Tag: Absurd

Tidbits for Shits and Giggles: Let Me Hear Your War Cry (Animation)

This Wonderful Little Bit of Absurd Insanity is a Doctored Clip from the the 1987 Vietnam War Movie Blockbuster Full Metal Jacket where the Actor’s Faces have been Replaced with Japanese Mannequin Faces. The Audio of Distorted Screams that Steadily Increase in Pitch is Equally Absurd and Equally Insane. Unfortunately Though there isn’t any Information Available about the Creator of this Audacious Art, and Thus We Can’t give Them the Credit They Damn Well Deserve.

Enjoy.

Thanks for Watching,

Presented By    Les Sober & FYB  

The Tale Of The Lazy Boy Lucifer

I’ve lived out here in the Woods by the Lake for Ongoing 5 Years Now and I have seem some seriously Strange Shit Believe You Me. Now Living this Far Out in the Woods We don’t have certain things that Most People take for Granted such as Street Lights, Sidewalks, Fire Hydrants, City Water, and Trash Pick Up. The Last one is the Real Big Bitch of the Bunch since Not only do You have to Periodically haul Your Regular Household Garbage to the Dump, but Everything Else as Well Such as Old Furniture, Mattresses, Yard Debris and All Other Extraneous Shit.

You do have the Option of Paying for a Private Trash Removal Company to come Each Week and take Your Trash, But since They don’t work for the County You have to Pay Them Out of Pocket for the Service. And if You’re thinking that They might take advantage of the Situation and Exploit the hell out of People for Profit You’d be Absolutely Right. So Needless to say I know of Only one Household around My way that Pays for Trash Pick Up.

Since the Day We first Moved in I had Noticed one of Our Neighbors a few Blocks Down the Road from Us had a rather Odd ongoing Habit. Don’t get Me wrong these are Decent People They aren’tWhite Trash by Any Means They don’t have Cars Lying around Their Property Rusting into fucking Oblivion, There aren’t any Household Appliances on the Porch (like a Washing  or Dryer Machine), The Yard is Mowed Regularly so it’s Not Overgrown or Plagued by Weeds, and the House is a Pleasant Looking One Story Brick Ranch with a Relatively New Roof. Thus for All Intents and Purposes it looks so Generic and Normal that on Any Given Day No One would give it a Second Thought. I would fall into this Category Myself if it weren’t for the Fact I noticed (and then became a bit obsessed over) the Chair Phenomenon.

                

These Particular Neighbors would Randomly without Rhyme or Reason Put a Living Room or Similar Type Chair Outside on Their Front Yard. This again isn’t a just Throw the fucker on the Front Lawn as there is Apparently a Method to this Madness. The Chairs are always placed in the EXACT same spot each and every time without Fail. If Your standing in the Street and Facing the House the Spot is the Lower Left Corner of the Front Yard as Far from the House as Humanly Possible. The Chairs sit just  inches from the Actual Road, and in Front of a Natural Privacy Wall of Large Bushes that Separate the Property From the One Next Door.

The Chairs that have been Placed in that Designated Spot over the Years aren’t Junk by a Long Shot. All things Considered as Second Hand Chairs go These Chairs are in Decent to Good Condition they aren’t Beat to Hell, Torn or Ripped, Faded, or Missing Cushions or perhaps a Leg. In Fact they are in better condition than anything one might find at Goodwill or Habitat for Humanity’s Restores. Honestly there been a few Chairs that I actually in all Honesty thought to Myself “Damn if I needed a Chair or Knew someone who did I’d take this Fucker right here.”

There are Never a Sign like FREE, TRASH, or FOR TRASH PICKUP so I just came to assume that if Someone could use it They simply would take it. As time went on if the Chair continues to Sit out in the Sun, Wind, and Rain along with the Local Wildlife as well as Bugs/Insects collecting Dirt and Mildew I figured Someone in the Area would get fed up with Driving past and seeing the Particular Chair Rotting Away, and took it Upon themselves to Dispose of It (a sort of “Well if They aren’t going to do shit I don’t want to have to keep looking at this Eyesore.”).

              

Again the Different Chairs Sudden Appearance and Subsequent Disappearance Devoid of Any Reason that I can Tell of slowly began to Evolve from Mild Curiosity to Full Blown Full On Fascination. I couldn’t determine Why this Occurrence was Happening  or Why it was Occurring. Who has so many Chairs to Discard in the First Place?  Not to Mention Where the Hell where these Chairs Ending Up?  And Most Important of all the Questions/Factors Who the Hell was Responsible for The Numerous Chairs Eventually Inevitable Disappearance?! So Many Questions and Not a Single Answer or Clue. Left to My Own Devices I slowly began Developing a Theory that Answered All the Questions I had or Possible could have, and here it is.

Generations Ago this Family was Faced with a Curse of Discomfort that was Placed Upon them by an Fellow Neighbor who was Pissed that They weren’t Invited to The Family’s Annual 4th of July Cookout. The Curse Stated that No Matter what a Cursed Family Member Sat Upon be it a Living Room Chair, Couch, Stool/Bar Stool, Loveseat, Bench, Recliner, Chaise Lounge, Hassock, Rocking Chair, Settee, Futon, Daybed, or Bean Bag Chair They Would Never be Able to Get Comfortable until They Day They Died. The Reality of Living Out Their lives with Their Asses in Constant Anguish was Utterly Unbearable to the Family so They started looking for a Way to Dispel the Curse once and for All.

              

The Family went from Town to Town, City to City, State to State, and Every Lead They managed to Scrounge Up ended up Amounting to Jack Diddly Shit. Dismayed and Deeply Depresses the Family was on the Verge of Abandoning Their Curse Breaking Cause when They came across the Mother Load of Tips. This One Tip Blew all the Other Tips Combined completely out of the fucking Water, and The Family’s Hope was Once again Restored. It happened while the Family was in A. Hole’s Home Decor Depot in God Knows Where New Mexico. Just as the Family was about to Leave the Store Empty Handed, which They had become accustomed to, They were Approached by a Shady Looking Salesman Sporting a Sinister Smile Named Asmodeus. Asmodeus empathized with the Family’s Plight and because He did He was willing to Give the Family the Key Piece of Information that They so Desired.

Asmodeus tipped the Family off to the Whereabouts of a Last Boy Retail Outlet Hidden so Deep in a Dark Corner of an Appellation Mountain Vally that The Locals Denied its Very Existence. There at the Mysterious Lazy Boy Outlet The Family would find the Man They had been Seeking for Decades, and this Particular Man possessed the Cure to the Uncomfortable Curse. The Family set out Immediately in Search of the Illusive Lazy Boy Outlet Post Haste Their Hearts Filled with Hope. The Family Drove for what Seemed like Eternity until They Reached  the Secret Access Point in the Application Mountains that would lead Them to the Mythical Lazy Boy Outlet the Menacing Salesman Spoke Of.  It took the Better half of the Day to Navigate the Increasing Rough Terrain of the Appalachian Mountains, especially for the Family of Amateurs who were Unaccustomed to such Physical Toil.

           

At Last as the Sun was Setting far off in the Eastern Horizon the Family Exhausted and Caked in Dirt and Filth Stumbled Upon the Peculiar Ominous Lazy Boy Outlet. The Family Tentatively Entered the Dank and Shadow Filled Store being extremely Cautious in Their New Surroundings so Far from Home. The Store was Illuminated by 18th Century Oil Lamps that were Scattered Around the Store making the Dense Shadows Dance Upon the Walls and the Ceiling itself. A Thick Layer of Dust Lay upon Each and Every Surface within the confines of the Store, and Cob Webs swayed back and forth like a Body from the Gallows.

All of a Sudden a Decrepit Old Woman came Slinking forward from the Shadows to Greet The Family. The Family told the Old Hag Their Tale of Woe as She Nodded Knowingly as if She Somehow had Heard it All Before. Once the Family had Finished Their Story the Old Hag informed Them that They could in deed Break the Curse, But just like so many things in Life there were Strings Attached as Nothing is Free.

The Family was so Overcome with Excitement at Finally being rid of The Curse that when the Old Hag handed them a Clipboard with a Unknown Document Pinned to it They Signed it with Gusto not bothering to Read a single fucking word of it. Once the Old Hag had the Signed Document She informed Them that it was a Life Long Multigenerational Contract that Guaranteed the Family that the Curse was Now Broken. Not Only that but as Part of the Contract the Family would be Given the Most Decadent, Luxurious, and Decadent Lazy Boy Recliners that Man has Ever Known.

              

The Family Rejoiced at the Old Hag’s News as They Cheered, Laughed, Danced Around, and High Fives One Another Smiling Ear to Ear like a Bunch of Jackasses. The Old Hag waited patiently until the Family’s Fanfare had Died Down and then Informed Them of the Previously Mentioned Attached Strings that also came with the Contract. To Uphold Their End of the Contract the Family as Long as Their Bloodline continued to Walk the Earth would Periodically Sacrifice a Chair to the Lazy Boy Lucifer.  And if They Failed They would be Dragged Kicking and Screaming Straight to The Household Hell which was Governed by The Lucifer of Lazy Boys. There the Family would spend Eternity as Satanic Salesmen Selling Shitty Chairs to Demons who could Never be Satisfied, and would Return to Torture the Shit Out of Them since Household Hell has a No Refund No Exchange Policy.

              

So Thats Obviously what is Going on with My Oddball Neighbors since its the Only Scenario that makes any sort of Sense. And Thats That Plain and Simple.

Thanks For Reading,

By Les Sober  

Tidbits For Shits and Giggles: Henry Eats

Have You ever found something Wildly Entertaining without Actually being about to Explain Why? For Example I have Mentioned one of My Favorite “Jokes” as it were is as Follows:

Why Do Ducks Have Webbed Feet? To Put Out Forrest Fires.

Why Do Elephants have Flat Feet? For Stomping Out Flaming Ducks.

Granted this isn’t what one would refer to as a Joke by Traditional Standards as its Completely Absurd, Makes Absolutely No Logical Sense, and is Completely Void of Any and All Context. Whoever is Responsible for this Joke had a Very Eccentric Sense of Humor, Was Mentally Unwell, or Was Quite Intoxicated at the Time (Our Money is On Intoxicated be it Insanely Drunk, Higher Than Fuck, or Tripping Balls). No Matter the Reason the  Joke always makes Me Smile without Fail.

Henry Eats by Ben Wheele has some Similar Features as it Lacks any kind of Context, is rather Absurd, Kind of Oddly Creepy, and God Only Knows what the Point is or Even if there is One to Begin with. It’s Simply a Quirky Little Piece of Animation that’s Best to be Taken at Face Value. Enjoy.

Thanks for Watching,

  Brought to You By Les Sober

A Short Story With -No Working Title-

Once Upon a Time in the Small Village of Fuckery in the Province of Whorebitch lived a truly lovely Couple Kunt & Kunty Twat or The Twats as They were known in the Village.

Today was a Dark Day in the Twat Household as Their beloved and bit of an asshole Cat Mrs. Pickle Tits had in fact gone Tits Up during the Night. The Twats took the passing of Their cherished Feline especially hard since The Twats had always wanted to have Kids. Mrs. Twat had in deed gotten Pregnant Once.

       

The Night that She gave Birth having Eaten an Exorbitant amount of Canned Curry She thought Her Labor Pains were just a wicked case of Gaseous Indigestion and paid it No Mind.

After a Serious Bout of Busting Ass Mrs. Twat staggered  to the near by Bathroom to Vacate Her batshit Bowels. In all the confusion of  Mrs. Twat transforming into a one Woman Curry Fueled Shitnado had  failed to realize She had in fact given Birth at all. Mrs. Twat never having given Birth before  simply Didn’t Know what it felt like. Once Mrs. Twat had Flushed the Toilet, and stood up  She turned around (to take a sneak peek of Poop) just in time to see a Tiny Pair of Flailing Legs get Sucked Down the Drain.

       

(DO NOT FEAR DEAR READERS The Baby LIVED!!!  We will See The Baby AGAIN SOON!!! It’s Called Foreshadowing for Fuck’s Sake.)

So instead of trying to Bang Out another Baby The Twats decided to just get a Cat, and named it Mrs. Pickle Tits in Honor of Mr. Twats’s Dead Mother. Any Way Mrs. Pickle Tits had a Very Long and Illustrious Life of 27 Years, 27 Days to be exact with the Twats.

Mr. Twat as Per Mrs. Pickle Tit’s Last Will and Testament had Her Cremated, but having No Local Vet to help arrange the Cremation Mr. Twat preformed the Cremation by Himself in the Back Yard. Mr. Twat Removed the Grill from the BBQ, stacked a series of Logs in said BBQ, Placed Mrs. Pickle Tits on Top, Doused the entire thing in Highly Flammable Fluid, and Lit the son of a bitch up like the fucking Hindenburg. After 12 hours at a steady 2,700 Degrees Mrs. Pickle Tits was reduced to nothing but Ashes which Mr. Twat collected and placed in a Zip Lock Sandwich Baggie.

All that was Left now was for the Forlorn Twats to take the Long walk on the Cockstone Cobbled Medieval Road that ran through the Town that Ended when it reached  Mrs. Pickle Tit’s Beloved Open Bluffs. The Twats had a feeble Breakfast since They were in Morning before Mr. Twat put Mrs. Pickle Tits’s Ashes in His Pocket, and the Couple Headed Out to the Bluffs.

As The Couple Walked They passed by Many of the Villages Businesses and Shops that lined either side of the Ancient Village Lanes. There was Highball Haberdashery run by long time Friend of the Family Harry Balls, and there was Crotch Meats the Villages Butcher.

As The Twats walked farther On They Passed the Volunteer Non Profit “Mammograms for My Mammy!” Van parked on the Street giving Free Mammograms to any Villager who wanted One. Its true Once Village Resident Dick Fart had had one two many Pints down at the Villages finest (and only) Drinking Establishment The Rigorous Pig.  Proprietor and Sole Bartender of the Rigorous Pig Leland Lush’s family had been running for 17 Generations.

       

Well After Wild Night of Binge Drinking at The Pig (as The Locals Referred to the Pub) Dick Fart had really got a hell of a Drunk On as He really tied His Tits in Two that Particular Evening. Finally Leland cut Dick Off once and For all that Night He wondered onto the MMM Van and Drunkenly Demanded a Mammogram. So to Oblige The Drunk and Confused Mr. Fart the Technicians preformed a Mammogram using Mr. Phart’s Testicles in Lou of Breasts.

A few minutes into Their walk the Twats reached the Village’s Central Town Square where the Elderly Women of the Village spent Their Days sitting in the Sun Gossiping and Airing Out Their Crotches with the assistance of a Hand Fans. Mrs. Twat just so happened to see Her dearest Friend  Clitoris Coitus or Clitty as She was known in the Village sitting on in the Square Lazily fanning Her Crotch and bitching about Baking.

       

“Hello Clitty How are You Today?” Asked Mrs. Twat Politely in Passing.

“Oh Tis’ a dick of a Day so may as well fuck it.” responded Clitty crankily as the intensifying Heat of Summer had left Her Stink Ditch especially Sweaty.

“Ah Yes, Yes. Well We are off to Sprinkle Mrs. Pickle Tits’s Ashes over the Ocean from the Bluffs.” said Mrs. Twat who had become custom to ignoring Clitty’s obscene Life Lessons as the Couple resumed Their Walk to the Bluffs with Mrs. Pickle Tits’s Ashes in Tow.

The Twats had reached the Outskirts of the Village where the Octopus Processing Plant was located. You see Fuckery is the Number One Suppler of the World’s Octopus Spreed which was a delight  among Fans of Appetizers. Outside of the Processing Plant stood Jarvis Jerkoff (real last name Jeroff, but because He was know to be an asshole of a Human Being The Villager’s  reverted to calling Him Jerkoff instead) apparently pulling Crabs out of His ample Forrest of Pubic Hair. As The Twats passed by never taking Their eyes off the Odd Sexual Grooming underway by Jerkoff.

At one Point Jerkoff took notice of the Couple strolling by, and Glared with utter contempt at Them.

“You wanna save some Crabs for Your Dastardly Dinner You Pickled Pair of Pricks?!” Snarled Jerkoff seething with Disgust.

It was bad enough The Twats had just lost Their Precious Pet, but now having to take shit from Jerkoff the Village Jerk Off was too much for Mr. Twat to bare. What Jerkoff didn’t know was Mr. Twat was ExMilitary having Served 17 Years in the Queen’s Army, and so He was trained in all varieties of Combat. Mr. Twat without saying a thing, without uttering a single Syllable kicked Jerkoff squarely in His crooked cock which Mr. Twat followed up with then pulling Jerkoff’s pimply Scrotum up over His head.

       

Jerkoff completely blinded by His severely stretched out ball bag, and in a good amount of Pain from the Kick putting a King Sized Kink in His cock as well staggered around like a Drunken Zombie. Mr. Twat then proceeded to Grab Jerkoff and flip Him Ass over Elbows while holding Him around the waist, and before Poor Old Jerkoff knew what Hit Him Mr. Twat executed a flawless Text Book Pile Driver upon the already Hurt and Humiliated Jerkoff.

The incredible impact from the Pile Driver sent a Geyser of Violent Diarrhea Pungent Smelling Piss, and a fucked up Fountain of Jizz to explode forth from Mr. Jerkoff up to Eight Feet in the Air. The Twats continued on leaving the Unconscious Jarvis Jerkoff lying in a Pool of His own assorted Bodily Fluids.

       

Once the Twats had arrived at Their destination Mr. Twat removed the plastic sandwich Baggie containing Mrs. Pickle Tits’s Ashes as the Two prepared for the Final Farewell. Just as the Twats were almost finished Praying and were about to cast Mrs. Pickle Tits’s Ashes out over the Ocean They heard a noise. The noise was coming from the Cliff that rose a staggering 1,200 feet above the Ocean to form the exact Bluff They were standing on.

All of a sudden a Large, Webbed hand appeared over the Cliff Line followed by yet Another. The Two webbed Hands took hold of the Earth and with great effort and skill hoisted the rest of the Individual’s body up from the Cliff Face onto the Bluff itself. The Twats found Themselves staring in totally disbelief directly at a Real Life Merman sitting now before Them.

“It is I Otto AquaPoon Your Long Lost Son that was accidentally flushed down the Toilet into the Open Ocean. There a Clan of Merpeople found Me Floating Aimlessly on the Waves, and took Me in as One of Their Own.” announced The Merman with Gusto.

        

“Well it’s nice to see aside from the Dreadful Accident things worked out well for You Son.” said Mrs. Twat still in the Throws of Shock and Awe.

“You look to be a Fine Strapping Young Man outside of being Half Fish.” pointed out Mr. Twat doing the best He could to keep His shit together.

“IT IS NO ACCIDENT that TODAY I have returned to find You here. I’ve been watching You from the Wake and I Know Your here because your Dear Kitty Mrs. Pickle Tits has met Her demise. I am here to give Her the one thing You never gave me a Happy Existence.” said Otto Aquapoon confidently in a somewhat Ominous Tone.

Aquapoon snatched Mrs. Pickle Tits’s Ashes from His Father and regurgitated a healthy amount of Ocean Water into the Sandwich Baggie containing the Dead Cat’s Ashes. He took a minute to insure the ashes and Open water had thoroughly mixed before removing the Now Clay life Contents and sculpting an exact replica of Mrs. Pickle Tits. Once the Sculpture was complete Poontangler forcefully removed one of His Merman Scales, ground it up in His hands, and using a Reed like a Straw Blew the ground Up Merscale directly up Mrs. Pickle Tits’s ass.

        

Mrs. Pickle Tits immediately sprung back to Life completely Healthy and Happy. The Twats couldn’t believe the Resurrection of Their moments ago Deceased Cat. Before the Twats could even begin to comprehend what the hell had just taken place Poontangler dressed Them once again.

“Your Cat had Returned to You as I Promised. Now Father got Home and Shit Yourself Sane. Mother I want You to go Home as well Before I have to Slap You Sane.” summarized Poontangler who at the end of His sentence dove Back into the Briny Deep Never to be Seen Again.

The Befuddled Twats took  Mrs. Pickle Tits Home with Them where They had a Cup of Tea, a Shot of Brandy, and then Went to Bed.

      

(What I told You the Kid DIDN’T DIE, and that We’d SEE HIM AGAIN SOOn. I didn’t say it be a Happy ass Hallmark Ending did I?!  No I Didn’t.)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (30/365)

“You see the Old Timer in the Tweet Hat with the Classic Wild West Mustache? Well He showed up first and went strait after the first Staff Member he Laid eyes on. That unfortunate Soul was the Hipster Vegan looking Guy with the fucking Clip Board.”reported the Stranger before indulging in another Long Sip of Fortified Wine.

“I’m calling that Old Dude Tweedy He reminds Me of Someone’s fucking Grandfather who also happened to an AlcoholicYou know He shows up at Family functions already half fucking lit. Then after a few additional Cocktails He’s off to the Races Ranting and Raving about anything and everything under the fucking Sun. Now You see the Two Old Biddies there flanking Tweedy? Those Two showed up 10 minutes into Tweedy’s Tirade about Crappy Customer Service, and the Death of The Service Industry as a Whole.” said The Stranger observingly as He leaned back on the Stool balancing precariously on the Verge of Falling flat on His ass.

        

“The Two Old Biddies are like Tweedy’s Calvary They just happened to be near by and decided to insert Themselves into the Scenario” continued the Stranger, ” They don’t have a point or argument of Their own like Sharks smelling Blood in the Water They heard the Chaos and Jumped on in. The Old Biddies are acting as Tweedy’s unoffical Cheer Leaders if You will back or agreeing with every word that comes out of His Mouth. I don’t think this is a money Issue I think its an Age Issue.”

“Age issue? What kind of Age issue is this then exactly I’m not sure I see what You’re saying.” Lee said with the Honesty of a Child.

      

“Yeah its an Age issue I’m telling You. Tweedy and His posse are actually Mad that They’re Old, and the World has Changed as Society Evolved. It’s gotten Overwhelming to Them at this point in Their Lives. They just want to vent Their frustration about Growing Old and to be Heard. People have a shitty habit of Generally ignoring Their Elders.” The Stranger said Sympathetically, ” Then when People do actual stop to talk to an Elder They talk to Them condescendingly like They’re a fucking 3 year Old. Its Revoltingly Disrespectful You ask me.They Show represents the Dawn of the New Day something Unknown and Scary to Them. Thus that makes the $3 a symbolic way of Reclaiming the Past Reclaiming Their Youth that They had Lost to Father Time.”

“Funny how I’ve often thought the same thing about how Our Society writes off the Elderly with total Disrespect. It’s a fucking Insult on so any Levels.” replied Lee as He found Himself feeling an acute Empathy for the Elderly all of a sudden.

       

“They Call Me Dizzy,” the Stranger said introducing Himself at last, “This Little Life Drama has about run its course, and They’re all just Jabbering away in Circles at this point. It’s a Classic fucking Stalemate so You want to get a Beer?”

Stay Tuned Kiddies for Tomorrow’s Breath Taking Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (31/365)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Internet Challenges For The Asinine to The Insane

Let’s fucking face it Internet Challenges are absolutely Stupid. Back in My younger days we did dumb shit, but it was Vandalizing shit with Spray Paint, Smoking a little Pot, Drinking a few Underage Beers, or some outlandish SkateBoard Trick Stunt.

We didn’t sit in front of a screen filming Ourselves Eating fucking Tide Pods, Dousing Ourselves in Flammable Fluid, Jumping out of Moving Cars to Dance next to Them, or any of the moronic shit that Kids are doing these days to Go Viral (the Overnight Ticket to Fame and Fortune that requires No Actual Work, Effort, Intelligence or Skill to Accomplish. Just act like an Idiot and get other Idiots to watch that’s all there is to it.

        

Internet Challenges are Providing the Path to the De-evolution of the Human fucking Race. These Challenges aren’t just ridiculously Dumb they are in reality making Your Children DUMBER by the Day. If a  Teen is watching these Viral YouTurd Videos, and decides to participate in one (with No  Sense of Self Preservation or Personal Safety) than Your Child has Officially become a Social Media Lemming. Congratulations Kill Yourself.

So After reading about Viral Videos of Internet Challenges and all the Assholes and Idiots who blindly follow this insanely Ignorant Trend wrote some of My Own Sarcastically out of growing Frustration. Society is Sliding Headlong into the Shitter.

       

WARNING:  IF YOUR NOT READING THIS THEN ITS DEFINITELY WRITTEN FOR YOU!!!

DO NOT TRY OR ATTEMPT TO RECREATE ANY OF THE FOLLOWING FAKE CHALLENGES!!!

       

YOU WILL GET HURT!!!

YOU COULD END UP PERMANENTLY DISABLED/DISFIGURED!!!

YOU COULD FUCKING DIE!!!

       

AND SINCE THE PEOPLE WHO TAKE THESE CHALLENGES DISREGARD THEIR OWN SAFETY TO BEGIN WITH AT LEAST CONSIDER THIS BEFORE DOING OR TRYING ANYTHING:

IT WON’T GO VIRAL, NONE OF THESE ARE REAL CHALLENGES, YOU WILL NOT GET CREDIT, ACKNOWLEDGEMENT, OR ATTENTION. YOU WILL JUST FUCK YOURSELF OVER.

AGAIN FOR THOSE NOT PAYING ATTENTION WHEN THEY DAMN WELL SHOULD, DO NOT TRY OR ATTEMPT ANY OF THIS DANGEROUS/DEADLY FAKE CHALLENGE BULLSHIT POSTED HERE.

THE POINT IS SHIT LIKE INTERNET CHALLENGES ARE DANGEROUS AND FUCKING DUMB, JUST DON’T TRY ANY PERIOD.

       

Internet Challenges for The Asinine to The Insane:

The Vlad Challenge: Named after Vlad The Impaler. Get a 9′-12′ (foot ) Large Wooden Pole with a Circumference of 10″-12″(Inches). Then fashion on end of Pole into a Sharp Point. Now have Several of Your good Friends grab the Blunt end of the Pole. Position the Point directly at the center of asshole. Have Friends ram Pole as far as They can up Your ass. Once that is done have Your Friends Hoist You up into a 90 degree angle while securing the base of the Pole in a Freshly dug Post Hole. Once everything is done and in place have Your Friends Take and Circulate (on Social Media) a Photo with the Hashtag #Dracula.

The Shitway Sandwich Challenge: Get a Foot Long Sandwich Bun. Slice and hold Open. Place a 12 Inch Turd on/in Sandwich Roll. See How Much You can Eat before realizing Your Eating a SHIT SANDWICH!        

Boozy Butt Chug Challenge: Get 1 Beer Funnel, 1 750ml Bottle of the Liquor of Your choice, and Lube which is Optional. Assume Your Butt Chug stance and insert End of Funnel into Rectum. Slowly Pour Liquor into Funnel. Extremest Credit for “Making It a Double” which is Butt Chugging Two 750ml Liquor Bottles worth of Alcohol with Your Ass.

The Golden Shower Challenge: Locate Someone. Pee on Them. Bonus Points for Peeing Beginning to End.

The Fisting Your FartBox Challenge: Get a Your choice of Lube. Make a Fist. Heavily Coat Fist and Forearm down to the Elbow. Insert Fist into Your own Ass. Double Points for Double Fisting.  Extremely Credit for preforming Said Challenge Dry (Lose The Lube).

        

I Eat Cock Challenge: Buy a Dildo and decorate by glueing Chicken Feathers, Fake Feet, Beak, Googly Eye, and Cock’s Comb (The fleshing strip of skin on a Rooster’s Head) to the Dildo. Now Eat from Tip to Testis (Testicles)  or as Much as You possibly can. WARNING EATING A DILDO DRESSED AS A ROOSTER PRESENTS A VERY SERIOUS AND REAL GAGGING ISSUE.

The Thumbtack Challenge: Acquire Standard Size Trampoline and Cover with Thumb Tacks until You can’t see the top of the Trampoline. Bounce on Trampoline for 15 minutes non stop. Count Number of Thumbtacks You pull Out of Your Body. Video with Highest Number Wins!

The 101 Challenge: This one is Simple. Film Yourself punching Yourself as Hard as You can in the Crotch 101 times. This Challenge is applicable to BOTH Men & Women. Don’t want to be Sexist.

       

The MUNG Challenge: This one Takes BALLS and is only for the most HARDCORE Challenge Taker. At Midnight go to Grave Yard with Shovel, a Pocket Knife, and a Friend. Dig Up a Corpse thats at Least 6 months to a Year Old.  Place Your mouth over the Corpse’s Mouth (You may have to cut some Stitching holding the Corpses’s Mouth Shut) like Your performing CPR. Now have Friend back up from the Bodie about 20-25 yards or so. Next have Your Friends run as fast as They can towards the Corpse, and then once They have reached it Jump directly onto its Abdomen. Eat/Swallow/Ingest the Contents that are expelled from the Corpse’s Mouth. Then Say “MMM Tastes like Chicken!”

        

The Purple Nurple Zoo Challenge: Go to Nearest Zoo. Select Animal and enter its Enclosure. Once inside locate said Animal give it a Two Handed Purple Nurple. More Points the Bigger and More Dangerous the Animal.

The Fire Crotch Challenge: Using any method You like entirely Shave You Genitals using ONLY FIRE. You can use a Lighter, Match, Blowtorch, Hovering over a Camp Fire whatever works.

The CooCoo’s Nest Challenge: Get Yourself committed to a Mental Institution for the Criminally Insane (WITHOUT HURTING ANYONE OR YOURSELF IN ANY WAY & WITHOUT BREAKING THE LAW!), and then Get Yourself Released by being Certified “Sane”.

        

Don’t Drop The Soap Challenge: Get Arrested for either Public Drunkenness, Public Urination, or Disturbing the Peace (NOTHING VIOLENT & NO FELONIES BOTH ARE GROUNDS FOR DISQUALIFICATION) Then go take a Shower in the Jail’s Communal Shower. Once there are at least 3-5 Other inmates in the Shower with You drop the Soap, and Bend Over to pick It Up. Whoever avoids being Raped Wins.

Montezuma’s Revenge Challenge: Get The Hottest Hot Sauce You can Find Legally. Buy Enema Kit. Go Home and Load Enema with HotSauce and Administer. Points Graded upon Hot Sauce’s Scoville Scale  (used to Gauge Potency of Peppers based on concentration of Capsaicin)

The Cheek to Cheek Challenge: Twerk with a Willing Person’s Face planted firmly between Your Ass Cheeks. The Longest Twerk Routine Wins. Extra Points if You Leave Skid Marks on The Persons Face.

       

Brushing Your Teeth Challenge: Use Any and All Abrasive Item(s) to Brush Your Teeth like a Wire Brush, Grill Scraper, Flat Cheese Grater, Belt Sander etc. Additional Score for Flossing the Same Way say with Piano Wire, Razor Wire, Barbed Wire, Piece of a Shredded Beer Can etc. THE BLOODIER THE BETTER.

The Bear Hug Challenge: Buy 15-20 Steaks from Grocery Store, 15-20 Carabiners, and a Length of Chain long enough to fashion a large necklace style Loop (Think Flavor Flav). Next stick a a Steak onto each Carabiner and then attached Carabiner to Chain Necklace. Go Out into the Wild (NO CHEATING BY GOING TO ZOO OR CIRCUS) and find the Biggest Bear You can. Once You have Spotted the Bear run up to it and give it the Biggest Bear Hug You Can. Whoever of those who don’t DIE the winner will be decided based on the number of remaining Steaks attached to the Participants Chain Necklace.

        

The Guiser Challenge: First find an actual functioning Guiser. Then sit down on top of said Guiser, and wait for it to Erupt. When it Erupts as You going flying 100’s of feet through the Air Say “I Can See My House From Here!” Grand Champion Crown for Anyone who pulls this Challenge off using Old Faithful.

The Toxic Shock Challenge: Buy a Box of Assorted Tampons(Women AND MEN again No Sexism Here all Punters can Play). Select the Heavy Flow Tampons from the Pack. Insert Tampon in Vagina or Ass if You’re a Man then Add One (without removing any previously inserted Tampons) each following Day for a Month. If You can without getting Sick You Win.

Roadkill Tartare Challenge: Find a FRESH piece of Roadkill Animal Carcass of Your Choice. Cut a Big Enough Piece to Be fashioned into a Large Hamburger Patty. Go Home, form Roadkill Meat into Burger (best way is to Grind It or just take it for a spin in the Blender), and Film Yourself Eating It. Whoever has the HIGHEST PARASITE COUNT AT THE END OF THE CHALLENGE IS THE CHAMP.

        

So thats all I have for Now, but You’ll more than likely see Another Similar Post with more STUPID FUCKING SOCIAL MEDIA STUNTS VERY SOON.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (17/365)

Goddamnit! Lee thought not because He was moments away from being seriously fucking Fired by a Furious Fran or anything like that. Lee was annoyed because Fran was going interfere with Him getting to see the Conclusion of the Parking Lot Lunacy.

“LEE WHAT THE HOLY FUCK IS GOING ON?! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS WHAT THE FUCK AM I LOOKING AT?!!” Screamed Fran like a goddamn Airhorn. It wasn’t so much because He was infuriated, but mainly to be heard over the Sea of Sound in the Parking Lot.

      

“What the Hell Fran this shit is some act of God shit I didn’t fucking plan for this shit to happen for fuck’s sake.” said Lee indignantly even though He knew His firing would play out this way. Lee knew He would be unfairly held accountable for the insane shit that was far beyond His control in the first fucking place, but He’d be damned if He didn’t Go Out Swinging.

“How did you let this happen, and why did you let it get totally out of fucking control?” Demanded Fran who’s Blood Pressure was so high His face was flushed making Him look like He had a fucking 3rd degree Sunburn.

          

“They just showed up and jumped the shit out of Me. I was concerned that perhaps the Little Old Lady at the Door was perhaps a tad senile and might be lost. I unlocked the Door to see if She need assistance, and Her Anti-Porn Posse shoved Their way in. Next fucking thing I know Their fucking rioting and wrecking the Joint.”Lee replied matter of factly as He stood His ground.

“Well goes without saying that as of this moment You’re fucking Fired. Give Me Your Key.”said Fran through clenched Teeth now on the verge of having a Full Blown Stroke.

        

Lee figured fuck it there wasn’t any point in arguing since He didn’t actually give a shit about the Job, and has thoroughly enjoyed the Events of the Day. Lee took the Shop Key off His Keyring and tossed it lamely in Frans direction before getting in His Car. As Lee drove off (down Route 22 to the Prospects of a Better Job to come) He shot a quick glance in His review mirror to get a final look at the Spectacular Sex Shop Showdown, and Smiled with Satisfaction.

Stay Tuned Kids for Tomorrows Enticing Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (18/365)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Pennington is SO Shitty………

Just to clarify a few things. First Pennington is a real place. I will NOT disclose anymore than that when it comes to its Geographical Location. If anyone thinks it may be an accidental slip that I’m using an actual name of a Place it is Not. If anyone still thinks I might have divulged a piece of Personal Info I welcome those Readers to go Google Pennington. And Good Luck with that.

Pennington falls in the confines of Spacedog and My old stomping ground and as You can see by the title We don’t hold it in high regard. So one night around 2am SpaceDog and I started a Duel Slam Session featuring Pennington as Our subject matter.

Alright the set up is “Pennington is SO Shitty…” followed by an Insult at Pennington’s Expense. It’s Their fault really for being so Ungodly Shitty.

This Post is laid out a bit differently from the previous Text Posts. I will write the set up once at the beginning, and then use Dot Dot Dot (…) so I don’t have to write (and You won’t have to Read) “Pennington is so shitty” god knows how many fucking times.

LASTLY IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED PLEASE READ ANOTHER ONE OF OUR POSTS AND SKIP THIS ONE. You’ll be doing Us BOTH a Favor.

      

SpaceDog: Holy shit that’s small. Damn shitty ass little Pennington has like 1000 times more people.

Les: True but Pennington is Cunty.

SpaceDog: Pennington…the town so shitty that even Priests say fuck these assholes.

Les: Pennington is so shitty :FBF  (a girl both SpaceDog and I knew) wouldn’t have an abortion there…

…Trump wouldn’t grab a pussy there.

…Courtney Love wouldn’t OD there.

SpaceDog: U on a roll LOL. Pennington is so shitty the pull people over for smoking cigarettes in their vehicles. I’m braindead so u get shitty facts from me at this point LOL.

       

Les: Pennington is so shitty Yen Latch (Yet another Girl both of Us knew who is now a white trash alcoholic) wouldn’t drink there…

… Ivy Savage couldn’t handle it.  (Ivy is yes another Female SpaceDog and I have both had the distinct displeasure of knowing who fancied herself the LOCAL HARDCORE PUNK ROCK AUTHORITY)

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty Ivy Savage uses her real name there.

Les: Pennington is so shitty Steve Bannon wouldn’t host a White Nationalist Nazi Rally there.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty aunt becky wouldn’t pay bribes to get her kid into collage there.

Les: LOL You out Ivy’d me. Pennington is so shitty Sarah Sanders WOULD go there.

        

SpaceDog: Penningto n is so shitty sarah sanders would tell the truth there.

Les: Pennington is so shitty Octomom wouldn’t strip there.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty that if trump wanted to build a wall around it Mexico WOULD pay for it…

…Their official mascot is a suicide victim.

Les: Pennington is so shitty Crack Dealers won’t deal there…

… it makes Wilmington Delaware look like Las Vegas.

… the Residents only Birth Control method needed is the fact they live in Pennington.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty it makes lituspjotaholmaflogur look properly spelled.

        

Les: Pennington is so shitty Lindsey Graham wouldn’t rape a Farm Animal there.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty micheal jackson doesn’t molest boys there.

Yeah duh late…food coma which never would have happened in Pennington…mostly because people bottom out there.

Pennington is so shitty I’ve never eaten there.

Les: Pennington is so shitty Jeffery Epstein wouldn’t traffic underage Sex Slaves there…

…Crack Whores avoid it like a Police Station.

…You call the Cops there and they tell you to go get fucked.

… It’s Tucker Carlson’s Home Town.

…Fox News won’t broadcast there.

       

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty don jr is moving there.

Les:Pennington is so shitty Fred Phelps wouldn’t be buried there…

… All They Eat is Ass.

SpaceDog:Pennington is so shitty karen carpenter WOULD eat there…

…That all movies depicting suicide are required to play there.

Les: Pennington is so shitty it smells like a fucking manure fire…

…Dogs won’t piss on their Fire Hydrants .

…It’s like living in a massive Port-A-Potty 24 fucking 7.

…”Pennington is so shitty” it’s abbreviated is PISS.

        

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty they’re opening a new kmart there…

…Their idea of a breakfast buffet is a albino midget throwing egg yolks at people.

Les: Pennington is so shitty They use Diarrhea as Lube.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty the only available birth control is thoughts and prayers.

Les: Pennington is so shitty GG Allin wouldn’t play there.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty that mass shooters wind up putting the first bullet in their own heads.

Les: Pennington is so shitty Their idea of Fine Dining is GAs Station Sushi and a Bottle of Maddog 20/20.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty their surf and turf special is someone’s goldfish and a whopper junior.

          

Les: Pennington is so shitty Their idea of a Vacation is living inTheir Cars at Highway Rest Stops…

…Truckers don’t hook up with the local Lot Lizards.

…No One builds Meth Labs there.

…They’re still listening to Limp Bizkit.

… Their Little League Team is the Pennington Shitheals.

SpaceDog:Pennington is so shitty Dick Minninninninninn (a world class fuckwit We both knew) moved there for a year and left looking like this *Picture of Prolapsed Asshole Sent*…

…Their official yule log is just a giant horse shit.

Les: Well the ugly fucker deserved it the unwiped asshole. Pennington is so shitty it’s the Fruit Cake of Towns…

…Will make You chronically Constipated.

…It’s the Birth Place of IBS.

       

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty even rats won’t live there.

Les: Pennington is so shitty its mascot is a fucking Dung Beatle…

…It’s official Flag is just a Giant Asshole.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty that the only trendy resident there is inflatable…

…Its were vegans go to die.

…it will give you toxic fucking shock syndrome.

Les: Pennington is so shitty Tyler Perry shoots Medea movies there.

…Kid Rock is Their fucking Home Town Hero.

…Their Prom theme was The Solid Waste Authority.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty that steve harvey would be their least fucking annoying resident.

      

Les: Pennington is so shitty Slumber Hills (a Flea Bag Flop House for Whores and Junkies in SpaceDog and My home town) wouldn’t move there…

…They gave Howie Mandel the Key to the City.

…Dave Coulier Shows Sell Out.

…Scammers from India won’t call there.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty that when oprah shot there her book of the month was just a roll of toilet paper…

…That when bad people die they don’t go to hell they spend fucking eternity in Pennington.

Les: Pennington is so shitty all the Photos hung in Local Business like Restaurants and Laundry Mats are of the Cast of The Jersey Shore…

…Their Hospital is a CVS Minute Clinic.

…It hosts an Annual Hemorrhoid Festival.

        

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty women living there consider being called a cunt a compliment.

Les: Pennington is so shitty They still use AOL…

…It has the Highest concentration of Proctologists in the entire fucking Country.

…North Korea feels bad for it.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty their idea of a terrific fucking tv show is God Friended Me…

…Toilet Paper is considered a luxury item.

Les: Pennington is so shitty when You turn the faucet on Natty Ice Light comes out…

…STDs are afraid They’ll catch something.

        

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty it’s illegal to smoke anything except PCP…

…Bill Cosby gets consent there.

Les: Pennington is so shitty the only Cell Phone Service Provider is fucking Sprint…

…Their Baseball Team is Sponsored by The National Flakka Alliance.

…ISIS wouldn’t send a Suicide Bomber there.

…They take Bath Salts and Eat Their own Faces.

PENNINGTON IS SO SHITTY WE CAN’T TALK SHIT ABOUT IT ANYMORE.

        

Brought To You By,

 Les Sober

 SpaceDog

Working Out With Words: An Exercise In Intelligent Absurdity

Its that time of Year Folks. Time for the Washington Post’s MENSA INVITATIONAL once again.

Members of the Public  are invited to take ANY WORD from the Dictionary. The the Public was asked to ALTER THE WORD They picked by Adding, Subtracting, OR by Change One Letter.

Once the Word is Altered the Person must PROVIDE A NEW DEFINITION for the Altered Word.

 

Obviously We love Words We’re Writers. Words are the preverbal Tools of The Trade as “They”say. Words can Build Kingdoms or Destroy Empires. Without Words Mankind would live in a Silent World of Primitive Charades accented by Grunts.

Absurdity is a Extremely Versatile Tool it can Be Used for Creativity or Mockery. It allows the Reader to See things from FAR DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES that were invisible to said reader Prior to Reading.

We fully believe the Cliche “The Pen is Mightier Than The Sword” because You Can’t Kill Written Ideas, Thoughts, or Concepts nearly as easily as a Singular Human Being.

So without a Further Edu Here are 17 THE WINNERS of The Washington Post’s MENSA INVITATIONAL 2019 in No Particular Order.

   

  • Cashtration (n): The act of Buying a House, which renders the Subject Finically Impotent for a Indefinite Period of Time.
  • Ignoranus: A Person who’s BOTH Stupid and an Asshole
  • Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a Tax Refund which lasts until You realize it was YOUR MONEY TO START WITH.
  • Reintarnation: Coming Back to Life as a Hillbilly.
  • Bozone (n): The Substance surrounding Stupid People that stops Bright Ideas from Penetrating. The Bozone Layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of Breaking Down in the Near Future.
  • Foreploy: Any Misrepresentation about Yourself for the Purpose of getting Laid.
  • Giraffitit: Vandalism Spray Painted VERY, VERY HIGH.
  • Sarchasm: The Gulf between the Author of Sarcastic Wit and the Person Who DOESN’T GET IT.
  • Inoculatte: To take Coffee Intravenously when You are Running Late.
  • Osteopornosis: A Degenerate Disease (This one got Extra Credit as it Should)
  • Karmageddon:Its ike when Everybody is sending off all these really Bad Vibes, right? And then. like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious Bummer.
  • Decafalon (n): The Grueling Event of getting through the Day consuming ONLY Things that are Good for You.
  • Glibido: All Talk and NO Action.
  • Doppeler Effect: The Tendancy of Stupid Ideas to seem Smarter when They come at You Rapidly.
  • Arachnoleptic Fit (n): The Frantic Dance preformed just after You’ve accidentally walked through a Spider’s Web.
  • Beelzebug (n): Satan in the Form of a Mosquito, that gets into Your Bedroom at 3 in the Morning and CONNOT be Cast Out.
  • Caterpallar (n): The color You turn after finding half a Worm in the Fruit You’re Eating.
  •    

This List is a SPLENDID EXAMPLE of What is Possible When One isn’t Possessed by Social Media or Flappy Dappy Doodle Crush. Thinking IS an Exercise NO ONE wants to do Now a Days. Its all Point Click Stare Blankly at for Hours. Its the reason I sign off EACH POST with “Thanks for Reading” because it not just about Reading MY POST, But just Reading in General as opposed to Asinine App.

 

Thanks for Reading,

   Brought to You By Les Sober

I’ve Been With My Wife 12 Years & Don’t Know Her Name So What?!

I was never aware of the fact until one day like another I was standing in my neighbor Joe Bob Billy Bob Jr.’s driveway shooting the shit and drinking some beers. We were taking a brief moment in our conversation (to stare menacingly in contempt and utter disgust at a mutually disliked neighbor’s house) when out of the blue Joe Bob Billy Bob up and out right asked me what my wife’s name is. This question gave me reason to pause because it was such a simple question that at first I could only look at Joe Bob Billy Bob with vacant eyes and questioning face. I suppose it was for that reason Joe Bob Billy Bob decided it was best to elaborate a bit more upon his question. Joe Bob Billy Bob reminded me that we have been  friends for 15 years or so now and during those 15 years whenever I talked about my wife I would always refer to her as just that, my wife and seemed to never use her real name. Finally Joe Bob Billy Bob’s curiosity which had grown constantly through the years as to way exactly I never called my wife by her name in conversation, and felt compelled at this point to ask why that was. I took a long drawl off of my beer and then told Joe Bob Billy Bob since he asked I’d have no problem providing an explanation for him.

Well you see I told Joe Bob Billy Bob when it comes to women I am insanely shy and quite nervous to say the least. When I realized this wonderfully wicked woman was interested in dating me (and it took forever and a day until I became aware of my Wife’s intentions were romantic)  I was extremely excited and very anxious to say the least. It was due to this initial anxiety when my Wife and I started dating that a week into our relationship I realized I had no idea what her name actually was. Luckily for me due to the fact I’m better with faces then with names (point being it’ll take me a while to learn a persons name) I had given her a nickname right from the get go. So I had to make a judgement call should I get force fed a entire Humble Pie and ask her real name OR I could stick with the nickname game and see what happens. I decided to go with the later.

Immediately as soon as I was done talking Joe Bob Billy Bob announced with great conviction that he was calling Bullshit so I was inclined to ask on what grounds. Joe Bob Billy Bob stated he was calling Bullshit because when we got married we had to exchange vows at which point I would HAVE to have learned her proper name, and thusly from that point on my initial argument is moot. Not so I replied for when we were exchanging vows I was so nervous all I could hear was the sound of my own heart pounding in my ears ,BUT thanks to plenty of rehearsals I was able to fly on auto pilot as They say.

At this point Joe Bob Billy Bob obviously didn’t believe me in the least and knew my story was absolute bullshit, BUT he had no proof what so ever which left a small amount of doubt in his mind that maybe just maybe as crazy as my story sounded it could actually be true. As I started walking back to my house I said “My Wife told me to tell you to stop by and don’t be a stranger.”