Tag: Africa

Cannibalism The New Psychological Weapon of War.

I’m sorry to say I made a Promise before I knew if I could Honor it, and Thats My Impulsiveness getting the better of Me. The Car Accident-Arrest Incident I said I would be Posting Today isn’t going to Materialize I’m Afraid to Say.

Unfortunately in Addition to the Car Totaling Accident-Arrest Yesterday We have been an Increasingly Heated Dispute with Our shitty fucking Neighbors. You see a Tree of Theirs fell across the Property line and fucked up My Fence. We’ve been Dead Locked in an increasingly Stressful Stand Off of Who’s Gonna Pay to Fix the Damage. Today the Stand Off turned into a Shit Show Show Down and thats Putting it Mildly. The Bottom Line: At this point I may have Lost the Battle, BUT I’m Winning the War believe You Me. I haven’t even begun to fucking Fight this Happy Horseshit to It’s Bitter End.

     

The Shit Show Show Down Aside I’m a hell of a lot more Banged the fuck Up from the Accident which Happens when You’re involved in a 55 mile Per Hour Collision. Bottom Line: I’m fucking Physically and Mentally fucking Exhausted. I’ve been constantly on the fucking Phone with Insurance Companies to the point of Insanity. Not to Mention I’m a fuck load More Sore than I thought Initially, But that was Just the Adrenaline Masking all that Bullshit.

Point 1. Sorry to say Today’s scheduled Post Titled “We’re The Worst Superheroes in History” will not be Posted as Promised Previously. It will be Posted ASAP as the Initial Shit Storm Here Subsides, and I can clear My fucking Head for a Moment.

   

BUT FEAR NOT DEAR READERS!!! I WILL NOT LEAVE YOU HANGING!!!

Point 2. I was saving this for a Rainy Day, But yeah Shit Happens So. One of the Longest Fascinations I have had in My Life is CANNIBALISM. Why is Eating a Fellow Human One of if Not the Number One Taboo? From The Extensive History of Cannibalism in Fuji to the Necro Cannibalism of the Fore Tribe from Papua New Guinea I can seem to Learn enough about Cannibalism. Some might say I have a Ravenous Appetite for the Morbid, but Hey fuck them.

         

What had most recently Renewed My Curiosity in Cannibalism was the Reports coming Out of Modern Day Africa where War Lords and Waring Factions had WEAPONIZED CANNIBALISM thus Creating a Brand New Weapon in Psychological Warfare. I heard Reports from Various and Numerous New Sources, YET the One of the Best Reports I came across was Vice’s Documentary “The Cannibal Warlords of Liberia”.

If Your Not Familiar with Vice, Their Television Network or News Show on HBO well then You should seriously go Google the Hell Out of Them. Enjoy.

Thanks for Reading/Viewing,

Brought To You By Les Sober

Texting In The Eye of The Shiticane

Once again I find myself having to Apologize. Repeatedly in Our continuing attempt to raise f-yourblog.com up to its full potential have suffered another self induced delay. Well what can We say other than We fucked up, BUT We are working diligently to defuckulate the situation.

As it were We had f-yourblog.com had the offer of a lifetime so passing on it wasn’t even considered and option. Thus We have been away somewhere across The Pond for the last 10 days being Spoiled like motherfuckers. I’ll leave it at that for now as it will be covered in a Piece to be posted in the immediate future.

As soon as I was Stateside I texted SpaceDog and preceded to have yet another of Our Legendary Texting Sessions, and This One Made The Cut.

So without further ado I give you TEXTING IN THE EYE OF THE SHITICANE:

SpaceDog: Oh Shit were u in Italy? I think that’s where u told me u were going at one point. Oh you missed it a 120 minute trump shitshow press conference. Highlights include him saying Democrats are gonna dig up dirt on george washington and that the world at the UN was laughing with him not at him (complete with nonsensical 10 minute explanation)

Les: Yeah We were in Tuscany. 120 minute trump conference…did Hell freeze over while I was gone?! Did hear trump got his fat orange ass laughed outnof the UN LMFAO!!! So officially the entire fucking world is mocking the shit out of trump while laughing right in his fucking face!!!

SpaceDog: Fuck u diane lane. I mean nice. Nah he was talking a lot of crazy all week cuz the UN came to NY.

Les: We should lock the White House down like a CDC Drill, pump it full of MDMA through the AC Vents and let the GOPieces of Shit rape the shit out of each other to death. Problem Solved.  MDMA or Flakka Smoke. MDMA is too good for those fuckers! BATH SALTS IT IS!! That way the scumfuckers can eat each others faces while violently raping each other’s orifices beyond Surgical Reconstruction. LMMFAO

SpaceDog: Yeah bath salts. Maybe flake for trump so he’s also disfigured as he’s getting eaten. OK I’ve taken matters into my own hands.

Les: Seriously who the fuck goes to Medical School and decides to be a fucking Proctologist or Urologist?! I mean its the actual shittiest/ pissiest job of fucking medical Professionals?!!

SpaceDog: I’ve been deleting games and quitting games from my phone and computer so far taking me 2 hours. Trying to give all my shit away so i have no desire to fucking play.

Les: Someone’s parents happy about that? Like do they go to cocktail parties and brag their asses off about their wonderful son The Rectologist Ass Doctor OR do they just leave the Ass Doctor part out and just refer to their kid as Doctor?! DAMN.

SpaceDog: IDK maybe someone that likes seeing a lot of dick, but idk its not like u are seeing good dick. I mean i guess u are comparing best case scenario for dick and all i guess.

Les: That’s dedication to the cause. 2 hours of deleting shit?! You sure you don’t work for the government? LOL!

SpaceDog: Like maybe one day u see someone 60 and say we;; I’m glad my balls may only sag a little bit and do not touch my knees. Yeah hillary had me delete some emails. It was mainly 90 minutes in one game mindlessly donating tokens.

Les: DICK WARS on FOX this Fall!

SpaceDog: Then finding  all the games in hidden places on my computer like a 14 year old with porn magazines or a guy trying to hide booze from the wife.

Les: So what finally made you want to get out of gaming? At 60 I’m tucking my testicles into my knee socks.

SpaceDog: Because I’ve been doing it 10-12 hours a day for 6 years.

Les: 90 minutes thats kinda hardcore.

SpaceDog: I keep going to all kinds of anonymous meetings and they tell me its not a problem even though I’ve told 3 different sponsors (recent) and 11 in total over the course of my life.

Les: LMFAO! BOOZE! PORN MAGS!

SpaceDog: Makes me think if dammer ever went to AA or NA they would say “Well as long as you are not drinking and reading the big book I really don’t see any issue with you eating a few boys every once in awhile.

Les: I apologize I haven’t smoked in 9-10 days and my Wife got CHinses Food so I’m all fucking over the fucking fuck

SpaceDog: No ganja in Tuscany? Haha i had Chinese today i think the greasy ass egg roll threw me into a rage.

Les: I looked into where you can get it and like America either you know a fucking guy or find a guy that knows a fucking guy. They said students and places with a younger demographic areas were where to look. That though is just painfully fucking obvious. Italy does sell legal “Marijuana Light” called so because of its fucking low ass THC level.

SpaceDog: The O’douls of Reefer

Les: Bullseye!

SpaceDog: I guess Amsterdam or Portugal would be better, actually even Canada is better.

Les: Its low as fuck all compared to the killer shit America is growing now a days and shit. People called it “fake weed” and complained about it giving them headaches and shit.

SpaceDog: I mean the cheapest legal place is Uruguay but I’d be scarred I’d get abducted there. Yeah if its from a machine its bound to be crap.

Les: Yeah I do love weed but not even I am going fucking anywhere near Africa, fucking everything in Africa fucking kills you. There was a store that was faker than fuck called CANNABIS that I looked into after hearing a ton of people shit talking it. Everything says Marijuana on it BUT ITS CBD ONLY, no THC whatsofuckingever. Its a classic fucking bait and switch false advertising scam.

SpaceDog: Uruguay is in South Africa but Africa yeah 1000 x’s over i don’t wanna go there. Maybe Casablanca if i can go back in time to when the movie was made or ancient Egypt but fuck current Africa. Oh whoopee do LOL! Thought i did almost buy gummies with CBD and melatonin but the dude wanted $30.

Les: Its all derived from the same fucking plant, but these cunters where misleading people by making them think they’d get a buzz, but it was just CBD your not getting Amsterdam Merch Here.

SpaceDog: Oh yeah so i may be quitting beer specifically because that entitled douchbag supreme said he really liked beer 15-20 x’s during his hearing. Maybe i will start the red wine. That’s the only booze i projectile vomit. That’s always fun.

Les: Kavanaugh is a complete CUNT, that fuck is getting raped by Hitler in Hell the fucking piece of living breathing fucking shit. CASTRATE KAVANAUGH! Cut his rotten cock off. AND NOW the rancid pecker fucker ruined BEER?!! GOD FUCKING DAMNIT. Is there any fucking thing Trump and his GOPieces of Shit don’t fucking shit all over for fucking fucks sake. Waterboard that Supreme Court Cunt with Natty ICE till he’s fucking deader than dead the asshole deserves it. Well if you gotta vomit projectile is the best way to go I believe.

SpaceDog: All things projectile is better except when you jazz past your face and have no idea where the wad landed.

Les: Who the fuck green lit Murphy fucking Brown 2018?! How the fuck is Candice Bergeron not dead as fuck?!

SpaceDog: Out of all the reboots (including Fuller House) it is by far the worst.

Les: Thats why I where a face mask when I jerk off.

SpaceDog: I fell asleep 3 different nights trying to watch.

Les: Yeah but unlike typically rebooted shit their continuing it like it never went off the air or some fuckshit, I mean Candice looks like a blonde Liza Minelli. Botox Bombed out Blound. I guess 45 to 50 fucking facelifts at least, and she still is older than fuck, and not that mush better looking in spite of the gross amount of Plastic Surgery. No one remembers that fucking show so in the end who fucking cares?! LMMFBO!

SpaceDog: They should remake this horrible show. Watch “Dangerous Women TV Show Intro” on Youtube. I vaguely remember my parents watching it and it not being very funny. Not the women murphy brown not so funny.

Les: Yeah it was all political as shit. “The Series Return” that’s how fuck me Fox is billing this Bullshattery.

SpaceDog: Only one I’m honestly glad returned from the dead is Will and Grace since no one seems to be in much of a hurry to do it. Christ sometimes i think I’m gonna have to do it myself. Though that Australian show with the gay guy was good. The Stuff nightmares are made of. It’s like they sewed together the faces of all the dead Golden Girls to remake hers.

Les: I think bringing back Will and Grace would definitely be interesting shit. TV has become boring as shit. I’d especially like to see it comeback under your direction. That be entertaining.

SpaceDog: Its been back gonna be year 2 this year.

Les: What Australian Show was that?! I must have missed that one? Getting older is a shit reason for being absent minded. What Really?! Dear fucking Christ on a cocking where the fuck have I been? Oh wait living under a fucking rock apparently.

SpaceDog: Please Like Me…..i think it’s on HULU. The main guy is gay but thats mostly it besides the guys he dates. It was on the networks on some weird channel i never heard of that got axed.

Les: Cool I just scored my Brother’s HULU password so GAME FUCKING ON!

SpaceDog: Do u use IMDB? If i sign up for an account, do you know if i can get alerted to when actors/actresses have new projects coming out? Like how Spotify tells me about albums and concerts.

Les: Sounds like one of those shows ahead of its time and shit so at the time the general moronic public couldn’t understand it and it met an untimely demise.

SpaceDog: Yeah its pretty fucking dark sarcasm humor not all daisies and bullcrap.

Les: I’m not even sure I can recollect what the hell IMDB is, I’m the Technology Anti-Christ or some shit.

SpaceDog: Internet movie database

Les: Dark Sarcasm I’m in.

SpaceDog: I see one hot guy in one movie and i cyberstalk everything they’ve been in.

Les: I really wish I knew of this database much fucking sooner.

SpaceDog: And drunk tweet them and shame delete in the morning.

Les: LMFBO! Shame Delete!!

SpaceDog: I just assumed everyone knew. I’ve been on the internet since AOL.

Les: Think we have all but been there. I’m a Techtard. I’m always having to fucking catch the hell up LMTB!

SpaceDog: The biggest “celeb” that responded was the sprint/Verizon guy. Can u hear me now? Trump would say thats bigly sad.

Les: That be trump for you that fat orange fucktard, that baby dick having bitch boy, could he want to fuck his daughter any more?!! The fat filthy son of a bitch scumfucking scumfucked scumfucker scumfuck! ORANGE WANK MAGGOT! I can’t WAIT to shit on Trump’s fucking grave. I’m talking downing Exlax like Beer before hand and a German Industrial Institutional Grade Enema on Site.

+I sent SpaceDog one of those Personalized Emojis that fucking look like you. It’s one of the really fucking random shit that just appears from time to time. Its Me holding the 50 pound Shit Emoji thats as big as my Avatars fucking head. And not only does the Shit Emoji have the classic Smile and Wide Eyes but this one has a bright pink ribbon on top. My avatars head is slightly tilted with a slight smile that makes me look like a fucking sociopath.+

Les: WTF is this emoji for?! I had to wait a fuck long time for an opening anyfuckingwhere to use this absurd fucking thing.

SpaceDog: Idk 1) when i tell you that may fiber is working? 2) I just gave someone Benefiber recently maybe then? 3) can’t wait to shit on your face 40 text it to the Wife immediately before you give her a Dutch Oven.

Les: It looks like I came to your house, rang your fucking doorbell, and then presented you with a 50 pound pile of shit emoji like some fucking welcome to the neighborhood type shit cake or perhaps its a congratulatory “Its a Girl” new born baby gift?! Or just plain old pile of shit thats as big as my fucking head with a bow on the bitch to make it what a fucking present?! IT FUCKING DOESN’T ADD UP BABYCAKES! #3 Winner Winner Chicken Dinner! Second Place #4.

SPaceDog: Third place i shit so hard your toilet is clogged u need a plumber. They need a guy with his asscrack showing emoji.

Around this Time Gorged on Opulent amounts of Chinese Take Out, and High as a fucking Kite I fell the fuck asleep so sue me. And thus concludes this installment of Les and SpaceDog’s Textology.

 

By Les Sober & SpaceDog 

A Jokes Who’s Social Commentary Went From Funny To Just Plain Disturbing

I feel the following sums up the state of affairs in American under Trump The Traitor. America We Need To Unite As A Nation and Prepare For A 2nd Revolutionary War: The Politicians & The Rich Vs. The Citizens & The Poor.

A World Wide survey was conducted by The United Nations (UN).

The Question asked was: “Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of The World?”

The Suravy was a Huge Failure.

In Africa They didn’t know what “Food” Meant.

In Eastern Europe They didn’t know what “Honest” Meant.

In Western Europe They didn’t know what “Shortage” Meant.

In China They didn’t know what “Solution” Meant.

In South America They didn’t know what “Please” Meant.

AND IN AMERICA They didn’t know what “The Rest Of The World” Meant.

Thanks For The Read,

Les Sober

 

I Survived the Smutville Summer of Slaughter 1976

  It was a favorable fall evening in the midst of July as we slowly assembled our motley crew of usual small town misfits behind the Piggly Wiggly. I as always arrived first as patience is a virtue I was born without followed by Clitoria and her white trash future meth cooking boyfriend aptly named Tweaky. The three of us stood around loitering like a son of a bitch and chain smoking Cowboy Killers until finally Ziggy Zag (the one and only marijuana peddler in the entire county of Pornotovia) who operated on some bizarrely slow internal clock ,but you couldn’t get too pissed off at him as he was the only small town connection. The final stragglers Tool, Tits McGee, MC Satan and Ms. Muff wondered in 45 minutes later citing their lateness on a glitch in obtaining the evenings alcohol (as we were all underage high school seniors at the time.)

  There 2 elementary issues when your drinking underage first being how to obtain the alcohol and secondly a place to consume the said alcohol. We had already solved issue one by bribing Scumbag Billy the local small town  22 year old delinquent. Scumbag Billy graduated from the local high school (on the 6 year plan mind you) stayed in town taking a shit job as a mechanic down at Jiffy Lube of route 1171 ,and lived in a hellhole of a mobile home. Scumbag Billy “Inherited” the property when his parents vacated the premises 3 years back to avoid being arrested for bootlegging. We had this pre party at the Pig to devise a drinking place free from the prying eyes of neighbors and the ever bored ever present police. Some cliches are cliches because they’re real and just one such saying is “News travels quickly through a small town” which is absolutely and fundamentally correct. Just a few hours earlier Ziggy Zag had overheard a conversation at the local convenience store between 2 guys who worked in construction. What the 2 construction works were talking about was next weeks project that was due to start the following Monday ,but before they could build a damn thing the previous structure and to be demolished. Apparently this monopoly like cookie cutter mass produced single story business building (at the ass end of an industrial complex) had gone bankrupt, and as a result the office was cleared out and locked up a couple of days ago. It was a unanimous vote by all that tonight we’d party at the newly abandoned office building because 1. No Neighbors, 2. All the workers else where in the complex went home no later than 6 p.m. and 3. It was such a new spot that the cops hadn’t heard of it yet and added it to their nightly rounds about town.

With decision in hand we piled like circus clowns into MC Satan’s 1968 Ford station wagon which was an anomaly unto itself. MC Satan’s Station Wagon was beyond a beater and more towards rattling death trap as the speedometer was completely broken, the floor boards on the passengers side had rusted all the way through so one could see the road while driving, the gas gauge was shaky at best, the dashboard lights would flicker on then off ,and the radiator gauge was stuck in the over heating position permanently. Thankfully the drinking location was located approximately 8-10 minutes from the Pig.

When we arrived we were all delighted to find the bankrupt business building as perfect and promising as we had hoped in our heads. The parking lot behind the building was small enough to avoid having a shit ton of other people there calling attention to themselves. The lot was also dimly lit allowing us to see what was happening but also allowing us not to be seen if the cops showed up and we had to hide right quick. Lastly there were thick woods around the entire perimeter which was damn near perfect if hiding wasn’t enough and we had to make a run for it. It didn’t take long to set up camp and within mere minutes there was smoking,toking,drinking and fucking abounding under the star ridden sky. The hedonistic partying went on barreling into the late hours of the night until Tweaky heard something and the night evolved into a nightmare.

We all had reconvened for a toking circle that consisted of us standing in a circle each with a joint, blunt,bowl or bong and simultaneously lighting up. Then we just passed to the left until all of said marijuana had been smoked and then proceeded to plan where we would be acquiring late our night dining needs. Now a vote had to be taken as oddly for a small town there where several diners and a token Denny’s by the Mall competing for our munchie money. All of sudden as Ms.Muff and Tool were vehemently going at it over The Waterford diner versus The Greasy Spoon as to who had better what when Tweaky stood up quickly ,and started looking around like a cracked out Mearcat scanning around in a complete 360 degrees. The first thing we tried to figure out was if Tweaky was bugging out because he was too intoxicated, but so were we so we were unable to decide. There then was a moment of collective intense anxiety as we wondered then if in fact the cops had found us out which turned out not to be the case. Since we didn’t know if Tweaky’s behavior was do to drugs and drink as well as feeling relieved we didn’t have to haul ass through the woods to escape from the cops, then what the hell was going on?  Upon asking Tweaky as to what the origin of his behavior was we were answered with a question that being had we heard something out of the ordinary a moment ago. None of us recollected hearing shit but each other when Tweaky snapped to attention and again demanded to know if we had heard the mysterious noise that time to which the answer was again no. Tweaky now having gotten himself completely twisted over the alleged unknown noise that we decided to all quite down right quick and give it a listen. Well to the surprise of us all there in fact was a very strange noise coming from the woods off to our left. Immediately we went from disbelieving Tweaky to feverishly trying to define the origin of this curious unidentified noise. With out blinking MC Satan stated the noise was that of flesh eating deer. Instantly Tits McGee criticized the hypothesis as not being possible because deer are herbivores so meat was not on their specific dietary menu. MC Satan respond by saying there was a scientifically viable biological reason behind the newly discovered flesh eating deer phenomenon. As we were already aware there was a more than healthy local deer population, but what we didn’t know MC Satan informed us was that a mutated strain of the rabies virus had reached America from a North Western South East region of Africa. Now this mutant strand had also mutant side effects upon the late stage behavior of its victims. While the known original strain of rabies instills a irrational terror like fear of water in its victims, the mutant strain seemed to instill a homicidally high prey drive in normal herbivores turning pretty prey animals into putrid predators. Before anyone had a split second to call bullshit the woods erupted into a flurry of activity, the bushes started rustling, tree limbs shaking and sticks breaking accompanied by a deafening crescendo of the unknown noise. It was instantly obvious that whatever was happening in the woods was massive and more then likely something non of us wanted to fuck with. We franticly started gathering up our shit as fast as we possibly could desperate to get the fuck out of there, but we never stood a chance in hell of that. The deer exploded from the woods in force, there were so many of the damnable beasts that at first they looked like one single entity a giant blurry brown mass stampeding toward us like a living tsunami of slaughter. Our fight or flight instinct kicked in and the adrenaline flowed like the nile as we ran for our piddly little lives. Ms. Muff being a 2 beer queer light weight didn’t make it a fucking foot before the deer where raining down upon her like a pack of land based piranha. The piercing sound of Muff’s screaming bloody gore as the sick wet sounds of ripping flesh, mutilating muscles, tearing tendons filled our fleeing ears. Tool turned out to be the true pussy of the pack as he froze in utter fear watching Ms. Muff being turned into an human order of shredded beef until there was nothing left of her but bare bloody bones. A massive buck charges full force from the woods straight at Tool dead on. The deer plowed into Tool with a meaty smack its huge antlers impailing Tool tossing him high into the air with his intestines trailing behind him like the tail of a fucked up kite. Poor Tits McGee was only capable of sprinting short distances before her massive pendulous breasts swung so out of whack she became top heavy and off kilter causing her to fall flat on her funny face. Once Tits went down she just disappeared, absorbed into the murderous mass of the deers of death leaving nothing of Tits but a blood stain on the assault. Clitoria stumbled over her beloved bong and when she did a deadly doe rammed its entire head up Clitoria’s ass and ate her alive from the inside out making it look like she violently imploded. Now if you’ve ever heard someone say its damn near impossible to catch a crackhead well that ain’t shit compared to Tweaky fueled by cheap moonshine and decent quality biker crank. Tweaky needless to say was way the hell ahead of the group that was until  the combination of the intoxicants and sky high adrenaline level overloaded Tweaky’s system causing him to loudly and quite violently shit himself to death instantly on the spot. With Tweaky laying face down in a bloody pool of his own feces with a prolapsed asshole Ziggy Zag and I decided to run like hell for MC Satan’s crappy car, but Satan living up to his name had apparently already reached the car and drove off like a bat out of hell. Upon finding ourselves fucked over by Satan Ziggy and I decided running toward the water sewage plant at the end of the road was our best plan b. We gave it our all and managed to make it to the water sewage plant with the deer literally nipping at our asses, but Ziggy was so terrified at that point he didn’t stop running before accidentally falling head over heals into the sewage plants water re purification open air holding tank (a massive circular tank used in the reclaimed water process of turning sludge and shit into Agricultural grade reusable water)

Once I managed to climb over the sewage plants 15 foot chain link perimeter fence and clear the barbwire I promptly turned around to see where the fuck this horrible horde of mutant rabies infected deer was currently at and couldn’t believe my eyes. The deer of damnation had turned on each other and were devouring one another in a feeding frenzy of blood lust. Apparently I was spared a horrendously horrible demise due to the fact the herd of infected deer were in the final stages directly prior to death causing the cannibalistic carnage I witnessed that ultimately saved my life.