Tag: Champagne

Stupid shit I do when I get bored

What sucks so fucking bad about boredom is its boring and is know so by all who have ever existed. The best weapon in the arsenal of entertainment is to just make your own when all else falls flat on its face like your drunk uncle. I like to believe that I have redefined the concept of self entertainment when it comes to the stupid shit I do when I have to combat bored. I’ll let you be the judge. Bring on the list lets see that motherfucker!

The stupid shit I do when I get bored list:

  • Just the other day I had bought a rubber band gun to dissuade our upiity ass new kitten from misbehaving (main offense antagonizing the fuck out of the older house cat). I decided to load the gun with as many rubber bands as I fucking possibly could so I sat there adding one after the other until I had reached maximum capacity. That night as per usual the kitten started acting like a insane idiot and I was engaged in hunting her down to adviser her to cease and desist. Well if you have ever looked for a cat you already know that cats can be elusive motherfuckers when they want to be. Ninjas don’t have shit on cats its a fact so look it up. Anyway I colluded locate her and I have no idea why (it wasn’t fucking premeditated is all) when I passed my wife laying on the couch I yelled “SNATCH SHOT!” and unloaded ever last one of the rubber bands into my wife’s crotch. She had been engrossed in some YouRube video so she was startled as fuck and none too happy.

      

  • This week while keeping my wife company while grocery shopping a boring activity if there ever fucking was one am I right? Yeah I am. Anyways as my wife was selecting a piece of cow meat we would be dinning on that evening I saw a price tag. I don’t even remember what kind of meat it was but if I had to guess it was some pork tenderloin or something similar I suppose. The price was $6.96 and agin for no rhyme or reason I suddenly hauled the hell off and punched the shit out of that pork tenderloin thing. I then picked it up and loudly announced to my fellow shoppers “696 OFFEND MY FAMILY AND INSULTS OUR HONOR!”
  • A Frequent habit I have had for a  extremely long ass time is when I’m out shopping with any doesn’t matter who the hell it is I start sneaking the most fucking random items into the cart when they aren’t looking (like a fucking cat). Then at check out I watch as they unload their shit at check out and discover my additions to their carts one by one intermediately through out the checking out process. You see you have to make sure as shit you dispense the various ass items in at different times and in different parts of the cart to fully drag the awkward confusion out.
  • Once in a while I’ll go to Dick’s sporting goods acting like an unhappy and irate customer with an ax to grind. I then when I encounter the first fucking employee I can demand that I talk to someone with authority. That means I want to talk to the biggest dick there.

   

  • I enjoy tracking down owners of Badcock Furniture Stores and inquiring why they haven’t legally changed their name from Badcock to something more flattering and advantageous. I then give examples such as Bigcock, Hugecock, Monstercock, Giantcock, Bigoldcock, or Giantcock.
  • I once in a blue moon if I’m in a store such as HomeDepot I like to wander over to the appliance section and find dishwashers, refrigerators , washing machines etc. Once I’m there I wait milling around aimlessly until no one is around and then I fart into the particular appliance.  That way hopefully when the next person opens it to check it out it smells like ass inside.
  • When it comes to farting I also enjoy walking down the aisle of a store, stopping momentarily, farting, and walking away to an observation point. So then all I have to do is watch different shopper’s reactions when they walk through it. If they’re alone they’re all “what’s that pungent stench?”or if their with other people “Which one of these people I’m with is farting the place up?”
  • I have the juvenile habit of walking past friends who are sitting so I can fart in their face and ask “So what I have for lunch?!”
  • I tell people from time to time that I’m a doctor and when they ask what kind of doctor I am I tell them I’m a doctor of doctoring. You’d be fucking surprised how many people never question that statement as it sounds like some odd ass medical shit (and we all know how odd medical shit so lets just fucking admit it).
  • I have over the years also added a second version of the being a doctor of doctoring or more like a definition as it were. I explain that a doctor of doctoring is an extremely elite specialist who only treats other doctors.

  • I have been know to call church’s in the area and ask them why they seem to be having such a hard time finding Jesus.
  • Having some telemarketing experience I will cold call people and ask then to participate in a market research survey. The survey then turns out to be some ridiculous shit like with equally stupid questions. Examples of some such questions: “Have you ever taken part in any kind of spaghetti wrestling, and if yes were the noodles Ramen noodles?!” or “If one in the hand is better than two in the bush how do you feel about this exchange rate?”
  • I am a fan of hassling pescatarians about eating fish. Pescatarians are and I quote “People who do not eat meat, but they do eat fish.” So what the fuck are they classifying fish as? Fish isn’t a fruit, it isn’t a vegetable or dairy product so what the fuck do they mean?! Fish are living, breathing, breeding creatures with a natural life cycle so if they aren’t meat WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY THEN?!!
  • I get a kick out of sending take out food from one restaurant and have it delivered to another restaurant. There’s no purpose here other than for fucking laughs. The idea of the confusion and befuddling of staff by sending a Sushi platter to a Mexican restaurant or Indian food to a Italian restaurant is the motivator.

  • I have shit in inappropriate areas like parking lots, public fountains, people’s front lawns or some other common space area. When I’m confronted for my righteous public pooping I explain I was raised by Wild Animals (the animal changes regularly) and that’s how I learned to shit. That or I explain I’m from a poor ass family in Appalachia who lived in a one room shack so we were raised to just shit outside.
  • I used to call 411 and ask irrelevant questions like “Why does my dick look like a pickle its all green and bumpy?!”
  • I have on occasion called PetSmart or PetCo’s grooming department as a possible new client inquiring about their shrives and prices. I then ask them how much would it cost for my Bearded Dragon a haircut.
  • I’ve called random New Yorkers and asked why so they such bad insomnia in Ny since NY is the city that never sleeps?!
  • Occasionally I will go into fast food restaurant restrooms, go into one of the stalls, kneel down (have to make it realistic people!), and start making horribly violent vomiting sounds.
  • A couple of times I called Catholic churches pretending to be a Child Abuse/Anti-Pedophilia Charity soliciting donations.
  • I frequently punch packaged meat in grocery stores while yelling “ADRIAN!!”
  • I once called an abortion clinic to inquire about aborting my older brother.
  • I have told (and tried to convince) people I was born I believed myself into existence.

      

  • I like to call Law Firms/ Lawyers and to inquire about filing a restraining order on the grounds of sexual harassment against myself since I’m self employed.
  • I take one of those DNA or Ancestry tests and when the results finally arrive I harass customer service over the fact the test failed to prove my relation to Bigfoot.
  • I enjoy insisting to people that if latin is a dead language than anyone who still uses it (like doctors or lawyers for example) is in fact dead.
  • Several times I have gone to the zoo for the sole purpose of flinging my feces at the monkeys.
  • When bored I indulge in my favorite hobby: Douche Spotting.
  • I have demanded to know from soccer moms why there aren’t any other sports moms like Baseball moms and all that shit?!
  • I once stood outside of a sperm bank offering people going in free samples of my sperm.
  • A few times I have gone to sex anonymous meeting and handed out condoms, lube, and Lithuanian Viagra.

    

  • One of my personal favorite things to do when I get bored is probably the easiest (and shall well say “less objectionable” selections on this list). Step One  I briskly walk up to strangers with my hand up with pointer finger fully extended. Step 2 When I reach then I look in their eyes and squint as if I recognize them, but can’t remember their name. Step 3 I open my mouth as if I’m about to say something. Step 4 abruptly I close my mouth, look away, lower my hand, and briskly walk off. Now some people may be tempted to add an addition intro phrase such as “Excuse Me….” or “I just noticed….” this is fucking stupid because the point is too leave the person confused as fuck. Once you have walked off you want the said person to wonder who you were and more over what the hell were you about to say to them. The addition of words defeats the point so yeah there’s that.
  • I tend to when I get bored go to a local food store or grocery and create a godawful fucking scene by openly debating (to the point of rage) what the difference is between a Burrito and a Chimichanga is.
  • I get a kick out of telling fellow bar patrons that my favorite specialty drink I ever had was The Pale of Champale at_____ (Insert fictional place of choice), and then explain it’s a pale like you’d see at your garden variety hardware store filled to the brim with Champale.
  • Once in a while when I get bored I make a scene in public trying to literally kiss my own ass goodbye after just receiving some serious bad news from my doctor.

  • Quite often I go to my local gym and sit around eating the most unhealthy fatty food that couldn’t possible have another calorie added to it. When the gym rats and regulars get all bent out of shape about it. When they approach me about why I’m there I can tell them I’m an amateur sumo wrestler, and that I’m in training for the next Olympics because if I win a medal I can go pro.
  • Once many moons ago when I got bored I poured a shot of some rank cheap as bottom barrel bourbon, gargled with it, and then spit it out. I them poured beer into my hand and rubbed it through my hair and beard. Then for good measure I dribbled some beer down the front of my shirt. Next I drove around town until I saw a cop at which point I start to drive erratically until they pull me over. They get one wife of the booze and yank my ass out of the car for a sobriety test which I pass with flying fucking colors mind you. The cop will gets twisted because he/she can’t understand what the hell is happening. They will inevitable ask why you wreck of alcohol but are as sober as a goddamn judge. That when I replied “Well I’m tonight’s designated distraction.” WARNING: if the cop is an unforgiving prick you can be ticked or even taken into custody for this SO DO NOT TRY THIS ANYWHERE AT ANYTIME. THERE I LEGALLY COVERED MY ASS!

 

  • I call an import/export company and export some random shit. Then I call back the next day and hire them to specifically import everyone of the exports I sent out the pervious day.
  • I have been known when I get bored to call local businesses (especially malls) who have signs stating that pets aren’t allowed accept for seeing eye dogs, and ask them who the signs are for?! I then point out that the blind person in question can’t see nor read the sign because they are fucking blind. Meanwhile the seeing eye dog can’t read the sign so maybe a fucking sign falls a little fucking short of effective.
  • I make up absurd historical facts and attempt to convince them its true. For example the crock pot was derived from the ancient crotch pot. The crotch pot was a small clay jar that people kept between their legs for 12 -16 hours to heat the food contained within. To sell this one you can site the fact that Ancient Mongolian Warriors would take a piece of raw meat, stick it between the horse and the saddle to “cook” it. Then just google it and use it as an example of primitive cooking methods.
  • I hangout at local dog parks posing as a parks department employee who has been hired by the city to scoop the dog poop at the dog park. The reason the position was created was due to the increasing incidents of people getting in fist fights with other dog owners who use the park, but don’t pick up after their fucking dog. After I explain the position I then inform whomever I’m speaking with that while I’m a official  parks employee I work for tips due to department budget cuts.

 

  • If I get bored on vacation I just load up a bunch of scuba diving gear and other aquatic gadgets and head to the nearest lake. I then get in the water and start to act like a bonafide lunatic setting ups ll kinds of weird camera apparatus and drawing a lot of attention. That way when the people around me work up the courage/nerve to inquire as to what the hell I’m up to I tell them I’m hunting the Lock Ness Monster. When they point out that I’m not at Loch Ness the lake where the Loch Ness monster is alleged to reside I claim that the Loch Ness Monster has a distinct migratory pattern. It uses this unique migration  pattern to migrate from lake to lake around the world to avoid detection. This is why no one has been able to find or present any evidence of the Loch Ness monster’s existence.
  • I am found of logging onto dating websites so I can brag that I’m depended from a long historical line of bathroom attendants.

I think that’s enough for now so…

See you later,

by Justine Sane  

Absurdia’s Billion Dollar Beer Club Selections

Welcome Dear Customer to Absurdia’s Billion Dollar Beer Club,

Below You will find a unparalleled Selection of Ten of the World’s Most EXPENSIVE BEERS hand picked by our Elite Bartender’s Bartholomew Godfry and Beatrice De Massard.

The Ten Featured Beers are not just some World’s Most Expensive Beers, but are the Only Beers deemed to uphold Our Highest Caliber of Quality.

   

In Our undying Quest to provide only the World’s Most Luxurious Experience here at Absurdia on August 8th 2000 Absurida’s BILLION DOLLAR BEER CLUB was Born. The concept is quite simple indeed.

The First Absurdia Customer to Purchase $1,000,000,000 worth of Our Exclusive Billion Dollar Beer Club Selections will Automatically WIN FREE BEER for Themselves, and One Additional Person at Absurdia FOR LIFE.

The Winner will also receive a SOLID 24 CARAT GOLD BEER MUG (weighing 2,738.4 Grams of 24 Carat Gold Valued at $112,986.35 and COVERED IN 500 ONE CARAT HAND CUT FLAWLESS DIAMONDS (Total Worth of Diamonds $3,659,500)

The Billion Dollar Beer Club Selections:

Sapporo’s Space Barley: $110 for a 6 pack of 12oz Bottles (ABV 6.0%)

Crown Ambassador Reserve: $90 for 750ml Bottle (ABV 10.2%)

Tutankhamen Ale: $75.00 for 500ml Bottle (ABV 6.0%)

Brew dog’s Sink The Bismarck $80.00 for a 375ml Bottle (ABV 41%)

Samuel Adam’s Utopias: $150.00 for a 700ml Bottle (ABV 27%)

Schorschbrau’s Schorsch Bock 57: $275.00 for a 330ml Bottle (ABV 57.5%)

Carlsberg Jacobson Vintage: $400.00 for a 375ml Bottle (ABV 10.5%)

Past Blue Ribbon 1844: $44.00 for 720ml Bottle (ABV 6.0%)

Brew dog’s The End of History: $765.00 for 330ml Bottle (ABV 55%)

 

Nail Brewing’s Antarctic Nail Ale: $800-$1,815 for a 500ml Bottle (ABV 10%)

 

Congratulations are in order for Our Current Billion Dollar Beer Club Leader Tristen Chitterlings III with a current Total of $189,357,044.01

If Absurdia acquires any Future Additional Selections for The Billion Dollar Beer Club they will be Added to the Menu Immediately, and Club Members will be Instantly informed of the New Selection(s) via Twitter.

Until then Just Relax and Enjoy 10 of the FINEST and EXPENSIVE Beer the World has to Offer.

 

Thanks for Reading,

   By Les Sober

Absurdia Menu InTro: Meet Our World Class Staff (Head Executive Chef & Sommelier)

Our Head Exclusive Executive Chef is The World Renowned Chef Jumalallinen Syo known around the Globe for His Innovative and Unconventional Cooking Style.

Syo was born on July 22, 1929 in London England Considered The Culinary Capital of The Northern Hemisphere, and is famed for being the most Important City in The World for Restaurants.

Syo’s Father Chef Guihart Guildersleeve Syo was the number one sought  after Chefs of His Time having earned 47 Michelin Stars over the course of His 47 year Career in The Culinary Arts.

    

Growing Up Syo was only permitted to Read Cook Books, and Traveled Extensively with His Father during His formidable years Studying, Learning, practicing, and honeing His Culinary Craft.

In His Travels Syo experienced The Global Palate, and upon returning Home to England opened His first Restaurant the now Legendary La Hedoniste at the tender age of 18. La Hedoniste (French for Hedonist)  Modeled itself Aesthetically after The Great Banquets of Ancient Egypt,Grease, and Rome with a truly decadent Menu to Match the Ambiance.

    

In the following Years Syo went on to Winning The Following:

The Skanji Od Kuhanja Ward (1939)  The German’s Billig Isst Competition (1942), The Chef of Chefs Contest Title (1950), The Annual Foodie Award (1999-present),  Mongolia’s Minii Iljig Idekh Grand Master Championship held Only Once in a Decade (1980) , The Independent Press Fuck Guy Fieri Award (2015-Present), and the Prestigious Oral Academy’s Ooh La-La Grant for Culinary Creativity (2012).

Syo joined The Absurdia 24 hours after it opened in 1999, and along with His Sous Chef and (4th Cousin Removed) Sir. Chauncey Wellington has been blowing the minds of Food Critics, Fanatics, and Professionals for the past Decadent Decade Elevating Culinary Cuisine to a New Level of Palatable Perfection.

Our Exceptional Sommelier Bebado Iezersana was Born April 1, 1919 at The Highly Revered Pijak VinYard which is considered by Those in the know as The Finest Vineyard in Finland.

As a Child Growing Up Bebado’s Father Afengi Iezersana only allowed Him to Eat the Various Types of Wine Making Grapes. At the young age of 9 Bebado was given His first Glass of Wine a  PIAT Les Boudots 1928 (a Bottle of PIAT Les Boudots runs for 474,000 Euros or Over $500,000 U.S. in Today’s Market.)

At the age of 9 Bebado attended The Elite French Vin Blanc Academy where he spent the next 10 years intensively studying the Various Grapes used in the making of White Wine (such as The Sauvignon, Chardonnay, and Riesling) in excruciating  depth and detail.

Once His 10 year Tutelage ended, Bebado now 19 traveled to the remote Romanum Island,Chuuk, Micronesia to take a Decade long Internship with the reclusive “Wizard of Red Wine” Pierre La Rouge.

Having Mastered all Knowledge of Red Wine making Grapes such as the Merlot or Cabernet Sauvignon for example by age 29 once again Bebado packed up His meager belongings, and continued His Educational Adventures Abroad.

Bebado’s journey then led Him to Johannesburg South Africa in search of the Champagne Prodigy, and World’s Number One Authority on the subject of any and all things Champagne Pezsgos Alom. Under the strict mentoring of Pezsgos Alom Bebado became a Bonafide French Historian who expertise was The History of The Champagne Region in France.

10 Years later Bebado had surpassed Pezsgos Alom who promptly went down into His Grand Wine Cellar, and Drank Himself To Death on some of the World’s Finest and Rarest Champagnes. His last words where:

“I am a Ship, Champagne is My Captain, and The Captain always goes down with the Ship.”

On His way to America Bebado was contacted by Barclay Grande Moccia of the Rose-Blush Institute of Pink Wine. Barclay offered Bebado a Scholarship to Rose-Blush to which Bebado replied that He rather be forced to drink Fortified Wine for the rest of His Life than give a single moment of His time with such Trendy Trash, and that Rose/Blush Wine was a Sin against Dionysus (The Roman God of Wine).

In 1973 Mr. Eddie Osterland was Awarded the First Ever Master Sommelier Certification, and instantly became Bebado’s Idol and personal Hero.

That was Until 1984 when Mr. Fred Dame became the First Person to Pass all Three Parts of the Master Sommelier Examination at Once which is known called Winning The Krug Cup (The 3 Parts are:  Part 1. Theory (Oral Not Written) Part 2. Deductive Tasting of 6 Wines. Part 3. Practical Wine Service.)

More motivated than ever by His New Sommelier Icon Fred Dame Babado recommitted Himself to a Life Long pursuit of Wine Enjoyment and Knowledge. Babado took the Court of Master Sommeliers Introductory Examination January 1, 1985 scoring a Total of 101/100.

Bebado signed up the next day for the Court’s next Examination to become a Certified Sommelier. On January 3, 1985 Bebado aced the Exam with a Record Total Score of 102/100.

Bebado Passed The Court’s Advanced Sommelier Exam (without taking the Recommended 1-2 years of Preparation) on January 4, 1985 with a Total Score of 103/100.

Finally completing His Education and Certification on January 5, 1985 Bebado took The Court’s Master Sommelier Examination Winning the Krug Cup in RECORD TIME OF 51 Minutes and 15 Seconds with a Total Score of 104/100.

Since Passing The Court of Master’s Introductory to Master Sommelier Examinations in under a Week the World was Bebado’s Oyster. Bebado had His pick of the World’s Finest Restaurants like Pretentious Pretentious, and working along side The World’s Top Chef’s such as Chef Willard Z. Dullard.

Bebado made Absurdia His Home on February 5th, 1999, and has been dazzling Our Patron’s Pallets with The Finest Wines, and Food Pairings. The Absurdia is referred to as “The House Bebado Built.”

Thanks for Reading,

 By Les Sober

F to the U to the C to the K to the Part to the 2

Some say I had a chip on my shoulder in the womb.

Others believe I was born Angry from Day 1.

As soon as I entered the World I was Raging, Railing, and Rioting against it.

Confrontation Excites Me.

I’ve made arguing into an Art Form of Fuckery.

I make people think through changing Their Perspective of the Situation.

I win by always making an Intelligent Argument. Never argue like an Idiot. Never Argue from a point of Ignorance. Stupidity is Avoidable.

I was born a fighter, Live as a Fighter, and I will inevitably Die Fighting Waring to the last second of My Life.

I’m the kind of Person that people say “I hope in Death he finds the Peace he could never find in Life.” at their fucking Funeral.

And Thus The Fucks Continue undaunted…….

Fuck Steve Harvey. Fuck Bixby. Fuck Cortana. Fuck Supremacy.

Fuck Slavery. Fuck Human Trafficking. Fuck Airlines. Fuck Rental Cars.

Fuck a Duck. Fuck Jeff Sessions. Fuck a 2 Party System. Fuck a Suck.

Fuck Guy Liner. Fuck Skinny Jeans. Fuck Porn. Fuck Manscaping.

Fuck Emojis. Fuck James Woods. Fuck TGIF, Fuck The New Full House.

Fuck Murphy Brown Past and Present. Fuck Gastronomy. Fuck Bigfoot.

Fuck The Connors. Fuck Pesticides. Fuck Smoking Tide Pods. Fuck Veal.

Fuck Faux Gras. Fuck Juggalos. Fuck Dentists. Fuck Botox. Fuck Recycling.

Fuck Minimum Wage. Fuck The 40 Hour Work Week. Fuck Outsourcing.

Fuck Automated Messaging Systems. Fuck Pumpkin Beers. Fuck Lattes.

Fuck Jocks. Fuck Gyms. Fuck Orthodontists. Fuck Funerals. Fuck Pride.

Fuck Dating Sites. Fuck Playboy. Fuck Miata’s. Fuck Mid Life Crisis.

Fuck Declawing. Fuck Tail Docking. Fuck Geraldo Rivera. Fuck White Trash.

Fuck CGI. Fuck Comic Book Movies. Fuck Avatar. Fuck Micheal Bay.

Fuck JJ Abrams. Fuck Uwe Boll. Fuck Bjork. Fuck The WWE.

Fuck Satellite Radio. Fuck The UFC. Fuck The Confederate Flag.

Fuck Tyler Perry. Fuck Medea Movies. Fuck Conservatives. Fuck Infection.

Fuck Moby. Fuck Kanye West. Fuck Simon Cowell. Fuck Twitter.

Fuck Sexting. Fuck Trump Supporters. Fuck Bigots. Fuck Racists.

Fuck Ted Cruz. Fuck MAGA. Fuck Opulence. Fuck Strip Clubs.

Fuck Chris Angle. Fuck Ghost Adventures. Fuck Self Doubt. Fuck Me.

Fuck Excessiveness. Fuck Low Self Esteem. Fuck PETA. Fuck Sea World.

Fuck Circuses. Fuck Animal Abuse. Fuck Deforestation. Fuck Polar Bears.

Fuck Heart Throbs. Fuck Teen Idols. Fuck Rolling Stone. Fuck EDM.

Fuck DJ’s. Fuck Sckrillix. Fuck Limp Bizkit. Fuck Lincohn Park.

Fuck The KKK. Fuck Skinheads. Fuck Mel Gibson. Fuck White Power.

Fuck Black Friday. Fuck Apple Stores. Fuck Apple Geniuses.

Fuck The Super Bowl. Fuck The World Cup. Fuck The World Series.

Fuck Noisiness. Fuck Meditation. Fuck Yoga. Fuck Mabneste. Fuck NASCAR.

Fuck Hot Dogs. Fuck Head Cheese. Fuck Gas Station Sea Food.

Fuck Food Poisoning. Fuck Cinco De Mio. Fuck Flag Day.

Fuck Vick’s Vapor Rub. Fuck Old Wives Tales. Fuck Superstitions.

Fuck Road Rage. Fuck Expectation. Fuck Judgmental People.

Fuck Judgments. Fuck Price Gauging. Fuck Corporations. Fuck Hippies.

Fuck Democrats. Fuck Hilton. Fuck Logos. Fuck Branding.

Fuck Traffic Tickets. Fuck Incorporation. Fuck DUI’s. Fuck Pimps.

Fuck Poaching. Fuck Human Trafficking. Fuck Women Beaters. Fuck AMHA.

Fuck Guidance Councilors. Fuck Prejudice. Fuck Auto Correct.

Fuck The Cloud. Fuck Stereotyping. Fuck Candy Crush, Fuck Trivia Nights.

Fuck Genocide. Fuck Suicide. Fuck Arrogance. Fuck Pompous People.

Fuck Cockiness. Fuck Scremo. Fuck Smashing Pumpkins. Fuck Matt Soren.

Fuck Game Of Thrones. Fuck The Twilight Series. Fuck Authority.

Fuck Menstruation. Fuck Masturbation. Fuck Rim Jobs. Fuck Grievances.

Fuck Hallmark. Fuck The 5 Day Work Week. Fuck Retirement. Fuck Softcore.

Fuck King Of The Road. Fuck Snitches. Fuck Rabies. Fuck Over Fishing.

Fuck BP. Fuck Oil Spills. Fuck “Hot Spots”. Fuck Night Clubs.

Fuck Standards. Fuck Tech Support. Fuck Regularity. Fuck Gossip.

Fuck High School. Fuck The TV Show Friends. Fuck Cartels. Fuck The NSA.

Fuck The 1%. Fuck Golf. Fuck Plagiarism. Fuck Wikipedia. Fuck PornHub.

Fuck Slut Shaming. Fuck Body Dysmorphia. Fuck The Kock Brothers.

Fuck Lines. Fuck Patience. Fuck Energy Bars. Fuck Spray On Hair.

Fuck Vanity. Fuck The Vain. Fuck Narcissism. Fuck Bernie Sanders.

Fuck White People With Dreads. Fuck Flesh Lights. Fuck the NSA.

Fuck The DEA. Fuck The Police. Fuck White People With Corn Rows.

Fuck Exclusion. Fuck Crowds. Fuck Unprofessional People.

Fuck Gym Teachers. Fuck Fruit Cake. Fuck Insincerity. Fuck Data Plans.

Fuck New & Improved. Fuck 4-6 Weeks For Delivery. Fuck Tracking Devices.

Fuck No C.O.D.’s. Fuck Minimum Spending Limit. Fuck Deductibles.

Fuck Out Of Pocket Expense. Fuck Out Patient Services. Fuck Mocktails.

Fuck Lawyer Ads. Fuck Oliver North. Fuck Pop Music. Fuck Swastikas.

Fuck Doc Martins. Fuck Cordless Phones. Fuck Flat Tires. Fuck Car Rims.

Fuck Fear Mongering. Fuck Shrinks. Fuck The Loch Ness Monster.

Fuck David Ward. Fuck Bluetooth Ear Pieces. Fuck Math. Fuck Isis.

Fuck David Duke. Fuck Rush Limbaugh. Fuck Perez Hilton. Fuck Art Thieves.

Fuck The Real House Wives. Fuck Malware. Fuck Megyn Kelly.

Fuck Innuendo. Fuck Rudy Guilliani. Fuck Laura Ingrahm.

Fuck Anabolic Steroids. Fuck Meth. Fuck Cocaine. Fuck Portland.

Fuck Sarah Silverman. Fuck Cover Charges. Fuck Rob Black. Fuck Junkies.

Fuck High School Reunions. Fuck Car Repairs. Fuck Raking Leaves.

Fuck Crackheads. Fuck Shoveling Snow. Fuck Deicing Your Wind Shield.

Fuck Angie’s List. Fuck Themed Cruises. Fuck Craig’s List. Fuck Google.

Fuck Tabloids. Fuck Paparazzi. Fuck The Phelps Family. Fuck Fear Tactics.

Fuck Hate Mongering. Fuck The Dark Web. Fuck Bitcoin.

Fuck Crypto Currency. Fuck Western Union. Fuck The Lottery. Fuck NJ.

Fuck Sweet 16. Fuck Dry Drunks. Fuck Time Shares. Fuck Celine Dion.

Fuck Over Hyping Shit. Fuck White Fear. Fuck Territories. Fuck Franchises.

FuckBigger Is Better. Fuck Name Brands. Fuck Flu Shots.

Fuck Scientologists. Fuck Elron Hubbard. Fuck Amorality.

Fuck Electric Bills. Fuck E Town. Fuck Sugar Ray. Fuck Instagram.

Fuck Vegan Food. Fuck Dietary Restrictions. Fuck Ruts. Fuck Subway.

Fuck Self Fulfilling Prophecies. Fuck Subscriptions. Fuck Megan Kelly.

Fuck Potholes. Fuck Government Cheese. Fuck Public Pools.

Fuck Gated Communities. Fuck Country Clubs. Fuck Obnoxiousness.

Fuck People Who Don’t Tip. Fuck Car Dealerships. Fuck Urinal Troffs.

Fuck Floyd Mayweather Jr. Fuck The Boy Scouts. Fuck Chain Letters.

Fuck Amway. Fuck Pyramid Schemes. Fuck Cheating. Fuck Aesthetics.

Fuck Morticians. Fuck Tank Tops. Fuck Disease. Fuck Champagne.

Fuck White Russians. Fuck Poker. Fuck Athletes Foot. Fuck Jock Itch.

Fuck Leeches. Fuck Ticks. Fuck Debt Collection Agencies. Fuck Wine Coolers.

Fuck Mosquitos. Fuck Hard Cider. Fuck Cockroaches.

Fuck Mike’s Hard Lemonade. Fuck Romantic Comedies. Fuck Tyler Perry.

Fuck Falsehoods. Fuck The High road. Fuck Ambercrombe Finch.

Fuck Strip Malls. Fuck Urban Sprawl. Fuck That’s Delicious. Fuck Nu Metal.

Fuck Glen Danzig. Fuck Allergies. Fuck Snail Mail. Fuck Tony Robbins.

Fuck People Who Don’t Pick Up Their Dog’s Shit. Fuck Pressure. Fuck Loss.

Fuck Migraines. Fuck Disrespect. Fuck Resentment. Fuck Weather Reports.

Fuck Fluff Pieces. Fuck The Food Pyramid. Fuck Editing For Time & Content.

Fuck The Movie Rating Board. Fuck Networking. Fuck Socialites.

Fuck LinkedIn. Fuck Speed Dating. Fuck 3.14. Fuck Smartphone Filters.

Fuck Posting Pictures Of Food. Fuck Aging. Fuck Beautiful People.

Fuck Youth. Fuck The Unwise. Fuck Fashion Designers. Fuck Fashion Week.

Fuck Paris. Fuck Aggression. Fuck Stress. Fuck Anxiety. Fuck Loneliness.

Fuck Valentines Day. Fuck Xanax. Fuck Trump’s EPA. Fuck Breast Cancer.

Fuck Liver Cancer. Fuck Adderall. Fuck Dr. Phil. Fuck Ephedra. Fuck Splenda.

Fuck The “Me, Me, Me!” Mentality. Fuck That We Are All Winners.

Fuck Energy Drinks. Fuck Monster. Fuck Redbull. Fuck The Supreme Court.

Fuck Oxycontin. Fuck Vicodin. Fuck Valium. Fuck Testosterone.

Fuck The Alpha Male Theory. Fuck Blame. Fuck Finger Pointing.

Fuck Perception. Fuck Totalitarianism. Fuck Communism.

AND MOST OF ALL FUCK YOUR BLOG.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Chaos & The 2 Year Career: Malice The Band That Almost Killed Us All Part 2

NOTE: Alright Reader from now on I will be using a Time Line to keep this post entertaining and no longer than it needs to be.

Feb. 5th, 1988  “Mad as Hell” Tour ends, and Gar Fisch announces he is leaving the band due to the physical toll that the Stank Breath Years had taken on his body and health. For Example due to Gar’s firecracker anal oriented antics had left Gar with a permanently prolapsed asshole.

Feb. 7th, 1988 Von Dire calls an emergency band meeting, and after several rounds of Tequila Shots and Nitrous Whip Its decided to hire a manager. They settled on Marty Trundle who immediately terminated their contract with RatFuck Records and got them signed to WhoreMonger Records a major International label.

Feb. 9th, 1988 WhoreMonger books Malice on a 6 month Festival Tour across North America and Europe. Malice celebrates with a 72 hour drug binge ending in the band being arrested for Public Intoxication, Public Nudity, and Defecting in Public.

Feb. 13th, 1988 Trundle introduced Dire, Vile, and Rage to Ex-Sleaze guitarist Eddie Sleaze as a possible replacement for Gar Fisch. The band and Sleaze bond over countless beers and lines of Cocaine. Somewhere along the way Sleaze was officially hired as Malice’s replacement guitarist.

Feb. 15th, 1988 Malice hit the road for the start of the “WhoreMonger’s Whores” Tour with their first show in Peoria Illinois at The Mental Metal Festival. The show ended early because the Fire Marshall showed up and informed the Festival Promoter the amount of Pyrotechnics Malice planned to use were considered “A Hazardous Explosive Threat”. The Promotoer facing a massive fine as well as having his entire Festival shut down radioed the Stage Manager and told him to halt any future Pyrotechnics Malice was planning to use. When the Pyrotechnics didn’t go off during the drum solo Von Dire was infuriated beyond belief.

The rest of the band seeing something serious was going down stopped playing mid song. The confused Crowd was left standing in a muddy field wondering why the show they paid for suddenly stopped during the Headliner’s set. Von Dire grabbed the Promoter by the front of his shirt and dragged him on stage to confront him. Vile, Rage, and Sleazy abandoned their instruments as they walked over to see what the fuck the deal was. A now enraged Von Dire is screaming at the top of his lungs about how no bullshit is going to fuck up his show, Malice wanted to be financially compensated for the pyrotechnics not being used, and that the Promoter he was a sniveling, slippery little shit.

Sleaze decided he felt the same as Von Dire about the situation, and did nothing but piss gas on the fire by agitating Von Dire further and further. Rage left the stage pissed off, and not wanting to deal with this shit show so he was going to get shitfaced. Vile managed to get between Von Dire and the Promoter and was struggling to keep the two men apart as now the Promoter was angry as hell about being physically and verbally assaulted by Von Dire. With things utterly out of control Vile punched Von Dire in the balls and handed him off to a Roadie. Before Vile could explain himself  (hitting Von Dire in the balls was the only way for anyone to shut him down) was hit over the head with an empty beer bottled wielded by Sleaze.

The Stage crew, Festival Security, and the arrival of the Police combined managed to get things under control, but the Festival would be rescheduled for a later date due to the uproar that tonights show. Von Dire and Sleaze went to jail for Assault and Terroristic Threats, Vile went to the Emergency Room and received 19 stitches, and Rage ended up in the ER as well for Alcohol Poisoning later that night.

Feb. 18th, 1988 Malice plays the Wisconsin “Heavy Metal Massacre” Festival. The show goes well and without incident, but after the show things got pretty fucking crazy. After their set Malice retired to their dressing room for a pre celebration party celebration. They did so much Blow that they effectively snorted themselves into cocaine psychosis, ended up at the air for, barged through a line of people waiting to board their plane, and ended up on a flight to Albany NY. Luckily Trundle made it to the air port before the plane took off, but had to have the pilot to agree to taxi around the runway. This way Trundle argued he could convince the band they in fact had completed their impromptu plane ride.

Feb. 20th, 1988 Malice shows up a day early for Salt Lake City’s “SLC Metal Mayhem” Festival in Utah. Vile went to the Bauhaus Brewery (No relation to the post-punk band Bauhaus) and managed to get kicked out for being too drunk for the brewery tour. Trundle came and picked up the heavily intoxicated Vile and drove him to the Hotel Harrison to sleep it off.

Trundle then received a call that Rage was at The Pink Pussy also drunk off his ass and had jumped up on stage to preform his own strip tease. Though the Police had been called to the scene Trundle managed to convince them to let Rage go with a drunk and disorderly misdemeanor. While Trundle was running around like a mad man trying to keep his clients out of jail, the hospital or the Coroner’s Von Dire and Sleaze took a Ferrari for a test drive and traded it for $10,000 of Crack.

Now with a fat sack filled with high quality Crack Rocks walked to the nearest Shitty Corner Neighborhood Hellhole ran up a $379 tab before the two pulled a Booze-N-Bolt stiffing the elderly bartender who called the Cops. Fueled by a serious supply of Crack Von Dire and Sleaze picked up some $2 Hookers, and got a room at the nearest Flop House Motel (You know the kind where you pay by the hour and no one snitches)

After a STD ridden sexfest Von Dire and Sleazy had literally burned through their Crack Stash opted to inject Adderall into their necks. This is when all of a sudden Trundle burst into the room. He knew where the two were at because he had placed a GPS Tracker in one Vile’s many pieces of jewelry. Trundle had done this because after 12 years in the music business he had learned how to keep track off “High Risk” Talent. Trundle took Von Dire and Sleazy to a local 24 hour Drug Detox Center and had both their systems flushed free off Narcotics.

Feb 20th Malice misses their set at the “SLC Metal Mayhem” Festival due to the band was still recovering from the partying they did the night before. When the Crowd found out Malice was going to be a No Show they began to riot tearing the venue to pieces. In a last ditch effort to end the riot without incident or Police involvement the Festival’s Promoter announced that another fan favorite The Savage Savages would be taking Malice’s spot, and there would be a free meet-N-Greet after the show. This soothed the seething fans who stopped the destruction and celebrated in jubilation. The night ended with no one getting hurt or arrested, it was nothing short of a miracle.

Feb 21st Malice arrive at “Madmen of Metal” Festival in Hoonah Alaska population 740 (571 of which were rabid Malice Fans). The Show was one of Malice’s most notorious they ever preformed. As the band launched into their number one hit “Shit Sandwich” a rouge Penguin waddled on stage. Von Dire being lit as shit on LSD and Mushrooms was completely oblivious, and accidentally kicked the poor Penguin square in the face. What no one knew at the time that the Penguin was in actuality the prized pet of an Inuit Tribal Chief who took it as a gravest of insults. The still oblivious Von Dire instructed Malice to play their unit-authoritarian anthem “Fuck’em All” in response to the angry Inuit barrage. As the Inuits fought security Malice played on further infuriating the already anger Inuits who now where well aware they were being mocked by Malice’s music.

The Inuit’s at last had dispensed of every security guard and ran up on stage, grabbed Von Dire, Sleaze and Vile, tried a rope around their ankles, attached the other end of the rope to awaiting Dog Sleds, and then told the Sled Dogs to Mush dragging the 3 musicians off into the freezing pitch black of the Alaskan night. Von Dire, Vile, and Sleaze where found 8 hours later when the Sled Dogs stopped to take 5. All 3 were treated for frost bite and hypothermia and made a full recovery in a matter of days.

Malice was charged by the State of Alaska for Animal Abuse, Desecrating Sacred Tribal Soil, and Hate Crimes against the indigenous Inuits. None of these law suites was ever settled because Malice Self Destructed before the length court process was complete. To this day no one knows how Rage avoided capture including Rage who was blackout drunk before taking the stage.

Feb 23, 1988 Finally released from the Alaskan Hospital Von Dire, Vile, and Sleaze rejoined Rage and the band departed for the Oregan’s “Masters of Metal” Festival in the town of Ashland. Before the show Sleaze had an altercation with the opening band Pisser’s drummer. Apparently Sleaze was not a fan of Pisser’s music and considered them to be Punk Rock Wannabe’s. Sleaze had spent the day insulting the band, and talking mad shit to anyone who’d listen. Then Sleaze was approached by a reporter for “Heavy Metal Magazine” for a on the spot interview about the Festival Tour thus far, and how the band was handling it. During the interview of course Sleazy used the platform to further insult Pisser claiming their guitarist Ulrich “The Urinal” Upschicker was a shitty Eddie Sleaze imitation. Sleaze went on to further claim Pisser stole Stank Breath’s musical style in a lame attempt to capitalize on Malice’s wild success.

Later that night during Malice’s encore that night Ulrich made an unscheduled and unwanted appearance. Ulrich walked determinately onto the stage waiving a Giant, Double Headed, Neon Pink Dildo, and then walked over to Sleaze. Sleaze who was already striding across the stage to see what the fuck Ulrich was doing dropped his guitar and flipped Ulrich off with both hands. Ulrich then charged at Sleaze wailing the Dildo until he got face to face with Sleaze at which point he Pimp Slapped Sleaze across the face knocking him backwards.

Rage then threw his drum sticks at Ulrich who responded by ducking the drum sticks and laughing manically at Rages attempt to thwart him. Rage then came bolting out from behind his drums like a Bull in a china shop knocking his entire drum kit off the drum stage. Once Rage hit the stage he unceremoniously tripped over part of his drum kit and twisted his ankle sending him crashing down face first through his Bass Drum.

This amused Ulrich who now was being some what restrained by Security to no end, and further facilitating Ulrich’s maniacal Laughing. fit. Sleaze at the same time was distracted from Ulrich because he was busy battling Security to get off of him. Sleaze head butted several Security Guards before breaking free long enough to run across the stage, leap over the heads of the Security Guards surrounding Ulrich, and hit him with one hell of a Haymaker. The Punch hit Ulrich with such force it knocked out Ulrich’s two front teeth. Security consolidated their efforts on Sleaze at that point as Ulrich was distracted now looking for his teeth, and hollering for a Gallon of Milk.

Vile and Von Dire scrambled around avoiding Security as a couple of Roadies managed to retrieve Rage from amid the chaos to the on site EMT Tent. Von Dire spent his time dodging Security to rile the Crowd into a fit of frenzy until the Promoter cut the mic. This didn’t stop Von Dire who continued to scream at the Crowd inciting a violent relation against Pisser and any asshole who would hire them. Vile grabbed a bottle of Whiskey from the side of the stage (and downed the entire bottle) while ducking Security who were desperately trying to end the fight between Sleaze and Ulrich. The Police showed up in full Riot Gear and started using Tear Gas to disperse the unruly Crowd sending Malice fleeing the stage. Malice made it safely (aside from Rage’s self induced sprained ankle) to the waiting tour bus, and Trundle put the peddle to the metal speeding off down the Highway words the next show.

Feb. 26th 1988 Malice had spent the last couple of days on the way to South Dakota’s “Mega Metalfest” Festival in the town of Wall on the phone doing hundreds of interviews with the press in America, Asia, Canada, and Europe. Undoubtedly Malice was dominating the music scene across every medium Televisions, Newspapers, Magazines, and Word of Mouth. By the time Malice pulled into Wall their ego’s were so inflated they cancelled their performance, and announced it was due to the fact they had become too famous to play a town like Wall (whose a year round population of 800.)

Feb 28th 1988 The final day of the Festival Circuit Malice had fired Trundle and were actively looking for new representation. They had also terminated their deal with WhoreMonger and signed instead with Razorback Records who promised they could record their first album immediately. See up to this point though Malice’s success was sizable it was built sold on their live shows, they hadn’t even recorded a single song. That nights show was wild as Malice hit the stage in high spirits and ended up playing 4 encores before showering the audience with $250,000 worth of Champaine (the Band used the entire $250,000 signing bonus with Razorback on the extravagance) Malice spent the rest of the night driving around town partying with everyone who crossed their path.

Stay Tuned for the Next Installment Of Malice The Band Who Almost Killed Us All posting NEXT after this radically surreal piece by SpaceDog.

Thank for Reading,

Les Sober