Mixology is a truly annoying Hipster Fueled Trend that seems to have no end, at least not in sight. One of the things that irritates me about Mixology is its pretentious bullshit attitude, and its revamping Old School or Cheap Shit Drinks with a High Class Upgrade (usually fresh exotic ingredients, a bottle of Bitters, some Muddling, Majestic Mixers, and Perhaps Smoke or a Little Fire bullshit Fanfare)
These cheap tricks come with a egotistically driven upscale cost of $18-22 for just a single drink. I don’t know about you but when I walk into a Bar I want a stiff drink not a drawn out pretentious as hell Circus De Olay drink making (oh fucking sorry they call it “Assembling” or “Constructing” as in Assembling/Constructing a Drink as opposed to Making a Drink) performance art piece of shit put on by some 1920’s dressed throwback Lumberjack looking Hipster Over Styled Pompous Mixologist.
The latest Abomination in Alcohol perpetrated by Mixology is the New Trend of Cocktails referred to as Beertails. Now giving credit where credit is due Mixology has a much more Tried and True formula for constructing Their version of a Beertail.
What I mean is that they’re more of what you would expect a Beertail is when try and picture it in your mind for the first time.
Mixology Beertails are legitimate Cocktails that is their principle ingredient is LIQUOR, then there are the Mixers such as Bitters or some Aromatic bullshit, AND THEN IT’S TOPPED OFF with a Bit of Beer.
When it comes to the ORIGINAL Beertail(s) Well thats a Horse of a completely different color I assure you. Lets take a look further shall we yes lets.
Now the origin of the Original Beertail is sort of a Who came first the Chicken or the Egg situation. See there were until very recently only 2 places one would or could find a Beertail.
One was in a 22-24 ounce can Made By Budweiser (who to their credit did a damn good bit of Advertising considering their concoction was a Laughing Stock since day fucking one) at where ever it is you purchase Alcohol from. l (Geography actually applies here so go High School fucking Science)
Budweiser versions of BeerTails such as:
Grape-A-Rita,
Apple-Ahhh-Rita
Peach-A-Rita
Mango-Rita/ Mang-A-Rita
Coco-Nut-Rita
Cherry-Ahhh-Rita
Berry-A-Rita (Limited Edition)
Raz-Ber-Rita
Lime-A-Rita
Straw-Ber-Rita
Lemon-Ade-Rita
Water-Melon-Rita
Cran-Brrr-Rita (With or Without Lime)
Pine-Apple-Rita
Consisted of 2 simple ingredients. 1st being Beer the 2nd being the Cheap Mass Produced Artificial as Fuck Flavored Icy Slush.
Budweiser took a good bit of shit over this line of product BUT their still making and selling it so bottomline SOMEONE and quite a few SOMEONES are buying them thus keeping them on the market.
Budweiser’s Beer-A-Rita’s were written off by most members of the general public as yes a fucking joke, not to mention disgusting tasting. They were considered Collage Material a staple of Frats/Societies across the Nation.
Others busted Budweiser’s balls by referring to Beer-A-Ritas as the number one cocktail choice of White Trash, The Only Alcohol you can buy with Food Stamps, For White Trash Wedding, Voted the number one drink in Trailer Parks across America, and other shit like that.
The Second place you could partake of an Original Beertails was in off the Beaten Path, Out in the Woods/Sticks/Boonies, the Path less Followed type of Tiny Towns. These small out of the way towns have some odd rules pertaining to Alcohol.
Mainly it the Rule that a Bar can Sell Wine and Beer ONLY, NO LIQUOR NOT EVEN A SINGLE AIRPLANE BOTTLE, NOT A SINGLE SHOT IN THE ENTIRE ESTABLISHMENT.
The second odd and annoying Rule is there are also NO LIQUER STORES or PLACES YOU CAN PURCHASE BEER or WINE. Remember the Geography comment well here is where it applies most here.
In some places you have to buy Beer and Liquor SEPARATELY meaning you have to drive to 2 different stores. Some places still bar the Sale of Alcohol on Sundays, and some places you can Buy Wine/Beer at Grocery Stores, Gas Stations, Convince Stores pretty much everywhere, and so on.
So to adapt to these ridiculous limitations these Tiny Town’s Bars came up with the idea of mixing a 12 ounce beer (Ironically Budweiser was a top pick), and some of the aforementioned Cheap, Nasty, Artificial as Fuck Flavored Icy Slush. They chose Margarita mix and called it the Beer-Rita. They also chose Bloody Mary Mix creating the Beery Mary.
The Bottomline being here Beertails/Beer-Ritas were Beer and Cheap Frozen Drink Mix, and One of the WORST IDEAS IN ALCHOL THATS EVER BEEN THOUGHT UP.
Granted now there is a grey area. During the transition from a fucking Joke Drink into today’s Mixology’s version there was a sub sect of Beertails that made the MOST SENSE to me in the “By Definition” perspective.
Here are just a few:
The Beerita (no Hyphen here) is 7 ounces of Beer, Margarita Mix, and Lime Wedge for Garnish.
The Dirty Flower- Wheat Beer mixed with Fruit Punch
Chelada- Beer, Hint of Lime, and Clamato (You may have also seen Budweisers version of this additional failure still lurking around though rare.)
Chelada Version 2- Light Beer mixed with Lime Juice
Bul- Light Beer mixed with Ginger Ale
Black Velvet- 1/2 Guinness Beer 1/2 Champagne
Snake Bite- 1/2 a Lagar Beer and 1/2 Hard Cider
Radler- 1/2 Lagar Beer and 1/2 Grape Fruit SOD
As you can see the first transitional versions of Beertails were elevated a bit but still a bit of a Novelty Joke. In The End god knows where the hell the bitter tail of the Beertail will eventually come to its demise, but if I’m still drinking then I’ll be there.
Thanks for Reading,
By Les Sober
Les Sober & FYB 