As I have mentioned several times before I’m not a Social Person and I generally find People to be Disappointing Overall. Thats why I detest Crowds be they Smaller or Larger, Sports Bars, Waiting on/in Line, Waiting Rooms, Traffic of Any Kind, Other Driver’s (I think most People don’t know dick about Driving), Movie Theaters, House or Large Parties, Festivals, County Fairs, Clubs, Restaurants, and All that Other Out and About Bullshit People are Into.
So when My Wife gets an Opportunity to Drag Me Away from My Extreme Reclusive Tendencies She takes it in a fucking Heart Beat. This was the Case Not too Long ago when Our Brother in Arms N@P Stopped by to Visit in route to the Great White North My Wife was presented such an Opportunity. My Wife who is Out Going and Much More Social than I am Exploited the fact N@P is just as Out going as She to Stack the Odds in Her Favor. The easiest way to get Me to agree to something is to make it Food Related. It’s the most Admittedly Easiest way to Manipulate Me into Participating in any Act of Social Conformity. Access to Alcohol (especially Beer) is an Equally Effective form of Manipulation because I like Beer so when Someone says Something like “Let’s get a Beer” or “Let Me Buy you a Beer” or “Let’s go to the Bar” how can I Ultimately complain?! I just think to Myself sure why not at least if it Sucks I can have a fucking Beer and feel better about the Bullshit Situation.
Knowing My Achilles Heel suggested We go out and get a Bite to Eat, and Low and behold She had a Restaurant already in Mind. Since N@P and I had downed a couple of Beers I was more susceptible to the Power of Suggestion so I asked what kind of fucking Restaurant was it that She had in Mind? My Wife Replied that it was a Mexican Restaurant that She had never been to, BUT Once in a While at Work My Wife and Her Co-Works will Order Lunch and Picked it Up (aka Fancy Man’s Take Out). I thought it be pretty fucking cool to have a chance to Eat some actual Authentic Mexico Food instead of the Americanized Taco Bell Version for a change so off We went. You see N@P is so goddamn Fluidly Zen on All Levels that He was up for Anything. We could have the World’s Most Expensive Caviar at a Michelin Star Restaurant or Eating $1 Hotdogs from a Cart standing on the Street N@P would be equally as Happy.
When We pulled up to the Rather Large Restaurant the first fucking thing I noticed was the Parking Lot was full as fuck. In fact it looked as if it was so fucking full the Overflow was parking along a Vacant Lot which currently was a plain grass Field. This immediately made Me Unamused as now not only was it a Restaurant it was a Packed as Hell Restaurant thus inevitably be Crowded as it possible could be. This meant there could be a long wait which in My mind was just just Insult to Injury really. Not only that but with a Crowded Restaurant its Loud so Back Round Noise is a Big Old Bitch, and wherever I sit be it at a Table or Booth or at the Bar I feel fucking Surrounded like I’m fucking Boxed in. Lastly I also seriously prefer to be sitting with My back to the Wall where I can see the the Door in particular as well as the rest of the Restaurant.
My assumptions in the parking lot were Dead on Accurate yet that wasn’t all there was an Extra Asshole Bonus awaiting Us lurking just inside the Front fucking Doors. The waiting room was Impressively Large and filled with fucking Customer’s standing essentially shoulder to shoulder like Human Cattle. The problem as it turned out was there wasn’t an Ounce of Organization in the Place at least We sure as Hell didn’t see it.
Not only were People entering and Exiting the Restaurant in Significant Numbers there was also the Current Customers trying to Navigate through in Search of their Table or perhaps the Restroom. In addition to all that crap there was No designated System for Customer to check out efficiently as the Cash Registers where crammed into the Farthest corner of the Room. That and apparently form any sort of Line was out of the fucking Question as People looking to Pay just lingered around like a School of Confused fucking Fish.
To make things more Chaotic the Restaurant apparently didn’t have a Bar so there wasn’t an Option to wait to be seated in the Bar which is an insanely great idea in General. Luckily they did serve Beer so that was a kind of crappy consolation prize in My opinion since I’d have to wait to be seated before I could order a Beer. Lastly the WaitingArea/ Lobby has a Very High Ceiling and Bare Walls (which were painted a lovely shade Of Refried Bean Baby Shit) so all the annoying noise was amplified by 2. As I was about to hit My breaking Point and was about to come completely unhinged I noticed My Wife had a rather confused look on Her face. Apparently the Hostess had shoved Her way through the Horde of Dinners to let Us know Our table was ready and to Follow Her, BUT in the Middle of all the Bullshit My Wife was the only one who heard her. It didn’t help that the Hostess did a walk by and kept walking and disappeared back into the Hungry Horde of Customers.
Now from the Outside the Restaurant looked like Your Typical Open Floor Plan, but once You entered the Building You realize that is comprised of a Maze of Small Dinning Rooms that twists and Turns like Mating Snakes. Once We were seated I looked around the Room looking at the Decor which was Insane it looked like the most Generic and Mildly Racist Interior Design I have ever fucking witnessed. I felt like I was eating in the World’s Shittiest Amusement Park or Perhaps a fucked up County Fair. There were Fake Windows and Aesthetic Awning complete with a Door (as well as windows on each side)I suppose to imitate Mexico Architecture, yet it just made it feel like a Second Rate Fun House. At one Point My Wife pointed the Door Out and jokingly asked “Who Lives There?” to which I answered “The Devil since You brought Me to Hell” causing N@P to Laugh like a Hyena on Laughing Gas.
The Only other Decorative component of the Cramped little Dinning Room was a Rather Racist Depiction of a Mexican Man sitting on a Stool outside in a Farm Yard. The Man was sitting directly behind the a Saddle while holding the Reigns so for all intents and purposes made it look like the Man in the Picture was about to have Sex with the Saddle. This caused Me to Immediately dubbed the Picture/Depiction “The Saddle Fucker” again to the Great Delight of N@P.
The last Oddity I observed was a Decently sized Flat Screen with the Sound turned off without the Closed Caption turned on. Without the Subtitles on the bottom of the Screen there was No Way of Knowing what the hell anyone on the TV was saying. Not only that it was installed above any reasonable Sight Level so 90 plus Percent of the Small Dinning Room could even fucking See it to begin with. The Only Customers who could see the TV for all it was worth (which was Nothing) was Our Table and The One in front of it as well as the one behind it. It was also located in an Unusual Spot sitting to the Right of a Corner in the Room and was also slightly but noticeably Tilted.
A Extremely Pleasant Surprise after having to endure the Horrid Decor and Abominable Waiting Area was the Fact Our Waitress was Accessional. She wasn’t just attentive to Or Table, but She was Intuitive as well. What I mean by that is for example if Your Beer was almost done before You could even complete the Though “Oh Man I need a Beer so Time to do the Whole Wheres My Waitress?!” She had a Fresh Beer already on the Table. That attention to Detail is not only Admirable but far beyond rare in this Age of Shitty Customer Service Assholes.
The Other pleasant Surprise was the Food, it was Utterly Awesome to say the fucking least. The most interesting thing was something I have never experiences I have had the Pleasure of Having. I memory is shit but I ordered aSteak Burrito of some sort and when it arrived I was Genuinely Surprised. The Burrito was just that No Bullshit Garnish or Bells and Whistles pompous bullshit. What I mean is it wasn’t topped with Salsa and Guacamole and all the shit you see at Apple Bee’s or Chili’s. It was EXACTLY what I fucking ordered a Burrito. The Intriguing thing was instead of the bullshit stereotypical Burrito it was served in a Brown Gravy for lack of a better word. It was Truly Exquisite.
So in the End I who am NOT easily impressed in lou of all the shit I hated about it was glad I went. Ultimately the Kick Ass Customer Service, Awesome Food, and 33 Ounce Beers Won Me over Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels.
Thanks for Reading,
By Les Sober