The Following is an Excerpt form F-YourPlay’s Current Project “The Architecture of Human Anatomy”.
Location: The Human Assembly Plant’s Board Room
In the Board room sits McCoy the current CEO at the Head of a Massive Table that seats a Heavy 16 Other Individuals. In Walk Two Individuals in Dark Green Coveralls carrying Clipboards one in each hand looking a Bit Confused. McCoy asks the Men to Sit which They do with One sitting directly to McCoy’s Left and One directly to His Right. Once the Individuals have taken a seat McCoy Abruptly Stands Up so fast His Chair goes sailing backwards and slams into the wall.
McCoy: Dear Management I have summoned you both Here today due to the Fact that after I reviewed the Initial Construction Plans, I had some very serious questions pertaining to something I saw on the Blue Prints. (McCoy looks at the Individual sitting to His Left) Thomas I brought You here since You are the Operations Supervisor so You correlate all the intricate details of Assembly. (McCoy shifts His gaze to the Individual to His right) Tim I sent for You as You are the Head of Our Mechanics Department so You know every piece of this Puzzle and what it does or what it’s for.
Thomas: Thank You it’s a Great Honor….
McCoy: To what Kiss My Ass? This isn’t a Social Visit Boys there some real possible problems We are facing that could delay or destroy Our Product Projection Plan. Do You think My Superior wants me kissing his ass, THAT IS NOT THE CASE I ASSURE YOU. My Boss wants My Head in the Game or on a Silver Platter, Thats the goddamn reality I live in. I exist in a constant Low Level of Anxiety. You know what really fucks with one’s anxiety, ISSUE MY FRIENDS ISSUE. Issues if they aren’t instantly stopped out become PROBLEMS and that when We find Ourselves waist deep in the Shit which in addition to being Feces is also rising.
Tim (confused but Curious) : What if I may Ask are Your concerns for Our currently Project as it were?!
McCoy: Now there is the initiative I need in this Harrowing Time. Alright let’s get to it shall We Friends. Let’s Us start with the Nose shall We. As I understand it the Human Nose is the Breathing Apparatus Yes?!
Tim: Yes that is correct it is for the intake of Oxygen which is the Principle Full used in almost All of Our Past Projects, and a standard We felt was worth sticking too.
McCoy: THEN EXPLAIN THE MUCUS! Why the hell did we add Mucus in the Nasal Passage ways since Mucus clogs them up happening the breathing process? Its counter fucking productive by definition.
Thomas: Well the Mucus acts like a filtration system to weed out unwanted Particles of various debris to prevent inhalation into the Lungs which causes extremely serious complications to Repertory Health of Our Product. Also Mucus is also designed to enter a more liquid fluid like state to aid in the drainage of Diseases such as Colds or worse the Flu helping expedite the self repairing Systems we installed.
McCoy: Mucus while it sounds quite useful may need to be reengineered or replaced all together as there glitches in its Protocol, but for now let’s move on to the Lungs. Why are we going with lungs as opposed to Gills then answer Me that?!
Tim: If we used gills inlace of lungs then they wouldn’t be Modern Humans they’d be fish. Fish are an exceedingly great product with thousands of Versions and variations they are in fact rather stupid creatures.
McCoy: I heard Dolphins where extremely intelligent.
Tim: First off they are in fact Mammals and if they were in fact exceptionally intelligent then they would move out of the Ocean and eat something other than smaller fish. We were under the distinct impression that the new Modern Human project would be our most advanced product yet.
McCoy: Fuck Dolphins then. We can stick with the lungs since they are significantly cheaper than the Gills which require the extraction of the Oxygen fuel from the Water, that filtration like process is far to damned expensive. Honestly that’s why the Company stopped using gills all together, it was to simply cut down on overhead you see.
Thomas: We have done everything possible to enhance the Modern Human Project well beyond initial projections.
McCoy: Have You? Have you really? Then what the fuck is an Appendix for? The Appendix is from a Historically Outdated Model so why is this archaic piece of shit even on the blueprints in the first fucking place Huh?
Tim: It was a budgetary issue. True the Appendix is severely outdated by several thousands of years, BUT if we didn’t use it the Expense would be deducted from Next Years budget. We didn’t want our budget decreased so we found an out of the place space to stick it the saving next years budget.
McCoy: Excellent thinking Friends thats MUCH more like it, We love company minded employees, oh that we do. Tell me then about the Intestinal Tact is that a budgetary issue as well? You see what I can’t get my head around is why we are using 20 fucking feet for the SMALL intestine, and a fucking additional 5 feet for the Large intestine. And if those are the actual measurements why the hell are We calling the bigger one Small and the smaller one Large? It’s going to complicate the instruction manual for sure.
Thomas: Well Phil in Research and Development thought it be funny as all hell if we used the total 25 feet of intestines so when Any Human Product Model got split in half or its Abdomen bursts then the intestines would pop out like the “snakes”used in those Joke Peanut Brittle cans.
Tim: As for the names Burt in Labeling is Dyslexic.
McCoy: We will need to reevaluate the Intestines at a later date then as they seem like a serious waste of Time and materials a straight line from Stomach to Rectum makes far more sense like with the Mouth to the Stomach connection. Speaking of wasted time and materials what the fuck is the deal with Hair?
Tim: Aesthetics mainly as your correct hair is unnecessary in the Modern Human Product.
Thomas: They seem to love playing with it, well the hair on their heads anyway. They cut it in different styles, dye it different colors, braid it all there all kinds of options.
McCoy: Aesthetics and Personal preference aside Hair is Obsolete. Even if it wasn’t there would still be the issue of Modern Human Product’s constantly deriving ways to REMOVE said hair. They have waxes, lotions, creams, tweezers, razors, specialized razors, and even fucking lasers. Hair is utterly pointless in my book. Now on to the Eyes.
Tim: what about them?
McCoy: We invented 5 different senses to Aid our Modern Human Products to navigate their world so why is it that 90% of the MHP’s information pertaining to their surroundings/world come solely from the fucking Eyes then?
Tim: The eyes were designed by Trent who is an overrated individual who pioneered the Nervous System so Management considers Him some kind of super fucking genius. They think so highly of Him they let him do pretty much whatever the fuck We wants, and they eat it up. Trent shits and The Board give him standing Applauses.
McCoy: That all is completely ridiculous. After this meeting I will be drawing up the proper and appropriate paperwork for Trent’s immediate Termination citing Gross Negligence. 5 senses should work together equally none should be more predominate than any other, its common fucking sense here.
Thomas: Are there any other concerns you’d like us to address?
McCoy: Damn Straight there are. Why did We select Hands over Paws?!
Thomas: Again the Modern Human Project is supposed to be our most advanced model to date, and since it was determined that they would walk upright instead of the On All Fours previous protocol they already had feet, so we worked on designing the Hands.
Tim: The only issue We hand when developing the Hands Model was with just 4 fingers the hands were flawed as fuck and virtually useless.
Thomas: That was until Phil made the correlation between Hands and Feet, noticing that without the Big toe walking was flawed and virtually useless. So Phil invented the Thumb or The Hand’s Big toe as he refers to it constantly.
McCoy: Well what the fuck Phil You’re getting a Promotion with a significant pay increase. That’s the creative drive we need to pull off this Modern Human Model. What Initiative. Phil is a fucking Visionary. The deal with Butt cheeks what’s that all about? None of Our other Life Models have Butt Cheeks, NO ONE NEEDS THEM. Not the Amphibians, Reptiles, insects, Fish, Birds, Mammals, Arachnids, not even the Microscopic Organisms need butt cheeks to dedicate properly.
Tim: They are simply space filler.
McCoy: Fucking space filler? Why do we need space filler for fucks sake?!
Tim: Since the sedition was made to have the Modern Human Models walk upright we had some spare space that needed to be fleshed out. We needed something to fill in the space between the lower back and the Top of the Legs. Also without them the MHM’s would have great difficulty sitting down which is a primary and essential function as it was described to us by Upper Management.
McCoy: Goddamn this walking upright Schematic its absolutely insane. Now we have negative spaces that we have to find a way to fill thats just fucking wonderful. Now why do we need Kidneys AND a Bladder?!
Thomas: The Bladder is the holding/short term storage of the by product of Urine. The Kidneys are the filtering system for the Bladder removing a number of harmful agents from advancing further through the MH’s various Systems.
McCoy: Fine but why can’t the Bladder DO BOTH, why can’t it FILTER and STORE Urine in the short term? The Modern Human Model has a great deal of excess parts and unnecessary measurements.
Tim: We hadn’t considered the dual functioning factor pertaining to the Bladder, but we will run the idea down to R&D immediately after this meetings conclusion.
McCoy: Very Good, our company loves loyalty. Now what’s going on with the use of Hydrochloric Acid in the Stomach as part of the digestive process, I mean Hydrochloric Acid melts the Modern Human Model’s flesh, skin, fat, and muscles leaving nothing but bare bones. Thus I am gravely concerned about its usage in the digestive process.
Thomas: True that Hydrochloric Acid is on the “Will Kill Them” watch list, but again Phil has invented a ratio that allows for digestive aid without the unpleasant liquifying effects. It’s the picture of everything in moderation I suppose.
McCoy: I suppose you’re right. Goddamn Phil is going to have a great day after this meeting, Phil is going places. Alright before I conclude this meeting for today I have one last Topic that needs addressing and thats the reproductive organs.
Tim: Genitals.
McCoy: What?!
Time: Genitals, they’re called genitals.
McCoy: I don’t give a rat’s ass what they are called it doesn’t negate any or all issues pertaining to said Genitals.
Tim and Thomas simultaneously: Duly Noted.
McCoy: Now here’s where I get concerned. What grabbed my attention initially was the vastly different schematic layouts for Modern Human Model in the Man model and the Female Model are exceedingly on the opposite ends of the spectrum.
Tim: Please could you elaborate a little for us please.
McCoy: Sure I can. The Male Model is external which makes it susceptible to injury or damage, why do we not have a skull around the genitals for protection of a fucking ribcage? Anyway the Male Model is basic and straight forward for the most part, at least as where general daily use and function are concerned anyhow.
Thomas: The Skull simply is not structurally possible, especially with the Internal Reproductive organs of our Female Model. There is No space in the Female Model, and even if there was it would only serve to totally fuck everything up. Even the Man model would be hampered on a regular daily basis by the addition of a second skull to protect the genitals.
McCoy: Fine the skull issue has been put to bed. Still why is the Female Human Model much more complex with far more parts than in our Human Male Model?
Tim: Phil’s brother Bill works in the Reproductive Design department and well he’s a dreamer, but he is also prone to the “Too Many Cooks in the Kitchen” when it comes to his thinking. He started with the Human Male Model and after designing it He was on a roll he felt. So the next thing We know Bill just keeps adding additional parts to the Human Female Model like a run away train or something. There was no way to stop or slow him down once he’s reached peaked creative mania.
McCoy: Well I have much to think about so this meeting is Over. I will have to have Bill called into Resource Department for an Evaluation. There is a fine line between Artistic excitement and Serious Insanity.
Thanks for Reading,
By Les Sober