Tag: Christmas

A Smiling Woman Christmas

This Little Slice of Holiday Hell came as a Rather Pleasant Surprise so Todays Post is A SMILING WOMAN CHRISTMAS Written and  Directed by Alex Magaña. Magana is the Writter and Director of the 6 Episode THE SMILING WOMAN Short Horror Series who has graced Us with this Little Creepy Christmas Present.

Brief Synopsis of the Smiling Woman Series: All Installments Start when a Digital Clock Display clicks over from 1:00 am to 1:01 am. The Premiss Remains the Same Throughout the SMILING WOMAN Series each Unique Installment Brings Us Closer to Discovering Who or What the Smiling Woman Is. When it comes to The SMILING WOMAN Series it Doesn’t take Long to Find its Legs and Take Off Running.

Plot: On a Late Night before Christmas, at an Empty Train Station, a Lone Traveler is Terrorized by an Ominous Smiling Woman with a Ghastly Gift to Give.

Enjoy.

CAST: Zara – Tooba Sheikh and  Laura S. Wong as The Smiling Woman

Thanks For Watching,

   Presented By Les Sober

Thanksgiving Shits And Giggles Featuring Woody Scream

Well We are Finally getting Our shit together since We got clusterfucked in-between a fucking a Surreal Road Trip and the Thankless Toils of the Thanksgiving Holidays. I’m currently working on a Post pertaining to the Aforementioned Road Trip, but it’s Slow Going since it’s such an Infuriating Story I have to take frequent breaks so I don’t Actually Punch My Computer Screen. That aside I felt the need to Address the Utter Nonsensical Onslaught of the so called Holiday Season in the Meantime. To Keep some sort of Order and Assemble some sort of fucking Sanity I will be Using the FYB Tried and True Bullet Point Format.

  • Pre Show Prep: My Wife and I have been Drafted over the Recent Years into the Unwelcoming Ranks of Holiday Responsibilities and Assorted Bullshit. So this Includes the Relentless Cleaning Up the House in Preparation of the Forthcoming Company. This obviously makes fucking Sense, and We have No Qualm with Doing. The Problem is My Micro Managing Obsessive and Franticly Stressed Mother who can make You Feel like You’re Losing Your goddamn Mind since Her Anxiety is fucking Infectious. She whips Herself up into a fucking Frenzy Running around like a fucking Lunatic starting Numerous Projects Simultaneously while Simultaneously Finishing None of Them. It’s what We unaffectionately refer to as My Mother’s Manic Host Mode where She acts like Her Life and Reputation is Teetering on the Brink if Her House isn’t Absolutely Spotless and has been Cleaned to the Highest Hospital Standards.

The Funny thing is It’s just Family Who are the Mellowest and Undemanding House Guests You can Have for fuck’s sake. My Mother seems to be Operating under some delightfully Demented Assumption that if The Family Arrives to find even a Single Speck of Dirt on the Bottom Stair (leading up to the Front Porch) It’s All Over in an Instant. As if My Fellow Family Members would Cast a Disgusted eye Upon the Psec of Dirt, Turn Around on Their Heel, March back to Their Cars, Lod up, and Yell before Speeding Off into the fucking Distance “WHAT A FILTHY HELLHOLE! SERIOUSLY FUCK YOU GUYS AND YOUR PIG STY! WE WILL NEVER SET FOOT ON THIS SOIL AGAIN AND WE DISOWN EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU DISAPPOINTING AND FILTHY FUCKERS!!!” It’s Insanity Incarnate.

               

THE KIDS: The Two Boys are Still just Shy of becoming Teenagers and as So were Willing to Speak and Interact with Us on a Consistent Basis during the Trip. Meanwhile Their Sister being 16 Years Old is Undoubtedly a Full Blown fucking Teenager. She had Her Face in Her Phone the Entire fucking Time because Her Life currently is all About Socializing and Friends, Friends, and More fucking Friends! I do have to give Credit where Credit is Due for Her Part She refrained from being the Classic Anti-Social Hormonal Horror Show Three Ring Circus of Bullshit. The Trip was Free from Conflict, Argument, Hissy fucking Fits, Screaming/Yelling, Door Slamming or Anti Adult/Authority “I am My Own Person” Self Indulgent Self Righteous Sixteen Year Old Psychodrama. So That Was A Pleasant Surprise.

The Reservation Situation: My Mother being from an Older Generation is still totally Hung Up on the Restaurant Reservation Scenario. The Problem is that Unless it’s some Super Trendy Fine Dining Hipster Restaurant or Perhaps an Old School Steak House Throw Back Dinosaur then You Don’t actually need a Reservation. Unfortunately as Time Evolved and Moved on My Mother Did Not budge an Inch. So One Night We were going out to Eat and Automatically My Mother becomes Fixated as Fuck on the Fact the Place Didn’t Take Reservations, BUT where Kind Enough as to make Note that a Party of 10 was Headed Their Way (I assume this was complete horseshoe to placate the Madness that is My Mother. Also I don’t Blame Them a Bit since My Mother is well let’s say Intense and Leave it at That.

               

As We are Driving to Said Restaurant My Mother goes into Panic Mode when My Cousin Texted “Do we need a reservation?” and that’s all it Took for My Mother to Head for the Races. The Next thing We know My Mother has Engulfed Everyone in the fucking Car into Her Web of Sheer Madness as We all Scrambled to Solve the Situation (aka Attempt Get My Mental Mother to Calm the Hell Down). Finally the whole Reservation Hullaballoo died Down Five Minutes before We got to the Restaurant. Just for the Record the Drive was 42 Minutes Long and it took only Two Minutes before My Mother got Triggered by the Innocent Reservation Question. That Means the Reservation Dilemma essentially lasted the Entire Fucking Ride.

Once We Enter the Resturant even though it’s 8:30 on a Saturday Night was like a Scene from a Shitty B Comedy Movie was Empty as Empty could be. The Only other fucking People there besides Us are the fucking Staff. That’s it just Us and the Boarded looking Staff After all the Old School Reservation busllshit Versus the New School No Reservation Needed the place Didn’t have a Single other Customer. It was so Dead in there I honestly felt fucking Bad for the Poor Waitress who just so Happened to Be the Nicest, Professional, Personable, and Kickass All Around Waitress I have Even Encountered. The way I figured it She was Financially fucked since Working at this Particular Restaurant was making Her a Damn Thing, or She was One of the Working Poor who had Several Restaurant/Food Service Jobs just to be able to Scrape By. All I hope is She finds a Better and More Lucrative Job then the Graveyard of a Restaurant where She is currently Employed.

                  

Litter Patrol: We live so Far Out in the fucking Middle of Nowhere USA that We Don’t have Trash Pick Up so No Garbage Men/Women or Trash Day. Instead We have to Haul Our own Stinky Shitty Trash down to the Town Dump (Which is Actually just a Parking Lt with a Bunch of Dumpsters line up Designated for Different Shit (Example: Plastic, Yard Waste, Metal Etc.). One of the Unfortunate Side Effects of this and People be Lazy as Fuck is there is a Real Litter Problem. Along some Stretches of Road there’s all kinds of Shit like Fast Food Containers from Places that are fucking 30-45 Minutes Away, Old Tires, Beer Cans/Booze Bottles (There so Many I swear Every motherfuckier in Town is Drunk Driving), Broken TV’s, Ratty Ass Furniture like Old Worn Out Love Seats and Shit, and a Shit Ton of Rotting Plastic Bottles.

This lead to My Mother having the Idea to Subtly Suggest that Why the Family is here that We clean up Along Some the Roads that Run Through the Vast Property. This was a Nice and Generally Well Received by All until My Mother started to get fucking pushy as Shit Pushing the Issue and Badgering Everyone. I told Her it was fucking Insane that She went fro Subtle Suggestion to Full on Demanding Compliance Immediately. First Off Not everyone Agreed to Help which was Fine and Expected, but then My Mother got bent because My Cousin wouldn’t Allow the Boys to go Out and Collect Trash on the Side of the Road because it would be Dangerous. She was and is Absolutely right on that one it is fucking Damn Well Dangerous.

                   

The Speed Limit is 55 and as You can imagine People average 65 or Higher and the fact there is Only 3-4 Police Officers allows People to Drive even More like Total Assholes. Then there are Several Blind Curves which are just begging to be the Sight of a Fatal Car Accident so again Imagine People Speeding around Blind Curves would You want Your Kid Standing There Fuck No You Wouldn’t. Lastly the Road is a Main Route for Eighteen Wheeler Logging Trucks which as We all Know take Forever and a fucking Day to Slow to a Gradual Stop.

At Last My Wife, My Cousin’s Husband (looking to escape the Chaotic Confines of the House), My Mother, and I Headed Out to Help Tidy up the fucking Roadside. Now after spending 3-4 Hours Ranting, Raving, and Being a Total Dick about the Whole Thing My Mother Collected One Bag of Trash in 15 minutes and Then Declared She was Tired and Done. The Three of Us remained and Managed to Pack 22 Trash Bags to the fucking Gills with Roadside Garbage. Not too Shabby for damn Near Forced Labor.

The Getting Ready Dilemma: This is the Asinine bullshit that I Hate the Most out of all the Family fucking Nonsense is the Getting Ready Principle. This happens Every fucking time before Every fucking thing We plan to Do when the Family is in Town. As the Deadline Approaches Family Members mingle around Idly just Killing Time fucking with Phones, watching TV, Reading a Book (Yes some of Us still Read fucking Books so Fuck You if thats weird to You), or smoother Mindless Time Wasting Activity. The Point is this getting Ready to Leave Limbo is We aren’t even Interacting with one Another while We wait. It’s like We’re all Hanging around Some Sort of fucking Waiting room for an Appointment that’s Never Coming.

One by One Each Family Member States that They have to Get Ready and then set off to Allegedly do so. I say Allegedly because though Everyone leaves under the Presence of getting Ready to Go NO ONE actually appears to actually be getting ready. This process wastes a good 45 to 60 Minutes as Nothing gets Accomplished while People Drift Room from Room like Human fucking Jellyfish. I detest Downtime I really fucking Hate it because I get Bored Easily, and I fucking Hate Boredom with a Passion so This Aimless Lackadaisical Idiocy infuriates Me to No end. Then just like a fucking Football Game after Squandering a Good Amount of Time in the Final Minutes Everyone jumps into fucking Action. Then all of a Sudden Everyone is Ready and Walking out the fucking Door so what this all Means is They can get Ready in a Timely Manner, but They Delay and Dawdle away a Hour for No fucking Reason Whatsoever. I simply Cannot get My Head Around Such Drivel.

             

Game Night Without The Kids: On One Particular Night the Kids went to Visit some of Their Other Relatives leaving the Adults Alone for the Evening. After the Drinks Started Flowing My Wife Suggested Breaking Out the Game Cards Against Humanity since We were Kid Free, and It’s I think We can All Agree Not a Game for Anyone Under 18 Years of Age (Some May Argue No One Under 21 Years Of Age). For those Who are Not Familiar Cards Against Humanity is an Adult Party Game in Which Players complete Fill-In-The-Blanks Statements using Words or Phrases Typically Deemed Obscene or Offensive in Nature.

Undeniably the Some of the Games Appeal comes from the Fact Younger Generations get a kick out of Hearing Older Generations Curse or Use Sexually Charged Language. The Assumption made by The Younger Generations is that the Older Generation will be Utterly Clueless when it comes to the X-Rated Content. The Ironic thing is the Old Generations DO know about all the Crazy Sex shit it’s They just Don’t know what it’s Being Called Nowadays (Example: Russia used to be The Soviet Union and the USSR in its Past though its Always been the Same Geographical Location).

My Cousin’s Husband remember Playing it one Time Long Ago and was Definitely in Favor of Playing that was Until We actually Started Playing. We were about 8 minutes into the Game when He started to Regret His Initial Endorsement for Playing Cards Against Humanity in the First Place. He was Consumed by Embarrassment and Tried to Avoid dwelling on certain Topics like Describing what the Sex Toy Known as the Fleshlight was to His In laws. My Wife and I were having None of It and Informed Him once the Game started there Wasn’t any Backing Down, Sugar Coating, or Skipping Over a Single Aspect of the Game. Watching My Cousins Husband Squirm Uncomfortably Blushing with Embarrassment was the Highlight of the Game as Far as I’m Concerned.

And So this Brings Us to the End of this Pos on Thanksgiving Tensions. I wanted to End this Post a Little Different from Previous Posts So I Included the Feature Video WOODY SCREAM below to Summarize My Feelings Pertaining to the Hell of the Holidays. Now On to Christmas!

Enjoy.

Thanks For Watching,

 By/Presented By Les Sober 

Happy Holidays From MeatCanyon

Welcome and yes it isn’t even Close to the holiday’s, but when have we here at FYB ever played by the rules? We sure as shit aren’t going the cliche route and posting say a halloween video on halloween for example. So that said Today’s Post is HAPPY HOLIDAYS By (and Starring) MeatCanyon.

MeatCanyon’s real name is Hunter August Hancock better know by his online user name MeatCanyon. Hancock is an American Youtuber, animator, voice actor, comedian, writer, and director who makes parody animations of popular characters (say Sponge Bob for instance). Some viewers of MeatCanyon’s animations  have been described them in just one single word “Horrifying”. A common on going gag in Hancock’s video’s is that something normal or mundane gets you killed or possible worse.

What I absolutely fucking love about this video is it makes me nostalgic as fuck let me tell you. Long before Youtube, Facebook Live, Tis Tok, Smartphones, Instagram Etc. all there was were video cameras. Growing up in a shit little town with nothing to do Les, Otto, and I we used to make absurdly stupid and nonsensical videos for our personal amusement (and to kill as much time and boredom) as we could. Thinking about it now I sincerely wish we had held on to some of those videos especially from our high school years for prosperity if nothing else.

Let the show begin!

So I’ll see you when I see you,

  Justin Sane  

WTF is Going On With Robert Helpmann?!

Welcome to Another Installment of Strange and Disturbing Videos Featuring ROBERT HELPMANN. This Series 0f 10 (Not 12 as some People Incorrectly Claim) is One Hell of a Ride so You might want to Strap in for this One Folks.

Robert Helpmann is a Youtube Channel created on July 12, 2015 which in itself is Unremarkable. What is Interest is on the Same Day The Owner(s) of the Channel Posted 10 Videos in just under an Hour after Being created, and No Other Content has Ever Been Posted Since.

          

The 10 Video Series centers around what appears for all Intents and Purposes to be a Dead Body Wrapped Up and Tied in Black Garbage Bags or Perhaps a Black Tarp of some sort. The Body is apparently Named Daisy (which some wonder if it’s a Reference to the saying “Pushing Up Daisies”) and the Name Daisy appears in Every Video, Video Description, and Tag. Some Viewers have Hypothesized that the Weird trend of Objects being Moved, and Spontaneously Popping into the Videos are signs that Daisy’s Spirit/Ghost is still Lingering about. Also lastly in the Daisy theme is that a Picture of a Daisy Flower is used as the Channel’s Icon as well.

The Other Person in the Videos appears every so often is a Masked Killer who is found of carrying a Large Butcher’s Knife. When He appears in Videos He actively interacts with Daisy some times Nurturing Her or Stabbing Her (Which seems redundant considering She is already Dead). The Unknown Masked Killer first appears in the Reflection of a Mirror so keep a Sharp Eye Out.

Now Detractor’s are quick to state that They believe the Videos are Staged because the Body or Daisy Isn’t the Size of a Human Adult. This is a Particularly Narrow View and a Rather Snap Assumption on Their part. I say this because simply Not All Dead People are Adults Daisy may very well be the Corpse of a Deceased Teenager, or a Juvenile, or perhaps it’s even more simply the Body of a Petite Woman.

Also Many People along the way have Speculated that there are More People Involved in the Daisy Video Series than just the Masked Killer and The Corpse. The Basis for this is whoever is the Typist for the Video Descriptions Never uses the words “I” or “Me” instead They use “We” and “Ours”.             

In All the Videos in the Series at one point a Screen Flashes with what looks like randomly jumbled words, but theres more to it. If You take a screen shot of Each group of Words and Overlap them You’ll see they comprise an entire Poem. As it Turns out it’s actually Not a Poem but a Children’s Nursery Rhyme Titled The Gay Lady that was first published in the Book Gammer  Gurton’s Garland of Nursery Rhymes in 1784, and is as Follows:

  • There was a lady all skin and bone;
  • Sure such a lady was never known:
  • It happened upon a certain day.
  • This lady went to church to pray
  • When she came to the church stile.
  • There she did rest a little while:
  • When she came to the churchyard.
  • there the bells so loud she heard.
  • When she came to the church door,
  • She stopped to rest a little more:
  • When she came the church within,
  • The person prayed ‘gainst pride and sin.
  • Oh looking up, on looking down,
  • She saw a dead man on the ground.
  • And from his nose unto his chin
  • The worms crawled out, the worms crawled in.
  • Then she unto the parsen said;
  • Shall I be so when I am dead;
  • O yes! O yes, the parson said,
  • You will be so when you are dead.
  • Here the lady screams.

           

The Name of the Channel Robert Helpmann if You Google it will Discover He was an Australian Actor/Dancer leading some to Believe there is a Direct Tie in. One of the things They Base this on is the Fact in the Beginning of His Career  Robert Spelled His Last Name with only One N. Robert later changed the Spelling by adding the Additional N because He was a Bit Superstitious, and He didn’t want the Letters in His Name to Add up to 13. This is just the Tip of one of the More Elaborate Theories, but it Honestly the One I Found Truly Intriguing.

There’s Actually quite a Childlike Aspect to/in the Daisy Series as a Whole. Examples include one Video Titled Hide And Seek another is about being Tucked in at Night. Also there is the Description for the Video Titled Daisy Tumble  it states “Don’t Worry Daisy We’ll Kiss It Better” which is How a Parent would relate to Their Child when They are Injured/Hurt.

           

In the Description for the Video Daisy Helps Out In The Kitchen it says “Scrumptious Meals A-Plenty!” The Word Scrumptious just Also happens to be the Name of a Family in the Iconic 1968 American Musical Adventure Fantasy Film Chitty-CHitty-Bang-Bang (Who play a Huge Role in the Film). While Robert Helpmann played Many Villains during His Acting Career including playing the Role of The Devil Four Separate Times. That Aside Helpmann’s most Famous and Well Known Role (in America and the UK) was playing the Role of the Infamous Child Catcher in Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang. Over the Years the Film has become a Part of the Holiday Tradition becoming a Classic Christmas Staple, and it’s Shown on Numerous Television Stations Every Year.

Every Daisy Video contain Music or Audio played in Reverse and in Almost Every Video it the Same Song called “Santa Claus Hides In Your Phonograph”. The Song supposed to be a Promotional Present meant to Psych Kids Up for the Holidays in the 1920’s. There are Two Exceptions and they are the Videos Daisy Unwinds along with the Video Daisy Playing. The song in those two particular Videos is Also the Same Song, but the Song is the 1925 song “I’m Gonna Charleston Back To Charleston” by The California Ramblers.

           

SO adding up the Channel Name, The Movie, the Songs in the Video’s, the Childlike Undertones through out, and the Fact the Book that the Children’s Nursery Rhyme has the Word “Garland” displayed prominently in its Title what Could it All Mean??? Well ask Yourself is it possible that Daisy Represents Christmas Itself? She’s Wrapped Up like a Present, When She Arrives in the First Video Everyone is Happy, and When in the Lats Video Daisy Leaves Everyone is Saddened and Distraught. This would be like the Excitement of it of Christmas Day Arriving and the Depressing Anti Climactic Following Day. You could also ask Yourself could the Daisy Videos be a Representation or Interpretation of the 12 Days of Christmas?

I personally side with Those Who Surmise that the Daisy Video Series is a Social Commentary on Christmas, and that Commentary is Christmas is Dead. The Heart of the Christmas Holiday used to be about Friends and Family and spending quality time with Both. Nowadays Consumerism has Corrupted the Holy Hell out of Christmas reducing it to just Pure Unadulterated Capitalism. In Short its Cash Over Christ as Greed has Commercialized Christmas to No End making it about Profits over People and Finances over Family. Christmas had been so Compromised by the Cash is King Mentality if Jesus did come back He wouldn’t recognize His own fucking Birthday Anymore. Christmas is the Ultimate Child Catcher.

Enjoy.

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Thanks for Reading/Watching,

  Presented By Les Sober (1257IMYFFY)

The Hell In Holidays

So We at the Peak aka the Worst time of the Holiday Season being Post Thanksgiving Pre Christmas. Especially this Year since the Calendar Up and Decided to fuck Us out of a Week, and subsequently Additional Paycheck by Scheduling  Christmas 3 (Not the Standard 4) Weeks from Thanksgiving. This took the Hellacious Holliday Rigamarole up a Serious Notch or Two I Didn’t Honestly think it would matter, but I was Wrong. Very Wrong.

We Apologize that New Content has been Sporadic as of Late due to The Hectic Holiday Season. We will do Our Best to Post what We can When We can between Now and The New Year. Holidays here Equal a good bit of Traveling which Only Adds to the Christmas Chaos. Posting will Resume it’s Consistency and an Increase in  Content at The Beginning of the New Year on January 2nd (since We will all be Hungover like a Motherfucker New Years Day) Thank You for Baring with Us through the Horrific Holidays.

Thanks for Reading,

  By Les Sober

Happy Holidays errrrrr maybe not so happy???

Here’s a Lost Post From The Vault.

First off before I tear a bunch of people new assholes, I would like to extend a wish for everyone that reads this (and well those don’t too, I can’t really help if you have poor taste and haven’t read my blog yet) to have a very happy holiday season. Even if holidays are not your thing and you hate gatherings and you hate people and you hate egg nog and you hate presents and you hate jesus, please have a happy something. Even if it is your miserable death.

   

Now on to bigger and brighter things. Ahhhhh the spirit of the holidays. For me this means seeing a bunch of relatives which I like and dislike to varying degrees. I can handle this. Some years I hide. Some years I show up. Some years I show up and hide by the punch bowl. Blah blah blah. If there was no holiday I would live.

But this blog is not about me. I’m done serving up my life on a fuckin’ hot plate. This is about the flaws of others. If I wanted to see my own I would take my bike down by the lake and stare at myself in the deep dark waters until I thought I could see the bottom or until my blue eyes became one with the mucky goose shit.

       

Repentance?

Repentance can be simply defined as regret. We could throw big holy words like salvation, pennance, forgiveness from sin, rosary, holy holy polka, crucifix, and Tammy Faye Baker into it but I’m not in one of those moods. We shall stick we regret for this one but one thing before I vanquish goddish words.

I’d like to give a shout out to Jesus. Happy birthday. Although we don’t have much in common other then we both like growing beards and working with wood (oh wait that was your dad, oh wait wrong kind of wood) I would like to say Happy Birthday. I’m not quite a Christian but a lot of people really love you so you are okay with me.

Now back to the show……

       

There has been a disturbing trend going recently with people I know. Between oh about Halloween and Thanksgiving a lot of people I know got all fat and happy. Chocolate here, disappearance there, cranberry here, asshole there.

Well these unnamed people (no I’m not talking about anyone in my friends list or any of my friends for that matter, there are plenty of blogs to talk about you people) have decided to try and turn in their asshole card. Perhaps this is because they are good christians or atheists or jews or good people in general. No I really do not think so.

They are looking for handouts. They are looking for a cheap gift or a cheap lay or a cheap moment of zen for their past transgressions. I’ve seen it happen on more then one occasion this time of year. I have seen it on many.

     

The holiday most of us celebrate is Christmas people!!! It’s not confessional booth. It’s not lets make everyone rush to my good side so that I can get laid when the ball drops. Maybe that’s it. Maybe they want to get it hard in the confessional booth. I’m not really sure.

I just do not understand why people need to wait for an opportune time in order to stop being jackasses. Why do we need a holiday to be nice to someone? Why do we need specific days prescribed to us to give to others? All holidays have become corporate at least there is some religious backing to these. Well I don’t know about Kwanzaa much.

       

Point being. Don’t be bought for Christmas. Don’t be bought for New Years. You may go to bed with Rudolph and his red nose under the Christmas tree but you may wake up with Pinochio and his long, growing nose firmly planted inside your ass and growing. Nobody wants that kind of sex. Then Giapeto is gonna walk in and ask you to pay a dowry.

No no no.

When people stop being total douches could someone please send me a memo? Oh no wait you are sending me a text message with some bull about Santa. Happy Holidays!!!!!!

  By SpaceDog

Growing Up & Getting Even

Phil never felt the need to grow up. Thats not to say He wasn’t aware he was going to get old and one day die because Phil was quite aware of this. For His entire childhood Phil had been told that People graduate High School, GoTo Collage, Graduate with a Degree, Get a Job, Get Married, Buy a House, Have Kids, Commit to a Career, Work, Grow old, Retire, and Die shortly there after.

This plan for ones life was absolutely unappealing to Phil. Phil didn’t want to live a Ridged , and Pre Structure Life, Phil was far too Abstract for all that traditional Social Norms Nonsense. Phil was what People refer to as a Free Spirit, a Person Who walked to the Beat of Their Own Drum, and Cut from a Different Cloth. It all inevitably  all lead to the fact most Friends/Family of Phil’s all agreed He suffered from a wicked case of Peter Pan Syndrome.

Peter Pan Syndrome isn’t a real Syndrome like Downs mind You. Its some stupid bullshit that Conformists created to define Those Who walked free from the Flock. PPS simple means that a Person for whatever reason(s) doesn’t grow up to be what is commonly called Mature.

   

The way Phil saw it Mature was just a fancy way of saying falling in line. Why should He watch what He was Saying?! Who gives a shit if something is “Not what People Do”?! Why not do something Unusual?!

Phil truly felt that if He was born a totally unique one of a kind and that there was no one exactly like Him Why would He then opt to Act, Dress, Behave,and Live Life like Everyone fucking Else?! Be a Leader Not a Lemming was Phil’s personal motto since He was 13 years old.

So Phil did in fact Graduate from High School, and gave Collage a Try. Collage was far more free flowing than High School had been, BUT Phil couldn’t seem to figure out a Educational Path to Follow.

   

Since Collage was’t in Phil’s future He did the Only Other thing He could do ACCORDING to His Parents, Family, Teachers, Guidance Counselors, and all Other Authority Figures.

It took next to No Time for Phil to realize He detested Working for Another. Phil always had a Extremely Strong Aversion to ANY AND ALL AUTHORITY FIGURES. Just like other People Phil resented Someone having the Power and control over Him, BUT unlike the Others Phil didn’t hide His feelings just the opposite.

Phil was VERY Outspoken about his Views, Opinions, and General Thinking. Phil didn’t have this fucking “Filter” as They say though Phil always thought Filters were for fucking Pools not People.

   

One Day Phil decided to relocate to Florida as He hated Cold fucking Weather with a passion, and there was nothing keeping Phil tied down as He wasn’t married, No Kids, Didn’t own a House or Business, wasn’t attending Collage, and He had come to hate pretty much everyone in His Home Town of Phukuville. Thus Phil could simple up and move with little notice or planning involved.

Once Phil made it to Florida He settled in Orlando renting a Small Apartment in a Cheaply Built Apartment Building off of Orange Blossom Trail. Phil’s crappy Apartment had one perk if You will as it was just a mere 8 minutes from Disney World.

Phil needed work quick to get some positive cash flow coming in. Phil first took a job as a Short Order Cook at a Country Themed Restaurant call The Black Eyed Pea. The Black Eyed Pea is essentially a Poor Man’s 3rd rate Cracker Barrel rip off. Phil had a blast partying with His coworkers, BUT inevitably Phil ended up Quitting on the Spot on Day due to the fact He felt the Manager was just being a dick for the sake of being a dick.

   

Phil then took a Job as a Telemarketer and absolutely hated everything about the Job. His employer was some vaguely shady company with a token cliche name referencing America. The hours were odd, and the pay was less than appealing. Phil didn’t speak to His coworkers as He felt They were all fucking Basket Cases, had legit Mental Health issues, had Drug issues, or some sort of unscrupulous Scumshit (a Low Life Piece of Shit).

When Phil got so sick of the Job that He wanted to Burn the fucking Call Center Down decided to just never go back fuck’em. After that Phil eked by one His meager savings, and small loans from Family Members. Finally the Bank Account ran dry and there was No More Family to ask for a Loan Phil had a moment of clarity.

Phil went out bright and early the next morning to purchase a Newspaper. Phil then went home and proceeded to open the paper to the Classifieds where something absolutely amazing. Phil saw an Advertisement for Help Wanted at Disney World, and this NEVER HAPPENS. The reason that a Help Wanted ad was so rare it was like spotting a fucking Bigfoot riding on the back of a Unicorn was this.

First and foremost NO ONE currently Employed by Disney World would quite unless They HAD NO OTHER CHOICE BUT TO DO SO. Why You ask? Simple. Disney World payed REALLY WELL and the Benefits were fucking UNREAL. Second the rarest of occasions that a Job at Disney World did open up it was filled almost instantly. Hiring at Disney World is identical to the Auditions for American fucking Idol as in HUNDREDS of People Apply.

Taking the Want add as a sign Phil boarded the first Bus headed to Disney World. Once Phil arrived it took Him 90 fucking minutes to locate where the Hiring Office actually was as Disney World is Big as Hell.

   

In spite of the massive delay in locating the Hiring Office Phil was the first one there as the Office was just opening. Phil was released as he had hailed ass through the Parks and all because as He was looking for the Hiring Office He say a multitude of Other People doing the same. Perhaps this was part of the Hiring Process Phil wondered as sometimes Employers do weird shit like that to see You is determined and Who preservers.

The Job was for a Wild West Restaurant Actor which was described to Phil in the following way. There was a Huge Wild West Themed Restaurant in one of the several Disney World Parks that had Actors working there in addition to the Servers and Kitchen Staff. Actors/Actresses dressed as Cowboys in 18th century Wild West Attire and Acted out various Storylines.

   

NOW THIS WAS NO DINNER THEATER At Least NOT in the Conventional Sense. Unlike normal Dinner Theaters were Dinners filled a Dinning room and the Actors put on They’re performance on a Stage. There was No Stage at the Wild West Restaurant.

Instead the Actors and Actresses preformed the set Stories/Story Lines while roaming through out the Entire Restaurant among the Dinners. And this being a Wild West Theme there were Bank Robberies, Foot Chases, Ho Downs, Town Meetings, and Yes Gun Fights happening around the Visitors as They ate.

Phil aced the interview which was far from surprising as Phil was blessed with the Gift of Gab,and could seriously turn up the Charm when He needed too. Phil was given the Job as “Cowboy ” who would do all sort of cool things from playing Poker at a Table mixed in with the Diners or Having full blow Gun Fights. The Roles He’s play would change Daily to keep it fresh for the Visitors and more Interesting for Actors and Actresses.

   

Time ticked by as the weeks turned into Months and Phil feel head over heels for His official Job as a Fictional Cowboy. He had money in the Bank. He moved to a much nicer (but still cheaply constructed) 2 Bedroom Town House. He bought a New Car. Life was good.

Christmas came around and for the very first time in Phil’s life he mailed out Christmas cards. Phil had never put much thought into shit like Christmas Cards because they didn’t register as important a thing as they did for other People. So Phil hit up the local Hallmark Store and bought a slew of Christmas Cards.

Phil headed home and started filling out the Christmas Cards He had purchased to send to ALL His Friends and Family back home as well as Several Other Key People (one being for example His High School Principle Mr. Witless) As soon as He was done the last one Phil mailed them immediately without hesitation.

   

When Phil’s Seasons Greeting Christmas Cards arrived to His Entire Family, Every One of His Friends, and Some Others (His first Boss Dick Pickler from Samuel Goody’s a Chain of Commercial Record Stores) They all happily oped the envelope, opened the card, took a deep breath, and read…..

Hello and Happy Holidays Assholes,

For years You all told Me relentlessly time and time again to Grow up, Act My Age and Get a Job. Well I’m a full grown Adult now ,and I have a full time Job with Excellent Pay/Benefits.

What is My Job? What do I Do?

I dress up in a Authentic Cowboy Costume and Play Cowboys & Indians for 12 hours 4 fucking Days a week. Thats what the fuck I do for a Living so Fuck Your Bad Advice, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year Shitheads!

  See Ya Later PHIL!

Thanks for Reading,

   By Les Sober

Flags, Days, and Ideas

So I do not have any idea how I came across this little tidbit I thought I would share. I find most things on the internet in a very random fashion. I think I was looking up British things, or British slang, or British boys, or text messaging abbreviations or what not.

Well actually it probably was something more like looked at a porn. The guys name was chris. Looked up christmas next. Singing christmas carols to myself. What holiday is today? That timeline is a bit too structure though. Probably was more like hearing lyrics in a song which brought up a random emotion I had to look into.

Law Day????

So yes Happy Law Day! Oh and loyalty day as well. Both holidays which were put into place by President Eisenhower. While the rest of the world has festivities to celebrate International Labour Day, we have Law Day.

Apparantly our president thought that these holidays were communist in nature. The exact reasoning behind this I have no idea, however this is from the party that brought us Freedom Fries, global hatred, and the great depression. So why not try to make us different from the rest of the world??

I mean if we want to get really conservative about things maybe then we shouldn’t really be allies with England. I mean you know we did war against them in the 18th century.

Or maybe we should reverse Jim Crow or teach more intolerance to our children under the guise of religion.

Loyalty Day????

As for Loyality Day, I have nothing against this one. If it means pledge of allegiances to the flag 100 times while standing on one’s head by all means do it.

However I think this holiday is rather dumb and repetitive. Shouldn’t we be loyal everyday of the year? I mean it falls along the same lines as Mother’s Day for me. I cherish and love my mother dearly but do I really need a special day set aside for me by Hallmark to buy her a card and some flowers???? I think it just gives stupid people a reason to be an ass 364 days of the year and then suddenly swoop down in their blazes of glory like some great big hero.

Yeah, hero of the douchebags.

Recommendations

So as my recommendations for this day, there are several. First, if you think the rest of the world is wrong and that today is a communist holiday by all means bust out your law books, dress like that annoying guy in the informecials with the flag shirt on, buy some whiskey, get a mullet, and start a random witch hunt.

However if you think the rest of the world is not wrong, formulate your own minor protest along with me. Break a law. Yes! Break a law!

Please do not break a major law. I don’t need to hear on the 6 o’clock news how some moron with an IQ of 80 raped a pig to teach them a lesson about the swine flu or how some dillweed was told to break the law and decided to piss in the middle of a supermarket (but in the Depends section, I mean that the responsible thing to do).

Minor, minor, minor. Roll through a stop sign going 5. Eat one too many grapes at the grocery store (however many that is). Play your music too loud in the car. Or any other law you deem to be completely stupid that will not get you jail time or a fine.

If you lack the capacity to do this it is okay. But if you do something silly and agree with me that the rest of the world is not celebrating a communist holiday, by all means post your mini infraction here.

I plan to play my music too loud and smoke cigarettes in the car in a town where it is considered illegal to smoke in the car!!! Oh no.

By SpaceDog