Tag: Alternative Comedy

My Two Cents On Three Subjects.

Since Mondays can be a Little Mind Muddling I figured I’d Keep it Simple and Give You My So-Called Two Cents on Three Separate Subjects. The Topics are divided into the following Categories Not So Current Events, Morbid & Murderous, and Utter Absurdity for Absurdity’s Sake. Feel Free to Discuss Them with Your Friends, Family, Co-Workers, and General Public since Americans use Their fucking Smart Phones instead of Their Actual Smarts. The Bottomline is the “Smarter” the Phone the fucking Stupider the User Becomes as They’re Dumbed Down to Moronic Levels but I digress. Without further ado Let’s get Started.

     

No So Current Events:

I have purposefully tried to Avoid Posting about the Global COVID Pandemic for a Myriad of fucking Reasons, But there is One fucking thing I just Can NOT Stay Silent About. The Pandemic Hot Button Topic I am going to Address here is Kids Going Back To School. Now I’m not here for an In-depth fucking discussion of Kids, School, and all the Usual Bullshit since We all Know why school is Important and that Socialization is Vitally Important so I refuse to Beat a Dead Horse.

My Issue Lies Solely with the Parents. As We are all more than aware Parents are fucking Notorious for Bombarding Other People They encounter with Stories, Pictures, Videos, Social Media Posts, and General Bullshit about Their fucking Kid(s). They spout cliche shit like

  • “Children are a True Blessing”
  • “Having a Kid/Kids Changes Your Life Forever”
  • “Raising Kids is the Greatest Accomplishment One can Accomplish.”
  • “If You Don’t have a Kid/Kids Then You Just Don’t Understand.”
  • “It’s a Shame They Grow Up So Fast.”
  • “Their (Kids) are Angels here to Enlighten Your Life.”
  • “Children are the Future.”
  • “Anything for the Kids.”
  • “I’d Die before I let anything Bad happen to a single Hair on My Child’s Head.”

                  

Along with an Arsenal of Other Parental Wisdoms They Intend  to spread to the Four fucking Corners of the fucking Earth. This Overwhelming Desire to Subjugate the Rest of the World Population to Their Parenting Bullshit seems to be EXTREMELY HYPOCRITICAL in the Age of Covid. When it came to Opening Schools/Sending Kids back to School during an Ongoing Global Pandemic at First Parents were Wary as They damn well Should Be, but then there was a MONUMENTAL ATTITUDE SHIFT among Parents as the Months Rolled On By. Then all of a Sudden One Day the Topic of Kids actually Viably and Safety returning to School Exploded like a fucking Powder Keg across America.

The Next thing Anyone Knew Parents were EVERYWHERE Online, Social Media, and TV Whining Ironically like Bratty Kids about How Much They Wanted Their Kids Back At School. This simple above all had nothing to do with what’s Best for the Kids but What the Aggravated Parents wanted Do to Quarantine. Basically Parents where SICK AND TIRED of having Their Kids with Them in Quarantine and were Blatantly Pushing the School Opening so Their Kids would be SOMEONE ELSE’S PROBLEM. Its fucking astounding How Parents in America Act like They’re Entitled to having The Educational System Raising THEIR fucking Kids for Them. It took just a Matter of Months before Parents couldn’t get Away from Their fucking Kids Fast Enough, and to make it worse where All Over the Place Whining About it like Assholes. Also this is fucking shitty because NOT ONLY are You willing to put Your Child, Yourself, Friends, Family, Teachers, and School Staff in Harms Way (could Result in Their DEATH) because KIDS BECAME TOO INCONVENIENT FOR THEIR PARENTS.

Now the ONLY People You should Listen to in an Emergency especially if its fucking Life or Death to THE EXPERTS Not the Media, Social Media Mob, or Online Idiots and Assholes. I’ll just make My Point by saying if I had a Child or Children During this Covid-19 Pandemic I WOULDN’T SEND THEM TO SCHOOL UNTIL ALL TEACHERS AND SCHOOL STAFF ARE VACCINATED, AND THE CDC SAYS IT’S OK. Parents were Literally Gambling with Their Kids (Along with Theirs and Others) Lives because They were Aggravated by Their Supposedly Precious Little Angels. The Hypocrisy was/is Absolutely fucking Astounding that People would Praise Their Kids Until They wanted a Break From Them then All Bets are Off as it were.

MORBID AND MURDEROUS: HOW TO DISPOSE OF DEAD NINJAS

The Most Effective way to Remove and Transport The Corpse of a Dead Ninja is to Simply Cut it Up into 6 Separate Pieces. The You Place the Torso on the Bottom, Fold the Legs and Place Them on Top of the Torso. Next You fold and Place the Arms on Top of the Legs, and Then Lastly Place the Head like the Cherry on a Sunday made of Human Flesh.

You can NOT Burn a Body of a Dead Ninja Properly to Dispose of it. Only a Professional Crematorium has the Equipment Needed to Incinerate an Entire Human Corpse. To Fully dispose of a Human Corpse (with the Exception of small Pieces of Left over Bone) You need a Heat Source of 2,700 Degrees Fahrenheit for Several Hours. This can Not be Accomplished by Dousing the Corpse in a Flammable Fluid and setting it Ablaze.

When Disposing of the Corpse of a Dead Ninja in a Body of Water can be Much Trickier than Most People would Think. The Problem is Bodies Bloat which means They will Float like a Motherfucker, and They Rot so They tend to break free and Float to the Surface. The Issue is when the Human Body starts to Decay it Swells with Gases like a fucked up Cadaver Balloon making it Buoyant. The First method to handle this Problem would to Stab the Corpse just below the Heart to Slice Open the Stomach. This way the Gases can’t Build Up and Increase the Chance of the Bodie becoming a Floater. The Problem with this is Anchoring the Body is still an Issue. You see Crabs, Fish, and Other Aquatic Life feed on the Rotting Flesh until the Body starts to come apart. So if you Anchored the Body with Chains (around the hands and Feet) sooner or later due to Time or Animals will Decay away, and thus the Body can be moved about by Weather or Currents. The most Effective way to Dispose of a Corpse in a Body of Water is to Wrap Chicken Wire Around it from Head to Toe mind You so You’ll Need a Rather Large Piece. This way when the Body Starts to Bloat the Chicken Wire will Lacerate the Rotten Flesh Not only Releasing the Built Up Gas but Also Keeping the Body Tightly Secured within the Chicken Wire.

One of the MOST EFFECTIVE AND TABOO ways to Dispose of a Dead Ninja’s Body is to Actually Eat the Evidence, and then Grind Down the Leftover Bones into Dust. No Body No Crime.

UTTERLY ABSURD:

This is The Semi Annual Podunkville Turkey Vulture Report. The Tirkey Vulture Road Kill Clean Up Crews are Seriously Lacking resulting in an Overall Rating at the Time of this Evaluation a Solid D. If You are in the Podunkville area and See a Turkey Vulture Please tell it in Your most Assertive Voice to “GO BACK TO WORK YOU FUCKING BUM!” We suggest You do this from an EXTREMELY SAFE DISTANCE or Optimally from the Confines of a Motor Vehicle. This is Specifically for Your Safety as Turkey Vultures are Rather Large Disagreeable Birds with Seriously Shitty Attitudes, and They are Armed with Razor Sharp Talons and Powerful Beaks.

Also Turkey Vultures are Known for Vomiting on Their Enemies primarily as a Defense Tactic, But You Know what They Say the Best Offense is a Good Defense. It  is also Unconfirmed as of Now, Yet Perturbed Turkey Vultures may try and Shit on You (as well as Vomit) when Confronted in what They perceive to be an Unkindly Manner. There is No Official Strike by the Turkey Vultures as of Yet and There are Rumors of Turkey Vultures succumbing to Anorexia. Whatever the Reason the Turkey Vultures of Podunkville need to return to Their Regularly Scheduled Scavenging as Soon as Possible before The Road become Littered with Carcasses, and Dominated by the Pungent Stench of Death and Decay.

Thanks For Reading,

By Les Sober

The News Hasn’t Happened Yet #3: UP

With all of the Chaotic Bullshit in the Mass Media and Social Media with Lies, Misinformation, and just Plain Fake News getting Accurate Information has become Increasingly Hard to Find.

So We decided Everyone needed a Break from the Psychotic News Cycle, and Here is Some News We All Can Enjoy. This is The News Hasn’t Happened Yet #3: UP by One of Our Absolute Favorite Animators of All Time Mr. David Firth.

For those of You Who do Not Know or May Not Be Aware David Firth is an English Animator, Director, Writer, Musician, Actor, Voice Actor, Video Artist, and Broadcaster of Whom We are a Big Fan of Here at FYB. Several of Firth’s works in Flash Animation, along with Multiple Music Videos and Works of Video Art, have Garnered a Large Followings.

Enjoy.

David Firth in His Own Words:

“Trying to make sense of the news. Hello my name is David Firth The news won’t happen. The rotting newscorpse. We make the news. he news exploded. Big bits in a bag of newspiss. Bits of buggery newsy shit that nobody news about. When no one news. No one could nevernews spilling the news it’s a factbomb or truthbomb not lying news newsergate newsbomb often called the dogsmack news witnessing the great news crash clickbait cracknews makes a stink news from the dogpipe. Nothing is happening anywhere ever. There is no news. The news hasn’t happened yet. The news didn’t happen, did it? The news won’t happen, but you’ll forget about old news that never happened as the promise of new news will replace it. Exploding newspiss. This was just my thought process for the title. I thought I’d leave it here. Otherwise it’s just a hidden compost heap in a file on my PC that will never again be accessed.”  -David Firth-

The News Hasn’t Happened Yet #3 : UP Headlines:

  • The Debate Over if a Pigeon Flew into the International Space Station.
  • Experts Claim Everything is Perfect.
  • 3 New Brand New Species of Bird Found on The Moon!
  • Does the Moon in fact Even Exist, and if Not What about the Birds?
  • Are Birds just Tiny Dragons?
  • Is Life actual an Illusion?
  • Inter-dimensional Space Rabbits!
  • UP gets Banned!
  • Is Space a Hoax?
  • The Dispute over the Existence of the International Space Station.
  • Are People Being Brainwashed?
  • Space Lizards!
  • What exactly is UP?
  • Are People Happier or more Depressed than Before?
  • Where Can We Find Space?

Enjoy.  (Music By Locust Toy Box)

Thanks For Watching,

Presented By Les Sober  

Stupid shit I do when I get bored

What sucks so fucking bad about boredom is its boring and is know so by all who have ever existed. The best weapon in the arsenal of entertainment is to just make your own when all else falls flat on its face like your drunk uncle. I like to believe that I have redefined the concept of self entertainment when it comes to the stupid shit I do when I have to combat bored. I’ll let you be the judge. Bring on the list lets see that motherfucker!

The stupid shit I do when I get bored list:

  • Just the other day I had bought a rubber band gun to dissuade our upiity ass new kitten from misbehaving (main offense antagonizing the fuck out of the older house cat). I decided to load the gun with as many rubber bands as I fucking possibly could so I sat there adding one after the other until I had reached maximum capacity. That night as per usual the kitten started acting like a insane idiot and I was engaged in hunting her down to adviser her to cease and desist. Well if you have ever looked for a cat you already know that cats can be elusive motherfuckers when they want to be. Ninjas don’t have shit on cats its a fact so look it up. Anyway I colluded locate her and I have no idea why (it wasn’t fucking premeditated is all) when I passed my wife laying on the couch I yelled “SNATCH SHOT!” and unloaded ever last one of the rubber bands into my wife’s crotch. She had been engrossed in some YouRube video so she was startled as fuck and none too happy.

      

  • This week while keeping my wife company while grocery shopping a boring activity if there ever fucking was one am I right? Yeah I am. Anyways as my wife was selecting a piece of cow meat we would be dinning on that evening I saw a price tag. I don’t even remember what kind of meat it was but if I had to guess it was some pork tenderloin or something similar I suppose. The price was $6.96 and agin for no rhyme or reason I suddenly hauled the hell off and punched the shit out of that pork tenderloin thing. I then picked it up and loudly announced to my fellow shoppers “696 OFFEND MY FAMILY AND INSULTS OUR HONOR!”
  • A Frequent habit I have had for a  extremely long ass time is when I’m out shopping with any doesn’t matter who the hell it is I start sneaking the most fucking random items into the cart when they aren’t looking (like a fucking cat). Then at check out I watch as they unload their shit at check out and discover my additions to their carts one by one intermediately through out the checking out process. You see you have to make sure as shit you dispense the various ass items in at different times and in different parts of the cart to fully drag the awkward confusion out.
  • Once in a while I’ll go to Dick’s sporting goods acting like an unhappy and irate customer with an ax to grind. I then when I encounter the first fucking employee I can demand that I talk to someone with authority. That means I want to talk to the biggest dick there.

   

  • I enjoy tracking down owners of Badcock Furniture Stores and inquiring why they haven’t legally changed their name from Badcock to something more flattering and advantageous. I then give examples such as Bigcock, Hugecock, Monstercock, Giantcock, Bigoldcock, or Giantcock.
  • I once in a blue moon if I’m in a store such as HomeDepot I like to wander over to the appliance section and find dishwashers, refrigerators , washing machines etc. Once I’m there I wait milling around aimlessly until no one is around and then I fart into the particular appliance.  That way hopefully when the next person opens it to check it out it smells like ass inside.
  • When it comes to farting I also enjoy walking down the aisle of a store, stopping momentarily, farting, and walking away to an observation point. So then all I have to do is watch different shopper’s reactions when they walk through it. If they’re alone they’re all “what’s that pungent stench?”or if their with other people “Which one of these people I’m with is farting the place up?”
  • I have the juvenile habit of walking past friends who are sitting so I can fart in their face and ask “So what I have for lunch?!”
  • I tell people from time to time that I’m a doctor and when they ask what kind of doctor I am I tell them I’m a doctor of doctoring. You’d be fucking surprised how many people never question that statement as it sounds like some odd ass medical shit (and we all know how odd medical shit so lets just fucking admit it).
  • I have over the years also added a second version of the being a doctor of doctoring or more like a definition as it were. I explain that a doctor of doctoring is an extremely elite specialist who only treats other doctors.

  • I have been know to call church’s in the area and ask them why they seem to be having such a hard time finding Jesus.
  • Having some telemarketing experience I will cold call people and ask then to participate in a market research survey. The survey then turns out to be some ridiculous shit like with equally stupid questions. Examples of some such questions: “Have you ever taken part in any kind of spaghetti wrestling, and if yes were the noodles Ramen noodles?!” or “If one in the hand is better than two in the bush how do you feel about this exchange rate?”
  • I am a fan of hassling pescatarians about eating fish. Pescatarians are and I quote “People who do not eat meat, but they do eat fish.” So what the fuck are they classifying fish as? Fish isn’t a fruit, it isn’t a vegetable or dairy product so what the fuck do they mean?! Fish are living, breathing, breeding creatures with a natural life cycle so if they aren’t meat WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY THEN?!!
  • I get a kick out of sending take out food from one restaurant and have it delivered to another restaurant. There’s no purpose here other than for fucking laughs. The idea of the confusion and befuddling of staff by sending a Sushi platter to a Mexican restaurant or Indian food to a Italian restaurant is the motivator.

  • I have shit in inappropriate areas like parking lots, public fountains, people’s front lawns or some other common space area. When I’m confronted for my righteous public pooping I explain I was raised by Wild Animals (the animal changes regularly) and that’s how I learned to shit. That or I explain I’m from a poor ass family in Appalachia who lived in a one room shack so we were raised to just shit outside.
  • I used to call 411 and ask irrelevant questions like “Why does my dick look like a pickle its all green and bumpy?!”
  • I have on occasion called PetSmart or PetCo’s grooming department as a possible new client inquiring about their shrives and prices. I then ask them how much would it cost for my Bearded Dragon a haircut.
  • I’ve called random New Yorkers and asked why so they such bad insomnia in Ny since NY is the city that never sleeps?!
  • Occasionally I will go into fast food restaurant restrooms, go into one of the stalls, kneel down (have to make it realistic people!), and start making horribly violent vomiting sounds.
  • A couple of times I called Catholic churches pretending to be a Child Abuse/Anti-Pedophilia Charity soliciting donations.
  • I frequently punch packaged meat in grocery stores while yelling “ADRIAN!!”
  • I once called an abortion clinic to inquire about aborting my older brother.
  • I have told (and tried to convince) people I was born I believed myself into existence.

      

  • I like to call Law Firms/ Lawyers and to inquire about filing a restraining order on the grounds of sexual harassment against myself since I’m self employed.
  • I take one of those DNA or Ancestry tests and when the results finally arrive I harass customer service over the fact the test failed to prove my relation to Bigfoot.
  • I enjoy insisting to people that if latin is a dead language than anyone who still uses it (like doctors or lawyers for example) is in fact dead.
  • Several times I have gone to the zoo for the sole purpose of flinging my feces at the monkeys.
  • When bored I indulge in my favorite hobby: Douche Spotting.
  • I have demanded to know from soccer moms why there aren’t any other sports moms like Baseball moms and all that shit?!
  • I once stood outside of a sperm bank offering people going in free samples of my sperm.
  • A few times I have gone to sex anonymous meeting and handed out condoms, lube, and Lithuanian Viagra.

    

  • One of my personal favorite things to do when I get bored is probably the easiest (and shall well say “less objectionable” selections on this list). Step One  I briskly walk up to strangers with my hand up with pointer finger fully extended. Step 2 When I reach then I look in their eyes and squint as if I recognize them, but can’t remember their name. Step 3 I open my mouth as if I’m about to say something. Step 4 abruptly I close my mouth, look away, lower my hand, and briskly walk off. Now some people may be tempted to add an addition intro phrase such as “Excuse Me….” or “I just noticed….” this is fucking stupid because the point is too leave the person confused as fuck. Once you have walked off you want the said person to wonder who you were and more over what the hell were you about to say to them. The addition of words defeats the point so yeah there’s that.
  • I tend to when I get bored go to a local food store or grocery and create a godawful fucking scene by openly debating (to the point of rage) what the difference is between a Burrito and a Chimichanga is.
  • I get a kick out of telling fellow bar patrons that my favorite specialty drink I ever had was The Pale of Champale at_____ (Insert fictional place of choice), and then explain it’s a pale like you’d see at your garden variety hardware store filled to the brim with Champale.
  • Once in a while when I get bored I make a scene in public trying to literally kiss my own ass goodbye after just receiving some serious bad news from my doctor.

  • Quite often I go to my local gym and sit around eating the most unhealthy fatty food that couldn’t possible have another calorie added to it. When the gym rats and regulars get all bent out of shape about it. When they approach me about why I’m there I can tell them I’m an amateur sumo wrestler, and that I’m in training for the next Olympics because if I win a medal I can go pro.
  • Once many moons ago when I got bored I poured a shot of some rank cheap as bottom barrel bourbon, gargled with it, and then spit it out. I them poured beer into my hand and rubbed it through my hair and beard. Then for good measure I dribbled some beer down the front of my shirt. Next I drove around town until I saw a cop at which point I start to drive erratically until they pull me over. They get one wife of the booze and yank my ass out of the car for a sobriety test which I pass with flying fucking colors mind you. The cop will gets twisted because he/she can’t understand what the hell is happening. They will inevitable ask why you wreck of alcohol but are as sober as a goddamn judge. That when I replied “Well I’m tonight’s designated distraction.” WARNING: if the cop is an unforgiving prick you can be ticked or even taken into custody for this SO DO NOT TRY THIS ANYWHERE AT ANYTIME. THERE I LEGALLY COVERED MY ASS!

 

  • I call an import/export company and export some random shit. Then I call back the next day and hire them to specifically import everyone of the exports I sent out the pervious day.
  • I have been known when I get bored to call local businesses (especially malls) who have signs stating that pets aren’t allowed accept for seeing eye dogs, and ask them who the signs are for?! I then point out that the blind person in question can’t see nor read the sign because they are fucking blind. Meanwhile the seeing eye dog can’t read the sign so maybe a fucking sign falls a little fucking short of effective.
  • I make up absurd historical facts and attempt to convince them its true. For example the crock pot was derived from the ancient crotch pot. The crotch pot was a small clay jar that people kept between their legs for 12 -16 hours to heat the food contained within. To sell this one you can site the fact that Ancient Mongolian Warriors would take a piece of raw meat, stick it between the horse and the saddle to “cook” it. Then just google it and use it as an example of primitive cooking methods.
  • I hangout at local dog parks posing as a parks department employee who has been hired by the city to scoop the dog poop at the dog park. The reason the position was created was due to the increasing incidents of people getting in fist fights with other dog owners who use the park, but don’t pick up after their fucking dog. After I explain the position I then inform whomever I’m speaking with that while I’m a official  parks employee I work for tips due to department budget cuts.

 

  • If I get bored on vacation I just load up a bunch of scuba diving gear and other aquatic gadgets and head to the nearest lake. I then get in the water and start to act like a bonafide lunatic setting ups ll kinds of weird camera apparatus and drawing a lot of attention. That way when the people around me work up the courage/nerve to inquire as to what the hell I’m up to I tell them I’m hunting the Lock Ness Monster. When they point out that I’m not at Loch Ness the lake where the Loch Ness monster is alleged to reside I claim that the Loch Ness Monster has a distinct migratory pattern. It uses this unique migration  pattern to migrate from lake to lake around the world to avoid detection. This is why no one has been able to find or present any evidence of the Loch Ness monster’s existence.
  • I am found of logging onto dating websites so I can brag that I’m depended from a long historical line of bathroom attendants.

I think that’s enough for now so…

See you later,

by Justine Sane  

I’ve Seen Some Stupid Shit But This Is A New One

This Story Starts a Short While before the 2020 Election when it was Revving Up to be the Total Post Election Shit Show it is Currently. One Day I had to Run a Mundane Errand that required that I Drive over to a Near by Neighboring Town. This is a frequent Side Effect of Living in a Town So Small it Only has one Single Traffic Light is it Requires that You Travel for a wide Variety of Reasons. The Main Reason being in a Small Town You have Limited Choices (and Certain Product Availability) so Traveling to a More Populated Area becomes Part of the Chore.

This Particular Drive is Quite Scenic as it Runs Through a Mix of Pine Forrests and Farming Fields with the Odd Small House/ Mobile Home sprinkled in Here and There. The Road as one might Imagine Qualifies as the Road Less Taken since You can Drive Miles before seeing Even One Other Car on the Road. Around the Midway Point of the Journey on the right side of the Road Across from a Empty Farmer’s Field is what appears at first to be a Viable Side Street or Road if You will. It is in fact The Top of someone’s Driveway You Can’t actually see the House from the Road because it’s Hidden in a You Guessed it One Forrest. What You can See is that approximately a Quarter Mile down this Long ass Driveway is a Large Cast Iron Gate Blocking. There’s 10 Foot Brown Stone Walls on Either Side of the Gate that Start about Ten Feet High and Taper off toward the Ground. I have No Idea what the Aesthetic Brown Stones are because I’m not a fucking Geologist, but They Look Halfway Decent.

         

Now as I Mentioned this was in the Pre 2020 Election and America was in a Chaotic Frenzy. Well on this particular Day as I drove by I Noticed the Residents had Placed 25-30 Elect Trump Yard Signs about Four Feet Apart Down both sides of their Driveway.  It was Overkill in Every Sense of the Word. Now We Fast Forward the Election is Over, Biden has Been Certified by the Electoral Collage, and its been a Month and a Half Past Election Night. So the Next Time I had to had to Run an Errand Out that Way it was No Real Surprise that the Elect Trump 2020 Yard Signs had been Removed. Now on the Way into Town I Noticed a Excessively Large Banner Displayed at the Top of the Same Property where the Elect Trump 2020 signs had Previously been. I noticed it too Late to see what it Said, but I decided that right then and there that on the Way Back I would Most Definitely Find out what this Banner was all About.

On the Way Back I made sure to Slow Down (which is Easy to do on a Road with Virtually no Traffic as I mention Earlier) so I could take in the Banner in its Entirety and What I saw I found Absolutely Dumbfounding. At the Top Half of the Banner on a Dark Navy Background it Said in Big Block Letter in all Caps “TRUMP SIGN THIEVES” and there was a Phone Number displayed Under it also in Big Ass Font. The Bottom Half consisted of 3 Pictures of Three Different Cars of the Suspected Sign Thieves Vehicles, but We’ll get back to that in a Minute. It was Painfully and Blatantly Obvious that the Home Owner was 1. Die Hard Trump Supporter 2. Was Pissed as Hell about Their Elect Trump 2020 Yard Signs being Stolen. What I want to Know is What the fuck do Does the Home Owner Expect to Happen pertaining to The Stolen Yard Sign Banner?

                  

I First thought to Myself Seriously How fucking Stupid since Yard Signs Run an Average of 97 Cents to Custom Make so This Person was Out a Whopping $48.50. This is Horribly Ironic since this Banner They had made cost Them a Couple Hundred Dollars so that 3-4 times as Much as the Cost of the Yard Signs. I just figure Out if You’re Pissed about being Out $50 Why the Hell would You then Invest a Couple Hundred in an Additional Banner? I may be Shitty at Math but Even I can tell You That Doesn’t Add Up. The Only Possibly Reason I could Muster was The Home Owner Truly Believed that the Stolen Yard Sign Banner would in deed Pay Off in the End. Still the Question Remained What was the Intention of the Home Owner since They are having a rather Extreme Reaction to the Theft of Their Shitty Elect Trump 2020 Year Signs?

This is My Hypothesis on this Oddly Absurd Situation. Once the Home Owner Saw the Signs were Stolen the Enraged Idiot(s) called the fucking Local Police and Reported it. The Cops basically Blew the Hoe Owner Off due to the Ridiculous Nature of the So Called Offense. Then the Pissed Off Assholes decided They would have to take Matter into Their Own Hands with Their Bizarre Brand of Vigilante Justice. They then had to Spend some Time coming up with a Course of Action and in The End They settled on Big Ass Bullshit Banner. Next They had to go to a Graphics Shop and have the Banner made and again Pay a Few Hundred Dollars for it. After that They returned Home and Erected the Batshit Banner at the Top of Their Driveway, and I assume are Still Waiting for the Banner to yield Results.

At this Point I’d like to Readdress the 3 Large Blown Up Pictures of the Alleged Sign Thieves Vehicles. The First Thing I’d like to Address is the Fact that These Pictures are so Shitty and Off Point its fucking Mind Boggling. What I mean is all Three Picture are Utterly Useless since NO INFORMATION can be deduced from Them. You See Each Picture Failed to Catch the Car’s License Plate which is in the Second Chapter of “The Big Book of Duh”.  Since all the Photos are Shot at Insanely Strange Angles You also have No Chance to possible See the Driver or Anyone Else Who Might be in the Car. For all Intents and Purposes the Pics look like they were taken by a Drone that was being Operated by The Clueless Village Idiot. I say this because Not Only  all the Car Photos Void of Any Pertinent Information Whatsoever the Picture seem to have been taken From Above at Random Angles. It’s Almost as if the Camera was Basically Shooting Down from Above the Cars.

Not to Mention the Fact The Home Owner had Photos (as Shitty as They Were) actually had Photos since where the fuck was the Camera Located in the First Place? With a Vast and Empty FArmer’s Field across the Road from the Property there is No Where to Attach any Type of Camera since Theres Literally Nothing to Attach it too. This Must Mean the Camera would have to have Been Mounted on the Same side of the Street as the Home Owner’s Property. The Issue there is again Where was the Camera Located? My Wife Theorized the Pictures were Caught by a Security Camera at the Gate. The Problem with that is as I said the Gate is a Quarter Mile Down from the Road, and since the Yard Signs were running down the Sides of the Main Road the Camera couldn’t see Shit to take a Picture.

                  

The Next Option would have been the Most Likely in Most Cases. We live in a Rural ass Area where Hunting and Fishing are as Big as Professional Sports, and Most Hunters Use Motion Activated Trail Cameras to Surveil Perspective Hunting Territory for Game. Thus it would make the Most Sense if Someone mounted a Trail Camera or Perhaps Several to the Pine Trees that Comprise the Forrest on the Home Owner’s Property. The Only Problem with the Stolen Sign Situation is a Trail Camera Would Have to be Mounted at the Same Hight as the Cars, and Not 15 feet up the Trunk of the Tree since its Motion Activated (and You’d want to Photograph Cars Not Birds Flying in the Distance). Thats How I came to the Only Reason I could Think of which is it was a Drone Camera but Who fucking Knows.

As for the Intent of the Banner I am Equally as Clueless as I still can’t Deduct what the fuck the Home Owner thinks is going to Happen as a Result of Their Banner? The Police aren’t going to be of any Assistance due to it being No Where Near a Priority, and The Only Evidence is the Three aforementioned Crappy Photos a 3 Cars that contain Nothing of Value as far as Information. So is the Home Owner Honestly expecting that some Stranger Driving down the Main Road Outside of their Property, See the Banner, and Somehow be Able to Identify One of the Cars. This is Already a Never Going to Happen Hell or High Water Situation, but I’ll Play Devil’s Advocate for the Sake of Argument.

                

Let’s Say Someone did see the Banner and All That the Home Owner is Banking on that Person Giving as Big as a Shit about the Stolen Signs as the Owner. The Stranger would have to be Equally as Enraged over a Case of Stolen Yard Signs to even Give a Shit. If it were Me and I saw the Banner and Actually Knew One of the Cars (“Oh Shit Thats Phil’s Car!”) the Next time I saw the Car Owner I’d tell Him how Hilarious I find the Whole thing and Way to Go. Point Being the Last damn thing I’d do is call the Number on the Sign I simply wouldn’t Say Shit. Lastly even if the Home Owner found Out Who the Cars Belong To fuck are They Going to Do? There’s really No Legal Recourse (just ask the Cops who were annoyed by the Reporting of this Piddly Shit) so They could Only do One of Two Things.

Option One is to Tell Everyone around since Word Travels fast in a Small Town where Everybody Knows Everybody. This would be to Call the Culprit Out and Publicly Shame Them in the Eyes of Their Friends, Family, and Community (Most of Which are Avid Church Goers so “Thou Shall Not Steal’). I also Suppose in this Day and Age They could do the Same by Talking Shit on Social Media to Vent as well as Call Out the Guilty Party. If the Home Owner is a real Dicks They could Go Over to the Alleged Guilty Person’s Residence and Address the Matter Face to Face. This would Not be a Safe Decision since the Home Owner Would Either End Up In Jail for Showing Up and Acting like a World Class Asshole or For Killing the Supposedly Guilty Person. That or They End up Getting Shot, Beaten to a Bloody Pulp  or Killed Themselves. Anyway You Slice it it Always Ends Badly for the Idiotic Home Owner. So the Question Remains the Same: What the Fuck is the Point?

Besides it being an Utter Absurdity of the Situation I’m just Relieved it s something Entertaining instead of Asinine. I mean at Least it wasn’t a Situation like This Old Cranky Bastard that Lives in My Neighborhood Who is Still Flying His Elect Trump Flag like an Absolute Asshole.

Thanks For Reading,

By Les Sober  

Insane Animation: Beastenders

Welcome to Insane Animation Presenting Beastenders By Legendary British Animator Cyriak Harris. Cyriak Harris, known Mononymously as Cyriak and His B3ta Username Mutated Monty (Harris has been a Regular Contributor to the British Website B3ta since 2004), is a British Freelance Animator and Composer. He is known for His Surreal, Creepy, and Bizarre Short Web Animations with the Frequent Use of the Droste Effect, and Features Original Dance/Electronic Music By Harris as Well. Beatenders is a Parody of the Popular Long Running (1985-Present) and Award Winning British Soap Opera EastEnders.

     

Synopsis:

Spawned inside a Laboratory Full of Politician’s Heads in Jars a Mad Scientist Preforms Horrific Human Experiments. One of His Grossly Deformed Human Maggot Creation Spontaneously Vomits a Massive Living Blob made from a Variety of Mutated Humans that are Melded together (in a Fashion Reminiscent of the 1998 Horror Movie Society). The Human Blob Monster Escapes Smashing through the Wall , and runs Amok Wreaking Havoc on the Streets of London until it is Shot and Instantly Killed by a Tank. The Scientist Births a Second Humanoid Mutant from the Bloody Corpse of the Human Blob Monster, and the New Mutant Creature Continues the Rampage of Mass Destruction Until it Reaches Big Ben (Which it Climbs and Attempts to Eat). Suddenly a Giant Metal Head Blasts Off into the Sky before Transforming into a Huge Humanoid Robot. The Robot Precedes to Battle the Second Human Mutant Monster to Save London and Lives of its Residents.

       

Is the Robot Strong Enough to Vanquish the Abominable Beast in a Final Showdown to the Death or Will the Murderous Monster Hell Bent on Destroying London Prevail?  You’ll have to Watch and See.

Enjoy.

Thanks For Watching,

Presented By Les Sober  

The News Hasn’t Happened Yet #2: Clonka Minkus

With all of the Chaotic Bullshit in the Mass Media and Social Media with Lies, Misinformation, and just Plain Fake News getting accurate Information has become increasingly Hard to Find. Especially after the Last For Years the American Media have Lost Their Spines, Guts, and Testicular Fortitude. The Days of Hard Hitting Questions and Championing the Truth have given way to Sugar Coated, Watered Down, and Weak Willed Drivil. So We decided Everyone needed a Break from the Psychotic News Cycle, and Here is Some News We All Can Enjoy. This is The News Hasn’t Happened Yet 2: Clonka Minkus by One of Our Absolute Favorite Animators of All Time Mr. David Firth.

For those of You Who do Not Know or May Not Be Aware David Firth is an English Animator, Director, Writer, Musician, Actor, Voice Actor, Video Artist, and Broadcaster of Whom We are a Big Fan of Here at FYB. Several of Firth’s works in Flash Animation, along with Multiple Music Videos and Works of Video Art, have Garnered a Large Followings.

In The Artist’s Own Words:

“Trying to make sense of the news. The news won’t happen. The rotting newscorpse. We make the news. The news exploded. Big bits in a bag of newspiss. Bits of buggery newsy shit that nobody news about. When no one news. No one could nevernews spilling the news it’s a factbomb or truthbomb not lying news newsergate newsbomb often called the dogsmack news witnessing the great news crash clickbait cracknews makes a stink news from the dogpipe. Nothing is happening anywhere ever. There is no news. The news hasn’t happened yet. The news didn’t happen, did it? The news won’t happen, but you’ll forget about old news that never happened as the promise of new news will replace it. Exploding newspiss. This was just my thought process for the title. I thought I’d leave it here. Otherwise it’s just a hidden compost heap in a file on my PC that will never again be accessed.” -David Firth

On This Episode of The News Hasn’t Happened Yet #2:

  • The Crisis in Clonka Minkus
  • Dog Abortion in Switzerland
  • The Question: Do Dog’s Exist
  • Have Certain Videos Been Manipulated: Where the Subjects in the Videos Even There?
  • 70,ooo Immigrants Migrate to Clonka Monka after it’s Voted The Nicest Place to Live.
  • The 70,ooo Immigrants Disappear from Existence. Where Did They Go and Are They Coming Back?
  • Conspiracy Basket Cases/ Nut Jobs Share Their Opinions.
  • The Popularity of Surveys and Polls Among Different Age Groups and Who would take One?

Enjoy.

Thanks For Watching,

Presented By Les Sober 

Tidbits For Shits And Giggles: Think About This

We all Know Mondays fucking are Known for Sucking because well They Do. Mondays can be one of two things the first is They can be so goddamn Mind Numbingly Mundane, a Soul Sucking Grind if You Will, that You feel like You’ll be fucking Brain Dead by the End of the Day. The Second Thing that Mondays are Notorious for is being is Manic. You Run Around like a Lunatic at a Maddening Pace that never seems fucking fast enough to the Point of Physical Exhaustion, But there still Doesn’t Seem to Be Enough Hours in the Day to Actually Accomplish Anything. Either way it’s Nothing Anyone wants to have to Deal with First Thing After Enjoying Their Weekend that’s for Sure.

So Today being a Monday We thought it be Proper to Post this Little Slice of Insanity Think About This which is a Fictional Work Safety Video from ERI Safety Videos. The Video has a Very 1980’s Aesthetic and Warns Employees of the Consequences of Violating Work Place Safety Rules and Regulations.

If Nothing Else Think About This is as Nausea Inducing as it is Absurdly Hilarious thats for Sure. The 5 Minute 40 Second Video is a Gory Parade of Gruesome Injuries and Grotesque Bodily Mutilations with Little to No Context. As the Video Plays the Pitchy Warble of the Singer of the Accompanying Song Rambles on about How Important it is to Do Your Job Correctly Each and Every Time.

Think About This has the Feel of a Slasher Movie Boiled Down to it Key Components without a Specific Killer with all Types of Bloody Accidents and Deaths. For Example A Man HAs His Fingers Severed by an Industrial MAchine’s Gears, A Person’s Skull is Impaled with a Wrench, and a Man is Brutally Electrocuted and Much More!

                  

From Now On When Your at Work be Sure to Remember Think About This’s Motto:

“You were Alive this Morning, Lets Stay that Way”

Enjoy.

Thanks For Watching,

Presented By Les Sober     (Pt1200am)

Some Odd Animation: VAL VAL VAL

We are Pleased to Present the Animated Short Val Val Val created by one of Our Favorite Animators Ben Wheele whose Work We have Featured on FYB Several Times Before(Henry Eats, Talking House, Cigarette Ad ).

A Bit About Animator Ben Wheele:

Wheele Graduated from The Royal Collage of Art with a Masters in Animation  in 2011, and His Films have been Screened at Festivals Internationally, Including Annecy, Pictoplasma, London Intl.Animation Festival, Rotterdam Film Festival and Stuttgart ITFS. Wheele’s work has also been Exhibited at The Sunday Painter Gallery (London), Gazell.io Digital Art Space, and Broadcast on Adult Swim and Channel 4 (UK). He is also the Founder of ‘Studio Ponk’ and Currently Lectures in 3D Animation and Games at Middlesex University.

               

A BRIEF RUN DOWN:

  • Begins with a Strange looking Being with a Skull Like Face (that Personally Reminds Me of The Misfits Mascot) sitting Alone in an Empty Room.
  • A Second Being Appears Outside.
  • The Being Inside Greets the Being Outside with a “Hello, Facehead.”
  • “Facehead”  takes Acceptation to the Name and Responds with an Irritated “What Did You Call Me?”
  • The Being Indoors then Repeats the Greeting.
  • “Facehead” gets PISSED and says Threateningly “Call Me Facehead One More Time…”
  • A Stand Off Ensues.

Enjoy.

Thanks for Watching,

Presented By    Les Sober & FYB   

Tidbits for Shits and Giggles: Let Me Hear Your War Cry (Animation)

This Wonderful Little Bit of Absurd Insanity is a Doctored Clip from the the 1987 Vietnam War Movie Blockbuster Full Metal Jacket where the Actor’s Faces have been Replaced with Japanese Mannequin Faces. The Audio of Distorted Screams that Steadily Increase in Pitch is Equally Absurd and Equally Insane. Unfortunately Though there isn’t any Information Available about the Creator of this Audacious Art, and Thus We Can’t give Them the Credit They Damn Well Deserve.

Enjoy.

Thanks for Watching,

Presented By    Les Sober & FYB  

Tidbits For Shits And Giggles: Felonious Bolus

We are Amused to Present FELONIOUS BILUS by Micheal Epler, better known as PilotRedSun Who is an Animator and Musician from San Jose, California. Epler’s Primary Artistic Style Warps His Digital Smear Tool Paintings with Glitchy Audio and Crude Pseudo-3D Datamoshed Effects that Highlight the Claustrophobic and Deepen the Nightmare. FYB has Featured Other Works by PilotRedSun in the Past such as DON’T STOMP, HAMBURGER HELPER, and BURNERS.

The Smear Tool lets You Smear Existing Pigment, including Pigment that has No Volume on the Canvas, such as Pencil Strokes. The Tool Simulates the Effects of Dragging a Cloth or Finger through Chalk or Pencil Strokes on a Canvas.

Datamoshing is Basically a Technique of Damaging a Video Clip to Create a Glitch Effect wherein Frames that Should Change Don’t. Datamoshing is most Noticeable Between Cuts and Across Motion.

Enjoy.

Thanks for Watching,

Presented By    Les Sober & FYB