Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (36/365)

Note To Readers: I apologize for This Installment of LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER being a Day Late as Time got Away from Me. Again I Apologize for the Delay.

As soon as The Quarter came to Rest Dancing Dave bent over Painfully Slow, and Picked it Up. He then all of a Sudden Came Alive like Frankenstein’s Monster with 150,000 Volts of Electricity running through it. Dancing Dave flashed a Robotic Grin and Started to Dance right there on the Corner. This however wasn’t a Dance per Say as it Resembled An Irish Riverdance Style Jig as it were.

Dancing Dave kept Both arms rigidly Locked at His Sides while His Legs and Feet pranced about Like a Tap Dancer on a Cocaine Bender. It reminded Lee of the Crazy Kung Fu Films He watched as a Kid on Sunday Afternoons Growing Up. Dancing Dave’s Entire Routine lasted Only about a Minute before Dancing Dave Stopped and Returned to His Statuesque State.

    

Dizzy promptly Lobbed another Quarter at Dancing Dave You then preformed the Same sort of Short and Furious Foot Work.

“I could fucking do this All Day. Some People might say its a waste of Money or some similarly Lame shit, BUT I rather spend My Change here on the Corner with Dancing Dave then dumping My Spare Change into a fucking Coin Star like all the Other Lemmings.” said Dizzy rather Triumphantly as If He had just made the Final Argument that Won some Prestigious Debate.

       

They watched Dancing Dan until He was Done, and presided to Their Final Destination being Dizzy’s Apartment. It was several more Blocks until They arrived leaving Lee to contemplate How Different Peoples Definitions of Everyday Words Differed Greatly. If the Roles had been reversed Lee would have Invited Dizzy, and then informed Him it was a rather long Walk or pErhaps He’d used the Word Hike instead of Walk. Apparently Dizzy on the Other Hand thought this Lengthy Treck was Nothing more than an average Walk.

“Ah Here We are Home Shitty Home.” Announced Dizzy as the Pair stopped in Front of a Old 6 Story Brick Apartment Building. There was a Homeless Man who reeked of Stale Beer and Staler Urine fast asleep in the Doorway blocking the Actual Door. Dizzy unceremoniously kicked at the Bum several times to No Avail as the Bum Slumbered on Undeterred by the Kicking.

       

“Fuck All.” sighed Dizzy under His Breath looking around in Frustration. Dizzy tossed about a Bunch of Old Newspapers, Empty Beer Cans, Discarded Cigarette Butts, and other assorted Litter laying around the Still Sleeping Bum. Dizzy Located at Last what He was so Desperately Searching for with Great and Obvious Annoyance. It was a Half Empty Pint Bottle of Maddog 20/20 Grape Flavored Fortified Wine.

Dizzy using His bottom of His T-shirt to Unscrew the Bottle Cap and Then Lowered the Bottle until it was Directly under the Slumbering Bum’s Nostrils. The perviously comatose Bum began to Return to Reality emerging from the Depths of His Drunken Oblivion.

         

Tune In Next Week For The Next Pulse Racing Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (37/365)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

(*Note: Clay, Happy Anniversary of Your Birth Bud.)

The Chronic Chronicles

Arijuana Marijuana woke Suddenly as His Sinsemilla Super Senses where Going Off Like an Air Raid Horn. It felt like He had fallen asleep on His Brain which in turn had “Fallen Asleep”, and Now was Suffering the Side Affect of His Brain feeling like Pins and Needles.

       

Somewhere in the Immediate Area there was Someone Bogarting a Joint which is a CLEAR VIOLATION of Pothead Edict, and Thus Must Be Stopped. Arijuana Marijuana sprung into Action Grabbing His Hemp Superhero Suit, and His trusty Bashing Bong. The Bashing Bong was 6 feet Long and made of some Secret Sativa Infused Metal as part of a Failed 1969 Drug War Experiment. Once He was ready and full equipped Arijuana  jumped behind the Wheel of His Mighty Spliff Mobile, and Speed Off through the Coloradan Countryside Towards Indica Issue at Hand.

        

When Arijuana Marijuana pulled into the Parking Lot of a 7-11 He instantly saw The Two Pot Smokers in Question. The Gentlemen on the Left looked Disgruntled as all Hell while the Gentlemen on the Right was Obliviously Babbling On while Sporadicly taking Puff After Indulgent Puff of a Giant Ganja Spliff.

        

Arijuana Marijuana left from The Spliff Mobile and took off Running towards the Dank Smoking Duo Post Haste. Once He had reached the Two Ganja Enjoying Gentlemen Arijuana Marijuana took Hold of His Bashing Bong (like it was a Baseball Bat), and Swung for the Fences . The Bashing Bong Hit the Bogarting Gentlemen directly Upside His Head.

       

The Force of the Blow from the Bashing Bong sent the Top of The Bogarting Gentleman Flying Through the Air like a fucking Frisbee, and the Gentlemen Soaring in an Elaborate Arch into a Neighboring Drainage Ditch. The Bogarting Gentlemen landed at the Bottom of the Drainage Ditch (with His Exposed Brain Glistening in the Afternoon Sun), and Started to Wonder How and Why He was In Fact at the Bottom of a Drainage Ditch.

Arijuana Marijuana strolled Over to the Edge of the Drainage Ditch and Yelled as Authoritatively as Possible “IT’S PUFF, PUFF, PASS YOU ASSHOLE.” , and with that Walked Triumphantly back to The Spliff Mobile.

       

As Arijuana Marijuana pulled Out of the Parking Lot He observed The Once Disgruntled Gentlemen Bend Down and Pick Up the Freshly Liberated Spliff. The Gentlemen then wondered over and Peered Questioningly at His Associate and Asshole at Sitting Flat on His ass in a goddamn Drainage Ditch.

   

Another Spliff had been Saved by The One and Only THC SUPER POWERED POT SMOKING HERO ARIJUANA MARIJUANA .

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

FYB’s Freaky Friday Night Film: GOZU

Welcome To FYB’s Friday Freaky Friday Film GOZU!

This Movie takes Surreal to Levels NEVER Before Believed Possible!!!

A Mind Melting Bizarre Movie that Goes Down the Rabbit Hole To HELL, and BACK from Revered Japanese Director Takashi Miike!!!

So Any Fans of David Lynch or Dario Argento will Be VERY PLEASED with this Film Selection.

       

There are Some People that Honestly Believe the only way One can Understand Gozu is to Be Under The Influence of a Hallucinogenics. I think if Anyone Tried that it FRY THE FUCK OUT OF THEIR BRAIN Leaving Them Tragically as a Drooling Catatonic a Mere Step Above BRAIN DEAD.

FYB DOES NOT Encourage OR Condone The Use of Hallucinogenics.

So What is GOZU You’re asking Yourself??!

Well in Japanese Buddhism GOZU is a COW HEADED DEMON who is A GENERAL who guards The Gates of HELL! He appears as a TERRIFYING ONI (Evil or Malicious Ghost)  with a COW’S HEAD!!!

GOZU is Extremely POWERFUL and is capable of Physically Moving MOUNTAINS, and is a Servant of GREAT KING ENMA The Ruler of HELL, and is 1 of the CHIEF TORTURERS & PUNISHERS of The Wicked!

GOZU is 1 of the First DEMONS that You Encounter upon Entering HELL, and IF You manage to Escape From HELL, GOZU is Sent to BRING YOU BACK!

       

PLOT SUMMERY: Gang Member Monami respects His Brother Ozaki who always Protected Him in the Past. Tragically However, Osaka seems to be Going INSANE! Gang Leader Azamawari is Unsympathetic to Ozaki’s Insanity and DEMANDS THAT MINAMI KILL HIS OWN BROTHER!!!

And as Always: WARNING! THE FOLLOWING MOVIE HAS SCENES THAT SOME VIEWERS MAY FIND DISTURBING. VIEWER DIGRESSION IS SERIOUSLY ADVISED. Enjoy.

NOTE: You will Have to Turn On The Closed Caption as the Film Doesn’t Come with Them. For those with an Aversion to Subtitles Better Luck Next Time (Week)

Hope You Survived The Master Mindfuck that is GOZU.

Good Night and Sleep Tight.

   Presented By Les Sober  

Autocalypse: When the Other Motorist’s Insurance is Shit

One Random Day My Wife asked if She could Borrow My Car to Run a Quick Errand and I said of Course. I’m Not on of those Guys that Insanely Compulsive about Their Car (Example: “ONLY I Drive My Car.”) and All I really cared about was Not being Dragged along as I hate Shopping in ALL Its Forms. Luckily for Me My Presence was Not required so I tossed Her the Keys, Fired Up the Laptop, and Settled in for a little Impromptu Me Time as it were.

30 Minutes had passed and I was thoroughly Enjoying Myself when then Phone Rang. I picked it up and it was My Wife who immediately told Me to STAY CALM, But something Happened to My Car. She then wen on to Inform Me that as She (along with a Dear Family Friend) had been Slowly Cruising the Grocery Parking Lot for a Space, and  Low and Behold an Elderly Lady  Pulled Out/ Backed Out of Her Parking Spot and Directly into My Rear Passenger Car Door. I instructed My Wife to make SURE NO ONE LEFT the Scene before I got there and that I was leaving the House as We Spoke.

       

I jumped into My Wife’s Car and Headed Out in a fucking Hurry. It Only took about 5-6 Minutes for Me to Arrive as This Particular Grocery Store was Literally Down the Street and Around the fucking Corner. Which was lucky for all as I ADMIT I Drive like a Total Asshole when I’m Seriously Pissed Off.

I pull up and the first fucking thing I realize is I smell Alcohol because The Elderly Lady smelled like a fucking Brewery, and NOT a good one Mind You. So I bulldozed My way passed the Drunk Old Lady so I could Survey  the Damage Done to My Car. What I saw STILL Boggles My Mind to this Very Day.

The Driver was a Drunk Elderly Lady Driving a Generic as fuck 4 Door Sedan, and there was only 4 feet between where She was Parked and My Car Door. Well with those Stats You’d figure the Damage would be Rather Minimal, But in this Case You’d Be Wrong Very Wrong Indeed. You see instead of a Dent (or perhaps 2) or a Scratch (or 2) or Perhaps a little of Both My Door looked like it had been Hit by a Legitimate Wrecking Ball.

       

From the Bottom of the Window to the Bottom of the Door was Caved in, it looked like a fucking Meteorite Crater for fucks sake. How the Hell that Drunk Old Lady managed to Generate Enough Speed in 4 fucking Feet to Cause this Type of fucking Damage. I just stood there fucking totally Dumb Struck at what I was Looking along with the Scenario that Caused it.

At Last a Lazy Cop (I saw that because it took the Bastard 57 fucking Minutes to show the fuck up, and then acted All Authoritative as if We were wasting HIS Time the Hypocritical Cock Cracker) and He too instantly Smelled Alcohol on The Elderly Ladies Breath. We went through the Regular Rigamarole “Any One Hurt?”, “What Exactly Happened”, “Drivers Licensees and Proof of Insurance” Blah Blah Fuckity Blah. Once that Part concluded The Cop put the Drunk Elderly Lady in Handcuffs and Carted Her off to the Drunk Tank to Sober the fuck up.

        

Now I ADMIT I seriously fucked Up and instead of taking My Car to My fucking Mechanic as I have Done with EVERY Auto Accident I’ve been involved in/with. This time I’m still unsure why I opted to let the Drunk Elderly’s Lady’s Insurance (Which by the way was ALLSTATE, You’ll see why this is Significant a little later on in this Post) Fix it at One of Their Contracted Auto Mechanic Shops.

The Repair Consisted of Repairing the Power Window (which in all Honestly was Already Malfunctioning, BUT considering the Amount of Speed and Force Generated by the Drunk Elderly Lady chances are the Internal Power Window Mechanisms would have been Obliterated Anyways so) and Replacing the Car Door Panel. This Repair should take a Day perhaps Two if the Shop is Busy and You have to Wait for Them to get to Your Car.

       

Well for the Next TWO WEEKS My Wife, Friends, Family, and I continued to Struggle with How the hell This Drunk Elderly Woman could have induced SO MUCH Damage in such a Short Distance?! I joked I should call the Guys from the Defunct TV Discovery Channel Show MYTH BUSTERS, and ask Them to Figure it Out since They could probably use The Paycheck.

I also in Jest suggested I hire a Team of Physicists to Run Tests in a Lab to Figure Out the Answer. In the End the ONLY thing that even came Close to a fucking Answer was Being Intoxicated The Elderly Lady got in Her Car and Floored the fucking Thing without even Being Aware of It. Then She must have put the Car in Reverse while Gunning the Engine and SLAMMED Into My Car.

After Realizing that the Mechanic Shop My Car was being Repaired called STERLING AUTOMOTIVE (Yes I’m using Their Real Name because Their Assholes and People should fucking damn well know it.) had infant had My Car an EXORBITANTLY LONG fucking Time I gave Them a call the Next Day when I got a Free Minute at Work. As it were the Following Morning at Work (I was a Vet Tech at a Local Veterinary Animal Hospital) was Hectic as All Hell, BUT around 12:30 I had a chance to make the Call.

        

I was standing in the Midsection of The Hospital that was Behind the Exam Rooms where We did Bloodwork, Dispensed Medications, and Prepped Animals for Surgery and Such. My Boss and Supervisor where sitting to My Left shooting the Shit with a Couple of Our Clients. And Thank God They were Empathetic as Well as Being Pretty Cool People because What Happened Next was a Spontaneous Shitshow.

I Called Up STERLING AUTOMOTIVE and a Young Lady answered. I told Her the Situation, and that I was extremely Unpleased by Their fucking Slow as a Tortoise Timeline. She then Let Me Know that My Car was in Fact Ready, and The Mechanics were giving it a Once Over to Insure the Repairs were Correct. She then Informed Me there had Been an Issue with My Car, and I asked Her what at which point She tells Me matter-of-factly that While at Their Shop My fucking Car was Broken Into and Some Crackhead Cocksucker Stole My $300 Car Stereo.

        

I being back then My Later 20’s hadn’t learned a single thing about Proper Self Control so My Anger Kicked In and I Totally Lost My shit. I yelled into the phone something to the Effect of:

“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN MY FUCKING CAR WAS FUCKING BROKEN INTO?! SOMEONE FUCKING BROKE INTO MY FUCKING CAR, AND FUCKING STOLE MY FUCKING STEREO? THAT’S WHAT THE FUCK YOUR FUCKING TELLING ME FOR FUCK’S SAKE?!!!”

The Poor Young Lady was COMPLETELY FLOORED and Had NO IDEA what to do at This Point Period. I told Her I’d be coming Down IMMEDIATELY and Hung Up on Her. I called My Wife who was Off from Work for a Ride Down to STERLING ASSHOLE AUTOMOTIVE.

       

As Soon as I Stormed in the Door EVERY Employee behind the Counter which was located at the Back of the Shop Hauled Ass out of there. I reached the Counter just in time to Hear someone say They were getting the Manager Jeff. To Occupy My time I made several Phone Calls and LOUDLY ANNOUNCED that My Car was Broken into and My Stereo Stolen at STERLING AUTOMOTIVE. I did this Solely because there were Plenty of Customers/Potential Customers in the Shop as well as Entering and Exiting.

At Last a Short Man Named Greg  Weighing 90 Pounds Soaking Wet with Rocks in His fucking Pockets showed up to Escort Me Outside (Obviously  to Avoid Creating any Further Commotion in the Shop). I immediately got Toe to Toe with Jeff and Told Him I sure a fuck didn’t Appreciate the Fact They had My car for a RIDICULOUSLY LONG TIME for a Simple Repair that in My fucking Opinion provided some Scumshit to Steal My Stereo.

Greg tried BRIEFLY at that Point to Stand His Ground by telling Me He didn’t Appreciate How I talked to His Employee. I then told Jeff TOUGH SHIT I wasn’t Apologizing to ANYONE FOR ANYTHING. I went on to say Jeff being the Shop Manager should have called Me since this was a Sensitive Issue, BUT APPARENTLY JEFF had the Desk Girl do it For Him. Thus it was His fault because He was being a fucking Coward and chose to Hide rather than do His fucking Job. Jeff promptly shut the fuck up and We went to Examine My Car.

        

I noticed as We walked around the side of the Building to Their Lot I noticed They had a 15 foot tall Chain Link Fence, but Unlike Every Other Auto Mechanic there was NO BARBED WIRE. This means that if You a Scumfuck or High on Crack and Not Insanely afraid of Heights You could Simply Climb over No Problem No Bolt Cutters Needed. As We entered the Lot I saw a Singular So-Called Security Camera that was DEFINITELY NOT useful for Shit because it was a Shitty Closed Circuit TV Camera (like the Ones They have in Connivence Stores) Circa 1980. The fucking Red Activation Light wasn’t on which is a EASY way to Tell the Camera wasn’t even On as more than likely it wasn’t even Hooked Up to Electricity.

I Didn’t hesitate to share My Distain and Observations to Greg’s Attention He Attempted to give Me a Bullshit Excuse and I told Him I could fucking Care Less what He had to say for Himself. Once We reached my Car the First Thing that Occurred to Me was The Window was Broken. Don;t get Me Wrong I didn’t;t want My Windows Busted, YET in this Type of Breaking an Entering the Perpetrator will simply Break the Window, Open the Door, and Steal the Stereo.

       

SO Why then wasn’t MY Window Busted Out?! I then asked Greg this Question and He said I kid You Not that because STERLING AUTOMOTIVE has SO MANY issues with People Stealing Their Customer’s shit while Their Vehicle is in Sterling’s Custody that They STOPPED LOCKING THE CAR DOORS. That translates into “We get robbed all the fucking time so We don’t lock the Doors so The Crackheads won’t Break The Windows, and Then STERLING wouldn’t have to Pay for the Window as Well as the fucking Replacement Stereo.”

Greg even informed Me that HIS fucking Car had been Broken Into 3 Times since He started working there. I suppose this was to try and make Me feel not so Bad about what Happened, BUT all it did was Piss Me off More. I took what Jeff had said as that STERLING was such a Shit Show of a Shit Shop that even the Employees Car’s get Robbed. What The Fuck is that bullshit About?!

        

Well in the End I got My Stereo Replaced, a Bullshit Apology from STERLING, and One Hell of a Story.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober ( Posted 12:16am)

Everything is Coming up R̶o̶s̶e̶s̶ Crack Roses

Once upon a time, I used to be that guy that would check the internet for random holidays and annoy the shit out of people celebrating them.

National Cupcake Day? Sounds good to me.

National Piss Off Your Co-Worker Day? Why limit that to one day? I did this by breathing every single day. I once got poked in the eye by a female co-worker for the simple reason of me doing my job. Got a nifty pair of goggles by that is another tale.

National Prostitutes Day- I used to celebrate this but not anymore. I don’t think I’m still for sale but I sure as hell am not crusty enough to be buying yet.

So this week I am going to proclaim National Crack Cocaine Week. I am not really sure why it should be this week. I mean Bobby Brown was born in February and Whitney Houston was born in August. The crack mayor from the 1990s Marion Barry was born in March.

So why Crack Week? Why should it be right now? All of my actions this week have led me to crack. I have not personally smoked crack in more than a decade, nor do I have any burning desire to do so. Yet if I were pulled over earlier this week by a cop I would have quite a bit of difficulty explaining myself. My truth is their fiction.

           

It all started so innocently. Boy meets boy. Boys get weed. Boys smoke a bong hit. Boy gets a bit too high. Boy asks what is in this. Boy gets told freebase. Boy is older than the internet so he has no clue. Innocence gone.

Boy hits a car going 2 miles per hour. Lady in other car has a hissy fit. Cops come. Boy bats his eyes and pleads innocence. Cop tells boy (me) to go fuck my friend. I say no he’s not into me. Cop says your friend wants it real bad. Friend doesn’t believe me. Cop then flicks his tongue in and out at us in a manner that reminded me of Gene Simmons. Friend believes me.

So that is my history. That is my first time. I know some of you will say freebase is not crack to which I say YOU ARE A CRACKHEAD.

Back to the present……

           

I had a rather unfortunate event with my glass bong last weekend. I yanked it from underneath my kitchen cabinet directly upward and destruction was upon me.

Then at the same time I somehow threw out the only screen I had for it into the garbage. I checked my two faucets. They were barren of screens. So now logic would dictate I just buy a screen with the bong but no. I just bought a bong by itself.

Then I was just down to some shake left in my bag o’ weed. So instead of going back to where I bought the bong I thought oh I should just buy some Chore Boy. In my head I remember it as not having so many holes in it. So I threw my shake in there with the Chore. It utterly failed. I did have a flashback to smoking crack, not an urge per-say, just well Chore Boy does have a unique taste on its own.

       

So now I’m stuck with this.

At least if a random crackhead comes out of the woods and somehow gets into my apartment they will have something useful to steal. I’m seriously considering sticking it in a bowl with 1000 pennies so they’d have another amusement. Copper for the win BABY!!!

So then this new bong had a stem I did not like. (I did not break the old stem). It was too long and thin. So I decided to execute it in my sink. I thought it would break into a million pieces but instead I ended up with this. The STEMASAURUS!!!

 By SpaceDog

The Many Faced Spacedog

Everyday when I wake up and look at myself in the mirror, I’m not really sure who I am viewing. Sure it is me but I’ve lived so many distinct lives with no connection to one another it is absurd.

Like everyone else I started off innocent. Then I got a dose of that good old Catholic guilt. Hated the parents from ten years old because of this. Why would they lie to me about something so important?

It finally came to a head when I had to smash out multiple windows in their home. I was indeed very serious about not attending church.

Around the same time I came to terms with being a homosexual. Not one of those cheesy Hollywood gay teen portrayals. I knew what I wanted and usually got it. Sure I pulled a bit of a Hard Candy situation and threatened an older man into sleeping with me or else, but what else would you expect? At my best I was Sebastian from Cruel Intentions plus a bit of Regina George (Mean Girls). I was terrifying.

I faked mental illness for many years to the point that I have fooled nearly everyone to this day. Sure I had a few suicide attempts, most illegitimate barring one. These were all caused by medication which was supposed to help. I will get to this in another blog.

I tried my hardest to be an extrovert but discovered I did not relate to very many others. I tried drug dealing, prostitution, and even attempted being a mail order bride. Sadly the guilt never let me be a bride even though I had many offers.

Then a foot injury came. 20 years ago. It led to opiate abuse and then eventually heroin abuse because I was abadoned by friends who were only there when I had a vehicle. The only one left just happened to be a heroin addict and down the rabbit hole I went.

Sometimes I feel like the original Oxycontin victim because I lived the story you hear all too often in today’s news. It was a dark and solitary several years because frankly I did not want to be around other users. It was a gross habit.

Then there were some lost years. I do not remember much of them. I drank heavily at first. This led to 80 pounds of weight gain in a year. It came off almost as rapidly. I was obsessed with someone who I clearly thought was obsessed with me. This was not real as that person completely bought into the lies about mental illness big pharma wants us to believe.

As I struggled with substances I also struggled with who I was. Most people I’ve met seem to have some issue with me because I’m straight acting. It’s not an act though it’s just me. I love sports, divas, queens, bros, most forms of tv (except true crime and cop shows), all music (just not the bs playing in 90% of gay clubs) and everything in between. Still the queens think I’m too masculine and the gay bros say I’m too fem. Apparently being naturally well rounded is not a quality others tend to believe in.

So the point to all this is that while I am all of the things I’ve ever been I am also none of them. Sure I’ve made countless mistakes along the way. I have no regrets. Yes, I could have handled things better with the handful of my friends who now live in graveyards. Regrets though never. I just had to stay in the darkness a bit longer before I knew where he the dark ended and the light began.

The only thing that truly matters though is today and tomorrow. I finally have a clear vision of what it is I want. The veil has been lifted for me.

What do I want you ask? It is a secret. Everyone is a naysayer. I’ve shared far too many secrets with all the wrong people. There is way too much ambition within me and I’d love to finally be able to use it.

But it’s all just for today. That’s the only slogan I have ever found useful in a 12 step program. Some days I go old and sit around and do nothing watching game shows like I’m 90. Other days I challenge myself to 2 hours at the gym or 20,000 steps. Some days I go young and binge teen dramas. I really don’t care what you think. I do me. You do you.

Still while I know who I will be tomorrow beyond that remains a mystery. All the vexations of my spirit have been cast away in some long forgotten martini glass. Something massive is growing inside my soul. I hope it’s love and not some tumor. Fuck tumors.

You aren’t who you were. You are who you dream. I am living the dream. I hope you do one day too.

by Spacedog

A Lesson In Anger Management: Shitty Customer Service

I have Commented Before that Customer Service is a Dying Art if You will and Now Customer Service in General fucking Sucks. Well I had another Run in with a World Class Customer Service Shitbag.

The Issue was SO MINOR it was damn near Pathetic here’s Why. I Hate, Loath, and Despise Our Current TV/Internet Provider so I did what Anyone would do in this Situation I called Another Company and got a Better Deal. The Only small fuck up was the Sales Rep. was supposed to E-mail Me the Terms and Conditions bullshit Paperwork, but I never received said E-mail (though the Sales Rep. was VERY fucking Insistent I would get it Shortly after We concluded Our Phone Call as it were.) That was Yesterday.

Since I live in Bumfuck No Where USA We still have fucking Ridiculous 2 Year Service Contracts to Deal with. So Obviously I want to be goddamn sure I know what I’m getting into First believe You Me. With the Installation Scheduled for Tomorrow I was getting a bit fucking Irritated that My Window to Review Said Documents was Narrowing.

       

Today I Simply called the New Provider to Simply Request that the Initial E-mail Simply be Resent. HOW FUKCING SIMPLE IS THAT?!! Well it was a LOT Harder to Accomplish My Goal when I had this Great Displeasure of Getting Stuck with a Complete and Utter Asshole of a Customer Service Representative.

First Off this Asshole mumbles HIs name so COMPLETELY INCOHERENTLY It Didn’t in fact sound Like He was Speaking a Language, But More like He was just making Random Guttural Animalistic Grunts. Anyway I tell Him I SIMPLY need a E-mail Resent BECAUSE  I never Received it in the First fucking Place.

The Next thing I know He said He had to Look Up My Account Information which I found Rather Fucking ODD, But I gave the shit The Benefit of the Doubt. Perhaps He’d need to Verify My E-mail which seemed likely to Me. I just rather Assumed The Sales Rep. had Typed in My E-mail Address Wrong and that was SIMPLY It. While this Asshole is Allegedly looking Up My Account Info Goes Unusually Quite leaving Me to A) Wonder if the Call Got Dropped or Some Technical Issue like His Head Set took a shit, and B) Listening  to the Extraneous Background Babbling of His fellow Call Center Co-Workers.

       

After 15 minutes of the Happy Horseshit I SIMPLY commented Out Loud that was Not a Good First Impression for a New Customer, and it seemed silly that I had to go through ALL this just to SIMPLY have an E-mail Resent. This did Not Bode Well with Customer Service Shithead, and He copped THE BIGGEST BULLSHIT ATTITUDE You’d think He was a Tween Girl who got insulted on Social Media or some Stupid shit like that.

This Prick gets all Pissy with ME all of a Sudden. Before I can even Complete My First Thought (which was What the Fuck/Who the Fuck Does this Fuckwit think He is?!! ) HE starts Lecturing Me like a Bitchy Librarian. This Shitface Informs ME that if I can’t Stop being Rude HE is Going to Terminate the Phone call.

I asked Him How Exactly was I being Rude as I wasn’t Getting Loud/Yelling, I Didn’t Insult or Threaten Him in Anyway Whatsoever, and I was using Foul/Obscene/Abusive Language. HE didn’t Answer so I SIMPLY asked the Fucknuts Again and Then Again with still No ANSWER. Finally Mr. Motherfucker speaks up Again and Suggest We Keep The Call Professional. I Reiterate My Question this Time Though asking How was I Not Being Professional?!! This Time He Babbled some bullshit Incoherently about Professionalism which to ME made Absolutely No fucking Sense At All. It seemed to be Him Vocalizing His Current Train of Though.

       

Once He Stops His Bout of Verbal Diarrhea I tells ME that this in Actuality ISN’T HIS DEPARTMENT. I then Fed Up as fuck asked to be Transferred to the RIGHT DEPARTMENT. And Yet Again this Shitheel coups More of an Shitty Attitude with ME as HE tells ME that HE has to Place Me on a Short Hold while He finds the fucking Number. THE FUCKFACE WORKS THERE WHY DIDN”T HE KNOW THE FUCKING NUMBER I ASK YOU?!!

I sat on fucking Hold for just Short of 5 Minutes to see if Captain Cock Lock would indeed Return. Alas He DID NOT and I SIMPLY Hung the hell up. I then Immediately Called Back, and was Helped by a Very Nice Gentlemen who Apologized for the Previous Peckerhead as well Informing ME as to How I could Locate the Information I was Looking For. Heres the fucking Kicker You can do it on Their Website with the Proper Identification Numbers which the Sales Rep. had given to ME Yesterday so Cool.

        

This Last Piece of Information did UTTERLY PISSED ME OFF. This Meant 1) The Asshole I felt with WASN’T evening the Right Department to Assist Me and 2) The Little Fuckflap could have just SIMPLY confirmed I had the Correct Numbers and Informed ME How to Navigate Their Site with No Problem EASY. I decided I had behaved MYSELF which is REALLY RARE Especially when I’m Confronted by Some Fuck-Sucker.

I asked the Cool Second Customer Service Rep Guy if They had a Complaint Department as I would like to Lodge a Complaint because of the Shitty way Their Employee had Behaved. He said Yes and Promptly gave it to Me. I then Ended My Call with Him and Instantly then Called The Number He gave Me. I got a rather Extensive and Elaborate Automated System which I had to Figure Out How to Circumvent It to Reach the Right Department Once Again. I managed to Contact a ACTUAL FUCKING HUMAN BEING. It was the Office Operator, and I told Her Why I was Calling, and She Directed My Phone Call Accordingly.

Once Another Very Polite Gentlemen fro H&R Picked Up I told Him I would like to Lodge a Complaint, BUT THIS TIME I had NO Intention of Biting My Tongue. He asked Me What the Complaint was so He could Write up a Official Report. In a Nutshell I SIMPLY I’m a EXTREMELY New Customer, 1st Time Calling Their Customer Service, Some Asshole Customer Service Rep. gave Me a TOTALLY SHITTY ATTITUDE, AND WHY SHOULD HIS SHITTY ATTITUDE BE MY FUCKING PROBLEM, I told Him the Guy had some fucking Nerve and the Bitch Balls to call ME Rude, Threatened to End the Call, Shit talking ABout it Not Being HIS Department, and Being Abandoned on Hold.

He of Course did His Job which was First and Foremost Appologizing for Something HE had NOTHING AT ALL to Do with which Seems Unfair to Me. I mean One Sorry is Sufficient, BUT in these Cases The Helpful Person Apologizes for the Problem Repeatedly Over and Over Again. He then of Course asked Me the Name of the Employee I Felt with, and I told Him that the Guy Mumbled it like a Motherfucker. I then Speculated this was due to the Fact this Guy is a DICK to EVERY CUSTOMER He Deals with so He’s Learned to Mumble His Name in a Feeble Attempt to NOT get Reported for Acting like an Asshole.

       

Too Bad for the AssFace there are SIMPLE Ways Around the Name Issue that I guess the fucking Fool forgot or more than likely NEVER even Though About. I SIMPLY asked the Question SINCE ALL CALLS ARE RECORDED for QUALITY and Training Purposes combined with the Fact I had just Talked to the Scumfuck Less than 45 Minutes ago couldn’t We find out His Name that Way. And of Course The H&R Guy said Yes thats be NO Problem and Did just that to Finish His Report.

He Apologized Once More and Assured Me the Report was Filed with His Department (H&R), and Wondered if there was Anything Else He could Assist Me with, I said No He’d been MORE than Helpful, and That was That.  Problem Properly Addressed, and Solved Without Unnecessary Brutal Drama. I’m calling that a Win.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

The Myths of Mental Health In America

As I mentioned Once Before one of the Many things I find Fascinating is Sociology. It’s true I am Not what You would Call a People Person by any shot of the Imagination, BUT that Aside I find People fucking Fascinating to No End. When I was in Collage at one Point I considered getting a Degree in Sociology (and Hell No I wasn’t about to be a fucking Social Worker. That Job Pays DICK, and will Burn You Out Completely as it Kills whatever Faith You have left in Humanity), Yet Life had a Different Course for Me to take.

I still find Interacting with People to be a Necessary Evil I am utterly Intrigued as to What Makes People Tick. One of the Social Shifts We have seen is How Society as a Whole Feels, Acts, and Thinks about Mental Health.

Not too Long Ago NO ONE Mentioned or Talked about Mental Health Issues Unless it was At Home Behind Closed Doors where Positively No One Else could Find Out. Fast Forward to Today and it’s a MUCH Different Story. People Nowadays Conversate at Ease about being in Therapy, Talk Openly about Their Psychological Issues (ie I’m Bipolar), Embrace the Help of the Psychiatric Community, and  There Mental Health Prescription Drug Ads on TV, the Internet, YouTube, and Plastered All Over Magazines. The Stigma that if You Sought Psychiatric Assistance You were Flawed and Literally Insane, BUT Those Days are all but Gone.

Still there are a Small Group of The American Public that haven’t gotten on The Band Wagon, and still Believe the Outdated and False Claims about Psychiatry, Medications (ie Prozac), Therapy, and Patients. This Post Is Dedicated to Them. LISTEN UP ASSHOLES HERES A CHANCE TO EDUCATE YOURSELF AND BREAK FREE FROM INANE IGNORANCE. SO LISTEN UP.

The Following are the Top 10 Myths and Misconceptions pertaining to Mental Health:

  1. Mental Health Problems are Uncommon or Rare.

In Fact, nearly 1 out of Every 5 Americans WILL HAVE a DIAGNOSED Mental Disorder in Their Lifetime, According to the National Institute of Mental Health.

2. Mental Health Problems Are Caused By The Person Suffering From Them.

While People DO NEED to take RESPONSIBILITY for Their Thoughts, Feelings, and Behaviors associated with Disorders, They are NOT TO BLAME FOR THEM. There is an Important Difference between taking Responsibility and Accepting Blame, BUT Unfortunately, MANY People CONFUSE these 2 Things

3. Mental Health Problems Are Purely Biological Or Genetic In Nature.

Some Professionals and Mental Health Advocacy Organizations feel that Mistruths like this one will Better Forward Their Professional BIASES or POLITICAL AGENDAS, Yet this remains FALSE. Mental Health Problems are NOT solely caused by Bad Genes  or a Biological Chemical Imbalance, according to the Research We have to Date. ANY Health Care Professional, or Mental Health Avocate who CLAIMS Otherwise is Telling You a HALF-TRUTH to Forward THEIR OWN, UNSPOKEN AGENDAS.

4. Mental Halth Disorders Are Often Life-Long And Difficult To Treat.

Many Times, Individuals with a Newly Diagnosed Disorder such as Depression or Anxiety are told They have to take Medication(s) for it. Yet, when They Question Their Physician about How LongThey must Remain on the Medication(s), They Receive a Muddled, Non-Answer, such as, “As long as You need to.” Most Medications (with Few Notable Exceptions, such as those Prescribed for Bipolar Disorder and Schizophrenia ) Prescribed for Mental Disorders should be taken for Short Term (Less than a Year) Symptoms Relief. Some Medications have Withdrawal Effects that are often Worse than the Original Problem. QUIZ YOUR DOCTOR about these Issues (such as Length of Time on the Medication(s), Palm for Weening You Off the Medications, Etc.) BEFORE You are placed on ANY MEDICATION for a Mental Disorder.

       

5. Psychotherapy Takes Forever And Delves into Your Childhood Issues.

This is FALSE and Holdover from the Older Days of Psychotherapy. MODERN Psychotherapy, however, can be Stort-Term and Solution Oriented. Most short-term Psychotherapy approaches use a Cognitive-Behavioral Model, which Emphasizes Irrational Thought which lead to Dysfunctional Behaviors and Feelings. This Type of Therapy Emphasizes Learning what Those Thoughts are and How to Easily change Many of Them, often in a matter of only a FEW WEEKS. Most common Mental Health Disorders can Now be Treated in a matter of MONTHS instead of YEARS. Insurance and Managed Care Plans usually cover much of this sort of Treatment.

6. I Can Handle My Own Mental Health Problems, And If I Can’t Thats Because I Am Weak.

The 1st Part of this Statement May NOT be so much of a Myth, as Most People who have a Mental Health Problem DO NOT SEEK TREATMENT for it. Instead, They Rely on Their Traditional Coping Mechanisms (Like Excessive Eating, Drinking, Drugs, Working Longer, Working Harder, Exercising more, Hanging Out with Friends/Family Etc.) to take care of the Problem. Many Problems which may be Diagnosable may also Be Mild enough for this type of Care to be Sufficient.  Talking with Friends, Reading a Self-Help Book, or Visiting an Online Self-Help Group may Not be Enough to Help get You through Your Problem(s).

       

When Your Problem(s) become OVERWHELMING despite Your Best Efforts to Cope, that is a SURE SIGN You need Addition (aka Professional) Help. This DOES NOT mean Your Weak/Weak Minded/Weak Willed or anything remotely like that, It Means You REALIZE and ACCEPT Your Human with Natural Limitations. Seek Appropriate Care/Treatment when Your Coping Skills go Beyond being Able to HELP You Deal with Your Problem(s).

7. If I Admit I Have Problems, Everyone Will Think I’m Crazy and I’ll Need To Be Admitted To A Mental Hospital/Facility For A Very Long Time.

“Crazy” is a GENERIC TERM which is MEANINGLESS in this Context. Everyone is a Little Bit Crazy some of the Time. Having a Mental Disorder Really DOESN’T mean You’re Crazy. It just means You have a Problem, similar to a Medical Disease, which needs Treatment. Would ANYONE think less of You for seeking Treatment if You had Caner?! Then Why would ANYONE think any less of You because You have Anxiety or Depression?! And if They Do, THEY ARE THE ONES WHO NEED EDUCATION AND TO BE MORE OPENMINDED.

       

Most People who have a Diagnosable Disorder DO NOT NEED Hospitalization (Referred to as Inpatient Treatment as its called Now a Days) . Hospitalization is ONLY USED in ETREME CASES, when the Problem puts You in Imminent Risk/Danger or Dying or If You are a Threat To Your Own Safety (ie. Suicidal) or a Threat To Others Safety (ie. Homicidal). Even in the Case You are Hospitalized for Your Problem, it DOESN’T mean that You will be there for Days, Weeks, or Longer. Just like with an Emergency Room You will be Assessed, Treated, and Released as soon as Your Feeling Better.

8. Being Suicidal Means I’m Insane.

Suicidal Feelings are most often Symptoms of Depression or Related Mood Disorder. Feeling Suicidal DOES NOT make You any More or Less Insane than Anyone Else. Suicidal Feelings go away once You begin to Receive Adequate Care for Your Depression or Other Mood Disorder. That’s Why it is So Tragic when a Person actually succeeds in Their Suicide Attempt, Had the Person in Question had been Receiving Adequate Treatment, They could be Alive and Feeling much less Depressed and Suicidal.

       

9. Mental Health Problems Are Best Treated By My Primary Care Physician Or A General Practitioner.

NO MATTER what Their field, nearly EVERY Mental Health Professional AGREES that Diagnosable Mental Disorders are Best Treated by a Trained Specialist (a Mental Health Professional). Weather that Professional is a Psychiatrist, Psychologist, or Other Clinician Trained to Diagnose and Treat Mental Health Problems, You will ALWAYS receive the Highest Quality Care and Treatment when seen by Mental Health Professional as Opposed to a General Practitioner. Mental Disorders should be taken as Seriously as ANY Potential Chronic and Disabling Medical Condition. You go to an Oncologist for Cancer, a Dermatologist for Skin Problems Etc. You should NEVER expect or Demand ANY LESS in the Quality of the Care You receive when dealing with Mental Health Problems.  it is Difficult for General Practitioners to Keep Up with the Latest Researching the Field and Often They Prescribe ONLY a Psychopharmacological Treatment Approach, YET that is the LEAST EFFECTIVE Treatment approach Available.

          

10. Mental Health Professionals (Psychologists, Psychiatrists, Social Workers, Psychiatric Nurses (My Wife is a Psychiatric RN), and Family Counselors etc) Make A Ton OF Money Off Of People Suffering From Mental Health Problems/Disorders.

At One Time in the Not-Too-Distant Past, this was True. BUT NO LONGER. In Fact due to the Vast Expansion of Managed Care in the Mental Health Field over the Past 6-7 Years, Mental Health Care is Often the LOWEST PAYING Healthcare Profession. The Majority of Behavioral Healthcare and Related Professionals work in this Area because the Want To, NOT BECAUSE OF THE PAY. It is a WELL DOCUMENTED FACT that Psychiatrists are Often the LOWEST PAID Physician Specialty Field.

       

I hope You found this Post Informative, Though Provoking, and Helpful.

Thank for Reading,

  By Les Sober

FYB’s Anti-Monday Movie Double Feature

Let’s Face It Monday’s are a Known Motherfucker SO in spite of Our Predilection for the Darker Side of Things know Everyone Needs a Laugh. Now with that said We still have to Keep to Our Principles in some Fashion, and to do so We have carefully Selected Tonight’s Double Comedy Feature.

Tonight We have Selected:

MULVA: ZOMBIE ASS KICKER

And

BANANA MOTHERFUCKER!!!

       

In MULVA: ZOMBIE ASS KICKER Stars a Buffoonish Chocolate Loving Candy Addict, by the Named Mulva, and Her Misfit Friends are FORCED to FIGHT for Her Halloween Candy against A ZOMBIE HORDE Who Rise From The DEAD on HALLOWEEN NIGHT!!!

        

In Banana Motherfucker 6 Adventurers Goon a Quest for a MYSTICAL CEMETERY. After Disturbing a GRAVE causing The DEAD to RISE as They Triggered an ANCIENT CURSE that will DESTROY the ENTIRE WORLD!!!

   

And as Always: WARNING THE FOLLOWING FILMS CONTAIN CONTENT THAT SOME VIEWERS MAY FIND DISTURBING. VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED. Enjoy.

And Now for Our Second Feature: BANANA Motherfucker!!!

(Note: You Most Likely Will Have To Turn On The Closed Caption, and Select English in Setting or Whichever Language You Prefer.)

For Those Who have an Eversion to Subtitles RELAX the Film is 16 minutes and Change. ALSO The Dialogue is MINIMAL being NONEXISTENT After the First Few Minutes in Fact.

            

Hope You Enjoyed Tonights Double Dose of Movie Insanity. Goodnight and Sleep Tight.

Thanks for Viewing,

Presented By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (35/365)

“So what’s the Deal with The Name and the Whole Bitcoin Bullshit about?!” asked Lee inquisitively.

“Well They picked the Name Ride because it Stays off People’s Radar. No One asks Questions. It’s the Hiding in Plain Sight Strategy. You see Everyone  is more than Familiar with the concept of “A Ride” You Know?” answered Dizzy as He Riffled through His numerous Pockets to scrounge up the $4.37 for the 40s.

“Yeah I get it now. No One blinks when You say shit like “Thats My Ride” or “I got to call My Ride” because Ride is so utterly Generic No One Notices being Virtually Oblivious.” said Lee in a Slow Tone of Realization.

       

“So that’s explains the Name for You so what’s the Bitcoin Tie In about? Setting Up Ride so even in some INSANELY RARE OCCURRENCE an Asshole figures Out the Ride Name the Bitcoin is there as Back Up.” explained Dizzy plainly as He took several Prolonged Sips of His 40.

“What the fuck does that Mean? Back Up?! What kind of Back Up are You talking about specifically?!” said Lee in a Condescendingly Irritated Tone as He grew irritated by the Whole dragging out of the Conversation, and wished Dizzy would get to the fucking Point already.

“Alright fucking Relax You ass I’ll explain.,” said Dizzy with a rather Authoritative Tone, “It’s really quite Obvious Regular People Don’t deal in Bitcoin or Don’t know jack diddly shit about Bitcoin period or They deem Bitcoin Shady because of it’s Dark Web Association. So without Bitcoin You can’t use Ride.”

   

“Ok thats a Pretty fucking Smart Idea They came up with.” Said Lee with slight Admiration, “How fucking far is it until We get to Your Place it feels like We’ve been walking for fucking Ever and a Day.”

“Don’t be such a Drama Queen We’ll get there Soon Enough I assure You,” replied Dizzy nonchalantly.

The two continued Their on for a while in Silence as They made quick Work of Their 40s. Then all of Suddenly Dizzy  grabbing Lee’s arm to get His Attention.

“Oh shit Look it’s fucking Dancing Dave!!” Dizzy blurted out in Drunken Excitement.

       

Lee Stopped and looked Diagonally across the Intersection at the Far Corner where Dizzy was Pointing Wildly. There on the Corner stood a Man dressed in a Navy Uniform, but not only that He also was wearing a Stereotypical Kitchen Apron along with a Old School Circa 1920’s-1930’s White Navy Cap. The Man appeared to be in His late 50’s to perhaps Early 60’s and was so Thin he looked a rather Sickly as He could weigh more than 90 pounds Soaking Wet. His skin was badly Weathered, and His Shoulders Hunched as He stood Slouching on the Corner as Still as a fucking Statue.

Dizzy again routed through His pockets until He located a handful of Spare Change which He searched through intently until He found a Couple of Quarters. Dizzy handed one of the Quarters to Lee without saying Why before He took His Quarter and lobbed it across the Intersection at Dancing Dave. The Quarter landed Unceremoniously at Dancing Dave’s Feet bouncing a couple of Times before finally coming to Rest.

       

Tune in for Next Weeks Enlightening Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (36/365)

Thanks for Reading,

 By Les Sober