The lady had arrived at the final destination. She did not know how final it was or if she would be happy with the person next to her or the person inside of her in the morning, but she saw a shimmer in those eyes, like alpenglow cresting forth before the dawn.
There was no rhyme or reason. There was no great parade, no grand procession as she was accustomed to seeing. And so forth she went.
Well that lady is me. It is you. It is everyone of us. We all forget things that should not be forgotten. I personally have about five years of my life that I have blocked out due to PTSD. I treated myself deplorably and lived as such in almost every single facet of my being. I have difficulty distinguishing up or down, wrong or right, nearly every moment of those five years is a complete blur.
It is like it almost never happened but unfortunately it did. I sometimes tend to forget the year I am in, the age I may be, etc. at the given moment.
Several of my friends have gone through ECT, so I can relate with some degree of empathy with the lost thoughts, days, months, places. Except mine are in a more accessible place, a place I frankly choose not to access and which my conscious mind does not allow me to bring forth.
A lot of people I talk to think I am crazy. They do not wish to see the optimism I see in things to the point that I almost do not believe in it anymore. I have not forgotten that the world we live in is not a place of innocence, it is not a place of the nice guy never finishes last and the asshole never wins. It is opposite.
So as I sit here trying to break some kind of bread with Anne Frank, swastika emblazoned on my forehead. As I sit here wondering if all of my causes are noble or whether certain rocks should never be turned there is one thing I do not forget.
That there is still some kind of love, some kind of hope in this world. What brings me hope in the closest sense of the word is rather private but there are always rocks which need to overturned. Some should never have been touched but I touch. I feel, I learn. It has taken me a very long time to believe something I had forgotten for many, many years.
Luckily yesterday going to see a Pearl Jam concert on Halloween returned some of that lost innocence just a little bit more. Probably only for a little bit, but that’s a little bit more life in me then I had yesterday or the day before.
Everything in life brings you one step closer to death. Or one step closer to life. Most things are not that obvious. No one knows whether speeding down the highway or screaming at the top of your lungs makes you live more or die. All I know is today I am closer to life. Whatever lost cause tomorrow may bring.
By SpaceDog