Tag: bad day

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (59/365)

The Bus Driver Slammed on the Break causing the Bus to Lunge Forward sending all of the Passengers falling forward all over one another. It reminded Lee of the World’s Most Fucked Up Domino Display Toppling Over. The Passengers pushed and shoved like a Bunch of Rabid Savages as They Untangled Themselves and returned to Their Feet once again. The Driver Threw Open the Bus Doors and the Passengers came flooding out like water through a Busted Dam into the empty Parking lot.

As Soon as Everyone was off the Bus the Asian Gamblers regroup and started talking frantically before They all took off Running like Their asses where on Fire. The Bus Driver yelled after Them to get back over by the Bus because leaving the Scene of an Accident is in itself a Crime. The Bus Driver’s words fell on Deaf Ears as The Group of Asian Gamblers continued to sprint off into the Distance like Their lives Depended on it.

“Where the fuck are They Going?” asked Dizzy confusedly as He peered around like a Methed up Meerkat.

“If I had to venture a Guess it’s because They’re afraid of Immigration or the Simply Fact They’re engauging in Illegal Gambling on Illegal Cock Fights.” snapped the Bus Driver irritably as He waited on hold with 911.

“That and They smelled like fucking Opium.” added Lee snidely since He resented the Bus Driver’s Attitude. He didn’t exactly know Why, but for some Reason it was Rubbing Him the Wrong Way. It was in all probability  just due to His Overall Frustration having found Himself in the Middle of a Grade 5 Hurricane  Sized Shit Storm.

           

“Hello 911 My name is Gus Gentry and I’m a Bus Driver for the City,” announced the Bus Driver Forcefully as He paced Back and Forth like a Caged Animal, “I got an Emergency and Need Immediate Assistance. What kind of Emergency? Every Kind You Got! I need an Ambulance, a Coroner, and some fucking Police Officers.”

As Lee eavesdropping on the Bus Driver’s Phone Call He peered around surveying the Scene laid out before Him in the Parking Lot. The Priest Dizzy had Assaulted was still Bleeding like a Stuck Pig as He attended to the Severely Injured Homeless Drunk. The Homeless Drunk was Laying on the Ground with His back up against the Curb Wailing like a fucking Banshee in Heat. The Priest had knelt down on one Knee and was Manically Praying Over Him in Hushed Tones rocking back and forth as He did So.

The Middle Aged Woman who the Homeless Drunk had Vomit Upon was Standing by a Defunct Lamp Post shaking like a goddamn leaf. This however didn’t stop Her from Launching into a Tirade about The Situation at Hand and Her Personal Predicament. In Front of Her was the Young Couple who looked shaken to Their Core and were staring Blankly into the Distance Obviously in a great Deal Shock. Lee left Dizzy’s side and wondered over closer to where the Woman was Standing to Observe the Insanity Close Up.

           

“I mean the Man Vomited on Me, and IN PUBLIC! A Man who Vomits publicly on a Woman is Not a Gentleman He’s a down right Abomination upon Humanity Itself,” said the Woman as if She was Preaching a Sermon in Church and waving Her Arms about like Epileptic Eels, “I have never been subjugated to such Degradation and Deviance in MY LIFE I tell You, and If My Husband was Alive He would have Slapped some Sense and common Decency Into Him. He’d have rolled up His Sleeves, taken off His Wedding Ring, Loosened His Tie, and given that Homeless Drunkard an Honest Ass Kicking!”

Lee found it fascinating Entertaining that the Woman spoke as if She was under the Impression it was 1922, and Chivalry wasn’t Dead as a fucking Door Nail. The Young Couple Meanwhile remained in a Post Traumatic Haze, all the Blood having Drained from Their Deathly White Faces, and Looked as if They would Collapse into a Heap at a moments Notice. Lee couldn’t Help but think that the Young Couple compared to the Businessman who was Actually Dead where the One’s Who in Fact Looked like Death Warmed Over. It was then Lee Noticed the Traumatized Bus Bunny sitting on the Curb Legs Splayed Open, Arms Flung About, Head Cocked to one Side, and Babbling incoherently. Lee walked over and decided to take a seat next to Her on the Curb.

“I Never…I Never…Never fucked a Guy to Death Before,” whispered the Bus Bunny aloud without even acknowledging Lee’s Presence, “I din’t know He was dying who Dies when They’re fucking? I didn’t know My shit was Sucking His Soul Out through His Pecker. My Muff is a Murderer.”

           

Lee got up as He had no Interest in Listing to Nonsensical Drivel so He returned to His Spot standing Next to Dizzy. Dizzy Seemed Greatly agitated He couldn’t stop fidgeting as He constantly shifted His Weight from Foot to Foot like a Nervous Prey Animal when They Know a Predator is Near. He was coated in a Clear Sheen of Sweat and His Eyes Darted about like a Hummingbird. Lee was perplexed by Dizzy’s current behavior as Dizzy didn’t seem like the Type of Person that let Never Let a Goddamn thing get to Them. Dizzy kept looking over obsessively towards Not just the Road but the Entrance to the Parking Lot as Well which reminded Lee of a Junkie on the Verge of Being Dope Sick watching Cars to see if can Spot Their Dealer coming with Their next Fix.

“What the fuck is Wrong with You Man You’re coming fucking Unglued,” commented Lee with a hint of Honest Concern, “This is undoubtedly a Royal Class A Cluster Fuck, But Hey it’s also great Free Entertainment so Why Not stay a While and see How it Ends?”

“Because I fucking Broke My Beer Bottle over a fucking Priest’s fucking Head, and He’s Bleeding like a Son of a Bitch,”replied Dizzy with a good deal of Contempt,”I don’t know about You Man, But I got Plenty of Better shit to do Today then to get fucking Arrested and Charged with Aggravated fucking Assault Goddamn it All to Hell!”

           

“Well We better have a fucking Plan B because the Cops beat Us Here Before We could get the fuck Out of Here,” said Lee as He watched Several Police Cruisers come Driving in like They were NASCAR Drivers.

“FUCK! FUCK ME! FUCK MY FUCKING LIFE! WHAT THE FUCK,” screamed Dizzy in a Panicked Rage, “What the Fuck Already I’m so fucked I’m going to fucking County Again Goddamnit.”

“Hold On Don’t worry just Yet,” advised Lee calmly, “With all the fucking Chaos We’ll blend in and then We can slip on Out when The Cops are Busy with all These Insane Fuckers.”

“Alright thats not the World’s Shittiest Idea.”Replied Dizzy as He did His Best to get His shit together and Maintain.

           

The Cops pulled up Their Brakes Screeching to High Heaven as The Charged in like it was World War III or some sort of National fucking Disaster was occurring. The Cops Piled Out of Their cars with Their hands on Their Guns and wearing Their Best Authoritative Faces. Some Police Officers rounded Everyone Up into a Small Group in Front of the Bus while a Couple Went over to Evaluate the Injured Priest and the Wounded Homeless Drunk. The Middle Aged Woman being a Shitty Snob immediately took center stage, and launched into a Full Blown “Poor Me” Victim Spiel worthy of a fucking Oscar. A Few of the Officers broke off to Handle the Fighting Roosters that were still Raising Hell inside of the Bus. The Police Officers Boarded the Bus and were Attacked Mercilessly by the Roosters as They Flapped Around trying to Claw out the Officers Eyes. This was all the Police Needed to Use Deadly Force, and The Officers on the Bus drew Their Weapons and Unloaded Clip after Clip into the Flock of Furious Foul. The Gun Shots continued until Every Raging Rooster Lay Dead Riddled with Bullets.

As The Barrage of Gunfire on the Bus was in Full fucking Swing an Ambulance came and the EMTS were tending to the two Injured Men. The Wiped as much Blood as possibly off the Priests Head before Bandaging it to the Point it looked like They were attempting to Mummify Him. One EMT escorted the Still Frantically Praying Priest over to the Ambulance. The Other EMT turn His Attention to the Homeless Drunk who ended up on a Stretcher with a Free Ride to the Nearest Hospital’s ICU.

     

The last to Arrive was the City Coroner who seemed to be in No Rush at all since where the fuck was the Dead Guy gonna go?! They touched base with the Police Officers before They Boarded the Bus. As soon as They did the Lead Coroner started Bitching Loudly about the Rooster Massacre He had to wade Through to do His Job. That was until He reached the Deceased Businessman’s Corpse then He really flipped he fuck out Big Time. Lee couldn’t make out the Words as They were muffled by the Confines of the Bus, but He could tell by Tone exactly how the Coroners Felt about the situation. After a Healthy Dose of Venting the Lead Coroner stuck His head out the Bus Door and looked around until He spotted His Subordinate.

“HEY PHIL,” the Lead Coroner Bellowed, “This Stiff is so covered in Bodily Fluid I’m talking Blood, Spit, Vomit, Piss, Shit and Semen WE don’t need a Body Bag We Need a Goddamn Body Condom for this Guy.”

Stay Tuned for the Next Unsettling Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (60/365)

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

We’ll Make Great Pets? By Spacedog

The first half of my day yesterday was complete garbage. It consisted of sitting in traffic for an hour, getting two different credit cards declined (special shout out to Wawa and Boscovs), sitting in traffic for 2 hours and contemplating peeing my pants because I had a towel to sit on and was on my way home.

As void of intrigue and drama as I tend to be, I chose against peeing myself. This isn’t about pee though. I mean it felt absolutely amazing to do so at that point but that being the highlight of my mediocre day was not quite mediocre enough yet. I decided to do one of the most boring things that the era of the Internet has ever bought upon us. I decided to clean out my e-mail.

Now I have way too many e-mails. I know of 7 different accounts, but there probably exist a multitude of others at very dead sites. AOL, Yahoo, Juno, Hotmail, Myspace. I’d rather not read the ancient e-mails I sent in my 20s or from the dawn of time (the 90s) because well I mostly sit and think who the fuck was that guy.

So I decided to actually open up an e-mail from a random social media site called Hi5. It is not the greatest site but not the worst unless you take into account the people they tell you to speak converse with. I would show my last recommendations but just imagine a cohabitation of meth users, the morbidly obese, and people who look like an attractive young man but sadly the picture is clearly on 1970s quality film.

There is one bizarre thing this site does have. I really have never seen anything quite like it. While Facebook has (or had?) pokes, the gays have their woofs, every site has likes and Myspace has ghosts Hi5 has pets. What is the point of pets? I haven’t the slightest idea. I bought my first pet about six years ago in that time period when Myspace just died and your mom wasn’t quite on Facebook yet.

Every member is up for sale with virtual cash. I don’t know if I started with it or watched a video or two or to earn more but I just started buying cute guys. I wanted a decent amount from each country to diversify I suppose. It was basically just a bunch of clicking and clicking and clicking and I grew tired of it rather quickly.

The entire site as a matter of fact. It is like the Craigslist of social media, an odd blend of when MySpace was legit, old school AOL and creepy guys that lurk in oversized vans. The pet thing made me take the opposite approach though when I got unwanted attention. I would just buy people instead of block them.

And oh I bought them. The straights, the gays, the ladies, I even bought myself a big boned lady with a great big retard smile. I only wasted maybe 2 hours of my life doing this in total of my entire life. I really wonder though what was the point of all of this? I was owned by some lady (or man pretending to be a model, this lady was unreal looking Brazilian goddess). There were many messages of I love you and I love my pets on my page over the past few years which only make me laugh my ass off. I mean I like love and all, who really doesn’t when it comes to it, but this woman took the pet thing all too seriously.

I mean I could message all these pets of mine or meme them to death, but I feel more connected to the people I met on a Greyhound bus 15 years ago, despite not having talked to them in 15 years. I’m clicking on links right now but I am not even really sure why. I could be eating, exercising, masturbating, actually texting more then one person, actually paying attention to my TV or my music which are inexplicably both on for some reason.

I mean I guess it could have been worse. I could have bought only blacks and dreamed of my past life on a plantation but I’m Polish and the only black things we’ve ever owned are prune babkas. I could be a peddler of midgets. This seems like a fantastic type of journey I suppose, except I can’t search for people by height and would probably have to click no about 1,000 times to find one midget let alone an armada of midgets.

I could collect the deformed. I’m pretty sure this would involve way less clicking but since you are the company you keep I would just be the product of looking at ugly people, become incredibly hideous, and 400 pounds while clicking faster then any sized person barring maybe a handful of Korean Starcraft players.

Long story, long… this shit is weird as fuck. In some virtual reality type mall where I could see these people it would be funny to go up and buy people in a window but frankly I’d buy someone naked. So rest assured, I know too will get naked and become one with the night.

If you want to check out these oddities for yourself, head over to hi5.com. Check out the meager selection from the dating pool, the dead accounts, and waste an hour or so buying some pets. I can promise they won’t give you rabies over your connection, but carpal tunnel may be in your future if you happen to be riding the tsunami of boredom.