Some More Sociology Shit: American Crime Definitions

“Crimes of The Street”

Violent Crime- Defined as Those Offenses which involve Force or Threat of Force. The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) includes FOUR OFFENSES: Murder, (Forcible)Rape, Robbery, and Aggravated Assault.

Property Crime- The Federal Bureau of Investigation Includes THREE OFFENSES: Burglary, Larceny (Stealing), Motor Vehicle Theft. A FOUR OFFENSES has been added that being the Crime of ARSON.

Public Order Crime- Also Referred to as Victimless Crimes of which The FBI includes TWENTY ONE OFFENSES including Forgery, Prostitution, Gambling, and Driving Under The Influence (DUI)

        

“Crimes of The Suite”

Whit Collar Crime- Defined as a Crime Committed by a Person of Respectability and High Social Status in the course of His or Her Occupation (Ex. Enron)

Occupational Crime- One of Two Types of White Collar Offenses where the Person receives Direct Personal Gain from His or Her Crime.

Corporate Crime- One of the Two Types of White Collar Crime where the Person MAY Benefit Directly, BUT may simply Benefit The Company.

        

“Skewed or Biased Data” Called this due to Serious Flaws in Data Collection.

Uniformed Crime Report (UCR)- Data Collected by The FBI from Crime Reports submitted VOLUNTARILY by Law Enforcement Agencies including Data on the 7 Index Crimes and The 21 Non-Index Crimes.

National Crime Victimization Survey (NCVS)- More Commonly referred to as Victimization Data Based on a Representative Sample of 77,200 Households each Year.

       

Thank For Reading,

   Presented by Les Sober

Rejected TV Shows

These shows are all great on paper but sadly many are far ahead of their time.

1- Whose Kid Is It Anyway?-

Who wouldn’t want a network reality show to start with a gangbang? None of the Americans ones for sure. Long story short: Girl meets boy. The catch? Girl meets 15 boys and shoves them all in her snatch.

Then she eliminates them one by one (or more) before she gets the paternity test. Sadly the orgy for this film was shot but never released.

Even more tragically the star of the show Vanessa Montana Lopez died during a botched week 40 abortion of her pregnancy while waiting for the producers to get back to her about filming.

2) King of the Trump-

I know what you are thinking. Nope not about him. Picture a bunch of senior citizens trying to out racist one another. Also bill cosby was slated to host and that didn’t quite turn out too good.

3) The Brotherhood of the Travelling Jock Strap

So this must be great gay camp, right? Nope the whole show took place in a hetero beaver cleaver world. The jock strap was a talking jock strap but alas even talking jock straps can’t save america.

4) Serial

Never got made because well no serial killers wanted to kill people wearing body cams or shitty google glasses.

5) Anuses Over the Moon

How far can you shoot objects out of your anus? Not far enough as the search for the greatest anal field goal kicker in the world continues.

6) I Think I Fucked My Mom

This show pitted horny young men with vivacious cougars. After wining, dining and 69ing however the bombshell was dropped. You just fucked your birth mother. However massive abadoned dwarf protests led by Tangia (walk into the light Carol Anne) and the Munchkin 7 in the early 90s halted this project right after the pilot was found.

7) Dick Dongle Does Kids

Pee Wee had it hard. Too hard at a porn theater. Dick dongle actually taught kids but the title killed the show and the real life Dick Dongle (yes his birthname) shot himself and 3 others at a Texas rest stop in 2001.

8) Dumpster Livin

This followed around a group of homeless dumpster diving, begging and smoking crack all day. The homeless led by former grateful dead devotees fought this long and hard but by trying to give the homeless LSD. They gave Ricky Hanakowski a bit too much. He killed 2 people and ate a living cat in front of onlookers because he had to prove his worth to Satan. He was in hell’s kitchen after all.

More shows to come later.

 By SpaceDog

A Short Story With -No Working Title-

Once Upon a Time in the Small Village of Fuckery in the Province of Whorebitch lived a truly lovely Couple Kunt & Kunty Twat or The Twats as They were known in the Village.

Today was a Dark Day in the Twat Household as Their beloved and bit of an asshole Cat Mrs. Pickle Tits had in fact gone Tits Up during the Night. The Twats took the passing of Their cherished Feline especially hard since The Twats had always wanted to have Kids. Mrs. Twat had in deed gotten Pregnant Once.

       

The Night that She gave Birth having Eaten an Exorbitant amount of Canned Curry She thought Her Labor Pains were just a wicked case of Gaseous Indigestion and paid it No Mind.

After a Serious Bout of Busting Ass Mrs. Twat staggered  to the near by Bathroom to Vacate Her batshit Bowels. In all the confusion of  Mrs. Twat transforming into a one Woman Curry Fueled Shitnado had  failed to realize She had in fact given Birth at all. Mrs. Twat never having given Birth before  simply Didn’t Know what it felt like. Once Mrs. Twat had Flushed the Toilet, and stood up  She turned around (to take a sneak peek of Poop) just in time to see a Tiny Pair of Flailing Legs get Sucked Down the Drain.

       

(DO NOT FEAR DEAR READERS The Baby LIVED!!!  We will See The Baby AGAIN SOON!!! It’s Called Foreshadowing for Fuck’s Sake.)

So instead of trying to Bang Out another Baby The Twats decided to just get a Cat, and named it Mrs. Pickle Tits in Honor of Mr. Twats’s Dead Mother. Any Way Mrs. Pickle Tits had a Very Long and Illustrious Life of 27 Years, 27 Days to be exact with the Twats.

Mr. Twat as Per Mrs. Pickle Tit’s Last Will and Testament had Her Cremated, but having No Local Vet to help arrange the Cremation Mr. Twat preformed the Cremation by Himself in the Back Yard. Mr. Twat Removed the Grill from the BBQ, stacked a series of Logs in said BBQ, Placed Mrs. Pickle Tits on Top, Doused the entire thing in Highly Flammable Fluid, and Lit the son of a bitch up like the fucking Hindenburg. After 12 hours at a steady 2,700 Degrees Mrs. Pickle Tits was reduced to nothing but Ashes which Mr. Twat collected and placed in a Zip Lock Sandwich Baggie.

All that was Left now was for the Forlorn Twats to take the Long walk on the Cockstone Cobbled Medieval Road that ran through the Town that Ended when it reached  Mrs. Pickle Tit’s Beloved Open Bluffs. The Twats had a feeble Breakfast since They were in Morning before Mr. Twat put Mrs. Pickle Tits’s Ashes in His Pocket, and the Couple Headed Out to the Bluffs.

As The Couple Walked They passed by Many of the Villages Businesses and Shops that lined either side of the Ancient Village Lanes. There was Highball Haberdashery run by long time Friend of the Family Harry Balls, and there was Crotch Meats the Villages Butcher.

As The Twats walked farther On They Passed the Volunteer Non Profit “Mammograms for My Mammy!” Van parked on the Street giving Free Mammograms to any Villager who wanted One. Its true Once Village Resident Dick Fart had had one two many Pints down at the Villages finest (and only) Drinking Establishment The Rigorous Pig.  Proprietor and Sole Bartender of the Rigorous Pig Leland Lush’s family had been running for 17 Generations.

       

Well After Wild Night of Binge Drinking at The Pig (as The Locals Referred to the Pub) Dick Fart had really got a hell of a Drunk On as He really tied His Tits in Two that Particular Evening. Finally Leland cut Dick Off once and For all that Night He wondered onto the MMM Van and Drunkenly Demanded a Mammogram. So to Oblige The Drunk and Confused Mr. Fart the Technicians preformed a Mammogram using Mr. Phart’s Testicles in Lou of Breasts.

A few minutes into Their walk the Twats reached the Village’s Central Town Square where the Elderly Women of the Village spent Their Days sitting in the Sun Gossiping and Airing Out Their Crotches with the assistance of a Hand Fans. Mrs. Twat just so happened to see Her dearest Friend  Clitoris Coitus or Clitty as She was known in the Village sitting on in the Square Lazily fanning Her Crotch and bitching about Baking.

       

“Hello Clitty How are You Today?” Asked Mrs. Twat Politely in Passing.

“Oh Tis’ a dick of a Day so may as well fuck it.” responded Clitty crankily as the intensifying Heat of Summer had left Her Stink Ditch especially Sweaty.

“Ah Yes, Yes. Well We are off to Sprinkle Mrs. Pickle Tits’s Ashes over the Ocean from the Bluffs.” said Mrs. Twat who had become custom to ignoring Clitty’s obscene Life Lessons as the Couple resumed Their Walk to the Bluffs with Mrs. Pickle Tits’s Ashes in Tow.

The Twats had reached the Outskirts of the Village where the Octopus Processing Plant was located. You see Fuckery is the Number One Suppler of the World’s Octopus Spreed which was a delight  among Fans of Appetizers. Outside of the Processing Plant stood Jarvis Jerkoff (real last name Jeroff, but because He was know to be an asshole of a Human Being The Villager’s  reverted to calling Him Jerkoff instead) apparently pulling Crabs out of His ample Forrest of Pubic Hair. As The Twats passed by never taking Their eyes off the Odd Sexual Grooming underway by Jerkoff.

At one Point Jerkoff took notice of the Couple strolling by, and Glared with utter contempt at Them.

“You wanna save some Crabs for Your Dastardly Dinner You Pickled Pair of Pricks?!” Snarled Jerkoff seething with Disgust.

It was bad enough The Twats had just lost Their Precious Pet, but now having to take shit from Jerkoff the Village Jerk Off was too much for Mr. Twat to bare. What Jerkoff didn’t know was Mr. Twat was ExMilitary having Served 17 Years in the Queen’s Army, and so He was trained in all varieties of Combat. Mr. Twat without saying a thing, without uttering a single Syllable kicked Jerkoff squarely in His crooked cock which Mr. Twat followed up with then pulling Jerkoff’s pimply Scrotum up over His head.

       

Jerkoff completely blinded by His severely stretched out ball bag, and in a good amount of Pain from the Kick putting a King Sized Kink in His cock as well staggered around like a Drunken Zombie. Mr. Twat then proceeded to Grab Jerkoff and flip Him Ass over Elbows while holding Him around the waist, and before Poor Old Jerkoff knew what Hit Him Mr. Twat executed a flawless Text Book Pile Driver upon the already Hurt and Humiliated Jerkoff.

The incredible impact from the Pile Driver sent a Geyser of Violent Diarrhea Pungent Smelling Piss, and a fucked up Fountain of Jizz to explode forth from Mr. Jerkoff up to Eight Feet in the Air. The Twats continued on leaving the Unconscious Jarvis Jerkoff lying in a Pool of His own assorted Bodily Fluids.

       

Once the Twats had arrived at Their destination Mr. Twat removed the plastic sandwich Baggie containing Mrs. Pickle Tits’s Ashes as the Two prepared for the Final Farewell. Just as the Twats were almost finished Praying and were about to cast Mrs. Pickle Tits’s Ashes out over the Ocean They heard a noise. The noise was coming from the Cliff that rose a staggering 1,200 feet above the Ocean to form the exact Bluff They were standing on.

All of a sudden a Large, Webbed hand appeared over the Cliff Line followed by yet Another. The Two webbed Hands took hold of the Earth and with great effort and skill hoisted the rest of the Individual’s body up from the Cliff Face onto the Bluff itself. The Twats found Themselves staring in totally disbelief directly at a Real Life Merman sitting now before Them.

“It is I Otto AquaPoon Your Long Lost Son that was accidentally flushed down the Toilet into the Open Ocean. There a Clan of Merpeople found Me Floating Aimlessly on the Waves, and took Me in as One of Their Own.” announced The Merman with Gusto.

        

“Well it’s nice to see aside from the Dreadful Accident things worked out well for You Son.” said Mrs. Twat still in the Throws of Shock and Awe.

“You look to be a Fine Strapping Young Man outside of being Half Fish.” pointed out Mr. Twat doing the best He could to keep His shit together.

“IT IS NO ACCIDENT that TODAY I have returned to find You here. I’ve been watching You from the Wake and I Know Your here because your Dear Kitty Mrs. Pickle Tits has met Her demise. I am here to give Her the one thing You never gave me a Happy Existence.” said Otto Aquapoon confidently in a somewhat Ominous Tone.

Aquapoon snatched Mrs. Pickle Tits’s Ashes from His Father and regurgitated a healthy amount of Ocean Water into the Sandwich Baggie containing the Dead Cat’s Ashes. He took a minute to insure the ashes and Open water had thoroughly mixed before removing the Now Clay life Contents and sculpting an exact replica of Mrs. Pickle Tits. Once the Sculpture was complete Poontangler forcefully removed one of His Merman Scales, ground it up in His hands, and using a Reed like a Straw Blew the ground Up Merscale directly up Mrs. Pickle Tits’s ass.

        

Mrs. Pickle Tits immediately sprung back to Life completely Healthy and Happy. The Twats couldn’t believe the Resurrection of Their moments ago Deceased Cat. Before the Twats could even begin to comprehend what the hell had just taken place Poontangler dressed Them once again.

“Your Cat had Returned to You as I Promised. Now Father got Home and Shit Yourself Sane. Mother I want You to go Home as well Before I have to Slap You Sane.” summarized Poontangler who at the end of His sentence dove Back into the Briny Deep Never to be Seen Again.

The Befuddled Twats took  Mrs. Pickle Tits Home with Them where They had a Cup of Tea, a Shot of Brandy, and then Went to Bed.

      

(What I told You the Kid DIDN’T DIE, and that We’d SEE HIM AGAIN SOOn. I didn’t say it be a Happy ass Hallmark Ending did I?!  No I Didn’t.)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (31/365)

” There nothing I like better right now than a Cold Beer.” Said Lee emphatically with His eyes still Locked on The Fatal Four Way Refund Death Match still going Strong in front of Them.

“I know a place Near by. It’s My Actual Neighborhood Bar believe it or Not. Low Lights, Cold Beer, No $15 Cocktails, No Flare, No Pretentious Mixologists, No Dj, and No Trendy goddamn Hipster Half Wits. People at The Boozehound are content to leave one another in Peace. Respect the Institution of Bars.” said Dizzy almost growing giddy a the Thought, “It’s called the Boozehound and it’s a True American Classic Dive Bar.”

“Dive Bar you say?” responded Lee His Apprehension being quite evident.

“What? You got a fucking Problem with Dive Bars, I mean what are You one of those Commercial Sheep? One Those Applebee’s Assholes or What?!” demanded Dizzy defensively.

      

“No Offense its nothing fucking Personal in the least. It’s just that sometimes People get confused on the exact Definition of a Dive Bar. What you described is the Ideal Dive Bar Scenario and I’m liking it again don’t get Me wrong. Some People mistake a Shitty Hellhole of a Bar as What a Dive Bar is or should. When in Actuality its nothing like the fucking stupid Stereotype as Stereotypes go,” explained Lee plainly, “Dive Bars don’t Stink of Stale Beer or Urine, They don’t smell like fucking Vomit either. They’re not dirty, scummy, disgustingly unhygienic, The Bathrooms aren’t total shitholes that make Gas Station Restrooms look like the Fucking Four Seasons. You walk into a place like that its just a Shit Bar it’s No Dive Bar by Definition thats for sure.”

“Oh shit Ok I see what  You’re saying. No I assure I’m not an Ignorant asshole or anything. Its a straight up by the Book Dive Bar.” said Dizzy with renewed Confidence.

       

With that the Two New Acquaintances departed the Theater leaving the Refund Turmoil behind. They walked several blocks through a nice Working Class Neighborhood until They Reached the Boozehound located on the Street Corner. Dizzy threw open the Door and strode in like He owned the fucking joint with Lee in tow.

Lee looked around the Bar assessing the Layout. To the left was the actual Bar that stretched almost the entire way down the wall, and a Row of High Backed Booths lining the wall to the right. The Restrooms were located all the way at the back of the Bar next to an Antique Wurlitzer Jukebox, and one of the World’s Last Pay Phones.

Dizzy and Lee posted up at the Far end of the Bar because Dizzy apparently had some fucking Mobster Complex. He said He always has to have His back to a Wall, and Where He could See the whole Bar but more importantly the Front Door. Lee wondered if Dizzy had a good reason to be Paranoid or if it was simply a Personal choice.

       

“See the Middle Aged Guy sitting in the Last Booth?” ask Dizzy in a hushed Tone.

“Yeah I saw Him when We came,” answered Lee, “Why what’s His deal?”

“Its one of those No One really knows. We Call Him Vladdy He first came to The Boozehound in the Winter of 1980, and been showing up every single day since. Vladdy keeps solo to Himself and He doesn’t say shit. Not that it matter though since Vladdy doesn’t speak a fucking lick of English and No One round here Speaks a lick of Russian, but Somehow Vladdy and the Bartenders have found some sort of way to Communicate even if it’s in a very Simplistic manner.” Replied Dizzy sparking up a Joint and continuing, “Oh it’s fine if I Smoke a little Weed in here I know the Owner. Anyway every morning when the Owner comes to Open Up Vladdy is already here and waiting on the Stoop. Everyday it’s the exactly same fucking routine. Owner Opens up, Vladdy takes His spot at the Last Booth along the Wall. After Vladdy takes a seat The Bartender brings Vladdy a Jar of Kosher Dill Pickles, a Shot Glass, and an entire unopened Bottle of this Insane Russian Vodka. I think I heard His Family actually makes the shit and ships it Stateside for Him or some crazy shit like that. It’s Vladdy so who knows.”

       

Dizzy paused for a minute to get the attention of the preoccupied Bartender who was standing with His back t the Bar intently scrutinizing the Football game that was on the Bar’s only TV. When Dizzy got the Bartenders attention He ordered Them a couple of Ice Cold DraftBeers along with a couple of Shots of Maker’s Mark before returning to the conversation.

“Well Vladdy spends the Day sitting in His Booth Taking Shots and Eating a few Bites of Pickle in-between until The Vodka Bottle is Empty. The Vladdy gets up and Leaves for where who the hell knows most likely its Home I’d suppose. And then it starts all over agin the next Morning kind of like an Alcoholic Version of that Bill Murray Movie fucking Groundhog Day and shit.” said Dizzy right before slamming a shot and a Beer, and then ordering another round.

Stay Tuned Kiddies for Tomorrow’s Stupendous Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (32/365)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober.

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (30/365)

“You see the Old Timer in the Tweet Hat with the Classic Wild West Mustache? Well He showed up first and went strait after the first Staff Member he Laid eyes on. That unfortunate Soul was the Hipster Vegan looking Guy with the fucking Clip Board.”reported the Stranger before indulging in another Long Sip of Fortified Wine.

“I’m calling that Old Dude Tweedy He reminds Me of Someone’s fucking Grandfather who also happened to an AlcoholicYou know He shows up at Family functions already half fucking lit. Then after a few additional Cocktails He’s off to the Races Ranting and Raving about anything and everything under the fucking Sun. Now You see the Two Old Biddies there flanking Tweedy? Those Two showed up 10 minutes into Tweedy’s Tirade about Crappy Customer Service, and the Death of The Service Industry as a Whole.” said The Stranger observingly as He leaned back on the Stool balancing precariously on the Verge of Falling flat on His ass.

        

“The Two Old Biddies are like Tweedy’s Calvary They just happened to be near by and decided to insert Themselves into the Scenario” continued the Stranger, ” They don’t have a point or argument of Their own like Sharks smelling Blood in the Water They heard the Chaos and Jumped on in. The Old Biddies are acting as Tweedy’s unoffical Cheer Leaders if You will back or agreeing with every word that comes out of His Mouth. I don’t think this is a money Issue I think its an Age Issue.”

“Age issue? What kind of Age issue is this then exactly I’m not sure I see what You’re saying.” Lee said with the Honesty of a Child.

      

“Yeah its an Age issue I’m telling You. Tweedy and His posse are actually Mad that They’re Old, and the World has Changed as Society Evolved. It’s gotten Overwhelming to Them at this point in Their Lives. They just want to vent Their frustration about Growing Old and to be Heard. People have a shitty habit of Generally ignoring Their Elders.” The Stranger said Sympathetically, ” Then when People do actual stop to talk to an Elder They talk to Them condescendingly like They’re a fucking 3 year Old. Its Revoltingly Disrespectful You ask me.They Show represents the Dawn of the New Day something Unknown and Scary to Them. Thus that makes the $3 a symbolic way of Reclaiming the Past Reclaiming Their Youth that They had Lost to Father Time.”

“Funny how I’ve often thought the same thing about how Our Society writes off the Elderly with total Disrespect. It’s a fucking Insult on so any Levels.” replied Lee as He found Himself feeling an acute Empathy for the Elderly all of a sudden.

       

“They Call Me Dizzy,” the Stranger said introducing Himself at last, “This Little Life Drama has about run its course, and They’re all just Jabbering away in Circles at this point. It’s a Classic fucking Stalemate so You want to get a Beer?”

Stay Tuned Kiddies for Tomorrow’s Breath Taking Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (31/365)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

My What a Shitty Little Restaurant You Have Here.

The Other Day My Mother Texted My Wife and I asking if We’d like to have Lunch at a New Little Marina Restaurant She’d found out about. You see there Several Marina/Campgrounds Out Our Way catering to the Outdoor People Crowd. If you want to Hike it, Bike It, Fish It, Hunt it, Sail It, Or Off Road with it You’d find it Heavenly.

Never being Ones to turn down a Free Meal We texted back Sure Thing. It only took about Half an Hour to get there which really isn’t so fucking Bad out Where We live (in the Middle of Absolutely No Where USA). Usually it takes a minimum of about 45 minutes to get  most Populated places around here, but the real Rule of thumb is if You Need or Want something it’s Generally an Hour away.

 

We pulled into the Campground and proceeded to drive down a long and rather winding White Gravel Makeshift Road pass Line after Line of Older Single Wide Mobile Homes. The Mobile Homes were Rented Out by the Campground as Cabins for Their Customers. While it’s true a Single Wide Trailer is ABSOLUTELY NOT A FUCKING CABIN ANYWHERE ELSE I’M AWARE OF, BUT HERE IT IS. We Drove on until the Road Dead Ended in a Tiny cramped Parking lot that could only accommodate 7-8 Cars tops.

We parked and hopped on out pausing a moment to took at the River Way for a Minute before heading Inside. It was Nothing Fancy that was for fucking sure, but I’m low as low maintenance can get so I was quite Entertained by it all. It’s Your Typical Garden Variety Marina Restaurant / Bait & Tackle Shop only it’s a Small Establishment with Limited Space to work with.

When You enter Your in the Dining Area with a Handful of Tables squeezed into one of the Building’s Corners. To Your left there was a long Non Descriptive Cashier’s Counter that had all kinds of Fishing Gear Like Hooks, Weights, Fillet Knifes, a expansive array of  Fishing Lures, Line, and signs Pertaining to the multiple kinds of Live Bait (Such as Crickets, Several Varieties of Worms and Feeder Fish) hanging on the wall behind it.

The Entire back Half of the Building housed the Bait & Tackle Store with all the usual fare like Baseball Hats, Bandanas, T-Shirts, Cheap Styrofoam Coolers, Beer/Soda Coozies, Fishing Poles, Tackle Boxes, Fishing Line, Boat Assorted Boat Supplies, a Variety of Pocket Knifes, Boots, Bug Spray, Bottle Openers, Camouflage Clothing of all Types, Ammunition, Gun Racks, American Flag Merch, Stupid Souvenir Shot Glasses, Cheesy Key Chains, and Everything else a Hunter, Fisher, Boater or Cookie Cutter Tourist would Need on any given Day.

        

So We took a Seat at One of the Tables and Started to pour over the Very Simple Menu (No Five Star Shit Here).  AT least Half the fucking Menu was basic Bar Food AKA Anything You can Drop into a fucking Fryer. There was one page of “Dinner Entrees” that gave off a Vibe to Avoid Them. The Waitress walked over like She a Night of The Living Dead Extra that didn’t make the Cut at Casting. There was no Hello or Smile about it She came over and asked Us our Drink Order in a Depressed Tone of Voice that seemed to say “Hey I’ve Given Up On Life.” before Shuffling off like She was Heavily Medicated with fucking Thorazine.

She took her sewer ass time getting back, and when She did She handed Us our Drinks which where just Bottles of Soda She had snagged from the Bait & Tackle Shop with No Glass or Straw option offered. The Disheveled Waitress with grey frizzy Hair thrown back into a haphazard Ponytail wearing the Faded Grateful Dead T-Shirt just sort of Stood at Our table  looking like fucking Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh and shit.

       

When The Lackluster Waitress finally spoke She asked for Our order. My Mother Bless Her fucking Soul has turned into one of those Little Old Ladies that ask so many fucking questions that People feel like They’re being Interrogated by a Ex-Member of Black Ops. So My Mother launches into her Version of 120 Questions inquiring about the Catfish Platter which she inevitably ended up Ordering, I had the Catfish Sandwich, and My Wife ordered the Country Fired Steak.

Now The Real Red fucking Flag here was during My Mother’s cross examination of the Sad Sack of a Waitress if the Catfish was indeed FRESH, and the Answer was Unequivocally NO. You see Out Here in the Woods by The Lake there is NO FUCKING LOGICAL REASON You can’t acquire and serve FRESH FUCKING CATFISH Especially if You Own and Operate A FUCKING MARINA ON THE FUCKING WATER. Danger be Damned My mother and I stuck to Our Original Order holding Our Ground.

   

For Such a Small establishment with only 3 fucking Customers in it at this Point and Time the food took fucking forever even though My Mother and I had Order Bar Food Fair (Fried Catfish Fillets and French Fries). Right as We were about to Riot the Waitress came creeping back like an Arthritic Tortoise with Our fucking Food. When She reached the Table She literally plopped the Food down unenthusiastically like serving Us was the fucking Bane of Her fucking Existence. She also failed to offer Us any Condiments, Drink Refills, or check if We needed anything Period.

She set My Food on the Table She announces that She actually fucked up a 1 of a 3 person Order by bringing out 2 Catfish Dinners when I Ordered the Catfish Sandwich. I got pissed at this point because the Dimwitted Waitress had picked up the fucking Order, Walked it Over, and set it Down AND THEN REALIZED She fucked up. I told her (on Principle here People) to fucking Fix it. A Couple minutes later the fucking Cook comes Out with the Food and heads over to Our table.

          

She then dumps this plate in front of Me like an insensitive asshole. I look down and damn near lost My shit. Apparently the Waitress and brought the food back where the Crappy Cook Took to of the Fillets from the Catfish Platter and placed them on a Plain Grocery Store Hamburger Bun and thats fucking it. No Mayo/Tartar Sauce, No tomato, No Pickle, No Lettuce not a fucking thing But this Generic Dry ass Hamburger Bun.

Before I could confront the Cook She leans past Me and gives Her the Other 2 Fillets from My incorrect Catfish Platter. Now I’m just fucking Dumbfounded the first thing I thought was I’m I being fucking Punished?! Why are they giving half my fucking food to My Mother instead of Me?!

        

They Simple DID NOT Give a single Rat’s Ass or Flying Fuck about Their Jobs, and Were constantly Battling Crippling and Chronic Depression. Suicidal Thoughts Abound.

The whole fucking Ordeal was so Bizarrely Surreal the Perfect way to sum this Sort up is This Quote: “When the Waitress left I didn’t know if I’d ever see Her again or if She was going to commit Suicide in the Restroom.”

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (29/365)

Lee stood up and stretched like a motherfucker. It been so damn long since His bathroom Break that just like on a long Road Trip Lee’s ass had gone numb. As Lee walked triumphantly out of the Theater with a Particular Kind of Pride at being the very fucking Last Person in the Audience by the End of the Show. It was like a Badge given out to People who’s God given Gift is being able to Survive Massive levels of bullshit without Breaking or Bailing.

When Lee reached the Lobby He walked right into a heated discussion between several of the Audience Members who had left the Show, and were still at the Theater arguing Tooth and fucking Nail with the Theater Manager. Of course They all were aggressively  demanding The Manager refund Their Money because the Show was complete shit.

       

Sitting on a Wobbly Old Stool behind the Vacant Concession Stand sat an Interesting looking Fellow who wasn’t actual involved in the Dispute, but apparently was getting a great kick of watching the Drama unfold with a Smile that was bordering on a Sarcastic Sneer splashed across His face.

Since the Show had been a Bust, and didn’t see the Point in fighting over a Few Bucks (the Tickets were $3) Lee figured  Why not stay and Watch too. At least He’d get some Real Entertainment instead of Pretentious, Lamenting Socially Objective, Over Indulgent Emo Artist Assholes plodding around the Stage thinking They’re all Provocative and Intellectually Deeply Symbolic Implements of Art. Lee strolled causally behind the concessions stand without a single person taking note all accept the Guy behind the Bar who watched Lee the entire way.

        

The Guy was wearing of Well Worn pair of Blue Jeans, Construction Boots that by Their Appearance were Older than Lee, and a Leather Biker’s Jacket adorned with a Collage of Patches and Pins. He had Long Dirty Blonde hair that hung half way down His back, and was sporting a AxCx (The Abbreviation used for the Band Anal Cunt) hat which Lee found very Cool. It was the Stranger’s Silencer T-Shirt that caught Lee’s Eye in particular because Silencer was an Obscure and Short Lived Experimental Black Metal Band Lee liked. This Rare T-shirt Earned Lee’s Initial Approval.

       

“This is fucking Beautiful Bud, This is the fucking Performance Art of Everyday Life. I’ve been here since the beginning and These People are gearing up to go to War over a piddly $3 Loss which is so not worth this Reality TV Show fucking Drama. I do have to admit though it’s one hell of a Show especially after that Buffett of Over the Top Exaggerated Bullshit.” said the Stranger in a matter of fact tone as if He was commenting on the Weather or some other banality.

“So what’s going on here exactly?” Lee asked inquisitively trying to get an Assessment of the Situation that was unfolding Before Him.

        

“Well the Dynamic here is this. As You can damn well tell the Theater Manager is the Angst Ridden Fellow with the Clip Board that looks like He’s about to have a Stress induced Aneurysm.” Said the Stranger who paused for a moment to take a Hearty Pull off a Pint of of Phil’s Fine Fortified Red Wine (that he had stashed in the Inner Breast Pocket of His Jacket) before continuing His tale.

Stay Tuned Kiddies for Tomorrow’s Insomnia Inducing Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (30/365)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Two Theoretical Perspectives

So Obviously We have a Foul Mouth, but We also have the Intelligent Mind to Back Up All Our average Absurdity. Since at Least Half of Us have a penchant for Sociology this seemed like the Logical way to Go. Enjoy.

     

One: The Functional Perspective- The Core of this Approach is to Identify conditions or Behaviors that Impede the fulfillment of Society’s Goals, that Interfere with the fluid Functioning of Society or that Throw Society into Disequilibrium. Social Problems either Fall Under the Category of SOCIAL DISORGANIZATION or DEVIANT BEHAVIOR.

PROBLEMS OF DEVIANT BEHAVIOR: Arise when Institutionalized Norms are Violated.

Assumptions of Functional Perspective:

  • Society has Collective Purpose
  • Social Problems are Objective
  • Consensus on Norms and Value

    

Two: Value-Conflict Perspective: At the Core of this Approach is the Belief that Value Judgements of Society Determine Whether something is a Social Problem. Different Groups with the most Power tend to have Their Values reflected in what is Deemed to be a Social Problem. Social Problems represent one of THREE Typologies. They include PHYSICAL, AMELIORATIVE, AND MORAL.

  • Physical Problem: A Condition that all People regard as a Threat to Their Welfare and Value Judgements can’t be said to cause the Condition Itself. Causation is Outside the Control of Man.
  • Ameliorative: Condition which People generally Agree is Undesirable, but for which They Can Not Agree on How to get Rid of It. This is a Man-Made Condition and Value Judgements prevent its Solution.
  • Moral Problem: Condition for Which there is NO Unanimity of Opinion that is Undesirable. There is NO Consensus in Values.

       

Assumptions of Value-Conflict Perspective:

  1. Social Problems are Subjective to Members of Society’s Values.
  2. Differences in Power Determine Recognition of Values.

Let’s Be Honest People are Utterly, Absolutely, Completely, and Totally Fucked Up 6 Days a Week and Twice on Sunday, BUT They are endlessly Fascinating.

Thanks for Reading,

  Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (28/365)

The Lights went out again as the Shell Shocked Performer was escorted off to seek Medical Attention no doubt, and for the Second Time the Poor Janitor had to come clean more Bodily Fluids off of the Stage in the Dark. During this Emergency Intermission Lee hear the stumbling sounds of yet more Members of the Audience had had Enough, and Stormed off to more than likely Demand a Refund.

By the time the Spot Light once again Illuminated the Tiny Theater Lee was extremely fucking happy that this was the Final fucking Act. For the Final Act an Obese Man who had to be pushing 400 and standing an unimpressive 5′ 2″ on a Good Day. He was wearing one of those humiliating Hospital Gowns with the fucking Ties in the back to keep the fucker closed.

        

Lee understood and could Fully Appreciate the Medical Reasons for Their Design, but still Lee considered Them to be more Insult to Injury than Medically Necessary. It was Indisputable that it was vital to the Patients well being to be Dressed in this mockery of a Gown as They call it in the Medical Community. Lee damn well knew it was so the Doctors can Grab whatever  Part of You that They need Access to (for Poking, Pounding, Prodding, Probing, or Puncturing) as Fast as Possible since in Medicine Time IS a Deciding Factor.

For Lee there were 3 questions about Hospital Gowns that had always lingered in Lee’s Mind. One was Why the hell couldn’t the fucking Material be made of something thicker or more substantial that the feeble glorified Toilet Paper?! The Doctors/Nurses aren’t ever going to fucking inject you Through the Gown regardless since doing so would contaminate the Needle.

      

Second Why the hell did the Ties have to be located at the fucking back which lets fucking face it is the most inconvenient spot to try and Tie so fucking thing. Why couldn’t the Ties be in Front or at least located on the Side anything would be better than on the fucking Back.

Three why the hell especially if They’re made out of Thin, Cheap, and Flimsy Material why the fuck does it have to be White AKA Almost fucking see through?! What the fuck do moronic Designs or what have You do, They don’t conceal shit very well if thats Their fucking Point.

Lee’s Fourth Question was why the hell couldn’t the Medical Gowns be fucking Longer. This thought always made Lee chuckle since there were so many Catholic High School Girls continuing the Ongoing Battle for Their Uniform Dresses being Shorter. Lee’s point was if shit goes down and the Doctors rush in to do Immediately Necessary Medical shit, and first would Open up the Gown. And since basically at that point They Medical Personnel have access to Your Fully Naked Body so why couldn’t They just be longer?! They weren’t fucking Cocktail Dresses for fuck’s sake.

       

Lee shook himself to Dispel the Daydream He was Diving into about Medical Gown Questions and Improvements. Once Lee’s faculties had righted themselves Lee saw That the Man in the Medical Gown had indeed unfastened the back of the gown, and it was now flying open. The Man had bent over at the waist and placed His hands on His Knees.

He then reached down to pick up a Small Lime Green Notebook that was laying in front of Him, and started to read aloud. It turned out He was reading Excerpts from “The Vagina Monologues” intermingled with Lyrical excerpts from various Songs by 2 Live Crew. The Man was reading the add mix of Literature and Lyrics with the Great Enthusiasm and An Unbridled Passion.

       

Lee looked around the Theater to see how many Audience members there in Fact were still remaining. Lee quickly counted 3 including Himself , but the Absence of a Viable Audience didn’t deter The Large Man on Stage in the least. The Man on Stage ended up reading for 45 minutes before standing upright, Closing the Note Book, and Staring strait into the Black Void of the Almost Empty Theater.

After 30 seconds or so the Man Lifted cast off His Hospital Gown, and Hoisted up His Belly to reveal a Monster Cock that was as thick as it was Long. He then lifted His Massive Member showing the Audience He was in Fact a Legit Eunuch, and where His Scrotum had been was a Intricately Detailed and quite Life like Tattoo of a Vagina. “I am The Recycled Sex a Homemade Hermaphrodite.” the Man proclaimed before walking off the Stage.

   

Lee now fully believed that Performance Art’s reputation for Weird Beyond the Fringe on The Fringe shit was Well Warranted, and that the Show He had just watched was all the Proof He needed. Accept for the Theremin Player Lee thought that Guy was fucking Awesome.

Stay Tuned Kiddies for Tomorrows Nail biting Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (29/365)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Happy Holidays errrrrr maybe not so happy???

Here’s a Lost Post From The Vault.

First off before I tear a bunch of people new assholes, I would like to extend a wish for everyone that reads this (and well those don’t too, I can’t really help if you have poor taste and haven’t read my blog yet) to have a very happy holiday season. Even if holidays are not your thing and you hate gatherings and you hate people and you hate egg nog and you hate presents and you hate jesus, please have a happy something. Even if it is your miserable death.

   

Now on to bigger and brighter things. Ahhhhh the spirit of the holidays. For me this means seeing a bunch of relatives which I like and dislike to varying degrees. I can handle this. Some years I hide. Some years I show up. Some years I show up and hide by the punch bowl. Blah blah blah. If there was no holiday I would live.

But this blog is not about me. I’m done serving up my life on a fuckin’ hot plate. This is about the flaws of others. If I wanted to see my own I would take my bike down by the lake and stare at myself in the deep dark waters until I thought I could see the bottom or until my blue eyes became one with the mucky goose shit.

       

Repentance?

Repentance can be simply defined as regret. We could throw big holy words like salvation, pennance, forgiveness from sin, rosary, holy holy polka, crucifix, and Tammy Faye Baker into it but I’m not in one of those moods. We shall stick we regret for this one but one thing before I vanquish goddish words.

I’d like to give a shout out to Jesus. Happy birthday. Although we don’t have much in common other then we both like growing beards and working with wood (oh wait that was your dad, oh wait wrong kind of wood) I would like to say Happy Birthday. I’m not quite a Christian but a lot of people really love you so you are okay with me.

Now back to the show……

       

There has been a disturbing trend going recently with people I know. Between oh about Halloween and Thanksgiving a lot of people I know got all fat and happy. Chocolate here, disappearance there, cranberry here, asshole there.

Well these unnamed people (no I’m not talking about anyone in my friends list or any of my friends for that matter, there are plenty of blogs to talk about you people) have decided to try and turn in their asshole card. Perhaps this is because they are good christians or atheists or jews or good people in general. No I really do not think so.

They are looking for handouts. They are looking for a cheap gift or a cheap lay or a cheap moment of zen for their past transgressions. I’ve seen it happen on more then one occasion this time of year. I have seen it on many.

     

The holiday most of us celebrate is Christmas people!!! It’s not confessional booth. It’s not lets make everyone rush to my good side so that I can get laid when the ball drops. Maybe that’s it. Maybe they want to get it hard in the confessional booth. I’m not really sure.

I just do not understand why people need to wait for an opportune time in order to stop being jackasses. Why do we need a holiday to be nice to someone? Why do we need specific days prescribed to us to give to others? All holidays have become corporate at least there is some religious backing to these. Well I don’t know about Kwanzaa much.

       

Point being. Don’t be bought for Christmas. Don’t be bought for New Years. You may go to bed with Rudolph and his red nose under the Christmas tree but you may wake up with Pinochio and his long, growing nose firmly planted inside your ass and growing. Nobody wants that kind of sex. Then Giapeto is gonna walk in and ask you to pay a dowry.

No no no.

When people stop being total douches could someone please send me a memo? Oh no wait you are sending me a text message with some bull about Santa. Happy Holidays!!!!!!

  By SpaceDog