Alternative Comedy – Page 10

A Short Story With -No Working Title-

Once Upon a Time in the Small Village of Fuckery in the Province of Whorebitch lived a truly lovely Couple Kunt & Kunty Twat or The Twats as They were known in the Village.

Today was a Dark Day in the Twat Household as Their beloved and bit of an asshole Cat Mrs. Pickle Tits had in fact gone Tits Up during the Night. The Twats took the passing of Their cherished Feline especially hard since The Twats had always wanted to have Kids. Mrs. Twat had in deed gotten Pregnant Once.

The Night that She gave Birth having Eaten an Exorbitant amount of Canned Curry She thought Her Labor Pains were just a wicked case of Gaseous Indigestion and paid it No Mind.

After a Serious Bout of Busting Ass Mrs. Twat staggered to the near by Bathroom to Vacate Her batshit Bowels. In all the confusion of Mrs. Twat transforming into a one Woman Curry Fueled Shitnado had failed to realize She had in fact given Birth at all. Mrs. Twat never having given Birth before simply Didn’t Know what it felt like. Once Mrs. Twat had Flushed the Toilet, and stood up She turned around (to take a sneak peek of Poop) just in time to see a Tiny Pair of Flailing Legs get Sucked Down the Drain.

(DO NOT FEAR DEAR READERS The Baby LIVED!!! We will See The Baby AGAIN SOON!!! It’s Called Foreshadowing for Fuck’s Sake.)

So instead of trying to Bang Out another Baby The Twats decided to just get a Cat, and named it Mrs. Pickle Tits in Honor of Mr. Twats’s Dead Mother. Any Way Mrs. Pickle Tits had a Very Long and Illustrious Life of 27 Years, 27 Days to be exact with the Twats.

Mr. Twat as Per Mrs. Pickle Tit’s Last Will and Testament had Her Cremated, but having No Local Vet to help arrange the Cremation Mr. Twat preformed the Cremation by Himself in the Back Yard. Mr. Twat Removed the Grill from the BBQ, stacked a series of Logs in said BBQ, Placed Mrs. Pickle Tits on Top, Doused the entire thing in Highly Flammable Fluid, and Lit the son of a bitch up like the fucking Hindenburg. After 12 hours at a steady 2,700 Degrees Mrs. Pickle Tits was reduced to nothing but Ashes which Mr. Twat collected and placed in a Zip Lock Sandwich Baggie.

All that was Left now was for the Forlorn Twats to take the Long walk on the Cockstone Cobbled Medieval Road that ran through the Town that Ended when it reached Mrs. Pickle Tit’s Beloved Open Bluffs. The Twats had a feeble Breakfast since They were in Morning before Mr. Twat put Mrs. Pickle Tits’s Ashes in His Pocket, and the Couple Headed Out to the Bluffs.

As The Couple Walked They passed by Many of the Villages Businesses and Shops that lined either side of the Ancient Village Lanes. There was Highball Haberdashery run by long time Friend of the Family Harry Balls, and there was Crotch Meats the Villages Butcher.

As The Twats walked farther On They Passed the Volunteer Non Profit “Mammograms for My Mammy!” Van parked on the Street giving Free Mammograms to any Villager who wanted One. Its true Once Village Resident Dick Fart had had one two many Pints down at the Villages finest (and only) Drinking Establishment The Rigorous Pig. Proprietor and Sole Bartender of the Rigorous Pig Leland Lush’s family had been running for 17 Generations.

Well After Wild Night of Binge Drinking at The Pig (as The Locals Referred to the Pub) Dick Fart had really got a hell of a Drunk On as He really tied His Tits in Two that Particular Evening. Finally Leland cut Dick Off once and For all that Night He wondered onto the MMM Van and Drunkenly Demanded a Mammogram. So to Oblige The Drunk and Confused Mr. Fart the Technicians preformed a Mammogram using Mr. Phart’s Testicles in Lou of Breasts.

A few minutes into Their walk the Twats reached the Village’s Central Town Square where the Elderly Women of the Village spent Their Days sitting in the Sun Gossiping and Airing Out Their Crotches with the assistance of a Hand Fans. Mrs. Twat just so happened to see Her dearest Friend Clitoris Coitus or Clitty as She was known in the Village sitting on in the Square Lazily fanning Her Crotch and bitching about Baking.

“Hello Clitty How are You Today?” Asked Mrs. Twat Politely in Passing.

“Oh Tis’ a dick of a Day so may as well fuck it.” responded Clitty crankily as the intensifying Heat of Summer had left Her Stink Ditch especially Sweaty.

“Ah Yes, Yes. Well We are off to Sprinkle Mrs. Pickle Tits’s Ashes over the Ocean from the Bluffs.” said Mrs. Twat who had become custom to ignoring Clitty’s obscene Life Lessons as the Couple resumed Their Walk to the Bluffs with Mrs. Pickle Tits’s Ashes in Tow.

The Twats had reached the Outskirts of the Village where the Octopus Processing Plant was located. You see Fuckery is the Number One Suppler of the World’s Octopus Spreed which was a delight among Fans of Appetizers. Outside of the Processing Plant stood Jarvis Jerkoff (real last name Jeroff, but because He was know to be an asshole of a Human Being The Villager’s reverted to calling Him Jerkoff instead) apparently pulling Crabs out of His ample Forrest of Pubic Hair. As The Twats passed by never taking Their eyes off the Odd Sexual Grooming underway by Jerkoff.

At one Point Jerkoff took notice of the Couple strolling by, and Glared with utter contempt at Them.

“You wanna save some Crabs for Your Dastardly Dinner You Pickled Pair of Pricks?!” Snarled Jerkoff seething with Disgust.

It was bad enough The Twats had just lost Their Precious Pet, but now having to take shit from Jerkoff the Village Jerk Off was too much for Mr. Twat to bare. What Jerkoff didn’t know was Mr. Twat was ExMilitary having Served 17 Years in the Queen’s Army, and so He was trained in all varieties of Combat. Mr. Twat without saying a thing, without uttering a single Syllable kicked Jerkoff squarely in His crooked cock which Mr. Twat followed up with then pulling Jerkoff’s pimply Scrotum up over His head.

Jerkoff completely blinded by His severely stretched out ball bag, and in a good amount of Pain from the Kick putting a King Sized Kink in His cock as well staggered around like a Drunken Zombie. Mr. Twat then proceeded to Grab Jerkoff and flip Him Ass over Elbows while holding Him around the waist, and before Poor Old Jerkoff knew what Hit Him Mr. Twat executed a flawless Text Book Pile Driver upon the already Hurt and Humiliated Jerkoff.

The incredible impact from the Pile Driver sent a Geyser of Violent Diarrhea Pungent Smelling Piss, and a fucked up Fountain of Jizz to explode forth from Mr. Jerkoff up to Eight Feet in the Air. The Twats continued on leaving the Unconscious Jarvis Jerkoff lying in a Pool of His own assorted Bodily Fluids.

Once the Twats had arrived at Their destination Mr. Twat removed the plastic sandwich Baggie containing Mrs. Pickle Tits’s Ashes as the Two prepared for the Final Farewell. Just as the Twats were almost finished Praying and were about to cast Mrs. Pickle Tits’s Ashes out over the Ocean They heard a noise. The noise was coming from the Cliff that rose a staggering 1,200 feet above the Ocean to form the exact Bluff They were standing on.

All of a sudden a Large, Webbed hand appeared over the Cliff Line followed by yet Another. The Two webbed Hands took hold of the Earth and with great effort and skill hoisted the rest of the Individual’s body up from the Cliff Face onto the Bluff itself. The Twats found Themselves staring in totally disbelief directly at a Real Life Merman sitting now before Them.

“It is I Otto AquaPoon Your Long Lost Son that was accidentally flushed down the Toilet into the Open Ocean. There a Clan of Merpeople found Me Floating Aimlessly on the Waves, and took Me in as One of Their Own.” announced The Merman with Gusto.

“Well it’s nice to see aside from the Dreadful Accident things worked out well for You Son.” said Mrs. Twat still in the Throws of Shock and Awe.

“You look to be a Fine Strapping Young Man outside of being Half Fish.” pointed out Mr. Twat doing the best He could to keep His shit together.

“IT IS NO ACCIDENT that TODAY I have returned to find You here. I’ve been watching You from the Wake and I Know Your here because your Dear Kitty Mrs. Pickle Tits has met Her demise. I am here to give Her the one thing You never gave me a Happy Existence.” said Otto Aquapoon confidently in a somewhat Ominous Tone.

Aquapoon snatched Mrs. Pickle Tits’s Ashes from His Father and regurgitated a healthy amount of Ocean Water into the Sandwich Baggie containing the Dead Cat’s Ashes. He took a minute to insure the ashes and Open water had thoroughly mixed before removing the Now Clay life Contents and sculpting an exact replica of Mrs. Pickle Tits. Once the Sculpture was complete Poontangler forcefully removed one of His Merman Scales, ground it up in His hands, and using a Reed like a Straw Blew the ground Up Merscale directly up Mrs. Pickle Tits’s ass.

Mrs. Pickle Tits immediately sprung back to Life completely Healthy and Happy. The Twats couldn’t believe the Resurrection of Their moments ago Deceased Cat. Before the Twats could even begin to comprehend what the hell had just taken place Poontangler dressed Them once again.

“Your Cat had Returned to You as I Promised. Now Father got Home and Shit Yourself Sane. Mother I want You to go Home as well Before I have to Slap You Sane.” summarized Poontangler who at the end of His sentence dove Back into the Briny Deep Never to be Seen Again.

The Befuddled Twats took Mrs. Pickle Tits Home with Them where They had a Cup of Tea, a Shot of Brandy, and then Went to Bed.

(What I told You the Kid DIDN’T DIE, and that We’d SEE HIM AGAIN SOOn. I didn’t say it be a Happy ass Hallmark Ending did I?! No I Didn’t.)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (30/365)

“You see the Old Timer in the Tweet Hat with the Classic Wild West Mustache? Well He showed up first and went strait after the first Staff Member he Laid eyes on. That unfortunate Soul was the Hipster Vegan looking Guy with the fucking Clip Board.”reported the Stranger before indulging in another Long Sip of Fortified Wine.

“I’m calling that Old Dude Tweedy He reminds Me of Someone’s fucking Grandfather who also happened to an AlcoholicYou know He shows up at Family functions already half fucking lit. Then after a few additional Cocktails He’s off to the Races Ranting and Raving about anything and everything under the fucking Sun. Now You see the Two Old Biddies there flanking Tweedy? Those Two showed up 10 minutes into Tweedy’s Tirade about Crappy Customer Service, and the Death of The Service Industry as a Whole.” said The Stranger observingly as He leaned back on the Stool balancing precariously on the Verge of Falling flat on His ass.

“The Two Old Biddies are like Tweedy’s Calvary They just happened to be near by and decided to insert Themselves into the Scenario” continued the Stranger, ” They don’t have a point or argument of Their own like Sharks smelling Blood in the Water They heard the Chaos and Jumped on in. The Old Biddies are acting as Tweedy’s unoffical Cheer Leaders if You will back or agreeing with every word that comes out of His Mouth. I don’t think this is a money Issue I think its an Age Issue.”

“Age issue? What kind of Age issue is this then exactly I’m not sure I see what You’re saying.” Lee said with the Honesty of a Child.

“Yeah its an Age issue I’m telling You. Tweedy and His posse are actually Mad that They’re Old, and the World has Changed as Society Evolved. It’s gotten Overwhelming to Them at this point in Their Lives. They just want to vent Their frustration about Growing Old and to be Heard. People have a shitty habit of Generally ignoring Their Elders.” The Stranger said Sympathetically, ” Then when People do actual stop to talk to an Elder They talk to Them condescendingly like They’re a fucking 3 year Old. Its Revoltingly Disrespectful You ask me.They Show represents the Dawn of the New Day something Unknown and Scary to Them. Thus that makes the $3 a symbolic way of Reclaiming the Past Reclaiming Their Youth that They had Lost to Father Time.”

“Funny how I’ve often thought the same thing about how Our Society writes off the Elderly with total Disrespect. It’s a fucking Insult on so any Levels.” replied Lee as He found Himself feeling an acute Empathy for the Elderly all of a sudden.

“They Call Me Dizzy,” the Stranger said introducing Himself at last, “This Little Life Drama has about run its course, and They’re all just Jabbering away in Circles at this point. It’s a Classic fucking Stalemate so You want to get a Beer?”

Stay Tuned Kiddies for Tomorrow’s Breath Taking Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (31/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (29/365)

Lee stood up and stretched like a motherfucker. It been so damn long since His bathroom Break that just like on a long Road Trip Lee’s ass had gone numb. As Lee walked triumphantly out of the Theater with a Particular Kind of Pride at being the very fucking Last Person in the Audience by the End of the Show. It was like a Badge given out to People who’s God given Gift is being able to Survive Massive levels of bullshit without Breaking or Bailing.

When Lee reached the Lobby He walked right into a heated discussion between several of the Audience Members who had left the Show, and were still at the Theater arguing Tooth and fucking Nail with the Theater Manager. Of course They all were aggressively demanding The Manager refund Their Money because the Show was complete shit.

Sitting on a Wobbly Old Stool behind the Vacant Concession Stand sat an Interesting looking Fellow who wasn’t actual involved in the Dispute, but apparently was getting a great kick of watching the Drama unfold with a Smile that was bordering on a Sarcastic Sneer splashed across His face.

Since the Show had been a Bust, and didn’t see the Point in fighting over a Few Bucks (the Tickets were $3) Lee figured Why not stay and Watch too. At least He’d get some Real Entertainment instead of Pretentious, Lamenting Socially Objective, Over Indulgent Emo Artist Assholes plodding around the Stage thinking They’re all Provocative and Intellectually Deeply Symbolic Implements of Art. Lee strolled causally behind the concessions stand without a single person taking note all accept the Guy behind the Bar who watched Lee the entire way.

The Guy was wearing of Well Worn pair of Blue Jeans, Construction Boots that by Their Appearance were Older than Lee, and a Leather Biker’s Jacket adorned with a Collage of Patches and Pins. He had Long Dirty Blonde hair that hung half way down His back, and was sporting a AxCx (The Abbreviation used for the Band Anal Cunt) hat which Lee found very Cool. It was the Stranger’s Silencer T-Shirt that caught Lee’s Eye in particular because Silencer was an Obscure and Short Lived Experimental Black Metal Band Lee liked. This Rare T-shirt Earned Lee’s Initial Approval.

“This is fucking Beautiful Bud, This is the fucking Performance Art of Everyday Life. I’ve been here since the beginning and These People are gearing up to go to War over a piddly $3 Loss which is so not worth this Reality TV Show fucking Drama. I do have to admit though it’s one hell of a Show especially after that Buffett of Over the Top Exaggerated Bullshit.” said the Stranger in a matter of fact tone as if He was commenting on the Weather or some other banality.

“So what’s going on here exactly?” Lee asked inquisitively trying to get an Assessment of the Situation that was unfolding Before Him.

“Well the Dynamic here is this. As You can damn well tell the Theater Manager is the Angst Ridden Fellow with the Clip Board that looks like He’s about to have a Stress induced Aneurysm.” Said the Stranger who paused for a moment to take a Hearty Pull off a Pint of of Phil’s Fine Fortified Red Wine (that he had stashed in the Inner Breast Pocket of His Jacket) before continuing His tale.

Stay Tuned Kiddies for Tomorrow’s Insomnia Inducing Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (30/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (28/365)

The Lights went out again as the Shell Shocked Performer was escorted off to seek Medical Attention no doubt, and for the Second Time the Poor Janitor had to come clean more Bodily Fluids off of the Stage in the Dark. During this Emergency Intermission Lee hear the stumbling sounds of yet more Members of the Audience had had Enough, and Stormed off to more than likely Demand a Refund.

By the time the Spot Light once again Illuminated the Tiny Theater Lee was extremely fucking happy that this was the Final fucking Act. For the Final Act an Obese Man who had to be pushing 400 and standing an unimpressive 5′ 2″ on a Good Day. He was wearing one of those humiliating Hospital Gowns with the fucking Ties in the back to keep the fucker closed.

Lee understood and could Fully Appreciate the Medical Reasons for Their Design, but still Lee considered Them to be more Insult to Injury than Medically Necessary. It was Indisputable that it was vital to the Patients well being to be Dressed in this mockery of a Gown as They call it in the Medical Community. Lee damn well knew it was so the Doctors can Grab whatever Part of You that They need Access to (for Poking, Pounding, Prodding, Probing, or Puncturing) as Fast as Possible since in Medicine Time IS a Deciding Factor.

For Lee there were 3 questions about Hospital Gowns that had always lingered in Lee’s Mind. One was Why the hell couldn’t the fucking Material be made of something thicker or more substantial that the feeble glorified Toilet Paper?! The Doctors/Nurses aren’t ever going to fucking inject you Through the Gown regardless since doing so would contaminate the Needle.

Second Why the hell did the Ties have to be located at the fucking back which lets fucking face it is the most inconvenient spot to try and Tie so fucking thing. Why couldn’t the Ties be in Front or at least located on the Side anything would be better than on the fucking Back.

Three why the hell especially if They’re made out of Thin, Cheap, and Flimsy Material why the fuck does it have to be White AKA Almost fucking see through?! What the fuck do moronic Designs or what have You do, They don’t conceal shit very well if thats Their fucking Point.

Lee’s Fourth Question was why the hell couldn’t the Medical Gowns be fucking Longer. This thought always made Lee chuckle since there were so many Catholic High School Girls continuing the Ongoing Battle for Their Uniform Dresses being Shorter. Lee’s point was if shit goes down and the Doctors rush in to do Immediately Necessary Medical shit, and first would Open up the Gown. And since basically at that point They Medical Personnel have access to Your Fully Naked Body so why couldn’t They just be longer?! They weren’t fucking Cocktail Dresses for fuck’s sake.

Lee shook himself to Dispel the Daydream He was Diving into about Medical Gown Questions and Improvements. Once Lee’s faculties had righted themselves Lee saw That the Man in the Medical Gown had indeed unfastened the back of the gown, and it was now flying open. The Man had bent over at the waist and placed His hands on His Knees.

He then reached down to pick up a Small Lime Green Notebook that was laying in front of Him, and started to read aloud. It turned out He was reading Excerpts from “The Vagina Monologues” intermingled with Lyrical excerpts from various Songs by 2 Live Crew. The Man was reading the add mix of Literature and Lyrics with the Great Enthusiasm and An Unbridled Passion.

Lee looked around the Theater to see how many Audience members there in Fact were still remaining. Lee quickly counted 3 including Himself , but the Absence of a Viable Audience didn’t deter The Large Man on Stage in the least. The Man on Stage ended up reading for 45 minutes before standing upright, Closing the Note Book, and Staring strait into the Black Void of the Almost Empty Theater.

After 30 seconds or so the Man Lifted cast off His Hospital Gown, and Hoisted up His Belly to reveal a Monster Cock that was as thick as it was Long. He then lifted His Massive Member showing the Audience He was in Fact a Legit Eunuch, and where His Scrotum had been was a Intricately Detailed and quite Life like Tattoo of a Vagina. “I am The Recycled Sex a Homemade Hermaphrodite.” the Man proclaimed before walking off the Stage.

Lee now fully believed that Performance Art’s reputation for Weird Beyond the Fringe on The Fringe shit was Well Warranted, and that the Show He had just watched was all the Proof He needed. Accept for the Theremin Player Lee thought that Guy was fucking Awesome.

Stay Tuned Kiddies for Tomorrows Nail biting Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (29/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (26/365)

As it turned out The Dueling Ted Nugents clashing in a Inflatable Kiddie Pool filled with Spam turned out to be quite Anticlimactic. As instead of flat out Brawling the Two Teds were having a choreographed Fight which looked to be a Hybrid of Professional Wrestling and Kung Fu. To make it suck even worse They were fighting in a Slow Motion Matrix Style Rip Off.

Lee couldn’t tolerate the Slow Motion Slaughterfest in Spam a moment longer so He opted to take a leak. Lee descended the Stair case back into the Dismal Lobby where He searched for the Restroom Door. Lee located it at last over on the Far Wall past the crappy Concession Stand.

Once Lee reached the Restroom Door He pushed it open only to discover it didn’t lead to an actual Bathroom, But to the Cramped Trash Packed Ally next to the Theater. Lee figured when in Rome (or an Ally in Rome in this Case), and walked over to the nearest Dumpster. Lee was being extremely cautious no to step on any of the Garbage that was strewn about the Ally. The last fucking thing Lee needed was to catch Hepatitis or Herpies in addition to witnessing this ridiculous Performance Art absurdity.

Lee went back into the Theater and returned to His seat. Once seated Lee noticed the Two Teds had vacated the Stage, and the Next Act was now on Stage. Thank fuck thought Lee taking a piss had been the perfect way to avoid anymore Spam induced Shit. On Stage there was a Man who looked to be in His fifties suffering from a classic case of Male Pattern Baldness leaving His remaining hair looking like a Common Clown Wig.

He was Shirtless and Lee was truly dumbfounded by how much fucking Body Hair this Guy had. There was so much hair that it looked to Lee like this Guy had missed a step or two in the Evolutionary Process. Serious Lee thought this Guy must be the Subject of a ton of Bigfoot Sightings, and the Unknowing Star of hundreds of Sensational Bigfoot Captured on Film Videos. Lee figured that a real live Specimen of a Bigfoot is essentially a Cryptozoologist’s Wet Dream come True.

The Man who too Lee’s disappointment was wearing a pair of Kaki Slacks instead of say Shorts or possibly a swim suit who fucking knew in a Venue like this One Lee found Himself in currently. The Man on Stage also had on a Pair of Black Dress Shoes so Lee couldn’t see how Big win fact this dudes feet were, and couldn’t help wondering if the Black Shoes were intentional to hide perhaps this Guys Big Feet?!

The an went over to the Side of the Stage to retrieve a couple of Saw Horses, a 2 by 4, a 5 pound Hand Held Sledge Hammer, and a Nail that honestly could have been a fucking Railroad Tie. The Man set up the Saw Horses about 4 feet apart and then He places the 2 by 4 across them like a Balance Beam. The Man then took the Nail and Put it in His mouth Sideways Biting Down on it Gingerly. He perched the Hammer balancing it precariously at the far right end of the 2 by 4.

Once the Performer Guy had his Set Up as situated He nonchalantly took His pants off folding them delicately before placing them at His feet. Again to Lee’s dismay The Guy managed to remove His pants OVER his Shoes depriving Lee of yet another curious glance at the size of His feet.

The Man then pulled His Boxer Shorts down to His ankles in one fluid motion, Stood Up, Plopped His Flaccid Penis onto the 2 by 4 in front of Him, Took the Nail out of His Mouth with His left Hand, Picked up the Hammer with the Right, and the Blurted out “I GIVE YOU…THE CIRCUMCISION OF CHRIST.” before holding up both the Hammer and Nail in outstretched Arms in a Crucifix Pose.

Stay Tuned Kiddies for Tomorrows Harrowing Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (27/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (25/365)

There was then a short “Intermission” that is if You call sitting in complete and utter darkness for 5 minutes while the Stage was being Reset. Lee was thinking to Himself in the meantime that while as Brutally Savage the Young Guy craping in a Bucket had some serious balls. That and the piece was far too long so He should consider using a Laxative next time to speed things along.

The Spot Light blaring back on like a Fucking Lighthouse. On Stage was a Man standing rigidly behind a Theremin (Thereminophone), and wearing a full head to toe Black Body Stocking. The Body Stocking was decorated with Random Cliche Space shit in Dayglo Paint. A Pre Recorded Narration started to play from not a not so legit Sound System, but from a shitty 1980’s Boom Box at the back of the Room. Lee had to satisfy His curiosity and peered over His shoulder. Lee was delighted to discover to see He was exactly right about the BoomBox.

Then Bored sounding Narrator that was some Monotone Kid mumbling almost incoherently at points about Inner Dimensional Time Travel like one of those Fanatical Sci Fi assholes that argues in Klingon. Lee felt the Intro was Purely Self Indulgent because it was just Token Space Topics like Light Speed, Blackholes, Time Travel, Alternate Dimensions, Extraterrestrials, Worm Holes, and Life on Mars being rattled off by some thoroughly Uninterested Kid (who more than likely was the Performer’s actual Kid).

The Intro Recording ended and the Performer launched into a what can only be explained as Speed Metal on a Theremin. It totally blew Lee’s Balls Off. He just couldn’t get past how fucking Awesome the Performance actually was. He had thought it would just some Overindulgent Emo Loving Sci Fi Freaky Nerd dredging on and on through what He would classify as “Musical Soundscapes” or something similar as fuck that it might be called.

After a Blistering Round of Theremin Speed Metal (as Lee was calling it) the Performer threw the Theremin over sending it crashing down to the Stage. It landed with deep and solid thud. Lee assumed this was the Theremin equivalent of a Metal Guitarist smashing Their Guitar at the end of a Song/Set. Lee found the Overturning of the Theremin to be the Icing on the Cake as far as He was concerned.

The next Act featured to Men wearing only Red 70’s Bicycle Shorts and matching Ted Nugent Halloween Masks. The Two Men stood facing one another from the Opposite Ends of a Large Inflatable Kiddie Pool. The Kiddie Pool was almost completely filled with an Unidentified Meat or Meat Product. It looked to be some shit ton of an unappetizing Canned Meat Product to Lee making Him a bit Queasy.

Then a Song from a particular Monty Python Skit featuring Spam started playing from the Boombox in the back “Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam….” as the Two apparent Advisories swayed Side to Side switching Their weight from Foot to Foot eyeing each other up. The Song then arrived at an Audio Clip of Dialog (also from the the Skit) which had be Edited in Exclaimed “But I DON’T LIKE SPAM!” the Two Performers Lunged at One Another as They entered the Kiddie Pool to engage in Battle.

Stay Tuned Kiddies for the Next Deviant Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (26/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (24/365)

Lee entered the Small Lobby and looked around as His eyes adjusted to the Dim Light. Everything was painted Black The Walls, Door, Ceiling, and Concession Stand which made it all that more difficult to see anything at first. The Concession Stand was defunct with an Outdated Popcorn Maker, A Soda Dispenser that was coated in cobwebs, and an entirely empty Display Case. Lee couldn’t figure out why the Theater Owners weren’t selling Candy and Soda since that shit boosted the Bottom Line when it came to profits.

Lee walked up a flight of stairs into the Tiny Theater which had max seating of 50 people at most. The Chairs were simply the run of the Mill folding Metal Chairs in rows sending a homemade Riser. Again every fucking thing was painted Jet Black. There was a handful of onlookers in the Audience that topped out at 11 people including Lee sitting motionless as if They were Tibetan Monks Meditating. Lee found the unyielding Silence to be rather unnerving since it reminded Him of a fucking Funeral Home.

Then at last the lights dimmed down, a Gentlemen who looked like a Long Haul Trucker fresh off the road appeared from god knows where and stood unenthusiastically next to the sole Spot Light (there wasn’t another sort of Stage Lighting to be found). After a brief pause The Curtin crept open and the Spot Light jumped into action.

The First Act was called “Pregnant with Myself: The Inner Child Defined”. The Act consisted of a Young Female Contortionist preforming a 3 stage Interpretive Dance. The First Stage was Her inpregnationg Herself by having Sex (Not Masturbation) with Herself followed by Her being Pregnant with Herself. The last Stage, Stage 3 was Her giving Birth to Her fully Grown Self with an exorbitant amount of Fake Blood.

The Contortionist was followed by a Young Man that appeared to be in His late Twenties in Jeans and plain blue t-shirt who walked very deliberately onto the stage, set down an empty 25 Gallon Plastic Bucket, then dropped His pants, Sat Down on said Bucket, and then spent the next 57 minutes taking a shit in it while playing Candy Crush on His Cell Phone. It was then that Lee realized WHY the Theater didn’t sell anything Edible.

The 3rd Act was a Pair of Fuzzies who came out one dressed as a Bright Pink Unicorn and the Other was Dressed as a Tyrannosaurus Rex . They then proceeded to play a few Children’s Games like Leap Frog and a 2 person game of Duck, Duck, Goose before Standing side by Side. Once the Fuzzies were standing next to one another shoulder to shoulder They undid the Velcro that covered Their crotches exposing the Unicorns erect cock and the T-Rex’s freshly shaven Vagina. The Two the engaged in Mutual Masturbation until Both Climaxed and fell over. Lee pitied the Janitor who had to clean that shit up before the Next At took the Stage.

Stay Tuned for the Next Fun Filled Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (25/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (23/365)

Lee noticed as He was driving to the Theater that it was located in what He like to call the Artistic Industrial Zone. This Area on the Outskirts of the City was know by Locals as The Industrial Art Zone. The Area had been dubbed the Industrial Art Zone because used to be a Bustling Industrial Hub decades ago before facing the harsh Economic Hardships during the Great Depression. Since the Big Manufacturing Businesses had Closed Shop, and Left Town due to Bankruptcy the Area had remained virtually untouched like one Giant Ghost Town comprised of Crumbling Factories, Dilapidated Warehouses, and Abandoned Store Fronts that lined the Pothole plagued Road.

Over the last few Years the Vacant and Decaying Neighborhood had become a sort of unofficial Mecca for the City’s Struggling Artists as well as Small Time Art Galleries, Movie Houses, and Theaters that operated on a Shoestring Budget had set up shop due to the incredibly reasonable rents (which is a nice way of saying Cheap as Hell). The cheap rates and Large Lofts provided the Artist not just a Roof over Their head, but an amply work Space as Well.

Lee had a rather depressing thought cross His mind which was He wondered how much longer it would be before Scourge of Gentrification would arrive and displace the Artistic Residents for fucking Star Bucks, and other Pretentious Businesses that catered to the invading Wealthier Demographic. Fuck Trends and all things fucking Trendy Lee thought to Himself why does society succumb to the desire and will of the Rich?! Money Lee thought to Himself was a real motherfucker.

Lee pulled up to the Theater, Parked, Pumped a handful of Quarters into the Meter (Lee was amazed was even there and on Functional on top of that), and walked up briskly to the Ticket Window. What Lee nonchalantly had assumed was just good old glass appeared to in fact be Bullet Proof Safety Glass (the kind One finds at All Night Gas Stations, and in Connivence Type Stores in Seriously Shitty Places). There was a Tall Thin Man in His Twenties with Pale White Skin that if was any Paler it be fucking Transparent., Sunken Eyes that seemed to be actively retreating into Their Sockets, and with Stringy shoulder length Hair. The Ticket Guy looked as if He was on the verge of Passing the fuck out on His face or Nodding Off due to being Strung Out on Heroin and was currently Under the influence.

In the end Lee couldn’t decide if the Ticket Teller was in fact a Hardcore Goth or a Hardcore Junkie either which way it was too hard to Tell considering both were perfectly Viable Options in this part of Town.

Stay Tuned Kiddies for Tomorrow’s Mind Warping Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (24/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (22/365)

Since Lee’s first Day at the Gas Station until Monday since Bob told Him He had to fire a current knucklehead first. And since it was Saturday Lee went back to His car to jump on His phone right quick Google to see what was going on in the Area. As Lee lazily scrolled down the unimpressive List of Weekend Events in and around town one finally caught His eye it was a Show called “The Performance Art Extravaganza” that was playing at a tiny Theater named “The Performance Art Arena”.

Lee found the similarity between the Show’s name, and the Theater’s name lame as hell since there wasn’t any creative though behind either. Lee popped over to The Theater’s website to get further details on the Show. There wasn’t in fact a whole hell of a Lot of available Pertinent Information since the Website looked like a fucking French Avant Guard Student Film. To add insult to injury there were only vague descriptions of the various Events They were hosting that Month.

Lee found the Show and clicked on it for specific details pertaining to that Nights performance of whatever the fuck a Performance Art Extravaganza was. The Description was short and seemed to lack a point. All the summation of the Show said was “A Night of Emotion and Thought as 7 Different Artist preform Their unquietly Personal Art Pieces for an Evening of Intellectual Stimulation and Profoundest of Thoughts”

Lee couldn’t make heads of fucking Tales of the Show’s description so He scrolled down to see Who the Artist/Act Was to see if that might help clarify some semblance of an explanation. The First Act was Titled “I’m Pregnant with Myself” by Lillian Louise followed by “Outhouse Orchestra” By Otto Arse. At that point Lee stopped reading as He was getting No Where at all.

Lee figured why the hell not go to See the Show anyway since He didn’t have any plans, and Time to Kill before starting His New Job on Monday. After an aggravating hour in bumper fucking Traffic due to a Horrendous Auto Accident. A Propane Truck had swerved out of its Lane, and side swiped a Bus full of Nuns. Both Vehicles careened off the Road. The Propane Truck ended up Sandwiching the Bus between It and the cement Safety Barrier. When the Vehicles collided with the Safety Barrier the Propane Truck Exploded on Impact instantly Obliterating everyone involved in the Accident.

Stay Tuned Kiddie for Tomorrow’s Reality Warping Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (23/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (21/365)

“Look I know You’re young Guys and I could care less if You Guys wanna Drink some Beers or Smoke a little Pot, But NOT on My time, NOT on My dime You hear Me?” asked Bob in a Authoritative Tone that resembled a Stern, but Fair Father Figure more than a Boss.

“I here You loud and clear Sir.” replied Lee being sure to sound as Sincere as He actually was.

“I’m not joking here I don’t need any extra bullshit to deal with. I already got a heaping helping of Everyday Bullshit on My damn Plate. This is a Business and I’m not in the Bullshit Business. This isn’t a damn Manure Factory for Christ’s sake You know what the hell I’m saying?” said Bob who was beginning to sound a bit worked up.

Bob walked over to the Office’s Big Plate Glass window and peered out Purveying the Gas Station from one end to the Other as if He was standing Guard. Bob then turned to Lee and sighed before offering Lee the Job which Lee gladly took.

“Now I don’t wanna come off like a hardass here, But I’m dead serious I don’t tolerate a bunch of juvenile bullshit. You gotta see where I’m coming from.” said Bob exasperatedly, “There was this one time a couple of the Boys who were off work swung on by to keepTheir Buddy who working the Overnight Shift from 11pm to 7am company. Well They’re hanging out and decided since it had gotten so damn late that there wasn’t a single damn car out on the Road more or less one needing a fill up.”

Bob wondered behind the Office Desk as He talked and started to fuck around with some of the Work Order’s on the Counter. Lee couldn’t help at this point thinking Bob looked like Mario’s (from the Classic Super Mario Brothers Video Game) lesser known Older Brother Antonio or some shit.

“Anyway These geniuses go buy some beer from the Connivence Store across the way there, and started knocking them back.” continued Bob as He started to fiddle with the Computer Mouse while squinting at the screen ignorer to see what it said before finally continuing the Story.

“So its the following Day which was a Saturday so that’s a busier Day around here being the Weekend and All. Well around lunch it was around 1 in the afternoon if I remember it right a big old wind started blowing. Well wouldn’t you know it all of a sudden You know what starts blowing down off the Roof?” asked Bob fustratedly, “Damn Empty Beer cans. The Guys thought it was funny to throw Their empty’s from the previous Night up on the damn Roof instead of just chucking them in the damn Trash Dumpster. So as a result I now had a barrage of Beer Cans flying off the Roof with every Gust of Wind pelting My Workers, The Customer’s, The damn Pumps, and worst of all the Customer’s Cars. And on top of it all the damn things are scattered all over the damn Lot rolling all around like a bunch of aluminum tumbleweeds or some damn thing. It was a complete mess, and damn near killed off My customer base because No One wants to deal with that bullshit just getting some damn Gas You know.”

Stay Tuned Kiddies for Tomorrow’s Exciting Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (22/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober