Alternative Comedy – Page 7

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (53 /365)

After an intense Moment of Eye Contact the Officer turned on His heel and headed back to His Patrol Car Leaving Lee and Dizzy standing in the Street like a bunch of assholes.

“FUCK THE POLICE!” yelled Dizzy Defiantly at the Police Officer Back still steaming about the Whole Situation.

“Fuck You Too.” answered the Police Officer over His shoulder not breaking stride before getting in His Patrol Car, and Speed Off Annoyed that He had to deal with Two Drunken Idiots when there was Real Crime out there He could have been Fighting.

“So now what the fuck are We gonna do?!” asked Lee bewildered by what had just happened and still quite Drunk. Lee started to riffle through His pockets searching for spare change for the Bus. There was absolutely No Way in Hell He was ever setting a single fucking foot in Dizzy’s Apartment ever again. Lee looked up briefly to see what the fuck Dizzy was doing since He had momentarily forgotten about Him. Dizzy was standing with a dumbfounded expression plastered across his face like a Drunken Mental Patient swaying ever so slightly as He Peered off blankly into the Distance.

“You got any Change for the Bus?” Lee wondered aloud as He continued to Pilfer His Pockets for literally all they were worth.

“Are You talking t Yourself or Me?!” Dizzy inquired as He slowly transitioned from wherever the fuck He was at in His Head back to Reality, and thought standing in the Street made Him look like some sort of an asshole.

“You I’m obviously talking to You I mean I know what the fuck I’m doing! I’m checking to see if I have change. So It’s You I’m wondering about.” quipped Lee snidely as He was less than Happy at How things had Turned Out.

“It’s not so fucking Obvious though is It really I had Not a fucking Clue who You were addressing, and that’s why I had to fucking ask.” replied Dizzy in an equally snarky tone as He too was Thrilled about Recent Events either.

“I don’t have any change But I found a couple of Dollar Bills and We can get Change from the Corner Deli on the Way to the Bus Stop so that’ll work, Talk about convenient right?” said Lee in a more Up Beat Tone as He realized there was No Point in Wasting the Rest of the Day over some Stupid shit.

Lee started off toward the Corner Deli down the Block with Dizzy following in Tow. As They walked Lee was Mentally going over a Fictional Best Guess Copy of the Crystal Diner’s possible Menu because He was He felt on the Brink of Starvation His Hunger Fueled by His Alcohol Intake. Dizzy on the Other hand Decided this was an opportune time to Voice His rather Dismal Opinion of Public Transportation mainly Buses.

“Do You have any Idea how fucking much the Bus Sucks because if You’ve never been on a goddamn Bus before it’s a Big Old Bitch I’ll tell You That right Here Right Now,” griped Dizzy as He began to rev up into His Next Opinion Laden Rant, “First off Buses are Big Mobile Petrie Dish of Every fucking Bacteria, Virus, Internal Parasite, and Illness or Disease under the fucking Sun. You ever have Giardia because You will You ride the fucking Bus. One 10 minute run down the Road and that Evening You’ll be Shitting Your fucking Brains Out Literally. You will actually shit out Your Brain, and Once Your Mind exits Your Body Via Your asshole there’s No Turning Back Your Proper Fucked plain and simple My Friend.”

“I think Your being really fucking Overdramatic it’s like Your the fucking Mass Transit Drama Queen for crying Out Loud. Could You be any More Over the Top fucking Seriously.” complained Lee as The Two neared the Deli.

“Well the fucking Sickness is only the TIP of the fucking Iceberg of Shit that is The Bus, and I’ve only begun to Speak My Mind Motherfucker so Deal with That.” announced Dizzy with a great deal of Gusto.

Stay Tuned for the Next Bowel Clenching Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (54/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Stress Kills (0.01)

Smeldy pulled into the Last Parking Space in the entire Parking Lot Not by choice mind you, but because there simply wasn’t anywhere else He could have possibly Park. To say Smelly detested Shopping would be the understatement of the Millennium as Smedly HATED IT. He Hated it with every fucking fiber of His being. It was the actual act of Shopping that enraged Him so it was all the Other Shoppers that were the source of Smedly’s Anti-Shopping Hate.

This was a ongoing Theme in Smedly’s Life. Smedly for all intents and purposes Despised People and the Humanity in General. This was why Smedley didn’t Drive unless He had to He loved Driving itself, But again it was all the Other Drivers that sucked the fun out for Him. Also and for the same Reason Smedly avoided Sports Bars which tended to be Crowded, Loud, and Full of Personality Types He found despicable (The Sports Fanatic the one’s who refer to their favorite Team as “Our Team” or the Overly Macho Frat Boy Types that use Sports as a Reason to Binge Drink. Lastly Smedly hated Eat in Public as He had a serious and extreme aversion to People looking or Staring at Him especially when He was Eating.

The Trend of 24 Hour Big Box Stores such as Walmart for example were a Godsend for Smedly as it alleviated the Other Shoppers Issue. He could walk right in and move freely around the Store collecting His purchases in relative Peace. The Only other living Souls in the Entire Place where a COuple of Cashiers, and the Overnight Stocking Crew. Smedly found this pleasing as He could conduct His entire shopping trip without seeing a single other Human Being it was almost like He was the Last Man On Earth (the idea of which suited Smedly just fine).

Unfortunately Today Smedly was in Dire need of Assorted Odds and Ends, and it just so happened to be the Weekend which meant everyone and Their fucking Mothers were Off work and Running Errands all damn Day Long. Smedly sighed as He walked briskly towards the Glutton’s Grocery Store in anticipation of the Fresh Hell lying in wait for Him inside. Smedly was a Typical Commando Shopper. This in part was what made the act of Shopping during Normal Business Hours so Miserable for Smedly. A Commando Shopper has a short and concise list of a Handful of Purchases that They need to make, and They retrieve them quickly as humanly possible. Once the Purchase have been collected the Commando Shopper makes a Direct B-line towards the Nearest Cashier with Payment Method in Hand enabling them to Check out Quickly as They Can.

Smelly hit the Front Door like a fucking out of control Battering Ram and was immediately met with a Variable Sea of Shoppers. As Smedly scanned the Store just after entering in Contempt as The Shopping Scene He was about to Enter into was definitely as Big a Pain in the Ass as He had thought it would be. It appeared the Entire Population of the State was out doing Their Weekly Shopping Smedly thought to Himself angrily. Smedly set off delving into the Ocean of Consumers as He devised an optimal Shopping Strategy to Assist in making this Shopping Trip Less Hellish than it had to be.

Smedly decided to Start in the Dairy department since He needed some Milk and then He would work His way across the Store to the Other side picking up what He needed on the Way. Smedly was having trouble navigating through the Herd of Shoppers as They wondered aimlessly around the Store utterly oblivious to Their surroundings. The Principle for success was the same in Auto Racing Smedly thought to Himself Angrily. Like in Auto Racing the Key to getting a Head is locating an opening in-between Your Opponent that You can squeeze through to get ahead.

Smedly reached the Dairy case only to find the Part of the Dairy case that Housed the Milk was currently being blocked by a Self Absorbed Soccer Mom with a Full Cart and Several unruly Children Running amok as She idols chatted on Her Cell Phone. Patience was a Virtue that Smedly was sadly Born without so it took only a brief moment before Smedly lost His temper succumbing to His Growing Frustration. Smedly announced Loudly to No One in particular that it was truly Amazing how Self Centered People became when They were on Their goddamn Cell Phones. The Woman then annoyingly told whoever She was talking to to Hold on a minute, shot Smedly a Aggressive Stare that clearly read as “Eat Shit” before rounding up Her Children, and Finally getting the fuck out of the Way already.

Smedly snatched up a Gallon of Milk like a Hawk snatching it Prey right out of Thin Air. Next Smedly needed Eggs so He walked down to the Egg section of the Dairy Area where He was accosted by a Little Old Man who looked to be over a Hundred Years Old. As Smedly was inspecting Cartons of Eggs to insure none where cracked or in any other way Damaged The Little Old Man who was a complete Stranger moseyed over and stood right next to Smedly. The Old Man launched into a diatribe about how to properly select eggs, and that He grew up on a Farm, and that His father was a Farmer and His Father before Him. Smedly honestly didn’t want to be Rude as He felt guilty snapping at Senior Citizens inspect of Showing Them the Respect They Deserved. Smedly metaphorically almost Bit His Tongue in two Trying to keep His shit together. At last Smedly couldn’t stand the inane babbling of the Old Man and promptly told Him thank you for the helpful hints, and God Bless the Farmers before making a hasty exit.

Smedly circumvented the Store amassing His Purchases as best He could having to deal with Slow Old Ladys pushing over loaded Shopping carts full of canned Cat food, the Swarms of Aggitated Children Who’s Parents didn’t seem to give a fuck about how their kids acted especially in Public, the Idle Shoppers who stand periodically in front of the Selves staring intently at the Products as if They are expecting to Learn the meaning of Life, the Young Couples that wasted time and clogged up isles with Their over abundant displays of Affection, the Loners who walk down the isles like a Death Row Prisoner as They head to Execution, the cell phone shoppers that had to price compare every single item them purchase, the Cell Phone Zombies who come to complete standstill wherever They are and post up like a fucking a Volunteer Tree, and the Indecisive Shoppers that spend Their time taking items off the shelves only to look at it, and place it back on the shelf before removing yet another item over and over like their trapped in a fucking Loop.

The Line was occupationally long reminding Smedly of the Line at a Theme Park one of the Ones that You stand in for an Hour and a Half for a 3 minute ride. The Line inched along at a painfully slow pace which only served to irritate Smedly further. When Smedly felt He had reached full bullshit saturation (and was in real risk of creating a sense that would inevitable get Him banned for Life from the Store) He smartly asked the Young Man behind Him who was purchasing a 12 pack of PBR and a Frozen Pizza if He would hold His place in Line since He inconveniently had to Use the Bathroom which wasn’t an lie entirely. While Smedly didn’t actually need to Use the Bathroom He was headed there none the Less as the Bathroom was the only place Smedly could get a modicum of Silence and a small dose of Privacy.

As Smedly entered the Bathroom He became aware of some Hipster Business Man standing at the Urinal emptying His bladder while talking loudly on His Blue Tooth Ear Piece. Smedly had a special hate in His heart for Blue Tooth Ear Pieces which did serve a purpose when it came to Driver Safety outside of a Car though a Blue Tooth Ear Piece was Unnecessary and Asinine. Not only was this Guy jabbering away while using the Facilities He was waving His right arm around like a Air Traffic Controller with Wild abandon which almost lead to Him inadvertently smacking a few Shoppers as They made Their way to the Bathroom sinks. Smedly instantly judged then Man was an all around asshole, and Someone should fucking do something since this Guy obviously needed to be felt with. Smedly then accepted the fact that the person He was thinking of would have to be Him as No One else seemed to be Volunteering to do so.

Once the Bathroom was empty accept for the Two of Them Smedly slid up behind the Blue Tooth Guy and applied a chock hold that would make a Boa Constrictor Jealous. Smedly then dragged the shocked Blue Tooth Guy backwards into the Handicapped Stall. Once in the Stall Smedly frantically fidgeted with one hand to engage the Door Latch which He finally accomplished by almost breaking His wrist in the Process. Once the Door was Latched Smedly swung the Man around so He was facing the Toilet, and then pushed the Man down to His Knees still applying the Choke Hold like His life depended on it. Then Smedly released the Choke Hold and using all of His strength and with His full weight behind it Shoved The Man’s face directly into the Toilet. The Man attempted to use His arms to keep from being slammed face first into the toilet bowl, but Smedly used His feet to stomp on the Man’s hands forcing Him to let go of the Toilet Seat.

To add insult to injury the Toilet had been apparently been used several times without being flushed so Once the Man’s face was submerged and He was struggling with all His Might Smedly decided to keep the MAn’s head pinned in the Toilet with His Foot to avoid the disgusting Mess. As Smedly stood there with His foot firmly planted on the back of the Man’s Head Smedly thought to Himself that the Drowning was taking longer than Usual, and that this Guy must have the Lung capacity of an Olympic Swimmer or some shit. Smedly was aware that His window of opportunity was closing as the Guy was making a great deal of noise and it was just a matter of time before another Shopper came in to vacate Their Bowels.

Smedly who had always been able to think on His feet realized what He had to do and do it fast. Smedly took His foot off on the back of the Man’s head for a split millisecond before bringing it down like a Sledge Hammer down at the Base of the Man’s Skull. The Man’s neck snapped with a loud Pop as if a Giant was cracking its knuckles, and the Mans arms dropped like a bad transmission as His body went limp. At last the Job was done and there was one less asshole in the world, well that’s how Smedly felt about in anyways. Smedly calmly Hoisted the Dead Man’s Lifeless Body up into the Seated position on the Toilet. He then pulled down the Man’s pants to sell the look that He wasn’t Dead, but using the Bathroom like any living Person. Smedly peaked out of the Stall to insure that coast os clear before exiting swiftly without making a sound like a Demon’s Whisper.

Smedly made His way back to His Cashier in the nick of time as He was Next in line. Smedly Thanked the Young Man for being cool enough to save His place for Him while He went to the Bathroom. The Young Man said it was no problem since it happens to everyone at least once in Their Lives. Smedly happily agreed as He paid the Cashier. With His purchases bagged up and in His Cart Smedly calmly left the Grocery Store, loaded the Groceries into His car, carefully shut the Trunk of His Car, hopped in, and Drove Off with a Smile on His Face feeling completely Stress Free.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (52/365)

“Relax it’s a Cliche Cop Tactic. While He runs Our names for outstanding Warrants and the Like He is also watching Us intently.” said Lee breaking His self imposed Silence.

“Why is He watching Us He already pulled Us over. What need would there be for Him to watch Us?” asked the Driver Nervously His voice wavering slightly with Anxiety and a little Angst.

“He’s watching Us and Intentionally taking His Time. He’s doing it to make Us Tense, I mean that’s the Point. If We get Nervous because say We have Something to Hide or Especially if We’re Guilty of Something We would undoubtedly Crack under the Pressure. And When We cracked We’d fuck up Some How You know like Give Something Away. We could Panic and make a Run for it, We could Nervously glance over at the Car or Something Similar. That’s the Guilty Mentality Our beloved Cop Friend is Currently Searching for.” chimed in Dizzy His Voice Flat and Monotone having been greatly Sobered by the Run in with the Law.

The Trio returned to quietly Sitting on the Curb as They waited for the Cop to Return with His Verdict on If/ Who could possible be in Legal Trouble as a Result of the Situation. As Lee sat He couldn’t help thinking to Himself this, THIS was the Part of being Pulled Over He Hated the Most of All. The Public Shaming that Occurs when You’re Pulled Over is what Lee found to be Utterly Embarrassing. Sitting in Your Car or Worse in this Case on the fucking Curb as an Onslaught of Other People as They Drive by Rubber Necking like the Motherfuckers They Are.

The fucking Hypocrisy of it struck a Nerve in Lee like a 12 Pound Sledge Hammer. All These People Driving by with look of Condemnation or Vague Disgust as if They had never been Pulled Over before at some fucking Point in Their Lives. How quickly They forgot the Humiliation of being Treated like a fucking Idiot by a Callous Uncaring Cop aside from the Parade of Pretentious Pricks Driving by Leering Away. People are Shit Lee summized once Again when The Cop Finally came Striding back Over walking Heavily so His Boots made a Deep, but Audible Thumping sound as He Clomped Across the Asphalt like an asshole.

“Alright Listen Up as I’m saying this Once and Once Only. Benny (which was the Driver’s Name if Dizzy or Lee had actually asked Him) if there is a Victim in this Scenario then it’s You. Obviously theses to Gentlemen are Obviously Intoxicated, and They’re Bigger than You so They just Bullied You into this Idiocy to begin with. My Point is I have No doubt You didn’t participate willingly.”said the Cop matter of Factly without Blinking an Eye.

The Cop then Dismissed Benny who got in His Car and drove off as Fast as He dared. The Cop then told Dizzy and Lee They could Stand if They wished. Lee was instantly Irritated by the Cop’s Statement. What the fuck was the Point OF COURSE They rather Stand like Men then be Assigned to Sit on the Curb like a Misbehaving Kid.

“As for You Two I’m going to Let You Off with a Stern Warning. I really don’t have the Time to Attend to Juvenile Bullshit when there is REAL Crimes being Committed. So I suggest You do One of Two things Gentlemen You either Go Home and Sleep it Off, Or if You insist on Going Out there is a Bus Stop right around the Corner. And let ME make this ABUNDANTLY CLEAR if I have to Deal with You Two Again I will Arrest You I Guarantee You That.” said The Cop in a seriously Authoritative Tone as He stared at Dizzy and Lee unflinchingly.

Stay Tuned For The Next Volatile Installment Of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (53/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober.

Millennials, a Bistro, and a Whole Lot of Bullshit.

This Weekend My Wife and I went to see Her Cousin Ave compete in that Weekend’s Auto Races since Ave had become an Adamant Racer several years ago, but this was the First time My Wife and I were able to Attend. After the Race We got the pleasure of meeting His Pit Crew so to Speak as They were Working Their Asses off at the Time, and We were Afforded an Up Close and Personal look at His Race Car. Ave’s Parents Kay and Jay along with Ave’s Wife Steph were there though They didn’t attend a great deal of Ave’s races. This was simply because Watching Ave Race was/is Nerve Wracking to Say the Least for His Mother and His Wife.

After Hanging out for awhile Behind The Scenes We left the Race Track and headed for Our Dinning Destination for the Evening just a short 15 minutes Away called Pompous Bistro and Beer Garden. Since Ave was the one who made the Reservation (and I trust Ave), AND with Beer Garden in the Name I was Highly Optimistic.

You see I rather Eat in than Eat Out honestly since Restaurants can be a Huge fucking Hassle especially if You’re Not a Trend Chasing Hipster Lemming or a fucking Foodie. In Addition I am NOT a Fine Dining Person fucking Period. I am Reviled by the so called Luxurious Fine Dinning Experience I find it Disgusting all Around and on All Levels. The Whole Arrogant Elitist Pomp and Circumstance feeling, nay believing They are Superior to Others based on Their fucking Bank Accounts. They can Administer Fas Gras Enema’s to Each other for all I fucking Care, but as For Now on the Subject of Alleged Fine Dining I Digress.

We pulled up outside and parked on the Street My Wife’s Family had already arrived, and We walked Through a Gate into a Maze like Garden that really was kind of cool. As We walked around a winding trail through the Garden making Our way to the Hostess there were Little outlets a few with Fire Pits, a Couple Lounge Areas, and several Tables Intertwined throughout. There was so much Vegetation along with an Abundant amount of Flora and Fauna that the Garden had an underlying Jungle feel to it.

At last We reached The Hostess station which was located Outside of the Main Building as it were. I say Building because it was a Mediterranean Style Outside Dinning area where there No Actual Walls there’s just Shades hanging in-between Pillars to Keep the Sun out of Dinners Eyes. I’ve seen this Concept in the Islands of The Great Southern Swamp, and what I have always wondered, and still do is How the hell Do You Keep People from Robbing/Vandalizing the Your Establishment if THERE NO FUCKING WALLS?!

Anyway We meet up with My Wife’s Family Who were Seated already when a Overtly Dramatic Millennial Euro Trash Waitress sauntered lazily up to Our Table. She was Wearing a Sun Dress with a Plunging Neck Line so there was plenty of Opportunities to Show Off Her Collection of Pretentious Tattoos. She had every fucking Cliche in the Book of Hipster Tattoos there was the Traditional Ying Yang, OM Sign, Buddha Statue, Lotus Flower, The Joshua Tree, A Japanese Coy Fish, a Fairy, The Symbol for the Female Sex, an Elaborately Done Peace Sign, and at Least 3 Asian Characters that Adorned Her Arms, Shoulders, and Neck.

She Talked as if She was Bored as Fuck and could care facing Less about Us or any Other Customers. As She stood at the head of Or Table with Her head Slightly Tilted to one side, and a Vacant Stare into the Horizon informed Us of the Following. Apparently the Bistro had recently Implemented a New Policy Our Food Would NOT be coming out all Together BUT rather randomly when ever it is or isn’t ready. This concept of Theirs goes against fucking Common Sense as it Utterly fucking Transforms the Dinning Experience into One Drawn Out 3 Ring Bullshit Culinary Circus.

Going Out to Eat is at the Heart about Spending time and converting with Friends and Family over Food. That is why Real Restaurants rely on Timing as one of the Key Principles/Factors of Service in The Food MUST GO OUT TOGETHER NEVER SEPARATELY. This Provides for the Meal and Social Gatherings Cohesiveness and Efficiency on All Fronts. Bottom Line: No One Likes or Wants to be The Person at the Table that Doesn’t have Their Food Point Blank.

We gave The Euro Trash Hipster Our drink Order and though the Sign claimed this was a Beer Garden it was unlike any fucking Beer Garden I’ve been to Before. Usually a Beer Garden is a Large Banquet Hall lined with Rows of Tables and Benches, and They have a Very Distinct Bavarian (German) Theme to It. There is also Large crowds of Happy Beer Loving Binge Drinkers Hooting and Howling with Laughter in Total Abandon. I say this because when I looked on the Menu There was No Beer List. There was a Wine List and a Cocktail Menu, but again Not a single piece of Literature on the Table pertained to Beer. As I was annoyingly glaring around I noticed a Floor to Ceiling Black Board with the Title “NO CRAP ON TAP” at the Top. Under the Header was a short list of 8 to 10 Craft Beers I was Unfamiliar with, and that was it that was Their Beer Garden Concept.

We got Our drinks and about 25 minutes or so a Stereotypical Portland/Seattle/Colorado Millennial Girl sporting a Bright Plad Flannel Shirt, Jeans, and Sneakers arrived at Our table. She gave Us the Specials which I didn’t pay attention to. She then goes into a LONGER DISCLAIMER that Due to the New Policy Our Food would NOT be coming out Together but rather whenever the fuck its ready. I ordered a Bowl of Lobster Mac and Cheese, My Wife Had one of those European Meat and Cheese Samplers, Ave and Steph ordered Tacos, and Kay Ordered the Lobster Mac and Cheese with an additional House Salad, and Jay ordered two Hot dishes I forget what they were.

40 minutes Later the First couple Dishes come out and, Ironically All the Dishes were Hot Dishes while the Salad and Cold Meat and Cheese Plate did Not. Again this makes No fucking sense since Obviously a fucking House Salad and Cold Meat and Cheese Plate should have been first since They were the Easiest to Fix. About half an Hour passes as the next few Items came in a On going Bizarre Fashion. My Wife’s Aunt Kay was Served Her Mac and Cheese 20 Minutes BEFORE Her House Salad was served. Also why the fuck You wouldn’t prepare the Two Orders of Mac and Cheese since I had order it as well at the same Time and serve them accordingly, But I was left in the Lurch as it were.

Finally everyone But My Wife and I had not only been Served They had completely finished. And since We had to kill so much fucking time waiting on Our Food that was slowly trickling out of the Kitchen We had exhausted virtually every topic of Conversation. Everyone was Tired from the Days Affairs and having Eaten where Now Succumbing to the Tiredness that comes with Digestion. Then My Wife’s food came to the Table directly followed by Mine. Now My Wife’s Family was being as cool as shit about it it was still apparent They were ready to Head on Home. It didn’t matter unfortunately even though They were being cool You can’t get Your food last and NOT feel fucking rushed, and that sucks since You go out to Enjoy your food and not feel like You have to Eat it fast as fuck since it came out so goddamn late.

The Worst Part was the Perky Flannel Millennial Girl kept popping by Our table periodically, and was trying to be all uplifting and positive TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS to the fact that the Entire Table was slowing becoming fed up with Their Food Service. Honestly if We weren’t having Dinner with My Wife’s Family I would have walked the fuck out as soon as the Euro Trash Millennial made the Initial New Service Policy Statement. And of course I’m trying like a Motherfucker to bite My Tongue and play it cool since I’m with My In laws and Not absolutely Loose My Shit since You couldn’t designed a Restaurant I could have Hated any More Than I fucking Hated Pompous Bistro I fucking assure You. I just kept envisioning snapping and Choke Slamming The Millennial Food Server wearing 1950’s Librarian Black Rim Glasses, and a Wool Knit Hat (so He looked like the Lost Member of Cold Play or some shit) through a fucking Table.

At last the Painfully Drawn Out Affair was done accept Now (and I don’t have a fucking clue WHY) Some People at Our Table wanted Dessert. Mind You had some unfinished Business that I had to attend to later that Evening, and it was a 90 minute Drive back to where I needed to be to do so. My Wife saw Me cringe with Contempt and the mention of Dessert reassured Me it was just Ice Cream with a Pastry or something similar So it should be that Bad. I responded by saying that We were dealing with complete culinary idiocy being felt out by a Cliche Cast of Mind Numbing Millennial Trendy Hipster Sons of Bitches.

Seriously it Took an HOUR before a House Salad that had been ordered actually made it to the Table not to Mention Her Cold Meat and Cheese Deal that essentially came out Dead Last. My Point being I had No Faith in these fucking Fools, and Any Possible Good Will had Faded Away Long, Long Ago. I wanted just One thing and one thing Only. I wanted to Leave Immediately at that Point in the Evening. Just under Half an Hour later The 3 Ice Cream Desserts Arrived, We ate Then quickly, Paid, and Left Never to Return.

I still Can’t wrap My head around such a Obviously Outrageously Idiotic Service, and No One I have asked Plenty of Whom Have Experience be it Past or Present in the Restaurant Service Industry. All I have come up with is Pompous Bistro was Built as a Monument to The Mundane Millennial Lifestyle where No One makes Plans, Shit Just Happens, and Where People can Lounge Around all Day with No Concerns or Responsibilities. Who cares when Their food comes When They have No Where To Be and Nothing To Do other than Obsess about Social Media, Play Moronic Games on Their Smart Phones, Stream Netflix for 12 Hours StraightBinge Watching Bullshit, Idly fucking around with Apps, and Sitting Around Working on Their Never Going to Happen Screen Play.

Thanks for Reading,

by Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (51/365)

The Smart Car began creeping down the Road at a Snails pace as the Driver was Teetering on the Edge of a Full Blown Panic Attack. The Driver’s Anxiety had shot up Astronomically having now Fully Realized the Consequences of the Situation He had gotten Himself Into. There was a Intoxicated Lunatic hanging onto the Back of His Car by the Rear Windshield Wiper which was both Dangerous and Illegal. Then again what could He possibly do about it in all reality? He had tried to Argue the Logic and Legalities as much as He could have, But Dizzy was Bigger, Intoxicated, and On the Verge of Becoming Who Knows How Violent?! It didn’t make sense to Run the Risk of getting Murdered by Dizzy on the Grimy Sidewalk Considering a Possible Run in with The Police whoHe was pretty Certain, unlike Dizzy, wouldn’t Kill Him. And in that Split instant is When the Driver Instinctually Decided Risking Arrest Triumphed Over Risking Death.

“My fucking Great Grandmother’s piece of shit Hover Round Motorized Chair goes faster than this Glorified Golf Cart, and I’d like to get where I’m going BEFORE I’m fucking Dead.” exclaimed Dizzy.

“Safety First.” responded the Driver trying hard as hell to sound confident while Praying Silently to Himself that His comment didn’t unlock another Level of Lunacy in Dizzy.

“We just got Lapped by DANCING DAVE which is fucking PHENOMENAL considering Dancing Dave DOESN’T MOVE! He’s STATIONARY AS SHIT! HE’S A STATUE OF LIVING FLESH for Christ’s Sake, and God ONLY knows How He just fucking Passed Us. So THAT’S a fucking Thing Now.” continued Dizzy Thoroughly Undeterred and Continuing His One Man Riot from the Rear of the Vehicle.

“You damn all know He’s Not going to Stop so You may as well at least go as Fast as You can Stand to right fucking Now and take it from there.” said Lee Knowingly.

“Look I don’t care if He kills Himself doing this ridiculous Juvenile bullshit, BUT I don’t want to fuck My Life up by going to Jail if He Does Die because I let Him do it.” stammered the Driver Uneasily as He could actually feel Himself slowly coming Undone as His Sanity Slipped further Away from Him.

The Smart Car arrived unceremoniously at the End of the Street where the Driver came to a gruelingly Cautious, and Complete Stop before turning Right onto a Main Street. The Driver’s Blinker hadn’t even have the time to Click Itself Off at the Completion of the Turn before the Blaring Police Lights filled the Driver’s Rear View Mirrors like the World’s Shittiest Circus You ever Saw in Your Life. The Driver breathed a Sigh of Relief because though He may be in some Legal Trouble He would soon be Free of the Madman that had Personally taken a Huge Stinking Shit on HIs Afternoon, and His basically Useless Side Kick Friend.

The Driver complied with the Police Officer and Immediately pulled over to the side of the road, pt the Car in Park, and turned off the Engine. He then proceeded to get His Documents in Order diligently collecting His License, Registration, and Proof of Insurance Ready and a Waiting for the Inevitable Police Officer’s Initial request. Thats when supposedly the Police Officer opted to Use the PA System in His Patrol Car as He barked out Orders. First He ordered Dizzy to Left go of the Wiper, get off the Skateboard, and take a Seat on the Curb. Once Dizzy was Seated the Officer Instructed The Driver to Slowly Exit the Vehicle with His Hands where He could See them. Once the Driver was out He too was Ordered to Sit on the Curb as well. Finally The Officer commanded Lee to do the same as the Driver had done. Now with all three sitting on the curb like a Group of Dejected Gargoyles the Officer finally got out of the Patrol Car.

The Officer stood stoically by His Cruiser pausing for full fucking Effect before taking His time walking over to the Guys Sitting Silently on the Curb. Once He was in front of The Driver, Dizzy, and Lee He took a few Moments to Pace Deliberately back and Forth trying to convey Authority, and Keep everyone on Edge.

“So Gentlemen Which One of You would like to Fill ME in on what Exactly is Going on Here?!” asked the Officer in a Low and Steady tone of Voice Devoid of any Emotion Whatsoever.

“Well I can.” said The Ride Driver volunteering Himself.

“No He can’t the Guy in spite of looking like a Reject from the Cats of The Big Bang Theory He’s an Absolute Idiot, The Guy doesn’t know how to Live Life Apparently.” quipped Dizzy Sarcastically while Leering Creepily at the Driver.

“Alright Enough Drama You Queens, Everyone lets see some Identification.” instructed the Officer Robotically having asked this Question countless times before that it had become Second Nature.

The Officer collected the Identifications and then Lazily flipped through them like they were Baseball Cards and He was assessing the Personal Statistics of Each of Them. The Officer then asked for the Driver’s Proof of Insurance and Registration before returning to His Patrol Car. Dizzy shifted His weight from one ass check to the Other as His ass started to go Numb from sitting on the Cement Curb. Lee tried to remain as Still as fucking Human possible for the Fear of doing Something that freaked the Officer Out resulting in Lee getting Mistakenly Shot and Killed on the Spot. The Driver sat hunched Over staring at His feet looking as Sad and Pathetic as Eeyore from Winnie-The-Pooh Children’s Books.

“What is He Doing He’s been sitting in His Patrol Car for over 11 minutes Almost already.” wondered the Driver Out Loud since He had never been pulled over before, and wasn’t sure what the fuck to Expect.

“He’s trying to figure out if He wants to Fill out the shit ton of Paperwork in the Case He does take Us into Custody Versus Simply Killing us and Disposing of Our Bodies at Some random Rural Dump Site in the Middle of No Man’s Land America.” Speculated Dizzy Snidely Deliberately trying to Agitate the Already Distraught Driver.

Stay Tuned for the Next Absurdity Based Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (52/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (49/365)

The Driver walked around the Smart Car with Purpose, opened the Door, leaned in, checked the Charge Level for the Battery, and then walked Smugly back over to Dizzy.

“The Car has a Healthy 70% Charge Currently so We should be Fine.” said The Driver being a Passive Aggressive little shit.

“YOU DIDN’T ASK WHERE THE FUCK WE ARE GOING ASSHOLE!” Screamed Dizzy Now Fully Enraged with His Face turning Such a Deep Shade of Crimson. The Veins in His Neck stuck out like the Steel Cables of a Suspension Bridge as Sweat Started to trickle down Dizzy’s Face and into HIs Eyes.

“Sir You told the Dispatcher when You called for the Ride. The Dispatcher then Radioed Me, and Told Me where I could pick You up at, as well as where Your Destination so I could Determine if I wanted to take the Calls o to speak.” said the Guy smirking Triumphantly in full on Gloat Mode.

“FINE! I Digress on the Issue of Battery Life in that Glorified Bumper Car with Wheels You’r sporting there Sport.” respond Dizzy Vindictively fancily wiping the growing amount of sweat out of His eyes.

“I do have a Question though.” Lee said Speaking Up for the First time during the Ongoing War of the Smart Car, but He knew He needed Dizzy to chill the fuck out for Christ’s sake.

If Dizzy didn’t Relax He was bound to fucking have a Massive Embolism, Fall on His face Dead right there on the fucking Sidewalk. Lee didn’t have any real set Plans other than bumming around with Dizzy for Shits and Giggles, Yet He was pretty fucking sure HE didn’t have time to do with a Medical Emergency that Ended Promptly in a Fatality.

“Yes Sir how may I Best Address Your Question?” asked The Driver politely as He had no issue with Lee who again had been standing quietly in the Background. It wasn’t Lee’s fault His buddy was a being Completely Batshit Crazy for No real reason other than He apparently seemed to find issue with every fucking thing He came across. Ok well thought the Driver to Himself it did Say a little Something about Lee which was He had shitty taste in Friends. Still Bad Taste wasn’t a Crime.

“Well We are 3 grown Adults, and Your Smart Car can only accommodate 2 Adults at Best. So wouldn’t that result in You having to Drive each one of US to Our destination One at a fucking Time? That and if You have to Drive Us Separately then that will Tax Your Battery Double fucking Time which would Require You to Stop and Recharge between Trips?!” Lee questioned doing HIs best Not to come off like a Dick. He figured it was Safe to Assume at this point if The Driver had an Issue with Him Too He’d get bent and Bounce leaving the Two of Them Stranded with Their preverbal cocks in Their Hands.

“HOLY SHIT! I was so pissed that You had the absolute lack of common fucking sense since the Dispatcher called You with the Specifics of The Job! They had to have told You that You’d be picking up 2 Passengers right? Two Grown fucking Adults, Not a couple of Circus Midgets or a Pair of Quadruple Amputees?! NO THEY DIDN’T YOU GODDAMN DICK!” said Dizzy getting louder as He spoke apparently on the Verge of Launching The Second War of the Smart Car.

“The Dispatcher did inform Me that there would be 2 passengers that is True, but I figured You two could simply just sit on each others Laps I mean its not that long a Drive. According to My GPS it says the Crystal Diner is 17 minutes way.” respond The Driver cockily as if HE had just solved the World’s Most complex Brain Teaser.

“Sit on Each other’s Lap ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS YOU Snide Little Man Child Fuck, I’m Not paying My hard earned Cash to Ride around sitting on My Friends fucking Lap like a Little fucking Kid!” Snapped Dizzy Harshly nearly Hitting His Breaking Point.

“You could have Your Friend here sit on Your Lap if that Suits You Better Sir.” suggested the Driver jokingly trying to Lighten the Mood as Now He was getting nervous that Dizzy would simply Murder the Shit out of Him, Steal His Cash, and Drive off in His Smart Car regardless of His Loud Mouthed Bullshit Temper Tantrum on the Subject.

“DO YOU WANT TO DIE?! DO YOU? DO YOU WANT TO FUCKING DIE RIGHT HERE OUTSIDE THIS SHITTY OLD HOTEL/APPARTMENT BUILDING?! Obviously I’m not going to fucking Pay You to have My fucking Friend sit on MY LAP IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE Who sitting on Who COME THE FUCK ON!” seethed Dizzy through His teeth which were so Clenched they were beginning to Grind making a very Disturbing Sound like some object that has been pushed to it limit, and it was just a matter of Seconds before it Snapped Splintering into Fragments.

Stay Tuned For The Next Flabbergasting Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHERS

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (48/365)

Lee a bit startled by Dizzy’s sudden outburst looked up from the ground where He had been Looking to avoid stepping on shards of Broken Glass or a Used Syringe. Parked directly in front of Dizzy’s Apartment Building was a Vehicle that was so Small it was a wonder anyone referred to it as a Car in the First fucking Place. Standing next to the Smart Car was a Young man who looked to be in his Early to Mid Twenties wearing a Big Bang T-Shirt featuring the Character Sheldon on it, a Pair of Kaki Cargo Shorts, and a Pair of Pristine White Converse All Star Sneakers. Lee imagined The Driver resembled one of the Many Action Figures languishing in Perfect Condition Imprisoned in Their Original Packing/Box back at His Studio Apartment.

“A fucking Smart Car, Why even fucking bother to Show the fuck Up? Smart Cars aren’t a Car, nor a legitimate Vehicle as THEY ARE A GODDAMN JOKE. There Tiny Hippy Mobiles going all Green with No Carbon Footprint or what the fuck ever.” yelled Dizzy Aggressively as He waved His Arms in the Air like a Chicken trying to Fly, and continuously pointing at the Smart Car during His Tirade.

“Smart Cars are Safe as long as You don’t drive like a total dick, and it gets 60 Miles per Charge, and No fluctuating Gas Prices to deal with.” replied the Driver holding His Ground.

“60 Miles? 60 Motherfucking Miles? I PISS 60 MILES for fucks sake, and was it fully fucking charged before You drove the fuck over here in Your glorified Roller Skate?!” Dizzy demanded to know Seething with Equal Parts Contempt and Disgust.

“Well No Infant I charged it overnight, and I’ve had 2 calls before You today not thats its any of Your Business. I’m just telling You because Your being a Temperamentally Judgmental Tool if You must Know.” The Driver said Unwaveringly Without Batting an Eyelash.

“JESUS so its Not even fully charged, seriously WTF is wrong with You are You just hear to fuck with Me until I have a goddamn Stroke or some shit. How are We going to get anywhere without a Full fucking charge You Negligent asshole?!” growled Dizzy at the Driver giving Him the Classic 1,000 Yard Stare.

“The 2 previous calls like Yours were Rides around the City so it’s Not like I just drove cross country or finish a Nascar Race. We’ll be perfectly Fine I assure You.” said The Driver in Honesty.

“You assure Me, You fucking Assure Me?! FUCK YOU! You have No fucking idea if We will make it to Our Destination before We get stranded when Your Hot Wheels here Runs Out of Battery Charge?! You never asked Us where We were going so How the hell do You claim to know We’re going to be OK? Are You a Part Time Psychic, is that it You’re a Ride Driver by Day, and a Psychic by Night You ignorant Jackass.” asked Dizzy in the Low, Calm, and Steady tone of a Sociopath.

“Where is Your Destination Sir?” replied The Driver in a Sarcasticly Mocking Tone of Voice.

“To The Crystal Dinner over on 76th and 9764th which has to be at least 20 plus miles away You Geek Squad Wannabe.” snarled Dizzy who’s Body Language suggested He was struggling to keep from punching the Driver right in the Face.

“How far can We go then on the Current Charge?” interjected Lee who found the scene Delightfully Entertaining, BUT He didn’t want shit to get Violent. Violence Spoils a Good Time Every time that was Lee’s experience.

“Let Me Check for You Sir.” quipped The Driver Snidely giving Dizzy the Eat Shit and Die look plastered across His Face.

Stay Tuned For The Next Absurdist Installment of………

LEE JONITIS:PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (49/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

The Architecture of Human Anatomy

The Following is an Excerpt form F-YourPlay’s Current Project “The Architecture of Human Anatomy”.

Location: The Human Assembly Plant’s Board Room

In the Board room sits McCoy the current CEO at the Head of a Massive Table that seats a Heavy 16 Other Individuals. In Walk Two Individuals in Dark Green Coveralls carrying Clipboards one in each hand looking a Bit Confused. McCoy asks the Men to Sit which They do with One sitting directly to McCoy’s Left and One directly to His Right. Once the Individuals have taken a seat McCoy Abruptly Stands Up so fast His Chair goes sailing backwards and slams into the wall.

McCoy: Dear Management I have summoned you both Here today due to the Fact that after I reviewed the Initial Construction Plans, I had some very serious questions pertaining to something I saw on the Blue Prints. (McCoy looks at the Individual sitting to His Left) Thomas I brought You here since You are the Operations Supervisor so You correlate all the intricate details of Assembly. (McCoy shifts His gaze to the Individual to His right) Tim I sent for You as You are the Head of Our Mechanics Department so You know every piece of this Puzzle and what it does or what it’s for.

Thomas: Thank You it’s a Great Honor….

McCoy: To what Kiss My Ass? This isn’t a Social Visit Boys there some real possible problems We are facing that could delay or destroy Our Product Projection Plan. Do You think My Superior wants me kissing his ass, THAT IS NOT THE CASE I ASSURE YOU. My Boss wants My Head in the Game or on a Silver Platter, Thats the goddamn reality I live in. I exist in a constant Low Level of Anxiety. You know what really fucks with one’s anxiety, ISSUE MY FRIENDS ISSUE. Issues if they aren’t instantly stopped out become PROBLEMS and that when We find Ourselves waist deep in the Shit which in addition to being Feces is also rising.

Tim (confused but Curious) : What if I may Ask are Your concerns for Our currently Project as it were?!

McCoy: Now there is the initiative I need in this Harrowing Time. Alright let’s get to it shall We Friends. Let’s Us start with the Nose shall We. As I understand it the Human Nose is the Breathing Apparatus Yes?!

Tim: Yes that is correct it is for the intake of Oxygen which is the Principle Full used in almost All of Our Past Projects, and a standard We felt was worth sticking too.

McCoy: THEN EXPLAIN THE MUCUS! Why the hell did we add Mucus in the Nasal Passage ways since Mucus clogs them up happening the breathing process? Its counter fucking productive by definition.

Thomas: Well the Mucus acts like a filtration system to weed out unwanted Particles of various debris to prevent inhalation into the Lungs which causes extremely serious complications to Repertory Health of Our Product. Also Mucus is also designed to enter a more liquid fluid like state to aid in the drainage of Diseases such as Colds or worse the Flu helping expedite the self repairing Systems we installed.

McCoy: Mucus while it sounds quite useful may need to be reengineered or replaced all together as there glitches in its Protocol, but for now let’s move on to the Lungs. Why are we going with lungs as opposed to Gills then answer Me that?!

Tim: If we used gills inlace of lungs then they wouldn’t be Modern Humans they’d be fish. Fish are an exceedingly great product with thousands of Versions and variations they are in fact rather stupid creatures.

McCoy: I heard Dolphins where extremely intelligent.

Tim: First off they are in fact Mammals and if they were in fact exceptionally intelligent then they would move out of the Ocean and eat something other than smaller fish. We were under the distinct impression that the new Modern Human project would be our most advanced product yet.

McCoy: Fuck Dolphins then. We can stick with the lungs since they are significantly cheaper than the Gills which require the extraction of the Oxygen fuel from the Water, that filtration like process is far to damned expensive. Honestly that’s why the Company stopped using gills all together, it was to simply cut down on overhead you see.

Thomas: We have done everything possible to enhance the Modern Human Project well beyond initial projections.

McCoy: Have You? Have you really? Then what the fuck is an Appendix for? The Appendix is from a Historically Outdated Model so why is this archaic piece of shit even on the blueprints in the first fucking place Huh?

Tim: It was a budgetary issue. True the Appendix is severely outdated by several thousands of years, BUT if we didn’t use it the Expense would be deducted from Next Years budget. We didn’t want our budget decreased so we found an out of the place space to stick it the saving next years budget.

McCoy: Excellent thinking Friends thats MUCH more like it, We love company minded employees, oh that we do. Tell me then about the Intestinal Tact is that a budgetary issue as well? You see what I can’t get my head around is why we are using 20 fucking feet for the SMALL intestine, and a fucking additional 5 feet for the Large intestine. And if those are the actual measurements why the hell are We calling the bigger one Small and the smaller one Large? It’s going to complicate the instruction manual for sure.

Thomas: Well Phil in Research and Development thought it be funny as all hell if we used the total 25 feet of intestines so when Any Human Product Model got split in half or its Abdomen bursts then the intestines would pop out like the “snakes”used in those Joke Peanut Brittle cans.

Tim: As for the names Burt in Labeling is Dyslexic.

McCoy: We will need to reevaluate the Intestines at a later date then as they seem like a serious waste of Time and materials a straight line from Stomach to Rectum makes far more sense like with the Mouth to the Stomach connection. Speaking of wasted time and materials what the fuck is the deal with Hair?

Tim: Aesthetics mainly as your correct hair is unnecessary in the Modern Human Product.

Thomas: They seem to love playing with it, well the hair on their heads anyway. They cut it in different styles, dye it different colors, braid it all there all kinds of options.

McCoy: Aesthetics and Personal preference aside Hair is Obsolete. Even if it wasn’t there would still be the issue of Modern Human Product’s constantly deriving ways to REMOVE said hair. They have waxes, lotions, creams, tweezers, razors, specialized razors, and even fucking lasers. Hair is utterly pointless in my book. Now on to the Eyes.

Tim: what about them?

McCoy: We invented 5 different senses to Aid our Modern Human Products to navigate their world so why is it that 90% of the MHP’s information pertaining to their surroundings/world come solely from the fucking Eyes then?

Tim: The eyes were designed by Trent who is an overrated individual who pioneered the Nervous System so Management considers Him some kind of super fucking genius. They think so highly of Him they let him do pretty much whatever the fuck We wants, and they eat it up. Trent shits and The Board give him standing Applauses.

McCoy: That all is completely ridiculous. After this meeting I will be drawing up the proper and appropriate paperwork for Trent’s immediate Termination citing Gross Negligence. 5 senses should work together equally none should be more predominate than any other, its common fucking sense here.

Thomas: Are there any other concerns you’d like us to address?

McCoy: Damn Straight there are. Why did We select Hands over Paws?!

Thomas: Again the Modern Human Project is supposed to be our most advanced model to date, and since it was determined that they would walk upright instead of the On All Fours previous protocol they already had feet, so we worked on designing the Hands.

Tim: The only issue We hand when developing the Hands Model was with just 4 fingers the hands were flawed as fuck and virtually useless.

Thomas: That was until Phil made the correlation between Hands and Feet, noticing that without the Big toe walking was flawed and virtually useless. So Phil invented the Thumb or The Hand’s Big toe as he refers to it constantly.

McCoy: Well what the fuck Phil You’re getting a Promotion with a significant pay increase. That’s the creative drive we need to pull off this Modern Human Model. What Initiative. Phil is a fucking Visionary. The deal with Butt cheeks what’s that all about? None of Our other Life Models have Butt Cheeks, NO ONE NEEDS THEM. Not the Amphibians, Reptiles, insects, Fish, Birds, Mammals, Arachnids, not even the Microscopic Organisms need butt cheeks to dedicate properly.

Tim: They are simply space filler.

McCoy: Fucking space filler? Why do we need space filler for fucks sake?!

Tim: Since the sedition was made to have the Modern Human Models walk upright we had some spare space that needed to be fleshed out. We needed something to fill in the space between the lower back and the Top of the Legs. Also without them the MHM’s would have great difficulty sitting down which is a primary and essential function as it was described to us by Upper Management.

McCoy: Goddamn this walking upright Schematic its absolutely insane. Now we have negative spaces that we have to find a way to fill thats just fucking wonderful. Now why do we need Kidneys AND a Bladder?!

Thomas: The Bladder is the holding/short term storage of the by product of Urine. The Kidneys are the filtering system for the Bladder removing a number of harmful agents from advancing further through the MH’s various Systems.

McCoy: Fine but why can’t the Bladder DO BOTH, why can’t it FILTER and STORE Urine in the short term? The Modern Human Model has a great deal of excess parts and unnecessary measurements.

Tim: We hadn’t considered the dual functioning factor pertaining to the Bladder, but we will run the idea down to R&D immediately after this meetings conclusion.

McCoy: Very Good, our company loves loyalty. Now what’s going on with the use of Hydrochloric Acid in the Stomach as part of the digestive process, I mean Hydrochloric Acid melts the Modern Human Model’s flesh, skin, fat, and muscles leaving nothing but bare bones. Thus I am gravely concerned about its usage in the digestive process.

Thomas: True that Hydrochloric Acid is on the “Will Kill Them” watch list, but again Phil has invented a ratio that allows for digestive aid without the unpleasant liquifying effects. It’s the picture of everything in moderation I suppose.

McCoy: I suppose you’re right. Goddamn Phil is going to have a great day after this meeting, Phil is going places. Alright before I conclude this meeting for today I have one last Topic that needs addressing and thats the reproductive organs.

Tim: Genitals.

McCoy: What?!

Time: Genitals, they’re called genitals.

McCoy: I don’t give a rat’s ass what they are called it doesn’t negate any or all issues pertaining to said Genitals.

Tim and Thomas simultaneously: Duly Noted.

McCoy: Now here’s where I get concerned. What grabbed my attention initially was the vastly different schematic layouts for Modern Human Model in the Man model and the Female Model are exceedingly on the opposite ends of the spectrum.

Tim: Please could you elaborate a little for us please.

McCoy: Sure I can. The Male Model is external which makes it susceptible to injury or damage, why do we not have a skull around the genitals for protection of a fucking ribcage? Anyway the Male Model is basic and straight forward for the most part, at least as where general daily use and function are concerned anyhow.

Thomas: The Skull simply is not structurally possible, especially with the Internal Reproductive organs of our Female Model. There is No space in the Female Model, and even if there was it would only serve to totally fuck everything up. Even the Man model would be hampered on a regular daily basis by the addition of a second skull to protect the genitals.

McCoy: Fine the skull issue has been put to bed. Still why is the Female Human Model much more complex with far more parts than in our Human Male Model?

Tim: Phil’s brother Bill works in the Reproductive Design department and well he’s a dreamer, but he is also prone to the “Too Many Cooks in the Kitchen” when it comes to his thinking. He started with the Human Male Model and after designing it He was on a roll he felt. So the next thing We know Bill just keeps adding additional parts to the Human Female Model like a run away train or something. There was no way to stop or slow him down once he’s reached peaked creative mania.

McCoy: Well I have much to think about so this meeting is Over. I will have to have Bill called into Resource Department for an Evaluation. There is a fine line between Artistic excitement and Serious Insanity.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (47/365)

The Conversation was abruptly interrupted by a Loud and constant Pounding on Dizzy’s Door. In the blink of a fucking Eye Dizzy strode over to the couch, dropped to His knees, reached underneath the Couch and pulled out a Large Meat Cleaver. Then Dizzy with Meat Cleaver at the ready strode over to the Door and threw it Wide Open like a B-Horror Movie Lunatic standing in the Door way brandishing a Meat Cleaver.

Standing in the Narrow dimly lit Hallway was a skinny almost emaciated looking Kid who looked to be around 11 or 12 years of age. The Kid didn’t flinch a single muscle as the Door flung open forcefully smacking into the Wall with a Solid Thug. The Boy didn’t blink at the sight of a Irritable Asshole standing in front of Him glaring angrily at Him holding a Meat Cleaver. Through all the insanity the Boy remained perfectly still, and appeared to be completely unfazed by the whole situation.

“What the hell do You want Kid? Well What?! What do You want?!” Demanded Dizzy now appearing to be Utterly Psychotic.

The Boy took a moment to brush His bangs out of His eyes with His hand before answering Dizzy. Meanwhile Dizzy looked like He was about to suffer a Rage induced Aneurysm waiting impatiently for the Kids reply. Jesus Christ Lee thought to Himself Dizzy is definitely a very Cool Guy but Hanging out with Him was getting a tad Exhausting trying to Keep up with Dizzy’s Manic and ever changing Moods.

Dizzy seemed to Deal solely in Extremes there was No Middle Ground, No Grey Area the World was governed by what He proceeded to be Right and Wrong. While Lee was coming to appreciate Dizzy’s Passionate Persona it left Him feeling increasingly Drained as the Day went on.

“You called for a Car right.” answered the Kid unassumingly while shifting His weight from foot to foot, and not due to feeling Uneasy but more out of Boredom than anything else.

“Oh fuck Me Running!”, Dizzy exclaimed Loudly his Voice echoing down the Hallway like it was a Medieval Crypt Tunnel, “I absolutely fucking forgot We called Ride for a fucking Ride like, shit 30 minutes or so Ago goddamnit it all to Hell!”

“Well We better hurry the fuck up and Decide what the fuck We are doing then.” said Lee trying carefully Not to Exacerbate the Issue anymore than Necessary.

“Ok here We go how about this,” Dizzy pondered out loud, “I told My Buddy Phil I’d do Him a Work Favor so We could head over to The Crystal Dinner for a couple Beers and Burgers. While We there I can do what I need to to help out My Buddy Phil, and then Drinks are on Me until We part Ways at Least?”

“Sure why the hell Not I could Eat.” Lee said since it was the Easiest Path Traveled at that Moment, and Honestly He was hungry as Hell having spent all Morning into the Afternoon Day Drinking like a Lush.

So the Lee and Dizzy grabbed Their gear and ran out of the Apartment not even pausing long enough to close the Door. Lee was going to say something about the open Door, but then He figured if Dizzy didn’t mind Why the fuck should He it was Dizzy shit anyway. The Gruesome Twosome barreled through the tight, dark and rather Dank hallway corridors, and then went sleeping down the Stairs as fast as Their feet would take them.

They Two busted out the Apartment buildings Front Door like They had been shot out of a fucking Cannon onto the Street. Lee stopped for a moment bent over trying to catch His Breath. Fucking Cigarettes Lee thought to Himself as He chest Heaved Up and Down like the Ocean Waves during a fucking Hurricane.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT BULLSHIT A FUCKING SMART CAR!!!” Screamed Dizzy in complete Disbelief and Total Disgust.

Stay Tuned For Next Weeks Insanely Baffling Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (48/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

A Bedtime Story For Adults Only

This Little Diddy was brought to My Attention by My Brother’s Good Friend Paul a few Days ago. As I mentioned My brother was in Town and He invited a Few of His Friends Along with Him. Some of the People where a My Brother’s High School Partner in Crime Ethan and His Wife who just had Their first Baby just 4 Months prior to the Trip.

The thing that Truly Sucks about Your Friends having Kids is on One Hand You’re obviously Psyched as Hell for Them as becoming Parents is an Awe Inspiring Life Changing Event. Not to mention in loo of the Anxiety of Bring a New Life into the World They’re Happy as All Get Out about experiencing the Miracle of Birth First fucking Hand.

The Flip Side of the Coin is it makes Hanging Out difficult and Rather Boring as EVERYTHING They will talk about is fucking Baby Related. There’s the Baby’s Sleep Schedule, Feeding Schedule, Baby Gear, Baby Books/Articles, Baby Development, Baby Health Issues, Baby Blogs/Vlogs, Baby Achievements (such as Rolling the fuck Over for example), and EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEIR STORIES IS ABOUT THE GODDAMN KID.

So Everyone was mingling around on the Front Porch just Killing Time and the Talk (as it does 98% of the time when hanging with New Parents) quickly turned to Their Baby and Baby Shit in General. Thats when Paul busted this Little Bit of Sunshine to Brighten Our Day. It Served as a Small Reminder that Not Everything about Being Parents is Boasting about Their Baby. Babies are Cute but They can Drive You to the Point of Actual Madness. The Trick I’m Told is Surviving the First 3 Months which are HELL AND A HALF, but if You can Keep Enough of Your Sanity in Tact after the Initial 90 Days Your quality of Life Greatly Improves.

The following Video is the Story Go The Fuck To Sleep by Author Adam Mansbach, Illistrated by Ricardo Cortes, and Read by No Other than Mr. Samuel L. Jackson.

Warning: The Following Video Contains Strong Language and Excessive Use of the “F” Word that Some Viewers May Find Offensive!

Enjoy.

We Hope You Enjoyed Tonight’s Bedtime Tale as Much as We Do.

Thanks for Reading/Viewing/Listening,

Presented by Les Sober