Dealing with TechTards is A Lot like The DMV. You call One motherfucker for Help and They tell You that You need to talk to This Person or That fucking Person, But it’s Never Actually the fucking Person You are currently Talking too.
First You have to fucking Fight whatever God fucking Awful Automated System that Acts as the fucking Gate Keeper. Then right as Your about to Lose Your fucking Mind and Have already Cursed Out the Automated Asshole System the First Customer Representative (CR) listens to Your entire fucking Story and then Tell You They will Transfer You which is the fucking Kiss of Death. Once You’re stuck on the fucking Transfer Train You will get Bounced around having to Tell 2,3,4 fucking Other CR You entire fucking Story all Over.
That or the First CR claims It’s NOT THEIR COMPANIES Fault, and that You should Call Every Other fucking Tech Company You also Deal with. If it’s the Latter and You’re instructed to Contact one of the Other Tech Companies You have to go through the ENTIRE FUCKING BULLSHIT PROCESS ALL OVER AGAIN. Usually just the Way DMV bounces You from Line to Line so will The Tech Assholes.
What I mean is They all Claim that there is ABSOLUTELY NO ISSUE on Their End so Its Someone Else’s Issue or Perhaps Your Computer is fucked. The Other Day I had to Log into FYB through a Backdoor of WordPress, and to do that I had to Log into Bluehost, BUT Blue Host was Loading. I did EVEY Trouble Shooting Trick in the Entire Goddamn Book before Begrudgingly Accepted the Fact I would have to CALL Bluehost.
I dread making these type of fucking Phone Calls because I get Angry and My Blood Pressure Sky Rockets like an asshole. One Day I may Suffer an Anger/Rage Induced Brain Aneurism I swear to God. I fought through the Automated motherfucker and reached a Real Person. Immediately after I told Him that My Issue was Bluehost’s Website wouldn’t Load Told ME it was in Fact MY INTERNET PROVIDER that I needed to Talk too about the Issue.
I wasn’t standing for any of this Happy Horseshit so I told Him quite Aggressively that My Internet is fucking Fine, and Not only That But I was Streaming the Shit out of Netflix, Tweeting on My Phone, Googling all Kinds of Crap, and Youtube was Up on My iPad. So the Problem isn’t My Internet I told Him because Obviously Everything I just Listed wouldn’t e Working Either.
The conversation then went in the Same shitty Circle for 15 Minutes before the CR gave Me a Tip to Trouble Shoot the Issue at Last. He then became utterly Obsessed with sending Me some fucking Sort of E-mail. I don’t know where that fucking E-mail Ended Up, But he sat on the Phone FOREVER and a fucking Day waiting for Me to Confirm I received it. I decided I had had Enough for one fucking Day, and Simply Hung Up.
2. For Our Lawyers Sake:
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As You may be Aware We’ve been doing some Seriously Long Overdue Improvements here at FYB from Additions such as Videos ( I know I said LONG Overdue) to Software to Help Maintain FYB, and Insure that FYB runs Smoothly and Unimpeded for Our Readers.
I have decided to at least for the time being Limit the Number of Projects I’m working On/With. This way I have More Time to be Properly Committed to FYB. We have Revived Our Small devoted Crew, and We are all dedicated to The Goal of Improving FYB Any and All ways We can.
We fully realize We have some Serious Catching Up to do so Please Bare with Us just a Little longer, and You won’t be Sorry I can most Assuredly Guarantee You That.
To Help Us make up for Lost Time We decided to Enlist the Aid of WordPress Live. WordPress Live in the Computer World is rather New, and was Designed to Help Users of WordPress (which obviously We are). They are Dedicated to Improving, Expanding, and Promoting Their Sites/Blogs. So it sounded like exactly what We need right now to expedite Our Improving FYB.
THEY ARE NOT TECHNICAL SUPPORT & YOU WILL STILL HAVE TO CALL YOUR HOST PROVIDER FOR TECH RELATED PROBLEMS/ISSUES.
With that said Here’s What the fuck is going on Currently, and I will keep the boring Tech details to an absolute minimum since they’re as boring to write as They are to read trust Me and Here We Go.
As it always seems to this shitnado started when one of the New Security Alert programs brought an issue to Our attention. The message read basically To Whom It Concerns there’s a fucking issue. The issue is Your site is being blocked from being indexed on Search Engines. Yes Like Google and EVERYONE on Earth fucking lives on fucking Google.
Well as We all know having a Blog with NO PRESENCE ON GOOGLE is a serious fucking issue to have. Without Google (and Other Search Engines) it be like opening a Retail Store without advertising We’re talking there isn’t even a Sign on the Door. I mean what’s the fucking point if NO ONE KNOWS YOUR SHOP IS EXISTS?!
First Off I say We because it was a Multi Team Player Scenario. I was on the Phone as well as SpaceDog, and Nathan McCoy all at the same time in an Insane Round Robin Style Situation. At least one if not all 3 of Us were on the fucking Phone at any given time Working Non Stop to Resolve The Issue and Solve the fucking Problem.
We first called WordPress Live (WPL) who bent over fucking backwards doing EVERYTHING They possibly could to Help Us and then some. At the end of the Conversation it looked to be a Tech issue which means its Our Hosting Service Bluehost’s Jurisdiction as I mentioned before WPL are NOT TECH Support.
We called Bluehost (BH) who once again proved to be NOTHING BUT UTTERLY FUCKING USELESS. The Guy We talked to sounded like He was literally about to fucking commit Suicide, and didn’t seem to give a shit about doing His job that’s for shit sure.
The BH Guy would mumble some sort of computer terminology, ask Me to hold REPEATEDLY as He did whatever the fuck it was He kept doing. Now He didn’t put Me on the standard Hold with shitty Elevator Music He just stopped fucking talking. So I’d sit for 20-25 minutes listen to this asshole Type while Breathing in My Ear like a fucking obscene Phone Call.
The call concluded with the BH Guy was He could do a damn thing to help Me as apparently He said “Everything Looked Fine” and ‘Check Out Normal” leaving Me with just One Option. The Option was to send a Report via e-mail to BH Administrators and wait 24 TO 36 Hours (More like 48-72 hours in Reality) for a response still fucked with the Presenting Problem mind You.
I call WPL again where a Extremely Nice Woman went above and beyond the Call of fucking Duty to Try and Assist Us. Unfortunately She couldn’t locate the Problem, BUT She wasn’t leaving Us empty handed. She went on to tell Us VERY DETAILED and EXTREMELY SPECIFIC Directions for Us to relay to BH who had been having a Problem locating the Problem as Well. The Number One Offender if You will in Her experience would be a Robots.TxT File running Amok like an asshole.
We call BH back again, and again Some Sad Sack of Shit Woman drones on about How They can’t see any issue at all. This Time We give Her the Instructions that were given to Us by WPL. The Woman says as far as the first order again She couldn’t find fuck all wrong, and then She tells Us There is No Robot.Txt File it simply doesn’t seem to exist as far as She was Concerned.
SO fucking off We go calling WPL back. Tis time the Wonderfully Nice Lady assisting Us located the Problematic Robot.txt file, but NOT being a Technician She couldn’t actually fix it. We told Her Our ongoing issue with BH claiming They can’t see nor find an issue in the first fucking place.
She immediately e-mailed Us everything We needed to know pertaining to Our current situation. Armed with a Proper Diagnosis and a Set Plan for BH to follow so They could do Their fucking job and ACTUALLY FIX SOMETHING We felt the most positive had Had in the past 5 fucking Hours dealing with Our Issue.
Back at BH the Fuckwit We talked to couldn’t Help Us, in fact once again BH couldn’t GO A GODDAMN THING TO HELP. We lost Our fucking Minds as We REPEATEDLY told the BH Assfuck WHAT the Issue WAS and WHERE IT WAS LOCATED AT.
This worked to No Avail. Apparently even with WPL Diagnosing the Problem, and Locating the Offending Robots.Txt File BH claimed They were Absolutely Oblivious. We the informed the Prick that BH’s Service SUCKS SHIT, Their Customer Service is Complete Unadulterated CRAP, and We would be Sure to NOT Renew with Bh Next Year (Also We informed Them We would be screaming about BH’s Never Ending Bullshit to The Fucking World or Internet in this particular case.)
The Day Ended with a final call to WPL were We essentially just vented in exhausted frustration in the utter lack of competence over at BH, and Most Importantly the fucking Problem had NOT be Fixed. The WPL Guy was very cool and Let us Vent before doing everything He could think of to Help Us out, but it was basically a fucking Waiting Game.
The following Day (Friday) We attended to all of Life’s Demands We had not been able to attend to the previous Day due to the ongoing, and possibly still unresolved issue. I for one spent the Day checking My fucking E-mail like a Love Sick Tween for incoming E-mail from the BH Administrator which never came.
Saturday Morning I get an e-mail from a BH Administrator simply telling Me that They got My fucking report, but right now They are experiencing a High Volume of E-mails currently so IT WILL TAKE THEM EVEN LONGER to get around to doing dick.
I then out of curiosity called Our Security Company who said They were unaware of the Situation as They hadn’t identified and Blocked any sort of Bot issue stemming from a Robots.TxT File. The Security Guy after hearing the whole fucking story suggested We contact the Software Maker’s Themselves since BH and WPL were falling short in solving the Problem. My Wife then spent a while Online researching and Learning about the Plug In Piece of Shit that had Alerted Us to begin with.
My Wife after about 20 minutes online called BH and spoke with a Woman who was the 1 in 100 that knew what the fuck She was Doing. It always seems like calling Tech Support that Your playing Russian Roulette with The Customer Service Reps. It’s as if You have to see how many it will take BEFORE YOU FIND The One Helpful Bastard in the Buch. Anywho My Wife and the BH Woman found a Viable Solution and We Simply ended up Uninstalling/Deactivating the Problematic Plug In.
Several Hours Later I fucking around Online and still a bit bent about how such a simple solution has eluded so many PAID PROFESSIONAL COMPUTER TECH SUPPORT FUCKERS as well as THE OTHER COMPUTER PROFESSIONALS involved Who look far too long to deliver actual Resolution.
I found out the Plug In Program We had had issue with had an Override Option that needed to Be SPECIFICALLY Selected TO AVOID THE VERY PROBLEM WE WERE HAVING. My Point is why didn’t the PAID COMPUTER PRO who recommend the Plug In in the first fucking place DIDN’T MENTION THAT EXTREMELY FUCKING IMPORTANT FACT, The one that keeps Your Site from being Blocked from Google by the Very Plug In that’s supposed to improve shit.
What is The Moral to This Twisted Tale You ask?!
WordPress Live are Incredibly Helpful, Positive, Encouraging, and Knowledgable. They will willingly do EVERYTHING They can to Help You NO MATTER HOW fucked up the Problem. Dealing with WPL is comforting like Dealing with an Old Friend instead of some Pion Cog in a Massive Corporate Machine. WPL is The Best Computer Service We have EVER COME ACROSS AS WELL AS USE. We simply can’t say Enough Kind Words about WPL.
and as far as Bluehost is concerned………
Bluehost fucking sucks so fucking bad it’s like nothing We have ever encountered before. From the Lackluster Clinically Depressed sounding IT Reps to Their complete inability to preform even the simplest of Their Job Functions. The Administrators are no fucking better the lazy sacks a festering shit. All fucking Bluehost does is Apologize. It’s apparently ALL They can fucking do since They can’t fix a fucking thing.
We Have Included a Video Below By One of FYB’s Favorite Musical Oddities, and would like to Dedicate it ToThe Sad Sack Sons of Bitches over at Bluehost.
Play it Safe and Save Your Sanity BOYCOTT BLUEHOST.
By Les Sober
By Les Sober