A Short Note For Designer Mark C.

Dear Mark C.

I writing this today to let you know a shitty piece of spam you sent me caused a major MalWare issue for or at my Weblog f-yourblog, and as you may imagine I don’t appreciate that is the least.

This Note is to inform you that if I EVER find out the location you are at I will be there in a heartbeat to promptly stab you in the face with a rusty fork repeatedly until it looks like a Jackson Pollock painting.

Thanks for your time and attention in this matter

Have a Utterly and Totally Fucked Day Scumbag

ATTENTION READERS PROBLEM SOLVED

This is what happened in a nut shell. Some readers left comments saying they were experiencing some issue such as the Weblog not loading properly. I contacted my security provider and informed them there seemed to be an issue and they said they’d look into it.

Turns out some asshole designer named Mark C. sent some spam that not only contained MalWare but also managed to slip through a crack in my security. I then informed them that this was unacceptable and I would no longer be using their less then impressive services.

I immediately started researching web security companies until I found one that met my standards. I have hired a NEW SECURITY COMPANY and signed up for their Premium Package (which has aggressive protection software.) Now nothing is 100 but in all do favors they guarantee they can block 98.7% of the sleazy spam or bitch ass bots etc.

An unfortunate side effect is I apparently lost all previous comments that were left in the comments section. I am aware their are a good number of reader’s I had yet to respond to, and for that I am truly sorry. I will respond to comments from now on  in a much more timely manner.

I sincerely apologize for ANY and ALL inconvenience experienced by Readers and I assure you I will diligently keeping up with security as to avoid any/all future issues/problems/concerns.

Thank you for standing by as I weathered the storm.

Yours Truly,

Less Sober

The Id, Ego & Super Ego as Explained By Me Less Sober

The Principles of The Id,Ego and Super Ego construct was created by the acclaimed Godfather of modern Psychology the one and only Sigmund Freud. Now its a fairly well known fact that Freud prescribed cocaine as part of his patients therapy, but what is far lesser known is the fact Freud not only prescribed cocaine to his patients he also used cocaine. The question remains at what point in Freud’s carreer did his cocaine use affect and subsequently undermined his work. Lets face the facts, no one listens or believes the ramblings of a coke head no matter how smart they may have been before succumbing to the negative affects. So without further a due  here is the Id, Ego and Super Ego explained by yours truly.

The Id: First we start with what Freud referred to as a person’s Id. The Id is the part of a person that is primally hedonistic, its the part of a person that lives to drink,fight,fuck and indulge in any and all hedonistic activities no matter the consequences (consequences don’t exist in the Id’s world and if they did the Id wouldn’t care less about them)) If you think of the Id, Ego and Super Ego as members of the same family the Id would be the “Problem Child”operating with beyond ruthless abandon. The Id would be the wild younger brother who only gives a shit about himself and what he wants to do which is essentially to indulge deeply in pleasure seeking activities. The Id’s motto is “Long Live Me and Fuck Everyone who disagrees or tries to stop me!!!”

The Ego: The Ego is born from the so called wisdom of experience through the countless trials and tribulations that are life. The Ego is the Goodie-Goodie straight A over achiever older brother of the family. Being the “sensible one” puts the Big Brother Ego at constant odds with its younger brother the Id. The Ego’s job is to counter act the insanity of the Id at all costs. If the Id wants its entire face tattooed then the Ego must automatically stop the Id from doing so by dominating the outcome. Thus the relationship of the Id and Ego is a nonstop, full throttle, extremely intense, passionate and brutal argument over every subject under the sun in an eternal battle of wills.

The Super Ego: Now with the Id and Ego being in constant disagreement there is a need for The Super Ego or the Parental Figure of this little family. The Super Ego incorporates the learned values and morals of society, and acts mainly as a   referee meets politician meets police officer. The Super Ego’s job is to defuse conflict between the Id and The Ego and to broker a truce. If the Id is screaming bloody murder about a Full Face Tattoo, and the Ego is yelling at the top of its lungs that a facial tattoos are for degenerate criminal prone anti social cretins its the Super Ego that steps in. The Super Ego must find a acceptable compromise for the War over facial tattoos. The Super Ego can for example say  “Lets let the Id get a tattoo BUT somewhere thats not the face.” this hopefully appeases the Ids desires and give into the Ego’s need for control over the Id.

So in conclusion though you may consider yourself a singular person there are three distinctly different personality traits locked in endless combat and compromise inside your mind. You have the self indulgent Id with sometimes darker impulses (i.e. “Carl stole my promotion and I’m gonna kill him/beat his ass/burn down his house etc) You also have the Ego that allows you to maintain an acceptable/normal life regardless of its disagreements with the Id. You also out of necessity have the Super Ego, and lets face it without the Super Ego humans would never have evolved since they’d be stuck in a constant struggle to make even the simplest decisions.

Some Sex Conundrums

I love sex as much as the next person (just ask my wife) BUT there some aspects especially nowadays that I either have a question or comment about. This post covers a variety of topics I have an issue with in one way or another, from objections to comments to questions so here we go.

Women here are somethings I’m confused about:

What is the deal with wanting to be choked? You wake up one day and decide to see what it be like to have sex and being murdered at the same time?

What is the deal with hair pulling? Men don’t mind and have come to enjoy it as well, BUT it wasn’t our idea, we didn’t have a man meeting at which we concluded with a 9-1 vote in favor of pulling hair.

Women again what is the deal with spanking? Yes guys like to spank women on the ass BUT why is it women who are into spanking want to be hit so hard? A playful smack is one thing, but spanking someone repeatedly until the area is bright red to the point it looks like a bruise is quite another.

Another aspect of Human sex that I find mind boggling is how many ANIMAL references there are especially when it comes to masturbation.

Spanking The Monkey, Choking The Chicken, Wrangling The Worm, Murdering The Crow, (Busy with) The Monkey Fist are the ones I can think of off the top of my head.

Now ladies if your reading this and are thinking “well thats men, not me” I call BULLSHIT. Roughing Up The Clam, Filleting The Fish, Clubbing The Clam, Taming The Shrew,Double Clicking The Mouse (computers or not it counts), Finding Nemo (a cartoon but still a Fish), Pearl Fishing, Taking A Self-guided Tuna Boat Tour, Making a Fish Finger Taco, Soaking the Sponge (the natural sponges) are just a few I thought of right here on the spot, and its 3x as long a list versus the men’s list.

Why Would You Say That?

Here are some things people say pertaining to sex that make NO SENSE to me.

“I’m going to/ want to fuck their brains out!” Ok so your going to fuck someone until what their brains literally ooze out their ears or you want to fuck someone until they become mentally disabled?!

“I’m going to/ want to fuck the shit out of them!” Alright so your going to have sex with someone so intensely that they actually do shit themselves?!

“I’d fuck the taste right out of their mouth” Sure thing, is that to say you want to have sex with someone until they are unable to taste?!

“I’d fuck the Hell out of them!” Again your wanting to have sex with someone until what you fuck the demons/devil/evil out of them?

One aspect of the sexual world that I find disturbing to say the least and its S&M. S&M translates into Sadism and Masochism. A Sadist is someone who gets sexual pleasure/ satisfaction by physically torturing someone else (sounds like a fucking serial killer doesn’t it?!), and a Masochist is someone who gets off with pain that is they want to be tortured to get their rocks off. Some S&M acts include, but not limited to Breast Torture, Spanking, Whipping, Blood Play, Vaginal Torture, Hot Wax, Rectal Torture, Asphyxiation and CBT (Cock and Ball Torture) The bottomline for me is this: S&M seems to be a cross between sexuality and a brutal Horror Movie (“Do You Want To Play a Game???-The Movie SAW)

There is a difference between  old school Pornographic Films Vs. the New School Computer Porno. Old School porn movies where shown in dingy, stank,filthy, shady porn theaters where today if you have a computer/tech device you can porn out when and where ever you want more or less. Old school porn movies WERE ACTUAL MOVIES, they ran an average of 90 minutes ( an hour and a half) and had real plots with real actual actors. Now yes these Old School porn movies did have graphic sex scenes in the movie, BUT IT WASN’T THE MOVIE if you know what I mean. A Classic Modern-day Pornographic movie example is Nymphomaniac Volume 1 which is CURRENTLY AVAILABLE ON NETFLIX. The New School porno has no sets, location changes,costume changes acting, writing or plot its just two people fucking. Now I don’t know in this computer age who still PAYS FOR PORN when theres more free shit then anyone knows what to do with already on line (Youporn.com, Pornhub etc) , BUT some do. Who I asked the people I spoke with ironically said the Premium sites/ DVDs actually emulate the Old School Format with a true cast, plot,professional camera/tech crew and so on.

I can’t get my mind around any sexual act that involves Urine or Feces, I don’t know how anyone can maintain that either is sexy. Our bodies for example are designed instinctively to avoid feces. The fact someone wants to urinate or dedicate on someone I get if the person is really pissed off and absolutely enraged in a revenge fantasy BUT for actual sexual satisfaction I can’t get my head around. I also can’t fathom why anyone would want to be urinated/dedicated on unless they have some serious real deal psychological problems with self esteem or a past traumatic event when they were a kid.

A fact I found interesting is the issue of condoms. Now safe sex is the only way to go unless you literally want to be fucked to death, BUT when it comes to the choice to use condoms (the number one promoted, advertised and used for safe sex practices) Obviously as a Man I know why we hate condoms. Their a bitch to open, a pain to put on, can completely undo an erection (do to the time needed to get, open and put on) and after all that it kills all and any natural sensation, its like having sex with a Zip Lock Freezer Bag on your boner. What Surprised me is how much women were adamant about the contraceptive hate for the condom. This is only because until it came up one day I had never considered the female perspective on the situation. Ironically to me at least is the fact women too severely dislike the unnatural feeling induced by the use of a condom.

The one question as a Man I have encountered since I can remember is “If you could suck your own dick would you?” My answer is no, BUT because I got tired of predominately women asking and decided to flip the script. So I asked them “If you could preform oral sex on yourself would you?” The universal answer was no which didn’t surprise to me in the least, BUT what the women said next floored me completely. The women I talked to said that they WOULD preform Oral Sex on themselves IF THEY WERE MEN. I had to ask why that was, and the answer was consistently the same,and the reason they would preform oral sex on themselves if they were men (as opposed to women) was due to “External Secretions”

Lastly theres the somewhat controversial topic of shaving. I’m all for it first of all for men and women alike, YET the anti porn fanatics have championed shaving as a sick psychological pedophilia tendency of Men who all apparently want women to shave so they look like children. WHAT THE FUCK? This claim is insulting, untrue and disturbing unto itself. The best way to disprove this insane claim is if these people watched porn they’d see the MALE TALENT is completely shaved too, so what the psychology behind that then that we all want to be children or to have sex with children or we all want tone children having sex with other children?! Shaving is done for a variety of reasons first and foremost a person being shaved is aesthetically more pleasing, for guys it makes you junk look bigger, increases chances for both sexes to get oral sex since pubes if your face/mouth is a real mood killer I think we all can agree on that one, and it makes it easier for your sexual partners to find your clit since its not buried under a mound of pubic hair, and it makes cleaning up after sex and hygiene simpler.

NOTE TO READER: I feel its imperative I state my stance on Sex Crimes. I believe all child molesters should be castrated publicly like a filthy farm animal. I believe Rapist should themselves be raped to death by a specifically designed machine (Think about FuckMachines’s most famous toy called The Fuck Saw, calling all S&Mers) or hung by the junk wrapped in barbwire publicly until the bleed out or die due to shock.

 

North Korea is NOT a Country Its a Cult.

Now I’m not a history teacher in any fashion or facet ,and I don’t work for Google SO this is not a history lesson on/about North Korea. If you find this post interesting, and would like to know more about what is known of North Korea I encourage the reader to research the subject further.

Most people have a basic idea of a what a cult is and often wonder how so many “normal” people would join a cult in the first place. Cults are like drugs in their fun  at first its all parting, everyone is smiling with joy and its fun. Yet just like drugs while its fun at the beginning you suddenly find yourself struggling with a serious addiction problem that dominates your life, and wondering to yourself how the hell you ended up at rock bottom?!

Now the next question is how could someone convert an entire country into a unthinking, all accepting, submissive, and STRICTLY obedient cult? The answer is as follows and as you’ll see this kind of total domination of a whole society isn’t accomplished in days, weeks, months nor years, an undertaking of this magnitude takes DECADES of relentless conditioning spanning three generations of like minded family. The insanity began in 1948 when Kim II-sung took control of North Korea as their invaluable leader (he was in fact a rather run of the mill dictator). Still Kim II-sung  set the stage of mass social repression, and when his time was up he handed of leadership to his son Kim Jong-il who grew up by his father’s side, and fully backed his father teachings on how to rule a country with an increasingly iron fist. Finally after Kim Jong-il’s term of chaos came to an end he like his father he turned over leadership to his son Kim Jong-un who was completely indoctrinated by his father Kim Jong-il to believe as he and his grandfather Kim II-sung did in how to govern the nation of North Korea. So now we know when it started and the 3 key players that perpetuated the cult mentality to achieve ultimate power over North Korea just like their father’s before them had worked tirelessly to implement. That though explains nothing of what terror tactics (combined with the cult brainwashing) that was used by the ruling family to render North Korea into an unquestioning, docile and utterly susceptible population.

The basic concept of cults used in this case to enslave a entire nation of people is rather quite simplistic equation. First you cut of cult members from the outside world, friends and family basically any and all outside ideas/influences. Obviously when it comes to North Korea your entire family and friends are indoctrinated as well into the cults belief system. Still North Korea’s self imposed isolationist mentality meant eliminating  any and all outside influences of the world outside their boarders so NO INTERNET, smartphones, newspapers, tablets,magazines or tv/radio programs. Second you over work the people unrelentingly for 14-16 hour day 7 days a week so they are effectively functional but exhausted physically. Third since you over work your people you then also under feed them, cementing not only the physical exhaustion, but also accomplishing mental fatigue as well. Anyone who has experienced low blood sugar can personally identify with the toll it takes on your mental faculties causing confusion and inability to talk straight due to incoherent thought patterns. The last piece in the process of breaking a persons free will is sleep deprivation which is usually achieved by blaring air horns in the middle of the night for mandatory bullshit meetings. Sleep deprivation alone can cause mental deterioration causing acute paranoia, auditory and visual hallucinations, and can lead to insanity even death. Now when you compound physically exhaustion with deceased mental capacity and tie it all together with sleep deprivation you’ve effectively broken a persons spirit as they slowly lose their personal identity, thoughts and feelings making them susceptible to brainwashing/mind control.

Now while the above tactics have been proven to work on various groups inevitably someone will realize its all batshit crazy and will ultimately defect, and when the truth behind the cults real intentions are made public. Once this happens the cult is dismantled (by choice or outside force) disband due to infighting or just wither away like a common weed. So how can someone not only transform a country into a  cult permanently without a treat of revolt, revolution or resistance?! This is where North Korea’s family ongoing family dictatorship had to really up their game and become increasingly creative to insure their indoctrination remained unquestioned.  Remember when I said there was no TV or Radio shows, what I meant was any outside tv/radio sources. The ongoing dictatorship sponsors ONLY GOVERNMENT SPONSORED tv and radio shows that in all reality are a 24/7 non stop propaganda machine run for and by the Dictatorship. All tv and radio programming is basic as it gets as its and endless stream of propaganda proclaiming the endlessly magnificent accomplishments of Kim Jong-un, his father Kim Jong-il and his grandfather Kim II-sung and glorifying their various victories in defending North Korea from evil outside entities, and how much they did   to improve the country and lives of its people (which is a the biggest lie of them all)

The assault on the senses doesn’t end there by a long shot. Emulating George Orwell’s classic novel 1984 (coined the term “Big Brother Is Watching”) the current leader Kim Jong-un as well as his family before him PLASTERED his picture all over, posters, giant wall murals, paintings, statues and even t-shirts. This is so no North Korean citizen can walk more then 3 feet without seeing one of the dictators faces so your constantly reminded of who your ruler is and his family before him. It also helps to separate North Korea from the rest of the evil outside world and boost the leaders image in the public eye is to not have a president or a king, but rather a SUPREME LEADER (if that shit isn’t straight out of  a Cult 101 textbook I don’t know what is) Another way to instill undying and absolute devotion like a cult it helps to throw lavish parades and ceremonies again exalting the lives and accomplishment of The Supreme Leaders. Now this has to be an all day affair with thousands of participants and on lookers, and you can use the same template to create your own holidays too and celebrate them the same way. Lastly in a retro kick back to WW2 install a national network of air raid sirens that can double as a PA. Once the system is installed The Supreme Leader can spread more lies and garner more admiration by utilizing the PA through out the day to further prove his great omnipresence (i.e. Government daily morning exercises/calisthenics, or Supreme Leader parades announcements, bullshit news or reassuring the utter trust and infinite loyalty a citizen should have for their Supreme Leader(s)

To insure continued servitude of generations to come North Korea like countless others (i.e. Hitler Youth) before them have, exploit the children. While the constant barrage of pro Supreme Leader propaganda seems like it would be quite sufficient its not. In school there are virtually no actual classes (Math,Science eye) but daily lessons that severe no purpose but to promote the greatness of The Supreme leader and father as well as grandfather through stories and songs alike. So essentially the only topic ever discussed is how great The Supreme Leader is, what great shit he’s done for the people and country alike, and that you should have ETERNAL and UNDYING Love and loyalty to the Supreme Leader. this is furthered by the Korean Children’s Union which is a political organization for kids 7-13 years of age where the kids pledge to build up strength to defend their nation/Supreme Leader.

The title of Supreme Leader adds a convenient has a god like quality which has been exploited as well to get the citizens of North Korea to remain obedient beyond a shadow of a doubt. Just like the controversial comedy with Seth Rogan and James Franco called “The Interview” (controversial because of North Korea’s horrendous hate for the content of the movie. Seriously the last time some shit like this happened was when the Muslim’s were outraged by Salmon Rushdie’s writing of the book Satanic Verses) the citizens believe The Supreme Leader is a deity or even a god to the point if he said he doesn’t shit then thats a indisputable fact among the people of North Korea.

Another piece of the puzzle is the all familiar fear factor. While The opponents of The Supreme Leader have disappeared, been thrown in prison for life without any type of trial, and simple executed wasn’t uniting the citizens. It only motivated their compliance through the fear of imprisonment or death for even thinking a single negative thought about the Supreme Leader. To further unify the citizens under the gneiss of The Supreme Leader there had to be a common enemy that without the Supreme Leader would invade, conquer and destroy the North Korean culture. Earlier on in North Korea’s dictatorship the Japanese and Landowners who were demonized as North Korea’s public enemy number one. North Korean’s where told the Japanese and landowner’s wanted nothing more than to invade North Korea, conquer it and its people, and them systematically destroy the culture of North Korea. Now as time went on and the face of global politics changed so did North Korea’s universal nemesis. The threat of the Japanese and landowners gave way to the intense hatred of America. All joking aside currently the Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un is vehemently damning America and informing his people that EVERY problem in/with North Korea is directly linked to America because America hates and wants to invade North Korea just as the Japanese. If you don’t have enough to eat its because America wants to starve you, not enough money well thats because America is full of capitalist greed so they don’t want others to have money, stub you toe well America moved the chair so you’d stub your toe. We are the playing Satan to North Korea’s God being the Supreme Leader.

Lastly even with its strict and unyielding self imposed isolation North Korea’s Supreme Leader(s) realized it was in fact impossible to totally cut North Korea off from outside countries. So if they couldn’t prevent the periodic visitation of foreigners then they did the next best thing which is to control the visits. Again just like in movie”The Interview” and the documentary “Dennis Rodman’s Big Bang in Pyongyang” when a visitor is invited to come visit North Korea everything they see and do is dictated by the directives of The Supreme Leader (you can’t freely walk around anywhere period), and everything you say/do is closely monitored as your assigned a government agent as your only tour guide and accompanied buy several soldiers your entire trip beginning to end. This is obviously because the North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un has plenty to hide such as he’s starving his people, committing human rights violations, wide spread poverty, executions, embezzlement and misappropriation of funds, and food shortages (a problem when you can’t conduct business with the rest of the world) to name a few. To accommodate this North Korea again relies on propaganda (The Supreme Leader tells the world from time to time or if asked that North Korea is nothing short of Utopia where food is plentiful, business is booming, everyone is happy and wealthy and other various lies, and good old bullshit staging. This is not a joke they just like in the movies listed above North Korean has set up fake grocery stores over flowing with food to show visitors, but in reality is 100% fake. They also show visitors a good bit of the pomp and circumstance surrounding The Supreme Leader (like events, holidays, parades and such showing how much the North Koreans love their Supreme Leader, their country of North Korea and couldn’t be happier if they tried. Bottom line is it a smoke and mirrors 3 ring circus pony show.

In conclusion North Korea still remains steeped in mystery what we have learned is as bizarre as it is troubling, a country who uses and abuses its expendable citizens for their own personal gain and glory. As I wrote that I realized how eerily it parallels Americans current presidential problem.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Shotguns, My Grandfather & The Guy Who Should Have Died

My grandparents lived in a Farmhouse built circa 1883 on a massive 1,100 ache plus property down south in a tiny town know as Podunk. Every summer and every Christmas my family and I would drive down to  visit my grandparents on the farm since my brother and I were off from school. While the town was so tiny (that when it got a second traffic light it was a big goddamn deal let me tell you) there are 2 major trucking companies headquarters located in Podunk that run 18 wheelers all day and all night long transporting everything under the sun. Luckily when the main road in and out of Podunk was to be built they asked my great grandfather about its placement since( like the original 19th century dirt road) it would run through a portion of his property. So instead of having the modern road run directly outside of the Farm house’s front yard gate he decided to have it built this time with a huge curve that brought the road out to a 1/4 of a mile from the main house. Between the farmhouse and the new road is essential a giant grassy field with a semi circle dirt driveway that allows the house to be accessed by 2 separate entries from the outlying road. Now on the outer side of the large curve is a 6 1/2 foot ditch (before you reach the woods) and for the life of me to this very day I have no idea why the town hasn’t put of warning signs for the truckers. See if your driving an 18 wheeler and are going slow you’ll hug the road to safety ,BUT if your driving an 18 wheeler and your going to fast you’ll run off the road and plumet head first into the aforementioned big ass ditch.

One summer while we were visiting my grandparents when late one night we all got one hell of a scare. What set off the insane events of that night started when a trucker driving a rather big tanker truck filled with liquid pesticide was speeding a bit and thusly found himself plunging head long into the ditch of death. The first thing that saved the driver’s life was when he crashed he was thrown from the cab, but this only got him out of the frying pan into the fire. If I recollect correctly the driver’s injuries included (but not limited to) Broken and cracked ribs, internal bleeding, severe lacerations, 2 completely shattered legs, head trauma, fractured right wrist, and massive bruising not to mention he was in shock as well. When the driver gathered his senses and managed to look around at his surroundings (as well as thanking whatever god he prays too for not being instantly and violently killed) he saw the far off light of farmhouse’s front porch lights and knew it was his only hope or he would in fact die on the side of the road. So summoning all his remaining strength the driver slowly (and I imagine quite painfully) pulled himself using just his arms and dragged himself the 1/4 mile across the grassy field and across to the front yard. I don’t know if the driver couldn’t get up the stairs to the front porch, but he again dragged himself around the side of the farmhouse to what is referred to as the middle porch. Its called the middle porch for one simple reason which is back in 1883 fire was a huge concern especially if you lived in a small rural town. Thusly to combat the threat of fire the architects of the day designed houses so you’d have the  house with a middle porch in-between the main house and the kitchen as well as dinning room. This way if your kitchen (which was the biggest threat of fire) did catch fire the middle porch provided a buffer in-between.

Once the driver reached the middle porch he preceded to punch his way through the screen of the exterior door leading off the middle porch to the surrounding yard. The driver opened the door and then pulled himself up onto the porch. From there he once again dragged himself in excruciating agony to the door to the main house and pounded on the door like his life depended on it which it did. The driver was screaming bloody murder things like”There’s been an accident! HELP! HELP ME PLEASE! Oh God, PLEASE OPEN THE DOOR I don’t want to die out here…” obviously to get the attention and aid of the homeowner (who for all he knew wan’t even home).

Now as one might imagine being that it was around 2 a.m. in the morning, virtually pitch black outside (no streetlights or urban sprawl makes night even darker), and we were located in such a rural area outside of a tiny town that we were basically on our own (the average police response time to the property is around 40 minutes or more.) There are 2 bedrooms at the back of the house on the 1st floor across from one another my brother and I slept in one and my parents slept in the other. I remember opening our bedroom door just a minute crack as to allow a singular eye to peer out into the hallway. I saw my father too had cracked open my parents bedroom door and glanced over at me to give me the universal “STAY THERE” hand gesture. All of us were freaked the hell out and had no idea what to do because like I said if there was a crash alright, but it could be some sick son of a bitch trying to gain access to the house and all that terrible shit. A minute or two of being frozen in place by paralyzing fear I heard the familiar sound of the wood stairs creaking as someone came down them and immediately looked to see what was going on there to see my grandparents. My grandfather being 6’3″ with a poker face made of stone and a shotgun in each hand was leading the way down the stairs.  My petite 5 foot nothing grandmother was literally right behind him and looked flustered as hell. My grandfather walked to the door not saying a word, unlocked it and forcefully swung it open. The driver collapsed backwards as the door flung open to see my grandfather standing there in his pajamas silently pointing a wicked looking pair of shotguns at him. At this point it was obvious there had in fact been a horrendous crash and there wasn’t some deranged rapist serial killer, and my parents and grandmother went into crisis damage control. My grandmother called 911, my father asked the man what happened and my mom frantically gathered first aid items. Meanwhile my grandfather continued to stand in the door way completely quite still aiming both gun barrels at the injured driver. After assessing the initial situation my grandmother suggested we move the injured driver off the porch and into the house’s main hallway, and it was then my grandfather spoke for the first and only time during the whole ordeal. What my grandfather said I will remember to the day I die and its only one singular sentence                         “Don’t bleed on my carpet.”

Note to Reader: The driver was taken by ambulance to the nearest hospital for emergency medical treatment. My father called the hospital the next day and was informed the driver was alive, stable and would completely recover from all of his various injuries.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Canine Carnage: Looks Can Be Deceiving

About 12 years ago I was working as a Veterinary Technician (Vet Tech for short) at Eccentric Animal Hospital run by Dr. Eccentric. It was business as usual as Dr. E saw routine morning appointments. The 11:30 appointment was for a dog who had been excessively dragging its ass across the owners pricy carpet and was increasing obsessed with it’s butt. When the dog showed up for its appointment it turned out to be a very friendly and affectionate ( I’m talking Disney cartoon level cute till you puke here) 5 year old,67 pound male Golden Retriever named Tucker who was not neutered. Tucker’s owner was a rather pleasant middle aged woman named Ditsy who was a bit mentally out to lunch.

I escorted Mrs. Ditsy along with Tucker into one of the exam room where Ditsy filled out the new client paperwork, and I took Tucker to get weighed. Now the layout of the exam room is key. There was the first door leading from the waiting room into the exam rom, and a second located at the back that lead to the Lab, Surgical prep, Xray,Surgery room etc. The room’s measurements are approximately 8 feet long and 5 feet wide I know that sounds more like prison cell then an exam room, but checkout your veterinarian’s exam rooms for comparison purposes. The middle of the room had a 3 1/2 foot examination table protruding from wall that was around 4 feet in height. This made a for very close quarters when with a dog that size the owners’s sitting on the exam room bench, and the Doctor,dog, and I are on the small floor space in front of the owner (to say wiggle room was scarce would be a humungous understatement.)

After a basic once over Dr.E stated his primary diagnosis was a impacted anal gland. For those who aren’t in the know when it comes to anal glands they are 2 glands located just inside a dog’s rectum. The anal glands express the most foully vile smelling fluid (like the farts of SATAN)  If you have ever had the displeasure of not only smelling, but never forgetting that pungent oder you know what I mean. The reason for this is when your dog takes a crap and the feces is excreted past the anal glands it causes them to express( the putrid smelling) fluid that serves as a personal calling card. Now if the anal glands are impacted they can’t express the anal gland fluid which then build up like water behind a dam. If untreated the anal gland becomes extremely infected and will then rupture like a giant shit filled blister. In Tucker’s case it was so early in the game that if it was a impacted anal gland was the problem then it could be solved right away by manually expressing the blocked gland. Granted this is not a the most pleasant of problems to solve, and to the animal it feels like the equivalent of your Proctologist trying to pop a pimple inside your butt during a prostate exam if you will.

So with that said Dr.E and I got ready do to the deed. Dr.E put proceeded to put on the classic latex gloves, grabbed the tube of lube (because animals don’t need to be treated by animals.) and a couple sheets of paper towel to catch the expressed anal gland fluid. Tucker was facing towards the wall with his rear facing the exam table directly behind him so I squatted down on the balls of my feet and placed my left arm around his neck and my right arm around his waist to properly restraint him. I’m well aware that this restraint technique looks like a combo of a wrestling move and an MMA choke out hold, but I assure you it all serves a purpose. If you control the head you control the body and to help control the body you have one arm secured around the animals waist. As soon as Dr. E took a knee behind Tucker I felt Tucker tense up and then become absolutely rigged as if he was flexing ever muscle in his body simultaneously. I knew things were getting off to a potential dangerous start then Dr. E touched Tucker’s rectum, and Tucker royally up and lost his shit as fast as a starter’s pistol and the clash of carnage was on. I knew I couldn’t escape out the 1st door into the waiting room because it was behind me, and even if I did reach it I’d have to open and close it allowing more time to get injured. When I knew I couldn’t restrain Tucker any longer I announced that I had to let go, waited for Dr.E to back off to safety, eyed the owner and let go. At this point Tucker was growling loudly and aggressively while showing his teeth all which means a high risk of attack.

As I was releasing my hold on Tucker I shifted my weight so I had a strait shot out the 2nd door into the Lab/Surgical area, and not only that the 2nd door was a sliding pocket door which as even open at the time. Now as I started to stand up Tucker swung his head wildly to his left in a violent U-turn type motion just in time to severely bite at my left ear. Now I say “Bite at” because Tucker didn’t move quite as fast as me he couldn’t bite down directly on my ear. What did happen was his Canines caught my outter ear. TO CLARIFY what you think is your ear is actually called THE AURICLE and the VESTIBULE (depressed part of you outer ear directly outside the ear canal. As Tucker was closing his mouth his aforementioned canines (upper and lower) tore the top of my inner and ripped it down so it looked like a theater curtain that had fallen to expose the bare cartilage wall behind it. Once I was upright I strode out the 2nd door slamming it behind me. I remember just standing there while stating in a raised voice just under a yell “My fucking ear, he bit my fucking ear now I’m bleeding all over myself.” As you can imagine my heart was POUNDING as the adrenaline surged through my veins like 100,000 volts of electricity being that head wound in general bleed like a son of a bitch my ear was no exception. I could hear the owner Mrs. Ditsy asking repeatedly if I was alright and was extremely concerned I’l give her that, but I was aggravated as all get out and tuned her out.

Well the receptionist got a photocopy of her driver’s license before Mrs. Ditsy took Tucker home. Since that had been the last appointment of the morning there was time to figure out what the hell to do next.  I hate hospital’s and I hate emergency rooms even more as I think they both are essentially EXPLOIT PATIENTS FOR PROFIT institutions. So in spite of having rather good health insurance I wasn’t going to an ER hell or high water. Dr.E volunteered his services as he could do exactly the same thing the ER would do, but Dr. E would do it absolutely free where its a $900 ER bill for literally walking in the door (which automatically starts your bill at $900. ) I agreed and Dr.E numbed up my ear with Lidocaine and simply stitched my ear back into one singular piece. I then called my mother because it occurred to me I hadn’t a clue when I had my last Tetanus shot, and good thing I called because it turned out my last Tetanus shot was 10 years in the past so I went with my Wife to the local MD Now walk in medical clinic and told them I had been bitten by a dog while at work, and I would thus be needing a well over due Tetanus shot. I noticed that after the informing them I was first and foremost bitten on the ear by a dog (I  explained I worked as a Vet Tech and it was an owned animal code for rabies shot is current) the front desk personel where staring intently at my ear until realizing I wasn’t bleeding because I had stitches in my ear. So of course out of curiosity and a bit of concern they repeatedly and excessively asked who in fact had stitched up my ear for me. I was aware that in Canada if a Veterinarian works on a human they lose their vet license, are heavily fined and possibly could face some jail time. If I’m anything I’m insanely loyal (I say insane because even loyalty can be too much of a good thing if shit gets out of hand) I finally answered them and all I said was “a friend” helped me out. Several other staff members asked me the same question over and over again (sometimes they would just reword the question before asking it for the thousandth time) and all I would say every single time without fail was a friend helped me out and stitched me up.

NOTE TO READER: If your thinking how in a (fully staffed )professional medical clinic no one there could piece it together? I told them I got bitten at work. I also told them I’m a veterinary technician.  I told them I work for a Veterinarian in his Animal Hospital. Yet NO ONE could figure out the blatantly obvious that the Veterinarian was the one who did the stitched me up. CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT INSANE. Its just the god’s honest truth, no one there could put it all together. Its like the most fucked up game of Clue ever.

 

 

 

 

 

One of the Strangest Memories of Mine from Childhood

When I was growing up I attended a Private School from kindergarten through 8th grade, but this wasn’t in any way to do with my family having money. My father was the Head of the English Department so I got a free ride that I never wanted.  Part of this elitist idiots institution of privilege was that they had an ice skating rink so ever winter for P.E. we would walk over and ice skate for class.  Now knowing that kids grow quick and that outside of P.E. I’d never use them my father found away around needlessly spending money on new ice skates. He quite simply located a man who lived near by who rented ice skates during the winter months.

The elderly gentlemen who ran the rental operation ran it out of his house. Now I can’t tell you what the house even looked like as we always went after dark, but in all due fairness it gets dark by 5 p.m. during winter. What I remember is the following. I remember my father making a right hand turn off a residential street and driving down a short driveway were he parked the car. Once we got out of the car the house was on the left and when you looked over you saw your basic 2 car garage with a plain old run of the mill white exterior door. We would enter through the plain white door into a completely dark area about the size of your average closet. To the right once you stepped through the door was a doorway that led to a set of steps (approximately 5-6 steps in total) that we’ed walk down into base of the operation if you will. The room was dimly light by outdated and well worn florescent lights who’s originally sterile soul sucking silent office light had degraded into a flickering odd shade of grey with a loud humming buzz. The floor was bathed in a 1970’s Ultra Shag carpet of dark brown with flecks of deep yellow and orange through out. The walls were completely bare with off white paint that during countless years had developed a time worn yellowing. The only other thing in the entire room was a home made wood bench that was wrapped around the walls and had some poor excuse for padding.  There was a small laundry room directly across from the steps that housed a washer, dryer and an ice skate sharpening machine like the one you see at regular ice skating rinks. There was in fact a 3rd room but we will get back to that in a minute.

Once you sat down on the bench it was vertically identical to buying shoes. The Old man probably mid 60’s standing about 6 feet 3 inches tall wearing a plaid shirt, suspenders, work pants (Dickies) and a pair of beat down construction boots would gather up 3 or 4 pairs of skates. After collecting the skates he would walk over and kneel down as you tried on the skates he would lace them for you. While lacing and unlacing the skates until finding the right pair would exhale heavily through his nose periodically like a long nasal sigh. Now I don’t believe this was out of discomfort (i.e. old joints, bad knee etc) or emotion (anger,irritating,disgust etc.) ,but rather a peculiar personal trait the man developed over his life time, and more then  likely wasn’t even aware at his advanced age he was even making a noise. Once the correct and proper pair of ice skates was found the Old man would collect the rental fee and that was that until returning them in Spring.

Now remember that 3rd room I said we’ed get back to well we’re back to it. See just like with shoes you have to walk around a bit in a pair of skates as you would a pair of shoes to insure they fit correctly. I had always wondered since the beginning of these yearly rentals exactly where the skates to be rented where. So while testing out a pair of skates one year to see in they fit I got up enough nerve to really walk around the room. I normally you see would only take a few steps as not to be too far from my father or the exit door as I found the whole situation creepy as shit as a kid, and as I write this I have the same feeling. As I walked around the room I noticed there was a slight 3 foot long extenuation coming out of the wall to create a degree of privacy, (I don’t know why someone would build a basement with a privacy wall of sorts unless your a serial killer) and around on the other side was the 3rd previously unseen room. I teetered and wobbled around until I could see in the 3rd room and what I saw is the strangest part of the story. The large room was filled to capacity with pairs of ice skate, hundreds upon hundreds of them like it was the Fort Knox of ice skates. There were pairs of skates lying side by side in row after row covering the entire floor, and there were cubbies lining the walls from the floor to the ceiling each one housing a pair of ice skates.

To this day my one and only question has created plentiful hypothesizes BUT NEVER answered is simply “Where the Hell did this Old Man get Hundreds and Hundreds of pairs of ice skates?” How did he amass so many pairs? This question alone only brings more questions and no answer.

 

Definitive Proof Even Apple Doesn’t Know How The iCloud Actually Works

Note: The Gentlemen who left comment about how he was hacked resulting in the loss of years of work I’d like to dedicate this post to you.

A Couple of years ago when My Wife and I got new Smartphones we decided for safety reasons we would get the “Find My Fucking Phone For Me” App, BUT to do so one was required to sign up for the omnipresent mystery known as the iCloud (I believe the i stands for Idiotic) so we did just that. Everything was totally normal for the next couple of weeks as life continued unobstructed . Then one day I woke up, had my coffee, smoked a joint ,and then I picked up my phone to check one of my never ending lists of possible work projects and the list was gone. In fact all my lists had vanished along with all my work files from the last 2 1/2 years. I dropped my phone and ran to find our Iputts and all my work had disappeared there as well. I then began grabbing any and every linked  computer driven device in the entire house, but every device I checked was blank my work was now officially missing in action.

I called the Apple help line and explained that I’m very pissed and even more confused as to why a service thats SOLE FUCKING JOB is to store information/photos/videos is unable to find even a single shred of my work. Obviously the Customer Service Drone was completely baffled and quickly called in a Supervisor. Again I explained the situation and again this time the Supervisor told me how utterly odd my debacle was. Over 90 minutes later I got off the phone with the Supervisor not having accomplished a single damn thing, I didn’t even get a basic explanation as to what the hell was going on.

Over the next 6 weeks I was constantly on the phone with the Apple people daily and was getting nowhere fast. Each time I’d call it was the same story all over again I’d let them know the problem, the Phone Drone would throw their preverbal hands in the air, transfer me to slick Supervisor who would tell me “This has never happened before…” and that was it. I talked to 7 different Supervisors in total none of which had a single clue as to what the problem EVEN WAS none the less attempted to fix it. Finally I had it and told the 8th and the last Supervisor that at this point not only am I extremely angry over the initial problem, but now I was equally pissed off at their company’s complete and apparent incompetence as nothing had changed since my 1st call. The 8th Supervisor had the ingenious idea of calling upon their extensive IT Department to see where they weighed in on the subject at hand.  Within 3-4 days I called the 8th Supervisor (she was the only one that had the wherewithal to give me their extension so I could contact them directly, and avoid the excessive bullshit of constantly repeating my self to the front line Phone Drones.) to check in for hopefully some sort of progress report and she actually had news for me.

What Supervisor 8 told me was that the iCloud had in fact done its job which was to back up and store my shit at which point I felt a bit relieved because it sounded like finally could be fixed. I was totally wrong. Supervisor 8 continued to inform me that the IT Department had contacted her earlier in the day and gave her their official report. In their report the IT Department stated again first and foremost that the iCloud had done its official and designated back up job, BUT the problem was that instead of storing my work in its proper spot the Cloud in its infinite wisdom stored it somewhere else.  The IT Department concluded their report with that as of now they had ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE THE CLOUD STORED MY WORK so they obviously can’t do shit until they located where my work was indeed stored at within the Cloud.

This is where our story ends readers because to this very day years later The Apple IT Department has been absolutely unable to locate a single piece my work not a single word.