f-your blog

Its Called Karma You Kreaton

I was down in The Great Southern Swamp for some hellish holiday shit when something rather odd happened.

My Wife and I were driving back to our temporary base camp when I saw a something peculiar out of the corner of my eye. I asked my Wife to hold up ,and turn into the small empty parking lot of some small business. I had her drive down to the far end and park. I got out and peered around the corner to see exactly what the fuck I saw because it look bizarrely different.

What I saw was an average run of the fucking mill garbage can (the one with a flip lid and rear wheels), BUT what was cool was someone had tagged the garbage can with yellow spray paint. The Artist had written the message “NCAH Will Bite You” on all 4 sides of the garbage can no less, and then topped it all off with a caveman like hieroglyph of what appeared to be some sort of cat looking animal. I decided it was odd enough I was going to take a few pictures to document the weirdness when I hear my Wife say “He’s just taking a picture.”

I stood up as I had squatted down for a better shot to see sizable Veterinary Technician lording over me. The big bald bastard must have been about 6’3″ or so 200 some odd pounds and was standing in front of me bowing his chest out. He had his arms hanging at his sides all tensed up like he was about to lunge at me, and all that macho male posturing primal bullshit. On top of it all the big son of a bitch was staring me down hardcore glaring at me like I told him to go fuck his mom.

I couldn’t figure out why the hell my taking a picture of a fucking garbage had illicit such a aggressive reaction. Second I thought fuck him in his big bald bitch ass the big bald bastard. So I stood up and simple explained the obvious that I saw the garbage can, thought it was rather bad ass, and wanted to take picture. This Big Bastard stood there not saying a fucking thing just glaring at me like I’m the asshole.

So I attempted to chat with the Big Bald Bitch because at this point I had no fucking idea what the hell was going on with this fucking whack job. He just kept up the silent tough guy like a hollywood action movie cliche. Finally the Bald fuck says “Its (the small business was) a Veterinary Clinic.”, and then went stone cold silent again like a shitty statue. I asked who NCAH meant to see if it was a place, organization, or business perhaps at which point the Big Bitch informs me it stands for NORTH CAL ANIMAL HOSPITAL in a cocksucking condescending tone of voice before going back to scowling at me.

Well I knew at this point there wasn’t fuck all I could do to reason with this Big Bald Bastard so it was time for me to get the hell home. I was half way back to the car when I turned around (still walking mind you) and said something like “I don’t see why your such an asshole… I just wanted a picture because its a cool picture I didn’t tag it you miserable fuck…You didn’t need to be a dick but you did you fucking asshole…fuck you, fuck off with that bullshit…Fucker…”

I get in the car as my Wife is telling the Big Bald Bitch that we’re leaving, when the Big Son of a Bitch say quite loudly “Why did it have to be that way??!” His question boggled my mind as I tried to figure out how big of a motherfucking ignorant idiot he really was. I couldn’t help myself and I yelled back “YOU DECIDED TO BE A FUCKING DICK, AND I DIDN’T TAKE YOUR MACHO BULLSHIT THATS WHY ASSHOLE.”

I can’t believe their actually People that are apparently like this gentlemen are simply too fucking stupid to live, how have they lasted this long honestly??!!

Thanks for the READ,

Les Sober

The Unraveling of a Small Town Arson

Even in a tiny rural town shit happens just not nearly as frequently as in more populated areas at least. Last night though a lot of shit was happening in the wee hours of the morning.

The original details as discovered and spread by the Locals:

At 4:oo am a fire of undetermined origin had broken out a utterly destroyed all three store fronts where the fire occurred. It sucks because this is a egonomivcaluy depressed area and these 3 stores where in the small handful of local businesses that have avoided bankruptcy. There was a secondary reason the fire sucked was the owners of the 3 stores had insanely awesome antiques such as an original Model T car and 1900’s all oak Soda Bar that also were destroyed in the fire.

Now this is where small town life gets even smaller. Right after the fire and I mean the very next day as soon as the sun came up. The town split into 3 schools of thought.

School 1 Thought it was just a run of the mill accident due to old buildings with sub par electrical wires and shit.

School 2 Thought it was Arson caused by Vandals or some mentally ill drifter sort of person/persons.

School 3 Thought it wasn’t a random act of Arson, but a very specific target indicating a Family Feud that got well out of hand, and some one involved went rage crazy and was all ‘I’M GONNA BURN YOUR BUSINESS DOWN YOU BASTARDS!” Seriously feuds and grudges go far down here. An Example being There are 3 families who all own section of property. 30 plus years of futile arguing and disagreements (as well as a shit ton of underhanded and actually illegal shit going on) has lay way to intense resentments. The current generations involved in this land deal are still holding onto the grudges of the past generations.

Well why the Towns people speculated on the Local Police and Fire Chief had figured out what happened, who did it, and promptly arrested them. See there was a 4th School of Thought that no one attended, and that was Theft.

What Really Happened the the Night of the Arson. A local podunk officer was slowly cruising down Main Street at 4 am when a “an old and very beat up Chevy” came speeding out of the ally by the 3 stores that were burned. The speeding car almost t-bones the cop car, but luckily a collision was avoided that time.

People down here have a tendency when confronted by the Police to try and out run them. This case was absolutely no different. Immediately after almost causing a serious car wreck the Old, Beat Up Chevy takes off like his ass is on fire. A Police chase issues inevitably leading to the suspect driving too fast on windy ass roads until he drives off the road into a tree/drainage.

Again thats exactly what happened next in the story. The Driver survived the initial collision at least long enough to narc out his partners in crime. When inspecting the wreck the Police found the obvious reason for the Arson to cover a Robbery. The Chevy was crammed full of $1,000’s of dollars worth of merchandise from all 3 stores, and at that point they drew their conclusion. The Robbery wasn’t a personal matter nor Arson for Arson’s sake, but it was in an attempt to try and destroy all the physical evidence from the Robbery itself.

No one is sure if the Driver is alive, but his two crew members have been arrested and charged with Breaking an Entering, Arson, Resisting a Police Officer, Fleeing the scene of a crime, Grand Theft of over $1,000, and perhaps more but I don’t know currently so I for one WON’T Speculate.

Thanks For The Read Reader,

Les Sober

Puddles, Insomnia, Ghosts

(All my blogs from now will have a song attached that tries to go with the blog ranging from quite well to quite well but only after 10 mixed drinks. link is below my ramblings.)

I had great big plans for today. A wonderful schedule written on the whiteboard. A premade breakfast in its properly place. And then you showed up. It happened when I least expected it. It always does.

Your face showed up on my ceiling. In between the tears that tasted so salty on my lips, I caught your glimpse. I briefly smelled your scent, heard you tapping at my window. Then it was all gone, just as soon as it began.

My puddle diver. I cannot believe it has been over five years since you went away. It seems like it were just yesterday. That I could see your smiling face. Hear your carefree.

Sure, I have to dig a little deeper ago then five years, because five years ago you had lost your shine. Well not the shine, I could never see you not bathed in some kind of wonderful light. Time had taken away your smile. Time had dulled a certain part of what made you so wonderful to me. It was subtle at times but probably was much deeper. All I could see at times was my ignorance in a reflection.

I know you are still here even as I write these lines. I’m for some reason listening to Ani DiFranco. She was always more your lesbian side. Mine was this ridiculous interest in sports, but not like playing them because I didn’t want to mess up my great skin.

We were once young and well in comparison to you I guess I am the younger one now. Any age is a much more desired one then the agelessness being a corpse provides. Ageless beauty is some myth an undertaker decided to vomit onto the general population one too many moons ago.

I still remember painting with you. I had camped out at your house for an entire week, not some stormy weekend that eventually became our trademark (and demise.) You painted me a shirt. It was the silliest thing ever yet I cherished it so much. I even wore it in public a few times. I was so proud to wear your colors.

Then I threw all the colors out the window. We all did. It was my own personal prequel to 13 Reasons Why. I was such a horrible person that I’m sure I would have made the list more then once. So afraid to help because I was still so afraid of how I felt about you. I was always completely petrified. Even though you are gone, I’m still lost because of you.

Yet here I am now. I’ve been waiting 5 years to write this. As if I am somehow immortal. Some alien form that is going to outlast the cockroaches. Sadly, this shan’t be the case. I simply want redemption. While I cannot have this with you, it is something I deeply need for myself.

I cannot sit my the window any longer watching life pass me by. Instead, I will run. Flat on my face. I will fall. A lot. It is no longer my time to just stare out at the rain. Because I am the storm. And you forever are my Puddle Diver.

Try Scamming Me & I’ll Royally Fuck Up Your Day PT. 2: Counterstrike

I left off explaining in the last post that some Absurd Asshole(s) had contacted via text about trouble processing my Health Insurance Payment that was a BLATANT SCAM. In stead of flipping out and going batshit crazy with rage/revenge I would try a different plan. Here is what I did.

I did some Bong Rips and began to think about a plan. Now not only did I want to piss the Scam Artist off as much as they had me I also wanted it to be fun to do. I ended up coming around full circle by selecting Text Messaging as my form of communication versus Cell Phone Call. If I had chose to call the number included in the Text I know what the fuck would have happened.

I would have simply lost my shit and started cursing out the guy on the other end of the phone. The swearing then would be followed by a slew of insults and then violent threats of bodily harm. I seem to have inherited my Father’s intense source of Anger. My motto in situations like this is if you try and fuck with me or fuck me over I will return the favor 100 fold, BUT I digress.

Then I concocted a phony Movie Company Called Von Dire Films. Now Von Dire I thought should be a scummy, underground, indie, sleazy, offensive, and troubling films with titles like “Corpse Farm: A Return to Flesh” or some weird shit like that. I then came to the conclusion that Von Dire Films was a Self Promotional Merchandise Super Sluts who TEX BOMB the Hell out of random people hoping to secure some new fans/customers.

Here are some examples of the Von Dire Film Solicitation Texts:

Text 1.

You have reached Von Dire Movie Production Company. Unfortunately We are having budgetary issues while shooting our new Movie in Borneo called “Skull Fucking Your Bloody Skull”. We will be out of the Country for Filming for the next 8 weeks. Please leave any and all contact information pertaining to the specified project at Our Dark Web Website VonDiresFuckedUpFilm.Org

So to Our Fans We say “Fuck Off We’re Filming” & “Adios Assholes” so Thank You for Your interest in Von Dire International Snuff Film Productions LLC.

Text 2.

Von Dire Banned Films That with Mindfuck you like a Lobotomy!!!

WWW.VDBF.ORG

SUPER SICK SALE ALL WEEK LONG!!!!!!!!

Text 3.

Von Dire Film “Cannibalistic Coitus” Nominated for the Underground Picture of the Year at Cannes!!! Now Only $29.99!!!

See Our Website on the Dark Web for further details!!!

STAY SICK CITIZENS!!!!!!

TEXT 4.

VON DIRE IS BACK! in the Celluloid Slaughter Business with his new demented movie “Meat Hook Justice” Coming to American Theaters Feb. 14th 2018! ADVANCE TICKETS Sales Available Through Our Dark Web Website. SO SIGN IN, SHOP, AND STAY SICK!

Text 5.

Von Dire’s Ferral Film Festival set for Bucharest Sept. 18th 2018!!!

Gorepon Group Packages Available on our DARKEST WEBSITE!

HURRY BEFORE THEY SELL OUT!!!!!

GOREPONS START AT 12,000 BitCoin (Purchaser must have a Valid

PayPal account at time of Purchase)

Text 6.

Gorepon the Groupon of Grizzly Gore has current Tour Packages of

Killing Christ’s Kingdom Studios

VERY LIMITED TIME ON ONLY!!! DON’T THINK BUY. BUY.BUY.

TEXT 7.

VON DIRE Sinful Spoken Wicked Word Tour COMING SOON!!

Check Out Our Deepest Dark WebSite for Upcoming Information!!!

Have Your check books ready!!!!

Text 8.

Von Dire Biography 4 Sale!!! “Bloody Genital Mutilation: My Life Growing Up in Antartica” ON SALE! LIMITED NUMBER PRINTED!

ORDER NOW,NOW,NOW!!! (Sale Price 165 Euros) !!!

All We need is Your Social Security Card Number for verification of Purchase!

Text 9.

Von Dire Films Presents Bloody Sod Bollock’s

“Shoot My Face Off I Like It” Disturbing Documentary of Damnation

For Sale For LOW, LOW PRICE of 900 Yen!!!

All We Need is Your Debit Card Number and Pin Number!!!

Text 10.

Von Dire’s New Gothic Novel

“The Insurance Sucubus Slayer: Cannibalize The Conman”

Available now on BrutalBooks.Net for $49.99

All We Need is the Routing Number from a Personal Check!!!

Text 11.

Von Dire is Von Damit in “Demonic Dolphin Rape Cave 2”

Streaming on FuktFilms.Net for just the low price of $4.99 for

the 1st Minute and $2.99 each Additional Minute!!!!!

Text 12. “Lust and Lobotomies: The Jeffery Dalhmer Story” by Von Dire

Inspired by Real Life Insanity!!

Torn from the Headlines of Horror!!!!

On Sale Now For Just 17 Easy Payments of $59.99!!!!

Text 12.

Von Dire’s work will Haunt you!!!!

Check Out at Goddamn VOnDire.Org!!!

Text. 13

Von Dire Fan Club Enrolling NOW!!!

Von Dire’s Fan Club The Bloody Bastards has LIMITED OPENINGS!!!

Rare chance to become an actual Fan Club Member just Sign Up For

12 Months for $6,499.99!!!

9 Months for $4,995.99!!!

6 Months for $3,499.99!!!

3 Months for $1,499.99!!!

1 Month for just a mere $999.99

All You need to do is just send ALL Your Personal Banking Information to Us Via Our Deep Dark Dark Website!!

Text 13.

“Suck My Ass It Smells” the Von Dire GG Allin Punkumentary Slated for Release in FALL 2019!!! ADVANCE TICKETS FOR SALE!!!! BUY NOW!!!!!

Text 14.

It has come to Our attention that you haven’t purchased anything in QUITE A WHILE!

Please contact Us IMMEDIATELY with Your Credit Card Information Ready!!!

VON DIRE FILMS LLC “The Sickest Shit on Celluloid!!!”

Text 15.

WHY haven’t YOU visited Our Deep Website VonDire.Org Website??????

Please Stop and SHOP! SHOP! SHOP!

Deals! Sales! Discounts!! DOUBLE Fan Club Member Points!!!!!

Text 16.

It has come to the attention of Our Billing Department that You have an Outstanding OVER DUE Payment Pending for $749,999.99.

If You FAIL to contact us within 24 hours We will turn Your Current Past Due Amount over to The United States Federal Debt Collection Agency.

It be in Your Best Interest to CALL US TODAY and PAY Without Thinking or Questioning it. You can also Log Onto Our Darkest Website and SPEND the Equivalent on Merchandise.

Text 17.

You’ve been CAUGHT by MasterLock Security Monitoring Systems on Illegal Von Dire DarkWeb Movie sites.

These Sites contained depictions of Extreme Fetishes, Donkey Shows, Eating Feces, Platypus Rape, S&M&B&D&GT, Pygmy Gangbangs, Live Sex Acts preformed by Sea Monkeys, Defamation of the Dead, Necrophilia, HillBilly Incest, Cattle Decapitation, Sex with Star Fishes, Genital Mutilation, Uniques, Rectal Insertion of Foreign Objects, Triple Fisting, Nipple Clamp Carnage, Group Masturbation, Coffin Coitus, Blood Lust Orgies, Vaginal Vomiting, Testicular Torture, Midgets Running a Train on a WNBA Center, Amputee Stump Humping, Skull Fucking, Ejaculating Blood, Among Other Offenses.

If You Do Not PAY the Fine of $15,499.99 to Us in Target Gift Cards OR Cigarettes WE WILL REPORT YOU TO THE NSA IMMEDIATELY POST HASTE!

Text 18.

Cunt-Fart & The Rotten Peckers have just signed a contract to record the entire Soundtrack for Von Dire’s Short Student Art Film

“Sadistic Sex Slug Sodomy”

Release due February 1st at MIDNIGHT through Our Super Sick Website!!!

Members get unlimited listening!!!

So Send Us a Photocopy of Your Driver’s License and a Blank Persona Check or Debit Card!!!!

ONLY $975.99 While Supplies Last BUY NOW WITHOUT DELAY!!!!!!

Shitting and Fondling Included for an Additional Fee of $64.99!!!

Text 19.

Visit VONDIREMERCH.ORG(Y).NET NOW!!!!HURRY!!! GO!!!!

Discount Sale Starts This Friday at Midnight on Our Sick As Shit Website TODAY!!!

BE THERE YOU BASTARDS & BITCHES!!!!!

Text 20.

Authentic Bulgarian Bahhbahchoubpa Available TODAY!!!!

Grown EXCLUSIVELY at Von Dire Feral Farms in the Sunless Lithuanian Country Side!!

JUST A MEASLY $49.99 a Bushel!!!!! LOGON TO OUR Sinful Website for Purchasing Information TODAY!!!!!

Text 21.

Von Dire Office Yard Sale is going on this Weekend!!!!

This is YOUR rare and utterly exclusive chance as a Fucked Up Fan Club Member to PURCHASE SPECIAL MERCHANDISE ITEMS SUCH AS:

A Mason Jar of Von Dire’s Shaved Pubes, VD’s PERSONAL ANTIQUE Genital Torture Kit, VD’s diseased and stuffed Pet Electric Eel, VD’s office Urinal, The German Industrial Nipple Clamps from VD’s Outfit he wore to the Vomitous Awards in 1993, AND SOOOOO MUCH MORE!!!! LOG ON NOW LEMMINGS!!!

Text 22.

Von Dire’s Scummy Spoken Word Collection “Decade of Debauchery” consists of the 1979-1991 Spoken Word Tours of Guam. ONLY $99.99! LOG ON AND BUY NOW and BUY A COPY FOR A FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER NOW!!

Text 23.

Von Dire’s Lost Movie has just been Found!!!!

“Cockring Carnival of Karnal Cock Carnage 1888”

One of Von Dire’s 1st Films found misplaced in the Lost Soul Studios’s Film Vault!!!! ONLY $179.99!

EXTREMELY LIMITED TIME ONLY!!! This is a one time 36 Hour Special Secret Sale!!! Buy Several Copies NOW!!!

Text 24.

Von Dire POP UP RESTAURANT The VD Clinic IS HERE Tonight!!!

Just a small fee of $299.99 Per Person and $499.99 Per Plate!!!!

Dinner Includes:

Specialty Corrosive Cocktails, 17 Course Dinner (with the Main Course Being Bison imported from the Croatia), Damnable Dessert, and Sinister Cigars served with 110 year old cognac from Turkey.

PLUS A SPECIAL SHOWING OF VD Video Productions Catalog BUT HURRY SALE ENDS IN 76 Minutes!!

Text 25.

BREAKING NEWS!!! THIS JUST IN!!!!

Von Dire Dick Pics Leaked on

HollywoodHardons.com!!!!!!

NOTE TO READER: The texts above were sent starting Monday 6:15 am and Wednesday 11:39am. That would have been the end of it, BUT on Wednesday at 2:47 pm The Absurd Assholes sent me yet ANOTHER TEXT. The text was the same deplete piece of shit cheap ass scam bullshit as the last previous 3. Thusly at 7:48 Wednesday I returned to my antagonistic ways.

Text 1.

“Throbbing Taints and the Shitty Assholes” a Film By the Legendary Deplorable Director VON DIRE is a Political Commentary Documentary on the current sate of political affairs throughout this Evil Earth. Von Dire has already announced He will be filming the sequel “TrumpFucker: A Legacy of Failure” solely focusing on Donald Trump.

ADVANCE COPIES AVAILABLE FOR 210 BITCOINS!! CHECK OUT OUR SICKLY WEBSITE!! SOONER THE BETTER, BUY NOW!!

TEXT 2.

“Crippled Faith” is a collection of Gothic Poems about Death and Desire by none other than VON DIRE’S Little Bastard Brother VAN DIRE!! The book was released by Putrid Publishing which is his Older Brother VON DIRE’s Publishing House known mostly for publishing “Necrophilia Noir” a instructional guide for beginner Necrophiliac.

AVAILABLE AT OUR WEBSITE!!!

All We Need is a photocopy of Your Personal Financial Statements such as Banking Statement, to Complete Your Purchase RIGHT FUCKING NOW BITCHES!!!

Text 3.

Von Dire’s band SlutFuck will be playing a limited number of secret acoustic Tour all during the month of March.

DON’T MISS SLUTFUCK’S “EATING THE ASS OUTTA A DEAD DINGO” TOUR

WHERE WILL THEY BE PLAYING YOU ASK???!!

Log On to Our Wretched WebSite where You and Your Friends can PURCHASE CLUES to help You to locate a Secret Show NEAR YOU!!

The Cost Per Clue is Only $29.99!!! ACT NOW, BUY NOW!!!!!!

Text 4.

Cocktails To The Tits: A Von Dire Meet & Greet scheduled before the debut of VD’s most recent Diseased Film “The Cyclops: Cycle of Shitty Sex, Unbearable Sin, and the Abominable Aftermath”

Saturday Midnight Showing down at The Barfly Lounge!!!

Meet & Greet Passes $349.99 and Film Tickets for ADDITIONAL $74.99!!

Call The BarFly Lounge For Details RIGHT FUCKING NOW BABY!!!

Text 5.

“Zombie Hooker Handjobs” a Sick Flick by One of the most despised film makers in MOVIE HISTORY Von Dire’s Eldest Son Vin Dire!! COMING SPRING 2019!!!

Text 6.

“The Scumfuck Tradition & Legendary Luridness”

Von Dire’s FAMOUS AWARD WINNING ROCKUMENTARY chronicles Iconic Underground Hardcore Porno Punk Bands Such as the Following:

The Fuck Me Pumps, SlutFucker ( a SlutFuck Tribute Band), Slore, The Shitty Shitty Gangbangers, Agent Alien Anal X, The Prolapsed Rectums, Anti-All, Puss Buster, Rectal Invasion, Muff Diver & The Bull Dykes, Fighters and Fuckers, The Les Sober Scumbag 6, The Gash, Up To The Nuts In Guts, The Young Cocksmen, Hairy Clam and The Beavers, Death To Dipshits, Fuck Your Face, Mr. Fister, Cunt-Fart, Mangled Manginas, Vag The Impaler, Manstruation, The Salty Yogurt Slingers, Molested Melvin, The Perv’s, Rectal Leakage, The Bastards, and MANY MORE!!!!

Just Send Us the Deed to Your House as Payment!!! Purchase NOW!!!

Text 7.

Von Dire Presents “Disemboweling The Dead” a Perverse Film from Celluloid Sinn with LIMITED SHOWINGS AVAILABLE NOW STREAMING ON OUR SINFUL WEBSITE!!!! ONLY $197.60!!! ACT NOW!!!

Text 8.

The Sultan of Slaughter, The Duke of The Damned, The King of Corpses, The Barron of Blood, The Price of Perversion, The President of the Perverse, The Prime Minister of Sinister VON DIRE RETURNS AFTER 2 YEAR ABSENCE!!!!!

“Mouth Full of Maggots” is Von Dire’s Return to the Wretched Movie!!!

Already Banned in 49 States and 42 Countries World Wide!!!

Available in 90 Days for $129.99 or an Advance Copy for just $119.99!!!

Text 9.

The Von Dire Movie “Gargling With Broken Glass” is now available fully remastered in GORE VISON !! Available Now For $665.99!! Gore Vision Glasses NOT INCLUDED! Gore Vison Glasses SOLD SEPARATELY and can be PURCHASED for $349.99!!!

Text 10.

The Satanic Semen Society to induct Infamous Film Maker VON DIRE into the Sleaze Hall Of Fame on Julember 32nd!!! Watch the Induction on PPV On Demand for $49.99 or Stream it LIVE on our Sinister Website for $74.99!!!!

Text 11.

BREAKING NEWS!! YUGOSLAVIAN FILTH FILM DIRECTOR VON DIRE!!!

VON DIRE was Arrested and charged with Crimes Against the Indigenous People of PogoPogo while filming his latest movie

“The Bloody Savages of The Flesh Forrst”

Stay Up To Date on this SHOCKING News Story by Subscribing to Our NEW YOURUBE Channel for a Low Monthly Charge of $79.99!!

WTF R U WAITING 4?!!

That My Readers is where it has ended for now, and We will have to wait and see if this situation will continue in the near future/future.

Thanks For Reading,

Les Sober

Try Scamming Me & I’ll Royally Fuck Up Your Day.

As we are all by now aware theres a group of shitbags that make their living conning and scamming people 9 ways to Sunday. It started back in the day with bullshit e-mails people would randomly receive the ones where some fucking Prince, Sultan, King or some impressive shit is desperately trying to contact you ( a complete fucking stranger) The letters go on to describe some shitty injustice that has persecuted them and above all frozen their finances (i.e. Bank Accounts) and now this member of Royalty must flee their native land (because these letters claim to come from the Middle East or Africa predominately. Now heres the hook because this member of Royalty needs money to escape their willing to cut you the deal of the fucking century some shit like if you give me $5,000 once I escape and am vindicated I will pay you back $1,000,000 for the favor. I can’t believe I’m fucking saying it but it worked and worked well.

Then Identity thieves realized there was far more money to be made if you can steal a persons personal info such as Social Security Number, PIN Number, A Personal Check, Credit Card Info or Debit card. This gave birth to a whole new can of con artist worms.

There was the 1st group I call the Asshole Absurdists. They earn this mocking moniker because their fucking AMATEURS, and it tends to show in their work. I’ll use myself as an example here. I was surfing Porn and my Phone Froze and a message immediately popped up on my screen. The message read something to this affect:

“You have been flagged for visiting illegal pornographic sites. These sites contain images portraying Zoology, Pedophilia, Extreme Fetishes, Body Fluids etc. Your Phone for that reason has been frozen and will be wiped clean in 24 hours. To avoid this The FBI is willing to take a $500 in Target Gift Cards. The message went on to tell me how to get payment to the alleged FBI.”

Heres how I directed it instantly. 1) Zoology is an actual Animal Science, what these assholes meant to say was Bestiality or the crime of engaging in sexual relations with an Animal. 2) In all do favor I’m a YOUPORN man so I actually don’t surf for different sites but surf just that one (What they got a SHIT TON of content) 3) The FBI does not collect fines or penalties their a Government crime fighting agency, and if the Government wants any type of payment they created the IRS for that shit. 4) If lets say was in fact the FBI they would simply arrest me for alleged crimes because THATS WHAT THEY DO. 5) Why the fuck would the FBI want fucking $500 in Target cards as payment, and why wouldn’t you mail it or whatever to an official FBI office not some nameless P.O. Box. Asinine Asshole Absurdists.

The second is phone scams of a 1,000 different varieties, but the main 3 are due to current affairs, and they are pertaining to Health Insurance or Some outstanding Debt. or Hacking (they sell you fake security and run fake tests and from what I hear are quite good at imitating APPLE CUSTOMER SERVICE REPS. so heres a helpful tip APPLE DOESN’T SELL SECURITY OF ANY SORT WHAT SO EVER, AND NEVER USE 411 TO CONTACT APPLE AS SOME OF THOSE NUMBERS ARE FAKES SET UP BY CON ARTISTS) Then the phone scammers started to utilize texts to initial scare the shit out of the receiver and panic them into franticly calling a phone number included in text. Some fuck-fart tried selling me fake ass computer security and in the long run it didn’t end well for this individual. Apparently from what I heard 3rd hand from friends in Dirty Jersey he was found and then severely beaten, robbed, and warned for some reason to stop fucking stealing from people or they would shove his cell phone up his ass. I must state for the record and legal reason that I had no part in the assault/robbery mentioned previously.

All was quite on the Western Front as they say until 6:15 am when I received 3 identical texts in a row. The texts all said the same thing:

“Unfortunately we are having trouble processing payment for your health coverage. PLEASE CONTACT US AT 855-355-0402 – Customer Service”

The number I’m posting is the actual real number these fucking fools included in the text as their contact number. Heres My run down of the texts: First off WHO THE FUCK IS “US”?! I dunno about you but in my experience companies plaster their name and logo all over any email, snail mail or text they send. My Health Insurance Company LOVES to repetitively use their name any chance they fucking get the egotistical scumbags (if you remember correctly I HATE INSURANCE OF ANY KIND.) Second of all I make 2 yearly payments (ever 6 months from time of signing up) which is taken care of by Auto Pay so I don’t forget and fuck up my coverage or loose it. So I knew there was no issue with my real payment to my real Health Insurance Company as I also check my bank statement online religiously. Thirdly again WHO THE FUCK IS “US”?! Fourth on my list Insurance Companies don’t use words like “Unfortunately” as they don’t give a shit about you personally your just another ATM Machine to them. If you owe or there is an issue with your Insurance coverage they are quite blunt and quite aggressive about it. They’ll state you own them said amount of money and why then instruct you to pay by a certain date or lose you coverage (which also makes it difficult to replace with a different plan with a different country) They also tend to use words such as “OPEN IMMEDIATELY” or “IMPORTANT INFORMATION INCLOSED” or the classic “URGENT”/ “PAST DUE” Lastly no company in my experience has ever signed off as Customer Service especially if its a money matter it comes from THE BILLING DEPARTMENT or at least PAST DUE ACCOUNTS which again comes is part of the BILLING DEPARTMENT NOT MOTHERFUCKING CUSTOMER SERVICE. We all know Customer Service Reps have NO Authority or a modicum of power, they are the preverbal lowest of the low on the Totem Pole.

Now I got pissed off by these stupid scammer text bullshit so instead of doing what I usually do (Erupt in a Rage) I formulated a much different plan to fight back against these Scam Artist Sons of Bitches.

Due to the fact I don’t want to write what seems to the Reader as a “Endless Post”or having them suffer Ocular Seizures I will be posting this Story in 2 parts. Part 2 will be posted Tomorrow I assure you.

Thanks For The Read,

Les Sober

Out of the Bubble & Into the Future: Contemplating 31 Years of Life

In several days, this Sunday to be exact I will be turning 31. While a lot of my friends in and around 30 complain to me about how they are getting old and how we are getting old, I see this as a new beginning for myself.

I have come to realize that too often in life I am not the person defining myself. I have far too often let others opinions define me, far too often have lived up to every role and stereotype they have defined for me. I am very tired of this.

I am very tired of the label placed on me as being depressed or being bipolar or as being epileptic. I am tired of being the quiet one, the drunk one, the slut, the alcoholic, the compulsive gambler, the unstable.

I have been all of these, yet I have been none of these. They run in and around and through me again. Still I am not as simple as any label. We label people far too often as to characterize them. For the purposes of public opinion this is a great thing but for society as a whole it truly sucks.

THE BUBBLE

I have been living in this rather unfortunate bubble that I fully put myself in, that I believe I wanted to be in for a very long time. I have let people tell me that I am consistently depressed. Maybe I am. I am not as book smart as I should be and I am not as street smart as many of the things in my life I have done should have made me.

The vast imperfections of the world have made me rather sad. If I thought about everything wrong all the time, well of course I would be sad. I am too educated of a person to not be effected otherwise. When you have had your hand in as many cookies jars as myself, it is only wonder that I have all of fingers remaining.

So there has always been something holding me back. Most of the time myself, but a great deal of the time it is something legally or financially. Now I am on the cusp of freedom and frankly I am very nervous. Not freaking out but very soon I will have the ability to pick where I want to live, to go where I want to go, and to be who I want to be.

I am not sure what town to go to or what city I should somehow surface in or if the people will be nice or if be there at all even. I firmly feel I can do this. I pretty much just showed up in Niagara Falls, NY (of all places) and made friends the first real chance I gave myself. They wanted me to move there and I wanted me to move there but I got myself into a mess by not thinking for myself, not being myself.

I wish it was just as easy as me going back to Niagara Falls and reclaiming what I feel that I somewhat lack in my current surroundings. It’s probably all still here inside of me but this getting 5 hours of sleep a night is not enough for me.

I wish I could just take an Ambien but most sleeping pills cause me to blackout and bring out my inner fat girl. Some of us don’t remember and wake up with a mustache like the Pringles guy, I wake up covered in Pringles.

Anyway I cannot wait to get my license back in PA. I have been talking about soooooo many creative ideas with one of my friends that I am going insane not being able to do anything about them. Well I can do something about them but I’ve done enough dreaming. I am ready to cascade the dreams into action.

Well I believe the zzzzzzs are calling me now. I actually think the wind is calling me as well. Where I fall I know not.

By SpaceDog

Pot Pornography 5: Cannabis & Coitus

By Les “Or More” Sober

My Decade of Debauchery : The Foreshadowing Preface

After High School I didn’t have a fucking clue what the hell to do. I was young, and hated authority in any form. Needlessly to say I was jobless and had NO DESIRE to ever enter the Workforce. I had no desire to become one of those poor people who waste the prime years of their life at work only to retire and resent it. I drank like a fucking fish while smoking cigarettes excessively from the time I opened my eyes to the time I passed the fuck out. I was on numerous illicit substances usually a combination of several daily morning, noon or night. I was what is referred to as a “Functioning Drug Addict” which simply means I can party my ass off and still function.

I was EXTREMELY Opinionated and not afraid to state it no matter where or when I had an opinion on every fucking thing there was or is. My Mother I remember took me aside one day and said,”You have to watch your mouth because unless someone REALLY knows you at some point you’ll insult, offend, shock or anger someone, and their going to turn around and punch you in the face.”

I lived at home with my Mother as by then my parents had been divorced for a couple years. I also had the habit off pissing off one of my parents after a few months and then bailing to go live with my other parent. This was great for at one point I was living with my Father in a Dope Apartment in the center of town over a fancy ass restaurant, and was never there because of work and he was dating a good bit ( I met several women who’s names and faces I forget and don’t mind that I’ve forgotten.) So I had the place all to my self I had the entire run of the place. I digress for now that that is a completely different set of Stories all together, and I plan to save for another time.

I also had an extreme impulsive control issues as I had none at the time, with a horrendous temper I inherited from my Father (R.I.P) Whatever I thought to say I said and whatever I thought to do I did immediately without a single thought about any possible consequences. It was also true I had a Knack for getting in trouble, but ultimately I never suffered any serious side effects (Example: Getting Arrested Numerous Times)

I knew I needed cash to fund my” Low Life” life style and feed my various addictions as the grew bigger and badder over time. I was what is referred to by Narcotics Anonymous as a “Garbage Can” meaning we didn’t have one particular drug we craved and indulged in as opposed to others. I did them them all. I did whatever I could get my deviant hands on because my true drug was MORE. I never cared what it was just give me MORE AND MORE, but I”ll never be satisfied. I did Cocaine (I snorted and injected it), Smoked Crack, Shot/ snorted Heroin, Dropped Acid (Paper or Liquid), Ate Ecstasy and MDMA, Crystal Meth, Peyote, Micro Dots, PCP, and the some pills such as Vicodin, Xanax, Valium, but thank fuck I got out of the drug game before Pain Pills became EXTREMELY POTENT and READILY AVAILABLE. The one addiction I’m glad I narrowly avoided is/was gambling as I’m positive I suck at it from the get go, and would have lost even more shit in my life than I did with the Drink and Drugs.

I don’t include Marijuana because I don’t consider it a drug and remain a daily smoker.

With no prospects for a future outside of our shitty little town that we both despised with people we fucking hated Armenian and I decided to Sell Drugs. I don’t personally consider Marijuana to be a drug, but unfortunately the DEA decides these matters. With that said we dealt mainly in Pot, LSD and PCP. If we didn’t have what you wanted at the time we knew where to get it. This lead to a good bit of middle man work done on our part and of course charge a finders fee which could be paid in cash or stash we weren’t picky per say.

Now the Armenian was dating this girl E which meant it wasn’t just me and Armenian it was a goddamn package deal. On top of that bullshit we found out an acquaintance of ours named Guru who happened to be selling the same shit in the same area. Armenian and I decided joining forces was better than fighting for turf and customers, yet E was highly opposed to the idea and protested loudly. In spite of her opinion Armenian and I proposed to Guru our merger idea and we partnered up.

Thats Enough of That Now with More to Come.

Les Sober

Telemarketer Berserker

During My long and illustrious job history I have worked as a dreaded Telemarketer 3 times. My first Telemarketing job we didn’t do sales (thank fucking God thats the fucking worst by far) we did surveys for different companies that contracted us to do market research essentially. It was the same with the second time I was a Telemarketer so again not so bad. The last time I was a Telemarked though it was a bizarrely surreal experience. It was so absurd I decided I had to write about it, and this was MANY, MANY Years down the line.

This story is so utterly strange in nature I’m not sure where to start exactly. I suppose I’ll start with the simplest thing first, and that would be the actual office building that housed a so called Call Center. The office was located out in some remote part of the sticks (most likely because land is cheaper out in the middle of no fucking where USA) so it was a long and tedious drive just to get there. The building itself was bleak and depressing looking like something out of 1950’s Russia (Russia has had several name changes so in the 50’s Russia may very well been called The Soviet Union or The USSR). It was a single level office building whose walls were a Prison Gray with a stark pitch black roof. the inside was not much better I assure you. The Inside was the seriously most generic, soul sucking, bland, mundane, and lifeless. Of course there was the mandatory Florescent Lights we all know and love. The Lights that seem to have an odd murky white (with a blue tinge) the kind of Lights that make your fucking eyes roll back in your head, they melt your will and break your spirit. Buildings with Florescent Lights always remind me of living in Maine. Maine is one of those states (next to no sun all year, and the sky is always a over cast.)

Once I entered the building (that looked like a through back Mental Hospital ) I’d walk down a long hallway with White Sterile Walls, with the ever present Florescent lights buzzing and humming away. I walked all the way down the hallway to the very fucking end and there on my right was a plain white door that lead into the again so called “Call Center” which was like nothing I had ever seen in my past Telemarking jobs, it was for one insanely quite. As we all know when Telemarketers call you there basically sitting in one large room surrounded by fellow Telemarketers who are all fielding phone calls. This creates a good bit of background noise that is identifiable to most people. This place was a quite as a fucking Tomb I kid you not.

Once through the door I found myself in a very small room (about the size of an average bedroom) where Telemarketers lined the perimeter of the walls instead of straight lines in cubicles as is the common practice. There were only a handful of employees most looked like fucking teenagers. I would walk across the room to a open doorway into a minuscule hallway about 3-4 feet long max. At the end of that mice hallway was the Supervisor’s Office.

The Supervisor was a fat, cranky, middle aged woman (50-55 years old approximately. She had a shitty attitude to boot. She was one of those type of people that act like they hate their job and their lives resenting both in the end. She reminded me more of a fucking Taxi Dispatcher than a Supervisor of any-fuckig-thing at all. Her fashion sense was non existent as she wore these hideous sudo Tommy Bahama shirts, the ones made from the cheapest of fabrics in a Sweat Shop by Children. Not only was the fabric of the lowest grade they had equally hideous patterns on them such as Tropical Themes, Loud obnoxious colors, and ridiculous abstract patterns that made you go “God thats fucking horrible, who the hell would wear that shit???” Anyway point is she was a badly dressed Asshole.

Across the tiny hallway there was another even smaller room that resembled a large bathroom (say in a Master Suit or Penthouse) and it too had Sterile Sanitarium White, there was absolutely nothing on the walls. There were no tacky motivational posters or crappy “Waiting Room” paintings. This was made more depressing by the fact there wasn’t a single fucking window so you felt sort of trapped like you were stuck in a Military Bunker not a Office. This almost claustrophobic room was where I was stationed so I didn’t have any real contact with my fellow Telemarketers it felt like being in fucking solitary confinement. My “desk” was just one of those run of the mill tables you see all the fucking time at large functions, Church events, School Fairs, Town Hall Meetings, for catering events etc. It was the mass produced piece of general use particle board with a fake wood top kind of like the Old School Station Wagons that had the bullshit wood side paneling. On my desk was only one thing a phone nothing else what so ever. It was like down at the Prison where they have the special phone for executions that is a direct line to the Governor.

Now this Telemarketing Firm didn’t do sales nor did it do surveys. I’m not honestly sure what the fuck they do as I wasn’t employed there long. While I was there though we were cold calling High Schools across the entire Nation. Why you may ask and with good reason. We were calling High Schools to Talk to a Gym Teacher because they teach Sex Ed/Health Class, and we were offering LARGE AMOUNTS of FREE SAMPLES. Now I know your interested because why would Telemarketers call High Schools to contact Gym Teachers due to the fact they teach Sex Ed/Health Classes. We were calling to offer these High Schools loads of Free MAXI PADS. Yes Maxi Pads, motherfucking Maxi Pads.

Every Gym Teacher I contacted told me ABSOLUTELY NO THANK YOU, and they all has the same reason too. The reason was simple logic see what do you think a High School worth of Students are going to do with Free Maxi Pads? They’re going to use them. Use them to Vandalize the Holy Hell out of the School I’m talking Floor to Ceiling, Wall to Wall, and End to End. This made perfect sense of course because if I was one of those High School students thats exactly what my Friends and I would do.

As you might imagine sitting in this half assed excuse for a office for 8 fucking hours a day 5 days a week hearing No after NO (even if there is a damn good reason to say NO) gets fucking depressing. Now this is what happened that led to my Firing. We had contact sheets and on the top was the Company offering Free Samples and what the promotion was all about. The lower half of the contact paper had a space for the High School and the Gym Teachers name that we spoke with. Lastly there was a final blank space for the total number of Boxes of the Free Samples to be shipped to said Schools.

After a while I decided if I got a Gym Teacher’s answering machine I’d write their name down and make up a number of orders. This went on for quite awhile. Then one day I got in and managed to find out (no thanks to my anti social introverted fellow employees) that the new girl was hired as a Fact Checker. Her one and only task was to double check our orders to make sure they were legitimate. Obviously my bullshit was catching up with me. I could have just quit the job (as most people would have at this point) cut and run before the shit hit the fucking fan, but I didn’t. I’m not sure why I remained there knowing the noose was tightening so to speak.

What I assume with great confidence (its the only logical reason for the Fact Checker Chick) that my bullshit orders were being shipped out to Schools who had not fucking clue, and the Gym Teach’s names were on the shipping label. Now either they were personally annoyed by this stunt or they were anxious because the Principle was pissed, and the Teacher wanted to avoid being fired. For whatever reason the Teachers were calling my Employer and demanding to know what the hell was going on. Then of course my befuddled Boss would have to apologize her ass off while simultaneously kissing the angry Gym Teachers ass as well. Needless to say my shenanigans were now pissing everyone from the Teachers to my Boss to Her Boss and above. Thats why my Boss and other Middle Management Morons had a brain storming session to find out how they could resolve the issue at had. Inevitably they came to the solution of hiring a Fact Checker to hunt down the guilty party at which point my Boss would take the hell over, and that employee would terminated immediately.

Finally my day of reckoning arrived rather swiftly I must say. The Fact Checker Chick had at last found the answer to the “Who is fucking around and causing Management a huge pain in the ass, and that guilty person was me. I got called into my bosses office and as I walked there I felt like I was the one in High School getting called into the Principal’s office. As I walked past my fellow feeble minded employees I made sure to let them know that I knew they knew and didn’t give a flying fuck. I did this by walking with a smugly sarcastic grin and if we made eye contact I stared them down like a dog with a “I’ll fuck you up, fuck anything or everything up and I SIMPLY DON’T CARE NOT IN THE LEAST.” glare because truth be told I didn’t. I fucking hated the job, the oppressing office, the bunch of brain dead dips hits I worked with, the Idiotically inconvenient commute, the miserable Management, and my Bastard Son of a Bitch Boss Lady. I didn’t care about being fired I’ve been fired almost as much as I have quit jobs on the spot so I relished the whole overly dramatic display of inner office asshole authority.

My Boss walked me into her hoarder looking office and sat down behind her desk. She instructed me to sit and I said no I’ll stand thanks. That didn’t help her growing rage and thats what it was intended to do. She then launches into this tirade about the Company and their policies pertaining to shit like this. I just stood there looking at her with the “I really could care less about whatever it is you babbling about” look painted across my face. My soon to be Ex-Boss then started ranting about her personal views on the subject at hand which I found rather unprofessional. Since I didn’t give a Rat’s ass about what the Company had to say I sure a hell didn’t give a good goddamn. I thought to myself why not take the opportunity and tell this asshole what I thought because I was getting fired anyway so fuck it right?! I interrupted her mid speech and blurted out that as far as I was concerned this place was a fucking two bit, half assed excuse for a Telemarketing firm. Not even close to being done I continued on. Next I told her that she was a total shit and that her pissant Supervisor job at this 3 ring shit show was menial at best, and that she apparently hated her life (and that I couldn’t blame her) and took it out on other people because no one cares about her. Lastly I informed her I had absolutely and utterly NO REMORSE for my actions in fact I found the whole thing funny as fuck even me being fired. After that I just walked out and left fuck her, fuck them, fuck it not like there aren’t other jobs out there so ultimately I didn’t need this one.

Thanks For Reading,

Les Sober

Early Am Insanity: A Texting Tirade

Here is the Latest installment of Les’s Late Night Text Bombing Spacedog with Utter Absurdity.

Text Bomb Drops at 3:14 am:

I dip my balls in Vino and Tea Bag Alcoholics.

Phil was Drunk & Nude making Scrambled Eggs and accidentally Scrambled his Scrotum.

Lets Fast Forward to the Fucking.

Chastity Belts were known at the time as Beaver Blockers.

She terrorizes the Tiny Town with her Tremendous Tits.

WTF is/are Mummeries?

CLUSTERFUCKS: The ClusterFuck Club, The ClusterFucked Friends, The CLusterFucking Fiends, The ClusterFuckable Family, The ClusterFuck Factory.

New Anime Cartoon The Fantastic Fuckery of Tittie Fuck-Fuck.

Theres as Serial Rabbit Rapist running loose in The Woods of Wisconsin.

Farmer Phil got so fucked up Drunk he Butt Balled a Bull.

Tubeless peter Pecker The Marvelous Merkin Maker of Manchester.

The Bastards & Bitches Society’s Ballroom Bash.

Shemale Shoe Shiners Union Local 447.

New Porn Film Title: Granny Tranny

The Sausagefest Sword Fight or the Clashing of the Cocks.

Clit City.

Meth Mouth Mark sucks dick for Dope behind the 8-12 dumpster out back.

Phil got so fucked up he Dicked a Donkey.

The Electric Dildo Experience of 1888.

My new favorite insult followed by alternatives: Bite My Taint, Lick My Taint, Suck My Taint, Toung My Taint.

Horse Humping Harry The Racetrack Rapist Strikes Again in Cook County Connecticut.

Phil got fucked up & stuck his pecker in a Prize Pig.

LadyLand The Menstruation Nation.

Phil got Shitfaced & sucked a Sheep’s Schlong.

Frederick got fucked up & Gargled a Goat’s Gonads.

Leisure Suit Silvia & The Land of the Lesbian Lounge Lizards: Leisure Suit Larry.

Pot Paraphernalia plus a Dildo = The Schlong Bong “The Bong with Balls”

Derricks favorite new Ska Band is called Bag of Dicks.

Karl is a cock cracking cunt or Karl is a cock kinking cunt.

The Cunty Cowboy’s of Salt Lake City.

My new band is named The Salt Lake City Slut System.

Early 19th century Sailors used to refer to a Womanizer as a “Clam Cracker” or “A Slit Shucker”

Phil is Pounding his Pecker to Porn.

Pete is Pounding Off to Low Budget Pittsburg Produced Porno.

Japan has a Sex Doll Disposal Service.

New International Porn: Getting Gash in Guam.

Phil got fucked up and Banged a Water Buffalo.

Frederick got fully fucked up and fingered a Ferret.

Phil got fucked up & sucked a Whale’s Wang and Had Six Way Sex with Sharks.

Richard suffers from Rectal Rage Disorder

Grits & Shits with a side of Eggy Anus.

Betty’s Beefy Buttocks.

Porn Title: Naughty Necrophiliacs: Coitus with Corpses

Alt Terms for a Pornographic Movie: A Fuck Film, A Dick Flick, A Pussy Picture, a Fuck Flick.

Samuel’s smoking Weed & Wanking Off Wildly.

Spiritual Soul Sex.

Time Now 4;20 am:

4:20 Smoke It if Ya got It.

The opposite of Wake’n Bake is Smoke’n Sleep.

Thats All This Bombing,

Les “Than” Sober