Centrist

I am not a fuckin’ savior. I peel away at people like onions. We all do. Some of us are the peeled and we cry. Some of us are the instruments that scalp. Away. Away. Away.

We peel away the layers.

We peel away the sunshine.

We prefer it this way. Peeling away until there is nothing but barren terrain. Nakedness of the soul.

I see that barren flesh. I run. I hide. I capture but I do not seize. I growl at myself. I cannot kill the already dead. I cannot usurp what is already fallen at my feet. I plot. I ponder. I smile, I beckon them forth.

       

Centralist

I have always stood in between time and reality. I have always liked my part in this pathway towards truth, towards honesty, towards good.

I have always hated my lack of proofreading, my lack of utter care over things that most writers would throw hissy-fits about. Is this proper grammar? Am I spelled this write? Yes I know right.

I play dumb for the prey to think I am as such. It is not a very nice thing to do, but do it I shall. It was how the wolves conditioned me. Maybe I’m still just a wolf.

        

Most likely though, I fall in between. I am a centralist or centrist. I care not to look up spellings in dictionary.com. Usually words flow in my head that don’t make sense. Nine out of ten times, they are real words and I do a little spellcheck and poof they become what they were intended to be. Microcosms of my head spewed out to the masses herky-jerkedly like a disenfranchised orgasm at a self-righteous porno store.

Yes. yes. YES. !!! I would think if I had a bigger ego, that yes I am the fuckin’ Dr. Phil of the next generation. I have been in the middle of many things. I somehow italicized my shit and have no clue how. I havent been in the middle of any bi relationships but if I could have would have just so I could enlighten you all further. But that is not the point of this blog. The point is this………………………………………

        

There comes a time…….. when we as people need something more. I need more. I hear my friends call me after many a beer and I hear my friends after many a sober evening. I do not hear stability call. I hear everything but.

I write and write and write some more. There is no sense to the melody. There is no reason to the rhyme. Perhpas if I could hear the music. I could tell the tale better. But I have equal melodies of those captured by the waves of the substances and I hear equal melodies of those not captured by such.

What road should I travel? What road will hurt me less? I care not. I care to live.

  By SpaceDog

Internet Challenges For The Asinine to The Insane

Let’s fucking face it Internet Challenges are absolutely Stupid. Back in My younger days we did dumb shit, but it was Vandalizing shit with Spray Paint, Smoking a little Pot, Drinking a few Underage Beers, or some outlandish SkateBoard Trick Stunt.

We didn’t sit in front of a screen filming Ourselves Eating fucking Tide Pods, Dousing Ourselves in Flammable Fluid, Jumping out of Moving Cars to Dance next to Them, or any of the moronic shit that Kids are doing these days to Go Viral (the Overnight Ticket to Fame and Fortune that requires No Actual Work, Effort, Intelligence or Skill to Accomplish. Just act like an Idiot and get other Idiots to watch that’s all there is to it.

        

Internet Challenges are Providing the Path to the De-evolution of the Human fucking Race. These Challenges aren’t just ridiculously Dumb they are in reality making Your Children DUMBER by the Day. If a  Teen is watching these Viral YouTurd Videos, and decides to participate in one (with No  Sense of Self Preservation or Personal Safety) than Your Child has Officially become a Social Media Lemming. Congratulations Kill Yourself.

So After reading about Viral Videos of Internet Challenges and all the Assholes and Idiots who blindly follow this insanely Ignorant Trend wrote some of My Own Sarcastically out of growing Frustration. Society is Sliding Headlong into the Shitter.

       

WARNING:  IF YOUR NOT READING THIS THEN ITS DEFINITELY WRITTEN FOR YOU!!!

DO NOT TRY OR ATTEMPT TO RECREATE ANY OF THE FOLLOWING FAKE CHALLENGES!!!

       

YOU WILL GET HURT!!!

YOU COULD END UP PERMANENTLY DISABLED/DISFIGURED!!!

YOU COULD FUCKING DIE!!!

       

AND SINCE THE PEOPLE WHO TAKE THESE CHALLENGES DISREGARD THEIR OWN SAFETY TO BEGIN WITH AT LEAST CONSIDER THIS BEFORE DOING OR TRYING ANYTHING:

IT WON’T GO VIRAL, NONE OF THESE ARE REAL CHALLENGES, YOU WILL NOT GET CREDIT, ACKNOWLEDGEMENT, OR ATTENTION. YOU WILL JUST FUCK YOURSELF OVER.

AGAIN FOR THOSE NOT PAYING ATTENTION WHEN THEY DAMN WELL SHOULD, DO NOT TRY OR ATTEMPT ANY OF THIS DANGEROUS/DEADLY FAKE CHALLENGE BULLSHIT POSTED HERE.

THE POINT IS SHIT LIKE INTERNET CHALLENGES ARE DANGEROUS AND FUCKING DUMB, JUST DON’T TRY ANY PERIOD.

       

Internet Challenges for The Asinine to The Insane:

The Vlad Challenge: Named after Vlad The Impaler. Get a 9′-12′ (foot ) Large Wooden Pole with a Circumference of 10″-12″(Inches). Then fashion on end of Pole into a Sharp Point. Now have Several of Your good Friends grab the Blunt end of the Pole. Position the Point directly at the center of asshole. Have Friends ram Pole as far as They can up Your ass. Once that is done have Your Friends Hoist You up into a 90 degree angle while securing the base of the Pole in a Freshly dug Post Hole. Once everything is done and in place have Your Friends Take and Circulate (on Social Media) a Photo with the Hashtag #Dracula.

The Shitway Sandwich Challenge: Get a Foot Long Sandwich Bun. Slice and hold Open. Place a 12 Inch Turd on/in Sandwich Roll. See How Much You can Eat before realizing Your Eating a SHIT SANDWICH!        

Boozy Butt Chug Challenge: Get 1 Beer Funnel, 1 750ml Bottle of the Liquor of Your choice, and Lube which is Optional. Assume Your Butt Chug stance and insert End of Funnel into Rectum. Slowly Pour Liquor into Funnel. Extremest Credit for “Making It a Double” which is Butt Chugging Two 750ml Liquor Bottles worth of Alcohol with Your Ass.

The Golden Shower Challenge: Locate Someone. Pee on Them. Bonus Points for Peeing Beginning to End.

The Fisting Your FartBox Challenge: Get a Your choice of Lube. Make a Fist. Heavily Coat Fist and Forearm down to the Elbow. Insert Fist into Your own Ass. Double Points for Double Fisting.  Extremely Credit for preforming Said Challenge Dry (Lose The Lube).

        

I Eat Cock Challenge: Buy a Dildo and decorate by glueing Chicken Feathers, Fake Feet, Beak, Googly Eye, and Cock’s Comb (The fleshing strip of skin on a Rooster’s Head) to the Dildo. Now Eat from Tip to Testis (Testicles)  or as Much as You possibly can. WARNING EATING A DILDO DRESSED AS A ROOSTER PRESENTS A VERY SERIOUS AND REAL GAGGING ISSUE.

The Thumbtack Challenge: Acquire Standard Size Trampoline and Cover with Thumb Tacks until You can’t see the top of the Trampoline. Bounce on Trampoline for 15 minutes non stop. Count Number of Thumbtacks You pull Out of Your Body. Video with Highest Number Wins!

The 101 Challenge: This one is Simple. Film Yourself punching Yourself as Hard as You can in the Crotch 101 times. This Challenge is applicable to BOTH Men & Women. Don’t want to be Sexist.

       

The MUNG Challenge: This one Takes BALLS and is only for the most HARDCORE Challenge Taker. At Midnight go to Grave Yard with Shovel, a Pocket Knife, and a Friend. Dig Up a Corpse thats at Least 6 months to a Year Old.  Place Your mouth over the Corpse’s Mouth (You may have to cut some Stitching holding the Corpses’s Mouth Shut) like Your performing CPR. Now have Friend back up from the Bodie about 20-25 yards or so. Next have Your Friends run as fast as They can towards the Corpse, and then once They have reached it Jump directly onto its Abdomen. Eat/Swallow/Ingest the Contents that are expelled from the Corpse’s Mouth. Then Say “MMM Tastes like Chicken!”

        

The Purple Nurple Zoo Challenge: Go to Nearest Zoo. Select Animal and enter its Enclosure. Once inside locate said Animal give it a Two Handed Purple Nurple. More Points the Bigger and More Dangerous the Animal.

The Fire Crotch Challenge: Using any method You like entirely Shave You Genitals using ONLY FIRE. You can use a Lighter, Match, Blowtorch, Hovering over a Camp Fire whatever works.

The CooCoo’s Nest Challenge: Get Yourself committed to a Mental Institution for the Criminally Insane (WITHOUT HURTING ANYONE OR YOURSELF IN ANY WAY & WITHOUT BREAKING THE LAW!), and then Get Yourself Released by being Certified “Sane”.

        

Don’t Drop The Soap Challenge: Get Arrested for either Public Drunkenness, Public Urination, or Disturbing the Peace (NOTHING VIOLENT & NO FELONIES BOTH ARE GROUNDS FOR DISQUALIFICATION) Then go take a Shower in the Jail’s Communal Shower. Once there are at least 3-5 Other inmates in the Shower with You drop the Soap, and Bend Over to pick It Up. Whoever avoids being Raped Wins.

Montezuma’s Revenge Challenge: Get The Hottest Hot Sauce You can Find Legally. Buy Enema Kit. Go Home and Load Enema with HotSauce and Administer. Points Graded upon Hot Sauce’s Scoville Scale  (used to Gauge Potency of Peppers based on concentration of Capsaicin)

The Cheek to Cheek Challenge: Twerk with a Willing Person’s Face planted firmly between Your Ass Cheeks. The Longest Twerk Routine Wins. Extra Points if You Leave Skid Marks on The Persons Face.

       

Brushing Your Teeth Challenge: Use Any and All Abrasive Item(s) to Brush Your Teeth like a Wire Brush, Grill Scraper, Flat Cheese Grater, Belt Sander etc. Additional Score for Flossing the Same Way say with Piano Wire, Razor Wire, Barbed Wire, Piece of a Shredded Beer Can etc. THE BLOODIER THE BETTER.

The Bear Hug Challenge: Buy 15-20 Steaks from Grocery Store, 15-20 Carabiners, and a Length of Chain long enough to fashion a large necklace style Loop (Think Flavor Flav). Next stick a a Steak onto each Carabiner and then attached Carabiner to Chain Necklace. Go Out into the Wild (NO CHEATING BY GOING TO ZOO OR CIRCUS) and find the Biggest Bear You can. Once You have Spotted the Bear run up to it and give it the Biggest Bear Hug You Can. Whoever of those who don’t DIE the winner will be decided based on the number of remaining Steaks attached to the Participants Chain Necklace.

        

The Guiser Challenge: First find an actual functioning Guiser. Then sit down on top of said Guiser, and wait for it to Erupt. When it Erupts as You going flying 100’s of feet through the Air Say “I Can See My House From Here!” Grand Champion Crown for Anyone who pulls this Challenge off using Old Faithful.

The Toxic Shock Challenge: Buy a Box of Assorted Tampons(Women AND MEN again No Sexism Here all Punters can Play). Select the Heavy Flow Tampons from the Pack. Insert Tampon in Vagina or Ass if You’re a Man then Add One (without removing any previously inserted Tampons) each following Day for a Month. If You can without getting Sick You Win.

Roadkill Tartare Challenge: Find a FRESH piece of Roadkill Animal Carcass of Your Choice. Cut a Big Enough Piece to Be fashioned into a Large Hamburger Patty. Go Home, form Roadkill Meat into Burger (best way is to Grind It or just take it for a spin in the Blender), and Film Yourself Eating It. Whoever has the HIGHEST PARASITE COUNT AT THE END OF THE CHALLENGE IS THE CHAMP.

        

So thats all I have for Now, but You’ll more than likely see Another Similar Post with more STUPID FUCKING SOCIAL MEDIA STUNTS VERY SOON.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (27/365)

The Performer Guy  held the Christ like Pose for a few seconds before breaking into a full blown Gregorian Chant. Lee found it admirable that the Performer knew Latin since who the fuck spoke Latin as it had already been  declared a Dead Language?! Once the Performer was finished singing He placed the Hammer down laying along the 2 by 4 with a Bizarre Ritualistic sense of Reverence.

Next the Guy retrieved an Old Beaten Up Bible, and a Rickety Music Stand from behind the wings. He opened the Bible to a Pre Marked Page, and started to Read the part of the Bible about The Last Supper  in a Booming (almost Sing Song like) Baritone. Just as Lee was entertaining the idea of a second Bathroom break things started to pick up.

        

The Preformer started to speak Faster, and Faster like an Auctioneer on Crack Bender as His words began to Blur together Indecipherably. As He was reading at this point the Performer reached down and extended the bottom part of His Foreskin. He then held the section of His Foreskin in place using the insanely sharp looking Tip of the Massive Looking Nail.

Suddenly the Performer screamed out “THE BODY OF CHRIST!!!” like His fucking Life depended on it. This Snapped the Meager Audience back to Reality. As soon as He finished the word Christ the Performer picked up the 5 pound Hand Held Sledgehammer in His right Hand, Raised it High over His head, and then He brought it down (with all the might He could Muster) onto the Head of the Nail in one swift Blow. The Hammer struck the Nail with the loud Metallic Twang of Metal meeting Metal head on. The Nail Plunged almost all the way through the fucking 2 by 4 .

        

It was then that 3 of the 11 Audience Members present got up and left looking repulsed and pissed at the same time. Lee figured this Performance was like the others designed as an over the top Circus of Shock and Awe. And Lee would be damned if He was going to be the so called first on to flinch. This was an Abrasive Performance Art Showdown, and Lee was about to fucking loose.

The Performer returned to Reading about the Last Super from the Old Beaten Up Bible. This time His speech sped up much faster than the last time around, and Lee figured thats the way it is when you just impaled your Penis in front of a fucking Live Audience. As the Performer was building up Steam a Stage Hand in a Slayer T-shirt not so subtly snuck out and handed the Performer a Regular Standard Household Hammer.

        

This time the Performer Screamed Out “THE BLOOD OF CHRIST!” before taking the Claw of the New Hammer, and Violently Pried  the Nail out of the Board and His Foreskin. As soon as the Nail exited His Flesh a fucking torrent of blood came gushing forth like somehow His dick had been transformed into a fucking Fire Hose it was truly unreal.

The Performer jumped back from the 2 by 4, and took His fucked up Foreskin and tried to pull it over the head of His cock. This looked to Lee like  a strange attempt to stop the Profuse Amount Bleeding by turning His cock into an impromptu Water Ballon of sorts. Maybe the first thing the Performer (being uncircumcised) though of when looked down at His Bloody Bellend the first thing that popped into His head was Sausage. And thusly He was trying to use His Foreskin to create a kind of Casing if You will. Aside from the Odd Reasoning behind the Weiner wrapping idea it also was failing to work as copious amounts of Blood was being Splattered all over the fucking Stage at this point.

        

Stay Tuned Kiddies for the Next Stellar Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (28/365)

Thanks for Reading,

   By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (26/365)

As it turned out The Dueling Ted Nugents clashing in a Inflatable Kiddie Pool filled with Spam turned out to be quite Anticlimactic. As instead of flat out Brawling the Two Teds were having a choreographed Fight which looked to be a Hybrid of Professional Wrestling and Kung Fu. To make it suck even worse They were fighting in a Slow Motion Matrix Style Rip Off.

Lee couldn’t tolerate the Slow Motion Slaughterfest in Spam a moment longer so He opted to take a leak. Lee descended the Stair case back into the Dismal Lobby where He searched for the Restroom Door. Lee located it at last over on the Far Wall past the crappy Concession Stand.

        

Once Lee reached the Restroom Door He pushed it open only to discover it didn’t lead to an actual Bathroom, But to the Cramped Trash Packed Ally  next to the Theater. Lee figured when in Rome (or an Ally in Rome in this Case), and walked over to the nearest Dumpster. Lee was being extremely cautious no to step on any of the Garbage that was strewn about the Ally. The last fucking thing Lee needed was to catch Hepatitis or Herpies in addition to witnessing this ridiculous Performance Art absurdity.

Lee went back into the Theater and returned to His seat. Once seated Lee noticed the Two Teds had vacated the Stage, and the Next Act was now on Stage. Thank fuck thought Lee taking a piss had been the perfect way to avoid anymore Spam induced Shit. On Stage there was a Man who looked to be in His fifties suffering from a classic case of Male Pattern Baldness leaving His remaining hair looking like a Common Clown Wig.

        

He was Shirtless and Lee was truly dumbfounded by how much fucking Body Hair this Guy had. There was so much hair that it looked to Lee like this Guy had missed a step or two in the Evolutionary Process. Serious Lee thought this Guy must be the Subject of a ton of Bigfoot Sightings, and the Unknowing Star of hundreds of Sensational Bigfoot Captured on Film Videos. Lee figured that a real live Specimen of a Bigfoot is essentially a Cryptozoologist’s Wet Dream come True.

The Man who too Lee’s disappointment was wearing a pair of Kaki Slacks instead of say Shorts or possibly a swim suit who fucking knew in a Venue like this One Lee found Himself in currently. The Man on Stage also had on a Pair of Black Dress Shoes so Lee couldn’t see how Big win fact this dudes feet were, and couldn’t help wondering if the Black Shoes were intentional to hide perhaps this Guys Big Feet?!

      

The an went over to the Side of the Stage to retrieve a couple of Saw Horses, a 2 by 4, a 5 pound Hand Held Sledge Hammer, and a Nail that honestly could have been a fucking Railroad Tie. The Man set up the Saw Horses about 4 feet apart and then He places the 2 by 4 across them like a Balance Beam. The Man then took the Nail and Put it in His mouth Sideways Biting  Down on it Gingerly. He perched the Hammer balancing it precariously at the far right end of the 2 by 4.

Once the Performer Guy had his Set Up as situated He nonchalantly took His pants off folding them delicately before placing them at His feet. Again to Lee’s dismay The Guy managed to remove His pants OVER his Shoes depriving Lee of yet another curious glance at the size of His feet.

        

The Man then pulled His Boxer Shorts down to His ankles in one fluid motion, Stood Up, Plopped His Flaccid Penis onto the 2 by 4 in front of Him, Took the Nail out of His Mouth with His left Hand, Picked up the Hammer with the Right, and the Blurted out “I GIVE YOU…THE CIRCUMCISION OF CHRIST.” before holding up both the Hammer and Nail in outstretched Arms in a Crucifix Pose.

Stay Tuned Kiddies for Tomorrows Harrowing Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (27/365)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Savior

I hate picking categories for my blogs. Sometimes I sit here for like ten minutes and mull. I like sitting and mulling over things. Then I usually just drift away, drift away, drift away………

I’ve been wanting to write this for a few days. I think it might be important. There are just so many angles and I’m seeing things in my head like a great big kaleidoscope lately and Resces Peanut Butter Cups saved me. Ramble done. Substance begin.

        

Saving

I met a woman
She had a mouth like yours
She knew your life
She knew your devils and your deeds
And she said,
‘Go to him, stay with him if you can
But be prepared to bleed’

-Joni Mitchell

When first heard these lyrics, it resonated with something deep down within me. I had a dream. Well a daydream of sorts. I was 14 years old. It was on my parents bed. I saw that man. I saw the man I was supposed to save. The features in his face were blurred. Then I knew. Then I knew.

      

The search was short. I thought I found that which had been conjured to me. This was only a faux pearl. This was something like heartache but I had no heart. No one was saved. I was left a wreckage. Nothing was broken. Nothing has no name.

I went off further into the abyss we call humanity. I saw glimpses of greatness. I saw far more horrors. I’ve seen many things that do not bear repeating. For their lack of importance, for their lack of any kind of depth. Only rings around a tree. Only rings around a giant redwood smothered around her kindren deep within the darkest forrest.

     

Then one day someone introduced a novel concept to me. That of saving myself. So I did. I had just seen Trainspotting again recently. So I left the life I knew, the people I knew stuck at a random motel. I thought I had stolen their drugs but in actuality I stole their Marlboro miles. I did not fret. I did not care. I never looked back. That life was gone.

Then I found something. I found myself. He was hiding where the willows never weep. On a tall cumulus cloud nestled in between the puffs.

When I was sitting home one night it occured. I had no idea what was happening. There was no immediate warmth or glow or feeling of glee or joy. I met the person I was supposed to save. There’s really no way of knowing you are going to save something until the process is already underway. It sweeps you up one night and then you wake up the next day with a hangover. You wonder what just occured. I thought this was love. This was nothing of the sort.

       

So I saved him.

Literally.

His life.

Not we had a little pep talk and he went out and threw three touchdown passes and the whole town of rednecks went into a frenzy.

Not I sprinkled my fairy dust all through the village and everyone thought he was a prince.

Not he was sad. We got drunk. We fucked. He felt acceptance but walked with a limp.

       

No. Physically preventing him from leaving this world. Tackling him with the noose in his hand.

It happened again. This time I offered him death. I offered him a chance to overdose on my bed. He chose not. Saved again.

Aftermath 

I do not regret the choices I have made.

I stand by each and every one of them as my own.

Sometimes I wonder whether or not I saved the person I was supposed to save. It’s not really what I would call a regret. Just more mulling inside my own head.

There are times that make my decision feel right. There are times that make it cold and barren and desolate. An Antarctic tundra trapped by numbness between the webbing of my feet.

      

I do not search for what is to be saved.

I do not seek that which lies within.

I venture forth the crumbling highway.

I call for nothing yet something always begins.

  By SpaceDog

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (25/365)

There was then a short “Intermission” that is if You call sitting in complete and utter darkness for 5 minutes while the Stage was being Reset. Lee was thinking to Himself in the meantime that while as Brutally Savage the Young Guy craping in a Bucket had some serious balls. That and the piece was far too long so He should consider using a Laxative next time to speed things along.

        

The Spot Light blaring back on like a Fucking Lighthouse. On Stage was a Man standing rigidly behind a Theremin (Thereminophone), and wearing a full head to toe Black Body Stocking.  The Body Stocking was decorated with Random Cliche Space shit in Dayglo Paint. A Pre Recorded Narration started to play from not a not so legit Sound System, but from a shitty 1980’s Boom Box at the back of the Room. Lee had to satisfy His curiosity and peered over His shoulder. Lee was delighted to discover to see He was exactly right about the BoomBox.

Then Bored sounding Narrator that was some Monotone Kid mumbling almost incoherently at points about Inner Dimensional Time Travel like one of those Fanatical Sci Fi assholes that argues in Klingon. Lee felt the Intro was Purely Self Indulgent because it was just Token Space Topics like Light Speed, Blackholes, Time Travel, Alternate Dimensions, Extraterrestrials, Worm Holes, and Life on Mars being rattled off by some thoroughly Uninterested Kid (who more than likely was the Performer’s actual Kid).

       

The Intro Recording ended and the Performer launched into a what can only be explained as Speed Metal on a Theremin. It totally blew Lee’s Balls Off. He just couldn’t get past how fucking Awesome the Performance actually was. He had thought it would just some Overindulgent Emo Loving Sci Fi Freaky  Nerd dredging on and on through what He would classify as “Musical Soundscapes” or something similar as fuck that it might be called.

After a Blistering Round of Theremin Speed Metal (as Lee was calling it) the Performer threw the Theremin over sending it crashing down to the Stage. It landed with deep and solid thud. Lee assumed this was the Theremin equivalent of a Metal Guitarist smashing Their Guitar at the end of a Song/Set. Lee found the Overturning of the Theremin to be the Icing on the Cake as far as He was concerned.

      

The next Act featured to Men wearing only Red 70’s Bicycle Shorts and matching Ted Nugent Halloween Masks. The Two Men stood facing one another from the Opposite Ends of a Large Inflatable Kiddie Pool. The Kiddie Pool was almost completely filled with an Unidentified Meat or Meat Product. It looked to be some shit ton of an unappetizing Canned Meat Product to Lee making Him a bit Queasy.

Then a Song from a particular Monty Python Skit featuring Spam started playing from the Boombox in the back “Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam….” as the Two apparent Advisories swayed Side to Side switching Their weight from Foot to Foot eyeing each other up. The Song then arrived at an Audio Clip of Dialog (also from the the Skit) which had be Edited in Exclaimed “But I DON’T LIKE SPAM!” the Two Performers Lunged at One Another as They entered the Kiddie Pool to engage in Battle.

        

Stay Tuned Kiddies for the Next Deviant Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (26/365)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (24/365)

Lee entered the Small Lobby and looked around as His eyes adjusted to the Dim Light. Everything was painted Black The Walls, Door, Ceiling, and Concession Stand which made it all that more difficult to see anything at first. The Concession Stand was defunct with an Outdated Popcorn Maker, A Soda Dispenser that was coated in cobwebs, and an entirely empty Display Case.  Lee couldn’t figure out why the Theater Owners weren’t selling Candy and Soda since that shit boosted the Bottom Line when it came to profits.

Lee walked up a flight of stairs into the Tiny Theater which had max seating of 50 people at most. The Chairs were simply the run of the Mill folding Metal Chairs in rows sending a homemade Riser. Again every fucking thing was painted Jet Black. There was a handful of onlookers in the Audience that topped out at 11 people including Lee sitting motionless as if They were Tibetan Monks Meditating. Lee found the unyielding Silence to be rather unnerving since it reminded Him of a fucking Funeral Home.

       

Then at last the lights dimmed down, a Gentlemen who looked like a Long Haul Trucker fresh off the road appeared from god knows where and stood unenthusiastically next to the sole Spot Light (there wasn’t another sort of Stage Lighting to be found). After a brief pause The Curtin crept open and the Spot Light jumped into action.

The First Act was called “Pregnant with Myself: The Inner Child Defined”. The Act consisted of a Young Female Contortionist preforming a 3 stage Interpretive Dance.  The First Stage was Her inpregnationg Herself by having Sex (Not Masturbation) with Herself followed by Her being Pregnant with Herself. The last Stage, Stage 3 was Her giving Birth to Her fully Grown Self with an exorbitant amount of Fake Blood.

       

The Contortionist was followed by a Young Man that appeared to be in His late Twenties in Jeans and plain blue t-shirt who walked very deliberately onto the stage, set down an empty 25 Gallon Plastic Bucket, then dropped His pants, Sat Down on said Bucket, and then spent the next 57 minutes taking a shit in it while playing Candy Crush on His Cell Phone. It was then that Lee realized WHY the Theater didn’t sell anything Edible.

The 3rd Act was a Pair of Fuzzies who came out one dressed as a Bright Pink Unicorn and the Other was Dressed as a Tyrannosaurus Rex . They then proceeded to play a few Children’s Games like Leap Frog and a 2 person game of Duck, Duck, Goose before Standing side by Side. Once the Fuzzies were standing next to one another shoulder to shoulder They undid the Velcro that covered Their crotches exposing the Unicorns erect cock and the T-Rex’s freshly shaven Vagina. The Two the engaged in Mutual Masturbation until Both Climaxed and fell over. Lee pitied the Janitor who had to clean that shit up before the Next At took the Stage.

\        

Stay Tuned for the Next Fun Filled Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (25/365)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Well We Could See This Coming From a Mile Away.

Yes I have once again managed to let Life sideswipe Me, and Now I’m playing catch up like a motherfucker. Easter was a bit shall We say Extreme. It started when Our Departure Time was delayed 3 hours by having to deal with some last minute Big Dog bullshit.

When We finally Hit the Road the Weather was Gloomy, Overcast, and bit Rainy like Seattle 99% of the time. Anyway We found out Via the Radio that there was a Massive Storm Front coming Our way that consisted of 5 different Sever Thunderstorms that was kicking the shit out of everything in its path. Now My Wife and I having spent far too long in The Great Southern Swamp just shrugged the Warnings Off because We’d been through Category 1 Hurricanes all the way to Category 4 (Hurricane Scale is 1-5 with 5 being the real motherfucker.

        

The next thing We know the Skies opened up in a Biblical Downpour and the Wind picked up so Furiously that it was a struggle keeping the Car in its Lane as it felt like the Car was being battered by an endless line go Wrecking Balls. Then the Radio started to blow up every 12-15 minutes with VERY DIRE Tornado Watches that were now plaguing the surrounding areas. The Tornado Warnings were so Death and Doom oriented I recored on one My Phone. Here is that Tornado Warning:

        

“Beep-Beep-Beep The National Weather Service has issued a tornado Warning  for Cumberland, Kilingsworth, and Duncan unit 2:15 pm eastern Daylight Time. At 1:37 pm Severe Thunderstorms capable of producing BOTH Tornados and  extensive HIGH WIND Damage Located near Mourville moving Northeast at 45 miles per hour. HAZARD TORNADO Source: Radar indicated Rotation. Impact: Flying Debris will be Dangerous those caught without Shelter, Mobile Homes WILL BE DAMAGED OR DESTROYED. Damage to Roofs, Windows, and Vehicles WILL OCCURE. Tree Damage IS LIKELY. This Waring Includes I-90 between Mile Markers 48 and 68. Precautionary/Preparedness Actions: TAKE COVER NOW. Move to an Interior Room located on the LOWEST FLOOR of a STABLE BUILDING. AVOID WINDOWS. If You are Outdoors, in a Mobile Home or in a Vehicle move to the CLOSEST SUBSTANTIAL SHELTER and PRTECT YOURSELF FROM FLYING DEBRIS. This cluster of Thunderstorms is capable of PRODUCING TORNADOS and WIDE SPRED WIND DAMAGE. DO NOT WAIT TO SEE OR HEAR THE TORNADO for Your PROTECTION Move to an INTERIOR ROOM on the LOWEST FLOOR of a Building. Beep-Beep-Beep”

        

The rain was coming down in Torrential Sheets being wildly whipped around by the increasingly strong Winds. You couldn’t see more than 5 feet in front of You at best. You had to strain the fuck out of Your eyes in an attempt to keep track of the Tail Lights of the Car in front of You to (keep from driving off the fucking road all together). There was a moment when My Hurricane Bravado wained and I thought to Myself that Holy Shit We might have to be ready to actually Bail off the Highway in search of Shelter of some sort. Luckily We made it through unscathed.

       

I got to My meeting at 9:45 pm and started Drinking at 9:47. I overdid it a bit and ended up doing Shots of Fireball while pounding Budweisers until I back to Our Base Camp at 4:30ish in the Morning. Needless to say I’m getting Older than I was Earlier in My Life and woke up the Next Day feeling like I had been run the fuck over by a Steamroller. I spent the Day nursing one hell of a Hangover. By 6:30 I was back on track. We had an early Easter Dinner and was back at the Bar at a little before 10pm, but this was a Personal trip for Fun (Not Business like the Night Before). I arrived back at Basecamp at quarter of 3 in the Morning.

       

On Easter We hit the Road for Home and this time the Trip was smooth as could be without a single delay or mishap. WITH THAT SAID I am Fully Aware I am behind in Posting the “Daily” installments of Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher as well all the other Planed Posts because of this Turbulent Trip. I Apologize in al Honesty and with the greatest Sincerity I will do My Best to get Caught Up Quick as I can. Thank You.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (23/365)

Lee noticed as He was driving to the Theater that it was located in what He like to call the Artistic Industrial Zone. This Area on the Outskirts of the City was know by Locals as The Industrial Art Zone. The Area had been dubbed the Industrial Art Zone because used to be a Bustling Industrial Hub decades ago before facing the harsh Economic Hardships during the Great Depression. Since the Big Manufacturing Businesses had Closed Shop, and Left Town due to Bankruptcy the Area had remained virtually untouched like one Giant Ghost Town comprised of Crumbling Factories, Dilapidated Warehouses, and Abandoned Store Fronts that lined the Pothole plagued Road.

        

Over the last few Years the Vacant and Decaying Neighborhood had become a sort of unofficial Mecca for the City’s Struggling Artists as well as Small Time Art Galleries, Movie Houses, and Theaters that operated on a Shoestring Budget had set up shop due to the incredibly reasonable rents (which is a nice way of saying Cheap as Hell). The cheap rates and Large Lofts provided the Artist not just a Roof over Their head, but an amply work Space as Well.

       

Lee had a rather depressing thought cross His mind which was He wondered how much longer it would be before Scourge of Gentrification would arrive and displace the Artistic Residents for fucking Star Bucks, and other Pretentious Businesses that catered to the invading Wealthier Demographic. Fuck Trends and all things fucking Trendy Lee thought to Himself why does society succumb to the desire and will of the Rich?! Money Lee thought to Himself was a real motherfucker.

    

Lee pulled up to the Theater, Parked, Pumped a handful of Quarters into the Meter (Lee was amazed was even there and on Functional on top of that), and walked up briskly to the Ticket Window. What Lee nonchalantly had assumed was just good old glass appeared to in fact be Bullet Proof Safety Glass (the kind One finds at All Night Gas Stations, and in Connivence Type Stores in Seriously Shitty Places).  There was a Tall Thin Man in His Twenties with Pale White Skin that if was any Paler it be fucking Transparent., Sunken Eyes that seemed to be actively retreating into Their Sockets, and with Stringy shoulder length Hair. The Ticket Guy looked as if He was on the verge of Passing the fuck out on His face or Nodding Off due to being Strung Out on Heroin and was currently Under the influence.

In the end Lee couldn’t decide if the Ticket Teller was in fact a Hardcore Goth or a Hardcore Junkie either which way it was too hard to Tell considering both were perfectly Viable Options in this part of Town.

       

Stay Tuned Kiddies for Tomorrow’s Mind Warping Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (24/365)

Thanks for Reading,

 By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (22/365)

Since Lee’s first Day at the Gas Station until Monday since Bob told Him He had to fire a current knucklehead first. And since it was Saturday Lee went back to His car to jump on His phone right quick Google to see what was going on in the Area. As Lee lazily scrolled down the unimpressive List of Weekend Events in and around town one finally caught His eye it was a Show called “The Performance Art Extravaganza” that was playing at a tiny Theater named “The Performance Art Arena”.

Lee found the similarity between the Show’s name, and the Theater’s name lame as hell since there wasn’t any creative though behind either. Lee popped over to The Theater’s website to get further details on the Show. There wasn’t in fact a whole hell of a Lot of available Pertinent Information since the Website looked like a fucking French Avant Guard Student Film. To add insult to injury there were only vague descriptions of the various Events They were hosting that Month.

        

Lee found the Show and clicked on it for specific details pertaining to that Nights performance of whatever the fuck a Performance Art Extravaganza was. The Description was short and seemed to lack a point. All the summation of the Show said was  “A Night of Emotion and Thought as 7 Different Artist preform Their unquietly Personal Art Pieces for an Evening of Intellectual Stimulation and Profoundest of Thoughts”

Lee couldn’t make heads of fucking Tales of the Show’s description so He scrolled down to see Who the Artist/Act Was to see if that might help clarify some semblance of an explanation. The First Act was Titled “I’m Pregnant with Myself” by Lillian Louise followed by “Outhouse Orchestra” By Otto Arse. At that point Lee stopped reading as He was getting No Where at all.

       

Lee figured why the hell not go to See the Show anyway since He didn’t have any plans, and Time to Kill before starting His New Job on Monday. After an aggravating hour in bumper fucking Traffic due to a Horrendous Auto Accident. A Propane Truck had swerved out of its Lane, and side swiped a Bus full of Nuns. Both Vehicles careened off the Road. The Propane Truck ended up Sandwiching the Bus  between It and the cement Safety Barrier. When the Vehicles collided with the Safety Barrier the Propane Truck Exploded on Impact instantly Obliterating everyone involved in the Accident.

Stay Tuned Kiddie for Tomorrow’s Reality Warping Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (23/365)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober