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Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (49/365)

The Driver walked around the Smart Car with Purpose, opened the Door, leaned in, checked the Charge Level for the Battery, and then walked Smugly back over to Dizzy.

“The Car has a Healthy 70% Charge Currently so We should be Fine.” said The Driver being a Passive Aggressive little shit.

“YOU DIDN’T ASK WHERE THE FUCK WE ARE GOING ASSHOLE!” Screamed Dizzy Now Fully Enraged with His Face turning Such a Deep Shade of Crimson. The Veins in His Neck stuck out like the Steel Cables of a Suspension Bridge as Sweat Started to trickle down Dizzy’s Face and into HIs Eyes.

“Sir You told the Dispatcher when You called for the Ride. The Dispatcher then Radioed Me, and Told Me where I could pick You up at, as well as where Your Destination so I could Determine if I wanted to take the Calls o to speak.” said the Guy smirking Triumphantly in full on Gloat Mode.

“FINE! I Digress on the Issue of Battery Life in that Glorified Bumper Car with Wheels You’r sporting there Sport.” respond Dizzy Vindictively fancily wiping the growing amount of sweat out of His eyes.

“I do have a Question though.” Lee said Speaking Up for the First time during the Ongoing War of the Smart Car, but He knew He needed Dizzy to chill the fuck out for Christ’s sake.

If Dizzy didn’t Relax He was bound to fucking have a Massive Embolism, Fall on His face Dead right there on the fucking Sidewalk. Lee didn’t have any real set Plans other than bumming around with Dizzy for Shits and Giggles, Yet He was pretty fucking sure HE didn’t have time to do with a Medical Emergency that Ended Promptly in a Fatality.

“Yes Sir how may I Best Address Your Question?” asked The Driver politely as He had no issue with Lee who again had been standing quietly in the Background. It wasn’t Lee’s fault His buddy was a being Completely Batshit Crazy for No real reason other than He apparently seemed to find issue with every fucking thing He came across. Ok well thought the Driver to Himself it did Say a little Something about Lee which was He had shitty taste in Friends. Still Bad Taste wasn’t a Crime.

“Well We are 3 grown Adults, and Your Smart Car can only accommodate 2 Adults at Best. So wouldn’t that result in You having to Drive each one of US to Our destination One at a fucking Time? That and if You have to Drive Us Separately then that will Tax Your Battery Double fucking Time which would Require You to Stop and Recharge between Trips?!” Lee questioned doing HIs best Not to come off like a Dick. He figured it was Safe to Assume at this point if The Driver had an Issue with Him Too He’d get bent and Bounce leaving the Two of Them Stranded with Their preverbal cocks in Their Hands.

“HOLY SHIT! I was so pissed that You had the absolute lack of common fucking sense since the Dispatcher called You with the Specifics of The Job! They had to have told You that You’d be picking up 2 Passengers right? Two Grown fucking Adults, Not a couple of Circus Midgets or a Pair of Quadruple Amputees?! NO THEY DIDN’T YOU GODDAMN DICK!” said Dizzy getting louder as He spoke apparently on the Verge of Launching The Second War of the Smart Car.

“The Dispatcher did inform Me that there would be 2 passengers that is True, but I figured You two could simply just sit on each others Laps I mean its not that long a Drive. According to My GPS it says the Crystal Diner is 17 minutes way.” respond The Driver cockily as if HE had just solved the World’s Most complex Brain Teaser.

“Sit on Each other’s Lap ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS YOU Snide Little Man Child Fuck, I’m Not paying My hard earned Cash to Ride around sitting on My Friends fucking Lap like a Little fucking Kid!” Snapped Dizzy Harshly nearly Hitting His Breaking Point.

“You could have Your Friend here sit on Your Lap if that Suits You Better Sir.” suggested the Driver jokingly trying to Lighten the Mood as Now He was getting nervous that Dizzy would simply Murder the Shit out of Him, Steal His Cash, and Drive off in His Smart Car regardless of His Loud Mouthed Bullshit Temper Tantrum on the Subject.

“DO YOU WANT TO DIE?! DO YOU? DO YOU WANT TO FUCKING DIE RIGHT HERE OUTSIDE THIS SHITTY OLD HOTEL/APPARTMENT BUILDING?! Obviously I’m not going to fucking Pay You to have My fucking Friend sit on MY LAP IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE Who sitting on Who COME THE FUCK ON!” seethed Dizzy through His teeth which were so Clenched they were beginning to Grind making a very Disturbing Sound like some object that has been pushed to it limit, and it was just a matter of Seconds before it Snapped Splintering into Fragments.

Stay Tuned For The Next Flabbergasting Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHERS

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

The Violent World of Death Match Wrestling

I have Fell in Love with Hardcore Extreme Wrestling One Fateful Day when I stubbed across an ECW (Extreme Championship Wrestling) Barbwire Match Featuring Hardcore Icon Terry Funk versus The Homicidal, Suicidal, Genocidal Sabu. It was like nothing I had ever seen but with the Blood and Violence along with a Frenzied Philly Audience chanting things like “Fuck Him Up!” or “WE WANT BLOOD!” had Me Hook line and Sinker.

This Match is Legendary because during the match Sabu accidentally Split Open the Inside of His Left Bicep. Instead of Stopping the Match and seeking immediate Medical Attention Sabu had His Manager Bill Alfonso fetch Him a Roll of Medical/Athletic Tape. Sabu then wrapped Up His Bicep and continued to Wrestle until the End of the Match some 22 minutes or so after the Injury. In Fact Sabu Won by tying Tery Funk to a Table using Barbed Wire, wrapping Barb Wire around His Mid Section, and then Sabu put Funk Through the Table. As soon as the Sabu pinned Funk a Small Team of Crew Member wearing Protective Gloves ran out armed with Wire Cutters and proceeded to cut the Two Wrestlers Free which took Quite a While.

Until that Day the Only Wrestling I was familiar with was the Dueling Spandex Soap Opera Promotions/Federations WWF (Now WWE) and Their long time Rival the Now Defunct WCW (World Championship Wrestling). Now I was watching Wrestlers that looked like Real Life Bad Asses They weren’t all 6′ 5″ with Bulging Muscles clad in Horrendous Spandex sporting Long Hair. ECW was Nothing Hollywood it was Rough, Raw, and Totally Original.

ECW oped the Door of Extreme Wrestling Spawning Many Imitators most Notably The West Coast’s XPW (Xtreme Professional Wrestling) which is No Longer in Existence. Tragically ECW’s Days Were Numbered and Eventually after a Massively Successful Run Exposing America to Extreme Hardcore Wrestling facing Bankruptcy was Purchased By Sack of Shit Vince Mcmahon who’s first Action was to Dissolve the Company and fire the Entire Roster Almost. The ECW Talent Vince Kept were Under Utilized, Marginalized, and General treated like fucking Trash until They left or were Fired.

Luckily for Extreme Hardcore Wrestling Fans the Void was filled by New Jersey’s Own Combat Wrestling Zone (CZW) founded, owned, and Operated by John Zandig until He retired do to the Massive Amounts of Abuse HIs Body had taken over the Years (For Example: During a match Zandig jumped off a fucking 30 Foot Ladder resulting in a Compound Fracture, thats the one where the Broken Bone protrudes through the Skin for all to see.)

Zandig took the Ball from where ECW left off before its Untimely Demise, and ran with it like a motherfucker taking Hardcore Extreme to New Levels of Violence. Zandig coined the term for His New Band calling it “Ultra Violent” Wrestling. Zandig wasn’t just the Founder, Original Owner, and Original Operator He was also a featured Wrestler who participated in some of the Most Outrageously Violent Matches in CZW History.

Zandig was also a Very Intelligent Business Man as well as one Hell of a Wrestler in His own Wrestling Company He knew at the Time being an Indie Promotion was Harder than ever. The WWE had bought out WCW which is the equivalent of Coke ending its Rivalry with Pepsi by Buying The Pepsi Corporation, and ECW the Extreme Hardcore Pioneers had also fallen Victim to the relentless WWE. So Zandig started Inter Federation Promotions with Other Indie Companies starting Rivalries and Feuds between the Different Rosters. This allowed Wrestlers from outside Promotions to come and complete in CZW and Visa Versa.

Also to His credit Zandig spent a good portion of His Wrestling Career Wrestling in Japan primarily in/with Big Japan Pro Wrestling Company where He was Introduced to the Most Brutal and Bloody form of Wrestling: THE DEATH MATCH. Zandig saw the appeal of Death Match Wrestling with American Audiences, and introduced American Wrestling Fans to Death Match Wrestling.

Zandig even set up 2 Special Yearly Death Match Wrestling Specific Events the First was the Annual CZW’s CAGE OF DEATH Tournament and KING OF THE DEATH MATCH Tournament which became HUGE Hits with Hardcore Wrestling Fans.

CZW’s Death Match Weapons Include, But are NOT Limited to: Steel Folding Chairs, Tables, Ladders of Varying Size, Thumb Tacks, Florescent Light Tubes, Panes of Glass, Staple Gun (to prove its real Wrestlers will Staple a Dollar to Their Opponents Cheek, Lip, Tongue, or Forehead), Gas Powered Weed Whacker, Battery Powered Jig Saw, Large Syringes (to Prove They are Real Wrestlers stick them through Their Opponents Cheek or Lip and then Squirt out Saline), Barb Wire, Metal Garbage Cans, Stop Signs, Kendo Sticks, Wooden Food Skewers, Salt (to pour on or in Opponents Open Wounds), Barb Wire Baseball Bats (a Baseball bat with an Excessive Amount of Bar Wire Wrapped around it), Flaming Tables, and even have a “Fans Bring The Weapons” Matches which Allows to Fans to use the Same or Similar Materials to construct a Weapon to be used in the Match (Obviously Nothing Inherently Fatal)

Its NO SECRET I am a Huge fucking Fan of the Viceland Channel and when They announced They would be doing a Series focusing on Different Forms of Wrestling from Around the World I was Ecstatic to say the Least. Vice’s Reporting is Original, Intelligent, In-Depth, and Extremely Well Done (No Pun Intended) thus I assembled the Following 3 Vice Death Match Videos. Enjoy.

Hope You Enjoyed The Trip Down the Bloody Ultra-Violent Hardcore Death Match Wrestling Rabbit Hole to Hell.

Presented By Les Sober

Is There a Veterinarian in The House?!

I had been working in a Dog Kennel/ Boarding Facility when I decided to become a Veterinarian Technician or Vet Tech. It made sense since I liked working with Animals over People, and let’s face it Most People Suck a Bag of Dicks on the Daily. The problem was while I enjoyed working at the Dog Kennel but it wasn’t what one would call Intellectually Challenging in the Least, and the Day to Day routine had become mundanely Boring.

After looking for a while I landed a Job at a Near Veterinarian Clinic run by a Veterinarian named Dr. Yavid Yorn. I’m going to take a minute to clear up a quick question some Reader’s may be Wondering about so bare with Me. While there are Plenty of Schools that offer a Vet Tech Programs (which is fine by all means) in Reality Veterinarian’s prefer to Hire Someone with Experience, But being an Off the Street Newbie isn’t a deal breaker as Long as You are Reliable, Trainable, and a Hard Working Animal Lover with Initiative thats works just Fine.

There is an extremely simplistic reason for this. While having experience is obviously the Number One thing You can bring to the Table with a shit ton of Jobs not just Veterinary Medicine. The reason Vet’s are a Bit Leery of the School Educated Vet Tech because there is a HUGE fucking Difference between Restraining a Large Pissed off Dog in Real Life let’s say versus learning about Animal Restraint Techniques Strictly from a Book. Unfortunately School Educated Vet Tech’s tend to think They’re ready, but Veterinarian Medicine is all about Trial By Fire and They tend to Freeze Up.

Anyway back to Our story Already in Progress.

It was early in the Afternoon when a Woman called the to make a Rather Unusual Appointment. She told Me there had been an Illegal Chop Shop in Her Neighborhood that had a Big Ass Rottweiler Guarding the Property. Well the Chop Shop closed and when the assholes left they turned the fucking Dog loose onto the Streets. The Woman had seen the Dog roaming aimlessly around and had decided out of the Ignorance of Her heart to Feed it. Now that it been awhile the Woman wanted to bring in the Dog for an Exam to make sure everything is Kosher.

We made Her an Appointment as well as Informed Her this was NOT a Good/Smart idea as She knew absolutely NOTHING about the Dog like its Over All Temperament, Behaviors or Possible Triggers that could cause Sudden Aggression. We informed Her that just because She had been feeding the Dog Didn’t make this Situation a goddamn Disney motherfucking Movie not by a Long fucking Shot. We advised Her the Best thing to do was to Contact Animal Care and Control (ACC) which She declined to do. She didn’t have the Highest Opinion of ACC so She refused to even consider it as a viable and logical Answer, and Dr. Yorn Okayed the Appointment soWe made One for Her.

Looking back on it Now I can’t figure Out Why after telling Her all that WHY THE FUCK DR. YORN ALLOWED HER MAKE AN APPOINTMENT?! I mean can You say Red fucking Flag or WHAT?! After learning the so called History and relationship of the Woman and the Dog We didn’t just Hang the fuck Up DEFYS LOGIC as well as COMMON SENSE. It Literally was THE WORST FUCKING IDEA/OPTION We could have fucking Made Considering what We knew, BUT We Did because Dr. Yorn said to do so.

Time Passed uneventfully that was until The Woman with the Stray Chop Shop Rottweiler Showed Up. The Dog was a Prize Specimen looking to be 100 pounds or So of Pure fucking Muscle, and a Head as Big as a fucking Frozen Turkey. The Woman it turns out is 5 foot fucking Nothing and weighed no more than 90 fucking Pounds TOPS. The Dog comes barreling into the Waiting Room like a Bull in a China Shop dragging the Tiny Woman behind Him as She fought to hold on the the Leash. MORE AND MORE RED FLAGS. Dr. Yorn could have told Her Oh Hell No fuck that, but AGAIN HE DIDN’T.

Well needless to say the Clients in the Waiting Room were Less than Thrilled about this Development, and looked on the Verge of Panicking. Dr. Yorn directed US to escort the Woman and Dog directly into the Nearest Empty Exam Room which We Did. The fucked up thing is the Woman was Totally fucking Oblivious to what the fuck is really going on, and is actually Laughing like a Fucking Fool the entire fucking Time. I Know it’s Redundant, BUT STILL MORE RED FLAGS.

Dr. Yorn’s next decision was to Tell Me to go into the Exam Room with the Woman and have her Muzzle the Dog just so We could WEIGHT THE FUCKING THING (Red Fucking Flag!). I knew why He had chosen Me and I’m not being Sexist but the Other 3 Employees where 2 Petite Young Girls, and the Third was a Little Old Lady in her Mid 60’s. SO if You stop and think about it You could say based on the Other 3 Employees I was hired because I was obviously much Bigger, and desernably Stronger so isn’t that Sexist?!

Anyway I went in and handed the Muzzle to the Woman who is still giggling like a Drunk School Girl unaware that the Dog She is with is fully capable of KILLING HER, and Tossing HER MANGLED CORPSE around like a fucking Rag Doll. I then instruct Her on how to put the Muzzle on Correctly, BUT the Dog isn’t fucking having it. The Dog Keeps ducking, bobbing, and weaving to avoid the Muzzle put well on His Muzzle, and when the Woman did get the Muzzle in Place the Dog would rub against He leg and immediately dislodge it. Essentially We were getting absolutely fucking NO WHERE and the Dog was becoming More and More Agitated which was the Exact OPPOSITE of what We wanted to do all things Considered.

I was becoming EXTREMELY Uncomfortable as I saw this scenario going South REAL fucking Fast, and This was NOT the Dog to be fucking around with that was for Sure. I leaned forward slightly and pointed at the Loose Strap since the Woman was just Chuckling Her fucking head off, and really making things seriously Worse. Thats when the Dog Lunged at Me attempting to Lock onto My Left Forearm, BUT since I saw it coming so to Speak I had already begun to pull My Hand Back which prevented the Dog from being able to Bite it in which case I’d be Totally and Properly fucked. Instead of grabbing hold of My Forearm The Dog Bit… .how should I put this a “Chunk” of Flesh along with a little Muscle.

I remember clear as fucking Day being fucking Eye to Eye with the goddamn Dog and realized more likely than not the Dog was going to Release Me only so it could Attack again trying to Establish a Deadlier Hold on Me. Instinctively I Screamed “MOTHERFUCKER!” a loud a fuck right into the Dog’s fucking Face, and it worked as it effectively Startled the shit Out of the Dog confusing it enough to Let Go of My Arm while allowing Me to Escape out the Door like a Bolt of fucking Lightning. The Clients in the Waiting Room looked So Surprised it Looked as if They all had infant Shit Themselves Silly with Shock.

I made My way into the Medical Prep/ Pharmacy where My Co Workers cleaned the Wound, Disinfected it, and Bandaged it for Me. Now since the Dog was a Stray with No Known Vaccination Record or Rabies Tag meant I was Off to the Emergency Room for Rabies Treatment. Luckily for Me there had been Quite a few Advancements in Medicine including in the Treatment for the Prevention of Rabies in People Bitten by Wild Animal or Dogs and Cats without known Current (aka Valid) Rabies Vaccination. They used to Stab the Patient REPEATEDLY in the Abdomen with a SLEW OF INJECTIONS and was know it be EXTREMELY PLEASANT AKA PAINFUL.

Like I said though Luckily for Me I ended up getting an Entire Bag of IV Antibiotics, 4 Shots in My left Arm, 3 Shots in My Right Arm, One in My Left Ass Cheek, and One Shot at the Bite Sight. That means they give You SEVERAL INJECTIONS directly around the Wound which seems to be the Worst of Both Worlds. After the Shots and Intravenous Antibiotic regiment They released Me after Letting Me know I’d have to come Back periodically for subsequent follow up Injections to Finish the Entire Rabies Protocol. That was unless the Dog was Cleared as a Rabies Threat before the Treatment Shots were Done.

Now allow Me a moment to fill in any of Our Reader’s in on a Little fact. Until VERY recently there was only one Protocol for a Situation like this which is I go for Medical Treatment, and the Dog would be Surrendered (aka Turned Over) to Animal Care and Control. The Dog would remain Quarantined at Animal Care and Control until it was Promptly Euthanized after which its Head would be Severed, and its Brain Dissected for signs of Rabies. Though Morbid as a Motherfucker it was the Deemed the only effective way to handle the Situation.

A Few Years ago the Thinking on how to Handle said situation changed Dramatically. Those in the Know as it were had come to the Conclusion that since Rabies takes 10 Days before becoming Symptomatic so if a Dog per say with No Documented Rabies Vaccination Bit Someone it could be Kept in Quarantine for 10 Days. After 10 Days the Animal would start to become Systematic which is Impossible to Miss since it Involves such things as Staggering, Excessive Drooling, Irrational and Unusually Aggressive Behavior, and a Irrational Fear of Water as Rabies Rots and Erodes the Patients Brain and Nervous System. This way the Animal Didn’t have to be Killed Unnecessarily which Everyone Agreed was a Much Better than the Previous Method.

As Luck would have it the Dog was in the End Cleared and I didn’t have to finish out the Entire Regiment of Rabies Shots. I did though Have to go and get 2 Subsequent injections while the Dog was in Quarantine which sucked balls. I don’t mind getting Shots/Injections at this point in My Life, BUT I HATE WAITING LIKE MOTHERFUCKER. You see when You show up at the ER for a simple Shot You are obviously the LOWEST PRIORITY, and will Remain so Indefinitely. This means a SHIT TON of Waiting I’m talking fucking HOURS, But Alls Well That Ends Well.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober (2:21 am)

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (48/365)

Lee a bit startled by Dizzy’s sudden outburst looked up from the ground where He had been Looking to avoid stepping on shards of Broken Glass or a Used Syringe. Parked directly in front of Dizzy’s Apartment Building was a Vehicle that was so Small it was a wonder anyone referred to it as a Car in the First fucking Place. Standing next to the Smart Car was a Young man who looked to be in his Early to Mid Twenties wearing a Big Bang T-Shirt featuring the Character Sheldon on it, a Pair of Kaki Cargo Shorts, and a Pair of Pristine White Converse All Star Sneakers. Lee imagined The Driver resembled one of the Many Action Figures languishing in Perfect Condition Imprisoned in Their Original Packing/Box back at His Studio Apartment.

“A fucking Smart Car, Why even fucking bother to Show the fuck Up? Smart Cars aren’t a Car, nor a legitimate Vehicle as THEY ARE A GODDAMN JOKE. There Tiny Hippy Mobiles going all Green with No Carbon Footprint or what the fuck ever.” yelled Dizzy Aggressively as He waved His Arms in the Air like a Chicken trying to Fly, and continuously pointing at the Smart Car during His Tirade.

“Smart Cars are Safe as long as You don’t drive like a total dick, and it gets 60 Miles per Charge, and No fluctuating Gas Prices to deal with.” replied the Driver holding His Ground.

“60 Miles? 60 Motherfucking Miles? I PISS 60 MILES for fucks sake, and was it fully fucking charged before You drove the fuck over here in Your glorified Roller Skate?!” Dizzy demanded to know Seething with Equal Parts Contempt and Disgust.

“Well No Infant I charged it overnight, and I’ve had 2 calls before You today not thats its any of Your Business. I’m just telling You because Your being a Temperamentally Judgmental Tool if You must Know.” The Driver said Unwaveringly Without Batting an Eyelash.

“JESUS so its Not even fully charged, seriously WTF is wrong with You are You just hear to fuck with Me until I have a goddamn Stroke or some shit. How are We going to get anywhere without a Full fucking charge You Negligent asshole?!” growled Dizzy at the Driver giving Him the Classic 1,000 Yard Stare.

“The 2 previous calls like Yours were Rides around the City so it’s Not like I just drove cross country or finish a Nascar Race. We’ll be perfectly Fine I assure You.” said The Driver in Honesty.

“You assure Me, You fucking Assure Me?! FUCK YOU! You have No fucking idea if We will make it to Our Destination before We get stranded when Your Hot Wheels here Runs Out of Battery Charge?! You never asked Us where We were going so How the hell do You claim to know We’re going to be OK? Are You a Part Time Psychic, is that it You’re a Ride Driver by Day, and a Psychic by Night You ignorant Jackass.” asked Dizzy in the Low, Calm, and Steady tone of a Sociopath.

“Where is Your Destination Sir?” replied The Driver in a Sarcasticly Mocking Tone of Voice.

“To The Crystal Dinner over on 76th and 9764th which has to be at least 20 plus miles away You Geek Squad Wannabe.” snarled Dizzy who’s Body Language suggested He was struggling to keep from punching the Driver right in the Face.

“How far can We go then on the Current Charge?” interjected Lee who found the scene Delightfully Entertaining, BUT He didn’t want shit to get Violent. Violence Spoils a Good Time Every time that was Lee’s experience.

“Let Me Check for You Sir.” quipped The Driver Snidely giving Dizzy the Eat Shit and Die look plastered across His Face.

Stay Tuned For The Next Absurdist Installment of………

LEE JONITIS:PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (49/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

The Architecture of Human Anatomy

The Following is an Excerpt form F-YourPlay’s Current Project “The Architecture of Human Anatomy”.

Location: The Human Assembly Plant’s Board Room

In the Board room sits McCoy the current CEO at the Head of a Massive Table that seats a Heavy 16 Other Individuals. In Walk Two Individuals in Dark Green Coveralls carrying Clipboards one in each hand looking a Bit Confused. McCoy asks the Men to Sit which They do with One sitting directly to McCoy’s Left and One directly to His Right. Once the Individuals have taken a seat McCoy Abruptly Stands Up so fast His Chair goes sailing backwards and slams into the wall.

McCoy: Dear Management I have summoned you both Here today due to the Fact that after I reviewed the Initial Construction Plans, I had some very serious questions pertaining to something I saw on the Blue Prints. (McCoy looks at the Individual sitting to His Left) Thomas I brought You here since You are the Operations Supervisor so You correlate all the intricate details of Assembly. (McCoy shifts His gaze to the Individual to His right) Tim I sent for You as You are the Head of Our Mechanics Department so You know every piece of this Puzzle and what it does or what it’s for.

Thomas: Thank You it’s a Great Honor….

McCoy: To what Kiss My Ass? This isn’t a Social Visit Boys there some real possible problems We are facing that could delay or destroy Our Product Projection Plan. Do You think My Superior wants me kissing his ass, THAT IS NOT THE CASE I ASSURE YOU. My Boss wants My Head in the Game or on a Silver Platter, Thats the goddamn reality I live in. I exist in a constant Low Level of Anxiety. You know what really fucks with one’s anxiety, ISSUE MY FRIENDS ISSUE. Issues if they aren’t instantly stopped out become PROBLEMS and that when We find Ourselves waist deep in the Shit which in addition to being Feces is also rising.

Tim (confused but Curious) : What if I may Ask are Your concerns for Our currently Project as it were?!

McCoy: Now there is the initiative I need in this Harrowing Time. Alright let’s get to it shall We Friends. Let’s Us start with the Nose shall We. As I understand it the Human Nose is the Breathing Apparatus Yes?!

Tim: Yes that is correct it is for the intake of Oxygen which is the Principle Full used in almost All of Our Past Projects, and a standard We felt was worth sticking too.

McCoy: THEN EXPLAIN THE MUCUS! Why the hell did we add Mucus in the Nasal Passage ways since Mucus clogs them up happening the breathing process? Its counter fucking productive by definition.

Thomas: Well the Mucus acts like a filtration system to weed out unwanted Particles of various debris to prevent inhalation into the Lungs which causes extremely serious complications to Repertory Health of Our Product. Also Mucus is also designed to enter a more liquid fluid like state to aid in the drainage of Diseases such as Colds or worse the Flu helping expedite the self repairing Systems we installed.

McCoy: Mucus while it sounds quite useful may need to be reengineered or replaced all together as there glitches in its Protocol, but for now let’s move on to the Lungs. Why are we going with lungs as opposed to Gills then answer Me that?!

Tim: If we used gills inlace of lungs then they wouldn’t be Modern Humans they’d be fish. Fish are an exceedingly great product with thousands of Versions and variations they are in fact rather stupid creatures.

McCoy: I heard Dolphins where extremely intelligent.

Tim: First off they are in fact Mammals and if they were in fact exceptionally intelligent then they would move out of the Ocean and eat something other than smaller fish. We were under the distinct impression that the new Modern Human project would be our most advanced product yet.

McCoy: Fuck Dolphins then. We can stick with the lungs since they are significantly cheaper than the Gills which require the extraction of the Oxygen fuel from the Water, that filtration like process is far to damned expensive. Honestly that’s why the Company stopped using gills all together, it was to simply cut down on overhead you see.

Thomas: We have done everything possible to enhance the Modern Human Project well beyond initial projections.

McCoy: Have You? Have you really? Then what the fuck is an Appendix for? The Appendix is from a Historically Outdated Model so why is this archaic piece of shit even on the blueprints in the first fucking place Huh?

Tim: It was a budgetary issue. True the Appendix is severely outdated by several thousands of years, BUT if we didn’t use it the Expense would be deducted from Next Years budget. We didn’t want our budget decreased so we found an out of the place space to stick it the saving next years budget.

McCoy: Excellent thinking Friends thats MUCH more like it, We love company minded employees, oh that we do. Tell me then about the Intestinal Tact is that a budgetary issue as well? You see what I can’t get my head around is why we are using 20 fucking feet for the SMALL intestine, and a fucking additional 5 feet for the Large intestine. And if those are the actual measurements why the hell are We calling the bigger one Small and the smaller one Large? It’s going to complicate the instruction manual for sure.

Thomas: Well Phil in Research and Development thought it be funny as all hell if we used the total 25 feet of intestines so when Any Human Product Model got split in half or its Abdomen bursts then the intestines would pop out like the “snakes”used in those Joke Peanut Brittle cans.

Tim: As for the names Burt in Labeling is Dyslexic.

McCoy: We will need to reevaluate the Intestines at a later date then as they seem like a serious waste of Time and materials a straight line from Stomach to Rectum makes far more sense like with the Mouth to the Stomach connection. Speaking of wasted time and materials what the fuck is the deal with Hair?

Tim: Aesthetics mainly as your correct hair is unnecessary in the Modern Human Product.

Thomas: They seem to love playing with it, well the hair on their heads anyway. They cut it in different styles, dye it different colors, braid it all there all kinds of options.

McCoy: Aesthetics and Personal preference aside Hair is Obsolete. Even if it wasn’t there would still be the issue of Modern Human Product’s constantly deriving ways to REMOVE said hair. They have waxes, lotions, creams, tweezers, razors, specialized razors, and even fucking lasers. Hair is utterly pointless in my book. Now on to the Eyes.

Tim: what about them?

McCoy: We invented 5 different senses to Aid our Modern Human Products to navigate their world so why is it that 90% of the MHP’s information pertaining to their surroundings/world come solely from the fucking Eyes then?

Tim: The eyes were designed by Trent who is an overrated individual who pioneered the Nervous System so Management considers Him some kind of super fucking genius. They think so highly of Him they let him do pretty much whatever the fuck We wants, and they eat it up. Trent shits and The Board give him standing Applauses.

McCoy: That all is completely ridiculous. After this meeting I will be drawing up the proper and appropriate paperwork for Trent’s immediate Termination citing Gross Negligence. 5 senses should work together equally none should be more predominate than any other, its common fucking sense here.

Thomas: Are there any other concerns you’d like us to address?

McCoy: Damn Straight there are. Why did We select Hands over Paws?!

Thomas: Again the Modern Human Project is supposed to be our most advanced model to date, and since it was determined that they would walk upright instead of the On All Fours previous protocol they already had feet, so we worked on designing the Hands.

Tim: The only issue We hand when developing the Hands Model was with just 4 fingers the hands were flawed as fuck and virtually useless.

Thomas: That was until Phil made the correlation between Hands and Feet, noticing that without the Big toe walking was flawed and virtually useless. So Phil invented the Thumb or The Hand’s Big toe as he refers to it constantly.

McCoy: Well what the fuck Phil You’re getting a Promotion with a significant pay increase. That’s the creative drive we need to pull off this Modern Human Model. What Initiative. Phil is a fucking Visionary. The deal with Butt cheeks what’s that all about? None of Our other Life Models have Butt Cheeks, NO ONE NEEDS THEM. Not the Amphibians, Reptiles, insects, Fish, Birds, Mammals, Arachnids, not even the Microscopic Organisms need butt cheeks to dedicate properly.

Tim: They are simply space filler.

McCoy: Fucking space filler? Why do we need space filler for fucks sake?!

Tim: Since the sedition was made to have the Modern Human Models walk upright we had some spare space that needed to be fleshed out. We needed something to fill in the space between the lower back and the Top of the Legs. Also without them the MHM’s would have great difficulty sitting down which is a primary and essential function as it was described to us by Upper Management.

McCoy: Goddamn this walking upright Schematic its absolutely insane. Now we have negative spaces that we have to find a way to fill thats just fucking wonderful. Now why do we need Kidneys AND a Bladder?!

Thomas: The Bladder is the holding/short term storage of the by product of Urine. The Kidneys are the filtering system for the Bladder removing a number of harmful agents from advancing further through the MH’s various Systems.

McCoy: Fine but why can’t the Bladder DO BOTH, why can’t it FILTER and STORE Urine in the short term? The Modern Human Model has a great deal of excess parts and unnecessary measurements.

Tim: We hadn’t considered the dual functioning factor pertaining to the Bladder, but we will run the idea down to R&D immediately after this meetings conclusion.

McCoy: Very Good, our company loves loyalty. Now what’s going on with the use of Hydrochloric Acid in the Stomach as part of the digestive process, I mean Hydrochloric Acid melts the Modern Human Model’s flesh, skin, fat, and muscles leaving nothing but bare bones. Thus I am gravely concerned about its usage in the digestive process.

Thomas: True that Hydrochloric Acid is on the “Will Kill Them” watch list, but again Phil has invented a ratio that allows for digestive aid without the unpleasant liquifying effects. It’s the picture of everything in moderation I suppose.

McCoy: I suppose you’re right. Goddamn Phil is going to have a great day after this meeting, Phil is going places. Alright before I conclude this meeting for today I have one last Topic that needs addressing and thats the reproductive organs.

Tim: Genitals.

McCoy: What?!

Time: Genitals, they’re called genitals.

McCoy: I don’t give a rat’s ass what they are called it doesn’t negate any or all issues pertaining to said Genitals.

Tim and Thomas simultaneously: Duly Noted.

McCoy: Now here’s where I get concerned. What grabbed my attention initially was the vastly different schematic layouts for Modern Human Model in the Man model and the Female Model are exceedingly on the opposite ends of the spectrum.

Tim: Please could you elaborate a little for us please.

McCoy: Sure I can. The Male Model is external which makes it susceptible to injury or damage, why do we not have a skull around the genitals for protection of a fucking ribcage? Anyway the Male Model is basic and straight forward for the most part, at least as where general daily use and function are concerned anyhow.

Thomas: The Skull simply is not structurally possible, especially with the Internal Reproductive organs of our Female Model. There is No space in the Female Model, and even if there was it would only serve to totally fuck everything up. Even the Man model would be hampered on a regular daily basis by the addition of a second skull to protect the genitals.

McCoy: Fine the skull issue has been put to bed. Still why is the Female Human Model much more complex with far more parts than in our Human Male Model?

Tim: Phil’s brother Bill works in the Reproductive Design department and well he’s a dreamer, but he is also prone to the “Too Many Cooks in the Kitchen” when it comes to his thinking. He started with the Human Male Model and after designing it He was on a roll he felt. So the next thing We know Bill just keeps adding additional parts to the Human Female Model like a run away train or something. There was no way to stop or slow him down once he’s reached peaked creative mania.

McCoy: Well I have much to think about so this meeting is Over. I will have to have Bill called into Resource Department for an Evaluation. There is a fine line between Artistic excitement and Serious Insanity.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Meet The Goddamn Gallows

Meet the Unique and Almost indescribable Bands of Today The Goddamn Gallows.

Members:

Mickey Classic: Vocals and Guitar
Fishgutzzz: Vocals and Stand Up Bass
Uriah Baker (aka Baby Genius): Drums
Avery: Washboard and Accordion (Joined in 2009)
Jake Orvis: Banjo and Mandolin (Joined in 2009)

The Goddamn Gallows originated in Lansing Michigan in 2004 when the Three Original Founding Members Mikey Classic, Fishgutzz, and Amanda Kill (who was the Band’s original drummer until replace by Uriah Baker ) met During a Violent Face Scarring Flophouse Fight against Benton Gangbangers.

From The Goddamn Gallows were Raised on the Road Migrating like Nomads as They Toured America Playing Gigs. During 2007 to 20011 While Traveling the Nation The Band lived in Broken Down Vans, Storage Units, Abandoned Buildings, Fleabag Dive Motels, Shitty Shoebox Apartments, Homeless Tent Cities, and Squatter Camps. The Band Drove whatever Piece of Shit could get Them to the Next Show, and built a Reputation for Their Live Performances. In 2009 The Band added Avery and Jake Orvis to the Lineup looking to Enhance Their sound.

The Goddamn Gallows Music is as Eclectic and Eccentric as The Band Members Themselves. The Band’s Music is/has been Described as a Blend of the Following: Psychobilly, Punk, Rock’n Roll, Metal, Hardcore, Celtic Punk, Cow Punk, Hobocore, Americana, Rockabilly, Blue Grass, Punk Rock, and Gutterbilly.

FYB has assembled Four of Our favorite Goddamn Gallows Songs, and Their Unconventional Cover of England’s Black/Death Metal Pioneers Venom’s song Classic In League With Satan.

All Videos were Filmed at Live at Various Concerts from over the Years and are as Follows:

Ya’all Motherfuckers Need Jesus
7 Devils
The Maker
Howlin’ Wind
In League With Satan (Venom Cover)

Thanks for Watching/Listening

Presented By Les Sober

FYB’s Hellish Halloween Movie: Drive In Massacre

Welcome to FYB’s Hellish Halloween Presentation of the Cult Slasher Movie Classic DRIVE IN MASSACRE!!!

What Happens when in Little Town USA when a PHANTOM SERIAL KILLER descends upon the Local Drive In Hellbent on Turning it into a GRAVEYARD! After a GRISLY MURDER the CARNAGE Continues into a Full Blown BLOODBATH as the DEAD BODIES Start Piling Up. Can Dedicated Detectives Mike Leary and John Koch Uncover the Phantom Killer’s real Identity and Stop the Slaughter before it turns into a DRIVE IN MASSACRE?

Hope You Enjoyed Tonight’s Slasher Cinema, and Happy Halloween from Us here at f-yourblog.com!

Presented By Les Sober

The Repugnant Return of GWAR to FYB with Phallus in Wonderland

GWAR the Scumdog’s of the Universe are Back and Wreaking Havoc like Never Before in PHALLUS IN WONDERLAND!!!

Phallus In Wonderland is Thrash Metal Punk Rock Band Gwar’s First Attempt in a Commercially Released Long Form Film. The Video was Nominated for a GRAMMY in 1993, but Lost to Annie Lennox of all fucking People. I mean how the fuck does GWAR even End Up in the Same Category as Annie Lennox in the First fucking Place Anyhow?!

Phallus In Wonderland is the Story of Gwar’s Battle Against The Morality Squad, after the Theft of Lead Singer Oderous Urungus’s “Cuttlefish of Cthulhu” which is Oderous’s Pet Name for His Penis. Gwar is summonsed to New York City for a Commercial Shoot for Gwar Serial a Cornflake-like Food sprinkled with Cocaine in place of Sugar.

The Morality Squad’s Religious Representative Father Bohab is preparing to Lauch an Attack on Gwar is Convicted of Molesting a 12 year Old Choir Boy. The Shocked Morality Squad believe Bohab was Framed by Gwar and Their Unscrupulous Manager Sleazy P. Martini. Bob is ultimately released and Lead a Morality Squad Protest Picketing Gwar. That is Until Gwar along with Sleazy BRUTALLY ATTACK the Crowd, resulting in Bohab being DISEMBOWELED .

Gwar then Travel to a Nightclub where the indulge in MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF COCAINE. The following Morning The Cuttlefish of Cthulhu reunites with Oderous after Escaping form the Grasp of The Morality Squad, and Warns Gwar of The Morality Squads Imminent Attack. Once the Fight is Over Gwar emerges Victorious having Beaten the Morality Squad. For-Gor (a Giant T-Rex) is Born, and toys to Destroy the World. Gwar must Battle Gor-Gor who is inevitably Killed at the hands of Gwar. The Cuttlefish of Cthulhu ends up Happily Reunited with Its Owner Oderous Urungus.

We Hope You Enjoyed This Little Piece Of Murderous Mayhem As Much As We Did.

Thanks for Watching,

Presented By Les Sober

Facebook is F*cked and Zuckerberg is a Racist Scumbag

Let’s get one fact straight right from the get go. Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg AND Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey are BOTH Trump Supporter Scum of the Earth. They’re spineless greed driven GOP Social Media Propaganda Puppets. The only fucking reason NEITHER CEO asshole has (and Never would) discloser Their Personal Political Views because the greedy sons of bitches don’t want to loose Users, and lets fucking face it thats just a nice way of saying MONEY.

If either asshole came out Pro Trump they’d lose a shit ton of Users and subsequently a literal shit ton of Money, BUT if They came out Anti Trump the exact same thing would happen. Though in Todays Chaotic Environment it’s very easy to Tell Who Zuckerberg and Dorsey Support through Their Shady and Hypocritical Actions and Claims.

A little over Two Weeks ago Zuckerberg informed the American Public that He/Facebook WOULDN’T DO A GODDAMN THING to Stop Politicians on Facebook Who Spew and Promote Fake News, Disinformation, and All Out Lies. It’s painfully obvious this is to Aid Trump the Obese Orange Asshole to commit MORE FRAUD, CRIMES, AND TREASON just like in 2016.

The Democrats to Their Credit DIDN’T Run a Massive Smear Campaign, Employ Bots to do Their Bidding, Hire Russian Hackers, Collude with Russian Dictator Vladimiro Putin, Spread Fake News, Spew Propaganda and disproved/unfounded conspiracy theories, engage in Voter Suppression Tactics, Purposely spread Misinformation, Use Racism as a Promotional Tool, and They Didn’t COMIT FUCKING TREASON.

Meanwhile Facebook is BY FAR the Largest Social Media Platform for Racist Hate Groups. You want to find the Flu Klux Klan, White Nationalists, Neo Nazis, Proud Boys, all You have to do is simply Log onto Facebook where there’s plenty of White Supremacy Hatred to go Around. Again Zuckerberg has DONE ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to Stop or Shut Down these Racist Hate Groups Facebook Pages. He has been completely Ambivalent about it as if He could care fucking less because the Scumfuck is making a Fortune, and is a fucking Racist piece of Shit Too.

Racist Birds of a Feather Hate Together. So basically Facebook’s Rules of User Use, Conduct, and Rules Don’t Mean a fucking thing. Regular Users get Penalized for Minor infractions while the Racist Hate Groups are allowed to Continue promoting Fear and Hate on a Daily Basis Worldwide on Their Social Media Platform.

Then this Week Zuckerfucker was CAUGHT LYING IN HIS GOVERNMENT TESTIMONY pertaining to Facebook hiring The Daily Caller as Fact Checkers.For Those Who may Not know The Daily Caller is a Major Well Documented Racist Organization. Zuckerberg played the “I Run a Huge Global Company so I’m too busy to know Everything that Goes On” Card. After His Testimony the TRUTH came out and the Facts were far fucking Different than Zuckerburg’s bullshit claim.

It turns out Zuckerberg knew EXACTLY What the Daily Caller Organization was, was IN FAVOR of Hiring Them, and was Directly involved in the ENTIRE PROCESS. To Recap Zuckerberg Knowingly hired a Long Time Racist Hate Group as supposedly legitimate Fact Checkers, Yet another move that Aides Trump since Trump Supporters are inherently Ignorant, Uneducated White Trash Racist Scumbags.

Then just a Couple of Days ago Zuckerburg Announced Facebooks New Upcoming and I quote “Quality News” Platform. This sounded like more Facebook bullshit that was until it came out that one of the Top “Quality News” Organizations that would be Promoted on Facebook’s New News Platform was None Other than BREIBART. The American Public was introduced to Breibart in 2016 Thanks to Trump Loving Alcoholic Wife Beating White Nationalist Steve Bannon (who in the end apparently not a shitty enough of a person and Breibart booted Him out the Door).

Breibart built itself on a Foundation of RACISM, XENOPHOBIA, ANTI-SEMITISM, AND PROMOTING RACIST CONSPIRACY THEORIES. Breibart is so utterly fucking Despicable They were DENIED SENATE PRESS CREDENTIALS. Thanks to Their Hate Filled White Nationalist Views/Content More than 4,000 Companies have BANNED BREIBART FROM RUNNING THEIR ADVERTISEMENTS. Breibart has also been KICKED OFF OF ALMOST EVERY SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORM SO FAR FOR RACIST PROPAGANDA. SO Once Again Zuckerburg Hired a Well known RACIST HATE GROUP to work for/with Facebook providing so called “Quality News”.

Lastly as far as the Moronic MAGA Maggots once Trump the Traitor had been Impeached, Removed, Arrested, and Imprisoned I believe We should DEPORT THE SACKS OF SHIT. Now I wouldn’t wish MAGAs on My Worst Enemy so the Question is Where the fuck do You send Human Garbage?! My Suggestion is taking a Page out of England’s Historical Playbook. When England back in he Day wanted to Elevate Over Crowded Prisons and Prevent future Crime decided to Deport all The Criminals to Australia and effectively Strand Them There for Good.

I propose America does the Same Thing, BUT instead of Australia We Deport and Dump the motherfucking MAGAs in Antartica. They can’t fuck with or talk shit to anyone since the current Population of Antartica is ZERO. That and MAGAs are so fucking proud of Being White, The Color White, and All Thing White Antartica would be fucking Perfect as its Entirely White.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (47/365)

The Conversation was abruptly interrupted by a Loud and constant Pounding on Dizzy’s Door. In the blink of a fucking Eye Dizzy strode over to the couch, dropped to His knees, reached underneath the Couch and pulled out a Large Meat Cleaver. Then Dizzy with Meat Cleaver at the ready strode over to the Door and threw it Wide Open like a B-Horror Movie Lunatic standing in the Door way brandishing a Meat Cleaver.

Standing in the Narrow dimly lit Hallway was a skinny almost emaciated looking Kid who looked to be around 11 or 12 years of age. The Kid didn’t flinch a single muscle as the Door flung open forcefully smacking into the Wall with a Solid Thug. The Boy didn’t blink at the sight of a Irritable Asshole standing in front of Him glaring angrily at Him holding a Meat Cleaver. Through all the insanity the Boy remained perfectly still, and appeared to be completely unfazed by the whole situation.

“What the hell do You want Kid? Well What?! What do You want?!” Demanded Dizzy now appearing to be Utterly Psychotic.

The Boy took a moment to brush His bangs out of His eyes with His hand before answering Dizzy. Meanwhile Dizzy looked like He was about to suffer a Rage induced Aneurysm waiting impatiently for the Kids reply. Jesus Christ Lee thought to Himself Dizzy is definitely a very Cool Guy but Hanging out with Him was getting a tad Exhausting trying to Keep up with Dizzy’s Manic and ever changing Moods.

Dizzy seemed to Deal solely in Extremes there was No Middle Ground, No Grey Area the World was governed by what He proceeded to be Right and Wrong. While Lee was coming to appreciate Dizzy’s Passionate Persona it left Him feeling increasingly Drained as the Day went on.

“You called for a Car right.” answered the Kid unassumingly while shifting His weight from foot to foot, and not due to feeling Uneasy but more out of Boredom than anything else.

“Oh fuck Me Running!”, Dizzy exclaimed Loudly his Voice echoing down the Hallway like it was a Medieval Crypt Tunnel, “I absolutely fucking forgot We called Ride for a fucking Ride like, shit 30 minutes or so Ago goddamnit it all to Hell!”

“Well We better hurry the fuck up and Decide what the fuck We are doing then.” said Lee trying carefully Not to Exacerbate the Issue anymore than Necessary.

“Ok here We go how about this,” Dizzy pondered out loud, “I told My Buddy Phil I’d do Him a Work Favor so We could head over to The Crystal Dinner for a couple Beers and Burgers. While We there I can do what I need to to help out My Buddy Phil, and then Drinks are on Me until We part Ways at Least?”

“Sure why the hell Not I could Eat.” Lee said since it was the Easiest Path Traveled at that Moment, and Honestly He was hungry as Hell having spent all Morning into the Afternoon Day Drinking like a Lush.

So the Lee and Dizzy grabbed Their gear and ran out of the Apartment not even pausing long enough to close the Door. Lee was going to say something about the open Door, but then He figured if Dizzy didn’t mind Why the fuck should He it was Dizzy shit anyway. The Gruesome Twosome barreled through the tight, dark and rather Dank hallway corridors, and then went sleeping down the Stairs as fast as Their feet would take them.

They Two busted out the Apartment buildings Front Door like They had been shot out of a fucking Cannon onto the Street. Lee stopped for a moment bent over trying to catch His Breath. Fucking Cigarettes Lee thought to Himself as He chest Heaved Up and Down like the Ocean Waves during a fucking Hurricane.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT BULLSHIT A FUCKING SMART CAR!!!” Screamed Dizzy in complete Disbelief and Total Disgust.

Stay Tuned For Next Weeks Insanely Baffling Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (48/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober