.

So as I have Adjusted (and still am Honestly) to Small Town Life I never thought I’d be the One to say it, But Small Town Life is Easy Living. I never in mY wildest fucking Dreams thought I’d ever Settle Down in a Small Town and Not Only Not Hate it, but Come to Embrace it as well. I suppose its Life’s way of Letting You Know that it’s in the Drivers Seat Regardless of What You may Think or have Planned.

Thanks For Reading,

   By Les Sober