Black Comedy – Page 2

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher ( 50/365)

“Well I do’t know about You, but I haven’t Eaten shit all goddamn day so I’d kill someone for a fucking Burger about now.” said Lee hoping the mention of Food would keep Dizzy’s Eyes on the Prize as it were.

Dizzy Who looked poised to Pounce on the Poor Misguided Ride Driver, and Gauge out the Driver’s Eye’s with His fucking thumbs. Then Dizzy sudden snapped back to Reality and darted into the Hotel Lobby like a Jack Rabbit with Its ass on Fire. Not a moment later Lee and the Driver who were left standing outside on the Sidewalk like a Bunch of assholes heard a commotion. It was loud enough for both of Them to hear, but it was still too distorted to make out what was being said. Whatever the Altercation was going on inside it was getting desernably Louder to the point Lee was beginning to wonder if He should see what was going on out of growing Concern.

Luckily before Lee had to take any sort of Action Dizzy reemerged carrying a Generic Toy Store Skateboard under His Arm and looking a bit Sweaty. Dizzy walked past Lee without saying a single word as He made His way to the back of the Smart Car. Once Dizzy reached the rear of the Car He stood there Transfixed in a Steely Stare glaring At the Rear Bumper. Dizzy appeared to be stuck in-between Deep Though and Overwhelming Anger as His face twisted and contorted while He was thinking silently to Himself.

“What are You doing Sir.” asked the Driver with a snide smile stretched across His face like Someone Who had One too Many fucking Facelifts.

“The fucking Bumper. I’m looking at the bumper OBVIOUSLY. The problem is this Outlandish excuse for a Car has a MINUSCULE fucking Bumper which I guess should be No fucking Surprise considering its Size is the Issue.” snarled Dizzy spitefully not even bothering to glance in the Driver’s Direct.

“What is the Skateboard for Exactly?” ask the Driver like a Cat playing with a Mouse before it Kills it.

“I was planning on fucking Riding the fucking thing while I hung on to the Bumper which apparently doesn’t fucking Exist.” replied Dizzy still half lost in Thought.

“I have to Inform You Both that Ride has a Strict No Bullshit Policy, and riding behind the Car on a Skateboard falls smack dab in the Middle of said Policy. That means I simply can not allow You or any Customer to engage in Illegal and Potentially Harmful or Fatal Activities that put Them, The Company, and Others in Harms Way.” chirped The Driver Triumphantly Grinning Ear to Ear as if He had somehow achieved a Checkmate situation.

“Well The Car is Far Beyond Insufficient it’s Thoroughly FUCKED! The Bumper is Fucked, This Situation is DEFINITELY fucked, and Most of All YOUR a Totally Fucked Human Being!!! So I’m declaring a Citizens Enactment of The Transportation Department Marshal Law Act motherfucker! This Empowers Me to set up Unconventional Answers to Unorthodox Issues, and with that said I’ll just hang the hell onto this Piece of Electric Uselessness’s rear Windshield Wiper. That’ll have to Work.” announced Dizzy defiantly with a Renewed Sense of Vigor.

“Absolutely Not didn’t You hear what I just Said regarding Company Policy?!!” demanded the Driver as He twitched with annoyance like a freshly crushed Insect.

“Yes I’m Not DEAF YOU ASSFACED DONKEY!! I have No Choice in the Matter and Neither DO YOU Dipshit. It is what it is so fuck it. Now let’s get fucking Going already We’ve wasted 45 fucking minutes of My Life already You belligerent Asshole.” answered Dizzy standing Toe to Toe Eye and Eye to Eye with the Driver though the Driver was significantly Smaller when it came to Physical Stature so Dizzy had a sort of Loomed over Him.

“Fine! Fine! You win I can’t stand here idly arguing with You any longer so let’s Go.” quipped the Driver exacerbated to the Umpteenth degree, and well aware that He would Most Definitely Lose in an any sort of Fight Scenario.

The Driver and Lee loaded Up into the Extremely cramped Confines of the Smart Car while Dizzy stood Stubbornly on the Cheap Children’s Skateboard grabbing onto the Rear Windshield Wiper like He was attempting to Strangle it to Death. Lee paused for a split second to thats fucking God that HE wasn’t Claustrophobic because He was pretty sure if He did He’d be back behind the Car with Dizzy for Crying Out Loud. The Car started with a Low and rather Pleasant Low Hum and They were Off.

Stay Tuned for the Next Invigorating Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (51/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

A Short Story With -No Working Title-

Once Upon a Time in the Small Village of Fuckery in the Province of Whorebitch lived a truly lovely Couple Kunt & Kunty Twat or The Twats as They were known in the Village.

Today was a Dark Day in the Twat Household as Their beloved and bit of an asshole Cat Mrs. Pickle Tits had in fact gone Tits Up during the Night. The Twats took the passing of Their cherished Feline especially hard since The Twats had always wanted to have Kids. Mrs. Twat had in deed gotten Pregnant Once.

The Night that She gave Birth having Eaten an Exorbitant amount of Canned Curry She thought Her Labor Pains were just a wicked case of Gaseous Indigestion and paid it No Mind.

After a Serious Bout of Busting Ass Mrs. Twat staggered to the near by Bathroom to Vacate Her batshit Bowels. In all the confusion of Mrs. Twat transforming into a one Woman Curry Fueled Shitnado had failed to realize She had in fact given Birth at all. Mrs. Twat never having given Birth before simply Didn’t Know what it felt like. Once Mrs. Twat had Flushed the Toilet, and stood up She turned around (to take a sneak peek of Poop) just in time to see a Tiny Pair of Flailing Legs get Sucked Down the Drain.

(DO NOT FEAR DEAR READERS The Baby LIVED!!! We will See The Baby AGAIN SOON!!! It’s Called Foreshadowing for Fuck’s Sake.)

So instead of trying to Bang Out another Baby The Twats decided to just get a Cat, and named it Mrs. Pickle Tits in Honor of Mr. Twats’s Dead Mother. Any Way Mrs. Pickle Tits had a Very Long and Illustrious Life of 27 Years, 27 Days to be exact with the Twats.

Mr. Twat as Per Mrs. Pickle Tit’s Last Will and Testament had Her Cremated, but having No Local Vet to help arrange the Cremation Mr. Twat preformed the Cremation by Himself in the Back Yard. Mr. Twat Removed the Grill from the BBQ, stacked a series of Logs in said BBQ, Placed Mrs. Pickle Tits on Top, Doused the entire thing in Highly Flammable Fluid, and Lit the son of a bitch up like the fucking Hindenburg. After 12 hours at a steady 2,700 Degrees Mrs. Pickle Tits was reduced to nothing but Ashes which Mr. Twat collected and placed in a Zip Lock Sandwich Baggie.

All that was Left now was for the Forlorn Twats to take the Long walk on the Cockstone Cobbled Medieval Road that ran through the Town that Ended when it reached Mrs. Pickle Tit’s Beloved Open Bluffs. The Twats had a feeble Breakfast since They were in Morning before Mr. Twat put Mrs. Pickle Tits’s Ashes in His Pocket, and the Couple Headed Out to the Bluffs.

As The Couple Walked They passed by Many of the Villages Businesses and Shops that lined either side of the Ancient Village Lanes. There was Highball Haberdashery run by long time Friend of the Family Harry Balls, and there was Crotch Meats the Villages Butcher.

As The Twats walked farther On They Passed the Volunteer Non Profit “Mammograms for My Mammy!” Van parked on the Street giving Free Mammograms to any Villager who wanted One. Its true Once Village Resident Dick Fart had had one two many Pints down at the Villages finest (and only) Drinking Establishment The Rigorous Pig. Proprietor and Sole Bartender of the Rigorous Pig Leland Lush’s family had been running for 17 Generations.

Well After Wild Night of Binge Drinking at The Pig (as The Locals Referred to the Pub) Dick Fart had really got a hell of a Drunk On as He really tied His Tits in Two that Particular Evening. Finally Leland cut Dick Off once and For all that Night He wondered onto the MMM Van and Drunkenly Demanded a Mammogram. So to Oblige The Drunk and Confused Mr. Fart the Technicians preformed a Mammogram using Mr. Phart’s Testicles in Lou of Breasts.

A few minutes into Their walk the Twats reached the Village’s Central Town Square where the Elderly Women of the Village spent Their Days sitting in the Sun Gossiping and Airing Out Their Crotches with the assistance of a Hand Fans. Mrs. Twat just so happened to see Her dearest Friend Clitoris Coitus or Clitty as She was known in the Village sitting on in the Square Lazily fanning Her Crotch and bitching about Baking.

“Hello Clitty How are You Today?” Asked Mrs. Twat Politely in Passing.

“Oh Tis’ a dick of a Day so may as well fuck it.” responded Clitty crankily as the intensifying Heat of Summer had left Her Stink Ditch especially Sweaty.

“Ah Yes, Yes. Well We are off to Sprinkle Mrs. Pickle Tits’s Ashes over the Ocean from the Bluffs.” said Mrs. Twat who had become custom to ignoring Clitty’s obscene Life Lessons as the Couple resumed Their Walk to the Bluffs with Mrs. Pickle Tits’s Ashes in Tow.

The Twats had reached the Outskirts of the Village where the Octopus Processing Plant was located. You see Fuckery is the Number One Suppler of the World’s Octopus Spreed which was a delight among Fans of Appetizers. Outside of the Processing Plant stood Jarvis Jerkoff (real last name Jeroff, but because He was know to be an asshole of a Human Being The Villager’s reverted to calling Him Jerkoff instead) apparently pulling Crabs out of His ample Forrest of Pubic Hair. As The Twats passed by never taking Their eyes off the Odd Sexual Grooming underway by Jerkoff.

At one Point Jerkoff took notice of the Couple strolling by, and Glared with utter contempt at Them.

“You wanna save some Crabs for Your Dastardly Dinner You Pickled Pair of Pricks?!” Snarled Jerkoff seething with Disgust.

It was bad enough The Twats had just lost Their Precious Pet, but now having to take shit from Jerkoff the Village Jerk Off was too much for Mr. Twat to bare. What Jerkoff didn’t know was Mr. Twat was ExMilitary having Served 17 Years in the Queen’s Army, and so He was trained in all varieties of Combat. Mr. Twat without saying a thing, without uttering a single Syllable kicked Jerkoff squarely in His crooked cock which Mr. Twat followed up with then pulling Jerkoff’s pimply Scrotum up over His head.

Jerkoff completely blinded by His severely stretched out ball bag, and in a good amount of Pain from the Kick putting a King Sized Kink in His cock as well staggered around like a Drunken Zombie. Mr. Twat then proceeded to Grab Jerkoff and flip Him Ass over Elbows while holding Him around the waist, and before Poor Old Jerkoff knew what Hit Him Mr. Twat executed a flawless Text Book Pile Driver upon the already Hurt and Humiliated Jerkoff.

The incredible impact from the Pile Driver sent a Geyser of Violent Diarrhea Pungent Smelling Piss, and a fucked up Fountain of Jizz to explode forth from Mr. Jerkoff up to Eight Feet in the Air. The Twats continued on leaving the Unconscious Jarvis Jerkoff lying in a Pool of His own assorted Bodily Fluids.

Once the Twats had arrived at Their destination Mr. Twat removed the plastic sandwich Baggie containing Mrs. Pickle Tits’s Ashes as the Two prepared for the Final Farewell. Just as the Twats were almost finished Praying and were about to cast Mrs. Pickle Tits’s Ashes out over the Ocean They heard a noise. The noise was coming from the Cliff that rose a staggering 1,200 feet above the Ocean to form the exact Bluff They were standing on.

All of a sudden a Large, Webbed hand appeared over the Cliff Line followed by yet Another. The Two webbed Hands took hold of the Earth and with great effort and skill hoisted the rest of the Individual’s body up from the Cliff Face onto the Bluff itself. The Twats found Themselves staring in totally disbelief directly at a Real Life Merman sitting now before Them.

“It is I Otto AquaPoon Your Long Lost Son that was accidentally flushed down the Toilet into the Open Ocean. There a Clan of Merpeople found Me Floating Aimlessly on the Waves, and took Me in as One of Their Own.” announced The Merman with Gusto.

“Well it’s nice to see aside from the Dreadful Accident things worked out well for You Son.” said Mrs. Twat still in the Throws of Shock and Awe.

“You look to be a Fine Strapping Young Man outside of being Half Fish.” pointed out Mr. Twat doing the best He could to keep His shit together.

“IT IS NO ACCIDENT that TODAY I have returned to find You here. I’ve been watching You from the Wake and I Know Your here because your Dear Kitty Mrs. Pickle Tits has met Her demise. I am here to give Her the one thing You never gave me a Happy Existence.” said Otto Aquapoon confidently in a somewhat Ominous Tone.

Aquapoon snatched Mrs. Pickle Tits’s Ashes from His Father and regurgitated a healthy amount of Ocean Water into the Sandwich Baggie containing the Dead Cat’s Ashes. He took a minute to insure the ashes and Open water had thoroughly mixed before removing the Now Clay life Contents and sculpting an exact replica of Mrs. Pickle Tits. Once the Sculpture was complete Poontangler forcefully removed one of His Merman Scales, ground it up in His hands, and using a Reed like a Straw Blew the ground Up Merscale directly up Mrs. Pickle Tits’s ass.

Mrs. Pickle Tits immediately sprung back to Life completely Healthy and Happy. The Twats couldn’t believe the Resurrection of Their moments ago Deceased Cat. Before the Twats could even begin to comprehend what the hell had just taken place Poontangler dressed Them once again.

“Your Cat had Returned to You as I Promised. Now Father got Home and Shit Yourself Sane. Mother I want You to go Home as well Before I have to Slap You Sane.” summarized Poontangler who at the end of His sentence dove Back into the Briny Deep Never to be Seen Again.

The Befuddled Twats took Mrs. Pickle Tits Home with Them where They had a Cup of Tea, a Shot of Brandy, and then Went to Bed.

(What I told You the Kid DIDN’T DIE, and that We’d SEE HIM AGAIN SOOn. I didn’t say it be a Happy ass Hallmark Ending did I?! No I Didn’t.)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (26/365)

As it turned out The Dueling Ted Nugents clashing in a Inflatable Kiddie Pool filled with Spam turned out to be quite Anticlimactic. As instead of flat out Brawling the Two Teds were having a choreographed Fight which looked to be a Hybrid of Professional Wrestling and Kung Fu. To make it suck even worse They were fighting in a Slow Motion Matrix Style Rip Off.

Lee couldn’t tolerate the Slow Motion Slaughterfest in Spam a moment longer so He opted to take a leak. Lee descended the Stair case back into the Dismal Lobby where He searched for the Restroom Door. Lee located it at last over on the Far Wall past the crappy Concession Stand.

Once Lee reached the Restroom Door He pushed it open only to discover it didn’t lead to an actual Bathroom, But to the Cramped Trash Packed Ally next to the Theater. Lee figured when in Rome (or an Ally in Rome in this Case), and walked over to the nearest Dumpster. Lee was being extremely cautious no to step on any of the Garbage that was strewn about the Ally. The last fucking thing Lee needed was to catch Hepatitis or Herpies in addition to witnessing this ridiculous Performance Art absurdity.

Lee went back into the Theater and returned to His seat. Once seated Lee noticed the Two Teds had vacated the Stage, and the Next Act was now on Stage. Thank fuck thought Lee taking a piss had been the perfect way to avoid anymore Spam induced Shit. On Stage there was a Man who looked to be in His fifties suffering from a classic case of Male Pattern Baldness leaving His remaining hair looking like a Common Clown Wig.

He was Shirtless and Lee was truly dumbfounded by how much fucking Body Hair this Guy had. There was so much hair that it looked to Lee like this Guy had missed a step or two in the Evolutionary Process. Serious Lee thought this Guy must be the Subject of a ton of Bigfoot Sightings, and the Unknowing Star of hundreds of Sensational Bigfoot Captured on Film Videos. Lee figured that a real live Specimen of a Bigfoot is essentially a Cryptozoologist’s Wet Dream come True.

The Man who too Lee’s disappointment was wearing a pair of Kaki Slacks instead of say Shorts or possibly a swim suit who fucking knew in a Venue like this One Lee found Himself in currently. The Man on Stage also had on a Pair of Black Dress Shoes so Lee couldn’t see how Big win fact this dudes feet were, and couldn’t help wondering if the Black Shoes were intentional to hide perhaps this Guys Big Feet?!

The an went over to the Side of the Stage to retrieve a couple of Saw Horses, a 2 by 4, a 5 pound Hand Held Sledge Hammer, and a Nail that honestly could have been a fucking Railroad Tie. The Man set up the Saw Horses about 4 feet apart and then He places the 2 by 4 across them like a Balance Beam. The Man then took the Nail and Put it in His mouth Sideways Biting Down on it Gingerly. He perched the Hammer balancing it precariously at the far right end of the 2 by 4.

Once the Performer Guy had his Set Up as situated He nonchalantly took His pants off folding them delicately before placing them at His feet. Again to Lee’s dismay The Guy managed to remove His pants OVER his Shoes depriving Lee of yet another curious glance at the size of His feet.

The Man then pulled His Boxer Shorts down to His ankles in one fluid motion, Stood Up, Plopped His Flaccid Penis onto the 2 by 4 in front of Him, Took the Nail out of His Mouth with His left Hand, Picked up the Hammer with the Right, and the Blurted out “I GIVE YOU…THE CIRCUMCISION OF CHRIST.” before holding up both the Hammer and Nail in outstretched Arms in a Crucifix Pose.

Stay Tuned Kiddies for Tomorrows Harrowing Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (27/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (3/365)

Along the way as Porn Shops became Cleaner, Safer, and more Socially Acceptable Their availability to the Public became Greater. Porn Shops now could operate Out in the Open giving Them a much more viable and visible presence in the Community so to speak.

Back in the Old Days One had only one of two options when it came to visiting a Porn Shop. Now first off in BOTH scenarios the Trips are made at Night as even the most Hardcore Porno Fans wouldn’t venture out in Daylight to visit a Porn Shop. It was totally out of the Question because You always ran the risk of Someone You knew seeing You, and back then that was a huge fucking deal.

Now You either lived in a City, and had to circumnavigate the Perils of The Trip to the Porn Shop. Since Porn was Persecuted at the time if You went to a Porn Shop You had to stray into a truly shitty Neighborhood. You would have to weave in and out between the Hookers, Junkies, Pimps, Drug Dealers, Muggers, Petty Thieves, Hustlers, Police (who could and most likely would arrest you), and Homeless. And as You did You pass other so called Unsavory Businesses such as Shady Strip Clubs, Porno Movie Theaters, Pawn Shops, Liquor Stores, Abandoned Store Fronts, and Flea Bag Hotels the kind that Rent by the Hour.

That or if You lived in a Rural or Suburban Area You had a serious Drive in front of You if You wanted to pop by Your “Local” Porn Shop. Suburbia is just as bad as if You lived in a Remote Rural Area. Thats due to the Unwritten Rule of No Porn in Places People go to Raise Their Kiddies. Well the Internet fucked that Up for Suburbanite Parents.

Anyway if You lived in the Rural or Suburban setting the Porn Shop would be on Average 45-60 minutes away in the middle of Bumblefuck Nowhere so remote They don’t even have Street Lights. That meant You’d have to drive late at Night Down some long, dark, and winding Country Backroads while worrying about hitting a Deer (or some other Woodland Critter along the way.)

It was identical to how Psychiatry is widely Accepted and Utilized Nowadays by the Members of Society free from the Stigma of the Past where only “Crazy” or “Seriously Disturbed” People saw Shrinks. Porn Shops just like Psychiatry were once Demonized had now come Full Circle, and now instead of be ostracized by Society where now a Welcomed Addition.

Stay Tuned To Tomorrows Installment of Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (4/365)

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Pennington is SO Shitty………

Just to clarify a few things. First Pennington is a real place. I will NOT disclose anymore than that when it comes to its Geographical Location. If anyone thinks it may be an accidental slip that I’m using an actual name of a Place it is Not. If anyone still thinks I might have divulged a piece of Personal Info I welcome those Readers to go Google Pennington. And Good Luck with that.

Pennington falls in the confines of Spacedog and My old stomping ground and as You can see by the title We don’t hold it in high regard. So one night around 2am SpaceDog and I started a Duel Slam Session featuring Pennington as Our subject matter.

Alright the set up is “Pennington is SO Shitty…” followed by an Insult at Pennington’s Expense. It’s Their fault really for being so Ungodly Shitty.

This Post is laid out a bit differently from the previous Text Posts. I will write the set up once at the beginning, and then use Dot Dot Dot (…) so I don’t have to write (and You won’t have to Read) “Pennington is so shitty” god knows how many fucking times.

LASTLY IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED PLEASE READ ANOTHER ONE OF OUR POSTS AND SKIP THIS ONE. You’ll be doing Us BOTH a Favor.

SpaceDog: Holy shit that’s small. Damn shitty ass little Pennington has like 1000 times more people.

Les: True but Pennington is Cunty.

SpaceDog: Pennington…the town so shitty that even Priests say fuck these assholes.

Les: Pennington is so shitty :FBF (a girl both SpaceDog and I knew) wouldn’t have an abortion there…

…Trump wouldn’t grab a pussy there.

…Courtney Love wouldn’t OD there.

SpaceDog: U on a roll LOL. Pennington is so shitty the pull people over for smoking cigarettes in their vehicles. I’m braindead so u get shitty facts from me at this point LOL.

Les: Pennington is so shitty Yen Latch (Yet another Girl both of Us knew who is now a white trash alcoholic) wouldn’t drink there…

… Ivy Savage couldn’t handle it. (Ivy is yes another Female SpaceDog and I have both had the distinct displeasure of knowing who fancied herself the LOCAL HARDCORE PUNK ROCK AUTHORITY)

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty Ivy Savage uses her real name there.

Les: Pennington is so shitty Steve Bannon wouldn’t host a White Nationalist Nazi Rally there.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty aunt becky wouldn’t pay bribes to get her kid into collage there.

Les: LOL You out Ivy’d me. Pennington is so shitty Sarah Sanders WOULD go there.

SpaceDog: Penningto n is so shitty sarah sanders would tell the truth there.

Les: Pennington is so shitty Octomom wouldn’t strip there.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty that if trump wanted to build a wall around it Mexico WOULD pay for it…

…Their official mascot is a suicide victim.

Les: Pennington is so shitty Crack Dealers won’t deal there…

… it makes Wilmington Delaware look like Las Vegas.

… the Residents only Birth Control method needed is the fact they live in Pennington.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty it makes lituspjotaholmaflogur look properly spelled.

Les: Pennington is so shitty Lindsey Graham wouldn’t rape a Farm Animal there.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty micheal jackson doesn’t molest boys there.

Yeah duh late…food coma which never would have happened in Pennington…mostly because people bottom out there.

Pennington is so shitty I’ve never eaten there.

Les: Pennington is so shitty Jeffery Epstein wouldn’t traffic underage Sex Slaves there…

…Crack Whores avoid it like a Police Station.

…You call the Cops there and they tell you to go get fucked.

… It’s Tucker Carlson’s Home Town.

…Fox News won’t broadcast there.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty don jr is moving there.

Les:Pennington is so shitty Fred Phelps wouldn’t be buried there…

… All They Eat is Ass.

SpaceDog:Pennington is so shitty karen carpenter WOULD eat there…

…That all movies depicting suicide are required to play there.

Les: Pennington is so shitty it smells like a fucking manure fire…

…Dogs won’t piss on their Fire Hydrants .

…It’s like living in a massive Port-A-Potty 24 fucking 7.

…”Pennington is so shitty” it’s abbreviated is PISS.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty they’re opening a new kmart there…

…Their idea of a breakfast buffet is a albino midget throwing egg yolks at people.

Les: Pennington is so shitty They use Diarrhea as Lube.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty the only available birth control is thoughts and prayers.

Les: Pennington is so shitty GG Allin wouldn’t play there.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty that mass shooters wind up putting the first bullet in their own heads.

Les: Pennington is so shitty Their idea of Fine Dining is GAs Station Sushi and a Bottle of Maddog 20/20.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty their surf and turf special is someone’s goldfish and a whopper junior.

Les: Pennington is so shitty Their idea of a Vacation is living inTheir Cars at Highway Rest Stops…

…Truckers don’t hook up with the local Lot Lizards.

…No One builds Meth Labs there.

…They’re still listening to Limp Bizkit.

… Their Little League Team is the Pennington Shitheals.

SpaceDog:Pennington is so shitty Dick Minninninninninn (a world class fuckwit We both knew) moved there for a year and left looking like this *Picture of Prolapsed Asshole Sent*…

…Their official yule log is just a giant horse shit.

Les: Well the ugly fucker deserved it the unwiped asshole. Pennington is so shitty it’s the Fruit Cake of Towns…

…Will make You chronically Constipated.

…It’s the Birth Place of IBS.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty even rats won’t live there.

Les: Pennington is so shitty its mascot is a fucking Dung Beatle…

…It’s official Flag is just a Giant Asshole.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty that the only trendy resident there is inflatable…

…Its were vegans go to die.

…it will give you toxic fucking shock syndrome.

Les: Pennington is so shitty Tyler Perry shoots Medea movies there.

…Kid Rock is Their fucking Home Town Hero.

…Their Prom theme was The Solid Waste Authority.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty that steve harvey would be their least fucking annoying resident.

Les: Pennington is so shitty Slumber Hills (a Flea Bag Flop House for Whores and Junkies in SpaceDog and My home town) wouldn’t move there…

…They gave Howie Mandel the Key to the City.

…Dave Coulier Shows Sell Out.

…Scammers from India won’t call there.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty that when oprah shot there her book of the month was just a roll of toilet paper…

…That when bad people die they don’t go to hell they spend fucking eternity in Pennington.

Les: Pennington is so shitty all the Photos hung in Local Business like Restaurants and Laundry Mats are of the Cast of The Jersey Shore…

…Their Hospital is a CVS Minute Clinic.

…It hosts an Annual Hemorrhoid Festival.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty women living there consider being called a cunt a compliment.

Les: Pennington is so shitty They still use AOL…

…It has the Highest concentration of Proctologists in the entire fucking Country.

…North Korea feels bad for it.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty their idea of a terrific fucking tv show is God Friended Me…

…Toilet Paper is considered a luxury item.

Les: Pennington is so shitty when You turn the faucet on Natty Ice Light comes out…

…STDs are afraid They’ll catch something.

SpaceDog: Pennington is so shitty it’s illegal to smoke anything except PCP…

…Bill Cosby gets consent there.

Les: Pennington is so shitty the only Cell Phone Service Provider is fucking Sprint…

…Their Baseball Team is Sponsored by The National Flakka Alliance.

…ISIS wouldn’t send a Suicide Bomber there.

…They take Bath Salts and Eat Their own Faces.

PENNINGTON IS SO SHITTY WE CAN’T TALK SHIT ABOUT IT ANYMORE.

Brought To You By,

Les Sober

SpaceDog

Growing Up & Getting Even

Phil never felt the need to grow up. Thats not to say He wasn’t aware he was going to get old and one day die because Phil was quite aware of this. For His entire childhood Phil had been told that People graduate High School, GoTo Collage, Graduate with a Degree, Get a Job, Get Married, Buy a House, Have Kids, Commit to a Career, Work, Grow old, Retire, and Die shortly there after.

This plan for ones life was absolutely unappealing to Phil. Phil didn’t want to live a Ridged , and Pre Structure Life, Phil was far too Abstract for all that traditional Social Norms Nonsense. Phil was what People refer to as a Free Spirit, a Person Who walked to the Beat of Their Own Drum, and Cut from a Different Cloth. It all inevitably all lead to the fact most Friends/Family of Phil’s all agreed He suffered from a wicked case of Peter Pan Syndrome.

Peter Pan Syndrome isn’t a real Syndrome like Downs mind You. Its some stupid bullshit that Conformists created to define Those Who walked free from the Flock. PPS simple means that a Person for whatever reason(s) doesn’t grow up to be what is commonly called Mature.

The way Phil saw it Mature was just a fancy way of saying falling in line. Why should He watch what He was Saying?! Who gives a shit if something is “Not what People Do”?! Why not do something Unusual?!

Phil truly felt that if He was born a totally unique one of a kind and that there was no one exactly like Him Why would He then opt to Act, Dress, Behave,and Live Life like Everyone fucking Else?! Be a Leader Not a Lemming was Phil’s personal motto since He was 13 years old.

So Phil did in fact Graduate from High School, and gave Collage a Try. Collage was far more free flowing than High School had been, BUT Phil couldn’t seem to figure out a Educational Path to Follow.

Since Collage was’t in Phil’s future He did the Only Other thing He could do ACCORDING to His Parents, Family, Teachers, Guidance Counselors, and all Other Authority Figures.

It took next to No Time for Phil to realize He detested Working for Another. Phil always had a Extremely Strong Aversion to ANY AND ALL AUTHORITY FIGURES. Just like other People Phil resented Someone having the Power and control over Him, BUT unlike the Others Phil didn’t hide His feelings just the opposite.

Phil was VERY Outspoken about his Views, Opinions, and General Thinking. Phil didn’t have this fucking “Filter” as They say though Phil always thought Filters were for fucking Pools not People.

One Day Phil decided to relocate to Florida as He hated Cold fucking Weather with a passion, and there was nothing keeping Phil tied down as He wasn’t married, No Kids, Didn’t own a House or Business, wasn’t attending Collage, and He had come to hate pretty much everyone in His Home Town of Phukuville. Thus Phil could simple up and move with little notice or planning involved.

Once Phil made it to Florida He settled in Orlando renting a Small Apartment in a Cheaply Built Apartment Building off of Orange Blossom Trail. Phil’s crappy Apartment had one perk if You will as it was just a mere 8 minutes from Disney World.

Phil needed work quick to get some positive cash flow coming in. Phil first took a job as a Short Order Cook at a Country Themed Restaurant call The Black Eyed Pea. The Black Eyed Pea is essentially a Poor Man’s 3rd rate Cracker Barrel rip off. Phil had a blast partying with His coworkers, BUT inevitably Phil ended up Quitting on the Spot on Day due to the fact He felt the Manager was just being a dick for the sake of being a dick.

Phil then took a Job as a Telemarketer and absolutely hated everything about the Job. His employer was some vaguely shady company with a token cliche name referencing America. The hours were odd, and the pay was less than appealing. Phil didn’t speak to His coworkers as He felt They were all fucking Basket Cases, had legit Mental Health issues, had Drug issues, or some sort of unscrupulous Scumshit (a Low Life Piece of Shit).

When Phil got so sick of the Job that He wanted to Burn the fucking Call Center Down decided to just never go back fuck’em. After that Phil eked by one His meager savings, and small loans from Family Members. Finally the Bank Account ran dry and there was No More Family to ask for a Loan Phil had a moment of clarity.

Phil went out bright and early the next morning to purchase a Newspaper. Phil then went home and proceeded to open the paper to the Classifieds where something absolutely amazing. Phil saw an Advertisement for Help Wanted at Disney World, and this NEVER HAPPENS. The reason that a Help Wanted ad was so rare it was like spotting a fucking Bigfoot riding on the back of a Unicorn was this.

First and foremost NO ONE currently Employed by Disney World would quite unless They HAD NO OTHER CHOICE BUT TO DO SO. Why You ask? Simple. Disney World payed REALLY WELL and the Benefits were fucking UNREAL. Second the rarest of occasions that a Job at Disney World did open up it was filled almost instantly. Hiring at Disney World is identical to the Auditions for American fucking Idol as in HUNDREDS of People Apply.

Taking the Want add as a sign Phil boarded the first Bus headed to Disney World. Once Phil arrived it took Him 90 fucking minutes to locate where the Hiring Office actually was as Disney World is Big as Hell.

In spite of the massive delay in locating the Hiring Office Phil was the first one there as the Office was just opening. Phil was released as he had hailed ass through the Parks and all because as He was looking for the Hiring Office He say a multitude of Other People doing the same. Perhaps this was part of the Hiring Process Phil wondered as sometimes Employers do weird shit like that to see You is determined and Who preservers.

The Job was for a Wild West Restaurant Actor which was described to Phil in the following way. There was a Huge Wild West Themed Restaurant in one of the several Disney World Parks that had Actors working there in addition to the Servers and Kitchen Staff. Actors/Actresses dressed as Cowboys in 18th century Wild West Attire and Acted out various Storylines.

NOW THIS WAS NO DINNER THEATER At Least NOT in the Conventional Sense. Unlike normal Dinner Theaters were Dinners filled a Dinning room and the Actors put on They’re performance on a Stage. There was No Stage at the Wild West Restaurant.

Instead the Actors and Actresses preformed the set Stories/Story Lines while roaming through out the Entire Restaurant among the Dinners. And this being a Wild West Theme there were Bank Robberies, Foot Chases, Ho Downs, Town Meetings, and Yes Gun Fights happening around the Visitors as They ate.

Phil aced the interview which was far from surprising as Phil was blessed with the Gift of Gab,and could seriously turn up the Charm when He needed too. Phil was given the Job as “Cowboy ” who would do all sort of cool things from playing Poker at a Table mixed in with the Diners or Having full blow Gun Fights. The Roles He’s play would change Daily to keep it fresh for the Visitors and more Interesting for Actors and Actresses.

Time ticked by as the weeks turned into Months and Phil feel head over heels for His official Job as a Fictional Cowboy. He had money in the Bank. He moved to a much nicer (but still cheaply constructed) 2 Bedroom Town House. He bought a New Car. Life was good.

Christmas came around and for the very first time in Phil’s life he mailed out Christmas cards. Phil had never put much thought into shit like Christmas Cards because they didn’t register as important a thing as they did for other People. So Phil hit up the local Hallmark Store and bought a slew of Christmas Cards.

Phil headed home and started filling out the Christmas Cards He had purchased to send to ALL His Friends and Family back home as well as Several Other Key People (one being for example His High School Principle Mr. Witless) As soon as He was done the last one Phil mailed them immediately without hesitation.

When Phil’s Seasons Greeting Christmas Cards arrived to His Entire Family, Every One of His Friends, and Some Others (His first Boss Dick Pickler from Samuel Goody’s a Chain of Commercial Record Stores) They all happily oped the envelope, opened the card, took a deep breath, and read…..

Hello and Happy Holidays Assholes,

For years You all told Me relentlessly time and time again to Grow up, Act My Age and Get a Job. Well I’m a full grown Adult now ,and I have a full time Job with Excellent Pay/Benefits.

What is My Job? What do I Do?

I dress up in a Authentic Cowboy Costume and Play Cowboys & Indians for 12 hours 4 fucking Days a week. Thats what the fuck I do for a Living so Fuck Your Bad Advice, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year Shitheads!

See Ya Later PHIL!

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Tech Support is a Shitty Scam

We have all been there Countless Times over the Years to say the fucking least. At the most inconvenient moment possible some piece of technology that We are using/Need takes a massive shit, and refuses to right itself.

And after tooling around with the Device like the good old “Turn it off and on Again” and other DIY tricks of the trade. When nothing within the realm of fucking Logic doesn’t work, and your Device is still having a Tantrum like a bratty fucking child We break the fuck down, curse under Our breath, and call Tech Support.

Yeah those Less Than Helpful 9 out of 10 times with Their bullshit attitudes, and general hating of They’re Lives. Well yup you fucking guessed it some of that Trifling Tech shit happened to Me just the other fucking day.

I jumped on My trusty fucking Laptop (AKA My Partner in Crime) logged on to the site here, and it was all normal until I pulled up a Post I was in the middle of working on. Thats when I found out My Format had somehow become completely fucked rendering pretty much everything if You think about it to a grinding halt.

I spent little over a hour trying My best to remedy the situation, but to no avail. I finally had to accept the fucked up fact that I’d have to call Tech Support in for this fucker.

I spent 40 fucking minutes talking with the first Guy and LITERALLY GOT NO WHERE. Apparently He couldn’t access My screen to see what the fuck I was seeing because something on My end effectively blocked Him before He could.

Well this dumb fuck tells Me since the issue is on My end I need to shut off whatever the fuck it is thats locking Him out. So I said fine tell Me then how the fuck I do it and I will now, BUT thats when the TECH SUPPORT GUY informs Me for some unexplainable reason He can’t.

I then told the Guy how fucking stupid and utterly fucking absurd the issue was. Here I am the Tech Noob asking Him for help only to have Him tell Me Me He CAN”T DO A DAMN THING TO HELP. Then the Tech Expert tells the Noob He needs to figure out an issue the fucking TECH FUCKING EXPERT CAN’T.

Needless to say I was transferred to a Second Guy in what I was told was the TurdPress Live department.

After having to tell the Second joker all over again what the fuck was going on He tells Me He’s all too familiar with the issue and that He sees it several times a Month.

I then ask Him what the hell happened to which He replied an Automatic Update (I have experienced any such fucking thing, at least nothing fucked up like it in the 4 plus years I have been Paying this Provider) had a faulty Plugin that either didn’t load or it only partially loaded either way thats what clusterfucked My Beloved Format.

Now I’m feeling a bit better at least the Second Joker is familiar with the problem, and sounds like this Guy can fix it since He had NO trouble diagnosing the problem in great detail at length. Well I was Wrong.

The next fucking thing I know is this asshole is telling Me for some reason He won’t fucking tell me He can’t intact Fix the issue. I mean shit at least the First Joker had a reason for His incompetence. This Guy had DICK.

I then realized where the fuck this conversation was inevitably headed and that time I was right fucking on.

This assfuck goes on to say that if I want the problem fixed (and remember I can’t write/Post a goddamn thing without My fucking Format being fixed/working) I have to SIGN UP FOR THEIR TURDPRESS LIVE SERVICE.

Apparently They like SO many Others use TurdPress, but in this incidence the Provider Company created TURDPRESS LIVE just to handle all the fucking issues all the fucking users where having. How fucked is that shit I ask You?! A Secondary Company had to create a Tech Support Department to handle THE FIRST COMPANIES USER’S PROBLEMS.

Anyway I damn well know signing up for ANY and ALL ADDITIONAL SERVICES translates into “But You’ll have to PAY US MORE MONEY.” So I ask this fucking Guy how much, and He has the balls to tell Me its “just” a couple hundred a month.

He then lets Me know that most People sign up only for a few/couple months and then drop it like some People do with HBO and Their Game of Thrones Show as well as Other Similar Sinarios with Different Shows.

Bottomline is I’d have to buy a MONTH worth of Support to fix this one issue. I then asked this idiot what the fucking alternatives would be, and He says to surf forums asking questions (and see what the fuck happens) or scouring YouTube to see if You might find something of use. Both would require a great deal of time and effort, but still it all could come up with absolute dick as far as answers.

I was well pissed off by now as anyone would and told this clown I’d have to think about some shit and call back later or something. I sat around for a while killing time before My Wife came home form Work spitting venom.

I for one am SICK AS SHIT that I Pay all these different fucking companies and They all tell Me about the fucking spectacular Customer Service They provide for Their Customers.

Then You have an actual problem thus You call them for Help ONLY TO BE TOLD IT WILL COST YOU MORE FUCKING MONEY for Their Service that can actually fix the fucking problem/Provide the Service You want or need.

I mean where the fuck is the Customer Service Help I’m ALREADY FUCKING PAYING FOR?! How come all these phone fucks can do is charge Me more through some Upgrade orSpecific Service. Talk about Double Billing.

HERE’s The Kicker. Once My Wife got home see took a look at it and had it totally fixed in UNDER 15 Minutes FOR FUCKING FREE.

Tech Support/Customer Service can EAT SHIT SANDWICHES In Jersey.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

The Alienation of Alaska

Lets face it there are only 3 different types of People that reside in the Beautifully Brutal Environment of Alaska. Life even in the most populated places in Alaska (like Anchorage for example) day to day life provides a bleak existence cut off from the rest of the Civilized World.

The Weather with its prolonged Winters, Bizarre Daylight Issues, and Freezing Temperatures is only one reason that Regular People visit, but don’t move to Alaska.

The Other is the effects of the Extreme Isolation, a virtual Plague of Loneliness and Absolute Alienation.

Living that remotely removed from Established Society can wreak havoc on a Persons Sanity causing anything from Paranoia, Aggression, Crippling Depression, Psychosis, Hallucinations (Auditory as well as Visual), and Delusional Thinking, and thats not nearly all.

Point Being Cabin Fever is VERY REAL.

So considering its Foreboding Reputation based on the Harsh Reality of Life in Alaska it truly takes a particular type of person to not just live but even exist there. For Anyone that is not just willing to, but that can also successfully endure the Alienation (and the untamed Wilderness) that is Alaska.

You might be thinking to yourself who ARE the 3 types of People be one might ask themselves, and heres the answer for those who are wondering.

Now the First Personality Type of living in Alaska is quite obviously the Inuits who are the Indigenous Native People of Alaska whose Families, and Ancestor’s have lived long before recorded time. So it makes perfect sense why they call Alaska Home.

The Second Personality Type that inhabits the grand State of Alaska are the detrimentally Anti-Social motherfuckers.

I’m talking text fucking book Anti-Social Personality Disorder which is one of the most destructive disorders ever Diagnosed. This disorder can cause (One, Some or All) behavioral problems such as Deceitfulness, Hostility, Aggression, Impulsivity, Irritability, Lack of Restraint, Manipulativeness, Lying, and lack of regard for Their or Others Safety.

These are simply those People who are SO FUCKED in the Head that they CAN’T and Won’t be a Part of any Society whatsoever.

The Last Personality Type One finds living in Alaska are Those People who are running from something, and that something is usually the Law. And why not Alaska is a perfect place to go if One doesn’t want to be found, it is for all intensive purposes Off The Grid.

Now not all of These People are hardened Criminals, some are running to avoid IRS Problems or are Dead Beat Asshole Dads escaping the obligation of Child Support.

Don’t get Me wrong Though there plenty of Seriously Hardcore Criminals that came to Alaska to avoid Prosecution. Gang Members, Members of Organized Crime, Murderers, Drug Dealers, and Sex Offenders all using Alaska as a last refuge outside of a Life In Prison.

In Summation the 3 Personality Types That Dwell in Alaska are The Indigenous Natives The Inuit, Anti-Social Basket Cases, and Assorted Criminals/Criminal Elements.

So Come VISIT ALASKA because living there SUCKS BIG TIME.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Text Poetry No One Should Read Pt. 2 SpaceDog’s Reply

Quick Reminder to the Reader THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST OFFENSIVE POSTS YET, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

For those who skip intro’s I met up with SpaceDog during a recent Road Trip. On the way I decided to insult a person We both mutually Hate and Mock Mercilessly. I sent him an impromptu Poem about said Asshole, and SpaceDog wrote his own Poem in Response. It may be pertinent to note I did date this Fuckass for several months. This Poem is about surviving the ghastly grips of a grimy gutter dwelling Girl.

This is SpaceDog’s Poetic Reply:

Title: Saved From The Snatch of Satan

There was a hole that many knew,

As time went on its reputation grew,

Most men that entered turned gay anew.

And the one’s that didn’t they wound up dead,

Tragic overdoses, shot in the head.

But one man lives to tell the tale, No cocks in his mouth,

Heart beating strong as a Whale.

Despite the dead placentas on his dick,

He turned around his life like a magic trick.

Most know him well yet don’t speak his name,

Only time will tell who is to blame.

Just know well when your pregnancy tests comes up B,

Abort it fast…coat hanger 1,2,3.

Right now this tale is almost over,

The Living Legend Les Sober.

By The One and Only,

SpaceDog

Text Poetry That No One Should Read

WARNING DEAR READER:

Even though We here at f-yourblog.com have an open letter statement posted that has a section pertaining to content. The Following Post is the reason We have said section. THIS IS THE MOST OFFENSIVE and OBSCENE Post to date. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

In the past I have posted a couple of SpaceDog’s and my Late Night Text Conversations. I was recently on a road trip that had me headed into SpaceDog’s neck f the Woods. So I texted Him a short 4 line limerick that then gave birth to an entire poem written on spontaneously on the spot while stuck in a real bumper fucker of a traffic jam. A few minutes later SpaceDog hit me back with a Nasty bit of Poetry of His own also pertaining to the same person. See one of the things SpaceDog and I have in common are a bunch of people we both Hate and Despise to NO END WHATSOEVER. To handle this deep disgust We mock these people viciously in an arena where NOTHING IS OFF LIMITS EVER.

Here is My Poem I sent SpaceDog:

THE BAD ASS BALLAD OF BRITTANY:

People laugh and people scoff,

But Brittany cut her pussy off,

She’d have Wild Fetish fits,

While Strange Men shit on her Tits,

She used so much lube She bought Stock,

While sucking on an Old Man’s Cock,

She’d fuck you till you bounced off the Walls,

She’d Swallow, Eat Ass, and Gargle Balls,

When She heard of Bukaki,

She said “thats for ME!”,

She always had problems with her legging,

When some Dude’s Ass She was Furiously Pegging,

No Secret Brittany Licked some Slit,

Nibbled on Crackhead Clit,

She Shot Heroin that was Top Notch,

She injected into her stank Crotch,

Filled with Pervert’s Jizz,

She Loves The Biz,

Now She has Lost All Hope,

She’s Sucking Dick for Dope,

Made Her money on her Back,

Spent it all Smoking Crack,

Her Vag is riddled with STDs of Every Kind,

She’s Drinking Mad Dog 20/20 to unwind,

She’s Pregnant again and She Knows the Institution,

She’ll go back to The Free Clinic for her 100th Abortion,

She’s a 3 Hole Super Slut,

Mouth, Vag, and The Butt,

She sits on the corner smoking a PCP Laced Blunt,

While Passerby’s on the Street gag at the smell of Her Cunt,

It looked like a sloppy Hot Roast Beef between Her legs,

As Her Live In Gimp Grovels, Moans, and Begs,

She can Cream Pie like no other,

She once even fucked Her own Mother,

Started a Porno Web Cam,

Where She’d eat Her Sister’s Clam,

She’ll fuck every last one of the 42 of us,

As Long You don’t mind Her Pussy Puss,

Her Scab covered Genitalia,

Just the Smell Could Kill Ya,

She’d let you Tittie fuck Her for just a Dollar,

You could finish on her face and its No Bother,

She would go insane if you wanted to run a train,

Just as Her Baby was Aborted so was Her Feeble Brain,

Gang Bangs made Her Wet,

Bath Salt Abuse made Her Forget,

Molested by Her Step Brother,

Preformed Oral sex on her Mother,

A Homeless Alcoholic Hooker,

As a D-List Stripper No One would Book Her,

She loved taking Golden Showers,

She’d sell Her body at all hours,

She can really go to town taking on a Taint,

She does shit that makes Hardcore Porn Stars Faint,

She has to be to remain the Rim Job Queen,

She was a regular at The No Tell Motel,

In Her Own Ejaculation Soaked Hell,

She was a truly Bitter a real Bitch,

Who’s pounded out pussy tended to Itch,

Her Vaginal fuck Flaps hung down by Her dirt covered Knees,

A Vile of Crack would pop out of Her Ass when She would sneeze,

Track Marks under Her Muff,

Taking 56 cocks a day can be rough,

She would Masturbate in a Fury,

Behind the Dumpster in the Ally,

She’s fuck you for Food,

She’ll fuck a Girl, a Sheep, and a Dude,

She was a Donkey Show Star,

At the Sleaziest Bar,

So absolutely fucked up and utterly Dumb,

No wonder The Stupid Slut is coated in Cum,

She used to shoot Golf Balls out of Her Snatch,

And Golf Tee’s out Her Ass just to Match,

She’s Dirty, disease ridden Prostitute,

There is NO Dispute,,

She used to run through Police Barricades,

While Screaming “I have FULL BLOWN AIDS!”,

She constantly Battled the Clap,

Under a Bridge SHe’d take a Nap,

She was a Tramp among Tramps,

She’d take Cash, Drugs, or Food Stamps,

She just a low rent junkie,

a Drug Mule Flunky,

A rotten, scummy Hell of a Gutter Whore,

I hit the Road, I could stand Her NO MORE.

What? You were Warned So if your Offended in any way…..

For those Reader’s who are around I will be posting SpaceDog’s Reply Poem Tomorrow without Fail Friends.

Thanks For Reading,

Les Sober