I just bought a new property somewhere in Podunkville East Cackalacki and hired a new contractor (not new per say he’s worked with my family on a myriad of projects, but this is the 1st time he will be working with us) named Rock EnRoll. When I was returning home I texted Rock the following text:
“The side gate by the pond in open”
All that meant was exactly what it said as its only value is face value.
Rock called back in less than 90 seconds and was all worked up talking so fast all I heard was his thick as tar southern accent. I was a tad bit stoned and rather exhausted so I handed the phone to my Wife stating to Rock she was the one who locked the property up.
As it turns out Rock doesn’t text and a rule of thumb is you shouldn’t text Rock. This is because in this small part of the country people keep their fucking cell phones in their pockets out in public (that includes placing their phone on table as if to say, “I swear I won’t check it every 2 fucking seconds to see if I got a text or a fucking FaceBook like for the picture of my goddamn dog in a cowboy hat.”) Now due to this technology differential Rock, among many if not almost all, have no idea or concept on/for interpreting the context of the text. I’ll explain.
Rock received the text, read it and interpreted it as some James Bond 007 super secret 911 code for an emergency AND he needed his help immediately. Why did he draw this conclusion I have truly no idea to be blatantly honest.
I mean when Rock read it did he possible think one or more of the following issues was at hand:
- My Wife or I had had a severe and most likely life threatening accident.
- There were hostile renegade poachers attacking from the cover of the woods.
- A Home Invasion was going down complete with guys in ski masks and machine guns
- My Wife and I were battling insane Moonshiner’s over still site(s)
- Ali Baba and his 40 thieves were attempting to steal shit.
- Wife and I were being “TAKEN” by Liam Neeson.
- Wife and I were being abducted by Aliens.
- Viciously rabid woodland creatures were surrounding my Wife and I.
- The house was engulfed in flame and my Wife and I were stuck upstairs.
- My Wife, The House and I were being swallowed up by a sinister sink hole.
- Leatherface was running at us with his Chainsaw revving up like a fighter jet engine.
- The Hills Have Eyes.
- Cannibals were trying to kill us and turn us into BBQ.
- Bigfoot was real and holding us hostage.
- My Wife and I were in fact secret agents for the CIA and were being targeted by either the drug cartels, mafias, gangs, terrorists or foreign evil governments, and needed impromptu assistancte/help.
That though is only the first part, the second being the gate open part. If we were in fact in immediate danger of some sort why the hell didn’t we say so?! You’d think in an emergency we’d texted “HELP!”, “HELP US”, “911 EMERGENCY!”, “ACCIDENT! Need Help” or “Come Quick we’re in life threatening danger!!” but I didn’t text anything remotely like that that could be misinterpreted or at least that what I thought when I sent the text.
What about the gate being open?! Did Rock think this message of the gate by the pond is open was code for “Help Us, Come Quick! the side gate is open so you can access the property and swoop in and save us from whatever the hell you think the trouble is!”
Well I will never know how a simple one sentence text was thought to be a coded plea for help in a direly dangerous and potentially violent emergency , BUT I did learned my lesson, NO MORE TEXTING ROCK.