Tag: Black Metal

Shits and Giggles: Day Drinking – The Black Metal

I saw this and instantly thought to myself “Well hell that sums up the mundane madness of Mondays pretty damn well” and decided it was a necessary and appropriate. Anyways that said here is FYB’s Monday post DAY DRINKING-THE BLACK METAL by the one and only MeatCanyon.

MeatCanyon’s real name is Hunter August Hancock better know by his online user name MeatCanyon. Hancock is an American Youtuber, animator, voice actor, comedian, writer, and director who makes parody animations of popular characters (say Sponge Bob for instance). Some viewers of MeatCanyon’s animations  have been described them in just one single word “Horrifying”. A common on going gag in Hancock’s video’s is that something normal or mundane gets you killed or possible worse.

Here it is.

See you when I see you,

   Justin Sane  

Sick Disease: Walking Corpse Syndrome

If there was a Web MD for The Dark Web You would find Diagnosis’s such as this one for Walking Corpse Syndrome, BUT what in Unholy Hell IS Walking Corpse Syndrome Exactly?!

The Definition of Walking Corpse Syndrome is as Follows:

       

Walking Corpse Syndrome is also known as Cotards Syndrome a Rare, BUT Very Real Delusional Disorder.

Walking Corpse Syndrome Patients Believe that They have in Fact DIED and are NO Longer Among The Living.

Walking Corpse Syndrome Patients also Believe They Have Lost ORGANS, BLOOD, BODY PARTS, And Even Report Feeling BUGS EATING AT THEIR FLESH, as well as SMELLING THEIR FLESH ROTTING.

This Syndrome exists in Patients with Depression, Schizophrenia, Psychotic Disorders, and Dementia.

Cotard’s is thought to be Related to Capgras’s Syndrome, both are thought to Result from a Disconnection between the Brain Areas that Recognize Faces, and the Area that Associates them with the Emotions that are Connected with that Particular Face.

Whit this Disconnect, it creates a Sense that the Face that is Seen is NOT that Person that it Purports it to be, Although it is Identical with the Face it Purports it to be, it Lacks the Familiarity it Should Have.

       

Documented Cases:

In 2012 a Japanese Man believed He was Dead, and Consulted Doctors to see if His Suspicion was actually True. The Doctors asked the Man if He could come into the Office for a Consultation. The Man could NOT be dissuaded from His Belief that He was for all Intents and Purposes Dead. Eventually The Man was Treated and Responded Well, BUT He Continued to Believe that He had Previously Died only to somehow be Reanimated.

       

In 2008 a Middle Aged Woman in New York PLEADED and BEGGED Her Family Members to take Her to The Morgue to be with Her Fellow Cadavers. The Woman was Under the Belief that Not only had She Died, BUT that Her Body had started to DECAY.

In 1996 a Young Man in Scotland suffered Injuries in a Motorcycle Accident. While He was Recovering  He came to Believe that the Accident had been Fatal, and Thus He was Dead having Died in the Accident. His Mother decided to relocate The Young Man to South Africa for some Reason. Unfortunately for Her and The Young Man this only served to Reinforce His Delusional Beliefs Believing now He was not Only Dead, BUT IN HELL (This was most likely due to The Extreme African Heat). Believing His Mother had remained in Scotland the Young Man Walked and Talked with the Local People of South Africa under the Belief He had Borrowed His Mother’s Spirit to Help guide Him through Hell.

       

Note: It is also Believed Walking Corpse Syndrome might be Be the cause behind Swedish Black Metal Musician Per Yngve Ohlin’s (ironically who’s Stage Name was Dead) 1991 Suicide at the Age of 22. Ohlin had a Long and Documented Bouts a Deep Depression and Suicidal Thoughts. Even Ohlin’s Suicide was Evidence of a Severely Troubled Mind as He committed Suicide by First Slitting His Wrists and Throat before Finally Shooting Himself in the Forehead with a Shotgun. Ohlin did leave a Suicide Note that Started “Excuse the Blood”.  Ohlin’s Band Mate and Fellow Member of the Black Metal Band Mayhem took a Photo of Ohlin’s Body Post Suicide. It later became the Actual Album Cover for the Mayhem Bootleg Album Titled “Dawn of the Black Hearts”

       

Thanks for Reading,

 By Les Sober

GRISHJARTA: a Bibliophile’s Dream

First Off if You haven’tChecked Out Our post on Silencer or Nattramn You may well want too. Of course thats completely up to You, But it would help Explain this Post.

These ARE ACTUAL PHOTOS of THE REAL NATTRAMN. They are featured in  Grishjarta (Pig’s Heart) His Book of Poetry, Illustrations, and Photos.

There are 3 total Editions of Nattramn’s Grishjarta in total the 3rd being Titled the “Final Edition”

As Usual Nattramn insures that NO MATTER WHAT His Face is Obscured/Hidden be it by a Mask, Makeup or simply His Hair.

    

          

Here are a Small Sampling of Illustrations from Grishjarta:

        

          

           

The Pictures Below Showcase that EACH COPY of Grishjarta is HAND NUMBERED and SIGNED by Nattramn Himself:

      

Here is some Quite Scarce Merchandise:

     

(Note To Reader: The Glass Vile (in the Top Right Picture) is Blood. The Vile of what is most likely in fact Nattramn’s Blood was included along with Grishjarta.)

This a HAL Post pertaining to Grishjarta below.

“After the musical projects Silencer and Diagnose: Lebensgefahr (Diagnosis: Mortal Danger), Nattramn herby takes art into a new direction by releasing his first book.

        

With the allegorical* title “Grishjarta” or “Pig’s Heart”, this book will grant you an opportunity to step inside the doggerwork of the mind of Nattramn. Read all written material since the last fifteen years and dive into the depths of the recent material. Subjects drifts from life as a prisoner of your mind- to what true freedom ultimately is and what living life as a non-human truly means. A pungent odor of decomposing corpses is always close at hand in order to remind you of what, and who you really are.

Nattramn writes in a variety of emotions, moods, and altered mental states- from intense manic fire to cold apathetic dark waters, liberating and yet deeply depressive and with a never-ending urge to “turn it all off”.

Read this book as pure poetry or use it for what it is truly intended for:

A guideline to reject the human being –

invoke the animal and reach the level beyond human!”

          

(The Allegory of Nattramn’s Fascination with Pig’s is due to the Scientific Fact that a Pig’s Heart is the closest to a Human Heart. Take a minute and ponder on that. We’ll wait.)

As further Proof of this Hypothesis pertaining to Pigs/Pig Hearts in relation to Humans/Humanity I’m including Pictures from Nattramn’s Musical Project Diagnose: Lebensgefahr which translates roughly from German as Diagnosis: Mortal Danger.

        

Well Thats All For My Latest Update As I Hunt Relentlessly To Obtain a Copy of GRISHJARTA.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

 

BONUS MATERIAL!

This is One of The Oddest Poems from Nattramn in His Book Grishjarta:

Numeric Circle

4

4

4

4

333

333

333

2

2

1

The Black Metal Experimental Lyrics

I have been a Fan of Black Metal for some time now, and many Readers may have noticed I use quite a Few Black Metal Pictures in Posts. Some of My Favorites are Goatwhore, Nocturnal Depression, Silencer, Immortal, Mayhem, Dying Fetus, Burzum, Bathory,  Gorgoroth, and Dark Throne to name a few.

Over Time I have Noticed Black Metal Lyrics are all about Death, Doom, Destruction, and The Devil for the most part They don’t dwell on one particular Subject per Song, But rather They tend to stick to the Bigger Picture working on broader scale.

So I decided for shits and Giggles that I’d try My hand at Writing some Black Metal Lyrics so Here It Goes Ladies & Gentlemen………

       

Savages Feasting on Bloody Flesh of Their Foes

Slime Covered Slores Bay at the Blood Moon

A Secret Place of Lore where Cadavers and Corpses

Copulate to Feel alive Once More

Bloody Entrails ripped from Rectums

The Defiling of The Flesh

        

Devils and Demons engage in an Apocalyptic Orgy

Behold The Aborter Birther of Bastards

A Cemetery worth of  Mutilated Carcasses

Rotting in the Sun, Purifying in the Sweltering Heat

Vultures gorge Themselves on the Decay

        

Gouging Eyes, Tearing Tongs, Deafening Ears,

Parasitic Souls Languish in Lurid Lusting

The Things that Go Bump in the Night

Adorned with the Fresh Skins of Man

Enslaved in Despair and Soaked in Sorrow

The Maggot filled Mouths of Murderers

Blasphemously Born of the Kracken’s cunt

       

The Ender of times licks His Lips anticipating Armageddon

Damed Deities demand Damnation of the Abyss

Broken Backs, Severed Heads, Amputated Limbs

The Brutality of Burned Bodies

Eternal Torture in the Fiery Pits of Hell

there lies the Destiny of Humanity

Suckling at The Withered Tit of The Witch

What Fresh Hell is This?!

        

Thanks for Reading,

 By Les Sober

Silencer: A Sample of the Insanity that is Nattramn

Band: Silencer (Vocals & Lyrics by Nattramn)

Song: Sterile Nails And Thunderbowels

Lyrics:

Vast Souls

And Inhumans,

Bitten By Infected Jaws

      

Abandoned Minds

And Corpses

Lurking with Moulded Eyes

Lacerated Bodies

Without Mourners

Nodding at Gallows

        

Crushed Skulls

Tasting The Fur

Of Dying Cats

   

Needles, Injecting Pain

Flammable Skin

And Deadly Thirst

Beyond Mind

Is Sleep To be Found

Leap, Leap, Leap, Leap

From Life,

Leave Yourself

Die with Me

      

Thanks for Reading/Listening,

   Presented By Les Sober

Nattramn The Man, The Myth, The Rumors, and The Facts

Well those who Know Me the Best Knew this was Coming, Welcome Readers to My Latest Obsession Nattramn/Silencer.

Basic Stats:

Name – Mikael Nilsson (This has NEVER Been Officially Confirmed.)

Pseudonym – Nattramn

Born – Unkown Date, Year disputed as being Either 1975 0r 1977

Place of Origin – Markaryd, Smaland, Sweden

Silencer: The Beginning

In 1995 Black Metal Guitarist/Bassist Andreas Casado started Silencer as Solo Project using the Pseudonym Leere. Sometime between 1995 and 1998 (again No One is sure of the Exact Year) Nattramn signed on to the Project as The Duo’s Vocalist/Lyricist.

Silencer is considered to be a Sub Genera of Black Metal referred to as Depressive Metal or Suicidal Metal by Some. During Their entire Career Silencer released a One 11 minute Song Demo called Death- Pierce Me in 1998 , and One Full Length 6 Song Album also Titled Death- Pierce Me in 2001.

Nattramn’s unique Vocals garnered a great deal of attention since He opted to use a  High Pitched Lamenting Wailing that has been compared to the Sound of a Wounded Animal Dying. In My opinion Nattramn’s Vocals sound like what a Banshee would Should like if it Existed and started to Sing. In Their entire 6 year Career Silencer Never Preformed a Single Live Show, and Didn’t do a Single Interview.

In Reality virtually NOTHING is known about Nattramn prior to Him joining Silencer. As stated above under Stats No One knows When Nattramn was Born or If His Name is Actual Mikeal Nilsson. Before the Rise of the Internet Nattramn had already decided to live in isolated Anonymity, and to this Day He has NO SOCIAL MEDIA PRESENCE OR ACCOUNTS  and Doesn’t have or Maintain a Personal Website of any sort. All of which as only lead to Wild Rumors and Exaggerated Conspiracy Theories about Nattramn’s time in Silencer as well as aspects of His Life Past or Present.

Silencer disbanded in 2001 when Nattramn was Institutionalized at Sankt Sigfrids sjukhus Mental Hospital in Vaxjo. No One knows the details surrounding Nattramn’s Admittance to the Mental Hospital. No one is sure if He went Voluntarily, was Committed by His Family, or if He was Institutionalized by The Authorities. This didn’t seem to surprise anyone as the General consensus was Nattramn was and always had been Clinically Insane.

        

The Majority of Fans believe Nattramn spent 5 years in Mental Hospital, and Others think that He Stayed more than 5 years. Lastly there are Fans who believe Nattramn is still living at Sigfrids sjukhus to this very Day. Again when it comes to Nattramn No One really Knows.

What most everyone DOES AGREE ON is that at one point during His stay at The Mental Hospital His Doctors gave Him a Keyboard and encouraged Him to start writing Music again as a Therapeutic Tool. This lead to Nattramn’s Darkly Ambient Solo Project titled ‘Transformation’ under the Name Diagnose: Lebensgefahr (Roughly Translated from German as Diagnosis- Mortal Danger) in 2007.

In 2011 Nattramn released His Limited Edition book titled Grishjarta (or Pig’s Heart is Swedish) which is a collection of His Poetry as well as His Artwork, and contains a small collection of Photographs of Him in which His face is fully Obscured (Hidden). There are only 200 (a Few People think its 300) copies of Grishjarta each one Hand Numbered and Signed by Nattramn.

       

I personally have been searching for a Copy of Grishjarta for several months to NO AVAIL. Due to its extremely limited Copies makes Grishjarta a Quite Obscure and Rather Rare Book so all the Usual Options are Out. Amazon, Barns and Nobles, Books a Million, or Any other major Chain are not an Option. I went to Ebay and even in Ebay’s long and illustrious Career as a Global Internet Auction Site has only seen One Copy of Grishjarta come up for Sale, and it sold insanely fast for a commanding $210. I’ve since been talking with Rare Book Dealers and shit but still I am no where closer to owning a Copy than when I started. I will never stop Looking so I’m in it for the Long fucking Haul.

RUMORS:

There Three Principle Rumors Pertaining to Nattramn and His time in Silencer that have been circulating around the Internet for so fucking long They have almost become Urban Legends. I will agree all Three Now.

        

The First is by far the most INSANE fucking thing I have ever Heard I can’t understand how the hell anyone could believe it. The Rumor is that During Recording Nattramn CUT OFF HIS HANDS and SOWED ON PIGS FEETS TO REPLACE THEM. This is of Course Utter and Complete bullshit. This rumor stems from a series of Photographs Nattramn did for Silencer in which (as part of the costume) where His hands would be was wrapped in Bloody Bandages with Pigs Feet protruding from the Bandages in place of His Hands. So even if Someone is fucking stupid enough to think a Pig Foot Hand Replacement Surgery is or could be real You can CLEARLY SEE NATTRAM’S HANDS UNDER THE BANDAGES.

        

The Second Rumor is a bit more believable (especially in the Grim and Violent World of Black Metal) BUT IS STILL ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT. The Rumor is During Recording Nattramn was Self Mutilating to achieve a Higher State of Pain to Enhance His Vocals. It is Rumored Nattramn cut Himself deeply and repeatedly on His Hands, Wrists, and Arms during Recording. Allegedly Nattramn used a variety of Knives, Razors, and Large Shards of Broken Glass again in an attempt to make His vocals more Extreme. Now here’s the ironic thing to simple DISPROVE THIS RUMOR all You have to do is look at the aforementioned Silencer Photo’s. You can clearly see Nattrman’s bare arms (and chest) in the Silencer Photo’s and there isn’t a single Fresh Wound, Healing Wound or Any Scaring all of which would be Blatantly Obvious in the Photos if at that time of Recording Nattramn was in fact Self Harming.

The Third and Final Rumor is that at one point while admitted to the Mental Hospital Nattramn escaped during a Psychotic Break, and attacked a 5 year Old Girl (or Girls depending on the version of the Story) with an Ax. The Rumor stated that Nattramn attacked the Girl/Girls and when the Police arrived tried to commit Suicide By Cop continuing to wield the Ax wildly screaming “KILL ME! KILL ME! KILL ME!”. The Police then allegedly distracted Nattramn with a Police Dog until an Officer could sneak up behind Him, and take Him down with a Night Stick blow to the Head. In Each Version the Little girl or Girls both Live and make full recoveries.

        

The Truth is it was Nattramn’s Older Brother Franklin who escaped the mental Hospital where He was being treated for Schizophrenia. After walking around and picking up an ax along the way Franklin attacked TWO Young Girls, and then started screaming “KILL ME! KILL ME!” until He was subdued. Once Franklin was back at the Mental Hospital and being properly Cared For (AKA Properly Medicated) The Guilt of what He had done, The Fact He had tried to kill a couple of Kids caused Nattramn’s Brother to commit Suicide.

Extras:

 THIS IS NOT NATTRAMN!

There’s an extremely small handful of Photos of Nattramn, but they are all Staged so His face is ALWAYS Hidden from View. There is a Photo bouncing around the Internet of a Young Man that People claimed was the only existing picture of Nattramn where you can actually see His Face. That is WRONG. The photo is a case of mistaken Identity as The Young Man in the Picture is another Black Metal Musician from the Band Frostrike with a similar sounding Name.

       

There is a Website by a Anonymous Collective called Humani Animali Liberati or HAL for Short that is a Self Proclaimed “Religious Theory and Practice Movement” and Publishing Forum of Nattramn. There motto appears to be “You are at the Heart of Non Human Arts”

“HAL should be looked upon as a further expression of Nattramn, not necessarily linked to either Silencer or Diagnose: Lebensgefahr but merely the Works of Nattramn.””

www.humanianimaliliberati.com

Well Thats All I Have and in this case All there is. When it come to Me the Odder it is the More Appealing it is.

Thanks for Reading,

   By Les Sober

Quick Quiz Could Change Your Reality

Hello Reader(s),

If You opt to take the following Quiz Please follow these Guidelines:

  • Take Your Time. This isn’t some Convoluted Cosmo Quiz.
  • Think Over Your Answers. Question Everything.
  • BE HONEST. This is not some piece of Fluff Post.
  • This Quiz Could Alter Your Perception of Reality, The World, Humanity, Your Friends, Your Family, Coworkers, Significant Others, Neighbors, The Universe, Yourself, or Life & Death Permanently.
  • Pictures Have Been Added For The Purpose of Stimulating The Your Pre Frontal Cortex While Taking The Quiz.

For those reasons the ANSWER KEY won’t be Posted for a couple to a few Days as again it pays dividends to TAKE YOUR TIME, BE SURE OF YOUR ANSWERS, and BE HONEST (Otherwise Your Only Going To Fool Yourself, and the Quiz will be NULL & VOID.

   

1. Would You Ever Buy Something Off The Dark Web?                                                 A. Sure Why Not?!                                                                                                                        B. No Seems Like A Bad Idea.                                                                                                C. OH HELL YEAH, I’m An Asshole Who Lives Dangerously and Has No Fear Of Death!                                                                                                                                       D. OH HELL NO, I Don’t Want End Up In Prison.

2. Even If Its Prepared Correctly By A Master Sushi Chef Japanese Blow Fish or Fugu still has a 1 in 66 chance of Death When Eaten. Would You Ever Try Fugu?                                                                                                                                              A.  Yes I’ve Heard Its Tasty.                                                                                                    B.  No Thanks I Don’t Have a Death Wish.                                                                      C. I Know What Fire IS So I Don’t Eat Raw Fish. I’m An Asshole.                         D.  What The Fuck Is Wrong With This Red Lobster?!

3.When You Go To The Adult Store Do You…                                                                 A. Buy Something.                                                                                                                     B. Look Around Briefly And Leave.                                                                                    C. Realize You Could Have Done Your Adult Shopping Online.                             D.  I Don’t Indulge In Any Porn or Adult Store Merchandise, and I’m a Lying. I’m an Asshole.

     

4. What Kind of Pet Person Are You?                                                                                A. Rodents (Rats, Mice, Gerbils, Hamsters, Guine Pigs) Because I Forgot About The Black Plague                                                                                                          B.  Dog, Their Mankind’s Best Friend For A Reason.                                                 C.  Cat, They Were Worshiped Egyptians and They Had Pyramids so Thats Cool..                                                                                                                                               D. Fish. I’m a Simple Person Keeping It Simple.                                                          E. Bird. I’m a Masochist.                                                                                                         F. Reptiles. Dinosaurs Baby, Living Fucking DINOSAURS!                                     G. Unconventional (Pot Bellied Pig, Miniature Goat, Tarantulas, Scorpions, Hedgehog etc. I Was Born Without A Identity so Now My Identity Is My Pet. Also I’m An Asshole.

5. What Kind Of Motor Vehicle Is Your Type “Dream Car” ?                                  A. Sports: Speed Kills So Lets Die Fast!                                                                            B. SUV: I’ve Always Wondered What It Be Like To Be a Godzilla Sized Asshole.                                                                                                                                          C. Luxury: I’m a Rich Fat Bastard, and I Want The World To KNOW IT!          D. Truck: Bigger The Truck Littler The Man (Height and Penis)                         E. Motorcycle: Because Car Crashes Can’t Kill You Fast Enough.                         F. Moped/Scooter: I Like Motorcycles, But I’m Too Scared To Own One.

6. What Is Your Preferred Type/Style of Music?                                                          A. Heavy Metal: What I’m Middle Aged and Nostalgic.                                            B.  EMO: I’m Dark, Brooding, Deep and Clinically Depressed.                              C. Classic Rock: I’m a Hippy Hangover From 1969.                          D.Death/Black Metal: We Are All Going To Hell & I Have The Soundtrack!     E. Folk: I’m Heavily Medicated.                                                                                           F. Jazz: I Like Things That Sounds Like Schizophrenia Put To Music.              G. Pop: I’m a Mindless Commercial Lemming.                                                           H. Classical: I Like To Think I’m An Intellectual, I Listen To NPR.                      I. Punk: I Refuse To Admit Punk IS DEAD.                                                                       J. EMD: I’m a Bot.                                                                                                                      K.  Country: I Don’t Mind The Hypocrisy and Commercialism because I Like Horses and Playing Cowboys and Indians.                                                                     L. Talk Radio/Podcasts: I Didn’t Understand The Question, and I’m an Asshole.  

      

7. When Its Comes To Social Media Do You………                                                         A. I Check Once and a While, I Like Keeping Tabs On Shit.                                     B. I Check It Frequently and Often Because I Need To Stay In The Loop.          C. I Check It  CONSTANTLY I CAN’T AFFORD TO MISS A GODDAMN THING  D. I LIVE in Social Media, I’ve Fully Exited Physical Reality                                  E. I DON’T Check Because I Enjoy My Real Actual Life. Shove Second Life Up Your Avatar’s Ass.

        

8. What Kind Of Movies Do You Prefer To Watch?                                                      A. Horror: I’m a Sick and Twisted Little Puppy                                                            B. Action: Lets Blow Some Shit Up Already!                                                                  C. Drama: Because Life Doesn’t Have Enough Drama For Me.                              D. Foreign: I’m Profound & Worldly.                                                                                E. Rom-Com: Sometimes I Need a Break From Eharmony.                                    F. Documentary: Fuck Fiction I Want to Know What Is Really Going On in The World. Fiction, Save That Shit For Mordor.                                                          G. Mockumentary: Fuck Facts I DON’T Want to Know Whats Really Going On.                                                                                                                                                   H. Comedy: The Laugh More, Live Longer Philosophy                                              I. Thriller: I Like Being Scared, BUT I Can’t Handle Hardcore Horror.               J. Rockumentary: I Don’t just Want To Listen To Bands I Want To Know All The Behind The Scenes Shit Too!    

        

9. When I Drink I………                                                                                                             A. Shots! Shots! Shots!                                                                                                            B. Break Out The Beer Bong and Lets Party.                                                                  C. Have a Glass Of Wine With Dinner.                                                                              D. Have A Few Beers To Unwind After a Long Day.                                                     E. Go To The Bar and Shut That Fucker Down.                                                              F. Binge The Frat Life and I’m an Asshole.                                                                    G. Responsibly                                                                                                                            H. Like Theres NO Tomorrow and I Have A Hallow Leg.                                            I. Drink Like My Name IS Andre The Giant.                                                                    J. Drink Night and Day Because I’m an Alcoholic.                                                      K. Drink Cocktails Because I like To Classy Up My Boozing.                                  L. I Don’t Drink because I’m probably a fucking Alien.  

10. Where Do You Aquire Your Pornography?                                                               A. YouPorn.Com                                                                                                                         B. PornHub.Com                                                                                                                        C. Alternate Free Pornography Site.                                                                                  D. I Pay For My Porn Sites Like An Asshole.                                                                   E. Offline. I’m a Dinosaur and Still By Porno Magazines because I Like Reading The Articles.  

11. When It Comes To Trends I………                                                                                  A. Follow Blindly Like a Sheep.                                                                                            B. Make Sure I Conform To The New Trend WHILE Claiming Not To Be a Trend Follower.                                                                                                                          C. Follow Half Heartedly.                                                                                                       D. I Live To Trend, I’m a Hipster Asshole.                                                                      E. I DEPEND ON TRENDS I wasn’t Born With A Personality So I Need Trends To Define Me.                                                                                                                              F. Trends Are For Twats. I’m Not a Twat.

        

12. When I Smoke Marijuana I………                                                                                   A. Puff, Puff, Pass                                                                                                                      B. Break Out The Bong and Bomb it Like Bagdad.                                                       C. Smoke Straight To The Head By Myself.                                                                    D. Call My Friends and Bust Out The Bag/ Bust Out A Bag.                                     E. Smoke The Whole Bag From Beginning To End in One Sitting Like a Super High Hedonist.                                                                                                                            F. Wake And Bake BABY!                                                                                                           G. Smoke Socially because Hey Its Free.                                                                         H. Smoke Until I’m SO STONED I have To Hold Onto A Blade Of Grass To Keep From Falling Off The Planet.                                                                                      I. Smoke Like I’m Giving Cheech and Chong a Run For Their Money.                J. Smoke Like My Names Doug Benson.                                                                          K. Smoke Like a Chimney                                                                                                       L. Smoke Like I’m Trying To Smoke Colorado Dry.                                                  M. Smoke To Unwind After Work.                                                                                     N. 24/7 Like Snoop Dog.                                                                                                         O. Smoke Until The Tellitubbies Talk To Me.                                                                P. Smoke and Run Up a $600 GrubHub Bill                                                                   Q. Smoke Old School and Roll Up A Joint                                                                        R. Smoke New School and Roll Up a Blunt.                                                                     S. I Don’t Smoke Weed I Vape it and lecture People Who Didn’t Fucking Ask How Much Better It Is For You Than Smoking Weed. I’m a Self-righteous Asshole.                                                                                                                                         T. I Smoke SO MUCH Weed I Forgot How Much I Actually Smoke.                     U. I Don’t Smoke Weed and I’m Lying.

13. Air Guitar  OR Air Drums?                                                                                               A. Air Guitar: I Mean They Based The Widely Popular Video Game Rock Band Game on The Principle Of Air Guitar!                                                                               B. Air Drums: You Wanna Really Rock, DRUM SOLO!                                                C. Air Harpsichord: I’m an Asshole                                                                                   D. I play a REAL LIFE Drums/Guitar/Other Actual Musical Instrument.   

14. When It Comes To The Government I Believe………                                             A. Love Those Bastards, Good Job and Wouldn’t Change a Thing.                      B. Its a Necessary Evil                                                                                                              C. Its Time For a REVOLUTION.                                                                                          D. The System is Broken as Fuck, Scrap Current Model and Start Over.           E. Fuck Big Brother Period.                                                                                                    F. ANARCHY Live Free & Die Free.

    

15. When I Gamble I………                                                                                                        A. Play It Safe, And Stick To The Slots Like a Senior Citizen.                                 B.  I Set a Budget Before Hand, and Then Let The Chips Fall Where They May.                                                                                                                                                 C. Play Fast and Loose Because You Only Live Once so Fuck Consequences.  D. Play Like Your Auditioning For The World Series of Poker.                              E. Until I pass Out Or Puke From All The Free Fucking Drinks.                             F. I Don’t Gamble Probably Because I’m an Asshole.

    

16. When It Comes To Racists I Believe                                                                           A. Whole Heartedly In The 1st Amendment.                                                                  B. They’re Good People, and I’m a Trump Loving MAGA ASSHOLE.                  C. Racists Are Entitled To Their Opinion.                                                                       D. Racists Are Entitled To Their Opinion Even if Its Being a Bigot.                     E. Racists Are Fucking Scumbags                                                                                       F. My Favorite Game Is “PUNCH A NAZI”

17. When It Comes To Religion I Believe………                                                               A. There Is a God and We Should fucking FEAR HIM!                                               B. The Bible is a Moral/Ethical Historical Handbook Full Of Valid Advice.      C. God MIGHT Be Real So Better Play It Safe, and Go To Church.                        D. Heaven Or Hell Religion Doesn’t Matter To Me.                                                    E. I’m a Spiritual Person, Organized Religion is Man Made.                                  F. All Hail Mermenozoid!                                                                                                       G. Cults Are Cool so Whats Up With Scientology?                                                       H. Man Created God In HIS OWN IMAGE.                                                                        I. Take EVERY WORD of My Religious Text of Choice LITERALLY Because I’m a Religious Fanatic Like an Vile Evangelical.                                                      J. Science Over Organized Religion.                                                                                      K. There is Something Bigger Than Humans, BUT its Something Like The Universe or Nature for Example.                                                                                        L. The Ancient Greeks/Romans/Egyptians Had It Right.                                       M. How Would I Know About Religion I’m a Reincarnated Flat Worm.            N. See You In The Halls of Valhalla ASSHOLES!

    

18. When It Comes To Exercise I………                                                                               A. Believe My Body Is A Temple and I’m Its Maintenance Man.                           B. I’m just a Few Pounds Overweight, And Not That Out Of Shape so Steady As She Goes.                                                                                                                                 C. I Exercise Now and Then Basically Half Ass It.                                                       D. I’m Fine Buying Fitness Equipment, and Letting It Rot Covered in Dust In My Basement/Attic/Garage as I Always Have.                                                              E. I Love Exercising I’m a Gym Rat.                                                                                   F. I’m a Fitness Fanatic, I’m Running In Place While I Read This.                      G. I Need to Exercise, But Don’t Because I always Put It Off Till Tomorrow Like An Asshole.

   

19. When I Come To The Police I Think………                                                                 A. I Believe They Are In Fact Here To Protect & Serve Us                                         B. They Police Have Some Serious Problems That Need Correction.                  C.  Blue Lives Matter, and I’m an Utter Asshole.                                                         D. The Police Are The Biggest Criminals in America.                                                E. We Should Dismantle The Police System, And Reinstitute State Militias Or Wild West Modeled Sherriff’s Like Wyatt Eurp.                                                           F. The Police Are Just High School Nerds, and Now Have a Badge so They’re The Bully Now.                                                                                                                           G. Good Cops Are A Myth.                                                                                                      H. The Police Are Useless, Vigilante Justice Is The Only Way To Go.

    

20. When It Comes To Snakes and Spiders Which Are You More Afraid Of         A. Snakes: Obviously Remember The Garden Of Eden.                                             B. Spiders: They Can Crawl Into Your Ear, Lay Eggs, and The Babies Eat Your fucking Brain.                                                                                                                              C. Both Whats Wrong With You?                                                                                        D. Neither: I’m The Asshole Exception To The Rule.

 Brought To You By Les Sober

Written By: The University of Psychological Arts, The Synaptic Society,

& The Swedish Institute of Neuropsychology Research and Development.

 

Revised By: The Cerebral Studies Foundation & The Grey Matter Grant

Edited By: The Psychological Sociology Administration of Japan

Published By: InnerSelf Incorporated, Synaptic Storm,

& The Third Eye Institute for Developmental Cerebral Research.

Malice The Band That Almost Killed Us All

This is the 2nd story I wrote working at DFF Magazine in 1991 for their August issue.

Malice isn’t one of those bands that was poised on the threshold of Fame, but never made it to the Big Time. Malice is a band that most people don’t remember and theres a reason for that. You see  Malice’s rise to International Fame was extremely rapid. In fact it was so rapid its considered a once in a lifetime phenomenon in the Music Industry. That combined with their Hardcore intensity on and off the stage Malice crammed a full 20 year career of Sex, Drugs and Rock’n Roll into just 2.  Malice was the epitome of “Live Fast, Die Young, and Leave a Good Looking Corpse.”

The Story of Malice started in Slaughters Kentucky when Drummer Robbie Rage met Bassist Vic Vile while they both were attending The Gus Hubbard School of the Vocational Arts. Rage was there learning the in and outs of welding while Vile was there learning the fine art of Landscape Maintenance. The two quickly became inseparable friends and decided to start a band together a Black Metal duo called Aborted Faith.

Vile managed to get  Aborted Faith a weekly gig on Friday Night’s at Lane’s Lanes a near by neighboring Bowling Ally. The Aborted Faith was going no where fast as playing in a cramped corner of the Bowling Ally Bar hidden behind a heavy cloud of cigarette smoke. Further more the open concept meant the band was constantly drowned out by the continuing Bowlers.

It was at one of these shitty shows when future guitarist Gar Fisch got stupid drunk and wondered over to where the band was playing and started playing along with them on air guitar. After the show Rage and Vile had a brief meeting and then promptly asked Fisch to join the band. Fisch took the guys up on their offer with one exception that they ditch the Black Metal schtick in favor of becoming a Hardcore Punk Band. Rage and Vile agreed to Fisch’s condition and their new band Stank Breath was Born.

Stank Breath went on to build up a local fan base by playing house party’s and by winning every “Battle of the Bands” that they entered. Stank Breath Shows were known be raucously violent fueled by Fisch’s outrageous stage antics (such as shoving high powered fireworks in his ass Actual M-80’s for example and lighting them) catapulted the Band even farther words fame. The only issue the band had was that they all seriously sucked at singing. After a late night of drinking Rage introduced the idea of hiring a singer to which both Gar and Vile agreed. So they put an Ad in a small music magazine, sat back, cracked a beer, lit a joint, and waited. Instead of getting plenty of replies by people who were no better vocalists than the rest of the band, They got no replies at all.

Pissed off and confused Rage and Fisch went on a beer run and outside of the liquor store pan handling was a rather tall and slim man with long greasy hair wearing a leather biker’s jacket. The man asked for spare change   as the two exited the store Fisch asked what the man needed money for to which the Man told Fisch he needed the money for Beer and Smokes. On a whim Rage asked the Man if by any chance he could sing worth a damn. As it turned out He could so Rage asked the Man his name and if he would be interested in joining the band. The Man said his name was Von Dire and since he had nothing better to do than beg for beer money he’d be glad to join the band.

It was after Dire’s joining the band in January 1988 that it once again changed their musical style to Heavy Metal and name to Malice. Not long after the switch Malice was killing it at the Minnesota “Battle of the Bad Ass Bands” in when Dire literally bumped into Clive Mangina who was the front man for competing Hair Metal Band known as Rectal Invasion at one of the plentiful Beer and Booze stations. This lead to one of the most heated and out of control Rock’n Roll Rivalries of all time. You see Clive was a snark and bitter little man with a raging Napoleon Complex who took great exception to Dire accidentally staggering drunkly into him in line.

Clive called Fisch a “Drunk Dickhead” and Fisch hauled off and head butted Clive. Clive went down like a ton of bricks with blood pouring out of his now broken nose. At this point the other members of Rectal Invasion saw what was going on and jumped in. Fish undeterred by being out numbered (5 on 1 as Rectal Invasion in addition to 2 guitarists, singer,drummer and bassist had a keyboardist (I told you they were Hair Metal so what did you expect?!) Fisch put up a good fight but ultimately he was overpowered by his 5 advisories. Rage and Vile who were vomiting exited the bathroom and immediately came to their fellow band mates aid. Rage ran around kneeing every member of Rectal Invasion repeatedly n the balls until they vomited. Vile proceeded too break $182.99 of the Bar’s glassware over the various heads of the members of Rectal Invasion.Von Dire broke several chairs across the backs and over the heads of Rectal Invasions members.  When inevitably the Police showed up with Billy Clubs a blazing everyone scattered like roaches when the light is turned on.

In spite  of the brawl Malice went on to win the Minnesota’s “Battle of the Bad Ass Bands” and just their luck Jerry Jerkin the owner of a local Record label was in the audience. Jerkin fell head over heels for the Band and enthusiastically signed them to a 3 record deal on his label RatFuck Records. Now RatFuck Records was home of other small time bands such as The Young Cocksmen, Guttural, and Spit Shine. Right away Jerkin booked them on a 10 show tour opening for fellow label members The Salty Yogurt Slingers. The “Mad As Hell” tour was set to hit the road just 2 days after Malice signed their contracts, but that was no problem for Malice. The entire band had been couch surfing at friends places and owned next to nothing.

The “Mad as Hell” tour went so well that Jerkins called up The Salty Yogurt Slingers and told them that they would now be opening for Malice since Malice was a bigger draw at this point. The Salty Yogurt Slingers responded by quoting the tour on the spot under great protest. Malice went on to finish the second half of the tour on with another RatFuck Records band Grind Spine. Malice built a huge following and was expanding their fan base faster than a Crackhead at an all you can smoke Crack Buffet. By the time Malice ended the tour (in the first week of February) they had racked up a slew of business cards from much larger record label reps.

Stay Tuned For Malice Part 2 Posting Next…..

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober 

Hijinks At Hellfest

Editor’s Note: For this piece I’m going to break protocol and I HAVE NOT changed any of the names, but you don’t have to believe me these names and places can be Googled. Now I return you to your regularly scheduled program.

The Key Players:

Mr. Glen Benton: The Vocalist/Bassist and infamous front man of the  Death Metal band called Deicide (who are considered one of the founding fathers of Death Metal). Deicide’s frequent practice of dunking their faces in a bucket of Sheep’s blood before taking the stage in the early days of Deicide’s career quickly earned them a reputation, and with their extremely brutal form of Satan Loving, Bible Hating Death Metal (littered with violent occult imagery) soon made them a Death Metal Fan Favorite. Deicide’s infamy  has only grown over the years as front man Glen Benton burned an inverted cross into his forehead, placed a 9 foot inverted cross in his front yard, and Benton occasionally dousing the audience with animals internal organs (Benton has also eluded to, but NEVER confirmed rumors of animal sacrifices), but its safe to assume they were bought from a local meat market butcher or a grocery meat department. Bottom line here I suppose is Deicide is down with the Devil, know for having gruesome live performances, and being extremely Anti Christian.

Hellfest: There are in fact numerous Hellfests held around the globe yearly be they for Heavy Metal or Hardcore Punk the point being many Extreme  Music Genres use the unlicensed name Hellfest for various different shows. . The Hellfest that I am talking about is the highest attended concert that is put on annually (June 16-17-18th) in Brittany, France featuring top Scandinavian, European Black, and Death Metal acts. Such acts have included Cradle of Filth, Mayhem, Bloodbath, Cannibal Corpse, Lamb of God, Venom, Obituary, Enthroned ,and Life of Agony over the years just to name a few.

The Controversy Begins: Back in 1995 Deicide released their new album titled Once Upon The Cross and promptly launched a tour in support of it. That year Hellfest contacted Deicide and Invited them to play, but for undisclosed reasons Hellfest then contacted Deicide again two weeks later and this time officially Uninvited them. This more than enraged Glen Benton to absolutely no end. Benton announced to the press (he believed) that Deicide had been shit canned because Black Metal Bands heralding from Scandinavia through Europe hate American Death Metal with a burning passion. Benton went on to proclaim the reason (again he believes) Black Metal Bands have such a vile disgust, rabid contempt and distain towards Death Metal was due to the fact they felt America took their musical style ,and shit all over it transforming it into an second rate, dumbed down inferior version. 

The Unofficial Reality and Reason: After Hellfest announced that they had indeed added Deicide to Hellfest 1996 local Decide fans went on celebratory vandalism rampage  by scrawling Deicide’s song title “When Satan Rules His World” on tombstones in surrounding cemeteries. This was never offered as any sort of official (or unofficial reason) for Hellfest’s cancellation of Deicides performance. Though it seems painfully obvious to see  this was in all reality the real reason. You can’t rightfully blame the promoters of Hellfest that year I mean if tombstone vandalizing started by just the initial announcement of Deicides participation, but just imagine what they must have thought would happen when the actual band showed up to play.