Alternative Comedy – Page 6

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (58/365)

“We at least it doesn’t smell half bad just kind of sweet musty Smell.” commented Lee before taking a Huge Swig of His Beer.

It just so happened that right then All Hell Broke Loose on the Bus and Spiraled Out of Control Quickly. It all Started with the Businessman Meth Head, and the Bus Bunny who was Bouncing Up and Down on His Lap like His dick was a Pogo Stick. They were banging away as They had been for the last 15 minutes or so when all of a Sudden the Businessman’s Eye’s (which had previously been Bulging out of His fucking Skull) Returned to Their Sockets, and then Promptly Rolled back into His Head so all You could see was the White of HIs Eyes. He then began Convulsing as if He was being Electrocuted by a High Power Line as His Mouth fell Open and His Body then went Ridged as a Steel Beam.

At this point the Bus Bunny realized something seriously fucked up was Happening as by now half the Bus was looking in Her Direction. Just as She started to turn Her head to Peer at the Horror Show behind Her She was Launched into the Standing Position Massive Torrent of Jizz. The Comatose Businessman’s Muscles had tightened to the Point of Cramping, and Jizz was Gushing like a inverted Waterfall from the Eye of His Cock. The Bus Bunny was only on her Feet for a Split Second before being Catapulted (with a Great Force) Up and Over the Seat Back in front of Her. The Poor Woman went tumbling through the Air Flailing like Mad as She went Upside Down Ass over Elbows, and finally She came Crashing Down into the Seat in Front of Her.

The Middle Aged Lady who was sitting in front of the Businessman and the Bus Bunny had enough common sense (combined with a Heavy Dose of Shock and Awe) to get the fuck out of the Way before it was too late. She was a Rather Tall and Thin Lady who Lee thought was a bit Over Dressed for the Bus was Standing in the Bus Isle looking utterly Revolted. Unfortunately for Her the Day was about to get any fucking Better that was for sure. As She stood scowling like an Enraged Buzzard at the Sloppy Homeless Drunk Power Vomited on the Floor Point Blank. The Sheer Puking Power sent a Large Collateral Spray as it Slammed against the Bus Floor. Some of the Extraneous Vomitus splashed onto the Dignified Lady’s Pair of New Heal Breaking Six Inch Heels. This sent the Lady who could barely handle the Various Bodily Fluids She found Herself being Bombarded with into a Homicidal Bling Rage.

The Lady whipped off Her Vomit Soaked High Heel and swung it like a Professional Baseball Player into the Side of the Drunks Head. The Six Inch Spike of a High Heel lodged Solidly Five Inches into the Drunk’s Ear Canal obliterating His Ear Drum and Piercing His Alcohol Soaked Occipital Lobe. She then Tore Her High Heel free from the Drunk Man’s Head sending a Stream of Dark Red Blood to Cascading Down onto the Priest Sitting Next to the Drunk. The Poor Priest had been attempting to counsel the Intoxicated Man about the Evils of Alcohol and the Teachings of the Bible before being Bathed in The Man’s Blood.

The Priest left to His Feet and immediately threw one Hell of a Hay Maker punching the Well Dressed Lady square in Her Right breast. This sent the Lady stumbling Backward until She collided with the Asian Gamblers sitting in the Back of the Bus which sent them into s Cursing Frenzy in some sort of Asian Dialect. The Priest Then Out Stretched His Arms into Christ on the Cross Pose, and began Ranting and Raving about The End of Days while Randomly Quoting Revelations. Lee had No Idea What about the Priest pissed Dizzy Off so Severely, But Dizzy Lunged up and out of His Seat, charged the Priest like a fucking Linebacker and Broke His Forty Ounce Beer Bottle over the Priest Holy Head. As Dizzy Physically Assaulted the Priest he Yelled “Eat Shit You Apocalyptic Asshole”. The Priest collapsed crumpling to the Floor like a Blood Covered Rag Doll. Dizzy’s Beer Bottle had Busted the Priest Wide Who was Bleeding Profusely, and Sporting what is Referred to in Hardcore Wrestling as “The Crimson Mask”.

The Screaming Gang of Asian Gamblers Upset a Young Man sitting Near by who was Huddled Over His Fiancee to Protect and Shield Her from the Increasing Violence. It didn’t take long before the Young Man got so Angry He felt the Need to Retaliate, and He did so by Releasing several Fighting Roosters He had Stashed in a Small Chicken Wire Makeshift Cage by His Feet. The Roosters came fluttering out in an Agitated Storm of Feathers, Beaks, and Talons ready to do what They Do which is Fight to the Death. The only issue was the Rooster weren’t in a Ring so instead of Attacking Each other They Attacked anyone they came in Contact with on the Bus. The Bus at this Point had Evolved from a Bar Room Bus Brawl into a Raging Riot as the Passengers kept escalating the Violence as They fought Tooth and Nail.

The Bus Driver desperately searched for any place He could pull the Bus Over and Escape the Confined Brutality that had Broken out on His Bus. The Driver frantically changed Lanes causing the Fighting Passengers sliding from one side of the Bus to the Other like an Out of Control Cattle Car. At Last the Terrified Bus Driver saw His Opportunity, and banked a Hard Right that damn well could have caused the Bus to Tip Over onto its Side into a Abandoned Strip Mall Parking Lot.

Stay Tuned for the Next Mentally Unbalanced Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (59/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Tid Bits for Shits and Giggles: TEDDY HAS AN OPERATION

Sometimes Things are Uncatagorically Funny so We here at FYB decided instead of Letting these Little Bits fall by the Unappreciated Roadside as it were, and instead Decided We’d give them Their Own Stage to Play Out Upon. This is Our Inaugural Installment of Tid Bits For Shits and Giggles featuring TEDDY NEEDS AN OPERATION by Steve O’Brien.

We stumbled over this Little Piece of Absurdity and While it doesn’t exactly fit into any of Our Predetermined Categories We simply couldn’t pass it by. Apparently American Dolls aren’t the Only Dolls that Also have Doctors (or more like Surgeon in this case. We watch as Teddy is Anesthetized with “Bear Gas” and Undergo’s a Rigorous Surgery where the Doctor checks Teddy’s Bon Bon Laye, Play Pouch, Crotch Unicorn, Kidney Crayons, Courage Sack, and Heart. Enjoy.

Thanks For Watching,

Presented By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis:Professional People Watcher (57/365)

Lee diverted His gaze towards the Front of the Bus were a Small Old Man who looked sickly thin almost skeletal. It reminded Lee of a Late Stage Alcoholic who has given up food to Ingest just Alcohol like His deceased Uncle Wilber. The Man was so thin His clothes though the Right size when the Man was Healthier now hung on His Feeble Frame like a Child trying on His Father’s Suit. The Oldman’s long mostly white and greasy hair was slicked back, and along with His scraggly beard both seemed only to exaggerate His Disheveled Appearance. The Old man Shuffled Heel-Toe past the Driver and sat down in the Seat directly behind the Driver.

As soon as the Old Man sat down He slumped forward so far Lee thought He might tumble head first onto the Bus Floor at the slightest bump or jiggle. The next thing Lee knew the Old Man started to Vomit though since He apparently hadn’t eaten in a Long While He was puking up a Vile combination of Bile, Stomach Acid, Cheap Booze, and an excessive amount of Saliva. The Man just continued to periodically vomit over and over again until His Lap was a Pool of Putrid Smelling Puke. The Vomit that had Pooled in the Old MAn’s Lap began to soak into His pants and the Over flow started to creep down the Man’s Trouser Leg like a Waterfall in Slow Motion. The Smell permitted the Bus from end to End as Passengers fumbled frantically to Open as Many of the Bus window’s as Possible. All the while the Driver acted absolutely Oblivious to the Human Vomit Fountain sitting behind Him only Inches away. Lee felt his gag reflex about to go Full Tilt on Him and He at last looked away from the Old Man and His Veracious Public Vomiting Episode.

“HEY! HEY! HEY!,” whispered Dizzy like an Excited Child, “Look over there the Bus Bunny is making Her Move. I fucking told you, I fucking so told You So!”

Lee shot a quick glance in the Direction of the Bus Bunny who had remained standing in the aisle next to the Tweeked Out Businessman idol chatting away. Now She moved so she was now standing in Front of the Businessman as if She was simply passing by Him to the reach Window Seat. Then in the blink of an Eye the Bus Bunny transformed momentarily into some sort of Sex Ninja. In an Instant the Bus Bunny had Her Panties off and in Her purse, Mini Skirt Hiked Up, and was bouncing up and down on the Businessman’s Meth induced Boner all in one Foul Swoop. Lee’s turned His attention to the second set of Bus Door at the Back of the Bus as it pulled up to a Stop.

A Small group of perhaps 7-8 Very Stern looking Asian Men boarded the Bus, and moved immediately to the Back of the Bus occupying the Last several rows. As Lee looked on The Group of rather Grim looking Asian Men pulled out Large Rolls of Money, started counting out Different Amounts, and Handing them Back and Forth. The Eldest Member of the Group reached into a Bag had slung over His right Shoulder to retrieve a Bottle of Saki and what appeared to be Several Saki Cups. The Elderly Man placed the Bottle on the Floor of the Bus while he handed out the Saki Cups one by one to each member of the Group.

“What in the name of all things Strange is that all about?” asked Lee hoping Dizzy would have some sort of Insight into the Subject, and luckily Lee wasn’t Disappointed.

“Oh yeah that,” said Dizzy casually, “They’re coming from a Beta Fish Fight down in China Town.”

“What in the hell is a Beta Fish Fight?” Lee wondered aloud disregarding His surroundings.

“Well You know how We have Dog Fighting here in America Right? Well in Asia especially Thailand and Vietnam the Locals host Beta Fish Fights where People can Gamble on the Outcome,” replied Dizzy completely at ease, “Beta Fish are Cool looking, BUT they are Aggressive as a Motherfucker thats why in the Pet Stores they are Housed Solely by Themselves. If you put a Beta Fish in Your Tank they will not stop until they have killed every other fish in the Tank including Other Beta’s. Thats why Beta Fish Fights found a Home in Overseas Gambling.”

“Alright thats insanely nitrating, but that doesn’t explain the Slightly sweet smell wafting off of the Entire Group? Mind you its not a bad Smell just one I’m not Familiar with is all.” said Lee with a good deal of conviction.

“Opium. What Your smelling is Opium.” answered Dizzy without pause.

“They smoke Opium at Beta Fish Fights to?!” asked Lee in disbelief at what Dizzy had just told Him.

“No, No They don’t smoke it Nowadays, BUT all the basements and backrooms where the Beta Fish Fights are held used to be Opium Dens back in the Day,” Dizzy said with a Scholarly Air, “You see just like with Cigar Smoke Opium smoke lingered in the Rooms and slowly but surely permitted into the Wood Furniture, Wood Accents all that kind of Shit. Apparently they smoked so much fucking Opium that the Smell is not just noticeable at the Fish Fights but it can stick to the Attendees clothing and hair as well.”

Stay Tuned for the Next Pulse Racing Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (58/365)

Thank for Reading,

By Les Sober

One of the Strangest Things I’ve Ever Been Part Of

I was on the Phone the Other Day catching up the Other Day with None Other than the Infamously Infamous SpaceDog who I hadn’t Talked with in Quite Awhile. SpaceDog and I were doing what We always do Talk Shit, Mock Shit We Dislike, Swapping Stories, Sharing Ideas, Collaborating on Projects, Laughing Our Asses Off, Scouring the World with Sarcasm, Catching Up on Current Events, and General Venting.

All of a Sudden Someone using the Name John Drummond called Me which is already odd because I don’t know any asshole by the name of John Drummond. I mentioned the Name to Spacedog who cracked on the Guy’s Name using a Different Strokes TV Show Reference and that was the End of that. Not a minute Later I get a Text from John Drummond who apparently got My Voice Mail, Hung the hell up, and then Texted Me in lieu of Leaving a simple fucking Voicemail. Now it’s important to note I don’t use My Name on My Outgoing Voicemail, but We’ll circle around back to this a little later on. I Scanned the Text and updated Spacedog on the New Text Twist. The Text was pretty straightforward it said:

“I’m looking for The Owner of the Apartment Building in Camden SC” (SC the Abbreviation for South Carolina)

Now at a second glance this Mundane Message appears to be a Bit Bizarre starting with the Fact He Never Used His Name as in “Hi I’m John Drummond….” which You would definitely expect from a Business Call. Second He never used (or asked for that matter) what the fuck My Name was this was the Vaguest Communication I have come across. I informed Spacedog that this was just to fucking weird to Let Go, and that I was going to Set up a Conference Call with Spacedog and then Call this Mr. John Drummond.

Unfortunately I fucked the Conference Call deal up, but I didn’t want to hang up on the John Drummond Number just Yet. As the phone is ringing John septs Me a Second Text stating: “Sorry I can’t Talk Right Now.” which was Weird because He had just tried to reach Me twice via the Phone and then Immediately with the follow up Text moments after hanging up on My Voicemail. I decided to stay on the Phone a minute longer to see if John had an actual Voicemail of some sort or was it a Dummy Number that would Ring from here to Eternity with No Answer. I was surprised when I heard an Actual Message from Someone claiming He is John Drummond and I stopped listening and hung the fuck up.

So after conferring with Spacedog for a few Minutes We started to Brain Storm what could/would be the Creepiest and Unnerving Response to Text back (since I wasn’t done with this John Guy not as of Yet anyway). We came up with a Myriad of Ideas involving the Dark Web, Fraudulent Government Type Messages from places like Area 51, Fake Sales Calls for Pudd Puller Ince, and More. I was worried We were wasting too much time fucking around so I wrote back the most Basic Text as Humanly Possible “Can You Text?”. Again I never gave My Name nor did I usedHis I just texted back just those Three Words. Spacedog and I continued Our previous conversation before being interrupted by this John Character.

According to the Time Linked with the Individual Text John returned/responded to My Text exactly One Minute Later with a Text that read “On the phone will call back in a Minute.” Spacedog and I were still trying to figure out what the fuck this was all about. You see My Phone has an Out of State Number I haven’t changed on Purpose. Like I’ve said before I’m a Very Private fucking Person so Anonymity is a Key Component of My Personal Privacy Plan. I had checked the Area Code from which John was attempting to reach Me and it was indeed a South Carolina Number, BUT it wasn’t a Camden SC Area Code.

This Meant apparently John was in South Carolina which is where He said He was looking for some Apartment Building Owner, BUT He was in calling from a Area Code just over 3 Hours away from Camden. That placed John in a Completely Different County in a Completely Different part of the State. This Too Seemed more than a little fucking Fishy to Me (as Well as Spacedog) though I couldn’t put My finger on it wasn’t sitting right with Me. And lets face it I was bringing to get a real fucking Kick out of this John-Apartment Owner Bullshit.

About 10-15 Minutes Pasted as Spacedog and I chatted Idly before low and behold John is back on the Line. I again try to Merge the two Phone Calls but being Hyper Focused on the Situation at Hand along with being Impatient (especially with Technology) I failed again to connect all Three of Us as it were. All I was concentrating on was being able to Talk to this Mysterious Fuckwit No Matter What happened along the fucking way. I answered the Phone without Formerly Introducing Myself as I didn’t say anything like “This is Les Sober..” or “Hello I’m Les Sober…” I just launched right into His inquiry .

Les: Hello.

John: I’m looking for the Owner of the Apartments in Camden Sc

(First John never said Hello and Second What was the Name of these Apartments? They should at least Go by their Address, but John wasn’t obviously one for Names nor Addresses).

Les: Thats Not Me.

John Repeating Himself: Oh I’m looking for the Owner of the Apartments in Camden Sc.

Les: Thats Not Me. I not who you’re looking for.

(Since he asked the same Question Twice in a fucking Row as if He was looking for some kind of Verification that I was not in fact the Owner of said Apartments. I saw an opening to continue this Adventure in the Absurd and took it.)

Les: Why are You asking

John: I’m a Multi Family Reality Management Investor. I’m looking into Future Investment Property Prospects and Possibilities in the Camden Area.

(I’m pretty damn certain He made up the fucking Job title as its insanely Pretentious, Long Winded, and when You stop to think about it a second You realize how fucking nonsensical the Title is. Not to mention John was trying WAY TOO FUCKING HARD to sound like an Educated and Authentic Businessman. Can You say Overkill?!)

Les: Well that doesn’t mean a Damn thing to Me.

John: Thanks for at least calling Back.

Les: *Hangs Up without saying Anything*

Now for the Life of Me even with Spacedog’s vital assistance We still haven’t been able to figure out the Facts be They Legit or Fraudulent. I fully believe that this was some sort of Shady fucking Scam call, and wasn’t real in Any way Whatsoever. Spcaedog is sticking with His Hypothesis that John is a Real Deal Realtor of some kind Who is interested in Buying these Apartments, and that the current Owner had Died. Now if this was the case then John was cold calling People with the name Last Name, BUT My phone is Registered in another State, and I sure as Hell don’t live anywhere Near this Camden South Carolina that’s for fucking Sure. So again Why would John have contacted Me? Again I’m certain it was a Scam and that the Scammer was New or just plain sucked at His fucking Shitty “Job”. I believe the Apartment and Fake Job Title were meant to Peak My Interest into asking questions about such Reality Investments because everyone is looking for a an Easy Money Scheme.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Theres’s a Reason Monday’s have a Shitty Rep.

They say “Mondays are Mondays for a Reason”, and I’m pretty sure the Reason is that the People who Say that are Assholes. That aside what a hell of a Monday this one was and I’m not Joking. It all started When Our Cat ate Our Dog and I had to rush it to the Vet post haste. I hoped the Vet could give the Cat an injection of some Super Laxative allowing the Cat to shit out the Dog thus saving Both Their Lives. As I’m wheeling the Cat to the Car My since the Cat is Your average 8 pound House Cat, and the Dog was a Full Blooded Rottweiler thus creating a serious Spacial Issue for said Cat. The next thing I know My Sister blindsides Me out No Where with My Nephew in tow who looks like He’s had too much Sugar and not enough Sleep.

I agreed to what My Nephew but since My car was in the Shop I had to Borrow My Wife’s Miata which only seats 2. I tossed the Cat into the Passengers seat, grabbed My Nephew and Some Old School Bungie Cords (the kind they made so you could strap Excess Luggage to the Roof of Your Vehicle) without breaking stride. I then proceeded to Tie My Nephew to the Hood of the Car like Hunters do with Deer they’ve Killed with a quickness. My Nephew began to pitch a fucking fit so I simply told Him “You always wanted to go to Disney World so THUNDER MOUNTAIN UP BITCH!”, and with that We were off and running.

I called the Vet from the Car and asked if a Vet Tech could meet Me outside to assist Me and the Vet Office assured Me it be No Problem. So once I got to the Vet Clinic I slowed Down, leaned over and opened the Passenger Side Door, Yelled “TUCK AND ROLL MR. FRITZ!”, and shoved the Cat out of the Car. Luckily cats always land on their Feet so Mr. Fritz was fine. The next stop was My mechanic’s Shop to check on the Progress of My Car Repair. My Mechanic said He was waiting on a part so it might be another day or two, and so I asked Him if in the meantime if he could do Me a favor and Rotate My Back Molars for Me. He promptly declined right there on the spot claiming He couldn’t because He wasn’t a Dentist to which I said I didn’t care as I’m not a Dentist Either so?! Before My Mechanic could counter My Point He spontaneously Combusted which I am convinced was not Spontaneous in the Least. I believe He “Spontaneously” Combusted because He damn well knew He was going to loose the Argument.

As I was leaving My Mechanic My Nephew still mad about being strapped to the Hood like a Dead Deer had Himself a good Old Tantrum, and turned Himself inside out. Obviously I can’t take Him anywhere in that condition, but the little Brat that He is down right Refused to turn Himself Outside In. I don’t negotiate with Terrorists or Children so I put Him in a Duffle Bag because lets face it if your inside out there is a High Risk of Potential Staining, and Blood/Bodily Fluids are a real motherfucker to get out.

While on My way to My car I ended up walking behind to very Stern Looking Men in Expensive Three Piece Suits, and I happened to overhear some of Their Conversation. The Two Men were lamenting How Louie’s Mother made the Best Sauce (Marinara) either of the had ever Tasted, but since Louie fucked up They had to kill Him and His Mother. The fact that They were sent to Kill Louie didn’t seem to bother them in the Least. It was the Inevitable Murder of the Mother who made such a Legendary Sauce that was what They felt was the True Tragedy at Hand.

Along the Way I also saw a Drunk Homeless Man Cannibalizing Himself like a Deranged Snake. Thats to say He was attempting to swallow Himself Whole and had managed to ingest Both Legs up to the Knee. I was absolutely fascinated by the Homeless Man bizarrely abnormal Behavior so I stopped to watch for a while. Half an Hour later He had swallowed Himself Half way and was struggling to get past His Waist, BUT if there is a will there is a way as they say. Eventually the Homeless Man made it all the way up to His Neck and then He asked Me to Pull his Lower lip over His head. Seeing no reason not to I assisted the Man with His Request. Once His lower Lip was fully engulfing His head the Homeless Man took a deep breath and swallowed Himself out of Existence. It was was like watching a Manual Implosion it was fucking Crazy.

My Phone rang and it was the Vet’s Office informing Me they had Successfully induced Vomiting, and Mr Fritz had puked the Dog up and Out Safely. Both the Mr. Fritz and the Dog were exhausted by the whole ordeal and were currently asleep. I said that’s great to hear and that when They’re all good to go to call them a Uber for Me because I was too busy to double back to that side of town Now. Especially when My Nephew was still inside out and all. I pulled up to a light and while waiting for it to change I little Old lady who looked to be in her 90’s started to cross the street.

The Person in front of Me at the light accidentally elbowed Their Horn while reaching around behind them in the backseat. The Little Old Lady who thought the Driver was being Rude or an Asshole stopped Dead in Her tracks and stared motionless at the Driver for a few Uneasy Moments. She then Loudly announced to the World “I don’t have to take THAT shit, when I can Take THIS shit!” and then jumped up on to the Hood of the Offending Driver’s Car. Once She was perched on the Hood She took a Clydesdale Sized Rage Shit. The Driver started to angrily get out of their Car when the Little Old Lady when the Little Old Lady blurted out “Your an Asshole and I’m the Shit!” It looked liken actual Shit Guesser erupted from Her withered Old Ass as She shit Herself into Space.

After seeing something as Appallingly both Revolting and Awe Inspiring event as a Little Old Lady Shitting Herself (well Sharting would be more like it) into the Deepest and Darkest Depths of Space I went directly Home. Once I arrived Home I slapped a shipping Label on the Duffle Bag containing My Inside Out Nephew that said “Please Return to Owner.” See the thing is I had taken the Duffle Bag out of the Lost and Found at the Airport when I was in a pinch. I figured since there was a Tag on it I would just return it directly to the Owner once I need for it was done. I then called an Uber to take the Duffle Bag to the Airport on My Behalf, and spent the remainder of the Day wondering where the Little Pain in My Ass would End Up.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

FYB’s Shitty Celebration

What happens when You get a New Septic Tank and while it’s being Installed You Fall Down a Serious Reddit Rabbit Hole?! You find a Reddit Room called “Any Reason To Party” where You start reading about something called a “Septic Tank Celebration of Shit Party”. You throw this type of Party in the Event You have just had a New Septic Tank, OR if Your about to get a New one since the Old one is Literally Crapping Out.

Ironically having a New Septic Tank Installed is a Real Pain in the Ass, but it is also an Unfortunate Evil of Life. So as Odd as it Sounded We decided after a Short Period of Discussion/Debate to throw the Shit to the Wind and Go For it. Now You may be wondering as We were at First what Exactly the hell a STCS Party Consists of. Well Good News We are here to Personally Let You Know First Hand What Its all About.

Septic Tank Celebration of Shit Parties are pretty fucking Straight Forward. First and Foremost there is No Decorations Required although People love to Toilet Paper Shit, and the Famous Smiling Feces Emoji (which has led to a Bizarre Branding Overkill, They have a Shit Emoji for Everything from Stickers to Halloween fucking Costumes for Fuck’s Sake. Also People are found of Attending these Type of Parties sporting a Variety of Shit themed T-Shirt like Shit Happens, Who Gives a Shit, No Bullshit etc. (Some more unoriginal People stick to the Traditional Theme of Wearing Brown T-Shirts).

The Focus actually being Feces the Party is a Literally a Homemade Make Shit Crap Inducing Cuisine. The point is to Serve Food that will intentionally induce Your Guests to Shit Their Brains Out thus Helping to Break in the New Septic System or Assisting in Bidding Farewell to an Old Outdated System thats about to take a Shit of its Own so to speak. We Opted for a fucking Buffet since We believe in the Go Big or Go Home Motto, and We set out a Shit Inducing Spread that could have Led to a Guest Shitting Themselves Unconscious.

Luckily We have 3 Bathrooms so even if a Guest Craps so Hard they Pass the fuck Out We still have the other Two Bathrooms accessible. This way We could keep the Party Pooping going due to the Constant Non Stop Shitting of Our Guests as They run the Risk of Prolapsing Their Rectum. We DO NOT SUGGEST throwing on of these Parties if You have Only One singular Toilet as this will lead to Fecal Overflow and Your Guests end up Shitting in Your Bushes, Flowerbeds, Garbage Cans, Pool Filters, and Other disgustingly Inappropriate Crapping (No One likes it when the Shit actually Hits the Fan).

We researched so Many Health Sites, Medical Sites, and Diet Sites We lost count, but We wanted to insure We had concocted the Most Effective Menu of Shit Inducing Foods ever Assembled by Man (We are currently waiting to hear back from The Guinness Book of World Records) to get the Shitty Job Done. We are confident this should Never Be Attempted Again by Anyone Anywhere at Anytime, and with that said this is what We came up With.

We thought that Finding a Variety of Effective Drinks would be the Most Difficult part of the Task. The Last fucking thing We wanted was to be Stuck serving Only Coffee as Our Only Beverage. Luckily We found out rather quickly that We were in Fact Wrong. Our Drink Options were:

Coffee
Coconut Water
Kale Smoothies
Peppermint Tea, Orange Juice
Full Fat Milk
Aloe Vera Juice
Kefir (a Fermented Milk Drink)
Chamomile Tea
64 ounce Bottles of Water (More Water More Crapping)
Metamucil mixed with Your Choice of Liquor

Then We Provided Some Casual Appetizers:

Veggie Plate (Raw Green Beans, Broccoli, and Tomatoes)
Plain Popcorn (No Seasoning or Butter)
Pistachios
Almonds
Whole Grain and Oat Bran Breads (Example: Rye)
Special Farro Bread (made w/ Ancient Strain of Wheat Popular in Italy)
Olive Oil to Dip The Different Breads into
Almond, Cashew, and Peanut Butter (for spreading on the Breads)
a Fruit Salad (Rasberries, Grapes, Papaya, Blackberries, Pears, Kiwi, Guava Fruit, Banana, Apples Slices, and Mandarin Fruit)

Then for the Main Course We had a Buffet that Featured:

Traditional Salad (Turnip Greens, Spinach, Swiss Chard, Kale, and Arugula)
Curry (Types Available: Dhansak, Tikka Masala, Saag, Korma, Jalfrezi, Vindaloo
Hot Sauce Soup (Pinto Bean or Clear Soup with Hot Sauce Added)
Lentils
Baked Beans
Potato Salad
Sweet Potato Fries
Clear Soup (Chicken and Dill or Plain Chicken Broth)
Brown Rice and Black Beans
Brussel Sprouts
Green Peas
Artichokes
Chick Pea Salad
Sauerkraut
Pinto Bean Soup
Refried Bean Burritos/Fajitas

Then for Dessert We Served:

Watermelon (Slices or Chunks)
Berry Chia Pudding
Pumpkin Pie,
Rice Pudding
Chocolate Laxative Full Fat Milkshakes
Plum Pudding
Activia Yogurt with Your Choice of Peaches, Strawberries, Raisins, Dates, or Prunes
Figgy Pudding

The Party was an Unmitigated Success and by the End of the Night Everyone had a Very, Very Shitty Time.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watch Watcher (56/365)

Lee watched the Businessman trapped somewhere between being Entranced and Horrified. The Businessman’s Eyes started to Bulge out of His Head as His face became Flushed, and He began to sweat Profusely frantically wiping His Forehead every 3 seconds. Lee couldn’t help but to compare what He was seeing to Witnessing a 12 Foot Giant Choking the shit out of Someone with all its Might. Lee was rendered useless by Indecision almost instinctively nudged Dizzy’s Knee with His 40 oz to get His Attention.

Dizzy lazily turned to look at Lee to find Lee staring at Him Wide Eyed like had just seen Hitler fucking an Electric Eel or some Crazy Shit like that. Lee motioned with His eyes in the Direction of the Businessman, and Dizzy having a Phd in Street Smarts from The FUCK YOU University of Life picked up on the question instantly. He took a second before casting a sly glance in the Direction of where the Businessman before quickly turning back to face Lee.

“What? What the fuck has You so Shook for fucks sake I know the Bus is a Bitch, but You’re being a fucking Drama Queen about it aren’t You,” said Dizzy with thorough Lack of Interest or Enthusiasm., “Just spit it Out what is Going On with You already.”

“I just saw the craziest most fucked up thing I think I have ever seen.” replied Lee still in a minor state of Shock and Awe.

“So what was it I’m not fucking Sherlock Holmes here so You’re going to have to Spell it Out for Me.” said Dizzy in the Tone of a Parent who is growing frustrated with a Child who can’t seem to Communicate properly what was going on.

“The fucking Businessman over there that motherfucker just Shot Up something in a Syringe directly into His fucking Neck, and Now He looks like His Head is Literally going to fucking Explode like the Guy in the Movie Scanners,”Lee explained while getting Himself even more worked up, “Seriously who does shit like That and in Public none the less?!”

“He’s Tweeting Hard as Fuck,” Dizzy Answered, “He’s a fucking whacked Out on Crystal Meth. My Guess is since He was Cooking up the Shot secretly without looking He probably just put to Much in by Accident, and Now He’s becoming well aware of His Mistake.”

“So what the fuck do You do in this situation I mean do We Alert the Bus Driver or Call the Cops?” Lee asked as His Mind Became to Race a Mile a Minute.

“NEVER CALL THE COPS EVER,” Dizzy Yelled Loud enough for the Entire Bus to Hear, “And what the fuck do You think the Bus Driver is going to do with this Information? I’ll tell You She will pull the fucking Bus over, call 911, and The Police with Show up with the fucking Medics. The Best thing to do is fucking Ignore it because it’s simply NOT YOUR PROBLEM!”

“Jesus thats fucking Brutal,” Lee said in utter disbelief, “The fucking Guy very well may Die right where He’s sitting on this crappy Bus. What a shitty way to go I mean imagine the obituary So and So Overdosed and Died on the Number something Bus today.”

“Fuck that Guy We don’t know Him, and We sure as Hell had Nothing to do with Him injecting Drugs into His Neck,” replied Dizzy Dryly, “If He dies He Dies.”

It was then that Lee noticed a Trashily Dress Woman with far too much make up on who had been sitting in the front of the Bus get up out of Her seat, walk over to the Businessman and handed Him a Bottle of Water. The Businessman snatched the Bottle of Water from The Trashy Woman’s Hands and downed it in One massive prolonged Sip. The Bottle drained and Empty He promptly handed it back to the Trashy Woman who then tossed it nonchalantly on the Floor without a care in the World.

“Look, Look right fucking there,” Lee blurted Out emphatically, “That Woman a fucking Stranger just helped out the Tweeked Out Businessman. See at least someone fucking Cares about Their fellow Man.”

“Don’t be Fooled that had nothing to do with a Helping Hand I assure you of That,” responded Dizzy condescendingly, “It wasn’t personal it was all business Brother All fucking Business.”

“What fucking Business the Free Bottled Water Business seriously what the fuck,” said Lee growing rather exasperated with Dizzy’s carefree attitude, “I think You’re the fucking One being Dramatic.”

“Bullshit It was Business and You want to Know How I know this its because SHE isn’t a good samaritan She’s a Bus Bunny.” responded Dizzy with an Air of Arrogance.

“Bus Bunny what the fuck is that exactly because it sounds like You mad it Up to be Honest,” said Lee confusedly, “Now its Your fucking turn to tell Me what the fuck is going on Exactly.”

“She’s a Bus Bunny. You know How there Hookers that tool the Truck Stops called Lot Lizards Right,” explained Dizzy confidently, “Well this is the equivalent of a Lot Lizard but Bus Bunny’s a Hookers who ride the Buses all damn Day it’s called Dicks for Dollars.”

“I find that extremely fucking hard to believe, But I have No definitive Proof that You bullshitting Me,” replied Lee sounding Defeated, “Stranger things have happen I suppose.”

“You Don’t need to take My word for it,” snapped Dizzy defensively, “Just keep You eye on Those Two and watch what Happens.”

Stay Tuned for the Next Extroverted Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (57/365) Coming Soon!

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (55/365)

The Bus Pulled up and came to an Abrupt Stop the Breaks Screeching like a Robotic Banshee, and the Smell of Exhaust was Overwhelming. Slowly and Uniformly Lee, Dizzy, and the Few Others at the Bus Stop got to They’re feet and shuffled Their Feet as They made They’re was towards Front Door of the Bus. As They approached everyone awkwardly funneled Themselves into a Single File line in order to Board the Bus. Dizzy went ahead of Lee and pumped a hefty handful of Change into Bus’s Ticket Toll Machine before making His way into the Belly of The Beast. Lee followed closely as He still had no Earthly Idea what the fuck to Expect.

Dizzy was Shuffling Heal-Toe down the Center Isle of the Bus like an Decrepit Old Man. Dizzy was doing so to Help insure His Stability as the Alcohol was beinging to Overwhelm His Motor Functions a Alcohol apt to do. Finally to Lee’s relief Dizzy Stumbled and Lurched Forward half falling into a Seat Somewhere around the Middle of the Bus. Dizzy dropped into the Seat only to Pop back up immediately like a Cracked Out Jack-In-The-Box bullshit staring at Lee His eyes Glassy and Bloodshot.

“Hold Up a Second I should take the Isle seat just to be Safe,” said Dizzy Pausing Briefly to collect his Muddled Thoughts, “You never can tell with this kind of shit so best We be prepared for anything and fucking Everything.”

“Safety First.” replied Lee having not a clue what the fuck Dizzy was going on About and Wrote it off to Dizzy’s State of Drunkenness. All Lee wanted at this point was for this fucking Bus ride to be Over as fast as fucking possible, and to be relaxing in the Corner of the Crystal Diner with a Beer and a Burger. Lee didn’t think that was to much to ask considering how this Day had Started. Lee squeezed past Dizzy who did nothing to get out of Lee’s way and Plopped Down in the Window Seat.

The Bus motor Groaned and Growled as the Bus pulled away from the Curb and started down the Street. Lee sat for a while Sipping His Beer and Staring out the Bus Window at the Epidemic of Urban Sprawl that was constantly spreading outward devouring everything in its Path. Soon Lee though the Entire Land will be Swallowed by The Sprawl until all would be were Strip Malls, Massive Apartment (or Worse Condo) Complexes, Big Box Stores, Expansive Parking Lots, 6 Lane Roads, Trendy Grocery Stores, and Generic Family Restaurants and the Like. The Quiet Small Towns would be Destroyed by Asphalt Avalanches, Cascades of Concrete, and Saturated with Cement. Buildings Begetting Building Begetting Buildings in an Endless Capitalist Assembly Line from Horizon to Horizon as Far as the Eye can see in All Directions. It was fucking Revolting to Lee who felt seriously sickened by The Non Stop Demands of Humanity that were Laying waste to a Far Simpler and More Pleasant Time. It was Simply Society Recycling Itself.

Lee found looking out the Window was starting to fuck up the Solid Beer Buzz He had going on. Lee screwed the Cap back onto His 40 oz. and desperately began to peer around the Bus gaiting a Lay of the Land as it were. The Bus wasn’t packed but there was a Fare Number of People riding the Bus none the Less. Lee first spotted a Young Generic Looking Business Man sitting a few rows in front of Him on the opposite side of the Bus. The Young Businessman Sat Rigidly the Perfect Picture of Posture which gave of an Anxious Vibe.

The Businessman Looked to be in His Late Twenties to Early Thirties and was wearing a nondescript Slate Gray Suit, White Dress Shirt, Plain Dark Red Tie, and a Decent Pair of Dress Shoes. Everything about the Businessman was Immaculate, His suit was an exact fit without a Wrinkle or stray piece of Lint or Animal Hair on it. His Shoes were in Excellent condition and were so Polished They could have passed for New, But Lee had seen the Soles of the Man’s Shoes which were Worn from a good bit of Walking. The Man Sat with a Brown Leather Looking Brief Case laying across His lap with His Hands Folded politely on Top of it. The Man had Short Black Hair that He had Slicked straight Back using a fare amount Product which mad Him look like a Wall Street Stock Broker from the 1980’s. Lee couldn’t Help but Notice that though the Businessman Sat a still as a fucking statue His eyes were Frantically Dart around the Bus as if We was keeping Tabs on Every Other Passenger, and He was beginning to Sweat Slightly while He sat Utterly Still in Silance.

Lee turned to face Dizzy who was staring to the point of Glaring at Something or Someone while taking long drawls off of His 40 like a Psychopath which was fitting considering they were on the Bus. Lee followed suit, uncapped His Beer, took several Prolonged Sips, and as He went to put the cap back on His Beer He Dropped it by Accident. Lee sat Forward as He went to Retrieve His lost Cap from where it Fell Dizzy grabbed His arm forcefully.

“DO NOT PICK THAT UP. The Cap touched the Bus Floor and there’s NO fucking 5 second anything on a Bus so That Cap is Contaminated as a $2 Crackwhore on Payday,” Snarled Dizzy not taking His Eyes off of whatever He was looking at, “Besides there’s no Antibiotics or anything else that could combat the Toxic Crap found on Bus floors, I mean Really their Pissed on, Puked On, Bled On, Spit On, Jizzed, and Shellacked in Shit for starters. Not to mention all the fucking Filth and Goddamn Grime that People track the fuck on the Bus via Their shitty Shoes. You want to Die, pick up that cap and Use it if Not leave the fucking thing were it lies.”

“Alright I’ll leave it obviously.” replied Lee annoyed at Dizzy’s perceived Over reaction to the Situation. Lee Sat back in His Seat and Signed before deciding to see what if anything the Young Businessman was up too. Lee Looked up just in time to See the Young Businessman slyly slip His right hand under his Briefcase, pull out a Syringe filled with a Very Dark Drown Fluid, Tilt His head to One Side, Vigorously rub His Neck, and Inject the Contents of the Syringe Via His Jugular Vein. Shocked as Shit Lee smacked Dizzy to get His Attention since Lee couldn’t fathom what the fuck He had just witnessed.

STAY TUNED for the Next Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (56/365) COMING SOON!

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober (12:26am)

Another Day at The Cock’n Balls Bar and Pawn: Afternoon

Once the Hubbub from the Morning’s Pickled Toe Incident Owner Bud Wiser went back to lazily wiping down the Bar as His wicked Smokers Cough was getting the Better of Him. Bud Coughed, Wheezed, and Repeatedly Cleared His Throat while muttering about whatever was Annoying Him at the Time. Bud took a moment to Scan the Bar since there wasn’t anyone in the Pawnshop since it was Friday aka PayDay so the Need for People to Pawn their Possessions was greatly Diminished. As Bud Surveyed the Bar the Dust that Hung in the Air Mingling with the Smoke of Countless Cigarettes reminded Him of Sea Monkeys though He had No Idea Why.

Shitty Nickels was sitting in the Corner Strumming a Old Guitar that was Beat to Hell that He had found in the Trash Last Week. Shitty had been joined by His Dear Friends and fellow Musician Sexx Fuckin who was considered by Those in the Know as the Best Slide Guitarist Both Sides of the Mississippi. The Gruesome Twosome were Swapping Stories and Reminiscing about Days Long Gone By over some Seriously Strong Singapore Slings.

Mikey Drongo the Leader of a Near By Chop Shop was still sitting at the Bar sipping Beer and Downing Shots like there was No Tomorrow. Bud figured that Drinking like there was No Tomorrow made Perfect Sense considering Mickey’s Line Of Work. Considering He was in Fact a Criminal (regardless of How Nice a Guy He actually was). And Being a Criminal Meant Mickey could easily be Killed by Rivals or Locked Up in a Tiny Cell for the Rest of His Life. Both were Valid Reasons to Drink in Bud’s Mind.

Harry Twatter the Neighborhood’s Degenerate Gambler had taken off as soon as the Pickled Toe bet was Settled opting to Spend His Day down at the Dog Track. Harry would spend His Day Tossing Cups of Beer, Tearing Up Losing Tickets, and Having His Wallet Emptied as He Dreamed of Getting Rich Quick Schemes into between Races. After a Good 8-9 Hours at the Track Harry would show Up at The Cock’n Balls convinced He had come up with a Winning System based on His Mistakes from that Day.

Harry would inevitably end up Pawning God Knew What to Secure His Gambling Money for the Next Day’s Venture be it at The Track, Backroom Poker Games, or Illegal Casinos. Harry had always been a Truly Tragic Hero who Dreamed of Scoring a Small Fortune (through any means Possible outside of a Legitimate Job) and was Going Broke all the While.

Bawbag Cockwomble had Shuffled Off soon after winning the Pickled Toe Bet and claiming His prize of One Pickled Egg. Bawbag spent His Days Panhandling as He wondered The Streets until Sundown collecting that Night’s Drinking Money. Bawbag called it a Day at Sundown since walking up to a Car looking Filthy and Disheveled in the Dark with Your hand Outstretched was Likely to get You Killed. Bawbag made a pretty fucking Penny Panhandling have No Doubt about since Bawbag knew how to Play the “Spare Change” Game.

Bawbag had found a particularly Busy Intersection that was CONSTANTLY Jammed up with Commuters All Day Long as Opposed to just Rush Hour. Bawbag had learned the subtle art of Looking Pathetically Submissive enough to Get a Donation without looking Desperate. Bawbag knew Desperate People can be Extremely Unpredictable, and that makes Them Intimidating to the General Public which greatly Diminishes Daily Profits.

Pissy Wristy and Her Petty Drug Dealing Boyfriend Jimmy Tosser with the Lofty Ambition of Becoming a Full Blown Pimp had adjured to the Bathroom for a Quickie. Bud Waited a Receptive amount of Time before He went into the Bathroom and Evicted the Copulating Couple back to the Bar. Once The Disheveled Twosome had exited the Bathroom Pissy passed the fuck out from the Previous Nights Drinking, Drugging, and Fucking and Jimmy sat staring at His phone like an Intoxicated Caveman.

Dickey Dullard the Romantic and Animate Junkie had just recently Shot Up a Heavy Dose of Dope, and was attempting to Play Pool. Unfortunately Dickey was so High He just stood at the End of the Pool Table struggling to keep His fucking Eyes Open swaying unsteadily on His Feet. For all intents and Purposes looked Dickey looked so Comatose that Bud half expected Dickey to Suddenly Sink Unconscious to the Floor Collapsing into a Pitiful Heap.

Just Then “Bloody” Sod Bollocks burst through the Front Door with a Great Deal of Force sending the Door slamming against the Ball. Sod had entered this way since the First Time He entered the Bar 8 years ago, and as a Result from the Door Knob colliding violently with the Wall the Knob had Left a Deep Circular Indent at the Point of Impact. Sob strode over to the Bar and Hopped gingerly onto a Bar Stool and snatched up one of the Bowls of Peanuts from its Resting Place. Sod snatched up the Peanuts for the Sole Purpose of Throwing them at Dickey in an attempt to illicit a Response. For His part Dickey remained completely Oblivious to the Legume Assault being Launched at Him.

Sod quickly grew tired of Pelting Dickey with Peanuts and turned around to face the Bar. The Funny thing about Sod was He considered Himself an Intellectual, Yet Sod was also Self Admittedly Uneducated. Sod had dropped out of School after the 8th grade to go Work in a Haggis Manufacturing Plant. He had figured School was shit and Work was shit as Well, BUT at least Work Paid, and that was good enough for Sod. So with that He said So Long to School and Hello to the Blue Collar Factory Workforce. By the Age of 16 Sod had Left the Work Force since He didn’t Appreciate His Boss telling Him What to Do all damn Day.

With Little to No Prospects Sod gravitated to the Illegal World of Bare Knuckle Boxing where He earned the Moniker “Bloody” since thats the Condition His defeated Opponents Left the Ring in. Sod had made His way up through the Ranks and even had been the Reigning Bare Knuckle Boxing Champion for a Short While. Sadly for Sod He was forced to Vacate the Title when He immigrated to the United States to avoid a rather serious Legal Problem. Sod’s Legal Problem was while He was attending a Soccer Match to Cheer on His Team the Manchester United on to Victory. At some point during the Game Sod got Himself into an Altercation with a Drunken Soccer Hooligan. The Incident Ended with Sod Punching the Drunk Hooligan Dead in the Face so fucking Hard it Ironically Killed the Drunk Bastard Who Died where He Fell.

Sod stained at the Graffiti that Patrons had Carved into the Antique Oak Bar over its Many Years in Service. Again it didn’t take but mere moments before Sod became Board and Fidgety as He wasn’t a Very Proficient Reader, and was begging to Wonder why He been in a Bar for 10 minutes and Didn’t have a Beer in His hand as of Yet. Annoyed Sod peered through the Gloom of the Low Lighting until He saw Bud over in the Pawnshop messing around with a stubborn Display Case.

This made Sod Irate as fuck since He never saw the Point in converting Half of a perfect Decent Neighborhood Old Man Bar into a Pawnshop of all fucking things. Gambling Machines Now thats where the fucking Money was at so if Bud wanted to increase His Profits He should invest in a few Video Gambling Machines thats how it should have been Done in Sod’s opinionated Opinion. Everyone fucking Knows No One spends Money quite like a Drunken Gambler mused Sod to himself Las fucking Vegas was Built on that Principle Alone.

Sod waved His hand back and forth perturbed by Bud’s lack of Acknowledgement so He decided He’d call Out to Bud to get His attention. Also being the Dick that He was would use Buddy in place of Bud. Sod knew this Presumably Minor Indiscretion would Piss Bud off in a Big fucking Way because Bud had an extreme aversion to being called Buddy. No one knew why this was such a sensitive issue for Bud and judging by His reaction when it did happen No One was about to Ask.

“HEY BUDDY what the fuck Do I have to do to get a Fucking Beer around Here I’m about Dead of Dehydration for fucks sake!” bellowed Sod boorishly as He was apt to do.

Bud had been bent over a Display case tinkering with the Cantankerous lock due to it Being a Bit Rusted when He Heard Sod from across the Room. Bud snapped to Attention standing rigidly as if He was using every fiber of His being to Restrain Himself from running over and punching Sod in the fucking Throat. Bud’s eyes narrowed to the point One couldn’t tell if they were even Open as the Corners of His mouth sagged in Disapproval and Distain. Bud walked out from behind the display case in a Creepily Slow manner Reenforcing the feeling that He was straining with all His might to keep from going Completely Apeshit all over the place. As Bud walked with Purpose towards Sod He had His Shoulders back, and His Fists Clenched so Tight His Knuckles where turning White.

Stay Tuned for Another Installment of………

Another Day at The Cock’n Balls:Evening

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (54 /365)

The intoxicated twosome reached the Deli Door and Dizzy opted to be the One who went in to get the Change They needed for the upcoming Bus Venture. A Couple of Minutes Later Dizzy emerged from the Deli with a Pocket full of Silver and two 40 Ounces of Natty Ice.

“What the fuck are the 40s for?!” asked Lee some what baffled by the Alcohol He had already ingested thus far.

“There for US to Drink on the Bus because fucking trust Me You DO NOT want to be fucking Sober when Your on the Bus,” responded Dizzy matter of factly much like a Museum Tour Guide, “The shit Your about to See, Smell and Touch is much more bearable if You have Beer to back You Up.”

The Two continued words the Bus Stop in Silence as Lee wondered if the Public Transportation System seriously suck as Bad as Dizzy claimed it was?! Slowly Lee’s mind began to Spiral Out of Control with Increasingly Horrible Mental Images of the Possible Horrors that awaited Him on the Dastardly Bus. Paranoia began to set in Dominating Lee’s Emotions as Lee strained to keep Himself from having a fucking Full Blown Panic Attack. The Growing feeling of Dread started welling up inside of Lee as He suddenly found Himself beginning to Question Everything He had done that Day. The Rapid Secession of Thoughts which only lead Lee to feel even more Completely Overwhelmed.

Why did He walk into that fucking Theater only to Witness the World’s most Perturbing Performance Art Ever created? Why did He talk to Dizzy in the First Place None the Less decide to Hang Out with Him?! Lee felt trapped as if He had been backed into a corner with No Way to Escape. Life was fucking with Lee he thought to Himself and fucking with Him Hard. This Train of Toxic Thought was Aiding in Lee’s attempt to subdue His Acute Anxiety. Lee desperate but Determined blocked everything out and focused solely on His Breathing. As The Two approached the Bus Stop Lee was still fighting to Maintain to a Good Degree.

They sat down side by side on the Small incredibly uncomfortable Plastic Bench that had these pathetic Alleged Arm Rests that were there to Provide a sort of ‘Personal Space” Barrier between Strangers waiting for the Bus. In Reality The “Arm Rest/ Dividers” were a recent addition by the Department of Transportation simply so Homeless People Couldn’t/Wouldn’t Sleep on them as The General Public found such behavior Distasteful. Thats Humanity for You it occurred to Lee instead of Helping the Homeless Society decides to go with the Basic “Out f Sight, Out of Mind” Principle, and thus Persecute the Homeless in Lou of Help. God People are Shitty.

“Your gonna want to get about a Third of that Beer in You before We board the Bus,” said Dizzy staring vacantly into Space, “That way You can Fortify Your Buzz in Preparation for the World of Shit that is the Bus. Seriously it’s its Own fucked up Self Contained Ecosystem and shit. There People Riding on the Bus that I swear to God You’ll NEVER see fucking Elsewhere. They’re the Galapagos Tortoises of the Human fucking Race.”

It was Just Then that Lee looked up from His Beer to See the Bus pulling Up to Their Stop.

Stay Tuned for the Next Physics Defying Installment of………

LEE JONHITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (55/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober