Tag: brewery

Lee Jonitis: Professional People Watcher (18/365)

Lee awake around 7:00am and remembered He needed to get a New Job. SO Lee started His morning routine starting with a Lengthy Shower. After His shower Lee headed downstairs, turned on the Coffee Maker, Packed His Bong, and sat down with the Want Ads.

Lee wasn’t too concerned about the prospect of landing a new job as Lee had done His homework. You see with Lee’s Personal People Watching Employment Plan He had to keep one Eye on the immediate future since He only allowed 90 days per Job. So Lee had gotten in the habit of par-oozing the Want Ads on a Daily Basis to see what was currently available, and might be a Future Employment Prospect (aka a Job He’s get a kick out of having).

        

Some of the Jobs Lee had scouted Possible Prospects especially in the last couple of weeks which had yielded a Plethora of Potential. Some such Jobs were for example A Trailer Park Supervisor, A Parking Lot Attendant, and Rest Stop Night Time Security Guard. he had also contemplated working at An Exotic Pet Shop, Cigar Shop, Tattoo Parlor, Brewery, and perhaps in a Pawn Shop too.

Lee took some time to mull things over in His mind as He drank His Coffee while intermittently Hitting His Bong. When all was said and done Lee who had always been bad at making designs was No Closer to His answer than He had before. Since Lee found Himself in this hapless situation decided to copout, and use the Shitty Cliche Romcom meets Dipshit Disney Method.

       

Feeling like a suckass Sellout Lee wrote out His options on Post It Notes, and then stuck them in no particular order to the wall of His Living Room. Lee made all His Life decisions in His Living Room. Lee thought it appropriate considering the Historical Rebranding of the Living Room.

To keep it simple the History of the Living Room is as follows in a condensed version. Originally what are now Living Rooms were called Parlors as in Funeral Parlor. Times and Society changed when Undertakers Opened Mortuaries, and the Science of Embalming was Discovered. Thus Families didn’t have to Display Their dead Family Members in the From Room of Their House for Several Days before Burial (basically at Home Wake that lasted typically 3 Days).

       

It was at this time in History that The Parlor which was associated with Sorrow and Death was simply and brilliantly renamed The Living Room. The reason is simple the Room Associated with Dying would now be the exact opposite a Room for Living. Thats why Lee thought it just made sense to make major Life Decision and the like in His Living Room.

Lee had all the Post Its up on the wall at last. He then Took a Huge Hit from The Bong, Closed His Eyes, and Exhaled Slowly He threw the Dart to decide the Next Step in His Destiny.

      

Stay Tuned Kiddies for Tomorrows Thrilling Installment of………

LEE JONITIS: PROFESSIONAL PEOPLE WATCHER (19/365)

Thank for Reading,

By Les Sober

Absurdia Providing The Finest Dining in Exorbitant Opulence: The Menu’s Historical Intro

Welcome to Absurdia,

We hope you enjoy your night here with us at Absurdia where we provide the premier in the finest of fine dinning experience. Absurdia was built originally in 1414 here in Historic Trendillia Pretentious Creek, Maine.

Back in the Year 1414 The Absurdia Building was Pretentious Creek’s Major Manure Factory, and continued on as such until 1515 when what was then named The MannCox Magnificent Manure Manufacturers burned down due to accidental arson.

The Absurdia Building was rebuilt 17 years latter on the exact same site and the exact same size in 1532 were it served as the Local Village Common House where the towns folk would congregate to discuss all matter of town issues and politics.

The Absurdia Building was again transformed in 1616 when the Local Town decided to all become Haagarians (a early form of communism), and abandoned Absurdia. This time Asurdia was reincarnated as the Melvin Family Meat Packing and Butchery Warehouse.

After 88 hardworking years of back breaking toil, and undying commitment Marvin Melvin (the Patriarch of the Melvin Family Meat Packing and Butchery Warehouse) finally became famous for selling an impeccable product. MP&BW became known far and wide for Providing only the most superior steaks, and commanding cuts of meat.

It was then as soon as the Family Business was a undenied success in 1704 that Marvin Melvin immediately shut the family business down, moved back home to Illard Idaho, and spent the rest of his days fishing for Delaware River Eels.

Next The Absurdia Building was the Premier Bone Grinding Mill this side of the Mississippi in 1705. When the Industrial Fans (circa 1919) are on full force in the sweltering Summers the fans dislodge some of the still remaining caked on Bone Dust that’s compiled in compacted layers upon the buildings ceiling. This antique Bone Dust helps to enhance Absurdia’s Food’s flavor profiles, and it provides a truly once in a lifetime mouth feel. The Bone Mill sadly closed its doors in 1818 after a it was discovered by the local Authorities that the proprietors of The Bone Mill were in fact Cannibals who used the Bone Mill to dispose of the Bones of They’re Victims.

The Absurdia Building had a following streak of good luck when it purchased and turned into a Brewery in the late Winter of 1819 by The Boozy Brothers. The Boozy Brothers were German Immigrants decended from a long, and prestigious line of Master Brewers. The Boozy Brother brand of Beer was an instant success and the brewery thrived. That was until Prohibition of Alcohol was passed in 1920 causing the Brewery to close its doors, and the Boozy Brothers ended up moving to Latvia to raise Domestic Wildebeests for Their Milk.

In 1927 the Absurdia Building was used by The McShiner Clan who ran an illegal Moonshine Operation until Their main Stills ruptured during the fermentation process leading to a massive fire that burned for a week strait (fueled by all the Moonshine that had been stock piled inside over several months.) The fire was so bright it was said it could be seen from the Town of Semisuk a whole 111 miles away.

The Absurdia Building was then acquired by Cain and Able’s Biblical Sausage Company who manufactured Saul’s Devine Sausages for countless customers around the globe. The company enjoyed international success until 1938 when in a tragic turn of events Cain murdered Able over the Secret Family Recipe for Their famed Sausages.

With the end of The Great Depression the Absurdia went through several other transitions over the remaining years until Today.

In 1939 the newly renovated Absurdia Building was owned and operated as a Bierliebhaber’s Beer Hall by the one, and only Mister Ivan Bierliebhaber.  Mr. Bierliebhaber remained the Proprietor until he decided to suddenly retire when his Great, Great Grandfather was born in 1944.

The Absurdia Building then sat Vacant for a year, and became inhabited by Bums, Hobo’s, and other various Ne’er-do-wells who referred to the building as “A Home for the Homeless”.

In 1945 The Absurdia Building was bought by The State of Maine, and turned into at the Salvation Soup Kitchen employing many of its past residents as kitchen staff. The Soup Kitchen remained functional until 1955 when the Bowling For Soup Program was initiated throughout the entire State itself.

The next phase in the Absurdia Building’s long legacy started in 1955 when a growing Cured Meat company by the name of  Carnes Curadas out of Lisbon Portugal. The Carnes Curdadas was solely responsible for the introduction of Beef (and Other types of) Jerky to America.

Canes Curdadas produced over 400 different types of Portuguese Jerkies including: Beef, Venison, Chicken, Lobster, Quail, Beaver, Octopus, Badger, Bison, Trout, Jellyfish,Snapping Turtle, Alligator, Rattle Snake, Bat, Flying Squirrel, and Chupacabra for example. Carnes Curdadas moved out of The Absurdia Building to Open a Store in DisneyWorld in the spring of 1966.

In 1966 The Absurdia Building became the per project of Entrepreneurial Vincent Von Dire who envisioned it as Live Music Venue he named simply the  Psychedelic. And to this day The Absurdia Restaurant boasts the largest collection of Celebrity Vomit Stains in the Northern Hemisphere.

If you look hard enough (in fact one year the Owners of Absurdia made a Charity Scavenger Hunt using the Stains Creator as clue) you can see vomit stains from the likes of Jim Morrison, Hunter S. Thompson, Freddie Mercury, David Bowie, Robert Plant, Janis Joplin, Any Warhol, Lenny Bruce and MORE!

In 1977 The Psychedelic was forced to shut its doors when owner Vincent Von Dire accidentally overdosed by drinking 8 ounces of the extremely potent Flower Power LSD mistaking it for a Gin and Tonic.

The Absurdia Building then was reborn as Skeeter’s Roller Rink and Pinball Arcade on November 5, 1977. Skeeter’s became wildly popular especially among the local youth who were damn well tired of underage drinking followed by Cow tipping every weekend.

In 1979 two years after opening Skeeter’s owner  Jimmy “Skeeter” Watson started hosting a Town Roller Derby League featuring his own team called The Skeet Shooters (who became League Champs in 1980 through the 1985 season). This made Skeeters the number one source of entertainment in the all of Maine’s  17,017 Counties. Unfortunately what put Skeeter’s on the Map would also be its downfall.

On the Night of September 18, 1985 Skeeter’s was shut down premaritally by the Federal Authorities when a violent, and deadly Roller Derby Riot broke out and quickly spread into the fans in attendance. By the time the Police had the situation under control 1,9767 People had been crushed to death under Roller Skates, and there were 1,980 injured. The Owner was charged with “Unsafe Conditions” as well as “Inciting a Riot” before he fled persecution by running to Alaska to become a Lone Beaver Trapper living off the Land and Beaver Pelt Trade.

In the Fall of 1985 the son of previous owner Vincent Von Dire, Vladimiro Von Dire the CEO of Obscure Films Incorporated. Vladimiro turned the Absurdia Building into an Niche Movie Theater specializing in B-Horror films, Foreign Films, Exploitation Films, Banned Films, Rare Hard To Find Films, Troma Films, Cult Films, and Films by up and coming underground film makers. Vladimiro christened his Theater The Obscura Ocular.

Even though the Theater didn’t exactly appeal to the general public nor demographic it limped along for years turning a meager profit. Finally Vladimiro closed the Theater, and moved to Hell’s Kitchen NYC in an attempt to work with Independent Film Icon, and Troma Co-Founder Lloyd Kauffman.

The Last film to be shown at Obscura Ocular was a Midnight Double Feature with “Mouth Full of  Maggots” and “Inner Child Abuse” (both by Vladimiro’s estranged Father the Legendary, and highly Controversial Cult Filmmaker Vincent Von Dire) on May 8th 1991.

In July of 1991 The Absurdia Building had yet another new owner in the band Malice who converted it into Their private Recording Studio, but due to the unending volitive nature of the band, constant touring, and a mind boggling  list of Line Up Changes led to the band never actually recording a single note in the $19 million State of the Art Studio

Finally in February 1999 The Absurdia Building was bought by Leviticus Van Trundle of the Van Trundle Family Fortune. Leviticus was the consumate Glutton who’s undying passion for Food drove him to purchase the Building. He  dubbed his new establishment  Absurdia after his favorite Chef Allister Absurdia. Leviticus’s desire was to create, and elevate the Finest Foods from the Four Corners of the Earth under one magnificent roof.

But You Can Read More About That in the “Who’s Who” of the Staff here at Absurdia from our Maitre D’Resturant to Our World Class Chefs in the Following Pages of Our Menu.

Thanks for Reading,

 By Les Sober