Non Fiction – Page 3

Not the Friday I planned

I honestly have to say today was the toughest test on my sobriety in months. Despite no cravings. It gets weirder. I woke up feeling great, had some nice scrambled eggs for breakfast and had a good odd hour (odd hour being 3amish) chat with Les Sober.

Then all shit hit the fan. Mainly because I was trying to be a nice guy I decided to buy vitamins from my new doctors office to sorta show appreciation plus I wanted to take in the scenery on the drive to New Hope. It’s very wooded and hilly and quiet in Pennsylvania besides the cities.

So I took these digestzymes. One pill. Now I’ve been clean from alcohol about 10 months and heroin 18-19 years but I’m not big on dates, I’m bigger on burying the dead corpses of past behaviors I despise. My sobriety method is I feel if I turn around and reflect I will turn into a grain of salt like Lot’s wife in the bible. Anyway I’m glad I’m not a time traveller because honestly I would have travelled back with a shot of whiskey or rum and said don’t take that have this. But since I’m not a time traveller I did take the pill.

I happened to get a bit tired but didn’t think much of it. I threw a little cheese in my egg but even the slightest bit of cheese can make me fall asleep for 10-20 minutes. Woke up heart racing 30 minutes later.

This lasted for about 90 minutes or so and either ended by a few black olives or deep breathing. Probably the olives…. like I was never into martinis or booze with things on the rim, except margaritas. I always think it’s not fair there’s no salted non alcoholic drinks. Even if there were I’m milk, coffee, non tap water or die of thrist.

Anyway ended up calling this woman at the vitamin company who allegedly never heard of such a thing. I was too sick to call her out on her lie but you know what? Let’s just say the FDA is coming for her soon.

Nowhere on the actual bottle was there anything about papaya. Yet on some random literature that came with the bottle it was mentioned as part of their proprietary blend. It’s my fault I took the pill and didn’t ask more questions orginally. However I did find from my mother that papaya was the only food that made her throw up while pregnant was papaya of course.

It’s just hard for me to ask questions of others. I ramble on like a freight train. My ADHD doesn’t really allow me to focus on much and I try to read 8 books at once, all the while trying to learn chemistry, biology, chronobiology, nutrition, psychology literally 3 minutes at a time. I try and help others, not because I want to but feel it is almost my burden or calling.

I mean there is so so much I have to be grateful for. My family, my roof, ability to afford my WOE (way of eating) and a handful of really great friends.

I also have my instincts. (Except with sexy men but that’s too much ramble for one blog )

Honestly my first instinct was to not take this particular enzyme and return it when I saw papaya. This has also been my instinct for over 20 years when it comes to drinking. Honestly the only day it was my first instinct to drink in 20 years was the Eagles Super Bowl parade. I guess this is why I can’t stand AA with people constantly telling me my brain is broke or sloganing me to death. No asshole, honestly I’ve legit been drinking for digestive issues for nearly 25 years.

I’m just so glad the cravings only lasted for those 90 gut wrenching minutes. And completely disappeared afterwards. It may sound silly but 3 black olives sent me back to Earth. It’s a shame I can’t plant an olive tree in New Jersey.

The Struggle Is Real

So I planned on Posting the Next installment of Lee Joints: Professional People Watcher Today, but to be quite frank I’m fucking worn out. There is some good News, well For Me anyways that I am happy to Report. Now You may have seen Me Ranting and Raving about the Fucked Up System of Highway Robbery Know as the American Healthcare System. That and You might have seen Me Enraged Railing Against the Outrageous fucking Scam the Healthcare System Truly Is. Hospitals are By Far are the Worst fucking Offenders of them all I assure You.

To Recap I have Raged against How its utterly insane that People sign up for Surgery or a Medical Procedure, have it done, and then wait to see what They Owe. Then when the fucking Bills come People just Shrug and Blindly pay them Without Question. Thats fucking Retarded. Before You get Your Car Repaired or Sign up for say Internet/cable Service You know Before hand what You’re going to be Charged, and What You will be receiving for said Payment. This is the way business is conducted unless You’re a Hospital in which case You do Your Damndest to Prevent Patients from being able to receive/View Their Itemized Bill.

Again People blindly Pay Medical Bills WHICH ARE NOT ITEMIZED and My Point is for the Massive Amount of Money involved wouldn’t You want to know what the fuck You paid for? If Your Mechanic or A/C Repair Guy did a Job for You and then handed You a Bill that stated only “You Owe Me this Sum of Money.” would You say Alrighty and fork over Your hard earned Cash No Questions asked? Without an Itemized Bill You’re allowing Whoever You’re dealing with to Exploit the shit out of the Situation by taking You for all Your fucking worth.

Now since the Dawn of Hospitals They have been seriously going out of Their way to give Patients the Royal Runaround Routine until You get Too Tired, To Exhausted, Too Pissed Off, or Plain just give the fuck up. The Question is Why? You paid a Handsome amount of Money so why would Hospitals make it insanely Difficult to get an itemized Copy of the Services You have Already fucking Paid For? The Reason is its No Secret that Hospital Charges are Outrageous, but They are so fucking Outrageous They don’t want You to Know How Much They Ripped You Off for. I think its safe to say Most of Us have seen one of the Countless Stories online posted by Patients chronicling and exposing Unbelievably Expensive Charges on Their Hospital Bill (Example: A Patient in NJ finally received his itemized Hospital Bill and saw They Changed Him $230 for a fucking 25 centToothbrush).

In the Age of the Internet Where Social Media is King making the Power of Word of Mouth even more Pivotal No One likes Bad Press. Especially Big Businesses who rely heavily on the Public for Their Income and let’s NOT FORGET Hospitals are BIG BUSINESSES Owned by LARGE CORPORATIONS. They damn well fucking Know if You see Your Itemized Bill then You’ll actually be able to see How Excessive and Greed Driven Their Charges really are. Their solution then is to give any Patient who requests an Itemized Bill the Run Around as Long as it takes for them to finally fuck off at last without EVER receiving the Itemized Bill. They Bounce You around from Department to Department, Tell You a Supervisor will call You Back with Clarifications (Big Surprise They NEVER call You), They will Mail it to You (Again They hangup and Simply Don’t Mail a Damn fucking Thing. Basically if They can’t frustrate You into giving Up, They try and Placate the Shit Out of You knowing that They have Absolutely No fucking Intention of Actually Helping You. They Tell You what You want to hear, hang up, and immediately forget about You.

I’ve been locked in this Battle with My Local Hospital for and I kid You Not OVER A FUCKING YEAR trying relentlessly but in vain to get a fucking Itemized Copy of My Bill. I have been Run Around like a motherfucker, Bullshitted, Placated, Apologized to, and Assured I would in fact receive My Bill which for the Record was a BOLD FACED LIE. I made 7 requests to have My records mailed to me (Hospitals intentional do not use the Internet for Billing just everything fucking else but Conveniently for them Not Billing), and was told Numerous Times that a Supervisor would call me back in 10-14 fucking days. Thats right I had to wait 2 motherfucking weeks, and like I said earlier They never fucking called and never intended too.

The Only Other Option to receive a Bill is By Fax like its 1986 or some shit can You say Outdated Tech?!! I because its fucking 2020 do not own or have direct access to a Fax Machine (Honestly I was surprised They still made fucking Fax Machines since I figured No One Used Them Nowadays), but I refused to Give Up and Let These Greedy fucking Bastards Win by wearing Me Out into Submission. Usually the People You’re referred to in Your quest for an itemized Bill are in fact Suborn, Abrasive, Standoffish, Aggressive, and Down Right Total Assholes. This I’m sure is Part of the Hospital’s Ongoing Scam because who wants to deal with a total dick? No fucking One thats goddamn Who.

Today I hit the Preverbal One in a Million and had a Woman Who actually Attempted to Help Me though She couldn’t actually get Me My Bill. She said as I stated Earlier that Mailing Doesn’t Work and I told Her I was Well fucking aware and that the whole thing is a fucking Scam from the Get Go. She also Admitted Supervisors don’t do a goddamn thing as Far as Customer Service of Any Kind as they Spend Their Days Holed Up in their fucking Offices Cowering Behind Their fucking Desks like a Bunch of Bureaucratic Paper Pushing Sons of Bitches. She went on to inform Me if I wanted a chance in Hell of actually getting an Itemized Bill I’d have to use the Fax Option. I then informed Her I lack the Time Machine I’d need to travel back in time to 1986 to get a Fax Machine and transport it back 34 years into the fucking Present.

She said I could go to a Store like Office Max or fucking Staples OR I could go to the Physical Hospital Itself and use Their Fax Machine. I was confused by the Receiving a Fax of My Bill when if I am at the Hospital they have a fucking Billing Department and ask what the fuck that was about. Apparently the Actual Hospital’s Billing Department Doesn’t have My Bill an operate Billing Department in another fucking state are the ones who are in possession of My Bill. My Question then is what the fuck are the cocksuckers in the Hospital’s Billing Department do all fucking Day Long if They don’t seem to do any actual do anything Billing related?!

I told the Woman while I appreciated Her so called Help and Information pertaining to My Bill that I simply didn’t Trust a fucking word out of Anyone who Works Directly for or a Third Party Employed by said Hospital fucking said. I went on to explain that I had a sneaking suspicion that if I went to a Store like Office Max then The Hospital would suddenly come up with a reason why they aren’t allowed to send faxes to Public Places of Business. That or if I went to Directly to the Hospital that They would either Tell Me No right Out or Worse Have ME wait for Someone who isn’t coming until I get tired of sitting in the lobby and go the fuck Home. At that Point We had reached an Impass since I still had No Personal Fax Machine, No Faith in the Hospital what so fucking ever, and She couldn’t send Me a copy of My bill without a Fax Number.

I then spent the next several minutes pacing like a Caged Animal on the Verge of a Psychotic Break and talked the situation over with My Awesome Wife. Luckily 2020 Technology it turns out provided a Back Door Option, as I should have Guessed. You see its 2020 so if You need a Fax Machine for some reason Theres an App for that and I downloaded it. After I installed it and it was up and running I called the Hospital back repeated My Ongoing request for an Itemized Bill, and That I had a Private Fax Number to send it to. The Second Lady I talked to tried to end the call by telling Me that She would put in a Mailing Request (Yeah My Ass) and I stopped Her in Her Tracks. I informed Her I had a Fax Number and would be using the Fax My Bill Option, but Not only that I wanted to be on the Phone as She Faxed it. I wasn’t about to have Them Yes ME to Death and Like the Phone Calls or Mail where They promise They’ll take care of it only then to play the “What do you mean You didn’t get it, We totally sent it.” run around bullshit. I wanted Confirmation that She faxed My Bill on the fucking Spot as I wasn’t about to give these slippery sacks of shit a chance to fuck me over again.

So after 15 Months I received My Copy of My Itemized Bill, mind You I haven’t looked at it yet as I’ve had enough Blood Pressure Aggravating shit for one fucking Day. I wouldn’t’ be surprised that there is a “Look at this Bullshit” post in the Immediate Future once I actually Lay Eyes on the Information.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

WITHDRAWALS OF THE MISUNDERSTOOD PART 3

Today was really lame. I thought I would be accomplishing a good deal but it turns out that is not what fate had in the cards.

I mean I did happen to take a walk outside for the first time in about a year and did some HIIT for a full 8 minutes. However sadly both were cut short due to wardrobe malfunctions.

The first malfunction was 100% my fault. I did complete 80% of my planned walk. My pants only completed about 50%. Everything is too big. I’m a poor judge of clothing size everything looks elephant like but then it still falls off my fat hippo ass.

The other malfunction, while partially my fault, I can handle easily. Bad battery in heart rate monitor. It felt weird that my HR was 91 the entire workout and then I tried fixing things and it bungled up more than before. Thank god for amazon.l, battery probably just dead.

I ended up smoking again but have a plan for this weekend. Straight up leaving my car at my parents house, doing 3 days of a nicotine patch and then going cold turkey. The coffee while it sometimes makes me sick will be tapered down at that point.

There was going to be a story about a former therapist however after further review I will not get into it. Instant replay has confirmed that she is/was a Karen.

Ugh…. wasted day. It’s about to be the second night of buttered herbal tea. At least it tastes amazing.

By Spacedog

WITHDRAWALS OF THE MISUNDERSTOOD PART 2

So today September 1st was supposed to be day 2 or 3 or something of no cigarettes and coffee. Let me explain what happened. I got a heavy spurge of motivation after my cup of coffee yesterday. So I decided to clean like it was no one’s business. Now I knew for sure I was not going to find something like a bottle of booze or pills or illegal drugs. But what I did find was 5 different cigarettes (in 5 different places nonetheless). They were stale so then I needed coffee.

Now to be quite honest, the 2019 version of me would have seen all these circumstances as the most absolutely wonderful reason to have some alcohol. For a split second I thought about buying beer because that once helped my stomach but then I remember the last time I consumed it. Splitting headache, feeling of wanting to vomit after the first sip, chest tightness, stomach cramps. It was definitely one of the easiest voices to shut off in my head on record.

So I bought a pack. I only have one part of my bedroom left where anything dangerous could be lurking. The most I will possibly find is one cigarette or two, but I figured I might as well clean every last butt along with every last hidden can of beer (all long ago empty).

I figured out what was making me so ill feeling was ketoacidosis. I am so glad I bought this guy.

My non-fasting blood sugar was 70. I literally took 2 sips of Gatorade and felt instant relief. I then realized I’m going to have to consume a lot more carbs without the cigarettes. You see there is one funny thing that is contained in cigarette filters of all kinds. Sugar or a sugar substitute. Now I fully know that while I am not consuming a whole heck of a lot of sugar through this inhalation process there absolutely has to be some getting down there.

It’s weird when I did the Wendy’s cleanse (which is basically just 2 pounds of Wendy’s consumed over 2 days without bread, sauces,condiments. Just meat and cheese (optional.) last week it was the best I have felt in months. This time I guess I wasn’t all that deficient in what the beef has to offer and I just feel moderately good today, just feel heavy. I don’t know. Just know that tomorrow I’m going to hop onboard this quit show again. Maybe not the coffee this time. If I can stick to one or two, I think I am going to do that.

Yet for as nicotine-fitty and awful as I was feeling yesterday I did at least find something to potential explain my kale vomit extravaganza.

Health Dangers of Cruciferous Vegetables

So yeah goodbye broccoli, kale, and cauliflower. I really cannot say I will miss you very much. May my spirit guide give me strength that my sister not cuss me out when I send her the link. I just try to look out for her because of a recent kidney infection but she honestly will never listen to my health advice until it is too late. I am fully prepared for this and for her untimely death before mine. It is what it is.

The only person I can help is myself when it comes down to it. I really feel I should clean more but I’m not sure I really want another 15,000 steps around my house today. Need to slow my roll a bit with weight loss. Anyway I will be back tomorrow with more ominous health links and ramblings.

By Spacedog

WITHDRAWALS OF THE MISUNDERSTOOD PART 1

Hey Spacedog here….

It’s been a while. There was not going to originally be a post until next week but I just decided yesterday that enough was enough. What is it that I am coming off of you ask?

Well first off, my absence from here is mostly pandemic related. Out of all the billions of individuals in the world, I am probably in the top 1% of people with insane paranoid reactions. Eventually though I kinda grew to like it. I got to wear a mask so no one would know who I was. I didn’t have to worry if suddenly after 8 years of grand mal seizures today would be the day and I’d go straight into the Delaware River on my way to my doctor’s office. And I didn’t have to have any house guests! I became the Maybelline Girl. Maybe she’s born with it maybe it’s Maybelline! I was born for this.

Anyway….

So I’ve got to say I have been quite a bit off about one thing I have been telling people recently. My sobriety date from alcohol…. I really thought I drank this year. Nope the receipts clearly show November 17, 2019. Not that the difference between that and February 1st really matters much to me. All I know is the last 3 times I drank were rum, beer, and sparkling seltzer in that order. The rum tasted stale so I ended up dumping 4 ozs of a 14 oz bottle. The beer I ended up having to just toss after 5 of 12 because frankly it made me feel beyond shitty. As for the sparkling seltzer it was surprisingly good but actually still made me feel awful afterwards. Most of these manifestations I describe above were physical.

I sorta just quit. I did not need any bells and whistles or pats on the back. I kinda just did it on my own and it was mine and mine alone. No one could brag about how wonderful of a person they were to get me sober (while doing meth on the side, thanks AA Sponsor #6) or how they were so vital to my recovery (Here looking at you Sponsor #4, enjoy the oxys). Frankly I just did not care anymore. I guess I’m at day 275 or 276 or something for those who are counting. Frankly I’m not…..

So what is it I am coming off of right now? It’s nothing sexy or dangerous like meth or heroin or molly or crack or coke. Just some plain old cigarettes and coffee.

I can honestly say I feel entirely better than I thought I would at this point. I am a master at coming off of drugs, but sadly I am a bit rusty. I feel between all the antidepressants, heroin (several times), alcohol, and mood stabilizers I have been in this moment at least 30 different occasions before.

This occasion is really mild. The heroin was the worst by far but only when I was snorting it. I honestly only even got minor withdrawal no matter how much I shot. Alcohol I had about 2 Leaving Las Vegas spells in my 20s, but not really any withdrawal other than that.

The anti-depressants quite honestly to me were the biggest joke as well as the hardest legal drugs I have ever had to come off of. Depakote, lithium, effexor, paxil, prozac, seroquil, serzone. A laundry list of harm to me. Suicidal, emotionless, too much fake joy, sexless, mania, and winner winner chicken dinner homicidal respectively.

I seriously called poison control when it came to the Serzone. I kept thinking of what kind of knives my neighbors had and what it would be like to use them. And my nails look like I applied a bright coat of dark pink nail polish. P Control literally had no idea how to help me with what was going on. I called my friend Seth on the phone a few minutes later and he informed me he was on that garbage and to have some milk. A minute later my nails returned to normal, my thoughts came back shortly after.

Honestly coffee was going to be a battle for next week to give up but as I settled in on my couch at home I smelled the faint scent of flowers. It was mostly roses but maybe some lavender or lilac. I usually get this when my spirit guide is nearby. Anyway so I figured I’d just go to bed. At 6pm.

Then woke up at 130 and started writing this blog. I think I wholeheartedly can say that 1:30AM is a shitty ass time to wake up. I suppose this would be the absolute perfect time to wake up if I were say a rapist. Boom sober, boom bar, boom victim and whatever else rapey people do in between. Spray themselves down with the most vile of scents. I’m sure there are nice smelling rapists but frankly none of my rapists were Glade Scent Stories inspired. Obscure reference I know…. glade scent stories were this little thing that looked like a CD Walkman and you put the CD in and it would through a few scents per CD.

Physically though I’m feeling pretty good all things considered. I was highly disappointed that I was not able to pick out any online courses last evening but if my path is less than 24 hours off I really shouldn’t let myself worry too much. I really am not missing the cigarettes a whole lot especially without that stupid nicotine patch making my arm itch like crazy.

Coffee…. well I’ve just been trying to find any and all negative information. All I know is it comes from a plant and well I am inching oh so close to the Carnivore Diet or something similar. I still haven’t felt right since I juiced kale, zucchini, brocolli and lime. It tasted terrible. Rape victim of the jolly Green Giant terrible. Threw up 30 minutes later and passed out for 2.5 hours after.

So coffee….wheeeeee….. I probably should have tapered off down to 1 cup a day before I quit but I’m always up for a bigger challenge and a better suffering at this point. I’ve been drinking 3-5 cups a day for a few weeks. All this self imposed lockdown, this suffering, this absence of bliss will pay off in spades one day I tell myself.

I just don’t want to be half sober. I feel all of these people out there in Alcoholics Anonymous and all these other recovery programs are the biggest bunch of hypocrites on the planet. They are following around a plan based on 80 years of complete horseshit and pseudoscience. I guess I get it though. Most people are too weak and broken to get better on their own. They never seek their answers within and only rely on outside counsel. They drink coffee like fish, chain smoke like the marlboro man, and eat some of the worst cookies on the planet. Like seriously maybe I hadn’t been to a meeting in a while, but Chips Ahoy?

I see most of these people now for what they truly are. A bunch of dry drunks going around who like to preach to others because it gives them a sense of self importance. My way or the highway they say.

The absolute funniest thing about these people is they will engage you in normal conversation until you mention that you are not in AA. It’s like I single-handedly broke the matrix somehow. Seriously far more people get sober when not in this archaic broken program. The effectiveness is probably somewhere between aspirin between the knees and self baptism in your favorite local polluted body of water. I guess I shouldn’t knock anyone though it’s just frustrating.

I was put on this Earth to help others and sometimes I think the only way I am going to be able to do it is lie my teeth off. Sure I can lie my teeth off if I meet you somewhere by random chance….. like if I needed to come up with a BS story for my Grubhub driver or a grocery store clerk. When it comes to write though I don’t have that luxury. It’s just not in my blood. Brutal honesty or no writing. Only two options here.

But the moral of the story is it is only day 2 and day 1. cigarettes and coffee. It would be nice to be able to honestly just listen in to an AA meeting but I know I am not welcome at any. Well of course I am just not one meeting in particular I went to drunk because my wonderful sponsor #3 thought that Tori Amos concerts were going to somehow involve me shooting meth and going to circuit parties.

man I pick the winners! I seriously hope I don’t pick a husband as poorly one day as these sponsors. My award-winning sponsor picking is literally on par with Larry King and his fantastic wife picking. (I have no idea who any of his wives are, but I just assume if that many people would willing marry someone he either has a giant penis or a giant bank account) .

Gotta pick courses now will post tomorrow if I am not dead already.

By Spacedog

The Upside of SARS

Before there was the Corona Virus and CORVID-19 the World had to Worry about it was SARS. For those who may Not Know nor Remember Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome or SARS is a Contagious and Sometimes Fatal Illness Caused by a Coronavirus. SARS appeared in China in 2002 and it Spread Worldwide within a Matter of Months though it was Quickly Contained. There has been No Known Transmission of SARS has occurred since 2004.

Now that in 2020 the Entire World is Faced with the Coronavirus COVID-19 which like SARS Originated in China. This time the Chinese were Well Prepared to handle the Outbreak and Spread of COVID-19 because of Their previously having dealt with SARS. Armed with Their Prior Knowledge on How to Prevent or Slow the Spread of a New Super Virus the Chinese have set the Standard for how to Deal with the Current COVID-19 Pandemic (or Any Future Epidemic or God Forbid a Future Pandemic as Well).

The System the Chinese have is Simple and Straight forward in its Execution. Every Person who enter ANY and All Buildings are Screened and Their Temperature is Taken, and if Someone has a Fever They are Immediately sent to what is referred to as a Fever Clinic. Once Someone arrives at a Fever Clinic They are Quarantined and Tested right away. Unlike in America where Tests take 1 or 2 Days to get the Results the Chinese Fever Clinic get Their results in just 4 Hours. If a Person at a Fever Clinic Tests Positive They are again Immediately transported to an Isolated Quarantine away from the Populous. Once at said Location the Patients are Treated while in Quarantine, and once They Test Negative and with a Doctor’s Clearance are Released. This severely inhibits the said Viruses Spread keeping Casualties to a Bare Minimum as a Vaccine is Developed.

Meanwhile in America due to Trump being the Fat, Greedy, and Utterly Ignorant Cunt are 8 Weeks behind the Rest of the World in Dealing with CORVID-19. We don’t have nearly enough Tests, and the Results take up to 2 Days, We have a shortage of Medical Supplies that are Needed to Combat a Viral Outbreak at a Pandemic Level, and a State of Emergency was only called for 72 hours ago. Not to mention Trump the Vile Orange Cunt cut funding to the Center for Disease Control (CDC) and Fired the Pandemic Specialist at the CDC, HE FUCKING LIED HIS FAT FUCKING ASS OFF. He knowingly spread Misinformation, Propaganda, Conspiracy Theories, Denial, and Countless fucking Lies. Trump’s Asshole Actions Resulted in the American CORVID-19 Pandemic Crisis We are currently facing, and CAUSED THE UNNECESSARY SPREAD OF COVID-19 that KILLED AMERICAN CITIZENS .

Why You might wonder well Trump is a Fat Greedy Fucker who was willing to put Personal Profits over the American People. Cocksucker Trump didn’t want to Lose Money so He Sacrificed American’s Safety and Lives to do so. THIS IS PROOF TRUMP THE CORRUPT CUNT AND THE TRUMP ASS KISSING REPUBLICAN SCUMBAG SYCOPHANTS care more about Their Bank Account and Stock Portfolios more than America or Americans. The Punishment of Execution should be a simple and Straight Forward as the Chinese Method of Viral Outbreak Containment.

Trump The Obese Piece of Shit, His Asshole Administration, and Any/All of His GOP Supporters should be Removed from Office. Once Removed They should all be Tried for Crimes Against Humanity, Convicted, and SENTENCED TO DEATH. The Death Sentence would be Carried Out in Public (and Streamed Live) Immediately following the Verdict without a Single Appeal Provided. The Guilty are sentenced to Death by being HUNG, DRAWN, AND QUARTERED since a Quick Demise is far to Good for These Greedy Shitfucks They should Suffer First.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

How Is That Dog Not Dead?!

Back when I was a Kid about once a Year or So My Family would load up in the Car and Head to Maine for a Week Long Get a Way. My Parents would rent a House along with Their Friends The Higgins (who had Two Kids yet They were Much Older than Me so They weren’t around A lot), and We would all meet up at the Rental House on the designated Date of Arrival. We wouldn’t do any type of Touristy Cliche Family Oriented bullshit We just enjoyed Nature and Each others Company. It was a Simpler Time for Sure.

This was back in the Day before Dog Boarding became a Trend so My Family would take Our Golden Retriever Tasha along for the Trip with Us. The only issue with having the Tasha with Us on these Trips was She suffered from Extreme Separation Anxiety. Again this was back when People didn’t know what Separation Anxiety even was and, People were Baffled to why They’re Dog’s were being so Neurotic and Destructive. The problem at hand caused Tasha to flip the fuck out when We left the House without Her and She’d bolt around the House knocking over furniture, Breaking Shit, and Chewing the Front Door Frame like a Starving Piranha.

Thats wasn’t all it didn’t end with just the Typical Separation Anxiety Behavior like I said earlier Tasha was afflicted with a Extreme Case of Separation Anxiety which caused Her insane Behavior to Escalate beyond belief. Once Tasha had gotten Her self completely Frantic She would actually JUMP THROUGH A WINDOW like some sort of Action Movie. Thus during one of Our later Trips to Maine My Parents and Their Friends went around the Entire House Barricading the Windows like something out of a fucking Zombie Movie. They Blocked Windows with Bookcases and Over Turned Tables among other things until the House felt more like fucking Fort Knox. Satisfied the Dog and House were Safe and Secure We all went out for Dinner at a Local Restaurant without a second thought.

After having Stuffed Ourselves on Lobster and Other types of Maine’s wonderfully Fresh Seafood We headed directly back to the Rental House. When We arrived My Parents were thrilled to see the House hadn’t been Trashed (just minority discombobulated), and there was No Sign of Damage to the Door due to Frenzied Chewing. Everyone was so elated by the fact the House and all its windows were in Tact No One Noticed that Tasha who normally would bum rush Us upon Our return was No Where to be Found. Slowly the Our Group spread Out to investigate, and as the search continued there still was not a single sign of the Dog. My Father then speculated that Tasha being unable to escape by jumping through a fucking Window as Per Usual had retreated Upstairs to hide under a Bed or in a Closet instead.

My Father promptly went up stairs to see if His Hypothesis was indeed correct, but the Dog still remained Illusive as Ever. In a matter of no time at all Everyone was upstairs searching under beds, in Closets, under/in piles of discarded Clothes, Bath Tube, and anywhere They could think of that the Dog possibly could be. Again the Search turned up nothing at all and now Everyone felt as if They were losing Their fucking Minds. Everyone split up after the Upstairs Search Party to continue to Search for the Missing Dog. It wasn’t soon before everyone was strolling around the House utterly Befuddled by it all. Everyone of Us ended up pacing around asking questions out loud like “Did We Lock the Back Door?”, “Where could Tasha Be?”, “Where did the Dog disappear to?”, “This doesn’t make sense!” and other such questions.

We were so Confused We unofficially ended Our Search to stand around to staring at one another in a Haze Dumbfounded as Fuck. Now Unfortunately it was son many Moons ago I don’t remember exactly Who Discovered what had Happened to the Mysteriously Missing Canine. All I remember is some one Shouting that they had found out what Happened so the rest of Us once again ran up stairs to see what was going on. The second story of the House had a pretty Basic You went up a stare case and once at the top of the Stairs if You looked directly in front of You there was a Long Narrow Hallway with a Natural Wood Floor that reminded Me of looking down a Bowling Ally Lane. On each side of the Hallway there were Two Bedrooms, and if You looked behind You when You were standing in said Hallway You’d see the Bathroom at one End and a Single Window at the Other.

When We all clamored upstairs We were informed that the Dog Tasha had in fact Jumped out of the SECOND STORY Hallway Window. We all instantly looked in the Direction of the Window, and it was indeed Broken like a motherfucker. To make things even more Grim below the Hallway Window was the Front Door where the Owner had installed a rather Large Cement Slab to serve as a Rudimentary Porch/Sitting Area. At that point We had to come to grips with the Sad Fact that Tasha had Jumped out of the Second Story Window (with No Way of Clearing the Cement Slab), and Limped or Crawled Off into the Woods to Die as Dogs are apt to do. The rest of the Night We all sat around forlorn as fuck, and in total disbelief at the situation We had returned to after a Nice Dinner Out. Finally We all concluded it was a freak accident, We were all upset by the series of Events that occurred, and that tomorrow would be a New Day and so We went to Sleep.

My Father had a Life Long Habit of waking up Before the Crack of Dawn Typically around 4:30am while the Rest of Us continued to Slumber for Several more Hours. Once My Father had made His mandatory Cup of Coffee He went to retrieve the Morning Paper, and when He opened the Door the Dog was Sitting there waiting. Not only was Tasha Alive and waiting for My Father to get the Paper She didn’t have a single scratch, Bruise, Not even a Limp after Jumping out the Second Story Window onto a Concrete fucking Slab. When the Rest of Us arose at Last We were treated to this splendid tale of Tasha’s miraculous (and equally unreal) Return.

Tasha lived out the Rest of Her life without issue and passed at the Ripe Old Age of 14, and until the Day I Die I will never forget Tasha the Luckiest Dog to have Lived in My mind. A Few Years after this volatile vacation We had phased out Our Periodic Trips to Maine but not due to this Incident. It was more than likely due to My Parents Dear Friend Don (who had Moved to Maine with His Wife after He retired from Teaching), and previous Colleeg Pasted of Natural Causes aka Old Age. Thus Maine has a Special place in My Fondest Memories because Alls Well That Ends Well as They Say.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

My Wife Took Me To Dinner In Hell

As I have mentioned several times before I’m not a Social Person and I generally find People to be Disappointing Overall. Thats why I detest Crowds be they Smaller or Larger, Sports Bars, Waiting on/in Line, Waiting Rooms, Traffic of Any Kind, Other Driver’s (I think most People don’t know dick about Driving), Movie Theaters, House or Large Parties, Festivals, County Fairs, Clubs, Restaurants, and All that Other Out and About Bullshit People are Into.

So when My Wife gets an Opportunity to Drag Me Away from My Extreme Reclusive Tendencies She takes it in a fucking Heart Beat. This was the Case Not too Long ago when Our Brother in Arms N@P Stopped by to Visit in route to the Great White North My Wife was presented such an Opportunity. My Wife who is Out Going and Much More Social than I am Exploited the fact N@P is just as Out going as She to Stack the Odds in Her Favor. The easiest way to get Me to agree to something is to make it Food Related. It’s the most Admittedly Easiest way to Manipulate Me into Participating in any Act of Social Conformity. Access to Alcohol (especially Beer) is an Equally Effective form of Manipulation because I like Beer so when Someone says Something like “Let’s get a Beer” or “Let Me Buy you a Beer” or “Let’s go to the Bar” how can I Ultimately complain?! I just think to Myself sure why not at least if it Sucks I can have a fucking Beer and feel better about the Bullshit Situation.

Knowing My Achilles Heel suggested We go out and get a Bite to Eat, and Low and behold She had a Restaurant already in Mind. Since N@P and I had downed a couple of Beers I was more susceptible to the Power of Suggestion so I asked what kind of fucking Restaurant was it that She had in Mind? My Wife Replied that it was a Mexican Restaurant that She had never been to, BUT Once in a While at Work My Wife and Her Co-Works will Order Lunch and Picked it Up (aka Fancy Man’s Take Out). I thought it be pretty fucking cool to have a chance to Eat some actual Authentic Mexico Food instead of the Americanized Taco Bell Version for a change so off We went. You see N@P is so goddamn Fluidly Zen on All Levels that He was up for Anything. We could have the World’s Most Expensive Caviar at a Michelin Star Restaurant or Eating $1 Hotdogs from a Cart standing on the Street N@P would be equally as Happy.

When We pulled up to the Rather Large Restaurant the first fucking thing I noticed was the Parking Lot was full as fuck. In fact it looked as if it was so fucking full the Overflow was parking along a Vacant Lot which currently was a plain grass Field. This immediately made Me Unamused as now not only was it a Restaurant it was a Packed as Hell Restaurant thus inevitably be Crowded as it possible could be. This meant there could be a long wait which in My mind was just just Insult to Injury really. Not only that but with a Crowded Restaurant its Loud so Back Round Noise is a Big Old Bitch, and wherever I sit be it at a Table or Booth or at the Bar I feel fucking Surrounded like I’m fucking Boxed in. Lastly I also seriously prefer to be sitting with My back to the Wall where I can see the the Door in particular as well as the rest of the Restaurant.

My assumptions in the parking lot were Dead on Accurate yet that wasn’t all there was an Extra Asshole Bonus awaiting Us lurking just inside the Front fucking Doors. The waiting room was Impressively Large and filled with fucking Customer’s standing essentially shoulder to shoulder like Human Cattle. The problem as it turned out was there wasn’t an Ounce of Organization in the Place at least We sure as Hell didn’t see it.

Not only were People entering and Exiting the Restaurant in Significant Numbers there was also the Current Customers trying to Navigate through in Search of their Table or perhaps the Restroom. In addition to all that crap there was No designated System for Customer to check out efficiently as the Cash Registers where crammed into the Farthest corner of the Room. That and apparently form any sort of Line was out of the fucking Question as People looking to Pay just lingered around like a School of Confused fucking Fish.

To make things more Chaotic the Restaurant apparently didn’t have a Bar so there wasn’t an Option to wait to be seated in the Bar which is an insanely great idea in General. Luckily they did serve Beer so that was a kind of crappy consolation prize in My opinion since I’d have to wait to be seated before I could order a Beer. Lastly the WaitingArea/ Lobby has a Very High Ceiling and Bare Walls (which were painted a lovely shade Of Refried Bean Baby Shit) so all the annoying noise was amplified by 2. As I was about to hit My breaking Point and was about to come completely unhinged I noticed My Wife had a rather confused look on Her face. Apparently the Hostess had shoved Her way through the Horde of Dinners to let Us know Our table was ready and to Follow Her, BUT in the Middle of all the Bullshit My Wife was the only one who heard her. It didn’t help that the Hostess did a walk by and kept walking and disappeared back into the Hungry Horde of Customers.

Now from the Outside the Restaurant looked like Your Typical Open Floor Plan, but once You entered the Building You realize that is comprised of a Maze of Small Dinning Rooms that twists and Turns like Mating Snakes. Once We were seated I looked around the Room looking at the Decor which was Insane it looked like the most Generic and Mildly Racist Interior Design I have ever fucking witnessed. I felt like I was eating in the World’s Shittiest Amusement Park or Perhaps a fucked up County Fair. There were Fake Windows and Aesthetic Awning complete with a Door (as well as windows on each side)I suppose to imitate Mexico Architecture, yet it just made it feel like a Second Rate Fun House. At one Point My Wife pointed the Door Out and jokingly asked “Who Lives There?” to which I answered “The Devil since You brought Me to Hell” causing N@P to Laugh like a Hyena on Laughing Gas.

The Only other Decorative component of the Cramped little Dinning Room was a Rather Racist Depiction of a Mexican Man sitting on a Stool outside in a Farm Yard. The Man was sitting directly behind the a Saddle while holding the Reigns so for all intents and purposes made it look like the Man in the Picture was about to have Sex with the Saddle. This caused Me to Immediately dubbed the Picture/Depiction “The Saddle Fucker” again to the Great Delight of N@P.

The last Oddity I observed was a Decently sized Flat Screen with the Sound turned off without the Closed Caption turned on. Without the Subtitles on the bottom of the Screen there was No Way of Knowing what the hell anyone on the TV was saying. Not only that it was installed above any reasonable Sight Level so 90 plus Percent of the Small Dinning Room could even fucking See it to begin with. The Only Customers who could see the TV for all it was worth (which was Nothing) was Our Table and The One in front of it as well as the one behind it. It was also located in an Unusual Spot sitting to the Right of a Corner in the Room and was also slightly but noticeably Tilted.

A Extremely Pleasant Surprise after having to endure the Horrid Decor and Abominable Waiting Area was the Fact Our Waitress was Accessional. She wasn’t just attentive to Or Table, but She was Intuitive as well. What I mean by that is for example if Your Beer was almost done before You could even complete the Though “Oh Man I need a Beer so Time to do the Whole Wheres My Waitress?!” She had a Fresh Beer already on the Table. That attention to Detail is not only Admirable but far beyond rare in this Age of Shitty Customer Service Assholes.

The Other pleasant Surprise was the Food, it was Utterly Awesome to say the fucking least. The most interesting thing was something I have never experiences I have had the Pleasure of Having. I memory is shit but I ordered aSteak Burrito of some sort and when it arrived I was Genuinely Surprised. The Burrito was just that No Bullshit Garnish or Bells and Whistles pompous bullshit. What I mean is it wasn’t topped with Salsa and Guacamole and all the shit you see at Apple Bee’s or Chili’s. It was EXACTLY what I fucking ordered a Burrito. The Intriguing thing was instead of the bullshit stereotypical Burrito it was served in a Brown Gravy for lack of a better word. It was Truly Exquisite.

So in the End I who am NOT easily impressed in lou of all the shit I hated about it was glad I went. Ultimately the Kick Ass Customer Service, Awesome Food, and 33 Ounce Beers Won Me over Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Pressure Sales Are For Idiots, Imbeciles, and Assholes

I don’t know about You up I for One absolutely fucking Hate Pressure Sales made most Popular by Car Salesmen. I swear to God I have no fucking Idea WHY any Salesperson would think that a Good Sales Strategy to get in a Customer’s Face and Badger Them, Bullshit Them, Hassle Them, and Ignore what the Customer is Saying (Especially when the Customer pushes back or resisted the Salesperson’s Pitch). If I walk into any Place of Business and a Salesman runs up on Me with that fucking Smarmy Fake “I’m Your Friend, I’m here For You” Routine I immediately Walk Out. And to be utterly Honest Not only would I leave instantly at this point in My Life, but I’d Curse them out for being an Asshole just for being an Asshole at that Point.

Now recently though I honestly have No fucking Why because I have Great fucking Health Insurance and Thank fucking God for That. That Aside I have been getting way too Many Sales Calls from a Variety of Assholes trying to Sell Me fucking Health Insurance. I finally had enough and Cursed the Last Health Insurance Salesman to Hell and Back I assure You.

I then Started getting fucking Robo Calls Asking if I was interested in a Health Insurance Quote. I quite obviously selected Choice #2 The Opt Out Option, but I still received several additional Robo calls before They finally fucking Stopped. Needless to Say I was far from fucking Thrilled about the First Robo Calls continuing the Attempt for Some Shady Insurance Salesman Scumbag to Sell Me Health Insurance.

Then just a Couple of Days ago the Insurance Shits decided to Text Me Now which again is fucking Ridiculous as far as I’m concerned. I mean I didn’t want to Talk to Them, I Didn’t Opt to Talk to Them, so Why the fuck did They think Texting ME would Work?! Now obviously NOT an Actual Person I was exchanging the Following Texts with thats a Given. With that Said the Fact of the Matter is Someone (A Person) had to Program the Tech to Respond in the manner in which it did. That in My mind is Equally as Insane as a Real Person Texting Me this Happy Horseshit.

Anyways Heres the Text Exchange Verbatim:

Sales Bot: Hey Les! Hey this is the insurance enrollment center. Want to see if we can save you money on your current health insurance plan? Reply Stop if you do not need a Quote.

Les: STOP!

*3 Minutes Later and Guess Who Texting Me Yep You Got it, and while I’m at it I’d like to Point Out that the Alleged Company Name is/was The Insurance Enrollment Center at First may sound find First, BUT when You think about it for a minute it’s a Totally Bullshit Name. It’s the kind of Generically Vague yet somewhat smiler sounding names Indian Phone Scammers come up with to Use. Any which way I digress for Now.*

Sales Bot: Hey Les! Hey this is the insurance enrollment center. want to see if we can save you money on your current health insurance plan? Reply Stop if you do not need a quote.

Les: STOP! STOP! STOP! This is the fucking second fucking time I have replied fucking STOP so STOP ASSHOLES.

Sales Bot: I understand, but a few minutes of your time could save you over $100 per month in healthcare costs. Is now a good time to call?

Les: FUCK OFF CUNTS!

Sales Bot: Thank you for your time. If you would like a healthcare quote, give us a call at this number and we go over your options. You will receive no further communication from us.

Les: Fuck You.

Again I have No fucking Clue Why someone would Program a Bot or Algorithm bullshit to ignore the Potential Customer even when Verbally Assaulted with virtually anything more than The Foulest of Words. Also if You noticed They kept trying to Sell Me on Their So Called Services all the way to the Absolute End. They leave off reminding Me first and Foremost that if I need Health Insurance to Give Them a Call. What the Fuck.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

One of the Strangest Things I’ve Ever Been Part Of

I was on the Phone the Other Day catching up the Other Day with None Other than the Infamously Infamous SpaceDog who I hadn’t Talked with in Quite Awhile. SpaceDog and I were doing what We always do Talk Shit, Mock Shit We Dislike, Swapping Stories, Sharing Ideas, Collaborating on Projects, Laughing Our Asses Off, Scouring the World with Sarcasm, Catching Up on Current Events, and General Venting.

All of a Sudden Someone using the Name John Drummond called Me which is already odd because I don’t know any asshole by the name of John Drummond. I mentioned the Name to Spacedog who cracked on the Guy’s Name using a Different Strokes TV Show Reference and that was the End of that. Not a minute Later I get a Text from John Drummond who apparently got My Voice Mail, Hung the hell up, and then Texted Me in lieu of Leaving a simple fucking Voicemail. Now it’s important to note I don’t use My Name on My Outgoing Voicemail, but We’ll circle around back to this a little later on. I Scanned the Text and updated Spacedog on the New Text Twist. The Text was pretty straightforward it said:

“I’m looking for The Owner of the Apartment Building in Camden SC” (SC the Abbreviation for South Carolina)

Now at a second glance this Mundane Message appears to be a Bit Bizarre starting with the Fact He Never Used His Name as in “Hi I’m John Drummond….” which You would definitely expect from a Business Call. Second He never used (or asked for that matter) what the fuck My Name was this was the Vaguest Communication I have come across. I informed Spacedog that this was just to fucking weird to Let Go, and that I was going to Set up a Conference Call with Spacedog and then Call this Mr. John Drummond.

Unfortunately I fucked the Conference Call deal up, but I didn’t want to hang up on the John Drummond Number just Yet. As the phone is ringing John septs Me a Second Text stating: “Sorry I can’t Talk Right Now.” which was Weird because He had just tried to reach Me twice via the Phone and then Immediately with the follow up Text moments after hanging up on My Voicemail. I decided to stay on the Phone a minute longer to see if John had an actual Voicemail of some sort or was it a Dummy Number that would Ring from here to Eternity with No Answer. I was surprised when I heard an Actual Message from Someone claiming He is John Drummond and I stopped listening and hung the fuck up.

So after conferring with Spacedog for a few Minutes We started to Brain Storm what could/would be the Creepiest and Unnerving Response to Text back (since I wasn’t done with this John Guy not as of Yet anyway). We came up with a Myriad of Ideas involving the Dark Web, Fraudulent Government Type Messages from places like Area 51, Fake Sales Calls for Pudd Puller Ince, and More. I was worried We were wasting too much time fucking around so I wrote back the most Basic Text as Humanly Possible “Can You Text?”. Again I never gave My Name nor did I usedHis I just texted back just those Three Words. Spacedog and I continued Our previous conversation before being interrupted by this John Character.

According to the Time Linked with the Individual Text John returned/responded to My Text exactly One Minute Later with a Text that read “On the phone will call back in a Minute.” Spacedog and I were still trying to figure out what the fuck this was all about. You see My Phone has an Out of State Number I haven’t changed on Purpose. Like I’ve said before I’m a Very Private fucking Person so Anonymity is a Key Component of My Personal Privacy Plan. I had checked the Area Code from which John was attempting to reach Me and it was indeed a South Carolina Number, BUT it wasn’t a Camden SC Area Code.

This Meant apparently John was in South Carolina which is where He said He was looking for some Apartment Building Owner, BUT He was in calling from a Area Code just over 3 Hours away from Camden. That placed John in a Completely Different County in a Completely Different part of the State. This Too Seemed more than a little fucking Fishy to Me (as Well as Spacedog) though I couldn’t put My finger on it wasn’t sitting right with Me. And lets face it I was bringing to get a real fucking Kick out of this John-Apartment Owner Bullshit.

About 10-15 Minutes Pasted as Spacedog and I chatted Idly before low and behold John is back on the Line. I again try to Merge the two Phone Calls but being Hyper Focused on the Situation at Hand along with being Impatient (especially with Technology) I failed again to connect all Three of Us as it were. All I was concentrating on was being able to Talk to this Mysterious Fuckwit No Matter What happened along the fucking way. I answered the Phone without Formerly Introducing Myself as I didn’t say anything like “This is Les Sober..” or “Hello I’m Les Sober…” I just launched right into His inquiry .

Les: Hello.

John: I’m looking for the Owner of the Apartments in Camden Sc

(First John never said Hello and Second What was the Name of these Apartments? They should at least Go by their Address, but John wasn’t obviously one for Names nor Addresses).

Les: Thats Not Me.

John Repeating Himself: Oh I’m looking for the Owner of the Apartments in Camden Sc.

Les: Thats Not Me. I not who you’re looking for.

(Since he asked the same Question Twice in a fucking Row as if He was looking for some kind of Verification that I was not in fact the Owner of said Apartments. I saw an opening to continue this Adventure in the Absurd and took it.)

Les: Why are You asking

John: I’m a Multi Family Reality Management Investor. I’m looking into Future Investment Property Prospects and Possibilities in the Camden Area.

(I’m pretty damn certain He made up the fucking Job title as its insanely Pretentious, Long Winded, and when You stop to think about it a second You realize how fucking nonsensical the Title is. Not to mention John was trying WAY TOO FUCKING HARD to sound like an Educated and Authentic Businessman. Can You say Overkill?!)

Les: Well that doesn’t mean a Damn thing to Me.

John: Thanks for at least calling Back.

Les: *Hangs Up without saying Anything*

Now for the Life of Me even with Spacedog’s vital assistance We still haven’t been able to figure out the Facts be They Legit or Fraudulent. I fully believe that this was some sort of Shady fucking Scam call, and wasn’t real in Any way Whatsoever. Spcaedog is sticking with His Hypothesis that John is a Real Deal Realtor of some kind Who is interested in Buying these Apartments, and that the current Owner had Died. Now if this was the case then John was cold calling People with the name Last Name, BUT My phone is Registered in another State, and I sure as Hell don’t live anywhere Near this Camden South Carolina that’s for fucking Sure. So again Why would John have contacted Me? Again I’m certain it was a Scam and that the Scammer was New or just plain sucked at His fucking Shitty “Job”. I believe the Apartment and Fake Job Title were meant to Peak My Interest into asking questions about such Reality Investments because everyone is looking for a an Easy Money Scheme.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober