China – f-your blog

The Art Of Self Mummification

Welcome to Today’s FYB Post pertaining to the illegal Art Of Self Mummification. While the Practice of Mummification (made Famous by the Egyptians) has its Own Page in the Book of Demented History it like so many things gets Even More Extreme. And what could be more Extreme than Mummifying a Person’s Corpse? Well how about Mummifying Yourself while You’re still Alive. That was the Case in back in the Day with Certain Sects of Buddhist Monks in Japan until Emperor Meiji Outlawed the Practice along with any Forms of Suicide (even though those who Practiced Self Mummification did Not consider it Suicide) back in 1879. It’s important to Note that there was a Good Deal of Terminology So Much so that We decided (for Time and Length Purposes) to Comprise a Glossary. The Glossary is Located Below the Text for Your Connivence and Now back to the Interesting Shit. You might be Wondering What was the Practice of Someone Mummifying Themselves while Alive all about? Well let’s find out Shall We.

First off the Term used in for the Process of Self Mummification in Japan was called Sokushinbutsu which Translates to “Buddhas in Their Own Bodies.” Sokushinbutsu is referring to the practice of Buddhist Monks observing Asceticism to the Point of Death, and Preforming mummification upon Themselves while still Alive. Traditionally it was/is Believed that the Mummified Monks had entered a State of Deep Mediation rather than having Died, and that They were/are still able to Grant the Prayers of Their Partitioners. There are Cases of Other Buddhist Mummified Monks in Other Buddhist Countries especially in East Asia, but They were Mummified after Death from Natural Causes. It’s Believed that Shingon School founder Kukai was the One who introduced Sokushinbutsu to Japan as Part of Secret Tantric Practices that He had Learned while in Tang China. In Addition to that the Sokushinbutsu Ascetic Practices of Shengendo were likely Inspired by Kukai, Who was the Founder of Shingon Buddhism. Kukai ended His Life by Slowly Reducing His intake of Food and Water, Ingesting Natural Preservatives (to Aid in the Self Mummification Process), and then Stopping Food and Water intake all together while Continuing to Meditate and Chant Buddhist Mantras.

Ascetic Self Mummification Practices have also been Recorded in China, but are associated with Ch’an (Zen Buddhism) Tradition there. Alternate Ascetic Practices similar to Sokushinbutsu are also known to have Existed such as Public Self-Immolation practice in China. The Final Purpose of Shegendo is for the Practitioners to find Supernatural Power and Save Themselves (as well as the Masses) by Conducting Religious Training while Traveling through Steep Mountain Ranges to Achieve Buddha Nature. In the Mountain Dwelling Region of Japan Shugendo emerged as a Syncretism, and the Practice was Perfected Over Time Particularly in the Three Mountains of Dewa (Mount Haguro, Gassen, and Yudono).

Now We have touched on the History of Self Mummification, but as for Actual Process of Self Mummification We haven’t so Here We Go. The Practice of Self Mummification was Mainly Practiced in Yamagata in Northern Japan between the 11th and 19th Century by the Members of the Japanese Vajrayanc School of Buddhism called Shingon (which Translates to ‘True Word’). In Medieval Japan the Practice was Developed into a Specific Process for Sokushinbutsu which a Monk could Complete from Beginning to End in Approximately 3,000 Days. The Process involved a Strict Specialized Diet called Mokujiki which translates to “Eating a Tree” while Simultaneously Restricting Food. They also Slowly decreased Their Water Intake to Help Dehydrate Their Bodies and Shrink Their Internal Organs. At the End of the Process a Monk Abstained from All Food and Water relying on Pine Needles, Resins (example Tree Sap), as well as Seeds found in the Mountain Regions of Japan in Order to Eliminate All Fat in the Body. In Addition the Monks utilized Fasting and Meditation in order to Expedite the Process.

Once the Monk was Almost Diseased They were put into a Wooden Barrel and Lowered into the Ground before the Barrel was Covered with generous amount of Charcoal. The Monks would take a Small Hand Held Bell that They rang the Bell as the Chanted Buddhist Mantras until They Died. Once the Bell ceased ringing the Monks knew Their fellow Monk had indeed Died. The Body of the Now Diseased Monk was Left for in its Wooden Tomb for 1,000 Days before being Removed. Now here is the fucking Kicker out of the Hundreds of Monks Attempting Self Mummification ONLY 17 Actually Accomplished the Task. Imagine that Shit, Seriously how utterly fucked up is that We mean talk about shitty Odds. So after Enduring the Gruelingly Prolonged 3,000 Days of Continuing Agony Slowly Starving Yourself to the Brink of Death, Effectively then Buried Alive until You Die, and Once it was all Said and Done it fucking Didn’t Work.

By the End of the Process the Monks Died in a State of Jhana (Meditation) while They Chanted the Nenbutsu (a Mantra about Buddha), and Their Bodies would become Naturally Preserved from the Inside Out. The Mummified Monk’s Skin and Teeth remained intact without Decomposing with out the Use of Artificial Preservatives such as Embalming Fluid. It’s Important to Note that Many of the Existing Buddhist Mummies are Wearing Sunglass which does Seem fucking Odd. There is a Valid reason for this and the Reason is Human Eye Balls unlike Teeth/Skin Decay Away thus the Use of Sunglasses to Hide the Empty Hollow Eye Sockets. Many Buddhist Sokushinbutsu Mummies have been found in Northern Japan and are Estimated to be Several Centuries Old. Ancient Texts suggest Hundreds of Mummified Monks are Buried in the Stupas and in the Mountains of Japan (and are Revered by the Practitioners of Buddhism to this Very Day).

One of the Alters in the Honey-ji Temple of Yamagata Prefecture, which is a Prefecture of Japan Located in the Tohoku Region of Honshu, is the Home of one of the Oldest Mummies of the Sokushinbutst Ascetic named Honmyokai. There is at Least one Self Mummified Buddhist Monk named Sangha Tenzin (who was more then likely a Practitioner of Tibetan Buddhism) from the Northern Himalayan Region of India that was Confirmed to be 550 year Old. Tenzin’s Mummy can be Viewed to this Day at a Temple in Gue Village, Spiti, Himachal Pradesh. As I stated before it is Important to Note the Practitioners of Sokushinbutsu DID NOT consider the Practice as an Act of Suicide, BUT rather as a Form of Enlightenment.

Glossary:

Asceticism: The Practice of Self Discipline and Abstinence from All Forms of Indulgence Typically for Religious Reasons Spiritual Goals.

Dzogpu-Chenpo: The Traditional Teaching in Indo-Tibetian Buddhism and Youngdrung Bon that is Aimed at Discovering/Continuing in the Ultimate.

Ground: is a Primordial State that is an Essential Component of the Both the Dzogpu Tradition and Bon Tradition from the Nyingma School of Tibetan Buddhism.

Syncretisym: Is the Combination of Different Religions, Cultures, Or Schools of Thought) between Vajrayana Buddhism, Shinto, and Taoism in the 7th Century which Stressed Ascetic Practices.

Stupas: A Mound like or Hemispherical Structure that contains Relics and are Used as a Place for Meditation.

Shut Endo: A Body of Ascetic Practices that Originated in the Nara Period in Japan that Evolved during 7th Century (710-794 bc) from a Combination of a Variety of Beliefs, Philosophies, Doctrine, Schools of Thought, Ans Ritual Systems found in Folk Religions.

Folk Religions: Japanese Folklore that encompasses the Informally learned Folk Traditions, Customs, and Material Culture.

Shingon Buddhism: Is One of the Major Schools of Buddhism in Japan, and one of Only a Few Surviving Vajrayana Lineages in East Asian Buddhism.

Shinto: A Religion Originating from Japan that is Classified as an East Asian Religion by Theologians, and regarded as Japan’s Indigenous Religion.

Tao: In Chinese Philosophy is the Absolute Principle Underlying the Universe, Combing within itself the Principals of Yin and Yang and Signifying the Way, or Code of Behavior, that is in Harmony with the Natural Order. The Interpretation of Tao in the Tao-te-Ching developed into a Philosophical Religion known as Taoism.

Taoism: Diverse Tradition Indigenous to China Characterized as Both a Philosophy and a Religion that Emphasizes Living in Harmony with Tao. Tao is generally understood as being the Impersonal Enigmatic Process of Transformation Ultimately Underlying Reality.

Buddha Nature: The Potential for all Sentient Beings to become a Buddha or the Fact that All Beings already have a Pure Buddha Essence Within.

Prefecture: An Administrative Jurisdiction Traditionally Governed by an Appointed Perfect which is a Magisterial Title of Varying Definition, But Essentially refers to the Leader of an Administrative Area.

Three Mountains of Dewa: Are 3 Sacred Mountains of Mount Haguro, Mount Gassen, and Mount Yudono which are grouped together in the Ancient Province of Dewa. Haguro, Gassen, and Yudono Mountains remain Sacred in the Shugendo Traditional to this Day.

Vajrayana: Is often Translated to simply mean “The Diamond Vehicle”. Both Tibetan Buddhism and the Japanese Shingon Buddhism are Vajrayana Lineages. Tibetan Buddhism is Predominant in Tibet, Nepal, Bhutan, Sikkim, and Mongolia. It was Taught in and Continues to be Taught in China, Usually by Tibetan Masters.

Zen: is a School of Mahayana Buddhism that originated in China during the Tang Dynasty as the Chan School or the Buddha Mind School, and Later on Zen later developed into Various Sub-Schools as well as Branches. From China Chan spread South to Vietnam and became Vietnamese Thein, Northeast to Korea to become Soon Buddhism, and East Japan becoming Japanese Zen.

Self-Immolation: IS the Act of Setting Oneself on Fire and is Mostly done for Political or Religious Reasons, often as a Form of Protest or in Acts of Martyrdom. Due to its Disturbingly Violent Nature Self Immolation is Regarded as One of the Most Extreme Methods of Protest.

It is What It Is,

Presented By Les Sober

The Horror Story That Was Unit 731

Virtually Everyone knows or is Familiar with the Nazis Preforming Unthinkable Human Experiments on Prisoners of War (POW) under the Authority of Doctor and SS Officer Joseph Mengele (Know as the Angel of Death). What most People are Unaware of was the Japanese Army’s Infamous Unit 731 that made the Nazi Death Camps look like fucking DisneyWorld.

Unit 731 was a Covert Biological and Chemical Warfare Research and Development unit of the Imperial Japanese Army that Undertook LETHAL HUMAN EXPERIMENTATION during the Second Sino-Japanese War (1937-1945) of World War II. Unit 731 is Responsible for some of the most Notorious WAR CRIMES carried out by Imperial Japan. Unit 731 was based at the Pingfang District of Harbin, the Largest Gas Chamber in the Japanese puppet state of Manchukuo (Now Northeast China), and had Active Branch Offices throughout China and Southeast Asia.

Unit 731 consisted of the Following Divisions:

Division 1: Research on BubonicPlague, Cholera, Anthrax, Typhoid, and Tuberculosis using LIVING HUMAN SUBJECTS. For this Purpose, a Prison was Constructed to Contain around 300 to 400 Prisoners.
Division 2: Research for Biological Weapons Used in the Field, in Particular the Production of Devices to Spread Germs and Parasites.
Division 3: Production of Shells containing Biological Agents (Stationed in Harbin)
Division 4: Bacteria Mass Production and Storage.
Division 5: Training of Personnel.
Division 6: Equipment, Medical and Administrative Units.

Just Some of the Horrific Human Experiments Unit 731 are as Follows:

Prisoners were Deprived of Food and Water to Determine the Length of time it would take for a Person to Stave to Death.
Some Prisoners were placed in High-Pressure Chambers unit Their Eyes Popped Out from Their Sockets.
Prisoners were also Experimented upon to Determine the Relationship between Temperature, Burns, and Human Survival.
Other Prisoners were Electrocuted.
Some Prisoners were placed in a Centrifuge and Spun until Death.
Prisoners were also Injected with Animal Blood.
Prisoners were Exposed to Lethal Doses of X-Rays.
Prisoners might also be subjected to Various Chemical Weapons inside a Gas Chamber.
Some Prisoners were Burned Alive.
Other Prisoners were Buried Alive.
Some Prisoners had Horse Urine Injected into Their Kidneys.
Prisoners had Their Limbs Amputated and Resewing them to Other Stumps on the Body.
Prisoners were Injected with Syphilis or Forced to have Sex with an Infected Prisoner.
Prisoners Subjected to Vivisection without Anesthesia.
Prisoners were subjected to Frostbite Testing.
Prisoners were Injected with Gonorrhoea.

Here are just Few Unit 731 Tests in Greater Detail:

Frostbite Testing: Army Engineer Hisato Yoshimura conducted Experiments by taking Prisoners Outside, Dipping various Appendages into Water, and Allowing the Limb to Freeze. Once Frozen the Ice was Chipped away and the Area Doused with Water, Limbs brought close to the Fire and Other “Methods” used to Determine the Effect it had on Frostbite. The Effects of Different Water Temperatures were Tested by Bludgeoning the Victim to Determine if any Areas were still Frozen.
Weapon Testing: Human Targets were Used to Test Grenades positioned at Various Distances and In Various Positions. Flamethrowers were Tested on the Human Prisoners as well as Bayonets and Various Knives. Prisoners were also tied to Stakes and used as Targets to Test Pathogen-Releasing Bombs, Chemical Weapons, and Explosive Bombs.
Vivisection: Vivisections were Preformed on Prisoners (without Anesthesia and often Resulting in Death) after Infecting them with Various Diseases such a Syphilis for example. The Researchers Preformed Invasive Surgery on Prisoners, removing Organs to Study the Effects of Disease on the Human Body. These Surgeries were Conducted while the Patients were still Alive since it was thought that the Death of the Subject would affect the Results. Prisoners had Limbs Amputated in Order to Study Blood Loss. The Amputated Limbs were sometimes Re-Attached to the Oppisite Side of the Body. Some Prisoners had Their Stomaches Surgically Removed and the Esophagus reattached to the Intestines. Parts of Organs, such as the Brain, Lungs, and Liver were Removed from Some Prisoners.

In The End: 75 Years Later, the Japanese Government continues to Deny or Minimize this Part of Their Wartime Record, and Refused Demands for a Clear Admission of Guilt with a Clear Apology. The Cover-Up was assisted by the United States i the Post War Years. Rather than allow Unit 731 Research on Chemical and Biological Weapons to fall into Soviet Hands, America shielded some of the War’s Worst War Criminals in Exchange for Their Knowledge/Research/Findings. America made Similar Deals with Top Ranking Nazi Scientists at the End of World War II, and again it was to Keep the Information out of the Hands of the Soviet Union.

Thanks for Watching,

Presented By Les Sober

The Upside of SARS

Before there was the Corona Virus and CORVID-19 the World had to Worry about it was SARS. For those who may Not Know nor Remember Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome or SARS is a Contagious and Sometimes Fatal Illness Caused by a Coronavirus. SARS appeared in China in 2002 and it Spread Worldwide within a Matter of Months though it was Quickly Contained. There has been No Known Transmission of SARS has occurred since 2004.

Now that in 2020 the Entire World is Faced with the Coronavirus COVID-19 which like SARS Originated in China. This time the Chinese were Well Prepared to handle the Outbreak and Spread of COVID-19 because of Their previously having dealt with SARS. Armed with Their Prior Knowledge on How to Prevent or Slow the Spread of a New Super Virus the Chinese have set the Standard for how to Deal with the Current COVID-19 Pandemic (or Any Future Epidemic or God Forbid a Future Pandemic as Well).

The System the Chinese have is Simple and Straight forward in its Execution. Every Person who enter ANY and All Buildings are Screened and Their Temperature is Taken, and if Someone has a Fever They are Immediately sent to what is referred to as a Fever Clinic. Once Someone arrives at a Fever Clinic They are Quarantined and Tested right away. Unlike in America where Tests take 1 or 2 Days to get the Results the Chinese Fever Clinic get Their results in just 4 Hours. If a Person at a Fever Clinic Tests Positive They are again Immediately transported to an Isolated Quarantine away from the Populous. Once at said Location the Patients are Treated while in Quarantine, and once They Test Negative and with a Doctor’s Clearance are Released. This severely inhibits the said Viruses Spread keeping Casualties to a Bare Minimum as a Vaccine is Developed.

Meanwhile in America due to Trump being the Fat, Greedy, and Utterly Ignorant Cunt are 8 Weeks behind the Rest of the World in Dealing with CORVID-19. We don’t have nearly enough Tests, and the Results take up to 2 Days, We have a shortage of Medical Supplies that are Needed to Combat a Viral Outbreak at a Pandemic Level, and a State of Emergency was only called for 72 hours ago. Not to mention Trump the Vile Orange Cunt cut funding to the Center for Disease Control (CDC) and Fired the Pandemic Specialist at the CDC, HE FUCKING LIED HIS FAT FUCKING ASS OFF. He knowingly spread Misinformation, Propaganda, Conspiracy Theories, Denial, and Countless fucking Lies. Trump’s Asshole Actions Resulted in the American CORVID-19 Pandemic Crisis We are currently facing, and CAUSED THE UNNECESSARY SPREAD OF COVID-19 that KILLED AMERICAN CITIZENS .

Why You might wonder well Trump is a Fat Greedy Fucker who was willing to put Personal Profits over the American People. Cocksucker Trump didn’t want to Lose Money so He Sacrificed American’s Safety and Lives to do so. THIS IS PROOF TRUMP THE CORRUPT CUNT AND THE TRUMP ASS KISSING REPUBLICAN SCUMBAG SYCOPHANTS care more about Their Bank Account and Stock Portfolios more than America or Americans. The Punishment of Execution should be a simple and Straight Forward as the Chinese Method of Viral Outbreak Containment.

Trump The Obese Piece of Shit, His Asshole Administration, and Any/All of His GOP Supporters should be Removed from Office. Once Removed They should all be Tried for Crimes Against Humanity, Convicted, and SENTENCED TO DEATH. The Death Sentence would be Carried Out in Public (and Streamed Live) Immediately following the Verdict without a Single Appeal Provided. The Guilty are sentenced to Death by being HUNG, DRAWN, AND QUARTERED since a Quick Demise is far to Good for These Greedy Shitfucks They should Suffer First.

Thanks for Reading,

By Les Sober

Malice The Band That Almost Killed Us All Part 6

April 15th: Malice arrived at their suite at the Hard Rock Casino in Mackinaw Michigan (which back in the infamous 80’s was considered on the same creative social scale as NYC or LA.), and waited for their newly assigned opening act by their record label Razorback Records.

While they waited Malice free based a Kilo of 91% pure uncut Columbian Fish Scale while simultaneously consuming 15 cases of beer, 19 bottles of Whisky, and an ounce and a half of PCP Laced Mushrooms, and ate 7 sheets of Acid (because waiting is boring so why not party your fucking face off they figured.) Plus the bands Lawyer TR McCoy and their Manager Harold Slickmann had instructed the Band to DO NOTHING while they worked out the issues with the Band’s current Record Label Razorback Records.

As for Razorback they needed to put a tour deal together fast as fuck. Razorback Due to the current disputes with Malice over creative control had lead abrupt cancellation of the remaining Tour leaving them in the lurch like a motherfucker. They had to finish out as many of the original Tour dates as humanly possible to avoid backlash from pissed off Malice Fans.

Now due to all the drama Razorback was unhappy with Malice and that played a part in their decision to hire The Assholes.The Assholes were at the opposite side of the spectrum from Malice.

Malice was a Glam Metal Band used to the luxurious life in LA being fawned over by press and fans alike for several months and had forgotten their entire lives previous to being famous. This I think most people can agree the massively exprbinte and copious amounts of Narcotics combined with Severe Alcoholism was/is to blame for the Band’s Unique Amnesia.

The Assholes on the other hand were a Trio from the Shitty Streets of the Shittiest Slums in Swansea Wales’s poverty stricken Industrial District. They grew up broke as fuck with Father’s that slaved away in the Various Factories or Sold Drugs. They had Mother’s that Worked 3 jobs cooking and cleaning (for the elite assholes living a life of splendor in the Huge Mansion’s in the Country) or Turning to Prostitution, Drink, and Drugs.

The only issue was The Assholes were currently on a Tour of their own with their fellow band The Squatters who hailed from Leeds and had similar backgrounds as the members of The Assholes. Not to mention the group’s singers met in the drunk tank one St. Paddy’s day after grossly over indulging in an obscene display of Alcohol throughout the day.

For this particular Tour The Assholes and The Squatters had combined both bands into one collective group they were calling The Asshole Squatters.

This lead Razorback to bend over backwards and take it in the preverbal metaphorical ass to put together. First Razorback had to hire The Asshole Squatters (not just the Assholes by themselves) because their management claimed it would be easier to promote the new 2 week Tour since two thirds of the audience already recognized the name.

Second Razorback would have to Pay the Appearance fee for The Assholes, The Squatters, and The Asshole Squatters as each group would be billing them separately. Razorback would also be financially responsible for their other expenses such as Travel, Room and Board. The Assholes also demanded that Razorback reimburse everyone involved in/with the last two weeks of the Asshole Squatters Tour that would be left ass out in lieu of The Assholes embarking on the new Malice Tour.

Razorback not having a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of had to agree to any and all conditions set forth by The Assholes or The Squatters. In the end the tiny new 2 week tour cost Razorback $12.3 Million in extra expenses.

April 16th: Malice had a pre tour meeting where they met The Asshole Squatters for the 1st time over Cocktails at the exclusive Club Pretentious. The meeting was a short one. The Members of The Asshole Squatters spent most of their time chugging pints of Guinness, doing Irish Car Bombs, Rough Housing, Head Butting one another in some Bizarrely Violent Drinking Game (which they themselves had created just a couple of weeks ago while on a brilliant bender.)

Malice sat back drinking Bottomless Hurricanes (with Mescal on the side) watching their new opening act getting Raging Alcoholic Type Drunk, and snorting massive rails of Cocaine off a gaggle of clamoring wannabe Groupie’s Tits.

The 2 Bands barely spoke to each other and as for The Asshole Squatters they seemed to be mocking Malice throughout the entire ordeal. It was hard for Malice to determine if the Asshole Squatters were indeed mocking the shit out of them or was this the classic absurd comedic Wit the British were known for.

Troubled by the shitty meeting Malice’s manager Harold Slickmann sat down to discuss the matter with The Asshole Squatters Manager Sly Slapper over diner (at The Lux Barroom and Fine Eatery mind you). Slapper’s take on the situation was it was just a case of “Clashing Ego’s”and it would be no problem at all. He assured Slickmann that the Tour would be nothing less than copacetic once the Band’s Ego Issues calmed down.

This was a boldfaced lie and Slapper the slippery shit was well aware.

April 17th: To insure there wouldn’t be any further issues before the start of the tour the following day each Band’s Manager spiked ALL the Band Members mandatory morning Bloody Mary’s (which were made with 191 proof Grain Alcohol or as its more commonly known Moonshine) with a heavy dose of Horse Tranquilizers .The intensity of the Moonshine did a wonderfully brilliant job at disguising the foul taste of the ground up Horse Tranquilizers.

This effectively rendered both groups unconscious for 18 hours straight.

When the time came the Band’s Personal Medical Team would hit them with a Epinephrine Shot via an Epi Pen, and BAM everyones awake, on their feet, and energetic like a Rocket Shot up their Ass.

April 18th: It was around 11 am when the Bands began to board their respective Tour Buses each suffering from a serious Horse Tranquilizer Hangover. It wasn’t until well past Noon that the Tour was finally on the road. The first show was in Saugatuck Michigan at the Tubular Theater.

Before the show even started the problems began. When Malice arrived at the Tubular Theater they were met the first problem head on. The members of The Squatters being arrested by Immigration Officers. Malice’s managed Harold Slickmann quickly jumped of the tour bus and made a mad scramble words The Squatters manager Sly Slapper.

According to Slapper the band was being detained and deported back to England to stand trial. The Squatters were charged with 117 counts of Vandalism, 91 counts of Destruction of Private Property, 88 counts of Destruction of Public Property, 351 counts of Public Drunkenness, 57 counts of Urinating in Public, 22 counts of Defecating in Public, 117 counts of Breaking and Entering (The band had a issue with breaking into Liquor Stores after closing time in search of yet more Booze), 144 counts of Public Nudity, and 121 counts of Indecent Exposure (The band also had an issue with having sex with Fans/Groupies in Public).

To make a shitty situation even shittier the Fans(who had been waiting for 16 hours straight) out front for the doors to open were well aware of what was going on, and they were getting more riled by the minute as they watched one of the bands they came to see being arrested at the concert venue.

Malice who had extensive experience dealing with amped up and angry Fans from some disastrous concerts of their own. They immediately put a plan into action as the inevitable Riot was building rapidly. Malice gathered up their instruments and amps aboard their tour bus, called in a massive Beer Order with a local Beer Warehouse a few blocks from the show, and lastly they grabbed a duffle bag containing 5 kilos (11 pounds) of Pure uncut Bolivian Blow.

The scene outside had gotten savage as the Show Promoter had already called in the Cops. Malice Fans were pissed off at the Asshole Squatter Fans for fucking up the show, The Squatters Fans were enraged that the Band was being Arrested, The Assholes were angry about everything in general, and all the Fans were mad the Police had been called.

The high level of surging emotions had given way to pushing, shoving, insults, violent threats, minor vandalism, and the start of empty Beer bottles being thrown around in random response to the current state of affairs. The Police had called in back up and as Malice got ready to put their plan into action the SWAT Team rolled in.

Malice slowly opened the Emergency Hatch located on the roof of the Bus and crawled out onto the Bus’s Roof. They then had their Roadies hand up their instruments followed by their Amps. Malice also had their Roadies hand up several Confetti Cannons they had brought on tour. Once on top of the bus with their gear and supplies Malice started to assemble their standard stage set up transforming the Bus’s Roof into an impromptu stage.

As soon as the set up was complete Malice started playing Misfit Covers as loud as their equipment would allow. This sudden musical onslaught brought the chaos and conflict to a stand still as the stunned Fans and Police Officers alike looked on.

Malice capitalized on this by announcing that this was now a FREE Parking Lot Show and then fired off their Confetti Cannons that they had loaded up with the Cocaine. A giant white wave exploded over the Audience with a lingering cloud behind it as everyone there went fucking insane.

The Police were just happy to have the Riot haunted so they let Malice slide on the whole Huge Cocaine Cloud (and assorted shit like that) just as long as they got the fuck out of town immediately following the Parking Lot Show.

And thats exactly what they did.

April 19th: Malice was contacted first thing in the morning by their current Record Label Razorback Records. Razorback was absolutely irate about the previous night’s show which was also the first show of a ad-libbed Tour.

Malice had their Lawyer TR McCoy step in as mediator on their behalf. McCoy stated it was fucking insane that Razorback was even angry to begin with. McCoy went on to say that Malice had nothing to due with the Show going to shit. Malice wasn’t the ones being arrested, their Fans weren’t the ones pissed off by the arrest, and if it wasn’t for Malice’s quick thinking under extreme pressure in an emergency situation had in fact ENDED the Riot.

Razorback being complete and total bitches switched the topic of the conversation to what they were going to do moving forward post riot. The tour they said would continue but because of last night fiasco being blasted across national television had been forced “due to circumstances beyond their control” cancel that nights show.

Razorback sited that the change was do due to “Unforeseen Expenses” complied with the exorbitant expenses used for putting the current Tour together in the first place was putting Razorback on the verge of filing Chapter 11 Bankruptcy. And because of the severity of the situation would require Razorback’s full and undecided attention putting the Tour on the back burner for a while.

You see the unforeseen expenses Razorback incurred were from a legal dispute between Razorback and The Squatters.

The Squatters claimed that since their arrest, and subsequent deportation was due to charges that were racked up from their previous Tour. And since the charges were not related to this Tour they deserved to be paid every single cent agreed upon by Razorback and The Squatters per their contract.

Razorback had to hire a full on legal defense team of Lawyers to handle the impending Lawsuit and their Counter Suite. According to their Lawyers Razorback considered their contract null and void as soon as The Squatters violated the terms, and thus were owed jack shit as far as they were concerned.

Malice’s Lawyer TR McCoy sighted a “Conflict of Interest” on Razorback’s part as far as Malice was concerned, and was planning to take them to court over it as soon as he got back to his office. Unbeknownst to Razorback at the time was that McCoy was already well at work putting a lawsuit against Razorback on Malice’s behalf. Malice was ultimately looking to terminate their contract with Razorback Records by any means needed.

April 20th: Malice curent Unnamed Tour with the Assholes was scheduled to play The Wicked Room in Grand Marais Minnesota. Once they Bands showed up there was an empty parking lot and a massive pile of what appeared to be charred bricks mixed with assorted rubble. There was a note from the Wicked Room’s Staff addressing the issue taped to a bottle of Croatian Rum that was standing atop the pile of aforementioned bricks and rubble.

The Note Read: To Whomever it may concern,

We the loyal staff of the Wicked Room have the misfortune to inform you that the Owner of the Club (Dolt Devonshire) ruptured a gas line in the basement, and blew the Club sky high while attempting to commit Insurance Fraud. So Sorry We know this Sucks.

With the nights Fans only moments away from the defunct venue the Bands had to figure out what the fuck to do. Neither Band wanted to relive the previous nights shit show nor could they afford any more shitty press.

Then The Assholes Singer “Bloody” Sod Bollocks announced that since Malice had saved their asses last night that tonight they would be repaying the favor. In all actuality The Asshole could have give 2 shits about Malice they just thought it was a proper venue to showcase their Hardcore Thrash Punk music. That combined with the fact The Assholes were chomping at the bit to play to help vent some of their built up frustrations.

Malice decided to take their Fans in attendance that were pissed off by the fact Malice wasn’t playing to an all night drinking binge at a local Dive Bar and Shitty Strip Club Called Beef Curtains.

Even though The Assholes acted like they didn’t give a flying fuck what Malice did they took Malice’s Stripper Boozelooza as slap in the face. They thought if Malice and their sniveling Fans didn’t care about the show well fuck them and fuck that.

April 21st: Malice spent the day at the Hotel Spa recuperating from their legendary hangovers, and The Assholes spent the day Drinking and Drugging like no tomorrow.

The 2 bands met up at that nights Venue The Radical in Bayfield Wisconsin. The tension was tenable as the Bands circled one another lingering like fucking Vultures waiting for their meal to finally die.

The Assholes went on first and played their first two albums (“Fuck You and The Finger” and “The Toss Pot Teachers”) in their interiority. The Band then went on to play 3 separate encores each consisting of 3-5 songs each. The Asshole’s finally played their closing song their current hit “Fuck Me Dead”. By then they had cut into Malice’s set by a good 45 minutes or so.

Malice was furious as they took the stage 45 minutes late. Malice used the show to mainly test out the audience’s reacting to some new songs they were coming up with for the New Album they planned to record as soon as they possibly could. Malice was sure to pepper the New Shit with some of their Big Hits to keep the Fans excited.

All in all the audience response was overwhelmingly positive as far as the new material was concerned. In fact Malice’s new Power Ballad “I’d Never Call You A Bitch Baby” garnered such a response from the Fan’s that they decided later that night that it would be the first single released.

Malice celebrated all night and into the following day until that nights show.

April 22nd: When Malice’s Tour bus rolled into The Spectrum in Elkader Iowa to find that The Assholes had already arrived and were in the middle of their soundcheck.

Malice walked into their dressing room to find it Trashed, Thrashed and Totally fucked. It smelled like a Truck Stop Bathroom mixed with a well used Locker Room. Every single piece of furniture (including the trash can) was busted and broken to pieces. The Catering table was upside down which was ok because it looked as if someone shit on the food platters anyway. Not to mention their toilet bowl was on fire reminiscent of a childhood campfire.

Malice’s blood boiled as they had fucking had it with The Assholes and their shittier than shitty bullshit. Luckily before all hell broke loose Malice’s manager Harold Slickmann arrived in the nick of time to prevent a brewing Shit Storm from becoming a Category 5 Shitnado. Slickmann swore up and down that if Malice played the show he would put and end to The Assholes dilemma.

Malice begrudgingly took the stage and the crowd went buck-fucking-wild sending Malice’s spirits soaring. The show was going exceptionally well until “Bloody” Sod Bollocks came staggering drunk as 10 Sailors (on well deserved Shore Leave) combined. Bollocks slowly made his way to the side of the stage just as Malice launched into (what they believed on audience response) was their new upcoming single “I’d Never Call You A Bitch Baby”

Once Malice got to the chorus of “…I’d never call you a bitch Baby” Bollocks armed with a Military Grade Bullhorn would yell at the top of his intoxicated lungs “Because I call you a cunt!”

Malice’s more than temperamental frontman Izzy Sane let Bollocks get away with his rude interjection twice but not a third time. Sane dropped his microphone, picked up the stand, swung it up over his head with both hands, and bolted to wards Bollocks like a Meth addicted Rodeo Bull. Once Sane reached Bollocks Sane brought the Heavy Metal Base of the microphone stand down on Bollock’s head like a Sledge Hammer.

The base of the Microphone stand came crashing down and slammed into Bollock’s head right above his left eye shattering his orbital socket, severely fracturing his cheek bone, and sending his eye shooting out into the audience. Blood started to pour out of Bollock’s freshly busted open head like a deep red river. Bollocks swayed for a minute before crumpling like a piece of paper to the ground.

Bollocks was unconscious, unresponsive, and there was blood now spurting out of the large gash in his head like a mini 18 inch fountain. One of the Stage crew sprinted to the phone and called 911. By the time the EMTs had arrived Bollocks was in the throws of full blown shock. The EMTs opted due to the severity of the injury and the patient’s quickly declining condition to to fly Bollocks to the nearest head trauma unit a Trama Hawk.

On the up side Malice’s Fans were so supportive they cheered Sane as they Fans were aware of the tenuous rivalry between the two touring Bands. Unfortunately for Sane the police were not so easy going and arrested Sane for Assault, Assault with a Deadly Weapon, and Attempted Murder.

The night ended with Malice on their way back to their hotel, and their manager on his way back to the Band’s Lawyer’s Office double time.

April 23rd: Finally the Tour to end all Tours had ended as doomed from the start. The Assholes had flown back home to England as soon as Bollocks was stable enough to travel.

Malice wanted to circle the wagons so they bought a 56 room Mansion located on 66 acres (for an estimated $151 Million) in the Hollywood Hills the day they got back in town. The Band figured it actually made the most sense since until then non of the Band members past or presently..

Malice members lived in hotels or on the Tour bus while on Tour or Traveling. In their down time Davie Scum was on the worlds longest Couch Surfing Run in known History, and Izzy Sane lived with his Girlfriend (and Malice Bassist) Maxi Padd in her tiny one room Studio Apartment. Rock Harder lived in a Shitty Hellhole of a Motel down by the by the Airport called The Wayfarers located between The Drunkard Tavern and Sparkles Strip Club.

It didn’t take long for Malice to move in as the members owned next to nothing outside of their cars. Meanwhile Harold Slickmann had sold his house prior to the last Tour and went and bought a $4.5 Million Luxury Executive RV. Slickmann parked his newly acquired RV in Malice’s extensive Drive Way where he planned to live indefinitely.

The Band’s Lawyer TR McCoy opted to sell his Penthouse so he could move into Malice’s new 10,000 square foot Guest House. McCoy felt with the forth coming barrage of legal issues that were about to defend upon the Band like The Anti-Christ surfing on an Avalanche.

The Band settled on the name “The House of Malice” as the official name of their Mansion Estate and set to work coming up with customized additions to the Mansion (example: Replacing the Water in the 100s of Fountains with Armand de Brigand Brut Gold (Ace of Spades) which cost $6,500 per 6 Liter Bottle.)

April 24th: Malice received an intensely aggressive call from their Record Label Razorback Records demanding a meeting immediately in their head office in the Van Nuys neighborhood. Malice piled into the Band’s 67 foot long custom Limo along with Slickmann and McCoy in tow.

When they arrived Malice was marched directly into Brock Rock’s office. Brock Rock who was the Owner and CEO of Razorback at the time. No sooner had Malice sat down Rock came charging in infuriated beyond belief with Razorbacks Legal Team right behind him.

Razorback started the meeting guns blazing. They were basically trying to blame all their costly fuck ups on Malice so they could sue them for reimbursement.

McCoy wasn’t having any of Razorback’s spastic bullshit fireworks. McCoy told Razorback that by neglecting their client Malice’s best interests by effectively booking substandard Opening Act(s) violated the terms and conditions of Malice’s Contract.

That combined with they fact that the failed second leg of the Mini Tour had totally tapped Razorback’s Bank Accounts so they wouldn’t be able to financially survive a long ass court battle before going completely bankrupt.

Razorback ended up releasing Malice from their contract as long as all disputes between both parties were henceforth Null and Void.

Malice was now a free Agent as it were.

McCoy had a glass of 70 year old Scotch.

Slickmann immediately started fielding offers from Competing Record Labels starting a furious Bidding War.

As for Razorback they did in fact end up going bankrupt, and Brock Rock was arrested for Embezzlement, Fraud, Insider Trading, Tax Evasion, and Aggravated Acts of Beastiality.

April 25th: Malice spent the day whole up in their Mansion reviewing various and plentiful possible future contracts from damn near every record label executive there was.

McCoy and Slickmann riddled down the Contracts to a Fianl Top 3 before involving the Band.

The 3 Top Contenders were Guillotine Records a relatively new up and coming Record Label that was racking up Big Name and Unknown Acts left and right.

Another was from Spittle Sound Studios owned by D-Rockafeller Recordings Inc. who was looking to expand their catalog and appeal by breaking into new musical markets. They were basically a Major Brand Record Label in Indi Clothing so to speak.

The Final Contract was from an International Record Label called The Nation of Noise Records (who’s HQ was located in International Waters on a retired Cruise Ship). They had been around for years, but never signed any act anyone would give two shits about like the Country Disco Jug Band Legend Howie “Pork Knuckle ” Pounder.

After serious deliberation along with a crate of Whisky, 26 Cartons of Cigarettes, a Pound of High Grad Marijuana, and 8 sheets of High Test Acid on Guillotine Records signing a 5 Album Exclusive Deal.

Malice celebrated the Deal by Buying Ferraris and the hosting a Demolition Derby Party that went late into the night, and the Police only showed up 41 times for Noise Complaints and all that horseshit.

A good night was had by all.

April 26th: With a slew of new songs and material Malice and in great spirits ,and (after finally ending their troubled relationship with Razorback Records) having just signed a sweet ass deal with Guillotine Records headed into the Studio to get working on their new album.

Tragedy struck the Band once again while wailing on a wild Guitar Solo for the song “Sweet Heart, Wicked Soul” Davie Scum played so fast that his guitar caught on fire quickly consuming Scum in the blaze. Considering how flammable the cheap Spandex adorned with Chinese Dragons, and the entire bottle of Aqua Net Scum used to style his hair it was no real wonder why he combusted so quickly.

Luckily for Malice they were finished recording their new new album titled “Finding Heaven In Hell” so all that was left to be done was Editing the Recorded songs.

Malice had to pay the $17,890 cleaning bill for the Studio to clean off all the smoke stains and little BBQed pieces of flesh from the walls, floors and ceiling (Not to mention they had to Neutralize the Oder of a still smoldering Human Body)

When Slickmann heard the news he grabbed the extremely large 3 ring binder filled with Musicians Resumes he had created due to the fact Malice Members had a bad habit of dying, and granted a couple left to purse other pursuits.

By the end of the day Malice had completed their new 19 song album, edited it, lost their Guitarist to a freak guitar playing accident, and interview the top replacement Guitarists.

That night around 4 in the morning suffering from a drug fueled insomnia Malice selected their new Guitarist Stevie “The Shill” Stevenson who had played with such acts as Murder in Minutes, Killing Trolls, The Lot Lizards, and the Legendary Black Metal Band Nordic Slaughter.

April 27th: While waiting for their new guitarist Stevie “The Shill” Stevenson’s to arrive at the studio (he was flying in from his Private Island Shill Key in the Florida Keys that afternoon) Malice realized that they in fact not only recorded their new album in one day, BUT they had 87 other songs on tap.

With this revelation Malice felt they had only one choice, and that was to release a DOUBLE ALBUM. Malice then spent the morning listening to all 87 songs before selecting 22 songs that would make up the second Album titled “The Hardships of Hell”.

By the time Stevenson made his appearance at the studio Malice realized while now that the Double Album they had recorded 41 brand new tracks they still had 46 additional songs.

So Malice thought about it awhile before coming up with the idea of releasing a rare TRIPLE ALBUM, and set out selecting which of the leftover 46 songs they would use. They came together and agreed on this Albums title would be “From Heaven To Hell and Back Again” consisting of 17 songs and 4 singles. The singles the Band decided upon were “Into The Night We Go”, “After Party Freak Show”, “Dive Bar Babes”, and “Lets Get Laid”

When Stevenson arrived he pointed out that Malice still had 29 songs left at their disposal, and suggested Malice release the World’s 1st QUADRUPLE ALBUM. And of course Malice lost their fucking minds over the idea. In return for such an awesome idea Malice rerecorded the last set of 29 songs with Stevenson so he’d be credited for playing on the Album.

Malice even let Stevenson pick the name of the 4th Album and he dubbed it “Entering Heaven/Exiting Hell” sticking with the ongoing theme of Paradise and the Pit.

Malice partied into the early hours of the morning doing Actual Tequila Shots (that is they drew up Tequila in 6cc syringes and injected it directly into their veins.)

April 28th: Malice’s Quadruple Album was an instant success as rabid Fans bought out Record Store after Record Store across the country. The Media Buzz was deafening as Malice’s Phones where rigging off the hook like a real motherfucker. Reporters of kinds camped out in front of Malice’s Mansion Estate gates leading Hardcore Fans to follow suit creating a sizable tent city situation.

Malice spent the entire day lounging around Mtv hanging out, day drinking and acting as impromptu Guest VJs (not to mention banging groupies during commercial breaks or when a video was airing)

By the end of the Business Day Malice’s World Wide Album Sales totaled an estimated $976 Million. The one day success gave way to the rumor that The Chairman of Forbes reportedly shit his pants when he saw the numbers the following morning.

April 29th: Tickets for Malice’s upcoming Tour to promote their Quadruple Album went on Sale at Noon Sharp and 6 seconds later every single American Date of the Malice was completely Sold Out. Which totally blew the tits off of Guinness Book of World Records.

Now Malice was at task scheduling Shows for the subsequent following World Wide Tour. For inspiration the Band went to their Restaurant Take Out Menu drawer. After a few minutes skimming over the large collection of Take Out Menus Malice had set up dates in Thailand, China, India, Mexico,Italy, and Japan.

Malice used the rest of their spare time to practice relentlessly with their new guitarist Stevie “The Shill” Stevenson, and over indulging in Hedonistic pursuits.

April 30th: Malice went to down customizing their recently acquired Mansion and Estate. First they had a 4 operate Helicopter Landing Pads one for each of them. Next they turned 2 of their 66 archers into a Mobile Home park loaded with Triple Wides for their Friends, Roadies, Mansion Staff, or as a crash pad for party guests who were to shitfaced to drive.

Izzy was a devoted movie fan so he used 12 archers to build his own Independent Movie Studio he called Ponder This Pictures and Perverse Productions. The Studio was intended to be a stage for struggling independent film makers to help them achieve their dreams. In the end though it sat virtually unused accept for the filming of some extremely high end Homemade Sex Tapes/Full Blown Porno Flix.

Stevie took 5 archers and build a pond so that he could stock it with some of his favorite fish like Alligator Gar, Giant Snakeheads, Electric Eels, Wells Catfish, and Giant Carp just for starters.

Rock used 7 archers to build his own Amusement and Water Park complete with the motto which was “Neverland is for PopStars”.

Maxi used 1 achar to build a massive Temperature Controlled Greenhouse with a high tech Sprinkler System. She billed as an attempt at Sod Farming. She also took another 4 to built a Small Farm where she had several Cows. At night Maxi would let the Cows graze in the Greenhouse where inevitable Cows being Cow’s would crap all over the fucking place. She claimed it was a trade off of Free Cow Feed and Free Fresh Organic Manure. In reality the set up was designed to be the perfect growing grounds for Magic Mushrooms (or Shrooms for shirt).

Other custom additions included seeing up a professional fire work rig on the roof, indoor and out door shooting ranges, ATV Trails, Skate Park, Pirate Ham Radio Station, NASA Flight Simulator, Hi Li Court, installing water fountains rigged with Goldschlager (with its original Alcohol Content of 53.5% or 107 Proof), A Reptile House, 30 Run Dog Kennel, Racing Track, Driving Range (because hitting the shit out of the ball is the only fucking fun part of Golf so fuck the bullshit), Wave Pool, Bocce Ball Court, and 24k Toilets/Urinals encrusted in Gem Stones (“Crapping like a King” as their manager Harold Slickmann would say.

April 31st: Malice dedicated the day to preparing for the “Salvation and Damnation Tour” by rehydrating with IV Fluids, Laid off the Narcotics in favor of just Smoking Weed, Only Drank Light Beer, Getting 8 hour massages with 45 minute “Happy Endings”, Meditating, forgoing Sex for Blow Jobs, and Blood Doping.

MALICE: THE BAND THAT ALMOST KILLED US ALL PART 7 COMING SOON

Thanks for Reading,

Les Sober

Day Whatever THE FCK!!! Gay People Suck I’m Going BACK INTO THE CLOSET and Having a HOUSE PARTY!

Yes I am having a house party and I’m going back into the closet!!!!!

Why would one do such a thing???? Because shouldn’t I be marching in some parade next summer with my new 6 pack abs, my tan in a bottle glistening off my chiseled face, and my buttocks slightly showing it’s well formed, yet well used shape???? Because I am not like them……..ahhhhh………!!!!!!!!!!!!!FUCKADUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Should I expect any more by people who ask me what designers I wear, call me cub or bear when I’m larger or call me slut when all I’m doing is looking at someone to decide if I could possibly be attracted to them (or if I’m just doing a deathstare to figure out why I’m doing the deathstare)? By the way sorry to the guy I’ve been deathstaring at the gym, I know there are plenty of better guys to stare at but for some reason you have won the deathstare…. Enjoy it’s a privilege, not a right. 🙂

I guess I just don’t relate. I will never be one of those people that can just live in one world or the other. I live in the real world, reality, whatever you want to call it. The only time I really leave that place is when I’m drunk. If most people went to say Cabo San Lucas when they drink, I’d have to say I go to an underground prison probably in either Siberia or China. Somewhere in that next of the woods……

So maybe my expectations are too high??? Maybe it’s only like one of 100 gay people who would answer the question, “What shows have you seen lately?”, with a band or two and not have Liza Manilli included in the answer. Maybe I’m the one who is flawed, who doesn’t really see the point of gay pride parades, doesn’t watch a show obsessively because it features gay people in their various worry lines, or doesn’t have a little random flag on the back of their car (although if the lesbian didn’t take all the clever bumper stickers i may have one, but I think some random fag shoved it up his ass)…..

Anyway my expectations are not too high. They really do not even exist. I just know for some reason that I do not relate to very many gay people. I like GOOD music, not crap. I like sports, mainly baseball and football, which is two more sports then everyone but the lesbians…..I don’t parade myself around. I think I’m a homophobe.

Is that even possible? A gay homophobe? Well if it is I guess I’m the closest thing there is to one. I really do kind of live on my own plane of existence or planet or whatever the fuck you call it. For those of you that say I just need to get laid or have a drink and get over it, I’ll fuck your mom, key your car, and tie you to your bedpost and make you watch Cats for a week straight.

“Oh no I said straight. They are coming to take my gay card. Quick hide in the closet!!! Do it like Anne Frank…..and be as quiet as Helen Keller.”

“OK if they come just queff your vag, that will distract them.”

“Oh no but what I just exfoliated. What if they take my gay card give it back then want to fuck? Then what the fucknations do I do??? Wait, quick I know strap that dildo on and distract them with that while I sneak out the back. NO NO NO. They’ll be lookin’ to do me in the back. I need to hit it in the front!!!!!!”

———————————-

Kegs of beer for one for all
Bra straps like to tumble and fall
Neotrails blaze into the night
Choose the forsaken
Amen need church need jesus
Fuck that man I ain’t that uptight

Lalalalala. So ummmm can I possibly be a homophobe? I once hung out with Neonazis but I was like 16 and dumb and for some reason they didnt kill me….. Dur durrrr durrr dur dur…..

By SpaceDog

The Righteous Return of SpaceDog: She’s Having My Baby?!!

So I heard from her yesterday. I never expected the call in a million years. I’ve kept her a very well kept secret for a very long time.

Well yeah so…. this is what I have been hiding. I have been leading a double life of sorts. Only just this winter though. I mean I have a habit of enjoying living a double life, moreso it’s like isolation, then secret playtime.

So I tried to be different….

I tried it out with a girl. You know, it. I know I could use a nicer term for “it” but it was really my thing and i puked during is a bit too long.

So yeah she was pretty. I had been practicing vocal lessons….. To make my voice deeper to take out the gay or at least take out enough gay to be metrosexual in new york. Apparantly I suceeded.

WHAT THE DILLY YO???????
So those of you who personally know me, you know my phone has been off for periods ranging from anywhere from 2 days to as long as 2 weeks at a time if I get too lazy to find the damn thing. Well I kinda have a errrrrrr other phone that y’all don’t know about.

Anyway so I go one time for a few days and am in New York City. I went up originally to go out with my sister and her husband but alas there is never a normal night out for me. The less I try for sparks to fly, sexually and otherwise, the more my big mouth gets me into trouble.

Sooooo….my sister and I get Chinese. Then I go out on my own to the closest bar. My sister thinks I’m a lush so she doesn’t like when I drink around her. I wanted green liquor. I wanted to be the Hulk and have pretty green eyes but preferrably not gangrene. I prefer yellow fever.

So yeah I picked the wrong fortune cookie. I never had bought a woman a drink in my life before. (sorry ladies…. :(………

So I thought why not buy a drink for this little China woman down the bar. I got her something girly with Malibu in it or an alien secretion (which is green of course 🙂 …. So not only does she take the drink, she comes over and starts talking to me. I must have been straight in my past life or something because my bullshit lines came very naturally to me. I told her, her name was Lisa (but really it was like Ming Wong or Xiana Zu or some shit….like I remember!!!), that she looked lonely and I wanted to take her out for the evening.

She actually agreed. I was like what the hell. I wasn’t expecting this. I could have just ran…. Well then she was like let’s drink something more manly. I’m not as innocent as I look.

So we do shots of jack.
And more jack.
And more.

Then I said lets do some southern comfort.

Everything proceeded to fade to black after that.

I woke up in a hotel. I had no clue where I was. I had to look outside to see okay I’m still in an urban area, which I assumed was New York. I went to go check the mail (best way to find out where you are) and there was no mail. I looked and looked. Oh wait a bible. I’m at a hotel.

So I was in the Bronx. How the fuck I got there I have no idea. I thought to call my sister but no I’ll just find a subway, take a subway, and get the hell home.

So I did.

TODAY IS THE GREATEST DAY I’VE EVER KNOWN?????
So today I did something I normally never do. I actually answered one of those private numbers on my phone. My friends from the land of Glass Dickia have no phone anymore so I was mildly curious. It was her. I didn’t even know she had my number!!! So after going through the whole Hi Do You Know Who This Is? bullshit she drops the bomb.

I’m pregnant.

I drop my bomb.

I’m gay.

She drops the next bomb.

I know it’s yours.

Having no more bombs, I say well maybe it was a thing like you know Mary had. Maybe God came by in the night and stuck you with a turkey baster???

She was not amused.

Anyway the awkward convo went on for 5 minutes. I got off the phone. And after that I got piss drunk. And here I am……

Anyway…..I’m not even sure if I should believe this girl. I don’t know. She just seems like drama. I think I might be drama too. She mentioned if I don’t believe her to go with her on Maury. I felt like saying bitch maybe it’s his. He got that yellow fever way more then me.

So yeah I don’t know if I have been wrongly accused or not. I used to brag about getting out of sticky situations. So ummmm I suppose this is my birthday “gift”. I don’t know if I should just forget about my other phone or what the hell i should do……

I mean ladies….have you ever been wrong before about your baby daddy???? If only I smoked pot like I used to and had seed that would rather float around in the wind. My seed isn’t supposed to plant itself!!!! I’m gay!!!!!

I don’t know anymore. Life used to be so simple. I used to know who I was and what I was and what I wanted. All I know is I do not want this. OMFG!!!! I’m speechless.

SpaceDog

A Jokes Who’s Social Commentary Went From Funny To Just Plain Disturbing

I feel the following sums up the state of affairs in American under Trump The Traitor. America We Need To Unite As A Nation and Prepare For A 2nd Revolutionary War: The Politicians & The Rich Vs. The Citizens & The Poor.

A World Wide survey was conducted by The United Nations (UN).

The Question asked was: “Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of The World?”

The Suravy was a Huge Failure.

In Africa They didn’t know what “Food” Meant.

In Eastern Europe They didn’t know what “Honest” Meant.

In Western Europe They didn’t know what “Shortage” Meant.

In China They didn’t know what “Solution” Meant.

In South America They didn’t know what “Please” Meant.

AND IN AMERICA They didn’t know what “The Rest Of The World” Meant.

Thanks For The Read,

Les Sober

Murder And Mayhem At Trump’s Insidious Impromptu News Conference Of Death & Damnation

Have you ever woken up in the morning and the first though you have is that you really want to pick a fight? I have many times and today I decided the person I was to pick a fight with would be the one and only Donald Trump. I ,along with the rest of the American people , have been bombarded by Donald Trump on television, printed interviews/articles in newspapers and magazines alike, Twitter, Youtube, and even radio. I must be clear I hate Donald Trump politically and personally as he is an extremely shitty person to begin with. Now why, or for what reason do I dislike Trump so highly?
Donald Trump looks quite similar to the past 44 presidents (excluding Obama obviously). He dresses in expensive high end suits worth thousands, predominately wears red or blue ties, is a 70 year old white man, and has a rather large belly. That is where the similarities end. Trump’s unique physical characteristic being found in his ungodly fake spray tan that leaves him looking like he has the worst case of jaundice in recorded history. The second primary physical characteristic is his hair which has remained a mystery for so long it can finally been called the 8th wonder of the world.
As for Donald Trump’s personality characteristics they are truly deplorable as he seems to have a Pandora’s box of bad behavior. Trump is a narcissist of Freudian proportions who’s extreme ego borders on megalomania. Also, for being completely ignorant of the American political system, Trump is over opinionated as well as ruthlessly aggressive on every front and every platform because his unquenchable thirst for power and control are unparalleled. For a president, Trump seems ignorant of the issues and takes every negative comment as a personal attack upon his character. Trump’s immature attitude has him tweeting like a tween and seems to cater to his child-like mentality that causes him to have terrible tantrums reminiscent of a 2 year old. Trump also is a sexist who’s views are almost on par with pedophilia. He is a closet racist and blatant anti semite. Trump is not only rude and insulting, but he always remains unapologetic as he points his finger at anyone but himself.
I just so happen to live in Florida and am located so geographically close to Trump’s Mar-a-Lago mansion that when I saw he was due for another visit I decided this was my chance. I drove to the Palm Beach Post newspaper headquarters down in West Palm Beach to meet up with a buddy of mine that works for the paper. He hooked me up with an official press pass and credentials which (unless you were in the know) made me look like a legitimate reporter. I then made my way to the Trump National Golf Club also located in Mar-a-Lago where Trump was due to throw an impromptu press conference. I strolled past the news truck barricade parked directly out front and past the handful of reporters shooting pre news conference pieces. I entered the club’s front door where a large security man who scowled at my press pass before ordering me through a metal detector. On the other side of the metal detector I was met by another rather large looking security man who gave me a pat down that was so intense it was more like a massage. I made my way into the conference room and managed to finagle my way into the 2nd row front and center where I waited for my prey to enter the room.
It didn’t take long before the rest of the press personnel were herded into the conference room like cattle. About a minute later Donald Trump entered from behind a curtain lazily wandering over to the podium as he smiled with self satisfaction. Once behind the podium Trump proceeded to slowly scan the room from side to side with his classically vacant stare. The conference was a fiasco and made little to absolutely no sense at all as Trump dodged questions, made false allegations and rambled on about subjects that weren’t addressed in the news conference. After 45 minutes or so Trump finally wound down his inane diatribe and opened the floor to questions. This was my opening because to fight Donald Trump your best weapon is Donald Trump. All one has to do to pick a fight with Trump is to say anything remotely critical about him and he launches himself into a terrific tirade which surpasses self defense. He then plunges head first into full on attack mode.
By the time fourth or fifth question had been asked Trump was already leaning aggressively forward over the podium his face flushed with outrageous anger. Trump’s facial features had twisted and contorted into an insane mask of rage filled disgust and endless contempt. He was cracking quickly and I knew it was now or never. I raised my hand and was lucky enough to have him call upon me.
I simply asked the president how he plans to make America great again if his bartenders at Trump’s Bar and Grill couldn’t even make a proper cocktail? Without pausing for a millisecond I continued by explaining. A patron of his eating establishment photographed a $22 gin martini because it was served in wine glass filled with a generous handful of ice. I was some unknown brand of gin, and had a very weak looking olive.
This was the straw that broke the Donald’s back as it were. Trump started waving his hands in the air like a demonically possessed air traffic controller screaming at the top of his lungs that in fact, the world has been making martinis wrong, and Trump’s bar staff actually know the correct recipe. Thats when the shit really hit the fan as they say.
Trump’s private security burst open the conference room doors with the force of an atom bomb and came charging in like rabid bulls. Unfortunately the private security team had had a miscommunication issue as to what was happening and who they were supposed to subdue. This miscommunication led Trump’s private security personnel to engage in an all out fucking fist fight with the Secret Service who too where there for the protection of the president. Steve Bannon appeared out of no where holding a copy of “Mien Komf” which he immediately started reading in German. I wanted to punch Bannon in his white nationalist fat fucking face, but I didn’t want my hand to stink of cheap whiskey, sweat and nazi for the rest of the day. Mike Pence, being the giant pussy that he is, had been methodically backing up since the opening of the Q and A to the curtain behind the podium, which he now utilized to hide with only his expensive Italian loafers poking out from the bottom. Reporters scrambled to defensive positions tripping over each other’s camera cords, and misplaced chairs in an attempt to capture as much footage as possible. Kellyanne Conway showed up to pander to the remaining cameras and reporters jumping around like a jack rabbit on crystal meth. Kellyanne was trying in vain to convince the reporters that this was not a riot of any kind, BUT it was a rally born of over exuberance, love and support for Trump. This over exuberance had caused a spontaneous outbreak of fanatical joy and sincere celebration. Moments after appearing on the scene Kellyanne was struck violently on the top of her head in the misguided attack by a Trump supporter armed with a confiscated boom microphone. The boom microphone crashed down upon Kellyanne’s skull with such brute force it split her head in half in a volcanic explosion of blood. Kellyanne’s body wavered a second with her eyes still blinking in such a way it was reminiscent of a Hammerhead Shark before collapsing lifelessly on the floor. Just then I spotted the one person I hate worse than Donald Trump, the British journalist Milo “I will say anything or back anything outrageous for attention” Yiannopoulos who is employed by the GOP to run interference using the most vile propaganda to distract the public from the president. Milo was dressed in a British school boys uniform to accommodate his latest travesty of defending, exuding and virtually promoting pedophilia. My attention was drawn to Yiannopoulos. He was fleeing franticly towards the fire exit at the back of the room when he got knocked flat on his back by an improvised nazi salute from Bannon. I ran over to Milo and informed him I was the vice president of NAMBLA (may all members of NAMBLA be castrated and left to bleed out)and I was here to help him escape. Once Milo was on his feet again I led him to the center of the conference room directly under the industrial fan that was humming like monster truck engine.
Once we were positioned under the gigantic fan I bent down, grabbed Milo behind his legs under his buttocks, and hoisted him strait up into the fury of the fan blades. The fan blades turned Milo’s head, arms and upper torso into minced meat with a shower of blood, bone and body parts raining down upon the entire room. I dropped Milo’s mutilated and mangled carcass and looked back at Steve Bannon. Bannon had worked himself into such a fury he had triggered a massive fucking heart attack. His face as white as his KKK hood, sweating like a pig at the slaughtering house, gasping for air and clutching at his heart with his right hand while still kept on reading. Seconds later Bannon dropped to his knees, explosively shit his pants and fell over dead as a door nail, and his eyes looked like 2 fucking blowfish due to Bannon’s extremely insane blood pressure right before death. The chaos was reaching a climax when I realized if I believed in self preservation this was time to make my exit. Trump’s security had surrounded him and were ushering him out the door with great difficulty because Trump kept stopping to turn around and yell ridiculous claims such as this was a media plot to destroy and discredit him, this is part of the Liberal agenda, this was in all reality fake news, the electoral college, the boarder wall, molesting women, his bank account, Putin and how it was mother Russia marrying father America, questioning Obama’s birth certificate, China hackers that plagued the election, hair care, tanning tips, advertisements for Trump Towers/ Trump casino’s/Trump Hotels, unifying America, Rosie O’Donell, preaching he never once went bankrupt, the annoying planes that fly over his mansion, tweeting, and vast voter fraud. I ducked and weaved my way to and fro, out the conference room door into the foyer. As I made a beeline for the club’s front door I saw radio personality and Trump lover Alex Jones standing in the middle of the foyer like he was the eye of a hurricane. Jones was spouting Trump propaganda and undying support for him, like a deranged circus barker. I couldn’t resist so I got in front of him and when he opened his mouth for another decree I rammed my microphone into it, and then proceeded to jam the microphone as far as humanly possible down his throat into his esophagus rendering Jones silent as well as dead the mic cord hanging out the corner of his mouth like a wayward piece of spaghetti.

As I strode towards my car drenched in blood I thought to myself what a wonderful little riot that was.

Somethings Smells Fishy In Bejing

Ever wonder why it is that our electronic loves like smart phones, laptops,tablets etc. all come from China, but the Chinese government established insanely high prices for such devices (to the point unless your the asian equivalent of Bill Gates your shit out of luck)) insuring the general population will never own any of them. Doesn’t that seem oddly hypocritical? China exports an endless stream of electronics T.V.s, PCs etc. to America while at the same time making sure their citizens can’t access any of it?

The answer to me seems utterly obvious the Chinese know that electronic devices are extremely detrimental to the all over well being of their populous. The combination of social media, games and apps represent a very real threat, they are all key components in a technology that can quickly rise to epidemic levels and lay waste to a entire society. These devices provide a symbiotic system all of which has detrimental effects upon the people who indulge in them. We all have at this point heard the negative side effects on health and how users isolate so I’m not going to beat that dead horse, but I will take a second to say that its so modern American to acknowledge a problem and then do fuck all about it (accept perhaps to complain about it hoping some one will fix it) The big pictures bottom line is these devices affect the user so profoundly that they believe they can’t live without them or being on them constantly like a crackhead on a bender. They also distract people from the real world and real world issues as they suck the user into an abyss of escapism 24/7 365 non stop. The worst consequence of Americas addiction to all electronic devices and the social media they provide is IT MAKES YOU A FUCKING MORON. People just up and stop learning, thinking and questioning the world for themselves and devolve into a passive,mindless, vacant people devoid of individual personality and independent thought. The American public has been reduced to human cattle which the government loves, cattle doesn’t think doesn’t question they just do as their told. If this isn’t true explain how the hell Donald Trump managed to enter the presidential election?