Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (3/365)

Along the way as Porn Shops became Cleaner, Safer, and more Socially Acceptable Their availability to the Public became Greater. Porn Shops now could operate Out in the Open giving Them a much more viable and visible presence in the Community so to speak.

Back in the Old Days One had only one of two options when it came to visiting a Porn Shop. Now first off in BOTH scenarios the Trips are made at Night as even the most Hardcore Porno Fans wouldn’t venture out in Daylight to visit a Porn Shop. It was totally out of the Question because You always ran the risk of Someone You knew seeing You, and back then that was a huge fucking deal.

   

Now You either lived in a City, and had to circumnavigate the Perils of The Trip to the Porn Shop. Since Porn was Persecuted at the time if You went to a Porn Shop You had to stray into a truly shitty Neighborhood. You would have to weave in and out between the Hookers, Junkies, Pimps, Drug Dealers, Muggers, Petty Thieves, Hustlers, Police (who could and most likely would arrest you), and Homeless. And as You did You pass other so called Unsavory Businesses such as Shady Strip Clubs, Porno Movie Theaters, Pawn Shops, Liquor Stores, Abandoned Store Fronts, and Flea Bag Hotels the kind that Rent by the Hour.

That or if You lived in a Rural or Suburban Area You had a serious Drive in front of You if You wanted to pop by Your “Local” Porn Shop. Suburbia is just as bad as if You lived in a Remote Rural Area. Thats due to the Unwritten Rule of No Porn in Places People go to Raise Their Kiddies. Well the Internet fucked that Up for Suburbanite Parents.

   

Anyway if You lived in the Rural or Suburban setting the Porn Shop would be on Average 45-60 minutes away in the middle of Bumblefuck Nowhere so remote They don’t even have Street Lights. That meant You’d have to drive late at Night Down some long, dark, and winding Country Backroads while worrying about hitting a Deer (or some other Woodland Critter along the way.)

It was  identical to how Psychiatry is widely Accepted and Utilized Nowadays by the Members of Society free from the Stigma of the Past where only “Crazy” or “Seriously Disturbed” People saw Shrinks. Porn Shops just like Psychiatry were once Demonized had now come Full Circle, and now instead of be ostracized by Society where now a Welcomed Addition.

 

Stay Tuned To Tomorrows Installment of Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (4/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (2/365)

Lee spent the early Day downtime pondering why Anyone still Patronized Porn Shops. Lee like the name Porn Shop as it seemed more Honest than the watered down Adult Store/ Adult Book Store. Why would Anyone bother going to a Porn Shop with the Infinite Universe of Free Internet Porn that could be viewed in (the Protection and Privacy of) One’s Own Home.

It was very similar to when VHS Tapes became available to the General Public it was inadvertently the Final Nail in the Porno Movie Theaters. The principle reasoning is fucking Identical in Why go out and risk embarrassment/Arrest when You could now watch all the Porn you wanted at Home for the First Time thus negating the need or use of Porno Movie Theaters.

Lee surmised that the Principle Reason People still Frequented Porn Shops was simply Instant Gratification. If One wanted say a Certain Sex Toy (outside of the Free Porn Movie Clips/Movies/Scenes) One has to wait for it to be Delivered. Even with 2 day, Priority, and Overnight shipping People want what the want as fast as fucking possible optimally without waiting.

Lee also had come to the conclusion that the Evolution of the Porn Shop over just short of 5 Decades had a great deal with People still Utilizing Porn Shops, and Porn Shops Widening Their Customer Base. The Old Days of the Dingy, Dank, Poorly Lit Porn Shops with Their Sticky Floors and Shady Clientele had gone the way of the Dodo. Porn Shops used to be on the outer fringe of Society operating in a sketchy “Legal Grey Area” since Technically in the 1970’s Porn was basically Illegal. Customers of Porn Shops or Adult Porno Movie Theaters ran the risk of Being Arrested in a Police Raid.

     

Then over the Years Porn slowly became more accepted by Society as a whole. So it was this Social Shift that allowed Porn Shops to essentially come out into the Open and Operate like any other legitimate Business. And with being allowed to Operate without Legal issues/trouble Porn Shops literally cleaned up Their act.

Porn Shop became bright and well lit with Loud and Colorful Advertising Posters on the White Sterile Walls. Suddenly Porn Shops went from Sleazy STD Ridden Barely Legal Shitholes to Viable Commercial Retail Shops that resembled Walmart more than a Scummy Den of Vice.

   

Stay Tuned for Tomorrows Installment of Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watch (3/365)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Open Letter To Face Book (Well a Copy of The Letter I sent Them)

(If it isn’t obvious to some I added the Pics for the Post Only They weren’t included with/in the Original Letter.)

Dear To Whom It May Concern,

I am attempting to reactivate My Facebook Account (of which I am currently Lock Out of) from over 8 years ago. I am aware there is an Identity Verification Option where I present you a copy of My Driver’s License that would resolve this Issue. I though have never been offered said Option for reason I Do Not Know or Understand.

Instead of the Identity Verification Option I am limited only to Bot Tests.The problem I am facing with these tests is based on the Question where The User is asked to Match 20 Names of Your Facebook Friends to Their Faces. I find this Bot Test Utterly Absurd to Say the Least.

   

I say that based on the argument that Facebook Friends are anything but a User’s actual Friends. I am fully aware that obviously FB Users have Actual Friends on their FB Pages, BUT those are Their Friends the Knew Previously in Real Life. And I am aware of the possibility that in rare cases FB users do befriend each other and meet up in Real Life. This though is a Rare Exception to the Rule.

The Rule of Thumb is You will is that FB Friends are in fact nothing more than an endless Joke from Professional Comedians to The Man of the Street. The Joke is the Reality that though Their You’re so called Friends Your Nothing but Strangers.

The Mass Majority of FB Users will Never meet or Communicate outside of the initial Friend Request. User’s know NOTHING/NEXT TO NOTHING about Their fucking FB Friend(s), and a lot of the Time Users don’t even fucking know what the hell Their FB Friends even fucking  look like as They use an Avatar or some sort.

   

The Reason FB Users utilize Their FB so called “Friends” is mainly because thats just simply what the fuck Users do. Ego is another motivator as People love to fucking brag about how many FB Friends or Twitter/Instagram Followers They Have like its some major fucking accomplishment.

The Last reason for the FB Friend phenomenon is People racking up Their FB “Friends” to get Attention usually Because They want to further a Project (like Monetizing a Youtube Channel, Website Promotion, Blog Advertisers, or to be Social Media Famous. FB Friends aren’t viable Human Relationship, They’re just a fucking stepping stone to Bigger and Better things FB Users Rather Be Doing or Accomplishing OUTSIDE OF FB.

The Irony of it all is You had virtually fucking NO SECURITY for its Users, and basically created the perfect Tool for Stalkers, Pedophiles, Burglars/Robbers, and Scammers of all kinds. It was ONLY due to PRESSURE from the American PUBLIC, and under great security by the Media that FB finally Back Peddled like a son of a bitch. ONLY then did You fain concern for Your Users Privacy and Safety. So the fact the FB is acting like Self Righteous Assholes over Their New Security to  be a fucking Laughable.

      

Not to mention FB got caught selling User information unbeknownst to Them to 180 different Commercial Companies. FB also funneled User’s PRIVATE INFORMATION to Political Companies can You say CAMBRIDGE ANALYTICA?! Thusly with the History of FB’s Extremely Lax Security until recently, and  FB EXPLOITING THEIR USERS PERSONAL INFORMATION for PROFIT on SEVERAL LEVELS to be down right Criminal, but Zuckerberg knows that He had to Testify down in DC pertaining to the aforementioned FB problems.

This is the Solution I would like to suggest in/with this Letter. FB stops being complete cocksuckers, and Unlock My Old Account by The End of the Business Day. Then FB and I can go back to co existing, and will hopefully never have further communicate with FB on this or Any Other bullshit FB “Security” or Scandal Issues or Problems in the Future.

Sincerely,

 Les Sober

A whine, a whine, and cake

This month has been incredibly hard for me. With my new found dedication to my mind, body, and spirit which includes sobriety, health, and meditation has come a lot of new found pitfalls. Not really new just that I thought quitting smoking would come very easy to me like quitting drugs or quitting drinking, but those did not come on the first try so why should this have.

It has kept me from writing as much I would have liked. But changes need to be imminent, otherwise change will never occur.

That being said. I started writing this yesterday however I needed a bit of a kick in the ass, a nice taste of stupid people, and a little bit of eye candy.

Unfortunately all I saw at the gym were five foot tall power lifting gym rat muscle heads. I’m pretty sure one stood at maybe 4’4″. I always find it cute with double numbers, just not with those two. I guess if I liked women I would like 44 better. I mean Pam Anderson does have a nice rack.

   

Ugh so all these people that think they can drive the speed limit or better in the snow are amusing. It’s not that bad out yet, maybe two or three inches and people drive like they are God. I am waiting for someone to crash into the median in front of me at some point. It would be pretty funny unless an airbag went off or glass broke. Most silly accidents like that are relatively funny.

OK I’ll stop being sick in the head. The funniest thing about the snow is there is always someone on TV shoveling it way, way, way too early. In this case about 15 hours too early. And he looked 70. I wish there was a way to broadcast to all elderly people when they are cutting up.

Or anyone really. Like sometimes my conscious mind seems to take a trip to a far away galaxy. There should be a chip in my head. Bad Spacedog, Bad Spacedog!!!! And transport me to some shackles.

    

That all being said…..I am not in the mood to bitch a whole lot more.

I am in the mood for cake. An entire cake…. decadent, lascivious, homemade, mouthwatering.

Men are like cake.
If I could I would eat cake everyday.
For every meal.
Then I would waddle eventually.
Overly indulged I would not want cake ever again.

Men are like that. You have too many, you will end up waddling or walking with a certain slant or strange visitors in your nooks and crannies.

Yet there are so many kinds of cake. It’s easy to find any old piece of cake. A vanilla with vanilla frosting or a chocolate cake. Minors are kind of like cupcakes. When you are a little cupcake, they are nice and tasty and big cakes are rather frightening or daunting or cumbersome. Hopefully we grow out of cupcakes.

 

Sometimes I still feel like a cupcake or I feel like eating one but I like a biT more satisfaction. And besides cupcakes don’t come in as many flavors.

And my favorite cake. I’m not really sure. My favorite cakes changes from year to year to year. Right now it probably would be Black Forest. But if I went around looking for a man that was black forest I would probably find something similar but not the same. Like a chocolate cheesecake covered in cherries.

But it’s easy to find cheesecake too. In fact most of the men in this world are cheesecakes. You can top them with strawberries, cherries, blueberries but guess what? They are still cheesecake underneath it all. Maybe if I liked cheesecake I would have been the type of person that has had a piece of cake under my grubby little fingers since I was 16 years old but I’ve never really been the biggest fan of cheesecake. It probably would be easier. But why just settle for the cheesecake?

   

I’d even take my second favorite cake, Triple Mousse. Then I find Triple Mousse and realize that cake is no longer what I want. I suddenly am allergic to chocolate. I suddenly am allergic to you. I ponder and I plot and I worry about what I am supposed to do. It would be nice if I could put a rain check on the Mousse or the Black Forest.

But then some days I want pie. And on those days I hide. I love lemon meringue and I love key lime, but the pie sometimes symbolizes what is wrong with life. It is so convenient and so easy, like the crack cocaine of sweets. Hostess and Tastycake and Drakes offer it for a dollar or less at times and it is so accessible. It calls right there and screams my name. It is easy to resist but hard like all other bad things can be at times.

So I sit here on this post snowy day wondering what exactly Christmas cookies are.

   

Then I wonder about Advent calendars. Why can’t their just be a man hiding behind the many days leading up to Christmas? That I can take with me and wake up under the Christmas tree and then just put him away a few days after New Years and forget about him and throw him in the crawl space until the following December.

I suppose some things will never be perfect in the world.

  By SpaceDog

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (1/365)

Lee arrived at work half an hour late. He then proceeded to unlocked the door, walked in, and switched the lights on. Slowly the rows of Florescent Lights that lined the ceiling flickered to life initiating Their Trademark and incessant Hum.  Lee made sauntered lazily to the back office that was in fact a converted Janitorial Closet, and the stench of Bleach and Industrial German Disinfectants still hung in the air.

As Lee counted out his cash drawer he glanced at the Calendar that hung on the wall that was one of the free Chinese Food Restaurant freebies. The Owner was such a  fucking cheap  bastard he made Scrooge look like a fucking shopaholic.

17 more days Lee noted 17 more days until the day he had decided previously to getting the job to quit. You see Lee was a self-proclaimed Professional People Watcher, and in planning Lee had set a standard 90 day time limit for every job he would have along his expiration of Humanity in all its shapes and forms.

Lee excited the shitty excuse for an Office and navigated the row of X Rated DVDs with covers that depicted every sex act imaginable (well the legal ones anyways). He past the racks of Various Sex Toys from Dildos to Cock Rings lined the shop walls. Lastly Lee walked his way through the small assembly of Mannequins dressed in all types of Fetish Wear to the Cashier’s counter.

      

Lee looked at his watch to check the time which was 9:30 am on a Wednesday. Lee took his post on the rickety Bar Stool behind the Counter, Cracked open a Adrenaline Energy Drink, and sat back since business wan’t going to pick up for another several hours at least.

Stay Tuned for Tomorrow’s Next Installment of  LEE JONIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (2/365)

Thanks for Reading,

 Les Sober

1/365

All through out My Life I’ve heard various People parrot the cliche “A Writer Writes” which is a pompous way of saying Never Stop Writing. I mean it sounds like something that a pretentious asshole like James Lipton would fucking regurgitate in an attempt to look Intellectual.

Also I never fails to astonish Me that People can’t seem to wrap Their fucking heads around the Fact that it doesn’t matter how fucking creative someone is CREATIVITY CAN NOT BE TURNED ON AND OFF at will like a fucking Light Switch for fucks sake. No to mention the ominous and every present Writer’s Block lingering over every writers shoulder just waiting to strike.

I know it’s called Writer’s Block but thats kind of bullshit. Writer’s Block is like being asked a question You damn well know You know the answer too, BUT Your mind goes completely Blank. Writer’s Block only gets worse like fucking Quicksand. Once You fall in the Harder You try to think/create Your way out of a Battle with Writer’s Block the more amnesia like it leaves You feeling.

Thats wasn’t My point though. My point is that this temporary creative paralysis can happen to EVERY TYPE OF ARTIST in the World NOT just Writers, but Painters, Sculptors, Graphic Designers, etc. Unfortunately They don’t make a Medication for Creative Impotence.

Fast forward to a few Days ago. I was driving around completing a list of Lives more mundane tasks (such as buying fucking Dog Food) and found Myself pondering the Principle behind the saying “Writers Write”. I started playing with My perception of the subject at that current time to see if I could get a better understanding. Then it suddenly occurred to Me perhaps that it wasn’t an Egotistical Statement but rather a Piece of Advice.

What if I simply took the saying Writers Write at Face fucking Value, and didn’t try to read shit into it (something have NO GREATER MEANING They are what They are and thats all They are) to find a deeper meaning or intellectually analyze it to the umpteenth degree?!

    

I believe as of now that the Point of this particular saying is You don’t have to Write a fucking Novel, or fucking Shakespearian Sonnet or a Super BlockBuster Screen Play on a Daily basis just because You’re a Writer. Basically don’t Pressure Yourself as Pressure Crushes Creativity.

Thats why I could never write for a Magazine or Newspaper (online or otherwise) because the Dead Lines would inevitably destroy the quality of My work, and more than likely My Health and Remaining Sanity as well.

Getting back to the Point that You don’t have to be Shackled to Premeditated Creative Ideas/Concepts (Large or Longterm Writing Projects) A Writer can just Write for the shear sake of Writing and the Enjoyment of doing so.

   

It also helps fight Procrastination since the number one cause of Creative Procrastination is Not having a /any Creative Subject Matter to work with. If You don’t have proper tools it makes Building something  not Impossible Yet it DOES make it Insanely fucking Harder as well as MUCH MORE Time/Soul Crushing for the Artist/Writer (I thinks its fucking Stupid that People “And Or” Writers and Artists. Writers are Artists and Artists can Tell Stories Through The Visual Art Mediums. They’re the SAME.)

I found this New view of the cliche saying “A Writer Writs” to no longer being a constrictive load of crap, and now found it quite Freeing. The idea of Writing again without the bullshit Drama like Deadlines, Writers Block, Assorted Outside Pressures, Continuing Creative Concerns, and all the other annoying/troubling  Hullababullshit.

   

So here’s the Deal I will be writing a Complete Story 1 Page a Day for the following Year. I have NO IDEA what it will be about or how it may or may not Evolve over the Span of a Year BUT, that’s the fucking Point isn’t it.  I’m just going to sit down, and start writing with NO FORETHOUGHT WHATSOEVER . The Literary equivalent to Throwing Paint at a Blank Canvas with Your Eyes Shut.

I will Start this Little Acid Test Tomorrow Wednesday March 27th 2019 as it is 2:23am as I’m writing this.

Thanks for Reading,

  Les Sober

Eleanor Rigby One of The Lonely People

I’ll be honest I never understood the appeal of The Beatles and most likely never will. More than likely its just a Generational Difference I would imagine.

Now DO NOT GET ME WRONG though I do not understand nor like The Beatles DOES NOT NIGATE the fact that to Their credit The Beatles were Extremely Talented Musicians who’s Music made them Rich and Internationally Famous. Not only that but Their Music and Musical Accomplishments still hold significant relevance to this very Day.

There is in fact ONLY ONE SINGULAR Beatles song that I do like (well sort of, I’ll explain that later in the post) and that would be Their song “Eleanor Rigby”, and as for the rest of Their Catalog I couldn’t possibly care less.

   

The funny thing is way, way back in the Day I took an intensive 8 week English Literature Class when I was Temporarily a Collage Student. On the first day of the Class the Professor handed out the Lyrics for The Beatles’s song “Eleanor Rigby”, asked Us to simply Read it, and then write Our Thoughts/Impressions Down.

I found it a rather interesting Exorcise. YES this an exact Recreation of that exact Exorcise. And NO it’s not Identical since I lost the Original Paper long, long ago.

Several Months after the Class ended I was fucking around checking out Bands I’d never heard of in an attempt to find the last real Musicians (that is if They even still exist).

   

I noticed one of the New Bands on My Musical Radar had Recorded a Cover of “Eleanor Rigby” so I figured I’d listen to it since I had never ACTUALLY heard the Song. I hit play, listened to the entire song, and rather liked it.

Weeks or possibly Months after listening to the Cover thought it would make sense to listen to The ORIGINAL Beatles Version of “Eleanor Rigby” which I promptly did. After I listen to the entire song thought it was quite amusing that while I disliked the Original I enjoyed the Cover of It.

   

I have found out through the Years that there a PLENTY of additional songs that I despise , BUT for some unknown reason (at least to Me) I really get a kick out of Certain COVERS of said song. It’s sort of a Thing I’ve come to understand since meeting and talking to People who have the same similar affinity for the Covers over the Original songs.  Anyways I digress.

“Eleanor Rigby”  By The Beatles

Ah, look at all the lonely people
Ah, look at all the lonely peopleEleanor Rigby picks up the rice in the church where a wedding has been
Lives in a dream
Waits at the window, wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door
Who is it for?
     
Eleanor picking up the Rice after a Wedding is symbolic of Her chronic Loneliness. Weddings are one of if Not the most Happiest Events of a Person’s Life (Possibly only second to the Birth of a Child. At least that’s what the fuck People with Kids Claim as Those without Kids may feel completely different about it.), Yet Eleanor isn’t a Wedding Guest or Member of The Wedding Party. Eleanor seems to pick up the Rice while Day Dreaming about what it must be like to be that Loved.
The Listener then learns that Eleanor is so lonely that she literally waits chronically looking out the Window for any Visitor at all as Eleanor doesn’t have Friends, Family or even Acquaintances who would stop by say Hello and see how She is.
The “Face in a Jar” is a rather dated social reference as its a play on the saying “I have to put My face on…” which is a rather Old School phrase that Women used to express/indicate She isn’t wearing Makeup thus She is Unprepared for Company.
Lastly Eleanor’s loneliness is confirmed with the question “Who is it For?” as though Eleanor remains poised and ready for Company there isn’t Anyone coming to pay Her a visit.
All the lonely people

Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong?

Here the Song Writer is making an inquiry through question. Either They are curious as too Who are all these so called “Lonely People” They have/are Observing. It also could be more of a depressing lament questioning more over as to Why are there “Lonely People” period.

Father McKenzie writing the words of a sermon that no one will hear
No one comes near
Look at him working, darning his socks in the night when there’s nobody there
What does he care?

Father McKenzi apparently a lone Priest in a Parish without Petitioners, and what is a Church without a congregation? And if the Church remains vacant why would Father McKenzi bother putting in the Time and Effort  writing an entire presumably Sunday Sermon if there’s No One to Hear it as apparently “No One Comes Near”?

It’s the same reason Father McKenzi would take the time to sew the holes in his socks when he is the only Person in the Church. He’s lonely and needs to fill his day with things outside of  the Human Contact he is lacking to keep sane, and to keep from falling into a crippling depression. The Sermon(s) and Socks are both ways Father McKenzi combats the overwhelming Alienation he faces on a Daily basis.

   

This is the significant difference between Father McKenzi and Eleanor Rigby. Father McKenzi finds some solace in his daily activities be it in writing Sermons or performing routine mundane tasks at least he is being some what pro active to dealing with His loneliness. Meanwhile Eleanor opts to sit solely focusing on if Someone will or won’t being stopping by to see Her.

(I have removed The Chorus Here as I have NOTHING Else to Say that I haven’t already pertaining to “All the lonely people…”)

Eleanor Rigby died in the church and was buried along with her name
Nobody came
Father McKenzie wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave
No one was saved

     

Eleanor dies with nothing to show for her life, but her name. And just as in Life No One Comes to visit Eleanor in Death as not a single Person attended her funeral. Eleanor literally died alone.

Father McKenzi not only presided over Eleanor’s funeral, but the fact he is wiping dirt from his hands as he’s walking away from Eleanor’s grave implies Father McKenzi also Dug the Grave himself. So in the End Eleanor didn’t even have a Grave Digger to give a shit about Her or Her passing.

The irony is that Eleanor Rigby and Father McKezi lived in the same area and yet never met. That to Me is the most  tragic of all. If the Two Sad Souls had had the chance to meet they would have been the Cure for each Others Loneliness, and Improved the Quality of both Their Lives.

   

I believe that is what the song Writer is ultimately trying to convey in Eleanor who spent her Life craving Human Contact dies alone, and in the end is buried by the equally Lonely Father McKenzi.

(I cut the song Off before the Last Chorus as I stated earlier  I  NOTHING NEW to Write about it.)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Linger

Someone is watching over me.

They glance at me from over my shoulder.

I know not who or where or how they got into this position.

I’m unsure if I am in a predicament that is of a favorable nature. I do not care. The warmth shinning over my skin, from the tips of my fingers into the core of my being, is overwhelming at times yet extremely comforting at others.

        

You are right here waiting. I close my eyes and open them. The mirror is not showing me what it usually shows me. I see peace. I see comfort. I see freedom.

Lady Godiva on her horse beckons me with her chocolate. And Jack LaLane is there with his juicer, as Mr-T is telling me I should wear lots of gold. He tells me I’m Italian and I need to represent better.

Sorry Mr-T, I like the silver. Just like sorry I don’t make my own turkey sandwiches I can only deal with the ones they make fresh. And just like sorry green grapes and white grapes, I cannot consume you without a guilty conscious. I cannot be you because it rips apart the essence of me.

   

There is no food left for you in my valley. There is only an empty glass. My kitchen does not have free refills. Your currency smells of Monopoly, like a pigeon took a dump in your top hat and the rats all died on the footsteps of your temple. Bargain by the river she neatly whispers in my ear. So I slowly proceed.

There’s a knock on the door. It is you. Dampened by the rain, you wander into my home. You tiptoe through the alarm system and you reach around me oblivious to the bells and whistles I have set. Foolhardery can be your only saving grace. I wish to save you but then I disconnect. You are not starring at the frightened mouse who crawled into your cheese hole.

Cold swiss cheese morphed into a warmed brie. The vessel appearing entirely the same. Hell appearing before you is wrapped into a red ribbon. But i’m no longer wearing the garb of the devil. I’m naked spread before you. Before all.

     

No one recognizes. No one can see past the blank. The void. I am void. Everything is expired. Everything is reborn.

As I slowly grab your hand to greet it with a kiss, you pull closer. I pull back. I am taking in the scents of your cheap perfume, the soft feel of your velvet skin. It is too much. I collapse.

I go off into another world. It is easier to stay here, not that your world was so bad. The subway was broken. I didn’t want to get stuck.

But just love me until the next earthquake. Til the next scent of Hugo or Giovanni or Jean Paul or Coco blasts through my furnace of a heart.

No, that was only the one inside the mirror. I blink several times and I see the inner half of the onion.

This could have been pure bliss.

   By SpaceDog

Pennington is SO Shitty………

Just to clarify a few things. First Pennington is a real place. I will NOT disclose anymore than that when it comes to its Geographical Location. If anyone thinks it may be an accidental slip that I’m using an actual name of a Place it is Not. If anyone still thinks I might have divulged a piece of Personal Info I welcome those Readers to go Google Pennington. And Good Luck with that.

Pennington falls in the confines of Spacedog and My old stomping ground and as You can see by the title We don’t hold it in high regard. So one night around 2am SpaceDog and I started a Duel Slam Session featuring Pennington as Our subject matter.

Alright the set up is “Pennington is SO Shitty…” followed by an Insult at Pennington’s Expense. It’s Their fault really for being so Ungodly Shitty.

This Post is laid out a bit differently from the previous Text Posts. I will write the set up once at the beginning, and then use Dot Dot Dot (…) so I don’t have to write (and You won’t have to Read) “Pennington is so shitty” god knows how many fucking times.

LASTLY IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED PLEASE READ ANOTHER ONE OF OUR POSTS AND SKIP THIS ONE. You’ll be doing Us BOTH a Favor.

      

SpaceDog: Holy shit that’s small. Damn shitty ass little Pennington has like 1000 times more people.

Les: True but Pennington is Cunty.

SpaceDog: Pennington…the town so shitty that even Priests say fuck these assholes.

Les: Pennington is so shitty :FBF  (a girl both SpaceDog and I knew) wouldn’t have an abortion there…

…Trump wouldn’t grab a pussy there.

…Courtney Love wouldn’t OD there.

SpaceDog: U on a roll LOL. Pennington is so shitty the pull people over for smoking cigarettes in their vehicles. I’m braindead so u get shitty facts from me at this point LOL.

       

Les: Pennington is so shitty Yen Latch (Yet another Girl both of Us knew who is now a white trash alcoholic) wouldn’t drink there…

… Ivy Savage couldn’t handle it.  (Ivy is yes another Female SpaceDog and I have both had the distinct displeasure of knowing who fancied herself the LOCAL HARDCORE PUNK ROCK AUTHORITY)

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty Ivy Savage uses her real name there.

Les: Pennington is so shitty Steve Bannon wouldn’t host a White Nationalist Nazi Rally there.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty aunt becky wouldn’t pay bribes to get her kid into collage there.

Les: LOL You out Ivy’d me. Pennington is so shitty Sarah Sanders WOULD go there.

        

SpaceDog: Penningto n is so shitty sarah sanders would tell the truth there.

Les: Pennington is so shitty Octomom wouldn’t strip there.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty that if trump wanted to build a wall around it Mexico WOULD pay for it…

…Their official mascot is a suicide victim.

Les: Pennington is so shitty Crack Dealers won’t deal there…

… it makes Wilmington Delaware look like Las Vegas.

… the Residents only Birth Control method needed is the fact they live in Pennington.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty it makes lituspjotaholmaflogur look properly spelled.

        

Les: Pennington is so shitty Lindsey Graham wouldn’t rape a Farm Animal there.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty micheal jackson doesn’t molest boys there.

Yeah duh late…food coma which never would have happened in Pennington…mostly because people bottom out there.

Pennington is so shitty I’ve never eaten there.

Les: Pennington is so shitty Jeffery Epstein wouldn’t traffic underage Sex Slaves there…

…Crack Whores avoid it like a Police Station.

…You call the Cops there and they tell you to go get fucked.

… It’s Tucker Carlson’s Home Town.

…Fox News won’t broadcast there.

       

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty don jr is moving there.

Les:Pennington is so shitty Fred Phelps wouldn’t be buried there…

… All They Eat is Ass.

SpaceDog:Pennington is so shitty karen carpenter WOULD eat there…

…That all movies depicting suicide are required to play there.

Les: Pennington is so shitty it smells like a fucking manure fire…

…Dogs won’t piss on their Fire Hydrants .

…It’s like living in a massive Port-A-Potty 24 fucking 7.

…”Pennington is so shitty” it’s abbreviated is PISS.

        

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty they’re opening a new kmart there…

…Their idea of a breakfast buffet is a albino midget throwing egg yolks at people.

Les: Pennington is so shitty They use Diarrhea as Lube.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty the only available birth control is thoughts and prayers.

Les: Pennington is so shitty GG Allin wouldn’t play there.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty that mass shooters wind up putting the first bullet in their own heads.

Les: Pennington is so shitty Their idea of Fine Dining is GAs Station Sushi and a Bottle of Maddog 20/20.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty their surf and turf special is someone’s goldfish and a whopper junior.

          

Les: Pennington is so shitty Their idea of a Vacation is living inTheir Cars at Highway Rest Stops…

…Truckers don’t hook up with the local Lot Lizards.

…No One builds Meth Labs there.

…They’re still listening to Limp Bizkit.

… Their Little League Team is the Pennington Shitheals.

SpaceDog:Pennington is so shitty Dick Minninninninninn (a world class fuckwit We both knew) moved there for a year and left looking like this *Picture of Prolapsed Asshole Sent*…

…Their official yule log is just a giant horse shit.

Les: Well the ugly fucker deserved it the unwiped asshole. Pennington is so shitty it’s the Fruit Cake of Towns…

…Will make You chronically Constipated.

…It’s the Birth Place of IBS.

       

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty even rats won’t live there.

Les: Pennington is so shitty its mascot is a fucking Dung Beatle…

…It’s official Flag is just a Giant Asshole.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty that the only trendy resident there is inflatable…

…Its were vegans go to die.

…it will give you toxic fucking shock syndrome.

Les: Pennington is so shitty Tyler Perry shoots Medea movies there.

…Kid Rock is Their fucking Home Town Hero.

…Their Prom theme was The Solid Waste Authority.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty that steve harvey would be their least fucking annoying resident.

      

Les: Pennington is so shitty Slumber Hills (a Flea Bag Flop House for Whores and Junkies in SpaceDog and My home town) wouldn’t move there…

…They gave Howie Mandel the Key to the City.

…Dave Coulier Shows Sell Out.

…Scammers from India won’t call there.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty that when oprah shot there her book of the month was just a roll of toilet paper…

…That when bad people die they don’t go to hell they spend fucking eternity in Pennington.

Les: Pennington is so shitty all the Photos hung in Local Business like Restaurants and Laundry Mats are of the Cast of The Jersey Shore…

…Their Hospital is a CVS Minute Clinic.

…It hosts an Annual Hemorrhoid Festival.

        

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty women living there consider being called a cunt a compliment.

Les: Pennington is so shitty They still use AOL…

…It has the Highest concentration of Proctologists in the entire fucking Country.

…North Korea feels bad for it.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty their idea of a terrific fucking tv show is God Friended Me…

…Toilet Paper is considered a luxury item.

Les: Pennington is so shitty when You turn the faucet on Natty Ice Light comes out…

…STDs are afraid They’ll catch something.

        

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty it’s illegal to smoke anything except PCP…

…Bill Cosby gets consent there.

Les: Pennington is so shitty the only Cell Phone Service Provider is fucking Sprint…

…Their Baseball Team is Sponsored by The National Flakka Alliance.

…ISIS wouldn’t send a Suicide Bomber there.

…They take Bath Salts and Eat Their own Faces.

PENNINGTON IS SO SHITTY WE CAN’T TALK SHIT ABOUT IT ANYMORE.

        

Brought To You By,

 Les Sober

 SpaceDog

Malice The Band That Almost Killed US All Pt 7: The Salvation & Damnation Tour Takes Off

May 1st: Malice boarded Their Tour Bus at the ass crack of Dawn and Headed for Their first Show of The Salvation & Damnation Tour in Portland Oregon which the Band was less than Thrilled about (One must remember this was long before Portland became a Hipster’s Trendy Mecca).

During the Bus Ride Malice’s Manager Harold Slickmann announced a New Album Concept he’d been working on with Guillotine Records. The Idea was to Record each of the 30 concerts and release them as Live Albums. Then once all 30 Live Show albums from the Tour were out Malice would release a “Best Of The Salvation & Damnation Tour” Compilation Album. Lastly when Christmas rolls around Malice would release a 31 Album Salvation & Damnation Tour Box Set complete with the Compilation Album.

The Band liked this idea because it was very low maintenance. No Studios, No Producers to deal with, No Editing, No ReRecording, No Fighting Over the Songs all They had to do is what They loved Best and that was Playing Live.

   

That Night’s Show at the Portland Supreme Sports Stadium started off with a Blast. The Crowd was beyond energetic, and Malice was on Fire as They ripped through song after song from the 4 New Records worth of Material, and They planned on playing Their older shit for the Encore. It would have worked out well accept for one major incident.

During the Solo of “Your Love is Heaven or Hell (I can’t Tell)” a Obsessed Fan ran out on Stage completely naked with a rather large Pipe Bomb strapped to his dick. The Band stopped playing as each member of the Band became aware of the Naked Guy with Explosives attached to His cock. That is They all stopped playing accept for Stevenson who continued to Solo is Ass off.

Stevenson’s cavalier attitude prompted then Bassist Maxi Padd to wonder over and join Him by backing Stevenson with a Brutal Baseline. This only excited the Naked Fan as now He effectively had His own Real Time Sound Track. Security was creeping ever so slowly towards the Naked Freak, but They weren’t happy that he was naked, and less than thrilled that His crotch was set to Explode as well.

   

The Audience watched enthusiastically unaware this was not a Prank that a Band Member was playing on Another. The Naked Fan was working Himself into a absolute frenzy as He started to Jack Off with the Pipe Bomb Still Attached. This caused Security, most of the Band and several of the Front rows (1 through 3) to duck for cover since No One knew if the Naked Guy Jerking Off would trigger the Pipe Bomb to Detonate.

This went on for several more minutes than anyone would have liked before the Naked Fanatic started muttering “Malice Rocks” over and over while simultaneously saying it Louder and Louder each time He said it. Then once the Man had reached the top of His Lung Capacity He Primally Screamed “MALICE ROCKS SO HARD THEY BLEW MY BALLS OFF!” and then promptly set the Pipe Bomb off.

A Large jagged piece of the Fan’s Skull flew and landed squarely landed in Stevenson’s neck causing Him to stumble around drunkenly, yet He never stopped playing during the whole ordeal. Maxi Padd in Total Shock, and abject Horror promptly dropped Her Bass and ran over to Stevenson in a attempt to help by pulling the shard of Skull from Stevenson’s Neck which is exactly what She shouldn’t have done.

   

With the Skull Fragment removed there was nothing keeping the deep gash in Stevenson’s Neck plugged up, and once removed Stevenson became to bleed profusely. A veritable Geyser of dark crimson blood like a Fountain that one would find in perhaps Hell. Stevenson bleed to Death in less than 90 seconds again HE NEVER STOPPED PLAYING.

Upon seeing Stevenson actually drop dead Maxi Padd was so beside Herself with Grief She committed Seppuku (also know as Harakiri also spelled Hara-Kiri) disemboweling Herself on Stage. Padd’s Body fell into the Audience where the Fans scrambled rabidly to secure a piece of the Padd’s body as a sick souvenir or Morbid Memorabilia.

Padd’s body was full directed and torn to shreds within seconds to the point that in the end all they could locate of Padd was the vast amount of Blood Splatter that was sprayed all over the Front of the Stage and Front Row.

   

May 2nd: With less than 12 hours before Their scheduled Show that Night in Seattle Washington at the renowned Thrillington Theater were faced with a familiar problem. The problem being the untimely Death of Guitarist Stevie “The Shill” Stevenson as well as Their Bassist (and Izzy Sane’s Girlfriend) in a tragic Fan induced incident the Night before in Portland.

Thusly Malice (at this point being just Sane and Rock) was once again tasked with replacing Band Members in a pinch. Malice didn’t have the luxury of time currently so They couldn’t hold Auditions or go out and Scout out Local Talent. Luckily Drummer Rock Harder had an Ace up His sleeve as it were. Rock had access to a very special phone number that He had sworn to only use if He absolutely had to, and Now He had to.

A Couple of Hours Later Rock reappeared with an important announcement, He had in fact hired BOTH a New Guitarist and a New Bassist in time for the Show. Not only that but the New Guys could finish out the Tour with Malice too since there was such a strict time requirement on this Tour (1 show a Night for 30 Nights.)

   

Singer Izzy Sane was intrigued as were Malice’s Management , and Legal Representation. Rock didn’t waste another minute and informed everyone present that He had in fact managed to land Ick and Ook Oakerlund who were currently between projects and Bands to boot.

Idk and Ook Oakerlund were Brothers who hailed from Norway, and where debatably the BIGGEST Black Metal Icons of the Time. The Oakerlund Brother’s had been in Some of the Most Popular and Controversial Black Metal Bands such as Skinned Alive, Diseased Cadaver, Jugulator,  Raping Christ, Sodomy, Nay Sayer, Rotting Entrails, and Festering Sores to name a few.

The Brother’s were also Known for virtually never speaking more than 3-5 words between them, and seemed to communicate with each other Telepathically (and NO They weren’t Twins if Your wondering). They also reportedly NEVER removed Their Corpse Paint even when showering where the used Tin Foil to wrap Their heads entirely while using drinking straws to breath. This way Their Corpse Paint remained in tact.

The Oakerlund Brothers met up with Malice at Thrillington Theater since They spent a majority of the Day flying in from Their Music Studio in Their adopted Homeland of Iceland. The Show went well but with the Dying and Hiring of Malice Band Members the Crowd was confused when Malice’s  Newest line up hit the Stage.

The Show was a success non the less though something was off with Izzy Sane who moped about the stage like a Heartbroken High School Freshman. This irritated Rock to no end as He thought it was highly disrespectful to the Fans in attendance. The Oakerlund Brothers seemed utterly oblivious as Ick and Ook played that Nights Set List flawlessly.

After the Show Sane was confronted by Rock who demanded to know what the fuck was going on. Sane told Rock He was still in Shock over the sudden and gruesome demise of His Girlfriend Maxi Padd the Night before. Rock told Him if Sane couldn’t handle it He should just do everyone a favor and quit since it was’t fair to the Fans if Sane couldn’t or wouldn’t be able to give 110%.

 

So thats exactly what Izzy did.  He quit Malice on the Spot and headed off for a Life studying the Mating Habit s of African Dung Beatle. Who asked why Izzy chose Dung Beatles He said it was due to the fact that He”Felt like total Shit”

May 3rd: Malice’s next Show was scheduled for The Arctic Polar Bear Club in Anchorage Alaska. The Oakland Brothers were excited because the stark and cold wilderness of Alaska reminded Them of Their Scandinavian Stomping Ground. Though both Brothers were bummed by the fact Alaska was so close to Canada that it had previously been part of it, and The Oakerlund’s despised Canadians for being so Happy, Welcoming, Friendly, Open, and Helpful as all these things were not at all BLACK METAL.

Before the Show The Oakerlunds got rip roaring drunk on Finish Moonshine, found a veritable recluse who had a Grizzly Bear as a Pet, went to see Him at his residence, and Wrestled the Grizzly. The Grizzly tapped out twice as each Brother ended Their Bear Wrestling Bout with a wicked Submission Hold (Ick using the Viking Vice, and Ook chose The Bloody Eagle).

   

Pumped up from Their Grisly ass kicking Adventure headed back to the Hotel to rendezvous with the Rock who had been searching for a New Singer for the Show along with Malice Manager Harold Slickmann. They pair had decided on a Local named Murphy “Thunderbolt” Gibbons who was fronting a Local Band called Inuit’s Revenge and made Him an offer. As it were  Gibbons huge Malice Fan and new all Their songs by Heart and was happy to Join.

Admittedly the addition of Gibbons helped ease the Local Fans at that Night’s performance transition into the New Line Up. 3/4ths of the Malice had been Killed (Maxi Padd and Stevie “The Shill” Stevenson) or Quit (singer Izzy Sane), and then Replaced all in the first 3 days of the current Tour.

May 4th: Considering the past few Days events Malice’s Manager called Guillotine Records to broker a deal that would allow Malice to take 3 Days off From the Road to Readjust and Regroup. With all the intense and abrupt chaos Guillotine was ready to Bargain.

   

The Deal that Guillotine and Slickmann was They would use Look-A-Likes for the Next 3 Shows ( 4 including that Nights Show) IF Malice consided to Recording the 4 Nights Shows worth of Material for the Albums in Lou of Their time off from the Tour. Slickmann reviewed the Deal to Malice over Brunch (which the Band referred to as Breakfast since none of Them woke up before 10:30 am on average)

Malice was thrilled to hear about the arrangement and all agreed that They would spend the entire Day recording so They could then have the next 72 hours strait to Themselves. Malice asked the Hotel’s concierge where the most promenade recording studio was located since no one was Familiar with Anchorage. The Concierge told Malice that Arctic Circle Studios was considered to be the Best recording studio in Anchorage.

Malice called over to Arctic Circle and booked the whole a Day’s worth of Recording time. After 23 hours and 47 minutes after entering the Studio Malice walked out triumphant having recorded all 4 Albums worth of material in a Extreme Non Stop Recording Marathon.

   

Malice spent the next 3 Days drinking at all the Local Bars, Elk Hunting, Learning about Inuit Culture, Facing Canada Intoxicatedly and screaming insults, and participating in Team Building Exercises.

May 8th: That Nights Show at the Sensational Stadium in Pierre South Dakota was a mega success by anyones standards. The three days the Band spent getting acquainted paid off in dividends.

The only issue facing that Nights performance was the presence of Mormon Protesters who were there to condemn Malice’s music as “Satan’s Soundtrack.

Upon arrival The Ockerlund Brother’s clashed instantly with the Protesters as They (as many Black Metal Musicians) despised and detested Christianity in all its forms. The Ockerlund Brothers taunted the Protesters by holding up Inverted Crosses, Drenching Bibles in Goat Blood, and hurling insults in Their native Norwegian. Finally the Ockerlund’s were escorted backstage to separate the two feuding factions, and end the confrontation as peacefully as possible.

   

As the Show raged on through the Night with Malice playing so intently passionate Rock repeatedly broke His Drum Sticks as The Ockerlund Brothers snapped string after string on Their Guitars. Murphy was so amped He ditched the Microphone in favor of SCREAMING the lyrics as loud as humanly possible. Malice ended Their set with Their huge hit “The Oral Moral” as the crowd surged excitedly singing along.

Malice ended up doing 17 encores that Night. During the Final Song Malice Played was “Frisky Kitty” which literally had the Crowd jumping up and down as the Fans became more and more enthusiastic.

What no one could have anticipated was that there was in fact a HUMUNGOUS Sinkhole sitting just a few feet below the Stadium Parking Lot. And No One would have ever know about the Sinkhole if it was for the unfortunate exuberance of the Fans in attendance.

   

The Fans ruckusness shook the ground mimicking a Small Earthquake which caused the shallow ground above the Abyss of a Sinkhole to collapse suddenly and quite unexpectedly. As a result of the Sinkhole Cave In the entire group of 117 Mormon Protesters fell into the cavernous Sinkhole to NEVER been seen again.

Ick couldn’t help himself, and made the comment that The Protesters had discovered an Express Route to Hell.

May 9th: Malice’s Tour Bus rolled into the parking lot The Excelsior Hotel in Saint Paul Minnesota just in time for the Hotel’s Complimentary Happy Time Cocktail Hour. During the Complimentary Cocktail Hour the Members of Malice consumed $1,157 worth of Tequila Shots, $2.289 worth of Vodka, $3,345 worth of Finest Whiskeys, $46,471 worth of Beer, and $593 worth of Gin.

When the Complimentary Happy Hour ended promptly at 6 pm on the dot Malice retired to Their Rooms and dark the Mini Bars dry. The Band then utilized Room Service to run up an Additional $128,992 on Their Tab. By the time Malice’s Tour Bus pulled up to take Them to the Show Each Member of the Band was 14 times the Legal Limit.

   

The Show was cut short only 6 songs in by The Minnesota State Police who had been tipped off that The Ockerlund Brothers had planned to Decapitate a Cow with a Customized Bovine Guillotine. The Police detained and hauled the Brothers off to the Police Station for Questioning.

By the end of the Questioning The Ockerlund Brother’s were cut free without being charged with a crime since the Cow wasn’t on the premises (the Cattle Rancher’s Cattle Trailer Hitch broke) the Giant Cow Sized Guillotine was classified as a Stage Prop.

Malice spent the rest of Their Night in Minnesota consuming Dairy Products until They all became Lactose Intolerant.

May 10th: Malice was summoned to Their Manager Harold Slickmann’s Suite for an impromptu Band Meeting. Slickmann had received a call from Malice’s Record Label Guillotine Records earlier that morning.

   

The Label’s Representative a Man by the Name of Gerold Spindle had phoned Slickmann FURIOUS after the Label received a Copy of the previous Nights Police Report. The fact The Ockerlund Brother’s had planned on using a Guillotine of all fucking things in Their Illegal Cattle Decapitation that there would be a highly Negative Association between the Band and Guillotine Records.

Thus Guillotine was Terminating any and all contracts with the Band effective immediately. The Label cited several breaches of Contract and again stated that the Label wanted NOTHING to do with an impending Scandal or Association with Malice. Guillotine ended the conversation by reminding Slickmann that They could but wouldn’t be pressing charges of Their own.

Slickmann was a man who fully believed in being prepared with not just 1 back up Plan but Numerous Ones to cover more or all of the Bases. Since Malice had had issue with Their previous Label Razorback Records Slickmann had devised a plan incase future conflicts arose involving Malice and Their Record Label.

   

Slickmann had already been shopping around for Other Alternate Offers from competing Record Labels, and had a replacement already in place. Slickmann had brokered a Deal with Rabid Records that if for any reason Malice wanted or needed a New Record Label that Rabid Records would have the first shot. And Rabid took the Shot and sure as Hell didn’t miss.

Rabid had the financing to keep the Scheduled Tour on the Road, Produce the 30 Live Concert Albums from the Tour, and They said it didn’t matter that Malice only played a total of 6 songs last night as They would still release the 6 song set as an EP in limited number (to drive up the Price and Profits.)

Malice signed on the dotted line and prepared for that Nights Show. The concert went smoothly and without a single issue or incident which was a well welcomed change. Malice took the Stage at 8 pm and Walked off stage for the last time that night at 4am the following morning. They’re Decathlon of a Concert SHATTERED the current American Record for Longest Live Show ( of 4 hours set by Bruce Springsteen) by DOUBLE.

   

May 11th: Malice spent the Day before Their concert at Stephen King Stadium in Augusta Maine Lobster Fishing, Clamming, Hunting/Trapping, and Binge Drinking. While in the Forrest Ook found a patch of Hallucinatory Mushrooms and picked them for later that Night.

Before the Show Malice was lounging around Their dressing room when Ook brought out the fat sack of Shrooms, and divided them amongst the Band who happily gobbled them down vigorously. By the time Malice took the stage They were tripping Their collective asses off not to mention teetering on the brink of Alcohol Poisoning.

The Ockerlund Brothers were so fucked up that They started playing songs from Bastardized which happened to be one of Their former Bands. Murphy was lit as well, but He was a Big Time Bastardized Fan and knew all the words to Their songs so He started singing along. Meanwhile Rock had no choice but to hang in and learn the songs on the spot in a true trial by fire.

   

As for the Fans they too were insanely intoxicated and didn’t seem to mind that they were at a Malice concert, Yet the Band was playing only Bastardized Covers.

Now while the Band and Audience thoroughly enjoyed Themselves Slickmann was worried about the reaction from Malice’s band new record Label Rabid Records would be once They found out that there was a concert but the song content wasn’t actually Malice’s.

It didn’t take long for Slickmann to get His answer. Slickmann was called to the White Courtesy Phone where a gentlemen calling Himself Boozy informed Slickmann Rabid had in fact become aware of the situation at hand, and had no problem with it. Rabid said they would simply market the Album as some sort of Themed Concert or some shit.

Slickmann was so relieved He ate a handful of Shrooms to Relax along with doing a Bottle of Scotch.

May 12th: Malice headed to Albany in New York State for Their show that Night at the Albany Amphitheater. The Show was going to be a bit different as Malice had been booked to play a Private Corporate Event for The National Nudists Network of North America’s Annual All Nude Fetish Festival.

Malice mulled around Their Hotel pissed They were in New York State and Not New York City until They took the stage at 7:30 that Evening. Unbeknownst to the Band or the Festival Promoter a wayward Hippy Through back named Dr. Ecstasy had been tail gaiting all day in the parking lot. While tail gating Dr. Ecstasy had spent His time using an Old T-shirt Cannon He had purchased some time ago to Launch Loads of Capsules (filled with Pharmaceutical Grade MDMA) into the large Crowd dispersing them throughout the entire evening’s Audience.

   

This made for a very Zen show that was until Malice played Their number One Power Ballad “You Stole My Heart”. The Audience was so overwhelmed by the tune a spontaneous Orgy erupted and spread through the Audience like a Sex Fueled Wild Fire. Before anyone knew it the Concert had transformed into LITERALLY the World Record Orgy with 1,500 furiously fucking Fans.

The Police had actually shown up an Hour before the end of the Show but had failed to shut it down prematurely. The Police had been held up slipping and sliding in Bodily Fluids to effectively do Their job. Luckily the Band left the stage, stripped naked Themselves and simple walked out of the Amphitheater without accruing any Criminal Charges.

May 13th: Malice arrived in Orlando Florida for that Night’s Show at The Forever Disney Theater located in the Disney World Theme Park. Malice was quite confused as Disney wasn’t exactly target audience, and the Ockerlund Brothers were enraged by all the Cartoon Cuteness calling Disney a Dismal Display of Deplorable People.

   

To add to the Confusion the Concert was scheduled to start at 4:30pm that Afternoon which was half an hour before Happy Hour which further angered The Band. The Band showed up at the Venue at 3:45pm for Sound Check. The Theater while sufficient is size was painted in vibrant Pastel colors and was heavily plastered with Disney Icon’s from a variety of Their Movies.

Needless to say The Ockerlund Brothers almost stormed off in protest refusing to play the Show, but were talked down by Slickmann who offered a Night of Boozing, Drugging, and Hookers if The Brothers would play the show.

Malice walked out on Stage at 4:30pm as planned to a dead quiet Theater. All the Seat were filled, but all the Fans were sitting in absolute silence. Malice was rather creeped out by the unyielding silence. Slickmann who was just as confused as the Band signaled Murphy to start the Show while he looked into what exactly was going on. Murphy struck up the band on Slickmann’s cue and launched into a lively version of “Luck of The Ladies”, and still the audience sat motionless and mute as a motherfucker.

   

Slickmann tracked down the Disney Rep in charge of scheduling and demanded to know what the fuck was going on. Slickmann wanted to know if this was some kind of joke like fucking Candid Camera (the OG Punk’d) or was this some asshole fucking with Malice because They didn’t like them or WHAT?!!

The Disney Rep named Kingsley explained to a baffled Slickmann that the concert was being put on as a Charity Event for the Silent Night which was an organization that worked with the Deaf. Slickmann more twisted than ever asked if this was in fact a concert FOR the Deaf to which Kingsley replied in a word Yes.

Slickmann was on the verge of a massive coronary when he exasperatedly inquired to why in the name of all things Metal would some one put on a Charity Concert at Disney World for Deaf People. It looked like a monumental dick move. Kingsley replied that the Charity believed that Deaf People shouldn’t be treated any differently than anyone else, and this concert was more of a Testimony to Their Motto than an actual viable Concert.

   

Regardless Malice finished the show, and though there was no indication from the audience went on to play 4 encores. Once Malice found out what was going on They too were confused as fuck, but still very glad They had played anyway.

May 14th: Malice found Themselves in Wilmington Delaware scheduled to play a show at Delaware River Fair Grounds. When Malice arrived They were met by a Gang of Neo Nazi Skinheads who had showed up to start shit. Apparently the Nazi Numbshits thought Malice’s music was Lame as Fuck, and The Band Members were Hollywood Pussies.

Regardless of the unwanted Nazi Nutsacks Malice managed to circumvent the Gang of Racist Assholes, and mad it back stage without a problem. Once Malice took the stage though the Nazi Scumbags rushed the stage in an attempt to beat up the Band.

   

Malice was ready and broke into an extended Speed Metal Version of The Dead Kennedy’s “Nazi Punks Fuck Off” which whipped the Crowd into a Anti-Nazi Rally as The Fans proceeded to beat the Holy Hell out of every last one of the Skindhead shitfuckers into a Free ride in an Ambulance.

Malice again wasn’t charged with any Crime or Criminal Behavior because the Neo Nazi Nitwits were obviously the unwanted aggressors, and Malice hadn’t actually physically in gauged the Nazi Numbskulls. That and fending off an attack by racist asshats with a Song amused the Cops to No End, and used it to antagonize Their Swastika Loving Prisoners.

May 15th: Malice spent the Day on the Road traveling to that night’s show at    The Tough Luck Club in downtown Austin Texas. When Malice arrived They skipped Hotel checkin and drove directly to the Club.

When Malice pulled up to the Club they were immediately unhappy with the Venues size. Malice felt that since Austin was a Major City that playing a show at a Smaller Club that only held 500 People was a fucking unjust and insulting.

   

Slickmann maned the phones scrambling to see if the Bands Label Rabid Records could possibly find a more fitting venue for Malice to play that Evening, but Rabid said they had been unaware of the insufficient booking. And since Rabid had only found this error out just a few hours before the show was scheduled to start there was nothing They could do. They did take the opportunity to shit talk Guillotine Records since they technically were responsible for the shitty booking.

Malice wasn’t having any of it and decided amongst Themselves on what to do about the crap situation They had on Their hands. Malice had talked the Head Sound Technician for that Night’s show, and found out there was in fact a Super Sized Music Festival put on by 104.4 Rock’n Roll Radio currently going on the Outskirts of Austin. In fact tonight was the Last Night of the 4 Day Festival, and thus would have the Largest Crowd of the event.

Malice promptly boarded Their Tour bus and drove over to the 104.4 Rock’n Roll Radio Festival leaving Slickmann behind by accident. Malice arrived and killed time before the Main Stage Festival Closer Spot was coming up Next by Smoking Crack and doing Tequila Shooters in the Port-A-Potties.

   

Once the Second to last Act (some band called The Local Yokels) were finishing up Malice made Their way to the Front Row shoving anyone who got in Their way to the ground. The Festival Closing  Act was an up and coming band on the verge of success called The Urban Outlaws. Once The Urban Outlaws strode out to start Their set Malice jumped the Security Barrier and directly up on stage.

The Members of Malice took The Outlaws instruments out of Their hands and motioned The Band Members off stage. Malice then announced to the awaiting audience that Malice had come to Invade the Festival, and take the Main Stage Hostage. Malice electrified the Crowd who thought it was a VERY METAL thing to do just showing up and commandeering the Stage like Malice had. And being a State that idolized Outlaw Culture the Audience gave Their full approval.

That Night’s show was the Highlight of the Salvation & Damnation Tour thus far as Malice Played into the Night only stopping when They eventually collapsed from exhaustion.

   

WELL KIDDIES Thats all for Now, STAY TUNED for………

Malice The Band That Almost Killed Us All PART 8!

   

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober