Alternative Comedy – Page 12

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (5/365)

Lee looked over to catch a quick First Glimpse of the in coming Customer. As it turned out it was in fact was Two Young Gentlemen that looked to be in Their late 20’s, and who were locked in a heated debate over something They both seemed very animate about. Lee sat back and began His observations. Lee had a good feeling about these Two Guys, and anticipated some quality Entertainment to get the Day off to a running start.

The Two Young Men headed strait to the Dildo Isle where Their argument became much more amplified as Each became more and more Frustrated with the Other. Lee opened a Copy of Some trashy Adult Novel and pretended to read it feigning an aloof ambivalence. This was a common Tactic Lee used to hide the fact He was now Ease Dropping on Shoppers just like He was with these Two Young Men.

“Well We can fucking Narrow it Down by Illuminating all the ones that look as Fake, We need to stick to Realism because not even a Psychotic Cannibalistic Necrophiliac would have a Giant Purple Double Headed Cock So there You have it.” Said the Young Guy wearing a pair of Beat Up Sneakers, Old Worn Out Jeans, and a Faded well worn Misfits T-shirt as He relentlessly scanned the Dildo Display (back and forth from End to End) with an intense 1,000 Yard Stare.

“I know BUT look at the fucking prices They’re charging for Fake Rubber Dicks its fucking Really Ridiculous. All I’m saying is I hope these fucking things last just short of Forever for the Price People are Paying.” replied the Second Young Guy in the Camouflage Cargo Shorts, Napalm Death Concert T-shirt, and a pair of Knock Off Crocs.

“Look Shane I know money is always an issue with Lester, BUT He goddamn is well aware this will be an unforeseen additional cost. I mean He’s the fucking Director, and this isn’t His first Rodeo not by Far. Lester has been Making B-Horror and Low Budget Sci Fi Films for a Decade at least.” snapped The Guy in The Misfits T-shirt to His Associate who was apparently named Shane.

“I’m aware of the issue at hand Glen,” Shane stated calmly before continuing “Lester wants a Real looking though be it Fake Dick for the Film, and that He also is insanely anal about the Films Budget getting out of Hand. It’s a huge pain in the ass I agree, Yet Lester has a point in the fact that if We go too far over budget the Project gets shut down and shelved in a Filmography Warehouse or some other Bizarre shit.”

“Well anyway You look at it if Lester wants realism He’ll have to just bite the fucking bullet and kick out the Cash. I mean once again Lester has to be aware that this is a 1 possibly 2 scene prop and thats it. After one or two scenes it’ll be ruined I mean thoroughly thrashed.,” Glen Barked gruffly before launching into a full blow tirade, “The Point is there is the Scene where Eddie is Jacking Off with the aid of a fucking Cheese Grater so one side of the Prop is shot. Not to mention all the Fake Blood is going to be a serious Staining issue, and if We can’t find a way around said staining issue the Prop is totally fucked as soon as We cut. Then even if We pull off the scene avoiding further damaging the Prop that’s only until Linda’s Character Castrates Eddie’s Character. The Prop will literally be Cut in Half so its Not like this is a one time Purchase. This isn’t going to be Lester’s Go To Fake Dick for the rest of His Films because the facts are it’s a one Film 2 Scene Prop at Best.”

Tune in Tomorrow for the Next Installment of Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (6/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (4/365)

The last Porn Sho point Lee was mulling over in his head was along with everything else was that with Social Acceptability now Free from the Religious Righteousness, Guilt, Stigma, Demonization, and Stereotyping of the Past had directly correlated to the Social Shift in Porn Shop Cliental.

The Days of Porn Shops being Inhabited by Lone Pale skinned, Greasy Haired, Sunken Eyed Porn Zombies or Perverts in Trench Coats with Fedoras pulled down over Their eyes, and Hardcore Porn S&M Types had faded into the Obscurity of Days gone By.

In the Times since the Social Shift Porn Shop Customers suddenly became Normal Everyday People They could be anyone You see or pass on the Street. Post is They look just like You or A Soccer Mom. People came in and Smiling, Joking, and just had some fucking fun in Todays Times.

Not to mention Porn Shops started to be frequently Patronized by Couples of all Sexual Types and Orientations. Boy Fiends, Girl Friends, Fiancees, Life Partners, and Married Couples opening a whole new accessible demographic who would have literally NEVER set foot in a Porn Shop thats for fucking Sure.

It was then that Les realized His eyes were closed and He had just become aware of it. Damn too many Beers last Night at the Bar Lee thought to Himself as He was already battling a Brutal Hangover. Considering sitting still would only contribute to the issue at hand Lee hopped off the Stool behind the Check Out Counter, and figured now was a good as time as ever to do a little inventory. Nothing like counting Dildos and Inflatable Fuck Dolls to get the Blood Flowing, well it at least it keep Him awake.

A few minutes past as Lee counted Cockrings and Clit Stimulators when He hear the Front Door Bell. Ah the first Customer of the Day Lee thought as He was glad to have anything to do other than fucking Inventory. Lee strode quickly back behind the Cashiers Counter, and took a seat on the rickety Bar Stool and, waited eagerly to see what the preverbal Cat dragged in Today for Him to Observe.

Stay Tuned For Tomorrow’s Installment of Lee Jonitits: Professional People Watcher (5/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (3/365)

Along the way as Porn Shops became Cleaner, Safer, and more Socially Acceptable Their availability to the Public became Greater. Porn Shops now could operate Out in the Open giving Them a much more viable and visible presence in the Community so to speak.

Back in the Old Days One had only one of two options when it came to visiting a Porn Shop. Now first off in BOTH scenarios the Trips are made at Night as even the most Hardcore Porno Fans wouldn’t venture out in Daylight to visit a Porn Shop. It was totally out of the Question because You always ran the risk of Someone You knew seeing You, and back then that was a huge fucking deal.

Now You either lived in a City, and had to circumnavigate the Perils of The Trip to the Porn Shop. Since Porn was Persecuted at the time if You went to a Porn Shop You had to stray into a truly shitty Neighborhood. You would have to weave in and out between the Hookers, Junkies, Pimps, Drug Dealers, Muggers, Petty Thieves, Hustlers, Police (who could and most likely would arrest you), and Homeless. And as You did You pass other so called Unsavory Businesses such as Shady Strip Clubs, Porno Movie Theaters, Pawn Shops, Liquor Stores, Abandoned Store Fronts, and Flea Bag Hotels the kind that Rent by the Hour.

That or if You lived in a Rural or Suburban Area You had a serious Drive in front of You if You wanted to pop by Your “Local” Porn Shop. Suburbia is just as bad as if You lived in a Remote Rural Area. Thats due to the Unwritten Rule of No Porn in Places People go to Raise Their Kiddies. Well the Internet fucked that Up for Suburbanite Parents.

Anyway if You lived in the Rural or Suburban setting the Porn Shop would be on Average 45-60 minutes away in the middle of Bumblefuck Nowhere so remote They don’t even have Street Lights. That meant You’d have to drive late at Night Down some long, dark, and winding Country Backroads while worrying about hitting a Deer (or some other Woodland Critter along the way.)

It was identical to how Psychiatry is widely Accepted and Utilized Nowadays by the Members of Society free from the Stigma of the Past where only “Crazy” or “Seriously Disturbed” People saw Shrinks. Porn Shops just like Psychiatry were once Demonized had now come Full Circle, and now instead of be ostracized by Society where now a Welcomed Addition.

Stay Tuned To Tomorrows Installment of Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (4/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (2/365)

Lee spent the early Day downtime pondering why Anyone still Patronized Porn Shops. Lee like the name Porn Shop as it seemed more Honest than the watered down Adult Store/ Adult Book Store. Why would Anyone bother going to a Porn Shop with the Infinite Universe of Free Internet Porn that could be viewed in (the Protection and Privacy of) One’s Own Home.

It was very similar to when VHS Tapes became available to the General Public it was inadvertently the Final Nail in the Porno Movie Theaters. The principle reasoning is fucking Identical in Why go out and risk embarrassment/Arrest when You could now watch all the Porn you wanted at Home for the First Time thus negating the need or use of Porno Movie Theaters.

Lee surmised that the Principle Reason People still Frequented Porn Shops was simply Instant Gratification. If One wanted say a Certain Sex Toy (outside of the Free Porn Movie Clips/Movies/Scenes) One has to wait for it to be Delivered. Even with 2 day, Priority, and Overnight shipping People want what the want as fast as fucking possible optimally without waiting.

Lee also had come to the conclusion that the Evolution of the Porn Shop over just short of 5 Decades had a great deal with People still Utilizing Porn Shops, and Porn Shops Widening Their Customer Base. The Old Days of the Dingy, Dank, Poorly Lit Porn Shops with Their Sticky Floors and Shady Clientele had gone the way of the Dodo. Porn Shops used to be on the outer fringe of Society operating in a sketchy “Legal Grey Area” since Technically in the 1970’s Porn was basically Illegal. Customers of Porn Shops or Adult Porno Movie Theaters ran the risk of Being Arrested in a Police Raid.

Then over the Years Porn slowly became more accepted by Society as a whole. So it was this Social Shift that allowed Porn Shops to essentially come out into the Open and Operate like any other legitimate Business. And with being allowed to Operate without Legal issues/trouble Porn Shops literally cleaned up Their act.

Porn Shop became bright and well lit with Loud and Colorful Advertising Posters on the White Sterile Walls. Suddenly Porn Shops went from Sleazy STD Ridden Barely Legal Shitholes to Viable Commercial Retail Shops that resembled Walmart more than a Scummy Den of Vice.

Stay Tuned for Tomorrows Installment of Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watch (3/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (1/365)

Lee arrived at work half an hour late. He then proceeded to unlocked the door, walked in, and switched the lights on. Slowly the rows of Florescent Lights that lined the ceiling flickered to life initiating Their Trademark and incessant Hum. Lee made sauntered lazily to the back office that was in fact a converted Janitorial Closet, and the stench of Bleach and Industrial German Disinfectants still hung in the air.

As Lee counted out his cash drawer he glanced at the Calendar that hung on the wall that was one of the free Chinese Food Restaurant freebies. The Owner was such a fucking cheap bastard he made Scrooge look like a fucking shopaholic.

17 more days Lee noted 17 more days until the day he had decided previously to getting the job to quit. You see Lee was a self-proclaimed Professional People Watcher, and in planning Lee had set a standard 90 day time limit for every job he would have along his expiration of Humanity in all its shapes and forms.

Lee excited the shitty excuse for an Office and navigated the row of X Rated DVDs with covers that depicted every sex act imaginable (well the legal ones anyways). He past the racks of Various Sex Toys from Dildos to Cock Rings lined the shop walls. Lastly Lee walked his way through the small assembly of Mannequins dressed in all types of Fetish Wear to the Cashier’s counter.

Lee looked at his watch to check the time which was 9:30 am on a Wednesday. Lee took his post on the rickety Bar Stool behind the Counter, Cracked open a Adrenaline Energy Drink, and sat back since business wan’t going to pick up for another several hours at least.

Stay Tuned for Tomorrow’s Next Installment of LEE JONIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (2/365)

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober

Pennington is SO Shitty………

Just to clarify a few things. First Pennington is a real place. I will NOT disclose anymore than that when it comes to its Geographical Location. If anyone thinks it may be an accidental slip that I’m using an actual name of a Place it is Not. If anyone still thinks I might have divulged a piece of Personal Info I welcome those Readers to go Google Pennington. And Good Luck with that.

Pennington falls in the confines of Spacedog and My old stomping ground and as You can see by the title We don’t hold it in high regard. So one night around 2am SpaceDog and I started a Duel Slam Session featuring Pennington as Our subject matter.

Alright the set up is “Pennington is SO Shitty…” followed by an Insult at Pennington’s Expense. It’s Their fault really for being so Ungodly Shitty.

This Post is laid out a bit differently from the previous Text Posts. I will write the set up once at the beginning, and then use Dot Dot Dot (…) so I don’t have to write (and You won’t have to Read) “Pennington is so shitty” god knows how many fucking times.

LASTLY IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED PLEASE READ ANOTHER ONE OF OUR POSTS AND SKIP THIS ONE. You’ll be doing Us BOTH a Favor.

SpaceDog: Holy shit that’s small. Damn shitty ass little Pennington has like 1000 times more people.

Les: True but Pennington is Cunty.

SpaceDog: Pennington…the town so shitty that even Priests say fuck these assholes.

Les: Pennington is so shitty :FBF (a girl both SpaceDog and I knew) wouldn’t have an abortion there…

…Trump wouldn’t grab a pussy there.

…Courtney Love wouldn’t OD there.

SpaceDog: U on a roll LOL. Pennington is so shitty the pull people over for smoking cigarettes in their vehicles. I’m braindead so u get shitty facts from me at this point LOL.

Les: Pennington is so shitty Yen Latch (Yet another Girl both of Us knew who is now a white trash alcoholic) wouldn’t drink there…

… Ivy Savage couldn’t handle it. (Ivy is yes another Female SpaceDog and I have both had the distinct displeasure of knowing who fancied herself the LOCAL HARDCORE PUNK ROCK AUTHORITY)

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty Ivy Savage uses her real name there.

Les: Pennington is so shitty Steve Bannon wouldn’t host a White Nationalist Nazi Rally there.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty aunt becky wouldn’t pay bribes to get her kid into collage there.

Les: LOL You out Ivy’d me. Pennington is so shitty Sarah Sanders WOULD go there.

SpaceDog: Penningto n is so shitty sarah sanders would tell the truth there.

Les: Pennington is so shitty Octomom wouldn’t strip there.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty that if trump wanted to build a wall around it Mexico WOULD pay for it…

…Their official mascot is a suicide victim.

Les: Pennington is so shitty Crack Dealers won’t deal there…

… it makes Wilmington Delaware look like Las Vegas.

… the Residents only Birth Control method needed is the fact they live in Pennington.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty it makes lituspjotaholmaflogur look properly spelled.

Les: Pennington is so shitty Lindsey Graham wouldn’t rape a Farm Animal there.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty micheal jackson doesn’t molest boys there.

Yeah duh late…food coma which never would have happened in Pennington…mostly because people bottom out there.

Pennington is so shitty I’ve never eaten there.

Les: Pennington is so shitty Jeffery Epstein wouldn’t traffic underage Sex Slaves there…

…Crack Whores avoid it like a Police Station.

…You call the Cops there and they tell you to go get fucked.

… It’s Tucker Carlson’s Home Town.

…Fox News won’t broadcast there.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty don jr is moving there.

Les:Pennington is so shitty Fred Phelps wouldn’t be buried there…

… All They Eat is Ass.

SpaceDog:Pennington is so shitty karen carpenter WOULD eat there…

…That all movies depicting suicide are required to play there.

Les: Pennington is so shitty it smells like a fucking manure fire…

…Dogs won’t piss on their Fire Hydrants .

…It’s like living in a massive Port-A-Potty 24 fucking 7.

…”Pennington is so shitty” it’s abbreviated is PISS.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty they’re opening a new kmart there…

…Their idea of a breakfast buffet is a albino midget throwing egg yolks at people.

Les: Pennington is so shitty They use Diarrhea as Lube.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty the only available birth control is thoughts and prayers.

Les: Pennington is so shitty GG Allin wouldn’t play there.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty that mass shooters wind up putting the first bullet in their own heads.

Les: Pennington is so shitty Their idea of Fine Dining is GAs Station Sushi and a Bottle of Maddog 20/20.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty their surf and turf special is someone’s goldfish and a whopper junior.

Les: Pennington is so shitty Their idea of a Vacation is living inTheir Cars at Highway Rest Stops…

…Truckers don’t hook up with the local Lot Lizards.

…No One builds Meth Labs there.

…They’re still listening to Limp Bizkit.

… Their Little League Team is the Pennington Shitheals.

SpaceDog:Pennington is so shitty Dick Minninninninninn (a world class fuckwit We both knew) moved there for a year and left looking like this *Picture of Prolapsed Asshole Sent*…

…Their official yule log is just a giant horse shit.

Les: Well the ugly fucker deserved it the unwiped asshole. Pennington is so shitty it’s the Fruit Cake of Towns…

…Will make You chronically Constipated.

…It’s the Birth Place of IBS.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty even rats won’t live there.

Les: Pennington is so shitty its mascot is a fucking Dung Beatle…

…It’s official Flag is just a Giant Asshole.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty that the only trendy resident there is inflatable…

…Its were vegans go to die.

…it will give you toxic fucking shock syndrome.

Les: Pennington is so shitty Tyler Perry shoots Medea movies there.

…Kid Rock is Their fucking Home Town Hero.

…Their Prom theme was The Solid Waste Authority.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty that steve harvey would be their least fucking annoying resident.

Les: Pennington is so shitty Slumber Hills (a Flea Bag Flop House for Whores and Junkies in SpaceDog and My home town) wouldn’t move there…

…They gave Howie Mandel the Key to the City.

…Dave Coulier Shows Sell Out.

…Scammers from India won’t call there.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty that when oprah shot there her book of the month was just a roll of toilet paper…

…That when bad people die they don’t go to hell they spend fucking eternity in Pennington.

Les: Pennington is so shitty all the Photos hung in Local Business like Restaurants and Laundry Mats are of the Cast of The Jersey Shore…

…Their Hospital is a CVS Minute Clinic.

…It hosts an Annual Hemorrhoid Festival.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty women living there consider being called a cunt a compliment.

Les: Pennington is so shitty They still use AOL…

…It has the Highest concentration of Proctologists in the entire fucking Country.

…North Korea feels bad for it.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty their idea of a terrific fucking tv show is God Friended Me…

…Toilet Paper is considered a luxury item.

Les: Pennington is so shitty when You turn the faucet on Natty Ice Light comes out…

…STDs are afraid They’ll catch something.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty it’s illegal to smoke anything except PCP…

…Bill Cosby gets consent there.

Les: Pennington is so shitty the only Cell Phone Service Provider is fucking Sprint…

…Their Baseball Team is Sponsored by The National Flakka Alliance.

…ISIS wouldn’t send a Suicide Bomber there.

…They take Bath Salts and Eat Their own Faces.

PENNINGTON IS SO SHITTY WE CAN’T TALK SHIT ABOUT IT ANYMORE.

Brought To You By,

Les Sober

SpaceDog

Growing Up & Getting Even

Phil never felt the need to grow up. Thats not to say He wasn’t aware he was going to get old and one day die because Phil was quite aware of this. For His entire childhood Phil had been told that People graduate High School, GoTo Collage, Graduate with a Degree, Get a Job, Get Married, Buy a House, Have Kids, Commit to a Career, Work, Grow old, Retire, and Die shortly there after.

This plan for ones life was absolutely unappealing to Phil. Phil didn’t want to live a Ridged , and Pre Structure Life, Phil was far too Abstract for all that traditional Social Norms Nonsense. Phil was what People refer to as a Free Spirit, a Person Who walked to the Beat of Their Own Drum, and Cut from a Different Cloth. It all inevitably all lead to the fact most Friends/Family of Phil’s all agreed He suffered from a wicked case of Peter Pan Syndrome.

Peter Pan Syndrome isn’t a real Syndrome like Downs mind You. Its some stupid bullshit that Conformists created to define Those Who walked free from the Flock. PPS simple means that a Person for whatever reason(s) doesn’t grow up to be what is commonly called Mature.

The way Phil saw it Mature was just a fancy way of saying falling in line. Why should He watch what He was Saying?! Who gives a shit if something is “Not what People Do”?! Why not do something Unusual?!

Phil truly felt that if He was born a totally unique one of a kind and that there was no one exactly like Him Why would He then opt to Act, Dress, Behave,and Live Life like Everyone fucking Else?! Be a Leader Not a Lemming was Phil’s personal motto since He was 13 years old.

So Phil did in fact Graduate from High School, and gave Collage a Try. Collage was far more free flowing than High School had been, BUT Phil couldn’t seem to figure out a Educational Path to Follow.

Since Collage was’t in Phil’s future He did the Only Other thing He could do ACCORDING to His Parents, Family, Teachers, Guidance Counselors, and all Other Authority Figures.

It took next to No Time for Phil to realize He detested Working for Another. Phil always had a Extremely Strong Aversion to ANY AND ALL AUTHORITY FIGURES. Just like other People Phil resented Someone having the Power and control over Him, BUT unlike the Others Phil didn’t hide His feelings just the opposite.

Phil was VERY Outspoken about his Views, Opinions, and General Thinking. Phil didn’t have this fucking “Filter” as They say though Phil always thought Filters were for fucking Pools not People.

One Day Phil decided to relocate to Florida as He hated Cold fucking Weather with a passion, and there was nothing keeping Phil tied down as He wasn’t married, No Kids, Didn’t own a House or Business, wasn’t attending Collage, and He had come to hate pretty much everyone in His Home Town of Phukuville. Thus Phil could simple up and move with little notice or planning involved.

Once Phil made it to Florida He settled in Orlando renting a Small Apartment in a Cheaply Built Apartment Building off of Orange Blossom Trail. Phil’s crappy Apartment had one perk if You will as it was just a mere 8 minutes from Disney World.

Phil needed work quick to get some positive cash flow coming in. Phil first took a job as a Short Order Cook at a Country Themed Restaurant call The Black Eyed Pea. The Black Eyed Pea is essentially a Poor Man’s 3rd rate Cracker Barrel rip off. Phil had a blast partying with His coworkers, BUT inevitably Phil ended up Quitting on the Spot on Day due to the fact He felt the Manager was just being a dick for the sake of being a dick.

Phil then took a Job as a Telemarketer and absolutely hated everything about the Job. His employer was some vaguely shady company with a token cliche name referencing America. The hours were odd, and the pay was less than appealing. Phil didn’t speak to His coworkers as He felt They were all fucking Basket Cases, had legit Mental Health issues, had Drug issues, or some sort of unscrupulous Scumshit (a Low Life Piece of Shit).

When Phil got so sick of the Job that He wanted to Burn the fucking Call Center Down decided to just never go back fuck’em. After that Phil eked by one His meager savings, and small loans from Family Members. Finally the Bank Account ran dry and there was No More Family to ask for a Loan Phil had a moment of clarity.

Phil went out bright and early the next morning to purchase a Newspaper. Phil then went home and proceeded to open the paper to the Classifieds where something absolutely amazing. Phil saw an Advertisement for Help Wanted at Disney World, and this NEVER HAPPENS. The reason that a Help Wanted ad was so rare it was like spotting a fucking Bigfoot riding on the back of a Unicorn was this.

First and foremost NO ONE currently Employed by Disney World would quite unless They HAD NO OTHER CHOICE BUT TO DO SO. Why You ask? Simple. Disney World payed REALLY WELL and the Benefits were fucking UNREAL. Second the rarest of occasions that a Job at Disney World did open up it was filled almost instantly. Hiring at Disney World is identical to the Auditions for American fucking Idol as in HUNDREDS of People Apply.

Taking the Want add as a sign Phil boarded the first Bus headed to Disney World. Once Phil arrived it took Him 90 fucking minutes to locate where the Hiring Office actually was as Disney World is Big as Hell.

In spite of the massive delay in locating the Hiring Office Phil was the first one there as the Office was just opening. Phil was released as he had hailed ass through the Parks and all because as He was looking for the Hiring Office He say a multitude of Other People doing the same. Perhaps this was part of the Hiring Process Phil wondered as sometimes Employers do weird shit like that to see You is determined and Who preservers.

The Job was for a Wild West Restaurant Actor which was described to Phil in the following way. There was a Huge Wild West Themed Restaurant in one of the several Disney World Parks that had Actors working there in addition to the Servers and Kitchen Staff. Actors/Actresses dressed as Cowboys in 18th century Wild West Attire and Acted out various Storylines.

NOW THIS WAS NO DINNER THEATER At Least NOT in the Conventional Sense. Unlike normal Dinner Theaters were Dinners filled a Dinning room and the Actors put on They’re performance on a Stage. There was No Stage at the Wild West Restaurant.

Instead the Actors and Actresses preformed the set Stories/Story Lines while roaming through out the Entire Restaurant among the Dinners. And this being a Wild West Theme there were Bank Robberies, Foot Chases, Ho Downs, Town Meetings, and Yes Gun Fights happening around the Visitors as They ate.

Phil aced the interview which was far from surprising as Phil was blessed with the Gift of Gab,and could seriously turn up the Charm when He needed too. Phil was given the Job as “Cowboy ” who would do all sort of cool things from playing Poker at a Table mixed in with the Diners or Having full blow Gun Fights. The Roles He’s play would change Daily to keep it fresh for the Visitors and more Interesting for Actors and Actresses.

Time ticked by as the weeks turned into Months and Phil feel head over heels for His official Job as a Fictional Cowboy. He had money in the Bank. He moved to a much nicer (but still cheaply constructed) 2 Bedroom Town House. He bought a New Car. Life was good.

Christmas came around and for the very first time in Phil’s life he mailed out Christmas cards. Phil had never put much thought into shit like Christmas Cards because they didn’t register as important a thing as they did for other People. So Phil hit up the local Hallmark Store and bought a slew of Christmas Cards.

Phil headed home and started filling out the Christmas Cards He had purchased to send to ALL His Friends and Family back home as well as Several Other Key People (one being for example His High School Principle Mr. Witless) As soon as He was done the last one Phil mailed them immediately without hesitation.

When Phil’s Seasons Greeting Christmas Cards arrived to His Entire Family, Every One of His Friends, and Some Others (His first Boss Dick Pickler from Samuel Goody’s a Chain of Commercial Record Stores) They all happily oped the envelope, opened the card, took a deep breath, and read…..

Hello and Happy Holidays Assholes,

For years You all told Me relentlessly time and time again to Grow up, Act My Age and Get a Job. Well I’m a full grown Adult now ,and I have a full time Job with Excellent Pay/Benefits.

What is My Job? What do I Do?

I dress up in a Authentic Cowboy Costume and Play Cowboys & Indians for 12 hours 4 fucking Days a week. Thats what the fuck I do for a Living so Fuck Your Bad Advice, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year Shitheads!

See Ya Later PHIL!

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Absurdia’s Billion Dollar Beer Club Selections

Welcome Dear Customer to Absurdia’s Billion Dollar Beer Club,

Below You will find a unparalleled Selection of Ten of the World’s Most EXPENSIVE BEERS hand picked by our Elite Bartender’s Bartholomew Godfry and Beatrice De Massard.

The Ten Featured Beers are not just some World’s Most Expensive Beers, but are the Only Beers deemed to uphold Our Highest Caliber of Quality.

In Our undying Quest to provide only the World’s Most Luxurious Experience here at Absurdia on August 8th 2000 Absurida’s BILLION DOLLAR BEER CLUB was Born. The concept is quite simple indeed.

The First Absurdia Customer to Purchase $1,000,000,000 worth of Our Exclusive Billion Dollar Beer Club Selections will Automatically WIN FREE BEER for Themselves, and One Additional Person at Absurdia FOR LIFE.

The Winner will also receive a SOLID 24 CARAT GOLD BEER MUG (weighing 2,738.4 Grams of 24 Carat Gold Valued at $112,986.35 and COVERED IN 500 ONE CARAT HAND CUT FLAWLESS DIAMONDS (Total Worth of Diamonds $3,659,500)

The Billion Dollar Beer Club Selections:

Sapporo’s Space Barley: $110 for a 6 pack of 12oz Bottles (ABV 6.0%)

Crown Ambassador Reserve: $90 for 750ml Bottle (ABV 10.2%)

Tutankhamen Ale: $75.00 for 500ml Bottle (ABV 6.0%)

Brew dog’s Sink The Bismarck $80.00 for a 375ml Bottle (ABV 41%)

Samuel Adam’s Utopias: $150.00 for a 700ml Bottle (ABV 27%)

Schorschbrau’s Schorsch Bock 57: $275.00 for a 330ml Bottle (ABV 57.5%)

Carlsberg Jacobson Vintage: $400.00 for a 375ml Bottle (ABV 10.5%)

Past Blue Ribbon 1844: $44.00 for 720ml Bottle (ABV 6.0%)

Brew dog’s The End of History: $765.00 for 330ml Bottle (ABV 55%)

Nail Brewing’s Antarctic Nail Ale: $800-$1,815 for a 500ml Bottle (ABV 10%)

Congratulations are in order for Our Current Billion Dollar Beer Club Leader Tristen Chitterlings III with a current Total of $189,357,044.01

If Absurdia acquires any Future Additional Selections for The Billion Dollar Beer Club they will be Added to the Menu Immediately, and Club Members will be Instantly informed of the New Selection(s) via Twitter.

Until then Just Relax and Enjoy 10 of the FINEST and EXPENSIVE Beer the World has to Offer.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Word Play Redefining Definitions

Do those who ay Not Know the Washington post has a Yearly contest for it Readers. Readers are asked to come up with New Alternate Meanings for Commonly used Words.

We are Happy to Present this Years Winning Entries. We only regret We were Not provided with the Author’s Names, BUT We would Love to by Each of Them a Drink or Two or Three.

This is a Excellent Example of Creativity OVER Technologies Inane, IQ Lowering, Mindless Drivel that the Tech Industry Pumps out on a Massive Scale on a Daily fucking Basis, But I Digress.

Winners are Listed in NO Particular Order, Enjoy.

Coffee,n. The Person upon Whom One coughs.
Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by Discovering how much Weight One has Gained.
Abdicate, v. To give up ALL Hope of ever having a Flat Stomach.
Esplanade, v. To attempt an Explanation while Drunk.
Negligent, adj. Absent Mindedly answering the Door when wearing only a Nightgown.
Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent
Lymph, v. To Walk with a Lisp.
Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence, n. Emergency Vehicle that picks up Someone who has been run over by a Steamroller.
Balderdash, n. A Rapidly Receding Hairline.
Testicle, n. A Humorous Question on an Exam.
Rectitude, n. The Formal, Dignified bearing adopted by Proctologists.
Pokemon, n. Rastafarian Proctologist.
Oyster, n. A Person who sprinkles Their conversation with Yiddishisms.
Frisbeetarianism, n. The Belief that, after Death, the Soul flies up onto the Roof and gets Stuck There.
Circumvent, n. An Opening in the Front of Boxer Shorts worn By Jewish Men.

There You have it 2019’s Washington Post’s Contest Winners, and again Excellent Job to Everyone Involved.

Can’t wait to Enter Ourselves come 2020.

Thanks for Reading,

Presented by Les Sober

Quiz’s Quintessential Answer Key

Do to the insanely rigorous, highly detailed, and labor intensive nature of said Quiz only the TOP 20 Answers are Listed.

For the Rest of the Answer Key Results just shoot Us a Email at fyourblog404@gmail.com that simply says “DECODER RING”.

The Grading System is Strait Forward: Each Alphabetical Letter has been assigned a Numerical Value. Once You answered ALL 25 Questions You simply add up Your answers. Then check the Total against The Answer Key Located Below.

A. = 1, B.=2, C=3, D=4, E=5 and So On and So Forth.

The Top 25 Answers:

If You answers are ALL ODD: Your a fucking Wild Card. You deal in the Unconventional, and Unorthodox which leads some People to call You an Innovative Genius or Batshit Crazy. Your intensity drives Your Creativity, but if left unchecked it spiral out of Control words Self Destruction. Your walking an EXTREMEly thin line between Your own Personal Utopia or Your own Personal Hell on Earth. Remember Swords only have Two Sides.

If Your Answers were ALL EVEN: Your a walking talking Text Book Personality. Your Bland and Mundane the equivalent of a Blank piece of Copier Paper .You never allowed Yourself to Be Yourself, and thus suffocated your Personality under Your own self implemented Restrictions. Break The Cookie Cutter that Molded You and Find Yourself before its TOO LATE. DOn’t let Your fucking disappointment drive You into the Grave of Regret.

If You Scored 1-24: Your indecisive I bet You take fucking forever to make a discussion. STOP ANALYZING EVERY ASPECT OF YOUR LIFE! Rock The Fucking Boat and Live DON’T JUST EXIST.

If Your Scored a 25: Break out the Tin Foil and Start making Hats, and Hanging Coat Hangers from Your Ceiling because Your about to be ABDUCTED BY MOTHERFUCKING ALIENS.

If You Scored 26-29: You will Travel to The Land of the Rising Sun more commonly known as Japan. You will go to Climb to the Summit of Mount Fuji. Unfortunately for You You hike through the Northwestern Flank of Mt. Fuji through Aokigahara Forrest or as its more commonly known The Suicide Forrest. Aokigahara is Notoriously known as the WORLD’S SECOND MOST POPULAR SUICIDE LOCATION. You like so many others will simply Vanish never to be seen again. NO SWIMMING IN THE SEA OF TREES KIDS.

If You Scored a 30: Your a Trendy Hipster. Commercialism Defines You, YOU ARE YOUR POSSESSIONS. Your a fucking Sheep moseying to the Slaughter as it were. You should seriously think about doing the ENTIRE WORLD a fucking Favor and Hurry up and Die. Sorry You just SUCK that BAD.

If You Scored a 31-39: Your Genetically Prone to Bear Attack so watch Your ass in the Woods. Smokey is NO Friend of Yours I assure You of that. He too is a Bear and will maul You possibly to Death just like Yogi or Boo Boo.

If You Scored a 35: You Have Genital Herpies, but hey thats better than fucking AIDS. Best You Stock up on Valtex now before its TOO LATE.

If You Scored a 36-39: You Will Be Killed By Spontaneous Combustion. Wish We had some advice unfortunately there is NO RESEARCH or Reliable Available Data on the Phenomenon.

If You Scored a 40: You will be part of the Colonization of Mars so Set Phasers to Stun, and Have a Safe Trip. Happy Travels and God Speed You Black Emperor.

If You Scored 41-44: We hate to be the ones to break this to You. Your Guardian Angel is a Demon in Disguise. We Recommend You See The Catholic’s about a Exorcism or Seek out a Reki Master to rid You of this certain Divinity Based issue. Tell Linda Blair Hi For Us.

If You Scored 45: Congratulations Your Related to Caligula one of the Sickest and Twisted Roman Emperors in all of Human History. Sorry not everyone can be related to Tom fucking Cruise or some other Famous Asshole.

If You Scored 46-49: You are Destined to be killed prematurely by a Tragic and Freak Colonic Accident. Talk about the Shit Hitting the Fan.

If You Scored a 50: WINNER, WINNER CHICKEN DINNER & GIVE YOURSELF A CIGAR. Make it a Fidel Castro Turn in His Grave.

If You Scored a 51-54: You will make Your Fortune by Buying Pork Belly Stocks and Selling Gold (Stocks). Just ask Mortimer I’ll bet You a Dollar He’s Trade Places with You in a fucking Heart Beat baby.

If You Scored a 55: Live Like An Angel, Die Like a Demon because You will certainly be Killed By Death. We’re NOT just spitting Venom are We Lemmy.

If You Scored a 56-59: You will be the First Person in History to Invent an ACTUAL WIDGET. You can use Economics to bring it to Reality.

If You Scored a 60: Your Not Real. You Believed Yourself into Existence. You Imagined Your Fiction into Fact. Keep the Faith or Literally Fade Away.

If You Scored 61-64: Your Your Own Doppelgänger a Non Biological related look a like Double (often considered Evil or Supernatural by Nature) of a Living Person. Technically You shouldn’t even still Exist. The belief goes if One meets Their Doppelgänger They BOTH WILL CEASE TO EXIST. You see They cancel Each other Out of Existence like adding a Positive and a Negative Number. Well at Least Germany is Nice this Time of Year.

If You Scored a 65: Break Out the Spandex because You will be joining an 80’s Hair Metal Cover Band destined to become Local Legends. Just be sure to Remember along the way That Every Rose Has Its Thorn.

If You Scored 66-69: Get ready You’ll be Heading to Ozzy Osbourne’s Final Final Tour when it comes to your particular Town/City. You will have seats in the First Row Front and Center, BUT OZZY will be Tripping His Balls Off on a cocktail of Hallucinogens. Under the Influence Ozzy will Hallucinate that Your a Giant Fruit Bat, and will Bite Your fucking Head Off. At Least You won’t need to get Rabies Shots.

If You Scored a 70: You will have an illustrious Career as a Glu Sniffing Rhine Stony Professional Line Dancing Disco Cowboy. So Break Out the BeDazzler and Go fucking Nuts!

If You Scored a 71-74: You will become The World’s First BITCOIN MULTI BILLIONAIRE, The King of Crypto Currency. Unfortunately its NOT a RECOGNIZED CURRENCY by the Rest of the World so Spending it will be impossible. At least You can treat Yourself to one hell of a Dark Web Shopping Spree.

If You Scored a 75: You will be the One to Find Jimmy Hoffa who then union discovery will make You Disappear. At least its better than finding The Infamous Bum Farto (and YES Bum Farto is/was a Actual Real Life Person, He’s good for a Google.)

If You Scored a 76-79: You will Win a Noble Prize for Your Research and Development of Robotics. Then You will venture into Fringe Robotic Sciences and start Experimenting on Yourself. Eventually You will become a Certified Cyborg, BUT You’ll have become Addicted to Robotic Body Modification. You will keep going until You in the end are 100% Robot. Look on the bright side Perhaps SkyNet is Hiring.

If You Scored an 80: You will Abandon Your current life, Home, Friends, Family, and Possessions for a Life as a Carnie bouncing From County Fair to County Fair, and Traveling Circus to Traveling Circus. You’ll become a Functional Alcoholic with a growing Meth and Pain Killer Addiction. You will Die leaving a 90 Pound, Toothless, Jaundice Ridden, Sickly Yellow Colored Corpse. You should have Listened to Nancy fucking Regan and just said NO.

If You Scored a 81-84: You will get Married and have a large Family. You will still live close to Your Parents and Siblings. You will have a successful enough career in Your Profession of Choice, and as so You will want to Care for Them incase You Die suddenly. So You get a Hefty Life Insurance Policy. 6 Months Later on One of Your Family Members (possibly working with One or More additional Family Accomplices) will Murder You for the Life Insurance Money. Remember kiddies One of the FASTEST way to get Yourself Killed is Buying Life Insurance.

If You Scored a 85: You will become hopelessly Addicted to Hardcore Fetish Pornography and as a Result You will for Go Sleep and Food until You’ve Literally Masturbate Yourself to Death. Remember Kiddies TOO MUCH of a GOOD thing can fucking kill Your ass.

If You Scored a 86-89: You will meet Your Idol, Murder Them, and Take Their Place. DYI Bodysnatchers.

If You Scored a 90: You will be the First and Only Person to Navigate down to the VERY BOTTOM of The Maritime Trench more than 36,201 feet Below Sea Level. You will see Wonders that No other Human has ever laid eyes on. You’ll see Aquatic Sea Creatures No One even knew Existed. You will see the Secrets Beneath The Sea no one has been able to See, but not due to a lack of trying mind You. Sad to say You will never be able to tell a single Soul what You saw as You will Be Devoured by a Undiscovered Species of Giant Predatory and Deadly Jellyfish.

If You Scored a 91: Your Fate is Sealed. You one Day take a Tour of the Distillery where Your Favorite Alcoholic Beverage is Made. During the Tour some impatient Asshole will shove His/Her way forward from the Back of the Group to the Front. Inevitably this Unknown Asshole will invariantly push You into a MASSIVE Fermentation Tank where You will Drink Yourself to a Euphoric Death while waiting to be fished out. So much for Drinking Responsibly.

If You Scored a 92: Well We’re not sure what the fuck to say really. 92 is obviously a PERFECT Score, Yet NOBODY IS IN FACT PERFECT. As far as We can tell You must be an Inter Dimensional Entity or Being from a Parallel Universe. Thats It. Thats all We got.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober