Tag: adult novelties

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (12/365)

The rest of the Day was painfully slow at The Porn Shop with just a sparse handful of Walk Ins off the Street, but no real customers to speak of. The Owner Lee had been told upon His hiring that if Sales were Slow, and it was costing more money to stay open than was Cash coming through the Door to just Lock Up early and knock off early.

It was common sense and Lee rather not be stuck at the Job if there wasn’t anything going on since Battling Boredom was Lee’s primary goal in Life. It’s why He had decided to dedicate the rest of His days on Earth Observing Humanity for one reason and one reason only that being People if nothing else were quite Entertaining.

    

Lee had also adopted a Socrates approach to the rest of His Life which was He accepted (and also admit if and when need be) that He in fact didn’t know jack shit about a single goddamn thing. This way His Ego wouldn’t interfere with what Other People could Teach Him.

People Lee had found were willing (or felt compelled to) talk about subjects that They knew little to nothing about at Length. Lee found this occurrence fascinating and figured that People did it for One of Two reasons.

        

First off it was an obvious Social Pressure. No one wants to be Left out of the Loop, and No One wants to be the designated Office Idiot. The Other reason for the was phenomenon was Ego Driven. People simply felt that on some level They had to prove Their Knowledge or Intelligence to Others when the chance presented itself. Bottom Line in Lee’s onion was People just like to Hear Themselves talk while being paid attention too.

Lee got Himself ready to leave gathering up His belongings, Counting out His cash Drawer, Shutting Down the Shop  Computer, Sexting up whatever was needed for the following Day, and systematically shutting the lights off as He went. Everything was going smoothly, and uneventful. That was until Lee went to finish His final Closing Time Task of Locking The Front Door thats when things got REALLY Interesting.

      

Lee walked over to the Front Door with Keys in Hand ready to lock up and Leave when He noticed the Little Old Lady standing directly on the other side of the Glass Door. Even thought the Glass door like the few Shop windows were Tinted Heavily, but Lee could still see the facial features of the Little Old Ladies due to the fact She was standing so close to the Door Her nose was almost smushed up against it.

As He peered through he Door at the Old Woman the first thought that crossed Lee’s mind was that This was Definitely going to be something different. Again for the Second time that Day Lee felt the Surge of Curiosity well up inside of Him.

        

Stay Tuned Kiddies for Tomorrow’s Installment of Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher ( 13/365)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (5/365)

Lee looked over to catch a quick First Glimpse of the in coming Customer. As it turned out it was in fact was Two Young Gentlemen that looked to be in Their late 20’s, and who were locked in a heated debate over something They both seemed very animate about. Lee sat back and began His observations. Lee had a good feeling about these Two Guys, and anticipated  some quality Entertainment to get the Day off to a running start.

The Two Young Men headed strait to the Dildo Isle where Their argument became much more amplified as Each became more and more Frustrated with the Other. Lee opened a Copy of Some trashy Adult Novel and pretended to read it feigning an aloof ambivalence. This was a common Tactic Lee used to hide the fact He was now Ease Dropping on Shoppers just like He was with these Two Young Men.

   

“Well We can fucking Narrow it Down by Illuminating all the ones that look as Fake, We need to stick to Realism because not even a Psychotic Cannibalistic Necrophiliac would have a Giant Purple Double Headed Cock So there You have it.” Said the Young Guy wearing a pair of Beat Up Sneakers, Old Worn Out Jeans, and a Faded well worn Misfits T-shirt as He relentlessly scanned the Dildo Display (back and forth from End to End) with an intense 1,000 Yard Stare.

“I know BUT look at the fucking prices They’re charging for Fake Rubber Dicks its fucking Really Ridiculous. All I’m saying is I hope these fucking things last just short of Forever for the Price People are Paying.” replied the Second Young Guy in the Camouflage Cargo Shorts, Napalm Death Concert T-shirt, and a pair of Knock Off Crocs.

   

“Look Shane I know money is always an issue with Lester, BUT He goddamn is well aware this will be an unforeseen additional cost. I mean He’s the fucking Director, and this isn’t His first Rodeo not by Far. Lester has been Making B-Horror and Low Budget Sci Fi Films for a Decade at least.” snapped The Guy in The Misfits T-shirt to His Associate who was apparently named Shane.

“I’m aware of the issue at hand Glen,” Shane stated calmly before continuing “Lester wants a Real looking though be it Fake Dick for the Film, and that He also is insanely anal about the Films Budget getting out of Hand. It’s a huge pain in the ass I agree, Yet Lester has a point in the fact that if We go too far over budget the Project gets shut down and shelved  in a  Filmography Warehouse or some other Bizarre shit.”

   

“Well anyway You look at it if Lester wants realism He’ll have to just bite the fucking bullet and kick out the Cash. I mean once again Lester has to be aware that this is a 1 possibly 2 scene prop and thats it. After one or two scenes it’ll be ruined I mean thoroughly thrashed.,” Glen Barked gruffly before launching into a full blow tirade, “The Point is there is the Scene where Eddie is Jacking Off with the aid of a fucking Cheese Grater so one side of the Prop is shot. Not to mention all the Fake Blood is going to be a serious Staining issue, and if We can’t find a way around said staining issue the Prop is totally fucked as soon as We cut. Then even if We pull off the scene avoiding further damaging the Prop that’s only until Linda’s Character Castrates Eddie’s Character. The Prop will literally be Cut in Half so its Not like this is a one time Purchase. This isn’t going to be Lester’s Go To Fake Dick for the rest of His Films because the facts are it’s a one Film 2 Scene Prop at Best.”

   

Tune in Tomorrow for the Next Installment of Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (6/365)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (4/365)

The last Porn Sho point Lee was mulling over in his head was along with everything else was that with Social Acceptability now Free from the Religious Righteousness, Guilt, Stigma, Demonization, and Stereotyping of the Past had directly correlated to the Social Shift in Porn Shop Cliental.

The Days of Porn Shops being Inhabited by Lone Pale skinned, Greasy Haired, Sunken Eyed Porn Zombies or Perverts in Trench Coats with Fedoras pulled down over Their eyes, and Hardcore Porn S&M Types had faded into the Obscurity of Days gone By.

In the Times since the Social Shift Porn Shop Customers suddenly became Normal Everyday People They could be anyone You see or pass on the Street. Post is They look just like You or A Soccer Mom. People came in and Smiling, Joking, and just had some fucking fun in Todays Times.

Not to mention Porn Shops started to be frequently Patronized by Couples of all Sexual Types and Orientations. Boy Fiends, Girl Friends, Fiancees, Life Partners, and Married Couples opening a whole new accessible demographic who would have literally NEVER set foot in a Porn Shop thats for fucking Sure.

   

It was then that Les realized His eyes were closed and He had just become aware of it. Damn too many Beers last Night at the Bar Lee thought to Himself as He was already battling a Brutal Hangover. Considering sitting still would only contribute to the issue at hand Lee hopped off the Stool behind the Check Out Counter, and figured now was a good as time as ever to do a little inventory. Nothing like counting Dildos and Inflatable Fuck Dolls to get the Blood Flowing, well it at least it keep Him awake.

A few minutes past as Lee counted Cockrings and Clit Stimulators when He hear the Front Door Bell. Ah the first Customer of the Day Lee thought as He was glad to have anything to do other than fucking Inventory. Lee strode quickly back behind the Cashiers Counter, and took a seat on the rickety Bar Stool and, waited eagerly to see what the preverbal Cat dragged in Today for Him to Observe.

   

Stay Tuned For Tomorrow’s Installment of Lee Jonitits: Professional People Watcher (5/365)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (1/365)

Lee arrived at work half an hour late. He then proceeded to unlocked the door, walked in, and switched the lights on. Slowly the rows of Florescent Lights that lined the ceiling flickered to life initiating Their Trademark and incessant Hum.  Lee made sauntered lazily to the back office that was in fact a converted Janitorial Closet, and the stench of Bleach and Industrial German Disinfectants still hung in the air.

As Lee counted out his cash drawer he glanced at the Calendar that hung on the wall that was one of the free Chinese Food Restaurant freebies. The Owner was such a  fucking cheap  bastard he made Scrooge look like a fucking shopaholic.

17 more days Lee noted 17 more days until the day he had decided previously to getting the job to quit. You see Lee was a self-proclaimed Professional People Watcher, and in planning Lee had set a standard 90 day time limit for every job he would have along his expiration of Humanity in all its shapes and forms.

Lee excited the shitty excuse for an Office and navigated the row of X Rated DVDs with covers that depicted every sex act imaginable (well the legal ones anyways). He past the racks of Various Sex Toys from Dildos to Cock Rings lined the shop walls. Lastly Lee walked his way through the small assembly of Mannequins dressed in all types of Fetish Wear to the Cashier’s counter.

      

Lee looked at his watch to check the time which was 9:30 am on a Wednesday. Lee took his post on the rickety Bar Stool behind the Counter, Cracked open a Adrenaline Energy Drink, and sat back since business wan’t going to pick up for another several hours at least.

Stay Tuned for Tomorrow’s Next Installment of  LEE JONIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (2/365)

Thanks for Reading,

 Les Sober

Les’s Late Night Text Bombing SpaceDog

 

The other night during a synaptic storm I texted bombed SpaceDog with a slew of absurd, obscene, insane or offensive thoughts I was having through out the night. This time around the initial late night text bombing led to a 5 day sporadic exchange between SpaceDog and Myself.

The Texts are as follows.

Monday 10:50 pm: Les to Spacedog

Text: Dominick Dunn had a 13 1/2 inch Monster Cock and an All Star Porn career until one day he got on a public bus and was staring at a fellow female passenger. Dunn got a semi and when he sat down he accidentally fucked himself. He quite Pornographers the next day. But the question remains….Could he have maintained his career going Gay for Pay, but only actually fucking himself?

Tuesday 4:44 am: Spacedog to Les

Text: No he would have died of a cocaine addiction. Those half hard dicks up your hole would be hard to maintain.

Tuesday 5:37 am: Les to Spacedog

Text: Damn Dope Dicks, Coke snorting cocks!

Tuesday 2:56 pm: Spacedog to Les

Text: So the retarded guy I live by gave me mail he got by accident. Instead of just ringing my bell though he at first thought attempting his key in my door as a proper move. He was trying that fucker for a good 30 seconds before the rang the bell.

Tuesday 3:19 pm: Les to Spaced

Text: Well at least he has an excuse other than being just a mindless moron phone drone or just plain fucking stupidity, he is at least legit retarded.

Tuesday 8:58 pm: Les to Spacedog

Text: My new favorite insult is calling someone Cunt-Fart. Scrotumology is a lot like Palm Reading accept instead of reading lines on your hands its reading the wrinkles on your balls. TAINT PAINTING TUESDAY!

Tuesday 10:50pm Spacedog to Les

Text: Does it take into account your good ball and bad ball? And not the ball itself or more the sack. Bad balls kinda need to be removed. Good old one ball.

Tuesday 11:14 Les to Spacedog

Texts: Both and the equates the differential. They use a anal based algorithm. Testicular Topography is what your talking bout. The art of personally diagnosis using the shape, size, weight, and circumference of each nut.

Its all Eyeballs & Assholes on Facebook.

EAS: Enlarged Anus Syndrome.

Spunk Bunker Butter & Jazz Jam Sandwiches

Anal Gaping Grandmas.

Amputees with Foot Fetishes. Amputee Porn or “Stump Humping”. The Limp Dick Lounge Act.

Fantasying while jerking off is called an “Ejaculation Vacation.

The Mediterranean Sea home of the Spermicidal Jellyfish. The Jellyfish is comprised of sperm killing antibodies so the harvest them, and mash them into a lubricant.

Cream Pied Grandmas.

Deep Dildo Double Dicking.

The Vagbrator.

Ass Grease Sex Lube

Taint Piercing

Witness the Birth of an Abortion

Ragerrhea: Rage Induced Violently Explosive Diarrhea

Gentalmen Stop Spanking YourMonkeys! Ladies Stop Roughing Up Your Clams! STOP ANIMAL ABUSE! STOP JERKING OFF ANIMALS! STOP ANIMAL MOLESTATION!!

Scientology Mottos: “A Sucker Is Born Every Minute” and “A Fool & His Money Are Soon Separated.

The Pungent Stench Of Sex, The Foul Fumes Of Fucking.

I’ll have the Sucking’n Fucking Salad

Jazzy Juice is your Porn Star Sexual Stimulant Alcoholic Beverage now with 48% More Viagra & Vodka

Vaginal Viagra. All Hail Queen Clitoris & King Dong! Long Dong Silver AWAY!

Junk Stank New Crotch Deoderant

Implantphilia: The fetish where a person gets off fucking surgical implants, the most common being Breat Implants.

Blood Fart: Farting Blood. What if you jerked off so hard you ejaculated a testicle?!! FALLOPIAN TUBE TERRORISM!

Clit Shitting: Defecating on the Clitoris.

Siberian Ichtodeplomia: The Fetish where people get their rocks off fucking each other with frozen feces. OR the fetish where someone where participants fornicate with one another using frozen human feces.

Wednesday 2:19 am: Les to Spacedog

Brown Eye Wash. Vaginal Diarrhea . I can see with the eye of my cock and your a senior citizen when you cum cream of wheat.

Wednesday 4:07 am: Les to SPacedog

Aqua Cock is Deep Sea Dicking.

Wednesday 5:46 am: Spacedog to Les

Text: Double tapered shit. Was giving birth to a bloody fecal fetus. China Whyte. Goofy grape. Pie in my hole. Muff madness. Furkins and lemonade.

Wednesday 7:32 am: Les to Spacedog

Texts: Common Kiddies and I’ll tell you the tale of when the 1 Eyed Worm met the Bearded Clam! Anaconda Cock with the Vertical Smile. Mr. Harry taco.

Whats shittier than smoking Flakka? Smoking Flakka laced with Bath Salts and PCP.

Wednesday 8:53 am: Les to SPacedog

Texts: German Industrial Nipple Clamp All Inclusive Suspension Kit Only $199.99. That shit tweeted my tits.

Turkey Rapists will fuck the stuffing outta your bird.

Her Ass Is Like The Fucking Jaws Of Life. She asked if I wanted to see her Spotted Dick so I asked her if she wanted to see my Freckled Pecker?!

Nothing Like Dipping Your Balls In Fondu

Thursday 12:15am: Les to Spacedog

Remember Kids White Nationalists are Actually NAZIS FUCKERS! White Nationalists only eat White Meat.

Knob Gobbler: A Turkey That Sucks Your Dick.

Toilets EAT SHIT. Pissy Chrissy got shot in the Twat.

Saturday 5:18 pm: Les to Spacedog

Text: Sorry as fuck I missed your call, I’m driving. Their idiots and assholes all over the fucking road, call you back when I get back to the Orifice of an Office, headed to a meeting.

Saturday 5:33 pm: Spaced to Les

Text: Ok, Like a Mom Meeting?

Saturday 5:47 pm: Les to Spacedog

Text: Well not quite that, but it was a Business M-Meeting of a different kind LMFAO!

Saturday 5:58 pm: Spacedog to Les

Text: Murder LOL! My Slave Roots?

Saturday 6:01 pm: Les to Spacedog

Text: Murder? I fucking wish, but that be a legendarily long ass meeting as I have a massive on going list of people I’d like to murder LMFBO! My Slave Roots sounds like some fucking collage radio Indie Emo Band.

Saturday 6:06 pm: Spacedog to Les

Text: It was Jimis Gatage band. Moms against drunk driving? Man against mail genitalia?!

Saturday 6:19 pm: Les to Spacedog

Text: Holy Shit and Holy Hell!!! Mail Order Genitalia! Fucking Fantastic.

 

Thanks For The Read As Always,

Les Sober