Tag: absurdity

Smeldy pulled into the Last Parking Space in the entire Parking Lot Not by choice mind you, but because there simply wasn’t anywhere else He could have possibly Park. To say Smelly detested Shopping would be the understatement of the Millennium as Smedly HATED IT. He Hated it with every fucking fiber of His being. It was the actual act of Shopping that enraged Him so it was all the Other Shoppers that were the source of Smedly’s Anti-Shopping Hate.

This was a ongoing Theme in Smedly’s Life. Smedly for all intents and purposes Despised People and the Humanity in General. This was why Smedley didn’t Drive unless He had to He loved Driving itself, But again it was all the Other Drivers that sucked the fun out for Him. Also and for the same Reason Smedly avoided Sports Bars which tended to be Crowded, Loud, and Full of Personality Types He found despicable (The Sports Fanatic the one’s who refer to their favorite Team as “Our Team” or the Overly Macho Frat Boy Types that use Sports as a Reason to Binge Drink. Lastly Smedly hated Eat in Public as He had a serious and extreme aversion to People looking or Staring at Him especially when He was Eating.

The Trend of 24 Hour Big Box Stores such as Walmart for example were a Godsend for Smedly as it alleviated the Other Shoppers Issue. He could walk right in and move freely around the Store collecting His purchases in relative Peace. The Only other living Souls in the Entire Place where a COuple of Cashiers, and the Overnight Stocking Crew. Smedly found this pleasing as He could conduct His entire shopping trip without seeing a single other Human Being it was almost like He was the Last Man On Earth (the idea of which suited Smedly just fine).

Unfortunately Today Smedly was in Dire need of Assorted Odds and Ends, and it just so happened to be the Weekend which meant everyone and Their fucking Mothers were Off work and Running Errands all damn Day Long. Smedly sighed as He walked briskly towards the Glutton’s Grocery Store in anticipation of the Fresh Hell lying in wait for Him inside. Smedly was a Typical Commando Shopper. This in part was what made the act of Shopping during Normal Business Hours so Miserable for Smedly. A Commando Shopper has a short and concise list of a Handful of Purchases that They need to make, and They retrieve them quickly as humanly possible. Once the Purchase have been collected the Commando Shopper makes a Direct B-line towards the Nearest Cashier with Payment Method in Hand enabling them to Check out Quickly as They Can.

Smelly hit the Front Door like a fucking out of control Battering Ram and was immediately met with a Variable Sea of Shoppers. As Smedly scanned the Store just after entering in Contempt as The Shopping Scene He was about to Enter into was definitely as Big a Pain in the Ass as He had thought it would be. It appeared the Entire Population of the State was out doing Their Weekly Shopping Smedly thought to Himself angrily. Smedly set off delving into the Ocean of Consumers as He devised an optimal Shopping Strategy to Assist in making this Shopping Trip Less Hellish than it had to be.

Smedly decided to Start in the Dairy department since He needed some Milk and then He would work His way across the Store to the Other side picking up what He needed on the Way. Smedly was having trouble navigating through the Herd of Shoppers as They wondered aimlessly around the Store utterly oblivious to Their surroundings. The Principle for success was the same in Auto Racing Smedly thought to Himself Angrily. Like in Auto Racing the Key to getting a Head is locating an opening in-between Your Opponent that You can squeeze through to get ahead.

Smedly reached the Dairy case only to find the Part of the Dairy case that Housed the Milk was currently being blocked by a Self Absorbed Soccer Mom with a Full Cart and Several unruly Children Running amok as She idols chatted on Her Cell Phone. Patience was a Virtue that Smedly was sadly Born without so it took only a brief moment before Smedly lost His temper succumbing to His Growing Frustration. Smedly announced Loudly to No One in particular that it was truly Amazing  how Self Centered People became when They were on Their goddamn Cell Phones. The Woman then annoyingly told whoever She was talking to to Hold on a minute, shot Smedly a Aggressive Stare that clearly read as “Eat Shit” before rounding up Her Children, and Finally getting the fuck out of the Way already.

Smedly snatched up a Gallon of Milk like a Hawk snatching it Prey right out of Thin Air. Next Smedly needed Eggs so He walked down to the Egg section of the Dairy Area where He was accosted by a Little Old Man who looked to be over a Hundred Years Old. As Smedly was inspecting Cartons of Eggs to insure none where cracked or in any other way Damaged The Little Old Man who was a complete Stranger moseyed over and stood right next to Smedly. The Old Man launched into a diatribe about how to properly select eggs, and that He grew up on a Farm, and that His father was a Farmer and His Father before Him. Smedly honestly didn’t want to be Rude as He felt guilty snapping at Senior Citizens inspect of Showing Them the Respect They Deserved. Smedly metaphorically almost Bit His Tongue in two Trying to keep His shit together. At last Smedly couldn’t stand the inane babbling of the Old Man and promptly told Him thank you for the helpful hints, and God Bless the Farmers before making a hasty exit.

Smedly circumvented the Store amassing His Purchases as best He could having to deal with Slow Old Ladys pushing over loaded Shopping carts full of canned Cat food, the Swarms of Aggitated Children Who’s Parents didn’t seem to give a fuck about how their kids acted especially in Public, the Idle Shoppers who stand periodically in front of the Selves staring intently at the Products as if They are expecting to Learn the meaning of Life, the Young Couples that wasted time and clogged up isles with Their over abundant displays of Affection, the Loners who walk down the isles like a Death Row Prisoner as They head to Execution, the cell phone shoppers that had to price compare every single item them purchase, the Cell Phone Zombies who come to complete standstill wherever They are and post up like a fucking a Volunteer Tree, and the Indecisive Shoppers that spend Their time taking items off the shelves only to look at it, and place it back on the shelf before removing yet another item over and over like their trapped in a fucking Loop.

The Line was occupationally long reminding Smedly of the Line at a Theme Park one of the Ones that You stand in for an Hour and a Half for a 3 minute ride. The Line inched along at a painfully slow pace which only served to irritate Smedly further. When Smedly felt He had reached full bullshit saturation (and was in real risk of creating a sense that would inevitable get Him banned for Life from the Store) He smartly asked the Young Man behind Him who was purchasing a 12 pack of PBR and a Frozen Pizza if He would hold His place in Line since He inconveniently had to Use the Bathroom which wasn’t an lie entirely. While Smedly didn’t actually need to Use the Bathroom He was headed there none the Less as the Bathroom was the only place Smedly could get a modicum of Silence and a small dose of Privacy.

As Smedly entered the Bathroom He became aware of some Hipster Business Man standing at the Urinal emptying His bladder while talking loudly on His Blue Tooth Ear Piece. Smedly had a special hate in His heart for Blue Tooth Ear Pieces which did serve a purpose when it came to Driver Safety outside of a Car though a Blue Tooth Ear Piece was Unnecessary and Asinine. Not only was this Guy jabbering away while using the Facilities He was waving His right arm around like a Air Traffic Controller with Wild abandon which almost lead to Him inadvertently smacking a few Shoppers as They made Their way to the Bathroom sinks. Smedly instantly judged then Man was an all around asshole, and Someone should fucking do something since this Guy obviously needed to be felt with. Smedly then accepted the fact that the person He was thinking of would have to be Him as No One else seemed to be Volunteering to do so.

Once the Bathroom was empty accept for the Two of Them Smedly slid up behind the Blue Tooth Guy and applied a chock hold that would make a Boa Constrictor Jealous. Smedly then dragged the shocked Blue Tooth Guy backwards into the Handicapped Stall. Once in the Stall Smedly frantically fidgeted with one hand to engage the Door Latch which He finally accomplished by almost breaking His wrist in the Process. Once the Door was Latched Smedly swung the Man around so He was facing the Toilet, and then pushed the Man down to His Knees still applying the Choke Hold like His life depended on it.  Then Smedly released the Choke Hold and using all of His strength and with His full weight behind it Shoved The Man’s face directly into the Toilet. The Man attempted to use His arms to keep from being slammed face first into the toilet bowl, but Smedly used His feet to stomp on the Man’s hands forcing Him to let go of the Toilet Seat.

To add insult to injury the Toilet had been apparently been used several times without being flushed so Once the Man’s face was submerged and He was struggling with all His Might Smedly decided to keep the MAn’s head pinned in the Toilet with His Foot to avoid the disgusting Mess. As Smedly stood there with His foot firmly planted on the back of the Man’s Head Smedly thought to Himself that the Drowning was taking longer than Usual, and that this Guy must have the Lung capacity of an Olympic Swimmer or some shit. Smedly was aware that His window of opportunity was closing as the Guy was making a great deal of noise and it was just a matter of time before another Shopper came in to vacate Their Bowels.

Smedly who had always been able to think on His feet realized what He had to do and do it fast. Smedly took His foot off on the back of the Man’s head for a split millisecond before bringing it down like a Sledge Hammer down at the Base of the Man’s Skull. The Man’s neck snapped with a loud Pop as if a Giant was cracking its knuckles, and the Mans arms dropped like a bad transmission as His body went limp. At last the Job was done and there was one less asshole in the world, well that’s how Smedly felt about in anyways. Smedly calmly Hoisted the Dead Man’s Lifeless Body up into the Seated position on the Toilet. He then pulled down the Man’s pants to sell the look that He wasn’t Dead, but using the Bathroom like any living Person. Smedly peaked out of the Stall to insure that coast os clear before exiting swiftly without making a sound like a Demon’s Whisper.

Smedly made His way back to His Cashier in the nick of time as He was Next in line. Smedly Thanked the Young Man for being cool enough to save His place for Him while He went to the Bathroom. The Young Man said it was no problem since it happens to everyone at least once in Their Lives. Smedly happily agreed as He paid the Cashier. With His purchases bagged up and in His Cart Smedly calmly left the Grocery Store, loaded the Groceries into His car, carefully shut the Trunk of His Car, hopped in, and Drove Off with a Smile on His Face feeling completely Stress Free.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober